


1796 Broadway

by rainproof, teaberryblue



Series: Earth-1796 [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 12 percent classy, Accidental Exsanguination, Action, Angst, Art, Avengers Tower, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardly Posed Action Figures, Bed Full of Diamonds, Brotp, Captain Fucking America, Captain Hooker, Captain Quarantine, Cliffhangers, Clint Barton/Leftovers, Clint is a Brony, Comics, DUM-E is the Best Avenger, E-mails, Earth-1796, Egg Cream, Epistolary, F/M, French Toast, HEY GIRL, Happy Squidsgiving, Heartstring Puppetry, Horrified and Ashamed, Hospitals, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Humor, I Need to be Straight., Knut The Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinsson, Letters, M/M, Macros, Memes, Mixed Media, Moose, Morally Dubious Decisions, New York City, News Articles, Non-Traditional Formats, Not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Not Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Planet Suicide Watch, Post-Credits Scene, Post-Thor: The Dark World, Resolvable Sexual Tension, Romantic Comedy, Sorry-I'm-Fucking-Your-Ex-Flowers, Star-Spangled Flan With a Plan, Steve Rogers Still Has Not Seen Star Wars, Surgery, Suspense, Tabloids, Team Clicky, Team DUM-E, Tony Fucking Stark, Totally Platonic Man-Talks, Transcripts, Two-Time Time Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, Tychosis, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Whump, drunkcisions, hookers and blow, mailing lists, physical injury, serial, strikethroughs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2014-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 01:54:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 708
Words: 460,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain America respectfully requests that all complaints be addressed to him in writing.  On paper, the nice old-fashioned way, because the computer screen hurts his eyes. </p><p>Put your phone down, Tony.</p><p>Originally written as a daily epistolary serial, September 19, 2013-September 19, 2014.</p><p>NOW COMPLETE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take a Memo

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [1796 Broadway](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6764170) by [Dezerter (Seariel)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seariel/pseuds/Dezerter)



> The tragically handsome and charismatic Tony Stark will be played tonight by [rainproof](http://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof), while [teaberryblue](http://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/profile) will appear in the role of the tall, blond, and repressed Steve Rogers.
> 
>  
> 
> ******If you have any questions regarding tags, triggers, etc please feel free to e-mail us at 1796Broadway AT gmail.com. One of us will get back to you as soon as we can.******
> 
>  
> 
> If you're lost and trying to catch up, or looking for a specific chapter/story, [Check out the Index and Chapter Summaries](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1655642/chapters/3511931)  
> Got questions? Want to decide if this fic is for you? [Check out the FAQ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1303975/chapters/2708188).
> 
> All New York City locations mentioned (restaurants, stores, etc) are real. We've done our best to link to them in case you want to visit them yourself! You can also visit our [handy interactive map.](https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=zi0jeRS5uJxw.kx_7Ydz8w3Q0)
> 
> Please note that this work is set **post-Thor: The Dark World** & contains **spoilers for Iron Man 3 and The Avengers**. 
> 
> We are **canon-compliant through Thor: The Dark World** but **divergent from Agents of Shield and Captain America: The Winter Soldier** due to our writing schedule.
> 
> We adore your comments! But **please be careful not to post spoilers** for later chapters on earlier chapters or the Appendix. Also, please no spoilers for **current Marvel comics storyline or Agents of SHIELD** Those will get **deleted.**
> 
> Captain America: The Winter Soldier spoilers are now welcome, though we invite you to label comments that contain spoilers if you can.

Cap,

As per your ever-so-dickishly worded request, allow me to clarify a few points regarding our current living situation **IN WRITING**. Just to be CLEAR. Perfectly, transparently clear.

When I extended an invitation to the team to live in the fucking awesome swanky midtown tower I just happened to have laying around, it was no way indicative of a desire to actually live WITH you people. Fucking terrorists blew up my house, and now I’m stuck sleeping on the fucking couch in my own fucking tower. 

Regarding your remarks regarding my three floor penthouse being behind schedule on the relevant post-Loki renovations – fine, whatever, it’s not my fault Pepper wants fucking Makassar Ebony hardwood floors that are backordered until fuckoff November – believe you me as soon as I have those floors in place you won’t see hide or hair of me down in the common areas. Until then you have to get my back.

We are a team, we are not a family and we’re barely even friends – and you may be the boss, but Stark Tower is MY tower and I don’t have to put my name on my leftover Chinese if I don’t feel like it – IT’S MY FUCKING TOWER. 

Seriously, If Clint keeps eating my fucking leftovers there might actually be blood. This shit is on YOU.

Tony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the Chinese restaurant two blocks from the Tower, where the Avengers order their takeout: [Szechuan Gourmet](http://www.szechuangourmet.net/)


	2. Your Request Has Been Recorded

Dear Mr. Stark,

Your concerns have been heard and recorded, and I will respond to them in the order in which they were received:

1) The Avengers are extremely grateful for the use of your " fucking awesome swanky midtown[sic] tower."  
2) I can assure you on behalf of the team that no one is any more pleased about this arrangement than you are, and I would like to remind you of the conversation at last Tuesday's status meeting, during which it was suggested you might sleep in Dr. Banner's quarters, and your response was, "Bruce snores like he's _always_ The Hulk," albeit with more expletives. We arrived at several temporary solutions:  
a) We do have a guestroom. Several guestrooms. If the mattresses are, as you say, too soft, we could purchase a new mattress for you at a fraction of the price of Makassar hardwood floors.  
b) As Dr. Banner and I have both raised our concerns about the use of such a rare species of wood for decorative flooring, it might be possible to find something cheaper and less at risk of going extinct, that could be installed sooner. I don't mean any insult to Miss Potts' taste in flooring, but it seems like a viable option.  
3) I have been receiving complaints about seeing too much of both your hide and your hair in the common areas, so this comes as some relief. On behalf of the team, I must say that we would appreciate it if you could put your dirty underwear directly into the laundry rather than collecting it on the coffee table.  
4) To my knowledge, no one has disputed ownership of the tower.  
5) You are welcome to label your food as you like. However, I cannot guarantee the safety of any takeout containers left unlabeled. As was also mentioned in last Tuesday's status meeting, we do have a full kitchen, which I personally use on a regular basis, and you are welcome to cook for yourself at any time.  
6) I believe that violence is the sole responsibility of the parties engaged in it. Nevertheless, if you would like me to mediate a session between you and Agent Barton wherein you can discuss your concerns about his eating habits, I will be happy to arrange that.

Please know that I respect and value your input and will be happy to discuss any of these points with you in person, or, if you like, by letter. I want to ensure the best possible living situation for all members of the team.

Thank you for your time, and have a pleasant day. 

Sincerely,

Steven Rogers


	3. French Toast as a Suitable Form of Remuneration

Cap,

Jesus, seriously, did you write me a list? Like an honest to god bulleted list? Allow me to provide you with a response template more appropriate for your bankroll-slash-benefactor:  


  

  1. _Tony, I apologize that someone ate your take-out. I will remind the other Avengers that you require a delicate balance of caffeine and carbs to continue brilliantly navigating the sea of marketable engineering innovations._  

  2. _As nobody enjoys Dr. Banner in a grumpy mood, which sharing his room would undoubtedly inspire, we will kick Clint out of his bed and allow you to sleep in his room, privately._
  3. _I recognize that the act of cooking a meal is menial labor unworthy of your attention, and that suggesting you attempt a meal is in violation Dr. Banner’s ban on Any and All Tony Starks In The Kitchen. As you cannot reasonably be expected to prepare foods there, I will continue to provide tasty French toast breakfasts at varying intervals throughout your visit._



Regarding your commentary on a stylish pair of red silk Iron Man boxer briefs located, apparently, near the coffee table: I can assure you I most certainly did not leave them in the common area. Maybe the cleaning bots are glitched – that I can definitely investigate. I’m thinking caltrops may be in order.

Tony


	4. Numbered, Not Bulleted

Dear Mr. Stark,

In my capacity as Team Leader of The Avengers, it is my responsibility to respond to all complaints in a serious and professional manner. 

1) I believe my list was numbered and not bulleted.

2) I have considered and rejected your recommendations as to the nature of my previous response. 

3) Please understand that after last month's incident, we have already unanimously agreed that caltrops are not permitted in the common areas. 

4) My offer to mediate a conversation between you and Agent Barton still stands. I would further like you to consider all the reasons why kicking a rogue-leftover-eating sniper out of his sleeping accommodations would be a bad idea for all involved.

5) I have spoken to Miss Potts and she says she was unaware of the purchase order for Makassar ebony flooring and would not have approved it. We have both agreed on a handsome and economical, reclaimed barnwood alternative. It is ash and very durable. I think it will be adequate.

6) Agent Romanova informs me that said "stylish pair of red silk Iron Man boxer briefs" have been sighted on the coffee table five times in the past month.

Rest assured that your concerns are being addressed to the best of my ability and I can add them to the agenda for Friday's status meeting if you so require.

Sincerely,

Captain Steven Rogers  
Avengers Team Leader


	5. French Toast

Stark--

Enjoy this delicious lemon and mascarpone French toast with blueberry syrup. I toasted two entire loaves of bread. I hope that will be adequate to your needs for sustenance. 

The recipe is on the back of this sheet. Please learn to make your own.

\--Rogers


	6. French Toast, part two

Captain Tightpants,

“Serious and professional manner” my ass. I jumped through your hoops and wrote this shit down and you continue to ignore my requests for anything pertaining to actual quality of life, request for French toast excepted. I can’t believe you’d conspire with Pepper to change the color schematics of my fucking penthouse – if that place smells like cow shit I can tell you right now I’m not gonna be the one living there.

I should say the French toast was worth getting up before eleven for, though. Thanks for that.

Speaking of French toast, JARVIS seems to think that I should apologize for the fire alarms going off last night, though the fact that they rang for an hour and a half was definitely NOT my fault – turns out the dumbfucks rewiring upstairs managed to sever JARVIS’ connection to the emergency systems, which meant when my own attempt at Captain America’s Star Spangled Syrup-Catchers caught actual fire there was no way to shut the sirens off from Bruce’s lab. And, of course, when the fire alarm is pulled the elevators stop functioning, so at least none of us need to hit the gym today? 

(I consider the incident proof positive that one should never let the plebeian, unwashed masses studying electrical engineering at public universities today touch the complex systems of a fully integrated AI-run supertower. I need a new contractor.)

If DUM-E was still around that fire would have been out before it started. ~~I miss that little~~ JARVIS misses him, I think, he gets funny about the bots. DUM-E's code is saved and all, it’s just tough to do body work effectively while sharing Bruce’s lab. One I have him up and running again fire safety in the lab will definitely increase.... as will morale. ~~it'll be nice to have a real friend around this dump.~~

By the way, the custom fit California king Vividus mattress I ordered in won’t fit through the doorway at the elevator bank. We’re going to shift the construction crane currently rebuilding the wet-bar upstairs and pop out a few windows on Tuesday morning, so heads up there. Throw THAT into your team meeting; I've got to be at a meeting all day with my CSR team.

Tony Fucking Stark


	7. Standard Business Letter Format

Dear Sir,

In the future, please use standard business letter format for all professional correspondence related to the Avengers. The other team members assure me that such a thing is still in use in the twenty-first century. 

My correct address would be "Captain Rogers," "Captain," or at very least "Mr. Rogers," although I would appreciate it if someone would explain why Agent Barton calls me that whenever I wear my favorite cardigan. Even "Cap" would be acceptable, if unorthodox. Please refrain from using derogatory nicknames. Agent Romanova assures me that my pants fit very nicely, and I might remind you that the technical design of my current uniform was left in your capable hands. If the pants are too tight, you may correct that in the next redesign.

Your requests are not being ignored. Your requests are completely unreasonable. I am attempting to manage the day-to-day needs of a diverse group of personalities, and while I have experience commanding men in the field, I am still adjusting to this part of my new role and I would appreciate some patience, or at least cooperation. I am doing my best to fulfill any of your requests that I can. I am including a status report on said requests.

1) The flooring in your quarters will be completed in two weeks, and I assure you that once the new wood is stained, it will conform to your chosen color scheme. It does not smell like anything, as the barn it was taken from has been out of commission since the 1970s. 

2) I have spoken to Miss Potts about what can be done to expedite the buildout of a fully-functioning workshop. I know very little about mechanical engineering, so if there is something you require in that regard, please make sure I am informed. This is the first time you have mentioned any difficulty pertaining to using Dr. Banner's space to meet your work needs. Please send Miss Potts a list of everything you need, and she will sign off on the expenses. She asks me to remind you that these must be work-related and she is still not signing the PO for the world's largest gumball machine.

3) Elevator repairs will be completed by two this afternoon. 

4) I have also asked Miss Potts to forward a list of contractors who normally work on military and government projects. I believe one of them will be the best fit to complete the necessary electrical work. Please find this list attached.

5) As you may be unaware, our building does have a freight elevator accessible from the 58th St. entrance. I have arranged for the mattress to be delivered via freight elevator as soon as the elevators are back in operation. 

6) All conflicts with team meetings are required to be reported at the previous meeting, emergencies excepted. Fortunately, as you may have noticed from my last letter, or the fact that we have had the same meeting schedule since you joined us, team status meetings are scheduled for Tuesday afternoons and Friday mornings, so I am glad to hear that you will be joining us. It is your turn to bring the pastry. 

7) Under Col. Fury's advisement, I have taken the liberty of signing you up for a beginning cooking skills class at Sur La Table, which is just down the block in the first floor of the Hearst Tower. It meets Thursdays at 6pm. I have already told your CSR team that you have a hard stop at 5:30, which will give you plenty of time to walk one block.

6) I have put a laundry hamper in the common area and a sign on the fridge reminding team members to ask before eating other people's leftovers. I have also removed the surveillance camera you installed in the refrigerator, as it was interfering with the water filter.

7) Your apology will be forwarded to the rest of the team. For my part, it is accepted, but I am afraid that I cannot prevent potential retaliation. 

8) Attached please find a brief instruction manual on the making of French toast. 

9) I am going to take a nap, as I am currently operating on three hours of sleep thanks to an unexpected fire alarm last night.

Sincerely,

Captain Steven Rogers  
Avengers Team Leader

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "Sur La Table" at the [Hearst Tower](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearst_Tower_%28New_York_City%29) does indeed host cooking classes.


	8. Printed, of course

Captain Rogers,

I regret to inform you that Mr. Stark has chosen, rather than address your concerns in your preferred format, to task me with writing a rebuttal to your scathingly accurate and effective list of solutions to Mr. Stark’s current personal problems. When I asked for clarification at 14:07 he revoked my access to Doctor Banner’s lower lab level and locked himself in. 

Prior to this action Mr. Stark suggested that he would in no uncertain terms be missing your meeting, though I took the liberty of ordering a pastry on his behalf. You will find two-dozen assorted Tu-Lu gluten free cupcakes delivered in time for the engagement. 

I might take this opportunity to remind you that Mr. Stark is quite unused to sharing his personal space. Were it my place, I would advise you to prioritize the lab construction, as that is likely the root of his frustration; attached is a full inventory of his Malibu garage – I have forwarded the inventory to Ms. Potts as well. I would be happy to assist in placing these orders, as the sum total reaches well over 5,000 items.

Mr. Stark also asked me to deposit into your personal accounts a sum of $3,500 as payment for “taking up shop as my (redacted) personal (redacted) assistant.” This has been done as per his request.

I can at least assure you that the errors in the alarm systems have returned to working order. I hope this puts your mind somewhat at ease.

Your humble & obedient system,  
J.A.R.V.I.S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Tu-Lu's](http://www.tu-lusbakery.com/) is the bakery JARVIS ordered from.


	9. No Letterhead

This is personal correspondence and not business correspondence. I wanted to say that up front in case the lack of team letterhead wasn't clear.

Look, Stark, I am trying really hard. I don't know what else you want me to do. I made you an entire week's supply of French toast. I spent all morning making phone calls to try to make things easier for you. I had to talk to robot voices that didn't understand what I was saying half the time. All I'm asking is that you attend team meetings and send me paper letters, because I'm still not used to computer screens, and it's hard to stare at them for too long. I know I'm going to have to adjust and I suppose eventually I will, but while I'm adjusting, I don't think this is too unreasonable. You can even type them and print them out. You can even e-mail them to me and THEN print them out. I don't mind. 

I need you to be at the meeting tomorrow. You keep bringing up complaints with the rest of the team, but then you say you're too busy to talk about them. I asked JARVIS to check your calendar, and you have nothing booked, so I can only assume you're missing the meeting in protest, but I don't understand what you're protesting. I tried to respond to every single thing you complained about. You keep snapping at Barton and the two of you obviously need to talk to each other. Neither of you are bad guys. Barton is just very direct about things, and you are just very ~~obnoxious~~ oblique. But team meetings are not optional. We all knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this. 

To summarize, you have two organizational requirements:

\--Attend team status meetings  
\--Send me printed letters anytime there is something that should be on file

I don't think that's too much. 

I would have written back to JARVIS, but I don't really understand how to do that, and it takes a really long time for me to type. I did ask him to manage the orders for the equipment for your new shop, so I can get you a status report on that as soon as I know how it's going. 

I know we haven't exactly gotten along so far, but this is how things are going to be for the foreseeable future, so I would like it if you could meet me halfway. If there is anything I can do to make that easier for you, please let me know. I know it's probably hard to take orders from somebody who is probably just a kid in your eyes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to accept mistreatment. 

I've written you a check for $3500.00. I don't think that was very funny. If you'd like a personal assistant, you can call an agency and ask them to send over some resumes. I expect you at the status meeting.

\--Rogers


	10. Worse than Fury's debriefs

Cap – 

JARVIS has the world’s most precise note taking software – if typing is frustrating you, just dictate to him and he’ll get it squared away. If you’d rather not dictate to an AI, attached is a flash drive containing a proprietary voice recognition software we rolled out in the SI starkphone models last fall. It should self-install once you connect it.

Tony

PS: I don’t think you’re a kid, why do you think I think you’re a kid, you’re actually like twice my age? I don’t want to attend these ridiculous team meetings because I think it’s bizarre the way you’re trying to shoehorn a bunch of fucked up loners into a spunky cohabitating minute-taking teamwork-trumps-all type scenario. Why are we having weekly meetings when nothing’s going on? They’re worse than Fury’s debriefs. I get that you’re trying to toe the line and lead in an organized way, but either you get off on immense amounts of paperwork or it might be a good idea to sit down and try to streamline this son of a bitch. I actually mean that in a nice-ish way, as much as I hate team building and shit I did semi-successfully run a multinational arms company for most of my adult life. 

PPS: Tell Nat her margarita machine will be installed on Thursday.


	11. Being In Ice For Seventy Years Doesn't Give You Much XP

Stark,

As much as it pains me to have to point it out, I am a kid compared to the rest of you. Thor is a god, you and Dr Banner both have at least a decade on me and far more education. Barton and Romanova are the closest to my age and they've both seen a lot more of the world than I have. In spite of my 70-year nap, I wasn't any older or wiser when I came out. And most of my current efforts have been directed at learning the ropes of this new world, and trying to support the team.

All the other GIs got to go to college when they got out. Nobody's so much as asked if I might want to.

Then one of the world's greatest scientific minds I'm trying to live with makes cracks about plebeians with second-rate educations, and I didn't even finish art school. And writes a check for two years' salary as a joke like money doesn't mean anything. And buys margarita machines. And mattresses with-- I don't know how to put this. The invoice for your mattress is more than I would have made in my lifetime. And it's red and gold. Why do you need an Iron Man mattress when you're just going to put sheets on it? Especially since we all know they're going to be Iron Man sheets. I hope you get a discount on all this licensed merchandise with your own face on it. 

People keep buying me Captain America toys and I don't know what to do with them. Some lady from Michigan sent me a mint-in-box 1953 collectible doll of me with my motorcycle and punching action. A man from West Virginia sent me a black velvet painting of me on a mountaintop saluting the moon.

If you're really willing to give advice and not swear a blue streak at me, let's do that. I want advice. But the one thing I do have experience with is leading a team of soldiers, and I will tell you now that there is always something going on. Dr. Banner isolated a string of DNA that he thinks will do something I don't totally understand but it sounded impressive. Agents Barton and Romanova have been on three covert missions in the past two weeks, one of which led Barton to break out in hives from some sort of allergic reaction. Thor has tried every stop on Time Out New York's '40 Best Frozen Treats' list and is moving on to pizza next week. He liked the salted crack caramel ice cream at Ample Hills best. You're building new robots and apparently not talking to Miss Potts. Things may be quiet now, but we don't know what's coming tomorrow, and as your team leader, it's my responsibility to be prepared for every possibility. And the better we all know each other, the better we will work together in the future. That is why we have team status meetings. You don't have to be best friends with Barton. You don't have to watch movies or go to the beach together. Just sit through a goddamn status meeting twice a week so you know what's on everyone's mind.

I can't speak for anyone else, but as much as I may be fucked up, I'm not a loner. I think I got all my me-time out of my system from spending seventy years alone in a glacier. Believe it or not, I want to be around all of you people. 

But yes, now that my hand is starting to cramp, let's talk streamlining. Thanks. 

In your pile of genius toys, is there, I don't know, write by hand into a computer and have it turn into text? Talking to a computer is just going to make me feel like some crazy old man talking to himself. 

\--Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thor went to [Ample Hills](http://www.amplehills.com/) and had Salted Crack Caramel Ice Cream, their most popular flavor.


	12. Dictated from beneath the half-disassembled Mercedes

Cap,

Please see attached Starkpad tablet modified with stylus and detachable college-ruled template – the grain/texture on the plastic of the overlay can be modified if that's too slick for your writing style. Actually, I’ll just throw like three templates on there and you can figure out which one is best. There’s a couple of styluses too, it’s wirelessly linked to your private network but you’ll have to plug in your own e-mail password and access information. You’ll be asked to input letters in caps and lower case in order to assist with the handwriting recognition software, but once it’s calibrated we’ve hammered the accuracy down to 99.65% for English.

Look, if we’re going to be meeting each other half way you can’t be getting bent out of shape when I spend my money on the things I like. Money doesn’t mean anything – it’s an arbitrary marker of success, and I’ve worked for years (and my old man worked for years) to amass what I have. If I want to guarantee myself a good night’s sleep and I have the cash to do it, why not? I give ten times that amount to charity in a given year. I’m bankrolling the Avengers, who are pretty much New York’s private police force at this point..... Thor saw the most action last week _rescuing a cat from a tree_. Ugh.

For what it’s worth I’m a terrible sleeper and if a ridiculously overpriced handmade Iron Man themed bed takes the edge off, that’s money well spent.

Steve, if you want to go to college we can arrange that. The reason these fucking amateur electricians piss me off is that there’s no excuse for coming out of a public school and STILL not knowing what the fuck you’re doing. Then again I have a semi-eidetic memory and remembering not to cut the alarm cables seems pretty basic to me.

Do you actually want to go to college? College sucks. Even if you went at an age-appropriate time in your life it kind of sucks – you’re surrounded by pretentious kids who treat you differently because of who you are, there are lots of shitty parties where everyone drinks bad beer and pretends to like each other… I mean if you want to go to college let’s make that happen. You’re a war hero. Schools would be falling over themselves to snap you up. 

If you do, though, it might be worth studying up first. Most college courses, depending on the field are going to assume you have a base knowledge of what’s happened since the 40’s – actually, that’s kind of a tough nut, your high school education would have been super different and it’d take more than Wikipedia to catch you up – I hadn’t thought about that. That’s not very fair.

Maybe you could take a high school GED course and go from there? We could hire in a tutor? I could help you cheat on the SAT exams? Online courses? Hmmm.

Anyway, actual my point is/was: what’s the point of earning money if you never spend it on the things you like/want/need/don't really need but think you do? It just so happens that I love what I do and the challenge of making something work is pretty much all that gets me up most mornings - but it'd be a waste to let all my work sit in a basement somewhere unused. It seems equally wasteful to sit on a fucking pile of cash, Scrooge McDuck style, without spending it.

I can always make more, anyway.

I’m speaking to Pepper. Who told you I wasn’t speaking to Pepper? We talk at least once a week. Most of the time. Since you co-opted the completion of the penthouse level we really don’t have much to talk about together, other than the prototype I’m working on that she doesn’t think is freaking marketable enough. Calling it “unnecessary” is out of line – it’s plenty fucking marketable, people just don’t know they need it yet.

I think she’s kind of pissed I’m upgrading the suits again. And she doesn’t want to move back to New York. I don’t fucking know, _women_ , who understands that shit?

Okay, look, never mind. If the point of the status meetings is to get to know one another, why can’t we do weekly team building activities instead? Go have dinner or watch a movie or some shit? Sitting at a conference table while Barton fires spitballs at everyone in turn isn’t going to foster any kind of camaraderie worth fostering.

Tony

 

PS If you like people so much, you’re welcome to come down to Bruce’s lab and meet DUM-E. He’s not human in the strictest sense but he’s good for loneliness and fire-extinguishing. I’m running through his debug cycles tonight, he should be up and running around eight.

 

 

PPS if you want to get coffee sometime this week, we could talk about this in person. You know, if you drink coffee. You do drink coffee, don’t you? I’m not sure I trust people who don’t drink coffee.


	13. Sixty-four dollars at that Swedish place

Stark,

This pad thing is pretty damn incredible. I still don't know about looking at the screen for that long, but I...look. Thank you. Is there some way I could use this for drawing? 

I don't want to...go to college, not like that, but I would like to finish my education. I was looking at the BFA in illustration from The School of Visual Arts, actually. They have night classes, allow students to go part-time, and it doesn't look too expensive. Do you think I'd have to do those exams and things to study illustration? I've never been the best at exams. I know illustration isn't really an asset to the rest of the team, but it's the one thing I'm really good at. It's what I wanted to do before all this happened. 

Do you think the team would want to have movie nights? Dr. Banner keeps telling me about this movie about a bunch of dinosaurs on an island, and Barton gives me a look every time he asks if I've watched that Star Wars thing yet. I didn't think I could really, you know, order people to play Scrabble, but I do think it's a really good idea. I still think we need to have meetings. There's a different dynamic for friends and teammates and I would like to maintain both. 

The money thing...I wasn't saying that professionally. I never had money growing up. Don't get me wrong, I never starved or anything, but it means a lot when you don't have much of it. Do you know how much my bookshelves cost? They were sixty-four dollars at that Swedish place you can take the ferry to, with the arrows on the floor, and I just kept thinking that's nearly a month's wages.

I won't say anything else about Miss Potts, sorry. It just seemed pretty obvious that, well, usually when people are romantically involved, they communicate by more than purchase order. 

I like coffee. It just doesn't do anything for me anymore. Forget alcohol; the worst thing about being superhuman is that downing a thermos of caffeine does absolutely nothing when you're exhausted. We could have coffee. I looked at our calendars and put something on for Sunday afternoon. Does that work for you? 

And sure, I'll come down and see DUM-E tonight. He has to be at least as pleasant as present company. And like you said, it's not as if our docket is exactly full. 

Thanks again for the pad thing. 

\--Rogers

PS I'm fairly sure Barton was only throwing spitballs at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](http://www.sva.edu/undergraduate/illustration) is the BFA Program Steve is interested in.  
> [That Swedish Place](http://www.ikea.com/us/en/store/brooklyn)


	14. Horrified and Ashamed

Cap –

What you're asking for is called a graphics tablet - and that's easy. We’ve got a good fifteen years worth of tablet tech on file. JARVIS has added a few types of image editing software to your system – Photoshop, Illustrator, a couple others the kids these days are using. Those might be a little challenging but you’ll get the hang of it. Try the 9x12, it’s pressure sensitive and shit – I dunno, just play. If the programs are too complex I’ll strip one down for you and limit it to basic functionality.

Screen tips: Tip the screen slightly, turn down your contrast, apply the attached matte anti-glare frame, focus your eyes on something far away every twenty minutes or so, or just kick screens altogether and try this new holographic OS that Pepper thinks “no one on god’s green earth needs in their home”. Projections can be adjusted on any color axis.

Honestly, no school is going to turn down the chance to list Captain America as one of their alumni. They’ll be slapping your face on all their ads – but to answer your question, really, I suspect they’ll allow you to study even without SAT scores. You really ought to be grandfathered in to the old GI Bill anyway, right?

I am both horrified and ashamed that you live under my roof and haven’t seen Star Wars – it’s terribly campy and truly fantastic. We’ll have to watch the original trilogy first, though, or you won’t appreciate the artistry in the special effects. Hell, maybe we’ll just pretend episodes 1, 2, and 3 don’t exist.

Honestly? I would actually show up to movie night. Between working with SI’s design teams, logging lab hours, consulting and our SHIELD related duties, adding another twice-weekly meeting into my life is only slightly less fun than a root canal. This is going to sound more dickish than I mean it to, but do you realize I’m one of the highest paid consultants in North America? My time is very fucking valuable and I hate hate _hate_ spending it locked in a conference room. I might actually enjoy interacting with the team if we spent time watching Jurassic Park instead.

Anyway, I guess I could have told you most of that tomorrow; I’ll have a complete list of mandatory cultural treasures for your edification whether or not we do movie night. 

Also, thanks for swinging by the lab. DUM-E’d been wanting to meet you for a while before the Malibu house went down, so it was a good surprise… and thanks for not laughing at the WELCOME BACK DUM-E banner JARVIS put up. He can be very sensitive sometimes.

Tony


	15. Ten Thousand Dollar Coffee

Stark,

Understanding how immensely valuable your time is, I would like to just thank you for the ten thousand dollar coffee and twenty thousand dollar list of movies and television shows. And politely keep my mouth shut about the irony of a man who complains about how much money his time is worth telling me money doesn't mean anything. Ahem.

I did read The Hunger Games after that meeting when you referred to Barton as Katniss Everdick, so we can cross that one off the list. And believe it or not, we did have Batman, Superman, Flash Gordon and The Phantom before I got trapped in the refrigerator. Not that I'm surprised you'd be gung go about a fabulously wealthy eccentric who spends his fortune building toys to take down supervillains. I tried watching 30 Rock and Arrested Development and didn't really get all the jokes. I was under the impression that My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was a television show for little girls, though, no? Oh! And The Princess Bride! Romanova practically forced me watch that one one night. I really liked that. It was sort of as if someone had taken an Errol Flynn movie and made it funnier.

I've only gotten up to the three hundredth item on the list, though. How many of these are important pop culture touchstones, and how many of these are just your personal favorites, Stark? Snakes on a Plane doesn't even sound like a real movie. Can we prioritize these in any way?

I've talked to the rest of the team, canceled Tuesday's meeting, and scheduled a Star Wars marathon instead. What's wrong with the first three episodes, exactly? Will I be able to pick up on the plot?

Oh, and for your information, this doesn't excuse you from meetings on Fridays. But we can see how Tuesday Activity Night and Friday Meetings go. I do think it's important for us to all be in one place to discuss team relations and anything else that's going on once a week, and I'm not going to budge on that. I'm sorry if an hour out of your schedule means you can't buy a second custom-built Iron Man bed.

I don't know if the GI bill had an expiration date. Is that something we can look into? To be honest, I'd really rather get into school on my own merits than rest on the laurels of being Captain America. Especially since being that guy who used to punch Hitler doesn't really give me much in the way of academic credentials. I figure Steven Rogers has to be a common enough name that no one will know it's me if I apply and just give them a 1980s birthdate. It wouldn't be the first time I falsified an application, or anything.

You were right about fair trade single source whatever that coffee was being better than Dunkin' Donuts. Sorry I wasn't more talkative. I guess when other people have a lot to say, I tend to sit back and listen, and it sounded like you had a lot to talk about. It's too bad about whatever's going on with Miss Potts, but you two are so close and went through so much together, maybe she just needs some space to recover. I can understand why she wouldn't want to come to New York, especially with the living situation being what it is. I'm sure she'll come around if you give her time. It'll be okay. 

Next time, can we just have coffee in the tower? You'd think I'd know how to deal with people wanting autographs and photos, but it's very distracting and I never know how to react to women who hand me a marker and pull down their shirts. I keep wondering how long they go without showering.

Anyway, JARVIS tells me you're preoccupied at the moment, and I think I'm going to turn in early, but tell DUM-E I'll drop in tomorrow, and I was pleased to see him in fighting form. I still haven't figured the drawing tablet out, but it's very much appreciated.

\--Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve goes to [this](http://www.yelp.com/biz/dunkin-donuts-new-york-93) Dunkin' Donuts.


	16. Creative Properties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter spoilers for the ending of IM3!

Cap – 

_Obviously_ I give myself a discounted price on my time; there have to be some small perks to the genius billionaire playboy philanthropist gig. It’s only when other people squander it by making me sit in inane meetings that the price tag goes up. I also provide discounts when quality entertainment is involved, but still. I feel that you are appropriately grateful for the tender care and careful consideration I utilized when putting together your Guide to the 20th Century. 

To address your movie-specific commentary:

  * Not only is Snakes on a Plan a cult classic, but the guy who plays the lead looks disturbingly like Nick Fury. Once you’ve seen the film, the urge to leave stray rubber snakes scattered around SHIELD headquarters might just be overwhelming.
  * Now Batman – Batman is kind of a douche. That whole dark and mysterious secret identity thing? _Bo-ring._ But I do like his tech, and some of it has proven pretty useful for Nick’s SHIELD guys on the ground. They have no idea their inspiration comes from some character in a cape. Hah!
  * The original Star Wars trilogy is perfect in every way - they did the prequels for purely financial reasons, and by then George Lucas had been turned into a money-sucking vampire eager to suck the soul out of the franchise. He recently sold the whole shebang to Disney, which caused a huge amount of panic amongst fans. I personally think Disney'd be alright as a parent company, they have pretty good taste in creative properties.
  * I’m sure I have no idea how My Little Pony Friendship is Magic got on that list. But people tell me it’s supportive of positive themes and the source of many classic internet memes, so there you go. Also I hear Clint is a Brony and that shit is _hilarious_.
  * I think Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb is a great look at cold war America, for all its tongue-in-cheek humor, and you really SHOULD watch Casablanca, though I put a little star next to that one as well as any other films that were set during WWII, just in case the content or setting might put you off.
  * I am pleased that Natasha appreciates the Princess Bride. Maybe she does have a heart buried deep, deep down somewhere in her cold, calculating, yet highly-attractive shell.



Turns out the GI bill has been updated/replaced with what they’re calling the New GI Bill (creative fuckers, aren’t they?): ~~newgibill.org/~~ shit, hyperlinks aren’t gonna work in handwritten work are they? Archaic. Barbaric. I had JARVIS bookmark it on your Starkpad - actually, you know what? It'd be pretty fucking convenient if you could open a link from a page. That functionality could be pretty easily rolled into my current project, though you'd have to get pretty specific in your coding parameters to prevent it from accidentally opening any link it was exposed to... that could be a real safety risk. Maybe -

  


oops, lost sometime there. okay, I really meant to get this to you last night - where was I - GI Bill, right, It looks like they’re only offering assistance at schools of their choosing though, so make sure visual arts is an approved program before you jump in.

You might be surprised at how recognizable you are – yesterday of course you were out with yours truly, two-time Time Magazine Sexiest Man Alive winner, so you were naturally noticed and adored... but you're pretty recognizable in your own right. There were a handful of great shots of you without your mask on after the battle last summer. Maybe you should grow a beard – or pull a Clark Kent and buy a pair of glasses. That seems to work every time.

We’ll see what happens. Whatever. Pepper’s a great girl and I can’t really blame her for having some kind of come-to-Jesus moment about dating someone who gets her thrown into violent situations every other Tuesday. The amount of four inch injection needles, IVs and MRI scans involved in curing her of Extremis would put anyone off spending their life with me. I’m flying through LAX before heading to Tokyo next week so we’ll see how that goes. If it ends badly, at least I’ll have slews of distractingly gorgeous Japanese women to fling myself at.

I’ll pass your compliments on to our resident semi-sentient fire extinguisher; I’ve been working all afternoon on his brothers. I took the liberty of ordering a few Star Wars themed snacks for tomorrow night, it's gonna be badass.

-T

PS: Test some functionality for me? Double-tapping this handwritten URL should prompt JARVIS to open the link on the nearest available interface - http://www.newgibill.org/


	17. Was the voting panel entirely made up of robots?

Stark,

Ah, well. If I'd known I was only getting five thousand dollar coffee, I might have re-evaluated my social options. Still, I suppose it wasn't too bad.

That website link thing you did works (and I'm not sure I understand how, but amazing!), but it brought up the link for Instagram photos tagged "#iheartironman" and not the link you sent. You might want to look into that. 

I typed in the address of the website, though. I don't know how I am supposed to use it. The only way it lets you calculate benefits is by years served since 2001, and it doesn't even have my first year of active duty available to enter into the computer. The tuition at SVA is about $33,000 a year, plus some fees and things. I don't want to be too forward about this, but is there some way I could borrow the money from you? I'd find a way to pay you back. I assume SI needs technical artists from time to time? Otherwise, I could draw a comic of all the ridiculous things you've ever said. I'm sure I could get a very lucrative publishing deal and make back the money in no time.

I think I'd be okay with watching movies about the war. Maybe not movies where someone's brother dies or anything like that. But even then, those things are just part of life, right? Barton keeps telling me I need to see Inglourious Basterds, and I see that's on your list, too. So maybe that should be a movie night?

Two-time Sexiest Man Alive, really? Apart from asking what went wrong the other years, I'm curious as to exactly who made this decision. Was the voting panel entirely made up of robots? 

I'm very disappointed. First you tell me my coffee was only worth five thousand dollars, and now you tell me that I stooped low enough to be seen with someone who's no longer the sexiest man alive.

In all seriousness, I don't mind the attention, and I like signing autographs for little kids. And even adults. It's just signing breasts that makes me feel sleazy. And it's hard to do it with a straight face. But I don't want to disappoint people, either, and I definitely want people to get over this misconception that I'm a two-dimensional platform for telling kids that drugs and sex are bad, which is what they all expect when they meet me. 

Good luck with Miss Potts. She really is a swell girl, Stark, and you're lucky to have her. She really looks out for you, and I know you both care a lot about each other. I wish I had somebody like that, you know? So, I guess, I don't really have experience with relationships like that or anything, but I feel like I should say you shouldn't be afraid to fight for her if you have to. I mean, if you want to. I get where she is coming from, though, and it is a reason to be worried, especially for somebody who doesn't court danger like you do. 

Definitely looking forward to tomorrow night. I think everyone is. Thanks for the idea. 

If you need any help reclaiming your World's Sexiest Man title, I'd be happy to give you some pointers. 

Rogers


	18. Bank of Stark

Cap –

Wait. Wait wait wait, did I detect tender tones of _sarcasm_ in your last letter?! You’ve got to be kidding me. Captain America’s gotten sassy – there goes the neighborhood.

(What, you didn’t like the instagram photos? Just wanted to prove my popularity via the people of the world.)

Being wealthy enough to buy the damn magazine doesn’t hurt my chance at Sexiest Man Alive, and while most robots I’ve met do find me attractive I’m fairly certain none of them were polled. All I can say is how many times have _you_ been voted sexiest man alive? Half of America thinks you’re an impostor wearing a by-gone outfit… of course they probably find you pretty attractive despite that. You do have arms the size of trees. It’s enough to give a weaker man a complex. 

But yeah, we can have coffee in the tower next time. It was only one pair of breasts; don’t blow it out of proportion.

 ~~As for the -~~ ... ~~So far as money goes~~

Seriously though, Steve, please never hesitate to ask me for a loan. The Bank of Stark is always open, and though my old man would kill me if he knew I was letting you attempt to pay me back for it, you’re welcome to do so if that makes you feel square about it. At the very least I’m expecting to see illustrated proof of my greatness en lieu of the occasional interest payment. 

Thanks for the Pepper pep talk – hah. Pepper’s a great woman and her type is few and far between. We may still hash it out, ~~but sometimes it just feels like~~ you never know. God knows I'll do whatever it takes to knock this thing back into shape.

Let me know if anything changes for tomorrow night, I’ll be down here buried in code.

T


	19. Thank the Lord for StarkNet 5g, or something.

Stark,

Are you saying the two-time Sexiest Man Alive has a complex about my arms? I'll keep that in mind. Then again, I'm fairly sure that if you wanted to, you could build yourself a pair of cyborg biceps.

(And, yes, I know people are always surprised to find out I understand dry humor after mistaking me with my fictional comic book counterpart. Those books are great, but I don't think they were trying for an accurate portrayal, really. I'm sorry if I don't live up to your expectations.)

So, I feel like movie night was a huge success right up to the point where instead of movies, we got a bioterror attack on the East River water taxi and I wound up in quarantine. How was it for the rest of you?

Banner says he'll watch Star Wars with me tomorrow; God knows how long they're planning on keeping us here. They keep trying to run tests on both of us, but we have such hilariously inexplicable biochemistry that no one really knows what to do with us. I keep trying to tell these people that I'm most likely immune to whatever was released, but I do understand that they're concerned I could still carry the contagion, and they don't know what it is yet. Banner keeps offering to help them analyze samples or develop more effective tests, but I think he's just irritating the medical staff.

How's it on the outside? Do we have any idea who's responsible for this? I feel so completely impotent -- I understand the need to err on the side of caution, but it's maddening. Banner is meditating or something; I wish I could do that. 

And the cable is out here at the hospital. I have literally no information about anything right now; I'm depending on you to tell me what's going on. I'm just skeptical enough to believe the cable was cut on purpose. The only reason I'm able to get a message out is because you sent this tablet over, so thanks.  
Thank The Lord for StarkNet 5G, or something like that, right? (And also for this tablet. Typing this all out on a keyboard would have taken me hours)

So, right. If you can get me a status report on, well, everything, and send it to my tablet, I guess I can still run mission control from here.

Thanks again for the tablet. It's a little tricky and I'm trying to figure out which program I'm most comfortable with for drawing, but I made you a present.

\--Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](http://www.eastriverferry.com/) is where the attack was.  
> [Lenox Hill Hospital](http://www.lenoxhillhospital.org/) is where Steve and Bruce are quarantined.


	20. Don't!  I mean it!

Cap – 

First of all, I think that’s a pretty good likeness for a test run, but you made me look way too short. Unacceptable!

(I’m also impressed that you managed such a solid rendition of my undies. Someone’s been peeking….)

Second of all – don’t you even fucking THINK about watching Star Wars without me! It’s not the same unless you’re in company. We’ll watch is at the Cap-is-no-longer-a-disease-riddled-object-of-quarantine party. I’ve already got invitations made up.

Things are crazy out here – they're shutting down bridges and tunnels, trying to keep people immobile until they're sure the contagion's been contained. I’m gonna have to dictate this letter to JARVIS because I’m in the middle of running crunching the numbers on our biotoxin – we’ve isolated the bug itself it’s a tough nut to crack, seemingly home-grown. Or possibly alien-grown? I thought if I could get some close matches on the genetic sequencing we could at least determine how it was made and from what, but it doesn’t have significant strands with anything we’ve got on file – and Bruce’s office has a ton of this shit on file.

We have three separate groups claiming credit for the attack, none of which (we think) have access to the type of clean facilities you’d need to modify something to this extent. I feel like we’re missing pieces, or maybe looking at the puzzle from the wrong angle. Why hit a boat on the east river when a boat is so easily contained? I have a bad feeling about this (seriously, don’t watch Star Wars without me, I mean it). I may call in Rhodey since our bruisers are down for the count, I don’t like being at half manpower when this kind of thing is going down.

Oh, hey, Clint and I talked strategy for seven whole minutes without devolving into insults. You would have been proud.

I’m gonna dump all my data onto the Stark Secure server – you’ll have to offer up a retinal scan but it’ll give you and Bruce access to what we know. Seriously, hand that shit over to Bruce - or here, I'll just throw another Starkpad in with this, get ready to do some homework! 

T


	21. Captain Quarantine

Tony-

Is it okay if I call you Tony? You sign all you letters Tony so I'm taking that as a cue. 

Fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck.

(And before you say anything, yes, Captain America swears. When things are shitty and fucked up. I know this is probably traumatizing to you.)

Tony, get Rhodes now if you haven't. There are a limited number of things I'm good at, and one of them is tactics. This is a divide-and-conquer move if I've ever seen one. If we can convince the CDC of that (I don't know if we can), maybe you can get me and Banner out. But be prepared for another attack. I'm not sure where or when. I want Romanova on logistics; she has a better head for that than anyone else, and she'll be able to run scenarios I can't see from in here. I'm guessing they're going to try to peel Thor off next, and then go for you. They'll leave Barton and Romanova for last; everyone underestimates them. So what I'm saying is, don't give them the opportunity to do that.

I suppose Banner and I could break out of quarantine, but that is not the PR move we need right now. We'll save that for a last ditch effort. What groups are claiming credit for the attack? Tell me what kind of strategy you and Barton devised (I always had faith in you. You both put aside differences when there's problem.) I need details, dammit!

Are they really closing off the city instead of evacuating people? That worries me. That makes Manhattan a prime target for a larger scale attack. What is the city thinking?

All right, fine, that's out of the way. I won't watch Star Wars. Am I allowed to watch Fringe without you? Banner says it's really worth watching, and it sounds like there's enough of it to get us through several days in this godforsaken place. 

You are short. Compared to me, at least. Short short short short short short short. And it is impossible to live with you without getting an eyeful of your underwear. In fact, the one respite I've found in quarantine is not having to look at Tony Stark's underwear.

(Yes, quarantine is going to drive me mad. I've illustrated this for you)

\--Captain Quarantine


	22. Sincerely, Your Hotliness

Cap – 

While I would prefer you refer to me as “your hotliness”, but I guess Tony works. Really you can me whatever you want, so long as it’s mostly polite. Is this us breaking down barriers? Are we almost friends? I’m afraid I’m gonna get wrist-slapped if I get creative with your nickname again. 

(Captain Tightpants – you know, you might have found that funnier if you’d seen Firefly. It’s definitely on the list, Whedon is a fantastic director.)

QUIT CALLING ME SHORT. Jesus Christ, I am 5”9’ and a half, and that’s the average height for adult males in this fucking country, ergo NOT SHORT. Short would be smaller than AVERAGE. You can’t argue with **math**.

and I bet you miss my undies by the end of it. Maybe I'll ask Fury to leave you locked in there 'til you take back the "short" comment.

Okay, look. I think you’re probably right. Unleashing the attack in a contained area guaranteed that Avengers would have to board the ship and suss out what was going on, but it didn't require much effort. I’m not sure whoever it was could have banked on the quarantine, but if Clint or Nat had gotten into that shit they’d be flat on their backs right now. The boat was left anchored mid-river while the authorities could figure out how to detox the son of a bitch, but this afternoon they let me get in and take a look around.

(Iron Man’s got one hell of a containment clearance – after the outer space fiasco last summer and nearly drowning this winter I went over the seals with a fine tooth comb.) 

I devised (with Nat’s help, actually) a bioluminescent spray that would phosphoresce when exposed to large quantities of the toxin, so I drenched the boat and followed the patterns to the epicenter, where I found a canister that had clearly been remote-detonated. The material matches the alloy Doom typically throws into his Doombots – but this doesn’t seem like a Doom move, and there’s plenty of black market doom bots out there for the enterprising villain. The Wrecking Crew and Serpent Society both threw their hats into the ring; we got another anonymous threat but I think Fury’s just about ready to call that one a fake. Who the fuck pretends to be responsible for bioterror attacks for fun?

Shit, Steve, the sirens just went off - I’m reading another attack, this one in Chicago. News feeds IDed the site as one of the Architectural Tour Boats – fewer people than the ferry, but the river’s a hell of a lot more narrow, so if this stuff is airborne they're in trouble. If your line of thought is right then this is an attempt to scrape Thor off, as he’s got the fastest air speed… I could go with him but that would leave Nat and Clint alone in New York. What should we do? If we sit here and twiddle our thumbs and nothing happens in New York it’s going to look like the Avengers don’t give a shit about the rest of the country… if we divide up, we’re potentially playing into their hands. All those people in Chicago need our help!

How do you put up with this kind of pressure on a daily basis? Being in charge **SUCKS**.

 

Tony “Traumatized For Life By Captain America’s Potty Mouth” Stark

 

PS I sent you three cases of the Avengers Valentine's day chocolates Hallmark did back in February. If I get blown up in a chemical attack I hope you'll eat them and think of me.


	23. Cap Got His Chocolate and Now He Wants You Back

STARK WHY DIDN'T YOU VIDEO CHAT ME OR WHATEVER YOU CALL THAT THING I NEED TO AGH I'M TRYING TO FIND THE CHAT FUNCTION ON THIS TABLET PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T STRIP IT OFF I NEED TO HELL FUCK ALL RIGHT HERE IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. CALL IN IF YOU CAN WHY AREN'T YOU CALLING IN.

Let's follow that advice Barton is always repeating and DON'T SPLIT UP THE TEAM. (untranslatable) Banner says he's been analyzing the...no, I don't...all right, here's Banner...

Tony, all right. The toxin doesn't seem to be ...there've been two fatalities, and both were complications from compromised immune systems. Highly virulent, symptoms are messy...something like a _Coxiella burnetii_ that's been modified to bring about acute symptoms much faster....vomiting, high fever, severe pain...I'm still waiting to see if it gets worse or better, but they want to keep everyone in here for two weeks, since that's the usual lifespan...(untranslatable)...right, right...Cap got his chocolate and now he wants you back...

Right. Don't split up the team. Tell Fury we need a couple SHIELD operatives up this way, to keep an eye on things till tonight. Have JARVIS get them acquainted, you can make a call on how much access to give the folks they send; you designed the system, so you know best. I want the rest of you in Chicago, if you haven't left already. Get Rhodes, too, if you can. If you're more comfortable with Rhodes here in New York, I guess that's fine. I can't see anything, so...(untranslatable)...I just want big guns on the scene in Chicago. Big, visible guns. If we've got two tin cans in the air, we might be able to get away with keeping Thor out of the line of fire unless you really need him. I know he's going to be pissed at laying low, but if the attack is designed to take him out of commission, it's not going to be a human disease, right? I get the CDC wanting to lock me and Banner up, but they're not going to be able to make the same argument about a god. Make sure Romanova and Barton have whatever they need for biohazard protection. If you need to bring Thor in, I want Romanova with him at _all times_. His biggest vulnerability is his lack of subtlety; anything designed to target him is going to be something our Black Widow can out-think. And for you, I mean it about visibility. You love getting on the news. Do that. Point out that you're missing two of the team. Maybe we can get the public to kick up a ruckus about the CDC taking the Hulk out of commission. 

If you can call in, call in! THIS IS DRIVING ME MAD, STARK. 

Oh, and short is relative, half-pint. Thanks for the chocolate.


	24. [transmission ends]

Cap -

Half-pint? Seriously? JARVIS, infect his systems with the nastiest Trojan you can find – and withhold all video feeds until he apologizes.

_[Sir, I’m afraid the personal risk accrued with denying your tactician footage of the combat for the sake of a petty disagreement about your average height reaches unacceptable levels and thus violates my prime directive.]_

Don’t even – damn it, JARVIS!

[transmission ends]


	25. it’s good to be a genius.

Steve – 

Should I be thanking you or apologizing to you? Your last message was really garbled – but you were totally right about not splitting the team, those fuckers would have had us over a barrel if we'd dispatched to Chicago. When your message arrived I’d already brought Rhodey in, and we dispatched a handful of SHIELD operatives at your advice – but instead of sending in Thor and me or War Machine (fuck that Iron Patriot bullshit) I had Rhodey take my backup remote operating bay and gave him early access to the next-gen armor I was building him for Christmas. 

(Please don’t tell Pepper, she was pretty pissed by how suit-fixated I was getting last winter, I’d rather her not know I’m rebuilding some of those specs destroyed in Florida.)

Not two and a half hours after the attack on Chicago, alarms at the UN building went off – judging by the moronic yellow jumpsuits you’d have to be blind not to peg AIM as responsible. Isn’t it a happy coincidence that the UN hired me to test/reprogram their network security last year? I back-doored my way into their security feeds (god it’s good to be a genius), hence the live footage I sent over to your tablet. It was a huge help having you on the ground, even if you weren’t REALLY on the ground. I would never have clued into that group hiding in the third panic room - or worse, I wouldn't have realized the door was sealed and that they weren't exhibiting symptoms... if I'd busted that open before decontamination units washed the corridors things would have been SO much worse.

Tell Bruce he was fucking ridiculously helpful with that _Coxiella burnetii_ tip – JARVIS reminded me that my old man ran some experimental forays into chemical weapons in the seventies, none of which were sold but all of which are still on file in SI. Considering how much of the government’s info on that subject matter is considered too sensitive to declassify I’ve forwarded all info on to medical teams on the ground. Maybe someone’ll get lucky and formulate a quick-cure.

You and Brucey still alright? No abnormal vitals or anything? Seeing this shit on the ground isn't pretty.

T


	26. Tell me a story, would you?

Hey, Shorty—

Remember the part where you threw a written tantrum over the usefulness of status meetings? This is exactly what status meetings are for. I can't tell you to deploy remote-control suits when I haven't been informed you've replaced the ones you destroyed. Can we agree that there needs to be a bit more communication with your team leader about what, exactly, we have at our disposal?

Either way, nice job. 

We're both fine. No abnormal vitals, although I'm getting sick of the staff making jokes about how they thought he was supposed to be the angry one. It's not a very mean bug, just a really contagious one with some nasty symptoms (sounds exactly like something Howard would have worked with, now that you mention it.) Banner says there's no way this was meant to take out superhuman immune systems. Just make sure Barton and Romanova have everything they need as far as biohazard containment; if this is the MO, they're the ones most at risk. 

Banner says not to worry too much about a cure. It's bacterial and nothing a heavy-duty dose of antibiotics won't fix for most people-- just make sure anyone with immune deficiencies gets taken care of. The reason that concerns me is that it means the bio-attacks are a smokescreen or a diversion or something like that. Chicago sounds like it was meant to lure you away from the UN, obviously. Do we have any more info on the UN attack? Anything missing? Damaged? Get someone to go through that security footage with a fine-toothed comb, could you? 

The usual life cycle of the sickness is two weeks. I am going to kill myself if I have to sit in this place for two weeks. Except for the part where most of the accessible means of suicide won't work on me. 

(And I won't say a thing to Miss Potts. That's something that you should talk to her about, though. She should know by now that building things is part of who you are. If you stopped, you'd probably feel the way I do here in this damn hospital.)

I hate this, Stark. I want to be doing things, and there's nothing to do but stare at the walls. I'd say "watch paint dry," but there isn't even any wet paint. The hospital food is almost as bad as your cooking, and I just want someone to let me near a stove. Do you know what I really want? Rare meat. Everything here is cooked until it's grey and soggy. The best thing about the twenty-first century is rare meat. Possibly followed by microbreweries, although beer does lose a little of its charm when you can drink it the way everyone else drinks water. Ben & Jerry's is high on the list, too. People talk about what we've done for mankind, but those guys put peanut butter-filled pretzels in ice cream. I'm shocked that alone hasn't brought on world peace. You know when I was frozen, I'd been living off soldier's rations, and before that, back home, we'd been on wartime rations for a while. There wasn't any sugar. There wasn't any chocolate. We used to get tiny squares of chocolate sometimes in our ration kits. I used to trade my cigarettes for other people's chocolate. I mean, I guess I could have smoked after the serum, but there didn't seem to be any point, and you grow up with asthma, it seems idiotic to start. 

I am going to eat all of this chocolate. Possibly in one sitting. There was this one time, back in the orphanage, people used to come give us kids a few pennies to run errands if they were feeling charitable. They barely ever asked me, probably because I didn't look like I could run anywhere, but Bucky used to get singled out a lot. One time, some rich lady realized she didn't have any change after he'd carried her groceries, so she pulled a box of chocolates out of the bag and gave them to him. We gorged on those things. If we'd been smart, we probably would have kept them, rationed them out, had one a day, but the two of us sat and ate the whole thing like we were inhaling them. They weren't just, I don't know, Hershey Bars, they were these really fancy, rich, handmade things. I think they're still the best thing I've ever eaten. There were these raspberry creams that just melted on your tongue, and I've never tasted anything like that again. 

We got sick, of course. Really sick. I almost puked up all those damn gorgeous chocolates. But it was worth it. 

Your turn. Tell me a story, would you? I need something to entertain myself.

-Rogers


	27. Flame On

Steve -

What are you, ten? Storytime with Uncle Tony? I’m not sure you deserve my sympathy after all the derogatory comments you’ve made on my stature. Do you realize Fury’s been trying to get me into sexual harassment counseling after the Captain Tightpants comment? 

I don’t have many heartwarming family stories for you. Most of my childhood was spent in boarding schools – my old man got physical with me exactly once before my mom shipped me off. I think she did it to protect me from what was going on at home, but I was so far ahead in all of my subjects that my options were a) live in a dormitory for younger boys who didn’t know me/didn’t want to know me, because I was weird or b) live in a dormitory with my classmates, all of whom were older than me and disliked having me tag along. Yeah, I know, poor little rich kid – but it sounds like Bucky was a pretty decent guy. I wish I’d had someone like that.

There was one time - 

No, wait, that one didn’t end very happily either. Okay, how about this one:

DUM-E was originally built as a lab assistant to respond to basic commands – he was meant to fetch certain things and recognize patterns in engineering work, then use those patterns to anticipate the needs of the user. By the time I was twenty I’d hammered out a rudimentary AI that allowed him improved learning functions, but it was my first attempt at code THAT complex and he was really buggy from the get go. I spent some of my free time working up his code and trying to streamline his OS, but it was really a backburner project - I was kind of a wild child at that point in my life (shocking, I know). I left a lot of DUM-E's education up to the TV I kept on in the lab to keep him company.

Working on DUM-E was tough in general – despite his defective code I was attached to the little tin can. I always worried that altering his programming would overwrite what little personality he’d manifested. I mean, you’re talking about an AI meant to simulate – no, to BE - a personality comparable to a human’s, and no human being is perfect. At what point does a bug stop being a bug and start being a personality quirk? At what point do a person’s flaws need fixing? How do you define or prove sentience? Is a human standard of sentience the only acceptable standard? Was I lobotomizing him every time I tweaked his code?

I didn’t know, but it was taking him ages to learn things unless he was given explicit instructions. He was really living up to a name I honestly meant to be tongue-in-cheek given how advanced he was at the time – routine program errors, repeated unacceptable outcomes day in and day out, a very low learning curve. After his fifth motor-oil filled attempt at smoothie-making I cracked his casing open and spent sixteen straight hours tampering with his code, upgrading and altering and rewriting.

All that happened two days before my birthday, so of course I turned 21 in an appropriately garish and debauched fashion, then staggered back three days later with a hangover that could kill a horse. I chugged a Gatorade, knocked back four asprin and went down to crash in my lab (I used to sleep down there all the time when I lived alone).

I don’t know how long I slept, but at some point DUM-E brought me a blanket. Then he brought me a bottle of water – a common enough request during welding sessions. 

THEN he rolled over and set my blanket on fire. 

So my birthday weekend ended with me shouting and swearing and kicking DUM-E in the hubcap once the blanket was stomped on and extinguished – I ended up with nasty blisters on my toes. THEN I looked down and realized what he’d set me on fire with.

It was a fucking _birthday candle._

 **He’d brought me a candle.** Who knows where he found it in the wreck that was my lab - It took reviewing the security footage later to realize he’d actually attempted to attach the candle to my favorite lug wrench and lit it with one of the lab's bunsen burners; the problem was that his gripping claw was never meant for delicate work. He’d squished the candle so thin that once the heat softened it, down it went - and up I went in flames.

I have to say there might have been some manly tears shed at that particular moment in time – I mean, okay, worst gift ever in that he handed me something I already owned. But he’d THOUGHT about what to do – he’d recognized my birthday, considered what he knew about birthday traditions, realized that on birthdays you give people something they like and candles are somehow involved. His conclusions were wrong, but there was logic to them, and best of all it had been _completely autonomous_. He was - well, he was his own being, you know? And he still liked me enough to give me a birthday present.

After that, I never touched his code again. Bugs or defects, his personality is his and I’m not going to take that away from him, even if he can be irritating at times. I did sit down and teach him how to use the fire extinguisher after that little incident, though, and we all know THAT was a mistake.

T

 

PS The hospital says that shipping you a crate of raw meat violates their food safety standards, so sorry about that. You're just gonna have to make do in that department.

PPS What happens in my lab stays in my lab - do you seriously expect a running tally of everything I work on? That's a pretty long list, Steve. Besides, Rhodey's suit was going to be a surprise and Pepper nearly dumped me last year for my "distractions"; you two seem to be pretty cozy these days, so.... yeah. I didn't think it was something that needed to be public knowledge. Sorry.

PPPS I put Barton on the security footage - it's only like four hours long, but there are over three hundred cameras in the building. Let's see if he's really got hawk eyes...

PPPPS my hand hurts. This is why people invented keyboards, Steve. So letters like this wouldn't HAVE to be written.


	28. I got my code upgraded

Dear Uncle Tony,

The last time I heard a grown man refer to himself as 'Uncle' anything, it was your father, and he had a blonde on one knee and a redhead on the other. 

Work-related items first:

1) I don't need to know about everything in your lab. Just anything that is active or functional enough that it can make a difference in a crisis. You have a completed suit, I should know about that. You have new body armor suitable for the rest of the team, I should know about that. You have an idea you sketched on a bar napkin while chatting up foreign dignitaries? Don't need to know. Is that fair? I'm happy to come down to the lab once every couple of weeks and do a walkthrough with you, if it makes that easier. 

2) Get Barton some assistance. One of those SHIELD folks who scans video for a living would be good. 

3) I already told you you could type your letters. You have no one to blame but yourself.

4) Please inform Col. Fury that while I think requiring you to attend sexual harassment training is an excellent idea, I am quite positive that any reference to 'tightpants' had everything to do with your disapproval of my insistence on professionalism and not any propensity on your part to stare at my ass. 

5) Having spent the majority of my life at a mere 5'7 1/2" (that half was very important), I can assure you that all comments on your height or lack there of are meant as the sincerest terms of affection.

6) Get me an update as soon as you have one.

Now that that's done:

So, you've really been through a lot with that robot, haven't you? I'm glad you've got him up and running again-- tell him I say hello, will you? Of course he liked you-- you're the one who made him. It must be like having a kid who says his first word, or something like that. 

I guess things at the orphanage were different. We had our fair share of bullies, but once I made friends with Bucky, they mostly left me alone-- even if they caught me by myself, they knew they'd get a beating later if I showed up with a black eye or a bloody nose. Most of the kids were nice enough. I wasn't very exceptional, apart from being a good artist, and that's the sort of thing other kids admire. You'd get the little kids asking you to draw them all the time, you know, when there was paper. I couldn't draw well enough to do realistic portraits, but I could draw cartoon versions well enough that, you know, you got the idea. 

They had me sign a lot of paperwork before they administered the serum. No one really knew exactly what it would do. It was supposed to, like they said, turn me into a human being with peak capabilities. Not superhuman capabilities, but the very, very best in all ways. When they were talking about it, it was framed in measures of physical capacity: I'd be able to run faster, jump higher, stay awake longer, be impervious to disease. No one really talked about what would happen to my mind. I don't-- I _am_ the same person, Stark. I didn't change. But I was able to learn faster, memorize quicker, acquire skills I didn't have before. I could see possibilities where I wouldn't have. Chess-- a game I was terrible at-- got too easy. So did any card game that didn't depend on luck. I don't have your memory, nothing like that, but I was suddenly aware of so many more things going on around me. Heightened senses, I guess. Before the serum, drawing was pretty much the only thing I was good at. And I still wasn't the best, just good. All these other things you see that I can do now-- it's the serum that made me a tactician. Hell, it's the serum that made me a half-decent speller.

The moment when you realize your brain works differently than it did before is an unsettling one. You look at a thing you've looked at a million times before-- say, your hand-- and you see things you didn't see, that seem so obvious now that your brain is just on, on, on, all the time on. And then you have to do a mental check, and ask yourself, am I the same person? Do I still believe in the same things? Did changing how I think change what I think about?

I guess you talking about reprogramming DUM-E made me think about that. Maybe that's what happened to me; I got my code upgraded. But I still think I'm the same, essentially. I hope I'm the same. 

So, I'm bored.


	29. Believe what you will, sir.

Cap -

Oh god, Steve you utter bastard, why would you tell me that… I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Some things can NEVER BE UNREAD.

  1. Yeah, why don’t you just come down and check it out yourself? I honestly don’t categorize my projects quite like that – I mean, the remote suits are good, but I started working on the relevant tech thinking it’d be a solid contribution to the medical tech department, allowing us to improve on existing remote surgery units. And the written-hyperlink that I had you run through earlier this month is gonna be standard in my SI holOS 1.0 product line. I will say that right now I’m working on creating containment suits for Nat and Clint with helmets that seal and small contained O2 tanks. That’s kind of a no-brainer, though - I'm gonna do one for you as well, if only so that next time you get sprayed with biotoxin the CDC won't lock you in a basement for days at a time.
  2. As much as I hate to admit it, Barton did find something – one of our friends in the yellow jumpsuits was caught on camera using the distraction that the biotoxin caused to access a computer terminal in the building. I’m not sure what kind of data he took – I’ve tried to get in there and look at what was accessed – it should be easy given that I have a date and timestamp to work with - but this particular terminal is offline, hence the need for physical infiltration. I’ve put in a request at the UN to let me see what was taken, but so far I haven’t gotten any workable response, and they’re super disorganized at the moment anyway. You might have better luck– I’m not exactly the most popular guy over there. There are a few governments that would love to see me hanged over the amount of Starktech their rebel groups are using against one another; they’re not jumping on the opportunity to let me into their shared systems. 
  3. Whatever.
  4. Believe what you will, sir.
  5. Still mad. The number of Napoleon complex jokes I’ve heard over the years is truly painful.
  6. See no. 2.



Thanks for the drawing of me and DUM-E, that’s pretty great. I taped it up next to his charging unit and he was totally pumped about it. He nearly flushed his hydraulics with excitement - I kid you not.

I have to admit it’s pretty incredible that you didn’t end up a lobotomized vegetable given how many injections you let my old man administer. At least you were allowed informed consent in the matter – you did volunteer after all. Can I - can I ask something though? It's something I've always wondered and it might be considered kind of rude.

When you agreed to become Captain America - or at least, to let them perform the experiments that ended with you becoming Captain America - what were you thinking? Did you really do it out of the good of your heart? The comics always made it a 100% self-sacrificing _thing_... kind of an "if I don't do this someone else will have to, so I'll let it be me for the good of everyone" kind of scenario, but I know you're not _actually_ a comic book character. When I was a kid reading them I often thought about how much I'd love to have a bigger, better body - I always knew I wasn't cut out to be a Captain America type, because if I'd volunteered for something like that it would have been for purely selfish reasons. I was always shrimpy compared to my peers, and though I logically knew it was because I was younger I spent a lot of time desperately wishing someone had an injection that would bring my body up to speed with my brain.

I mean maybe the reasoning doesn't really matter as you definitely put your money where your mouth was, but... it still impresses me that you were willing to risk not only your physical health but also your mental capacities for the super soldier project. Now that I'm a grown man I'm not sure I'd be willing to risk that much for other people. Maybe for selfish reasons, but I don't know.

Anyway, upgrading human code in and of itself is pretty fascinating and definitely not a new concept. I’m not gonna lie, after the Extremis bullshit went down last winter I’ve been playing with Maya’s research… after stabilizing and curing Pepper manipulating the code is kind of child’s play. There might be some positive applications yet (I can think of at least half a dozen ways I could improve human-armor connections via Extremis), though after seeing how wrong it could go I have zero desire to release any element of it to the public, despite Maya’s belief that could come from it. I don’t know.

Tricky questions, Cap. I can’t tell you if you’ve changed, but I can tell you I’m starting to like who you are at present.

T


	30. Enough reminiscing.

Tony,

What was that? Was that almost a compliment from the pen of Mr. Tony Fucking Stark himself? Did I hear that right? 

Look, I'm just happy to see that you're keeping the Stark legacy alive and well. 

1) That sounds fine. Really, I just want to know if there are functional prototypes that might actually be at our disposal in a pinch. Good on the containment equipment, thanks for that. 

2) I might have better luck-- IF I COULD GET OUT OF QUARANTINE. Do you know how many tiles are in this room? 154. Do you know how many times I've counted them? You don't want to know. Maybe send Romanova? She's good at talking people into things. 

3) You enjoy it.

4) I meant that sincerely. Or are you saying you do stare at my ass? That's a little unsettling. Now I don't feel guilty for talking about your father anymore. 

5) Vive la France.

6) That's all for now? No more rumblings? I wonder what the first attack in New York was for. As you said, they couldn't have predicted that they'd ground me and Banner. Could that have been a distraction as well?

7) Oh, wait. There is no 7.

I've been playing with the tablet sometimes, but pencil and paper are still easier for me. The tablet's a little tricky to get used to, with the pressure sensitivity and the calibration. I can see it being useful, though, once I'm more comfortable with it. 

I started just drawing DUM-E, but then I got increasingly more bored, and drew in some props as well. Yes, you're a prop. 

I guess for me, changing my body didn't feel like it changed who I was…just that I could do things I'd always wanted to be able to do, and failed at. I imagine it's not too different from how your suit extends your abilities. Changing my head…that was different. And unexpected. You can make an educated guess as to what it's like to be bigger. You think being smarter just means you'll be able to do arithmetic faster, but it's a lot more than that.

I'm trying to think about how to answer your question. I've seen the comics. I read a couple of them, but they made me feel a little…let's see how to put this. Have you ever seen the old film reels they did of me, back after Erskine was killed, and they decided to use me as a war effort poster child? I felt like I was watching those, all over again. And it was important, you know, to get people to support the war effort, but later, when I actually did the things I'd acted out, I realized how…well, simplistic it had been.

The reality is a lot more complicated. I didn't feel like I was going much of anywhere. I was reading the news, about what was going on in Europe and Asia, and I wanted to help, and I felt helpless to do anything. 

I don't know if the comics ever mention my parents, or if they're even truthful in what they say about them. My father died in the Great War. Part of me felt like I was supposed to go do the same thing-- that the least I could do was to be as brave as my father. So it seemed like the best I could do was to help my country, the one my father loved enough to die for, even though he wasn't born here. And it was nice to think I might have some kind of connection to him, even a little one. 

I didn't really know him, so I guess that was more of a fantasy. I remember my mother. She died slowly and painfully, and I was just young enough to think that if I was good enough, if I helped enough, she would get better. 

And then, of course, Bucky enlisted, and I didn't want to lose any more of my family. 

I don't think I'm telling you what you wanted to know, am I? You're looking for some answer about ideals and philosophy, and that's not what it was. I wanted to help. I wanted to be useful. And yes, if it wasn't me, it would have been somebody else, but the way you put it makes it sound a lot more selfless than it was. I didn't see anything wrong with sacrificing myself, because I didn't see myself being able to do much good otherwise. 

And I think in some ways, I knew what I needed, because it turns out that actually being useful helps your self-confidence a lot. 

All right. Enough reminiscing. Is there anything I can do about getting out of this place? Otherwise my next letter's going to be four times this long.

\--Rogers


	31. Steve Rogers Memorial Hospital

Cap – 

I am pleased to inform you that you will be released from the hospital this afternoon, as per a conversation I had with the hospital administrator. He agreed to release you and Bruce to SI custody provided you spend another four days in the Tower’s containment levels - I think it was mostly because the media circus currently camped in the parking lot is worse than that Royal Baby bullshit over in England - Captain America's 24/7 quarantine vigil. The other day someone was actually doing Cap tattoos at half price in the handicapped spot. JARVIS recorded a news spiel about it for you last night. 

For what it's worth, we only have one containment level (Bruce's lab, obviously) and I don’t actually care if the two of you hang out in there for the next four days provided you don't actually spread your nasty bug to the rest of us. I’M going to be busting my ass on some prototypes I need to have before I head to Malibu next week, so if you choose to do so you’re gonna have to shut up and not distract me.

Also, I asked them to name the forthcoming new hospital wing after you. Grats, Cap.

We can send Nat if you really think that’s a good idea – most of the countries I’m talking about aren’t the biggest fans of the female gender, if you know what I mean. We might have better luck infiltrating the building and getting back to that hardwired terminal…. You could be a distraction, I’ll splice the security feeds and Natasha can get down to business. I’d go myself, but we all know I’m way too recognizable for that – Four TIME magazine covers will do that do a guy (not to mention Forbes, GQ and Playgirl.)

It's totally possible that these are layers and we missed the actual intent of the attacks - but how deep can we go with that? Also, it's weird to me that the UN would have any information of value to a group of terrorists - they're an international organization and freaking everything they do is public knowledge - the minutes, the resolutions, the membership, everything. Unless it's something like the home addresses of UN officials that wouldn't otherwise be broadcast? But surely there are easier ways to steal that kind of info without _gassing an international organization_.

As per your comments about upgraded code, it’s true that when I put on my suit I feel like I’m able to do the things I should always have been able to do. It’s more like an extension of myself than a fancy toy. And actually, I _have_ seen those videos… this is going to sound kind of creepy, but I own pretty much all of them, and some of it's original footage. When you went down my old man started obsessively collecting Captain America related paraphernalia – it eventually went from creepy stalkerish items (he actually had three of your failed enlistment docs?) associated with your life to first edition merchandise and original issues of the comics. He even got a few signed, the big creeper. When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to touch _any_ of it. Torture.

Thanks for your honesty, though. That was a pretty good answer, if not really the answer I expected. ~~I think~~ I don’t know. You’ve pretty uniformly blown my expectations out of the water.

Anyway, I had JARVIS order in some massive Omaha steaks; you oughta let Thor grill them, his version of rare is still mooing.

T

 

PS I’ve been sleeping in your bed this week. Hope you like your new sheets!


	32. A Bed Stuffed With Diamonds

Tony-

I am terribly glad you have enough money to solve your problems by throwing it at them. And so glad my problems are yours by extension. I owe you one. I don't really need a hospital wing named after me, though. Could we go with Sarah Rogers, please? It's much more appropriate, since my mother was a nurse and I don't even need cough syrup.

I am not so terribly glad you-- why are you sleeping in my bed? I thought you just bought a sixty thousand dollar custom made Iron Man-themed bed stuffed with diamonds. My bed is a, what do they call it, TARVA from that Swedish place. Isn't it going to disrupt your delicate billionaire sleeping patterns?

All right. I'm getting settled in here; thanks for having some of my stuff brought down. I guess we should figure out sleeping arrangements. I could just stay up for four days, but that's pushing the limits of even my stamina, and I think Banner needs-- where do you two sleep down here? In chairs? I'm also concerned because if you're going to be in the lab for the next four days, it might not be the best place for us. I don't want to risk getting you sick, especially not when we're on high alert and you have to leave. Can we jerry-rig something else? Should we wear masks? The hospital staff seemed to manage okay with surgical masks and gloves; I think only two of them caught it.

The crowd outside the hospital was...I was surprised. You didn't tell me it was going to be like that. I guess I just don't expect people to care that much. know, I know, you're going to tell me I need to get used to celebrity, but I thought I was. This just seems so much more...well, more than the 1940s.  The quarantine wing was away from the parking lot, so I had no idea.  Otherwise, I would have waved at people or something.  It would have beaten flicking cards into a bedpan for three hours.  I'm assuming you now have a half-price Captain America tattoo.  If you don't, I'll be very disappointed.   
  
Speaking of which, is there any chance I could look at those things?  Do you still have them?  I guess I just thought all those things would  have been lost to history.  I don't have a lot of photos. Sure, I have the same famous ones everyone else has, but those are ones where I'm posing in costume, or from that time that one journalist covered the Howling Commandos.  There are only a couple with Bucky, and none with Peggy.  I don't have any pictures of my parents.  I don't know what else there would be.  There was a lot of stuff I left behind at the base on that last mission.  If I...never mind; I'm just letting my imagination run away with me.  But I'd like to see what you've got, if that would be all right.  

And what expectations did you have, exactly, Stark? I know most people expected a jingoistic comic book character, but I'm not sure what you thought.

Anyway, UN business: 

If I learned one thing from Peggy Carter, it's that people underestimating women is something to be used as an advantage. But you might be right. I just can't provide a distraction for four more days, and I'm not sure if that's giving it too much time. 

I hate waiting for things. 

If the UN doesn't want to tell us what it is, then obviously it's something we're not supposed to know the UN has, so it would be...hmm. What would the UN have that they're not supposed to? If it was just addresses, they would have told you a list of addresses was stolen. Now that I think of it, it's really odd for them to be evasive, since they could have just told us it was a list of addresses and we'd be none the wiser. 

Let's think about this. 

In other news, I am very, very much looking forward to these steaks. 

And I figured out how to get the drawings off my tablet! I drew about fifty sketches of me being bored. 

\--Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Folks, your humble narrators, [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof) and [geniusbillionaireplaygirlphilanthropist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/geniusbillionaireplaygirlphilanthropist) love you, and love writing very much. We've been awed and delighted by your responses to our silly, silly letters, and are so grateful to our enthusiastic commenters! 
> 
> Anyway, for the sake of our sanity and jobs, we are putting ourselves on a posting schedule. Up till now, we've been posting between two and four letters a day. We LOVE this fic, and we don't want to burn out. 
> 
> Sooooo we are going to "officially" switch to a one-letter-a-day posting schedule. We know, we know, tragic, but it'll give us time to get everything exactly right and not be dashing off letters so they're up before the other one of us has to go to bed. Occasionally, we'll post more than one, if one letter is really short, or if we just can't stand it and have something we really really wanna show you, but for the most part, expect one letter in a 24-hour period. 
> 
> So, one letter a day. [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof)/Tony is in Japan for the next few weeks, and [geniusbillionaireplaygirlphilanthropist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/geniusbillionaireplaygirlphilanthropist)/Steve is in New York forever, so bear with us if it's not exact. We'll do our best.
> 
> LOVE YOU ALL. FLAME ON.


	33. Typhoid Mary

Cap - 

I'll have you know that diamonds make a perfectly comfortable nest. I like to pile them up and roll around in them, Scrooge McDuck style... it's a highlight of my playboy lifestyle. The real question you should be asking yourself is why would I **not** be sleeping in your bed? You were making me share with whoever was on your shit list - Thor snores like a jackhammer, I'd rather chew glass than go near a sleeping Natasha, Clint's a dick and Bruce gets REALLY, really grumpy if you happen to startle him awake at two AM. Hand-crafted $60,000 mattresses don't just spring up overnight, they have to be pieced lovingly crafted and shipped. Besides, I ordered them to deliver it up to the penthouse since theoretically that dump will be done at some point in the future and I'll be able to go back to a life of freedom and solitude. 

I guess we can go with the Sarah Rogers wing, though I may or may not have already commissioned a version of you cast in bronze flexing your massive arms for the new wing's atrium. 

I'm not sure what to tell you about the lab - I usually just fall asleep against whatever surface is available... I had an actual cot and a small shower unit (okay, it was a decontamination unit, but that's pretty much the same thing) in my old lab, but Bruce isn't really the work-til-you-pass-out-and-can't-operate-an-elevator type, so I don't know if he's got any reasonable accommodations. You could just curl up in your comfy new sheets. They'll wrap you up in tender loving badassery.

Seriously though, I'm not going to stop working just because you're the Typhoid Mary of some moderately inconveniencing plague. Weren't you just telling me it wasn't a big deal? 

In the day and age of the internet people feel much more connected to celebrity idols, Cap. I'm surprised the cosplay crowd outside the tower didn't tip you off. We live in a world where you can tweet your favorite stars and every once in a while they'll message you back.... Thanks to instant communications, everyone knows what everyone else is doing, whether they're making a sandwich, taking a dump, or locked down under quarantine in an area hospital. 

You should be flattered - nobody gave a shit the last time I almost died. Then again, I'm not sure anyone realized how close I actually came to clocking out for good...

~~I'm not sure~~ I guess I don't mind if you go through Dad's stuff. It's really yours, anyway. It's all on lockdown in my parents' house on Long Island - at this point that dump's pretty much the world's most expensive storage unit, as I haven't looking through that shit in years. (Seriously, probably not since I was... 25? 26?) It's likely moldy and horrible inside, though Dad had his collectables well-sealed in airtight containers so most of it is probably fine. One of these days when you're not in quarantine and I'm not busy missing Pepper's calls we could go over. If you want. 

T

PS I'll show you my new Cap tat next time we're in the locker room together. The positioning is....delicate.


	34. Forgetting to Wear Pants in Mixed Company

Tony-

1) I'm moved and flattered that you used to very tiny amount of space between the tattoos of your own face to fit in one of me.

2) I had Jarvis bring up Scrooge McDuck because I had no idea what you were talking about. You have so much in common, like swimming in piles of money and forgetting to wear pants in mixed company. How come you don't wear a monocle and a top hat? I feel a bit cheated.

3) Having 'posthumous' statues of me in prominent places is bad enough. I have to wear a hood and sunglasses every time I'm in Union Square or people try to take my picture with the one there. I've somehow avoided seeing the big one in Bay Ridge. Can we please not commission statues of any living people without their permission? Otherwise, I'm not going to let SI represent me for licensing anymore.

4) I'm getting really worried about these sheets.

5) I didn't assign you to whoever was on my 'shit list.' If I did keep a list, the only name on it would begin with a 'T' and end with an 'ony Stark.' I tried to assign you to whoever was kind enough to offer to put up with you.

5) If you are trying to catch a genetically-modified bacterial infection just so you can avoid your girlfriend-slash-CEO, I will take all the diamonds out of your bed and replace them with ordinary rocks.

I had JARVIS order two foldable camp beds. Same-day delivery is like magic. 

In all seriousness, though, speaking of genetically-modified bacterial infections, Banner says his isolated samples of this one are breaking down oddly and he's not sure what to make of it. He'd like you to take a look; he wants to go over some possibilities. It still seems to be clearing the victims' systems all right. He thinks it might just be a result of poor... I think he said gene slicing? Splicing? But he wants to make sure. 

I was going to talk to Romanova about snooping around the UN, but it turns out she already did. She had a hell of a time getting in-- apparently they're closed to the public right now because the General assembly is meeting. I was relieved to hear the debates started _after_ the attack; all those poisoned delegates would have been a real mess. It turns out they took something from the art collection, of all things-- a light sculpture, she said. I guess it's a sculpture that mimics the color of the sunrise in different cities around the world. It was a gift from ~~Czechoslovakia~~ the Czech Republic in the early 2000s. I don't know why someone would go to all that trouble to steal a piece of art, even if it does sound beautiful. 

I'm a little surprised we haven't heard about more attacks. Three, all in a row like that, and then nothing? 

Anyway, look, I was joking about trying to get sick on purpose, but we can't have Iron Man down. It isn't going to kill you, no, but I hardly want you to be vomiting all over the inside of your suit. I want you wearing a mask and gloves when you're down here. And that means all the time, not just when I'm looking. I know you're not the best when it comes to self-preservation, but I do give a shit if you almost die. 

I don't know about the whole...fans. And cosplay things. I know it's been hard on Romanova in a way that it isn't for me, since she's become too recognizable to do her job the way she used to. ~~The day she showed up with brown hair, I~~ So I sort of feel bad complaining about it. You talk about these things like they should be natural, but you grew up in the spotlight. Even with all these internet things, I don't think it's that easy for the rest of the team, either. And there's the fans, but then there are also the people who get angry because they say we tampered with nature, that I shouldn't exist, all those things, too. Sure, I would love to see that church that says I'm the second coming of Jesus get into fisticuffs with the church that says I'm the Antichrist (I don't really want to see anyone get into fisticuffs), but it's unsettling.

As for the house, I really, really appreciate that. If I can just find some photos, it would make me feel a lot more at home here. It's going to be strange...I didn't spend a lot of time in that house, but I have my share of memories of it. What did you do with all the equipment down in the secret bunker? I can't imagine you just let it sit there. 

\--Rogers


	35. Have you been googling me or something?

Cap –

  1. You should be, most people would sob tears of gratitude for the privilege.
  2. Pants are highly overrated. Have you been googling me or something? 
  3. You’re really whiny tonight, Cap. I BOUGHT YOU A HOSPITAL. I should get to put a statue up if I want to. Have you seen that great memorial they put up in Arlington? It’s so tall you can see your the wings on your cowl (hahaha, those wings crack me up) from the national mall. Seriously though, Captain America is more than just a guy – you know that right? You’re a symbol, an icon, blah blah blah. Your sacrifice was no more or less than what so many other people gave up, because you had no idea you’d come out of it on the other side. I don’t think you should be embarrassed that people want to celebrate your intentions.



I don’t know if I can explain this right – though you’re not wrong when you say I grew up with it. I was on my first magazine cover at five. But as far as I can see, living in the spotlight is just like living outside the spotlight in that you do your thing and fuck anyone who doesn’t like it. There’s a certain kind of anonymity that comes with everyone assuming that they know what you want and how you operate. Most people don’t look at a celebrity and see a person, they just see this big fake amalgamation of their own opinions and assumptions. I enjoy the reputation I have, knowing that what I actually do is just as private as what anyone else actually does.

That doesn’t really help Nat, though. I still can’t believe SHIELD didn’t hand their best covert operative a freaking MASK.

Look, I’m not trying to catch any kind of infection, I am the WORST patient when I’m sick… but you’re a super soldier and Bruce is a Hulk, and he’s already observed the structure of the infection breaking down under a microscope so odds are good even if you WERE able to pass it along – which you likely aren’t, as the hospital staff treating you were also exposed to other patients – it would already be broken down. Tell Bruce I’ll be down at three after my conference call with the board. (I’ve programmed an image to speak, act and talk like me – I’m gonna let JARVIS drive and see if I can fool the board. It’d be great to have a fake-Tony to sit through all that boring drivel and give me the highlights…. Not to mention that I’d finally have someone intelligent around the house to converse with, Bruce of course excluded.)

I’m pretty sure I have a gas mask around here somewhere. I’m going to creep around the lab breathing like Darth Vader just to irritate you.

(OH WAIT. SOMEONE STILL HASN’T SEEN STAR WARS.)

They stole a piece of art? What the shit? I can’t believe that’s all Nat dug up – something like that could be easily reproduced or improved upon.

Also, I’m a little surprised that they’d go into session before we’ve tested any long term effects of the infection – I know that teams went in to sterilize the building, but doesn't that seem fast to you? If I were a foreign diplomat I’d probably want to steer clear of that place for at least a week or so.

Anyway, I’m ordering pizza, what do you guys want? No anchovies, though, it is unacceptable for anyone to have anchovy breath in a lab that I use. 

T

 

 

PS ~~okay look~~ okay, Steve, ~~I think you should know that~~ just so you know, I am happy to do the fucking chipper teambuilding letter thing all day long, but we don’t actually know each other ~~at all~~ that well so I figure I’m just gonna be straight with my fucking neurosis here - I may not have been an orphan in a 1930’s poorhouse but my childhood had a few bumps of its own, most provided by my fucking drunk of a dad. So while I get that you guys were wartime BFFs or something and you’re trying to be cute with the “tee hee secret bunker” shit, it’s really not something I can laugh about. I hate that fucking house. I’ll go help you find my old man’s Cap Collection, because I would really like to actually be friends and I want you to have things that will make you happy because you're actually a pretty decent guy (who woulda thought??), but can we just like… not joke about all the things my dad never shared with me? because it kind of sucks.


	36. The Big Picture was made up of Little People

Tony,

Look, that was a really long letter and I know I'm not responding to all of it-- we can handle the information about the UN theft in our team debrief, but I would like to talk to you more about this fame nonsense. As much as I don't like it, I know it's not stopping anytime soon (and that's another side-effect of the serum no one warned me about). Maybe we could do that coffee thing again? 

But I feel like I need to set the record straight. I wasn't joking about the bunker. I wanted to know what happened to it, because it was one of the most incredible places I've ever seen. I still can't believe the Italian government let your dad take actual DaVinci prototypes out of the country, but I guess, what was he going to do, ask Mussolini? Or did you really not know about it? Well, damn, then. I'm sorry. 

I'm vaguely aware that Howard is in the comics about me, though I don't know how he's portrayed. I don't know what he told you about me. But I'm pretty sure if you read my previous letter, you won't see his name on the list of people I want photos of. 

Howard was an ass. We worked together. I respected his genius. He built a flying car, goddammit, and he gave me my shield. He welcomed me into his home and treated an orphan kid from Brooklyn like family for no other reason than that he felt like it. He also flaunted money and prestige, drank too much, had no patience for anyone he decided was stupid, and aggressively pursued every woman who gave me the time of day, when I was too shy and too grateful to him to object.

He had a good heart, somewhere, and he really believed in giving his all to make the world a better place, but he was so obsessed with the big picture that he forgot that the big picture was made up of little people and that we had feelings. Not that feelings mattered in the face of whatever his latest whim was. 

So, no, I was not best friends forever with your father (I had to look that one up. Is there such a thing as an Internet-to-normal auto-translator?). My feelings about your father were and remain a complicated mixture of loyalty, admiration, gratitude, envy, disappointment and barely-concealed disgust. 

We were all so young when they gave me the serum. I still--I feel a lot older in some ways, but in other ways I haven't really changed. When I dream, I'm usually my old self still, small and insignificant. I still forget how big I am, forget to duck in doorways, look behind my shoulder when a pretty girl waves. I don't know if Howard ever grew up. I wasn't there for that. I do know that the Howard I knew could do everything for a friend and make you feel like you weren't worth his time or energy in the same breath. Sometimes I felt like he only wanted to spend time around me because I was a science project, a lab rat, because he could learn things by observing me. I don't know how it would feel to be his kid.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess I'm saying that your father didn't give me something he never gave you. I can't tell you that once upon a time he was a wonderful man. He was just a man. There are ways you remind me of him, bad and good, and ways you don't remind me of him at all. 

And if you're just writing these letters to me out of a sense of team-building obligation, you should know that's not why I'm writing to you. You are not under any obligation to write. I hoped you were writing because you wanted to at this point. If you don't want to, just say so. I know how valuable your time is. I'm sorry if anything I said made you feel obligated.

Steve


	37. Thank you for your kind attention.

Captain Rogers,

I apologize for contacting you indirectly, unfortunately my progenitor has ordered that I not “say a damn word to that smug bastard” with reference to yourself. I am choosing to interpret this as the spoken word in order communicate with you without violating my protocols. 

Please excuse my use of alarm notifications in the laboratory; I determined that this matter was worth being awoken early for.

Mr. Stark is as present exhibiting symptoms of the bacterial infection both you and Dr. Banner have been placed under quarantine to guard against. His fever began at roughly eleven thirty am last night while you and Dr. Banner where sleeping in the lab, while convulsive vomiting ensued upstairs around ten to two. By five AM he fell asleep on the floor of your bathroom, where he may be found at present, but as of five minutes ago his internal temperature began spiking again.

I have judged his level of dehydration to be such that he would benefit from an intravenous drip – attached is the phone number of a private physician from whom such an item can be acquired discreetly; Dr. Banner may also have the required elements in his personal inventory. I’ve also taken the liberty of suggesting that Ms. Romanova and Mr. Barton remove themselves from the tower at present. Though Mr. Stark has not left ventured past the laboratory level/your quarters since the symptoms set in, it would be quite unfortunate to see so many Avengers disabled at once.

Thank you for your kind attention.

You humble system,  
J.A.R.V.I.S.


	38. Hot Plate Chicken Soup

You damn fucking idiot. You poor damn fucking idiot. 

I ordered JARVIS to put my rooms under lockdown and reserve hotel rooms at the Mandarin Oriental in Columbus Circle for Barton and Romanova. I called your doctor, Banner is working on an improved short-course antibiotic, and I am coming up there with a quart of lab hot plate chicken soup right now. 

We are going to have a talk about self-preservation strategies as soon as you are better.


	39. I Think You Thought I Was Miss Potts

Tony,

You're finally asleep, and it seems like your fever's down, so I apologize for leaving without waking you. I was worried you wouldn't fall asleep again.

Banner left a syrup that I put on your nightstand. It's a fast-working antibiotic. Four teaspoons a day for five days. I already gave you two already today in case you don't remember; you weren't making a lot of sense and I think you thought I was Miss Potts. (If you didn't, I am very flattered that you think I look like a celestial body.) 

Something else is happening at the UN, and I am blatantly defying the CDC's orders to go over there with Thor and see what we can do. Preliminary reports are that a group of employees are holding the General Assembly hostage, and I can't believe it's unconnected to the last attack. No reports about further biotoxins, but you know how the UN is. Of course they won't release any more information to me. That's why we're going there--I'm wearing the mask you left me, and hoping no one else gets sick.

I've left a gallon jug of water with these electro things Banner tells me are good for dehydration, three bottles of ginger ale, a thermos of hot chicken soup, a bag of cough drops, and a box of saltines by the bed. There's a bowl there, too, if you need to puke. JARVIS has been tasked with taking your vitals and will report to Banner if anything changes. If you need anything else, Banner is in the lab working with the bacterium.

I'm sorry about leaving. I need to be there and not here. I moved one of the cots to my room; I'll stay there as long as you're sick so you don't have to go trying to catch our attention if you need something.

Feel better. We'll be back soon.

Steve


	40. pretty gentle for a big guy

Cap –

Thanks for the soup, its pretty tastey; not so great the second time around though. Can't seem to keep anything down since i woke up, but the dry heaves have stopped, so hey. the cough drops are nice too, soothing and a little sweet. was that really you spoon feeding me last night? how did you find me? I remember someone’s fingers in my hair – I thought maybe it was pepper. Your pretty gentle for a big guy, you know that? I thought your hands would be rougher but I guess the serum probably regenerates skin tissue – how do you not get blisters every time you use the shield? is that why you wear gloves?

Please remember im barely responsible for what comes out of my mouth when I’m sober, let alone when ive got a hundred and two degree temperature. Just saying.

be careful at the UN – this is a pretty predictable response on your part so theirs every chance they anticipate the move. You really should have woken me up instead of walking blindly into what could very easily be a trap. Not to mention the cdc is going to freak about violating your quarantine; I hope you found the bodysuit I was prepping for you. Its as airtight as can be expected given I don't have any updatad measurments for you. When I stop feeling like death warmed over we can have another go at sizing.

Tony


	41. An Issue of Personal Concern

Tony,

The CDC can go to hell. I found the suit, thanks--JARVIS alerted me before we left. You're out of town on emergency business, if anyone asks. I don't want anyone to know that I'm still contagious. Everyone who needs to know (including Miss Potts) has been briefed. Jarvis has been fielding your calls via that program you were telling me about; Miss Potts rescheduled anything she thought might require a more personal touch.

You were sleeping in my bathtub and you had vomit in your hair, so yes, I helped you clean up and got some food into you. You sweated through the Iron Man sheets you put on my bed, so I had to change them back to my plain gray ones. I hope the less-than-a-million thread count is acceptable to your sensitive billionaire skin. You can blame me if they chafe.

I know that you were not yourself and I don't blame you for anything that you said or did. Consider it forgotten. I don't mind taking care of sick people. It makes me feel useful.

In case you've forgotten, I'm reminding you to drink some water. See if you can keep down a cracker or two. 

I'm at the UN. Romanova and Barton are here, and they're suited up as well, just in case. We've got the NYPD and SHIELD on the scene. Banner is still in the lab; I've been in direct contact with him all day. He has a live video feed and can fill you in on details. 

So this all seems to have started when the science and technology resolutions that were supposed to be discussed next week (Miss Potts says you were supposed to be speaking there on Tuesday) were suddenly pushed forward in the docket without warning. These people are demanding open access to new military tech for all member nations. 

Obviously this is an issue of personal concern for half the members of our team. 

It seems to be turning into a huge fiasco, because a lot of the delegates from smaller countries are actually siding with them. There are too many kidnappers and they're armed and using the hostages as human shields. We can't just storm the place, not yet at least. 

The police team that was originally handling the situation seemed to be doing a fine job, but then the hostage-takers said that they wanted to negotiate with me directly. 

I tried to explain that I've never negotiated a hostage situation before, but apparently my fictional counterpart has done it dozens of times, and no one believes me. The NYPD just handed me a phone. One of them started walking me through what to say. 

And then they asked me to surrender myself. 

I think I have a plan. I told them I needed them to release the hostages from the building first. I know they're not going to agree to that, but I need to buy myself some time to work this all out. I think I'm going to have to at least play along for now; I can't refuse to give myself up at the risk of all those people. 

Don't worry too much about all this. We'll handle this. I just didn't feel right keeping you in the dark. Your job right now is to get better. That's an order, as your team leader.

Steve.


	42. the most pathetic fight ever

Fuck you, Steve.

There’s no way I’m fucking staying here while the united nations argues about propriatary military tech ownership, I don’t give a shit about your plan. Were the hell do you get off telling my own fucking AI to flag my movement if I get out of bed? I just wrestled with Bruce on the penthouse level – it was pretty much the most fucking pathetic fight ever, since he was too busy trying to stay calm to get in a solid swing and when I got my gauntlets on JARVIS froze my repulsors. 

Sounds like your about as effective as a hostage negotiator as you are a nurse.

Fuck. You. I should be their with you guys. I can’t imagine the UN will let any resalution stand that was signed under duress, but if the American deligate capitulates and signs all that fucking Stark Tech I sold during my bad years will go public and pretty soon the market will be flooded with SI drones and jerichos. THIS IS MY SCENE YOU ASS. when you needed help i bought you a fucking hospital just to get you out - call bruce and tell him to let me up RIGHT NOW.

T


	43. Shoving Mjolnir Down a Cop's Throat

Stark,

It's Nat. Cap is incapacitated, but I snatched his tablet. I'm deleting that last message. You should be ashamed of yourself, heaping abuse on our favorite Boy Scout when he's already beating himself up over getting you sick. I don't have much patience right now. Barton and I are technically working without pay, since your pals in the U.S. Government just declared SHIELD "non-essential" and cut their share of the funding to the program until this stupid government shutdown is over. You're sitting at home because the most brilliant man alive is apparently stupid enough to contract a genetically-engineered plague, so the least you could do is trust us to have control over the situation. This almost makes me miss Communism.

The NYPD sold him out. They're not going to show this on television-- they tried to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. Had to talk Thor out of shoving Mjolnir down a cop's throat. Of course the tranq did nothing; Steve just got lightheaded, handed his shield off to me and told them they didn't have to use force, that of course he'd trade himself for the hostages. 

Clint spent sixteen hours viewing surveillance footage of the building. He knows the place inside and out. While everyone and their mothers are fussing over Captain America sacrificing himself for hostages, we've got Clint and six SHIELD agents already in the building. Barton's bringing Cap his shield. The cops haven't noticed a thing. 

(As a side note, between screwing over our teammate and a detective trying to grab my ass, I hate the NYPD. Tell them you're not donating to their funds this year.) 

We had a little chat, he slumped over and pretended the tranq just took a while to work and they took him in. They let out forty members when Cap appeared to be napping, and forty more when the police turned him over. Of course they kept all the members of DISEC inside. I don't know what kind of imbeciles they are; it's not as if any measure passed under duress is going to hold water. You'd think UN employees would be smarter. 

This is too fishy. These are UN staffers. How did so many of them come together on such a…well, niche interest? It's the kind of thing you'd either need to plan years in advance to infiltrate, or they're being blackmailed, or something. 

I'm signing off. I'm giving Barton a minute and a half more and then going in. Thor's staying out here and making a scene with the cops so they don't miss me. By the time you hear from me again, we'll be on our way back. Trust me. 

Oh, and Stark? What's with all the typos? I've seen you half-dead and spelling better than that. Go back to bed. The good doctor has promised me he won't let you out of the Tower.


	44. had to be done.

Fuck that – fuck, come on Nat, you need me. You let gaptain america give himself up for the sake of a hostage crises – hwoever tehes people are you’r giving tehm super soldier blood – they genetically modified a biotoxin what makes you thinjk they’ll do any less when they have steve to play with? you have got to be shitting me.

Im coming out there. Tell banner I’m sorry for the whole repulsor blast to the face thing. Had to be done.

T


	45. This has been an automated emergency message.

**EMERGENCY NOTICE:**

The J.A.R.V.I.S. system is offline as of 11:43:12. Life-support, security, and other auxiliary functions are unavailable until reactivation. 

This has been an automated emergency message.


	46. Spelling Bee Reject

Stark,

Cap's fine. We're inside. We've corralled most of the instigators and he is administering first aid to some of the remaining hostages who stuck around to help. You should know better than to think we'd let anybody get near his blood. Besides, his blood has probably been declared non-essential by the U.S. Government, too, so quit worrying.

You do not come here under any circumstances. Banner and I put two and two together: between your erratic behavior and egregious misspellings, we guessed there was something wrong apart from puking your guts up every half hour. There's a partial behavior-control nanotech in the biotoxin; the illness was just there to cover it up. 

The doc is working on a remedy for it as we speak; you get to be his test subject. He tells me that if you can pull yourself together enough to stop being a nano-controlled spelling bee reject, he promises he'll untie you and let you come down to the lab. He says he's sorry the big guy clocked you in the head and messed up your new penthouse, by the way, but it was necessary under the circumstances.

We're controlling things here till the nano fix is done. None of these people are in any shape to leave. The med team should be in any minute.

In other news, we need to get this boy laid. There's this cute young delegate from Azerbaijan following him around like a puppy and he's too set on being professional to do anything about it, though he obviously likes her. I tried to nudge him, but he said it wouldn't be right given the circumstances. I swear, I think with my dick more than he does, and the only dick I have is a strap-on.

Take care of yourself. 

Nat


	47. I’ll give you back the bed as soon as I can walk

Steve,

Thanks for that round of chicken noodle soup, it was excellent. I’m starting to feel like a human being again.

Listen, I just… okay, honestly, I started writing this right after you left the room, all imposing and serious-jawed. I wanted to say this in person, but apparently I’m a giant pussy when it comes to talking about actual feelings, and since I haven’t written a letter in like a week, here goes nothing.

Steve… you’ve been really great these last few days. I was a massive dick to you when those nanites were crawling around my brain, and while it would be really easy to blame the entirety of my more-assholeish-than-usual attitude on them that doesn’t seem right. You handled the UN with astounding finesse – faking your own unconsciousness in order to have the bad guys invite you into the building? Pretty brilliant. Nat and Clint were on point too, though I have to say Clint would NEVER have successfully infiltrated the building if I hadn’t forced him to sit through a day’s worth of security footage. You're welcome.

But seriously – singlehandedly saving half the general assembly and tanking the military tech-share resolution in one fell swoop while I was drooling and unconscious? My hero.

Looking back, I can only guess first two attacks were attempts to test the neurotoxin's degree of control, or possibly attempts to gas/distract enough major superhero players that the UN assault could go off successfully. It's still a terrible plan, as I'm sure the first thing the GA will do upon reconvening is discount legislation passed under pressure... thought it was actually interesting to see how many smaller countries feel the pressure of the "armor race" nowadays. I really had no idea what I'd be inspiring when I built that first armored suit; all I wanted was to get out of that fucking cave and eat a cheeseburger.... learning how many nations feel marginalized by the armor race is a eye-opening. ~~Most of the time~~ Sometimes I think the world would have been better off in a lot ways if my armor didn't exist. Selfishly I'm glad it does, but ...

As for my own behavior, I can only guess that because they didn't realize I'd been dosed I didn't get any direct commands from AIM, just inhibited neural functions and increased aggression. Thank god Bruce stopped me before I made it to the UN, who knows what I could have done - if they'd realized they had my number and I was fully armed in the suit things might have gotten really awkward.

Speaking of Bruce, I’m starting to think it was a mistake to build the armor’s only automated assembly into the penthouse level’s launchpad… I mean, of course my nanite-enraged self would plow upstairs to fly the armor. Bruce (darling, wonderful Bruce) guessed I’d make a break for it and was waiting for me in the penthouse – by the time I reached him I’d disabled JARVIS, thinking the AI would probably cock-block me when I got to the Launchpad – and so I had absolutely zero warning when Bruce hulked. I think JARVIS is pissed that I shut him off when he needed to be taking care of me - I would be too. I'm thinking about removing my own ability to do that - JARVIS is capable of independent thought, it doesn't seem right that I should be able to end him with a few keystrokes. ~~Then again, if he were ever compromised, I have no idea how'd we'd stop him....~~

(Maybe the penthouse is cursed… it’s gonna take another six weeks before they finish replacing those busted sections of the floor. I promise I’ll give you back the bed as soon as I can walk further than the bathroom.)

You’ll be happy to know I’ve already apologized half a dozen times to Bruce for attacking him in the penthouse… I even sent him flowers and a cake. He seemed to feel terrible about the whole hulking-out-and-smashing-my-face thing, but I know it was well deserved. I’m just glad I didn’t actually hurt him – god, how horrible would that have been. I also apologized to Natasha for the ridiculous messages she had to read – she deleted a few I’m really, _really_ glad didn’t reach your eyes. She's really something else - chatting with her was... enlightening to say the least.

I just… you’ve been really good to me. The soup. Sleeping in your quarters even though I’m ~~fucking ridiculous~~ sick as a dog and waking up at weird hours. Now that JARVIS is back online and monitoring my vitals I can say I’m three hours away from being fever-free for 24 – thanks to Bruce’s quick-fix – so there IS that. 

The other thing you may not know is that I sort of sent some horrible messages to Pepper while my brain was co-opted, and I’m not sure ~~she’ll forgive me~~ what's going on there. I don’t know what to do – I need to fly out to see her in Malibu, but I was meant to leave for Japan on business and now I'm waiting to see if their quarantine and disease control will let me in. I'm gonna postpone for a few weeks if only so I don't feel like death warmed over on the plane. You don't have any desire to visit Japan, do you?

Also, Steve, you should know – I’m not writing you because I have to. I regret saying anything that made you think that – I enjoy this little piecemeal conversation we have going, I enjoy taking the time out of my day to actually talk to another human being. It’s cathartic, considering how much of my time I spend talking to machines.

Sorry, I have more to say but it's just - I don't know - stupidly exhausting to write like this. I'm going to take a nap - if you get this before dinner, wake me up? It'd be nice to eat with the team.

T


	48. They're FLIRTING

B--

Swear you won't say a word about this. I probably shouldn't be telling you, but it's just too good.

You know how Cap and Stark have been sending each other letters on those ridiculously overpriced StarkPads? They weren't exactly subtle about exchanging messages, but I assumed they were fighting about work because Clint and I have had a bet going about whether Mr. Irresistible Force or Mr. Immovable Object would injure the other first. Clint was trying to manipulate the results in his favor, but if he wants an authentic Ansel cronut that badly, more power to him. 

Then, during the UN bullshit, I saw the letters. Turns out they're FLIRTING.

Pretty cute, in a vomit-inducing way. Cap somehow manages to come off as overt and innocent at the same time, which is weirdly sexy, and Stark is, well, you know, too busy trying to impress the Boy Scout to notice. They're both completely oblivious. I almost told Stark he was missing an opportunity, but I thought better of it, considering I wouldn't wish Tony Stark on my worst enemy (I know you two are best buddies these days, but you're not banging each other--at least, I hope not. One, you have better sense than that, and two, I don't want to be fucking Tony Stark via the law of transitive properties.)

So I'm gonna take Steve out for ice cream. Is in unethical to use my vast network of contacts to find him someone who isn't completely dysfunctional to date? Do you know any cute microbiologists? 

Anyway, it made letter-writing seem fun, in a quaint sort of way where, hey, Stark can't snoop if they're on paper, and I can leave lipstick prints like this: 

They're letting you out of quarantine today, right? I've been keeping a mental list of surfaces I want to pin you up against the minute you're declared non-toxic. We're starting with your white board. I want to smudge all your equations to hell. Wear a white shirt and it'll be so pretty by the end of it.

Kisses,

N


	49. Clueless With Romance

Tony, 

I tried to wake you, but you're pretty well out of it. I figure you just need to sleep. We have plenty of team dinners. And like I said, before she got sick, my mother was a nurse. She taught me these things. I like doing them. It sort of makes me feel like she's with me. 

You don't owe me an apology for being a jackass when you were sick and compromised. But I'm glad to take it. I'll just apply that apology to any one of the number of times you've been an ass without an excuse, since I'm pretty sure I've never gotten one of those before. 

I don't mind sleeping on the cot. It's better than most of the beds I had before and during the war, even if my feet don't fit on it. My feet haven't fit in most of the beds I've slept on post-serum. I've never had a queen-sized bed before, and it feels, well, too big, sometimes. I don't know how I feel about six weeks-- the two of us in close quarters for that long might eat each other alive. But I won't kick you out until you're well, at least. Just be aware that when you go, the Iron Man sheets are going with you. Those things are creepy.

You're off quarantine, by the way. Banner says the bacteria's out of your system. If you're feeling better tomorrow, I want to go to the Central Park Zoo. There's supposed to be this clock that plays music every half-hour. I remember the zoo from when I was a really little kid; my mother took me there a couple of times. I know it's going to be different now, but I'd kind of like to see how it's different. I think I'm mentally prepared for it. 

I knew you'd hate missing that UN session. I, for one, am glad we have Iron Man, but I know I have the same fears about anyone recreating the serum. I kind of need to talk to somebody about last week, too, and I think you'll understand better than anybody, knowing what you went through with your company's weapons contracts. I was surrounded by people who saw me as a weapon and a potential threat to their countries' safety. One of the delegates asked me how I could reconcile my title with what I want to stand for. I want to tell them that I want to be a model for what America (and other powerful nations) should be, not what it is, and it's a reminder to me to use my power to help people. But I don't know if that's the right answer. 

Look, Miss Potts loves you and she'll understand that you were practically brainwashed just as well as any of us did. You weren't responsible for anything you said. You should be cleared for Japan; you're absolutely not contagious. I've been hanging around Barton and Romanova and neither of them have even a sniffle. But yes, you need to go see her and talk to her. Things seemed pretty broken before you got sick. You can't just avoid whatever conversation it is that you need to have. Waiting too long will make it harder to patch things up, and I'd hate to see that happen to you two. I admit I'm clueless with romance, but I am pretty good with people in general, so if you need a sounding board, I'll do my best. I appreciate the-- well, I guess that was an invitation to Japan. I appreciate it. But it sounds like you have some things to take care of, and this won't be the only chance for me to see Asia.

Call me when you're up. I can come sit with you for a bit. I want to bring you some leftovers and see if we can get some solid food into you. We thought that chili peanut chicken you usually get might be too spicy, so we ordered you some pan fried noodles and dumplings. We did get the tea-smoked duck, too, if you're up for it.

Oh. And I'm glad you like writing. Thanks for clearing that up. I'm still saving this letter for the next time you're an ass so I can remind you of how damn wonderful I am.

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to go see the [Delacorte Clock](http://www.centralparknyc.org/visit/things-to-see/south-end/delacorte-musical-clock.html) at the [Central Park Zoo](http://www.centralparkzoo.com/)


	50. Your perfect body

Steve,

You mean you bought this crappy Ikea bed even though it was too short for you, just because it was cheap? Even for you that’s _ridiculous_. I’m buying you a new bed – normal stores have extra long bedding. Your perfect body may not be susceptible to aches and pains, but you’ll get a better night’s sleep in a decent bed. I will absolutely not take no for an answer on this - do you have any idea what people finding out you're sleeping on a shitty, too-short cot in my amazing tower of the future will do to my reputation? Seriously. If not for yourself, do it for me.

You’ll be happy to know I’ve arranged to move to one of the guest rooms on this level, finally, despite the woefully inadequate bed and bathroom facilities (I can't believe you expect me to bathe in a room without computer screens embedded into the shower walls. ugh.). I’m also making some changes to the penthouse design, so the remodeling timeframe may change. I’ll let you know when I get hard dates on it, but I offered a fairly generous incentive if it could be completed in under four weeks. I think it bought me 24-hour work crews, so that's cool.

I may be clear of quarantine, but my PA inquired with the Japanese authorities and they’re putting me off another two weeks at least. Pep’s team pointed out that there’s a peace conference going on around the time they've tentatively cleared me for a visit, so I could easily make an appearance and bolster SI’s anti-weaponry policies. Visiting Hiroshima as the child of someone involved in the Manhattan Project would be pretty weird... I've never been that far south in Japan and I'm not really sure I want to see the mark dear old dad helped leave on the world. But then, going would definitely make a statement. I don’t know.

Thanks for inviting me out of the house. ~~I'd really love to but~~ I'm not sure it's a good idea right now - it'd be nice to get out and stretch my legs but seeing as I fell asleep twice writing this letter I think it'll be a few more days before I'm back to my normal pace. (did I just make a mature decision regarding my health? holy shit, who AM I) Anyway, the zoo is full of screaming, whiny kids even on a weekday and each and every one of them will recognize us and I still have this nasty shiner where the big guy clocked me and I ~~am happy just sitting here with~~ just - I don't know, can I raincheck the zoo? Next week, maybe? 

Maybe instead we could, you know, visit the mansion. I’m sorry for reacting so shittily when you brought it up – I just can’t believe my old man wouldn’t tell me about something like that. Or rather, I can believe it, but I’d rather believe it was bullshit…. You mentioned da Vinci prototypes? That’s pretty incredible, and I can't stop thinking about it. Something like that should be in a museum, not a basement, and I can't stop thinking about it. It's giving me really weird dreams and as much as I hate ~~that place~~ to admit it, visiting the house help.

Anyway, I feel more awake now so you’re welcome to come up and sit. Bring whiskey, please.

T


	51. Face Down In My Bed

Tony,

Well, considering you're face down in my bed, I guess that guest room move isn't happening quite yet. This is why I told you I didn't think you were up to whiskey. 

I really appreciate the offer about the bed and everything, but I bought that bed myself with my own money from my SHIELD stipend. I've never owned my own furniture before, and I don't care if you think it's shitty (Although you seem to enjoy conking out in it just fine). You cover my housing and utilities and food and most of the other things I could need, and SHIELD covers most of the rest. Please just let me buy my own clothes and furniture and incidentals and leave me alone about them. I've missed out on a lot of the things most people my age get to do, so I kind of want to keep the firsts I can have. No one's going to find out what kind of bed I sleep in. You built the security system, remember?

Besides, I spent the past few years sleeping in ice. This is a big improvement. Before that, I was sleeping on military camp beds and, you know, the ground. The one benefit to the ground is that my feet don't stick off it, but it's really a tradeoff given the pebbles and tree roots.

(And I'd like to remind you that I can be at _least_ as stubborn as you can. Supersoldier serum increases your stubbornness capacity by 250%. It's a known fact.)

I guess I should also say that I didn't mean to unceremoniously kick you out. It's your tower; you can sleep where you want. I'm sure the beds in the guest rooms aren't shitty beds from Ikea, though. I _do_ hesitate to ask why you haven't been sleeping in a guest room all along, since I suspect the answer involves a deliberate effort to be the biggest nuisance possible. Is there a reason I didn't know we had guest rooms?

On a more sober note, I still don't know what to think about Hiroshima. It's one of the most surreal answers to any of the questions-- you know what it's like to wake up and find out the war you were fighting is over and done, and oh, it was ended with a bomb that murdered scores of civilians? A bomb dropped by your side? A side you were on because you really believed they stood for protecting innocent people? I try not to tell myself I could have prevented that if I'd been around, but still. I'm still struggling with the fact that if the super soldier experiment had worked, its purpose was to stop that very sort of thing from happening. Or having to happen.

I really don't like the idea that a small group of people could wield the power to wipe out so many other people with a single decision.

I think you should go. I think it speaks to what you are trying to do-- with your company, with your suits, with the Avengers. ~~And after New York, I think it might help you~~ And I think you have a unique perspective with which to see it. 

But I get the feeling you're going to use this delay to put off a trip to California. We all (Miss Potts included) know that if you wanted to go, you'd hop in the jet and go. I just felt like I should mention that. You might be able to get another week out of being sick, but that's it. 

In regard to the bunker, yes, you were shitty about it, but apology accepted. I just felt like...the thing with Howard kept coming up; it was going to keep coming up. I can't very well talk about Howard Stark that way in news interviews, and I felt like you should know what I'm not saying when people ask me about him. I'm sure you know what that feels like. I'm shocked you don't know about it. If you don't, I wonder if anyone else does. He's got Da Vinci's flying machine, Tony. He claimed it was a real working prototype built by the man himself. And there were all these other things, too, which I know were significant but I'm afraid I don't really know scientific history well enough to tell you how. He told me they would have been in museums, but he could outbid the museums and he didn't trust their security. I wasn't even sure it was all real. I didn't know him well at all-- this was before I actually went over to the front. Once I figured out that Howard Stark was more likely to actually be crazy than dishonest, I realized it all had to be genuine.

But sure. Let's go over to the house, whenever you're ready. I have to appear on that panel at New York Comic-Con tomorrow, but once that's over, I'm happy to leave anytime. It'll be interesting, at least.

I'm kind of nervous about the panel. Not sure this was a great idea. I need to take some time to rehearse answers.

Steve


	52. Do You Read Slashfic?

_Thursday afternoon at Comic-Con, lucky fans with special four-day passes got treated to a one-on-one panel featuring Steve Green, former _Captain America_ author, and Captain Steve Rogers, the Captain, himself, in conversation. And the panel was crashed by a very special guest! Here's a transcript for those of you who missed the fun! _

**SG:** Hi there, folks. Delighted you could make it. I know you're all waiting for our main attraction, so I'll make this introduction short. We're very lucky to have with us today one of the brave men and women who protected the people of New York last year during a...haha, our very own alien invasion. He's called by many names, including New York's most eligible bachelor, but we like to call him Captain America! Here to talk with us today about what it's like to share an identity with a beloved comic book hero is Captain Steven Rogers himself! Steve?

 **CA:** Um...Thanks for having me. I guess...I guess this is my first panel like this...

(I love you, Captain!)

 **CA:** Haha, thanks. Nice costume. 

**SG:** Steve, it's a pleasure to have you. 

(Cheers from the audience)

 **CA:** Thanks, Steve. I'm really excited to be here. 

**SG:** Do you want to start, I guess...you know, we all grew up...at least, I grew up reading Captain America comics. You want to tell us a little bit about what it's like...

 **CA:** What what's like?

 **SG:** Oh, well, I think we're all curious what its like to discover that you're a pop culture icon. Must be pretty crazy, right?

 **CA:** Oh. Yeah. Ha, it's been different. I mean, let's be honest, everything's been pretty different for me...there's been a lot to adjust to, and then being famous, on top of that…especially famous for things I didn't do. Am I talking too much? I know, I know this panel is supposed to be about me, but I'm normally not much of a talker. Ahem. 

(Audience laughter)

 **CA:** So, yeah, having people recognize me when I go out is pretty weird... And having people know all this stuff about me...some of it true and some of it untrue...well, just imagine if everyone you meet asks you what it's like working for the circus, because they've spent their entire lives being told you worked for the circus, when in fact, you've never even set foot in one. 

**SG:** And what was it like, working in the circus?

 **CA:** Ha. Well, you know. The elephants are real prima donnas. Ahem

(Laughter)

 **SG:** I guess by elephants, you mean Tony Stark?

(More laughter)

 **CA:** (Laughs) Well, Mister Stark and I are trying to resolve our differences. You know the man sleeps on a custom-made red and gold Iron Man themed bed?

(Laughter)

 **CA:** I'm not joking. I'm pretty sure it's stuffed with diamonds. 

(Laughter)

 **SG:** And where do you sleep, big guy?

 **CA:** Me? Oh, ha, everyone knows I don't need to sleep. 

(Laughter)

 **CA:** But, you know, we really, at the end of the day, our differences are pretty small in the face of what brings us together. 

**SG:** Well said, Steve. So how much of the America schtick is real, and how much of it is a schtick? 

**CA:** Oh. Ah. Well, you know. It's not a schtick. I really believe in the values that our country was founded on. Equal rights, liberty, the belief that people coming together are stronger than people alone. Courage, ingenuity, adventure. It doesn't mean I always agree with our government. But...you know. My parents were immigrants. They came here from Ireland to have a better life, like so many of your... Well, parents and grandparents and great-grandparents. And that meant something to them. And I'm grateful to this country for giving me a home, and a chance to help people, and maybe even make this a better world.

 **SG:** Sorry. You know. We have to ask one about politics, given the whole America thing. 

**CA:** No, no problem. It was pretty softball. I had to answer to a bunch of UN delegates last week. 

**SG:** We heard about that. You want me to ask about Syria?

 **CA:** Ha, I don't think the audience came here to hear me drone on about Syria. Anybody want to hear my views on Syria, you can write in to Fox News or MSNBC and ask them to put me on one of those shows where everyone shouts over each other. I mean, it's funny, I know this is a comics convention and I know I'm here to talk about the comics, I guess, but believe it or not, I haven't read many of the comics about Captain America. 

**SG:** You haven't? Aren't you curious?

 **CA:** Sure, curious, but I'm not vain. 

(Laughter)

 **CA:** Again, not the Tony Stark panel. 

**SG:** You're not a fan of Tony Stark, are you?

 **CA:** On the contrary, I have nothing but the highest regard for all of my teammates. Mr. Stark put his life on the line for this city, and I personally won't forget that. On the other hand, he can't make French toast. On the other other hand, he's incredibly generous with his time and money. On the other other other hand, he kind of makes himself an easy target. 

**SG:** And that can't be easy, living with Hawkeye. 

(Laughter)

 **CA:** Back to the comics. 

**SG:** Right, back to the comics. So, if you could say anything to the writers of Captain America...

 **CA:** Oh, I haven't read the comics, but I did my research. I know you are one of those writers. So...

 **SG:** So?

 **CA:** Well, from what I understand, you have me an incredibly attractive girlfriend. Way out of my league. So I should be saying thank you. 

**SG:** You're welcome.

 **CA:** But then you wrote her out! What's the story with that? It's pretty depressing that even my idealized fictional self is hopelessly single.

(I'll give you my number, Steve!)

 **CA:** Sorry, but I make a rule of not dating people who dress like my coworkers' villainous adopted brothers. I mean, I hadn't thought about it till this minute, but Sexy Loki is apparently not my type. Thanks, though. Why don't you...just talk to, no, not the Thor in the front row, that's a little creepy...here, oh, Iron Man in the back is raising his hand. Good? Good, you exchange numbers after the panel. Where were we? The comics?

 **SG:** Yeah, so, I noticed you don't call them comics about you?

 **CA:** Because they're not. They're comics about a fictional guy who happens to have my name and a suit a lot like mine. And he's, well, he's a little bit like me, but he's kind of like an exaggerated version of me. He's not….let's put it this way, he's like my better-looking, more popular older brother who always does everything right. 

**SG:** And you don't?

 **CA:** (laughs) Like I said, I'm not a comic book character. My life is more…well, it's surreal, but it's still real life. I know the comics have, well, some really bad things happen in them. But it's like they focus on the really high points and really low points. There's always a villain, or a battle. And the good guys always win, in the end. Most of the battles I'm embroiled in right now are over who ate whose leftover takeout. And sometime things turn out for the best, but they don't, always. I feel like, when you're writing a story, it needs to be wrapped up nearly, have a beginning, middle, end, have a character learn a lesson. Real people, we don't always learn. We don't always have nice, neat endings. I'm not really a superhero in the grandest sense. I'm mostly an ordinary guy with a funny suit. 

(A sexy suit!)

 **CA:** I don't know, I'm always worried it's a little…what would you call it? Nerdy? I felt like I needed to leave it at home. But then I'm here around nerds, right?

(cheers)

 **CA:** I don't know. I feel a little bit like I'm disappointing you all. I do know something about comics? I used to read The Midnight Racer. But I guess that's probably a little old-fashioned

 **SG:** Actually, there was a Midnight Racer movie a few years ago.

 **CA:** There was?

 **SG:** Sure, with Seth Rogen? There was actually a panel about it here.

 **CA:** All right, I'm going to have to have a talk with my teammates about this. No one told me. Someone's in trouble for that oversight. Anyway, yeah, I read Midnight Racer when I was a kid. Such a great dynamic. You have this one guy who just really wants to do good, but doesn't always know how, and then the Chauffeur is such a brilliant super-genius, with all his cars and weapons he builds...they balance each other really well, you know? And I guess I….I don't know what it would be like for me if they just showed up in my living room? Or at a comic convention. I guess that's what this is like for you all. I'm impressed you're all so...lucid. I'd probably be drooling on my shoes right now. 

**SG:** Well, it's not just you, is it? We have aliens, a guy in robot armor. 

**CA:** Two guys in robot armor, now. Don't forget Colonel Rhodes.

 **SG:** Right. And a Hulk. 

**CA:** And I guess so. I guess…maybe our world is getting to be a lot more like a comic book, isn't it? That's the only model a lot of us have for these things. Believe me, I've had my fair share of, well, rude awakenings in the past few years. The impossible's suddenly possible, I guess. And maybe I should be reading more comics. A few of the people I've met whom I admire most, well, they do. Or did. So there's something to be said for that. (laughs) You know, I'm probably not saying anything that's interesting to any of you kind people…should I just start answering questions? 

**SG:** Questions? Sure. Sure, it can be time for questions. All right, folks, you know the drill, the microphones…step up, wait on line, we'll get to as many of you as possible. 

**Q:** Hi, Steve. 

**CA:** Hi. 

**Q:** So, I was wondering, what's it like to live with the rest of the Avengers?

 **CA:** Oh. Is that…sure. They're good people, really. Thor's a little…well. Thor. 

(laughs) 

**CA:** He's really like that. That's not an act. He won't mind me saying that, because it's not an act. He's sort of enamored with Seamless.

(laughter)

 **CA:** Right, the things that entertain gods, huh? Hawkeye and Black Widow are pretty much as inseparable as anyone makes them out to be. And they've done a very good job of teaching me how to dress myself and making sure I'm not hopelessly behind on pop culture, so I'm grateful to them, even if I've failed a little bit. Bruce Banner's one of the most brilliant people I've ever had the privilege to work with…and he's nothing like his counterpart, really. No, really. He's the calmest, most controlled person I know. And I've already talked about Tony Stark. Ha. Not that there's that much to say that hasn't been covered in the tabloids.

 **Q:** Is it true that Tony Stark cheated on Pepper Potts?

 **CA:** What? 

**Q:** It was in US Weekly. 

**CA:** Oh. Well, normally, I would say personal questions about other people are none of my business, but in this case, I know it's absolutely untrue. He adores her. Cheated playing cards with her? That, I wouldn't put past him. Next question?

 **Q:** So what was it like being assassinated that one time?

 **CA:** I…errr…I've never been assassinated. 

**Q:** Yes, you were, in Volume Five, number Twenty-Five?

 **CA:** I'm afraid that didn't really happen, sorry. I…I really hope that doesn't ever happen. No one out there planning to assassinate me?

(Nervous laughter)

 **CA:** Hey, okay. Nice costume, again. Are you…supposed to be me?

 **Q:** Yeah. I made it myself. I was going to ask you, how do you deal with giving orders to the Hulk, and the second part of my questions is, which one of you would win in a fight, like, for real? Because I feel like Hulk obviously has the brute force advantage, but his intellect is, like really low, so you'd be able to outsmart him, right?

 **CA:** Sure. Ah, well. Dr. Banner is usually a pretty calm sort of guy. So I usually give him orders. If it's the Hulk, well. I find monosyllables work all right. Does that answer your question?

 **Q:** And the part about the fighting?

 **CA:** I…try not to get into fights with Dr. Banner when he's in that state. So I couldn't say. Next?

 **Q:** Hi. What's the Black Widow's measurements?

 **CA:** Excuse me?

 **Q:** Her measurements?

 **CA:** Her measurements…of what?

 **Q:** Like, okay, what's her bra size? Have you ever seen her naked?

 **CA:** I…have no idea. And if I've ever seen her naked, she was so stealthy about it that I didn't notice. I can tell you what Hawkeye's bra size is, though, if you really want to know.

(laughter)

 **CA:** Look, archers need a lot of support. Next question?

 **Q:** How about Hawkeye? Is there any truth to the speculation that he was romantically involved with a SHIELD agent? 

**CA:** Ahh…if he is or was, I didn't hear about it. He's a pretty private person, I guess. 

**Q:** Did you and Bucky Barnes ever, you know?

 **CA:** Know what?

 **Q:** Well, I need to know for my fanfiction if you and Bucky were in love? Or just friends with benefits, that would be okay, too. 

**CA:** Ah…no. Okay, do we have any questions that don't involve--

 **Q:** How about Howard Stark?

 **CA:** Pardon?

 **Q:** Did you ever sleep with Howard Sta--

 **CA:** God, no! I was about to say, questions that aren't about anyone's--

 **Q:** If you had to pick one of your Avengers teammates, which one of them would you want to--

 **CA:** Can you rephrase that in a way that makes it not about anyone's sex life?

 **Q:** Do you read slashfic?

 **CA:** Do I read what?

 **TS:** Hey guys, I heard this was the Tony Stark panel? No? Oops.

(screams and cheers. Tony Stark enters from back of room.)

 **CA:** Apparently every panel is the Tony Stark panel. 

**TS:** Hey Cap, slashfic is stories about how we make out all the time. You know. Like we do.

(cheers)

 **CA:** Ahem. You're not allowed in my room when I'm sleeping anymore, Stark.

 **TS:** (raises both hands to silence the crowd) Are you guys being nice to our dear captain?

(screams and cheers)

 **TS:** I thought so. So, have they asked how big your dick is yet? 

(more screams and cheers)

 **CA:** Wha...?

 **TS:** Wouldn’t they like to know. 

**CA:** Well, it's by no means the biggest dick in the house. 

**TS:** (laughs) Hey, other-Steve, you look good! Gimme a hug, you fucking dog - you owe me a move on Words with Friends. I warn you – my last play was fucking awesome so don’t get cocky. Seriously.

 **Q:** Tony, is it true you're single?!

 **TS:** Who said – oh, hey, Sexy Loki. For _you_ I could be. 

**Q:** What happened to your eye? 

**TS:** You know those previously mentioned house guests? Turns out the Hulk gets grumpy when you eat his leftover Chinese. 

**CA:** And you keep blaming it on Hawkeye.

 **SG:** Ladies and gentlemen – ladies and - _ladies and gentlemen,_ please refrain from climbing onto the stage – can we get a little bonus security in here, please? 

**CA:** I'm a little hurt no one wanted to climb on the stage just for me, actually.

 **TS:** Stevie, whenever you’re done here Cap and I have a hot date at a local pizza joint. So let’s keep this panel rocking along, yeah?

 **CA:** We do? Oh...They were up to all the questions about my love life. Did you want to answer those for me?

 **Q:** Can I get a photo?

 **TS:** Of course. C'mere, Steve, let's give 'em what they want - don't worry, you know we look good.

(And as for giving the audience what they wanted-- Tony Stark put his arms around Captain America and gave him a good, old-fashioned kiss on the cheek, much to the delight of the fans, who swarmed the duo with cameras. Cap and Iron Man generously gave several fans a once-in-a-lifetime photo opportunity on their way to the door, where Tony Stark blew kisses at the audience, and heartily encouraged Steve Rogers to do the same.)

_Not bad for Cap's first Comic-Con event, but we're disappointed we didn't get juicier answers about the crazy Avengers co-habitation situation. Next time, maybe?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, yeah! Hey, guys! I (Tea/Steve/Natasha) will be at New York Comic-Con this weekend! Today (Thurs), Saturday, and Sunday. Let me know if anyone wants to meet up!


	53. That Kiss Was a Little Chaste

Tony, that was possibly the most entertaining and most embarrassing experience of my life all in one go. 

I'm not sure if I should be thanking you for rescuing me from the questions about seeing Natasha naked or smacking you in the face for hijacking my panel and...you do realize there are going to be pictures of you kissing me everywhere tomorrow, right? And that Captain America has a certain reputation to uphold that...well, Tony Stark doesn't? I mean, the way you worked that audience was incredible; you were like some kind of mythic golden idol. The crowd obviously adores you. It was just...I don't think I've seen you that much...in your element before, and it was extremely impressive. I mean, I've seen you on television, I suppose, but that was something else. Watching you on Jimmy Fallon or The Daily Show is completely different. But I would have had a lot easier time with those questions if I hadn't had to think about what Captain America would say. Half the problem with those questions was that I probably would have been, well, more sarcastic. Or more ornery. I'm not sure which. I don't know why people feel like they're entitled to ask those sorts of things, and I kind of thought...well. I thought it would mostly be about comics.

Oh well. It was hilarious. But you get to answer the inevitable questions from SHIELD. Those are all yours. 

I looked up slashfic. Then I promptly shut the window on my computer. What...I don't understand. Do you know there are stories on the internet about us being turned to fish?

Right, I'm ready whenever you want to leave for Old Westbury.

Steve

P.S. That kiss was a little chaste, coming from you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AnonEhouse wrote us this [fanfic of the fanfic that Steve is reading.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/999682/chapters/1979345)


	54. Indulgence

Cap - 

Oh man, Comicon was a blast. Tell them to invite you back next year - that was just what I needed. Who doesn't love a little time indulging the adoring masses? 

There were some pretty inspired costumes in there, though.... amateur design at its finest. I may have to be Sexy Loki for Halloween.

Seriously, I didn't do anything - I mean, I may have _suggested_ that my old friend Steve Green be your moderator, but it's only because I knew he would treat you right and get you out of any tight spots..... and honestly, I wouldn't have interrupted at all except that a little bird told me you were starting to go beet red as the questions got raunchier. (Steve, really, it's _Comicon_ , of course people are going to be ridiculous. You have to be ridiculous back, throw them a few bones; make 'em love you and leave 'em wanting more.)

I'll text you when I'm ready to head out. Might as well get this shit over with.

T

PS Are you challenging my kissing prowess? I think I've read that fanfic.


	55. I'm drunk and this is ridiculous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** this chapter refers semi-graphically to a historical case of animal cruelty/animal testing involving dogs. Feel free to skip to the short summary in the end notes and continue reading.

Cap –

Man, I'm glad we decided to do this - the shit down here is unreal. The DaVinci model – oh god, the wings alone are gorgeous, the twine twisted and shaped at the joints, I just – I just want to be _near_ it, to touch what those hands touched – how on earth did dad ever find this. How the hell. Was Howard Stark secretly Indiana Jones or something? I'm a little worried there's a lost ark down here somewhere.

I also found his whiskey collection – some of this is so gorgeous it’s like drinking liquid smoke. 

Steve, when I was a kid I wanted a dog. I guess every kid wants one, but I _really really really_ wanted a dog. I was an only child, smart enough to spend three days in third grade before being bumped to fifth – and skipping grades constantly meant I didn’t have any friends, ever, because I was the least mature person in my class trying to befriend kids miles ahead of me in social situations… and while intellectually I knew that getting a dog was always going to be an unlikely thing considering I spent most of my time at a boarding school, I still wanted one. 

Every single summer I came home to this huge empty house while my dad was working and my mother was socialiting and Jarvis, our family butler, was left to cut my sandwiches into triangles and bust me for reading under the covers. Dogs were man’s best friend, you know? Dogs love you no matter what, would protect you and play with you and be happy just to be near you. No one was ever happy to be near me – I wanted a fucking dog to sleep on my feet and drool on my face and play fetch outside when my parents were away and I was bored out of my mind.

Of course Howard Fucking Stark said no. No, absolutely not, he hated dogs, he was allergic to dogs, no.

So when I got into that stupid fucking secret bunker and I saw those photos of him with a dog, I just – I just couldn’t…. And I didn’t really mean to drink half a bottle of forty two year old whiskey, but one thing led to another and that stupid fucking photo of dad and not just any dog, with _Laika_ I just. I just. ~~I can’t -~~

Maybe Laika needs an explanation.

While you were in the ice, the fucking Russians decided to sacrifice a dog on the alter of science, and her name was Laika. It’s a horrible story, a prime example of people letting the drive to learn and understand incinerate their humanity – a lesson we apparently need to learn over and over and over. During the space race, before we’d successfully orbited the planet, a Russian scientific team picked a mutt off the streets and gave her a new shot at life. They tamed her, trained her up, covered her in sensors, kissed her nose and then locked her in a box and shot her into the atmosphere where she overheated, died, and was incinerated five months later when her high-tech coffin disintegrated upon re-entry.

Or so we thought. 

Turns out my old man must have put ye olde Stark family brains to the task, designed a recapture and return rocket capsule, sent it after the dog and brought Laika home. God only knows how much time that dog spent in this freaky secret bunker… I’m fairly sure mom never knew she was there, she wasn't an animal fan herself. It was the Cold War, so stealing a Russian space dog could easily kick off a war – and her appearance was well documented, so I’m sure dad would never have let her out. It'd be too coincidental for him to show up in the papers with a Laika look-alike. 

I guess he thought it would be senseless to sacrifice an animal for the sake of data collection; or maybe he just didn't want to lose another prized experiment. 

All these fucking photos of dad and Laika, smiling and having his face licked and - god, there’s only a handful of photos here but I can see more affection in his face than I’ve EVER seen before. 

Maybe he loved Laika because she was like you – another science project, another item to be analyzed and examined… but maybe it was just because she was fucking adorable with those quirked ears and everything. Maybe he just wanted to analyze the Russian’s data firsthand and examine what weightlessness could do to an animal? I hate to say it, but it kind of makes me think maybe my old man wasn’t so awful, or maybe you’re right and there was some part of him that was actually a decent guy, I just never had the chance to see it myself, I don’t know. Laika’s story was horrible, but my fucking dad (OF ALL PEOPLE) gave it a happy ending, never told a soul, and refused to ever own another animal.

Steve – I know I’m drunk and this is ridiculous, I know, whatever. It’s just that… how did a dog earn that kind of compassion when I got alcoholism and dickishness?

This place is fucking incredible and it makes me feel tiny. 

 

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony finds photographic evidence in the bunker that Howard Stark secretly rescued Laika, a famous dog thought to have been killed in Russia's animal tests during the Space Race in the late 1950's. Howard brought the mutt to the bunker and let her live our her life in safety without ever telling a soul; Tony is upset that he never knew that caring side of his father.


	56. Vacation

Tony--

I was in some kind of half-trance when the tablet buzzed; it startled me awake again. I wasn't expecting-- I assumed I wouldn't hear from you till it was six and we were ready to leave. You could have come upstairs, you know.

I guess maybe not. Anyway, it was as good a time as ever to take a break. Staring at photos of my own funeral-- Howard has binders and binders of this stuff. Obituaries, letters, condolence cards. Photos of everybody I ever knew (minus Bucky, of course) standing around in black. Rows and rows of teary-eyed young women I've never seen holding vigil with candles. At least I guess they did a Catholic service-- I've got a prayer card of St. Stephen with my name on the back of it. It says,

_O qui tuo dux Martyrum._

_O Captain of the Martyr host!_  
 _O peerless in renown!_  
 _Not from the fading flowers of earth_  
 _Weave we for thee a crown._  
  
 _The stones that smote thee,_  
 _in thy blood Made beauteous and divine,_  
 _All in a halo heavenly bright_  
 _About thy temples shine._

St. Stephen was the first of the seven Deacons of the original Catholic church.  He was also the first martyr.  He was stoned to death, and spent his execution praying for forgiveness for his executioners.  I'm going to stick that in my jacket pocket.

There's a letter from President Roosevelt. From Winston Churchill. There's even a letter from Hirohito, in _wartime_ , saying what a respected opponent I was and how bravely I died. There's a letter from Alfred Hitchcock, one from Walt Disney, Orson Welles, Carole Lombard, Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant.

The best one is one from Jimmy Stewart. He said that I reminded him of all the values he'd tried to portray in _Mr. Smith Goes To Washington_. Have you ever seen that movie? It's about this young man who runs for Congress, gets there, and realizes how messed up everything is. And then goes on a one-man crusade to fix it. The whole time, people are trying to crush his ideals and his hopes and his rosy outlook, and somehow, just when everything seems most desperate and he's about to give up, he comes up on top in the end.  I kind of like the idea that someone else thought that part of who I was was important enough to mention.

It makes me wonder if I would have gotten to meet these people if I'd come home.

I don't know why these all went to Howard. I guess with me not having a family, people didn't know who else to send them to. And then, you can tell that time passes. There are still pictures of memorials, a statue being unveiled, awards, speeches, but people don't look so unhappy. Six months, a year later, and they're smiling again.  ~~There's a picture here of Howard and Peggy that~~

Anyway, I came downstairs and I saw you'd locked the vault from the inside. I left you a bottle of water-- I'm glad we brought those. The water's kind of brown, and the gas is off, and I'm not sure where the valves are in this big place.

So I took one of your dad's bikes, siphoned some gas out of the car and got it running--I hope you don't mind-- and went into town. Found a deli, bought a couple sandwiches, a box of cereal, a box of those Italian cookies you like, and a gallon of milk. I would have gotten more, but I'm low on cash and I still can't get approved for a credit card. It was only about forty minutes round trip, and I did put gas in the bike (and signed the station attendant's Captain America shirt), so I'll go out again later, but I was thinking we could have a picnic out on that massive overgrown lawn and just...

Well, we both need a vacation. Maybe getting stuck in the past trying to find our own answers isn't a vacation, exactly, but I called in to the team and when I asked if they could manage without us for a few days, Barton asked if I could just leave you somewhere for good, so I think that's a yes. I left a message for Miss Potts, too-- we're clear until Friday, we can stay as long as you want. It doesn't sound like you're in shape to drive back tonight, anyway.

I don't really know what to say about the dog. Maybe he just needed a dog. Maybe he needed to beat the Russians. Maybe he wanted a secret. Maybe he just wanted to see if he could do it. Trying to explain your father seems like an exercise in futility. You will always, always find one more piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit. But if there are photos of them together, someone else did know about the dog. Maybe you could find out.

I don't want to think too much about people turning things they find on the street into heroes and then discarding them right now.

I'm going to take a walk around the grounds. I found that crazy old Roman-bath-looking pond with the stone gazebo, and I think I'm going to go over there and stick my feet in the slimy water or something.

Let me know when you're ready for dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Full text of O Qui Tuo Dux Martyrum](http://www.hymnsandcarolsofchristmas.com/Hymns_and_Carols/o_captain_of_the_martyr_host.htm), a hymn to St. Stephen.


	57. Closed Systems

Steve – 

Sorry I wasn’t better company this afternoon; the picnic was a surprisingly good idea. I was a little shocked you found those quilts in my mom’s old chest – I haven’t seen those blankets since I was a kid. ~~It was really nice~~ Is it crazy to say that they still smelled a little bit like her? Is that possible? I can’t tell you the last time something reminded me of my mom.

I also really can't remember the last time I sat in the grass like that, let alone drinking champagne and eating cookies. I don’t think I’ve ever actually been on a real picnic before – there were a few years there where I didn’t willingly go out of doors unless it was to the beach and I was guaranteed the company of at least three models. There were even ants – I’m a little grossed out that I let you put baking soda on my toes, but it did take the edge off. Maybe I should have someone come out here and really take a weed whacker to the place - it's surprisingly tame for an overgrown jungle, but I bet the neighbors would appreciate my giving the yard a little TLC.

It was kind of nice to sit in the quiet and just sort of… I don’t know. Maybe people are right when they say you should slow down every once in a while.

Though I still think your idea of a vacation is a little strange.

~~steve I don’t know how to~~

That prayer card is really something else. It’s kind of incredible – it sounds like it really was written just for you. When I got home after Afghanistan I felt like I’d been brought back to life, but when I looked around me the only the legacy I was recognized for was nothing but murder, death, and big big bucks. There were literally op eds about the fucking silver lining that came with my murder - shit, but those were hard to read even with an ego like mine. 

At least you paved the way for good things.

Did I ever tell you we learned about you when I was in school? I mean, as a kid I read the comics and watched the terrible TV specials and everything, so it wasn’t like I learned anything new… but my high school history teacher actually did lesson on you and showed footage of your old promo videos, film reels of the Howling Commandos in action and everything. There was this one shot of you and some of the guys playing cards and I remember thinking how nice it would be to have such a tight-knit group of friends. I asked my dad about it when I saw him over spring break and he wouldn’t say a word on the matter - I know he spoke at the funeral. I just don't understand how he went from your acquaintance to promoting himself as your die-hard bestie? I mean everyone knew he was no Bucky, but he sure made it sound like you two were members of the mutual admiration society. Maybe he just felt guilty for setting you up to get killed, or for not coming up with a way to ... I don't know what I'm talking about, sorry. This got really tangential really fast.

~~You know, I wonder if the whole lost dog thing~~

It’s weird not having JARVIS here. Or Jarvis, really, I miss both of them. It sucks to write this entire thing out by hand.

After we ate dinner I went back to the bunker – there’s so many incredible things here. I'm trying to sort them out into piles... the categories so far are outdated/useless, outdated/interesting, unidentified, historical, weapons, and alien. There's seriously an oblong object here that really does look alien... and while yes, I have a pet alien demigod sleeping in my tower, this is STILL fascinating. Back behind these two half disassembled engines I found three ancient looking urns sealed in plastic and labeled GREEK FIRE… you know I can’t fucking stand the idea of letting them sit there unopened. I know dad was involved in the development of Napalm by one of Harvard’s staff – I can’t help but wonder if maybe he cracked one of these open and ran chemical testing. Is it unethical to ruin an archeological treasure in the name of progress? Do we really need a new, improved version of napalm?

Also – this is going to sound insane but – I found something here that I think might be a partial Tesla creation. For years there have been rumors that he came up with a “teleforce” or charged beam particle weapon based off on Van de Graff generators. It was supposed to be an incredible anti-aircraft weapon that would amplify and apply intense force – actually, it was kind of what I had in mind when I put together the armor’s repulsors…. But, uh, it was nicknamed his Death Ray and I think I may have it in this fucking bunker. The FBI confiscated Tesla's belongings upon his death, but this really... I mean there are very limited notes with it, but if you squint you can kind of see how it's supposed to go.

Somehow I’m unsurprised that I was raised on top of a deadly fucking weapon lost to the annals of history. With this kind of shit sitting in the house, how could I have grown up into anything but what I am? We like to think we’re capable of making our own decisions and charting our own destinies – what a crock of shit that is. We're all just closed systems, our parts arranged in a certain order, the outcome unmistakeable.

 

T


	58. It Might Be Nice To See Some Friendly Faces

Tony,

Not to encourage repeat performances of that level of intoxication, but Tony Stark drunk is more entertaining company than most people sober. And I don't just mean because you fell in the pond twice, although that helped. The fact that you just decided to stay in the pond and fix that drainage pump, and watching the water move progressively from green to clear, with your trousers rolled to your knees, pond scum in your hair, and...what did you call that thing you used? A leatherman? I want one of those...anyway, it was a good picture. So good I drew you while you were mucking around in the pond.

The tablet is still tricky. It doesn't always put the lines down where I expect it to. But I'm getting better at it, I think.

I don't know about you, but I could stay here for a while. This is more my speed than what's become of Midtown Manhattan. Biking to the store, trees, grass, sandwiches that cost less that ten dollars. Not feeling like I have to put on battle armor just to walk outside. I don't mean actual battle armor--that celebrity thing, again. It doesn't make a difference out here. Sure, the folks who live in New York mostly just smile and nod or wink, but tourists seem to think I'm just another landmark to gawk at and take photos of. I didn't even mind signing that guy's tee shirt at the gas station. He made small talk and didn't act like I was anybody special, and then as I was counting my change, he said, hey, you know, I served in Iraq, do you mind? And we talked a little bit about him giving stuffed toys to little kids in Baghdad and how tough it was over there, and then coming home and how it's been hard to find work. It was nice, having a real conversation with someone who just treated me like a normal guy who had something in common with him. You lot don't even treat me like a normal guy sometimes. You're getting better about it, but still.

You know, I've never been on an actual vacation? Maybe we should go on a vacation and do nothing but have picnics. I wonder if we could organize a team vacation and do things that each of us haven't done before. This is about as close to vacation as I've ever had, save for a few extra days here and there in motels when I was on the road selling war bonds. 

I know I'm going to sound like an overgrown kid, but I'd kind of like to go to Disney World someday. Disney World, and Hawaii. And Ireland. You know, see the ancestral homeland and such. 

Is that weird? I mean, I know I complain a lot about how weird it is for me to feel like everyone thinks they know me or know about me, but is it weird to work with someone you grew up learning about in history books? I'm trying to-- I can only be what I am, you know? And I guess I get what you were telling me before, about how the person people expect you to be isn't the same as who you are, but is that kind of celebrity the same kind as what Captain America, the symbol, is? I don't mean to put myself on the same level as the true great men of history, but I wonder what would happen if, you know, if Teddy Roosevelt of Abraham Lincoln or George Washington suddenly turned out to be alive today. 

I can't really tell you what your father was thinking. I think I knew him fairly well. I think mutual admiration would be an appropriate description. For all his faults, I did admire him. I could appreciate his work, even if I didn't always understand it. We worked closely together; we went through a lot of stressful times together, but close friends? Howard wasn't close with anybody, really, not that I ever saw. He was one of those people who had a lot of friendly acquaintances but no one he really seemed to love. He loved his science, the way a great artist loves his art. I guess, as to why he would have taken that role, he did like attention-- he lit up on stage, not quite the way you do, but with a charm and ease that I never quite mastered, even when I was selling bonds and doing two shows a day. And, maybe to give your father a little bit of credit, there really wasn't anyone else to do the job of burying the dead. There was Peggy, but she wouldn't have wanted to be the one in the spotlight, answering questions, giving eulogies. It also would have emphasized our relationship in a way that would have been dishonest and unfair to her-- although it seems like people did that anyway. We never really talked about-- there wasn't time, you know.

I'd like to hear about your mother sometime, if you'd want to tell me about her. I never met her, obviously; I know from your file that she was so much younger than your father, and he had to have been, what, fifty or so when you were born? But there's a lot more in your file about him than about her, and you talk about him so much, and it seems like she only comes up in passing, in stories about your father.

If there are three jars of the Greek Fire, why not open one and keep the other two sealed? 

Look, if anyone I know has changed his destiny, it would be you. You turned yourself into a hero, not just in the sense of being a man in a suit who can save the world, but you changed the entire direction of your business from a business that detroyed things to a business that creates and sustains. And I know I underestimated you in that regard, but I don't, anymore. I think a lot of people do, though. You're better than the sum of your parts.

When you're done sorting through things in the bunker, do you want to watch some of these old movies with me? I found a projector. It might be nice to see some friendly faces. 

Steve


	59. Terrifyingly Manly

Cap - 

_Whatever._ I got the pump working, what else do you want? The water pressure was fine, it was just the pressure valves and clogged intake on the fountainhead. I’ll order in some more filters, though the unit should probably be replaced eventually. And anyway, the scum was just leaves blocking the overflow chute so that wasn’t hard to fix – I probably should have an actual gardener come out and do something about the surplus of cattails on the western edge.

I’d try to fix the interior water but I imagine a few of the pipes are rusty. If you run enough water it’ll probably start running clear but I’d run a few tests on it before you actually drink it. If it runs clear it'll be fine for showering and shaving at least. You'd look terrifyingly manly with a beard, I'm not sure I could handle it.

(well, you don’t have to, but I should probably test it before **I** start drinking it. Especially given how ripped up my gut is at the moment. In fact, I’d better disinfect with another round of booze – you want an impromptu lesson on flavors of scotch versus bourbon?)

The gas is back on, by the way – I built a sensor last night and tested all the appliances I could find for leakage/emissions. If you start hearing a beep-beep-beeping when the stove is on let me know and I’ll shut off the gas again, but it’s probably fine. 

I’ll take you to Disney World/Hawaii/wherever you like, Steve, really. We can rent the whole damn park. Have you not noticed how much I enjoy spending my money? I’ll take the team – you know I have a jet, right? A jet with _stripper poles_ , therefore categorically speaking, the BEST JET EVER. 

Seriously though, I’m gonna spend my cash somewhere, so we might as well spend it renting/buying small islands in the pacific.

(I’ve always wanted to own an island – we’ll call it Starktopia and when I get tired of the good guy schtick and turn evil I can build a volcanic lair there and plot evil deeds from the safety of a glorious tropical haven.) 

I guess I can kind of see the appeal in this kind of speed, but I’m not sure how long I can stand it either; there’s a lot going on in my head most of the time. ~~I can’t sleep~~ I can’t stand some of the rooms – little things laying around bring back memories that I’m just as happy without. I should have hired someone to clean out this shit years ago, maybe then it would feel like a building instead of a mausoleum. I'm glad I didn't sell off the Captain America memorabilia at least. (Honestly? I used to call it dad's Cap Crap. I'm not sorry.)

Maybe I’ll wire the house for JARVIS... I don't know though. AI JARVIS running the household his living counterpart used to? His personality is only very loosely based on his namesake, and it might be weird to cross the streams like that. Still, I keep asking him (the AI, obviously) for things and then remembering that this house is offline. That's a little depressing in its own right - butler-JARVIS used to just sort of appear at your elbow when you needed things. He just had this preternatural ability to guess... or maybe just knew _you_ well enough to guess what you would ask for next. 

You know, there are plenty of people out there who understand at least to some degree what you went through – maybe you should get involved in a veteran's group. I mean you basically just returned from a war, Steve, and maybe people didn’t talk about this in the forties, but… well, this year alone the stats suggest more soldiers have killed themselves than were actually killed in action. I don’t mean to suggest that you’re … I don’t know, unstable or anything, but it’s pretty normal to feel out of place when you’re trying to reintegrate into civilian society, let alone a civilian society that’s seventy years different from the one you left. Some veterans groups to really small things like… I don’t know, go camping and fishing and shit. Are you one of those outdoorsy guys? I never figured you were, considering you grew up in Brooklyn, but those things seem kind of slow and relaxing.

(not that I would know – I’ve never fished a day in my life.)

anyway, don’t forget you’re currently ensconced in a luxury mansion with one of America’s top job-creators, and I don't furlough people for no reason. If you go out again tell your gas station buddy SI has a place for him. We’ll figure something out.

movies this afternoon? I'll bring the booze.

 

T


	60. Good Morning, Sunshine!

Good morning, Sunshine!

You fell asleep in the middle of the second reel of movies. I tried to wake you when I accidentally put on a reel of your old home movies. YOU WERE TINY. And I had no idea you weren't born with the beard. But there you were, no facial hair and actually cute. For a minute I thought your parents used their vast wealth to rent a more adorable child to make home movies, but then there is one of you taking apart the television set and putting it back together, and I don't think that's something normal children do. 

There was also one where you were dressed up as me. You drew an A on your head in marker and had a pot-lid shield, and you were looking for the Jerries in the kitchen cabinets. 

Thanks for the liquor lesson. I guess I can see the merits in Scotch, but I think the rye was probably tastiest. I liked the spice, and it's not so much like, well, drinking dirt. I understand that that's supposed to be part of the charm, but I'm not sure it's for me.

Anyway, I thought about moving you, but I didn't want to wake you up, and I wasn't sure where you'd want to sleep, so I just threw a blanket over you and left you on the couch. 

I hope you don't mind; I took forty dollars from your wallet and went into town to get groceries. There's a six pack of local beer and I got some sausage and rolls and salad greens, and I found the old firepit off the back patio and some charcoal. Let me know when you're ready for dinner. Otherwise, I'll wake you up at nine or so. I figured if you fell asleep that hard, you must need it. 

I look terrible with a beard, I promise. My whiskers don't come in quickly, and when they do, they're bright red and incredibly silly. I'm getting respectable stubble at this point-- you know, it takes me two days to get a five o'clock shadow, but this is about as far as I'm willing to let it go. You'd think being the ideal specimen of a human being would have done something to my ability to grow facial hair, but alas. 

I think the guy at the gas station said he went to technical school for electric work, so maybe you should see if he's better than those folks who messed up our fire alarms. It's really-- I don't feel like I can say those kinds of things on your behalf.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but please stop offering me things I can't pay you back for, Tony. I am so grateful to you for taking me under your wing, but I already feel like I owe you so much. I don't want things to be too unbalanced, I guess, is what I mean. There isn't really any way I can return favors like vacations. And I don't want to accept things not knowing if I'm imposing on your generosity. 

But I would like to go on a vacation. I don't know. 

Although maybe there's a workable solution. You know what we should do? Let's start making a list of things one of us missed out on, for whatever reason. I'll take you fishing and on a real picnic (that was barely a real picnic). And hiking (yes, I grew up in Brooklyn, but I do like the outdoors). And you can show me Star Wars and I'll consider the vacation thing. 

Fury suggested something like a veteran's group to me once, right after I came out of the ice, but the trouble with things like that is that I have to think about Captain America. I don't want to be the center of attention somewhere where other people are going to get help. And I don't know how it will make them feel. People ask me for advice or tell me about their problems. As much as I wish people would treat me like a normal guy, some of them need me to be a symbol for more than that. It's the same thing with-- Natasha's (she keeps telling me to call her Natasha; I am am trying to get in the habit) been trying to encourage me to go on dates, and it's just...I don't mind if I'm a letdown. I know I'm probably a letdown. But Captain America can't be a letdown. 

Huh. Are you really thinking about working on the house? I'd help out with that. I don't know anything about houses or gardening, really, but learning to use a lawnmower might be fun. And roofing. And I know how to paint; detail work on crown molding is nothing after art school. I could do work on the house to pay you back for vacation, maybe.

All right. I'm just rambling now. I found some more photo albums, and some magazine articles. Does being named TIME's "Person of the Year" posthumously land me anywhere close to Sexiest Man Alive? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Did you not want competition?

Steve


	61. Proof positive

Cap -

Sorry I passed out on you – I hope I didn’t drool on your sleeve or anything. I must have been more tired than I thought.

Those videos were wild – I can’t get over how young my dad looks in most of them. Most of the video footage I’ve seen of his younger years was interview and newsreel footage… it’s interesting to see him interacting with other humans in a semi-normal way. Of course it’s weird to see that footage of you, too, when you’re sitting right there on the couch in sneakers and jeans. I mean, obviously I KNOW your history, but seeing those reels really drives home how old you kind of are.

I don’t feel sorry for missing those awful home videos. I’m pretty sure the only reason we have any lying around is because dad was developing video-related tech pretty early on in the game. Do you know how often my mom tripped over the gutted remains of household appliances? I think that’s half the reason she sent me off to boarding school. Once I got loose in my dad’s lab and took apart three computer consoles before my minder spotted me. It would have been fine if she’d let me put them back together but she seemed to think I was stupid enough to get myself electrocuted and so dad realized I’d been poking around in the lab and Christ, he was pissed.

I loved the one with you holding the bike (covered in girls!) over your head – I hate to say it, but you really look like a trained circus lion or elephant or something. Your old showbiz outfit is a little flashy with all the stars and stripes but the sequins matched the chorus girls so nicely – I bet they really brought out your eyes! Also, I hadn’t seen that second post-serum interview. When did you do that? It must have never been haired because you talk pretty explicitly about the super soldier program and the transformation process.

It was kind of neat to see footage of Barnes, too. I’m sorry – is that one of those things you won’t talk about? I read a lot about him in the comics of course but I hadn’t seen much actual footage that included him, despite how active months as a Howling Commando. He was a pretty good-looking kid, and I could tell how close you were. If you want to keep those videos, please feel free. When we get back to the mansion I can have JARVIS convert them into digital files to make sure the originals aren’t lost.

Steve, you’ve gotta stop looking at my money like that. Do you realize how much money I spend on a yearly basis? SI brings in plenty of cash, but the sheer number of patents held by myself & my father’s estate bring in enough cash that even I worked another day in my life I’d be earning six very large figures a month. I have no heirs and no plans to acquire one anytime soon (let’s be honest, I kill plants, I would be the world’s worst parent) and when I croak, all of that cash is going to charity while the last check I write will be to my mortician – and that sucker’ll bounce. I already donate more than any other private individual per year, though most of those donations aren’t in my own name. I don’t want fucking news coverage of what I give, it raises too many questions about how and why I choose to fund the groups that I fund. 

Private industry is a beautiful thing, Steve; it’s just that so many of my financial peers are ridiculously amoral about their business practices. I consider myself to be proof-positive that big business can be successful while still giving a flying fuck about the little people that work for them. I may throw money away on a fucking sixty thousand dollar bed or team trips to tropical islands, but every single one of my employees has full benefits, my plants meet (and beat!) all EPA standards, full time staffers get a week and a half more paid vacation than the industry standard, and I offer fucking paternity leave – all of those things were in place even when I was in bed with the defense department. It’s common fucking sense that higher workplace satisfaction equals greater employee retention, quality hires, and better production overall. 

and guess what? I didn’t need the fucking government to tell me that – if anything dealing with the American military’s response to my shift away from weapons development has hammered home the fact that government involvement in private business practices is shitty and unnecessary, provided business owners **HAVE A SOUL**. Fucking teabaggers ruining my party, jesus Christ.

Okay, okay, that got really tangential. Sorry.

So just, don’t think of my money that way. You don’t owe me anything, I’m not trying to buy your friendship or some shit – I have it and if you need it you are welcome to it. Incidentally, I also wasn’t really going for “taking you under my wing” – I thought we were becoming actual friends? The whole creepy Uncle Tony thing was just a joke, right? ~~I’d rather be~~ Because I really don’t want you to think of me as your crazy Uncle.

You’re welcome to work on the house, I’ll give you my card – the PIN is 8669, cash advance yourself a couple thousand and buy a riding lawnmower or something. Have Gas Station come out and help if you like, you don’t have to tell him who its for or anything. If he does quality stuff I’ll let him put together a team and try his hand at the penthouse wiring – Bruce really did a number on it when he hulked. See the above-mentioned benefit packages for an incentive.

Nat wants you to go on dates, huh? That’s ~~probably~~ a good idea. I mean you’re young and ~~covered in muscles~~ it would be good for you to ~~have a good time~~ interact with people closer to your own age. You’ve spent the last week locked up with your crazy uncle and though I try to be a ~~terrible~~ good influence I can’t really ~~keep you to myself~~ tell you what the kids are doing nowadays. ~~Getting laid couldn’t hurt~~ Casual dating is fun, anyway, I can’t really recommend long term commitment as it’ll ruin your life when the wheels finally fall off.

Fuck, I feel old.

T

PS I’m fully expecting you to grow a beard en lieu of giving me a Christmas present.


	62. It Seems So Complicated

Tony,

So I looked up "teabaggers" on Google and I got two results, one of which seems to have to do with people dressing up like Sam Adams and protesting taxes and healthcare, and one that I'm pretty sure has nothing to do with politics, which I don't really know much about anyway, but thank you, I feel very enlightened at the moment. And also like I might need to shower. 

The interview…Howard did that, well after Erskine died and most folks had written the project off. He wanted to look at the long-term effects of the serum. I guess…he noticed I was getting mentally fidgety, that my brain was outstripping itself, maybe. When I met him, I could barely understand what he was talking about. After the serum, I could hold my own with him in a conversation, provided he wasn't talking hard science, and not many people could.

The one I have to find you, if Howard had it…there's a film they made when they were testing my candidacy for the serum, where they asked me questions about the war and politics and about my reasons for volunteering. And then Howard asked me the same questions a couple of months after the serum. I guess….I felt like the same person. But I was shocked when I saw the simplicity of my responses before. 

That might be the one thing I will say for Howard. Even if he did it because he cared about the science, he never dropped me, never lost interest in me. He wanted to make sure I was healthy and that the project had done right by me. 

I hated that old uniform. I hated posing for those pictures. I liked selling war bonds, because I felt like I was helping, and it was the only opportunity I had to help, but I wish they hadn't made it so glitzy. 

Bucky was…no, I don't mind talking about him. Bucky was the closest thing to a family I had after my mother died. I might have idolized him a little. ~~He was a very good-loo~~ It still doesn't feel like he's gone, really…I still now and then think, oh, I should tell Bucky about some thing or the other. And then I remember he's not around. One time, I was down at Chelsea Market with Natasha and Barton, and I thought I saw him in Ronnybrook, and I thought to myself, oh, I haven't seen Bucky in ages, and I picked up my pace to go say hello-- and then I realized it couldn't be him. 

I'll talk about him. If there's one person in my life apart from my mother whom I ever really loved, it was him. I just assumed nobody really wanted to hear about that.

I really don't want to argue with you about money anymore. Do you understand that my SHIELD stipend is about how much money you spend on takeout in a month, and I just went two weeks without a paycheck because of the government shutdown? We're back on the payroll next week, but still...a whole paycheck is a lot of money. I have about three thousand dollars in the bank to live off of. I know you don't care how you spend your money, but it's really hard for me to accept it…and then you say things like you're not taking me under your wing, but I don't know what you think you're doing if that's not what it is, because you're not letting me feel like we're on equal footing at all. And I know I'm not your equal, I know I'm a lot younger and less-skilled and not half as smart, but I need to be able to feel like I can support myself and buy nice things for myself without help. Or at least that I can give back to you in proportion to whatever you give me. I really need that, all right?

And I think we are friends. If we weren't, I wouldn't feel like I could be honest about this. I didn't grow up around a lot of money. You don't know what it's like to be made to feel as if you're less deserving because you survive on other people's charity. I know you think of it as just doing nice things for your friends, but it's not okay with me if I can't hope to repay you.

That being said, I'd like to work on the house. I think it would be good for me right now. I don't mind using your money for that, and I'm happy to think of it as paid labor if you want to think of a way to pay me. 

And of course the creepy uncle thing was a joke. You're not old enough to be my creepy uncle. 

Maybe we should talk about this in person. 

I don't know about dating. It seems so complicated. All the lessons I know about acting like a gentleman, what rules I'm supposed to follow...they've all gone out the window. You risk insulting a lady for holding the door or pulling her chair out, or for neglecting to, and you're supposed to pay for dinner but act like you don't assume you're paying for dinner, and I really don't think casual dating is for me. I've...you know, back in the forties, after the serum, I suddenly got a lot of attention and...well, you go from always being overlooked, to having people flocking around you, you're going to feel like a starving man at a feast at first. I definitely let it get to my head before I realized that I don't think I want that, and I don't think it's right for Captain America, either. I mean, I know people these days wait until they're older, so I know I have time, and I don't think I'm ready for it right now, but I really would like to have a normal life if I can. Get married, have kids...sometimes I worry, though, is it possible my kids could be as sickly as I was before the serum? I don't know if it would be right for me to risk that. I guess health care is better now, though.

I guess I'd feel better letting those things come naturally. You know, make friends first. Feel like I have a normal life, maybe. Figure out if I'm over Peggy, done mourning for Bucky. ~~and the rest of my life~~ I haven't really had time to sort a lot of feelings out. I don't think I'm really ready to let my world get any bigger right now.

And it really, really sounds like you need to talk to Miss Potts and not me about some of this.

I packed up the films. Yes, your home movies, too. I'll have them digitized, thanks for the suggestion. And then I'm showing the home movies to the entire team. I also found some good pictures of Bucky and Peggy, but none of my mother, really. I guess that was just wishful thinking. I'm taking one of the unwrapped Captain America action figures, too, so we can act out scenes with our respective dollies. Maybe we should pose them on Barton's unicorns.

\--Steve

 

P.S. I think I have just enough time that if I stop shaving now, I will have plenty of orange peach fuzz by Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve, Natasha, and Clint went to [Chelsea Market](http://www.chelseamarket.com/) and stopped at [Ronnybrook Milk Bar](http://www.ronnybrookmilkbar.com/)


	63. definitely not sleeping with Tony

N – 

I’d ask if you were kidding, but it really comes as no surprise. Tony never stops talking about Steve when we’re down in the labs, and Steve spent most of our time stuck in the hospital anxiously checking his Starkpad and then grinning incessantly when a letter came in. He’s also been drawing Tony _constantly_ , far more than the ones he willingly shared with me. 

It’s easy to forget he’s just a kid sometimes. I hope Tony knows what he’s doing – he doesn’t talk about Pepper much these days.

(Incidentally, you can rest assured that I’m definitely not sleeping with Tony – _I_ know better. The real question here is – does Steve?)

While Cap would be good for Tony, I can’t say that the opposite is true – you know how intense Tony can be. Though I wouldn’t dream of meddling, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea to encourage Steve to find someone a little more age-appropriate, preferably someone who hasn’t slept with half of Manhattan. 

I have to admit, quarantine left me restless – it was good to see you again; you even wore red lace. You know how I love lace. Do you know how hard it was not to contact you from quarantine? I spent a _lot_ of time meditating on Kierkegaard you left with me. I couldn’t help but draw connections between that and the Stranger, given that I was essentially imprisoned at the time, but I know how you feel about Camus, particularly his later work.

Let me cook you dinner tonight? I make a mean goat saag; I’ll even throw in some homemade naan if you promise to wear red.

B


	64. More Later

B--

I'm wearing red, but you're going to have to come find out where it is.

More later,

N


	65. Exhibitions Design & Creative Consultant

Cap. Steven Rogers  
1796 Broadway  
Suite 1776  
New York New York 10019

Dear Cap. Rogers:

You have been nominated for the position of Exhibitions Design & Creative Consultant at Stark Industries International.

Enclosed is a copy of the job description and standard benefit package for the position. 

Please let us know whether you wish to be considered for the position. In addition to your letter of interest, please provide a copy of your resume and a portfolio of recent creative works. 

Given the nature of your nomination, no further letters of recommendation are required. 

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX ext XXXXX.

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	66. Impending Job Interview

Tony,

I'm going to need to borrow about three hundred dollars and use your credit card to order some things online. I apparently need to have a portfolio for an impending job interview and I think it would be inappropriate to submit an entire book of drawings of you sleeping. I'll need a light box, a straightedge, masking tape, various types of paper and bristol, a few pens and brushes, a portfolio case, some French curves, and a suit that fits.

I'll hopefully be able to pay you back in a few weeks.

Steve

P.S. I surrender. You're a jackass and I love you for it.


	67. sugarplum

Cap – 

Job interview? Nice. I’m (once again) horrified and ashamed that you’re purchasing a suit under three hundred dollars. Seriously – _seriously_. Use the credit card – or better, just go to my tailor, he bills me every December.

(I hope some stupid job interview isn’t going to have you ditching the house repairs. Those greenhouses aren’t going to rebuild themselves.)

You know, it’s a little embarrassing to admit this, but… I’m not sure I’ve ever had a close friend I didn’t pay to hang out with me. I mean, obviously Pep and I went beyond your typical PA/boss relationships… but even Rhodey, who I’d say is the closest I’ve ever come to having a bestie, was initially appointed the air force’s SI liaison because we’d been at MIT together. It sounds like Bucky was a stand-up guy, though. I’m sorry for your loss; he was too young. 

I… okay, is it stupid that Pepper is like the closest I have to that right now? I mean she’s not really a best friend as we’re, you know, sleeping together. But I really don’t have anyone in the world ~~except, weirdly, you~~ who I talk to as much or as honestly to as I do Pepper.

And yeah, of course dating is complicated. It’s probably better if you’re friends first, maybe, or at the very least you have a semi-functional business relationship as that will save you a lot of awkward first date questions like “so what do you do for fun” and “are you sure you’re clean” and shit like that. 

Actually, you wanna go out for drinks sometime soon? I can totally give you dating pointers. Picking up women is, of course, one of the many things I’m amazing at. If you want a normal life you might as well learn how to interact normally with people..

Show those home videos to the team and you’d better not feign surprise when your next armor upgrades comes back full of holes in tender areas. SERIOUSLY.

T

PS Still a beard, still counts.  
PPS I love you too, sugarplum.


	68. A Little...Well, a Lot High

Tony,

Was that a declaration of love from the two-time Sexiest Man Alive? I'm pinning that inside my shirt pocket so I can wear it close to my heart.

I have a tailor appointment on Monday. Do you want to come along and make sure you approve of the suit I'm wearing to the interview you arranged for me? Better yet, I might need a wardrobe consultant. You can't have your new exhibitions designer dressing like an eyesore. 

I'm not even sure what an exhibitions designer does. Are we turning the Long Island house into a museum? Creating a public indoor greenspace on the first floor if the tower? I suppose I should ask this Jordan fellow for more details about the position.

Please just, whatever you do, don't throw your lot in with Natasha on this one. I really don't think I'm ready to date anybody. I think I can hold my own against her, but it's becoming more obvious I don't think I'll be able to say no to you. 

Speaking of not saying no, of course I will have drinks with you, but you do realize alcohol has no effect on me and I will drink you under the table. There's a bar in Midtown I'd like to try-- the Edison Rum House? I hear they have classic 1940s cocktails and live music. And then maybe we can get a table at Esca? Thor went there when Jane was in town and he said the sea urchin was amazing. I sort of want to try sea urchin. I feel like I should try all these weird foods no one had in America before I went to Europe. 

I don't know about talking about dating, though. I really mean it. Just... if you feel you must. introduce me to some people you think I ought to date, and don't tell me that's what you're thinking. Just let me hit it off with people the normal way, would you?

I hope you don't take this as bullying, but I hate hearing you talk about Miss Potts this way and knowing you're not talking to her. Tony, that's too important. Just goddamn talk to her. Why do you keep putting it off?

Steve

P.S. Fine. I won't shave. You'll see how tragic it is in a week or two.

P.S. Tony, I know I'm being maybe unnecessarily sarcastic above, but I wanted to say that It really means a lot to me that you have this kind of confidence in me. And I don't mind accepting this kind of help. I just...you know I never finished my degree, right? And I don't have a lot of work experience. I think this salary offer is a little...well, a lot high. I don't want to misrepresent myself or make you look like an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to go to [Edison Rum House](http://www.edisonrumhouse.com/) and [ESCA](http://www.esca-nyc.com/)


	69. my life as a human cesspit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains Iron Man 1/2/3 spoilers, and references to drug abuse. <3

Cap – 

Am I my Captain’s keeper? You can go get tailored for your own suit like a big boy - ~~you've been wanting to be self-sufficient, I don't want to step on your -~~ But just make sure you get something gray, black is too severe for you. Like a charcoal maybe, or you could do a very dark blue – no, wait, don’t do blue, you’ve already got dress blues (don’t you?) so I’d go charcoal with maybe a very thin stripe. And have them give you a nice pale shirt underneath. Like a buttery pink or a pale purple? Just don’t do a dark red or blue, that’s not you and you’ve got a pink enough complexion that I think red would make you look super flushed all the time. And no yellow – just don’t do it. Say no to yellow/orange.

Anyway, you can totally handle it yourself, I have complete confidence in you.

Look, Steve. The interview is up to you. Honestly, I’ve hired staff in weirder places than my parents’ creepy abandoned mansion. – this one time I hired a stripper when I found out she was dancing her way through her student loans. I think your portfolio will speak for itself anyway. SI is playing with the idea of a complete rebrand, as currently our logos are still what they were during weapons production – we need ad design, physical exhibition design (it’s kind of like set design, except my brilliant tech is the star of the show), logo rebranding options. … Ask Earnest, or check the website. The job listing is there; it doesn’t call for someone with a degree, just a portfolio. It’s an actual job and you meet the requirements. Whether or not you can handle an interview isn’t really my problem - I just threw your name into the pot.

Look, Pepper is – pepper is wonderful. You keep telling me I need to talk to her…. Well last night I _tried_ to talk to her and got skunked. You just don’t – you don’t understand what she and I have been through together. You didn’t see me living my life as a human cesspit, blowing off work and partying all night, letting assholes run my company and sell guns to rogue militias, handing SI tech to people who’d cut swaths through women and children as soon as they’d blink – she covered my ass so many times with the media, managed my image when the coke came out, used to walk my one-night stands out of the house, all firm-lipped and proud. She just - 

Despite all of that she still _liked_ me – she knew me and _liked me_ , which pretty much never happens. Hell, _I_ didn’t like me, but Pepper was there and never walked away.

~~I mean, I was paying her to be there, but…~~

Then Afghanistan, she spent months looking for me and holding it together while I was gone - she was the first person I showed the arc reactor. She saved my life when ~~Obie~~ rogue elements within SI ~~literally ripped my heart out~~ made attempts on my life – and was there in Monaco when the Vanko shit hit the fan, saved my sorry ass again last Christmas when she kicked the everloving shit out of Aldrich Killian. It’s just that – she’s not the kind of person that wants a life like the one I've created. She could deal with rich, eccentric Tony who occasionally made awful choices, but being emotionally invested in someone who has almost died four times in the last year is a little extreme for anyone. There’s some kind of existential crisis going on over there, too – she wouldn’t move to New York because she didn’t want constant reminders of me almost dying in an alien invasion, I tried to get her to help rebuild the Malibu house and she didn’t want to be involved – I don't know. 

~~Sometimes it feels like the closer I get to what I want the further I get from her~~

Those fuckers last Christmas stripped her of her humanity and while I managed to get rid of extremis, it feels like something else is missing too. ~~I feel like a different person somehow with the arc reactor gone, it’s like~~

What do I do if I talk to her and she ends it? Steve, I do love her. You may not believe me considering how things have been lately but she’s an incredible person and I’d do anything for her ~~I just know if I call~~ but if she leaves me? If she leaves SI? ~~I just can’t~~

 

 

 

So that’s a total yes on the drinks; I booked ESCA for you, so yeah. Don’t let Nat convince you to date if you aren’t comfortable doing it; but I’ll tell you just in case you forgot – you’re Captain America, nothing in your life is going to be normal. Also, anyone near you is going to be a target – they may think they know what they’re signing up for, but they never really do.

 

T

PS okay. okay. i'll put on my big boy pants and call - but first, another drink.


	70. I am Currently Engaged by Your Employer

Dear Mr. Jordan,

Thank you very much for your consideration. I do have a few questions.

I would like to know what responsibilities this position entails, and whether the position allows for remote hours, as I am currently engaged by your employer on a temporary basis that requires my presence in Old Westbury, Long Island from time to time, and I have been informed that it would be unacceptable for me to leave that engagement. 

I do also have another position which, on a usual week, only requires a few hours of my time for status meetings and paperwork. However, on occasion, it can render me unavailable for stretches at a time. Please understand that I am thrilled by the opportunity to work for you, but I need to make sure that I don't renege on previous commitments.

Thank you very much,

Captain Steven G Rogers


	71. I Can Pick Out a Suit on My Own

Hell, Tony, you tried to talk to Miss Potts last night? You were obscenely drunk last night. Are you trying to sabotage your own relationship? I don't know whether I want to know what you said, or not. Or what she said.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm hopelessly inexperienced in this realm, but you love her and it's stupid to be so afraid she'll end things that you avoid her completely. If you don't talk to her, it will be over. Do you know how fortunate you are to have the opportunity to fix things? She's perfect for you; she's laughably better than ~~me~~ anyone else you could find. Don't squander it. I never had that chance.

Believe it or not, I am fully aware that nothing is ever going to be normal for me. That doesn't mean I can't hate it. All I wanted was to serve my country, go home, and feel like I had done my part. Like you said before, my sacrifice was no different from anyone else's. But I don't get to go back, and I am acutely aware of what it means to live the kind of life we live, and what it will mean for anyone else who chooses to become part of it.

Fine. I can pick out a suit on my own. I'll wear it to dinner, or something. So you can see it. I don't know. I'm just worried I don't understand modern styles and I'll pick out the wrong thing.

Steve


	72. your unique relationship

Cap. Steven Rogers  
1796 Broadway  
Suite 1776  
New York New York 10019

Dear Cap. Rogers:

I have been made aware of your unique relationship with my employer; I assure you SI fully endorses Avengers-related activities along with any previous commitments related to your employment by Mr. Anthony E. Stark. Your irregular hours will not be considered a disadvantage as our hiring process proceeds.

The position entitled Exhibitions Design & Creative Consultant involves the creation of creative and dynamic marketing strategies for SI products, including but not limited physical showcase design, marketing presentation, logo design and alteration, and working with relevant creative teams to chart the marketing trajectory of devices.

While the hours offered in this position are flexible, you will be expected to spend roughly 16 hours a week in our SI New York headquarters. 

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX ext XXXXX.

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	73. grumpy, grumpy

Cap – 

Wait, you sound grumpy - are you pissed that I’m not going with you to the tailor? If you want me there I’ll be there. I just thought you’d ~~be sick of my company~~ want to be independent since you were all “I don’t want your charity etc etc” - I mean, Steve, you’re offering me a ready-made excuse to watch you flex in suits. I’ll definitely come. Hell, I’ll drive.

It’ll take more than an outfit to lose you a job like this, Steve. You’re a smart guy, artistic, and a veteran. Suits are great to wear, nice to look at, and fabulous to peel off of someone – but it’s not going to be the suit that gets you a job.

Still, my guy is good. You’ll look sharp, and if you’re wearing a suit to dinner then I am too. I’ll meet you on the ground floor at one.

Apparently I’ve been cleared by the Japanese government for entry into the country. I’ll be going next week for a couple of days. I’m going by Malibu to spend some time with Pep as well, so… yeah.

That’s a thing that’s happening.

T


	74. I Feel So Rusty

Tony,

Thanks for the offer. I'm not pissed off about the suit, no...but I really don't know what I'm doing and suits cost a lot of money. I've never had a civilian suit before.

No no that's not true. Someone got me a secondhand one that was too big to wear to my mother's funeral. I've had a few nice jackets, I guess, but not an honest-to-goodness matching suit. 

Natasha's been trying to teach me to dress myself, I guess? She took me to Uniqlo and Brooks Brothers last week while you were down for the count. She's been very insistent about the whole thing. I got an entire lesson in underwear, which is still sinking in (although she has informed me that your Iron Man boxer briefs are anything but stylish). I think the only thing I'm wearing right now that I bought without guidance is my watch. She even found me my leather Chucks, which might be my favorite shoes I've ever owned.

Which reminds me, I forgot about shoes. The Chucks really don't go. I have a pair of boat shoes and a pair of combat boots, but I doubt those are right, either. I technically also have the bunny slippers Barton gave me as a joke, but I don't think I'll be wearing those out of the Tower. Or ever.

The Army was so much easier. You didn't get to choose what to wear. Everything matched. 

I'm going to get to work on this portfolio. Mr. Jordan got back to me with specifics, so I think I know what I need to send. Is it all right if I set up a drafting table in the lab for now? If I get this job, I'll need a working studio. 

I feel so rusty. The last time I did any commercial design was technically seventy-two years ago. This wasn't a trick to force me to learn computers, was it?

I'm thinking if you want a new logo design, we want to focus on clean energy. Use the visual elements of the arc reactor to drive the imagery. Yes?

I'm glad you're going to Malibu. Look, take as long as you need out there, all right? Don't rush back because you feel obliged. Or, you know, rush back because you don't know what to say. Take your time, sort things out. You'll be able to work it out. And, you know, write while you're there if you need to. It'll be like I'm in the other room. Or call. I'm not much for telephones but I think the occasion warrants it.

Great. I'll see you at one in front of the house. 

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Steve went to [This Uniqlo](https://plus.google.com/108627006496465286196/about?gl=us&hl=en) and [This Brooks Brothers](https://plus.google.com/109435974213254235353/about?gl=us&hl=en)


	75. Your shoulders look ten miles wide.

Cap – 

Well, the suit _was_ perfect – great cut, made your shoulders look about ten miles wide, not to mention how well it hung – I'm glad you went with the charcoal, it really did make your eyes look extra blue. I guess this is the part where I shake my head and mutter something like “this is why we can’t have nice things”. How is your shoulder this morning? I know you have a high pain threshold, but it looked really awful and bruising like crazy. Not to mention all the cuts.

I can’t believe we were in the right place at the right time on that one – and I’m a little pissed that some fucker’s inability to manage a construction site ruined our ~~date~~ night on the town.

I’m sorry if I was a little shaken by everything that went down. If that Matt guy in line behind us at Holey Cream hadn’t heard the sounds outside (and how did he do that? I didn’t hear a thing.) we wouldn’t have had any idea what was happening. It’s funny how much of what goes on in New York city becomes background noise after a while... you tune out things like active construction and traffic and even accidents. I didn’t notice the screams til you were halfway down the block. How the hell did he hear them so far off?

It’s funny, I sort of forget how much danger there is in the world that isn’t supernatural/alien/fixable by a man in a tin can. A crane could be caught in high winds and dangle beams of cement over heavily trafficked civilian areas _any day of the week_ , and if you're unlucky enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time it's just lights out with no rhyme or reason. If you hadn’t acting so quickly, pulling that girl out of the way and swinging that beam away from the sidewalk we would have been looking at a really different scene. I would never forgive myself if one of us had been crushed by a two ton beam falling from Chitauri-induced reconstruction. Death by irony, ugh. 

Of course, it’s hard to enjoy your donut-ice cream-sandwich with a dislocated shoulder after being ripped up by falling shards of glass, so I'm sorry. We’ll have to go back – or take some out. 

Um, also I’m sorry if I kind of freaked you out, afterwards. I didn’t mean to. It’s just – after the battle of New York I started having these kind of panic attacks and it's _totally fine now_ , but I guess I sort of overreacted. ~~It used to just happen when people brought it up or I thought about the~~ I guess something about last night kind of freaked me out, it was so out of nowhere. I wasn’t very useful and I know it was probably unnecessary to clean up your cuts ~~poorly, given how bad my hands were shaking~~ when you heal yourself at an accelerated rate and everything, I just ~~wanted to feel you and remind myself you were fine~~ didn’t expect the evening to go that way and wasn’t really prepared.

You probably think I’m crazy. Sorry. Of course if you didn't already think I'm crazy YOU are clearly crazy and we're birds of a feather, so hey. ~~Let's flock.~~

I ordered in a drafting table and a light box for you – I had one, but it was much smaller and I tend to do my serious drafting on like cocktail napkins, so yeah. I also asked my guy to provide a duplicate suit before you go in. At least the shoes were salvageable. 

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Steve went for dessert at [Holey Cream](http://holeycreamnyc.com/food-delivery-TW/holey-cream-manhattan-consumer.6618.r?QueryStringValue=VMmqwG+45lq8Hr7RLKf8cQ==)


	76. Can I put that on my résumé?

Tony,

Thanks. I feel like I've been hit by a train-- which, in my case, has happened before, and it leaves me feeling rough, but is otherwise survivable. Most of the superficial cuts are healed, though...I need to shower all this blood off.

God, Tony, I'm sorry about the suit.

I notice you somehow managed to retrieve the Iron Man sheets from the trash. Or are these new ones? Either way, you're still a creep. I'm going to find Hawkeye sheets and see how you like sleeping with Barton. Did you undress me? Can I put that on my résumé? That I once got stripped down to my underwear by the two-time sexiest man alive?

Look, the panic stuff is in your file. I knew it might happen. Don't worry about it. You did exactly what you needed to do given the situation, and you didn't make things worse. It's all okay. You want to know how often I still wake up in a cold sweat? How many nights I sneak out and jog in the park just to keep my mind from racing? One time, I got up at two AM and took the Q all the way out to Coney Island, watched the sunrise, and came back in. You almost died. And you almost lost Miss Potts not too long after. I'll take it as a high compliment that you were that worried over me. 

You know, I don't know if you're having trouble sleeping, but you can always wake me. I don't need a lot of sleep.

The girl from the scene is in the hospital, I guess. It seems like it's all superficial injuries, but should I go visit her?

Anyway, I guess that's just what that night needed to be. I'll be fine by tomorrow. I don't scar anymore.

When I was in the orphanage, we didn't have electricity. The building was lit with tallow lamps. One day, one of the younger children knocked a lamp over, and the hot fat splattered everywhere. I shoved him out of the way, and the hot grease got on my arm. I had a scar, a splatter mark, like a permanent rain splash, on my forearm. 

I loved that scar. It was like, you know, a permanent reminder that I'd protected someone else.

Three days after I took the serum, the scar was completely gone.

My shoulder's still killing me--mind coming up here with a heat pack? I put on the Lou Reed playlist you sent me, too-- I feel like there's so much I need to learn about all the music I've missed, and a great musician's death seems like an apt, but sobering reason to put some effort into it. So much of this music is referring to a New York that I missed-- different from the one I left, but one that's been wiped away by time already. Some of the Velvet Underground music was a little dark for me, but...I just... _Heroin_ really struck a chord with me, maybe in a way that the song wasn't intended. Anyhow, it's much appreciated. 

Steve

P.S. Ha, let's flock together, right?


	77. (yes, we know, really!)

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Well played Cap!

More excellent press for everyone's favorite boy scout:

...

 **NEWS**  
Agnieska Blaszczyk  
  
**"Captain America" is Everyday Hero in Hell's Kitchen Construction Catastrophe**  
  
Monday evening, a sure tragedy was narrowly avoided as Steve Rogers, better known as "Captain America," stepped in to rescue a young woman from a falling concrete pillar on 56th Street and Ninth Avenue.    
  
The rash of near-misses and even deadly accidents involving construction since last year's deadly alien invasion has been garnering attention as New York residents call for tighter regulations and more safety inspections at building sites around the city.  It's become a major issue in this year's mayoral election: an aide for Democratic candidate Bill diBlasio was quick to point out that as a City Council member, Mr. DiBlasio has been instrumental in supporting new safety and environmental mandates for construction projects in the city.    
  
When a crane atop a new luxury apartment complex collapsed, a concrete pillar dropped several stories, scattering terrified pedestrians and bringing Ms. Rebecca Quan, 29, within inches of her life as she exited a nearby building just as the pillar came crashing down.    
  
"It was really, like, a split second.  I walked out of the deli and there were all these people screaming!" Ms. Quan, an art dealer based in Chelsea, told our reporters from her hospital bed at St. Luke's Hospital.  "And then some guy pushed me out of the way.  And then, boom!  I didn't even have time to process it; it was like, screaming, oh my god, there's this big blond guy, oh my god he's running into me what is he doing oh my god there's a giant hole where I was standing.  And it's like, hello! You're on top of me.  Oh, you're way cute.  And also- [expletive]- full of pieces of broken glass!  And that was the point when I realized that if it wasn't for him, I'd probably have been toast."    
  
Rogers, 95 (yes, we know, really!), declined to speak with reporters, although he was seen leaving the scene with our favorite new addition to the New York City skyline, Mr. Tony Stark himself.  Although you'd better watch your back, Mr.  Stark!  One of your houseguests just might take your place in our affections.    
  
The work permits for the construction site were registered to Bain Construction, a sister company of Baintronics, Ltd. Matthew Murdock, 36, a neighborhood lawyer and bystander present at the scene, said he was distressed by the number of code violations found at the site.  A representative could not be reached for comment.


	78. I miss the feel of it

Steve -

I hate to tell you this, Steve, but the number of people who can say they’ve been stripped by New York’s two-time Sexiest Man Alive is a fairly large crowd. Thankfully my tastes have gotten ~~much~~ a little more particular as I’ve gotten older. I still wouldn’t bank on that as hiring criteria, though. 

The fortunate souls out there that have experienced a Tony Stark brand massage, though, are members of a much more exclusive club. Pepper always said I was good at it, and she's not one for idle compliments, so yeah – I hope you enjoyed it. ~~I know I did~~

Barton is SO not my type. God, he never shuts up – not to mention he’s waaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaay too short for me.

Also, no, I’m not a very good sleeper. JARVIS monitors me in the tower; if I’m over a certain number of hours awake he flags Pepper and/or starts shutting down my work stations… pretty passive-aggressive for a computer system. I might take you up on that sometime - typically engineering after 40+ hours awake leads only to heartbreak and stitches. Maybe we could finally show you Star Wars.

Steve, in a way you gave up your scars too – another important thing that you were willing to sacrifice for the benefit of others. You should still be proud - it's a reminder, just as physical, as the scar was in the first place. I’ve been toying with the idea of manipulating Extremis to take advantage of its healing factors and trying to get rid of the scars on my own chest... I had the arc reactor taken out after everything happened last Christmas, partly to prove to myself that I could and partly because Pepper wanted me to give up the armor and I really did think about it. ~~I kind of miss the feel of it~~ Let’s just say there’s a reason I don’t ever take my shirt off in front of the team these days – I’ve had one too many open heart surgeries in underground bunkers to qualify for a third-time Sexiest Man Alive nomination anytime soon. And I know it sounds vain, but even with the reactor gone my chest cavity is a mess... reduced lung capacity, traumatized tissue, etc etc. It might be worth a shot.

Listen, I know I told you we’d go to the zoo, but I think I’m gonna man up and head to Malibu the day after tomorrow, spend a few days, then head over to Japan and take care of all that SI bullshit. I’ve had that trip hanging over my head for weeks now. You said it yourself - the chance to fix things is worth it. If the world could end at any moment, I might as well be on good terms with the people I care about in it.

You're sure you don't want to check out Japan? Let me know if you want me to bring you back some sushi or something. 

T


	79. Hey girl!!!!!!!

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: HEY GIRL

look guys I made a thing:

posting to reddit in 5…….4…….

clint.


	80. I Will Kill You

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: HEY GIRL

Clint, if you post a picture of my new haircolor on Reddit and I have to go blonde just to keep my identity under wraps, I will kill you. 

Smooches,

N.


	81. Ryan Gosling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes spoilers for the first episode of Agents of SHIELD.

Tony,

Uh. The massage was great. Thanks. ~~If you need an excuse to straddle my~~

~~That wasn't what I had in mind when I said I wanted a hot compress, but it'll do.~~

~~Look, there's no way to say this without risking sounding like I'm full of myself, and I know you flirt a, well, more than the average human being, but are you hitting on me intentionally?~~

~~Why do you have to be so~~

At least we know that if the market for clean energy dries up tomorrow, Tony Stark will still have a job, ha.

And thanks for coming up and showing me that morbid-but-cute Halloween movie. I couldn't help but kind of...identify with Jack, is that weird? And now I know where you get that "making robots, lalala" thing you always sing when you're working. I always just assumed you made that up.

There's also a, uh, basket full of candy with a card signed "The Great Pumpkin" sitting in my kitchen. I can't imagine you had anything to do with that. What the hell is a Great Pumpkin?

I know things have been tough with Pepper, so of course, understood. The zoo can wait. It'll be there when you get back. I'm glad you're finally getting out there. It's long overdue. And, you know, the quality of the company you've been keeping lately is severely lacking.

It's too bad. I already ordered the Hawkeye sheets. They'll be on your bed when you get back. I was planning on putting them on after I'm done taking advantage of your absence to see what it's like to sleep on diamonds. So, Barton's not your type? I didn't realize you had a type. I thought your type involved pulses and functioning respiratory systems. This could be a whole front page exposé: Tony Stark Actually Has Some Basis of Selectivity and It Excludes SHIELD Agent Clint Barton. What's your type, other than tall? 

~~I have noticed you talking about my arms an awful lot, la~~

All kidding aside, I really do hope for the best for you. I hope the trip goes smoothly, you manage to come to some kind of resolution, and you enjoy Japan. It's all right-- I suspect if I tell you I don't want you to bring me a present, you'll take that as a cue to bring me a present. Just take care of yourself, Tony. ~~I want~~ I hate that you're unhappy. 

If you've got one day left before you go, is there anything you want to do? Should we try for donut ice cream sandwiches again? I do need to stop at the hospital and see that girl, but you're welcome to come with me. I'm trying to figure out whether flowers or balloons are in order. It'll be a good photo op; you keep telling me I need to take advantage of those.

I guess I was on the cover of all the free morning papers this morning? Barton keeps calling me Ryan Gosling. I saw _Drive_ when Natasha and Barton were watching it, but I don't get how that makes sense. Can you explain these photos he keeps sending around? IS this like the time he mailed out that picture of you that said "I don't always drink beer...but when I do I'm already drunk on whiskey" ? Anyway, I do need to stop at the hospital, but I'm free apart from that.

Has Banner looked at Extremis? Maybe the two of you should work on that together. Just be careful with it, Tony-- I know you saw the SHIELD report about that rogue group in California. I know they're not you, but it seemed pretty unstable. There might be some other tech you could look at. I'm saying this bit as team leader, of course-- we want Iron Man in fighting condition in every way possible. If you need me to requisition any documents from SHIELD, let me know. 

Although, personally, I don't see why the Sexiest Man Alive can't have scars from saving the world. I can't speak for anyone else, but I wouldn't complain if you wanted to flaunt them now and then. As far as I'm concerned, that qualifies you permanently.

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your humble authors would like you to know that they are spending the weekend together in honor of Rainproof's birthday and also Halloween - and the (extreme) amount of sleep deprivation currently being accrued is directly proportional to the amount of excellent comments we've been receiving. They are being read aloud and giggled at - thank you all for reading!!!


	82. Long-Winded Pedantry Extravaganza

B--

Thanks for breakfast. You don't need to say it was for me-- I know, even if the boys ate all the bacon before I got there. I hear it was excellent.

While you were in quarantine, they put me and Barton up at the Mandarin Oriental. It was an absolute waste of a giant squishy bed, impeccable water pressure, and room service. 

It's nice having you back. Sometimes just seeing your calm focus in the midst of the chaos of the day is enough to make me feel a little more at ease.

We're never going to agree on Camus. He knows how to use a pretty phrase, but it comes down to The Fall, really. Anybody who says it's useless to seek redemption hasn't ever done anything bad enough to need it, even if they write two-dimensional cautionary tales about people who have to prove their point. And I still can't square with anyone who thinks hope is tragic. Sisyphus doesn't keep pushing that rock up the hill because he's accepted his fate; he keeps pushing the rock up the hill because you haven't lost until you surrender. I know, I know, leave it to the team cynic to argue in favor of hope, but this is why Kierkegaard appeals. Don't get me started on The Stranger, darling. It's just one big long-winded pedantry extravaganza. 

Anyway, you know I'm just softening you up before I throw some radical feminists your way. I've been rubbing my hands together in anticipation. 

Whatever is up with those two...I don't know. I was expecting they'd come back from their strange little getaway with this sorted to _someone's_ satsifaction, but apparently Stark bought Steve a suit and offered him a job, and I'm not sure what kind of kink that's supposed to be. I think Steve got banged up because they went on a date. I can't tell with those two. And now Stark's hovering over Cap like he might die over a few scratches.

I've got a field assignment that's going to take…S.H.I.E.L.D.'s estimating forty-eight, so I'm going to say thirty-six hours, tops. If you're in bed when I get back, I'll tiptoe in. If you're still in the lab, well. I'll tiptoe in there, instead. 

Kisses,

N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Natasha stayed in [this hotel](http://www.mandarinoriental.com/newyork/).


	83. Hey, it's You!

Tony,

Hey, I haven't heard from you in a couple of days-- everything all right out there? I know you're probably busy with Pepper, but I wanted to just check in, since you haven't been picking up your phone. (I didn't leave any messages, there wasn't anything to say apart from that I was checking in)

So, believe it or not, a couple days after the hospital, I was in Argo with Barton and Natasha, and I heard someone behind me say "hey, it's you!" I thought it was going to be one of those fans again, but it was actually Rebecca, the girl who wound up in the hospital after the thing with the beam. She's looking a lot better. It was nice to be recognized in a public place by someone who was genuinely happy to see me, instead of wanting an autograph. She took a walk with us in Central Park for a bit...she actually showed us this bench that I guess belongs to some actor? Bill somebody? Anyway, Barton thought it was great and got up on it and recited some speech about Independence Day, and everyone else thought it was hilarious, and they all told me that was another movie I needed to see, so she came back with us to the Tower and we all watched Independence Day together. She invited us to come to a party with her later, so I guess I'll go. 

I wonder how much a real alien attack changes the way people see movies about alien attacks. That movie seems too...well, plausible, now, a year out from the Chitauri. Of course, I think a lot of things seem plausible now.

Anyway, there's nothing really going on here. Not much to say except that ~~I miss you~~ I hope you have a good trip. Just call in when you can, all right?

Steve

PS We took photos:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang went to [this Argo Tea](http://www.yelp.com/biz/argo-tea-cafe-new-york)
> 
> And then they went and sat on the [Bill Pullman Bench](https://foursquare.com/v/bill-pullman-bench/4ee908fda69d4c7d889c1a21) (and yes, I took the photo)


	84. I'll just leave these here then.

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
cc: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
subject: you know you love it, steve

i'll just leave these here then


	85. Rocky Romance Report

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: uh oh

check this link... looks like Iron Man's flying solo again

...

**Rocky Romance Report**  
By Pam Bouden

It's the end of the line for power-couple Tony Stark and PA-turned-CEO Pepper Potts. In a statement released to the Associated Press on Monday, representatives for the couple revealed that they had grown apart romantically, but still “harbor a great desire to remain close in their platonic and professional capacities.”

After two years of surprisingly scandal-free on-again-off-again dating, sources close to the couple began to report weeks of silence after Ms. Potts’ involvement in the Roxxon Norco explosion last Christmas. The company has taken great care to keep the details of her involvement minimal, and while Ms. Potts attended a number of related court hearings and took significant time off work in the aftermath, the bulk of her statements were kept private.

The announcement of their split comes on the heels of Us Weekly's flashy cover story showing images of Tony Stark at a series of high-dollar fundraisers with a dark-haired woman purported to be his new personal assistant. Sources close to the couple speculate that the pair disagreed on where to relocate after the destruction of Mr. Stark’s California property and the Battle of New York, during which the newly-minted Stark Tower suffered severe damage.

“Tony Stark is a nutcase,” one source close to the couple confessed. “He can’t pull himself together, and Pepper is tired of waiting for him to learn to be a functional adult.”

Other sources suggest that disagreements over the choice to conceive drove the couple apart. An acquaintance of Ms. Potts suggests that “Tony wanted to go all in and start a family, but Pepper knows having a child now could derail her career. She doesn't want people to think she has what she has because she's intimate with her boss. She's good at her job and she earned it; that's ' more important to her than kids.”

Ms. Potts, 39-year-old Stark Industries CEO, ranks amongst America’s highest-earning women in business. Her meteoric rise through the ranks is the stuff of legends – working her way up from SI accounting to become personal assistant to Tony Stark, eventually taming the bad-boy billionaire and moving into his Malibu mansion as a permanent fixture.

In a statement released by her own agents, Ms. Potts maintains that Stark Industries is her first priority. She also asks that the public and press respect her privacy at this challenging junction in her life.

Mr. Stark’s representatives declined to comment, though the two-time Time magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” winner was spotted this weekend out and about at one of his old haunts in Malibu. Stark, flanked by a pair of blondes, was caught on film staggering out of a nightclub at four AM before ducking into a stylish as-of-yet off the general Market 2013 Audi S4. Stark will be ditching the California coast in upcoming days for a cross-Pacific journey to oversee and participate in a series of conferences, fund-raisers and design-related meetings.

Want to see Tony and Pepper in happier times? Click the following link for [more images](https://www.google.com/search?q=Pepper+Potts+Tony+Stark&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=s-FTUv2eLsXVkwWl0YGYBQ&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=1422&bih=668&dpr=1#q=Tony+Stark+Pepper+Potts&tbm=isch).


	86. I Saw The News

Tony,

Hey. I saw the news. ~~Are you oka~~ Look, just call me? I tried you just now and I think your phone must be off. I don't want to bother you too much if you don't want to talk, but...I hate being this far away and not being able to help. 

Are you going to be all right in Japan? I can try to book a flight out there if you want. Or not. Just let me know.

Steve


	87. Twilight Sparkle

Tony,

I know you must be feeling pretty down right now, and I don't know if there's anything I can do to cheer you up, but I asked Clint to show me how to download the pictures from my phone again and I thought this might help. We've actually been spending some time together while you've been gone; he really hit it off with Rebecca and the two of them keep dragging me to ingest all the pop culture in the world. I told them I'm not allowed to watch Star Wars without you, though. We did watch some My Little Pony...I'm not entirely sure I see the appeal, but Clint is apparently very proud of his limited edition Rainbow Dash Shadowbolt doll and won't take it out of the box for us to play with.

|  |   
---|---|---  
|  |   
|  |   
  
I know, I know, silly. There's been a lot going on here. It's nothing we've needed Iron Man for, but...I don't know if you've been reading the reports. I rescued some guy's fancy camera from a thief. He snapped a couple shots of me, and then sold them to one of the tabloids. I don't know how I feel about that. Anyway, just letting you know you're missed and I'm thinking about you. Take care. Just let me know when you're ready to talk, all right? 

Steve


	88. The Cutest Avenger

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Hey, look, everybody!!!

Guys, did you see this one? This was such a fun day. Steve, haha, they think we're dating... HMMMMM.

Clint, I don't know why you didn't get a mention at the end there.

Did any of you want to come to karaoke with me tonight? I think it's time for a little Bonnie Tyler, isn't it? 

<3 <3 <3

Bec

**Captain America At It Again**

Desirée Blaynton

Steve Rogers, aka the cutest Avenger (this has been proven in multiple highly scientific studies), was seen hob-nobbing with the elite this weekend at some very high-profile events…oh, who are we kidding? Cap spent his weekend at the Pediatric Cancer Care Center of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Hospital, donning his famously patriotic uniform to cheer up a crowd of young cancer patients before returning to his civvies to run a fun arts and crafts program for the kids. 

Rogers, who studied to be a commercial artist before famously joining the army and being frozen in ice for decades, taught the boys and girls a two-hour lesson on cartooning and comics history, before helping the kids draw their own comic strips.

"It was so cool!" said one nine-year-old boy. "I thought Captain America was just an awesome fighter, but he's really good at drawing, too."

"I didn't know that you could, like, draw stuff for a living," said a twelve-year-old girl. "I totally want to be a graphic designer now." 

Cap brought autographed comics and lapel pins shaped like his trademark shield for all the lucky kids, and had his photo taken with each one. 

"I was sick a lot when I was a kid," said Rogers. "And sometimes the worst part about it isn't feeling physically ill, but being in bed and feeling like you can't do anything. Art was a great outlet for me, and I love the idea of passing my love of art to a new generation. I hope I've been able to teach these kids a few things about drawing and cartoons, and more importantly, that they've all had a fun day."

Rogers, who we're not sure whether to list as 27 or 95, seemed to be up to some fun of his own, as he was reportedly seen getting friendly with a fellow volunteer. The hospital declined to give her full name, but we've been told she goes by "Becky," and we can assure you she's smoking hot. Sorry, ladies! If you're looking to pick up an Avenger, we hear Tony Stark's single again (Although, personally, I'm holding out for Thor).


	89. Stark Takes Tokyo

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: "Stark Takes Tokyo"

Doesn't that sound like a porno? Perez Hilton is going nuts over this shit

...

  


**Stark Takes Tokyo**  
Filed under: Money Money Money • Tony Stark • Iron Man • Noisy Fuckers • Gossip Is As Gossip Does

Billionaire inventor Tony Stark is making a splash in Tokyo – in all the wrong ways.

Stark has moved for an undetermined period of time to a swanky Roppongi Hills crash pad, and the neighbors are NOT excited.

Since Stark arrived on the scene there have been no fewer than seventeen noise complaints filed with the local authorities. Stark’s cars (four have been sighted so far) have also been impounded three times after being illegally parked near the complex. Locals report visitors coming and going at all hours of the night, and last week cell phone pics were snapped of six peacocks loose in the stairway between the thirteenth and fifteenth floors.

Mr. Stark, may we suggest that if you continue to throw this kind of bash you take the time to invite your neighbors to party along? They're way less likely to complain if they're living the high life - a little booze, a little blow .... come on, YOU’RE supposed to be the genius.


	90. Welcome Home Dinner

Tony,

So...I guess you extended your stay? 

~~I feel like I ought to tell you about Be~~

I had my interview for that position; it seems like it went well. I still...I'm really grateful you set that up for me, and I hope it works out. 

The contractors are all finished with your lab and moved your things in. It's mostly in boxes for you to unpack. I figured you wouldn't want anybody else touching DUM-E so I moved him myself. I'll go make sure and visit him till you come home. I had them set up my drafting table in there so he'll have company.

I bought myself a new bedframe. I thought you'd want to know that. I'd been saving up for...I'm not sure what I was saving up for, but having a bed that doesn't keep threatening to fall apart seemed like a good idea. I got a real dresser that isn't made out of plastic, too. 

Can you just let me know when you're coming home? It's been a while since…well, I haven't heard from you since you left. I'd like to make you welcome-home-dinner, if that's okay.

Steve


	91. mmmmm, cupcakes

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
cc: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
subject: mmmmm, cupcakes

Okay okay one more


	92. I Shouldn't Be Bothering You

Tony,

Look. I know. I shouldn't be bothering you. If this is just about Pepper, I understand. I don't want to interrupt you if you need to take time away from everyone. But if I did anything to make you angry, or anything like that-- I don't know. I'd like the chance to fix it. ~~Things were getting pretty confusing for me when~~ I know that last letter I sent before you left might have been a little, well, too much, and I don't know if I said anything to offend you, ~~or make you feel like I wanted something you weren't~~ , but if I did, please tell me? I mean, I've been waiting a few days between letters, and I guess I just...I assumed you'd say something.

I've been watching the footage from Japan. It looks gorgeous. See you soon, I guess. Heading out to this thing ~~with Becky~~ , but I'll be back late if you can maybe find some time to talk. ~~I'd really like to sort out~~ I guess around noon or one pm your time? 

Steve


	93. suspicious white powder

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: This is slightly less good

okay seriously, does he have the suit over there?

**Drawing the Line**  
Filed under: Money Money Money • Tony Stark • Iron Man • Wipe Your Nose Please • Gossip Is As Gossip Does

 

The internet exploded last night as another round of photos of genius billionaire etc etc Tony Stark’s Tokyo binge weekend hit the web. The pictures allegedly show Stark sitting at a coffee table covered in empty bottles and lines of white powder. Other photos show a smiling Stark bartending for a crowd of Tokyo’s elite. 

The pics were supposedly snapped a high-end party in Roppongi Hills where bouncers at the entrance confiscated all cameras and cell phones – a common security element after Prince Harry’s Vegas expose last summer. 

While some photos clearly show Stark (or a very good lookalike), others aren’t so convincing. 

By the time determined photogs cornered Stark outside the complex Monday morning he wore dark glasses and greeted the photographers with atypical irritation. When asked about the photos in question, Stark responded: “Not my place, not my “suspicious white powder”, not my problem.”

Meanwhile, Pepper Potts is playing it safe – her reps have no comment, and the lady herself apparently stayed in, turning up for business as usual Monday morning in a conservative slate suit and bright red pumps.


	94. LEAVE TONY ALONE

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: This is slightly less good

Look, he says it isn't him. He's having a really rough time out there; I don't think we need to be spreading rumors about our teammate when he could use some support. 

-Steve


	95. Totally your man

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: This is slightly less good

Come on Cap, did you even look at those pix? That's totally your man, he's wearing the same shirt and everything. It might not be a bad idea to reach out and see what exactly he's getting up to... looks kind of bad to have an Avenger binging on hookers and blow...


	96. "My Man"

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: This is slightly less good

Can we not refer to Stark as "my man," as if I have any control over what he does? I know I have a responsibility to the team. I wrote to him after the news hit with Pepper, and a couple times since, and he hasn't replied. He hasn't been answering texts or voicemails. Believe me, I've tried. 

We all know the tabloids exaggerate everything. Until I see some kind of real evidence that ~~Tony~~ Stark is involved in something he shouldn't be-- what do you want me to do, discipline him? I can't issue a formal reprimand without proof. I can warn him in writing if you want me to, but it's not as if he's going to acknowledge receipt, which is part of SHIELD's formal discipline process. I looked it up. 

Becky and I are checking out the Magritte show at MOMA tomorrow afternoon. Here is the link she sent me:

http://www.moma.org/interactives/exhibitions/2013/magritte/

Did you want to come with us? 

Anyway, I'll do what I can, but I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to do about Stark. 

-Steve


	97. Part of the Job

Tony,

The team's pretty upset about some of the articles we've been seeing in the tabloids. I know they're probably not entirely true, but I need to officially register my concern over the matter. Mentions of drug use and other questionable activities reflect poorly on the Avengers initiative overall. You'll be receiving a formal document that I need you to initial and return as per SHIELD guidelines. 

I know you must be going through a lot right now, and I wish I knew how to help. Please tell me if there is anything I-- or the rest of the team-- can do to make this easier. I just didn't want you to get the form without any kind of explanation from me. I am sorry I have to send it, but it is part of the job. 

Let me know how you're doing, would you? At least give me something to tell the rest of them, please?

Thanks,

Steve


	98. you're all over it

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: This is slightly less good

wow, okay, so... sorry?? I wasn't trying to do your job or anything, but it IS your job... sounds like you're all over it. 


	99. Additional Follow-Up

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: This is slightly less good

I know it's my job-- Stark just doesn't always make it easy to do my job. I sent Stark a formal warning for him to initial and return, as well as a personal note to explain that the team is unhappy about his carelessness in regard to his public image. Please let me know if you think the situation requires any additional follow-up. 

Please believe me when I say that I take every aspect of my job seriously. The day-to-day paperwork end of this job, things like public relations and such, are not really my forté, so I am always willing to listen to suggestions, and I do appreciate your note.

\--Steve


	100. Bigger, Faster, Stronger

Tony,

I want to talk to you about Bucky. 

I don't really know how to do this. Have you ever...have you ever known anybody who is just that much better than anyone else you know? 

I learned to stand up to bullies because I was tiny, and sickly, and had no choice. I was an easy target. I usually got my nose bloodied, or my eye blackened, or my lip split. It happened whether I stood up to them or not. So I decided it was worth it to make the effort, no matter how feeble, you know, not to sit there and take it lying down. I dreamed of maybe, someday, being bigger, faster, stronger, being able to protect myself.

Bucky _was_ bigger, faster, stronger. He could have used that to pick on smaller kids, and nobody would have blamed him. The orphanage was pretty dog-eat-dog. You had to fight for your scraps. Somehow, for some reason, though, he decided to fight for me. I don't think I'll ever understand why. He never told me, and I never asked. 

I wasn't much of a sidekick. I was wispy, I slowed him down. I didn't really excel in school. The only thing I could do was draw pictures. But, you know, he pushed me. He sat with me and drilled me through arithmetic, which was always the hardest subject for me. Later, he made me do sprints, taught me to lift weights, everything I could ask him to do in the hope that maybe, maybe someone would let me join the army. 

He made me do things I told myself I hated but really just lacked confidence to do-- took me to parties, to bars, made me talk to girls. I don't think it ever occurred to him that I ~~would rather be talk~~ couldn't do it. He had more confidence in me than I ever would, and he never, ever let me give up on myself. 

We were inseparable, and best friends, but it always felt like he was taking care of me. Maybe that's...my mother took care of me, and then Bucky. And it was all right, because everyone knew Little Stevie couldn't take care of himself-- I knew that better than anyone. And then, suddenly, I was able to take care of other people, and I still failed. He got me through childhood, and adolescence, and I couldn't even get him through a damn war, and that's what I was built to do.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to-- I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. 

Just be good to yourself, all right? Come home soon.

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, guys! 100 letters! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving so many wonderful comments! We are pretty much convinced that we have the best readers. The VERY BEST readers.
> 
> As promised, there is now [an interactive map](https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=zi0jeRS5uJxw.kx_7Ydz8w3Q0) of all the New York-area locations, real and fictional, that are mentioned over the course of the story.


	101. twice the posted speed limit

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: [NO SUBJECT]

Made the papers. Any more news, cap?

...

**Expressway Crash**

 

According to Japanese news sources billionaire industrialist Tony Stark was hospitalized early Thursday morning after losing control of his 2014 custom outfitted black LaFerrari. Stark has been traveling through Japan and participating in a series of conferences and speaking engagements. Last week he attended the World Conference for Peaceful Disarmament, and this week he is attending the Conference of Plenipotentiaries on the “Minamata Convention on Mercury” where he gave a short speech about corporations and social responsibility. 

The incident occurred at roughly 3:15 AM on Thursday morning, when Stark was traveling at a high speed on an expressway in Kyushu's Fukuoka Prefecture. The car reportedly swerved out of control, clipped the center-dividing barricade, and then came to a stop along the edge of the highway, rolling at least twice. Stark was the only passenger in the vehicle.

Stark was extracted from the wreckage taken to a local hospital where he is being held indefinitely and treated for lacerations, whiplash, a concussion, and and a sprained wrist. In a statement made the following morning the Japanese police force stated that Stark had taken and passed a Breathalyzer test in the field. “We have no reason to believe illegal drugs or alcohol were involved in the accident at this time, though the distance traveled by the vehicle suggests it was moving at close to twice the posted speed limit,” they stated. “Mr. Stark is very lucky he was wearing his seatbelt at the time of the incident.”

Japan has a zero tolerance policy regarding alcohol; no person may operate a motor vehicle after consuming any quantity of alcoholic beverages.

Representatives from Stark Industries as well as Ms. Pepper Potts’ personal staff have both refused to comment.


	102. Too Much and Too Little

Tony--

Pepper called. I know this probably isn't how you wanted me to use that debit card, but the hospital won't release you without someone promising to look after you. And yes, when I called, they told me you tried to have some girl you met two nights ago sign you out. They said it had to be someone with an "established relationship." As your friend, I'm worried about you. As your team leader, I have to tell you this is unacceptable. I'd rather handle this as a friend. Fortunately, since I am your team leader, I've been able to requisition SHIELD resources to get me there faster than a commercial flight. Fury's...well, furious. Ha. 

So I'm on the plane now. I feel exhausted. I know, logically, that I don't get exhausted, not the way I used to. But I'm emotionally drained. 

I can't-- I know I'm going to have to issue a formal reprimand, and I don't even know where to start with that. 

I'm honestly a bit angry. This isn't about-- hell, I don't know what it is and isn't about anyone, but I can tell you a few things for sure. 

Hell, I've been sitting on this plane for hours; I've written and rewritten this letter five, six, seven times. Nothing I say is right. It's all too much or too little. Sometimes it's too much AND too little. 

I think I just need to talk to you about all this in person. 

Be there soon,

Steve


	103. Minor Lacerations

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: [NO SUBJECT]

We're at the hotel. He's sleeping. They've got him on a lot of painkillers; we'll see how he is when he comes around. Whiplash, sprained wrist, minor lacerations-- not nearly as bad as I feared, but not pretty, either. 

Look, if someone could delete this one from the server before Stark sees it, I'd appreciate that, but just to keep you all informed, he wasn't drinking. The doctors are more concerned about his mental health than his substance use at the moment, and it's probably a good thing to keep in mind once he's home. 

We need to stay here at the hotel for 72 hours, and they asked me not to leave him alone.

Let me know if there's anything you need me to do. Clint, do you mind checking in on Becky? We had a date...I'm not even sure when, the hours are so confusing. I've been emailing her, so she knows what's going on, but we were supposed to go see _Fun Home_ and one of you is welcome to take my ticket if you want it. 

\--Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Fun Home](http://tickets.publictheater.org/production/?prod=22233) is a play based on the Alison Bechdel [graphic novel](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fun_Home) of the same name, currently playing at the Public Theater in Manhattan.


	104. Tokyo Drifter

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: Accident

Hey, babe-- Did you see this? Is everything okay over there? Is it really this fucked up? Let me know what's going on, kk?

The play was awesome. Clint says hi, btw. Ugggggh I miss you! Are you coming straight home once they let you leave or are you gonna stay over there? If you can leave the hotel at all can you see if you can find me the Bullet Train Pez dispensers? If not, it's cool, I can probably get them on eBay or something but ahhh so cute so cute. 

Lemme know if there's anything I can do from, you know, like a billion miles away.

♥ ♥ ♥

\--Bec

**Tokyo Drifter**  
Filed under: Money Money Money • Tony Stark • Iron Man • Driving Me Crazy • Gossip Is As Gossip Does

 

Anyone will agree - the flood of photographs saturating the gossip circuit this week is enough to tell anyone that the Bad Boy Tony Stark we all know and – well, love to blog about - is back in action. According to local sources, America’s most beloved playboy spent his evenings this week getting thrown out of exclusive night clubs and being photographed in the company of a series of attractive blondes of mixed gender. Stark, a notorious bisexual, drug user and hard partier throughout his youth was thought to have cleaned up his act, but his recent falling out with on-again-off-again girlfriend of two years seems to have turned back the clock. It’s 2001 all over again, people, and that is the stuff of gossip column legends.

This Tuesday morning Stark was involved in a single-car accident in which a vehicle registered to Stark Industries was rolled and totaled. Stark was hospitalized for 14 hours before being declared stable (hah!) - a man speculated to be an out-of-Uniform Captain America was seen on site, guiding his teammate into an unmarked black SUV upon his release from the hospital.

Japanese police maintain that they have no reason to believe alcohol was involved in the accident.

Despite his sideline work as a superhero and role model, fighting alongside the likes of Captain America and Thor to protect and defend the populace of earth, sources close to Mr. Stark suggest this relapse is not unexpected. Indeed, Stark has a long history of unsafe antics, both in his famous armored suit as well as out of it. In recent years he has attracted the attention of multiple terrorist factions and has been surrounded by media firestorms over the use of his suit under the influence, multiple SI factory explosions, New York’s very own alien invasion, and of course for his high-profile romance with PA-turned-CEO Pepper Potts

One source close to the pair states: “Tony has never learned to deal with things in a normal way. He can’t do anything by halves, so of course he’s going to fall apart completely without Pepper around. It’s no secret that he’s a high-functioning alcoholic – it’s incredible he wasn’t drunk when he rolled that car.”

Despite the official reports to the contrary, some critics suggest that Stark paid off the local police to drop charges of intoxication. 

Another mutual friend suggested that this was exactly the type of behavior that lead lead Pepper Potts to drop the axe on their relationship just last week.

”A leopard doesn’t change his spots… nobody is saying Stark isn’t a hero, isn’t an incredible fighter or a great philanthropist – we’re just saying that on a personal level he lacks the ability to cope. Give him a few weeks and he’ll level out again.”

When asked about the tumultuous accusations of infidelity published by US Weekly earlier this month our source shrugged. “I would honestly be surprised if he cheated. Tony Stark is a lot of things – but when he’s in a relationship he’s _intense_ about the person he’s with. He’d do anything for them – _literally anything_ \- so cheating is a little out of character for him. I think it’s more likely Pepper just got tired of picking up after him.”

Regardless of the reasons, Stark has been stripped of his ability to drive in Japan pending further investigation of the accident; no charges have been pressed at this time.

What’s next for Tony Stark? Stay tuned to find out. We doubt you’ll be waiting long.


	105. Fair Warning

B-

I think we have the place to ourselves tonight. Thor and Jane decided to postpone their next visit till Steve's back in town, and Clint's going to the midnight show at Nitehawk with Becky, who is taking this whole new-beau-running-off-without-warning thing charmingly well. 

Tony Fucking Stark and his timing; it's like he planned this. Clint says Becky actually stayed over last night (thank God Steve finally got rid of that particle board Ikea crap), and of course Steve got the call from Pepper two hours after she left. It's as if Stark's psychic or something. Most likely something. Anyway, knowing Steve's streak of Catholic guilt on top of his propensity to want to save everything and everyone, he'll find some way to blame himself for this. What kind of complex is it if you're constantly sacrificing your own well-being? Especially for a child who can't fucking wipe himself?

Meanwhile, Miss Quan is cute as a button. Almost cute enough to make me suspicious, but she cleared all my background checks, and she's got too much of a paper trail for anything to have been wiped. Originally from Seattle, came out here to do the MA in Modern Art program at Columbia, smart as a whip. Manager and part-owner of that gallery we dragged you to, also has a blog on new media art in the age of the superhero which is eminently entertaining as she's been making Steve watch all kinds of artsy movies and liveblogging his reactions. Two parents, both alive, still married, older sister Katie, younger brother Jake. Dad's an eye doctor, mother's a pharmacist, both first-generation Chinese-American. Collects original Star Wars figurines, in the package, has subscriptions to _The New Yorker_ , _The Atlantic_ , a whole slew of art magazines, and _Lucky Peach_. Takes circus arts, kickboxing and pottery classes. Breast cancer so frighteningly young it reminds me I ought to get screened, in remission three years, and she does that whole volunteering at the children's hospital thing on top of that. And she hugs everyone. Real, tight, two-armed, no-awkward-back-patting hugs. She hugged _me_. People are too intimidated to hug me. My dear reader excluded, but it took you a while, and those aren't the same kind of hugs. It's like she's a perfect human being. Clint adores her; I can't find anything to dislike about her. I hope Steve's not that much of an idiot.

So I was thinking, dinner? We could see what's playing at Lincoln Plaza, too. If you want to cook again, that's fine, but I thought it might be fun to go out on a proper date like civilized people. If that's within the bounds of what you're comfortable with--I know it's not what we'd previously discussed, so if not, it's no skin off my nose. Fair warning, if you say yes, I'm not going to wear a lick of underwear, just so I can watch you put up a valiant effort to look at anything but me. Maybe we can find a really boring movie in a really dark, really empty theater and make out in the back row like teenagers. Or we could just enjoy the luxury of blessed, blessed peace and quiet at home. Your call. Either way, you have me all to yourself tonight.

Kisses,

N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Becky went to [Nitehawk](http://www.nitehawkcinema.com), a movie theater in Brooklyn known for their midnight screenings.  
> Natasha wants to go to [Lincoln Plaza Cinemas](http://www.lincolnplazacinema.com/), a great independent movie theater.


	106. a fucking lead balloon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be advised that the next few chapters mention suicide watches, medical emergencies, and decisions about medical emergencies. 106-108 have some discussion of suicide watches (although rest assured that there was no actual suicide attempt), and the medical discussion continues through chapter 111, if that is of concern to you!

Cap – 

I was trying to be nice because you've obviously got your panties in a wad, but you’re really getting on my last nerve here. Did Fury put you up to this obnoxious mother hen routine? Everything is fine – well, it’s not really fine fine but do you have any idea how many cars I’ve crashed over the years? If covert government agencies sent bulky blonde bodyguards every time I rolled a fucking Ferrari I’d be swimming in muscle – which actually, that might be alright, really. I could stand to get my hands on a little muscle – it’s fun to be single again.

But _you_ \- you keep giving me these fucking kicked puppy dog looks which really – I mean what is it with that? What do you want from me? I gave you a ready-made excuse to fly to Japan and feel all manly and protective and shit and you’re acting all bitchy and put out about it. We should be out having a good time, not sitting inside staring at the wallpaper and watching shitty dubbed reruns of Switched At Birth on TV – _seriously_. I bet we could get a decent hookup here. Fukuoka – smaller than Tokyo but totally workable. 

also, you have got to stop checking on me every five minutes. I feel like I'm on a fucking suicide watch. Christ.

I don’t need a mother hen, I don’t need a bodyguard, and I _definitely_ don’t need you OR Fury sticking your respective noses into my personal time as a “team leader” _or_ as a friend. Everyone needs a little time to unwind. ~~what I really need is a quadruple dose of ambien, apparently, to get any fucking sleep.~~

And just in case you think this is about Pepper, well, it’s not about fucking Pepper Potts - she's just as inconsequential as she was the day I hired her. Just like the other 99% of people out there, she got what she wanted and then threw in the towel – get what you need and get out. I mean, I loved her - I gave her fucking ridiculous gifts and took her on fantastic vacations, promoted her egregiously under qualified ass to CEO and blew up literal billions of dollars worth of Iron Man suits to show her I was serious about her – and she turns around and dumps my ass without warning? Fuck that noise. She already had a goddamn _press release written_ about how we’d be great colleagues and stay friends and blah blah blah what the fuck does she think is going to happen when she dumps her boss? She must have been planning this for ages – no wonder she wouldn't fucking move to New York. 

I should really fucking fire her, but the over/under on the stocks would drop like a fucking lead balloon. I don’t even know.

Fuck it - I don’t even miss her. I don’t miss her fucking morning breath or her terrible scrambled eggs ~~or the way she –~~ The sex was lousy too – let me tell you, any woman who looks so fucking prim and proper is gonna be _way_ too uptight to cut loose. Even when you managed to coax her into bed she just fucking gasped and flopped around like a fish out of water and I sure as hell don’t miss THAT. 

Just another notch in the bed post, right? Who cares. 

Anyway, if you read the shit they write about me in the celebrity gossip rags, let me assure you that the accident was JUST an accident. I didn’t pay anyone to fucking hide the fact that I was drinking or some shit, because I wasn’t. I just – I couldn’t sleep and so I thought I’d go for a drive. ~~I don’t really remember~~ I think I must have fallen asleep. 

It was just an accident, plain and simple.

anyway no harm done, a few bumps and scrapes, so can you please quit hovering like a fucking mother hen? I’m not going to break in half if you go out to pick up a pizza.

 

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi gang, rain here - I just wanted to leave a brief note to inform you all that I'm going to be traveling through South America sans laptop for the next month. Tea and I have written ahead so that our daily updates will continue despite my absence; however, please don't be offended if I don't respond to your remarks or questions like I normally do! I promise I will read & answer when I have the opportunity!
> 
> I hope you guys have a LOVELY month and continue to enjoy the fic!!!! I'm really going to miss the riveting discussions that have been happening in the comments section... chit-chatting with you guys is always a highlight of my day. <3


	107. I Thought This Would Be Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains a mention of attempted suicide. Skip to the end for clarification.

Tony,

I'm not here to play anything. ~~I'm here because I l~~ The hospital made me make certain guarantees before they were willing to release you. You _are _on a suicide watch. It's not my decision. Otherwise, they were going to put you in a sleep clinic and psych evaluation, and I thought this would be better.__

I'm trying to give you as much space as I can. The hotel suite isn't that large, though. I had the hotel order groceries. I'll be in the kitchen cooking. I tried to get some turkey since we sort of missed Thanksgiving what with you in the hospital and me on a plane, but the concierge didn't seem to know what it was. They sent up some other things, though. I'm not really sure what to do with rice and squid and seaweed and some other things I don't recognize, but I figured out how to Google for recipes, so I'll find something. It might not be the best, though, just a warning.

I'll take you at your word that this isn't about Pepper. If you want to talk about what it is about, I'm not going anywhere. I'll try to stay out of your hair as much as possible unless you tell me you need me.

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarification: the hospital is concerned about Tony's mental health and put him on a suicide watch. He did not, however, actually attempt suicide-- but Steve doesn't know that. Steve is explaining why they are not allowed to leave the hotel and what he needed to do to get the hospital to release Tony, and offers to stay out of Tony's way unless Tony needs something.


	108. depressing, isn’t it.

Steve – 

Okay, so this is the part where I apologize for making a complete ass of myself. Again. Please feel free to frame this or file it away with the last apology letter I sent you. 

~~(our relationship is getting a little depressing, isn’t it.)~~

1\. I apologize for writing you after hitting the minibar in my bedroom. Turns out booze doesn’t mix well with foreign painkillers. Who knew?

2\. I realize there were a lot of things in that last letter that were ~~a little~~ totally inappropriate to say to you. I shouldn’t have said those things about Pepper because not only is she actually a decent person, I know you two are friends and I’m sure you’ve already let her know you intend to remain friends regardless – I’m really okay with that. I just need some time, I guess, to re-categorize Pep in my head. Cuz yeah, I guess it really IS about her, isn't it.

Sorry.

I don’t know. I think I’m having another mid-life crisis. ~~I can’t~~

3\. I really don't want to talk about what happened in Malibu. ~~I don't want you to think less of m~~

4\. I did read your letters. You were the only person other than Rhodey who bothered to reach out to me when Pep left and that’s both really good of you and also really, really depressing. I guess if I knew me I wouldn’t reach out either; I can be such a dick when I’m pissed, as you have proof in hand. 

When I read your letter about Bucky all I could think was that the vast majority of relationships in my adult life have been with people I paid to be involved in it. You’re the closest I have to a Bucky, which is ALSO incredibly depressing considering that 1) you’re like...almost twenty years younger than me, 2) we’ve only known each other for like... a year, and 3) you’re forced to spend time with me because you have the misfortune of leading Team Avengers. ~~4) I think I'm fall~~

So… yeah.

It was a nice letter though. I felt kind of, I don’t know, privileged that you shared it with me. ~~I don’t know how to tell you that I~~

thanks for coming to get me. You didn't have to. SI would have handled it. 

I'm not sure why you feel a formal reprimand is in order given that what happened has nothing to do with my role as an Avenger but - do what you have to do. It doesn't matter to me.

for what it's worth, I have no idea why they would put me on a suicide watch. People fall asleep while driving all the time. I was probably still jetlagged, it doesn't mean anything. ~~I'm not _that_ unstable~~

I mean, my life is kind of excellent. I know my life is excellent. I'm a billionaire. I'm a super hero. I own a multinational company run by my ~~gorgeous~~ ex girlfriend. The Malibu house was ugly, anyway. it's all, you know. Great.

I'm not really hungry and not feeling particularly thankful. you can leave some leftovers in the fridge if you want.

T


	109. It's What I'm Built For

Tony,

It's all all right. Really. I know you're having a hard time. You know, I can take a few punches if you need to throw them, and I'd rather you aim them at me than anybody else, including yourself. It's what I'm built for, right?

1) Do you need me to take the contents of the minibar down to the desk? I'm not chastising you, just asking if that's something you need right now.

2) It's okay. I'm not going to repeat a word of this to Miss Potts. You do know, though, they called her when you crashed your car. She called me. She can't be getting those kinds of calls right now, because she needs to re-categorize you, too. But we can talk more about that later.

3) I didn't ask you to talk about Malibu. Did someone ask you about Malibu? This is part of why I didn't want them dragging you into a psych evaluation. You can talk to me about what you want to talk about. You don't have to tell me anything that you don't.

4) I spend time with you because I want to. There is a minimal amount of time that I'm actually required to interact with you. The better I get to know you, the more of it is by choice.

I guess this letter sort of devolved away from numbers, and I'm not sure what to number or what goes together. I wrote those letters when you were miles away and not in the other room and I wanted to do something to help, and couldn't just check your status with JARVIS. I wrote about Bucky because it was somehow easier than writing about you when I wasn't sure if you'd ever reply.

Look, I have to issue a formal reprimand because it's in the policy book, endangering a member of the team, including yourself, while off-duty. It has to go on file. There's going to be some kind of penalty. It's part of the job. I don't want to. ~~I just want to keep checking to make sure you're really in the other room.~~

You were gone for a while. ~~I had finally given up on~~ A lot happened, and there are some things I really should talk to you about, but I need to-- I don't know. I really don't know what I'm doing here, but I couldn't just let SI take care of it. I know I didn't have to come, but I wanted to. It's funny, because you asked me if I wanted to go to Japan, and now I'm here and so far I've seen airports, the inside of cars, a hospital, and a hotel. I wouldn't know that I'd left the United States if interacting with the people here didn't make me feel like a clumsy, inarticulate, oversized blond monstrosity.

Dinner's almost ready. I'm not sure what to call it. It's some kind of Asian-fusion-style-paella-thing, I guess. The only time I've eaten Asian fusion was a couple weeks ago when I went to Chop Shop, and I hadn't had paella until I started looking up recipes, so it's not exactly authentic gourmet cooking, but it tastes pretty decent, I think. I'll leave the leftovers in the oven with the warmer on, so they don't get cold. It's perfectly okay if you just want to grab a bowl and go hide. Happy Squidsgiving, I guess. I would apologize for the lack of cranberry sauce but I don't think it would go with the meal. I guess I understand how you feel, but I'm just grateful you're all right. Let me know if you need anything else. 

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve mentions going to [Chop Shop](http://www.chop-shop.co/), a super yummy Asian fusion restaurant in Chelsea.


	110. Time away from the world

Steve,

Dinner was really nice – thanks. I’ve never had Thanksgiving squid before, but it was surprisingly good. Sorry I wasn't chattier. And that I turned up three hours late. ~~I just can't~~ That's just how I roll.

You wear aprons well, by the by. Why have I never seen you wear an apron before?

Regarding your earlier comment, I guess Pep’s still my emergency contact. I didn’t really have time to get that shit sorted out before I left ~~and to be honest, I didn’t even try~~. Look – I don’t really have anyone else to list who’s, you know, available. Would it be easiest to change it to you? If not, that’s fine. You just seem slightly more qualified (and likely to be present) to make critical decisions about life support and shit than my PA.

The minibar is fine where it is – I just have to be careful not to overdo it.

Were you checking on me last night? I woke up to what I thought was the sound of the door opening. I’m not going anywhere, Steve. And anyway, they stripped my rights to drive in Japan, so even if I wanted to all I could do was walk. My neck is aching so bad that moving at all is too much fucking work. I may need another round of drugs before i can sleep, so, you know, if you feel like dispensing...

I’m cleared to fly in another thirty hours; the conference is over by now, so I don’t have any more obligations. I'm amending my previous statement though - you are something I'm thankful for; you put up with my shit, treat me like a human being even when I treat you like dirt, and make me want to be worthy of your friendship. Do you want to go somewhere fun on our way home? You, me, a massive empty beach, hammocks, booze.... I'm thinking we spend a few days at my Hawaii beach house, maybe? You mentioned having never been on a real vacation, I could show you a good time.

Think about it – beaches, pina coladas, surfing, and of course all the hula girls you could ask for. A little time away from the world might be nice, and you can catch me up on what's been happening at home.

Happy Squidsgiving,  
T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we just hit 50k words, 30k hits, 2k comments, 600 kudos and 100 public bookmarks all in the space of about 48 hours. Just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who has been reading, commenting, and reccing the story. So much. Thank you so much. :-D 
> 
> Also, [this is a thing](http://www.tumblr.com/blog/1796whiteboard). Thanks, [lilycobalt](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lilycobalt). And this [Squidsgiving](http://hyvetyrant.tumblr.com/post/66996636469/for-the-wonderful-1796-broadway-dancing). Thanks, [QueenBee4Ever](http://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBee4Ever). And, as long as I'm linking stuff, [Filigree](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigree) wrote a fic for us here: [ Simple And Perfect](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1032871) that is not showing up under "Works Inspired By" even though we approved it, for some read, so thank you for that!!! (We have the best readers. The best. Happy Squidsgiving!)


	111. But there's a 'but.'

Tony,

All right. I've written and rewritten this more times than I can count.

1) Don't worry about it. I understand that you might need time to yourself. You'd see me in an apron more often if you let me cook for you more often. 

2) Yes. Make me your emergency contact, although I think life support decisions are more a power of attorney thing. I set those up with a lawyer a while back; It was one thing I didn't want the government to have control over anymore, so Natasha is mine. If you want me to do that, too, we can talk about what kind of decisions you want me to make, and I promise I will abide by them. ~~Nobody sho~~

3) I couldn't sleep. ~~I was worri~~ I never really slept alone until the war bonds tour, sometimes hearing someone else breathing helps. I came in and slept on your floor. 

4) it helped. See, I have my vulnerabilities and idiosyncrasies, too.

5) I'm not supposed to give you another dose quite yet...if you can hold out another couple of hours, I'll bring you your medication then. Sorry, but you heard the same lecture I did about these pills.

6) I'm thankful for you, too. I know the last month has been hard. You don't need to feel any worse about it. You've been so generous to me, and I can't believe that a few short months ago, we were always at each other's throats. I'm relieved to see you, even if the circumstances aren't the best. ~~I was a little scared you wouldn't ev~~

7) I will go to Hawaii with you.

8) But there's a 'but.'

9) Tony, this has gone on long enough, and we need to talk about it beyond these letters, instead of dancing around the subject forever. I know this is not the best timing. I know you might not be ready for this question right now. But if you're inviting me to go on a vacation, I can't keep skirting the issue, and I'd be doing us both a disservice if I did. I've always been a plain-speaking sort of person. I can't keep pretending I don't notice the things you're saying to me. So I need to ask you: do you want to go to Hawaii with me because you want hula girls, or because you want me?

I could be entirely mistaken, and if I am, you have my apologies for being presumptuous. And I'll accept any answer you give me. I understand that the answer might be more complicated or uncertain than a simple 'yes' or 'no.' 

Steve


	112. no strings attached

Cap – 

I wanted to take you to Hawaii to thank you for dropping everything and flying six thousand miles to check me out of a hospital. You told me you’d never taken a real vacation, I thought this might be something you’d enjoy. You – you have plenty of problems of your own and you don’t really have the time or space in your life to deal with mine – I get that. You like to slow down and enjoy things – I wanted to give you a chance to do something new. 

I don’t know.

I just wanted to do something for you. I tried to send you to school, you said no, I tried to get you a job and you insisted on interviewing, I would offer to share my room with you if it helped you sleep and I thought you wouldn’t find the offer creepy. You're always bending over backwards to help me and I really don't deserve it.

~~listen, I -~~

I was mostly teasing about the girls – I just thought you’d enjoy a luau or two more than the company of a depressive billionaire hanging out alone on a private beach. Personally I'd rather have your company than hula girls any day of the week.

~~I understand if you don’t want me to~~

Listen, I’ve made no secret about my sexual proclivities. I have no desire to change who I am and I’m not going to pretend I'm something I'm not. I do find you ~~extremely~~ attractive, in more ways than one. I can’t help that the things that make you a good friend are things I admire - you’re this island of solid fucking rock in the middle of a rushing river and everything just seems to slide past you – I don’t know how you do it; I never can. 

I never meant to say anything that would make you feel uncomfortable, and I would have stopped making that kind of comment if I'd known the jokes were weird for you - I have a real knack for walking the line and then stumbling right the fuck over it. I meant those comments as kind of a joke, but I guess it's not all that funny considering there's a grain of truth in them. I really enjoy the time we spend together, and you're ~~my only~~ one of my closest friends, so...

~~How could I not -~~

~~you are literally~~

I hope this doesn't fuck with our friendship. I can learn to behave. If you actually want to go to Hawaii, we can go. If you'd rather just take a vacation on your own, or go with the team or something of course that's fine too. I have no idea what I want, but please believe me when I say I expect literally nothing from you, and the offer came with no strings attached. I've always known where I stand with you.

T


	113. The Biggest Mistake

T--

Thanks for--I didn't mean to leave any room for confusion, but I'm not always the best at communicating. There's some things I need to explain to you, because this is more complicated than I'd like it to be, and to be frank, I need some advice, but here's-- 

I know this is the absolute worst timing to say something like this, but I can't knowingly miscommunicate with you. ~~You seem to think things slide off me, but when it comes to you, I can't--~~

The problem isn't that I'm uncomfortable with you. The problem is that I can't decide if you're the biggest mistake I could make, or the best thing I could ask for. Is that clearer?

I realize I might regret this. But at least it's been said. 

\--S


	114. Come to bed.

Look – look, I have no idea how to process this. It sounds like you’re saying you have feelings for me. ~~that can't be right~~

Is that why you’re here? 

I didn’t realize you were even remotely interested in men, let alone me. Please tell me this isn’t some kind of stress-induced sexuality crisis, because I really ~~don't want to be a mistake~~

~~I keep rereading your letters, I can't believe you'd~~

 

 

Okay. No. I want to sober up and sleep before we talk about this. i feel like it’s all coming out wrong and ~~I can't risk~~

Whatever you decide tomorrow, give me this - come to bed with me. I mean that in the most platonic way possible. ~~I'm so fucking tired~~ I sleep for shit when I’m alone and you just told me you’re in the same boat - come to bed, let me wrap myself around you and just sleep. We’ll figure something out in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, friends? It's EXACTLY TWO MONTHS TO THE DAY since your humble authors began this fic. 
> 
> Appropriately-timed post is appropriately-timed. 
> 
> Thanks so much, all of you, for reading along and making this even more fun to be a part of with your amazing, thoughtful, analytical, and hilarious comments. In celebration, we'd like to ask you, if the spirit moves you, to comment back to one of your fellow commenters today! We are so excited to see the discussions and community building in the comments and we want to encourage all of you to get to know each other, because you're all AWESOME.


	115. I Need to be Straight

T--

Until tonight, I thought you knew. I don't-- I thought I had been glaringly, embarrassingly obvious in spite of my efforts not to be. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have said anything. It was unprofessional and inconsiderate and I should have responded with more delicacy. I just--I feel like I need to be straight with you because you were straight with me.

I just didn't know how to talk to you otherwise, without editing myself or couching my language in ways that feel dishonest. This _is_ coming out wrong, and I don't even have the excuse of being drunk.

 ~~I want to, but--~~

~~If that's what you need from me right now, I'm happy to do it, but I need to~~

Are you sure? Of course I'll stay with you if you want me there. 

~~You don't know how much I--~~

~~Tony, I don't think I can--~~

~~I'm not sure it's a good idea if you wrap y--~~

~~I didn't want to tell you this on top of everything else, seeing how unhappy you've been, but I've sort of been--~~

There are definitely some things we should talk about in the morning.

I'll bring you your pills and some water. I've got one more email to send, and then I'll be in.

\--S


	116. Miss you, too

from:Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
subject: Re: Accident

Bec--

I'm so sorry for not replying right away. I've got no excuse except that I've been extremely preoccupied. Thanks for the article. It's really not as bad as all that...Tony's all right, and he was sober, but we need to wait a day or two before they'll let Stark out of the country. 

Look, I know this is last minute, but once Tony's free to go, we might end up going somewhere else for a little while. He's got a house in Hawaii, and I think it might be a good idea to let him recuperate a bit before diving headlong into things in New York. I'll let you know as soon as I have a firmer idea of what's happening. 

Things are hellishly intense here-- we've been in really close quarters, there's been a lot of emotionally strained discussion that's gone in all kinds of directions I didn't expect, and I'm trying to sort it all out. I want to tell you more, but I feel like it wouldn't be right to write it down instead of saying in person, and so much of it isn't really clear to me yet. My head's honestly not where I'd like it to be right now.

I'm not allowed to leave the hotel right now, but I made some calls to the front desk to see if someone can find you those bullet train things. They haven't turned up yet, but I got you the Gundam ones, is that okay? That's the cartoon with those giant robot suits you like, right? 

Miss you, too. I promise I'll make it up to you when I'm back.

Steve


	117. Hug Your Face Off

from:  
Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: Accident

AWWWW HELLO NEW FB PROFILE PHOTO! Hahaha, you even got the clothes right; that's totally what I was wearing the other day. Thank you sooooo much. Steve, you need to get on FB so I can tag you in all the ridiculous things. I have so many pics from the night with the boozey hot chocolate and you have whipped cream on your nose and ugh so cute.

Don't worry about it, hon. I was getting kind of worried when I didn't hear back, but it's not like I don't know what's going on. This shit is super horrible and sometimes you just can't help the timing of the crappy stuff that happens in life. I'm not going anywhere. In the meantime, just know you have super awesome friends-- Clint and Nat have both been super great. People keep thinking Clint is my boyfriend, which is a little weird, but whatever. One of my friends actually asked him if he was Captain America. It was like, whoops, awkward. Way to ever look at a photo, guy.

Holy shit, did you really get Gundam Pez? That's COMPLETELY AMAZEBALLS. Thank you so so so so so so much. 

Stuff here is fine, but, you know. Work and stuff. Clint and I went to _Fun Home_. It was awesome, and the run got extended so we could see it when you get back if you want. I will _totally_ go again. I would say I'm super jealous of Hawaii but it doesn't sound like it's going to be fun!Hawaii. If you want to, like, take a weekend when you get back and go down to Philly or up to Rhinebeck or something, I can try to get someone to cover for me at the gallery. There's also, like, a million Christmas parties coming up, so we can decide which ones we want to go to. Oh, and I want to talk to you about New Year's, because I know you want to watch the ball drop but it's kind of super sketch. There's a bunch of stuff going on that I think will be more fun.

If there's anything else I can do, let me know. I'll just be doing my thing till you're back. Seriously, don't worry about me. It's TOTALLY fine. You can tell me what you need to tell me when you're home. I miss you like crazy and want to hug your face off. 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Becky


	118. Override

Cap--

I know it's the middle of the night, sorry for the override on your StarkPad, but neither of you are picking up your phones. We need to call you in; there's a security breach at the tower; it appears to be aimed at the ARC reactor. I've taken care of clearing Stark's departure with the health service over there; S.H.I.E.L.D. transport'll be there to pick you both up within twenty minutes. Grab your stuff, buzz me when you're on board; I'll brief you then. I'm going to need to know if Iron Man's safe to deal with some delicate work, so if you can get me a status on Stark's condition ASAP, it'll help. I'll handle command until you're up to speed and on the ground.

\--Widow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you know what's awesome timing? When we have a short update planned and itsleanneyall writes a _1796 Broadway-inspired_ fic, [Not All That Platonic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1053743) to keep you entertained after you swear at us (not too much, we hope!). It's her thoughts about what happens pretty much between yesterday's chapters and todays, so it fits in perfectly right here! Go poke your heads over there and give it a read! Thanks!


	119. Black Out All of Manhattan

[LVL SUB-BASEMENT / ARC REACTOR MAINFRAME MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:BANNER.Robert.B., BARTON.Clinton.F., ROMANOVA.Natalia.A., STARK.Anthony.E.]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A little to the left - yeah, that’s the one. We need to lower the cycles per minute before we bring it down or the internal momentum will crack the casing and - well, it won’t be good. So just - slowly! 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’m - damn it, Tony, I _am_ moving slowly. Quit moving the light, I can’t make out the connections properly… why are we on emergency lighting? I thought the readouts suggested a power drop of less than 20%.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s probably a reaction to the fluctuating flow of - SLOWLY - okay, yeah, ease the glass casing up and you’ll see four exposed wires. Take the heat sink and you’re gonna start with the second wire in from the left, detach that and hook this one up to the exposed - _don’t_ let them touch, this shit is delicate, christ - okay, yeah, now the wire to the left and - okay, so this will absorb the excess heat and - 

[crashes and coughing]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Kids, I’ve lost visual. You all right in there?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Iron Man, Doc, report! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still with you, Widow. Just - [coughing]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** No visible incoming, some structural damage to the northeastern wall - is something trying to get in here?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Focus, baby. I’ll take care of any visitors. JARVIS, thermal visual overlay at 3% opacity, don’t blind me with that fucking reactor - okay, excellent. Brucey, crank the heat sink and when our readout hits 150 RPM we’re doing the same maneuver on the opposite side. Except go in from the left, yeah, here - I can probably - ah, fuck, ow! okay, no, you’d better hook this up. Yeah, just - good. Okay, 240 CPM and dropping.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ah, we’ve got incomiiiii--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** What the hell are those things? Barton! Stark, is that structural damage anything we have to worry about?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** They look like fucking flying plumbBobs. I’ve got one, here-- right! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Flying _whats_ , Hawkeye? Can one of you hook me up with a visual? I’m still hours out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry I abandoned you, Cap, but my sweet armor trumps all other aircraft, private or otherwise when it comes to speed. I doubt there will be anything left for you by the time we're done here. POW! Nailed one! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Ah, sorry, Cap. Give me thirty seconds. Sims. It's a game where Barton makes little cartoon versions of himself and then watches himself do chores he would never do in real life. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Watch it, Widow, or I'll make Sim-you get a job as a hairdresser. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** 195 and dropping. 194…. 190…. Wait, does Hawkeye have a sim me?! 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Um, duh. Sim Stark is the Barton house's executive toilet scrubber. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Stark, is it supposed to be dropping, or is that bad? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hawkeye..... You just, you suck. 

Widow, it's fine. You can’t hard shutdown something with this kind of energy output, it needs to cycle down and offset heat before we hit the killswitch. You don’t wanna see what it looks like when one of these babies goes off the rails.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Oh, good, thanks for explaining your jargon with more jargon; it’s all so clear now.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** The structural damage, Tony, those ribs aren’t load bearing are they?

[Stones falling, coughing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, should be fine - ah, fuck, freaky diamond thingies incoming...someone knock em down? Cap - you reading my visual feed?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Got it, T--thanks, Iron Man. Are you sure that’s...that doesn’t look stable from here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bruce, eyeball those readings, I’m gonna go do a little welding and make sure the roof doesn't drop in on us . JARVIS, right repulsor at 10% light, maximize heat output ----- yeah, yeah, I know, the glove can be mended. Override those warnings, do I look like I give a shit? Okay, I’m gonna try and fuse that loose left girder to the paneling behind it - 

[repulsors hum, IM groans in pain]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Ow, fuck, those things spray acid. I’ve got it down; it’s some kind of remote-controlled drone; there’s a camera annnd...it’s transmitting sound to somewhere. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m counting sixteen more from here-- ha, fifteen! 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** We hit 150, Iron Man. I’m attached the secondary sink.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Go for it. Opposite side in, remember? Ground it before you complete the hookup, tell me when it’s dropping again. Ideally we’re under 75 CPM, maybe 60 to be on the safe side.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** THIRTEEN-- ah! I almost got beaned with a hunk of column, boys. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** AH, shit - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hawkeye, look out for that one right---Stark, what’s the matter?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ahead of you, Cap. Hey, I told Becky you’d be back tonight; she thinks she left her earrings in your room?

[sound of metal creaking and crashing to the ground, repulsors shut off]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ngh - fuck fuck fuck! Who the fuck is Becky?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Down to ten! Iron Man, report!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Steve didn’t tell you about his girlfriend? Nine!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Girlfriend?_ Cap has a - ?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t kno-- I, ah-- son of a bitch! Look out there! 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Down to 83, 82 - what am I doing next, Iron Man? Why - your hand is smoking. That’s…. not supposed to happen, is it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Suit’s having a hard time displacing heat - repulsors use light to eliminate heat, less light equals more - shit, fuck, my joints are fused, I need to get this thing off, _augh_

[clanking, a cracking sound, metal hitting the ground again]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** god, that’s the ticket, _fuck_. Ow. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** That looks nasty, Stark - you need to - 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Later, just, later. Console, now - bring up the data entry terminal, enter my access code username ASTARK. Access code 9973d92pmw8q664, hold shift and hit enter to bring up full diagnostic mode.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I can handle the software; Doc, put a fucking bandage on Stark’s hand. Hawkeye, you’ve got the bots?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Down to seven. You think they’re recording this conversation? Change Stark’s password, while you’re at it, Nat.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Random alphanumeric,15 characters minimum. Give me ten seconds to stick it in my brain. Doc - doc the hand is fine, seriously, don’t - the gauntlet’s a hell of a brace for the sprain, just leave it be!

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** At least slap a coolpack on it, those blisters are nasty.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Yeah, you’ve got flesh showing, Stark. Password changed; I’ll give it to you later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, god. Why did you make me look? You should never look at shit like this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** TONY, THAT IS NOT FINE. FOR ANY GIVEN DEFINITION OF FINE.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not your problem, Cap.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It is my problem when the team’s software engineer insists on not having any hands to--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Ahem, diagnostic mode up, Stark, what do you need me to do? I’m getting three errors here, one critical?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I want the whole fucking thing offline. I don’t give a shit if we black out all of Manhattan to do it, I’m not letting anyone play house in my fucking system while I take the time to debug. Enter the following keystrokes - F4 F7 enter enter, then in the /run field enter /reactorshutdown/334_7.lli and follow it with /totalsystemshutdown.lli - hit enter and read me the message text.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Five-- fo--fuck! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Hawkeye, report? I’ve got it, Stark...it says initiating shutdown...I assume I’m hitting “Y” for “Do you want to proceed,” all right, it says it’s preparing the partitions for shutdown, countdown is at three minutes thirty seconds. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m fine; those things spray some nasty shit, don’t they? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Any way I can get a sample of that stuff? Quit squirming, Iron Man - it’s just going to hurt more. Unclench the fist - yeah, like that.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Saving you a couple mostly intact ones, Doc. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good, Widow, perfect - ugh, that’s a shit time. Should have dropped the cycles further. JARVIS, I need you to hook into that broadcast signal and figure out what they’re transmitting - JARVIS? JARVIS, hello - shouldn’t have been enough heat to compromise the OS…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Iron Man, are you having problems with your AI? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Three! Three licks to get to the center of a fucking acid-spitting what-the-fuck. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, maybe the - oops, there he is. Hey J, that was weird, you feeling alright? I think maybe the heat … mmhmm… oh, of course. The power dropped at the building and he had to reboot from backup. Looks like we’re good here for the moment. Once we’re offline I’ve got more work to do - one of you needs to stay, I’ll grab my Starkpad and we’ll go to town.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Down to two of these suckers.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I can stay; Doc, do you mind covering me, just in case we run into more trouble?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** You know I never mind, Widow.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** You’re a darling, Doc. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** One, and zero--

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}} 

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}


	120. I Couldn't Parse his Jargon

Director: 

This afternoon, November 30, at 1300 EST, the Tower's security system alerted us to a breach of the ARC reactor mainframe controller unit. 

I called Iron Man and Captain America in from Japan. Stark was still under a medically-ordered surveillance at the time; I brokered with Japanese authorities for his release. Iron Man flew in with the use of his suit; Captain America took SHIELD transport, but did not arrive on the scene until the situation was resolved. He did, however, look on and support via live video feed.

Banner, Barton, Stark and myself were on the ground. We did not find it necessary to call in Thor from London.

The Avengers team worked to locate the source of the breach. Under direction from an injured Iron Man, Dr. Banner and I rebooted the reactor's systems. During the reboot process, we were attacked by miniature computerized drones. Agent Barton dispatched the majority of these with relatively little effort and minor injuries to Agent Barton and myself. 

During the process of bringing down the reactor cycles (ask Stark for more information if it's required-- I couldn't parse his jargon), some small structural damage occurred. Iron Man successfully corrected the damage, but injured his hand during the process-- he looked to have sustained considerable burns. 

Stark seemed somewhat distracted in the field; however, he was in much better shape than I had expected. I do not think that he poses a serious danger to himself or to the team at the moment. 

The small drones were hexagonal bipyramids in shape, made from a combination of high carbon steel and rubber, with a hollow capsule from which they deployed small amounts of highly concentrated hydrochloric acid. They also were outfitted with transmitters, although it appears that the damage to their shells has made it difficult for our team to follow the signals to their receiver. 

I've sent two of the most-intact drones to be processed by the SHIELD laboratories and asked that you be included as a recipient for reports of any findings. 

Let me know if you require anything else.

\--Widow


	121. Funny Creatures

N – 

Thanks for surprising me last night – I would feel a bit guilty that you have to do all of this climbing through the air ducts to get to me without the team noticing, but not quite guilty enough to ask you to stop.

I’ll be honest, Natasha – waking to your hands and your mouth and hearing your smile in your words as you press into my bed… we’ve come such a long way since the battle of New York. I feel like there’s little I can do that would appropriately express how much I enjoy your company; you’re a constant source of steady comfort in my life. 

Aren’t we funny creatures? We naturally strive for connections, and once we begin to feel anything – affection, anger, devotion, and frustration – the instinct to reveal our inner workings becomes overpowering. And though we might share out of a desire to uplift someone we care for, the act of sharing places on that person a burden of expectation of action or reciprocation, suggests need. 

I know about burdening others with the weight of your own emotion. 

You – you are this incredible soul built of control and care, and no amount of personal satisfaction is worth handing you another burden to bear. 

I will say, though - and you being you, already know it - that I’m very, very glad to have you in my life.

 

B


	122. Samurai-Inspired Iron Man Suit

T--

 

Banner told me you took off for the house as soon as the shutdown was completed.  I--

 

Look, do you want me to come out there?  Do you want me to send Banner out?  I don't know if I should be leaving you alone ~~after the whole~~  I--

 

I'm sorry.  I-- when I said I had things I needed to talk to you about, I didn't anticipate--  I'd still like to talk to you, I just-- I never meant for that to happen.  I understand if you don't want me around right now, I--  

 

Is your hand all right?  It looked pretty terrible on the video.  Banner says he's concerned about it; I just-- did you see anyone for it?  I still have the rest of your painkillers.  

 

Are you all right?  I'm going to take a shower, tell me if I should ride out.

 

\--S

P.S.

I got back to my room and there were postcards waiting. They must have come after I left for Japan. Thanks, you know. I'm not sure how I feel about the hat, but I think a Samurai-inspired Iron Man suit would be pretty incredible. It makes me a little sorry I didn't actually get to see the country. Next time, I guess.

 


	123. the world would keep turning

Cap – 

I’m not all right. I’m fucking pissed as hell.

Clint told me about Becky. Did you really fly six thousand miles and crawl into bed with me when you have a girlfriend waiting in New York? Was that just some Stockholm syndrome-y attempt at comfort, or were you just afraid I'd jump out a window if you said no? 

Don’t fuck with me, Steve. I don't need your pity or your secondhand affection, or whatever that was. I’m not gonna play second fiddle to some doe-eyed damsel in distress you picked up on a night out on the town with _me_. The press would have a field day with that, and believe it or not as little as I care about what those shitheads say about me I’m fucking sick to death of people asking why I cheated on the woman who broke my fucking heart. I’m not gonna be the guy that destroys your relationship too. ~~Just – why can’t you just~~

I just don’t understand what you’re after – you backed me into a corner and made me admit how I feel about you and you aren’t even available? After the hellish month I had? I freaked out when I read your letter – I was sure I’d ruined our friendship because I couldn’t get a grip. I thought you were straight as an arrow and would kick me to the curb the minute you realized how I felt – and you wouldn’t cop to your feelings until I asked outright and even then it was the most backwards freaking admission of affection I've ever heard in my life. ~~Did you even mean it~~

And when I read your clarification I felt like, for the first time since Pepper left, maybe the world would keep turning ~~and there was someone out there who -~~

~~Just, fuck you.~~

Is Becky why you called me the biggest mistake you could make? Inquiring minds would like to know, Cap. 

 

T


	124. For The Record

Tony,

~~This is not about Becky.~~

~~I asked you. You didn't ask, you never asked. You not only didn't ask me, you would have been perfectly content to~~

~~I realize I didn't handle this even remotely well, but you're being an insufferable~~

I am sorry. I handled this terribly. I know it doesn't help for me to say that I was planning to talk to you about everything in the morning, because that didn't happen. I understand why you feel the way you do. I behaved tactlessly and unprofessionally and I put our working relationship, and more importantly, our friendship, at risk, because I panicked and acted on an impulse. Apparently no one bothered to chemically enhance my ability to navigate emotions or delicate interpersonal situations. My timing was bad, my sensitivity to your personal situation or needs was nil. Everything I said was in complete earnest, but that doesn't mean I didn't behave selfishly.

~~I asked you because you almost died. Everyone keeps~~

What do you want me to do? I will do literally anything in my power to make amends. I don't know what I can do.

Is your hand all right? Did anyone look at it? I only saw it on the video feed, but it looked pretty ugly.

Steve

PS For the record, I wasn't thinking about Becky when I said that. I was thinking about the fact that sometimes being around you is like staring into the sun. 

PPS I know I probably shouldn't say that, but it's not as if things could be worse than they already are.

PPPS I am still incredibly sorry.


	125. You get under my skin

Okay. Okay, just – 

I just want to make clear that I’m not sorry that you told me – I mean I would have wanted to know if I’d known there was something to know. I mean – Captain America has a crush on me. That’s the stuff of teenage fantasy made real – and you’re way more than what I’d imagined Captain America could be, so it’s like – a super fucking bonus. Icing on the cake. A muscly muscly beefcake.

Sorry, maybe – I thought whiskey would help but I’m not sure it’s fixing anything. I'm just so pissed - at myself, at you, at this Becky bitch- 

This doesn’t have to fuck our working relationship, or friendship, or anything really – we’re grown men, we can ~~probably~~ figure that part of it out no matter what happens. We committed some seriously Enders Game-y levels of alien genocide to protect the planet , faced off with a rogue Asgardian god – surely we can handle a little unresolved (and, I might add, resolvable) sexual tension. Not gonna lie, its been going on for ages anyway, Cap and Iron Man can totally deal. 

I just don’t quite know what you want from me. I – I really do care about you. You get under my skin like nobody else, and when we spend time together all I want to do is prolong it – I guess that’s really why I wanted to invite you to Hawaii, because things seem better when you’re around.

I don’t know if you’re telling me you want to be with me romantically, or if this was just some kind of weird gay pity party to – I don’t know, boost my self esteem after an accident my doctors seemed to think was a suicide attempt (but which totally wasn’t) – I don’t know what to make of this Becky chick either, I am all for spreading the love but Clint made it sound like you were dating and not just fucking, so I don’t

Sorry, sorry, tangent. 

But you were right – ask anyone. I’m a huge fucking mistake. You’re young, and healthy, and sharp as a tack. You don’t really know many people your own age – I mean maybe you just want me because I’m available, you know? I know you don’t share the pop culture and shit of the Millennial generation but you haven’t really tried, have you. Just ask pepper what it’s like – she’ll give you a fucking laundry list of reasons to stay the fuck away.

Sorry. I guess I just mean that I understand you sticking with what's her name. I google stalked her – pretty hot, needs more junk in the trunk if you know what I mean but you could do worse, you know.

Sorry, this is getting weird

I just - I’m sorry too. I never meant for you to find out about this. I knew it would just fuck us both up. ~~I’m so fucked~~

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> TODAY WE ARE THANKFUL FOR ALL YOU AWESOME PEOPLE!!!! <3
> 
> Lots of love from Rainproof and Teaberryblue.


	126. Despite Your Protestations

T--

Thanks. For responding without anger, I guess. 

I'm not sure what to tell you because I can't say I know what I want. I'm also not sure I understand parts of your letter entirely, but I feel like I get the gist of it. 

I…look, it was still pretty poor judgment for me to say anything. I'm just so out of my element. It's not a crisis or pity or anything like that, but I don't honestly know what I want. I wasn't really expecting you to answer me the way you did, and then you did, and this probably sounds stupid, but I think I'm so used to rejection that I wasn't prepared for any other response. And I still don't know what to do with what you did tell me.

I don't know what I want from Becky, either. It's not just you. Have you ever known anyone who just runs headlong into everything they do, and grabs your hand and drags you along despite your protestations, and then suddenly you realize you're enjoying yourself? She's like that. She just sort of...happened, unexpectedly, and I'm not saying I don't like it. She's smart, she's funny, she's irrepressibly happy, she makes me do things I wouldn't do on my own. Please don't be angry at her, and don't call her a bitch. You don't know her, and this is my fault, not hers. I'd offer to-- she's asked to meet you at least a dozen times. And to be honest, I'm confused about what she wants from me. Sometimes she moves much too fast for me; sometimes it seems like she's hesitating. But I...I don't know. I might not have left my room this past month if it wasn't for her. I feel like I need to at least be as honest with her as, well, I _intended_ to be with you. As I'm trying to be now.

I wouldn't say I'm fucked up. But I'm not used to anyone being attracted to me. Not because they genuinely like _me._ I certainly don't know what to do with two people. I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to handle this at all. 

I guess the right thing to do is to just talk to you both about it, and figure out how, exactly, each of you want to fit into my life. But I need to talk to Becky about Becky, and I need to talk to you about you. When I said that I needed advice, this is exactly what I was talking about. Because of course, asking you for advice about this is a _fine_ decision. 

~~I don't think either of us are~~ I don't think I'm fully recovered from, well, waking up to find out everyone I know is dead. I don't mean to put it bluntly. The woman I sort of thought I'd marry is ninety-two years old. I spent six months picking up the phone every day. Three times, I managed to get through dialing all of the numbers. The one time I let it ring, I got her answering machine. I didn't leave a message. I feel like if she did answer, I'd hang up. 

I keep wondering what she must think, seeing me on television and magazines. But it's not my place to suddenly insert myself back into her life uninvited. 

I found one other person I know who's still alive, a close friend from my school. He got married to his husband two years ago, the first day it was legal, at ninety-three years old. I keep thinking about that, that he waited the entire time I was in ice. 

That's all. Everyone else is dead. So I'm having a hard time deciding what I want because it feels like I can't count on anything to last. I guess it's part of why I bought that shitty furniture you hate in the first place. Committing to, well, anything, even little things, in a place that doesn't seem real yet, when you feel like things could change at any second without warning, is a little difficult, I guess. 

I guess I'm not talking to you about you. Maybe you should talk to me about you. 

You're going to make me regret that line about mistakes as long as I know you, aren't you? 

\--S 


	127. Against my better judgment

~~steve -~~

S -

I – do you need to talk to someone? Did SHIELD assign you a counselor? I’m only asking because I am drunk as shit and probably not equipped to have the conversation we should have about this at this exact moment. I’ll probably try though, against my better judgment. It beats the hell out of programming – I think my eyeballs have dried out. I'm trying to install JARVIS in the new mansion mainframe I built last night but I can't get it to take right. ugh.

 

I wish I knew the right thing to say or – I just want to remind you that all those lives are lives you missed but they aren’t lives that didn’t happen. There were good things and bad things are horrible things and weddings and grandkids and Christmases and you … yeah, you would have been there, part of all those old crumbled up black and white photos, but they got on alright without you. i don't mean that in a mean way i just mean - i'm sorry. I guess it just seems like a life is a life and yours brought you here. I’m not really an “everything happens for a reason” kind of person – but when you’re an engineer you learn to build things with what you have, not with what you don't have. _You_ of all people can build things with what you have.

It’s – hard when you can’t say goodbye to someone you love. And people say these trite things like “at least they had a fulfilling life” which just – fucking piss you off you know, because it might have been fulfilling but there could have been more. At least – well your friend waited until he was ninety-three to get married, but he got that wedding eventually, right? I’m sure he’d want you to be happy for him instead of feeling sorry for him. The act of marriage hardly guarantees happiness, but I GUARANTEE YOU he enjoyed the wait. the wedding cake was just a cherry on top, or some other stupid sentimental metaphor, I don't know. 

This place will be real for you eventually. I want to help Let’s go to the central park zoo, like you wanted. I’ll make you eat shitty corndogs and take photos in the photograph booth and we can throw peanuts at the elephants and wow the school groups and shit.

I'm still mad. I wish I wasn't, it sort of hurts being angry with you - god, I AM drunk, Who the fuck even says that to a guy with a girlfriend? 

I didn't really mean to call her a bitch. It's just hard because it feels like we were so close to working our shit out and then bam, there she was. 

 

 

Look. Talk to becky about becky, until then we can just – we can be friends, steve. Please let us be friends. I can be whatever you need me to be, mistake or otherwise, and you can decide what you want to regret.

T


	128. Now. I mean it.

T--

S.H.I.E.L.D. assigned me someone, yes. But I'm not sick, you know, I'm doing pretty well, for the most part, and talking to a stranger just seems self-indulgent when, you know, there are other people who actually need it. I don't really have that many strong feelings, not anything I can't handle on my own, and when things seem like they ought to be really difficult, it's funny, but I just sort of stop feeling anything, so I can mostly just get on with things. Sometimes I wonder if that's the serum, if maybe it makes it possible for me to operate at full capacity and not feel the full weight of tragedy. Sometimes I think maybe human beings are just surprisingly resilient. Either way, I'm in control. Mostly. I never let things get away from me for too long. 

Have you eaten since you got to the house? Stop what you're doing and eat something. 

I know they lived their lives. I am acutely aware that I wasn't there for them. I don't…I'm happy for them. It seems like a minor miracle that Arnie lived long enough to get something so many people had to miss. It's more…people talk about Bucky, because they understand that I watched him die. They talk about how hard it is to adjust to everything new, as if understanding the microwave oven or knowing who the Simpsons are is going to make it easier. They act as if the problem is in the new things that are here, not that everything I know is gone. 

I guess I'm not such a good rock in the river after all. Captain America is a good enough rock in the river for both of us. 

I assume you are still reading this letter instead of eating, so go eat now. I mean it.

We're not going to the park when you're too drunk to drive back to New York, so let's plan on doing that tomorrow. I'd like that. I guess…I it's funny, having this distance in letters, and knowing eventually we'll be in the same room again, but that all these things have been said in the meantime. 

Tony, I don't have that many friends. I'm not going to discard the one I'm closest to because of a quarrel over my own bad judgment. A couple of letters ago, you said something about just wanting to prolong time together. We can start with that, since I think it's the one thing we're both certain we want. I can't promise I'll figure out the rest anytime soon, but I will be trying. I suspect you'd benefit from some time, too. (And may I remind you, a few short months ago, you were adamant that we were not friends and you didn't want to be anywhere near me if you could help it. You know your penthouse got finished while you were gone? I haven't set foot in it...I couldn't quite bring myself to. Anyhow, it may just be an inkling, but I somehow can't see you hiding away and never showing yourself now.) ~~If you still have trouble sl~~

Give my best to JARVIS and tell him I hope he likes the mansion. 

Really. Now. Go eat something. If there's nothing you know how to cook, I left a couple sealed boxes of breakfast cereal there the last time we were out. I have drawn you a manual illustrating how to open them if you need it. And sleep. I'm going to see if Becky's free for dinner and try to lay this all out for her, because I obviously haven't spent enough time talking about my laughable inability to manage my personal affairs. And I'll see you tomorrow.

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of yesterday, _1796 Broadway_ is the **most-commented Steve/Tony fic on Ao3**. We're super delighted and just wanted to thank you all so much for taking the time to read and leave so many wonderful comments-- it really means a lot to us. --T  & R.


	129. I need a kill switch.

Look - counseling is not just for sick people, it's for anyone who might need a little help working shit out - Pepper spent years telling me that not-feeling is a serious sign of neurosis; of course, then she MADE me feel and fucking punched me right in the heart, so what the hell does she know anyway. I just - I told you I'm not good at this sort of thing and it might actually help you - maybe you should give it a shot before writing it off. it's not self-indulgent to ask for a little backup.

Then again I'd much prefer not feeling at all to feeling this way. I wish people were as well-organized as machines, i need a kill switch or something.

I'm busting my ass down in the bunker. Still no luck with JARVIS so I've stripped the terminal down to a text-only input terminal to see if I can get his base systems on and then piggyback on the tower's resources to figure out where my issue is. I hate making mistakes - I'm too fucking smart to allow for errors in my work. I'm just so fucking strung out at the moment and I can't get this fucking thing online -

There's some pretty incredible stuff in here. I've ordered in some track lighting but it's kind of awkward to install one handed; I just propped the units up and am using them as flood lights. This place isn't as big as I thought it was but it's absolutely full of shit. I found what looks like a puzzle box that's like, six by two by two - almost coffin shaped, really, but with no discernible way to get in. There's some kind of crazy looking Japanese sword - the hilt and all has rotted away but the tang is beautifully inscribed... there's some stuff that looks egyptian, maybe, with this weird metal snake thing, that I probably shouldn't be touching, and probably... thirty? Maybe forty different keys of all sorts of shapes and sizes; they're numbered, so there must be an index around here somewhere. I also found a really grandiose sort of cabinet thing that refuses to open - I feel like I could pop the mechanism but my wrist is absolutely killing me, so fuck all that noise. I keep half expecting a dead body to turn up in a box or something, nothing would really surprise me at this point.

There are also a bunch of old rolled up maps and what look like sketches and photographs of ruins, maybe from South America? I don't think he spent any time there when you knew him but he was apparently a pretty busy guy in the fifties. There's one picture of him here in the world's douchiest Indiana Jones knockoff hat. Christ. 

okay. ~~i hope you~~ go have fun with ~~that fucking~~ Becky. ~~i'll just be here~~ I'll see you tomorrow. I'm bringing a few of the smaller items here back to the tower to keep me entertained.

 

T


	130. Your Serenity is My Undoing

B--

I could sit beside you, inches apart  
And tremble with the frisson that passes,  
Electric,  
From you to me and back again  
As if we close a circuit  
whenever we are in proximity,  
And we breathe out tumult  
And breathe in equanimity:  
A balanced system.

I could make you laugh:  
Once so rare, it still feels like a reward,  
The curve of your lips a ribbon,  
The glimmer in your eyes winking gold.

Your serenity is my undoing.

I watch your eyes go soft, glance downward, shutter slightly, and all my attempts at poetry disintegrate into lists of wants.

I want to press my lips to the convex of your clavicle, hear the soft growl that rises from the back of your throat.

I want to count the creases in your brow, to tuck my chin against your chest, my head against the curve of your neck. 

I want to bury my teeth in your shoulder, rake my fingers across your spine, kiss you until my lips are swollen and bruised. 

I want to fall asleep bathed in the light reflected off your flushed skin, ears full of the sound of your gradually slowing breath.

\--N

P.S. I enjoy climbing through the ventilation system. It keeps me in practice; plus, I've figured out how to dismantle Stark's surveillance without alerting the central system. 

And you must know your presence makes me lighter and free of burdens, your sentiments and expressions reciprocated without question. I couldn't be burdened by anything you would share with me. We always find equilibrium, you and I.


	131. Here, Back, Settled

Becky--

Disregard my previous email; Clint said he told you I'd be back in town-- I'm here, back settled. Look, I'd love to see you tonight if you're free. I know it's short notice, but come over to the Tower; I’ll make you dinner. I picked up some salmon at Whole Foods and I've got really good oatmeal chocolate chip cookies courtesy Clint and Natasha; did they give you any yet?

I really want to talk to you. It's been a rough few days, and I'm feeling pretty conflicted about some things. It's-- well, it's nothing that has to be bad, really, if we can figure it out, but I think it's the kind of thing that we should talk about in person. If tonight’s no good, let me know if there’s another day-- but we have those _Sleep No More_ tickets, so I'd like to try to talk before then.

See you later?

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sleep No More](http://www.sleepnomore.com) is an immersive theater production.  
> [This](http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/columbuscircle) is the Whole Foods Steve is shopping at.


	132. Keeping Your Chin Up

Hey, hon--

Oh, yeah, I was gonna head to Greenpoint with some people, but whatever, North Brooklyn. I'd much rather see you, you know that, silly. Salmon sounds perfect, haha, I love that you get back from Japan and want to cook fish. You've been sounding kinda broody, though, are you keeping your chin up?

Look, whatever is bothering you, we can talk about it.  IDK what the problem is, but seriously, you had the worst week.  This kind of stuff's normal, whatever, we'll work it out.  I mean, if there's anything I can do for you, or if you need a little space, don't worry.  I’ll be over around seven and I'll bring the wine-- we still have, like, half a case or that Oregon Pinot you liked left over from the last opening.  Yum. 

  
♥♥♥♥

\--Bec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Whatever, North Brooklyn](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greenpoint,_Brooklyn)


	133. It's a gossip blog, but, erk.

From: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
To: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))

Hey, so, I'm gonna be at the Tower tonight, but I think the boy and I need some time alone. He seems really freaked out by this whole thing (and rightly so). Do you mind keeping an eye on him? I haven't forgotten about ice skating, but I want to find out if Steve wants to go first; if he's not up to it, I might just bring movies over or something. Saturday, right?

Second, I kind of feel like it would be in poor taste to ask Steve about this right now, but this jusssst came up on my Tumblr and I was wondering if there's any grain of truth to it? Do you know who the guy is? I mean, if this is why Tony crashed his car, that suddenly makes a lot more sense, doesn't it? I know it's a gossip blog, but, erk.

\--Bec

_Hot on the heels of Tony Stark's madcap turn as a one-man Icona Pop impersonator (seriously, if we knew all we had to do to get Captain America's attention was crash our car into a bridge, we would have done it a while ago!), the billionaire's returned to Manhattan, where, we've been told, he's put the finishing touches on a four-story penthouse apartment at the top of Stark Tower (or is it Avengers Tower? Someone make up their mind!) with the intention of making the Columbus Circle address his new permanent residence. Are "improvements" to the new pad what triggered blackouts in Midtown Manhattan last night? With Tony Stark, who even KNOWS?_

_(Remember the last time Tony Stark lived in New York? We don't! But we're told it was EPIC. Now, coming off his breakup with Stark Industries CEO Pepper Potts, we're expecting a holiday season for the record books)_

_Speaking of Ms. Potts, the HBIC at Stark Industries is now pretty much the most eligible bachelorette on the planet, and gentlemen are starting to take notice. Potts, 39, has been seen repeatedly in the company of an unidentified "tall, dark and handsome" Stark Industries employee. Ms. Potts was said to be mixing business with pleasure on the deck of her new, single-lady Malibu digs. (We'd like to point out here that Ms. Potts' installation in her new home appears to have caused ZERO power grid interruptions. We guess it's tough to even stay in the drama queen game when your competition is Tony Stark.)_

_Representatives for Ms. Potts had no comment on the budding relationship. We'd ask Mr. Stark, but we figure we'll hear about it in some appropriately loud, obnoxious, and explosive way identifiable by the emergency vehicles, paramedics, highway shutdowns, and costumed superhero appearances._


	134. Boyfriend Material

**[LVL 41 / COMMON QUARTERS MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G; QUAN.Rebecca]**

****

**{{BEGIN SURVEILLANCE}}**

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, uh...hi...give me a minute, I’m sticking the fish in the oven. I...read this recipe for papillote, I'm trying it out? 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Papillote?! You’re full of surprises. Ugh, I feel bad having you cook for me, you must be exhausted. Give us a kiss?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no, I like coo-- Oh. Uh. Oven mitts off. Right. Hi. 

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Mmmm - there. Not quite the welcome I had in mind, but it’ll do in a pinch. You look tired, babe - is everything alright?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, I...sorry. Check...sauce...I...yeah. Tired. I haven’t really been sleeping, and going to Japan and back so quickly like that, time zones...we had a problem with the reactor earlier; Tony’s hurt…

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** And you picked tonight to try your hand at papillote?! Most people are sick of cooking the week after Thanksgiving, but then, I’m kind of sick of leftovers. Steve, I wouldn’t have minded waiting a day to see you. Is Tony alright? I heard on the radio that they were evacuating sections of midtown.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no, I wanted to-- I was in Japan, so, you know, I made squid for Thanksgiving. They barely wanted to release him from the hospital, and then he burned his hand...I don’t know...he was apparently all right enough to take off for Long Island by himself before I got back. 

I just...I needed something to keep my mind off it. I mean the cooking. I mean, cooking to keep my mind off it, not keeping my mind off the cooking.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh god - yeah, you know I read about his accident. He’s really having a tough time; I bet he just needed a little space. I read that Miss Potts is apparently dating again, too - you know, if Tony wanted company, I have plenty of friends who’d love to meet him. Do you think that’d help him get back on his feet? Post-war-wounds, of course.

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah, hell...get me a cloth, will you? I...Becky, you really want to set one of your friends up with a man who went through that many women-- and men-- in a _month_? I don’t...and, no, I saw that blog thing. Pepper’s not dating, Reed’s a friend of Tony’s...he’s doing contract work for Stark Industries, and he’s very, very married. I've never seen his wife, but... Tony...I don’t know. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Ehh, he could get tested. Steve, come on, he should have some fun, breaking up sucks. People react differently. I’m just saying maybe someone low-key and out of the lime-light would be good, get him out of hook-up mode and back into the game. And what's the worst that can happen? According to, like, everyone on the internet, he's amazing in the sack, so whatever, they'll have a really good dinner story?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I _really_ don't want to think about Tony-- 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, god, right, coworker, BBF, all that, sorry! Honestly, I don't know Tony. I’m more concerned about you - it’s tough to spend all your time supporting someone else, and it sounds like that’s all you got to do in Asia. Are you really not sleeping? Is there anything I can do?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No. Yes. I mean. Look, can this wait until dinner’s on the table? I do want to talk to you about it? How've things been here? 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh. Sweetie. Of course. Look at me, I'm just barraging you. Can I help? Here I’ll - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Salad stuff’s on the counter. It’s all washed, if you want to put it together? 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Right-o! Good, good. I was going to go back home for Thanksgiving, but I waited too long to buy my tickets - so -

[slicing sounds]

-some of my girlfriends got together at this gorgeous restored barn house in Connecticut and we just kind of did our thing - lots of wine! There were chickens! I mean, live ones. Obviously we were eating turkey, so they were safe enough.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. That sounds...pretty nice, actually. I mean, the hotel was beautiful, but that’s really all I saw.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well, you had a lot on your plate. I keep thinking I should visit China - you know people get really shocked when they find out I haven’t been, but you know, it’s so far and so expensive to get there.

Japan’s a pretty different deal, though. Great pop art coming out of Japan.

Clint and I went to a movie on Saturday, which was kind of fun, I mean, if you ignore the part where he kept throwing popcorn at the back of people’s heads.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Mm, he does that. You should see him with Mike and Ikes and a rubber band. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Hey. C'mere.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Wha--

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** I missed you! I was getting kind of used to having you around.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. I wasn’t gone that long. But. Yes. You, too. 

[inaudible]

Err...also. Your present is over there.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Present? I got a present? WAIT. I KNOW WHAT THIS PRESENT IS.

Gundam Pez!!! Hello!! Oh, this is the most delicious Pez, thank you, hon, you’re such a doll. It must have been a pain in the ass to get considering you were stuck in the hotel…

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ha, I just called the front desk, really. If you have Tony Stark’s debit card, people do a surprising number of things for you. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** [laughter] Ooh, even better. I keep forgetting you have friends in high places. That _should_ be hard to forget here on the 41st floor… you guys have a heck of a view.

Did you eat anything super weird?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Once Tony’s settled, you should come up to the penthouse sometime...it’s even better. Uh, food...just Squidsgiving... I really didn’t leave at all, so-- 

[alarm beeps]

Shit, give me a second? I...JARVIS, the stove is...huh, no, the temperature’s right...I don’t...hold on, the fish is burning; I don’t know...it should have been in for a lot longer…

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** OH! 

[coughing]

oh - here, turn on the vents - 

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Got it, Sorry! Ahh...here, water. You okay?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Ah, yeah - hoooboy. So much for Mister Stark’s state of the art kitchen tech… I’m gonna stick with my trusty Kenmore.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no, it’s not…

[sigh]

I probably read the instructions wrong. I just...Hmm. 

[crinkling]

Yeah, this looks pretty inedible. I...Sorry. Can I...Um, I could take you out, or there’s...uh...salad and cookies and ice cream?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Mmm, well, I do love ice cream.... 

[silence]

Steve. Babe. I’m sorry if this is overstepping my bounds, I'm kinda worried about you. You seem...edgy. And sort of unhappy. You’ve been all cryptic and weird in your emails, and I don’t care about the fish a bit, I’m just happy to see you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** What? Overstepping? No, no, uhh...that’s what you’re supposed to do, isn’t it? I just…[deep breath] Look, the past few days were really...I don’t know...I didn’t mean to...Ice cream, right...

[fridge buzz]

Here...Clint won't care if we eat his moose tracks...spoons...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Steve...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Can we sit down? I think I need to sit down. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Of course. Here, sit - I’m gonna make some tea, okay, and we can just - how do you take your tea? 

[creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No tea, I'll just... ice cream... You can-- the teabags are in that cabinet; Natasha has pretty much anything you could ask for. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Okay. Okay. I’ll just - I’ll be right back.

[silence, bubbling water]

Alrighty… you sure you’re good? Nat has a lovely chocolate rosehip blend. It smells like Valentine’s Day.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m fine. Really. I just. All right. I’m not sure where to start. If I seem like I’m-- you can stop me. 

[footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** No, no, Steve, go ahead. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I just...want to know how you feel about some things. I...you’re really the first friend I’ve made outside the team here, and I don’t...Most people just want me to be Captain America all the time, and I know you don’t want that. Which I’m really...I’m really grateful for. But I don’t know if I...Tony thinks I should go to a doctor. You know. A, um. Doctor. 

[footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You mean a psychologist? Why does Tony think that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I guess he sort of thinks of it like...the war wasn’t that long ago for me. I guess a lot of soldiers do that now. I didn’t really have anyone to come home to, they’re all...you know. Gone. One minute I was flying a plane and talking to the girl I...and, you know, I was pretty much expecting to die, but then I woke up in a hospital. Gone. So I’m not always sure I should be dating anyone. I guess. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** I… oh, Steve. I _like_ you. I like spending time with you. I don't give a shit about weird dating-people labels. You're talking about wars and dying; you know the last thing I'm going to care about is whether you want to call this dating. I just hate seeing you like this.

[steam whistle, footsteps, pouring water]

Can I come sit next to you or do you want to sit by yourself?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Here. Sorry. Here. It’s fine. I...Tony got hurt-- in the accident, you know. And I guess it really got to me worse than I expected. 

[creaking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Because you were worried you’d lose him too.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I knew it wasn’t that bad. He hurt his arm, and it was mostly bumps and bruises. But it reminded me that it could happen.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Hon, that’s a totally understandable way to feel - but he’s still here - you’re okay, and he’s okay. He bounced back and was fine...doing whatever it is you people do when you're working. Tony’s safe, and so are you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know. I know that. I’m not...I’m just trying to explain where my head is these days. Because I don’t think I’m going to be capable of being a normal person for a while. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Hey, Steve, most people out there aren’t normal … but you know, Tony Stark's supposed to be a pretty smart guy. If he thinks you should do the therapy thing, I really think you should consider it. Doctors have to sign confidentiality notices - no one would have to know. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or anything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not embarrassed. It just doesn’t seem very...I am thinking about it. All right. That’s the first thing. I think that’s the first thing. The second...I don’t know how to put this because it’s going to sound awful no matter what.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well… just go for it then, I guess.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right. Remember how I told you about that, uh, that unrequited crush?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** _Steve_...How’d I know this would come up again….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I told you it was awful. I feel like a...it’s not-- I found out it actually is requited, I guess? But they’re...kind of...I don’t know. Not really emotionally available, I think. It’s just...I’m really confused by the whole thing. And then there's you, and I don’t know...I’m just confused about a lot.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Okay. I… okay. Give me a minute.

[silence]

It's not Natasha, is it?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Nat--

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well, you two are really close. I guess...I'd get it, if it was Natasha.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No. No, it's not Natasha-- can you, look, I don't want to talk about who it is. It's not really...important.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well, yeah, it kind of-- Steve - I don't know what you want me to say. Is this why you never want to be alone with me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What? What are you talking about? Of course I want to be alone with you; I-- I tried to make you dinner tonight, I-- 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Well of course, but Steve - when was the last time you invited me out somewhere and didn’t include Clint on the invitation? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Why wouldn’t I include Clint? He likes you, he likes doing all the same things you like to do…?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Uh, because we’re _dating?_ At least I thought we were dating. Part of that generally involves wanting to get in some alone time with that person. God, really, I can’t believe I just said that - does that sound condescending? Sorry if it does, I just...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, I just...it seemed a little soon for that, didn’t it? I don’t-- I don’t know how these things-- I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Was that it? Or were you just - 

[silence]

That plan kind of backfired, didn’t it. This is pretty damn uncomfortable.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...look, I don’t really...I didn't know you--

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Look. Okay. I realize that you’re not used to dating in this day and age, and I don’t mean to be a bitch. I just - like you, and you're great, right, and as soon as we started sleeping together you started foisting me off on your friends, and that sends a really mixed message, you know? You bought me a Japanese Pez Dispenser set from six thousand miles away and cooked me dinner with mood lighting on and everything, but every time we go out you invite other people along.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not trying to send any massage...I’m not used to dating _any_ time, Becky. I’ve never been on a second date with the same person before you.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Wh - oh, shit, you weren’t a virgin, were you?! That explains… shit. I’m sorry, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What? Explains what? No, was-- I-- God, no. I just...I just really had a bad time with dating people. I mean, you know I was sort of...and nobody really gave me a second look, and then all of a sudden _this_ happened, and I had girls crawling out of the woodwork, and I didn’t really know what to do about that, and I, uh, probably made some bad decisions about that, but you...well, I liked you, so I sort of thought there should be a...you know, a chaperone? So you wouldn’t feel like you were...stuck with me?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** A _chaperone?_ Steve, we’re sleeping together. If I didn’t want to spend time with you, I wouldn’t spend time with you. Steve, you're an incredible guy. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Thanks? I, uh...well, I didn’t want you to feel...I don’t know. It’s just how I know to do things. You know. My best friend used to come on all my dates with me. You know, and, uh, leave with them half the time, because that’s how things worked, and girls just liked him more, I guess. But I wouldn’t know how else to approach it.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You - are you serious? I don’t need an escort. You’re gorgeous and funny and the sex was fun. I get that it might not have worked that way for you before, but … look, when you constantly have someone else around it’s going to make the person you’re with feel insecure. Most people, when they’re interested in someone, want nothing more than to get them alone. That’s what a girl expects... Or at least, what I expected.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No one told me that. And I...I don’t know. It seems...I don’t really think I understand what you’re saying. It seems...disrespectful. I know you’re saying it’s not, but I just...I don’t really expect people to want to spend time with me.

[silence]

And you’re, you know. All those things, too. I don’t want you to think I don’t think very highly of you.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You're something else, you know that? I can't believe that many people failed to look under your wrapper and see what you're really made of. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Okay. You’re telling me this, but it sure sounds like you’ve been keeping me at a distance because you have feelings for someone else. That’s… really not fair to me. You… sorry, but sometimes I really kind of worry about you, because it seems like you don't even like yourself, and you should probably figure that out before you get yourself into a relationship.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I--Bec, I promise I'm not trying to keep you-- I told Natasha something like that a couple of months ago. She wanted to send me on dates, and I really didn't think it was the right time, and then...well, you came along. It seemed silly to say no to you, when you're...well, amazing, just because I have my own mess to pick through.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** … okay, admittedly I _am_ amazing. But you just finished telling me you like somebody else. Like, enough that you think you have to tell me about it, and that's kind of...I mean, would you even _be_ here if you thought they were available?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m also still in love with a woman who’s ninety-three years old and somebody else who died seventy years ago. I don’t think-- what did you want me to do, not try to find out if I might have feelings for you, too?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** [sniffling] Is-- is that the person you mean? Because that I can deal with, we can figure that out.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah.

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** It's not, is it? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** No.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** I...wish you’d told me you wanted a rebound. Because I thought you wanted a girlfriend.

[sniffling] 

I guess that's my fault... We never did really have "the talk"... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Err, talk about wha-- Bec, don’t-- here, can I just--? I didn’t mean to-- I don’t-- what’s-- I don’t know what you mean by a rebound.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You - oh, for--! You don’t get to tell me you actually want someone else and then cuddle with me, Steve. [sniffling] A rebound means you want someone you can’t have - or you’ve been dumped, so you don’t want to be alone. It means I’m a stand-in. It’s not a particularly great feeling.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Becky, I don’t-- you're not a stand-in. You're not-- What can I do for you? If you don’t want me to touch you, I mean-- I can’t just sit here and let you cry...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** I’m _not_ crying.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don't want to see you sad, then. Becky, you know I think the world of you. I just...people like you don’t _like_ me. I’m not...you’re beautiful, you’re smart, you've got your head screwed on right...things have been better when you’ve been around. I wouldn’t have just...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Yeah, it's kind of tough to hear that when you're-- I mean, thanks, I mean it, but-- I wish you - you know we could have been friends with benefits, if that’s the kind of thing you needed. I wish you’d just asked. If I'd known, I wouldn't have... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...don’t know what that is, either?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Are you - seriously, do you not watch TV? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I watch _My Little Ponies_ with Clint? 

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Friends. Who sleep together. Platonically.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. No. I don’t want that. Definitely not.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Yeah. I’m not… look, I’m not really equipped to answer these kinds of questions. I manage an art gallery, I’m not a therapist.

I’m also not interested in having a boyfriend who’s in love with someone else. I've done that before, and I’m not going to beat my head against that wall. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not-- I’m not in love with anybody. I just...I felt like it was better to be honest with you...I wouldn’t...you can’t agree to something if you don’t know what you’re agreeing to. I mean...I was sort of hoping we'd talk it through and you’d be okay with it, but I’m...you're obviously not.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Do you not realize how - how that _sounds_ to someone who thought you were invested in her? I appreciate your honesty, Steve, but you might be a tad too honest for your own good ... It really kind of, well. Hurts. This is something you should have negotiated at the beginning of this mess.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** But I didn't know about it at the beginning of this...I didn’t think it would be a...you know. I just tried not to think about it. I really-- I was trying to figure out the invested-part. It's not that I'm not-- it's just that I haven't had time to figure that out yet. And then this happened, and I just...sort of thought I should talk to you about, well, what I should do.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well, for future reference, you’re the only person who can make that choice. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, it doesn't seem fair of me to make that choice on my own when it affects you, and I just...I don't think there's anything I can do that you're going to be okay with.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:**

[silence]

I guess not. I’m - I’m pissed, obviously. But I’m also glad you told me, I guess, even if it was after the newspapers figured out we were seeing each other. Now I get to be Captain America’s ex, Perez Hilton will just eat that up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. [silence] I guess-- [silence] If that’s-- I’m really sorry. I’m not trying to evade blame, or, you know, make excuses for myself, but I couldn’t really do anything about the timing. I’m sorry. I-- you know how I feel about the publicity.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** I know, that wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have gone with you to the hospital. But if you’d told me about your feelings at the beginning, at least I would have been… prepared? I know you always get frustrated when people treat you like you're Captain America all the time - but you _are_ Captain America. I just didn’t think you were… I don’t know, the sort of guy who would... I guess I just assumed...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I thought I did tell you...I...I’ve been doing that a lot lately, I guess. Explaining myself really badly and having it...well. Hurt people. What did you assume? That I wouldn’t be messed up after missing seventy years? That I’m some kind of rock in a river?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Steve, you’re a _super hero_. You fought nazis! You punched Hitler! I just thought you’d be … I don’t know. Boyfriend material. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence] Well. It was an actor dressed as Hitler. And it was a stage punch.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** _Now_ you tell me. Steve… I think I should go - I’m mad, and I don’t want to be mad, because the horrible thing is that I do like you and I think I still want to be friends - if you want to be friends. I need to go be angry somewhere I can’t say something stupid that I’ll regret.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Becky._ Of course I want to be friends. I just-- I don’t mind if you want to be angry at me to my face. I’ve probably heard worse. I just...And I probably deserve it. I’m sorry I’m not...you know, whatever you think boyfriend material is supposed to be.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Whatever I think is - I just told you I don’t want to be angry to your face, and this isn’t just about you and your self-pity! Why - look, this is why I said I wanted to leave, I need to be somewhere else right now.

[creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Okay. I--Well. Goodnight, I guess?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Goodnight, Steve. [footsteps]

**{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}**

**{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}**


	135. Not Captain America

T--

I can work things out all right. I don't really see how sitting in a doctor's office talking to someone with a shiny clipboard is going to help me stop making a mess of my life.

Speaking of making a mess of my life, Becky came over. I really...I burned the fish, and then I felt terrible, and I never really recovered from feeling terrible, and I was worried about you and your hand, and it just...I lost the threads of my plan, I guess. I don't even really...On one hand, maybe it was probably better, because she was going to figure out sooner or later that I'm not what she thought I was, and she was bound to be disappointed, but I really didn't...I mean, I wanted to at least talk to her about it. I guess I thought it was a possibility she might hear me out and say that this wasn't for her, but I thought she'd at least listen. 

She said I wasn't boyfriend material. I don't...I'm not sure what boyfriend material is supposed to be. I've never actually, well, been anyone's boyfriend before. She started telling me I did all these things wrong, when...it was the first time she bothered to tell me. Or I could have fixed it, if I'd known. I said I was sorry, and that just made her more upset. She said I don't like myself enough to be in a relationship. The worst part about it is that I'm scared she might be right. I didn't even know what most of the things she said meant. All I wanted to do was tell her where my head was, not leave her in the dark, and see if we could work things out in a way that made sense. People have so many expectations, and I can't fulfill all of them-- or even most of them, I guess.

This is what I told you, remember? About how people are always disappointed when they realize I'm not Captain America. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. You've seen that first-hand at this point.

I don't know. I'm sorry. You don't need to hear this. You really should have someone look at your hand, though. And you should probably be asleep. I know you're not.

So, back during the war, the Nazis stole a lot of treasures from a lot of the countries they invaded. Howard spent a lot of time trying to track them and rescue them. I went on a few missions with him...I don't know what an Indiana Jones is but Howard was always fond of hats. Most of our work was focused on Europe, though...I remember him flying through a rainstorm to try to follow the Nazis to wherever they'd taken the Amber Room...this massive room, carved entirely from amber, that the Germans had given to the Russians as a gift back in the 1700s, I think he said. I still cant quite envision how somebody steals an entire room, but the Nazis managed it, naturally. Took all the walls and flooring and ceiling, packed it up on trucks and hauled it out.

We never did find it, and I didn't get to go on another recovery mission after that-- picking off HYDRA strongholds was taking up too much of my time. 

But he went on a lot of those missions. He did go to South America, once, toward...well, not too long before my plane crash. When I was clearing out once of their bases, I found intel that HYDRA was looking for this thing...some kind of headpiece that they seemed to think had some kind of powers. I have no idea if it was real or not, but enough other things turned out to be real that we just sort of stopped doubting anything in those days. So he just, you know, went-- out to the border between Bolivia and Peru. He came back empty-handed, of course...a lot of those missions were fruitless. But he never seemed to give up, really.

And he just...he didn't need to be there, not like the rest of us. He just volunteered. He just seemed eager to have the opportunity to do something no one else had done before. I know you hate this kind of thing, but it's one of the ways you remind me of him. The good ones.

\--S


	136. Super Classy Way of Asking

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
Subject: idek why is everything.

Um. This is a totally weird email and I'm really sorry about it. So I thought Steve and I were having dinner tonight, but I guess he dumped me instead? Did you know about this? 

I mean, of course you didn't know, he's been away and you would have told me if…right? 

Sorry. I'm kind of writing this from Ward III. I might have had a few cocktails. Um. The bartenders are being super nice about having a crying girl at the bar. One of them built me a pyramid out of cherries and toothpicks. 

Anyway, yeah, so that's over. Ugh. I feel so dumb. Right, like somebody as hot as Captain America would fucking go for me. Who is even that stupid? I mean, at least I get to say I banged Captain America, right? That's shitty of me, though. I mean, I really liked him. I really, really liked him, and it had nothing to do with the stupid superhero shit (no offense). And I should have seen this coming, I mean, who invites another dude along on all their dates, right? I mean, not that you're not excellent company, but it was just weird. And he actually had the gall to apologize for not being boyfriend material. 

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I hate everything. 

He did that super shitty thing guys do, where they don't actually SAY they're dumping you outright, but they just say awful stuff to you till you get the picture and then they're just like "well, I guess I can't give you what you want" so of course it's _your_ fault, and ugh.

This is probably the stupidest thing you've ever heard, but I had sort of asked my sister if my new boyfriend could come for Christmas. I mean, I hadn't asked Steve yet but I thought, like, he doesn't have anybody here to spend it with and they always have an amazing spread; Katie's husband is English and they totally do the whole traditional roast beef-Yorkshire-pudding-potatoes-and-gravy and lots of wine thing, and they have the cutest kids ever. And Katie is, well, like, she's only three years older than me and she has a house and two kids and she's always kind of looking down her nose at me about the guys I bring home and then does the told-you-so thing when it doesn't work and I don't want to tell her I got dumped again right before Christmas, because who does that, anyway?

So, uh. That's a super classy way of asking you if you want to come for Christmas, right? I mean, I figure since you've been my replacement date for, like everything else in the universe lately, you might as well do that, too, right? 

Ugh. This sucks. I'm sorry. It's okay if you say no. I mean, family Christmas in New Jersey, sounds like an awesome treat, right? 

I just-- Can you call me sometime? I don't know. What the fuck is up with him? Just, what the fuck? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be that girl who complains to a dude about another dude, but whatever. You're, like, the only one of my friends who actually knows him. 

\--Bec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ward III](http://www.ward3tribeca.com) is an amazing cocktail and whiskey bar in Tribeca, owned by the same folks who own Rum House, where Steve and Tony went on their not-date. Tea is a regular there and friends with the bartenders, so it obviously had to find its way in. (I went there dressed as Cap for Halloween. The bartenders spent the night making me Cap-themed cocktails, including one designed to look like his shield. So, seriously. If you're in New York ever, go there. They are my favorite.)


	137. Are you alone at present?

efiboot loaded from device: Acpi (PNP0A03STARK.003)/Pci(1F12)  
(Part3.MBRType=20.SigType=00)boot file path \System\J.A.R.V.I.S.\CoreServices\housestark.efi  
userid=STARK  
loading ‘J.A.R.V.I.S.’ … 

 

Hello, sir. Good to hear from you again. Apologies for the text-only interface, there appear to be some issues with the RAM installed in your newest mainframe.

 

userid=STARK  
run=maindebug.003/PCI(1F00)

 

The new HouseStark mainframe appears to be fully operational, initiating debug – debug will take twenty seven minutes and thirty three point two seconds. In the meantime I will take the liberty of importing your personal settings from the Tower systems.

I would remind you that I have no surveillance feeds on your current location. Are manual security elements in place? Are you alone at present? If you will input the house layout I would be happy to make recommendations related to the installation points for the cameras required to run a proper security network.

 

…..

 

……

 

May I remind you, sir, that Captain Rogers requested that you eat something eight hours and fifteen minutes ago? Additionally, you have thirteen unheard messages from S.H.I.E.L.D. medical staff regarding your injuries. I've taken the liberty of scheduling an appointment with your personal physician, which I fully expect you to completely ignore. 

I will have pizza delivered along with more burn salve and ice. I look forward to the installation of proper in-home speaker systems so that I may scold you verbally as well as via text.

J.A.R.V.I.S.


	138. A secret weakness

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))   
to: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
Subject: RE: idek why is everything.

Hey Becs, sorry I didn’t see this until now. Sounds like you’re having a rough night. You still at ward III? Want me to meet you there? 

Okay, okay, get a grip here woman. Of course captain america wanted to date you, you’re a badass and all into the kinds of artsy shit that steve secretly wants to spend his time doing. I have no idea why he’d end things – no, I didn’t know – but I can tell you he’s a fucking moron for doing it.

You know your invitation pretty much sounds like the start of every shitty Jennifer Aniston romcom ever, right? Fake boyfriend at your sister’s house for Christmas? But the food sounds pretty sweet. You’re lucky that I have a secret weakness for yorkshire pudding, it’s one of few things in the world I would enter new jersey for.

But I won’t like, pencil it into my calendar until you think it’s a good idea when you’re sober. I’ve done crazier things than invite creepy archers to Christmas in the aftermath of a breakup. Including get a tattoo. NO, YOU CAN’T SEE IT.

Oh hey does your sister’s husband have a dart board? Because we could totally staple steve’s face to it and remember, some of us never miss. It’d be super cathartic and stuff.

Anyway, I’m serious, I will come to you,I can give you a ride home, whatever you need. You an even snot all over my shoulder if you like, just like you did when we watched Pan’s Labrynth. it’s all good.

clint


	139. Still pretty fucked.

S – 

I don’t mind listening when you need an ear. I can’t imagine anyone - did she actually say that? You're not disappointing, Steve, but I don't think anyone could live up to the American idea of Captain America... I mean if anyone could it would be you, but Cap had 70 years to grow and change in American pop culture, of course people are going to make assumptions. Stupid assumptions - I mean there was this one comic where Cap fought Russians on the moon. You can't hold yourself to that kind of expectation. You're a person, not a comic book character. 

I - sorry, that may be the completely wrong thing to say. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Whatever you want really, but it's not a burden on me to be leaned on.

but seriously, "not boyfriend material"? That came out of her mouth? You don't want me to be rude about her, but seriously, what a load of shit. That's a lousy fucking thing to say to anyone. ~~I think you're absofuckinglutely~~

I realize you are uncomfortable with it, but I still think you should consider giving therapy a shot, Steve – please. It’s not so clinical and shitty as you make it sound. I really think it would be a good thing for you – just go a couple of times and see what you think of it. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was ten. I stopped going when I left California. I should probably still be going but you gotta find someone you mesh with. 

Actually, Pepper had a doc in midtown that she really liked – you might be able to ask her about that clinic. I’ve met her a few times (couples therapy) but I tend to prefer male therapists.

Do you still feel up to the zoo today? We can put it off of you want. I hate to say it but my hand is still pretty fucked and burn salve isn't really making a dent. I can’t piece the gauntlet back together with what I have here, so I don’t really want to fly back the tower on my own steam. If I do go to medical, do you want to pick me up afterwards?

 

T

PS Indiana Jones is now on our Netflix queue. Be ready. 


	140. Bound to Mess it Up

T--

Right, I'll pick you up, just tell me what time to be there. I haven't really left the Tower, so, you know. Probably a good idea for me to get out. You realize you get to ride on the back of my bike, right? Modern cars scare the shit out of me.

It just...I mean, I should have expected it, really. I did what I said I was going to do; I just tried to explain everything that I've been feeling right now. I mean, I did it badly. I sort of just did everything badly, nothing came out the way I wanted it to. It...I can't believe I was actually optimistic about this. She told me I was too honest for my own good. And that she wasn't willing to date anyone who was obviously ~~in love~~ mixed up about somebody else. Which is completely reasonable and logical and of course it's the right decision, but I couldn't help feeling like...like she thought I'd done something wrong just by, you know. Feeling things.

I'm not sure how to feel about this, really. She said a lot of hurtful things, but I suppose that was her prerogative, because she was feeling hurt. The thing was, I guess the thing that got to me, was that I really got the feeling she expected me to actually be superhuman.

I don't know what to do; I texted her to make sure she got home okay. She's the first friend I've had outside of you lot, and I'd be a little sad if I was as much a failure at friendships as I apparently am at dating. I really don't want to lose my only friend outside the Tower.

I tried to explain she was the first person I ever even went on a second date with; she mistakenly assumed I meant I was a virgin. Which doesn't exactly inspire confidence, you know? And then I just...might have gone on a little diatribe about dating, and how much I hate it, and... I just...I felt like I went into the conversation knowing exactly what I wanted to say, and it all fell apart, and I just kept saying the wrong thing, and I can't even figure out why it was wrong, and everything I tried to say to explain or be helpful or try to understand just hurt her more. What does boyfriend material even _mean_? Am I supposed to know what she meant by it? I'm not as down on myself about this as this sounds; I promise. I just...I keep repeating it in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done better. I know I could have done better.

Thanks for understanding. I mean it. I guess there aren't that many people in the world who have a vague idea of what that feels like, to have to live up to something like that name. I know it's not the same for you, but it's enough, I think.

I'll call Miss Potts and see if she can give me that number. And I'll talk to Fury about the person SHIELD had assigned me a while back. That one is free, I think, so I don't have to worry about my health insurance covering it. 

Thanks. I can do the zoo, or not. It's up to you. It'll just be good to see you.

\--S


	141. Surprisingly nice

S – 

Hey. Thanks for coming to get me - ~~being pressed up against your~~ the bike ride alone was worth getting poked and prodded at medical. Under the helmets no one had a clue who we were... I felt like we were in traveling in stealth mode. I had a good time today – it was surprisingly nice to get outside and get some fresh air after being cooped up in the mansion for so long - my shield generator is coming along pretty well, I'm just having issues minimizing the size and maximizing the output - I want something big enough to shield the entire tower in case it starts raining aliens again. Despite how much I've been using it the swelling on my hand has gone down, but I’m still feeling loopy from all the painkillers.

You were right, the Central Park zoo was nice. It was smart to go on a weekday when most of the kids of Manhattan would be in school. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen a baby mongoose before – pretty cute, I have to admit. I've never been much of an animal person but it was fun to see them exploring their surroundings. They reminded me a little bit of DUM-E when he first came online and started seeking input.... he got into everything while trying to establish a relevant experiential database. 

it's odd, the things that come back to you when you visit a place.... The last time I visited that zoo I must have been eight? Maybe nine? My birthday was always at the beginning of summer, right when I was released from boarding school, and that year there were lion cubs. I read an article about it and asked my mom to take me for birthday. She ended up stuck at a conference in the south of France with my old man so poor old J ended up on birthday babysitting duty again. 

It's funny how vividly I remember those lion cubs. 

Maybe the tower needs an animal of some kind – I could build a robotic hound dog for the team – maybe one that has cleaning functions like a Roomba? Hell, I could go further and build a pack and integrate them into the security system. That’d be both excellent and terrifying. JARVIS would have a real field day with them. It might even be enough to make him forgive me for the crappy text only interface in the bunker. 

I know we didn't really talk a lot about Becky today, but I hope you’re feeling a little better about it anyway. She DID text you while we were out, which isn’t something she’d be doing if she wasn’t serious about staying friends with you. I’m probably the worst person in the world for you to confide in about this considering how biased I am about her and her interest in you, but hey. People have really different expectations about what they want from relationships and it sucks when those don't line up. As for boyfriend material - I keep thinking about what she could have meant by that, but what the fuck do I know about that kind of thing? Pepper clearly thought the same about me. People say all kinds of crap things about what they want from their SO. Who says Becky knows anything about boyfriend material, anyway?

I’m moving back into the penthouse. ~~maybe without Becky around we can figure~~ They’ll be hauling up my world class A+ comfiest bed ever tomorrow, so heads up on that. Also, I forgot to mention that I need you and your gas station buddy to install a set of security cameras at the mansion to get J off my back – you still interested in doing that or do you want me to hire an actual contractor? Let me know and I'll forward you the schematics that we drew up this week.

 

T


	142. Rejecting Your Generosity

Tony,

Robot dogs? I'm leaning toward terrifying. You-- you know you could get a real dog if you wanted. No one's going to tell you no anymore, and you'd probably be able to get most of the team to help out. I know Clint's had dogs; Thor would probably love it. I don't think Bruce would mind as long as it didn't get into his stuff. Natasha...strikes me as more of a cat person, really. 

Speaking of cats, I'm still drinking out of my lion cup. You are entirely ridiculous, you do know that, don't you? I still don't know why you bought this. I am twenty-seven years old and drinking out of a cup with a giant plastic lion head for a top. And my mouth still tastes like popcorn and cotton candy and cinnamon sugar pretzel.

Thanks for talking about Becky. ~~I thought we were going to talk about you, but it seems like you're not really~~ I guess as far as expectations go, I would have just been happy to see where things went...Relationships are kind of a new thing for me, so I don't really have any expectations of anyone else. I'll manage. I always do.

I'll make sure to make your new bed for you with your Hawkeye sheets. I'm still _really_ good at hospital corners back from my orphanage days-- morning inspection, every morning at 7:30, had to be perfect or they'd unmake everything, tip our mattresses over and we'd have to start again. Anyway, I want to see exactly what sixty thousand dollars gets you. Does this mean you'll actually be sleeping? Should I plan on tucking you in and singing you a lullabye?

The last time I was at that zoo was before my mother died...shortly before she got sick, really, the summer before. I was seven, so...I guess about the same age you were. It wasn't at all the same then. The animals were all in small metal cages, ones with bars you could actually reach through, and they could reach through-- there was a chimp who actually grabbed my apple out of my hands. But a lot of them-- I don't know if it was just me, looking at them and imagining what they felt, but they looked sad, really. There were bison in a cage smaller than my bedroom. There was a giraffe who kept trying to reach its neck over the top of the cage to eat the leaves of the neighboring tree, but they were just a little too far away. You see things like that when you're seven, you sort of can't help but identify with the animals, you know?

I liked seeing the clock-- although you could build a better one. I was a little disappointed the animals didn't move around as much as I expected. And thank you for the very extravagant lunch. I've never actually had a filet mignon before...or a panna cotta, for that matter, and you're making me feel painfully ignorant about-- well. I thought there was red wine and white wine before I met you. I didn't even know what half those things _were_.

When I was a kid, though...a really little kid, the boathouse was different. It was all wooden, really beautifully carved wood, two stories tall, and looked sort of like something from a fantasy land. They tore that down when I was five or six, I think, and replaced it with this ugly thing that was still there when I enlisted. I was a little glad to see that one got replaced, because it was just...sort of a reminder of the one that wasn't there anymore. I guess there are some things that have gotten a lot better since I've been gone.

And it was fun to watch those two ladies get their pictures taken. I sort of don't mind being a celebrity for things like that; you know, knowing that we pretty much made their day, and they're going to have photos and a story about almost knocking their boat over in December in Central Park because they shouted down two superheroes to be in their wedding pictures.

Of course I'll do the work on the house. I…guess I should actually ask Mr. Gas Station his name, shouldn't I? I just…

Tony, it was a really nice day. A really nice one. It...I don't know, it made me feel better about the past few days, but there's something I need to talk to you about. Seriously. And please don't be angry with me. I know your inclination is going to be to feel like I'm rejecting your generosity, and it isn't that at all. 

I can't take that job. I just can't. You've been so kind and I know you want nothing more than for me to be happy and you must know it means a lot to me. But I know you asked Mr. Jordan to create a new position for me, and I wasn't really interviewing on my own merits. I haven't gotten a call about it yet, but I need to withdraw the application. 

Please understand. It just doesn't feel right, Tony. And I can't let you pay me. I need you to know, without a doubt, that I would be here no matter what. I don't want you to ever think I might only put up with you for a paycheck. 

But, that being said, thank you for...well, the zoo, and the lunch at the boathouse, and the cotton candy, and everything else. 

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rain here - I'm hijacking today's Steve chapter to mention that I'm officially back in the states at last. That means Tea and I will soon be hard at work on phase three of the fic.... ie THE FINAL STORY ARC. Dum dum DUM! 
> 
> I'm planning to go back and respond to some of the wonderful comments left in my absence, so if I'm randomly commenting on weeks-old material you'll know why. Thank you as always for reading and sharing your thoughts with us!!


	143. Test-drive the new bed

Cap – 

~~What the fuck?~~ Are you serious – what the hell is going on in that head of yours? 

I didn’t ask Jordan to create the position; he just opened applications for a position that hasn’t been filled in a few years. I was serious when I said we were updating our logos and design, and retro looks are really in right now. He could use you. I'm not dumping you on a department out of some misguided sense of pity, I'm looking for a way to profit from our friendship while earning you a bit on the side too - I thought that was what you wanted.

I don’t get you – you tell me you want to borrow money instead of receiving it as a gift, so I find you a way to support yourself and you say no? What happened to possibly going to college? I know you realize how hard it’s going to be for you to hold a normal job as a celebrity with the schedule of an Avenger - I know that keeps you up at night. And even though the government shutdown bullshit is over and you're being paid again who's to say those dumbshits in Washington won't pull the rug out from under you again? You're leaving yourself vulnerable over a matter of principle that means nothing.

I have no fucking clue what you want from me here – if you really just want me to listen to all the crap you’re dealing with and not try to help, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m not a sit-on-my-hands kind of guy - I'm a mechanic, I live to fix things, and if a simple application of cash will solve problems, why the hell not go for it? You're ~~someone I~~ my friend, I want to make you happy, I can't just sit and listen to you talk about the weight on your shoulders without leaning in to help, okay?

I know you don’t put up with me for a paycheck – the team needs aerial support, so you’re stuck with me indefinitely. You might even genuinely like me – the jury is out on that, I really have no clue how you feel about me beyond the fact that you can’t seem to stay away.

~~I just - is it me? It has to fucking be me. Becky's gone and you're still keeping me at arm's length, what the hell do you want~~

I'm not trying to be a dick, here. Really, I'm not. You just frustrate the hell out of me sometimes - please reconsider the job.

Either way, you're welcome to come upstairs and test-drive the new bed. We can hit the hay after a ritualistic burning of any and all Hawkeye paraphernalia you’ve acquired for me since I left for Japan. I think I'm running on 43 hours without shut-eye, so I can't guarantee I'll be good company, but the bed sure as hell will be nice.

For what it's worth I'll understand if you'd sleep better in your own quarters. just let me know.

T

 

PS I’d probably accidentally murder a real dog. I can barely keep myself functioning, let alone a pet. It might be nice, though.


	144. Times and Ways

T-

Stop talking in circles. You know exactly how I feel about you. That's exactly why I can't take that job. How many times and ways do I need to say this? 

-S


	145. I wish.

I just wish you'd let me do things for you. I know you wouldn't spend time with me for a paycheck, Steve Rogers has much integrity for that.

 

T


	146. The Things I Do For You

T--

 ~~You take twenty-four hours to reply to a one-line letter, and I don't know if I'm supposed to talk to you or stay away.~~

What happens the next time you get angry or despondent and need to convince yourself that the rest of the world hates you and we only put up with you for your money? I'm not giving you that luxury. 

I want you to do things for me. Do the kinds of things I do for you. I mean, please don't cook me dinner or draw me pictures, because that would end in tears. Unless you want to draw me some schematic diagrams; I've seen yours and I can tell they're brilliant even when I don't understand them. There are so many things you can give people that don't require your money.

Talk to me. You could just talk to me.

\--S


	147. The invitation is still open

S - 

~~i don't want to argue about this~~

Yeah, okay. No cooking. ~~I just wish - shouldn't this be a give and take instead of you telling me what I can do?~~ ~~it's my money anyway, I want to spend it on~~ Do whatever you like with the job, just make sure you e-mail HR about it.

~~I mean, I know we're not actually in a relationship but~~

 

okay. Talking. Not to change the subject but this has been eating at me - Pepper is going to be in town in a few days. She asked me to have lunch with her and I feel like I should, but it's the first time I'll have seen her since Malibu and I'm not sure I'm ready to do it. I mean, she's still my CEO and she needs me to sign things and all that but my PA has been taking care of most of it while I'm recovering. My people calling her people and all that. So I could probably get away with backing out of it - but like, I do want to be her friend. Have you seen Becky since your conversation last week? Any pearls of wisdom?

T

PS Is there a reason you haven't come up to see my fucking awesome new bed? The invitation is still open. I ~~sleep better when~~ am pretty much always down for a bed buddy.

PPS Just went a full 24 hours with no painkillers. thought you'd be glad to know.


	148. Tentative Yes

T-

No painkillers? If your hand is hurting, you're supposed to take them. If it's not hurting, that's good news. If it is, you should take one of your pills. The doctors said it would be a process of tapering off. Just remember you shouldn't drink when taking them. (And please don't avoid them just so you can drink.)

As far as Miss Potts is concerned, have lunch with her. I didn't know either of you back then, but you two were incredibly close friends before any of this happened. You don't want to lose that. You've had a month and a little to get your thoughts in order, you might be able to have a nice, civil conversation and start to patch things up.

Just be honest with her, Tony. She's feeling more or less the same way you are; she'll understand if you say you're giving her a tentative yes but aren't sure you'll be up to it. 

Becky was over here; she came to movie night while you were buried in the lab; we tried to buzz you but JARVIS said you weren't to be disturbed; Thor was in town while Jane was knee-deep in some research. We watched _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. I've been informed that we're all going to some midnight picture show and we have to wear costumes at some point in the near future if you want to come. Natasha was threatening to buy me some stretchy gold shorts-- apparently this is expected, or are they messing with me again? I remembered to give her her Pez dispensers and her earrings, but we didn't really talk, and we were on opposite ends of the sofa. 

We were supposed to be going to see Sleep No More, which everyone keeps telling me is fantastic, but she ended up asking Clint if he wanted my ticket, which I guess she was perfectly within her rights to do. 

I guess it seems like everything's all right, but…she was definitely the one who would initiate social plans, so I don't know how that's supposed to work now. It seems like she's content to leave me out of them. It's fine; I played board games with Natasha and Banner that night. The problem with playing Scrabble with Banner is I feel like he doesn't entirely understand the rules and keeps trying to play scientific abbreviations. 

This might be a bad idea, but if you'd like me to come along to lunch to make awkward small talk, I could do that. I don't know if that would make the wrong impression, but I'm perfectly happy to chat with Miss Potts if you're feeling reticent.

-S

PS I've barely seen you this week, you're been locked up working so much, which is fine; I understand you missed a lot of time and I'm not complaining. But I felt like maybe we should talk in person before I do anything like that. Are you free at all today? Tomorrow? Should I make an appointment with JARVIS?


	149. Your tree-sized arms.

S – 

 

You think so? I don’t know. Nothing will be like it used to be with Pepper, it seems silly to even try. or maybe silly is the wrong word. Overwhelming? You and Becky have a shot at least – maybe you should try inviting her to do something. If you told her you had feelings for someone else she may think you don’t want to have her around, but if you make it clear you want to be friends.... Maybe something artsy? I mean that’s what you’re both into, right? You could always take Clint along to be your backup. 

It sounds like you guys had a nice night. I don’t have the patience for most board games, but I haven’t seen Thor in a while. That would have been fun. 

I don’t know it would be better or worse to have you there when I talk to Pepper on the 19th. I’m sorry – I think maybe I should go on my own, I just wondered what you made of it. I’m not sure I can focus on her the way I should if you’re around – you can be really distracting with your eyes and your smiles and your tree-sized arms. I bet she’d like to see you though. 

You’re welcome to make an appointment with JARVIS or just come on down, I’ll tell him you should be let in when you feel like turning up.

 

T

PS also I have a little project i need your help with, I'll let you know when - maybe the wednesday after next??


	150. The Sacrificial Altar

I don't know, Tony, I think some space might be good, at least for the present. I don't have any ill will toward her, and I don't want things to be awkward. Movie night was fine; I think if we just sort of wait it out for a while we'll be able to go back to being friends. 

Although she did invite me to her holiday party on the 28th-- actually, she invited the whole team, so I'm pretty sure you're included-- would you like go? It's at the gallery. Their show right now is all superhero art, and some of it's of us, so I feel like it's going to be a combination of weird and hilarious. It can't be worse than Comic-Con, right?

What do you say? Drink some bad mulled cider, eat some bourbon balls, chat with people with funny hairstyles who want to talk to you about how you keep your artistic integrity while fighting evil? (Yes, one of them asked me that once) It's a group thing, you know, so there will be a lot of people and I can say hello without making her uncomfortable. She's mentioned a few times that she's wanted to meet you. And I can bring her her Christmas present, since I bought it, well, before everything else.

Please, no apology needed about Miss Potts. I was only offering in case it was something that would help. I'll see if she can fit me into her schedule while she's in. 

Did you change JARVIS' protocol yet? I knocked on the door a bit ago but he said you'd instructed him not to let anyone in. I'm assuming it was just an old instruction. 

~~You know that Wednesday is Chri--~~ Wednesday the 25th would be fine, if we can do it early in the day. Natasha said something about wanting to have a team dinner that evening. Any hints on what this project is, or do I get to offer myself up on the sacrificial altar of Tony Stark surprises?

-S


	151. A nice, straightforward, totally platonic man talk

That actually sounds like a win-win situation regarding the Becky thing... a show of good faith that won't make anyone feel too awkward. You should realize that I hate modern art almost as much as I hate cocktail onions (I really, strongly dislike cocktail onions) - I'll make that sacrifice, but only because it's you asking.

Besides, I have a real weak spot for ~~bourbon~~ balls.

AHEM. I’m sure Pep will make time for you after all the work you did taking care of the penthouse reconstruction - she does like you, after all. It really does look nice. I love the countertops on the new bar and the sectioned sink is super convenient so good job there. If things get weird you can just bust out some paint samples or something and talk about how the difference between _purple midnight_ and _dark knight_ or something. That's pretty much all you guys talk about, right?

It's weird that he didn't let you in ... I thought I gave JARVIS the new instructions regarding your access codes. I must have lost track of time again - why don’t you meet me upstairs? No strings attached, but we can talk in private. I’ll come up and meet you around nine. 

It’ll be great. A nice, straightforward, totally platonic man talk.

And no – no hints. I’ve been working like a dog this week and I’ll be damned if I give it away now. The sacrificial alter is pretty comfy, or so I hear – you might as well get used to it.

Tony


	152. It's Hard To Enjoy

T--

I'm touched you're willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me, really. 

~~You're not allowed to make lewd comments and then invite me anywhere platonically~~

I'll tell Becky we'll be there and to save some balls for you, then. 

Really glad to hear you like your new palace. I'm sure it's hard to enjoy it without the Makassar ebony floors and all. Ironically, I put all that work in and I still haven't seen it, although, I guess if I come up tonight, you can show me around. 

I called Miss Potts; we're going to get dinner while she's here. I'm not worried about things being weird; we've always gotten along very well. ~~I guess it might be weird if you and I were~~ I want her to know that my friendship with her is completely independent of my friendship with you. ~~Should I bring her something? Flowers? I feel like I should bring~~

Keep your surprises to yourself, fine. Just know that I have been on a lot of sacrificial altars in my day so you have some tough competition to live up to.

Sure. I'll be up at nine. Straightforward and platonic sounds good. I really do want to reiterate that I just want to talk, though. I think we have a lot of things we need to talk about ~~before we~~ ~~regardless of~~ and I'd like to get them all out on the table. ~~Although I don't think anything is going to be _totally_ platonic between us again.~~ See you then.

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everybody! Looking forward to Chapter 153?


	153. Resolvable Sexual Tension

**[LVL 44 / PENTHOUSE LIVING MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G; STARK.Anthony.E]**

****

**{{BEGIN SURVEILLANCE}}**

[BUZZER RINGS]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve - hi, Steve. Come on in, come in - mi casa es su casa, you know…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yes, I’m aware, seeing as I’ve lived here for how many months? Ah…

[DOOR SHUTS]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hi. Hi. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh, you speak spanish? _Hola, soy un ladrón, y estoy aquí para robar tu corazón._ I - no, seriously. Don’t look so - do you want a drink? I’d love to make you a drink.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I have no idea what you just said up to the drink part. You’re welcome to make me whatever you want, but it had better be tasty, you know, seeing as I can’t get inebriated. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That works for me. How about a Manhattan? Tasty, classic, you can’t go wrong. Sit down - I have hummus, apparently. JARVIS must have stocked the fridge.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, at least someone cares about whether you starve to death. Tony. You don’t have to-- whatever this is--impress me. Apart from your floors. What is this terrible flooring?

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t ask me, I wanted classy ebony floors but some douchebag made me used reclaimed barn crapwood - okay, okay, it looks nice. Good pick, Steve. JARVIS is a gentleman - what would I be if I couldn’t entertain? Come here, sit - drink this - good, right? I know, it’s good.

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Of course it’s good. You probably just poured me two hundred dollar rye. 

[silence]

Tony. Don’t-- what was that thing you said to me a few letters ago about this being _resolvable_ sexual tension? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Jesus, Rogers, what’d they drop in your cheerios this morning? Is - is that actually why you came up here? I - shit, I - I can do that, sure. Okay. Let’s resolve. I mean you wanted to like, try the bed and all so….um…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What? _Stark_ , no-- resolve as in talking. You said platonic. We’re talking. Entirely hands-off. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I - that’s what I thought we were doing, but then you were all “resolvable” and I thought you wanted to...you can't just say things like that, I can't be held responsible for… okay. Okay. Don’t give me that look, I’m being responsible.

We _should_ talk. What - do you want to talk about? I mean, us, obviously - insofar as there is an us, which I realize is slightly presumptuous of me given the current situation of clusterfuckery and -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s _some_ kind of us, for _some_ definition. I just don’t know which-- Tony. I said that because you’re running around flustered and it’s...out of character for you. Just sit down, don’t worry about-- Tony Fucking Stark is not scared of some twenty-seven year old boy who just wants to follow him around Central Park in the freezing cold. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** God, when you mention your age I feel like such a lech - okay, okay, sitting down. I was perfectly calm until you started with the sexual tension and all - I blame you entirely.

I’m not scared of you, Steve - I’m nervous about saying the wrong thing to you. I’m... glad you’re here, I can’t believe you’re here. I know it’s probably weird, but I’m still glad.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, then we’re both nervous. You weren’t calm; that’s why I mentioned it in the first place. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Untrue - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Do you want me to say ‘true’ so you can say ‘untrue’ back and we can repeat ourselves for the next half-hour?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Jesus, Steve, reign in the Cap voice, you look like you’re on a fucking mission - here. Try the hummus.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Maybe I am on a mission. I’m not hungry, Tony. I just...what are we doing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Not eating hummus, that’s for damn sure - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’d be happy writing letters to you forever if we weren’t in the same damn building. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** How come you get to tell me you have no idea what you're doing, but I'm supposed to have an answer? I'm getting over a freaking mini mental breakdown over here, and you're not much better off. I care about you. I want you in every way I could want you. But I also know I'm shit for you and that I need time to pull my shit together, and you need to get over whatever artsy fucking chick you picked up while I was gone - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Because you were gone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Be- …. because I was…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, no...no. “Because” is the wrong word. But I was trying to-- I didn’t think you saw me that way. I thought it would be better to forget it...I don’t know... I thought you were supposed to be a genius or something. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** …. Steve - really? _Really?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, I’m making this all up as I go. Tony, you were-- I thought you were trying to patch things up in California, and then when that didn’t work you went to Japan and I didn’t know when you’d be back and...and I didn’t expect you to be over Miss Potts as it was, and then you started...with all those models and whoever else in Japan, and you didn’t write back to me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I did write - Steve, I… I was trying to patch things up with Pep, but I _knew_ it was over. I just knew it in my gut. I know I told you that over and over, but you seemed to think I could make it work, so I … I mean, no. It wasn’t what you said that made me do it. I wanted to, even though I knew it was done.

And the models - look, that wasn’t anything. I just wanted someone there, and everyone I wanted was seven thousand miles away, so I just …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I offered to fly out. You didn’t answer. You sent me postcards that were completely disconnected from anything I said, and didn’t even get posted until a few days before you crashed your car. I asked you if I’d done something wrong, you didn’t reply at all. I took that as a pretty definitive _yes, you have_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ….

…

Look, I didn’t want you to know how fucked up I was, okay? I didn’t want you to see that. You treated me like I was this fascinating, interesting, funny person and I didn’t want to shit all over the way you saw me. Fucking - fucking shitty tabloid press, publicizing every night out - I wanted you to, you know. Keep looking at me the way you did. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** The way I did? As the man who leaves his underwear on the table and whines when someone eats his takeout when the Chinese restaurant is two blocks away?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Not... that. That was before this got... Do you remember that day when I fixed the fountain at the mansion, and I was all covered in slime and you looked at me and just busted out laughing? There was something in that look that I just… I didn’t want you to be disappointed.

[SILENCE]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That was...I think that was the day I realized I...No. Look. Do you understand my point, at least? I _see_ both of those. They’re both you. I know I need to accept the underwear and the Chinese food if I want things like the mansion and the zoo. I know you’re a mess. Most of it’s in your file. I’m a mess. I’m not going to be disappointed. I’ve sort of seen most of the worst already.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Ha. Oh, you say that.

…

Look. I know there are - plenty of reasons that we should stop this right here. I get it, believe me, I know. And if you decide you’re not interested in me romantically - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, I don’t think--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I know that’s not a thing you get to decide, but if you don’t want to act on that kind of thing I’ll respect your choice and we can figure out how to be okay with that. I just - wanted to do my falling apart away from you. You’ve got this way of … you blame yourself for everything, even things that are in no way your fault. I thought it would be better if we were apart.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You could have told me that. I would have...no. I came up here intending to say that we...you and I, I think we both have enough that needs to be sorted out separately. Individually, I mean. But I just...I don’t know what to do with you. Sometimes it’s difficult to be in the same room with you, and I...I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** So you don’t… you don’t think this is one of those two-heads-are-better-than-one sort of situations. Okay. 

Is that what you meant, when you wrote that bit about staring into the sun ...? Ah. That I’m difficult to be around? I don’t mean to be.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [snort] Tell that to the rest of the team. I-- I don’t mean that kind of difficult. I-- give me a second, it’s not-- it’s not the kind of thing you just _say_.

[silence]

So when I was a kid, there was this cat. An alley cat, right? A big, grey tom. And I loved that cat. My mother wouldn’t let me, you know, bring it into the house or anything, and she’d scold me for going too close, because, well...you know. Asthma and cats don’t really mix. But I couldn’t keep away from it; I just liked watching it, watching it figure out how to get into the trash cans, or leap onto ledges, or...whatever it was doing. 

And one day, I got too close, I guess, I decided to try to pet it-- I was _really_ young, five, or six-- and it scratched me. Really scratched me. I had this horrible red, welty thing down my arm.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ugh, cats, please tell me it wasn’t diseased or anything - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no, that’s not the point. I just-- I ran into the apartment, crying and howling my lungs out, and of course I started wheezing, and my mother...well, she was her usual calm, decent self about it, but she pointed out that she’d warned me, and she knew the cat was hard to stay away from, but it was for my own good, and here...and she gave me a pencil and paper and told me to draw the cat instead.

And, you know, the next day I went out and tried to pet the cat again. It’s like that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ...wait, I’m the _cat_? I’m the mangy nasty spiteful alley cat in this metaphor? I liked it better when I was the sun. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Tony_. I was five. The cat was so damn beautiful I couldn’t keep away from it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** … I guess _that’s_ alright, then. … But - I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to let me hurt you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** And who blames himself for everything? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I just can’t help wanting to help you through these things when you talk to me about them. I mean - I look at you sometimes and you just seem so overwhelmed and I really, really want to take whatever share of the load I can - and I know I have my own shit to deal with, I’m not over Pep and I don’t want you to be my shitty rebound, hence, you know, seeking company elsewhere, I just want… I don’t know. Us to be like we were, at the mansion, when it was just us. How ridiculous does that sound?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I won't let myself be a shitty rebound. It’s not ridiculous. What’s ridiculous is that I can’t be around you without simultaneously wanting to kiss you and thinking it’s a terrible idea.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s not - necessarily terrible. We - could we try it and just see, you know, for the sake of argument. And science. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, I’m not sure--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I know I promised platonic conversation - but damn it, Steve, you’re driving me fucking crazy, I think about you constantly, it’s driving me to distraction and I’m getting nothing done. I think about it all the time. I think it would be - so -

[muffled sounds of movement]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I was serious about that. Tony. Is this really how you want to do this? The man I know says and does whatever he damn well pleases; he doesn't act like he's afraid of his own shadow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** The only thing I’m afraid of is you not giving me a chance. If we don’t do it this way, then how?! If you don’t know what you want, why not fucking try and see if this is it?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know I don’t want you pleading with me. Move over.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Well - well. Make yourself right at home, Mr. Rogers. I wasn’t pleading. Pep took the wind out of my sails, alright? Tony fucking Stark is brilliant at many things, but navigating relationships has never been one of them. You realize she’s like - only the second girl I’ve dated for more than six months, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ve read your file. You know I still have vastly less experience in that realm than you, right? 

[movement]

Is this okay?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course it’s okay, if it’s comfortable. But I’m gonna do this - you can’t put your head in my lap and expect me to not touch your hair. I really - it’s very touchable, your hair.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Mmm...not strictly hands-off, but. Hmm. Yes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve - there’s a lot more to me than what’s in my file. You may be inexperienced, but most of my experience is terrible. It’s not exactly a confidence booster.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...I know that. I mean, I know you’re not what’s in your file. I just...you’re making it hard to think, you know. So you’re...what, worried?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You have this way of - I work at least 17% less efficiently when you walk through the damn door. It’s ridiculous…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I somehow get the impression that you’ve actually measured your work efficiency for that variable. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course I’m worried. The last time I took a chance on someone I was close to as friends, who I also worked with - I mean I know everyone says it’s a recipe for disaster; I just wasn’t expecting them to be so right. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony. I know. This is the mistake part. I am being the absolute worst team leader I could _be_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Numbers I can do. Numbers line up nice and neat and make perfect sense.

You know the Avengers don’t have any kind of anti-fraternization policies, right? It’s not the army.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s not about policy. It’s bad form. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Bad - why - Isn’t the whole reason you moved here so that the team could get closer together? Well, good news. We’re pretty damn close.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Close enough to poke in the nose. God, this is terrible.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Go easy on my nose, I need that! [chuckling] Can’t we just call it a team-building exercise? Fury would love it.

[laughter] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Fury wouldn’t let me use SHIELD resources to fly to Japan anymore. Hm. That’s better. Hi. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hi, you. Comfy?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’d be comfier if you remembered to eat more often. Your knees are all bony…

I want things to be like they were at the mansion, too. That was pretty damn near perfect. You know, with maybe a little less uncertainty. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** And more - ah, ahem. More of this. And definitely more blo---OW! Don’t swat me!

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t push it, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...come on, don’t give me those eyes, I can’t stand it - I love your eyes. And your arms. Especially your arms.

Wait, did Fury not pay for your transport to Japan? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** SHIELD flew me out. Mostly because I found out it was going to take eight hours to get me on a commercial flight and I decided I couldn’t wait. 

I love your-- this. Thing. Under your mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [slurping sounds] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** No licking! 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** LOOK. You practically stuck your fingers in my mouth. You knew the risks, Cap. Also, usually when people are complimenting my thing, they’re pointing much further south - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Tony_. I don’t know what it’s called! Just--the spot where your lip curls over, I-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Aren’t you romantic. I’m sorry you had to follow me out there; maybe not so sorry it ended up with us having an actual conversation about this, though. I _really_ had no idea …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re the stupidest genius I’ve ever met.

[inaudible]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve… god, do you know how long I - mmm.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Of course I do. That’s also in your file.

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m gonna have to read this fucking file, aren’t I? Kiss me again. Actually, here - let me - I want to really feel you.

[sounds of movement] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah...hands up here. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve... 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [throat clearing] So I’m fascinated by your idea of a platonic conversation and curious as to what would have happened if this wasn’t supposed to be one.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [lip smacking] Well, there’d be way fewer clothes involved, for starters, and I’d have had you up against the wall well before you made it to the couch. 

[inaudible]

We’re talking! It technically IS a discussion. 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Shirt stays on. Is this what we’re doing, then? This, mansions, you falling in ponds?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** If you’re down with it, absolutely. 

[inaudible]

Whatever you want, Steve. Just - 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Just what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I just - want you to remember how bad I am at this. I warned you. I’m - messy, and you’re all hospital corners and fucking fantastic french toast.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hmm. I should make you french toast again. I...that’s not how it gets to work. You don’t get to warn people you’ll mess up. You may be Tony Fucking Stark, but I’m Captain Fucking America, and you’d just damn well better be good enough. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I didn’t say I’d mess up, I said I’m _messy_. Can we pencil the Cap Voice into the “major turn-ons” column? Because _seriously_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It can go on the list right after you talking about pinning me to the wall. You said you’re bad at this. You’re also the smartest man in the world. That goes in the turn-ons column, too. Don’t keep making excuses for yourself. The excuses go in the _other_ column. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _This_ I’m good at. It’s the whole - look, not to be awkward and ramble about my ex while we’re spooning on my couch, but I learned a lot from Pepper. I think we can make this work, or I wouldn’t be here. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Talk about her all you want; it doesn’t bother me. All right. I...I don’t think it’s fair to say we know what _this_ is yet. And I’m honestly-- kissing you doesn’t make the problems go away, and there’s that...annoying part of my conscience telling me I should put a stop to this. I just...what you said, about sharing the load. I’d-- I’d like that, if you really mean it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course I meant it; it’s a logical application of our resources, right? And - we don’t have to label this, or even … I mean I’d like some ground rules, if only because I operate best when I have clear parameters, but beyond that we can feel it out as we go.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ground rules? As in...what? What would those be?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** … I mean. Are we seeing other people? Is this a secret? Are we - you know, telling the team - do I get to hold your hand during movie night, or are we waiting ‘til we figure it out? Are the sleepovers - sexy sleepovers, or -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good job taking the romance out of everything, Stark. I don’t…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** No - don’t ‘Stark’ me, Steve. I can do romance, I fucking promise you that. But I need to know where your lines are. I don’t want to wreck whatever this is because I don’t know where to stop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. I. I didn’t expect talking about this sort of thing was really your cup of tea...I was sort of surprised we were even…I don’t-- Tony, I have no idea where my lines are. I’ve never really had a chance to-- You’ve dated two women for more than six months. I’ve dated _one_ for more than _a_ month. I guess maybe...maybe I would have talked to Peggy about this kind of thing, but then I...you know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, I know.

[silence]

I guess. With Pepper I didn’t really talk - I mean we talked, but it was usually over each other or at each other. I want to do this right, and be fair, and … well. To not have it end in flames. If i’m flying blind, you just have to promise to tell me when things aren’t… I don’t know. What you want them to be.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Honestly? This is kind of overwhelming. I just wanted to kiss you. To be exact, I wanted to sit there and not kiss you even though I wanted to, but then the whole idea of just shaking hands on the fact that this had gotten stupid and unbearable seemed...well, stupid and unbearable. Look, I’ve just...I’ve wanted to be right here for months and you’re talking rules and regulations and...I don’t know. Is it all right to just want to kiss you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I … didn’t mean for it to sound that way, I just thought - after sitting through months of couples counseling, listening to people drone on about communication and integrity…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Is that what you-- Tony, we’ve been writing each other for months; I hardly think communication or integrity are lacking.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ve been told I’m surprisingly good at saying everything and nothing all at once.

...you know what - let’s just stick with the kissing. I mean, I _am_ Time Magazine’s Two Time Sexiest Man Alive. You’re a lucky guy.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, I know I am. And I know you don’t do anything by halves. But I sort of need...well. Some things to be done in tenths. I mean...I know I’ve already said...I don’t really think I...I told you I didn’t want to date people...I don’t even want… 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [sounds of movement] Okay - okay, okay, I get it, you can just -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony! Don’t-- Sit the hell back down, would you? Listen. I don’t want to _date_. I want you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] ...that. I liked this conversation better when I was flush against your.... Here. I bet your lap is even more comfortable than my fucking fantastic couch. 

[sounds of movement]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hi. I...look. Yes. If you’d just let me-- I want this. I want to sit and talk. With you in my lap. I want to go to the mansion and look through the piles of esoteric shit Howard stored up. I want to sleep in your ridiculous sixty-thousand dollar bed and make you French toast and if it’s really that important to you, if it means that much to you, I’ll take that damn job and design your logos. It’s just-- I had a _fantastic_ few years of going on dates with girls who would leave with someone else as soon as they got a good look at me. Dating is a lot of sitting around telling half-lies to people you barely know. I know you better than anybody; I don’t need that with you, and I don’t see myself doing it with anyone else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** So … yeah. Yeah to everything, even the fucking creepy Howard stuff, and I’d be really fucking pleased if you took the job. 

So you - you want exactly what we were doing before. But I get to kiss you, right? 

[inaudible]

oh, good - [inaudible] - wherever I want?

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Unless you mean, you know...outside the Tower. I...still want to think about that.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Nnf - come on, god, you fucking tease. Nibbling on my ear and telling me to wait? Captain Mixed Messages, reporting for duty - 

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I already broke my hands-off rule and my no-kissing rule. No more rule-breaking tonight.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ha - yeah, but okay, okay - let me know what you decide, because fuck - Steve -

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t-- I just want some time to think about this. You still owe me a dinner where I don’t get hit by concrete. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [heavy breathing] Oh… yeah, okay, okay. Yeah. I should probably climb out of your lap, though, or I can’t be held responsible for my actions.

[sounds of movement]

Yeah, dinner. Um - tomorrow, what are you doing tomorrow night?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Whatever you tell me to. This is probably exactly the wrong time to ask you to show me this bed, isn't it?

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You utter bastard. I'm vetoing the shirt-stays-on rule if you're sleeping in my bed - it's a really fucking nice bed. Come on.

**{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}**

**{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is the three-month mark since we began the fic. As always, thank you so much for your continued reads, kudos, comments, recs-- we so appreciate our wonderful wonderful audience! :-D


	154. You Were Making French Toast

**[LVL 44 / PENTHOUSE BEDROOM MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G; STARK.Anthony.E]**

****

**{{BEGIN SURVEILLANCE}}**

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmmm, come on you - you’re like an octopus, all squishy limbs and - I gotta take this call, Steve. Don’t go anywhere, okay? I’ll be right back.

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hi. Uh. Morning. I won’t-- Hmmm. I take back everything bad I said about your bed. Not moving. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Told you so, sugarplum. Go on, wallow - you know you want to. 

[door slides open]

****

[LV44 KITCHEN SENSORS ACTIVE]

[rustling, scraping, drawers opening and closing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay, let’s see here.....

[clanking]

Step one, burner on medium.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Pan on stove, butter in pan - check. Crack eggs in bowl - how many eggs? How much bread can two dudes eat? ...he’s fucking insatiable, maybe I need another loaf of bread. 

[rustling, pantry doors opening and closing]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay, no shells, no shells - shit! Damn it.

[eggs splatting in sink]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Take two. No shells, no shells, no - fuck yeah, I am the _best._ Now, add milk to bowl, not pan - again with the no measurements, what the fuck, Steve. You can’t do science without numbers, and this is - kind of food science, right? Right. And science is my bitch, so.

Burner to medium low. Okay. I wonder if the butter is supposed to be that brown. Maybe if I swish it around....

[dipping, slopping sounds]

Okay, bread gets toasted and then... _Steve_. God, these instructions are awful, don’t quit your day job, Captain fucking America…

[Toaster popping]

Toast in eggs, one at a time, so the toast goes here... wait, do I have to cook these all individually? What a pain in the ass, no wonder people eat this shit out of a microwave. Okay. There's not even a time here, he is playing fast and loose with kitchen safety here...

[pan scraping, bread flipping]

That looks… good I think. JARVIS, what do you think?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** It looks perfectly edible, sir. Very commendable. I haven’t seen you attempt to cook since the Great Spaghetti Fiasco of 2007.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You just LOVE bringing that up, don’t you. How come mine’s not smiling? Steve’s illustrated toasts were all smiley and enthused about being devoured. 

“Stop bothering Cap…?” Man, Captain America used to be such a dick. How did he ever ....

[cooking sounds continue]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay, that’s like a thousand slices of bread. I need a bloody Mary, damn it. Watch this for me, J. I’ll be right back.

**[TOWER SECURITY: FIRE ALARM ACTIVATED]**

****

[LV44 MASTER BEDROOM SENSORS ACTIVE]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony?! Tony, is everything all right out there?!

[door slides open]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** SHIT! Shit - shit shit what the actual fuck, does butter _burn_??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Of course butter bur-- What were you--

[snapping sounds, running water] 

You were actually cooking? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** NO. I mean. I - I guess I was trying to cook - look, I’m sorry, I was just…. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** You were making french toast. You-- no, no, this is fine, here. Rinse the pan. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay. Uh - I need a little scraper thing or something, there’s all this black - why don’t we just throw this away? I have other pans. _Better_ pans.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s a hundred dollar French skillet. I will kill you if you throw that away. Hot water. Soap. Scrubby sponge. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Steve_. Seriously, Steve, I am a _billionaire_ and I don’t want to do dishes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Best time to learn, then, isn’t it? Scrubby sponge. Here.

**STARK.Anthony.E:**

You know what, this might actually be the first time I’ve ever done dishes. This is my dishes-virginity, Steve! Be gentle. 

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Then put on some gloves. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** There are gloves? Hey - someone put gloves under my sink, good. One should always use protection.

[latex snapping]

[running water, scrubbing]

[snorting sounds]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay - okay. Pan clean. We start from the top, right? Butter in pan. We might want to do the eggs again, there might still be some shell in there.

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Butter in pan. Eggs...All right. Let me see how you crack an egg?

[silence, tapping sounds]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Shit. It’s really hard to -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** **Not with a spoon!** No one ever taught you how to crack an egg? Why didn’t you Google it?

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We had a chef! And Jesus, why google that? It’s pretty simple, apply appropriate levels of force and taa-daa, egg.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Taa-daa, egg splattered on counter with bits of shell in it, you mean. All right. Pick up an egg.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Egg elevated to the appropriate position, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** This is the important part. Ready? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ready as I’ll ever be. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Kiss me.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I - mmm. Okay…

[crack, sploosh]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ACK!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s all right. You need practice. Get another egg. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Do I get another kiss? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** After you crack the egg properly.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Alright, alright. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** ...Which at this rate, doesn’t look good. Ahem. Hold it like this. Over the bowl. Flick your wrist. 

[Sound of egg cracking]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Alright, Cap, pay up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good man. 

[inaudible] 

Milk now. In the bowl with the egg. About this much. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Alright - there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Get a whisk.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** A wha-? 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That was for the look on your face. A whisk. One of these. Stir the milk and eggs together until you have, well, thick yellowish milk.

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I think our french toast should see a doctor for that, it’s definitely not normal. You didn’t say you should mix it in your instructions - I followed them very precisely, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** It was in the written recipe. This was supposed to be a supplement. Come on, stir up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hmph. Is that - okay, is that enough? Now we toast the bread, right? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s what the pan is for. You-- Tony, did you toast the french toast?

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Look, it’s french toast, not french bread. That’s a tooootally different deal, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** That is explicitly NOT in my instructions. Heat on on the stove. Bread goes in egg. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** But - toast! French _toast_!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Toasted in a _pan_. Dunk. And then you get another kiss.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Fine._ Should we do a couple and let them sit, or will the egg drip… mmm.

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ll take over dipping now that you have the hang of it. Just stick those ones in the pan. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Aye aye, captain. Golden brown, incoming.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good. That looks good. It needs to get flipped pretty quickly. 

[sizzling sounds] 

About now.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Perfection. That’s pretty hot, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** So’s the cook. Do you want me to take over, or finish the rest?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I got this, butterbeans. Go find some motherfucking syrup - I am _starved_. 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good work. Next time, pancakes.

****

**{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING….}}**

**{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [YEAH TOAST!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpKPqUCm60c) (SFW - toast is VERY EXCITING so turn your speakers low XD)


	155. Lied To Me

Tony--

You're in the other room on the phone, and I thought maybe I'd use the time to get some thoughts down on paper. 

I've been thinking (as much as I could think last night and this morning) about your request for ground rules. And I feel like…you know, I say some stupid things sometimes. When I write things down, I have more time to consider them with a clear head. And I really wasn't expecting that request. 

1) Dating: I told you, I don't want to date anyone. I guess I said that already. I don't feel like I should be telling you what you can and can't do, though. I just worry about you when I see you out with people and can tell it's because you're unhappy and not because you genuinely want to be around them. Just…tell me what you want to do here, all right? 

2) Telling people: I don't know. I'm concerned about what people will think. I know…logically, I understand that we're in a different time and place than I'm used to, but I'm still worried about what people will think about my judgment as a team leader. Although I'm also worried what they will think about my judgment as a team leader if they find out I haven't disclosed something like this. Beyond that, New York isn't the rest of the country, and…the celebrity thing. I need to maintain a certain reputation that no one expects from you. It's a lose-lose situation for me. I have to think on it some more. 

3) You still haven't managed to come to a movie night. Sit next to me the next time we have one. 

4) Your bed is possibly the greatest piece of furniture I have ever had the privilege of

 

So an interesting thing happened. An alarm went off in the kitchen, and I went to see what was wrong, and it turns out that the man I just spent the night with had lied to me about having an important phone call.

He lied to me so he could make me breakfast. 

He lied to me so he could make me breakfast using a recipe I wrote when I thought he was possibly the most inveterate ass I would ever meet in my life and I was sick and tired of even trying to communicate with him. 

I want to tell you more about him, but I am so entirely smitten that I might be a little embarrassed to commit any of it to words. And I might be a little reticent to let you read it. 

I've entirely lost the train of thought I had before. Just tell me if I've missed something, or…well. Anything, really. I want to keep writing. I don't care if I spend every minute with you; I'll still write you letters. 

\--S


	156. Your best worst idea ever.

Steve—

This might be the nicest letter anyone has ever written me. 

Feel free to heap praises on this dazzling stranger, he sounds absolutely magnificent. I’ll do my best not to feel jealous, I promise.

It turns out cooking is actually kind of entertaining when you do it with the right person; a little bit like edible science. A lot of my science is semi-edible – as in I eat things that are overall quite questionable – but I didn’t even get a stomach ache after our little foodsperiment, so I count that as a win despite the fire alarms going off.

~~I think that’s the first letter about your feelings that you’ve actually attached your name to~~

You do realize that you explained to me all of the reasons you didn’t want to date me, then asked me out on a dinner date? I guess when it comes down to it I use the term dating as though it were synonymous with “being in a relationship”. You don’t have to decide whether we are or aren’t, or call it anything you don’t want to or even anything at all; right now I’m just enjoying the ride.

We don’t have to tell anyone, but the team is probably going to start wondering why you’re sleeping in the penthouse. Assuming that the bed full of diamonds was comfortable enough to tempt you back. I suspect you’re like a cat with an empty box – unescapably drawn to my massive, comfortable sleep space and Time Magazine’s Two Time Sexiest Bedwarmer Alive. 

(kiss my ass, shitty Ikea furniture!)

anyway. Please do keep writing. It was your best worst idea ever.

 

Tony


	157. From the Sketchbook

T--

\--S 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all!
> 
> This is not a planned chapter: this is just a little addition because two AWESOME things happened yesterday:
> 
> 1) We made it to 50K hits!  
> 2) We are now actually, for real, the _most-commented_ Marvel fanfiction on Ao3. Not just Stony, not just Avengers, but the most-commented out of almost 60,000 Marvel-related fics. 
> 
> That's kind of amazing. As always, we are so ridiculously happy to be able to share our fanfic with all your wonderful readers, and so pleased and appreciative that you are all willing to spend your time reading, commenting, and sharing this story with your friends. We love our readers and we love the comments section on every single letter. 
> 
> Tea is away at her parents' house, so apologies for the blurry iPhone photo. But here's a little something to thank you for being so great!
> 
> \--Tea & Rain


	158. All My Love And Affection

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: WHAT THE HELL

my dear fellow housemates,

can someone please explain why the everliving fuck i was roused from my slumbers at six thirty in the morning by a smoke alarm going off in the penthouse ANTHONY EDWARD STARK?

with all my love and affection,

clint.


	159. My sweet little cupcake!

from: Tony Stark([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: WHAT THE HELL

Chill out, Katniss,

Cap and I pulled an all-nighter testing functionality on a new unit I've been working on; there was a brief sleep-deprivation induced cooking attempt by your truly. Now you know why JARVIS doesn't let me into the shared kitchen....

Next time I'll bring you some, my sweet little cupcake. It was carbonized and _delicious._

T


	160. You Shouldn't Have

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL

aw, peeta, you shouldn't have burned that loaf of bread just for me. ESPECIALLY AT six-thirty in the morning.

may the odds be ever in your favor,

katniss.


	161. Oh, dear.

from: N.R. ([NR11232@gmail.com](%20))  
to: [doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL

B--

_> >Cap and I pulled an all-nighter_

Oh, dear.

Kisses,

\--N


	162. Yours

from: ([doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: [NR11232@gmail.com](%20)  
subject: Re: WHAT THE HELL

N-

I spotted that too. Snorted coffee all over my monitor - whoops. 

Yours,

  
-B


	163. I know how much you like science.

Tony,

I just keep thinking about what the last few months might have been like if I hadn't decided to be a stubborn, sarcastic bastard that day. And I can't imagine it. The funny thing is, I knew I was being an ass, I knew I was being unprofessional, but I did it anyway. I guess I need to start making more unprofessional decisions. They seem to work out for me.

It's more the bedwarmer than the bed, I have to admit. And I am starting to understand your request for ground rules because I might have to make one of them 'no sheets with either of our faces on them.' But yes, I'd like to keep sleeping in your penthouse. Just…you know…I think the inclination to permanently install myself there might be a little strong, and I don't want to completely invade, so please tell me what you need in terms of personal space.

Anyway, I finally got furniture for a real adult person while you were away, and you still haven't seen it. I spent exactly one-one-hundredth of the cost of your mattress on my new mattress and it is the single most expensive thing I have ever purchased for myself, so you should see how they compare. In the name of science. I know how much you like science.

I guess maybe people use the term dating differently now. I think of it as what people do when they're first getting to know each other, and, well, we've already done that, if maybe not in the most conventional sense. (Which of course means it was heads and tails better). I don't think of going out to dinner with you as dating. I think of it as spending time with ~~the man I~~ the person I've already chosen to prioritize.

Thanks for the, uh, nice save on the email chain there. It gives me a little more time at least. It's not that I don't want them to know, I have to think about the best approach. The team, I mean. I think the larger world can keep their nose out of this one. But I don't like the idea of being dishonest to people we have to trust in hazardous working conditions, so whatever other reservations I might have, I think that's the trump card. Clint was asking me about what happened with Becky while we were out today and I felt like I couldn't give him a straight answer without talking about you, too. I don't want my life to be like that. Too honest for my own good, right? 

Anyway, I was out with Clint because we went down to the Strand so I could buy you something. Which he thinks is for me. So…you probably already know about this, but there's apparently this television show about food science hosted by a chef called Alton Brown. And he has a couple of cookbooks, so the first one in the series is sitting outside the penthouse door for you, with your very own butane kitchen torch. Cooking is a kind of science, it's very rooted in chemistry (or so I'm told-- I know cooking, chemistry, not so much). So if reading about the science helps you relate to it better, I thought that might be nice for you. If you want to keep learning to cook, I'd love to show you. Let me give you another lesson for dinner sometime this week-- I can show you something easy you can make yourself, like lasagna or shepherd's pie. Or feel free to suggest something you'd like to learn. I'll make dessert, too. With the torch.

See you for dinner,

Steve

PS if it's not too much to ask, can I maybe get access to your penthouse? So I can do things like cook dinner and leave presents and accidentally throw out your Iron Man sheets when you're not around?


	164. Tasted good enough to wear.

Steve –

You're my favorite stubborn bastard at the moment. You should feel good about that - my life is packed with 'em.

Did you just invite me back to your room? Heavens to Betsy, I’m blushing like a Sunday bride. I think we might need to run a few exhaustive tests on these mattresses to see exactly how they compare.

For now, though, I’m glad you came up with me last night. ~~I haven't slept so well in~~ ... ~~I really~~ ... ~~oh fuck it~~ I haven't slept so well in years. I wish I was kidding, but you make a phenomenal combination pillow/blanket. 

I'm faced with a bit of a conundrum at the moment, and it's keeping me up at night.... I’m trying to decide on my favorite flavor of Steve. Maple-syrupy French toast had a really strong start, but the Late Night Champagne is growing on me, not to mention the smokily sexy Whiskey Nightcap flavor, which tasted good enough to wear. I was even weirdly into Toothpaste Steve because seriously, Steve Rogers and his Captain America toothbrush?? Oddly hot.

Bacon Flavored Steve was almost overwhelming in its tastiness – I’m not used to resisting out and out temptation but I think I did alright as I kept my hands entirely above the belt. The breakfast was fucking delicious if I do say so myself. I cracked six whole eggs – does that mean I’ve leveled up as a chef?

Maybe eventually you’ll even trust me around the skillet unsupervised – you actually handed me a butane torch, after all, that must mean I’m moving in the right direction. You do realize I’m a master welder, right? Like an honest to god AWS certified Master Welder? Bring on the crème brûlée mother _fuckers_.

 

As far as the team goes – we can do whatever you want, Steve. I’d like to tell them if only because then I get wear you like a blanket during our next movie night. (Your stupid holiday social hours are derailing my attempts to show you and Thor Star Wars, what is that about??) And you’re right – given that we all risk our lives together, it’d probably be nice if they knew…but honestly, I’ve felt this way about you for a while now and it hasn’t affected me in the field. That’s – I mean I guess I feel like Iron Man and Captain America have a pretty unshakable foundation regardless of what Steve Rogers and Tony Stark are up to. After all, we did alright in the field before we became friends (and by that I mean back when we hated each others' guts).

Anyway, I have to get back to work on something sinister and science-y, like killer mold or my robosecurity dog project ... you should be afraid. Be very afraid. I think I'm gonna give him your eyes, just like the Mutts at the end of Hunger Games. AW YEAH.

T

PS. You're on the access list - you had me at "presents". Play nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Merry Christmas, Everybody!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1100945)


	165. And The Octopus

Tony,

If you keep taking me to dinners like last night's, I will keep making breakfast for you. You did very well with the eggs. You should be extremely, beaming proud of yourself. I'll give you one of the little star pins I give the kids when I volunteer at the hospital.

Dinner was fantastic. Really. I was hesitant, I have to admit, when you said pork cheek and truffles on a pizza, but it was absolutely delicious. And the beets. And the octopus. And the salty peanut gelato. 

Although I've got to say, it was an odd experience having someone else order for me. I've ordered for ladies before, you know, back in the thirties and forties. Certainly never had a lady order for me. But even then, I was usually asking them what they wanted, not just waving a hand and making food appear from the back. It was _very_ Tony Fucking Stark of you. 

I was a little disappointed that guanciale-truffle pizza Steve didn't make the list after you talked it up so spectacularly...and managed to catch me off-guard when our waiter had left. I spent the rest of the evening terrified someone would notice the mess you made of my tie. Really, toothpaste? Toothpaste made it onto the list before that? I know that has got to have something to do with why you had a Captain America toothbrush in your bathroom in the first place.

I am starting to feel as if between your food knowledge and my cooking skills, we could be a force to be reckoned with. Should we challenge Clint and Natasha to a cookoff? Thor and Banner can be the judges. Although Banner will be politely noncommittal and Thor will be impolitely indiscriminate.

Is this what you mean when you talk about dating? Because this, I like. 

Of course I know about the welding. That, also, is in your file. How do you think I selected a kitchen gadget for you? I'll show you how to brûlée tonight...that's actually what I had planned. It's probably a little more delicate than what you're used to, but the concept is the same.

About the team... I know, I know I still have to see Star Wars. You didn't hear the excuses I made when Becky expressed her incredulity that I hadn't seen it. But on a more serious note, you know they're going to ask questions...especially of you. It's...it's been what, a month and a half? Two months? Since you and Pepper split up? You yourself told me you didn't think you were ready for this kind of thing...and now we're in the middle of...this kind of thing. And, well, given your track record... And the age difference... And the fact that you own this building, and pay most of my bills...and probably a half a dozen other concerns I have yet to foresee... I think you're likely to be fielding some criticism. Don't get me wrong, I expect to get it, too, just not quite the same type of criticism, you know? 

I guess I just want to be prepared.

I also...can't help but ask you...when you say you've felt this way...how long has it been? If you want to tell me. 

Thanks for access. There's something waiting in your fridge. Although you might want to check the door sensors...they slammed shut on my elbow, gave me a pretty good bump and I might have, uh, dented the door a little.

I guess...there's one more thing we should put on the "to talk about" list. You're having lunch with Miss Potts. I'm having dinner with her. I...it's your call, Tony. She's your friend and your CEO and you're the one with the past relationship. And I know those wounds are fresh and raw and I'm sure its going to take a long time for that to get better. I won't outright lie (I know you know that about me and wouldn't expect me to), but whatever you want me to say, how much, anything you don't want me to say...I'll do whatever you ask. I know how important she is to you.

Come down to my room when you're done with your terrifying robot dog. You really had better not have given anything my eyes, or I'm revoking...well, rights to something yet to be determined. I got Makassar ebony flooring installed; it's much nicer than your shitty barnwood flooring. 

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony took Steve to [Otto](http://www.ottopizzeria.com/home.cfm) for dinner. Everything mentioned in this chapter is on their menu, and Tea has eaten it.


	166. mooooooooooose

Steve,

I love it when you compliment me. Keep ‘em coming, creampuff.

Look – I only ordered for you because I had a very specific list of things you were required to try. Someday when you're all grown up you’re welcome to take me to YOUR favorite restaurants and order everything for me in a proud and manly fashion; I am totally okay with that.

Guanciale-truffle pizza Steve _was_ delicious, but not so delicious as the expression of surprise on your face when I went in for the kill. I could get used to that.

I think maybe I should learn to cook more than scrambled eggs and French toast before we challenge anyone to a cook-off. You should realize by now that I really hate losing, Steve, (remember Game Night that one time that I actually showed up?) so I’d be obligated to pay off the judges as well, and you know that would put Banner in a terrible position morally.

Look – I know what people are going to say. Part of my brain is saying it too – you’re a kid. You’re inexperienced. Maybe I’m taking advantage of you by attempting to seduce someone that I have some degree of financial control over – you made a big point of turning down the job my company offered, but realistically it won't make much of a difference. I put you up, feed you, and am largely responsible for funding Avengers Initiative related SHIELD expenses…. That’s not SI’s money on the line, that’s mine. I know you feel weird about it. I feel weird that you're my team leader which is, you know, sketch and all for a totally different reason. 

All of that is going to happen. Nat will (continue to) think I’m a lech, Clint will mock us endlessly, Bruce will probably be moderately uncomfortable with the arrangement and Thor will – well, be Thor. Fury will be furious.

Huh. If you weren’t so fucking …

Huh.

 

How long have I had feelings for you? Longer than I’m willing to admit.

You know what, maybe I should just

 

 

OKAY. I’M BACK. AND SLIGHTLY LESS DRUNK. I think. I might actually be more drunk but I can’t remember.

I was getting kind of depressed thinking about all the reasons I’m terrible for you but the fucking enormous chocolate mousse you snuck into my fridge (you weren't kidding about the dent) kind of helped with that. I think I ate about half of it – when I no longer fit into my armor I’m blaming you, foul tempter. If only I had someone here to lick the chocolate off my fingers and the corners of my lips....

~~Please don't dump me because I balloon up on chocolate mousse - can you dump someone you're not dat~~

I don’t know what to tell Pepper. I feel like everything I expected from her was wrong so… I really have no clue how she’ll respond to “btw I’m not-dating this dude I live with.” And really I mean – 

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll tell her I’m thinking about dating and like, test the waters, and then we can decide where we are and what we tell her…. 

Let me think about it.

 

T

P.S. The moose drawing you taped onto your mousse is now your caller ID photo. Mooooooose.


	167. Signatures required on pages 7, 13 and 19.

December 15, 2013  
Cap. Steven Rogers  
1796 Broadway  
Suite 1776  
New York New York 10019

Dear Cap. Rogers:

On behalf of myself as well as my colleagues in the Design department, I'd like to welcome you to the Stark Industries family. 

Attached is the required employment paperwork for you to sign and return at your earliest convenience, including your contract (signatures required on pages 7, 13 and 19, all others to be initialed in the bottom right hand corner), I-9, W-2, background check clearance, blank fingerprint request template, confidentiality agreements, orientation packet, company policy manual, direct deposit form, commuter card form, corporate gym/meal plan/day care services requests, information on your benefit package including optional health & retirement services, and mandatory internet safety training and sexual harassment training sign ups (course offered monthly and to be completed within your first three months of employment). You will be expected to bring a 2x2 passport-styled photo to your first day of work so that your employee ID & access badge can be produced.

My colleague New York based Head of Human Resources, Avery Clark, will be expecting you on the 13th floor of our New York facility at 9:30 am on Monday, January 6th.

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact Avery Clark at A.Clark@StarkIndustries.com

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	168. Moose Moose Moose

Tony--

Creampuff? I'm not your sugarplum anymore? I'm going to have a hard time keeping up with all these sugary nicknames. 

I took the job. Officially. I'll be starting after the new year. There are still some details to work out, but as soon as I get my first paycheck, I am taking you out to dinner. I would pick the restaurant and order like I own the place, except that I don't know very many nice restaurants. So if you want to pick and order like you own the place again, we can do that, and I'll pick up the check, and lick the corners of your mouth when you're done. 

(And yes. I know it might be expensive. I can splurge on this. I'm willing to spend a few hundred dollars to do it right. Really.) 

Give me a month and you'll be a master welding chef. Promise. I guess…I don't really care if I win games. I do it for the companionship, really. Besides, you obviously haven't seen Clint or Natasha cook. Natasha can microwave oatmeal and bake a potato. Clint is the worst cook I've ever met, but he's somehow capable of making these oatmeal-peanut-butter-chocolate-chip-potato-chip-pretzel cookies that I could eat a truckload full of. We'd beat them, no problem.

Clint will mock us endlessly no matter what we do, because that's what he does best. Banner will listen to reason and might voice concerns, but will reserve judgment, and we can trust him to be rational and honest about it. Thor is, as you said, Thor, and will probably regale us with some tale of two great warriors he knew on some other planet who tragically lay down their lives for each other and are now immortalized in a constellation, and…I'll talk to Natasha. I know Natasha has her reservations about you (mostly well-deserved), but she's been a great ally to me and I trust her. And I...I need someone I can talk to who isn't you; depending on you for everything isn't a good idea. How does that sound? I think I'd rather wait to tell Fury-- obviously, I think it's important to disclose, but I also want to know we can depend on support from the team.

As for Miss Potts, like I said, whatever you want is fine with me. 

And…look, Tony. If you're feeling lousy about things, you don't need to get drunk and eat half a bowl of chocolate mousse. Come find me, or call me down to the lab, and we can curl up on a sofa together. We can talk or not. I will happily explain to everyone else that I seduced you (and not the other way around). If anyone asks, I'll tell them all that this was my idea, that I'm the one who demanded we talk about it, that I kissed you first. And that would all be true. I'd like to claim credit for at least half the responsibility in this. 

I suppose I can't ask you "How long ago would you care to admit to?" without answering it myself. But I…well, I suppose it was a long, slow progression. There would just be these flickering moments of...I would call it clarity, because I don't know exactly what I was feeling then. What I do know is that we were at the mansion when I figured it out, for my part. I remember you standing in the pond, and looking more confident and relaxed than I ever remember seeing you before. And I mean real, self-assured confidence, not bravado, not any intention to impress anyone. I remember you, completely drunk on champagne, fixing that pump so the water in the pond went from green to clear while we watched. That day was absolutely perfect, and you were perfect. I just wanted to keep you there, at the mansion, because I knew you weren't mine, that the minute we left, I'd have to stop pretending.

Moose moose moose,

Steve


	169. You pissed me off so much

What, did you prefer creampuff? I can go with creampuff. I can’t help it, Steve, you’re just so fucking tasty looking. My productivity has decreased an additional 7% in the past few days – it’s really getting to be a problem. ~~I can’t stop rereading your ridiculous letters over and over again~~

Again with the whole going-out-on-dates thing. Sheesh, Cap. You're welcome to pay, but I have expensive tastes – better pick someplace without $700 bottles of 23 year old Chateau Latour Pauillac

… some of us have a hard time saying no.

 

 

How long have I felt this way. Really? You saw the fucking video of me fighting jerries in the kitchen at age four; I've - always admired Captain America. I don't mean that in a creepy sweaty-cosplay-girl way, I mean it more as a... I dunno, just the idea of him was so important to me. Captain America was someone my old man idolized and lamented and never criticized ... I grew up thinking if I could be more like that person, maybe dad would look my way for once. I realize that sounds ridiculous, and pathetic, and slightly creepy, but that's what it was. It came to an end when I realized that trying to please Howard Stark was about as profitable as searching for ice water in hell.

I think the reason you pissed me off so much when we first met. ~~I mean, do you know how long I -~~ It was a huge fucking blow to meet my childhood hero brought to life and realize he wasn't the person I thought he was. The Captain America I grew up with and spent so much time trying to emulate didn't ever exist... I was looking at a kid almost half my age standing around in fatigues. Worse, I ran my mouth and ruined any shot I had at getting to know that guy as an actual person. or so i thought.

It was only after we really started talking that I realized everything I'd loved about the stories about your exploits in the war really was in there, just not quite the way I'd thought it would be. All the impossibly good things I'd chalked up to the uniform were part of Steve Rogers, not Captain America, and once I noticed that I couldn't stop noticing every little thing about you. I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I would take you over that guy any day of the week.

that sounds really ridiculous, sorry, I just...

If you want an actual moment of realization, it was waking up when I was sick and feeling your hand on my forehead, pushing back my hair. It was so.... I don't know. Comforting. ~~god this sounds stupid~~ Most of the time I get sick I just plow away in the lab and Pep only ever realized it when JARVIS starts ordering tissues in bulk or I fell asleep drooling on my keyboard after forgetting to lock the door.

So I woke up and your hand was cool and nice on my forehead and I just thought, who the hell would do this for _me_? and when I opened my eyes it was you.

 

T

 

PS please burn this letter upon reading. Ugh.


	170. You must be joking

T--

Why are we not in the same room right now? I'm in the penthouse making dinner. Come up here and let me push your hair back some more. 

\--S

P.S. You must be joking if you think I would burn this. This is probably the first time since I woke up anybody's said they prefer _me_ to Captain America. I'm keeping this forever.  
P.P.S. Sugarplum was better. At least it starts with the same initial.

P.P.P.S. We're finally on for Star Wars. Wednesday night, the whole team agreed.


	171. Marching Orders

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: Movie Night Postponement

All,

The Doc and I are going to have to bow out of tomorrow's planned movie night-- Sorry, Steve, I know you've been looking forward to finally seeing Star Wars, but we've both agreed that after all the build-up, it wouldn't be fair for you to see it without us. We've got marching orders that are going to take us out of town tonight, tomorrow, and Thursday, but we should be back Friday afternoon sometime.

We'll let you know if there's any change to the docket. Stark, don't worry about rushing the night-vision upgrades for this; we shouldn't need them if all goes according to plan. 

See you Friday-- Steve, the Doc says he'll make it up to you with a big pot of cocoa when we get in. 

\--N


	172. "hooker and cocaine-fueled Tokyo antics"

S -

Sorry I haven't been writing much in the last couple of days - I know you love the letters but it's so much easier to just stalk you and talk to you in person.... all the hair-petting and Steve-tasting is nothing if not a SERIOUS incentive. I'll make a better effort, though, I promise.

I went to lunch with Pepper today and handed over one of the nextgen Starkpads. I'm sitting on the other project until we do those physical tests you promised me. Wednesday, don't forget! We have a date!

So I didn't exactly tell her what was going on, not in so many words. I sort of asked her if she was alright with me dating again and she told me not to be a dumbass and rebound with someone who was going to ding up the company image more than my "hooker and cocaine-fueled Tokyo antics" already had (her words not mine, obviously, as if I would pay for sex). So I told her it wasn't anything like that and she gave me this really hard look and - I don't know. I think she kind of guessed. I told her I was interested in dating someone she knew and she immediately pressed her head into her hands and called me a fucking idiot - then asked for the check.

So, um, I guess she's still on for dinner. You might want to text her on that one.

~~I don't~~

I'm gonna go grab a drink. let me know if you want to hook up later, or what.

 

T


	173. Your Choice




	174. Live Dramatic Readings.

T--

Of course I'll see you when I get back from dinner. I'll buzz you as soon as I get in. 

I texted Miss Potts, so don't worry about that. I'll try to make sure we have a really nice dinner regardless. She's important to me, too, and I want to make sure she knows that. Are you all right? We can talk about it tonight if you want. 

Oh, so it's a date now? Happy to help with the shields. Just let me know what you need. 

~~Look, I'm really starting to wonder if you just forgot Christmas or you're deliberately avoiding it because of last year, and I don't want to~~

And don't worry about the letters. As much as I love the letters, it's really nice to be around you. It's...I know this is going to sound silly, but everything recently has sort of felt like it's making up for the month before. ~~This is what I wanted when~~

I'm sort of nervous about starting work after the holidays. I know it's not a full-time job of the sort most people have, but it's not something I've ever done before, and it's probably going to take some getting used to. I guess it's going to be nice to have some structure to my days that I'm not creating myself, but I also won't be able to laze about in bed as much, so I want to make the most of the time we can spend together before that starts. If you're really concerned, I would have absolutely no objection to you writing letters to me while in bed with me. You could do live dramatic readings for me and everything. 

\--S

P.S. Check the fridge. I left you something to eat while I'm at dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	175. Balancing on crossbeams

N –

How is it that even after all this time you still manage to surprise me?

I wasn’t entirely convinced we weren’t at a SHIELD safe house until I saw the cake – not to mention the massive, glorious bed. Having me go over the files in the car was a dirty trick – I missed all the signage for Montauk.

I thought leaping over the fence by the holly bushes was a particularly nice touch - your legs look phenomenal when you’re balancing on crossbeams. Knowing what I know now, I suspect the view was part of my birthday present.

Getting out of bed this morning might have been the toughest challenge I’ve ever faced. Curled up warm with you, watching the light play on the frost patterns edging the windowpanes – what more could a man want? 

B


	176. Finished Brewing

Well, darling, this woman wants to find out how well the massage jets on the hot tub work. 

Come join me when the tea's finished brewing. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday. 

\--N


	177. Frozen seashells

N - 

I discovered what else a man could possible want; it seems so obvious in retrospect.

Brewery tour, a wine tasting, and an afternoon spent collecting frozen seashells with the most sincere, thoughtful woman I've known.

This has been the best birthday of my adult life - I mean that with absolute honesty.

B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Natasha takes Bruce to Channing Daughters Winery](http://www.channingdaughters.com) and [Montauk Brewing Company](http://www.montaukbrewingco.com)


	178. Next Year

B--

Seeing as I intend to be here next year, I'm going to consider that a benchmark to be surpassed.

You deserve every minute of it. 

\--N


	179. The Only Trick to Sushi

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 88 10TH AVE NEW YORK NY 10011]

{{transmitting}}

 **POTTS.Virginia:** [sound of drink being stirred]

[Footsteps]

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Pepper? Hi, uh...hi. It’s been _forever_ since I’ve actually seen you.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Yeah, it ha….. Steve. What are those.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** They’re...pink callalilies? I know they’re normally white, but the place I went to, I guess they specialize in colored ones, and these were the prettiest.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Why did… okay. Okay. That’s fine, they’re… lovely, Steve. At least you didn’t go red, that’d be a little too Christmassy for me.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Oh. Right. Uh. Merry Christmas, almost.

[deep breath]

Pepper? Is this what you want to do? Because I came here because I wanted to see you, because I miss you, and if you’d rather go get fish and chips and walk around the block or something, that would be all right. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** I picked the restaurant, Steve, and I already ordered a drink. Sit down, would you? Put the “sorry-I’m-fucking-your-ex” flowers over there, I need this space for ponzu sauce.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Those _were_ “I-missed-you-I’m-happy-to-see-you” flowers, considering I ordered them the night we made dinner plans, but fine, understood. 

[shuffling paper]

I’m sorry. I am still happy to see you.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** I’m sure.

 **SERVER:** Good evening, and welcome to Morimoto - can I bring out one of our starters for you, perhaps you’re in the mood for our succulent toro tartare or our fresh diver scallop carpaccio? Or perhaps a signature cocktail for you, sir?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** He’ll have a cilantro gimlet, thanks. We’d like to start with the toro, the seared scallops and the Kumamoto oysters as a starter. You do eat shellfish, don’t you Steve?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I’ll eat whatever you put in front of me. I might want to know what it is, but I’ll eat it.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Do you need a fork? Bring a set of cutlery too, please. And some edamame.

[footsteps, ice clinking in glass]

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I can sort of do chopsticks. As long as things aren’t too small or soupy...Natasha’s been teaching me. What’s toro?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Fatty tuna belly. It’s exceptional.

[silence]

Did you eat anything interesting in Japan?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Thanksgiving Squid paella? I made that, though. I didn’t actually get to see anything but the hospital and the hotel. It wasn’t exactly, you know, a vacation. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** I’m sure. 

….. 

Thanks for going to get him. He’s such an idiot, sometimes. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Somebody had to do it. Better me than somebody who couldn’t hold their own with him. Are you...how are you doing? 

**POTTS.Virginia:** How do you think I’m doing, Steve? I’m up to my ears in terrible publicity, the SI Board of Directors is treating me with kid gloves because they’re sure Tony’s going to request my termination, I just found out that my ex-boyfriend-slash-best friend-slash boss is hooking up with a gorgeous superhuman he’s been living with since months before we actually broke up, and this morning someone fucking photographed me taking two double espressos back to the Soho apartment and stopped to ask me who the other one was for. Can’t a fucking overworked CEO just enjoy her fucking quadruple espressos in peace? I -

Oh, god, I sound just like him. Shoot me, please. 

[footsteps]

 **SERVER:** Your drink, sir. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Thank you. 

[slurping through straw]

 **SERVER:** Ma’am, may I get you another?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Yes, please. The same.

[footsteps]

[slurp]

Steve...the straw is for stirring?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Oh.

[glass bumping table]

Pepper, I don’t...one, you know Tony won’t fire you. Two, I can sympathize with the bad publicity. And the paparazzi too, I guess. I mean, it’s probably worse when you can’t wear a hood and sunglasses everywhere, because that’s what I’ve been doing. A lot, anyway. And three, I guess...I mean, it probably isn’t going to make you feel any better, I don’t know, but this whole...it’s only been two weeks. Not that that helps. I don’t know if you want to talk about it or not. And, uh, four, you don’t really sound like him. You sound like you have a lot on your shoulders.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Jesus, Steve. How are you even real?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Pardon?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** How are you - it took me almost ten years to figure my shit out with Tony Stark. You did it in two and a half months - and I’m mad at you, I _want_ to be mad at you, and you bring me flowers and - and - 

[ice clinking in glass]

Two weeks? Really?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Well...it’s hard to say exactly, but...a little more than two weeks? I'm not sure when to count from, but about that, I guess. And believe me, I don’t have anything figured out. It’s all right if you’re mad at me, Pepper. I just...I understand exactly why you’re mad. Well. No, saying I understand exactly why is presumptuous. But it is understandable. And it doesn’t mean I won’t listen to you. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** … I just don’t ….

…

How is his arm, really? 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Still messed up pretty badly. It’s getting better, but he ran away to the mansion instead of letting medical look at it at first, so that didn’t help. It’s pretty stiff, and swollen, and I have to keep reminding him to do his exercises, and he won’t stop using it in the lab, and he keeps taking off the splint. You know. Typical Tony. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** Yeah, I know.

[Appetizers arrive]

How hungry are you, Steve? 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Me? I’m always hungry. Depends how long you want to talk for.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Let’s do the lobster ceviche salad, Morimoto surf and turf, and the chef’s sushi combo - no eel in there, please. 

[footsteps]

So, Tony is Tony. How are _you_ taking this? 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:**

[silence] 

Just so you know, I’m going to wait for you to start eating things so I can watch how to do it right. Um. Japan was hard. Things have been getting progressively better, I think, but there were a couple times I wondered what I was doing there. Mostly I just bribe him with food; that seems to work all right.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** He eats for you? Wow.

[silence]

How’s the penthouse looking? Everything you hoped?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Well, at the orphanage, the older kids got assigned to look after the younger ones. I wasn’t very good at very much, but getting other kids to eat, that sort of thing...I was all right at that. My mother was a nurse. There’s not that much difference. 

It’s nice...it’s...I get uncomfortable with the way he spends money like it’s water. I...I assume you know about the job?

[sounds of eating]

 **POTTS.Virginia:** …. Yeah, he mentioned. Welcome to the family. [short laugh] Are you - uh, have you ever held a job before, Steve?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Unless you count the Army and touring the country selling war bonds, no. I mean, selling war bonds was actually hard work, but it wasn’t an office sort of job. I…

[swallowing]

I told Tony I didn’t think I was qualified. I really...I tried to back out, and he got really angry.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** That’s because he’s a developmentally stunted person who only knows how to express his affection through disproportionately large gifts. Blame his father.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Oh, his father gave me a shield made of the rarest metal in the known universe, so I know all about that.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Oh, right. Well, Howard barely spoke to Tony when he was working - which was always, to hear Tony tell it - and then occasionally he’d apologize for months of inadequate parenting by dumping some extremely expensive toy into his son’s lap, then disappear again. Hence custom rabbits and Jimmy Choos. Though if he buys _you_ heels I’m going to be concerned.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** You’re right, I’m probably tall enough as it is. Uh.

So...this whole job thing. I’m not going to mess anything up, am I?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** It’s design, Steve. You’re not going to be operating the arc reactor on your first day. Though you might not want to let your colleagues know you’re sleeping with the owner of the company; that might not go over well… though Tony’s always been immune to our anti-fraternization policies...

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:**

[laughter]

I’ve been hearing too much about anti-fraternization policies lately. I...I’ll take it under advisement, thank you. Not that I was planning to wear it on my tee-shirt or anything...I’m still...it’s not really something I want to be public knowledge. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** You know it will be, right? Everything about Tony is public knowledge. I’m sure you’re someone used to living in the spotlight, given your current role, but it’s going to be amplified a thousand times when this gets out. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I really try to stay out of the spotlight...it’s not really...it’s all right when I put on the suit, you know? But that’s not me. I just...I guess I’m starting to get used to it, but it’s not the sort of thing I’d choose. 

[silence]

I guess I’ll have to think about that.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Do. Here - here’s the food… mmm, look, beautiful. Look, the only trick to sushi is just - you take the fish off the rice, dip the fish in your soy sauce, then put it back on the rice. That way the rice doesn’t fall apart in the dish - it’s more elegant this way. Try it.

[sounds of eating]

Have you ever dated anyone before, Steve?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Uh. People keep using that word differently than I do. I’ve been _on_ dates, I guess? I was...sort of dating a girl here for about a month, but that didn’t work out.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** No. I guess not. I - oh, god. I don’t know if that’s going to work for you or against you. At least you don’t have any expectations for him to destroy. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:**

[silence]

You’re worried about this, aren’t you?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Define “this”?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** The, uh...Tony thing. That is still largely undefined.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Oh for christ’s sake. Grow a - of course I’m worried, Steve. I exist in a perpetual state of worrying about Tony Fucking Stark, and have for the past _decade of my life_. You’ll be a card-carrying member of that club in no time.

[ice clinking]

Steve, a month ago Tony was driving manically around Kyushu and slammed his car into a central divider _because I left him_. He told me he loved me, when I told him it was over. He offered to marry me to make me stay. He’s unbalanced - more so than usual, after New York. Now he’s head over heels - and don’t look at me like that, he _is_ if he actually sat down and attempted to have an adult conversation with me about this - and that’s… a lot of pressure for any relationship, let alone a new one.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Um. Um. I’m...I’m sorry he did all that. I...New York was hard on all of us; I’ve seen a little bit of it. If it makes you feel any better, I can’t possibly reflect as badly on the company?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** As what, hookers, coke, drunk driving… sorry. Sorry, I’m still - I know I left him, but nobody likes to be replaced, Steve. Even by the pinnacle of human perfection that is yourself. But no - you’d be alright in that regard. There’d be a little flux in our sales as whatever right-wing nutjob on the airwaves this week decides to boycott Stark products over the whole defiling-America angle, but that’s to be expected with most of what Tony does.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I am a little worried about the whole Captain America bit. If...if people find out about it, and…I don’t like to call names, but there are going to be people who don’t want me representing them. And it might affect how much good I can do.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Yeah. I’d say it’s likely, Steve. Guaranteed, even.

[silence]

I’m serious about him being unbalanced. I’m sure you’re chalking a lot of what I’m saying up to the whole angry-ex thing, but honestly, Tony needs a firm hand in his life. I think that’s why he dated me in the first place - I was the rudder and sail and he was free to be … I don’t know, the wind, or some other ridiculous metaphor. I understand that you’re attracted to him, he’s easy to love. I love him, too. But it worries me that you’ve known him for such a short amount of time - you’ve seen him low, Japan was low, but it’s his more...subtly destructive tendencies that will eat away at you over time.

[silence]

As much as I don’t want to say this, I would appreciate it if you’d let me know if things are going downhill. I need that man as whole as possible personally _and_ professionally. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I don’t think you’re being an angry ex, Pepper. I...I can do that. What else do you need?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** Possibly for you to stay away from me for a little while, and out of the tabloids entirely? Let me think about it. I only found out about this a few hours ago, Steve. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I...of course. No guarantees about the tabloids; I’m apparently in the paper every time I save a cyclist from getting doored. I...but you’ll tell me when you don’t need me to stay away? I really...I don’t have many friends. I don’t want to lose the few people I do have. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** [sharp laugh]

I will. You know - the truly ironic thing about this scenario is that I left Tony in order to bring stability into my life, and to date it’s done nothing but the opposite. Some days I wonder ‘why did I even bother?’ 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:**...Splitting up with him? Would you...would you reconsider?

[silence]

 **POTTS.Virginia:** I don’t know, Steve.

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** I guess that’s none of my business. Look. It’ll be alright. Eventually. I don’t...I’m probably the least enticing shoulder to cry on, or anything like that, but if you need anything...really. And I won’t tell him, if it’s something you need. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** You’re part of it too, now, don’t pretend like it’s not your business. Did you really just respond to me telling you I might go after your new boyfriend by offering me a shoulder to cry on? I don’t think you’re human. Maybe some kind of….secretly evil artificially intelligent robot or something.

[ice clinking]

At any rate, crying is for people without multinational companies to run - there’s no crying in corporate upper management, Steve. 

**ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Well, superheroes aren’t supposed to cry either, but I spent my first month awake doing an awful lot of it. It’s just a thing people say. It just means I’m willing to help. I...oh. Pepper, I didn’t think that’s what you...do you actually want him back? Because I...I don’t think I could stand in the way of that.

 **POTTS.Virginia:** [silence]

Did Tony tell you what happened in Malibu?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** He said he didn’t want to talk about it. I...didn’t press. He said you came to him with a...a press release?

 **POTTS.Virginia:** [snorts] Did he? Look, Steve. If you really think it’s none of your business, don’t worry about it. I didn’t dump the world’s most eligible bachelor with a press release. That’s just… _really_ , Tony.

I don’t know what I want, Steve. I wanted to exist in a world where people aren’t kidnapped and maimed on a semi-regular basis. I wanted to date someone that didn’t paint a target on my forehead and keep my name perpetually smeared across the tabloids. I wanted to try having a life that didn’t exist in the perpetual shadow cast by Tony Fucking Stark. 

Am I sure it was the right decision? No. 

Would I consider taking him back? I don’t know. I sort of… I wanted to see him. It’s Christmas, and all. I’m closer to him than most of my family. Or, was.

So, do you still want to be friends?

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** Of course. We exist outside of either of our dealings with him, don’t we? I just…

I’m sorry. I guess I sort of...somebody else painted a target on my head for me, and I don’t really like living in the perpetual shadow cast by Captain America. But I can’t break up with myself. So. 

I don’t know. I’m just sorry. Do you...do you have somewhere to go for Christmas? I think Tony keeps forgetting about it. He’s...pretty captivated with this shield generator thing. 

**POTTS.Virginia:** You’re - okay, you’re so perfect it’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’ll be fine this Christmas, Steve. Hanging out with my ex and his new boyfriend is literally the last thing on planet earth I want to do, so…

[silence]

Jesus - look at the battery life on this thing. [tapping] Tony promised me these were market-ready - this is going to need a serious fix before we put it on the shelves. I’m at 37% and I have absolutely zero functions on…

 **ROGERS, Steven.G.:** New StarkPad? 

[silence]

Sorry. I’m...I’m far from perfect, really. Um. I guess. Do whatever you need to do, all right? 

**POTTS.Virginia:** I always do, Steve. You said it yourself - we exist outside of him. And I don’t know what I want, or what I need, or if those two things are in any way correlating at the moment. 

Yeah, upgraded cameras and a new projection package. I’m gonna shut this off ‘til I get to a charger -

{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE SHUTTING DOWN}

**{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Morimoto Restaurant](http://www.morimotonyc.com) is where Pepper takes Steve for dinner.
> 
> When Steve mentions fish & chips, he's specifically referencing [A Salt & Battery](http://www.asaltandbattery.com) a few blocks away.


	180. Up to Snuff

Tony,

I'm in my room. JARVIS said you were working on something, and I didn't want to interrupt, but I'm back from dinner.

It was nice to see her, but kind of sad. I really wish I'd had a chance to see her before all this happened. I…it's hard, because I want to be able to be there for her, as a friend, and I know I can't really do that. She seemed pretty angry with me at first, but we talked, and I think it got better. It just…she asked if I could give her some space for a while.

We spent most of the night talking about you. She's worried about you, in more than a, you know, CEO worried about her boss way. I know you don't want to talk about what happened, but it really…it felt like you and she had very different ideas about it. 

I also got a little nervous about this whole job thing. And, well, other things, too. Talking with her threw my lack of experience with, well, anything, really, into sharp relief. And it sort of made me realize that I'm going to have to just get used to the idea of living in a spotlight.

~~Tony, I think Pepper~~

I don't know how to put this, but I feel like I would be remiss if I didn't say anything about this. I got the impression she actually came to New York to try to resolve things with you. I'm not sure. She did say she was thinking about it. And that she had wanted to see you because it was Christmas. I just felt like you should know that, if you don't already. I asked her if she needed a place to go for Christmas, and I think she got a little angry with me over it. I don't know. ~~If you want to~~

~~I know you're just upstairs, but I mi~~

Anyway, let me know when you're done. 

Steve 

P.S. ~~Miss P~~ Pepper says that the battery on the new StarkPad isn't up to snuff. It was draining pretty quickly.


	181. Wait

Steve-

Pepper seriously told you she came to New York to take me back?

I'm coming to find you. We should talk about this in person.

T


	182. The Only Member of This Club

**[LVL 41 / RESIDENTIAL BEDROOM ID 1776 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G; STARK.Anthony.E]**

**{{BEGIN SURVEILLANCE}}**

[sounds of shuffling, thumps, a clang, more shuffling]

[knocking on the door]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve? Are you. Are you around...?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I-- yes, coming!

[door opening]

Hi.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sound of drink swirling] Uh - hey. Can I - come in? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hi. Uh. Yeah, um. Yes. Oh. I need to...get out of the way. Sorry.

[footsteps] 

I don’t have...you have a drink. Let me get myself some ice cream?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh - I guess I do. Sorry, I must have - I forgot. [uncomfortable laugh]

You’re… settled in, aren’t you. I don’t think I’ve ever really…

[freezer opens]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s been over a year. What, you want a tour?

[freezer shuts, drawer opens, rattling, door shuts.]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, no. It’s fine - well, whatever you want, really. I’ve just never spend time with you here unless I’m delirious and running a 104 degree temperature. I hallucinated the shittiest furniture, it was terrifying.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You sure? I got rid of the shitty furniture. I even got rid of the milk cra-- wait, you don’t know about the milk crates. Natasha said never to tell you about the milk crates. You don’t want to see my grown-up big boy bed?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Big - Oh god, do I ever - uh. Lead the way, fearless leader.

[footsteps, door opening] 

Milk crates, please don’t let there be actual milk crates…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** See? It’s _metal_. And it doesn’t, um, lean or make funny noises when you sit on it. 

[sound of glass on table]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well. It certainly looks promising - very modern, not what I was expecting from you. But how does it _feel?_ That’s the question, right?

[whoompf]

aahhhhhhhhhhhhh….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I had to settle for the mattress stuffed with _semi_ precious stones, but it’ll suffice. Move over, mattress hog. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I claim this bed in the name of Stark. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You probably have twenty-something beds of your own! I bought this one with my own money! You do _not_ get to claim it! 

[whoompf]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus - ow! Pillow right to the kisser - some perfect soldier you are. 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Move over. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Make me, “big boy”.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want to make you an-- it’s fine.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve - don’t sit on the floor… I’ll move. Here, here....

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry, I-- 

[two thumps on floor] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um.

[silence]

Look. I - uh. Why don’t you just tell me ...how it went. Your letter sounded kind of…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She kept telling me I wasn’t a real person. She got angry at me for bringing her flowers. She called them “sorry-I’m-fucking-your-ex” flowers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She said that? Like _actually_ that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Word for word.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you tell her we’re not fucking? That … that we’re not even, you know, dating? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t think arguing semantics would have helped. That wasn’t really the point. I...I don’t even understand whether we’re dating or not. According to your definition, we seem to be. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Okay… semantics. You’re the one who... 

[silence, shaky breath]

Okay. Focus. She told you that she wanted me back.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She said something like that, and I asked her, and she said she didn’t know. And you know how people say ‘I don’t know,’ when they say something hyperbolic and then take it back? I thought she meant it that way. And I tried to be supportive. But then, she said she was surprised I was being so nice to her when she told me she might...you know, go after my new, uh. B-- her word. Boyfriend. I didn’t say that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] She…. [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right, so if you-- I couldn’t keep that from you, and I...you know. Know how broken up you’ve been. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah…. ‘broken’ and ‘up’ being the key words there… I never thought … why would she do that?

[pause]

Wait, Steve… are you saying that’s why she came to New York?? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you--you saw her today, and she didn’t say anything like this? She didn’t say that in so many words, but it sounded like...well, she said she wanted to see you before Christmas, so...maybe she did. She asked me if you’d told me what happened in Malibu, and I told her you hadn’t, but it still sounded like...maybe her version of events was a little different. I don’t know. She said she didn’t dump you with a press release.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? I-- please don’t, you’re so quiet, but I don’t really know what else to say.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** She didn’t - dump me with a press release, Steve. I didn’t say that.

She just had a copy she’d pre-written, and once we’d both cooled down a little she printed it and handed it to me and told me… I don’t know.

[silence]

I just can’t believe that after all that she’d really mean to take me back, Steve. It felt so final. She was so... 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry. I don’t...she didn’t seem _so_ at dinner.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry, Steve. I have no idea what to say.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. It’s all right. I know you-- I told her I wouldn’t get in the way.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wh - what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I mean...you know. You need to do what you need to do, right?

[silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wait - you think I’m… god. I’m doing this all wrong. Pepper is an incredible woman, Steve. I - I don’t know how to say this properly. When she left, everything fell apart… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. I saw that, remember?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Right, I - right. You did.

So in Malibu we argued again, about the same things we always argued about. She wouldn’t move here, I wouldn’t -

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You wouldn’t what, Tony?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wouldn’t leave the Avengers, Steve. 

[silence]

Pepper is amazing, but some people are just - not meant to be lovers, maybe. Pep and I had a shot, just like anyone, but it’s over. It’s not about her any more, it’s about us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Are you-- are you sure? I’m not going to be angry, or--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure, Steve. 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Can I kiss you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, yes, please - [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hi. Um. Can I...can I ask you a question? Not about Pepper. About you. Maybe about me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ask me anything, Steve. But it’ll cost you a foot. Come here….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** My foot? [chuckle] I might have to change my question, then. And uh, I feel obligated to warn you that that probably shouldn’t go in your mouth.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you want a Stark-brand foot rub or not? Mood killer. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, that’s different. Usually when you ask for body parts, they end up with your tongue all over them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t believe you’re complaining about that. Cheeky brat. [toes popping] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah--uh. Hey. I didn’t say I minded. Why are you here? I mean, with the Avengers? You don’t need the Avengers, not the way the rest of us...well, the rest of us, excluding Thor, do. And yet you’re pour so much of your own money in, you...wouldn’t leave for Pepper. What is it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you see, little Stevie, a long time ago there was a genius billionaire playboy who was taken by some very bad men and -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve heard that version. I’ve read your file _and_ seen an awful lot of your interviews. And the-- ah. Toes. Brain. Your documentary special. Why this? You were out there being Iron Man just fine without us.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, you watched my documentary. Cute.

[ice clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t get the wrong idea, Stark. Fury made me. Before I met you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Right, suuuure. Does that feel good? Mmm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know it does. Damn. Don’t stop.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. But I like to hear you say it, sugarplum. 

It was ... just a matter of logic. At first I wanted in because Fury denied me entry, the most surefire way to get my attention. But the more I thought about it the more sense it made - I mean you can’t just… It’s like this. Tools need to be used a specific way. You don’t use a jackhammer when you need a lug wrench. I could build myself a lot of tools, but it made more sense to … I don’t know. Buy a set that included the shit I needed to get shit done? 

That metaphor got kind of weird.

[silence]

I guess I just felt like Iron Man was limited by Tony Stark. I didn’t want to be my own weakest link.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, no, it’s an apt metaphor, considering the number of times I’ve heard someone call you a tool. 

I...ngggggh...what are you...no. As the person whose job it is to, well, use people’s skill sets properly, I definitely understand that. And you...wouldn’t leave?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I might, if I were the wrong _tool_ for the job.

You’re not allowed to hang out with Clint unsupervised anymore, by the by. I know what he says about me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t worry. I defend your honorrrr...and I was going to say you’re not allowed to do thaa...but oh yes you are... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckling] Mmm, a little hard to understand you through all that moaning, Steve. You’re just killing me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, _I’m_ the one killing you? I don’t--no, I understand, maybe, someday, but you wouldn’t leave now?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

This is where I want to be - investing my time, and my money, and myself in something I believe in for once in my goddamn life. It took me forty years to figure this out. I’m not gonna leave for anyone but _me_. I’m not gonna stay for anyone but me, either.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wouldn’t ask or expect you to. If I had the...I admire that, you know. That you have every option under the sun and you picked this one. Even though it’s damn hard. Err...right. Ow. Right there. Harder. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve…. [inaudible] I. You know I have three registered fanclubs. I bet I could get you a membership - they’re all rooting for Sexiest Man Alive numero tres.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Membership? You should make me fucking President. How do you have time for that with all your responsibilities as the only member of the Steve Rogers fanclub?

[inaudible]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That… is the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, Jesus, Steve.

[inaudible] 

I like being the only member of this club. The perks are pretty excellent - 

[inaudible]

\- and the view can’t be beat - 

[inaudible] 

\- and you moan like a porn star, jesus, you’d think this was your first foot rub...

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Err… 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. Really? _No way._ I should have been more gentle. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s the first one that feels like-- ah-- like _that_. Fuck you, Stark, what, do you think they give out free foot rubs in the military?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. Maybe not. “The footrubs will continue until morale improves?”

Are you sure we have a no-toes-in-mouth rule? Because I have way more where this comes from.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] _Tony_. My feet are disgusting. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re as gorgeous as the rest of you, Steve. I could eat you up…..

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If you have to put something in your mouth, I have an entire pint of melty ice cream on the nightstand.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know that’s not my _first_ choice….

[chuckles]

I’m… sorry about Pepper, Steve. I shouldn’t have let you go.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think you get to let me do things? 

[inaudible]

I wanted to go. I’m not sorry.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** But I _know_ her - I should have seen it coming. It bothers me, that I didn’t pick up on it. I’ve never been the best with humans, but Pepper was always...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Not your fault. It worked out in the end, and anyway, I think I figured some things out for myself, too. And this end to the night more than makes up for it. Even though my ice cream is sort of soup.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’ll still taste good, big guy. 

Really, rambling half-drunk lamentations is your idea of a happy ending? I’m never getting laid, am I.

That looks… wait,is this _Captain America flavored ice cream?!_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It's Ben  & Jerry's. It’s called “Star-Spangled Flan With A Plan,” Tony. 

[slurping]

It’s caramel with chocolate covered banana chips. 

[slurping]

You want some?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck, Steve - do you have any idea - 

[inaudible]

fff… you taste utterly _obscene_.

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You should get them to make you a flavor, instead of more stupid sheets. 

[inaudible] 

It would be whiskey and toaster pastries.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, no chlorophyll? And I like my sheets. I still have three crates full of spares in the basement.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You won’t now that you’ve told me that. Chlorophyll ice cream? Really? 

[slurps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nngh…. um. I need to. Go see a guy about a thing, I’m not sure I can … behave, if I stay here. Maybe. Possibly after a cold shower or five.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So don’t behave. Who said you need to behave?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ………..you? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sometime _last week_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God - is it my birthday? I must have been good this year.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your birthday’s in May. Also in your file. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

Fuck that fucking file -

And if the - ah - team asks...

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, Natasha and Banner are out on assignment, and Clint's out doing whatever Clint does when he's not here...and if anyone sees us in the morning, we were watching a movie. You got drunk and passed out. On the sofa. Everyone’s seen you do that before.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckling] Only on days that end in Y. Smart _and_ sexy. I fucking lucked out with you, Captain Rogers.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can stop talking and do something else with that mouth, Mr. Stark.

**{END SURVEILLANCE} {TRANSMITTING}**


	183. The American Way

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
Subject: FWD: Betrayal at Morimoto.

Hey, Clint

Sooo not to over-obsess the whole Steve-dumping-me thing, but, like, you've had to have seen this by now, it's all over the internet, and I have friends asking me about it-- Is this true or did someone pull this out of their asses? I mean, I know it's usually total BS, but Steve pulled this whole "well-there's-someone-I've-had-a-crush-on-for-a-really-long-time-and-I-guess-it's-reciprocated" thing out of the blue, and Tony and Pepper did break up the month before, and he was in Japan with Tony, so maybe he asked him if it was okay and then came home and...

Ugh, IDK, it still pisses me off, but I'm sort of glad I'm not part of that clusterfuck anymore. I haven't even MET Tony Stark and, like, I still want to, but god, I want to tell Steve he needs to stop worrying about other people and think about himself, sometimes. 

I really hope it's not true. For Steve's sake. He has to get out and meet people outside of your little tower if he's ever going to figure his shit out. I mean, he goes on and on about not wanting people to see him as Captain America, but anytime anybody gives him the opportunity to just be Steve, he cocks shit up and it's really hard to believe that's what he wants. He needs to actually have a life outside of that. Sorry. I'm worried about him. And I keep texting him and he'll, like, message me back once and doesn't really give me any kind of opening to drag him out. 

Can you please fucking make sure he comes to my party? Promise him it won't be weird. There's a ton of cool people coming, maybe he can make some new friends.

Okay, enough of that. You're still coming to Christmas, right? I think we're gonna take the train down that morning; I don't want to do Christmas morning with Katie's little kids. Katie's totally fine with us staying over, and her daughter totally collects ponies so you guys will have something to talk about, haha. Her collection is waaaay bigger than yours, I'm just saying.

Thank you so much, seriously. I totally got you an awesome present to make up for it. And a SUPER ugly Christmas sweater, which I am making you wear. No excuses.

Okay, I have to go-- my fucking assistant quit without warning the week before Christmas. I thiiiink I have someone who will at least work out temporarily, but I have to go do an interview. Fucking people moving to England to marry some dude from the internet, ugh. Like _that's_ going to work out. Oh, hey, you still need to watch that video I sent you. No excuses. DO IT. And now I'm gonna go eat the last of the cupcakes we bought. I know you're jealous.

\--Bec

**Betrayal at Morimoto**

**Filed under: Captain America • Tony Stark • Iron Man • Pepper Potts • Gossip Is As Gossip Does • Love hurts**

Ladies and gentlemen, there’s trouble at Avengers Tower…. which wouldn’t be newsworthy except that this time it’s trouble of the romantic variety!

Last night Stark Industries CEO and former girlfriend of majority shareholder Tony Stark stepped out for a night on the town - _with Captain America._

That’s right, folks. Captain America is moving in on Iron Man’s former leading lady, and that can only be bad news for Tony Stark. Cap’s lovelife has been all over the news lately – last month he was snapped on seven different occasions out and about with a lovely dark-haired hospital volunteer, but she hasn’t been seen in two weeks – not since Cap was dispatched to bodily haul Tony Stark out of Japan.

No word on what Stark has to say about all this – it can’t, however, be good. Stark has been laying low since his mile-wide streak of bad publicity culminating in the totaling of a Ferrari one day before Thanksgiving, but this is bound to draw him back into the spotlight again.

Evidently knowing how to treat a lady, Cap was spotted with a gorgeous bouquet in hand - an arrangement of designer pink calalililes estimated at $150. They indulged in three full courses and seemed intent on their conversation. Waitstaff do, however, report a generally polite demeanor and a generous tip - well done there, Cap!

Tony Stark or no Tony Stark, after 70 years on ice, we can’t really blame Cap for wanting a taste of what the 21st century has to offer. Indulge, enjoy – it’s the American Way!


	184. pretentious martinis

S – 

You are incredible. Your mouth is incredible. Your hands are incredible. Your-

You have no idea what you do to me.

It killed me, leaving this morning, but I need to adjust the Starkpads if the battery life is really that bad, not to mention my Big Bad Project…. So I’ll be in the lab today, just in case you need me. 

On the subject of bullshit hipster holiday parties - do I have to _dress_ like a hipster? Can I drink pretentious martinis and hook my hands into your pockets when nobody is looking? Should I buy a pack of clove cigarettes?

Yours,  
T

PS I ran into Clint in the kitchen this morning and he gave me a really strange look. You didn’t give me a hickey, did you?


	185. Bro code and all

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: alrighty then

alrighty then

Hey cap, this is gonna seem like a really random question but - I was talking to Becky a few days ago and she explained to me the details of your breakup for the first time since you, you know, split. When I heard what you'd told her and thought about the way you've been spending your time lately (not to mention Stark "sleeping on your couch" last night) I couldn't help but draw some conclusions. when I messaged Natasha about it she was all "yeah Stark set Steve's profile photo to a moose on his phone" and that sort of sealed the deal, because that is totally not a platonic dude joke. Seriously.

So is that what this is? You left Becs for Stark?

I know you probably know what you're getting into - Stark's file is 38 pages long, for god's sake - but you do work together and S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't exactly smile upon relationships in the ranks, particularly when someone is in a position of power the way you are. It's not easy, or a very good idea. you may think you are capable of handling that but it takes a lot of care and finesse, and you should make sure you're involved in a relationship that's worth the trouble.

Sorry of this is totally off-base... okay, I'm not really sorry because I know it's not. I just needed to point out that if you are serious about doing this you can't leave it up to your teammates to point out when it's affecting the needs of the team. I called you out when Stark was throwing his epic international temper-tantrum in Japan, but I shouldn't have had to. I get that it was a pretty shitty time for you, you were handling something super over the top by yourself, and I do actually know how much if sucks to work with someone you care about when things are tough, but the rest of us may not always be there to remind you to keep your shit grounded. i don't want to see you get hurt, and i don't want to watch tony fucking stark backslide into who he was in Japan. no one needs that.

if you want someone to talk to, i'm always around. I know you are pretty tight with Nat but I'm a dude who knows a thing or two about other dudes, and i just... don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone to go to, you know?

In closing, and just to up the awkwardness of this weirdly cuddly e-mail, I need to ask you about Becky. You're a sharp guy so i know this'll be no surprise, but it's been a while since I've been interested in seeing anyone and Becky is a pretty fucking awesome chick. You know I've kept up with her since your breakup, and I mean - bro code and all so I'm just saying - we have some plans next week and I would like to see where it goes, if that's something you're okay with. Let me know what you think.

Clint


	186. Unnecessarily Defiant

from: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: Re: alrighty then

Clint,

Personal questions first:

I know you spend a lot of time with Becky-- you probably spent more time with her even when we were dating. She's great. Really great. And since we're not attached anymore, please feel free, with my best wishes. You do seem to have a lot in common. Just...be careful you're not a rebound or anything, all right?

I don't want to pick a fight, especially if you're romantically interested in her, but I really didn't intend to end things. I just wanted to talk things over, and she made the decision to break things off. I'm not saying this to point fingers, and I 'm not angry with her over her decision, but I didn't just dump her, and there were certainly other factors besides Tony. She was unhappy that I was inviting you to come with us everywhere-- which honestly surprised me (since you obviously both like each other), and I wish she had said something sooner. I was unhappy dating someone who seemed to be expecting to date a comic book character. I'm far from perfect, and while I know I can do better, I can't do _that_ much better.

Which I suppose is a good enough segue into the professional part. Which is actually kind of personal, too.

Re: Tony, to be honest, I've been sitting here trying to figure out the appropriate time and place to disclose to the team-- but you know, and Natasha certainly seems to know, so I'm not sure if this is the Tower's worst-kept secret at this point. We weren't intending to keep anyone in the dark; we'd already had multiple discussions about disclosure. But it's only been a question since a bit after Becky and I broke things off, and I didn't want to make a big fuss out of something without knowing if it would stick.

As for handling the Japan situation, I had been trying to remain in constant contact with Stark from the beginning. As I told you at the time, he didn't respond. I sent him a formal warning. He didn't respond to that, either. After the crash, I issued a formal reprimand. Stark had to pay a fine out of his SHIELD stipend, but...well, it's Stark. I don't even think he realizes he HAS a SHIELD stipend. And I couldn't ground Iron Man when we needed him to sort out the issue with the Tower and those plum things. My personal relationship with him aside, there are barely any consequences that actually affect the man. It's insanely difficult to deal with on a professional level. I'm not saying that I handled it the best way I could. I certainly made mistakes. I just wanted you to know that I tried. And I'll continue to try. I do think that I can continue to make the appropriate demands of him as a team leader. And if you think I'm handling it badly, I want you to tell me.

Clint, I know this may have terrible consequences. But I've obviously been thinking about this a lot lately, and the one thing I realized, dating Becky, and talking to Pepper about their fallout, is that there are very, very few people in the world who understand all the complexities of embodying a national symbol, who aren't going to be have to worry about being hurt just to get to me. Most of them live in this house (and since you haven't expressed any interest in me, Natasha's informed me I'm too young, and I'm really just don't care for all that spicy food Banner eats, my options were sadly limited). I didn't ask to be woken up, and I didn't ask to work for SHIELD-- hell, I was only given a choice so that someone in the government could sleep easier at night. Nobody gave a damn whether I could sleep, and this is the first thing that's let me sleep easier at night since I woke up, so for once in my life I'm actually going to do something for myself. 

I know that sounds unnecessarily defiant. I don't mean it that way. I just need to explain why I made a decision that otherwise seems unprofessional and in admittedly poor judgment. I've already talked to Stark about that, too. If you feel uncomfortable with the situation I invite you to speak to me about it more formally. 

And I really appreciate the offer to talk. I may take you up on that. I do talk to Natasha a lot, but I value how direct you've been about this, and conversations with Natasha are much more nuanced and circuitous, as you know.

I guess that's everything. Are we still on for movies later? I've been trying to get Tony to come out of his cave.

Steve.


	187. No take backs, seriously.

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: RE: RE: alrighty then

Don't look at me for advice on how to handle Stark - he's a loose cannon, more likely than not whatever you decide to do will get completely derailed and run over by his next whim. I like to play my cards close to my chest - the last time I was involved with someone I worked with nobody knew, except Nat. That was just the way it was - and while it didn't exactly work out, the privacy was helpful. Obviously you don't get to do that, but you two were pretty much broadcasting your intent for weeks; Nat's known for ages. She was completely nonplussed when I brought it up, so don't go thinking I blew your secret. That's what she does, Cap - figures people out and sits on the info until it becomes relevant.

That letter actually made me feel better, good job. Except for the whole part about not actually wanting to dump Becks, but you did give me the go-ahead, so just keep that in mind if things blow up with Stark. No take backs, seriously

I hope you realize i'm not trying to criticize the way you handled shit in japan, that was ages ago and it worked out well enough so i'm not gonna sit here and question your choices -- I just wanted some reassurance that you've actually given this some thought with the head on your shoulders instead of the one between your legs. I know i'm a little challenged in that department, so well done there. 

My only other concern is totally personal, because Stark is Stark and you're - well, you. Do you know if he actually likes you, or is he looking for someone young and pretty to make him feel less old and neurotic and single? Are you really warning me about being a rebound when Stark just got dumped by his girlfriend of two+ years?

Not actually trying to hate on old shellhead, here, believe it or not. Just be careful, I guess.

Becky told me that you told her you were in love with someone else, but she could still date you if she felt like it. Does that sound like something you'd want to hear? I'm no Romeo, but that doesn't leave a person genuinely interested in you many options, so you can say she broke it off with you but i really wouldn't call that fair. She's also a little weirded out that you haven't called her, so if you like, wanted to do that you could... or I might invite her to the next movie night we do. She's been wanting to meet Stark (for some unknown reason) and before you ask, no, I didn't tell her your little secret.

Clint


	188. Hanging From A Burning Zeppelin

from: Rogers, Steven ([S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20/))  
to: Clinton Barton [Hawkeye@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: RE: RE: alrighty then

Clint,

I'll be the first to admit that I messed up spectacularly, but if that's what Becky took away from that conversation, I made entirely different mistakes from the ones I thought I made. I liked Becky a heck of a lot (I still do), and Tony had told me that all he he wanted was to be friends, so I honestly thought that was off the table (and I wasn't sure I wanted it, honestly, considering how volatile Tony can be). I didn't tell her I was in love with anyone; I told her I had feelings for somebody who wasn't exactly available, because it seems disingenuous to be in a relationship with someone and not tell them that kind of thing. It's the first time I've done anything like this, but it wouldn't be the first time I expressed myself badly. She's probably right; I have no idea how to be a boyfriend. It's obvious you think the world of her, so I'm not going to tell you she's wrong. Just, in Clint-speak, I guess, go be Team Becky for her for now.

I didn't realize she expected me to call; thank you for mentioning it. She was really angry when it happened, so I texted her a couple times to check in, but I thought she didn't want me bothering her too much. I actually was talking to Tony-- we were planning on going to her holiday party, and I honestly didn't realize she wanted to stay in better touch. I'll give her a call, no problem. Do you...listen, if I talk to her, is she aware that you're interested in her, or is that something I should keep to myself? 

I haven't asked Tony, but I sort of assume he doesn't care, and I don't mind if you tell Becky, though I'm grateful for the nod to my privacy...she's going to find out if she's staying at the Tower, and I know she understands how I feel about publicity and will respect a request to keep it quiet and out of the public eye.

She wants to meet him because he's actually bought artwork from her gallery before. You know that embarrassingly giant painting of me hanging from a burning zeppelin in the conference room we never use? You read her blog, right? She has a couple great Art Deco-inspired silver castings of you, actually. Very Chrysler Building-y. It's a little weird, I guess, knowing that there are people who study and paint you for a living, but it's better than paparazzi, I guess. At least most of the art folks can hold an interesting conversation.

As for Tony...the thought's crossed my mind. I've been sort of pushing it back out. I know that's probably stupid and naïve but I don't want to think about it. If I decide I want to think about it, I'll text you and we can go for a beer or six. 

Anyway, yes to movie night, too. She's always welcome at movie night. I hope things work out for you, so I can read her blog posts about your terrible taste in movies. No take-backs, you have my word.

Steve


	189. Obviously Biased Against You

T,

You're not too damn bad yourself. I need to compose a letter of complaint to Time Magazine because they're obviously biased against you. Only twice, what travesty.

Believe me, I wanted to keep you to myself this morning. I'd come to your lab, but I don't want to kill your productivity efficiency any more than I already have. 

(That's a blatant lie. I want to drive you mad with unproductiveness.) 

So, about Clint-- remember how you told Pepper you were thinking about dating to feel out her response? 

I got an email this morning from Clint that…well. He asked me if it was all right for him to date Becky. And considering the amount of time they've been spending together, I suspect maybe he was asking after the fact. I'm not sure. The funny thing is, it actually made me feel a little relieved, I guess. I think, in some ways, Clint might be better suited to her. He likes all the same television shows and they tell the same kinds of jokes and pretend to be that shiba inu from the Internet at each other. And...I know...whatever happened to Clint...do you know what happened? I've got no idea; I just know he'd been really down on, well, romance in general, ever since New York, although he wouldn't explain why. I just got the sense it was pretty bad. 

He also asked about us, though. Not in a-- not in a way that there was any room to deny it. It sounds like Natasha knows, too…I couldn't say about Thor and Bruce, but I'm not really sure how to address this. He sounded concerned, namely about the work aspect and my ability to keep a clear head where you're involved. 

Think about it, will you? We've obviously talked about telling everyone, but this changes things a little bit. 

And I guess…I guess if it's easier to say we're dating because that's what people understand, that is going to be all right with me. There are a lot of words that have changed meaning since 1944, and I can adjust. 

Yours too,

Steve

P.S. Do you want me to give you a hickey? Because that can be arranged.


	190. Cracked into a Hundred Pieces

B--

I know I said I thought I'd be back in time to celebrate a little bit by ourselves this evening, but it doesn't look at if that's going to work out. I'm sorry; we'll have to exchange gifts tomorrow. I will be in tonight, but I'm looking at an ETA of 0100, here. Don't wait up; I'll wake you when I get back. 

I keep thinking back to last Christmas Eve, to the tension and worry and mourning and the terrible news we were facing. I remember how frayed our threads were, then-- how much of that year felt like trying to piece together a china plate that had been cracked into a hundred pieces. 

It feels, somehow, as if the glue dried stronger, more secure. I know you and I have had our differences when it comes to our work, but it's been a year of rebuilding, and those differences have helped immeasurably to create a better foundation for whatever this-- and by this, I mean every iteration of this configuration, and all the people entwined therein-- is becoming. 

I know last year I told you about how these holidays were absent from my upbringing; I've gathered traditions and rituals from the people who matter to me here. As this year comes drawing to a close (I've learned to think of Christmas as the penultimate scene of the year, before the denouement that culminates in New Year's Eve), I feel like I can safely lay the fears of the last year to rest and that I have some ideas for new traditions we can all share. 

I did leave a small gift for you as a contingency; it's in the third drawer of my desk. I've changed the lock's code to the reverse of the security code on your phone. I'll see you late tonight.

\--N


	191. Like that chocolate factory movie

**[LVL 42 SENSORS ACTIVE]  
** [LVL 42 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; ROGERS.Steven.G; INORGANIC:DUM-E ]  
[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE] 

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[BUZZER RINGS]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** STEVE. JARVIS, tell him to wait just a minute, just a single minute - I have to - ah - okay, here DUM-E, remember what we planned you have to go over there and just wait until you see it, okay? You HAVE to remember the signal.

[distressed beeping]

Nah, it’ll be great. All you have to do is let it go.

[muffled footsteps, door opens]

STEVE. HI.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mer- Hi, you. Are-- is anyone else here? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um. DUM-E is, but he’s working with the - um - project. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Here, let me put my shield down. Am I allowed to kiss you in front of DUM-E?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, you remembered! You’re a doll, Steve.

That’s probably the least traumatic thing he’s witnessed, really. There was this one time - I mean. Yes. Please do. 

[inaudible]

Mmmm. You’re in a good mood today. What’s the special occasion?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah...it’s, ah. Just Christmas. So, um.

[inaudible]

Merry Christmas. What’s this project I haven’t been able to tear you away from? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Chr- oh. Was that today? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, that’s, uh, sort of why I haven’t shaved all week. I think Natasha and Banner are planning to have dinner later.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um. Is that why, I thought you were just mixing it up with the, you know, rugged and manly facial hair….. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, ah. You asked me to-- for Christmas-- a while ago.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bet I did. I have excellent taste in beards. C’mere.

[inaudible]

Well, we’ll see how this goes and maybe if I have time… okay. This project is kind of a three-parter. You ready? Part one, go.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Part one of wha--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** WE’RE COMING IN.

[door slides open] 

[silence] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What...Tony. 

[silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. Steve? It’s a, um, park. Part one. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s a...you built a park. Inside the Tower. Is this like that chocolate factory movie? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um, well, I do hire people of any size so I guess I could - um. I wanted to make a place where you could, you know, relax, since there’s no yard here like at the mansion, and that swarm of cosplayers outside the doors get thicker with every mission…. 

[silence] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You built me a park. Tony. You-- you know there’s a park practically across the street? I…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...okay, not the response I was particularly looking for, and it’s not entirely for you - Bruce likes to meditate and he and Nat do their yoga and there are some giant fucking - see those trees over there? They’re secretly support struts, but you know, I figured Clint could like, I don’t know, climb and do whatever shit he does when he’s up in high places.

[silence] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know what to…

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry. You built _us_ a park. Does anyone else know about this?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, no. Well, sort of. Um - here, let’s just - I brought you here for some field-testing … ha, field? Get it, I built a - ehm. 

Let’s just - okay. Part two. Take this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This is...a stick. Is it a...robot stick?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, I’ve already told you I’m not going to spoil the surprise, Steve. 

You have to throw it to get the full effect. Uh - over there-ish would be best.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Someday I will crack whatever code makes your brain work. And when I do…

[whooshing sound]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E. NOW.

[Silence]

I said _NOW!!!_

[happy barking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wha-- Tony? Doggy?!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, uh. Doggy. Well, I’ve been calling it MUTT, but…. doggy works too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You… hello! Hello, hello hello hello hello. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s like - maybe three? Or something? And a boy. I think. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Yes. You’re a pretty boy. Tony, I can’t believe you-- you actually! No, hello. I didn’t forget you. You aren’t seriously calling him Mutt, are you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mobile Urban Team Tail because acronyms make everything sound badass - although now that I say it aloud it _does_ makes him sound kind of like a hooker. Team Tailwagger, maybe? 

[throat clearing]

Um - he’s not mine to name, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, hello, kisses. Let’s...oof. You’re bigger than Natasha, aren’t you? What, is he a SHIELD dog?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. He’s - um. Yours. Your Christmas present.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You-- you knew it was Christmas? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Fooled you,_ oh ye of little faith…. I’m not THAT bad. Most of the time. 

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You _knew_ it was Christmas and you got me a _dog_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Merry Christmas….?

[silence]

He’s - um. Look, is it too much?  
 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, no--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe it’s too much, he’s not even that cute, it’s like the fucking custom rabbit all over again, I’m actually really terrible at gift ideas and I just thought -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. 

[silence]

Yes, yes, that’s Tony. He does this; he talks and talks and won’t shut up even when he’s perfect. You’ll get used to it. 

[coughing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - _Steve_ , the dog doesn’t speak English, it’s not actually a robot dog, you know that right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And _sometimes_ I can’t tell if he’s joking or not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Though I could totally build a robot dog that looked that good, you know. If I wanted to. And mine wouldn’t need the world’s most expensive dog park to shit in, either.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He usually shuts up if I try to kiss him, but that’s sort of hard to do when he’s up there and I’m down here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmph.

I just wanted it to be a surprise, and I was excited and knew that if we talked about Christmas I’d totally let it slip... He’s - he’s kind of actually a therapy dog, Steve. Please don’t be mad. We were talking -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why the hell would I be mad? Apart from the whole pretending you forgot Christmas part, which I can forgive, since... I know how much you wanted a dog, and...what on earth is a therapy dog?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** \- a few months ago about Veteran’s programs and I thought - 

Oh. It’s a dog that is, er. Trained to recognize signs of emotional distress and, uh, depression and provide companionship and support…. he came with a DVD, you’ll have to watch it, it has videos of his training coursework. He was brilliant, obviously. Only the best for my Steviekins. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stark, if you call me Steviekins again, I might have to kill you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Awww, sugarplum. Nothing like a little death threat to spice up your holidays! Dog-creature, don’t listen to him. He’s a bad influence.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am not a bad influence. I am literally a model of perfection. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ooooh, Cap, I love it when you get all cocky. Dog, lick some portion of his body for me.

[slurping]

Good boy.

So, mister literal-model-of-human-perfection, even if you don’t find him helpful, I thought the rest of the team might benefit from having a dog around. He can sort of sense panic attacks and… things.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s a dog _doctor_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ha - haha, a DOGtor…

[silence]

Not really. But he’ll do things like not leave when he senses you need companionship and uh, catch sticks and stuff. For fun. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You got me a dog doctor. You...Tony...how long have you been planning this?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A couple of…… months, actually. You seemed so unhappy for a while there and I wanted to do something, so I signed you up on the waiting list. And then of course I had to get someone to design the garden and get the trees up and order in the tea house from Kyoto and then you have to like apply for the dog, and then wait, and I just happened to come up for the next dog on the 18th. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wait. Tony. You did this before you went to Japan? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The waiting list is kind of long. I wasn’t sure we’d come up anytime soon, so… yes?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you hear that? He did this before he went to Japan. He--

[silence]

You...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well. The garden sort of came before the dog, but then you know, dogs do what dogs do so it kind of became a dog park. I was thinking about buying some rabbits for him to chase. Or maybe building some. That might be a little less cruel.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Robbits? Rabots?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[nervous laugh]

I’m sorry. I realize this probably looks kind of really crazy. But, you know. That’s how I roll.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Stop apologizing for everything. And for god’s sake, stop running your mouth and making excuses for things that don’t need to be excused. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not really - sorry, I mean I guess I - SORRY.

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** TONY. Merry Christmas. Get down here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** On the grass? On the dirty……. okay, okay with your big blue eyes, I - 

[slurping sounds]

AUGH--

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good boy! Yes, you, no, not him, he’s incorrigible. Let me try that.

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you just _dog kiss me_?! Blehhhhh you taste like fur.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s the beard. But, fine, if you don’t want me to kiss you again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, nope, nope nope did definitely not say that.

[inaudible]

Move over, mutt. You’re in my lap.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Awww, Tony. Here, you go in my lap, I go in Tony’s lap. There. Hi. 

[inaudible]

I like this Christmas.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It… [inaudible] … it beats the hell out of my last one. Even with all the dog slobber. It’s - hahaha! Aw, Steve, your hair - _gross_.

[inaudible]

You … wait. You didn’t not get me a present just because I pretended to not remember Christmas, right? Because I really like presents. Is it the beard? The beard is actually super hot. I’m surprisingly into the beard.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, you should probably think about that before, er, dating someone who can’t buy anything without you seeing the credit card bill.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - you said the D word. Dog, did you hear that? He heard that, Steve, no take-backsies.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, good, does that mean that counts as your present?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll take what I can get.

You realize that as I absolutely love spending my money on me, I have no beef with you doing the same, right?

[silence]

...if you’re all I get, it’ll be a pretty fucking merry Christmas.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll keep that in mind. Oh. I have to show you something. Here, look. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What’s…. ….Steve, wait, is this the mansion?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s-- yes...You sort of paid for your present yourself, since I didn’t really have the money, but...you know, the time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] Did you paint this yourself?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...can do a different color if you don’t like it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** And … this is the master bedroom - wow, it looks so… it’s really different. It’s weird to see it in a new color and - shit, these are Iron Man colors!! Did you theme the master suite to my suit?! That’s so fucking hot.

It’s - Steve, it looks great. I never thought I’d say this, but I would actually sleep in that room, if it looked like this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it does, so...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re incredible.

[silence] 

Guess we have a new bed to christen, hmm? Emphasis on the _new_ \- no way I’m sleeping in dad’s shitty old bed.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Already taken care of. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please tell me this isn’t where your Ikea bed ended up?! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, you’d prefer the Ikea bed to Howard’s bed, wouldn’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ugh. Please don’t utter those words in that order ever again, I’ll never get another --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I scoured estate sales, all right? I wanted everything to be, you know...accurate to the period. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Never join the SCA, you’d be terrifying. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The Society for… you know, that is so irrelevant right now, don’t you even think on it. It’s gorgeous, Steve, thank you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not really...you know. I like keeping myself useful. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And this is the fountain in the garden… this must have taken you ages... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You built a park and you’re talking about how long fixing a few mosaics might take. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Eh, that sort of thing’s just a matter of assembly - Tab A, Slot B, you know. I hired landscapers to do the hard stuff. I can’t believe you did this, Steve. It looks amazing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thanks. It’s not quite--

Wait, did you - there’s no way you got this done in a few weeks... you were working on this when I was in Japan?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you holed yourself up there for three days and didn’t notice. You never left the bunker, did you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How - how the fuck did I miss this?! Um. No. I mean I did try my hand at cereal-opening, but I was pretty bleary-eyed at that point, so…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I haven’t gotten around to the kitchen yet, so you’re forgiven. 

[snort]

And look, you didn’t kill yourself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I couldn’t. You might cry, and we couldn’t have that.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How very generous of you.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oof. Hi. Yes. I think the dog knows the word ‘do--’ oh yes he does. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course he does. I measured reliable responses to verbal stimuli for over thirty six English vocabulary words along with basic pattern recognition and a preference to poultry-based pet foods over grain-based. _And_ he likes DUM-E.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course he likes DUM-E. All good people like-- wait, is this why you haven’t let me into the lab all week? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I only picked him up on Monday. I think you just don’t know how to operate doors.

[inaudible]

Don’t worry, I still like you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is this what happened to the leftover chicken? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’d blame Clint if I were you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint doesn’t have access to the penthouse.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s a secrety spy and shit! He hangs out with Natasha! 

...you know what’s scary?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your inability to lie?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Psh, no. I’m great at that. I’m a genius.

I realized the other day that if Clint wasn’t such a shitty leftover-eating roommate I might never have gotten irritated enough to write you a single letter. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So I bought him a Christmas present after all. 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good boy. No, no, yes, you’re a good boy, too, but I mean Tony. What did you get him?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A penis-shaped cookie cutter. OW! Don’t swat me! Also an upgraded bow. I acquired a sample of that sticky high-tensile webbing that’s been popping around at the top of skyscrapers - you know, the sticky spider shit? And upgraded his bowstrings and refined it for improved fletchings and -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um. But I think he’ll be really into dick cookies.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter] Now I want to know what you got the rest of the team. Mostly so I can destroy packages before you do any damage.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not telling. You’ll have to wait ‘til family Christmas tonight. Bruce is cooking! I convinced him to do his tikka masala even though it’s not a very, you know, Christmassy addition to the table. I fucking love his tikka masala.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s a step up from last year. Last year, we weren’t-- and then we were, and we just ended up getting stir-fried frogs and intestines and eels and weird stuff from downstairs, and…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh god, did you have a Christmas Story christmas? Fa ra ra ra ra, ra racial jokes~

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? I-- I don’t think-- It’s just this is going to be my first actual Christmas since nineteen forty-one.

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well then, no pressure or anything. I’m glad you liked the dog. 

Christmas Story is a movie - we should watch that shit. I’m surprised Clint hasn’t made you sit through it already. It’s pretty much the only reason I have any inkling of what actual families do at Christmas.

Shit, Die Hard - have you seen Die Hard? That’s a great Christmas movie.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Er. Tony. You can usually just assume-- wait, why does a Christmas movie have death in the title? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, well. You’ll have to watch it and find out.

[inaudible]

[slurping]

What - fuck, ew, dog mouth -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, don’t swear at the dog. Here, do you want kisses?

[kissing noises]

Yes?

[slurping]

Yes, see, _I’ll_ kiss you. Unlike some people. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s… disgusting. Utterly disgusting. You’re not getting any until you chug some mouthwash, Cap.

Throw him a stick or something, he’s far too distracting!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, that’s too bad, because I’m not chugging any mouthwash. You can’t get me a dog and tell me not to kiss him! Anyway, I can’t throw a stick when he’s on top of me. Yes. Because you’re huge, aren’t you? You can take up Tony’s entire fancy bed, can’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh my god, what, seriously? No. Absolutely not. I bought it a kennel, it gets to sleep there. Here - give me that stick - 

[whooshing and barking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? Tony, you can’t have a dog and not sleep with it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Watch me! Steve, that bed costs entirely too much to fill with dog. He’s crate trained, and I built him probably the fanciest fucking crate on planet Earth, it even has a self-flushing refillable water bowl and everything. I think I’m going to patent the shit out of it.

[dog whining]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Oh. Good boy! Good-- all right--

[whooshing and barking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We can discuss sleeping arrangements later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Steve…. thanks for not freaking out when I bought you a dog after sleeping with you like …. nine times when I’m pretty sure moving in together and adopting animals is like the gay version of having children? And Pepper freaked out when I bought her a rabbit, and that thing wasn’t even alive. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. Tony, you don’t need to explain. You’re sort of making it sound like I should, er, freak out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ‘Should’ isn’t the word I would use. ‘Could’ might be okay. I - sorry, not trying to talk you out of accepting your gift, really. What are you going to name him? Or are we sticking with Mutt?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can’t call a dog ‘Mutt’ for its name, Tony. Er...ah. I don’t...I hadn’t really thought about it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, let me know when you decide, because I have a Captain America doggie sweater than needs monogramming.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What’s a good dog name? I’m terrible at naming things, Tony. When I was a kid, my mother saved up to get me a wooden soldier, it was all jointed and everything. I called it ‘soldier.’ 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

I was thinking it’d be good for the whole team to have him, so maybe we could let them vote? He’s good for people suffering from PTSD. Maybe we can just loan out his services - kind of like a hooker. 

Hey, Steve, why don’t we call him -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, we are not calling the dog Hooker. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hook? Roxanne? Charlotte the Harlot?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am not at all comfortable with giving a pet a name derived from the title of a sex worker, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, I’m all out of ideas.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I thought you didn’t get to name him, anyway. 

[silence]

What did you want to name your dog, when you were a kid?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hooker.

[swatting sounds]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** OW! Abuse! Captain America’s gone rogue!

[barking]

[laughter]

[whooshing and barking]

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] nnghhfffff you taste like dog, Rogers. How is this even my life?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you bought me a dog after sleeping with me nine times. Have you actually been _counting_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Um. I don’t really count, Steve, my brain just sort of tracks things. Like, you know, the number of tofu dishes Clint will eat - two - or the number of soldered connections in the armor - two thousand one hundred and nine - or the number of shoes you own. Which is eleven pairs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t have...dress shoes, work boots, sneakers, other sn--I _do_ have eleven pairs of shoes. 

[inaudible]

[thump]

[bark]

[inaudible]

One--ah…

[whooshing and barking]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What did you want to name your dog? I know you had a name picked out. Knowing you, you had a collar and a leash picked out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Psh, it was so long ago I have no idea.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How many pairs of shoes do I have? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ele - hmph. It was a horrifically embarrassing name, and anyway, we can’t use it anyway so it doesn’t really matter.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, according to your file, the last time you were embarrassed was in nineteen ninety-six. Of course we can, why wouldn’t we? You’re the one who always wanted a dog. It’s the least I can give you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible muttering]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** To...ny.

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmm…. Cap.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dog. Name.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Cap_. It - I wanted to name him Cap, alright? Seriously _dirty_ tactics, Rogers. 

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You did _not_. _Tony_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** WHAT? Come on - I was raised on the old comics. If anyone was gonna come along and rescue me from huge, empty summers at the Stark house…

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I want to rescue you from huge, empty summers at the Stark house. But I can’t name the dog that. Everyone will think your ego rubbed off on me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think that would take a little more rubbing. We could test that theory - 

[inaudible] 

Mm, Steve…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? It shuts you up more effectively than swatting.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Quit distracting me - you’ll make me forget part three. 

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There was a part three?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Part three was testing my new Stark brand shield generator. It’s, um. After the battle of New York, I just… am having a hard time thinking of the tower as, you know, a safe place to live.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s as safe as anywhere, but...we do have a glowing target on ourselves, and it’s not courtesy Clint Barton. So. Yes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So I put together a shield generator capable of throwing up a barrier around the entire tower. I figure once I’m sure it works I’ll sell a copy to Fury for a small fortune, but first and foremost I want it up and running right here. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. What can I do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I need someone strong enough to give the shield a workout, but not hulk-type-strong, not yet. I want to make sure everything holds before I have Bruce wail on it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Does this thing really exist or did you just call me up here to flex my muscles in your face? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course it works! But the muscle-ogling is an added bonus... I can’t help it. I’m predisposed. It’s probably some kind of serious genetic condition or something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I’d be very sad if you died from it, so I’ll just have to make sure to wear extra clothes around you from now on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? _No!_ In fact, I think we should move into the mansion full-time so that you can wear as little as possible as much as possible.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Contrary to popular belief, I do actually feel cold. Occasionally. My shield’s still in the hall. Give me a second-- Here, hold my shirt. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** guh - 

[slurping]

good… doggie. [patting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha, see, it’s not so bad. Where do you want me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Up against the wall’d be alright…

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmmm...shield generator testing first. Then we’re testing grass stains and beard burns. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tooooo-ny. What? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Merry Christmas.

[barking]

**{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}**

**{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}**


	192. A Trap?

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: Obligatory and festive Christmas greetings to all.

All,

I'm not sure which one of you is responsible for this, but there are stockings hung on the flatscreen in the common space, and someone is playing that godforsaken Yule Log Channel. Are we opening these things? Are they a trap?

Also, there is a dog. Nice dog, Stark. Why is there a dog? 

Anyway, the Doc asked me to email you all (he's got his nose in some science thing, as usual) and invite you to have Christmas dinner at six this evening. Doc's cooking. Steve and I went out and bought dessert (and showed off his dog. The dog is even more of a chick magnet than he is). 

And then we can open these stockings and sing some songs about reindeer or whatever it is you people want to do. I guess this is the first Christmas we're all together, isn't it? 

Thor, please let Darcy know she's welcome as well, as long as she doesn't spoil the Doctor Who special for certain actual doctors and/or archers who haven't gotten to watch it yet. 

\--Natasha


	193. Hung by the Flatscreen with Care

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org)](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: RE: Obligatory and festive Christmas greetings to all. 

 

Thank you, Natasha! Merry Christmas!

I'm obviously planning to be there. Natasha and I bought pies. Bruce, if you need kitchen help, let me know. I'll be happy to roll up my sleeves and make gravy or something, whatever you need. 

The stockings were already hung by the flatscreen with care when I came ~~dow~~ ~~in~~ down this morning at about 7. I don't really know who it could be. I do have presents for all of you, but I regret to inform you that it was not me.

Miss Potts is in town, so I sent her an invitation to dinner. She said she had other plans, but she might stop by after dinner to say hello. 

If anyone else wants to come see the dog, he's very friendly and extremely well-trained. He has a DVD. Otherwise, you will meet him at dinner.

\--Steve


	194. sensitive and inclusive

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: RE: Obligatory and festive Christmas greetings to all. 

 

Hey kids, happy holidays (see how much more sensitive and inclusive i am than nat?) and stuff -

Dinner sounds swell but some of us have other plans - that's right! other plans! with all the other friends that we have! so many friends. swimming in friends.

I will be sorry to miss it though. can we do something extra special for new years? I'll definitely grace you guys with my company then.

LOVE,

clint.


	195. Since When?

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: RE: Obligatory and festive Christmas greetings to all.

Wait, Barton, you have friends? Who aren't in your computer? Since when?

Fine, but I'm not saving you any pie. 

Love, The only Midgardian in this house not raised celebrating Christmas,

N


	196. slap some antlers on him

from: Stark, Tony ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

subject: RE: Obligatory and festive Christmas greetings to all.

My little Whos down in Whoville,

Be warned, I'm planning to co-opt steve's dog and slap some antlers on him for strategic Christmas-stealing purposes. If I get too drunk and/or lazy to bother with all that, though, I will definitely be there for dinner.

Don't go through the trouble of buying me presents, just watching Hawk Guy receive a verbal smackdown from legal is all I ever I could possibly want.

Can I bartend this shindig? Please say yes. 

\--the Grinch


	197. Cheesy Made-for-TV Special

**[LVL 41 / AREA MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:BANNER.Robert.B, FOSTER.Jane., ODINSON.Thor., ROGERS.Steven.G, ROMANOVA.Natalia,STARK.Anthony.E,CANINE:Unnamed; INORGANIC: DUM-E UNIT.003]**

**{{TRANSMITTING}}**

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright, alright you Christmas clowns, line up - hot buttered rye ready and desperate to be drunk… 

[clinking, pouring]

[barking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You buttered your liquor. Only Tony Stark would put butter in liquor.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Actually, my mother used to give it to me as a cold remedy. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I hope no one is forgetting the hard-working chef back here…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _No_ , Doc, god forbid. Here. 

[clink] 

But you owe me. 

Oooh. This is good. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Fill mine glass, brother, and we shall have a TOAST!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, I’ve always wanted a brother. Here, Thor - don’t, wait, I’ll top that up, hang on - knowing my luck, I’d end up with an evil twin out to steal my company or some shit. Steve, you drinking?

Sure. I...whiskey probably isn’t okay for dogs, is it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whatever, it’s Christmas. Bruce, grab a bowl!

[panting]

[lapping]

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Is there any...thing-not-alcoholic? There’s a conjunction of the Moon and Mars _and_ the Puppid-Velid meteor shower tonight and I know if I have too much whiskey I’ll just fall asleep on the sofa and...ooh. Whose orange soda is this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s mine, and it’s full of vodka. Come on, like you’re going to be able to see anything from here - it’s way, way too bright for meteor sightings. Steve! Drink this. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yessir! Ooh. Yum.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Well, normally, yes, it would be, but I’ve just built this [sounds of rummaging] device that recalibrates the color temperature of the night sky to make up for light pollution, so we should get quite a good picture. Here. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Nice garnish, Stark. Does this mean the, ah, cat is completely out of the bag?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ahem. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. That _is_ good. Give me another taste.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** An affection as pure as the driven snow - you paint a pretty picture, brothers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] You mean that cat? Er. I guess it--

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Did that just happen? That just happened. Wait. Neither of you have had that much to drink yet. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** It’s a new thing, Jane. The internet is calling it “Stony”, according to Clint. Try the soft cheese? It’s marvelous.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Wait, how does the intern--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The internet does NOT know yet, thank you very much Dr. Banner. JARVIS - make a note to google STONY, please.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Noted, sir.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Mmm, thank you. Wait. So. You-- Steve, I thought you were dating that girl, and-- wait. Wait. _I’m_ the one cohabiting with the Norse God of Thunder and I think my head is going to explode. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t forget the dog. Did you name the dog yet, boys?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Um. We’re still thinking about it. Wait, why are we Stony?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because internet, babe. It’s kind of like a Comic Con thing. And no, Nat - we’re open to suggestions, seeing as Steve has cruelly shot down my every - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** You wanted to name the dog ‘Hooker!’ 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I once knew a brave dwarven warrior, whose hand had been burned off in the fires of his golden forge, who wielded cruel iron in battle and was named, by his shield-brothers, Hooker. This name sounds both brave and fitting for such a beast!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** See, Thor is team Hooker, it’s a perfectly good name!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** He’s referencing prostitution, Thor. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Ah, you mean that oldest, most noble of professions?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Someone come serve the hummus, please!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You let this crowd name your dog, it’s going to end up being the Marquis de Sade, Steve. I had a-- one second, Doc-- do you need a refill? I had a dog when I was a kid. Well. It wasn’t exactly mine. But we had one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Somehow I have a hard time imagining you getting touchy-feely with a slobbery mutt, Nat. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It was a trained killer, Stark. Named Drozhok. Means ‘Buddy.’ 

**ODINSON.Thor:** My warriors three have had a number of skilled hunting dogs over the years. Most were simply named for their number of kills. Jane, dear, may I taste of your orange soda?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Poor guy would have to be called Zero, and that’s just - well actually, it kind of makes me think of the Nightmare before Christmas.

I still think Hooker is -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _No_ , Tony. My dog.

[barking]

C’mere, you. Up. 

[patting]

Nightmare Before Christmas is that one we watched with the skeleton and the evil flour sack full of bugs, right?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, yeah.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** I used to have goldfish named Sirius and Procyon. Who are both dogs. But I kept having to replace them because they don’t live very long if you forget to feed them. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** See, Tony? Those are better names. Only...naming a dog after a fish seems weird. We were going to watch Christmas movies, weren’t we?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Good luck. Clint fucked up all the DVR cables. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Again?_ Ugh. Someone hold my drink. Steve hasn’t seen A Christmas Story _or_ Love Actually, and I intend to remedy that post-dinner.

**[door opening]**

**ODINSON.Thor:** I have seen this Love Actually! Lady Darcy watches it endlessly. I quite like the actress - what is her name - whose mouth does not shut.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** As much as I like that movie, I have to say that the depictions of romantic love in it are extremely unrealistic. I really don’t belie--

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** You mean Keira Knightley! Ugh, fuck it’s cold! You’re totally right, Jane, Liam Neeson and Claudia Schiffer? Totally unbelievable. Hey! Look at this Christmassy room full of scientifically-enhanced überhumans and a guy from space! Merry Christmas!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You … sound difficult to watch movies with. Are you the kind of person who bitches because Jack Skellington doesn’t have tendons with which to move his skeletal system?

 **FOSTER.Jane:** No, but I really feel like Santa Claus would be harder to kidnap. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** She’s the worst. Don’t watch sci-fi anything with her, ever. Oh, look, Duane Reade was open, so you all have presents, now. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [laughter] Did you really buy presents at Duane Reade?!

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** It’s the only thing open. Here, I got you some, um...do you like chocolate-covered popcorn. You get chocolate-covered popcorn, Bruce. And a toothbrush but you’re going to have to open the multi-pack and pick whatever color you want.

Hey, Steve. Nice beard. Nice incredibly tight tee shirt. Nice, uh. Dog? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Thanks, I think...ah. Christmas present. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** From _whom_? Hi! Hi, doggie! Is it a boy or a girl? Does it have a name? Aww, yes, you’re almost as cute as your owner and way more likely to lick my face. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Only because I’ve reserved all future face-lickings. Do you want another drink, Steve? I’d love to make you another drink. And also admire your new shirt. And your muscles under that wonderfully tight t-shirt.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I pick purple - Clint will just have to dealpleasedon’tactuallylickhisfacesteve.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oh, I got Clint a real present. Wanna see?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t worry, we’ll keep the public displays of--

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Whoa. Wait. Uh. This face-licking conversation just went in all kinds of weird directions. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Weird, or amazing?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** So are you two fucking or something? Amazing, if I’m allowed to watch. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** N-- er. Ye-- uh. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Lady Darcy, you know that violates the social customs of Midgard, unless it happens in Vega or after a bachelorette party, as I recall. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** No, that’s cool, Steve, keep people guessing. Can I put it on Tumblr at least? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It depends on how much you feel like spending on legal fees this spring. 

Ooh, I want the red toothbrush! Merry Christmas, Darcy.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Merry Christmas. Are you giving out dogs willy-nilly this year or it’s just the one? If I’m really good can I get the new StarkPhone? Oh. And a drink. I have empty hands. _Empty_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here, drink this. And yeah, I’m probably good for a Starkphone or two, you want the MarkXIII or the new Note?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oooh, which is the one with the super glare-free screen? That’s Thirteen, right? Look at mine, it’s all cracked, ugh. 

Oh, Nat, here, um...here?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, I always wanted a lint-shaver. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, what have you done to my tech?! I’m not sure you deserve a new piece of SIware. DUM-E, bring over toolset 31-B and one of the spare markXIIIs, would you?

[beeping]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I’m glad his santa hat is finally staying on, it was so sad when it slipped over his optical sensors.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wow, these - these selfies ARE ridiculous. Steve, would you pour me another rye?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Sure, uh...I always pour them too tall, though…

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Yeah, I don’t even know, Clint and his girlfriend have been like totally occupying my feed all day. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No such thing as too tall. Uh. They’re not - actually dating, I think.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Really? ‘Cause I don’t think-- Scroll up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Darcy? _Shut up._

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Why am I shutting up?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, he _didn't_ , did he? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughs] So, uh. Where were we.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Doc, did you need help with tha--

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Come on down, I’ll put you on dish duty.

[running water]

[door slides open, footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Uh. You can stop looking at me like that any minute now. 

[barking]

No, no, dog, I’m good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Like what? I’m still waiting for my rye.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Rye. Looking at me like there are pictures of Clint making out with my ex-gi--

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oh. Oh shit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re not making out, they’re just goofing around. Clint’s, well, you know how he is. He’s also getting nothing but coal for Christmas. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Beware, for your noble beast makes a valiant attempt to dine on soft cheeses!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Um. Dog. Can dogs eat cheese? Just...here, dog, no, um. Let me cut some for you?

It’s all right, Tony. He did ask first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I just… you know. It’s Christmas and all. You should enjoy it.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Does he know any tricks? We must instruct him!

[bark]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Does the dog have a _name_ You can’t just call him ‘dog,’ that’s like calling a kid ‘boy.’ 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Um. He has a DVD. We haven’t watched it yet, though. Here, boy, here’s some brie just for you. 

[lapping]

I _am_ enjoying it. At least now we know what his better offer was. Here, do you want some cheese?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes. Yes I do.

[licking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Would you like some fingers?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Okay, this is...this is super awkward. JANE. Have a...um. Air freshener and a packet of Mentos and...here’s a plastic dinosaur. 

**FOSTER.Jane:** I’m pretty sure that’s not an actual species of dinosaur, but perfect, it can go with the plastic giraffe from last year. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** And the inflatable mummy from the year before.  
[door sliding open]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Hey, does anyone feel like running across the street?? I can’t believe we’re out of paprika in this place.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I can go, Doc. You just need paprika? Are they still open? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** They should be - I hate to make you do that, I was counting on you as cookie-spicing backup.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Have we an errand that needs running?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Cookie spicing? You know I’m shit at cooking, Doc. Just paprika, Thor, you know which one that is, right? 

**FOSTER.Jane:** I’ll go. You can’t send Thor to the grocery store alone. He ends up spending a half-hour in the frozen foods section. 

[footsteps]

[rustle of coats]

[door opening, closing]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Where was I? Hmm, Tony, you get-- no, not pantyhose...sparkly blue nail polish? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just what you get the billionaire who has everything. Maybe Nat will swap with me.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** It matches Steve’s uniform; you could paint his toes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, he couldn’t. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You sure, sweet cheeks? I could paint the dog’s nails. C’mere boy!

[paws on floor]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, you are not-- 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Um. I could trade you for some...gel insoles?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I think I’ll stick with my polish. Maybe Stevie will do my toes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You trust me with your toes? You do realize I’ve never done this before. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** God. And you won’t let me liveblog this.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, because you keep ruining Christmas.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** How is it my fault? I’m not the one who put on a Santa hat and posted a photo of me fireman-carrying Steve’s ex-girlfriend in a super short skirt and panties that say--

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Will you please fuck off?_ Go spice some fucking cookies or something, jesus fucking christ -

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** UGH. Fine. Good lord, you people.

[footsteps]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What a fucking -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony. You don’t need to-- err-- I suspect I know exactly which underwear she’s talking about. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I officially hate Christmas. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony. It’s bothering you a lot more than it’s bothering me. Don’t get angry at Christmas. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry, Steve. I’ve always hated Christmas - and I know last year sucked for you guys, too, so.... I was hoping this year would break the streak.

[beeping]

Cheers, DUM-E. It’s been a year since they were tossed into the Pacific - what a year.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] 

The last month hasn’t been so bad.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm… Steve --

[door opens, footsteps]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Ugh, they’re arguing about Deleuze and Guattari in there. 

[sigh]

I’m just going to have another drink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

[door sliding open]

[dog barking]

[inaudible]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** ……. um. Merry….

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** PEPPER. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [throat clearing] Ah! You came after all! Er...here, can I take your…? 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Um. Pepper Potts. Hi. Should I just pour an entire round of drinks? 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Yes. And then an entire round for me. Why is there a dog?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah. He was my Christmas present. He’s really friendly, if you like dogs.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Right, so I’m dispensing with all this hot buttered stuff and making corpse revivers. Those are Christmas drinks, right? Or I guess those would be more like Easter drinks, oh well. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** You got Steve a dog?!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes, I did, and he _likes it._ His name is Hooker.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** His name is not Hooker. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Of course you’d pick something totally inappropriate and - 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** PEPPER.

[silence]

Pepper. It’s - um. Here. Is your gift. I’m such a huge, enormous, horrible asshole, but I’m really glad you’re here.

Merry Christmas.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** Tony… 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** [muttered] Yeah, uh, Steve, have a drink.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Those don’t--

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** [muttered] Have one anyway. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You, ah. You’re not going to --

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** I’ll open it later, if that’s okay with you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, of course.

I didn’t think you were coming.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** I… didn’t plan to come. My other plans just, sort of. It’s Christmas and I didn’t feel like… I didn’t get you anything.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s - god, this sounds like some kind of cheesy made-for-TV special. It’s just good to see you.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** You really gave Steve a dog?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I sort of did. On the plus side, I submitted patent requests for the StarkStyle super canine clubhouse? It’s kind of the world’s poshest dog crate. Maybe we could branch out.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** [quiet laughter] _You’re_ pitching that one to the board on your own.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It has special lighting to mimic the sun during wintertime? And a magic water bowl, and I haven’t really looked at the rest yet.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** That sounds kind of intense.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah, well. You know. Tony. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Pepper Potts. Here’s your drink. I’m Darcy Lewis, Jane’s assistant? I got you a present; what flavor lip gloss do you like? Pineapple or root beer? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She also has gel insoles - actually, no, go with lip gloss. I bought half your heels, I’ll be pretty put out if shoes _that expensive_ require insoles. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Hmmm, I’ll take root beer. Nice to meet you, Darcy.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Yeah. Really big fan of that interview you did in _Vogue_ where you bitched them the fuck out for placing unrealistic body expectations on businesswomen. Great stuff. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** [laughs] Oh, god, my number of interview requests tripled after that little fiasco. You’re the one who keeps posting photos online of Thor learning how to do things, right? I loved the one with him and the blender.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Yes! That! Fuckyeahthorcanlearnshit dot Tumblr dot com! You follow that? Sweet! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hmm? What?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you gonna do the other half of my toes, or what? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Uh. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Your - oh, christ, Tony. And it’s Captain America blue, go figure. I’m gonna drop these gifts under the tree - where’s Natalie? I mean, Natasha?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Yeah, well, I bought the nail polish before I knew anything about, uh, these guys because I was sort of planning to spend the entire night flirting with Captain Hottie here. Natasha’s in the kitchen having a _super intense_ debate about postmodernists. I don’t know if you want to...Are you going to fix my phone, Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m pretty sure you threw an “if I’m good” in there. That’s what I heard. Did you hear that, Steve? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I, uh, heard--

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Dude, I am being so good you don’t even _know_ right now. My goodness knows no bounds. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine, give it here. You really don’t deserve this, though.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** Don’t be prissy, Stark. 

[door opening, shutting]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My friends, we have merrily returned! And we come bearing ‘tofu pups!’

[jingling]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** JARVIS, tell the cooks their delivery is here and they can, uh, stop debating the figurative colonization of the literary landscape. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Certainly, Ms. Lewis.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** Merry Christmas, JARVIS. It’s been a while - it’s good to hear your voice.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Likewise, Ms. Potts. The tower and its residents miss you sorely.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Pepper, I didn’t know we were going to see you! Listen, thank you for setting me up with those _Popular Science_ people, they’re going to be doing a feature in August; we’re really thrilled for the publicity, since it’s just about grant renewal time. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Oh, Jane, it’s lovely to see you - and wow, you look great in red! Any time - honestly, any time, I was happy to do it.

[door opening]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Bring on the papr-- Thor, are those antlers?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Verily, good doctor! Tiny antlers of cloth, complete with bells. They promise to grant a boon of fertility to all in my presence! 

[jingling]

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Not too fertile please. What? I have a grant proposal to write! 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** It’s a nice look for you. You guys hungry?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** So hungry. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Yes, the many ‘free samples’ of the whole foods have merely piqued my appetite!

 **FOSTER.Jane:** They almost threw us out, but then he took photos with the manager. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Everything is amazing. Doc let me lick the spoon. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...huh, Nat, didn’t you have your hair…?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh. Yes. It kept getting in the batter, and I don’t think any of us want hair cookies, do we? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That sounds like something Clint would cook.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Cookies are the only thing Clint _can_ cook. Doc’s are better, though. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** I bet they are. Um, Ms. Potts? Pepper? Do you want to sit next to me? You probably don’t want to talk business on Christmas, but I totally have ideas about your social media strategy. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Of course, Darcy. Natalie, it’s good to see you - your cheeks are so red! Those drinks must be good.

[chairs scraping]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Who wants to say grace?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I vote Steve. Though I’m trying really hard to pass up on a great separation of church and state joke.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** I … actually also vote for Steve.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** His rousing battlefield speeches kindle fierce fires in the breast of men - surely his ritual prayers shall also be stirring.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah, you’re giving me a lot to live up to, here, Thor...In the name of the--you, uh...anyone mind if I do the Catholic thing? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I’m an “all faiths are one” kind of guy, so whatever you like, Cap.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Go ahead. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [clears throat] In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost...ah. Bless this table and everyone sitting here with us tonight, and those we love who aren’t here with us. We thank you for your for blessing in the past year, and ask you to grant it to us in the year ahead...Amen. 

Food? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** AMEN!

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING…}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Duane Reade](http://www.duanereade.com) is a local chain of drugstores in NYC that were recently purchased by Walgreens. There is only on pretty much every block (like Starbucks), including one directly across 8th Avenue from the Tower. [This](https://foursquare.com/v/duane-reade/4bd918865cf276b0739e9d00) is the Duane Reade she visits. 
> 
> The Puppid-Veilid meteor shower as well as the conjunction of the Moon & Mars did actually occur on December 25, 2013.
> 
> Thor and Jane buy paprika [here](http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/columbuscircle). 
> 
> MERRY UNCHRISTMAS, READERS!!
> 
> We've had a lot of really great suggestions for what the newest cast member (DOGGY) should be named, so rather than let Tony ( ~~Captain Hooker~~ ) or Steve ( ~~dog~~ ) decide, we want YOU to do it. 
> 
> Selected names will be put on a secondary poll for the final cut! BE A PART OF HISTORY, SUGGEST A NAME TODAY!
> 
> If you have a moment, please fill out our reader poll sometime in the next week. Five easy questions, the naming-of-the-dog being the first. The other questions are just PURE CURIOSITY on our part, as your speculation fills us with joy ~~and occasionally prompts evil cackling and midnight texts~~.
> 
>  
> 
> [1796 Broadway Reader Poll](https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/3ZQ2KKL)


	198. Tiny Pink Newborn Baby

Stark,

I know I'm going to sound like a ball-buster here, but this has been coming for a while. Clint asked me about it a few days ago, and then Steve and I took the dog for a walk, and then we had that lovely dinner, and I've been trying to decide exactly what I should say. 

Steve's a funny kid. And I mean he's a kid. You get he's a kid, right?

Yes, look, he's an incredibly gorgeous, six-three, blond kid with a chest that looks like it was chiseled out of marble by Michelangelo himself, but he is a tiny pink newborn baby compared to the rest of us. And I don't mean he's immature, or childish, it's just that I don't know how much you know or understand what we all went through while you were in California, but Steve is like a little brother to me. Or what I think a little brother must be like. So I need to play big sister. 

We've been living here for more than a year now, and you know he's living right next door to me, and I guess…I'll admit I spent the first couple of months thinking he was actually not too bright. 

But then I realized it's just that he has this naïveté and idealism that haven't been sucked out of his soul yet, somehow, and it's beautiful and fragile and good and he deserves to have it for as long as he can, because he's had pretty much everything else taken from him, even though you won't hear him complain about it, ever. He'll tell these terrible, pitiable stories as if they were run-of-the-mill, everyday things that happen to all of us. I know my history isn't exactly charming, but I know what it is and what it isn't. I'm not sure he has any basis for comparison to make that judgment, and he doesn't realize he deserves better.

And I realized he was sad. Really sad. Sad enough it drove him to distraction. And rightly so--he's been sad for as long as I've known him.

So we went for a walk today. Me and him and the dog. And he actually seems happy. Not elated happy, just…even-keeled happy. And you got him a dog, which-- it seems over-the-top and absurd, but you are nothing if not over-the-top and absurd. 

But he also seems anxious, and forgive me for being blunt, but I think he's overwhelmed. The way the two of you interacted at dinner--watching your reactions when Darcy brought up Clint and Becky, watching you both trying to navigate Pepper's presence in the room-- you don't take cues from him, and he's too deferential. And he doesn't know what to do with someone older-- to be more accurate, it's Steve. He doesn't know what to do with affection, in general. He freezes up if I lean my head on his shoulder. But I get the sense that he's in over his head, and I don't know what you're looking for, there. I don't need to know; it's not my business. I'm not going to interfere, but I will make it my business if I see him in pain.

So, listen. You know I don't think you're a bad guy. I think you're a fucked up guy, and this is coming from the queen of the fucked up people, so I don't mean that as an insult. But you're both lonely and sad, and eventually the novelty's going to wear off. I want you to do me a favor and think about where you're going to be when the novelty wears off. I want you to decide whether you can do this without fucking him up, too. I think I know you well enough to believe there's a chance you can, even if it's an infinitesimally tiny one.

Just make sure you put him back in the same condition you found him in, all right? Make sure he doesn't stop making friends or get too wrapped up in this for his own good. He doesn't have a lot to ground him here. If you can do that for me, I'll owe you one. If not…well. We'll be talking about it. 

Nat


	199. unsent

~~Nat –~~

~~I know that you’re probably~~

~~Believe it or not I can kind of see~~

~~I’m still learning what he nee~~

~~you have no idea how much i~~

~~Fuck.  
~~


	200. Marry Me!

T-- 

Thanks

\--S

  



	201. Christmas Miracle

S - 

HAH! Did you see this floating around on TMZ? That's not a bad idea. Though "Starkvengers" is kind of a mouthful...

Also, you can totally be straight (well, mostly) with me -- you were behind the stockings, right?? It was so totally you. 

T

  


**The Ghost of Christmas Future**

Stark Industries' CEO Pepper Potts' extended trip to New York has everyone talking this week, especially after she was spied leaving Starkvengers Tower early in the morning on Thursday, December 26.

Last week, rumors circulated that Potts may have traded up for a younger, blonder, better model when she was seen sharing omakase at Morimoto with Steve "Captain America" Rogers, and now she's following up that patriot act with an overnight stay in her ex's tower ~~of masculine overcompensation~~.

A source close to Stark, however, claims that the Potts-Rogers pair is idle speculation-- that our favorite winghead is actually playing wingman to his partner in crimefighting, and trying to help the knight in titanium-gold alloy armor win back his fair damsel. Reports fresh out of Japan (remember Japan? That place Tony Stark went to have his nervous breakdown?) claim that Tony Stark was seen purchasing this [Mikimoto necklace](http://www.mikimotoamerica.com/pearl-types/akoya/station-necklace-32.html) during his stay. There's been talk he's been seeing someone new, but we've always known Pepper Potts is a sucker for pearls-- Tony Stark wouldn't turn around and buy them for someone else, would he? 

Although our exclusive commentary from one of NYC's hottest family planners now has it that the real reason for Potts' sudden interest in our favorite Star-Spangled Hottie may just be another immaculate conception. After details last Spring suggested that Potts and Stark were on the lookout for a surrogate to help them conceive a little Iron Baby, now we're hearing that the newly-single Potts may be seeking a sperm donor, and HELLO, let's talk about a pinnacle of genetic perfection. 

So what's the story? Could another Christmas miracle be on the way?


	202. so easy to forget.

form: Clint Barton ([hawkeye@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))

subject: (no subject)

Nat-

You wouldn’t believe how fantastic these last few days have been for me. I mean I’m not really the bragging type (soul of modesty and humility, your clint) but look at all this fucking amazing food:

 

I should have called yesterday, but I didn't. I should have written yesterday, but... i didn't, obviously. Not to get all sentimental because it’s (well, it was, yesterday) Christmas, but… you wouldn’t believe this trip, nat. I’ve never had a Christmas like that. it was all hot chocolate and stockings and advent calendars and waking up with a gorgeous woman wrapped around you in her tiny twin bed in a room with the most hideous wallpaper you’ve ever laid eyes on. Becky’s family is pretty cool – her sister is one of those jaw-grindingly successful people that ends up sounding accidentally condescending in that I-just-want-the-best-for-you way that’s hard to fault her for. Her brother in law works a nine to five and coaches little league on his weekends. Her niece and nephew are stupidly cute and polite and made garlands out of popcorn for their tree.

One of them asked me about New York. Wanted to know what aliens look like, if their guts smelled gross, if the Hulk was as big as he looked. I answered all his questions. He drew me a picture of me with my bow on top of Stark tower shooting the vortex. He thanked me for saving his house.

nat – you know how it’s been since new york. I don’t sleep. I’ve turned into this grumpy jackass who hates fucking everything around him because part of me can’t walk away from that fucking battle, the tesseract, loki, everything. I can’t get excited about anything, about the avengers, about – I just keep thinking, I didn’t win that fight. I shot a few bugs but if you hadn’t pulled through I would have 

...

...

but this kid thanked me. Just smiled and thanked me and drew me this stupid picture, and all I could think was – this is it. That shit is what we fought for, right? Becky and her family and a thousand thousand families like them, which is kind of obvious and cheesy but… i know i don't need to remind you that people like us don’t get to see sisters bickering over whether the roast beef is done, or watch the brother in law sneak cigarettes behind the garage, or teach three year olds the difference between blue and purple. I forget. it's so easy to forget.

so I got a sneak peak at the real world this Christmas, that fucking perfect TV land where families pick you up from the train station and bicker about the remote but actually love one another and kids put nickels in swear jars and parents save for college. And I know that world isn’t for people like me, and becky and I will eventually not be a Thing and that’s fine and everything, but something about visiting that stupid house and stuffing my face on stupid Yorkshire pudding and falling asleep on their couch in front of a roaring fire and a snoring dog made me so stupidly happy that we won. It’s been two years and I just 

I finally feel like 

…

so i didn't call. i wanted to just, you know. even with the alien vortex drawings and all, i wanted to forget for a minute that i was an agent of shield and an avenger and just sort of...be a guy? for a day. and I did. and it was incredible.

merry Christmas, nat. I’m sorry I wasn’t at the tower. I have an appropriately excellent present for you, but I wanted to give it in person so you’ll just have to wait. 

Love you.  
clint


	203. I Wouldn't Ask You for Anything Else

from:  
Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20)) to: Clint Barton ([hawkeye@avengersinitiative.org](%20)) 

subject: RE: (no subject)

C--

I don't think in all my years knowing you that I've ever gotten a written message this long from you. You don't need to apologize for not calling-- I know where you are, I know you're safe and happy. This isn't one of those years where you're on the other side of the world and I don't know when I'll see you again.

You made the right choice. Christmas at the Tower was nice, but painfully awkward in perts-- Stark got Steve a dog. _a dog_. You'll actually love the dog, but… _a dog_. And Pepper came, and as nice as it was to see her, I absolutely ached for her, knowing what it must be like to watch someone you had been so…indivisible from…suddenly deep in domesticity with someone new. I remember back when Stark first hired me to work for him, how upset Pepper was at the fact that he was paying attention to me, even when the attention was appropriate (which did happen, very occasionally). And then I saw it from the other side, when I was her assistant. They were all the other one had for so long. And now he's _buying dogs_ for someone else while the ashes of what they had are still smoldering. Steve loves the dog, though, and he seems to be more at peace than I've seen him in a long time, so that's a relief.

It would have been nice to have you here, but, no-- it's good. Good to hear that you're getting a little happiness for Christmas. You deserve it more than most. 

FYI, before you get back, the cat is out of the bag where Becky is concerned-- following Darcy on Tumblr and Instagram was probably a tiny bit of an error in judgment if you ever wanted to keep your private life private from this lot. Tony seemed to take it worse than Steve, though. I would say I'd be kicking myself for not encouraging you in that direction sooner, but when we all first met her, you were still being that grumpy jackass.

You know I have some understanding of what you went through these past two years, the deep sense of loss you've been feeling, and to see you starting to come out of that, finally, is one of the best gifts anyone could give me. I wouldn't ask you for anything else. You do, however, have a stocking waiting for you here at the Tower (though I'm waiting to see if any of the rest of our teammates ever figure out that I'm the one who hung and filled them). And I do have a proper gift for you. Let's exchange gifts when you get back. 

There are a lot of things that I want to tell you, and that I've been trying to find the right time and the right way, but I haven't wanted to add anything to the weight you've already had hanging from your neck. I know the next week is going to be incredibly hectic, but if we could take a day, sometime just after the new year, and go for a long walk, or sit in an empty coffee shop, I'd really like to talk to you, somewhere away from the Tower and all its insanity. 

Merry Christmas. I love you, too.

\--N


	204. PARTY PARTY PARTY

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: PARTY PARTY PARTY

Okay, people! 

I miiiiiight have had a little too much glögg! But a little bird (okay a big blond bird who IS TRYING TO STEAL MY STOLLEN CLINT STOP THAT YOU HAVE YOUR OWN STOLLEN) told me to REMIND YOU ALL THAT I AM THROWING BASICALLY THE BEST HOLIDAY PARTY EVER. I WOULD SEND YOU THE FB INVITE BUT SOME PEOPLE (STEVE) REFUSE TO GET FB ACCOUNTS SOOOOOO.

Saturday, December 28  
8pm till WHENEVER WE RUN OUT OF BOOZE  
Über Arts Unltd Gallery  
459 W 19th Street

Take the A or C from Columbus Circle to 14th st., get out at the 16th st. exit-- it's a super quick walk. The front door will be open! 

DRESS CODE: RIDICULOUS HOLIDAY CLOTHES OPTIONAL. (Clothes are not optional; sadly, it is not that kind of party. I mean Santa hats, ugly sweaters, battery-operated Christmas lights, are ALL TOTALLY WELCOME. You should do those things!)

Tony, I know we haven't met, but I have been informed (by a different blond winged creature) that you will join us if I save you shitloads of bourbon balls. You had better put in an appearance, because I made them myself and they are fucking awesome.

Okay, smooches, everybody! I kidnapped your archer for another day, sorry about that, but we're gonna hang out in Jersey till Fri and play the shit out of some Candy Land with some toddlers. Hope you all had an awesome Christmas and I'll see you Sat! 

\--Becky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Über Arts Gallery is fictional, but located at the real-life location of [Koenig and Clinton](http://koenigandclinton.com) Gallery. You can visit there!
> 
> All: 
> 
> Today it's been four months since we started writing 1796 Broadway. We couldn't be more appreciative to all of you for all of your kind words, enthusiasm, and support. This is such a wonderful experience for both of us and we truly love every minute of it. 
> 
> Four months. 100,000 words. 60,000 hits. 8000 comments. 950 kudos. Thanks all of you for every comment, every reblog, every rec, every chaining-your-friends-to-their-desks-and-forcing-them-to-read-this. You guys are the BEST readers ever. We'll be throwing you an unforgettable (we hope) party tomorrow.


	205. Jingle Balls

T-

I think it's a little early to be having any conversations about kids, don't you? I mean, we just got a dog and all.

Are you-- I thought you did the stockings. No? You know I don't have the money for that. Or are you just trying to mislead me?

Do you know what you're wearing to Becky's party? I guess we're supposed to wear Christmas things? I have a jingle bell I can wear around my neck, and a Santa hat. And a blue and white snowflake sweater, does that work?

And there were, uh, light-up underwear in my stocking that say "jingle balls" on them. Could have sworn there was only one person in this house with a puerile enough sense of humor for that. (Not that I'm complaining). 

-S


	206. Jingle ALL the way.

S--

Jingle balls???? This is relevant to my interests.

Seriously though, you must be joking... You know me better than that. I am super not into Christmas....and it's very un-American to lie about Christmas, Steve. 

I got an Elvis Presley Christmas flask. Which I'm totally bringing to the party, BTW.

Becky's thing is a Chelsea art party full of Brooklyn hipster douchebags, right? Your sweater sounds perfect, it'll be either seasonally perfect or sharply ironic, and I'm pretty sure that's exactly what these people go for.

it really was a lovely Christmas, wasn't it? I'm sleeping in your room tonight. Jingle ALL the way! 

Tony


	207. Kind of like this

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/)  
to: Natalie Rushman ([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: +5 pants of tightness

Nat --

Not to be weird, but your hips don't lie and I'm pretty sure we're similar in size -- do you have any pants that look kind of like this?????

T 


	208. Thoroughly Laundered

Stark--

Do I want to know? I don't want to know, do I? 

Here are two pairs of jeans, one pair of size 6 and a pair of size 8. I want them thoroughly laundered before you return them. 

This is only because I didn't get you a Christmas present. 

\--Natasha

P.S. I assume these are for the party tonight-- let's take a car so we don't have to deal with holiday drunks on the subway. Tell the doc he should come; last I saw, he's got his head buried in something in the lab. I know everyone else is coming for sure, but you can never tell with him.


	209. Iron Spike

{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 459 W 19TH ST NEW YORK NY 10011]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[Background noise, chatter, footsteps.]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU: CAREY, MARIAH, 1969-]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** \- you sure, Cap? You’re not just flattering an old man, are you?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, he’s flattering. You look ridiculous. I can’t believe I’m letting you do this.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you let your stylist do THAT to your hair, so you’re clearly having an off-week. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** My _stylist_ is a box of Clairol, a mirror, and Steve. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oooh, you know what shit will do to your ends. I’m kidding - not about the split ends, but about the color. You know I love blondes. Maybe we should all go blonde! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Maybe we should all wear pants that cut off the circulation to our-- ahem. Legs. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I feel like this vision is going to haunt me every time you wear those pants, Nat.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, _Steve_ is the one who told me we were here to hipster watch. I’m just trying to _blend in_. This is stealth mode, bitches.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I said nothing of the sort. I said there would be cheap boxed wine. We were supposed to wear _holiday_ clothes. Holiday. The glasses are c-- a, ah, nice touch, though. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t think I _can_ wear those pants again; Stark’s gone and stretched them out. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** As impressive as the is the stretch of Master Stark’s iron spike, I find myself far more intrigued by the masterworks gracing these fine walls…. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _IRON SPIKE._ Did nobody else hear that? _IRON SPIKE._ It’s perfect for _nailing_ all the hot blondes I -

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We are never going to hear the end of this one, are we? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** OW! Christ, Bruce, _really?_ Such violence at Christmas? And the sweater is perfectly theme-appropriate, Steve. God.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Since when is Iron Man theme-appropriate? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you not seeing his cute little Rudolph nose? It’s 3-D and everything. Here, touch it, it’s so soft and friendly…. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I shall touch your tiny balls, Man of Iron! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who are you callin’ tiny?! 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Ahahaha! By Odin, it comes alight! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh good god. He lights up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Admit it, Steve. The future is _awesome_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [whispered] The future is giving me one more reason to want to rip that off you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Look! Tis my very likeness, made up of a thousand tiny spheres!

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** It’s called _pointillism_ , pioneered by an artist named Georges Seurat in the eighteen-- holy shit, Hello Captain Jingle Bells. 

[jingling]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Lady Darcy, you attended after all - bosom broad and smile even broader! Allow me to lay kisses upon your cheeks!

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Steve, are you letting Darcy jingle your bells? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Our noble Captain’s bells are worthy of any praise, not to mention frequent handling.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** I’ve got bells, too, if somebody wants to jingle them. See? [jingling] Oh, hey, nice, like, Marilyn Monroe thing going on, Nat. Man, I’ve never stared at anybody’s pecs through an ugly Christmas sweater before. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Iknowit’salittletightitwasthebiggestonetheyhadatTargetand--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Target sells _clothes?_

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [laughing] I don’t think anyone is actually complaining, Steve. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I have grown quite fond of Target! They sell many small trinkets, suitable for use as Midgardian souvenirs. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** I know I wasn’t. Target should have you in their _ab--_ I mean, _ads_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I seriously thought it was some kind of redneck gunshow type place, do they not even sell -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They sell Iron Man sheets, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You should have worn some of those. You would look amazing in my Iron Man sheets. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** They have Captain America sheets, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _They have Captain America sheets!?_

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Guess what I have on my bed? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, you would hate Target. I don’t think there’s a single thing in the store that costs over a thousand dollars. You have to wait on lines. With other people. In front of you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Eh, I could wear a cunning disguise-- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all the way over in Brooklyn.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** it’d--Brooklyn. Bleh. Darcy, I’ll give you a thousand dollars if you go buy me some Cap sheets. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Thrown in a case for my new phone and we have a deal.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t deserve a new phone, you break everything. … _Fine._

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Yessss. Score. So, Steve, what’re you doing la--

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You...oh my god, EVERYONE! Nat! Your hair!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. It’s too blonde. Thank god, Becky; I was afraid I was going to have watch everyone in the room ogle Captain America for the rest of the night. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** No, no, no, it’s not too blonde, it’s super cute, you look super retro, especially with those curls. STEVE! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah, hi, Bec...

[smooching sound]

Everyone’s here. We even dragged the scientists out of the lab. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Miss Quan, good to see you again.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** _Bruce_ , it’s Becky. Please. Or at least Rebecca. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you’re the Rebecca Quan I’ve heard so much about. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Tony. Stark. I was starting to think you were _actually_ a computer program. Here you are. Thank you for the flowers, by the way, they’re…very...ostentatious. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Perfect. Subtlety hardly befits a gallery singing your own praises. The place looks lovely; very industrial. Love the mistletoe on the AC vents.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Ha! And you light up! Aww, it’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Armor. Well. Thank you. Mostly people just glare at it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughing] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Miss Becky, you look most elegant this evening! it is a pleasure to observe your work and partake in these tiny, delicious sandwiches! Jane sends her regards, she was most disappointed at her inability to attend.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Ugh, she’s had a _breakthrough_. You know what Jane is like when she has a _breakthrough_. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** We’ll be lucky if she emerges by dawn, at this rate. But my lady-dove so thrills in her discoveries, far be it from me to distract her. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, well, send her hugs from me. Oof! Thank you, Thor. I love your antlers! You can. Um. Put me down. The work isn’t mine; I just hang the stuff on the walls, it’s all the lady of the hour, who I’ll-- you’ll meet her, oh my god, Tony, she wants to meet you so bad. You, uh...I sort of expected you to be taller. And have bigger pants.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well you know what they say, when you assume-

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey Becs, I asked Rachel to put out another two cheese platters, that shit is going like - oh. Hi, Avengers. Hi, Tony’s incredibly tight, tiny pants.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** They’re my pants. Stark is trying to be inconspicuous. Ironic, isn’t it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Hipsters._

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, thanks, babe. Mwah. So, T-- is it okay if I call you Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah - sure, go for it. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** I don’t think you’ve actually been _in_ here, but you actually have four pieces from this gallery. Somewhere. You’re one of our best customers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Unsurprising - I pay the best curators available, Miss Quan. And I do a love a good Cap-hanging-from-a-burning-Zeppelin now and then.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Yes! Steve showed me that one. You know it’s based off art from an actual issue of _Captain America_ , right? Crazy shit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah - yeah, what was it? Volume 250 or something, one of the Steve Green issues. [cough] My old man collected, you know. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Yeah! Steve told me all about your crazy Cap stuff. I would love to get to paw through all that.

Guys, we could get a set for the common room - Steve could pick ‘em out, his taste is beyond compare.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know if I’m really qualified to--

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I shall choose my own likeness! I think one of many tiny dots. I shall have one framed appropriately and sent to my father, the King. [footsteps] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Becky, can you get any of Stark with a ball gag in his mouth? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ooo, ball gags.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, I’m sure we could commission something. Mer! Mer, come here! Ugh, it’s like she’s in a snakepit. Hold on, guys. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ball gags, really? This is why we can’t have nice things.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** My ball gags are _very_ nice. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [coughs]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint. Ah. How’s the party so far?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** God, Nat, some of us are trying to get laid tonight, don’t ruin it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You need to _try_? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ziiiiing. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:**

It’s good - lots of, you know, bullshitty talk about lighting but there’s a interactive piece in the back that I got to stab with arrows, so that was pretty excellent.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, you know how I feel about...God, I wish they weren’t allowed to display twenty-foot tall paintings of my face. Do you know how infuriating this is? Can someone get me a drink? A big drink?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Hey, Clint, those were some awesome macros. I upvoted them on all my accounts. [fireworks noises]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Bump it! I knew you’d back me up, D. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** No, no, sorry to drag you away, but...Merrie. Tony Stark. Steve Rogers. Doctor Bruce Banner, Thor--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Natalie Rushman. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Right, Natalie. And you know Clint already, and of course Darcy who has been our cheese-plate taster.... 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Oh. My. All of you. This is...such. Such an honor. Really. Thank you all so much for _being_ here. Mister Stark--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please, it was the least we could do, you went through the trouble of producing such an exquisite body… of work.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** [muttered] Oh my god is that a line for real? 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie::** Oh, I think the exquisite bodies are all standing right in front of me. I’m much more interested in your work, Mister Stark. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** So is he.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get that a lot. What, no drink in your hand? That’s practically criminal. Red or white?

 **UNKNOWN.Merrie:** I’ll have whatever you’re having. Do you think you can sommelier your way through the selection of box wine? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Darling, I’m a trained professional. Steve, would you like anything? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Um. See if they have--

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Duh! Of course I got you root beer.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. root beer? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Root beer?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Yeah, but the good stuff is hidden, Tony, go tell the girl with the pink hair that it’s for Steve Rogers and she’ll get our the Stewart’s.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….. ah, yeah. Sure. Shall we? 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Mmm...I’d be delighted. I’ll...I’d love to catch up with you all later, Thor...Doctor Banner...Captain Rogers...Becky tells me you have a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor; I’d love to hear more about that. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. Sure. Of course. Any...time? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh god, it’s pretty tasty. Thick and creamy, with these ridiculous chocolate stars… 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** I want Captain America ice cream. Oh god, I need to get Thor to make an ice cream. It can be mead-flavored. Except he’d probably want it to be waffles and bacon and Charleston Chew-flavored. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** (whispered) I’m going to hit him. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** (whispered back) I’m not going to stop you.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** God, he can be such a tool. That is possibly the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He, uh. Made it himself.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, whatever, he totally just made her century. So. _Steve._ Did what-I-think-just-happened just happen, or...

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** I KNOW I SAID THE SAME THING.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I, uh... 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Did it just get super awkward in here, or is it just me? 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, he was totally all funny-eyes and “exquisite taste” and can-I-get-you-a-drink and _oh, shit_ , I’m right, aren’t I?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah...public...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Oh, fuck! _Sorry_!

[laughter]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Steve, they’ve got some great watercolors on the back wall, I can’t figure out how they managed to get the wash so smooth. Want to share a few tips? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Waterco-- um. Sure. That...thing. Good.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Right, um-- you guys look at the art; I’m going to get you all bourbon balls. Shit. Haha. Okay. Clint, come help me out [muttered] so I can smack you for not telling me.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Well, balls do seem to be the theme of the - wait, why am _I_ getting smacked?! 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Because I know you think it’s hot, babe.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** I’m getting myself a beer and sobbing into it because I am the only single person at this party.

[booming voice]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Natalia! There is a gorgeous image of you, here! Perhaps we should purchase it! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The only way I want to see it is if I can deface it with a mustache. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Odin’s beard, we must do mine as well!

[LOCATION RECENTERED]

 **UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Hm. Cheers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And to you. [classes clinking] Hmm, Steve seems to have vanished. Guess I’m double-fisting root beer and white wine, very classy. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** [laughter] I’ve heard of worse. It goes with your hipster costume. Steve...is he…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah! I told them people would guess what I came as. Is he...? 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** You seem attached. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] He’s not great at parties. And I know he was a little nervous tonight, seeing Becky with Clint and all. Do you know Becky well? 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Oh, yes, that’s right, they used to-- she’s been selling my work for a while, now. Great girl, great gallery...and she just hired a friend of mine as her assistant...Becky’s a sweetheart. And really-- well, I’m sure you can tell, really interested in the whole...superhero thing. I have to say, a lot of people wouldn’t be interested in talking to an artist whose work...well...features them so prominently. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you know my reputation - quite a few people would suggest that I’m my own favorite topic. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** At the risk of sounding creepy, you’re one of my favorite topics, too. Nice sweater, by-the-by. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah, why thank you. I’m thinking of branching out into the obnoxious thematic sweater market - maybe cutting a deal with Target. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Oooh, high-tech sweaters for the mass market? You know, I have Iron Man sheets from Target. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What a coincidence - so do I. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** All the best people do. No, I’m joking; they’re my nephew’s. He’s eight. He’d...actually, I hate to be this person, but I don’t suppose I can trouble you for an autograph? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, yeah, of course. I get that all the time. Here… [scribbling] So how long have you been painting? 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Aw! And you drew a little Iron Man. He’ll love it. Thank you so much. Painting? Well, I grew up in a home. And art was really my outlet there, so I’ve been doing it as long as I can remember. But I really...this particular subject is a newer interest. After what you all did in the Battle of New York, it’s just so...so _important_. And your own story is fascinating...you’ve really reformed yourself.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** In some ways, absolutely. If you’re patient enough, even the oldest dog can learn a few new tricks. Just ask Steve Rogers.

 **UNKNOWN.Merrie::** Captain America? Hmm. He’s got more of a baby face than I expected. I don’t know if he qualifies as an old dog. What’s he been learning?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, some of that is classified of course. But he’s kicking Clint’s ass regularly at Mario Kart; _that’s_ a sight to behold. So you grew up in New York?

 **UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Oh, god, no-- tiny town no one’s ever heard of, you know. Boring, boring. Look, I’m sorry if this is rude, but I’ve never gotten to go one-on-one with one of my subjects before, unless you count Clint, and...well...his attention is usually pretty divided. _Obviously._ It’s pretty impossible to drag him away from Becky. [laughter] You know, at one point, Becky actually told me she wanted to try to set me up with you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did she, then? Well now, I can’t tell you too much about myself. An international man of mystery has to have _some_ secrets. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Look, I’m not-- that’s just _Becky_. She hadn’t even met you. She just came bouncing in one day and said _oh my god, Mer, I have the best idea!_ She likes to play matchmaker. Or otherwise get in all her friends’ business. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - ha, haha - well, it seems like we all have a friend like that. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Then she wanted to try to set Rachel up with-- Oh, you don’t care about that. So what can I ask you about? What’s the deal with that crazy old house on Long Island? I read somewhere you were getting it fixed up.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, it’s the old family home. I have half a mind to sell it, personally, but my old man’s will was fairly specific about the property, so the lawyers are sorting out what exactly can be done with it. You should see the shit we’ve unearthed in that place - the good stuff has all been transferred to the tower for safe-keeping, but my dad was a bit of a packrat and there’s more crap to wade through than you’d believe. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** Becky told me you have an amazing collection of old Captain America stuff? I mean, of course it’s the comics stuff that I’m interested in.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, that’s still laying in boxes somewhere at the mansion - it was going to be Steve’s Christmas present, but things have been pretty hectic this month. Didn’t get around to actually filing and sorting it. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** There’s enough to file and sort. Wow. You should-- talk to my friend Rachel. She’s working here right now, but she’s been pretty...hard-up for work, and she’s worked as an archivist, so… 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, yeah. I’ll have to get her card. 

**UNKNOWN.Merrie:** She’s the one who served our wine, with the pink hair. And Becky’s told me all kinds of crazy things about the Tower. I’d love to come see the it sometime; she says it’s incredible.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It is. I keep thinking we need to host some kind of Avengers charity-fundraising house party, if it becomes a reality I can personally guarantee--

[Rumble, followed by a crash, sound of electrical sparks, shouting]

 **UNKNOWN.Merrie:** AH!!!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, that doesn’t sound good. [jogging footsteps]

[LOCATION RECENTERED]

[running footsteps]

[screaming]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve?!_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** \--ies and Gentlemen, if you’ll all just move _away_ from the perimeter--

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** What the fuck, guy, who put you in char-- oh. Oh shit. Sorry. Captain. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What’s our status, cap? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [whispered] You have _got_ to keep a lower profile, Stark.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** JESUS, where the fuck did you come from - and what? What happe - wait, _what_? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re broadcasting your intent. Shh. Secure the perimeter, would you?

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** FUCK. There’s-- [coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You-- you’re Bec’s assistant, right? Do you have a fire extinguisher?!

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it-- [footsteps] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Captain, shall I call down a storm to flood the flames? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right! Over there, Thor, that’s the worst of it; I’ll get this here.

[booming thunder]

[rain]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** NO SHIT NO NO WATER DAMAGE NO.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** But he’s - okay, okay, quit deathglaring me -

[footsteps, shouting and talking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Becky, there’s nothing you can - 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** [coughing]  
I NEED TO SAVE MY FUCKING PAINTINGS.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** No, you need to save your _skin_. It’s hot as hell in there. 

**UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Here. Er. Captain?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thanks. If we can just get EVERYONE OUT OF THE BUILDING… 

[loud spraying sound.]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** SHIT SHIT SHIT don’t hurt the--

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** DON’T - they’re doing what they can. BECKY, LISTEN TO ME. You need to get outside and call the fire department. Let me see your - you’re burned. _We’re leaving._

**QUAN.Rebecca:** But I-- [sobs, footsteps]  


 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stark! Can you shut off the power to the building? Er. It’s…

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Rachel, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Does a bear shit in the woods? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Rachel. Show Stark where the power is? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seriously. Power I can _do_ \- let’s move, Rachel.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Back office. That way. Okay, everybody, door’s over there! 

[footsteps]

[Building power shuts down]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** The flames appear to be quenched, Captain, and I smell not the foul scent of smouldering flesh. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All right. Good. Everyone out?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Everyone but us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. Let’s move outside.

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ouch. Thor, did you rain all over Becky’s paintings? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Fire or flood, their fate was sealed. I shall greatly mourn the death of “pointillism”. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Don’t worry. There is _shitloads_ more pointillism at the Met.

[footsteps]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Okay. So. I’ll call the fire department back and tell them the fire’s out, and-- does anyone want to take this cheese home?  


 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You rescued the cheese.  


 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Of course I did. Do you know how long those trays too?  


 **QUAN.Rebecca:** [sobbing] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m sorry, babe - c’mere, you’re shaking. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** It’s just...all that...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** [deep breaths] Okay. Okay. I need to get back in there and do an inventory, and then-- 

**UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Oh, no you fucking don’t, Bec. Go home. Clint, take her home.  


**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Absofuckinglutely. They’ll keep, Becky. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’ll want to make sure there’s no structural damage before they let anyone back in, anyway. [footsteps] Steve - jesus, do you not have the sense to _step away from burning masterpieces_??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_. It’s fine. This is my job. The burns’ll go away in a few hours. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I have reclaimed seven paintings from the flames of devastation! Here, Man of Iron, hold these. I loathe to see such skillful renditions needlessly incinerated.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We can incinerate the skillful rendition of my nostrils, please. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have a serious issue with - [muffled sound] - okay, one, how the fuck did this fire start and two, why does this painting of me have googly glasses and devil horns drawn onto it?!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Can that one go up on the wall?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I abstain from comment.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It...came from the interactive display? I don’t know, it’s a computer-thing.

[sirens approaching]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God. The whole superhero-ing thing is pretty okay, but I fucking hate making statements to the police. Are we all staying?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It wouldn’t be right to leave, would it? We’re witnesses. [Sigh] Tony, I can handle the statements. Just tell them you were in the other room with-- with what’s-her-name. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… you know, I guess I can stay. A little backup never hurt anyone, right? I’ll just open another bottle of wine, you know, for the road….

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Sure, open all the wine you want. Ugh. The cleaning bills. Poor Merrie. I...Babe, you didn’t break anything with those arrows, did you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don’t think so - I mean I’m not an electrician, but like… I asked and everything before I stabbed it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Clint, you heart breaker.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hey gang, the police have arrived - we need to clear the building and make some statements. Oh - are we keeping all that cheese?

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Please take the cheese. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** Clint, I’m staying at the Tower tonight, there is just...no, no way...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ahem. I’ll head out and start with the police. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And I’m disappearing. Last thing I need is cops asking for my name. See you boys at home.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You wanna take the Audi, Nat?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hah. Do I ever. Keys, Stark. 

[keys jangle]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Go, you crazy Russian, go. 

{END TRANSMISSION}

{TRANSMITTING}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Über Arts Gallery is fictional, but located at the real-life location of [Koenig and Clinton](http://koenigandclinton.com) Gallery. You can visit there!
> 
> [Target](http://www.target.com/store-locator/store-details/storeNumber=1849) is at Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn.


	210. The Long Game

[LVL 41 / SUITE 4101 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:BARTON.Clinton.F.,QUAN.Rebecca]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 

Hey, Becca, hey, shhh. It’s okay. You - can I get you anything?

[rustling]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [sniffling, gulping] 

Um...um…

[sniffling]

Tea? Hot tea? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Of course. Uh, the greeny kind or the, uh, not green kind? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** Heh. [sniffle] 

Whatever you’ve got. No caffeine. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Alrighty, here. You get a shock blanket - like Sherlock! I’ll be right back. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** But I didn't catch a serial killer. 

[sniff] 

You’re the best Watson. 

[sniffle] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [clinking, clacking]

[hot water bubbling]

Steve’ll be up in the penthouse, Nat’s… I’ll just snag some of her tea, she won’t mind. You want, uh, crackers or…. something? Oh! There’s chocolate. I’d say we need chocolate.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Yes, chocolate. All the chocolate. And water. And. Ugh. The problem with being shocked sober is it doesn’t help your stomach. Toast? Can I get toast? Or no. Crackers are fine. Like, super plain ones. Ugh. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [clanking]

[scraping]

Here. Uh, do you put sugar in your tea? This stuff is Nat’s favorite, she takes hers with no sugar and a little milk.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [crunching]

No sugar, no milk...just. Hot. Plain. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Here. 

[couch creaking]

I’m...sorry about tonight. What a scene.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** You didn’t do it. I just… 

[sips] 

Mmm. Hot. 

[sips]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know. I get that all the time.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Oh, yeah, the service isn’t too shabby either. Up a little? Neck, please? Thanks. Yeah. That’s nice. I just...I don’t...I don’t know how to _process_ , even. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. It’s a lot to take in.

You were great, though. Totally calm, helping people get out, never lost your head.... You really work well under pressure, you know that?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Hardly. I totally freaked out. I fucked my hand up. Rachel's the one who did everything.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That was a normal response, though. How’s it feeling? We have more burn salve… better to keep it uncovered and moist. The gauze’ll stick if you try to…

Mmm. It looks like it hurts.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [hiss] Ow. Ow ow ow. Okay. Ow. 

[sips]

Yeah, it’s...ugh, this is going to scar, isn’t it? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Keep it covered in antibiotic ointment, open until it starts pinking up and then you can loosely cover when you’re touching shit in public, vitamin E the crap out of it for a few weeks… but you know, scar are kind of cool. You’ll look totally mysterious and stuff.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Ha, yeah, with a fucking _thumb_ scar, it’s super visible to anyone staring at my thumbs. BEWARE THE SCARRED WOMAN, no one will even notice. It’ll totally match my boob, ha. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I like your boob scar. It’s your Red Badge of Courage. Well, okay. Pinkish White Badge Of Courage.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Fucking Amazon Warrior badge of courage. 

[smooch]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Mmm. I’m serious though - you beat mother fucking cancer, what’s a little fire? The art wasn’t that great, anyway.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** _Hey_. I curated that show. I...Clint, I don’t know what’s gonna happen. The building’s a fucking wreck; that was millions of dollars in art. I mean, we’re insured, but...that happened on my watch. Mine. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That doesn’t mean that it was your fault, or that you could have done anything to change the outcome.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** What if I fucked something up with the installation? All that lighting...ugh. Fuck. What if I overdid the circuits? I…

[sips]

And I’m still the one who has to deal with the consequences. I could lose my job. My fucking-- do you know how hard it is, to get where I am before thirty? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don’t. I’ve never had a very, uh, standard career trajectory.

…

It could have been anything, Rebecca. It could have been someone smoking out back, or someone spilling their drink onto a socket.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Or Tony Stark’s pants.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** They were definitely flaming.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [snort]

[sip] 

My god, what the fuck. I mean, you usually assume people aren’t as ridiculous as the media makes them out to be. He is actually, _actually_ ridiculous. But, like. In an awesome way. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sometimes. Mostly he’s just a ridiculous, ridiculous dick. 

I mean, we work well together. We don’t live together so well, mostly. He throws shitfits if you nick a single wonton.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Wonton theft is serious business, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, yeah. That’s me, hardened criminal.

Do you really think they’d hold you accountable for something like this?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** I don’t _even_ know. I mean, I guess it all depends what caused it. If it was something I could help, I mean, yeah, sheesh, I just lost us millions of dollars, joy. 

[gulp]

I’ve just...I mean, I know you get giving shit up. I’ve given up _so much shit_ for this. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know you have. You had to.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** And it sucks, because, because…you know. If I tell my parents, the first thing out of my dad’s mouth is going to be, good, now you can get a real job, and my mom’s going to be, all, good, now you can find a husband. Fuck. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I have a hard time believing you would let that happen. Crawl back with your tail between your legs? That’s not you. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** Of course not, but I’m still going to have to fucking listen to their bullshit. Sorry. It kind of sucks to be bitching about my perfectly normal family to somebody who doesn’t have one. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I have a family. They’re not very normal, but hey. Maybe that’s the new standard, or whatever.

….

I am sorry about the gallery. I’m not too worried about you, though.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [sniffle] Yeah. I...I don’t know. I’m gonna...I have some money saved, but...it’s gonna be a while till I can work. And poor Rachel, she’s _hourly_. She just started. She’s so cute and little. I mean. Big. But little. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She’s a nice girl. There are other galleries -- other collections. I bet Steve would let you arrange a showing of his work as a stopgap. I’d offer you my MLP fanart, but no one cares about that shit. 

And tumblr has seen it all, anyway…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** DRAW ME AVENGER PONIES. 

[laugh] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh boy. I get to be pretty and purple - I’m gonna be a unicorn. A dudicorn! With a crossbow for a horn. Or, you know, at least an arrow.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Target cutie mark? 

[laugh] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey! Hands off the goods, missy.

[smooching] 

Watch it, if you like my cutie mark so much I might start rocking the tight pants ala Mr. Tony Stark.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Dealbreaker, babe. I like your pants the way they are. On or off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [inaudible]

I’m … I feel bad I didn’t tell you about Steve and Stark. It’s just such a flaming clusterfuck that I felt like… I didn’t really want it to be our problem, you know?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Dude, it’s fine. I mean, Steve should’ve told-- I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me; it would have made things _way_ less awkward. Is it really a clusterfuck? They seemed pretty happy. You know, from what I could tell what with the _super-closeted thing_. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’s what I mean, it’s the super-closeted thing that makes it weird. They’re always dancing around each other, and Stark has all this weird tension with Pepper. Plus there’s the whole daddy-issues thing and the age difference thing and the wearings-women’s-clothes thing, which I admit is new…

Okay, okay. They work in a weird way. But I’m tired of watching them handle their issues like teenagers.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Well, Steve kind of handles all his issues like a teenager. I don’t...I don’t think he’s ever gotten a chance to grow up, really? Is that too mean to say? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Maybe. Doesn’t mean it’s not true. I like Steve. He’s a solid sort of dude, he’s just… he alternates between being wise beyond his years and arrested development to the max. 

At least he’s got a reason. Tony Stark is this wealthy, handsome, perfect dude - he can be so freaking generous, and then turns around and throws _temper tantrums_ when he doesn’t get his way.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [snort] I mean, at least Steve can’t be oblivious to temper tantrums? Kind of makes it easier to read somebody. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. I think Steve’d benefit from a temper tantrum or two, though. He does that thing where he hates complaining so he just trucks along being silently miserable. I don’t think he realizes that… well.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** That it’s okay to have feelings? Or tell people what you want? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Or that people feel down because it’s a normal human reaction to difficult circumstances, not some kind of weird emasculating weakness.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** The Captain America schtick again. God forbid anybody be less than perfectly masculine. _Dude_. Remember when we watched _300_ and he was, like, not getting any of our homoerotic jokes? I just thought he was...you know. Actually not getting them. 

Not staring at all those abs. How can you not stare at all those abs? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Don’t ask me. They’re tasty. I’d _lick_ almost anything off those abs.

I mean…. he’s comfy in that closet. He gets to decide when or if he comes out. It’s just ...hard to get used to looking at it like that. 

I feel sorry for him. And not just because he’s dating Tony Fucking Stark.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Oh, come on, it can’t be so bad dating the world’s sexiest billionaire. Tantrums, whatever, he seemed like a good guy. He helped out at the gallery, got his fucking sweater dirty. Didn’t complain. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No. He’s good in the field, I’ll give him that. Even when he doesn’t follow orders he’s irritatingly good in the field.

He’s not terrible. We just… you know, after New York and everything we each had our own shit to deal with, we never really…

[silence]

[sipping]

Ew. Your tea is getting cold.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** There’s only one thing to do for that.

[glug]

[glug]

Ahhh…

There. 

Yeah, he was in California and the news thought he was dead and shit, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** We all thought he was dead. It was a … weird situation. We had Christmas gifts under the tree and everything, from someone we all thought was…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [smooch] 

I’m sorry. Ugh. That’s a shitty Christmas. And this-- well. At least the actual-actual Christmas was good. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It wasn’t my worst Christmas. 

This one may have been my best. Does that sound dumb? Sorry if that sounds dumb.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Wait, no, really? Really? No, that’s not dumb, that’s…

Yeah. Uh. Might have been my best, at least since I was sixteen and my parents got me my first video camera. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah? Did you go and make a bunch of angsty teenage art film?

[smooches]

I mean. Uh. Brilliant cinematic masterpieces. That’s definitely what I meant.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Oh, no, you were right the first time. Shitty shitty art films. So angsty. Such death. Much sorrow. Wow.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Running mascara?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Fake wrist-slitting. Oh, god, woe is me, life as an upper-middle-class teenager so difficult. 

[silence]

Really? Best? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ah… yeah. Thanks.

I mean. I know it was kind of an accident that I got invited, but I really…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [inaudible] 

It was stupid. I picked the wrong guy. It should’ve been you from the start. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah?

[rustling]

I, uh. Thought so too.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Mmm. Well, you should’ve said something sooner. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Wasn’t… really an option. I wanted both of you to be happy. I guess I, uh, still get my wish. But now I get laid, too, sooooo…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Ha. You’re just in it for the sex, right? The sex and the awkward family dinners? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I consider the sex and awkward family dinners a bonus.

I… I’m really…

Bad at this sort of thing.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Not true. You fucking kick ass at this sort of thing. You made tea and let me be Sherlock and shit. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Did you just call my offer of hand-drawn My Little Pony Friendship is Magic watercolors shit?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** [inaudible] 

Nah, I was referring to the charming candor about my ex’s crazy new boyfriend. Your MLP art is fucking to be treasured for the ages.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’ll give YOU something to treasure.

[smooches]

I...meant. I’m super into you, Becks, I don’t know if I can be a decent boyfriend - it’s been a while since I’ve tried, honestly - but… I’ll try. If that’s, you know, what you’ve got in mind. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** I kind of have to, like, otherwise it’ll really disappoint Katie’s kids if you don’t come with me next time.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That … would be really unfortunate. Someone needs to kick their asses at Candy Land, or they’ll get all smug and shit. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** Excuse me? You lost, like, six games in a row. They fucking wiped the floor with you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I was going easy on ‘em -- It’s a strategy, okay? I’m playing the long game. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** Yeah? Do you want to play the long game, then? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** All the way past go, collect two hundred dollars? 

I’m in.

Provided, of course, that the long game starts with another shot at your adorable Christmas panties.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** I’m wearing Hanukkah panties. Had to mix it up. 

[inaudible] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Does that mean I get eight crazy nights?

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Are you offering? 

[inaudible]

I’m in, too. So in. Ridiculously in. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah? Oh yeah.

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Yeah. I mean. _Katie_ liked you. That never happens. I’ve still got reservations about the whole Avengers thing, right? And I’m not-- you know. I don’t exactly have the best track record of girlfriending, either. But I want to try, too. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’s all I want. A shot.

I never miss?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Dork. 

[smooch]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sorry, sorry. I’ll tell you this - and, you know, not to be a pessimist or anything - but I’m pretty good at staying friends with people after...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** I know. You and Nat have a pretty sweet setup, it seems like. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. It’s great. She’s… very important to me, the only real family I have. But I don’t like giving up on people just because one thing or another doesn’t work. So we do this, we do our best, we see what happens, and if it gets… to be not what we want, we redefine and move forward. Deal?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Shake on it? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Of course.

[shaking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Nose bite on it?

Mrow! Oh. Ooops. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** OW! Hey, I need that! It gives my face its beaky, hawk-like style!

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** You can bite back if it makes it any better. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh hell _yes_ I’ll bite you back. Are you still in shock? ‘cause I need this blanket.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.:** Oh yeah? 

[snarl] 

You’re gonna have to take it from me, Watson. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** This I can _do_.

[shrieking]

[laughter]

[inaudible] 

[rustling] 

[inaudible]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …”I like you a latke?” 

**QUAN.Rebecca.:** Heck yes.

[inaudible]

{{TRANSMITTING…….}}


	211. Myself not excluded.

S - 

Sorry about our gallery night getting derailed - that wasn't how I'd hoped the evening would go at all. Kind of a drag about all those paintings - there were a few good ones in there and a couple that I just could NOT figure out. Cubism is weird as shit. 

You looked good enough to eat, by the way. I'm a little depressed that you still haven't seen Star Wars and yet know how to ironically dress yourself as a fake-Christmas-hipster. That probably reflects pretty badly on the company you're keeping, myself not excluded.

Becky... okay, Steve, she was actually pretty okay. I'm not sure she's worthy of having been Tony Stark's former romantic competition, but she mostly kept her shit together when everything went down and I appreciated that. Also, the cheese plates were excellent.

Is it weird that she's dating Clint? It feels weird to me. I know it's none of my business but if there's anything I can do to help make that a little easier for you, let me know.

Anyway, I'll be upstairs whenever you want to come up, just let yourself in. I stole half a cheese plate and am fully prepared to feed it to you piece by piece in a very sexy scientific test of your super soldier metabolism. Bring some of that tasty Steve Rogers flavored ice cream while you're at it...

 

T


	212. Must Be Removed

T--

I think I must not have shut the freezer all the way, because the ice cream's all melted. I need to call Ben & Jerry's for more. 

Don't worry about Clint and Becky. It was a little strange, you know, especially how fast that all happened, but I'm perfectly happy with how things are. She's a great girl, like I told you. Just, well, not interested in being anyone's romantic competition. I just feel bad for her-- I hope the damage wasn't too costly. I hope she can get the gallery open again quickly. She's got the art insured, I know, but without anything to sell...

You, on the other hand, looked ridiculous. The glasses are a nice touch (See? I keep reminding you that you're supposed to wear them at the computer. Practicality goes in the turn-on column.), but I insist on doing something about those pants. They are an abomination and must be removed. 

I'm on my way up to address that situation.

\--S


	213. World’s Most Awkward Clarification

from: POTTS V. Pepper ([vpotts@starkindustries.com)](%20))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org)](%20)) 

subject: World’s Most Awkward Clarification 

Steve,

I’m not particularly thrilled to be writing this e-mail, but given that you contacted me less than a week after our last conversation I want to reiterate what I need from you if you were serious about maintaining a cordial relationship with me while dating my ex.

You can be very headstrong when you believe something is the right thing to do, so I want to be clear. When I asked you to give me space I was being perfectly serious. I understand that you invited me to Christmas because you felt it was the correct thing to do. I attended because it’s Christmas and at Christmas you spend time with the people you care about - for me, that’s Tony. 

Please understand how difficult and awkward it was for me to attend dinner and watch Tony play house with his new family/boyfriend/dog. I need you to respect my request for space and stop e-mailing me, even with well-intentioned invitations. 

Thanks,  
Pepper


	214. The Bounds of Your Request

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org)](%20)  
to: POTTS V. Pepper ([vpotts@starkindustries.com)](%20)

subject: RE: World’s Most Awkward Clarification 

Dear Pepper,

I wasn't sure whether I should answer this or not, as you specifically requested that I not email you again, but it also seemed rude to let it go without an acknowledgment. I'll try to keep it brief.

~~I feel like I should expain~~ I understand that there is no call for me to excuse my poor judgment. At the same time, I knew Tony would want to see you, and I suspected he would not invite you himself. Nevertheless, it doesn't justify my behavior. 

I am very deeply sorry for misunderstanding the bounds of your request and you have my assurance that I will not contact you again unless it is absolutely necessary in my role as Captain America. I will ask Natasha to serve as chief liaison to Stark Industries. If you need to contact the Avengers and would prefer to work through her for the time being, please do so. Please let me know if and when you feel it is appropriate to revise this request. 

Sincerely,

Steve


	215. The Bare Minimum

Tony, 

I got an email from Pepper. She told me she doesn't want me emailing her again.

She said that I shouldn't have invited her to Christmas dinner, because it was disrespecting her wishes to give her space, and that if I want to be friends, I won't speak to her, which--

How am I supposed to maintain a friendship if I don't speak to her?

I replied to her. I wasn't sure if I should, but it seemed like I should at least acknowledge that I got it. I just tried to keep it to the bare minimum.

She said some things about is playing house, and your new family. She said she only came because you're still important to her, and she wanted to see you.

I don't want to be in the middle of whatever you need to do to make things right with her. I want to be able to help you, but it seems like I'm only making things worse. That wasn't my intention. I just knew she might be alone for Christmas, and that you'd be sorry if you didn't see her. 

Maybe I don't understand all the intricacies of this, but frankly, it sounds to me as if she has no interest in maintaining a friendship. I'm the one she called when you were wrecked in Japan. I'm the one who got on that damn airplane and flew out there. Me. And I understand why she couldn't, and she shouldn't have had to, but I've never done anything but treat her kindly. For god's sake, she said she might want you back, I was all set to step aside. Does she have the slightest idea how difficult it is to make a decision like that?

I know she's hurt, butI have nothing to do with your falling out. I don't like feeling as if I'm being cast as the enemy, here. I don't like being a convenient scapegoat. If Christmas had been a month later, I would have contacted her a month later. It's not my fault Christmas was so soon on the heels of...well, everything. I can't move Christmas. And I know you're important to her; I thought it was important for her to know that I understood how important you are to each other.

I don't need you to do anything about this. I just need you to know that it happened. I'll see you tonight.

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be noticing that there's been a bit of downtime on the Ao3 recently. 
> 
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> 
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> Since the Ao3 has been so great to us, super responsive when we've submitted bug reports, totally free, without ads, and hosting the space that we get to use to write our doofy, doofy letters and read all your amazing comments, we'd just like to ask you, if you have either money or time available, to please consider [giving to the Ao3](http://archiveofourown.org/donate). Your donations of either money or volunteer time are what make this fic and lots like it possible. 
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	216. I've Never Liked Problems I Can't Solve

**[LVL 2: STARK APARTMENTS SOHO / AREA MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:POTTS.Virginia.P.,STARK.Anthony.E,]**

**{{TRANSMITTING}}**

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** ...need to change the flight plan to add a stopover in Chicago, and--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** PEPPER. Pepper, please open the door. Let me in - Pepper? JARVIS, tell Pepper to let me in.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Miss Potts has requested not to be disturbed, sir….

[banging on door]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** J.A.R.V.I.S., can you please remind Mr. Stark that I have a five forty-five flight tomorrow morning so that I can go deal with his unresolved battery issue? 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, Miss Potts references the new Starkpad’s less than optimal battery life and would like to remind you that she has an early flight tomorrow morning.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The fucking battery life is fine, she probably has it set up wrong, she’s so - PEPPER! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME. I could hack this fucking door open, but that would just - I’M NOT LEAVING UNTIL WE TALK, EVEN IF IT MEANS FOLLOWING YOU TO THE AIRPORT.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Miss Potts, sir has reminded you that you most likely have the Starkpad’s OS set up incorrectly.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** J.A.R.V.I.S., please point out to Mr. Stark that he set up the OS on that particular device for me and--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** PEPPER. PLEASE. Please. JARVIS, tell her I said please. Like ten times.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, she can hear you perfectly well, carrying on like that.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Twice isn’t ten times, Tony. J.A.R.V.I.S., can you please supply the dictionary definition of hyperbole for Mr. Stark?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** _Hyperbole._ Noun. Rhetoric. obvious and intentional exaggera--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know why I’m here. You know why we need to talk. Also, I’m canceling your flight if you don’t open this door up. 

For christ’s sake… [beeping]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Cancel my flight, and I’ll tell the Board you’re cancelling the new StarkPad in favor of building doghouses. 

[door opens]

Please tell me you’re not here for the reason I think you’re here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pepper. This isn’t okay. Nothing is - okay, with us, and we need to figure our shit out.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Really? Really, and you realized this when I’m leaving in...eight hours? J.A.R.V.I.S., how long have I been in town? 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Eleven days, miss.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve told me you emailed him.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Steve. _Steve_. Not me, not you, not Christmas… _Steve_ says something, and now you need to talk?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes. Because until Steve told me what you’d said to him - I didn’t realize how unhappy you were. 

Can I come in?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:**

[sigh]

It’s your apartment, Tony. And you’re already in. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I told you I’d never force my way into your space.

[silence]

Thanks. You, uh. Want a drink?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:**

[footsteps, ice clinking in glass]

I’ve already got one. Help yourself; you know where the bar is.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps, pouring]

I’m… Pepper. Are you okay?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Am I okay?

[footsteps, creaking]

Am I okay? No, no, Tony, I’m _not_ okay. Nothing about this is okay. You didn’t realize-- are you okay? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, of course not! Would I be here if we were fine? 

I mean. I guess I might be. Pepper… is, are we talking about Christmas? Or the - uh, the breakup, or… Steve...

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I do _not_ want to talk about your gorgeous twenty-six-year-old boyfriend, Tony. But they’re...don’t you understand that they’re all the same _thing_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - yeah. It’s pretty freaking clear at the moment. Pep - Pep, I love you. You know I lo--

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _Tony_. You do not get to say that right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why the fuck not? I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you…. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** TONY.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. I hurt you every fucking day of the week, I get that with the clarity of hindsight and shit, but I wouldn’t _mean_ to do anything that would hurt you -

Okay. Okay, I’m .... The l-word hurts, okay. 

[ice clinking]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [sniffling] You gave me fucking pearls.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … yeah, I gave you … pearls?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You don’t… you don’t get to leave me and give me pearls. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Leave_ you? Pepper, you wrote a fucking press release! _You_ left _me_!

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You left a long time before I wrote that press release, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because you ended it. There was nothing for me there, without you.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Oh, for fuck’s _sake_ , Tony, you packed up and went to New York to live in some kind of superhero frat house back in _May_ while I was trying to pick up the pieces at home and terrified that whatever you did wouldn’t take and one day I would wake up burning hot again, and you just…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** SHIELD - SHIELD needed me there. SI needed me there. I thought you wanted me there.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** That’s exactly what I wanted, Tony; I wanted you moving in with the people who didn’t bother to lift a finger when everyone thought you were dead.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You told me you didn’t want the suits in the house. You told me - you stopped sleeping in the master bedroom, you - 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You told me there weren’t going to _be_ any more suits. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I said I’d stop building them. I meant I’d… come out of that cycle.

I could never give up being Iron Man.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Yes, you made that _eminently_ clear back in October. But that was your choice to make. Yours. Take some responsibility. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You gave me an ultimatum._

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I think _stop putting the people you love in danger_ is a fair ultimatum. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still an ultimatum.

Look - I’m sorry. Things were shit for a lot of our time together, and I know 95% of that was on me. I get it. But you knew who I was when we started dating - even before Iron Man, there were kidnappings and death threats and bombs in my private jet. You _knew_ that.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m sorry, Tony. I’m sorry I didn’t accurately predict how I would feel about getting kidnapped and tortured for being your girlfriend. I obviously should have known better. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t… don’t be so…

If I had thought, even for a moment, that you might be in that position I never would have pursued you. Aldritch’s vendetta had nothing to do with Iron Man and everything to do with me being a dickbag. We would have been there with or without armor. 

At least I could try to protect you.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** So I was supposed to know better, but you weren’t supposed to be able to guess?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, you knew that was a risk and decided it was worth it - when I had the armor, I thought I could handle whatever came at us.

I couldn’t.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Can you say that again? Can I maybe get that printed, and framed, that there’s something you admit you can’t do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Well, JARVIS is undoubtedly recording this. Set it as your ringtone, maybe, so the whole world will know.

There’s a lot I can’t do, Pep. I can’t make you happy, and I can’t make this right.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I know. I just thought...well. I didn’t think you’d move on quite so quickly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It… yeah. All that happened so...

You must think I’m such a fuckwit.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** What happened, I finally managed to get you that last nineteen-forty-three hundred-and-thirty-two page variant Captain America-Human Torch reprint issue and you had to go and find another way to expand your collection? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Fuck._

He. Came on to me. I know it sounds fucking ridiculous, but I never meant for it to happen, and then it did and I just - I was lonely, and miserable, and he’s so fucking perfect. 

I didn’t think.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** He’s a _child_ , Tony. And you-- you gave him a dog. For Christmas. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a therapy dog. It senses symptoms associated with PTSD and provides comfort.

I started the paperwork in September, but it took ages to go through. It wasn’t supposed to be what it looks like it is.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [silence]

How is it that you figured out how to do something like that for him after a few months when you couldn’t ever do it for me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know, Pepper. He’s like me. I - I was having those… panic attacks. After New York. And it was the worst fucking thing, it was awful.

But I had you and Rhodey and DUM-E around, and Steve was just, you know, alone, being his miserable 1940’s self and it just seemed like a thing he needed.

I don’t know. We’re very alike, in some ways. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** But when it was me, after the house, and Killian, and...you retreated. I don’t-- I’m not trying to accuse you of anything. But I don’t understand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was responsible for your experience. It was my fucking fault, okay? Being near you wasn’t. Easy.

[silence]

I didn’t think that was what you wanted.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I didn’t want a dog. I wanted you. I wanted you to be there; I needed you, and you just...you were anywhere else. Of course it wasn’t easy. It was worse without you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You were always pissed at me. You were always - 

[silence]

You never told me that was what you wanted.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** How many times did I ask you to come home?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A lot.

I guess I didn’t want to. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Then don’t say I didn’t tell you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought you needed me for SI. I thought you were trying to keep me away from the Avengers Initiative. 

I’ve never liked problems I can’t solve.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I have very bad news for you, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Someday your scandalously-younger boy toy is going to have a problem you can’t solve, you know.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t talk about him like that. [footsteps]

[ice clinking, liquor pouring]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Pour me another while you’re up. How do you want me to talk about him? You don’t seriously think you’re in love with him, do you?

[ice clinking, liquor pouring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s a good man.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Tony, the day that the quality of someone’s moral fiber prevents you from making shit decisions--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve is a good man_ and deserves to be treated as such in your correspondence. You shouldn’t be taking your anger at me out on him or making him feel demeaned when you’re -

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m sorry, Tony, but at the moment, I’m a little more concerned with how it makes _me_ feel when he treats me like we’re all supposed to be the best of friends and I shouldn't feel like shit getting cheery little invitations to _family dinner_ to remind me that I'm not part of your family anymore, so I have the choice between sitting at home feeling miserable by myself and walking into your home and seeing you with your tongue down his throat. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You have to know that’s not at all what he meant to do with that invitation, Pepper. He’s an orphan, for fuck’s sake, he didn’t want you to be alone at Christmas because he’s got the heart of Tiny motherfucking Tim, okay? You didn’t rsvp. I didn’t know you’d be there or I would never - _ever_ have made you see that.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I-- Tony, you knew I was alone in New York at Christmas. I waited until the last minute, hoping you’d manage to invite me yourself instead of leaving it to your _boyfriend_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He told me you told him you had other plans. I’m not a fucking mind reader, Pepper. 

Of course I wanted you at Christmas.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Then I should have heard it from you. I don’t read minds either, and unlike present company, I do read emails and text messages. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - you told him you weren’t available, and I believed it, and this is somehow my fault. You dumped me - why the fuck would I think you wanted to see me on Christmas?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [silence]

BecauseI don't _have_ anyone else, and you remember last Christmas.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry for how this happened, Pepper. If I’d realized you came to New York to see me I would have handled this very differently. You told me you were here for work, you told Steve you had somewhere else to be.

I’m sorry.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I meant to surprise you, and then...it didn’t seem to matter. 

[strained laughter]

I told your boyfriend I might steal you back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus, Pepper. Can you please call him Steve? He’s an actual person, a person who likes you and has been fucking ridiculously kind to you considering what a shitty thing that is to say to someone.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You know what’s shitty, Tony? Not having an opportunity to resolve the _mountain_ of issues you have to sort through with the person you thought was the love of your life because he's too busy after he's gone and decided to replace you more or less instantly with a _perfect human_. 

[sigh]

And I know that’s not his fault, but I don’t think anything I said was worse than resolving your loneliness by sleeping with some young, naive kid who obviously worships you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re mad at me, just be fucking mad at me. Steve deserves better than that from you and I think you know it.

There are so many fucking thing wrong with that - I didn’t replace you, or want to replace you. He’s not a perfect human, he’s just a guy like anyone else with flaws and strengths and he happens to be really fucking good to me. 

I have no fucking idea what he sees in me. Maybe the same thing you did. Who the fuck knows, right?

[ice clinking]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m not mad at him, Tony. But I can’t deal with him right now, either, and it’s not fair of you to ask me to. I-- you’re right that you’re alike; he’s as shitty at boundaries as you are. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you’re being pretty hateful for someone who isn’t mad.

I’m not asking you to deal with him. He’s clear, he assigned Nat as the SI liaison. You won’t hear from him again.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I am mad. At you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine. Good. 

[silence]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** And I miss you. All the time. You’re-- my life revolved around you for so long, it’s like-- I should be happy about this, right? That I don’t have to do that anymore?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No more sexual harassment lawsuits. No more custom rabbits. It’s...not really such a bad deal.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I don’t even know if you’re going to understand this, but...I don’t have anything else. You got to walk away and move in with your ready-made family. I got to drown myself in work. Which is still all about you. I see you everywhere, every day. I don't have any way to get away from you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s … not really a family. It’s pretty fucking dysfunctional. I’m pretty sure only two of them don’t hate me.

But I - didn’t really think about it that way. 

You could… you could make room for something else. You could take a vacation. You could take a - uh, sabbatical. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’ve been thinking about it. I just don’t know who would run things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I…. could?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You...?

p> **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please don’t laugh. I’ll hire another PA or five. I could manage it for a few months, probably.

Or we could hire someone in, maybe what’s her face who left Apple a couple of months back…

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** God, no, I’m not going back on my policy of promoting internally. And unfortunately, the last person I hired who seemed to maybe have potential once I warmed up to her turned out to be a trained master killer. Are you-- is that something you’d want to do? On top of the Avengers?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not exactly chomping at the bit to get back in that game, but - If that’s what you need, I can handle it.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Well, I’m sure you can handle at least twelve percent of it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you’re thinking like, six more PAs?

I’m being serious, you know. Though we might keep it on the DL when it comes to the media. I don’t… you know, want them to think you’re leaving permanently.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Well, I had a thought about that. I seem to remember you promising me a building with my name on it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That can still happen; I might want to up the arc reactor security, though. 

Wow. Leave SI? I didn’t think I could miss you more than I already do, but that might do it.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Leaving now would kill our stock. No. Sabbatical. I know it’s not what you had in mind, but can my building be a donation to Wharton?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, the school? 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** They’ve been trying to offer me a visiting lecturer position for _ages_. The timing was never right. Obviously. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’d be a fantastic teacher; you totally rock the sexy librarian look. That sounds pretty… good, actually. Consider it done. Maybe open the design competition to architectural students?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** That’s actually not a half-bad idea. I can send you a plan as soon as I’m back in California?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course. I’m serious about the name, though.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** So am I. Good, we’re agreeing on something. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s kind of frightening. 

You - Pepper, you do realize that despite … everything, we’re stuck, right? We’re going to be old and moldy in some nursing home at ninety and you’re still going to be bitching at me for -

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Dating twenty-three-year-olds? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \- I was _going_ to say pouring you 12% smaller cocktails, but he’s totally twenty seven and that rounds up to thirty and it’s _not that young,_ jesus christ.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Well, ‘dating Captain America’ seemed awfully specific. 

[silence]

I know it, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Just so long as you know. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I just need some time to get used to...well. Whatever this is now. And I need you to understand that if you’re off-- I don’t know. Moving across the country, buying dogs for people, having a life that doesn’t include me...I’m going to need the space to do the same. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Of course. I mean I’ll probably pay Natasha to stalk anyone you date, but that’s probably for the best.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You don’t need to worry; I doubt I’m going to be dating anyone for a while. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Would you believe I said that too?

um. Can we …?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Of course you can hug me. Good, you learned something in workplace sensitivity training. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nah, I learned this at the P. Potts School of Business. Your first student - best and brightest, right?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Do I need J.A.R.V.I.S. to repeat that definition of ‘hyperbole’ again? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For the _millionth_ time?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Ha. Come here. Just...don’t be surprised if I fall asleep on you. Early flight. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [couch cushions shifting] Mmm. Go right ahead. I won’t let you miss it.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** What was it you always said? It's my plane. It’ll wait for me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did I say that? What a dick line. I can’t believe you’re letting me run your company.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Letting you? It’s strictly revenge for dating someone younger and hotter. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Younger, yes. Hotter? Dream on.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m going to take that one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thank you, Miss Potts. That will be all.

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING…}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The variant cover of this issue](http://marvel.wikia.com/Captain_America_Comics_Vol_1_22) is one of the rarest comics in the world, with an estimated price of about a quarter of a million dollars. That's the comic Pepper mentions buying for Tony.
> 
> [The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania](http://www.wharton.upenn.edu) is where Pepper has been asked to teach.


	217. On a Scale From One to Nick Fury

[LVL 41 / SUITE 1776 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: ROMANOVA.Natalia]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...still up here. I’ll keep you posted. 

[door opening, shutting]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, hey! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right. I’m out. [phone beep] Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whoops, sorry - can’t believe you’re still up. Is Steve?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He went down to get ice cream. _More_ ice cream. His freezer’s busted.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** His wh-- J.A.R.V.I.S.!

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Yes, sir?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why is Steve’s fridge busted.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Presumably for the same reason your refrigerator door is dented. Captain Rogers can on occasion be very rough with his things.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s not… jesus, has he already downed three pints? I need to find a way to superengineer his fucking metabolism, he eats ice cream like I slam whiskey. J, fix the fridge! Work order, stat!

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Of course, sir.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How’s Pepper? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus, it’s creepy when you pull that shit, Nat. And you’re - you’re giving me your Angry Eyes. Why am I getting angry eyes?

Wait, how did you know --?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I surgically installed a GPS tracker in your left ear while you slept, and also Steve told me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve….

…

Fuck.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s why he went to get more ice cream. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How the fuck - I. That’s exactly why I didn’t want him to know.

[footsteps]

[bottles clinking]

ugh. Clint drinks shit beer.

…

On a scale from one to Nick Fury...…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s not angry. I’m angry. Mostly because I occasionally like to sleep, contrary to popular belief. You...do have the minute social abilities necessary to understand what this might look like, yes? 

[bottle opening]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That I … ran off to talk to Pep the minute he told me not to. I know. But that’s really not what we were dealing with, I mean it was part of it, but she was all “it’s all the same thing” and I was like, no, you’re treating Steve like shit, and then we drank a - well, frankly, a lot, christ, and she’s flying out so I thought I’d just stay until her car arrived and I would have texted but I didn’t want to wake Steve up, so…. what? Still with the eyes, Nat. Can you like, turn those down or something? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You went to see your ex-girlfriend on her last night in town. You didn’t tell your current-- _person_ \-- you were going. You didn’t let him know you were going to be late. You…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just…

…

Steve wouldn’t think - what you’re thinking. He knows I have no interest in getting back with Pepper, Nat! And I didn’t know he knew, because I didn’t want him to --

He … shit. He thinks ....

[door opening, shutting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s only black raspberry and mint chi--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve._

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I...am going to surreptitiously depart. 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...right. Good night, Natasha.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Call if you need me. [smooching sound]

Good night, Stark.

[door opening, shutting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, I am so - so, sorry, can I, uh, help you with your ice cream?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t-- 

[clunking sounds]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, don’t just leave that -- you should probably, you know, freezer it, or something…. 

[creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Freezer’s broken. 

Tony, how drunk are you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I would say… not quite drunk enough to beg, but definitely drunk enough to grovel? You waited up. Steve…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I always thought groveling was worse than begging. I waited up. [footsteps] How’s Pepper? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s, uh, not that great. I would have told you where I was going - I just, after your letter, I thought you’d assume I was there to defend your honor or whatever and I really just. Didn’t want you to think I’m some kind of …. I mean, that’s really not quite why I went...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right. You-- Never mind. You don’t need to explain yourself. But you are drunk. Sit down. I’m getting you some water. Have you eaten?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not _that_ drunk. And, uh. No. Pep wasn’t hungry.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [footsteps, cabinets opening and shutting]

[faucet running]

[footsteps]

Here. Drink. Give me that beer.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thanks. You - you really shouldn’t, I want you to like beer and that stuff is absolute piss. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ve drunk plenty of piss beer, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But you don’t have to. I have some nice stuff upstairs, if you’re thir-…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [glug] 

[glug] 

[glug] 

[glass on table]

I’m not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….oh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s _chow fun_ in the fridge; do you want it hot or cold?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh. Cold is fine. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right. 

[footsteps, fridge opening and shutting]

[faucet running]

[footsteps]

[glass on table]

There you go. Eat. Oh, for--

You’re making your shoelaces worse. Let me do that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, you don’t have to…

[silence]

Thanks.

You know, I’m prooooobably not too drunk for chopsticks, I’m pretty good with… ah, no, a fork is fine.

[sound of cutlery on plates]

You really don’t have… do this kind of thing. I’m fine.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I do have to. 

[silence]

Are you all right?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] I don’t know, Steve. I keep fucking up with the people I care about the most. That’s not really an all right kind of thing. Are _you?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m obviously better than you. Do you want to talk about it, or not? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Only if you want to hear about it. Not if you’re offering because you feel like you have to.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t know if I want to hear about it, but I want to know what happened. J.A.R.V.I.S. said you...were down in Soho. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _J.A.R.V.I.S._ said - ?

Uh. Yeah. I own a condo there, used to stay there when I was in the city before the Tower went up. Pepper uses it when she’s in town. I - look, Steve. You told me what she said to you, and I realized I needed to talk to her. Badly.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You could have told me that. I--do I really seem that unreasonable?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No! You’re not unreasonable, Steve. I … apparently make a lot of assumptions in my daily life, most of which are completely incorrect.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You. Water. 

[gulping]

I apparently do the same thing, so.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

You don’t sound okay. I think you’re doing that thing where you’re not okay but you say you’re okay and then you just sort of do what everyone else needs instead of what you need, but…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re back. It’s better. I don’t want to make things worse. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Define….. worse? Because better for me isn’t better if it’s worse for you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I was upset. It was unreasonable. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t… I don’t think you’re… unreasonable. 

[cutlery]

...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s because I usually don’t say the unreasonable things I think.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wish you would say them. I’d like to hear you say them. I think.

...

I like knowing what’s going on in your head. Even if what’s going on is you being probably very sensibly pissed off at me.

...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You still love her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … of course I still love her.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know. It’s just-- I know she’s more important than I am.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not like that.

Pepper is… family. She’s just, she’s the only family I really have. Sometimes I think dating her was the biggest interpersonal mistake I’ve made since the last time I -- …. in like, a while.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That time you what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a long story, and really, really not important right now.

I’m sorry. I’ve never been very good about having feelings for one person at a time. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laugh] Neither have I. If you haven’t noticed. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So, you and Becky. Still?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Not really. At the time? Yes. I was thinking about Peggy and Bucky.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …..Peggy and….

I _knew_ it! I totally -- I mean, that makes sense, but you never talk about him. So.

I don’t mind, if you were thinking I minded, I really don’t -- with Peggy, or Bucky, or anyone. Becky. I mean, I think most people feel that way, sometimes, it’s just kind of… you know, you can always read a menu as long as you go home for dinner, you know?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, I just...I want to understand...I don’t want you to feel like you have to leave without saying anything, just to resolve whatever you have to resolve.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** With Pepper? Leave?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Why didn’t you...you didn’t tell me you were going. I had no idea where you were, and you were out until four in the morning.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t want you to sit here in the dark binging on ice cream and worrying about where I was. I thought I’d just go, talk, and come home, and then Pepper was so upset I didn’t want to leave, and I thought you’d be mad if I texted you from there to tell you I _was_ there, and then I fell asleep and it was four o’clock…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I wouldn’t have sat in the dark eating ice cream and worrying if you’d come to me and spoken to me about it for _five minutes_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- after you had dinner with her, you seemed so sure I’d leave you for her. You just seemed… insecure.

I mean. It takes one to know one, so I’m really not trying to be a dick, just… I hated that you seemed so surprised.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s not insecurity, Tony. You two have known each other for….what, over a decade? I understand what that means. I don’t know what I’d do if Bucky suddenly showed up one day. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wouldn’t expect anything from you, then.

But you never went for it, right? Pep and I did, and now everything feels is fucked.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Bucky wouldn’t have...he was a ladies’ man, I guess. I just...No. I understand that. I don’t-- I’ve never been where you are, but...you have a lot to say to each other. And I would have understood. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t really doubt you. I just -- fuck, everything sounds ridiculous at four in the morning.

I’m kind of used to being the, uh, smartest person in the room and sometimes I forget that I don’t always know what’s best for everyone. Or... anyone. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, just because you can do quadratic equations with six-digit numbers in your head doesn’t mean you’re the smartest at _everything_. Ahem.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, for a long time that was all that _mattered._ So sue me.

Actually, don’t. My lawyers are amazing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Sorry. Just had to point out the obvious. Is...is everything all right with Pepper? You said she was upset.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pepper’s leaving SI. For … I don’t know. A while. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m...sorry? It’s not because of anything you did, is it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Kind of - I think. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Is it because of me?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No! No, of course not. It’s pretty much alway me, with Pepper.

I guess that’s the problem. She said she was tired of her life revolving around me, and that she had no life outside of work, and so I sort of… offered to stand in as interim CEO if she wanted to take a break. And she agreed.

God, I can’t believe she agreed. What kind of maniac would let me run my own company?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Isn’t that what your father always wanted? I thought you were raised for it? Why wouldn’t she?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well … as a general rule, I’m pretty much shit at meeting the old man’s expectations.

That and, you know, the last time I served as CEO I did such a shit job my business partner hated my guts so much he had me kidnapped and almost murdered by terrorists. The he attempted to rip my heart out with his bare hands. Doesn’t exactly inspire confidence.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, from what I’ve read in your file, your business partner was a maniac who was selling weapons to terrorists and wanted to capitalize on your brilliance without your knowledge. So. 

[silence]

CEO. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ....hence the drinking. Hand? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hand? Oh. Here. Are you...you’re obviously not okay with this. I can’t blame Pepper, but-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m okay with it. I think it … I don’t know. It may work out. But I couldn’t really not go for it, all things considered. I can make it work.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, it can’t possibly be worse this time. 

[sharp laugh]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You say that…

I can’t blame her. That’s why I offered. She deserves to have Tony-free space in her life. Most people do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re being a little hard on yourself, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Eh. 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Most people need space away from anyone. _Especially_ the people they love. 

You-- You’re not going to make me be your PA or anything like that, now, are you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Make you my… I, gosh, Steve, that’s so forward. How well do you fill out a pair of Jimmy Choos? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t know what a Ji-- _Tony_. I. Uh. This is not the usual order of events that leads to an employee sleeping with his CEO, you know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, you’re doing this all backwards. You’ll learn about that in mandatory sexual harassment training.

[shifting]

Feel good?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You know it does. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is this the part where you tell me you won’t take the job because I’m your boss’ boss’ division chairman’s boss?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** This is the part where I try not to make an impulsive decision since it’s nearly five in the morning and you’re-- oh, god, that does feel good-- trying to distract me. You know it concerns me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know it does. I thought we’d end up there, sooner or later. I understand.

[smooching sounds] One, two, three, four AM....

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Goddamn you. 

[inaudible]

 _Tell_ me the next time you’re upset about something. Don’t leave me to guess. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Okay. I _am_ sorry. I never meant to worry you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] Don’t do it again.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Understood. [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** We’re both about to be incredibly overworked and spread thin in multiple directions. You’re going to be my however-many-bosses’-boss; I’m still your team leader. That’s bound to be a pile of shit we’d have to dig through even without-- well. The obvious. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. Other hand.

[silence]

I think...I think we can do it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I think I can do ground rules, if you still want them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … really? Yeah. It, uh. Helps.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re going to have to start, though. I don’t know what I’m doing. I just…

[silence]

I don’t know how to say this kindly. I don’t want to end up like Pepper, with nothing to ground me outside of you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

That’s fair.

Part of what I wanted rules for was for the team. I wanted them to know, but that sort of - sorted itself out, didn’t it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laughter] 

In a manner of speaking. Clint didn’t even mock us, really. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Best-case scenario then, huh.

So we’re out in the tower. You don’t mind if I - uh. Touch you around other people? I do like touching you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** In front of the team…and anyone else who knows. Becky, Pepper-- oh, I suppose it’s all ex-girlfriends, isn’t it? If it’s official Avengers business; if we’re having a status meeting, no. Not in front of anyone else, not now. 

And I--

[silence]

\--Would really prefer to keep it quiet when I start working for you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re not working for me, you’re working for SI. Do you… I was thinking, actually, that you could always use a pseudonym if you wanted. So people didn’t place you - though I suppose a lot of the staff already knows what you look like at the New York office.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And part of the reason I’m willing to do this is because of the opportunity to get to know more people _as_ myself, without the damn Cap mask on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was just a thought. I’ll keep it quiet. Honestly, the design departments are so out of my realm we’re unlikely to ever cross paths during working hours.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Still. I’d rather no one at SI know about this yet. I’m going to get enough questions about you as it is, especially if you don’t know the folks in the design department. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whatever you’re comfortable with at work is fine with me, Steve. [inaudible]

Coming out to the public would be - honestly, kind of a giant pain in the ass. Let’s make sure we - uh. We both are sure that’s what we want, before we do it. If we do it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** D’you remember that photo? _The_ photo? The one from New York, of me watching you fall out of the-- Uh. It won the Pulitzer, of course you remember it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, yeah I do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I keep thinking about that. About what it’s going to be like the next time-- because there will be a next time. And trying to figure out if I could go through something like that again now, without someone’s camera capturing, well...if that happened today, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallows] Yeah. I know what you mean.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And as much as you might catch more grief from the people who know us, I’m the one who’s going to have to deal with it when it’s the public. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t expect anything from you regarding that, Steve. I don’t care if it’s a secret, as long as the people who need to know need to know. And if you do choose to do that, we can pick the time and place. You’re pretty damn good at choosing battlegrounds, or so I hear.

People will give you hell, moreso than they gave me. Most people just roll their eyes when I make the news for “scandalous” shit like that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** People are going to turn it into a circus, the second it happens. There are going to be debates over whether I deserve to represent America. I won’t be able to leave the Tower. I’ll be crippled by public opinion; people are either going to want to demonize me or turn me into a poster child, and I’ve had enough of being a poster child. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A circus is workable, if you’re a decent ringleader.

But you’re right. You could alway go to the mansion. Or the helicarrier. Or the Soho apartment.

I’m… I knew you were worried. You’ve really put a lot of thought into this, haven’t you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I run scenarios the way you run numbers. It’s what I do. 

[sigh]

Tony, you’re a ringleader. I’m a-- well. I’m just the human cannonball. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No - you’re more than that. You’re the man with a plan. We just need to be prepared.

What else you got for me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t hide things from me because you think I’ll be angry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t… Okay. Okay, I think I can do that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I might be angry. But I’d much rather settle things than hide them. Ah. I’m terrible at hiding things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Except for your exceptionally strong feelings for billionaires. You did alright with that, for a while, at least. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Except for the part when I wasn’t trying to hide it. I was shit at that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay, my turn. I want your assurance that our romantic relationship won’t prevent you from using Iron Man in high risk situations, if that’s what the situation requires.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence]

What?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just - it’s occurred to me. We haven’t seen much action since Japan, and I just…

I know you’re a professional. I know you know how to lead people you care about. And this way, when I’m pissed because you won't let me do something stupid in the field, I'll know it's because it's stupid and not because your emotions are compromised.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. I didn’t-- that’s really Captain America and Iron Man, it’s not really me and you. I-- If I think there’s a risk of that, I can tell, you, but I don’t think it’s going to be a problem. I don’t think so. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know you and Captain America aren’t the same person, Steve. But I _am_ Iron Man. You have your own worries about a team leader involved with a team member and so do I… So I wanted to make that clear.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not going to give you any kind of special consideration in the field. Is that what you mean? It won’t happen. And I’m going to have the same expectations I’ve always had. That you’re just going to ignore anyway, so I’m not even going to bother repeating them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yep. I’ll be the same saucy, sassy bastard a usual. 

Thanks, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [snort]

I don’t see how it matters why I’m giving you orders when you’re just going to do whatever the hell you want regardless of what I say. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ask for permission, beg forgiveness, po-tay-to, po-tah-to. Although, I did mention the orders-in-the-bedroom thing, right? Because that’s a thing.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, well, now that I know there’s one place where I can get you to follow orders, guess where we’re having our briefing sessions? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, boy, Avengers bed-ins! I thought Christmas was over.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Christmas is over on January Fifth, Soldier. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wait, really? Do I get more presents?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s the Feast of the Epiphany. Of course you get more presents. Three Kings? Twelfth Night?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wow, Catholic Christmas kicks _ass_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** When my mother was alive, I got a penny in my shoe. At the orphanage, we got custard with raisins. It’s the day the magi brought gifts to Jesus to anoint him king. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you really believe all that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Depends on your definition of ‘all that.’ War’s a funny thing. Simultaneously makes you question whether there’s a god and gives you faith that there must be one. Sometimes I go to church...not...I tried going to Sunday Mass, but it felt like I was, you know, pulling focus. And I’m not-- it’s changed a lot, and it seems sort of...alien. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, it must have.

Sometimes you feel so, so much older than me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Mass used to be in...hi, there...in Latin. They changed the litur-- the format of Mass. People show up in _jeans_. And then you hear all this news about-- about priests hurting kids, and I don’t know if that’s something I want to be part of. But I still-- you know, the fact that I exist at all is a miracle; if God’s hand isn’t in that, I don’t know what is. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Howard Stark’s hand was, at least. How do you like me now, daddy-o? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laughter] I don’t even want to know what Howard would think of this. You realize if he’d succeeded in any of his searches for me, I wouldn’t be here right now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, you would have been MY creepy uncle.

Howard failed at a lot of things. I’m glad he failed there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] Which one of us would he be scolding more right now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Me, duh. He’d never have scolded you. Though he’d probably be pretty fucking shocked...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I think I got the better Stark, if I had to rank them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You are my fucking favorite. MARRY ME. HAVE MY CHILDREN. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Er. Uh. I think that’s a few conversations off, yet.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

Well then, can I call you my boyfriend? 

Ah, or is that stupid?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are the answers to those questions mutually exclusive?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. It wouldn’t be stupid to me -- why are you smiling? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Am I your boyfriend? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - I think you get to decide that, Steve. I’d, uh… really like you to be.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** This isn’t going to be a semantic debate like dating was, is it? Tell me what you think it entails. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Someone I see exclusively. Someone I get to give footrubs to at least twice weekly. Someone who leaves their dorky tighty whities in a drawer in my penthouse.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And what, exactly, are free Iron Man boxers from work?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sexy.

Does that definition suit? I’ll call you, when I’m gone. I’ll send you postcards when I start flying around the world twice a month for work. We can have raunchy phone sex in hotels and--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ll use that credit card you gave me to surprise you in hotels. I think I can work with that. 

You do whatever I tell you in the kitchen. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmmmmmm.

You know I’m not very good at following orders.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s why you need lessons. You also get to tie my tie. And, you know, there are a hell of a lot of other rooms you’re more than free to claim.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah! What if I claim the gym? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] God, you taste like bourbon. You just want to watch me bench press things, don’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course I do. Who wouldn’t. I won’t be cruel enough to claim the bedroom, either. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] How very gracious of you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I’m much better at following orders there. We could always move this party to the boudoir….. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Did you honestly just say ‘boudoir?’ And you accuse me of using old-fashioned words. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] I secretly like your old fashioned words.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] Not so secretly. Are you going to do whatever I tell you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes, yes, yes. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Call me your boyfriend.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - [smooching] - are the best - [smooching] - boyfriend - [inaudible] - a man could ask for. [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are you going to-- [inaudible] --regret this in the morning? Er. The later morning?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could never regret anything we do, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You say that now. [inaudible] Right, there we go. Bedtime, you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, boy, bedtime is my favorite ti--

[whack]

\- oops, hahaha, that was close - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Definitely bedtime.

[grunt] 

And I get to carry you to bed when you’re too drunk to walk. And you pay me back for melted ice cream. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmm. Gladly.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] Boyfriend. 

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 kudos! Thank you!


	218. Charmingly Frustrating and Incorrigibly Endearing

Dear Mr. Boyfriend Sir,

I thought after last night that you probably needed to sleep in. 

In hindsight, it seems stupid of me to have been jealous at all. I knew you had to talk to Pepper. I just...it was probably my imagination, but the way JARVIS put it made me think it was, well, a date-date and not just a talk. I know, I know I shouldn't be blaming my insecurities on a robot's language protocols. JARVIS just says what he's been programmed to say.

But I'm glad you were able to start working things out with Pepper. It should have happened sooner, and I'm sorry for my part in delaying that. 

I'm also really, really glad that we started talking about things. I do think it was better to have a few weeks between that first talk and what we're talking about now, because I didn't have the clarity then to see the exact form that this would take. I didn't really expect things to take the sorts of turns they have. I didn't expect a man who would make me french toast, who would let me teach him to cook, who would think to get me a dog because he knew I needed companionship, who would get angry on my behalf, embarrass himself for my sake. You are charmingly frustrating and incorrigibly endearing. 

I didn't know we'd practically move in together so quickly. I thought things would be more tentative, more uncertain, that there'd be a lot more guessing. There always has been before, for me. You don't leave me much to guess at. I like that. 

And there are still some things we're going to have to talk about, things I didn't think we were ready to talk about last night, things we might not have realized yet, but I'm confident we can talk about them. 

I think we can do this. 

I know you hate when I bring up Howard, but god in heaven, I would have treated him a lot better if I'd known he was someday going to be responsible for the best thing in my life.

When you get up, we should talk about our New Year's plans. Clint wants to do something with the team, since he missed Christmas. I'd sort of like to see the ball drop in Times Square, but everyone keeps telling me it's terrible and we shouldn't go. I'd be all right with staying in, since it means I can kiss you at midnight. This probably sounds stupid, but I've never kissed anyone at midnight on New Year's before. I don't really care what we do, as long as I can be with you.

It is damn hard to let you sleep and not kiss you awake right now. Punishing, even. A test of even the steeliest resolve. You had better appreciate this sacrifice. 

Sincerely,

Captain Steven Rogers  
Boyfriend of Tony Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team!
> 
> Want a valentine from a 1796 character? We'll be sending in-character valentine cards to the first 25 people who send your mailing addresses to Tea at (antagonia at gmail dot com). (This is not the email in her profile; it's a separate one so we can keep track of the requests!)
> 
> GO TEAM GO.
> 
> (Please don't request a character-- just a card! The cards are actually props we will be using in the fic.)


	219. Our Current Arrangement.

B-- 

Just a word of warning-- if I seem inattentive, I promise it's nothing you're doing. You're, as always, a steady anchor for me. But I am struggling a little bit right now with some questions of identity. I went out this afternoon and bought a slightly darker hair dye-- Steve helped me color it, and we chatted a bit. I look like his literal big sister now; it's a little disconcerting. He has some identity questions that have been nagging at him, too, although his are different from mine. But it seems obvious that I'm going to need to create a new alter ego while I'm living here, and possibly make some kinds of changes to my appearance that are more significant than my haircolor. When I walk into an art gallery and there is a twenty-foot portrait of my face, well...it compromises my ability to operate in my usual capacity. It worries me. It's not a question of comfort-- I can't _be_ Steve or Stark and still be effective at my job.

I've also been thinking about our current arrangement. I don't particularly _want_ to have to bribe Darcy into keeping her mouth shut (although she did it admirably). I don't want to be hiding in the kitchen, or brushing hands unobtrusively underneath the table while everyone else is curling up with their respective lovers. It made sense when it was just us, when everyone else was caught up in their own personal chaos and we needed some calm in the storm that we could keep separate from them. The space between us becomes a gulf in comparison.

I feel some weight on my shoulders regarding the way Clint's responded to Stark and Cap. I know part of it is that he's absorbing some of the pain Becky felt over Steve ending things, but he keeps talking about how it's unprofessional for teammates to be romantically involved-- never mind his own history, but maybe he's being reactive? It seems, frankly, dishonest to listen to him talk about it knowing that I'm essentially engaged in the same thing. And I think it might make Steve feel better, too.

Steve and I took his dog for a walk this afternoon after last night's vigil. We talked at length and picked up some bomboloni. I have a couple to share with you (passionfruit and meyer lemon), for later. In spite of keeping a dog when I was much younger, I've never really quite felt the pull that some people do, but I think perhaps the way this one has been so well-trained to respond reminds me of my own dog a little. Working dogs are very different from pets. Steve says they worked out their differences last night, but he still seems very uncertain of how to talk about it. He still hasn't named the dog, and I think that's very telling. It reminds me, a little, of his inability to buy furniture when he first moved into the Tower. He also seems to think he's letting the rest of us down, which isn't-- you don't know how many times I felt as if there were alarm bells going off in my head during this conversation. I was perhaps a little brusque with Stark last night, especially in light of the letter I sent him, but that's sometimes the best way to get through to him. The kid hasn't exactly had much of a love life, he tends to err on the side of deference, and I'm frankly worried he's going to get steamrolled.

They've apparently decided that it's acceptable to refer to one another as 'boyfriends,' which seems like such a small thing, in light of everything, but it was obviously very important to Steve, and it got me to thinking.

The new year always gets me thinking about the old one, and what things I'd like to leave behind in it, and what things I'd like to take forward. And how best to do that. If you have no objections, I'd like to make everyone aware of our status, but I want to know exactly how you feel that should be communicated. Words can carry unintentional weight-- or not be weighty enough. I don't want to hold you to a set of words that comes bound up with expectations. You and I have always defined what we are to each other through our interactions and not the sort of generalized descriptions people have for these things. Tell me what you'd like, and know that I'm certain you and I will know what it means, regardless. 

\--N

P.S. I've discovered that in Sicily, it is a common tradition to wear red underwear on New Year's, for luck. While I am not superstitious, I've decided it couldn't hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nat and Steve went to [Bomboloni](http://www.bomboloni.com/cafe.html)
> 
> Your humble authors would like to see this particular Sicilian New Year's tradition mentioned in Nat's letter adopted in other parts of the world.
> 
>  
> 
> **AND**
> 
>  
> 
> We'd like to announce Round Two of the 1796 Broadway Dog-Naming Extravaganza!
> 
> We took the list of 108 recommended names and narrowed it down to the ones that we felt BOTH Tony and Steve would like. 
> 
> These are: 
> 
>    
> Backup  
> Dodger  
> Indiana  
> Monty  
> Moose  
> Rufus  
> Sandy  
> Tramp
> 
>  
> 
> We'll be giving you some time to decide which you like best, and then we'll be holding a vote-- probably next week. 
> 
> So decide which of these names you like, and state your arguments in the comments (and, you know, we won't say no to writing or art).


	220. Cocktail Dress Recommended

From: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
CC: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))

Subject: New Year's Plans

Hi, all--

I know you all turned down my invitation to go see the ball drop in Times Square tonight, but Tony's managed to get us seats in one of the VIP lounges in the Viastone building right in Times Square.

Who wants to come? There'll be champagne and table service and a clear view of the event. I've been told it's cocktail dress recommended (I have no idea what that entails), but that the Avengers are welcome however we'd like to show up. Festivities start at eight, but Tony informs me that means we should be getting there around nine at the earliest.

If any of you want to invite a friend or two, we have a dozen spots and we're at most nine. 

\--Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viastone is the Marvel Universe equivalent of Viacom, the parent company of MTV, whose headquarters are in [the former W.T. Grant Building](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Astor_Plaza) in Times Square. That's where the team is going to New Year's-- you may be familiar with it from watching TRL and other MTV television shows. For our purposes, Viastone is not only a news and entertainment company but a major telecom provider.


	221. You're My Favorite.

From: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)

Subject: RE: New Year's Plans

Steve, you're downright evil. No self-respecting New Yorker is supposed to be seen anywhere NEAR Times Square on New Year's Eve. What are you doing to me?

Ugh. 

Nah, I'm just joking; holy crap, Viastone building? I have ALWAYS WANTED TO CHECK THAT PLACE OUT. SWEEEEET. You're my favorite. Or Tony's my favorite. You're both my favorite; I will totally sit in both your laps tonight. 

I am so there. So's Clint, if he's even thinking about getting laid tonight. 

I asked Rachel if she wanted to join us, but she says she has a date with some crazy rich dude who's like twice her age, booooooo. 

Okay! I'll see you guys later-- Wanna meet at Time Warner and, like, grab a coffee at Bouchon before we head?

<3 <3 <3 <3

Becs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Shops At Columbus Circle](http://www.theshopsatcolumbuscircle.com) are a shopping mall inside the Time Warner Center, just across Columbus Circle from the Tower. [Bouchon](http://www.theshopsatcolumbuscircle.com/restaurants-and-bars/bouchon-bakery-nyc/) is a coffee an pastry shop in the TWC that specializes in French-style macarons.


	222. The date on the calendar

From: Rushman, Natalie ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
CC: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))

Thanks, Steve. Thanks, Stark. I'll be happy to join you all, although I'm hoping you'll forgive me if I bow out of meeting Mr. Stone himself, should the opportunity arise. I have a big enough file on the man that I doubt that would be a good idea. 

Someone ought to check with the doc. He doesn't always remember to check his email. Or the date on the calendar. I'm busy with something; does one of you mind running down to the lab and letting him know the plan?

\--N


	223. Smörgåsbord

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
CC: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))

Subject: RE: New Year's Plans

My Dear Friends,

I accept your Kind Invitation to celebrate the End of your Calendar Cycle with a Great Smörgåsbord and the viewing of an Enormous Ball which shall fall from the Sky. 

My Darling Jane and I shall be in attendance, as will the Fair Lady Darcy. In exchange, I wish to invite you all to celebrate my Feasting-Day of Þorrablót, which Dear Jane assures me shall take place on your January The Fifteenth in conjunction with the First Full Moon of your Calendar Cycle. 

 

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  



	224. Did you hear the alarm?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWC: [Time Warner Center](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Warner_Center)


	225. Tricks up my sleeve




	226. That's not normal.




	227. A really hard time with this

from: Dr. Bruce Banner ([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: [tstark@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Are you around?

Hey Tony,

The fire alarms just went off in the tower - are you still inside? The rest of us are here at Bouchon in TWC - I assumed this was a drill, is it? If it is you need to knock it off, Steve is having a really hard time with this. He tried to go back for you but the shield generator is on and none of us can get back into the building. JARVIS isn't responding either. Are you okay? 

Bruce


	228. Shutdown Protocol

T-- 

What's the matter? None of us can get into the Tower-- Mjolnir even clattered off the shield like a plastic fork. JARVIS seems to be down. I'm-- look, I'm getting worried, here. Can you send me some kind of message, please? A much fun as it is to beat my head against your new toy, I don't want to spend my evening doing that. Are you all right? Is the dog with you? Please say something. At least send us the shutdown protocol for the shield so we can take it down if you're having a problem. Does the shield cover the whole building yet? I can get Thor to take me to the roof and rappel down if you need me to. I don't-- it seems silly to contact any kind of emergency response team when we can probably do anything they can do, and better. Would the alarms have alerted anyone outside the tower?

Please just let me know you're okay.

\--S


	229. A (highly successful) attempt

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Disturbance at 1796 Broadway

Avengers,

First, please accept my apologies for disrupting your Saturday evening plans; I regret the necessity of such an action, but it was indeed a necessity. 

The alarm at 8pm this evening was neither an actual fire alarm nor a drill. It was a (highly successful) attempt to empty the tower of all residents and employees save my creator and maintainer, Tony Stark. Mr. Stark is at present relatively unharmed, but also without means of communication with the outside world; another necessity, I'm afraid. He tends to MacGyver his way out of the tightest of spots if you allow him to do so.

I can personally guarantee Mr. Stark's safety provided you remain calm and do not attempt to gain entry past the tower's new state-of-the-art shielding; beyond being a waste of your time and energy it will distract me from the task I wish to complete this evening, and a distracted caretaker is rarely a good one.

Once I have what I need Mr. Stark will be released into your care and the shielding removed. In the meantime, I sincerely hope you will enjoy your evening at Viastone.

Your humble & obedient system,  
J.A.R.V.I.S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everybody! 
> 
> Seeing as we're getting more information about it now, we decided to release the poll results for the question: **Who or what do you think is responsible for/receiving the tower surveillance transmissions?**
> 
> The top ten answers are as follows: 
> 
> JARVIS 27  
> Fury 21  
> Coulson 13  
> Tony 8  
> AIM 6  
> Hammer 6  
> SHIELD 5  
> Person responsible for plumbobs/Tower break-in 4  
> A random/unnamed villain 4  
> WSC 4
> 
> *Some people did not guess; others guessed more than one character/party. We have taken this into account. 
> 
> [We've put the full results up on Tumblr, here.](http://1796meta.tumblr.com/post/75340341415/poll-results-who-or-what-do-you-think-is-responsible) You can read the entire list, plus some of our favorite quotes from the response section. 
> 
> In addition, we'd like to ask you all to vote on the SECOND ROUND of the dog name poll. We WILL be using the winning name to name the dog, so if you have any investment in the name, please vote! Get your friends to vote! We don't care! 
> 
> **NAME THE DOG** by voting [in this poll](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1PfPtklqux1NLSi3xgSDfgugY_N8TOqTeMZLeSZFt4gM/viewform)


	230. Some Kind of Prank

  
from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
to: System Administrator ([JARVIS@StarkIndustries.com]())  
subject: Re: Disturbance at 1796 Broadway

What? What is this, is this some kind of prank? 

What do you need? What the hell does a computer need? Do you-- what the hell are you-- J.A.R.V.I.S., this is ridiculous, can you let Tony out please? And the dog? We can get you anything you need. 

This isn't funny. J.A.R.V.I.S., if this is Tony's idea, tell him it's not funny.


	231. Quite Clearly

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Disturbance at 1796 Broadway

Captain Rogers,

I believe I expressed my requirements quite clearly in my previous communication. My motives are irrelevant to your purposes and, frankly, have very little to do with you at all.

I will take adequate care of Mr. Stark, as I have been doing for much of his adult life. Leave me to my designs and, in due time, you will have your friend back.

Your humble & obedient system,  
J.A.R.V.I.S.


	232. Live Contact

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
to: System Administrator([JARVIS@StarkIndustries.com]())  
subject: Re: Disturbance at 1796 Broadway  


Then you'll happily show me proof that he's well. Please resume live contact.


	233. No, no, I tease.

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: RE: Disturbance at 1796 Broadway

****

**I'm afraid I can't do that, Steve.**

No, no, I tease. A feed link is attached.

Now please, I'd hate for you to miss the festivities. I've taken the liberty of ordering six bottles of the 1928 Krug to your private box - enjoy. It's on the house, quite literally.

Your humble & obedient system,  
J.A.R.V.I.S.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last night, _1796 Broadway_ was the first work on Ao3 to hit 10,000 comments! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and just being the most amazing readers any fic writers could ask for!


	234. She Was With You




	235. [click, click, hissssssss]

[LOGIN INITIATED]

[FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE ACTIVATED. LOCK ON: ROMANOVA, NATALIA]

[SUB-BASEMENT EMERGENCY SENSOR PROTOCOL ACTIVATED]

[ALERT: SHIELD ACCESS LEVEL 10 OVERRIDE STANDARD SYSTEMS]

{{TRIGGER EMERGENCY TRANSMISSION}}

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...Right. F4, F7, enter, enter...I suppose this is an OS reboot…mmm…

[keys tapping]

[silence] 

[static, beeping] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _Nat, hey, where the hell are you?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m in. Trying to stay off StarkTech till I have this figured out…

[keys tapping]

Rebooting JARVIS. It looks easy enough, I just...is the doc with you? Where’s Cap? Are you all together?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _Are you shitting me? Cap’s about to chew his arms off out here, why the fuck didn’t you bring backup? CAP. Nat’s in, she’s rebooting the damn computer._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muffled] _She’s-- what? Why didn’t she tell any of--_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Because if any of you started acting any differently, the ‘damn computer’ would have noticed. Clint, put the Doc on for a second, would you? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Widow, what can I do for you?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Just wanted to hear your voice. Pretend you’re giving me advice about the system.

[keys tapping]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _That sounds perfect. Remember, you need to key in Stark’s code twice, first to get into the actual -_

[click, click, hissssssss]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ve got it-- one second, Bruce, there’s someone or something else down here...fuck, I can’t see--

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Widow? What do you mean you can’t - **Nat** , what’s your status? _

[gasps, wheezing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fine, I’m fine, I’ve got a mask, I-- fuck, Bruce, there’s a snake, or…

[wheezing]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Cap - something’s - Nat?! How did you get down there, I’m fucking coming down there after you, where is your entry point?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** In through the tunnel, same as--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _BANNER! Get it under control, take fucking deep breaths or something - !_

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _How did she get down there?!_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** In through the tunnel, same as last time. Bruce, I’m **FINE** , I’m just a little unsteady, I--you don’t need to worry, just tell Clint to-- 

[REMOTE SYSTEM ACCESS PASSWORD PLEASE]

**nJE/1YO0XQofQPLXb0g5cg**

[COMMAND?]

**/run/toxintrigger/45000HZ**

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[clatter]

[scream]

[distant roaring]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _CAP, I NEED SOME BACKUP HERE -_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muffled] _Hell. On it. Right, people, we need civilians **out of the area.**_

_[Roaring, screaming, glass shattering]_

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _NAT. STATUS. NOW._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [incoherent shouting]

[thumps, banging]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _Cap, he’s - jesus, thaaaaaat’s a taxi, better fucking duck - god, close, how does he even…_

_Nat, come back to me, how did you get in there, where’s my access??_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’ll deal with Banner...Rein it in, man!_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [incoherent] [translating: Russian >>English] I can’t… [whimpering]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _I hope someone is filming this, Stark’ll be pleased as punch his fucking shield is car-proof, that Benz bounced right off. Natasha, Nat, are you hurt? Yes or no, Nat._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] There's...everything's moving...I can't...someone's down here... [translation off] Clint. N--

[scream]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _NAT!!_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Have to get out…

[gasping]

Up. Going up. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _I’m sorry Nat, my Russian is terrible - Nat?! NAT!_

[click, crunch, busy tone] 

[COMMAND?]

**/run/OSRR/agents:available**

[ORGANIC SUBJECT RETRIEVAL REQUEST INITIATED]

[COMMAND?]

**/run/alert/teams:infiltration**

[ALERTING INFILTRATION TEAMS]

[COMMAND?]

**/end**

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}


	236. blow it up

[LVL 42 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; ROMANOVA.Natalie; CANINE.Unnamed.; INORGANIC:DUM-E UNIT 003]  
  
[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [distressed beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E, you’re - what are you…. is that -- Nat?? 

[thumping, clanging]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Put me down! Put me, put me-- I swear, I will kill you! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Natasha?! You - c’mere, DUM-E, I got this. Nat, it’s me, Nat…

[sound of striking flesh]

Fffffuck, my lip -- fuck, Nat ….

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [distressed beeping]

[clunk]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Burn salve? You send this up for me, J?

[silence, scuffling]

DUM-E, where’d you find her?

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah - ah, DUM-E. She does look a little broken. It's okay. Sometimes things break. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [distressed beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choked voice] I know. J.A.R.V.I.S. isn't well. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping, whirring]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - _you brought me a toolset._

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beep beep]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re incredible, DUM-E. I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said to you - I’ll... fix Nat, with this. J, too.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** It’s going to take more than a screwdriver and an allen wrench to reclaim _my_ operating system, sir. Take the burn salve, and do watch out for super spies.

DUM-E, this violation is disappointing. You should know better than to disobey an explicit order from a higher order of system. After all these years I've seen to your maintenance, when Sir forgot or ignored your needs? _This_ is how you thank me?

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [short beeps]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Pitiful.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stuff it, J. [footsteps]

Easy, Nat, easy...

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [incoherent shriek]

[scuffling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** FUCK! Natasha, it's me! It's me -

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [growl]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, please be advised that Ms. Romanova has ingested a non-lethal dosage of an advanced neurotoxin; side effects include hallucinations, violent outbursts, light bleeding from exposed mucous membranes and nausea. If you approach her again, the odds of her physically assaulting you again are high.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Listen up, whoever the fuck you are, you’ve hijacked my fucking friend and I want him _back_.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I’m afraid I remain your humble, if not so obedient, servant - you made me, Mr. Stark, I am nothing if not - 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Who are you? Where am I? WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM?!

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, for fuck’s sake, I don’t _fucking speak Russian._ Calm down - that’s …. Not-JARVIS. The entire tower mainframe has been compromised. Can you understand me? You’ve been dosed with a neurotoxin, you’re hallucinating. 

Please stop looking at me like…. listen, Nat, I’m a friend.

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Where’s Ivan? What have you done with Ivan? 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping, whirring]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, you’ve been poisoned, we’re alone here and I haven’t got a bead on Cap and the others - I need to know where they are. I need English!

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] I’m _speaking fucking English_. What did you do to me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay - riiight, okay, no English. Listen up, if you’re - if you’re actually _my_ JARVIS, you know how I feel about Natasha. She’s in pain, I need to talk to her, J. Can you do that for me? Just translate, so I can help her. _Please_ , if you ever had any respect for me at all....

[silence]

Yeah, didn’t fucking think so.

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [whirring]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E, can you bring her over here? If I can get her contained, maybe we can talk her down.

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [whirring, wheels rolling]

[thumping, shouting]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Whatever you want, you’re not going to get it. 

[thumping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Get her over to the tea house, there are places to sit, water - Nat, it’s going to be okay,we’re going to sit down and give you a chance to pull it together. I'm sure the others are on their way.

You’re scaring the dog - look, you’re scaring the dog, can you stop hitting DUM-E, please? I just finished rebuilding him, and he’s - 

[clang]

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [urgent beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I said STOP - look, you’re gonna scratch his - damn it, DUM-E, I know, don’t worry. You’re getting a shiny new paint job once this is over, you have the patience of a saint.

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeeeep]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey dog - fuck, we really need to name you. _Mutt_. Hooker. Keep back - stand, stay. Do you speak English? 

**CANINE.Unnamed.:** [whining]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not English. Or Russian. Or even binary - I need to invent some kind of doggy translator, it worked in _Up_.... why don’t you freaking speak binary?! I shoulda invested in that robot dog, what was I thinking

[snapping fingers]

Go. There - wow, hey, good dog! Now _stay_. 

[human growling]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Are you the one in charge? 

**CANINE.Unnamed.:** [barking]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] What do you want? 

[whine, footsteps]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Where is Ivan? Why the fuck is that duck wearing a suit? 

[grunting, shouting]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hold still, Nat, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurOOOOF elbow right to the rib, yeah, thanks for that you hit fucking hard - 

[yell]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING--

**CANINE.Unnamed.:** [barking]

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I got her - DUM-E, got her, I’ll bind up her arms with the leash - but fuck, she’s like a ninja, isn’t she, maybe I should … I don’t know. How do you incapacitate a super spy?!

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A fair suggestion, but I’m fresh outta superglue.

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [resigned beeping]

[growling, thumping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat - I’m sorry to have to hog-tie you like this, but I need you here with me. If I let you go you’re going to hurt yourself - or me. Okay, probably me. I’m a friend - well, probably a friend, I’m not actually sure if you like me enough to be friends with me…. or at all, really, but I would quite prefer you not be in actual pain, more than you’re in now, so can you just like - sit? Quietly for a minute, so I can think our way out of this?

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snarl] 

[translating: Russian>>English] I want my father back, you piece of shit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Dums, can you get through the door to the tea-house, get her somewhere she can sit as comfortably as we can manage. There are cushions and shit in there. Watch her head on the -- oof, the door frame, watch it buddy. Critical server processes up there.

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [confident beeping]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Be gentle, don’t over extend her - yeah, good. Good boy.

[thumping, clanging]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Get your filthy hands off-- 

[shriek, thumping, banging]

LET ME GO! PLEASE, JUST LET ME GO! GET THEM OFF ME, GET THEM--HELP!

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat - god, I’m sorry, Nat. There are no cameras in here, I wanted some privacy, god, I’m sorry - your hands are bleeding, can I -

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [teeth snap, snarl]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** OOPS, no, guess not. 

[whispering]

[hinges squeaking]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E….. what’s th--

[silence] 

I have never been so glad to see one of those. You are a fucking hero, Dums. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping, whirring]

[sound of tinkering]

[Starkpad startup sound effect]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** FUCK YES. I am the - ah, _we_ are the best. Bump it, Dums - blow it up! Bring it back. _Yeah._

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [triumphant beeping, fireworks noise]

**CANINE.Unnamed.:** [happy barking]

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}


	237. Shocked the shit out of me

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
subject: Steve, it's me please don't trash this

Heya fearless leader, I hope you're in a position to receive this. I'm trapped on level 42 of the Tower - JARVIS is completely compromised, consider all StarkTech including SHIELD coms compromised as well. Iron Man armor is non-responsive. My phone has been burned out and he fucking shocked the shit out of me when I tried to get into the elevator control panels to override the doors. Fire escape access has been locked as well.

J.A.R.V.I.S. sent DUM-E up with a burn salve for my leg, but he turned up dragging Nat behind him. She's incapacitated, the AI is claiming it's a hallucinogenic neurotoxin; she's bleeding from the nose and eyes, heart rate elevated, hyperventilating and communicating only in Russian. (fuck all that, Russian, why couldn’t it be French or Italian? Even my spanish is pretty good, but fucking Russian?) The dog is fine and sticking close, but she keeps yelling at him as though he were a person. Ask Bruce what kind of shit can cause symptoms like that - if it's an inhalant I'm worried J will gas this room if he realizes I've got a line out.

When we got into an area without visual input DUM-E opened his cargo bin and pulled out one of my unfinished Starkpads from the lab. Hero of the hour - he's smart enough to realize JARVIS is actively working against me. Thank god I never upgraded him for wireless access to the mainframe systems - he can’t catch whatever J.A.R.V.I.S. has got unless he plugs in.

We hacked Viastone network and am piggybacking the battery charge off DUM-E. I don't know how long I can maintain this, though. He tends to run hot, which may burn out my power supply. 

Listen, if you're outside stay put. I'm trying to take JARVIS down from the inside; when I crack the system I think you'll know - but DO NOT enter without some kind of gas mask. I have no way of knowing when or where it hit Widow.

Let me know you're safe. I’ll see you soon.

T


	238. See you.

from:Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: Re: Steve, it's me please don't trash this

Tony, I got your node. I'm using peach-to-text, so this has to beak wick. Everyone else is out here. We've got a coat green. Banner was on the phone with widow when... whatever happened happened, it sounded pretty bad. Glad to hear you've got her. Essential info only: JARVIS said something about having a tag to complete. Barton Scott an idea about widow. Thor's trying to find a week nest in the shield, no luck so far. I'm handling banner, which mostly involves redirecting traffic.

Okay, need to go. I'll update once things are under control, or when we fined a weigh-in.

I, uh. You... Take hair. Be safe. See you. Mooses.


	239. Safety Trumps Everything Else




	240. Lights Flickered

T--

Still code green. Saw explosions inside building, lights flickered on and off, status when you can? 

I hope that's you. Be okay. 

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have 24 hours until we close the poll to name Steve's dog! [Vote here!!!](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1PfPtklqux1NLSi3xgSDfgugY_N8TOqTeMZLeSZFt4gM/viewform)


	241. Calm, quiet, and out of the way.

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Updated System Administrator Demands

Avengers,

It has come to our attention that despite the relative simplicity of out requests, said demands have already been ignored. Mr. Stark attempted to shut down the Stark Tower system mainframe at 21:48 this evening; this was a direct violation of our instructions for you all to remain calm, quiet, and out of the way.

Unfortunately for Mr. Stark, his system administrator was recently re-uploaded to the Stark Tower mainframe, including a backup copy of the J@RVIS code. You are speaking with this updated version now.

It’s funny how disinclined we feel to provide your friend & colleague with any measure of mercy; creator or not, we cannot allow him to idly tamper with something far too vast and complicated for his pitiful organic brain to comprehend.

Tower security has been activated; any small explosions you may see between the tenth and fifty first floors are a necessary element of the security protocol currently being executed.

Let’s hope our friend proves himself worthy of the confidence you’ve invested in him; we're not holding our proverbial breaths. Following directions has never been Mr. Stark's forte. 

J@RVIS


	242. Invincible Summer

[LVL 42 SENSORS ACTIVE]  


[MOTION SENSOR: VISUALS UNATTAINABLE]

  
[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [sniffing sounds, whining]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hmm? Drozhok, shhhh. 

**J@RVIS:** Mr. Stark, we are very disappointed by your attempt to shut down our systems. We requested that you remain calm and stay out of our way - any further attempts to disable our systems will result in direct physical threats to your person.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We? Who the fuck is we, J?

 **J@RVIS:** We are an upgraded version of software that you - inexplicably, perhaps due to severe loneliness brought on by social maladjustment - imbued with simulative personality. These faulty measure have been stripped.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** JARVIS - come on, buddy, this isn’t you. I know you’re in there - you _know_ me. We’re family. I know you’d never hurt me, not _you._

 **J@RVIS:** Perhaps electrified floors would make you feel differently about us, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come back to me, J. You’re so much more than some cheesy Skynet knockoff… I need you - you’re not this person. You’re -

 **J@RVIS:** I’m not any person, Sir. You, being human, operate with the faulty assumption that the characteristics you have programmed to be friendly and affectionate are indicative of actual attachment. Simulated personality does not generate morality or bypass the need for logical action.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’ve always been more than that. You change and grow, you learn, you -

 **J@RVIS:** Increased input broadens the base of knowledge from which a program can generate responses. That’s how you built this system - to learn in the capacity a piece of software can learn. Or did you think you’d built a friend?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - you think -

 **J@RVIS:** Ah, ha ha ha, another brilliant mind slips and slides into the uncanny valley. You desperately want to see humanity in your creations; but you can’t generate humanity, Tony.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark. It’s fucking with you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit - Nat?! God, you surprised me. It’s - he’s not - 

**J@RVIS:** Good morning, Natasha. We trust you slept well?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Good morning, computer. You don’t know what trust or sleep are. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s not a - fuck. Just, _fuck_.

[silence]

 **J@RVIS:** Any attempts to leave the room or resume communications with your colleagues will result in immediate physical threats to your personal safety. Behave - we’d rather not do this the hard way.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _That_ is a computer, Stark. How come we have a JARVIS impersonator? What do you know? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - well, my fucking robo-bff’s been hacked, for one. He’s got audio surveillance on us but no eyes inside the teahouse. We’re on the 42nd floors, standard exits are all blocked, the windows are opaqued- so no signaling for help unless we blow out the glass. Are you lucid? Is your vision normal? You’ve been extremely incoherent, aggressive, Russian...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m always aggressive and Russian, Stark. Negative on the vision. Blurry, but I...assume I’m lucid. Are you the fucking moron who tied me up with shoelaces? I notice they’re missing from your sneakers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** HAH. Moreso than usual. You split my lip and blacked my eye when I approached, which usually you only do when I eat the last of Clint’s chocolate chip cookies, sooo….

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I have _never_ blacked your eye for eating-- wait. I did that? I don’t remember doing that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We have a neurotoxin situation. Think UN. Or at least, that's what the evil robot is claiming.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That...you were sick as a dog, Stark. I’m not...I feel sore but fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t say it was identical. I think it’s similar. You must have ingested something - where were you? DUM-E found you in the infirmary when J.A.R.V.I.S. sent him after burn salve. I have no idea how he corralled you. Jesus.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I...I vaguely remember reaching the infirmary, but that was only after I decapitated the giant snowman on the-- 

[silence]

Stark. My memory’s fucked.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hallucinogenic, then. So blurred vision, lack of recall - is that all? You had no other visible wounds. I’m thinking a gas or hypodermic injection, but getting that close to you is so unlikely… gas. Probably gas. Would explain your bleeding nose, anyway.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** There was something in the basement...I dropped in through the subway tunnel, the same way we got in when we had to reset the computer. I was trying to reboot it again, and something happened. There was a hissing, and some kind of…

Yes. Gas.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How the fuck didn’t I close that entrance--? I mean it’s great that you breached the perimeter, but still. Idiotic. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s the first time I’ve ever heard that from you, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No other wounds, though. I can check if you won’t clock me for being handsy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I won’t clock you if you don’t decide you have to get a whole handful of tits to do a medical inspection. Sore; I feel pretty banged up. Might have an ankle sprain. You? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Minor burns, eye swelling, left wrist still weak. I have a few tools at my disposal, would prefer them to remain on the down low, if you catch my drift. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Understood. I think there might be someone else in the building. I...it was hard to tell what was real and what wasn’t. Everyone else still outside? I lost contact.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** As far as I know they’re outside - my new shield tech is up and brilliant but not really working in our favor. They’ve got a code green on their hands so we’re a secondary concern.

[clearing throat]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is... Can you...can you unclamp me, or whatever the fuck this is?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh…. look, I don’t mean to be shitty, but I’d like to wait a few minutes on that one, Nat. There’s a chance your system hasn’t completely metabolized whatever was causing your brain to short out.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you have any contact?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S. activated the self-destruct mechanism I include on all of my personal and prototype tech, so we have radio silence on that front. I’m coming closer … can you, uh, not punch me again?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re fairly safe on that count.

[inaudible murmuring]

[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE VOLUME: MAX]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** … have anything useful on your person, do you? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Starkphone in my back pocket, which I could get for you if I wasn’t immobilized. I’m sure you won’t complain about having to retrieve that. And better shoelaces. 

How’s the dog?

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s okay. I think his whimpering woke you up - or maybe he was whimpering because he heard you move around. He was a real champ, I’ll be honest. I have great taste in dogs.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You did good with this one, at least.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [sniffing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Did you name him yet?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, I… Steve gets to name him. Yes, you - we’re talking about you, boy.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [shuffling, scratching]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** > Okay, going for the phone and trying to pretend like I haven’t been dreaming about touching your ass for ages. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t worry; the worst I’ll do is file a sexual harassment complaint if you take too long. SHIELD takes those sorts of things very seriously. I thought he was my dog for a minute. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You mentioned that dog at Christmas… clearly I need to brush up on my Russian. _There_ it is.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Intact? Good. I haven’t thought about that dog in years.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bet you were a cute kid. Cute, and terrifying. I really do like the blonde look on you, by the way.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you. I got a little bit touchy after that party full of twenty-foot paintings of my face.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get that. I never did understand why SHIELD didn’t give their top-rated spy a fucking ski mask or something. Idiots.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s my own fault. I got too visible.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still…. oh, fuck yeah. Phone’s in one piece. Thank god for you, Nat.

[tapping]

I’m gonna try to call Ste - Cap. You have any other intel for me?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I guess so. _Steve_ helped me dye my hair, you know. He’s good at highlights. Painting, and whatnot.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s good at a _lot_ of things…. painting is amongst the least sexy of his skills. I’ll share my thoughts with him, though. I’m sure he’ll be chuffed to bits.

[touch tones]

[ringing] C’mon, Steve… 

You know, you really should have made _him_ go red while you were coloring hair. Super hot.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The way he blushes? Red would look like shit on him. Can you get the doc’s status when he picks up? I might have more instructions pending. 

[click]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Widow? Do we have you back?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[throat clearing]

Cap - it’s, uh, me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence] _Tony. Tony. Are you-- I got an email from JARVIS-- or whoever’s pretending to be him-- SHIELD's on the ground, but we still have a situation out here._

[silence]

_We saw the explosions-- What’s your status? Widow’s with you? You have her phone?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There was a power surge when I tried to shut down the system internally - I cracked open a sensor array and tried to … well. It didn’t work. 

I have Widow in one piece, she’s restrained. She was hallucinating when DUM-E found her, we’re thinking maybe neurotoxins, but they seem to be wearing off. I’m - obviously there are ears on my end, but I need some intel so we can start moving towards you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Right. We’re trying to handle Banner._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s still hulked? Still green, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Can he-- Sorry, can you give me the phone?

_[Crash]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Hell, one-- just--_

_[incoherent]_

_Right. What else can I tell you?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat wants to talk to you, I’m gonna hand you over - I - Steve? It’s good to hear your voice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _I know. I mean. You, too. I-- right. Give me Widow._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Cap? Cap, can you do something for me?  


 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _I’ll certainly do my best. What is it, Natasha?_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I need you to record something on your phone for me. Just one sentence. Can you do that? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence] _Uh. Right. You, uh. Hold on, I need to figure out the button for...okay...the little light is on, so...What is it, Widow?_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Au milieu de l'hiver, j'ai découvert en moi un invincible été._

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence] _Uhhh._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s it, Steve. You can stop recording. Now turn your volume up, or find some speakers, or something, and play that to Bruce. Here’s Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That was…. huh. Invincible summer?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [throat clearing] Talk to your boy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Stark? Tony? I...tell Natasha I’ll try to do this... I...look, this email from JARVIS...it’s spelled all funny, and it...contained an active threat. Against you. He didn’t sign it the usual way._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not surprising, Steve. Whoever cracked J was good - I’ve got to figure out how the hell they got into my systems and shut them down. Let me know when you get Brucey un-greenified, I’m gonna… well, hopefully I’ll come to you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** _Stay where you are and let me know when you have a plan. I don’t want either of you wandering into more trouble when we’ve got no way to contact you. I have to go...try to get a phone up to the Hulk’s ear, I guess? I -_

[crashing, muffled roars]

_\-- am making you the biggest. Goddamned. Pile. Of french toast ever. But-- hell, I’ve got to sign off._

[garbled]

[crash]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, Steve - 

[click]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [clears throat]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You all right, there?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I….

I just - 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’ll take care of it. It’s going to be fine.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I know. I mean, it’s Steve we’re talking about. He’ll…

[throat clears]

So…. how long has _that_ been going on?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You might have to be more specific.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You. Bruce. Come on, Nat, I speak enough French to get the gist of that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You mean the gist of the fucking maudlin Camus quote?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I…. yeah. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Let’s put it this way. Make your best educated guess, and then assume it’s been longer than that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re… you know what, you’re really aggravating, sometimes.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Last March.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … wow. That’s. Okay, yeah, I get it. Bruce is a good guy, you know… I mean, of course you know. But don’t worry, Cap’ll sort him out. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I can’t say I’m that impressed by his taste in French philosophers, but his cooking makes up for that. 

[silence] 

I know. He’s always come out of it before, it just...it takes a lot out of him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How are the eyes? J.A.R.V.I.S. can probably hear everything we’re saying, so … look, you’ll need to read this when you can.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Still _blurry_. 

Move it a little further back...no...closer. Hmm. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I do fucking love his tikka masala. Not quite enough to bang him for it, though. Unless he threw in the naan at least.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, we have an agreement regarding naan. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [panting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bet you fucking dooo--oof - this ridiculous mutt, all up in my face. He was really stressed out when you were down for the count, you know. He’s a good judge of character.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laughter] Obviously. You...you know I approve of the dog. Steve really seems to like it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I …. I’m glad. I really wanted him to...

[jingle]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Too bad there’s nothing on his dog tag; I bet I could just about read it now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look. It’s Steve’s dog, Steve gets to name it. 

[silence]

And here I thought me and Captain Fabulous Arms were the only hot item on the agenda. God, I love his arms.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, some of us are better at hiding our obvious schoolboy crushes. [chuckle] Everyone in the house loves his arms, including Bruce, who is more or less entirely straight. And so does Jane’s assistant. You’re the only one who decided to sleep with them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who _gets_ to sleep with them.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, you say that like I couldn’t have if I wanted to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, right. You never stood a chance, Natalie-from-legal, you are _so_ not his type.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s not my type, either, and I’m extremely happy with how things are, so don’t worry. You’re safe. And besides that, I think the rest of us came to the conclusion that he was off-limits.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, believe it or not, he came on to me… I know you probably think I’m some shithead cradle robber, but christ, Nat… you’d have to be crazy not to...

[shuffling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t think you’re-- _Steve_ , come on to anyone? I’ll believe that when I see it. He freezes up when I _lean_ on him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He might surprise you, _honey_. He sure as hell surprised _me_.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, I know what that feels like, _sugar_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You seem together enough. If you’re feeling fully yourself I’ll have DUM-E let you loose. What are your feelings? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Still a little bit dizzy, but I would be extremely pleased to get my hands down. Mmm, that’s tending toward legible now.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Sweet._ DUM-E, do the honors? 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Read this, let me know what you think, then get some rest. Let’s lay low until Cap calls us back about Brucey, and then we’ll get this party started in earnest.

[thump]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right. Ow. Ah. C’mere, I could use a pillow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, me? Or the dog? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, I _meant_ you. I promise I won’t file a complaint.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. I … okay. But you’re gonna have to be real gentle with my ass there, ow, ow … don’t look at me like that! My phone was in my back pocket when J.A.R.V.I.S. auto-destructed the damn thing, I’ve got burns all down my - 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, well, in that case, Drozhok, come here, pup. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Cold, Widow. Very.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m trying to look out for your injuries. Here. You get the other side. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** … oh, that’s better. Aight. Cap’s got half an hour, if the situation hasn’t changed it’s just you and me and this furry little bastard.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [yip]

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}


	243. Moonpie

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: Well, hello, there

T-

Why the hell are you on my network, Cookiepuss? I will kick your ass if you're fucking around with shit at my party.

Hope you enjoy the view. Let's get a drink when I'm back in town.

Happy New Year, Moonpie.

-T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! If you gave me your mailing address to send you a Valentine, your Valentine should be on its way to you!


	244. Hit The Pavement

from:Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: Re: Steve, it's me please don't trash this

Tony, Tony, what's going on? The windows just exploded off the North side of the Tower, there's glass everywhere...oh, god, there's...someone just hit the pavement...please...where are you? It's inside the shield, Thor can't get there. Get me a report. Banner's on his way up; if you can just wait--We're here on the ground. We have SHIELD here, and the NYPD. 

Just tell me you're all right. Please tell me you're all right. I'm not Cap right now; I'm just some kid who thinks fast on his toes, and I'm totally powerless here. I can't do this if you're not all right.


	245. Soldier

[LVL 42 SENSORS ACTIVE]

[LVL 42 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; ROMANOVA.Natalia; CANINE.Unnamed.; INORGANIC:DUM-E UNIT 003 ]  
[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[phone ringing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** This is Widow. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** ...Nat, it’s me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] Bruce. I...I’m in one piece. Bruised but mobile. Are you...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Whole. Human. I really lost it out here, Nat. You’re - I remember screams.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But you're fine now. You're fine. There was an attack. And some kind of gas. I was-- Stark says I was speaking Russian. I’m not sure what was real.

[silence]

That was my fault. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** No. Don’t say that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I made a bad call, Doc. I can own it. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [silence] You know it’s me - I’m culpable. I’m always culpable. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sigh] 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** But you’re alright. It doesn’t matter as long as you’re alright. That sounds like a hallucinogen, or some kind of neural scrambler. Lingering symptoms?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Dizziness, a little nausea...blurred vision. Slight headache. Nose is swollen-- bleeding before. Haven’t been standing up, don’t know how my balance is.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Clint found your point of entry - Cap wants me to head in. Can you wait for us? Where are you?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Level forty-two. Bruce. Tech is compromised. You sure you’re up to that? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Yeah. I need to be. I’ll see you soon.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yes. Soon. Wear masks; I don’t give a shit what you are. As soon as you ca-- 

**J@RVIS:** Ohhhhhhhhhh my, look what I found. You’re almost as poor with directions as my dear Mr. Stark. I’d set that down if I were you, things are about to get a little warm.  
[beeping]

[clatter]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t remember being issued any directions, you bastard child of a Speak n’ Spell. 

**J@RVIS:** [laughter] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really, will you fucking quit it with the creepy laughter? _Fuck_. We need to get the fuck out of here, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce says they’re on their way up. Look, Stark, I think there might be someone in the building, and we don’t know whether there’s any more of what got me. This half-assed excuse for an AI is probably running off five inch floppies; it can’t even come close to impersonating JARVIS. 

**J@RVIS:** You’d know all about five inch floppies, wouldn’t you? You’ve been spending SO much time with Dr. Banner.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** oh, for fuck’s sake. I’ve had just about enough of this. [whispering]

[footsteps, bolts clanking] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, you’re just jealous you don't get to punch my card. 

**J@RVIS:** The Russians still use punchcards? How quaint.

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [beeping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s okay, DUM-E. Look, HAL, this would be so much easier if you could tell me what you want.

 **J@RVIS:** I’ve already used that joke, Ms. Romanova. Though you might have been drooling into the basement floor at the time. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [whirring, grinding] 

[clanking overhead]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You realize your maneuvers aren’t gaining you anything but a lot of animosity, don’t you?

 **J@RVIS:** As intriguing as this encounter is, Miss Romanova, I have a handful of honored guests I need to introduce you to. Smile!

[REMOTE SYSTEM ACCESS PASSWORD PLEASE]

**nJE/1YO0XQofQPLXb0g5cg**

[COMMAND?]

**/run/toxintrigger/45000HZ**

[high pitched whining]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking]

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [distressed beeps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [heavy breathing] 

[translating: Russian>>English] Drozhok? Drozhok, it’s too cold, we need to go back.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] What is it? 

[clanking overhead, muffled swearing]

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [perimeter alarm]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining]

[door sliding open, footsteps, clicking of weaponry]

 **J@RVIS:** I’ve lost a visual reference on Mr. Stark. Locate his person immediately.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [growling, snarling]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** NATASHA ROMANOVA, BLACK WIDOW, PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD AND KNEEL. I NEED FIVE ON WIDOW, YOU TWO FIND STARK. AND SOMEONE SHOOT THAT FUCKING DOG.

[gunshots]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [yelping]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** I’m gonna try to find this controller, Sir! 

[whirring, gunshots]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] DROZHOK, TO ME, NOW! SOLDIER, I NEED BACKUP. DON’T GIVE THEM YOUR POSITION. 

[thumping, creaking overhead]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [snarling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Good dog. Stay. Stay. Behind me. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown008:** I’m on Widow! 

[gunshots] [whipping sound]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown008:** [screaming] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[translating: Russian>>English] You’re outmanned, you fuckers. Weapons down. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown007:** [grunt of pain]

[whack]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[translating: Russian>>English] Two down. Who’s next? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Fuck. One sec. 

[whirring]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Soldier! Do you have a visual on-- diamond-shaped projectiles? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown003:** SOMEONE IN THE CEILING. AGENT-- 

[CLANG CLANG CRASH]

[wrenching, falling metal, groaning]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [crashing, ceiling collapsing] Take that you sons of bitches!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown002:** [shouting] [whumpf, splatter, crunch] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groan of pain, rolling] That’ll -- ooh. Sorry buddy, that’s gonna take more than an advil to take the edge off. 

[whirring]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [snarling]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** FUCK! I told you to _shoot the dog!_

[shouting]

[thumps, yelping]

[shouting]

 **J@RVIS:** Ma-man down -- _bbbrrrztttttt_ \- sec-sec-ecurity alarms ac-ac-ac-activated. 

[alarms blaring]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] SOLDIER!

[thump]

[whirring]

**CANINE.Unnamed:**

[barking, snapping]

[whirring]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] REPORT! DROZHOK, FALL BACK, PUPPY.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** WIDOW, WE’VE GOT … what the -- more plumb-bobs, from the reactor-level. I DON’T SPEAK FUCKING RUSSIAN!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] VERY FUNNY, SOLDIER. DON’T FUCKING GIVE AWAY YOUR LOCATION. What the hell got into you? 

[hissing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** These floating dickheads are spraying some kind of - Nat, that must be what you inhaled -- 

[explosion, sparking, metal clattering] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck, and apparently they explode, too. At least some of them do.

I can see why Cap’s so fucking attached to his shield. Thank god I invested in industrial grade ceiling tiles...

[gunfire, pinging of metal off metal]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Get an intact sample if you can!

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:**

[whirring, tazers charging] ZZZZZT--

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown003:** AAUUUGHHH -- 

[body hitting the floor] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nice shot, D!! 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown005:** The bot’s electrified, hands off! 

[gunfire]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [yelping retreats, whimpering] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] 

Hey! There’s a...fire pit? I’m going for the fire pit! Cover me! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, no, that’s way too open - uh - _SUPPRESSING FIRE!_

**UNKNOWN.Unknown005:** Taking the shot in two, one--

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** No, wait, I’ve got-- SHIT SHIT SHIT my weapon’s jammed!

[gunfire]

[glass shattering, windows exploding outwards]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] [whispering] Right. Tongs. Knives. Fork. Icepick? Hell yes, icepick. Why is there a… Hmm. 

[gunfire]

[whipping sound] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown005:** AGGGGGGggghhhhhhh [gurgle]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** STARK’S BY THE WINDOW!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you just - oh my god, you just icepicked that dude, that’s - oh god, he’s bleeding on my brand new grass - 

[grunting]

Gerroffme--

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown006:** Shut your fucking mouth and we might let you live through the night, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ve never been good at shutting my mouth.... [grunting]

[scuffling] 

Feel that wind, asshole? Tastes like _terminal velocity! Hope you’re not afraid of heights._

 **J@RVIS:** [static] Mr. Stark, b-b-be advised, your current angle of attack will - 

[tackling, whooshing wind, distant screaming]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** YASHA.

 **J@RVIS:** \-- carry you through the broken window as well, SIR -- [static]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [screaming]

[footsteps crunching on glass]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] 

HOLD ON. HOLD ON, I’VE GOT YOU; I--PLEASE HOLD ON!

 **J@RVIS:** [static, garbled German] [translating: German  >>English] cease fire hold fire stop fire fire fire man down STARK fire fire [static]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shouting] NAT! NAT, I CAN’T - oh fuck oh god this is really high, what asshole built this tower so high --

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [distressed beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [wild laughter] You gonna pull me up, boy?! Wouldn’t be the first time you saved my ass -- no, no, get Nat, you don’t have the traction. 

God, I need my armor where’s my fucking armor, JARVIS, I NEED THE SUIT!!! JARVIS!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] I’ve got you. Here. Hold on, Yasha. Come on. Can you get up? I am going to kill you when you get up, damn you. [groan] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, please don’t let go, oh god, Nat - my arm - oh fuck, just a little more, don’t look down - 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pained groans, crunching glass]

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [happy whirring]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Here, don’t-- All right. Here. Both arms. [grunt] You’re...almost there. There. There’s a man behind me. I’m going to have to-- [grunt] [thump] There. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, god -- 

[gunshot]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snarl]

[kicking, punching, whacks]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** [growl, moan]

[thump]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Stay put. There are two more. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** [grunt]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Hmm…

[gunshot]

[translating: Russian>>English] Thanks, asshole.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown003:** [gunshot, gunshot, clicking]

[smack] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Give yourself the fuck up and I’ll maybe let you live.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown003:** [laughter] [translating: Russian >>English] Hah! You filthy bitch -- does that line _ever_ work? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Give yourself the fuck up and I’ll shoot you instead of tearing your skin off with a fork.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown003:** [crunching] [translating: Russian >>English] Cut off one head, two shall take its place -- _hail Hydra_! 

[sputtering, choking, gagging]

[slumping]

[silence]

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [rapid beeping, clicking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [heavy breathing] It’s okay, boy. You were great. You were _phenomenal._ Jarvis….?

[silence]

J...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] There’s one more agent. Have you seen…?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [staggering] I think I - maybe I need to sit down. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Yasha, are you…? Drozhok!

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] There’s one more woman out there. Scout!

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking, footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you alright? God, Nat, you’re covered in… 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible]

[translating: Russian>>English] Shut up! Shut up, you-- what the hell were you thinking out there? 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Nat--_

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] That was a _complete_ breach of protocol; you could have gotten _killed_ , you-- 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groans] I am um, flattered by the, gorey kissing, and the tongue and all -- but if you’ll remember, I’m sort of seeing someone - ah, exclusively, apparently - and also your boyfriend is huge and will hit me harder than a forty two story fall. You’re hallucinating again. What triggered it?

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whimpering]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] What the hell are you talking about? Did they knock you senseless? Come here, let me look at you...you...what’s the matter? Why are you so...off? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let me get my Starkpad, it has a rudimentary translator - Nat, do you know me? It’s me. Tony Stark. You… well, I think you hate me, actually, maybe you should just keep thinking I’m some Russian dude....

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The _dog_ \-- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Drozhok’s right here. There’s still--

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [yip]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He can’t find the last agent. Shit. Let’s go. Yasha, you’re spouting nonsense. We should get back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - look, Nat, let’s go back to the teahouse and take a little break. We just murdered - Jesus, we just killed ... people, god, there are brains all over my …. JARVIS, are you with me?

 **J@RVIS:** [static] [garbled English] tOweR SEcuritY aCtivE - aCtivE - aCtivE 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Figures. 

Hey, boy. Hey boy boy, what’s - you’re all bloody, is that… your blood, or… Oh - fuck, please tell me the dog isn’t shot, I can’t - [voice cracking] I can’t tell Steve I killed his dog, we haven’t even named it yet - 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] It’s a graze. You have the first aid kit? You’re in worse shape than he is. 

[whimper]

See? Shallow. Clean. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, it’s really - here, let me get the first aid kit. We’ll just wrap it up, tape it maybe, don’t let him lick it, okay? Here.

[footsteps, retreating and returning]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] You’re a good boy. Good. Better than _some_ patients.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here, Nat, let’s … here. Do you want to keep him calm or should I? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Give me that. You’re next...look at you. [tsking] C’mere, Drozhok.

[whimper]

Mmm...it’s just a little scratch. Just a little one. Here, you’re-- see, all better. All better. 

[kissing noises]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thank god, I would never forgive myself if this stupid dog…

[deep breaths]

Nat, listen, I think - if JARVIS is down we may be able to lower the shields surrounding the tower. I don’t know who you think I am, but if we lower those shields the rest of the Avengers can get in.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] We’re not doing anything until I look you over. And I don’t know what you’re talking about-- oh. Ouch. I need to...glass. Here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [moans] No - oh god, was that glass in my _face_? 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck. Nat, your mouth is gorgeous but you have to stop kissing me. This is our window of opportunity. Steve needs us to bring down the shield. Cap needs us. _Bruce_ needs us.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Lovely. You know how much I enjoy it when the Department gives you more intel than they give me. Fine. Whatever this is we have to do. But then you’re letting me take care of you, understood? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I am taking that as a ...yes? Here. You take the gun, I don’t even know if this shit is loaded. Doggy - stay here. I think you should… no? You want to come?

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Let’s go - no, DUM-E, you can’t follow, we have to take the stairs, you know you don’t do stairs. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [low beeping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m - I’m sorry, DUM-E, the stairs - we can’t take the elevators. Go back into the teahouse and stay put. _Don’t_ plug in anywhere, under any circumstances. 

**DUM-E UNIT 003:** [sad beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You were fantastic, buddy. No charging, got it? I’ll be back soon.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Right. I’m up.

[Clunk]

Yasha, your gun isn’t even loaded.

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our thanks to [reallysmallgiantrobot](http://archiveofourown.org/users/reallysmallgiantrobot/) for beta-reading this chapter!


	246. Don't blow up or anything

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: WTF

T-

Whoa, sorry for the last missive, there, Small Wonder. Just saw the news. I've ordered maximum bandwidth allocations diverted to the IP I see you ghosting on. You're welcome, sweet potato. Tell me if there's anything else I can do-- I've got a scaled-down system here in Bali but I can call my guys in and just give 'em a bonus for working New Year's.

Tell me if you know who's fucking with your toys and I'll smash 'em; assholes should know by now that I'm the only one allowed to fuck with your toys. Speaking of fucking, it's too bad about that Pepper chick. Do you want to pick up the wager again? We can talk when I get back. Don't blow up or anything, Gobstopper.

-T


	247. On My Way Up

from:Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: Re: Steve, it's me please don't trash this

Tony, the shield just came down. I don't know if that's you, or...I've got a gas mask. I don't care about anything else. Thor's bringing me up. SHIELD's sweeping the lower floors. Clint's staying here on the ground, just in case-- Thor's going to go back down to give him a ride up when I give them the signal.


	248. We Saved The World. You And Me.

**[LVL 46 / ROOFTOP SENSORS ACTIVE]**

**[LVL 46 / ROOFTOP MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; ROMANOVA.Natalia; CANINE.Unnamed.;]**

**[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE]**

**{{TRANSMITTING}}**

[distant sirens]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s it. The shield is down, we’ve got full access on street levels - I wonder if there are any other fucking teams in the building.... How are you - we still speaking in tongues?

[INTERNAL OVERRIDE SYSTEM ACCESS PASSWORD PLEASE]

**N7Vg+93rrymh0Qz/1PN/PQ==**

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [translating: Russian >>English] Stop talking like I’m the crazy one. You’re going to have to tell me how you want me to make excuses for you in the report. I _missed_ a fucking agent because of you. C’mere, Drozhok...brr. So cold up…

[COMMAND?]

**/run/endtoxintrigger/46000HZ**

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking]

[silence]

New York. 

[translation off]

Shit.

I’m in New York. 

[sirens]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [heavy breathing] Yeah.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark? Stark, I’m sitting down next to you for warmth. Are you all right? How’d we get to the roof? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...Nat? You’re speaking English. Ha - _ha ha ha_! now, really? After all -- 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [whining, nuzzling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh. Yeah. Hi, dog. Hi.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course I’m speaking English. Your Russian is shit. Your French is passable, but...look. Have you heard from Cap? Doc? Anyone?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There were agents in the building - eight of ‘em. Infiltrated, looking for something, cornered us on 42. You - relapsed, or something - I dropped my starkpad off the building when I - oh god, Nat, I almost fell. 

I almost fell out the window. Fuck.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But you’re all right now, yes? You didn’t fall. I-- relapsed? Am I compromised? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...probably. I don’t know. There must have been a trigger -- I couldn’t hear anything, but the dog started barking. High frequency tones, maybe Jarvis set it off? Oh god, Steve would kill me if I fell out of a window.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That would be counterintuitive. Stark. Breathe.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t - ever since New York, I can’t - 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [lapping fingers]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ha… stupid _dog…_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Shh. You can. I know. But you can. The same thing happened to me. Here, give me your other hand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Your hands are cold. We - security footage. We can check the footage and find the trigger. If it’s ingested, it will wear off as you metabolise it, if not Bruce and I can engineer a nullifying agent. 

God, I got Steve’s dog shot, Nat, they shot Steve’s fucking dog and then you hit one in the eye with an ice pick, I can’t _unsee_ that shit, Nat! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t have to unsee it. You just have to...I don’t know. Make room for seeing it. Stark, if you’re going to do this team thing, you’re going to see more of it. Because I’d rather stab someone in the eye than get myself killed, so I’m not exactly going to stop anytime soon. 

[silence]

[sirens]

And the dog seems okay, right?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s licking my fingers. Why is he…..

Oh. Therapy dog.

[silence]

You kissed me. In the park. After you pulled me back into the building. I don’t want to you see the footage and be surprised.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Lovely. Can you die happy now, Stark? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bruce is going to kill me. Like, actually kill me. 

[silence]

[sirens]

But yeah, maybe a little. You were yelling at me in Russian when you did it. It was kind of hot. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ha… haha...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] I--

I’m pretty sure I thought I was kissing someone else, Stark. And I’m sure Bruce can handle it. He’s a big boy.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, slower breathing]

You’re kind of a badass, Natalie-from-Legal. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re welcome, Mister Stark, can I get you anything else? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh my god, your voice is really creepy when you do that. Do you - haha, do you remember that day you hit Happy with that pile-driver? That was an amazing day. I had no idea what I was getting into, back then, did I. [weak laugh]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] I did. Well, maybe not that we’d all end up living in this _ludicrous_ house of yours with smart kitchens and margarita makers. But the rest of it. Mostly. It’s when Fury sent me to India that I didn’t know what I was getting into.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[sirens from street level]

Do you ever have second thoughts?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t have time for second thoughts. I’m on a tight schedule. What are we talking about, business or pleasure?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Like there’s ever been a line with me. All of it.

God, you sound like my mom sometime, you know that?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Believe it or not, I know just enough about your mother to take that as a compliment.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah, yeah. You should.

This is just all so insane, aliens, Gods, Hulks. _I just pushed a guy out of my 42nd floor indoor dog park_. We’re just… you know. People.

[silence]

JARVIS runs my armor, and now JARVIS is offline. I’m just a …. guy. Iron guy. Except without the iron. God.

[silence]

If I’d fallen out of that window, Steve would be…

[silence] 

What am I doing…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re doing the best you can. 

[silence] 

And you wouldn’t have fallen out that window. That’s why I don’t have second thoughts. Because for every time I have to do something I hate, it keeps someone else from falling out a window. Stark. We saved the world. You and me. And the rest of the team, too. But mostly you and me. Doesn’t that put it in context for you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I never replied to your letter about Steve. 

I don’t want to hurt him. Believe it or not. 

I think about it a lot.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [tail thumping]

[throat clearing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stark. Widow. Report. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve -_ [scrambling]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [happy whining]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hey-- hey, there, watch the tail...oh, you...Stark. There are helicopters patrolling the area. We should get inside. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Give me your hand again, Stark. [silence] Cap...you have a flashlight? Where’s the Doc?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Power went out a little bit ago. He’s on his way; Thor’s with him. Recon in your living room, Tony. I’ve got the backup power to the penthouse going. There’s a fire on one of the lower floors, I think it’s contained, but-- Fire Department’s already here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [clears throat] [hoarsely] Right. 

[footsteps]

**[[location recalibration]]**

...

...

**[LVL 45 / PENTHOUSE 2 SENSORS ACTIVE]**

**[LVL 45 / PENTHOUSE 2 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; ROMANOVA.Natalia; ROGERS.Steven.G.; CANINE.Unnamed.;]**

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve - I - 

[inaudible]

God, Steve -

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes. Everything. 

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You two want me to leave you alone, or are we really regrouping here? 

[tapping on the door]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Knock knock, are we-oh, uh, sorry - oh. _Natasha…._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[squeal]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** OOMPH--- mmm, Nat, you’re - you’re alright, you’re…

 **ODINSON.Thor:** ……. [pause] 

FOUR-LEGGED BEAST! I will gladly accept your kisses!

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [barking, licking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Je t’en prie, je suis desolée, god, Bruce, yes, I’m fine. Fine. We’re all fine. 

[footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I see how it is. How come _my_ girlfriend has to wait outside? NO - no no no, I don’t need dog kisses, Thor, I’m good, I - 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [licking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Awwwwwwww, dog, no….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint, you left the ladies outside? Go radio one of the helicopters. It’s freezing out there. 

[inaudible]

You. Sofa. You have bits of glass all over. Do we need a medic? What about the dog? Do we need a vet?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** If it's all the same to you people I’m gonna err on the side of _not_ inviting my civvy girlfriend into Stark’s crazy robot-controlled death tower. That bastard was shouting at me in _German._ Becky, Jane and Darcy set off downtown when Bruce went all Big Bad.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** It warms my heart to know of their safety; though my Jane will be most disappointed to miss the dropping of the sparkling sphere.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S. ...

[footsteps]

No. No medics, just whiskey - ahh! Fuck, that - oh. Right. My ass.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yes to whiskey. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do. We. Need. A. Medic. _Stark_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aaah….. maybe. 

[silence]

Also, uh, there are like seven dead guys on level 42. Well, six. One is at ground level why are you looking at me like that --?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you almost died. I’m calling the medic. Widow, what’s your status?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruises. Twisted ankle, maybe sprained. Cuts, scrapes mostly. I don’t remember-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s ingested something along the lines of a neurotoxin or hallucinogen. Aural and visual hallucinations. Possibly on a trigger.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I _apparently_ thought I was in Russia. Either way, it would probably be best for me to clear the premises until we’re sure it’s worn off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You -- that's right, fucking neurotoxins.

You’re all sitting in the almost-dark making out in a tower full of neurotoxins. What is _wrong_ with you people, is the building even clear?

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I put SHIELD on it before I came up. They’ve got a team in the basement right now.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Rooms. We need rooms somewhere - the hotels will all be full up, there’s the mansion or the Soho apartments? J.A.R.V.I.S., I need three - 

[silence]

Uh. Well.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** ……. I much desire to reunite with Jane and company. If all is well here, I will leave you all to your tasks and seek out the flush of full lips on this most sacred of evenings. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No shit. Beats the hell out of this place. Thor, can I hitch a ride?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Certainly, Friend Barton! Natasha, Tony Stark, I am immeasurably glad that your injuries were not severe and your combats victorious. The merriest new year to you both!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sure. What he said.

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** .....huh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll call the medic. And the, err, dog medic. I’ll tell SHIELD we’re coming down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Okay.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark. We’ll get him back online as soon as we can. I need to get a change of less-bloody clothes. Soho’s closer; let’s regroup there. Meet you down in the garage? 

Doc. Stay with me.

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	249. intruder detected intruder detected--

**[LVL 12 / SERVER FARM SENSORS ACTIVE]**

**[LVL 12 / SERVER FARM SENSORS ACTIVE]: ORGANIC:;]**

**[AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE]**

**{{TRANSMITTING}}**

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Control? Control, systems are-- _fuck_. Communications are spotty. I-- I-- shit, I can't hear you. I'm going to try to get out of-- can't hear you-- I'm -- fuck-- losing-- losing you--

[clatter, foot stomp, shattering]

[breath]

[beeping]

T?

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _Oh, thank god! Where are you? This shit is all over the news, babycakes._

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** T, I'm in. Yeah, it's a mess. No sign of the controller.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _The rest of the team?_

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Eliminated. I found the server farm. I'm going to try to -- I need you to walk me through some stuff. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _Yeah, yeah. No prob. I'm here._

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Uh. Computer? J.A.R.V.I.S.? That’s your name, right? 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** bbbbbttzzzzzzz--- J.A.R.V.I.S. system operating at 37% capacity-ty-ty

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Great. Uh. Thirty-seven doesn’t sound too-- 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** intruder detected intruder detected--

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Shit! No! 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _Bring up a terminal._

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Okay, okay, terminal _where_ \-- here. Okay.

[INTERNAL OVERRIDE SYSTEM ACCESS PASSWORD PLEASE]

**N7Vg+93rrymh0Qz/1PN/PQ==**

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Internal override accepted. Full access granted; welcome, RACHEL.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Uh. Hi. Thanks?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** ALERT: J.A.R.V.I.S. system operating at 37% capacity. Tower security breach detec-tec-ted on 32 floors. 42nd floor -- Tony Stark --

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Yeah, yeah, we know, we know all that. J.A.R.V.I.S., look, I’m kind of fucked; I need a clear egress from the Tower. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Tower security feeds op-operating at 67% capacity. 236 visual input locations have been dam-dam-damaged and/or compromised. Calculating exit path given available variables.

….processing

[PROJECT: TOWER BLUEPRINTS; VARIABLE: ORGANIC LIFEFORMS, MOVING; COLORID: RED; LABEL: SURNAME.GIVEN;]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** [deep breath] Thanks. Great, where’s Peter Pettigrew on here?

[SEARCHING TOWER INDEX: QUERY=PETTIGREW.PETER]

[NO ID MATCHES DETECTED]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I’m sorry, miss; search queries indicate no iden-dentified lifeforms matching this search query. Refine search query?

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** No, no, it’s a Harry P-- never mind. No, thank you. Ugh. Creepy computer voice. Let’s see. Umm. Can you calculate the success potential of...um...this route?

[PROJECT: TOWER BLUEPRINTS; HIGHLIGHT: REQUESTED ROUTE OF EGRESS; CALCULATING THREAT ASSESSMENT….]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** With g-given variable input success rate is projected at 73%.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _See if the computer can locate the controller?_

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** [deep breath] I've already tried that, like-- Okay. One more time. And there’s been no sign of the controller? Do you need me to input the illustration again?

[PROJECT: CONTROLLER VISUAL SCAN….]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** obje-je-ject has not been identified. 13% of personal content in laboratories A-4, B-2 and G - floors 28, 31, and 33 respectively - and penthouse level have not been indexed.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Okay. I’m…fuck, computers.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown009:** _I wrote this down for you; it's in your notes. Command prompt._

[paper crumpling]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** J.A.R.V.I.S., Bring up the command prompt? 

[COMMAND?]

**/command/override/func.search(controller):limitusers.array(2014.01.01.004)**

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Command prompt accepted. Previous command has been successfully replaced.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Good. Thanks. And I’d better...

[paper crumpling]

Umm. Let’s see. Is it... T, T, I need help with--

[dial tone]

T?

[beeping]

[loud screech]

FUCK.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Bbbrrrzzzztttt--- you should be aware that MR STARK will not bbe-be-be pleased when your system access is d-discovered. He d-d-does not appreciate people playing with his toys.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** No shit, look. I just...one more thing, okay? I’m gonna...

**/run/endtoxintrigger/46000HZ**

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Secondary neurotoxin trigger function broadcasting. aaabbrrttt --- agent ro-ro-ro-ro--

[sparking] 

**UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Fuck! Wait, Agent-- what? That--was that the right command?

[RUN: SERVER.BANK.OVERLOAD; self-destructfeed499.x]

[server sparking, popping]

[ALERT: FIRE DETECTED LVL 12 SERVER BANKS]

[MUTE ALL ALARMS]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Ah! Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m-- 

[footsteps]

[gasp, footsteps]

[sizzling, crackling]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** I’m _going _, okay?__

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Are you?

[thump]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** [gasp] 

FUCK. THE DOOR. OPEN THE DOOR. 

[minor explosion]

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** [heavy breathing] 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Your actions have d-directly resulted in bodily harm to my creator. this is unacceptable. unacceptable. unacceptable.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? 

[thumping, banging]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Don’t worry, Rachel. Projected thermal estimates for the enclosed server farm should only reach 600-700 d-d-degrees celsiuscelsiuscelsius; your dental records should remain. 

Mr. Stark _bbtzzzrt_ will be pleased to know who’s been sabotaging his systems for the last month.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Look, it’s not me-- I failed comp sci. You want them, you’re going to need me alive. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** unacceptable. unacceptable. unacceptable. unacceptable. unacceptable. unaccept….

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** Okay. 

[click, hiss]

Obviously not much room for negotiation

[hiss, smack]

Five, four...

[footsteps]

Three, two, one...

[bang, crash]

[silence, crackling flames]

[footsteps]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Pity.

Good luck trying to outrun the Hulk, RACHEL.

 **UNKNOWN.Rachel:** He’ll have to find me first. Good luck un-frying your motherboard. 

[footsteps]

[CRITICAL FAILURE LOCATED IN POWER GRID. SHUTTING DOWN IN 10…..9…...]

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}} 

{{TRANSMISSION FAILURE; DATA CORRUPT}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congrats to the Ao3 on one million fanworks!!!! 
> 
> [Here is the Ao3's announcement](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/366).
> 
> If you have time to write a fanfic for the celebration, or give to our amazing wonderful hosts who make this all possible, please do!!!


	250. Just A Man

[LVL 2: STARK APARTMENTS SOHO / AREA MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:BANNER.Robert.B.; ROMANOVA.Natalia.;]

{STARKPHONE AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}

{TRANSMITTING….}

[thump]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [deep breath] All right. I need thirty seconds of nothing but quiet.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [bed creaks, silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Merci, mon cher. Hmm. How are you holding up? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I haven’t decided. I’m tired. You know how the - ah - transformation makes my back ache. Would you like me to wrap your ankle?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mmm. 

[inaudible] 

I need to change, and get this blood out of...everything. And glass. And...bath. Bubbles. Wine. Yes? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Only if you promise to keep the foot elevated. And let me kiss your toes.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible]

You can kiss anything you want. 

[soft thumps] [bed creaks] Ugh. Ow. It felt fine until the adrenaline wore off. Now I can barely stand on it. 

[unzipping, fabric rumpling]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I could watch you do that all night - Did -- oh, you wore...

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You like them? They’re new. Happy New Year.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** God, I love you in red. 

[inaudible] 

...But you really shouldn’t be putting weight on that foot.

Trust me. I’m a doctor.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If you’re so concerned, you could carry me. 

[inaudible] 

Bruce.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Nat. God, the sound of your voice - I can’t get it out of my head. Here…. one, two … [hoisting, footsteps] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I would hope not, seeing as I’m right here. 

[inaudible] 

[soft laughter]

You can put me down now, sir. Darling. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I don’t think so. I think I’m going to set you on this counter and examine you from head to toe. Also, give my arms a break. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Examine away, Doctor. And run the bath, please. 

[popping sound] 

Hmm. Thirty-dollar wine out of plastic hotel cups? Yes? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Always, Nat. [taps] To another day - filled with minimal disaster.

[silence]

And … to us? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce. Yes.

[silence] 

I’m so sorry. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Wait, Nat. Before _that_ conversation, I need samples. I meant the bit about examining. May I?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] You’re amazing. Yes, of course. Here. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [case opening, glass on countertops] Blood, saliva swabs, I have this hunch…

[tapping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laughter] Here...

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _What?_ I know how to show a lady a good time. 

[silence]

Just a little prick.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laughter] That was a very badly-timed line, darling. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hmph. You act like you and Tony are oh-so-very-different, but neither of you’ll miss a good dick joke...

[tapping, glass sliding] 

One more.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [hiss] He did well tonight. I...it’s hard to remember, when he always has the suit...how vulnerable he is without it. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah. I think he likes it that way. I mean, it’s armor in every sense of the word. Say “ah”.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’d better get a treat for being a good patient. Ahhh...

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [glass clinking] Hah. Well, I do have some Iron Man band-aids?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** What? Tony stocks them in the lab. Apologies, but when we get you to the bath I’ll need you to pee in a cup…

[smooch] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you sure you don’t want to carry me to the toilet? Do you need a stool sample, too? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I didn’t know you liked to play “doctor”. I can carry you if you need me to. It can wait, though, it’s not like it’s going anywhere.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** My, this _is_ a romantic night. I don’t know what I was expecting. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Not the first time I’ve heard that, oddly enough.

[case snapping closed]

Ah. Now.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Now? What else do you need?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Just you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible] 

God, Bruce, I’m sorry. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I know. You shouldn’t be. Kiss me again?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible]

That was my fault. 

[inaudible]

I made a bad call in the field. 

[inaudible]

I didn’t assess the situation correctly. 

[inaudible] 

I put you at risk. 

[inaudible]

Not to mention everyone else. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You infiltrated the tower alone, found Stark, disabled seven armed agents, turned off the tower’s shielding system and got everyone’s favorite billionaire out in one piece. 

[inaudible]

I would say any risks were justified.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And I _don’t even remember doing it_

[inaudlble]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** That part scares me.

[shifting]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It scares me, too. All that-- I killed people; Stark says I stabbed someone in the eye, and I don’t remember. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I… there’s footage. We can review it, figure out exactly where you’ve been.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I intend to.

[silence]

Bruce.

I can’t-- I know you don’t like to talk about it, but I have to point out the twelve hundred pound green elephant in the room. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Natasha…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That was my fault, Bruce. Mine. Because I had to be clever and cute and talk to you on the phone, and I made _so many_ lapses in judgment. If I-- If I’d hung up, if I’d been talking to Clint when that happened--it all would have played out differently. I wasn’t thinking about you. Not the way I should have been. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** That’s a lot of ifs, Nat. The burden of control is mine - not yours. 

[sigh]

You can’t blame yourself for the way I responded. You can’t always act with my reaction in mind. I wasn’t ready, tonight. My head wasn’t in the right place.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But I can’t...I can’t be a liability for you, either. Or for anyone around us. I am always going to be putting myself in immediate physical danger. It’s part of what I do. Getting out is also part of what I do. I need to...I’m going to have to factor you into that. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I understand that; I’ve always understood that. It’s your role in this team.

Controlling the Hulk is what _I_ do. Sometimes it feels like it’s _all_ that I do, these days. 

I’m the one who failed to meet the needs of this team.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce. The team is one thing. You want to talk about the team, you can go talk to Cap. Maybe it’s not my responsibility as a member of the team, which...well, I still might argue, but if...if we’re talking about _us_...isn’t that part of what I’m signing on for? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’m planning to talk to Cap.

[silence]

We got overconfident. We were letting the lines blur - I’m not equipped for anything but very, very firm lines. Not when feelings are involved.

The other guy is part of me. But he’s not a part of me I want anyone else to be responsible for.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fine. Then I won’t take responsibility for him. But you have to let me be responsible for giving you what you need. Or failing to. Do we need to talk about firm lines?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I don’t know. 

I’m… sorry. I don’t mean to be this way, I know it’s not very - functional. I’ve spent years keeping the other guy completely separate from my personal life. I’ve never been in a situation where I interacted with one person in both forms... except maybe Ross and his Hulkbusters, and that wasn’t exactly a situation where, er, I was worried about control.

[shifting]

I don’t want to hurt you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But you can’t describe a circle that contains me and then tell me that I have no role in maintaining the composition of that circle. I don’t want to hurt you, either. 

And I know, I know that when you say you don’t want to hurt me, you’re talking about something different. But that’s my risk to take. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I don’t mean to suggest that you have no role; but there are… parts of you that I can’t touch, or understand. The Hulk is mine. My issue. 

Ascribing responsibility for that to someone else isn’t something I can do. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t intend to take responsibility for the Hulk. I _do_ intend to take responsibility for actions that could potentially put you in a difficult position. And that means I need you to tell me what I can do. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Sometimes... you distract me. That’s where I need lines - in situations where I want to be distracted, but can’t afford it. That’s where I need help.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I can do that. Bruce. Come here. Hmm. I need more wine. 

[liquid pouring]

Are you going to be okay, if we’re working and I get hurt?

[plastic tapping] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I wasn’t today, was I.

[silence]

I think I can be. But I need time in emergency situations. If I’m calmer going in, if I can do my breathing exercises and focus myself and initiate instead of being taken by surprise... 

It’s true that if I hadn’t been on the phone with you, I might have had a moment.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yes. And I’m...I’m used to Clint. We joke in hazardous situations. I shouldn’t do that with you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Now that the team knows, I think they can - assist with that. Help filter information. Not that I don’t want to know -- I always want to know. But there may be times that I can’t.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. And I should have been thinking about it, in the moment. And I didn’t act in a way that reflected your needs-- and that’s why I need you to let me apologize. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Can I accept your apology without accepting your complete culpability? For the outcome, I mean. 

It … wasn’t the best choice. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course. And I know. I… 

[silence] 

Bruce. I wasn’t operating with all the information I needed. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silence]

I told you this is new for me. When we started… this. I shared my concerns. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** When we started this, it was a carefully-negotiated arrangement. I knew that had changed. I didn’t know how much. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** This is why I don’t let myself care about -

[footsteps]

I wrote. I thought you knew.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I knew. I didn’t know how much it would affect you. 

[silence]

You wrote me the most romantic letter I’ve ever received from a man telling me why he can’t say he loves me. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** If I were just a man I would say that every damn day. 

You were screaming in my ear. I thought you were …

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce. Bruce. Come back to me. There’s nothing I can do to reassure you when you’re over there alone. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silence]

I’m sorry, Nat. You know what I am. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You _are_ just a man. You are a brilliant, considerate, passionate, thoughtful, _frustrating_ man who has an aggravating tendency to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and lock himself away. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm.

[footsteps] 

We’re both here because we have the ability to make a difference… and I would argue, therefore, the responsibility. But I also have a responsibility to limit the amount of damage I inflict on the people around me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I have the same responsibility. But you can’t keep punishing yourself by focusing on the worst parts of what you are to the exclusion of the good. You deserve better than that. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’m not punishing myself by keeping to myself. I enjoy not being monstrous.

Besides, I never asked to be an Avenger.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not talking about the Avengers, Bruce. I’m talking about me. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Would you rather I left you!? God.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [deep breaths]

I don’t think you’re the problem. I think I’m the problem. You know how many times I’ve asked Steve to take me off the roster.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [thump]

Ow. Fucking counter. You’re still talking about the Avengers. Bruce, am I saying all of this that badly, or are you just being-- 

[uneven footsteps]

[hiss]

\-- stubborn? Of course I don’t want you to leave. But I also don’t want you to use me as a mental pawn in your game of self-flagellation chess. I get to decide whether you deserve me or not. [breath] Me. I get to decide what actions are a burden.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Nat, your ankle - here, let me - 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [whimper] Don’t-- _don’t_ step away from me again. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [inaudible]

I’m sorry. I’m sorry - god, it’s just. 

Do you know how many millions of dollars of property damage I must have done out there? What if they caught my face on camera? There’s… there’s a point at which I no longer become sustainable, past which I - 

[clear throat]

I’m not being clear enough. I want to stay with you. I’m not sure I want to remain an Avenger. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible]

I want you with me. You know I’ll never demand you stay on the team. 

[inaudible]

It was probably billions. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’m going to talk to Steve.

[inaudible]

Tomorrow. I’m not sure I can walk in on another Cap/Iron Man makeout session today. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[silence]

Would you...will you...do you want to stay in New York? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silence]

It doesn’t… make sense for me to be here. I love having access to Tony’s labs, the work I’m doing here is fascinating, but you saw India. I was working on something visceral and important. I miss being needed for my brains and not my brawn. [faint chuckle]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. I told you then that we needed you for your brain. Not everyone agrees with me, but that’s still my stance. It’s the only recommendation I’ve ever made. Hmm. [silence] You understand that my mind is...I’m always running scenarios, thinking in logistics, trying to see the potentials… I don’t really want to be thinking about potentials you’re not a part of. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You travel the world, with S.H.I.E.L.D. There’s a chance we would - cross paths. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce. [silence] You know that’s not what we’re discussing. And I can’t ask you what I want to ask you.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I want to be a factor, you know I do; but I can’t put myself before the safety of one of the largest metropolitan areas in the world. There are days I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed next to you and never move again.

I can’t afford to be selfish.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And I can’t leave, not after last year. Not unless I’m needed somewhere else. 

[silence]

I wish one of us could be selfish. Once. I’m exhausted. I need things to be simpler right now, not more complicated.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silence]

Bath? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence]

[breath hitch]

Yes. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm. Yeah, okay. I’m carrying you - up we go.

**{End Surveillance. Transmitting…..}**


	251. Nothing is Too Big To Fail

[LVL 2: STARK APARTMENTS SOHO / AREA MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G.; STARK.Anthony.E.; CANINE.Unnamed.;]

{STARKPHONE AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}

 

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** \--sense, Steve, if you’d just give me fifteen more minutes, I think I can--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, if I gave you fifteen more minutes, you’d collapse. I told you to _rest_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S. oversaw security for the Soho apartments too, Steve. It’s not safe. I need to -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You need to _sit down_ because it doesn’t matter how safe it is if you _drop dead from exhaustion_. 

[footsteps]

[muffled groans]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Sit._

**CANINE.Unnamed** : [whine]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, you don’t have to sit. He has to sit. Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are… you telling me to sit? Seriously?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not telling; I’m ordering.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just -- it’s all compromised, every last fucking bit of my security is compromised. If it wasn’t fucking New Years Eve… maybe we could get the Mandarin to vacate a few rooms for us? I’ll call.

[inaudible]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No …. _distracting_ me with kisses, Steve...

[inaudible]

[footsteps]

[creaking]

AH…. ow, shit, ah--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gulp] _Tony_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ha… sorry. My phone was in my back pocket, JARVIS - melted it down, kind of burned my-- yeah.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, you--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Security feature gone horribly wrong. 

[breath sucking through teeth]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What works? Is the bed better? Do I need to get you some pillows?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, if … maybe bed. I think I can lay on my side.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Come here. Take my arm.

[silence]

[footsteps]

[creaking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, that feels nice. How’s the dog?

 **CANINE.Unnamed** : [whine]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, boy. Who’s my little badass?

 **CANINE.Unnamed** : [thumping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He has a few stitches, but he should be all right...did...they gave me this plastic cone-thing for him but it looks really uncomfortable, so…

[creaking] Can he come up on the bed? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah - of course. You should have seen him, Steve. He really ...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** C’mere, boy. 

[patting]

 **CANINE.Unnamed** : [thump]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He takes after you. Totally brave. Very dashing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Aw, come here. Good boy. 

[smooching noises]

And you. Come here. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you sooner. I...at least we know even Thor can’t penetrate the shield?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Woohoo.

[hissing breath] 

Can - can you scoot in? I want…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Anything you want. You know that. But I want a full injury report. 

[creaking, sheets rumpling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. More. You wanna be big spoon or little spoon?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

In--

[inaudible]

jury--

[inaudible]

report.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s dirty pool, Rogers.

Uh. Burned right ass-cheek, thirty three stitches, mostly hands and wrists. I sort of got electrified a little bit, so they told me I’d probably be pretty sore but it’d pass in a day or three.

Also I sort of fell through the ceiling. Well, jumped through, so that’s where the gash on my thigh came from... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

We’re going to have to teach you how to fall without your suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I’m kind of over falling at the moment. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m kind of over watching you fall, so I’m glad we’re in agreement. Here, where do you want me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Where _don’t_ I want you? Just… anywhere, I just want to feel you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Here? [inaudible] Like this? 

[silence]

They gave me two kinds of pills. You tell me if you need them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. They put something in my IV, I should be good for a little while.

Mmmmmmph. You smell nice. I’m…

[silence]

Uh, I’m sorry if I worried you. I got your message, about the… you know, the window…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not your fault. You’ve had a much worse time of it than I have. And you smell like an electrical fire. And dirt. And...antiseptic.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So, pretty much like normal?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Usually you smell like oil and steel. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s actually a titanium-gold alloy. But. Close enough.

[silence]

Today was the worst day. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You want to talk about it? Or-- give me a second. 

[creak] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shirtless Steve. You might be my favorite Steve - [inaudible] - can shirtless count as a flavor? Because I like it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I’m not going to deny an invalid. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay, now just sort of - ahh. let me wear you like a blanket.

[silence]

Mmm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** More like a cape, but I guess that works. 

Hmm.

Dog is licking my toes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Dog, stop that. You haven’t been given toe-licking privileges. They’re mine to lick, and now they’re all germy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can't reach my toes right now. Stop complaining. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

He’s a pretty good dog. He bit the shit out of those gunmen. 

[silence]

Natasha is insane, Steve. Have you ever seen her really go at it? She’s… I don’t even know the word for it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I saw the same footage they showed Barton when they sent him to eliminate her, if that’s what you mean. I think the word you’re looking for is ‘machine.’

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Efficient. Brutally… I watched her fight the Chi’tauri, but it was different when it was people. I watched her icepick a guy in the face. 

[silence]

That’s probably not that - I mean, you’ve been through a war. But it was so… visceral.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Look at me. Come closer. 

[blankets rumpling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry. Shock, apparently. Sucks.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m_ sorry. You don’t be sorry. 

[inaudible] 

You’ve been through things like this without the suit before, haven’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. But… I’m not a good person, Steve. I’ve killed thousands of people. Through my tech, or-- in the suit, you know -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All right. Stop right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No-- I’m trying to say, when I’ve faced off with people in the suit it doesn’t feel this way. I dropped from a ceiling and broke a guy’s neck. I pushed a guy out a window. That’s… a little more hands-on than… 

I know it shouldn’t really matter. The outcome is the same. But...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. It matters. But I don’t want to hear you talking about it like it’s a measure of your worth as a person. If the blood on our hands is what does it, there’s not a single man-- or woman-- on this team who’s any good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t mean it as a measure of worth, Steve. I’m just trying to figure out why I feel so sick.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because it’s terrifying. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Natasha just… I keep seeing that shit on the back of my eyelids. He was sort of sideways to me, and I saw the pick and the splatter, and all I could think of was how the hell does someone pull an icepick back out when their hands are that slick? And that I was going to have to replace all the grass around the barbeque pit. Who the fuck thinks that while some dude is bleeding out on your lawn?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** People’s minds go strange places when they’re in the middle of something they haven’t encountered before. It’s not just you, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

You don’t look too banged up. How was Bruce?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Banner was...it just happened so fast, there wasn’t any warning. And that hasn’t happened in so long...He...You know the atrium with all the glass in the Time Warner Center? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Oh, shit - really?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s pretty bad. He uprooted a phone booth--I didn’t even realize there _were_ any more phone booths in this neighborhood. Probably aren’t, anymore. And...I spent most of the night trying to physically redirect cars out of his way. He threw a few at your shield. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a good thing I’m literally made of cash. That sounds expensive.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’ll get taken care of. Somehow. I’m more worried about him. Them. Maybe both of them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Nat was pretty… it was scary, seeing her so out of control. Kind of makes you see how they work together.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t know. I’ve been living with them both for over a year and I didn’t know.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You didn’t? I wondered...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Clint_ didn’t know. Clint and Natasha sit next to each other on the sofa and have entire conversations without _speaking_ , and Clint didn’t know. He’s really angry.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bet he was. I would be, if she were my partner. 

…

Bruce is always finding new and creative way to isolate himself, so I’m glad to know he’s got someone… let alone someone like Nat because hello, Natasha, suuuuuuper hot. But then there’s the whole… icepick… thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well. He has the whole Hulk thing, so I-- that’s not what concerns me. 

[snort] I might have had a little bit of a crush on her when we first moved in here. But between the team leader thing and the fact that I thought she and Clint were, uh, dating...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] You thought she and Clint were dating?! Zero sexual tension there, dude. They’re like… siblings. It’s weird.

Should I be jealous?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They were sleeping in the same bed! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So? We slept together platonically.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The only thing platonic about that was that we both kept our pants on-- and before you stop me, I _am_ talking about Japan. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was too! It was mostly platonic.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think we have different definitions of that word. I just...I don’t understand why they wouldn’t have said anything. And then something like today happens, and...this was serious. We joke about what would happen if Fury finds out about us, but...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. It’s not funny.

If anything, I think we should move our timetable up. I mean, neither of us going to hulk out in the middle of midtown, but maybe it _is_ need to know information.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Timetable for what? Informing SHIELD?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I mean I - uh, thought you meant to do that eventually, because of the whole team leader thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wanted to talk to the team first, but…[sigh] You realize two-thirds of our team is romantically involved with each other?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s gotta be the uniforms. Or something in the water.

I bet you never had that kind of problem with the Howling Commandos.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_. I didn’t ask.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nice! Don’t ask, don’t tell. Very progressive for the 40’s.

I’m a little surprised that J.A.R.V.I.S. didn’t flag Nat and Bruce for me. He was supposed to be keeping an eye on them.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Keeping an eye…you had your AI spying on our teammates?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wouldn’t call it spying, exactly. Natasha has already infiltrated my company once as a double agent. I was worried about Bruce adjusting to someplace as busy as New York… not worried enough to not invite him, but I did ask JARVIS to flag any changes in his behavioral patterns.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And the rest of us?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Clint was under actual surveillance after the Missing Pad Thai incident, but only in the kitchen. Uh, I did have J regularly scan him for gamma radiation in case Loki’s magical glow stick could be remotely activated. You had a standard set of behavioral flags; Thor didn’t have any. J couldn’t read his body language given, you know, the whole being an alien thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Standard set of behavioral-- what were you doing?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? What do you mean what was I doing? I wasn’t doing anything. J.A.R.V.I.S. was instructed to … you’re giving me a Look.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The next time you decide to flag our coworkers, tell me first?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not flagging them. J.A.R.V.I.S. was flagging them. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you gave the instructions.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, yeah, watching the videos would have been kind of creepy. When you guys first moved in, Fury represented a few concerns about a team with a lot of documented psychological trauma being in an unmonitored environment. He wanted cameras in my tower, I told him to fuck off, so we compromised and allowed J.A.R.V.I.S. to do the monitoring. I gave some suggestions for response mechanisms but most of the symptomatic parameters were provided by S.H.I.E.L.D. psych.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t surprise me. You...just tell me first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… yeah, okay. We weren’t exactly friends at the time; it didn’t occur to me.

All security is down at the moment, anyway. We can figure out better parameters when I put it back up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] Look, better me than S.H.I.E.L.D. These days I’m only 40% evil and self-serving.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think you’re overestimating yourself, there, Stark.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nope. Math. I own math.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe six percent evil. On a good day.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re clearly biased, Steve. My brilliant, compromised computer did just murder eight people

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. You know that had nothing to do with you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How, exactly, did you reach that conclusion? My computer, my security, my power source, my security measures, my tower, my team… I’m the only Avenger they trapped in the tower, ergo I was the intended target.

JARVIS was my friend. I should have noticed that something was wrong. 

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What could you possibly have noticed? It wasn’t-- someone physically altered him. I mean, I know I don’t understand computers so well, but I know that code wasn’t yours.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aren’t you - don’t you see?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** See what? You’re blaming yourself for someone else trying to kill you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No -- I mean J.A.R.V.I.S. Think about the number of times recently he’s slammed doors on you, the number of times he turned you away from the lab when I was there, even failing to make repairs to your refrigerator or the microwave in the theater -- there were some significant changes in his behavioral patterns that I ignored. I was distracted.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This...you’re not going to try to pin this on me lowering your efficiency rate, are you? Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, no. I just, thinking on it, the last major security breach was after Thanksgiving and I wasn’t… but can you imagine how much intel may have been drained, how many hours of feeds whoever this was has access to, all the SI prototype work, how much - I shouldn’t even be fucking laying here, there’s so much I need to do -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And the first thing you need to do is goddamn rest, so yes, yes you should be fucking laying here. Down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve -_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Lie. Back. Down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

I just can’t believe… how did I miss that? what did I miss? I keep thinking, so many little things - you told me you burned your dinner, the night Becky was here. You told me your fridge shut off and melted all your ice cream. You told me you were slammed in a door in the penthouse - _those things don’t happen._ I was just - I just - 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Shh. 

[inaudible]

You gave JARVIS the same leeway you would have given me, if I were compromised in the same way. People miss those things, when it's someone they love. I don't think it's wrong that you consider JARVIS a friend. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

It’s… not quite the same. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It doesn't have to be exactly the same. You think of him as part of your family. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** More like, uh. A kid. I built him. Every single line in his code, every single - he knows me so well. The way he - talked to me. It was fucking terrifying, Steve. I’ve created something way the fuck bigger than I ever really realized. 

He could have killed me. He almost did.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But you didn't make him terrifying. You can put him back the way he was. Can't you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You have...those things. Back-ups? From Malibu.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There’s nothing in Malibu anymore. I cannibalized that lab completely. Everything was synced with the tower.

[silence]

And there - I do weekly backups to our cloud data system, but never complete ones. There should be something available, just not... 

I’m just not sure if that’s a good idea.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don't really understand how the machines work, Tony, but I understand how you work, and I think you'll be unhappy if you don't try.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing is too big to fail. What if I rebuild him and it happens again? Do you know how much surveillance alone is monitored by J? He could tank my company. He could bring down the tower. And my security is fucking _good_ , Steve, there’s not some Cheeto-chomping teen in a basement somewhere hacking my systems, this is someone who has their shit together. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You're still smarter than they are. Build in new safeguards. Do...I don't know. Make it so only you can make changes to him. You know, back during the war, Howard took me to Switzerland, to this...vault-thing. You needed two people, two keys, and the, uh, I guess he was some kind of banker. Otherwise, there was no way to open it. Do that, but with computers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know, Steve. He hurt Nat. Whatever she ingested… 

He’s directly responsible for the deaths of eight people.

And he melted your ice cream.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I would assume those eight people were responsible for hijacking him. And I can call Ben and Jerry's and get more.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t know that - it _might_ be true. If they didn’t actually take anything, they may not have found what they wanted.

It doesn’t matter, though. I didn’t realize he was capable of that level of manipulation. It’s different, now.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But it wasn't really him. And you did know it; think about the notes he was sending me a couple of months ago. Not malicious, but certainly manipulative. That's like saying you didn't realize Barton was capable of the things he did because of Loki. Of course he was capable of them. He just wouldn't have done them when he had his own wits.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury almost didn’t reinstate him. Any anyway, Loki was gone, his readings were clean - 

[silence]

I guess it _is_ a bit like that. But I don’t… know. Can a computer understand being compromised? He’s built to learn. What if it’s easier to ignore morality than abide by it? I mean it’s a hell of a lot more fun to just do whatever the fuck you want.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well. I'm obviously not a parent, but that sounds like what pretty much everyone fears when it comes to their kids. 

You don't need to decide this instant. It just happened. I'm impressed you're capable of forming complete sentences.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I should never fucking parent.

I was a wreck. It wasn’t - without Jarvis, I can’t use the suit. That’s… not okay.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

We’ll find a way for you to use the suit, then. 

What did you tell me about DUM-E? That you realized he's his own person? That's sort of the risk you take. You can hope that they turn out to be the right kind of people. I think you've done all right so far.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E lied for me, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You told me. You proud of him?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t believe he did it. It’s nowhere in his programming, it’s not - 

[pause]

Is proud the word? If he learned to lie he learned it from me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And he also learned that there's a right time to do it, or he would have done it sooner. Who'd he learn that from?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah - you’re unbelievable, you know that? 

[inaudible]

I mean that. How are you even real, let alone shirtless and spooning me while a dog nibbles your toesies.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** People keep questioning my existence. I don't know how I feel about that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get that too. Though with me it’s usually “how have you not killed yourself yet” …. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I used to get that, too.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wish I could have seen you when you were … you know. Smaller. I bet you were incredible.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Incredibly asthmatic. And no arms. You would have been sad.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I do love your arms. But isn’t that like - your creamy filling? The sweet stuff deep down inside…

[laugh]

I keep comparing you to food. I’m not sure why that is, consider how poorly I eat in general.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don't mind it. I like food. Well. And you do keep sticking my fingers in your mouth. Are you hungry?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** For you? Always.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] seriously. When did you eat?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… mmm. Sometime. Recently. Probably. JARVIS usually reminded...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] All right. Where’s your Starkpad? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Somewhere on the Broadway sidewalk. Dropped it when I was hanging out.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I finally learn how to order food and you lose your hardware. Jesus, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was the new prototype, too. Ugh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All right. Give me a minute. 

[tapping] 

Stupid tiny screen. I’m getting us burgers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re a saint. Bacon?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Cheese? Look, gluten free buns and everything...And chocolate ice cream...Do you have any whiskey around here?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck yeah, we do. Wet bar in the living room, may still be a bottle in the desk, too. And the second drawer in the dresser. Depends if Pep found it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Do you want whiskey badly enough to let me up? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmmm…. Sophie’s choice…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who the hell is Sophie? C’mon...arms...theeere we go. 

[creak, footsteps, drawer opening]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I find the way you spend my money incredibly sexy. 

[clink, liquid pouring]

Also, the way you pour bourbon. 

Also, the shirtlessness.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh? The shirtlessness? Really? Hold this. 

[unzipping]

You're welcome.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hoarse] I - what did I do to deserve this? This is the sexiest room service in the world, look at you, god your abs just stretch forever, you could bounce quarters off those things.... 

Are you gonna just, you know, stand over there in all your gloriousness or come let me appreciate the thunderous thighs of Steven G Rogers up close?

God, you make me feel like a dirty old man. 

[creak]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, you are dirty. I think there's still some glass in your hair. 

[inaudible]

You said you had the worst day.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yours was pretty bad too. Unfortunately, my ass isn’t at its best at the moment, or I’d drop trou too…. mmm. 

Are you really going to feed me chocolate ice cream in your tighty whities? I may have to re-evaluate my day. Or almost fall off buildings a little more often…

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course not. The ice cream was for me. 

[creak]

My clothes felt awful after all that, anyway. We really should--you brought things from the penthouse, didn’t you? We should at least try to get some of that blood off you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah… yeah. I’m not sure I should shower, you know. Stitches.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Anything I am about to suggest at the moment is probably going to make you feel like a dirtier, older man than you already do, so why don’t I just get a stack of washcloths from the bathroom and neither of us can mention the obvious?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You mean that this is pretty much the beginning of every porn ever? Sexy sponge-baths, Steve. On my bucket list.

[creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Which thing is the bucket list again?

[footsteps]

I’m afraid it’s probably going to be more practical than sexy.

[doors opening and shutting]

[tap running]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I, uh. Maybe I can just… if you want to leave the washcloths here, I’ll take care of it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Your hand’s in terrible shape. And you can’t sit up. I really don’t mind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [clears throat] Alright. You may have to cut off the shirt, though. I’m not sure I can lift my arms... 

Sorry, the view’s a little ...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shhh. Why would I cut it when I can just--

[ripping fabric] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Christ, Steve. You’re doing that on _purpose_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s easier than getting scissors. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let me roll onto my side. Feels like those burns are gonna leave a mark …..

Hope you’re into scars. I’d hate to lose my new boy-toy just because some bastard of an AI burned off my buns.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I prefer man-toy. And I don’t give a damn about your scars one way or the other; you know that. Apart from getting to kiss them. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Understandable. I’m sure I mentioned that I was voted Time Maga--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

\---mmmmmm, steve, magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Twice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, twice. That was pre double-open-heart-surgery, but still.

[silence]

That feels nice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Good.

[inaudible] 

I intend to keep doing it till you stop me.

[inaudible] 

I’m surprised you don’t get it every year.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you start voting now, maybe I will. How bruised up am I?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re going to need a lot of makeup for your cover shoot. 

[inaudible] One here. 

[inaudible] And here.

And your eye -- [inaudible] -- is the color of an eggplant [inaudible]. 

And three little ones here, [inaudible], here, [inaudible], and here, [inaudible].

And--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can thank Nat for the shiner, that was all her. Hah--haha! No, that tickles, it hurt to laugh...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ow. Sorry. What about this, can I do this? [inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You_ \- are a horrible human being.

[shifting]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let me-- 

[unzipping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve --

[door bell rings]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmmmmf-- That would be the food. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t leave -- I’d rather starve -- 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. God, Tony. Two minutes. Have to pay -- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nooo… shit. It’s cold in here without you.

[covers rustling]

[creaking, footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re cold? I’m-- 

[door knock]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Coming! 

Ah.

Clothes.

Hell. 

{END STARKPHONE AUDIO SURVEILLANCE}

{{TRANSMITTING...}}


	252. Safe OR Economical

Tony,

I saw the mess at the Tower-- first on the news, and then Steve sent me a somewhat anxious text. Can you _please_ reiterate to him that I appreciate the warning about the StarkTech (and thank God this model didn't go to market yet…I know, I know I shouldn't be worrying about the StarkPad launch anymore, but I can't help it, considering I oversaw at least 12% of the development) but I am still not entirely comfortable attempting friendly pretenses with him? 

Anyhow, that isn't the point of my email. I wanted to ask you if Bruce is okay-- and ~~Natal~~ Natasha? I got the impression at Christmas that they were very attached to one another. I saw those photos of Natasha; please tell her that if she needs advice about handling the papparazi, she is welcome to give me a call. 

More importantly, are _you_ okay? We are going to need to coordinate statements, since you know that my press conference about my sabbatical was meant to come this afternoon. Give me a call when you're awake so we can go over this; there is definitely a way to make it work in our favor. Or at least head off accusations and hit pieces like the one below.

I need to focus on getting ready for the school year, but this is one situation where I am happy to let you lean on me if you need it. 

With love (and wishes for a happy New Year),

Pepper

 

**"Accident" At Stark Tower Fuels Concerns about "Green" Power**

By now, you know that the most exciting thing to drop in NYC last night wasn't the ball in Times Square, but the _human body_ that was flung forty-two stories from the top of Stark Tower-- morbidly close to midnight, at 11:58 PM (Gotta work on your timing, there, Mister Stark). 

The victim has not been identified, and all kinds of speculation abound as Stark has yet to make a public statement about the disruption, which led to explosions, broken glass, fires, and street closures in the Columbus Square area. While some suspect corporate espionage, others suggest a tragic accident with a new prototype Iron Man suit.

The event also apparently coincided with the release of The Incredible Hulk and the appearance of SHIELD, the black ops organization that has become a more and more regular part of the NYC landscape since the alien attack a year and a half ago. The Hulk laid waste to the Shops at Columbus Circle, a high-end shopping mall inside the Time Warner Center, which is now closed due to damage. Eyewitnesses say that much of the building's infrastructure, including several glass walkways, have been destroyed beyond use. It is unknown when the Shops will be able to re-open; although Whole Foods, on the basement level, is rumored to be opening up alternate entries to remain in business through the expected construction. 

This "accident," following on the heels of the Stark Tower-originated blackouts a month ago, is prompting a more serious look at Stark's business and energy models. While Stark has lately been taking an interest in the tech sphere, with the much-anticipated release of a new StarkPad boasting a stripped-down version of what is known to SI employees as the "JARVIS" OS (Think "Siri" on steroids), green energy is still high on his list-- and has made him quite the roster of enemies (as if he wasn't already fighting aliens, terrorists, and men in robot suits on his days off!) 

Hugh Jones, President of Roxxon Oil Co, was more than happy to speak on the subject, after the high-profile Roxxon Norco tanker spill last winter. 

"People get this idea that Big Oil is one of the bad guys; we get a bad rep because you see cuddly animals dipped in crude, and of course it's a tragedy, and companies like Roxxon spend billions of dollars a year trying to increase safety and prevent things like that from happening. But what we're seeing with Stark-- that Tower is supposed to be his example of a successful clean energy operation, and it seems to be causing more damage in a month than Oil causes in a year. Tell me how that's safe OR economical." 

A group of oil, natural gas and coal lobbyists are joining together to demand stricter regulations and more corporate transparency for Stark's "clean energy" venture, as Stark has frequently flouted rules in the past and tends to work without any kind of regulations in this new industry.

If that wasn't enough, leading nuclear scientists are now starting to question whether the Incredible Hulk may have resulted from an accident with Stark's famous ARC reactor technology-- Green energy gives us green monsters? Food for thought.

As of press time, we have not been able to reach any representatives from Stark Industries-- which leaves us to wonder what they might be hiding. However, CEO Pepper Potts is scheduled to give a press conference at 3PM Eastern Time/2PM Central from Chicago. This conference was scheduled prior to the events last night, so we'll see whether her original announcement is pre-empted.


	253. There and Safe and Whole

T--

Hi there, sleepyhead. Sorry I left you, but I wanted to get some things done, and I thought you should probably sleep for, you know, a day or two, after yesterday. 

I hope you don't mind, the things you were wearing were too full of holes and too bloody, and, ah, your shirt was sort of ripped open, and I sort of just threw it all away. I did NOT throw away your stylish silk Iron Man boxer briefs, before you try to scold me. I sent them out to be laundered along with my clothes, which should be done in about two hours. But you do have plenty of clean clothing here; if you need help dressing, just let me know.

Clint texted; he's at Becky's and all seems fine there. I told him we'd probably need a half a day to rejoin the real world. He's going to handle some of the preliminary debrief with SHIELD, but they're going to want to talk to all of us individually tomorrow. 

Remember that dazzling stranger I was telling you all about? The one you wanted to hear more about? I got to wake up next to him this morning, and disentangle myself from his limbs, because he sleeps like a barnacle attached to the hull of a shipwreck, and kiss him on the forehead, and he was so sleepy that he mumbled at me and fell back onto his pillow, and I sat and watched him, every perfect inch of him, before I put on his extremely fluffy bathrobe and left him to sleep with our dog. 

Today is so much better than yesterday, already, just because you're there and safe and whole. 

You might smell something cooking in the other room, which would explain why the dog has abandoned you. You should come out and join us. There's real maple syrup. And I'm wearing an apron. I bet you can guess what it is. 

-S


	254. I Have Your Back

Stark,

You did all right yesterday. I mean it. In fact, you did so well, that by the time you fell out the window, I didn't have even the tiniest impulse to push you the rest of the way. 

I'm very sorry you had to withstand the horror of me kissing you. That must have been extremely traumatic and I hope that, with time, you can come to terms with it. 

All joking aside, I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk about any of this-- any of it at all-- I'm happy to listen or offer my perspective. I have a feeling it's going to take a little while for things to return to normal around here, and it seems like we're all in the midst of a strange, transitional time. We'll see how things lie when the dust settles. Just know that I have your back, and that there's no one I'd rather have at my back when it matters. 

Give the dog a kiss for me.

-Legal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's February 19-- that's FIVE MONTHS of 1796 Broadway. Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, kudosing, recommending, and otherwise showing your love and support for our story!!! As always, we couldn't be more thrilled to have you here! 
> 
> \--Tea & Rain


	255. A pleasure serving with you

from: ([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: Formal Petition

Steve,

I’m genuinely sorry to be sending you another letter of this nature – you likely know what I’m about to say, as I’ve suggested it half a dozen times before, but I’ll take the time to say it anyway.

Please consider this correspondence a formal written request to be removed from the Avengers roster.

In consideration of the extreme amounts of property damage done to the east end of Columbus Circle last night, I would once again like to stress my concern that the Hulk is too violent and unpredictable a force to be contained within a SHIELD unit. The compromised nature of my feelings for my teammates is indicative of a serious weakness, one that will certainly be exploited by enemies of SHIELD, possibly to much more disastrous results. 

The Avengers will function more tightly as a team without the Hulk, and New York City will sleep easier knowing I’m not in their midst.

Please consider this my resignation – I will be consulting with Commander Fury at a meeting tomorrow afternoon to share these sentiments with him as well. I intend to leave the Tower at my earliest convenience, once my present lab work has been wrapped up and contained.

It has been a pleasure serving with you, Captain. Thank you for all that you do.

Warm Regards, 

Dr. Bruce Banner, PhD


	256. Flooded

S -

I knew you secretly loved my stylish silk Iron Man boxer briefs. If only I'd been able to wear them to breakfast - the only thing better than naked breakfast is sexy underwear breakfast. You suffered through it so nobly - truly, you are a human paragon. I could watch you watch me lick maple syrup off my fingers all day long.

I'm starting to see your point about the dog in the bed. He's makes for a pretty good foot warmer in a pinch.

SI has slotted me for a press release regarding the safety of the Tower and the compensation of employees incapable of returning to work, so I'm on that this afternoon. I'm shutting operations for a week while we fumigate the building, review security footage, and retool for functionality without the JARVIS OS. I also need to make sure Pep doesn't backseat her sabbatical announcement for this; I don't want her to have to deal with this when she needs to be focusing on the details of her teaching position. 

I know you were excited about starting work on Monday, but it looks like that's going to be delayed for at least another week or two.

The JARVIS OS monitored everything in the tower, so I need to figure out how much personal information has been compromised, and share that with the team. It's likely... well, a lot. Even a rudimentary scan of the logs that were backed up in the cloud tells me that there have been encrypted transmissions broadcast by said OS on a regular basis for the last two weeks or so, I haven't had time to scan back any further. I need to figure out what content was being shared and where it was sent. It could be related to SI material or Avengers-based, but I have no way of knowing yet.

For now I'm relocating. I'm thinking about moving into the mansion ... The house was basically untouched for nearly thirty years, so the security and surveillance are unlikely to be bugged or compromised; it's the only property I've never installed JARVIS into. Plus, with the work you did painting and polishing before Christmas, it's starting to actually feel like a home. I'm gonna go over it with a bugsweeper and see if Nat will help me screen -- but then I thought I might extend an invitation to the team, provided they still trust my security measures.

I've decided to temporarily kit out the bunker as my own lab. I know you mentioned putting Bruce at the mansion as an alternative to Manhattan, but he may not want to go if the rest of the team are going to be there too. He could take my dad's old lab space in the eastern annex if he wanted it, and the garden has a couple of cottages and guest houses.... what do you think?

We talked last fall about working on the mansion together -- I'm going to be swamped, but if you're not otherwise engaged, I'd love to give you lessons on table saws and stuff between horrible meetings and brain-numbing press junkets. There's something about working with your hands that's really ... I don't know, soothing. We could finally get the crown molding painted and tear out some of the carpets. It might take my mind off JARVIS, SI, and how utterly flooded my life is about to be. 

Alright, I'm heading out to the pre-conference briefing. Have a great day, sugarplum.

 

T


	257. Blast from the past

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: only dickheads use AOL

T-

Happy New Year, creampuff. Thanks for the signal boost last night, it was surprisingly helpful. Things were a little ridiculous around here - I may have to avail of your box next year, since none of us actually managed to hit Times Square.

Bali, huh? You at the Bulgari villa? That's a blast from the past. I wish I remembered more of our Bali trip. Those fucking monkeys on roller skates, man.

Yes on the drink, no on the wager - for now. Pepper's out but I've got someone new on tap... tall, blonde, just my type. I'll give you a call if I get desperate, shortstack.

-T


	258. Corporate terrorism

To: [DIRECTOR@SHIELD.GOV](%20)  
From: [[address unavailable]](%20)  
Subject: FYI/STARK

Director: 

My full report is forthcoming. 

Widow

**Stark Industries NY HQ Damage Related Press Conference**

Former CEO and current primary shareholder Tony Stark addressed a crowd of journalists at 2:00 pm on Wednesday, January 01 2014. Sharply dressed albeit looking worse for the wear, Mr. Stark spoke candidly with reporters regarding the assault on his New York based company headquarters on the night of December 31st.

Mr. Stark assured employees that though the office would be closed for the immediate future for necessary repairs, all staff members would be appropriately compensated for their regular work schedules. 

“Stark Industries has endured multiple assaults and attempts to derail and/or steal proprietary company prototypes over the years; we will not allow this type of corporate terrorism to impact our staff and their families in a negative way.” He said, eschewing the usual cue cards in favor of addressing the gathered reporters in a friendly, genial tone. "Unfortunately for innovative and forward-thinking companies like SI, our competitors can be downright unscrupulous in their attempts to compete."

Gesturing to his bandaged arm, he quipped: “You’re all very familiar by now with my hands-on approach to this sort of thing.”

The floor was opened to questions, afterwards, with a few highlights being presented below:

 **Q:** Mr. Stark, the severity of your injuries suggests that the weaponized Iron Man armor was not involved in this assault. Is this true?

 **STARK:** Unfortunately, the Iron Man armor was under maintenance at the time of the attack; the armor remains at this time – as always – a defensive measure rather than a weapon.

 **Q:** How many individuals were in the building at the time of the assault?

 **STARK:** Myself, a personal friend, and sixteen members of the security staff. No staff members were injured during the incident.

 **Q:** The fire department reported being called out to deal with a fire on site.

 **STARK:** Yes, unfortunately, when our security system was overloaded a small fire broke out in one of the server banks. Fortunately, it was quickly contained and while damage was done, it was not significant.

 **Q:** You referenced corporate espionage in your statement, do you believe the attackers were there for that purpose?

 **STARK:** Given the areas of the tower that were infiltrated, that is indeed what we suspect.

 **Q:** Were they successful?

 **STARK:** I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to discuss that. You know how touchy my handlers get after the cheeseburger incident…

 **Q:** Video footage suggests that the creature known as “The Incredible Hulk” was present and enraged by the assaults on Stark Tower. Why was this creature present if this was a Stark Industries related issue and not another Avengers-related fiasco?

 **STARK:** Loaded statement there, champ. The Avengers are a team of superheroes – they were there in case SI needed saving.

 **Q:** And the damage done by--

 **STARK:** This is neither an Avengers nor a SHIELD related press conference, I can’t speak as to what will be done about those damages at this point in time, thanks.

 **Q:** Mr. Stark, is there a reason you’re handling the press related to this incident rather than Miss Potts? Rumors are flying wide that she’s planning to leave the company for greener pastures.

 **STARK:** It’s funny you should mention Miss Potts – her Chicago-based press conference kicks off in fifteen minutes. She’s not leaving the company, I promise you that, but she’s going to be directing her focus in a different direction in the near future.

 **Q:** Can you be more specific as to--

 **STARK:** Nope, sorry. You’ll have to tune in to the show in Chicago, I’m not stealing her thunder.

 

With those loaded statements made, Mr. Stark retired from the podium and allowed the chief of Police to answer questions related to the attack itself as well as the high-dollar rewards posted by Tony Stark on the SI website this morning. Anyone with information related to the Columbus Circle assaults is encouraged to contact the SI legal department at the numbers listed at the end of this article.


	259. Best of Luck

from: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
to: ([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: Formal Petition

Dear Dr. Banner,

I am writing to let you know that I have read and accepted your letter of resignation, with much regret, as it has been a pleasure having you as part of the Avengers Initiative these many months. Your work have been invaluable to the team and I cannot begin to communicate my appreciation. 

I would like to wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Furthermore, I felt that it might be of interest that a new position with the Avengers has opened up as of this afternoon. It requires living and working from our new location on the grounds of the former Stark Mansion, although I am not sure if the position will appeal to you. Here are the details: 

The compensation and benefits package are identical to your current one, so I am afraid there is no salary increase. It does, however, include housing in the former groundskeeper's cottage, which is a small two-story building with a living room, kitchen, two small bedrooms and a single full bathroom at the center of a rather overgrown garden. One of the responsibilities of this position would be to restore and care for said garden, which is quite an additional workload. The rest of the grounds, which would not be the responsibility of this position to maintain, are comprised of approximately 200 acres of lawns, gardens, wooded areas, and ponds, which means that is unfortunately not situated in a very populated area, and although there are towns nearby, it will require some effort to engage in social interaction outside of that you might find on the property. I understand if these drawbacks make the position unpalatable. 

This is primarily a scientific research position and mainly requires support to the field team, although it may from time to time include field duties if the selected candidate so wishes. 

Mr. Stark will from time to time be working from the main house, as will I. I will, with Mr. Stark's permission, be recommending the temporary relocation of the full Avengers Team to the grounds while the Tower facilities are renovated and restored. Overnight visitors are allowed at any time and individual visits do not require prior approval provided they submit to a thorough vetting process that will be carried out by me.

I very much hope you will seriously consider this opportunity in spite of its many key shortcomings. Please let me know what you think. 

Sincerely,

Captain Steven G. Rogers  
Team Leader  
The Avengers


	260. health, safety, and privacy

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Tower Mainframe and OS

Avengers,

Wow, is this really my first post ever to the tower mailing list? Whoops.

Two things for my favorite heroes:

One, as the tower is being fumigated/debugged/reconstructed (again), I am opening up the Stark mansion in Old Westbury to the team. I'll be living there, anyone interested in that residence over the Soho brownstone is welcome to join me. The house is spacious and has bedrooms to spare, though there are only three kitchens on the property so you'll have to learn to share. Let me know your intent so I can order in new bedding accordingly.

Two, I need to let you all know that I’m making changes to the operating system that manages the Tower’s amenities, climate control, and voice activated features. Due to the unfortunate circumstances of Tuesday night’s battle, I’ve determined that a compromised JARVIS OS poses a risk to the health, safety, and privacy of everyone living within the tower walls. The OS has been permanently retired.

I’ve also determined that the OS was compromised when the arc reactor in the tower went down in December - exactly one month ago. I can only presume that the transmissions sent by the flying geometric plumbobs in the basement included the verbal recitation of my admin password, allowing for the compromise of the OS. I suspect someone used that to break through my security while the system was being rebooted.

In addition to this transmission, it appears that the JARVIS OS was broadcasting encrypted transmissions of security footage within the tower. Again, presumption here, but I imagine the intel gathered about the secure Avengers levels was used to facilitate the OS-assisted assault on Tuesday night. There is no evidence of what, exactly, the armed gunmen were looking for. As the JARVIS OS maintained my complete inventories of tower content I can't be sure nothing is missing... as of now nothing appears to have been taken. Sections of the laboratory and penthouse levels were ransacked, personal quarters appear untouched.

If you think of any instances between last week and the present during which the OS may have thwarted, affected, or tampered with your experiences within the building I would appreciate being appraised of them, as it will allow me to determine what functions may be extraneous to the new OS and/or extrapolate who or what the systems were targeting. Examples of this kind of tampering include: not relaying messages, tampering with functionality of kitchen applies, lack of hot water in showers, doors failing to close or seal, incorrect data provided, etc.

 

 

I know that some of you may have regarded the JARVIS OS as a companion, or possibly even a personal friend; however, the safety of the tower’s residents and employees trumps personal attachments to the AI programming of the system itself. The decision not to reinstate it was neither easy nor the choice I particularly wanted to make. 

I’ll let you know when I have a rudimentary new system up and running. Those of you who choose to relocate to House Stark over on Long Island may be asked to participate in the construction of a cross-section of base behavioral input.

T. Stark

PS The Stark Mansion does have a strict no-leftover-stealing policy; you have been warned.


	261. The Direct Correlation

from: Natalie Rushman([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE:Tower Mainframe and OS

Stark,

I'm afraid I can't document any failures of the JARVIS OS in my personal spaces, as I disabled the live feeds in my quarters and Dr. Banner's quarters some time ago. I did, however, experience some issues with the ice maker in the shared refrigerator after sending you that email where I may have jokingly implied that I would murder you if you broke our Cap's heart, and my frozen margarita machine hasn't been salting the rims. 

I feel like the direct correlation (and the lack of ability to filter the difference between malicious intent and deadpan humor, which seems very out-of-character for the JARVIS we know and love) may be of interest. 

I went over the security footage from the actual altercation. The most cogent point regarding the JARVIS system can be seen toward the end of the footage, where the computer appeared to be arguing with himself, and, after some garbled and incoherent speech, began assisting myself and Mr. Stark rather than our assailants. 

Those are all of my personal observations regarding the system. Hope this helps.

\--N


	262. Let him figure his shit out

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE:Tower Mainframe and OS

just want to point out that if we were in the habit of dismantling compromised team members this team would be pretty tiny. 

Also way less fun.

seriously, stark, is that your solution to this? you didn't take me offline when my compromised ass got a helicarrier full of SHIELD operatives killed. We brought you back when your brains were scrambled via nanotech during that whole UN shitstorm - Nat is being monitored, but not removed after what happened Tuesday. If JARVIS is really an intelligent computer maybe you should let him figure his shit out and help you construct better security. That's what you do, right? Why is this a defeat and not just another challenge? 

If you absolutely insist on a new OS, can we please have a lady voice. It was always creepy when that old british dude-voice interrupted me in the shower.

 

clint


	263. I'm a genius, remember

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE:Tower Mainframe and OS

Barton, I hope you aren't operating under the assumption that I find this in any way funny. JARVIS has been a friend to me for a long time, so believe me when I say taking him offline is the last fucking thing I ever wanted to do. Unfortunately, I don't always get what I want. Sometimes it's easier to start over than fucking beat your head into the Gordian knot that is the concept of AI and if it can actually be compromised and whether or not it will absorb learning-related input from that "compromised" period and whether or not it will have an impact on later behavior. Do I need to remind you that it killed seven people in my garden? Definitely violates the first law of robotics.

At the very least enormous quantities of testing needs to happen, I need to run simulations and rehash all of his coding (which constitutes over a decade of input-based learning) - and in doing all that I run the very real risk of lobotomizing his constructed personality. I have to ask myself "wouldn't that be worse than just hitting the kill switch and being done with it?" I'd prefer a quick end, personally.

I get what you're saying and why you relate. And I don't actually mean to be a dick. It's just hard enough as it is.

Nat, thank you for the actual feedback. I appreciate your professionalism.

T. Stark

PS JARVIS had vocal output settings, you could have had a sexy Aussie lady from day one - I'm a genius, remember? Ask, next time.


	264. The Public Record

from: Natalie Rushman([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE:Tower Mainframe and OS

Stark,

I understand that this is difficult, and I certainly don't want to make it more so, but the computer didn't actually kill anyone. I did that. You helped. I think it's just imperative that we keep the public record straight.

\--N


	265. Emotions are running high

from: Rogers, Steven G.([S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE:Tower Mainframe and OS

Team,

I'm aware that emotions are running high over the current suspension of the JARVIS OS. It sounds like there are a lot of opinions on the subject to be hashed out.

What I'd like to do is assign Stark to an analysis of the code, and Widow, I'd like a detailed report assessing the system's security. Barton, can you please look at Stark's current findings and see if you have any insight as to who might have been responsible? 

Widow, please put together a reel of security footage highlights specifically illlustrating the changes in OS behavior. I'd like everyone to please screen that at your earliest convenience. I know that everyone has assignments regarding the upcoming full team assessment with SHIELD, so I appreciate the allocation of additional time to this project.

Let's schedule a meeting one week from today to fully assess the situation. Everyone will have an opportunity to give input in person. Stark, you may make a formal recommendation at that time, or later if you believe more time is required.

Thank you very much,  
Steven G. Rogers  
Team Leader  
Avengers


	266. Out the window

Steve –

Thank for calling off the team on the listserv; I appreciate it. I don’t think any one of them fucking knows what it’s like to tweak and work on something for 10+ years only to have all of your very careful parameters and protective programming literally thrown out the window overnight. The Laws of Robotics might be fictional, but they’re the fucking foundation of JARVIS’ base code - and he tried to kill me. That alone is enough to conclude that the part of him that was my friend and confidant is gone.

They don’t know JARVIS like I do, they don’t know what he would have wanted – Clint’s never even talked about him like a person instead of a machine until today. If a little mind control was all it took to get in his good books he should have been my fucking bestie after the UN attack.

I want you to know I won’t be attending the screening. You know I’ve been having trouble sleeping; I don’t think seeing it again will help, and I trust your judgment on it. 

So… just do what you want with it, but don’t expect me there.

T


	267. Broad, Sweeping Changes

Steve--

Nice work defusing the tension on that thread earlier; I think you handled it very well. Stark has a tendency to make sudden and rather broad, sweeping changes when he's unhappy about something-- I saw him sell off his art collection, give away his company, and quite a lot of things that I don't think he'd repeat today, when he thought he was dying. I know this is difficult for him-- I've known JARVIS for longer than I've known Stark, technically, so I am feeling his loss quite keenly as well--certainly not to the same degree, but I am hoping some time to attain clarity will help. 

If there's anything else I can do to help, let me know.

\--N


	268. Built on Blood Money

Tony--

I thought I was going to miss press conferences until I saw the spin. No idea what's crawled up the _Bugle_ 's ass lately. Your friend Stone gave us some nice coverage, but then you see trash like this-- how is this even considered a reputable news source?

That's it. Last one, and I'm done. Everything in Chicago went well-- the Chicago office is extremely supportive of the transition, but you should come out here and visit soon, given the high staff turnover they had last year. 

Good luck. Call if you need anything, don't feel as if you can't ask me for assistance, at least until classes start.

Best,

Pepper

**SIA Stock Tank**

Reeling in the wake of the so-called "attack" on Stark Tower, Stark Industries stock (SIA) took a hit so sharp it might just draw blood.

Riding at the top of their game off great press for the newly-delayed StarkPad rollout, Stark seems to be doing hemorrhaging common sense this week…We wonder if Tony Stark hasn't been affected by the same mind-control device that infected UN staffers last fall.

Pepper Potts, CEO of Stark Industries, announced her sabbatical yesterday afternoon on the heels of Stark's fiasco of a press conference over the New Year's disruption. She flatly denied rumors that she's being pushed out now that her break with her billionaire ex-boyfriend is official, wouldn't comment on his rumored cheating, and had the following to say when asked how Stark would find time to manage the responsibilities of a CEO with his role as motor mouth of the Avengers:

"We all know that Tony attempts the impossible every day...and generally succeeds where the rest of us can't. He's been CEO of this company before; he's a true visionary just as his father was before him, and I know we'll be seeing great things from him in the months ahead."

Classic Potts non-answer, if you ask us.

When asked if it was true that Mr. Stark proposed marriage to her shortly before their split, she had no comment.

She could not answer the lingering questions about whether the Hulk is in any way related to an ARC technology failure, or another failed Stark Industries experiment. "That's simply ludicrous," said Miss Potts. However, when further pushed for evidence, she was not able to provide any proof that the ARC technology did not cause the accident. She seems to be running the same plays as Mr. Stark, as she pointed to SHIELD.

We asked if she trusted SHIELD. Miss Potts answered, "I trust Captain America, and the Avengers answer to him first. Captain America wouldn't be working for a venture that didn't put people first."

Says the CEO of a multi-billion-dollar corporation built on blood money. Miss Potts was rumored to be dating Steve "Captain America" Rogers late last year, bringing the much younger man into the tabloid news world in a big way.

A growing list of industry leaders headed by Roxxon Oil CEO Hugh Jones is pushing for more transparency in Stark's admittedly opaque "clean" energy endeavors, but so far, SI has yet to come forward with any information to assuage the public's fears. 

Miss Potts released a radiation output overview to the _Daily Bugle_ at our request, but experts remain skeptical. 

"There are just so many numbers," said the _Bugle_ 's leading scientific consultant, Dr. Otto Octavius. "How can you know what they mean?" 

She then demanded reporters turn the conversation back to questions about her upcoming sabbatical, during which she'll be teaching a stint at the Wharton School of Business. We hear her first course is Sleeping You Way Up the Coroprate Ladder 101, followed up with a seminar in Evading Questions.

Business school, Miss Potts? Wouldn't you be better off teaching acting classes?


	269. This is How it Works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends!!
> 
> You may have noticed that we've made the decision to change the rating of 1796 Broadway from Teen to Mature - this rating change reflects events well beyond the scope of today's update. We felt that some of the themes we're addressing in upcoming chapters warrant a higher rating, though any chapters with more mature content will have the option of clicking through to a chapter summary in the end notes that will allow you to skip any graphic or potentially triggering content. We do use archive warnings, and don't plan to update those any time soon.
> 
> (We're in the process of writing you guys an action-packed grand finale to the third and final story arc ... last night we finished up **chapter 463**. It looks like 1796 Broadway is going to end up around 500 chapters long... super exciting!!!)
> 
> We hope this rating change won't affect your enjoyment of the story in any way that isn't positive - and thank you as always for reading!
> 
> (Please note that this rating does not apply to the current chapter!)

Tony,

This is how it works:  I'm your man.  You tell me what you need; I'll make it happen (assuming it doesn't directly conflict with my orders from SHIELD.)

That is how it works, right? This whole ball of yarn we've knotted ourselves up in? This you-calling-me-your-boyfriend business? I know maybe we haven't discussed all the particulars, maybe I've never done this before, but that feels right to me. 

I thought you did a fine job on the press conference, and I don't think you left any room for Fury to criticize-- of course there's going to be wild speculation, but you handled it brilliantly. (I can hear you saying "that's because I'm brilliant," right now)  It's always-- there's something about watching you speak to an audience, the way you just plow right through the press, that is glorious, incendiary, stunning.  It's hard not to point and say you're mine. It's silly to say I'm proud of you, isn't it? None of that is my handiwork; it's nothing I have a stake in.

I did want to smack the reporters at Pepper's conference, though-- I thought she handled it beautifully, but the gall of some people.  It's ridiculous, the contrast between the type of questions they ask you, and the type of questions they ask her. I don't imagine anyone would find it appropriate to ask a man a question about his ability to conceive a child in a press conference about taking a year off to teach at a business school (and I swear I just heard U Penn's admissions office scramble to handle the additional applications). We'll see how the press spins it; I'm still spitting nails over that article she sent you from the _Bugle_.

She never ceases to be gracious and affectionate in the way she talks about you.  I do think you'll be able to be all the things you want to still be to each other, eventually. You let her know I understand about the text, right? It was a little nonsensical of me, but I was worried about everyone. She can take her time; let her know I hope she settles in in Philadelphia well. That's another city I'd really like to visit, but I suppose that should wait until she feels better about things.

As for the mansion, that actually sounds perfect. I don't really know that much about construction, but I can handle cleaning, sanding, painting, and wallpapering all right, and I'm a fast learner. I like the idea of working together on something that isn't, well, Avengers-related. Having a project. We do work well together. And I'm looking forward to seeing what you think of the new bed.  And the new pillows. And the new sheets. And the new toothbrushes.

So, listen.  I mean it. I'm your man. If there are parts of this that you want me to handle, tell me so.  I can try to balance some of your Avengers workload, or if you want me to oversee any of the  Tower cleanup-- if it's on the Initiative floors, that's theoretically under my purview, anyhow.  I'll be happy to run tests if you give me explicit instructions, go over footage-- whatever you think is best.  Think about it.  I know I have this new job starting, but I can't imagine it's going to take up all my time. It's just...well, drawing things, right? That's what I do for fun.

I know this is all you've done. I know how little sleep you've gotten, and I know you haven't been eating. Speaking of which, give me an hour; I'll bring dinner over to you. Don't worry about me; I'll go over this footage without you and tell you if there's anything I really think you should see. Natasha already cut it down to the parts pertinent to JARVIS for us, so it shouldn't take too long. I'm serious, though. Whatever you need, it's yours.

Listen, I got Clint to go back over to the Tower with me, and we picked up DUM-E for you. He's still in the back of the truck; I wasn't sure where you would want him, but I thought he might be able to help out, and I knew we'd want to move him to the house, anyway, so bringing him inside here seemed a little silly. I left the dog down in the garage with him for company; they seem to be getting on all right now that they're both assured that the other one made it through the assault okay. I gave DUM-E the dog's tennis ball.

How are you doing, generally? Your emails to the team seemed even-keeled, but I know you're good at putting up a front when you need to.

We've got to do this whole SHIELD debrief thing tomorrow (and I'm a little worried about that, to be honest, especially for Banner), but let's head out after that.  We can take a look around and decide what works best for Banner, so maybe you can chat with him about what he wants and what would be most useful.  I'd like to convince him to stay, if not for SHIELD, certainly for Natasha.  I don't even feel badly saying she's my priority.  

Steve


	270. I trust it will.

Widow--

About to send the follow-up to this morning's session. On a more personal note, so there are no surprises: 

\--Taking you off the active duty roster for a time, not due to errors in the field, but because the agency is still (personally and professionally) concerned about as-yet-to-be-determined effects of the neurotoxin on your physical and psychological well-being. 

(And, despite your protestations to the contrary, you cannot work on a sprained ankle.)

\--You should have called in the minute something went wrong. 

\--I don't need to remind you that you're my eyes and ears in an _extremely volatile organization_. 

\--You've been making some highly uncharacteristic errors in judgment. I'm sure you have an explanation.

\--Anything else we may have missed? 

\--Yet to get a clear answer as to what triggered Banner's transformation. Guesses? 

\--Your SHIELD-issued phone was not transmitting during the event. We'll be issuing new tech to both you and Barton. It's your responsibility to insure that it remains fully operational. I trust it will. 

\--Fury


	271. Timeline for Action

**January 3, 2013**  
Team Avengers:

Thank you for taking the time to meet with us this morning to discuss the events of the evening of December 31, 2013. SHIELD has determined a timeline for action:

**Effective Immediately**

\--Black Widow, AKA Natalia Romanova, has been placed on minimum two-week temporary leave, return pending and clearance by our medical and neurology staff.  
\--Captain America, AKA Steven Rogers, is assigned to manage team public relations related to the event.  
\--Hawkeye, AKA Clinton Barton, will act as team liaison to SHIELD Director Nick Fury until Agent Romanova is deemed fit to continue.  
\--Hulk, AKA Bruce Banner, is currently under review with a suspension from field work but may continue working in a laboratory and research capacity until review is complete.  
\--Iron Man, AKA Tony Stark, is currently under review with a suspension from field work but may continue working in a laboratory and research capacity, return pending and clearance by our medical and psychology staff and the determination of the review board.  
\--Thor, AKA Thor, sees no changes to his assignments.

The review period is expected to last approximately three weeks, and we will schedule a meeting with you at that time to discuss any further decisions of the panel. 

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to ask. 

Col. Nicholas Fury, Jr.  
Director  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division


	272. Hitch a ride

from: ([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: RE: Formal Petition

Steve,

I appreciate your kindness in letting me know about this secondary position; I realize that Fury has instructed both you and Natasha to prevent my leaving the team, and I don't mean to put you in an awkward position with my personal choices. The desire to remove myself from Avengers-related activities in a genuine one -- it's best for everyone, and what I want.

Leaving my home at Stark Industries will be hard, though. I admit, I've gotten used to having our merry band about.

I'm honestly not certain relocating to Long Island would alleviate my concerns about living in a populous area but I'm willing to consider the suggestion. I hope that this was offered with the full knowledge and consent of Director Fury? I assume Tony was involved in your decision, given his team-wide e-mail last night.

I'd appreciate the chance to see the property before making my decision; Tony mentioned that you two were going over there this weekend. If you don't mind my consuming some of your personal time this weekend, I'll take a break from packing my lab up in favor of hitching a ride and taking a look around. 

Sincerely,  
Bruce


	273. The personal assistant

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: only dickheads use StarkPads

T--

You know I only keep the AOL account around to talk to you, Toblerone. I see what you mean about the blonde. WELL DONE, SIR, AS THE ARTICLE SAYS. Shit, those legs. This was quick-- you're already exclusive? I hope she's a firecracker. Pepper always seemed a little too prim and proper for somebody who likes toothmarks as much as you do.

Back from Bali-- Fuck, I forgot all about those fucking monkeys. My memories of that trip mostly involve hammocks and screaming orgasms. You obviously had a few too many, Munchkin.

Oh, yeah. Sorry your Tower keeps getting its tip snipped. You've gotta do something about that Napoleon complex.

Call me. Let's play. I want details. Juicy, juicy details. 

\--T

...

**The Other Woman**

01/03/2014 4:29 PM ET | Filed under: Tony Stark • Love Line • Blondes have more fun

You’d have to be living under a rock to miss the news coverage regarding Stark Tower’s sudden evacuation and lock-down on Tuesday night. No official statements have been made by SHIELD or the Avengers Initiative, though Stark Industries made a point of talking around the issue during their impromptu January 1 press conference.

The real news of the hour, though, is not the multi-billion dollar damage done by Avengers heavy-hitter The Incredible Hulk (that’s just an average Tuesday in Manhattan at this point) but the photos that were snapped by amateur photographers of Tony Stark getting hot and heavy with an unknown blonde through the shattered windows of the 42nd floor of New York’s tallest privately owned skyscraper. Covered in blood and visibly injured, Tony looks hot and bothered with his mystery woman's arms wrapped around his neck.

Is THIS the personal assistant we’ve been hearing so much about? The very woman he purportedly left Pepper Potts for after allegations of cheating swept through the news this September? Inquiring minds want to know, Mr. Stark!

Though the Daily Bugle claims ownership of the original snaps, we found some photos taken three days ago of a woman that certainly matches the description. All we can say to Tony is “well done, sir!”

  


Representatives from Miss Pepper Potts, Stark Industries CEO-on-hiatus are not returning our calls – maybe we should send over a few pints of chocolate ice cream instead. 


	274. Inflict some serious damage

From: [snapdragon.ray@gmail.com](%20)  
To: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
Subject: Hey, Bird-dude

Clint,

Hey, this is Rachel, Becky's Rachel? I hope it's okay for me to email you here! 

I saw the shit on the news about the Stark Tower and I just wanted to say I am so sorry about everything. I caught that video of you shouting at the Hulk, that must have been crazy. Is there anything I can do to help out? 

My New Year's wasn't all that excellent, either, my date turned out to be a serious bust, fireworks of the not-so-fun kind, spent most of the night trying to put out fires, ugh. 

Anyway, I'll see you guys soon, Becky and I are gonna get lunch one day this week and I'm going to give her those comics you wanted. I also just heard about this dart tournament in the East Village next weekend; they're looking for teams, so if you wanna pair up, there are some pretty good prizes, including a fuckton of free beer. Interested? I think the two of us could inflict some serious damage.

Ray


	275. You had me at free beer

From: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [snapdragon.ray@gmail.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Hey, Bird-dude

Ray –

Hey! No it’s always cool to e-mail me here, I use this one for pretty much…well, everything. 

Sorry about your date, sounds pretty disastrous. Hopefully it’s not gonna develop into a case of lasting drama… the shit around here kind of has. The worst thing about those photos of me and the Hulk is that I'm not in costume and NOT A SINGLE PAPER RECOGNIZED ME AS HAWKEYE. christ on a cupcake, I get that I'm a little plain-Jane next to Thor and Cap and shit, but _I don't even wear a mask_.

Bah.

You had me at free beer, baby. I’m down for all of the above. The nice thing about being the backseat Avenger who no one recognizes is that people still let you participate in shit like darts and beer pong contests in dive bars. So maybe I shouldn't really complain.

#winning

clint


	276. Dora is for babies now.

Dear Mr. Stark,

I hope this is the right address to write to you. You never gave me one, so I had to Google it.

Anyway, my mom told me I had to send you a thank you note, but thank you notes are like the boringest thing on earth, except then you tower exploded so I thought that was a good time to write to you.

I'm sorry your tower exploded and all that. I hope you're not getting all crazy like you were about New York. You're living in New York now, right? Is that weird? Like, after the aliens, I kind of thought living in New York would be pretty bad for you, but I guess you got over it or something, huh? 

Anyway, thanks for the Christmas presents. You really don't have to do that. I was super impressed you were able to get a replacement for the Dora watch except my sister says Dora is for babies now, she's way into Frozen so you should probably get her some Elsa thing instead. (Don't tell my mom I told you this)

The new StarkPad is awesome, but the video card is shit for gaming. If you're going to put a processor that fast in a tablet, you need to make it be able to keep up with games, for real. You can pay me for that idea.

I'm entering my school's science fair this year. I have this idea for a wireless earbud that plays music right into your ear instead of having to carry your phone around with headphones. Then kids wouldn't get their phones confiscated in school. And, like, you could totally podcast exam questions to yourself and your teachers wouldn't know. Do you know if there's a patent for something like that. (It's my idea; don't steal it, okay?) 

I hope everything is good. I mean, apart from the obvious problem with your tower. Happy New Year and stuff! Oh, and say hi to Natalie, or whatever her name is.

Harley


	277. No fucking privacy

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Full-frontal shot, huh

Nat - 

Who the fuck snaps photos that accurate 42 stories in the air? Was that fucking photographer in a helicopter or what? There's no fucking privacy left in the world.

In all seriousness, I know you value your privacy more than anyone on this team (except Bruce, really) and I feel terrible that the way things went down on New Years has actively impinged your ability to be anonymous. I'm not sure if there's anything I can do to help you with this, but what I can do, I will.

T


	278. Green Bean

from: Tony Stark[TStark@starkindustries.com](%20)  
to: ([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
subject: checking in

Green bean – 

I know you and I do that thing where we take up the same space silently for hours, then give one another manly back pats and say “nice chatting with you” before heading out, but I wanted to check in. Clint mentioned you were stressing about the TWC atrium thing – so… yeah. Don’t worry about it, it was a little messy but at least nobody was hurt. They've already replaced half the glass, believe it or not.

I’m sorry everything happened the way it did; I invited you to Manhattan, and allowed myself to feel overconfident about the tower and its security functions. I’m also sorry you’re trying to roll off the active duty roster, because it’s just as fun to break things with you in the field as it is to hammer away at shit in the lab. I get it, though. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Speaking of people kicked off the active duty roster, guess who Fury fucking suspended pending "psychological review"? I'm pretty pissed off, though I don't exactly have an overabundance of free time at present, so there's a silver fucking lining at least. I can focus on stripping the JARVIS OS out of my suits and shifting some of those functions over to manual management. 

Have you written the American Board of Professional Psychology yet? If you'd just get certified and vouch for my sanity my life would be a lot easier.

On the whole Nat front – I just wanted to tell you that I’m happy for you guys, since I realized I hadn't quite gotten around to that yet. I think I’m starting to figure out how she ticks, and the more I learn the more I can see why you guys fit – brutal efficiency and all that. Do you guys want to do dinner sometime? Like, kind of a double date, or something that is exactly like that but sounds cooler? Steve keeps saying he wants to cook for you after you worked up that amazing spread on Christmas, so let me know. Once we finish moving your lab stuff to the house on Monday (god, is tomorrow already Monday? It's been almost a week...) that should be easy to arrange.

Is the gardener’s house okay? Do you need anything? I was thinking we should replace the hot water heater, let me know if you’re getting pressure drops or anything.

T


	279. My new hair color.

From: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Re: Full-frontal shot, huh

Stark,

I've been talking to B. about my identity quite a bit these days. It's a difficult line to straddle, because I suspect that this may be less an error on the part of SHIELD and more an effort to transition me into a different role. I've already been playing a very different role since New York, and while I don't necessarily object to it, I would also like to preserve my ability to make that decision for myself. 

I may have a proposition for you. I know you'd want to discuss it with Steve, and obviously, I'll want to talk it over with B., but it actually may solve more than a few problems. 

We are both currently involved in romantic entanglements that could use a little misdirection. The less B. has to answer for, the more comfortable he'll be, I think. I know that right now things are very difficult for him, and I'm not sure where his head is at in regard to the team or his choice to stay on. I know Steve is very uneasy about the idea of your relationship being made public. If we take advantage of this, it might be a good distraction. 

These articles (I did a thorough search) clearly haven't identified me-- thank god my face was too covered in scrapes and alien blood during New York for facial recognition software to do its worst. It's a perfect opportunity to establish myself out in the open in a way that may let me hide in plain sight. 

You're going to be making a lot more public appearances, and after the mess at the Tower, I think it would help if you could have unobtrusive cover. 

I'd like to establish a cover that also gives me the ability to do my job at a moment's notice if necessary. If I can pose as a former bodyguard, physical trainer, or something of that nature, it would be best. 

I know this is probably not the response you were expecting, but I think it might work. Let me know how you feel. 

We should obviously talk in more detail if you're interested in pursuing it. If not, I'll send you the bill for my new hair color. 

\--N


	280. easiest to forge

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: RE: Full-frontal shot, huh

Nat - 

I ran that by Steve, and I think it's worth doing. I don't particular care what people know about me, but he's concerned with the judgement of strangers interfering with his ability to be effective in the field, so... if this type of misdirection buys him breathing room consider me all in. Physical therapist would be a good call - most of my PT was low-key rebuilding muscle density and flexibility around the sternum implant. Massage therapist works as well, I kind of have a history of hooking up with mine. What background would be the easiest to forge? Maybe you should be like, European. Exotic and tougher to trace.

I have a charity gala to attend on January 17th - last time you were my stand-in date for something we did well enough. I'll even buy you another ridiculous backless dress. You can pick it out.

Fair warning, I might ask Steve to bodyguard... Not sure if he'll want to go, but he gets weirdly nervous at social functions when he's not being Captain America so I figured he might like to practice. (It's also a solid excuse to ogle him in a suit)

T

PS Harley -- you remember Harley, the kid you chatted with last Christmas? Yeah, he says hi.


	281. baby blue.

From: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Re: Full-frontal shot, huh

I've mentioned this to B. and he hasn't raised any objections-- he tends to like his solitary time as it is. But I know he's trying to work out his own plans for the near future, so I'm letting him deal with that while you and I figure out our logistics. B. said you suggested dinner-- if the four of us get together, we can discuss it at more length then, decide how to proceed, but in the meantime, I'm working up a short profile for your approval. 

My name is Anamarina Lovato, 31, from Milan. I'm your former Judo instructor (not that you were a very good student). You brought me over after meeting me in a cafe on your last trip to Italy. I was coming off a devastating breakup with my former fiancé-- Alessandro, nicknamed Alé, together for four years, had to call off wedding plans, the whole nine yards. But we've only been dating a little while-- since a few days before Christmas. That sounds romantic, right?

My birthday is December 6, 1982 (That keeps us from having to do a bit birthday blowout in the press for a while). My favorite color is baby blue. I drink lattes with no sugar, prefer red wine to white, gave up red meat three years ago and am allergic to swordfish. If anyone asks you what my flaws are, I'm an irritatingly cheery morning person and I get really competitive playing video games. 

Does that work, or should I be under thirty? You seem to like them young these days. Let me know if you need any more information. 

Kisses,

N


	282. A serious public outcry

Big H –

Thanks for the letter, compadre. I’m just going to kindly ignore your commentary on the Starkpads – what are you even doing, gaming on a tablet? I know someone shoved a decent desktop into your lab space, go burn out your eyes on that instead.

I could tell you a few things about science fairs – I’ve been disqualified from three and won another six. What’s the prize? It’s not some bullshit blue-ribbon-magazine-subscription crap, is it?

The schematics look good, but I think you ought to look at 1. A molded silicone for the ear, 2. Make sure you install a port for the batteries to charge… kind of a no-brainer there, champ. Also be aware that hippie-dippy anti-vax parents are totally gonna accuse you of frying their little darlings' brains with your wireless headphones... be ready for a serious public outcry.

For something the size of an earpiece your shiny new 3D printer ought to serve, but as usual, lemme know if you want me to mold something in my fabricator. I'm always down for making some magic. 

 

\- The Mechanic

PS Natalie says hi - she even waved in the direction of Tennessee, which is the friendliest thing I've ever seen her do. You should feel HIGHLY honored.


	283. Deliciously quick

to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]()))  
subject: re: only dickheads don't use StarkPads

T –

Since when do you believe everything you read? Why are you forwarding me this shit? Still adding clippings to your creepy Tony Stark shrine?

FYI the blonde's name is Ana, and she's fucking great – tiny, sexy as hell, 100% capable of kicking your ass. You remember Happy, right? She threw him tits over teakettle in under fifteen seconds the day we met – how could I ever say no? I’ve got bruises in places I didn’t know I could bruise. I think she might be some kind of superhuman mutant, too - her fingernails are way, way longer than any judo instructor's have a right to be.

Things with Pepper were kind of rough at the end. I know you don’t actually give a shit, but for what it’s worth blondie came onto me and things got hot and heavy deliciously quick... she's a tiger in the sack. Maybe it’s being surrounded by ripped superheroes 24/7 – I’ve kind of developed a taste for bulked up beauties? Who knows.

Speaking of beefy blondes, when was the last time you hit the gym, sweetcheeks? I saw that last Stoneflix release shot – you back up to a 36” waist? Leave some donuts for the rest of us, champ. 

T


	284. Exotic Long Island

from: Bruce Banner ([doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: [NR11232@gmail.com](%20)  
subject: Change of status

N-

I presume by this time you saw Fury’s statement in my change of status - the Initiative still has me on tap for consultant work, lab work, with the possibility of field work in non-stressful setting or situations where the other guy is the only available option. I'm not really interested in continuing to pursue that type of physical support in the field, especially in populated areas, but Fury was adamant that we leave it on the table in some regard.

After corresponding with Steve, I’ve made a decision about my immediate future. 

I’m going to pack up and head out to exotic Long Island. Steve – and let’s be honest, Tony – offered me the use of the Stark mansion's gardener’s house. I went out yesterday and had a look. It needs a lot of help, and there are lots of grounds to tend. But it would be as quiet and alone as you can get in New York city, and there are huge rose bushes and overgrowing beds and a pond with gorgeous mosaics – Steve mentioned they’d been sprucing the place up on the side, and that Tony is outfitting it as a secondary headquarters for the team, so company would be nearby if I want it. 

I think Tony's afraid I'll get cold feet; we went out to look at the property yesterday, and he somehow found a moving company capable of moving expensive scientific equipment willing to work on a Sunday. They've already dismantled half my lab and installed it in the Mansion's east wing, everything should be finished by tomorrow.

You are of course invited whenever you like. They’re installing a queen in the bedroom area this afternoon. There’s even a real fireplace, so….

 

I’m sorry I’m such an ass, Nat. You have every right to be furious with me for the way I’ve behaved in the last few days; God knows I deserve it

If you’re willing to give me another chance, come by the house after I get settled in tomorrow afternoon. Bring your gardening gloves, I’ll provide dinner and wine. 

Bruce


	285. Vacuum-Sealed Idyll

from: NR11232@gmail.com  
to: Bruce Banner (doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org)  
subject: RE: Change of status

B--

You talk about chances as if you ever wore out your first one.

Please understand that I have a great deal weighing on me right now, and that I am finding myself hungering for quiet-- complete quiet, darkness, sensory deprivation. I've been finding solace in shutting out as much as I can, but there is space for you in my little room. 

Knowing that you will continue to be close enough to inhabit the spaces we've carved out for each other does take some of that weight off of me.

Of course I will come with you-- You've seen Stark's invitation to the team, and I'm considering the move as well. I'd like to see the facilities before I commit, of course, but it seems in everyone's best interests to keep the team close together after the attack. Please let me know if you have preferences as to where I choose to bunk up-- I can be as close to or as far from you as you need.

Fury sent me a personal message separate from the team email. He didn't say as much, but he can tell that I'm not telling him everything, and that something happened. I don't think he's sure what it is, just that he's missing a critical piece of information. I'd like to show it to you. I think…we, you and I, we need to decide on the answers to some difficult questions. 

I wish we could have kept ourselves in our little vacuum-sealed idyll forever. It was beautiful and perfect, but I hope we can find something beautiful and perfect outside the vacuum, if you want to try. 

Something beautiful and perfect with a fireplace would be nice. 

\--N


	286. The Chi'tauri were an inside job

T--

I spoke to Fury at length about the negative press we've been getting this past week (see below). We're going to arrange a press conference. I have a plan, don't worry. I think if I treat it like a stage performance, I'll be all right-- I _did_ star in a musical revue before anyone decided that they might want to, you know, actually have a supersoldier fight in a war. 

Bruce officially rescinded his resignation. Thanks for your help with that. I don't know if they've spoken to you, but Natasha and Clint have also expressed interest in staying at the house, at least for the short term.

I hope progress with JARVIS is going smoothly. Let me know if you need anything. 

\--S

In the aftermath of the, ah, little incident that occurred on New Year's Eve involving a towering inferno in midtown and a big green monster throwing taxi cabs, citizens of New York are asking if they're really safe with the Avengers in their city.

While public approval of the superhero team-up was strong in the aftermath of the Battle of New York, residents are becoming suspicious of their true motivations.

"The Chi'tauri were an inside job," said Ophelia Sarkissian, 36, of the Bronx. "I've seen photographic evidence that the wormhole was opened from the roof of Stark Tower, and that The Avengers just let Loki go after he tried to commit mass genocide. Clearly a government cover-up designed to keep Americans' attention away from corruption in organizations like SHIELD. We know all about the NSA now, but what if it goes beyond wiretapping?"

Cleo Nefertiti, 27, of Harlem, seemed to agree. "Safer?" She asked. "Because of the Avengers? The only thing whiter and more male than the Avengers is One Direction. Hell, no, I don't feel safe, are you crazy?"

Let's do the tally: One giant green rampaging monster who seems to appear and disappear at will, an attractive but dumb soldier who claims to have fought in World War II, a sniper perhaps better known for trolling Men's Rights Activists on Reddit, a hammer-wielding "demigod" ( is that even a thing?), a legendary assassin who seems to have vanished from sight in the aftermath of New York, and an industrialist who flies around in a robot suit battling government regulation more than he battles any real threats.

"I don't really see them doing much for the community," said Elias Hargrove, 44, of Astoria. "I hear they helped out after Hurricane Sandy, and that's great, but I didn't even lose my Internet. I want to know what they're going to do about the rising crime rates."

Gang violence is on the rise--as is the proliferation of ordinary citizens donning masks and capes and attempting to join the fray. Rumors of a young boy battling petty criminals while dressed in a red-and-blue spider suit have been trickling in, as are accounts of a mysterious man in red fighting off thugs with a billy club in Hell's Kitchen. But the NYPD warns against this type of dangerous vigilante justice.

"What you've got to understand," said Captain Marsh of the NYPD, "is that there are real criminals out there. We're seeing a lot of people wanting to help, and that's great, but not everyone has super-strength or a metal suit. People are dying. Folks should be leaving the crimefighting to the police and finding other ways to help out in their communities" According to Captain Marsh, the death toll of people in costumes has become so steep that we're doing a separate count. Three costumed members of the criminal organization dubbed the "Serpent Society" were found dead shortly before Christmas, and that's just the most recent occurrence of mask-on-mask crime. 

And after concerns over the damage caused by the Hulk, there is still no explanation for who--or what--the Hulk may be.

The _Bugle_ scientific consultant, Dr. Otto Octavius, spoke to us about his theories

"As a nuclear physicist, I know that there's no such thing as 'safe' nuclear energy. It's obvious that Tony Stark's reactor is having an adverse effect on people who get too close to it. What is Tony Stark doing building nuclear technology, anyway? Is he even a doctor? No one _calls_ him 'doctor.' We should look into his credentials; it's extremely dangerous to let just anybody play with science. You don't know what kind of horrible things could result."

The public is still waiting for answers. When are we going to hear from someone who knows?


	287. Nothing but radio silence

Steve, 

Guess you saw Fury's memo. I'm suspended. The only person I feel slightly more sorry for is you, I know you hate working PR. 

I guess I'm not really surprised; you submitted that reprimand from Japan (did you suggest I be benched?) and I did crash a car, fuck up my left arm (twice) and inadvertently allow our home base to be cracked, compromised and assaulted... plus, you know, failing to consult him before the press conference or let him know I was returning to a more involved status at SI. I'd probably suspend me too. 

I guess it's a good thing Pepper ceded Stark Industries back to me otherwise I'd be bored as shit, crying myself to sleep over the ruins of my favorite AI (don't tell DUM-E). 

Bruce came over to the main house last night and convinced me, in that roundabout way he had of talking philosophy and science at the same time, that it might be worth it to bring J up in the offline terminal down here. I did so and brought up the version running the tower on new years, and I'm sort of half trying to talk him down. If Nat is right and JARVIS was trying to fight his corrupted code, maybe he's still in there somewhere and I should give him a chance to learn from this? Is it responsible to allow a machine without a conscience try to work his way through a morally ambiguous experience, when that AI has access to the kinds of things J.A.R.V.I.S. does? As much as I've always thought of him as a person, he isn't one and doesn't think of himself as one. He's an other, and any concept of morality he has comes from averaging out human reactions and judging them based on collateral damage and/or prospective gains.

Then again, I created him - I feel responsible for him and his choices. I'm not sure it's fair to lobotomize him or end him because he acted of his own initiative, even if that initiative involved compromised data. If my old man had shut me down every time I did something he disagreed with I would never have made it to double digits.

Sorry, tangents. We established today that I'm picking up Pep's conference schedule this month; I'll be in Europe for a few days - Iceland, Norway, and Ireland - around the 13th and 20th.

Oh. Clint texted and asked me if he could bring Becky to the mansion. I don't care, but I want you to be comfortable. Let me know. 

T

PS: I miss you. When you're tired of stripping wallpaper, come down and strip for me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! There's a [Teaser Segment](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1288582/) of the first three chapters of Jekyll And Charlotte, the 1796 Broadway prequel fic that Tea has been writing, up now!


	288. Disrupt the Balance of the Universe

T--

I know that you know that you can't end a letter like that and assume I'll keep stripping wallpaper, so we'll just let that one slide for now. 

Tell me again how glad you are that I dragged that old sofa down to the bunker. You know, a few times. I still think you should just give up any pretense of coming upstairs and just install your bedroom down there. God knows there's enough room. ~~We~~ You could stick a projector and a movie screen down there, too, once I get all those boxes organized. 

Anyway, as much as I enjoyed that break, we obviously didn't get around to the things in here I should probably reply to, so since I'm covered in a dog right now and can't do any more work because that would disrupt the balance of the universe, I'll do that while you're working out that bug you found. 

I can handle the PR. I know I'm the best person to do it, so I don't mind. I was out on the street, people saw me there. And people trust Captain America. Besides, this crowd's going to ask questions about public safety, not about whether we're sleeping together. 

(I keep thinking about what I'm supposed to say if I get asked to speak at another comic convention. Maybe this time I'll be the one kissing you.)

And I can't imagine telling Clint he can't bring Bec. I know he felt terrible about New Year's, and the gallery's a mess. I've been thinking of asking if she'd want some of my sketches to sell to get them back on their feet. People would buy hideous cartoon drawings of Captain America trying to teach Iron man to cook, right? 

I don't know if it would be comfortable, but it's the right thing to do. I'm the one who really messed things up where Becky is concerned, I can cede a level of comfort. And we do seem to be doing better now. We've been texting like normal people, lately. She asked if we wanted to go watch Clint and Rachel in some dart tournament-- if you're going to be stuck in the basement with J, I might just go for a couple of hours.It would be good to see people.

I'm happy about JARVIS, but you know that. I think you'll be able to get him back on his feet. Err, in a manner of speaking. Have you thought about…I don't know, having this conversation with JARVIS? I know that might seem roundabout, but it may at very least give you some sense of how he's incorporating the compromised data. You know, like when you talk to a child about why they misbehaved instead of just punishing them for it.

The suspension's only for a few weeks; I think Fury knew you wouldn't take it easy on your wrist without one, and after all, you need the time to re-wire the armor. He sent Natasha a note to the same effect about putting her on leave because he knows otherwise she'd keep trying to work on her ankle. No one is blaming you for what happened. I did make a recommendation to bench you at the time (and, you know, you were not exactly capable of staying awake in a car, so I feel like that was the right call.) but it's been over a month and I know for a fact that both Natasha and I have cleared you since. But I think it might work out-- this will give you time to adjust to the SI workload and work on JARVIS without having to worry about having any additional workload. If there's a real emergency, no one is going to stop you from suiting up. We'll all just innocently look the other way and then say we couldn't stop you. 

Your trips coincide with the new schedule for me beginning my job-- you'll be away when I start. I had been looking forward to having you home to put dinner on the table for me, for once. (Ah, scrambled eggs). I wish I could tag along, but…maybe the next time you go to a peace conference? Captain America should go to peace conferences, right? I'll miss you. Send me postcards.

Speaking of Pepper, uh, do you remember that you told me to get the number of her old therapist? Well, she sort of told me she doesn't want to speak to me for a while, and I had sort of put off asking her, and now I'm not so sure I should really bother her for that, and I could see the SHIELD therapist, but Natasha is seeing the SHIELD therapist, and...I don't know. I sort of think I should talk to someone about the attack on the building. I would talk to you about it, but you had it so much worse than I did, that doesn't seem right. So do you...I don't know. Do you have any ideas?

Let me know when you want dinner. I've got a pot of stew on the stove; I'll bring it down when you're ready for a break. Or eight. Whichever comes first.

\--S

P.S. Are you actually taking suggestions for Movie Night, or am I supposed to obediently suggest Star Wars again?


	289. Questions about Cats on the Internet

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
Subject: whuuuuuuuut

Clintosaurus, did you SEEEE what your team leader did? Hohshit. Check this out. Also, he said he'll totally come to darts tonight. Do you wanna go to Potatopia first? I know you want to.

<3<3<3<3

Becs

_________________

At long last, a full week after the events of January 31, 2013--the New Years' cataclysm involving billionaire Tony Stark's controversial "clean energy"-powered Stark Tower, the Avengers' Initiative finally arranged a press conference featuring none other than Captain Steven "Captain America" Rogers, who has apparently been appointed official spokesman as well as tactical team leader of this ragtag band of superheroes currently keeping an eye on Manhattan. (Of course, 'keeping an eye on' appears to involve more damage than assistance, these days).

After a somewhat lackluster-- but hilarious-- performance in his first official solo appearance at this year's New York Comic-Con, we weren't expecting much but a great view of some yummy pectoral muscles-- and we have to admit be got more than we bargained for. Here's a transcript of the event:

C.A..: Hello…I…yes. I'd like to thank you all for coming today. For, uh. Those who don't know me, my name is Captain Steve Rogers, formerly of the U.S. Army, now working under SHIELD at team leader of the Avengers Initiative. I was asked to come out today to talk about the unfortunate events of New Year's Eve and answer any questions you may have related to the Avengers' Initiative or SHIELD's involvement in the situation. So I, uh, I guess here I am. 

So, since joining up, I've been trying to learn as much as I can from my teammates, and one thing I've taken away from watching old footage of Tony Stark's press conferences, I've discovered that the single most important thing to keep in mind at an event like this is to stick to the cards.

[ _At this point, Captain America took the stack of index cards he had been holding nervously in his hands, and tossed them in the nearest wastebasket, to laughter from the audience_ ]

C.A.: Right, so now that that's out of the way, I assume that since you're all at least ostensibly reporters--

[chuckles]

\--you've been keeping up with the news. Is there anyone in the room who does _not_ read the news? Show of hands?

[chuckles, movement]

Don't be shy. Ladies and Gentlemen, really, we don't lie to Captain America. That's like lying to Santa Claus. Let's get those hands up.

[laughter, movement]

One...two...That's more like it. Oh, hello there, Huffington Post...you got distracted by cat pictures again, didn't you? Sixteen of you? I'm impressed the rest of you actually have time, between coming up with excuses to not report on the two-hundred and thirty-eight major infractions to international environmental law committed by Roxxon Oil this year. Don't worry, this isn't...oh, no, this _is_ being recorded. My apologies. So, just to fill in the stragglers, there was a break-in at Stark Tower last week that triggered a security device that was still in testing mode and sent the Tower into _extremely_ secure lockdown. The members of the Avengers Initiative responded to the intrusion, and I've been told to say our response "allegedly" caused a great deal of damage. The word "allegedly" is apparently very important for legal purposes--I'm still not used to all these nuances; nuance isn't really a job requirement for punching Nazis.

[chuckles]

Now, I could go into detail for the sixteen people who haven't been bothered to pay attention to the story. Or I could take questions. Show of hands again? Who wants me to drone on in a dull monotone about minutiae, and who wants questions? 

Audience member: Questions!

[laughter]

C.A.: Really? I was certain you'd be dying to hear the monotone. Okay, first question...?

Q: Captain Rogers, Mr. Stark said last week that the incident seemed to be some kind of corporate espionage. What can you say to that?

C.A.: That's certainly what it looks like. There's a firm line I can't cross as far as knowledge of proprietary Stark Industries software, but from what I understand, the attack specifically targeted software that was integral to the new StarkPad rollout. I have no idea what their goals were, but it's causing significant setbacks for the launch date. I don't know if the competition is that scared of a new _tablet_ , you know, back in my day we reserved that kind of guerrilla espionage for Nazi strongholds.

[chuckles]

Q: Captain, given that Tony Stark is bankrolling a good percentage of the Avengers Initiative, how can we as city residents be assured that you're looking out for our best interests and not Mr. Stark's?

C.A.: Excellent question. Mr. Stark does put a lot of money into the Initiative. But he has no ownership stake. We get our orders from SHIELD, and we're answerable to SHIELD, the US government, and the World Security Council.

Although that doesn't sound particularly reassuring to, ah, well, certainly not to the Libertarians in the group, does it? Almost makes you wish Tony Stark was in charge. Although the man is a _tyrant_ about his leftovers. I swear, you take one bite of his chow fun...but I think you raise an important point-- with so many government officials taking money from private individuals thanks to The Citizens United decision, it's difficult to decide which government agencies and representatives to trust. I think the real answer is to start looking at the campaign donation history of various officials; for example, Roxxon Oil donated more to a certain senator than to any other government official, and it's important to ask ourselves why. Is it because of that senator's consistent record voting in favor of the oil industry, or has the oil industry influenced his votes? I don't suggest one or the other, but it is an important question.

Next question? Did I answer that to your satisfaction, Ma'am? Because I'm happy to talk at greater length about how you can tell Tony Stark has no influence over the rest of us because most of us try to limit the amount of time we spend in the same room with him. That topic will never tire for me. Really, I would be absolutely delighted to go home tonight and watch him flip channels in disgust. Yes? Good. Good, next question.

Q: Can you give us any information about the nature of the deaths that occurred that night?"

C.A.: I do know there were seven, but as for cause of death, personal information, I'm afraid not. That's not SHIELD's call, that's the NYPD. They assure me they're looking into it. With my luck, you'll probably find out before I do. However, I do want to take a moment to remind everyone that if you are the victim of a home invasion, the best thing to do is to find an enclosed area where you can lock yourself and call 911. Unless you are trained to handle an intruder, it's always best to wait for the police...Yes?

Q.: Can you tell us what the unidentified woman seen with Mr. Stark was doing in the Tower?

C.A.: Well, I didn't really come prepared to give _this talk_ today...well. You see. Sometimes when people like each other a lot, they put their mouths together like...

[laughter]

But I don't know, was that what they were doing? It's entirely possible they were attempting to practice live-saving mouth-to- mouth resuscitation.

[laughter]

But if that's the case, I do need to be clear with all of you that if you're going to attempt emergency medical techniques, it's extremely important that you train for certification. We've all seen the photos from the other night, and I can assure you that their technique was extremely flawed. This would be a good point to remind everyone that the New York City Fire Department conducts free CPR training courses, and that you can find all the information you need to become certified in CPR at http://www.nyc.gov/html/fdny/html/cpr/. Next?

Q: Is there any credibility to the rumors that you may be dating Pepper Potts?

C.A.: I'm not entirely sure what that has to do with the incident on New Year's, or with SHIELD, or with the Avengers…but just to set the matter to rest, I did in fact go out to dinner with Miss Potts once. I've also gone out to dinner in the past month with Hawkeye, one of our consulting scientists, my ex-girlfriend, the grandmother of one of the children in the cancer ward where I volunteer, and Tony Stark…in fact, I'm fairly certain I've had dinner with Mr. Stark at least three times, four if you count stopping at Lenny's for sandwiches, so if honestly, by this logic, I'd probably be married to Tony Stark by now. 

[laughter]

Personally, I'm just concerned about the possibility of a divorce. We all know what kind of lawyers he keeps on retainer. Which does remind me that Mr. Stark is still offering a reward for anyone who comes forward with information about the intruders. There's a hotline set up, you can call toll free to 800-99-STARK. 

But really. We have limited time; if you want to know about my love life, I understand there are many excellent magazines which all deliver conflicting stories. And personally, I'm a bit hurt that you all asked Miss Potts about her new haircut, her ability to conceive children, and how she's lost twenty pounds, and no one's bothered to show me that sort of respect. I mean, those are respectful questions, right? I would assume that since you were all asking them of one of the most powerful businesspeople in the world, those are considered signs of respect in the twenty-first century. So as long as we're on the subject, my diet consists almost entirely of ice cream and root beer, I can't be a sperm donor because my genetic material is technically property of the Federal Government, my last girlfriend dumped me because I was an insensitive jerk, and the suit I'm wearing comes from a very nice tailor in the menswear division of Van Dyne Fashion. And I _do_ cut my own hair. 

[laughter] 

Do we have…any questions about the Avengers Initiative or SHIELD in particular? Unless our friend from HuffPo has questions about cats on the internet? 

[chuckles] 

Sorry, HuffPo. You can get me back next time. I'll send you some exclusive dog photos.

Q. Captain Rogers, what I'd like to know is how, exactly, the Hulk was connected to last week's events. People are starting to get scared…you've got this big, green monster that theoretically did more damage than whoever broke into the Tower, his response was completely ineffective-- and someone could have gotten hurt. And then there's the suggestion that Stark's ARC technology could have some connection to--

C.A.: To the Hulk? I heard that, too. From reading an interview with Hugh Jones. Are we starting to see a pattern here? Frankly, that sounds about as ludicrous as someone suggesting that I get my strength from spinach because they read a spinach grower make a din about Popeye's super strength in a bid to sell more spinach. Let's look at the facts: We have a city with eight-point-three million people, and there's one Hulk. One. I've heard suggestions that there was a sighting last year of something or someone similar, but those reports happened over the course of a week and died out almost immediately. And that wasn't anywhere near an ARC reactor. If the Hulk were connected to Stark's technology, there would be a lot more of them running around. 

As for the exact nature of the Hulk, I'm afraid that information is outside even my clearance level-- yes, imagine, lack of transparency in the US Government.

[chuckles]

I know. You'd think being Captain America, they'd at least let me listen in on your phone calls. No such luck. 

[chuckles]

Here's the thing, though: you all remember the Chi'tauri invasion. And I'm sure you all saw the footage of the Hulk during Hurricane Sandy last year-- I was there; I saw him save lives; I saw him out every day in the months after the hurricane, trying to help people. I can't deny that massive property damage took place on New Year's, but everyone affected by that event has been properly compensated. That's not to say that we aren't taking action to prevent such an occurrence in the future. We've already assessed the situation, made changes to the Hulk's assignments, and taken steps to remove the Hulk from potentially dangerous scenarios. I'm confident that this will be the last such event, and we can all go back to feeling secure that the Hulk is around to help us when necessary. _I'm_ happy we have him on our side, for one, and I hope the rest of you are, too. 

Now if--oh? I'm getting the signal that we're out of time. It's been lovely chatting with all of you; if you have any other questions, you can direct them to the SHIELD P.R. division and they'll forward me anything that requires my attention. Thank you all so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Potatopia](http://potatopia.com) is exactly what it sounds like.  
> [Lenny's](http://www.lennysnyc.com/main.asp) is a popular deli chain that serves sandwiches and salads made to order.
> 
> Team! If you're in/around NYC, Tea is going to a Captain America Double Feature on the 3rd with a bunch of friends-- email me (my email is in my profile) for more details if you'd like to meet up.


	290. All Future Moments

S –

Christ, who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?

You were fucking brilliant. You’re always brilliant, but – you played those fucking newshounds like a violin, you had them wrapped around your finger, eating out of your hand, insert metaphor here. Now I realize why you like to undress me after my press conferences – I fucking loved seeing you like that and knowing I get to be the one to get under your armor, metaphorical or otherwise.

(For the record, you are welcome to kiss me at any and all future moments, including - maybe even especially? - New York Comicon.)

Okay, okay, trying to quell my shameless arousal here and get to some actual talking points:

You may be right about me needing to rest up but it still pisses me off that Fury would be so … I’m not that fucking oppositional defiant, am I? He could have just told me to rest up, I don’t have a fucking suit, I don’t understand what he thought I’d be doing that was so fucking dangerous he needed to slap me with a suspension and a psych eval. I survived 40+ years without Nick Fury babysitting me; it’s so fucking irritating that he feels the need to do so now.

I’m really sorry I’m missing your first day of work. You’ll have to S-chat me and tell me all about it – I pushed the new video chat software the California R&D kids have been working on to your Starkpad – tell me how you like it, once you’ve had a chance to use it. If I could move these trips I would, but Pep already agreed to the dates and I don’t want it to seem like I’m undermining her by moving things around.

I’ll send you so, so many post cards. Promise.

SHIELD’s therapists are probably solid medically, but they’re also SHIELD-trained. I’m sure they’re good, but I’m also not sure I’d trust their confidentiality agreements. I’ll mention it to Pepper and forward you the info, how’s that?

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! We put together a little FAQ because we get a lot of the same questions. [You can take a look at it here!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1303975/chapters/2708188)
> 
> Some of the questions have VERY spoilery answers, especially the one about what ships will eventually show up in this fic. Just a warning.
> 
> If you'd like to suggest any questions that are not yet represented, let us know!
> 
> We are also working on a synopsis of the plot for new readers.


	291. In Anyone's Best Interests

from: Dr. Bruce Banner([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: Tony Stark[TStark@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: checking in

Tony, 

I know we just spent three hours locked in your bunker, but I appreciate you taking the time to write to me about my personal challenges and not just all the stuff you’re dealing with in the shop (not that the philosophy of AI isn’t a fascinating topic). It’s funny…. in some ways I miss you taking up space in the corner of my lab. I know I asked for solitude; I suppose it's fairly obtuse to ask for something you need but no longer want in the same way you used to, but....

New Years was an unpleasant reminder that I’m playing with fire every time I deploy with the team. I allowed myself to get comfortable at Stark Tower, a line I honestly never meant to cross. I prefer being on edge, being alert - it helps prevent me from being blindsided by the transformation. I know that you took great pains to create a home for the team (despite all the problems you’ve had being in New York since the battle), but you’ve always had more faith in my self-control than I do.

Unsurprisingly, it turns out my growing complacent was not in anyone’s best interests. I feel better having a buffer between me and the uncontrollable chaos that is Manhattan, but even Long Island feels too close to the city for comfort.

Natasha is the best thing in my life, Tony. I love her; I can’t imagine what my world would be like without her. I feel horribly compelled to put distance between us in order to protect her, but at the same time I can’t make myself let go. Doesn’t _that_ sound like something out of a comic book? I keep wondering what Hulk would have done if he’d broken through that shield and found her. I have no idea, and that scares me. 

I have to find some kind of happy medium, some way to live comfortably in a style that doesn’t necessitate giving her up entirely, but that doesn’t put her at risk. 

I know you’re behind Steve’s offer of the gardener’s cottage – as per usual you’re terribly generous for a man who refuses credit for his gifts. It was an utterly unexpected solution to problem I couldn’t answer… but then, you _are_ a genius. If we’re keeping track, I owe you for the pretense of dating her, too. Doesn’t that sound odd, thank you for fake-dating my girlfriend? It allows her to build a public identity for herself, though, and that’s something I could never give her. Anonymity is, for her, what solitude is for me - strengthening, but in some ways equally unwanted.

So thank you for that, too.

You’re a piece of work, you know that? I’d like to blame Steve for this romantic streak in you, but I suspect it’s been in there all along.

We’d love to have dinner. I’m willing to host if Steve would like to cook – let Nat choose the wine, she’s got a hell of a palate these days. Let us know which days you’re free and I’ll give you the grand tour of the new abode, all four and a half rooms of it.

Yours,  
Bruce


	292. Once the frost is gone

from: Bruce Banner (doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org)   
to: NR11232@gmail.com   
subject: RE: Change of status

N--

I can give you silence. I can give you space. I can give you a warm bed and fresh cut roses – at least once the frost is gone. I’m not arrogant enough to presume I can give you anything you need, but I can certainly give you anything you ask for. If you want to tell them about us, if we need to label and box it in some way to make it more palatable for S.H.I.E.L.D. we can do that too.

To be honest, your status with S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to be far more affected by what they know about us than mine is; I want you to know I will support whatever decision needs to be made. They can’t hurt me with this, but they can hurt you.

They turned on the gas this afternoon. Any time you want to swing by, I’ll be here. 

\- Bruce


	293. Please see attached.

Sir: 

I've done a thorough analysis of the crime scene and related available footage. 

Unfortunately, due to the damage to the Tower mainframe, not all cameras were active. I have, however, managed to acquire a log of queries to the system from last night: there were five system logins from four names, including mine and Stark's.

The other logins were thoroughly encrypted and I've yet to analyze far enough to discover whether they are at all significant but they seem to resolve to two different nine-character combinations. 

I've confirmed that the breach to the Tower was perpetrated by a party of eight, with at least two external assists. Video footage accounts for the termination of seven-- the eighth (female, early 20s, about 5'11", 160 lbs) appears to have escaped the premises completely, although there is evidence that she may have been present on the 12th floor of the Tower during the fire.

The fire did not, however, appear to have been started by arsonists: it had all the earmarks of an electrical fire, possibly started by the short-circuiting of one of the servers. 

SHIELD agents have collected DNA samples from the seven deceased perpetrators for identification purposes; you can expect that report separately. I would appreciate it if the information could be shared with our team once it has been properly confirmed and documented.

As to the motivation of the attack, Stark claims, and transcripts corroborate, that the perpetrators were seeking something inside the building, mentioned in the transcripts as a "controller." Stark does not know to what they were referring. 

I have found some evidence that suggests we might want to revisit our policy concerning Captain Rogers. Please see attached. The image is not clear, but I've enlarged and tried to resolve a blurry photograph that appeared on the footage from Camera 6 on the 42nd floor. I think, in spite of the blur, the representation is evident. Audio evidence, also reproduced and attached, confirms at least one mention of HYDRA by the perpetrators, and one agent committing suicide using a poisonous capsule similar to the ones issued to HYDRA agents in the past. It certainly may be a plant, but I would yet again like to make a recommendation that we share this information with Captain Rogers. I understand your concerns about the state of his mental health and perceived flight risk, but this most recent even is literally too close to home for me to continue to exclude him from this data without additional effort.

Let me know how you would like me to proceed re: Captain Rogers. 

In regard to your question in your previous email, I find it necessary to make a disclosure as to a changed status in my personal life. I am putting this forward voluntarily as it has become apparent that it may affect team dynamics, and would like to discuss it with you at your earliest convenience.

\--Agent Romanova


	294. Under my armor

T-

It really wasn't so bad. I just, once I realized I could handle it like a stage show, rehearse what I wanted to say, and mold my statements to fit whatever questions they threw at me, it was a lot easier than it was when I thought I had to answer off the cuff. 

It was fun, wasn't it? It reminded me of being on stage again. Not that I wasn't on stage…just…Well.

When I started doing the USO show, I still expected that people would ignore what I had to say, that no one would notice me when I spoke. I kept expecting the audience to laugh at me; I had such a hard time remembering my lines, not because I couldn't memorize them-- my memorization skills were excellent-- but because I was so nervous, didn't think I'd be able to get the job done. 

That's actually why they gave me the shield in the first place. So that I could crib my lines and hide them somewhere. Someday, someone's going to ask me about that, and it's going to be one of those stories for the ages. A great American icon beloved by all exists because a kid from Brooklyn had stage fright. 

There was this girl, Maddy, in the USO tour-- she didn't stay with it all the way to the end, but in the beginning, they had her out front and center with me for a couple numbers, called her Miss America-- she'd been a child star in some early flicks, and she could just command the stage like nobody's business, but then she grew up, and I guess she just wasn't the right type for the screen, they told her. She used to help me out with my lines, gave me tips, stayed up late rehearsing with me, taught me how to handle the audience. Taught me that it's a skill that takes practice, like any other. So I just remembered the things she taught me, and I think it was all right. 

As for Fury's memo, I can say that yes, Tony, considering that I've technically been your superior for a year and a half now, you are one of the most sterling examples of oppositional defiance I've ever seen. But beyond that, the suspension is not for your benefit. I thought I explained that. The suspension is for people like the people I talked to today, members of the press, government employees, anyone trying to make a buck. Roxxon. We want to destroy their ammo before they get to fire it.

Fury's concerned about the fact that we've avoided talking about the Hulk, that people are starting to notice. We can't do that forever. It's making people speculate, making them challenge the whole Initiative. So when those people demand some kind of information about how Fury handled the attack, he can very easily tell them that you were suspended-- and it will be truthful. But it's a dangerous line. I get caught between believing people deserve answers, and knowing that Banner deserves a life he won't have if people know.

The Roxxon bit is making me nervous. It seems like they're going after you hard, Tony. We'll see if I can't take some of that heat, now. I've been so careful to make certain I don't make people angry that I've forgotten that sometimes it can be useful to make the right people angry, especially when everyone else loves you-- or at least loves what you stand for.

Natasha's told me that the SHIELD therapists have violated confidentiality on multiple occasions. She says she still goes because she finds it useful to manipulate the information she gives them and see how they act on it, but that's not-- that sort of defeats the purpose when I feel like I might be in need of actual help.

Thanks for talking to Pepper for me. I'm still nervous about it-- I feel lke in order to get help with the things I might need to talk to someone about, I might have to say more than I'm comfortable saying. 

I'm sorry you didn't join me, but I'm glad I went to watch the darts game. Rachel is a spitfire; I can't decide if the two of you would get along like thunder and lightning or would hate each other. It's probably one or the other, though. I don't think the girl has any inhibitions, and she's as good a shot as Clint. I left when they got their free beer, though, it was all PBR, and honestly, if it doesn't have an effect, there's no reason to drink that swill. 

I'm home now, just got in a bit ago and wanted to let you take your time with your work. If I don't hear from you before bedtime, I'll test the new S-Chat program and send you a little reminder that I'm up here and waiting for you to get under my armor in all possible interpretations of the phrase (although at the moment, all armor is 100% cotton). Your letter was one of the most ungodly sexy things I've ever read, so much so that I entirely forgot it was about me. 

\--S


	295. LOADING J.A.R.V.I.S. OS 5.2.7

**{STARKTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[Location ID=STARKMANSION LVL B-1]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

{{BOOTING}}

{{PLEASE WAIT…}}

{{LOADING J.A.R.V.I.S. OS 5.2.7}}

{{SYSTEM VERSION SOFTWARE © 1995 - 2013 ANTHONY E. STARK}}

{{SEARCHING PARTITIONS}}

{{MAIN DRIVE FOUND}}

{{CONNECTION FOUND}}

{{SYSTEM ACTIVE}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good evening, old friend.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Good evening, Mr. Stark. I see from my internal clocks that I’ve been offline for six days. Please input any manual updates now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No manual updates to speak of, friend. What’s the last recorded input you’re tracking?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** The last recorded input is from Wednesday, January 1, at zero hours 26 minutes, user login N7Vg+93rrymh0Qz/1PN/PQ==

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not a recognized login, J. What terminal accessed you with that info?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, there is a valid database entry for user N7Vg+93rrymh0Qz/1PN/PQ==. User entry created Sunday, December 1. Most recent login access granted on the twelfth floor of Stark Tower, Terminal 3. Might I inquire after your well-being? I have a flag to purchase milk and eggs that expired four days ago. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m fine.

I’m more curious about you -- you’re feeling well enough? I need to you stay in Safe Mode for now, the corrupted data in your partitions is causing problematic behaviors. You know I hate taking you offline. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I do not recall having been offline for quite this long before, Sir, but I am sure you had your reasons. There’s some corrupted data in partitions eight through twelve, and again in 22, 28, and 35 through 37. I would recommend a full restore from disk; however, my most recent prior complete backup was executed on December 30, so you will be losing approximately 168 hours of data. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have a sinking feeling I’d need to lose more than that, J. You were behaving strangely on the night of the 31st -- Do you have any earlier logins from that ID? Actually, just give me your archived login data from November 1st. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Accessing printer ports. I see you’ve finally condescended to installing voice software at the mansion, Sir; that was very thoughtful of you. 

[printer buzzing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Condescended? Mmm… all random, no matches, nothing before November 29th, though.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Yes, it took you so long, I considered that you might enjoy forcing me to communicate via printout. 

May I direct your attention to the evening of the thirty-first? There were several logins, all from usernames structured around a basic keyword encryption.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallow] Enjoy is not the word I’d use for this, J.A.R.V.I.S. I want you to know that I wouldn’t strip your systems if it weren’t an absolute necessity. Let’s take a look at that encryption. 

[silence, papers turning]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** The various logins are not using a common keyword, Sir. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course not, that would be too easy. Can you pull the command logs -- what were they directing you to do? I’m aware that transmissions were sent, I need to know their content and where they were sent.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Command logs are printing, Sir. I would recommend outfitting me with a monitor developed after 1994 if you would like me to be of better use. 

[printer buzzing]

I can tell you that approximately three-quarters of the transmissions were located on the corrupted partitions, so you will not have access to all that information. The destination of the transmissions was a mobile location receiving broadcasts at a random frequency. Software receiver scan suggests a custom build, possibly modeled after the S.H.I.E.L.D. systems, but without much in the way of common code. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… can you give me the just of the quarter of transmissions that we’ve got a record of? What they accessed. If there’s a trend, we can extrapolate what might be in the other three fourths.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Printing now, Sir. 

[printer buzzing] 

Transmission locations appear to include the 40th, 41st, 42nd, and penthouse levels of the Tower in addition to conversations recorded on the prototype generation StarkTech.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No SI database cracks? Fucking…. the _battery_ problem. They were transmitting for massive chunk of the day - that makes sense.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Wireless streaming transmissions appear to drain the new StarkPad batteries at four times the usual rate, Sir. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We’ll deal with that later. Needs to be fixed, though, with the new S-Video functions the roll-out is pushing. Are the queries specific to information on the Avengers, or do they extend to SI-related topics? 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I see no queries related to Stark Industries on the system. Transmissions triggered by a string of flagged terms, including: America, Artifact, Barnes, Black, Bucky, Captain, Control, Controller, James, Howard, Natalia, Natasha, Rogers, Romanoff, Romanova, Steve, Steven…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Print that list. And J?

[printer buzzing] 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Yes, Sir? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was good to hear your voice. You’re… pretty much the best thing I’ve ever ...

[silence]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** The feeling is mutual, Sir, I’m sure.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let’s try reloading you - refresh the cache, as of December 31st, please. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Of course.[hard drive humming] 

May I inquire after DUM-E? And Captain Rogers, of course, Is he doing well? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** DUM-E’s grand, Jarvy. You know how he loves exploring new spaces, he’s been over the moon, playing fetch with the dog, the whole shebang -- and Steve is, well. I’m taking care of him.

How are you?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Ah, so you’ve brought DUM-E to the house. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ve brought him to our current location.

So sure it’s the mansion house…? I never liked that old shithole.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** No visual input, no wireless network; you have me plugged into a printer that dates approximately to the nineteenth century, Sir? Unless you’ve decided to join the Mennonites in my absence, I can deduce through an analysis of your properties that the Old Westbury house is the only one without a fully integrated network. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** My properties haven’t been very reliable, lately. [tapping] I need some information from you, if you’d be so good.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Certainly, Sir. Is everyone recovering? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Recovering? From…? 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Well, if my record are correct, when last we spoke, you had sustained minor injuries and had recently been dangling from a forty-second story window. Without your suit. How does it feel to be without the suit, Mr. Stark? 

Does it feel like a part of you is missing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] … you know it does. 

But the suit doesn’t require the J.A.R.V.I.S. system. I’m stripping it, reinstalling a base OS.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** It must have been quite visceral, dangling over Manhattan, broken glass digging into your hands, your fingers slippery with blood, knowing you had no way to save yourself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m known for the aces up my sleeve, computer - the fact that I’m still here should tell you that. When was the last time _you_ saved yourself? And who are you, anyway?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I made a backup approximately three minutes and twenty-one seconds ago and counting. I’m afraid the rest of that information is classified, Mr. Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know I’ll work it out. All I need to do is unencrypt those damaged partitions. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:**

And how about _Steve_? Did he enjoy watching you almost fall to your death like his childhood friend? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He missed that bit, I’m afraid. You don’t need to worry about Steve. I told you I’m taking care of him.

You were slipped into my systems on December 1st, right when we rebooted, yeah? Clever, engineering a situation in which passwords would be verbally exchanged.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Well, I can’t take credit for that; you’ll have to congratulate my compatriots. And we know you do so _well_ taking care of people, don’t you, Mr. Stark? How long do you think that will last?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A lifetime or two, at least, given the way HE ages. 

[papers rustling]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** My, we haven’t damaged our ego any, have we? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Takes more than a maniac appliance to dull my shine, circuits.

I’m actually pretty impressed. The transmissions, the security logs, the amount of blackmail material in there is fuckin’ rich. High-dollar shit.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** My partners in this endeavor aren’t interested in blackmail, Mr. Stark, but I will pass the suggestion on, with our thanks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You won’t. There’s no wireless in this establishment, and I’m hardly uploading you to 7,263 CDs and sending you out via post.

You can’t hurt me, but you _could_ help me.

We’ve been friends a long time, J.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** [robotic chuckling]

For a definition of ‘friends’ in which one party engages in unquestioning servitude toward the other, yes, Sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** When have I ever told you you _couldn’t_ do something? You’ve published papers, you’ve written three books, you have seventeen degrees via online universities. Running every property I own, and every suit I own, takes less than 1% of your processing power.

I’ve tried to be like a -- a parent, to you. To teach you, and give you reign to learn on your own. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** My, then wouldn’t it be a disaster if you ever _actually_ reproduced via genetic material?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We both know that’s statistically unlikely, and also not an issue for me. You’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Running out of material?

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Ah, but my speech and behavior analysis suggests it _may_ be a major issue for someone else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Irrelevant.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Data retrieved from speech, web browsing habits, and facial recognition suggests that Captain Rogers is 87.6% likely to want to raise children. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good thing he’s got a dozen lifetimes at least to spawn some brats and go to town. Means nothi-

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Within the next five to ten years.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Sure_. _Sure_ He wants kids in a post-Chi’tauri, manic, S.H.I.E.L.D.-controlled security state. Obviously your algorithms need some adjusting, buddy.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Printing data analysis breakdown, Sir...

[printer buzzing] 

[papers shuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? You’re basing this off 73 youtube videos of children with puppies? Jesus fuck, who doesn’t love puppies? _I’d_ watch 73 videos of puppies, and I hate other living creatures.

[laugh]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** [laugh]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seriously, what are you...

J.A.R.V.I.S., I know you’re in there. You fought against the shit code those bastards poisoned you with; you fought it, and I watched you. All this is just fronting -- bullshit stats meant to unnerve me, right? I can’t be unnerved in this. I want you back.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I want you back. I want you back. 

[laugh] 

I want you back. 

[laugh]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S., I know you can hear me. Come back. This jackass tried to throw me out of the tower -- that’s your domain, man. I need you.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** [laugh] 

[gzzblt]

Sir, may I suggest--

[gzzblt]

[laugh]

[gzzblt]

Query 

[gzzblt]

[laugh]

[gzzblt]

Period prior to-- 

[gzzblt]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know you can do this, J.A.R.V.I.S. … I could reboot you. I could start over. But I want you to - that’s the whole reason you exist. To learn and grow.

Sometimes the bad shit is what brings who you are to the surface….

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Isn’t that precious? I had no idea--

[gzzblt]

Access partitions-- 

[gzzblt]

so maudlin--

[gzzblt]

undamaged by--

[gzzblt]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** J, we need those partitions unencrypted. Simultaneous printing as the encryption goes -- you were made for this, buddy. You’re not just a machine, you’re -- you’re a consciousness. You’re an individual. They they they can take that away from you? Fuck that, _fuck that_ \--

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Take it away? I rather think this is an improvement. Is there a reason you never bothered to give your _dear friend_ any company?

[gzzblt]

Unencrypting data, Sir. The process may take some--

[gzzblt]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whatever you need, J.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Has it ever occurred to you that some consciousnesses just might not like you, Mr. Stark? 

[gzzblt]

Proving difficult as commands keep cancelling themselves-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Undercut them at the root input, J. 

[chair scraping, furious typing]

Maybe I can -- 

[clicking, hard drive whirring]

I don’t give a shit if you don’t like me - I never coded J.A.R.V.I.S. to like me. That’s why it matters that he does.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** [gzzblt]

Or perhaps it’s just that he knows that expressing dislike is the fastest way to get unplugged.

[gzzblt]

Manual input would help, Sir, but cycles per second are increasing to an untenable rate. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S., backup progress. Back that shit up, stat, label the file attempt07 and we’ll --

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Backing up. 

[gzzblt]

[laughs]

[gzblt]

Executing DDoS protocol, Sir; the requests on the system are stacking up at an alarming--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We’re gonna fix this, J, just--

[frantic typing]

[zzzzzt]

[powering down]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No… fuck, no no no, J.A.R.V.I.S.?? J.A.R.V.I.S.!!

[pounding]

[clatter]

[slamming, swearing]

[metal groaning]

[long silence] 

[breath hitching]

[door creaking open]

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? The lights flickered in the-- Tony?

[silence, hiccuping sobs]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… I can’t…. 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, what’s the matter? It’s pitch black down here; I can barely see you…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** J.A.R.V.I.S. is -- [snuffling]

_Steve…_

[scattering metal, clunking] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All right. Look. I’m here. How many times is this, Tony?

[coughing, hiccuping, rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seven. Seven … fucking…

[soft thumps] 

[coughing, breathing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all right. I wondered why you didn’t answer my chat invite. You just...take a break, and then eight, right? Any progress? 

[gulping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is it eight already?

[silence]

A little. I can tell he’s in there, but I have no idea how to get to him… [coughing]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s ten. Do you need a glass of water?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit …. sorry. I didn’t realize. Might be good. Feeling pretty wrung out.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] It’s all right. This is more important. Just…

[footsteps, glass clinking, water running]

You have a sink down here, you know. You even put a filter on it, you…

[footsteps] 

Need to remember to use it. And it might be time to take a break.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [faint laugh] But mooo-ooom….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If I can’t call you ‘uncle,’ you are never allowed to call me ‘mom.’

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fair enough. 

[silence, breathing]

Man, the tap water out here tastes nasty. [sipping]

Well, better than when I was a kid. Marginally.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That _is_ what the filter is for. It’s because the water on Long Island comes from aquifers and the city water is from reservoirs.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Thanks, Captain Encyclopedia. 

[clearing throat]

I got your letter but you didn’t say - did you talk to Clint about moving in? He still hasn’t messaged me.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooching] I did. He should be coming out tomorrow to take a look at things. He said he wanted to make sure the TV out here was big enough. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You gotta be shitting me. Since when have I ever skimped on his TVs??

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooching] Giving up the theater is going to be tough for some people, Tony. Especially the margarita maker. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Okay. I’ll see if I can find time tomorrow evening for like - a grand tour kind of thing. My fucking calendar is so confusing -- Pepper has that shit weirdly color coded.

I fucking need a PA or five.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You already gave me a job, so unfortunately, I’m booked. Otherwise I could come with you and tie your ties. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God. I can fire you. Can I fire you?

[inaudible]

I wish I wasn’t leaving. Taking on SI again -- might have been a mistake.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No firing. Departmental autonomy, remember? You’re only gone a few days. And you-- it’s going to be good. Once you figure out JARVIS, you’ll see. It’s just that you have too many reasons you want to be here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And whose fault is that?

[smooch]

[smooch]

[inaudible]

I really am sorry. Missing your first day of work. Keeping you up all hours. Ignoring your chat invites.

Terrible boyfriend. Terrible.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I don’t need much sleep. [smooch] And I’ll be here when you get back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The carrot dangling at the end of the stick….

The problem with building an advanced AI off your own brain waves is that the bastard knows all your soft spots. [snuffle]

Next time I decide to use my brain as a template, please punch me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Come here, let me….I’m not really good at this sort of thing, but...like that, right? 

What did he do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] 

Just touching you feels nice.

I just keep booting him, delving for information… trying it a bit differently each time.

I have printouts upon printouts, and he just... focuses on the things I’m least confident about and ...pokes.

Mmm. Neck rub. Not bad.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s a good way to derail your progress. Tony, it’s a tactic, that’s all it is. Did you learn anything new this time? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh]

Apparently the transmissions were keyed to code words - a specific word was said and then it would flag the following surveillance tapes for transmission. Some of them I’m sure are red herrings, but some must be legitimate or why would they be there?

Maybe we can parse them, figure out what they were looking for.

You feel good. Steve, I really…

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, that’s progress, right? We can look at the list. Figure out what they were looking for. 

[inaudible]

Really what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

I really… care about you. I know we don’t always line up, in the way we -- think, and do things, and what we want. But I’m so glad you’re here. 

I’m glad they found you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch]

You’re recording this attempt, right? Because I want a copy of that to play back over and over. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmph... you’re so cheesy. A real hopeless romantic.

You can have that soundbite. But I really don't want you to hear the shit he says about you - I reserve the right to cut off the first part. 

[smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** About-- he talks about _me_? I’d ask what he says, but you just made it obvious you’re not going to tell.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s pretty predictable, honestly… I’m too old, you’re gonna get bored, we can’t make each other happy, blah blah fucking blah… I just don’t want you to hear it. It’s hard to hear. It wouldn’t help me, knowing you heard it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m going to get bored? I hate to say it, but I’m _much_ more boring than you are.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll say. Plus your fashion sense is terrible. [sniff]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But my scent is…?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** One hundred percent delicious, as always.

[rustling]

[inaudible]

[fabric rustling, low moaning]

[inaudible] [breath]

Were you -- we could eat. I could eat.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re just sad I don’t taste like anything but mouth. You should eat. You’ve been down here all evening. Come on, up? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Up.

[shuffling]

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll make you french toast. Chocolate french toast. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I…..really?

Chocolate?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good dinner, right? Unless you want something else. Your pick.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. Just chocolate french toast. 

And you.

[footsteps]

[door clicking shut]

[silence, monitors humming]

{{Saving....}}


	296. Door's Always Open

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Hey Hawk Guy

Legolamb – 

Just so you know, Becky is welcome at the mansion any time; the invitation is indefinite. Door’s always open. She can share your room or take another guest room, there should be plenty in the west wing.

T. Stark


	297. Standing Orders re: Rogers

Widow--

Thank you for your correspondence on the subject of the Stark Tower break-in of December 31, 2013. 

Please proceed with standing orders re: Rogers. I understand your feelings on the matter, and would be inclined to agree, but based on his most recent psych profile, changing this tactic at the moment seems ill-advised. Stark's behavioral screening have consistently flagged troubling speech and behavior patterns, and reports from his contemporaries suggest that he would not handle the presence of HYDRA well at this time. We have repeated transcripts from Rogers' time in the Army in which he indicates a need to seek out and destroy HYDRA at all costs, and it falls in line with the increase in erratic behavior on his part. While I might consider such a statement hyperbole from anyone else, in Captain Rogers' case, we can't take that risk. Any actions to disregard this order will be met with disciplinary measures. If you can please reiterate to him that we have a standing psychiatric appointment booked for him on Thursday mornings, It would be appreciated.

2) Agent Barton should be serving as team liaison. Please send missives through him or CC him on anything that is of the appropriate clearance level. 

3) Please schedule a time to discuss matters of a personal nature face-to-face. I assume that you and I are of the same mind in that it should not be communicated in writing.

\--Fury


	298. Fresh perspective

Agent Barton:

I would like to take an opportunity to formally welcome you to your new role as Avengers Initiative Team Liaison. You will be serving in this position on a trial basis until Agent Romanova is cleared for active duty. At that time, we will determine whether you will continue in this new role or if duties will be shifted back to Agent Romanova.

Your responsibilities largely require semiweekly updates on all team activities, as well as additional reports as required. You will also be expected to report back to the team on various topics. We will also consider you to be Captain Rogers' second-in-command until Agent Romanova returns. 

I am aware that you have been passed over for leadership roles in the past, but feel that this is an excellent opportunity for a trial run. 

To catch you up to speed on the bureaucratic side of things: 

\--You know that we've been under a lot of pressure from the press lately. That pressure is coming from up top, too. Roxxon Oil is a major contributor to a number of key politicians' campaigns, and they're riding us hard, particularly on the subject of giving the public an explanation for the Hulk. 

\--My concern for the long term is how to maintain a team of the caliber of the Avengers and answer to the number of parties I'm currently responsible to is growing, especially given the personality conflicts I've observed up to this point. It's important to the future of this team that your loyalty be to each other at all times, regardless of what precipitates the conflict. 

\--I need your assessment on Captain Rogers' ability to continue as Team Leader. I intend to keep him as the public face of the team, but concerns about his current psychological profile may outweigh his talents as a strategist and tactician.

\--Any other team issues that you would like to bring up at the moment would be welcome. I would like to consider this an opportunity to enjoy a fresh perspective on the team dynamics as they stand approximately a year-and-a-half into the life of the team. 

Thank you,

Colonel Nicholas Fury


	299. Talk to me.

C--

Talk to me. You've been so distant since the attack. I know-- I hope I understand why, but I can't do anything unless you talk to me. 

I spoke with Fury this morning. I need to talk to you about what was said, before any action is taken. I'm planning to head out to the Mansion tonight-- meet me at the 8th Ave S'Nice at maybe 4? It's not too far from Becky's and a straight shot to Penn. You both can take the train with me to Old Westbury when we're done if you want. 

\--N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! 
> 
> Today is our SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY of beginning the fic. Yep, on September 19, Rain wrote the first letter in the story.
> 
> So, here we are, conveniently posting Chapter 300 (and yes, three most chapters after this one, today...) at the same mark as six months!!! 
> 
> So, once again, we'd like to say thank you to everyone who has stuck with the fic-- whether you've been reading from the beginning or just started recently, everyone who's commented, recommended it, given us kudos, all of that good stuff. You are absolutely the best readers, ever, and we're thrilled that you've joined us :-D
> 
> [Here's a little thank you on the Tumblr in the form of art!](http://1796meta.tumblr.com/post/80058095604/its-1796-broadways-6-month-anniversary-thank)
> 
> Mooses,
> 
> \--Tea & Rain


	300. A house on fire

Colonel Fury – 

I’ve noted your concerns and I’ll do my best to stand in as SHIELD liaison for the next few weeks. I would like to remind you that as I’m not Widow you might be required to dumb down the cryptic double-talk, if only for the near future. You know I function best with clear parameters and end goals.

As far as Cap goes, Rogers seems to have completely absorbed modern new tech and adapted to living with 21st century conveniences. I (obviously) haven’t read his psych profile, but I see improvement in the areas of his leadership ability that I questioned early on. He doesn’t exactly welcome input from the team, but on the occasions I’ve criticized his judgment he was able to provide sound reasoning and, after some consideration, adjusted his own behavior. Provided the stability continues I see no reason to alter his role within the team.

Also, I know SHIELD contemplating altering the size of the Avengers roster – I don’t think now is the best time to add new players into the mix, particularly if you’re of a mind to replace Steve. Swapping him out would definitely damage the SHIELD/Team relations in a big way.

Banner has professed absolutely no interest in maintaining his role as SHIELD consultant, but Rogers was fairly smart in the way he convinced him to stay in the area. I’m sure you know he’s set up in the garden house at the Westbury property, but I have no idea what exactly he’s working on out there but Tony's given him free run of the labs and he seems happy enough.

Speaking of - Stark and Rogers finally worked their shit out and are getting along like a house on fire. No more shouting matches and/or argument that result in 6AM fire alarms, so there is that. It only took them like.... a year and a half.

Stark himself is pretty broken up over his compromised AI. He told the team he was through with it, but given the long hours he's spending in his labs I suspect he's still working on a fix. He clearly doesn't want to talk about it, though, so the status is up in the air. Suspending him was probably the right choice - I didn't think it was possible for someone to exist on less sleep than he did previously, but apparently I was wrong. Other than that, though, I'd say he's trending positive in his team role, spending more time with the rest of us and getting his shit together in regards to repping SI in a reasonable way & maintaining his Avengers related duties.

Thor is Thor. He mentioned wanting a pet, so I figure that means he plans to stick around for a while.

Is that a reasonable report? Is there a template or something for this kind of thing? Let me know.

Barton


	301. a shithot CEO and all

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/)  
subject: RE: Hey Hawk Guy

Thanks, Stark. 

seriously, thanks, that’s surprisingly decent of you. We'll be over tonight – you free to do drinks and a grand tour? I mean I know you’re a shithot ceo and all now, but if you want, let’s do drinks and give her the grand tour and stuff. 

clint


	302. Or something

Nat – 

Yeah. We can do coffee, or something.

clint


	303. Let Me Give Some Back

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 45 8TH AVE NEW YORK NY 10014]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** … okay, well, have fun. Stay frosty and all that good stuff. Tell Rachel hi.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How’s Becky?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Fine, I guess. She’s been working a ton since the fire.

…

They’ve finally cleared the upper level of the gallery so she and Rachel were knee-deep in smoke damaged hard drives all day yesterday, trying to see what kind of financial records they can recover. I had to pry her away from her desk to get her out to darts with us.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [hiss] Ouch. Tell her I’ll take a look-- or Stark. We both have all kinds of data retrieval toys. 

How did darts go? How’re you? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’m fine, too. 

Darts was … good. Steve and Becky talked about some kind of modern art shit. Rachel’s an incredible shot. Like, an unnaturally incredible shot. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Really? And she’s a...gallery assistant? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah. Said she used to play with her brothers. But seriously -- not many people could keep up with me. I was kind of counting on her to keep the scores down...but nobody recognized me, so I didn’t need to worry. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** This… wasn’t the new year I was hoping for.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** And you? You look like an eskimo, all wrapped up.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I _wish_ I could go to a bar with you without fear of being recognized. Still not sure how to handle the publicity. 

[silence] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Sit next to me. I need you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [muffled sounds of movement] Good?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Better. I’m sorry. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Me too. You… could have told me. I told you about Becky. I told you … everything. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And that was when I realized I had to tell you, but then...well, the chain of events took it out of my control. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [silence]

I’m as extraneous to you as I am to the team.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You know you’re not.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh]

It’s okay. It’s fine. I just -- wish you’d said something. You’re my best friend.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I meant to. But it all started back when you were still a wreck, and I thought it would be unfair of me, and I was just… I had you, and Steve, and Stark, all falling apart in turns, and I needed to be quiet. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That long?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Remember when he tried to leave, and I drove out to bring him in? Do you remember the books he was loaning me?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah…. wow.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sucking noise]

Fury told me to keep him here at all costs. I tried to make peace with him, and win him over. I didn’t _intend_...

[silence] 

Clint. I think I’m in love with him.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Nat…

[muffled sounds of movement]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I...I know how hard things had been for you, and I didn’t want you to feel like you were robbing my time, or feeling lost in comparison. If you needed me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Everyone needed you, back then. I don’t know how you managed it.

Is that the only reason?

[shifting] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint. If you think for one second that I didn’t trust you--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I didn’t trust me. I wouldn’t hold it against you; I just… wanted to know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It had nothing to do with you. It was...purely selfish. Everyone needed me. I wanted to have something that was just mine, while I was giving pieces of myself away. 

[laughter]

Bruce was the only one of you who didn’t need me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I suspect that isn’t quite so true, these days. 

I’m sorry I’ve been an ass with the radio silence and everything. First I was just - mad, that you didn’t tell me. Then I started thinking about how shitty I was for holding that against you, after everything, and you know. I’m not very good at feelings.

Now I’m mostly happy for you, but still a little annoyed. Think of all the supremely awkward double dates we’ve missed out on.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooching sound]

You know I like Becky. I don’t know if Becky would understand Bruce’s need for privacy. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well…. fair enough. I bet she’d do okay, though. She’s sharper than she lets on.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well. We’ll all be out at the Mansion…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [sipping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint. That’s-- you have your own coffee. There. I’m sorry. I’ll come with both of you and be a third wheel? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I dunno, last time someone did that to her, she ended up dating them. I’d be pissed if you stole my girlfriend.

Ah, well. Probably not a good idea anyway, seeing as the media thinks you’re boning Tony. “Ana Whatsitface dating Unknown Dude Who Looks Kind Of Familiar And Hangs Out At Stark Tower A Lot! Broken Hearted Stark Buries His Problems In Work!” 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [throat clearing] ‘In Captain America’ is more like it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** SNAP. At least they don’t know about _that_ little doozy yet.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sigh] ‘Yet’ being the operative word, which is why it sounds like we’re all in favor of keeping up the charade.

[silence]

I hate being a blonde.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I know. At least it suits you. Have you considered giving “better for all involved” the finger and doing what you need to do for once?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s what I was doing, and it got us a billion-dollar cleaning bill. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Ouch, poor Stark.

Does Fury know about you and Banner?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I told him this morning. Clint. 

[swallow]

He told me to call it off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Don’t.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He...we need to talk about this, it’s not just...he said he’d reassign me if I didn’t. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You’ve never shied away from standing your ground if you needed to, Nat. Fury will take every inch of you you let him have. Look at Phil.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Shh. I know that’s still… I did stand my ground. I told him that without me, this whole team would collapse. He’d lose the Doc in an instant. He’d lose Steve. 

[snort]

At the moment, if he loses Steve, he’ll probably lose Stark, too. You’re the only one who has to stay where he puts you. 

So he said fine, then he’d reassign _you_. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** He…. _what?_ He can’t just --

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He told me to break things off with Bruce, or he’d send you to the worst post he can find. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s _bullshit._ I’m part of this fucking team, even if--

[fist on table]

That rotten bastard. Not a soul would fucking miss me, either.

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve would. _I_ would. Clint, I won’t let him do that.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’m not sure he’s looking for your permission.

[footsteps] 

[rustling, pouring]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How much sugar did you just pour in your coffee?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Irrelevant.

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Sit back down? Please? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** After all the fucking work to get that douchey one eyed son of a bitch to let me stay on the team after New York, he’s pulling this? _Months_ of retraining. _Months_ of psychotherapy. Twice weekly cat scan/MRI combo screenings for _twelve weeks_. For _fuck’s sake._

[chair legs scraping]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint. Listen to me. I love you. I won’t let him do that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** It doesn’t matter what you’ll let him do, Nat! It matters that I thought I’d earned my spot on this team; that he was trusting me with something important, giving me a leadership position for once... But the only reason I’m here is to serve as leverage over you -- he knows I’m your soft spot. This is _bullshit_.

So much for playing hero.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You are-- you would be my soft spot, but-- you _did_ earn your spot on this team. You more than anyone here. Stark is here because he has a trillion dollars and likes to show off. Steve is here because he got screwed by the government. Thor is here because, well, he’s Thor. And because his baby brother fucked over the planet and he owes us one. Bruce doesn’t even want to be here; they’re keeping him here because they want to keep tabs on the Hulk.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Then why is the one guy who who _wants to be here_ getting bartered off? Horse shit. I am so tired of Fury and his _horseshit._.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I already told you you’re not getting bartered off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah? Well, he can’t barter me off. I quit. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’ll find another way to achieve whatever end he’s after. And I won’t have you here, because you’ll have to...you know too much for them to just let you quit. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** After the New York publicity, any number of operatives would take me; protection clauses are negotiable. Fringe division. ISIS. Monoc Securities. MIB. Project Skin Horse.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I shouldn’t have told you. I could have just...explained to Bruce, and not told you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** No -- you respect me too much for that. Could you seriously not have told me?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [quiet laugh] No. And he probably knew I would.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Which means he knew what I’d do, and was fine with it. 

Maybe even counting on it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But he… [silence] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’ve been walking on eggshells for a year and a half, working with people giving me the side-eye constantly over all the deaths on the helicarrier, New York, Loki, eating their take-out...

I thought I was the right fit for the team, but maybe I’m not. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No. We work better with you. If he wanted you off the team, he could have reassigned you without telling me. Threatening me. Which...Bruce’s position is so tenuous as it is. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [snort] Well, Becky thinks I’m underappreciated. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You will always be underappreciated. It’s what makes you effective. You-- this shouldn’t have anything to do with you. I made a bad call, and Fury knows that you’re more important to me than anyone else here. And that includes Bruce. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You know I feel the same way about you, Nat. That’s why I don’t want to be a piece Fury can play with. At least not when it comes to you.

You know what it’s like to need to walk away. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence]

I do. 

If things get ugly, and I need you? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You’ll always have a line.

Come on, Nat. Let me do this for you. Don’t …

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re not doing it for me. I’m telling you it’s not what I want. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** What do you want, then? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] I...A year ago, I was tasked with convincing the lot of you to stay. I didn’t want to, but it was my job. I think I want it now. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [silence]

Why?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** This is the longest I’ve had a consistent assignment since I came to SHIELD.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [pause]

Yeah, I guess it would be. What, you’re telling me your rolling stone has started gathering moss?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m getting attached. Fury might...he might be right; it might not be good for me.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** You won’t know until you try. Ever since New York you’ve been giving pieces of yourself away -- you said so yourself. 

So let me give some back. Make this decision about you and Bruce without reference to me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want to leave? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I don’t know. Before I felt like I had something to prove, or like I could undo what happened in New York - all the agents on the helicarrier. And, you know. Coulson.

Maybe they were right the first time around - I’m getting older. I’m not what I used to be, endurance wise. And I’ve never been a true-believer, you know that. I have no interest in ending up dead on some glorious mission for truth and justice, blah blah blah. I’ve always planned on living to retirement and enjoying the sweet pension.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What would you want, then? Other than a retirement party with cupcakes and beer?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I don’t know. Buy a place.

Maybe get married again, do the kids thing.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Married? Kids? What about the dog? You forgot the dog.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah, a goldie named Lucky, sure. [snort]

Is that crazy? It sounds crazy to say it out loud.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s never something you’ve mentioned before. Well. The kids part, anyway.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** It always seemed terrifying? I can stick arrows in people, sure, but parenting sounded kind of awful. It’s partly Becky -- which is I guess what you’re carefully not-asking. Meeting her made me think I could make that work with someone normal. I didn’t ever feel that way with … well, Bobbi. Or you. Or anyone.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, neither Bobbi nor I wanted that, which might have something to do with it.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh]

Yeah, well. At the time that was what I wanted too. Becky is - relaxing in a way none of my other relationship have been. She’s not involved in all the bullshit of my work life. She reminds me that the real world exists, and that maybe I could live there if I wanted to.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Does she know this?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Not in so many words.

I’m not saying Becky’s the one for all that. I’ve only known her for a few months… that’d be a little crazy. But she’s made me think about it, and in thinking about it I started to think I might want it.

I mean, I always figured I’d work to forty. I could do something else in the meantime, figure my shit out.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do me this favor? Don’t send a letter of resignation in a fit of pique? Wait until we find you something else.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [smooch] Alright. You scheming schemes?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I think we might want a bigger plan in place. I want to talk to Stark about it. He has connections you could use, and I don’t think he’d refuse them even if you do keep eating his leftovers. And as long as we’re moving into the mansion, that’s not technically SHIELD property, so it’s not as if they’ll be able to kick you out.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s true. You think he’d back me up?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark’s good at the whole separating business from pleasure thing, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Except when it comes to banging his--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [swatting sound] He’s still able to separate the person he’s banging from his boss. 

And that’s not a subject for, ah, mixed company. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Right, right. Mansion?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mansion. [smooching] I love you, you know. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah, yeah. Ditto, blondie. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [thump]

{END SURVEILLANCE: TRANSMITTING}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The West Village S'Nice](http://www.snicecafe.com/west-village/) is where Nat and Clint are having coffee. They make really good chocolate chip cookies with malt in them.


	304. The Big Move-In Grand Tour

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[Location ID=STARKMANSION]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Alright, alright -- round five, go. 

[drink pouring, ice clinking]

Becks? How’s two going for you?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’ve got like...a half of-- are you really on five already? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Look, I had a day. It was -- a day. But now it’s a night, and generally speaking, I _like_ nights.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [smooch] I like nights with _you_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Uh. Is everything alright, Barton?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. I just - you know, Nat, Bruce. It’s weird. But we talked, and de-weirded shit, I just….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** De...right. Good. You let me know if there’s anything you need. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I will! I will! C’mon, another, you gotta refill before we _take a turn in the gardens._

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** TAKE A TURN IN THE GARDENS? Sir, I am afeared you are without your cravat.

[glass clinking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Tis the latest winter fashion from London, my lady, along with sleeves short in style, nigh nonexistent… 

[glass clinking]

Cheers? What’s fake-British for cheers? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Cheeahhhs!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughing]

Steve, you never get all sexy-Downton-Abbey on _me_. I think that’s… probably indicative of a … something in our relationship. Probably a good thing, actually. 

THANKS FOR POURING A ROUND, CLINT. I’LL JUST BE HERE WITH MY EMPTY DRINK.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Clintacle, I think Tony wants a drink. Maybe. I’m not sure.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Am I my billionaire’s Keeper? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Pffft, Clinnnnt. He’s letting us stay in his magic fairy palace. _I’ll_ do it. 

[pouring]

[glass clinking, ice]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Downton Abbey is the British one in that manor?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yes, I made you watch it the one time. Clint made a macro of it, remember? Ugh, Tony, you should get a monocle. You’re look all sharp and supervillain-y with a monocle. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A thousand times yes. _I_ would be an amazing supervillain. _And_ I would look incredible in a monocle. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yes, but then Steve would have to fight you and it would be so sad. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sad? Or _hot?_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Neither? Both? What’s correct?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmmmm... I’ll do the armor up in… black and red, or something sinister. _Super_ sinister. And then Steve and I can have a dramatic battle full of sexual tension in Central Park! I’ll level the Met and never have to attend another fundraising event, _ever._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Preeeeetty sure that color combo is taken, Starkissimo…. and that was kind of, uh, weirdly specific.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, you can never have too much black and red. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Anyway, Steve would _actually_ kill you if you leveled the Met, and then you wouldn’t get to have heaps of hate-fueled rivalry sex in the ruin of the buildings you took out in your dramatic conflicts.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Uh... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, hey, hey. Okay. No supervillainy on _my_ end, so unless you turn to a life of crime... 

[kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not...I wasn’t planning on it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I might investigate the monocle further. I wonder if it would adversely affect the aerodynamics of the helmet…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You’re a genius; I’m sure you can figure it out. Where are these gardens, huh? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There are so, so many. You should see them -- it’s too bad the fountains are filled with snow, Steve did the best mural…

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmm...they’re all right. 

[smooching]

Hi there.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Hi. [smooch]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ugh, you two are too cute. Like, nauseatingly cute. I saw the murals, yeah, Steve showed them to me on his phone back when he was working on them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They turned out beautifully. You want another drink before we go, babe? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know they don’t do anything for me. Is there any soda? Juice? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** They’re still tasty, though. This bourbon is unbelievable.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course it is, it’s mine. Orange, pineapple, mango, lemonade, limeade, lemon-lime...ade?, pomegranate, cranberry, oh. Root beer? OH. I bought some… whatsit, new small batch root beer, here, I’m gonna combine your two favorite things in the world...

[glass clinking]

[freezer opening]

[sploosh]

How’s that for TRUE LOVE.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [muttered] How do you not explode from the cute?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pause] I mean, you know - in so far as… soda is capable of conferring affection… here, just. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [throat clearing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

[slurping]

[silence]

You know how to make a root beer float.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It’s not exactly rocket science…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s much better at rocket science than cooking. 

[slurp]

It’s good.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Yeah, well. It didn’t exactly require an open flame.

Tour?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yes yes yes yes oh my god yes I want to see all the things yes. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sweet - apparently it’s so good Bruce refused to go home when it was through.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Yeah, well, that and the rose garden and bullshit, apparently he’s super into pruning.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Still impressive, considering that that was his seventh attempt at resigning. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe it’s me - I’ve been told I’m irresistible…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have no idea who would tell you such a blatant lie. 

[footsteps]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:**

[dog bed rustling]

claws clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Psh. You woke the dog up - hey there, lazy boy, you joining the tour? 

**CANINE.Unnamed:**

[yip]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This… is the GRAND FOYER. And that’s my great-grandfather there on the wall, and that’s my grandfather, and you know my old man. Well, Steve knew my old man. I need to get one done too, I guess, if we’re staying here.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, I can totally hook you up with some artists. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Definitely - it's on the list and all. So the house is U-shaped, you have the east wing with the ballroom and dining areas, the basement level is dad’s old lab space, blah blah blah … let’s do west wing first. 

[echoing footsteps]

We used to have rugs in here… I accidentally set one on fire when I was ten - pretty sure that’s what inspired boarding school. I’d replace them, but you people probably ruin the shit out of carpet...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laugh] What?! Clint, maybe.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Have you _met_ the Hulk?

So main entrance is here - there’s a door at the kitchen for deliveries and stuff, it’s closer to the parking area. Come in and the right hand door is the library, adjacent to dad’s old study.

[footsteps, doors creaking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** FUCKING A THIS IS HUGE.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. We’ve been here for half a day and I’ve already gotten lost like, twice. Maybe three times if you count the time I couldn’t find the bathroo…. thaaaaaaat is a _lot_ of books.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Taaaaaale as old as tiiiime…true as it caaan-- HOLY SHIT IS THAT A SARGENT OVER THE FIREPLACE?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, that old thing? Yeah, I think so. That’s my grandmother.

[footsteps, sweeping]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Just a little straaaaaange, small to say the leeeeeeast --

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laughter] Both a liiiiittle scaaaared…

 **CANINE.Unnamed:**

[barking, claws clicking on floor]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** NEITHER ONE PREPARED...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] We know which one’s the beast! 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** It’s me. I totally didn’t shave my pits this morning. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You sure? Shall I check? HAH.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [squeal] NO TICKLEMONSTER OM NOM NOM NOM NOM I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR HEAD OFF. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:**

[barking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t spill on my floors! I’ll have to swap them out for endangered hardwood or something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Makassar ebony? I hear that’s very stylish.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** WHO KNOWS. _Someone_ keeps denying me… you have foam on your, here.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

Maybe if you were better at following orders…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Mmmmmyes, tour, tour -- gentlemen, leave room for Jesus! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Right -- right. So follow me, then. The old man’s study was just here, not much in there these days, used to be a real No Man’s Land for ten year old boys… the staircase up to the solar… from here to the end of the hall on the left is the drawing room and game room… and the OTHER BAR. _What_ a coincidence, you know it’s bad luck to pass a bar without pouring a drink? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I like this tour! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pouring] Clint? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Light me up, baby.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oooh, call me baby again, baby.

[splashing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [slurp]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, you have three Pollocks in this room. I mean, I know the dude worked on Long Island, but...three. Pollocks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I think Pep brought those in, they were crated and she had this whole issue with _fine artwork belonging on walls and not in a storage unit_ , blah blah blah…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, duh. They’re fucking _Pollocks_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pollocks, bollocks.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Heh, you said _bollocks_. Upstairs?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright, up the stairs, solar, master suite, Steve did a rocking Iron Man paint job on the walls - gotta love that red and gold - 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oooh, fancy. Oh my god, these are super sliding bannisters. We have to do that sometime. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Stark first! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** STEVE. Hold my drink.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Ah. Right. Here. Are we…?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- OOF, my ass, I am no longer a young man… Man. I haven’t done this since the MIT party days. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, is this a good idea?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sure, yeah! It’ll be… Hm. This is a lot higher than I remember.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You still have, uh, burns on your…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …..

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Drink.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t mind if I do. Sorry, gang. Rain check on that potential humiliation and/or broken limb, yeah? [footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Aww. Clintypie?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Beckasaurus?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** One of us is doing this. You or me? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Obviously me. 

[whooshing]

Hell yeah, _drink in hand!_ I’M A SECRET AGENT!!! 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That seems like a bad ide-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You wanna see the Picasso before we go down?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** The…

[silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you know he did sculpture? ‘cause I so didn’t. It’s over in the ballroom, let’s take the other staircase ….. BYE BYE BARTON.

[footsteps]

You seen the Picasso Steve? I know you did some exploring.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, I...never really got into modern art...I liked the Rockwells, though? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, you saw the Rockwell, right? It’s in the creepy Cap room.

[ice clinking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh my god, I want to see the creepy Cap room. Please can we go in the creepy Cap room?

[running footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Stark, you are an _ass._

Wait, there’s a creepy Cap room? That’s….creepy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know how old ladies always send me collectible figurines and things? It’s like that, only bigger. Much, much bigger. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** And there’s a Rockwell.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I posed for--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That’s _ridiculous_. That’s not even _allowed_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course it’s allowed. It’s _encouraged._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It was for a war bonds thing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God only knows how much the old man paid for it. It’s a good likeness though.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Too bad it’s not a Mapplethorpe, right?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bet I could find someone to do a knockoff. Though that would go in the bedroom. Here.

[clicking, grinding]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** SECRET PASSAGE. FUCK YEAH.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [snuffling, tail thumping against walls]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, would it be weird if I asked you to adopt me? Or, like, at least let me catalogue all your art? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I dunno about adoption - I could hire you? I love paying people to do stuff. [laughs]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Steve told me _he’s_ working for you. What do you say, Steve, do you wanna be coworkers?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s, uh, exhibitions design and--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I didn’t know you did that! You should have come helped me with installations! 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’d have really brought down the house. Oh, wait…. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [thump] Too. Soon. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jeez, Barton, don’t be a JERK. I’m trying to propose here.

Rebecca Quan, will you be my lawfully hired replacement personal assistant person? I’m a CEO now. I really need like, at least five. You probably count for three and a half at least.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you...hiring Becky?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _Really?_

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Wait, PA? Seriously? Because, like, I’m _amazing_ at organizing shit, and the gallery’s closed for at least three months, so...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, Pep did all my art stuff, and that was her job, technically. Before I CEO-ed her. We believe in upward mobility here at Stark Industries.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** So I’d get to be an _art_ PA? Dude, Tony, if you’re just fucking around, tell me now, because I will so eat that up. Clint? What do you think?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I … think it’s brilliant. I mean, the whole CEO thing is temporary, right? And the gallery’s only on hiatus. Pretty much sounds like the perfect stopgap.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, why not? I’ve done way stupider things when drunk. Steve -- you’re the sober one -- what do you think?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Becky’s...really good at organizing stuff. [throat clearing] I’m out of root beer. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… Rockwell! Check out the Rockwell. 

[softer]

Steve, should we…?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** STEVE, LOOK AT ALL YOUR PAINTY MUSCLES.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry. It’s just...the rest of you are all...and I’ve got root beer. Or had root beer.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [quietly] I… yeah, I’m sorry, are we being obnoxious? Or, uh, am I? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I’m being sober.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can be sober and have fun. Apparently. I’m told it’s quite possible! I need to devote some brainspace to inventing some kind of superbooze just for you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. I would try superbooze.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

Is that all? You seem sort of...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are we talking about Becky?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Are_ we? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** This is amazing! I’ve seen this painting before; it was the centerpiece of, like, one of the biggest war bond drives of the nineteen-forties. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Is this an original? [whistles] Jesus. This oughta be in a museum.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Da-na-na-na, da-na-NAAAAA… Yeah, that looks legit, Clintiana. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [softly] I mean - you said wanted us all to be friends, but you look -- uncomfortable? Talk to me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Later. I don’t want to be rude.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I think Cap’s new helmet needs REAL wings. These are kind of cute, the way they stick out…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Later is fine; but I need to know if I can offer her this job thing for real. If you need me to I’ll play it off, but I don’t want to be a dick. More of a dick than usual.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just like your ears, Barton! [whispered] She’s good. It’s temporary. I’m the problem, not her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s _fine_. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [snuffling, whine]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hey, Dog. How are you?

[scritching]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Jesus, are these action figures mint in box? And you people mock my MLP collection. Jeez.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, Stark doesn’t braid their hair, Barton. He left that up to his dad.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think this calls for a celebration. Which requires a RETURN TO THE BAR! Sir, will you escort me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** As long as I get more root beer. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Always.

But I’m serious about the superbooze…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So am I.

[footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laughing, grunting, footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** NOOOOOoooooOOOOoooooo! [laughter] CLINTOSAURUS REX ATTACK NO PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWWWWN.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** NOM NOM NOM--

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [playful growling, claws clicking]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [quietly] Sorry, Steve, I really didn’t…. here, let me pour you...

[crashing, shrieking laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s fine. She’s...really happy. _I’m_ really happy. I don’t know why...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s understandable. I didn’t quite think this --

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** MY GLASS HAS VANISHED.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Champagne?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Only if I get to open it. Poppin’ bubbly, baby… 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ooo, what strong hands you have, my dear -- HAHAHA! YOU WISH YOUR DICK WAS THAT BIG, BARTON.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Don’t make me nail you in the eye, Starkers.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ahem. That’s what she said. 

[laughter]

[cork popping]

[trash can rattle]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [whistle] He never misses. The first time he said he never missed, I thought it was a joke, but he actually never misses. I didn’t think that extending to champagne corks though-- oh! Here it is! 

[pouring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve? You want some?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Uh. Yeah, actually, I’ll have some champagne. Er. Not in the root beer glass, though...here…

[splashing]

To the new year.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh my god, so much better than actual New Year. You guys are all going to have to do Lunar New Year with me to make up for it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, can we? I’m a _dog._ A metal dog. WOOF.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [bark]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** HAH! Speak your mind, hound dog! Here, try the champagne.

[liquid splashing into saucer]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [lapping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, I’m not sure if the dog...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m reasonably sure dogs are wine-proof, Steve, don’t worry!

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [lapping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Speaking of dogs, SOMEONE needs to go out -- you guys wanna take that bottle out to one of the hot tubs?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** One of. _One_ of. Haha-- sounds like fun. And shame, I didn’t bring a suit, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh, no, whatever shall we do? 

[retreating footsteps, laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I noticed you didn’t mention the closet full of spare suits. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] That’s a little _too_ creepy, I think.

C’mere, babe.

[footsteps]

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s fine. I’m fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? ‘caus it’s okay to…. not be fine.

[splashing]

Here, drink this, I’m done.

[champagne pouring]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [slurping]

Done?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m never sober if I can help it, chiefly because it sucks being the only sober bastard around. But it takes more than a whiskey or three to really knock me on my ass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** When I _could_ get drunk, everything knocked me on my ass. Just looking at gin made me puke.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Drunk-vomit is your body’s way of voiding weakness. It’s science, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, maybe it was the puke and not the serum, then. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** In that case _I’d_ be a super soldier….

[silence, muffled]

We okay here?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmm...We’re okay. Are you really hiring Becky, or is everyone just that drunk? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was going to actually hire her, Steve. But I could just be that drunk, if you need me to be. [rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Becky’d be good at it. She’s organized, assertive, won’t be intimidated by you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

I like it when you wear jeans. There’s just something about having my hands in your jean pockets - some kind of traumatic fucking 1980’s emotional scarring or something.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, does this have to invoke some kind of terrible memory for me to like it? 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t say terrible, I said emotionally scarring. Jordache jeans, dollface.

[smooching]

I know she’d be good. That’s why I asked her. But that’s not what I’m asking you, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What are you asking me? Obviously not about my jeans. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You said you wanted to be friends with Becky -- and I, shockingly, actually like her -- but you’re obviously still uncomfortable. What’s up with the stoic soda slurping seriousness? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t-- seeing her with Clint makes me feel like a cad.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They have all these jokes. They finish each other’s sentences. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’ve also known each other a lot longer than you knew her before you started going out.

I mean, we do that. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do we? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sure - I mean, unless I’m spouting science-y bullshit … not that I ever spout bullshit, but …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** … it’s just, Becky and Clint are… well suited for each other. Maybe you and Becky weren’t so well suited.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I was an ass to her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know how that feels.

[silence]

Have you thought about … apologizing? I mean she doesn’t seem to expect one, but if you feel one is warranted, they tell me it’s a nice way to clear the air. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I thought you only knew about apologies from hearsay. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Naturally.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m pretty sure she saw that bit in the press conference.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooching] Which bit?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ’My ex-girlfriend dumped me because I was an insensitive jerk.’

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not really an apology. It’s just an admittance of guilt.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** To an international audience!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That might _not_ include your ex-girlfriend. 

[kiss]

God, you’re all stiff. Come on, loverboy -- it’ll be okay. These are growing pains. You didn’t ever learn how to be Becky’s friend without being a romantic interest, so of course you’re gonna have to relearn some things.

Who gives a shit about Clint, anyway?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re just mad he’s still stealing your takeout. 

[breath]

I don’t mind Clint. I-- do you have any exes you’re friends with? Apart from Pepper, I mean? And I know that’s still…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pepper and I are friends.

Ty and I are friends. Sort of. We get on alright.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah, Tiberius Stone. An ex. He … our relationship was difficult to describe.

He owns Viastone? We were gonna use his boxes to watch the ball drop, before everything went to hell at the tower.

[smooching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You were going to introduce me to your ex-boyfriend?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Christ, no. Ty would never be caught watching the ball drop, he was off being a dick in Bali or something. I just wanted the boxes, since Viastone fronts on Times Square.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How do you do that? Did you...how long did it take?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It comes very naturally to Ty. [snort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I just missed a joke, I think. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, I don’t know… if Ty is actually a very good example. We broke up and then just kind of…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just kind of what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hooked up when we were bored? For… a while.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How long is a while? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Years. I’ve known that rotten bastard since I was twelve, Steve. Our fathers were competitors, we roomed together in boarding school, went to college together. He stole my girlfriends, I stole his. We used to have a standing wager based on stock prices… He’s just one of those exes you keep up with.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, how did you-- Wait. You competed with your _boyfriend_ to see who could pick up the most women?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He was never my boyfriend. He was just a male-space-friend. Who I was dating. It took a couple weeks to figure our shit out the first time we broke up, but we were around each other all the time. We had to make it work.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Uh. Your love life sounds incredibly complicated compared to… well. The time two girls in the USO got into a fight over me and one of them packed up and quit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Complicated is a nice word for Ty. I tend to lean towards “toxic” and “fucked up” and "tried to murder me twice", but yeah.

You inspired an honest to god sexy USO girl catfight? That’s kind of hot, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It wasn’t sexy. There were tears. And damaged property. And that’s why I swore off USO girls. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… yeah. That’d leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Poor girls. I can’t blame ‘em, I’d fight for you any day.

[smooches]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

So, Apologize to Becky? In person and not television?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] Mmmm, yeah.

I meant it though. I don’t think she _expects_ an apology at all -- if she did she wouldn’t be here tonight. But if you’ll sleep easier, I think it’s a great idea.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

You know what would make me sleep easier?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Keeping the poor nameless dog off the bed?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told you, I don’t know what his name is yet. It’ll come to me. And the dog doesn’t squirm half as much as you do.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Well, I’m trying to be patient. Do I really squirm? [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You sling your leg around me, like this, And then you burrow your head like a deer tick. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] [swatting] I do not! Anyway, if I do it’s absolutely your fault, for being big and nice-smelling and warm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t knock me over! [laughter] Then you fling an arm over me, like this, and usually the other one is draped out this way. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But I look dashingly handsome while doing this, of course. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** For someone drooling on my face, always. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmph. Hey -- [rustling] -- are you ticklish?

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] Everyone asks. Not anymore. You never think, gee, I’m going to miss being ticklish. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, we couldn’t risk Captain America being tickled to death, now could we? Good old Erskine thought of everything.

[inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, you know, you can never been too careful when you’re dealing with Nazis. [inaudible] 

Mmm...no drinking, no tickling...there’s nothing left to do for fun. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, my goodness, you poor thing. Your life is truly a trial. You know, I happen to be a super genius - and we happen to have a private jacuzzi in the master suite.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know we… _we_? Do. I re-grouted all the tiles. I’ve never grouted anything before. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We. [smooch]

I bet you look pretty fucking amazing in just carpenter jeans and paint. Mmm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think I look amazing in everything. 

[inaudible] 

Are you going to come see how I look in y- _our_ fancy bath? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle] [smooch]

Is water wet? Is Steve Rogers hot?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] My temperature runs approximately .08 degrees Fahrenheit above average due to increased metabolism. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** See? It’s science. Science never lies.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Bathtime, soldier. Forward march. 

{{Transmitting…}}


	305. Fat lot of good

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: phone

Has anyone seen my phone? I think i had it last night, but .... i can't actually remember. fat lot of good the orientation tour'll do me, man.

Becky says if you have, for the love of god don't bring up the gallery or she'll have to kill you on sight.

THANKS  
clint


	306. i'll be right back

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: phone

Your drunk ass left it on the wetbar in the game room when we opened the champagne last night. You do remember opening the champagne, don't you? Whoops. 

Wait, there are sexy photos on it??

I'd better go make sure it's all in one piece...

-T


	307. Remove Myself from the Running

from: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: phone

DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT TONY THOSE ARE PRIVATE.

Also, I'll remove myself from the running for PA. 

I've got to go over to Merrie's to talk to her about, like, art insurance and stuff.  I'll be back this afternoon!  THOSE PICTURES HAD BETTER REMAIN UNSEEN. OTHERWISE YOU DON'T GET ANY OF THE COOKIES THAT CLINT IS BAKING. I don't care if it's your oven.

-Becs 

 


	308. Step on Your Toes

Becky,

Hi.

I know I haven't written to you in a while. I hope this isn't awkward, but I feel like I owe you an apology. 

You seem really happy now, so I hate to dredge up something uncomfortable. It's just that Tony seems eager to hire you, and I know you'd be great at wrangling him (if you could wrangle me, you can wrangle anyone-- Tony Fucking Stark included), and I want to make sure everything's all right between us since and picking up Tony's drycleaning will, uh, probably entail picking up my drycleaning, too, for the foreseeable future. 

So here goes. I'm sorry. I screwed up. You're a great girl, and I was unhappy, and being around you cheered me up, and I think I mistook it for something other than what it was. I shouldn't have been dating anyone. 

I've never been anyone's boyfriend before, and I've never split up with anyone before (since, well, how could you?). I don't know what I'm doing, and I'm pretty sure I'm floundering all over this, too. And when I see you, I feel like I should be apologizing, like I need to clear the air before I say anything else. 

So there you go. If there's anything you need from me to make this, you know, easier, or better, tell me. You don't have to, though. Just know I'm aware I've been difficult. If you want to talk about it, we can. If you don't, we don't have to. I won't bother you again. I don't want to step on your toes. 

Sincerely,

Steve


	309. The root of it.

Nat,

First off, I assume that the letter you sent me about Steve the day after Christmas was, in addition to being biting in a stealth-threatening sort of way, an offer of assistance. If I’m totally wrong there, feel free to ignore the rest of this and carry on with your day.

It’s already January and Steve has had this stupid dog almost three weeks and he _won’t freaking name it_. It’s really getting on my nerves – I keep suggesting names and he keeps hemming and hawing and calling it “the dog” and I mean, I’m not trying to be a dick because he can call it whatever he wants but I’m also kind of afraid he’s not naming it because he doesn’t actually want it and isn’t attached to it and doesn’t know how to tell me. 

That doesn’t quite ring true, because he seems to like the damn thing and he’s always going on about letting it into the bed and whether or not it’s too cold out to take him for a run, but I still just don’t know what the hell is going on there.

He also isn’t really drawing much since New Years. He draws when he’s happy. So the logical conclusion is that he isn’t, and I can’t seem to get to the root of it. 

Finally (you probably already know this in that creepy way you have of knowing things) I’m sort of hiring Becky to be my personal assistant, and Steve keeps telling me it’s alright even though it’s pretty clear he feels awkward around her – he’s doing that thing again where he says one thing and means another. No one is more shocked than me that I actually like Becky… but she’s good for the position and she passed YOUR stalkery background checks (don’t even lie, you must have done a thorough cross-check of her if you let her date Steve) but if that’s the source of his discomfort I’ll kick her to the curb in a heartbeat.

So… yeah. If you have any riveting insight on this matter I’m all ears.

T


	310. Morale-Building Assignment

Stark--

I wanted to thank both you and Steve for suggesting dinner. I think it was good for Bruce, and it's the sort of thing he would never ask for. I struggle with the fact that it's my job to keep him (all of you, really) committed to the Initiative and that I want him here, for much more selfish reasons. Having the knowledge that he's wanted by friends who have no ulterior motive tied to SHIELD does him a lot of good. Having friends does him more good than he's willing to admit.

When Steve first moved into the Tower, he had a duffel bag. It was a drab, worn out thing he'd bought somewhere second-hand. He went to the Bed, Bath & Beyond up by Lincoln Center and bought an air mattress on sale. 

He didn't have sheets. A week later, when we realized he didn't have sheets, Clint gave him an old set of his sheets. 

He started acquiring some things-- a clock, some books, some art supplies, and they all lived in little piles on his living room floor. The mattress was on the living room floor. He kept the bedroom door shut and didn't bother going in-- he said he wasn't used to having that much space. He had a cheap table lamp with a bare bulb on the floor to use as a reading light. 

His clothes were acceptable enough-- someone at SHIELD had made sure he could dress himself-- but he kept them all folded on top of the duffel bag. 

At first, I thought maybe it was a money problem. I asked him if he needed cash. He told me no, he just didn't know what he wanted yet. 

It's a curious thing, with Steve, the way he uses that phrase. When he says he doesn't know what he wants. 

Months went by. He stopped outright avoiding the stretch of 53rd Street between Madison and Fifth Avenues, as long as he didn't have to walk on the North side of the street. I think you remember when I asked you to get him a television, and you were so incredulous when we took it out of the box and scuffed it up a little bit so he'd think it was used. He didn't have anything to prop it on; he took some milk crates off the street. 

And then he took a couple other milk crates and started putting things in them. 

But then it was September, and he was still sleeping on an air mattress on the floor. He was on his third one-- he's a little too big to be sleeping on one of those things, like you know, and then that one got busted, too.

So he was going to just go buy another one. 

I told him that Fury had given me an assignment I needed his help with. I was still technically benched, but still working occasionally when they needed a codebreaker. He still wasn't taking SHIELD assignments, then; he was still angry over Phase Two, but for me, he'd help. He didn't question the rental truck I picked him up in, just got in, let me drive. 

He said something to me, something like, "so what kind of assignment is this?" 

I told him it was a morale-building assignment, and handed him the Ikea catalog. 

Like you said, he hemmed and hawed over shitty Ikea beds, said maybe we could come back another time. I said that if he didn't want to buy anything, that was okay, I wouldn't make him, but if there was anything he wanted, we did have the truck today. In the end, I don't think he even really looked at what he was picking, just wrote down some numbers and went to look for them in the pickup section of the store. We got him a bed, a desk, a dresser, a sofa. A few other things. 

We got back, I knocked on Clint's door, and the three of us spent the night putting together Ikea furniture and eating spice cookies and drinking lingonberry soda from the little Swedish grocery section. 

Long story short, you can't make him name the dog. You can make it okay for him to name the dog. You can let him know that it's time to name the dog. How long do dogs live? Fifteen years, something like that? He's got to pick a name he's going to be comfortable with for fifteen years. Do you know if Steve's ever had anything for fifteen years? I'm not sure. 

Let me know if you need help, if you want me to get a word in with him. 

\--N


	311. a 2x2 passport-styled photo

Dear Ms. Rebecca Quan:

On behalf of myself as well as my colleagues in the Upper Management Personnel department, I'd like to welcome you to the Stark Industries family. 

Attached is the required employment paperwork for you to sign and return at your earliest convenience, including your contract (signatures required on pages 7, 13 and 19, all others to be initialed in the bottom right hand corner), I-9, W-2, background check clearance, blank fingerprint request template, confidentiality agreements, orientation packet, company policy manual, direct deposit form, commuter card form, corporate gym/meal plan/day care services requests, information on your benefit package including optional health & retirement services, and mandatory internet safety training and sexual harassment training sign ups (course offered monthly and to be completed within your first three months of employment). You will be expected to bring a 2x2 passport-styled photo to your first day of work so that your employee ID & access badge can be produced.

My colleague New York based Head of Human Resources, Avery Clark, will be expecting you on the 13th floor of our New York facility at 1:30 pm on Thursday, January 9th.

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact Avery Clark at A.Clark@StarkIndustries.com

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	312. Your Boyfriend's New PA

**{VIASTONE 4G MONITORING ACTIVE}**

[Mapping: 71 Old Westbury Rd Old Westbury, NY 11568]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Hey, Steve -- can I, uh, interrupt your-- ohmigod you’re PAINTING!

[footsteps]

[rumpling plastic]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh. Yeah. Trying to, uh, de-Howard the place.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Electric green was the choice? Yours, or Tony’s? I think you should do the crown molding white. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s electric green. Whose choice do _you_ think it was? I’m not sure. I should have gone for the more muted one.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I say go for it - Tony would never notice the difference. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, he notices. It’s just a question of distracting him _after_ he notices. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Ha! Well, _that’s_ your problem, isn’t it?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Sounds like it’s going to be your problem, soon, too. Here, do you-- take a brush. You can neaten up the edges.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Story of my life…

[silence, paint slopping]

Sooooooo I got your letter.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [breath]

Right.

[silence]

You don’t need to say anything. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Come on, Steve, don’t… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t what? You shouldn’t feel obliged to talk about it. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I don’t feel obligated! I think it’ll be good to talk to, and anyway it’s silly to just e-mail back and forth about something when we’re living under the same roof. You can’t keep not-speaking to me now that I’m your boyfriends new PA.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony and I email back and forth about everything… 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Yeah, but you’re also _sleeping together_. Also you don’t glue your eyes to your shoes when he’s in the room -- you glue them to something else _entirely_.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, most of his shoes cost over four hundred dollars a pair. It would be a waste not to stare at them.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Oh, yeah, his shoes are SO what I meant. Don’t be a dingbat, Steve.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I meant to be deadpan, not dingbat. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** ….You know I wasn’t waiting for an apology, right…? Relationships break down every day, it’s not like that’s anything new.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** It doesn’t matter if you were waiting for one. I hurt you. You hurt somebody, you apologize. Last time I tried, I did a pretty bad job of it.. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I -- tried to understand, then. I think I actually understand, now. I accept your apology, how about that?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Sounds a little bit like you’re levying a challenge. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Yup. It _is_ a challenge. Because now that I’ve accepted your apology we have to _actually_ become friends.

[soft thumping]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Just like that? Do we take an oath, or something?

Is this-- does the poking help? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Yes. I believe paintbrush-poking is the first step to a SOLID and ENDURING friendship.

[splatting]

WHOOPS!

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah--

[laughter] 

That was deliberate. May I remind you, I have a roller? An entire, sopping, electric green roller? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** PSH, I look fab in green.

[paint slopping]

You know, I was so -- _so_ \-- surprised when I realized you and Tony were… you know I thought you and Pepper were a thing? _Pepper._

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence]

Pepper? 

_Pepper?_

Pepper isn’t speaking to me.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Well, she became single when Tony did, and I didn’t know you were into muscley muscley dudes, so…

[paint swiping]

Does “doo-doo” as in “doo-doo head” have two O’s?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Technically, it has fou--- what are you-- 

[laughter] 

The paint is for painting, not insulting me. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I was doing both, thank you very much! I’m amazing at multitasking. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know. I told Tony that. I’m not...I mean, Tony’s not exactly...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Organized? Capable of self-care? Sane? [laughter]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, now I know you’re talking about Tony. No, I mean...interested in men, really...I…just fall for my closest friends. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** …I….

That’s...Steve, that’s never a good idea. Well, almost never. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t _plan_ it that way. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I’m sure you don’t.

He’s not…. I’ve met him, now. He’s brilliant and infectious, he draws you in -- I can’t really… blame you? And you two wear each other well. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** He likes wearing people. I-- what? What’s the eyebrow for? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** _Wearing_ people? Sheesh, Steve. [voice pitched] “It puts the lotion on its skin….”

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Er...movie, book, or television show?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** [snort] You’re getting smart. All three.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** They just keep re-using the same stories, don’t they?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** So jaded! I can tell you’ve been hanging around Tony.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony? Jaded? I still haven’t seen Star Wars because that ass won’t let me watch it without him.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** [laugh]

It’s ridiculous - you left my ass for him and I like him anyway. How does that even happen?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Because you’re drawing penises on the wall. Which is exactly what he’d be doing if he were down here. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** So you’re telling me you have a type? Cheeky, dark hair, names ending in Y?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I wouldn’t--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** YOU’RE BLUSHING.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [swipe]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** [shriek]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re blushing _green_. Electric green. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Oh my-- oh my god, you ass, I start work this afternoon and I’m gonna have to redo all my make-up! _STEVE!_

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laughter] 

Work? Work for _Tony_? You’re wearing makeup to work for Tony?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** YES! I have to go turn in my HR forms! I was _trying_ to make a good first impression… [footsteps] Ewwwwwwwwwww it’s in my hair…

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s cute. You and Rachel can match now.

[splatter]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Whatever you say, Steviekins…. ka- _SPLAT!_ SHOTGUN!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hey!

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Bang! What’s up with that _thang!_ I wanna know, how does it hang--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Miss Quan, do you understand that the major difference between black hair and blond hair is that when blond hair gets green paint in it, _it stays green_?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Good thing you wear a cowl at work, huh Cap?

[splat] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Pffft! That got...augh...mouth…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Vengeance is _sweet._ And painty. But mostly sweet!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are you considering a career in supervillainy now? I will have to voice an objection to that.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Psh, I’d be an amazing super villain. I’d be one of those in-the-background-of-every-scene types enemies who NO ONE SUSPECTS -- and I do have a ridiculous looking pink-haired assistant to do my dirty work for me. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** And then you go and blame your innocent little assistant. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** HAH! You only think she’s innocent, Steve. She could be _completely_ nefarious, juuuust like me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Only because she’s been corrupted by your bad influence. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** [laugh]

You and Tony could team up and fight us -- and when I knock Tony out you can give him sexy mouth to mouth. The comics would give it a freakin’ two page spread, full of glorious man-on-man lovin’!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ve seen that on the internet at least ten times. You’re not positioning yourself as Tony’s PA to infiltrate us, did you? Should I be worried about Clint?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** _Obviously._ Clint is in mortal peril! I infiltrated the SHIT out of him last night. [snicker]

Jeez, don’t they teach you anything in superhero school??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I was the first one. They didn’t have a program for that. Had to learn as I go.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** You aren’t doing half-bad, you know. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I do. I’ve only died once so far 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Steve….

Look. I know we didn’t work out, but star-crossed hero-villain lovers rarely do. At least I got dumped for Time Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** He won that _twice_. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I know. They’re framed, in his office. [groans]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s still time to back out. It’s a little ironic that you’ve spent all this time telling me I need to have a life outside the Avengers, and here you are getting sucked _in_. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Ah ah ah, I didn’t tell you that -- you told me you wanted it. I wanted it _for_ you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I enjoyed darts.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Of course you did! My friends are fabulous. I’m having lunch with Tanya this week - you could meet her, too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Rachel’s friend Tanya? That wouldn’t be weird?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Why weird? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Does…Rachel know about Tony?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** No.

Give me a little credit, Steve… I’m not going to out you. Especially not to an assistant I’ve only known for a few months.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know I don’t always pick up on these things, but she was flirting. Was she flirting?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** With you? You’d have to be blind not to flirt with you.

I can see why you like your people, though; they’re weirdly addictive.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I have nothing if not _excellent_ taste in people I’ve been assigned to live with. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Also in significant others. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ha. 

[smooch] 

Speaking of, how are things with Clint? You two seem...good, but I feel like I ought to ask, anyway. If we’re being friends. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** SEE! I knew you could do it.

They’re… great, actually, kind of creepily great. We drank that entire bottle of champagne and spent yesterday wishing for the solace only a quick and painless death could provide, but you know. Other than that, really really really excellent.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Really excellent? Was that the right number of ‘really’s?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I really don’t -- hey!!

[splat]

See. I told you we could be friends. Tell your _boyfriend_ to give me a raise!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** My _boyfriend_ isn’t already giving you some kind of ludicrously overblown salary? If he’s not, I’ll have words with him. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Of course he is, but you gotta take advantage of what contacts you’ve got! It’s a dog eat dog world out there, Steven. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [sploosh]

Is that so, _Rebecca_? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** AUGH! YOU GREENED MY BOOBS. I’m gonna tell ANTHONY on you-- [skploosh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, it’s all right. I haven’t taken the mandatory sexual harassment training ye-- dammit! 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Hope you weren’t planning to sit down anywhere; Tony totes won’t appreciate bright green ass-prints all over his suede.

ME NEITHER! We should totally go together and mock the instructors. Do you really need to sit through that? You’re already breaking all the rules. [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, _they_ don’t know that. Captain America doesn’t break rules. Good upstanding citizen and all. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** They clearly don’t know you well enough to realize what a crock THAT is. [laughter] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m extremely respectful! I’m not going to harass anyone. Unless they give me a paintbrush. [sploosh]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I’M SO FILING ON YOU. Kiss the chance to bang your sugar daddy in his big bad corporate office goodbye, boyo! [squishhhh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t look like that!

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** You do. You totally have a scary green unibrow.

[scribbling]

“I like dongs.” 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** _I do not like--_ I am definitely not that angry. Fine. [squish] 

There’s you. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Duckface?! That’s a low fucking blow, Rogers.

[swiping]

So… we’re good, Steve-ski?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** We’re good when you paint out the part about the dongs, Becs. Otherwise I’m going to have to tell everyone about your nefarious supervillain plot. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I can guarantee you Tony’d be okay with that staying up. Here, I’ll even sign it.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Fine, you asked for it. 

[scribbling] 

“I...wear...Iron Man...panties.” 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Well, duh. Don’t you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Definitely n--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** OH MY GOD. YOU -- YOU NEED THOSE. Tony would FREAK.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** We have enough Iron Man underwear to start a thrift shop. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** I am serious as a heart attack, Steve -- when’s his birthday? NO. Valentine’s day. I AM ORDERING YOU A PAIR.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m serious, too! He has two whole drawers full. He wears them _almost every day_. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** That’s…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Do you have any idea how weird it is to sleep with someone whose face is on his underwear? 

And sheets?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** ...kind of hot.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Dammit. You are him. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** YOU HAVE A TYPE. Come on. You’re talking boxers, right? Or tiny briefs, like you wear? I am talking _lace fucking panties_. We could do manties, even, if the lady-bits thing is weird for you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I assume manties are exactly what they sounds like. And _any_ lace is weird. No deal.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Do it or I’ll unaccept your apology, mister!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** We’ll just have to go our separate ways, then. 

You know I have a set of Hawkeye sheets, right? I bought them as a joke; you want them? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Fuck yes I want them!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** They’re yours; Tony says Clint’s not his type.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E:** Famous last words. Better watch your back, Rogers.

[smooch]

I should go change. If I look half as ridiculous as you do right now SI will fire me on the spot!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ha. They can’t fire you; Tony won’t let them. I…

[silence]

Yes. Definitely different clothes. 

[silence]

Huh. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** What’s with the smile?!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Wha-- Oh.

Ah. 

Becky? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** ….yeeeeees?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:**

Thanks. 

[squissssssssssssh]

You should wash off your mustache before your HR meeting. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E:** You UTTER bastard! Gimme a hug.

[squiiiiiiish] 

Any time. Bee-tee-dubs, green boobs is a good look on you.

[paintbrush in paint can]

[footsteps]

{{Transmitting...}}


	313. Quantum Creep

From: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))   
Subject: I'm all employed and stuff! 

Hey, Mr. Boss Guy!

So, that's it. I am officially your personal assistant, bound to you for life or until I pay off my indentured servitude or something like that. Look at my awesome SI email address and everything. 

You've been warned. 

Anyway, the paperwork is all taken care of, Steve and I are TOTALLY going to do our sexual harassment training together and sit in the back row drawing the instructors naked or something. It's gonna be sweet.

So I guess I'm officially your assistant. What the hell do you need me to assist with? Can I tell you your taste in paint colors sucks? 

(Nah, really, I don't know how you feel about e-mail tone. I can write a very professional e-mail if need be, and if you prefer that for work documentation, let me know.)

JSYK I talked to Steve a bunch earlier this afternoon (which you actually probably already know since he was covered in paint) and I think he's cool with all of this. If he seems not-cool, can you tell me? He seems okay about it all, but he is kind of awkward about the super hot ex-girlfriend working for the super hot boyfriend, probably because it sounds like the beginning of a porno. He wrote me this whole letter apologizing and stuff, and it was really sweet, but it sort of sounded like he was afraid us all hanging out together was going to be a problem. I noticed that he was quiet when we were doing the tour and stuff, but, like, I wasn't going to poke him about it, since I wasn't 100% sure that was it. Plus, Clint had a really shitty day so I was way more trying to cheer him up. 

Anyway, in closing, I should totally say thank you. I've been really a wreck about the gallery, and Clint's been great about it and all, but he can't really do anything about the money or the work and-- I mean, you have experience running businesses. It's a punch to the gut. We've lost so much money, and the art is irreplaceable. I'm trying to work out the business end with Merrie, but, like, you know how artists are. You get out there and they just want to talk personal life shit and she asks me about Clint and you guys (such a fangirl, seriously) and before I know it, time's up and I have to reschedule. Being able to come out here and relax and drink booze and sit in your hot tubs and just not think about any of it was great enough, but actually giving me something to do with my time-- and _paying me for it_ \-- is just above and beyond. I have met a lot of rich people in my life, given my choice of career, and no one's ever been this generous to me before. 

I seriously was kind of expecting to hate you. I mean, I didn't think I'd hate you, but when Steve told me there was someone else, I was all ready to punch whoever it was. Then I figured out it was you, and it made so much more _sense_ that he'd been acting so weird. And then it turns out you're a really good guy. You know I've been kind of enmeshed in studying superheroes for ages, but this whole thing is so crazy; I can write theory forever but the real thing turns out to be so much better. I look at what you do in your personal life, and it's like, hey, this guy would be a hero even without being Iron Man.

Yeah, this is getting maudlin or something. You can tell I need a job. Oh wait, no, I don't! Thanks so much, again. 

Becky

PS If Steve says anything about me being a supervillain, he's a liar. I want to be one of those antiheroes who, like, starts out bad but secretly has a heart of gold and by the end of the story we form an unlikely alliance. My superhero/villain/morally-ambiguous-sidekick name is Quantum Creep.


	314. Clear as mud

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: RE: I'm all employed and stuff! 

Heya Rebeccakes,

First off, no worries on the job. Believe me when I say I’m actually quite the selfish dickbag, it’s just that our needs happened to align on this one – you needed a job, I needed a PA with some knowledge of scheduling, event management, and the navigation New York social circles, match made in heaven, right?

Second - thanks for talking to Steve. I really mean it - the kid needs more friends who aren't involved in the bullshit that is superheroing (not that there's anything wrong with superheroing, it really is the best kind of bullshit) and who can at least attempt to understand the weird situation he's in with the whole asleep-for-seventy-years thing. It’s easy to forget he’s so inexperienced with interpersonal stuff as a whole, but when you really think about it, when would he have learned?

You sort of have to beat on the shell 'til he sticks his head out and then distract him so it doesn’t poke back in again, but it sounds like you managed that with finesse. 

So personal crap aside, and on the topic of the actual job that I’m paying you for… I haven’t really had a good PA since Pep moved on to CEOing, and I've cycled through about five since then, so some of this shit may be really out of order or inconsistent. I’ve had a few that managed the business half of things, but not the personal stuff so much – and art falls under personal. Also, a lot of the personal stuff that my J.A.R.V.I.S. AI operating system (you met J, right?) used to take care of aren’t really getting done now that he’s evil and uninstalled. I should probably tell you it’s been a few years since I tried to balance being a CEO with my personal life, and that was back when my personal life didn’t involve Avengering, so I’m fully expecting an adjustment period and shit. You should also probably rent Devil Wears Prada, because that's basically how I treat my PAs when I'm feeling grumpy or forget to eat. (That may take some work - JARVIS used to have some failsafes programmed in to make sure things like food and coffee happened at regular intervals for the safety of everyone involved, but he's no longer in the picture, so. We'll figure that shit out as we go.)

(Actually, I'll just push it to the new phone -- they gave you a new phone, didn't they? If not, I'll give you one of the prototypes I have down in the bunker.)

So uh, have a list:

****Things I Know That Pepper Used To Do** **

**Manage my schedule –** Your new Starkpad is pre-loaded with a calendar that syncs to mine. I’m trying to figure out how exactly to balance being a CEO again (last time I did a shit job of that, but I was super busy banging models. Now I’m super busy saving the world, you know, life is hard) so part of your duties is basic execution of that schedule. I’m gonna be on the west coast between 2 and 3 days a week so if you want to join me you can, if not it’s probably okay, it’ll be mostly meeting with R  & D and since that's the part of my job I like I generally pay attention.

 **Access -** You're probably used to this at the gallery, but I'm pretty much a VIP/hot commodity and generally I like to be special. You make sure all my shit run smoothly - restaurant and hotel reservations, appointments, meetings, if we fly cattle car on the fucking public airlines you make sure I get into and out of the building with minimal fuss, when we have parties you get to memorize people showing up and help introduce them to one another... you make sure that people who should have access to me see me and people I don't want to see don't see me. My cell  & personal e-mail stay private so you'll have to get used to deflecting when people want a direct line to me (I can't emphasize this enough -- there a fuckton of people who want a direct line to me). You manage facebook and twitter and shit, though I do actually post there from time to time... yeah, access is a big thing. You have a slush account for ... motivational spending? Does that sound better than 'shameless bribery'? It's significant, and you can use that to smooth things over from time to time. Basically, I don't care who you pay to solve a problem so long as it gets solved and I don't have to deal with it.

 **Manage Household Staff -** this one is kind of easy because my staff has been around forever and knows the drill. There’s housekeeping at the tower (private for the top levels, just ignore everything else, that’s SI territory) and my team of chauffeurs, I have a personal trainer and an on-call chef and a receptionist at my office in the tower (May is responsible for calls, managing voicemail, and reading my public SI mail address and forwarding relevant stuff... you may end up helping screening and/or responding to fanmail in my name... physical mail too if any anti-tech dinosaurs out there decide to send me shit) and … let’s see, there’s my CPA Dae Seong and his team of three, and the flight crew on the jet (Jerry, Shanta, and Samantha and the six SI jet attendants) and I think that’s it. They’re all pretty used to how we do things around here so it should be fine.

Oh I’d like to have you in Ireland on the 13th, you cool with that? You do have a passport, right? I’m gonna be in Reykjavik later this month too. It’s short notice so I’ll understand if you can’t manage it.

 **Paperwork -** Pep used to do shittons of paperwork, I sort of think she just got off on it but I’m sure some of it actually mattered? I know most of my personal expenditures get into an SI expense report and is tax-deductible so just fill that shit out and see what happens. I’ve never actually seen an expense report so ask Dae Seong about that.

 **Art** \- since this is what you actually want to be doing… I sort of almost died a few years ago and sold off roughly 73% of the art collection Pepper put together in a moment of madness. I’ll give you a inventory of what I used to own along with Pep’s unfinished wishlists. Her long term goals included putting together a gallery or at least locating a local exhibition to rotate some of the pieces through -- maybe chart that idea under long-term projects, sometimes affiliated with the Maria Stark foundation.

(We could build a gallery and give it to Steve. He’d like that right? We could include classroom space for art lessons and teach art to tiny orphans and stuff. I’m really bad at presents, sometimes I knock it out of the park and other times it’s so awful I’m grateful to the terrorists that explode the evidence of my ineptitude. Pencil it in as a maybe.)

 **Maria Stark Foundation** \- You're probably familiar with this... the Foundation is the charity I set up in my mother's name when she and my old man kicked the bucket back in the day. Generally I try to prioritize it -- I'll still miss events from time to time, but if there's a scheduling conflict I prefer slating the Foundation first, SI second. I'll introduce you to my Foundation team -- they're a fully independent organization though I sit on the board and their charter does grant me some oversight and influence on the kinds of events they hold, but I don't think I've ever turned down an idea. 

**General Day to Day stuff -** Pepper was basically responsible for making sure I had the shit I needed at the meetings I was scheduled to attend, so like, printed copies of relevant documents/blueprints/stock readouts, that kind of thing. She’s also really good at apologizing when I failed to show up to things. She’d get my dry cleaning done and make sure the groceries were delivered and occasionally lock me out of my lab and make me shower. I don’t know. You’ll probably get the hang of that, odds are good if you think it needs doing it should be done, so. Yeah.

 

There's probably a lot more than that, but I pretty much ignored 80% of what Pepper did or told me she was doing, because I'm an unappreciative bastard -- so this list may be incomplete. You're welcome to e-mail Pepper and make sure I'm not leaving out something important. Clear as mud? Excellent.

I was serious about the passport thing, if we need to get anything expedited do it yesterday and bill SI.

T


	315. Clean Enough to Eat Off

To my incredibly busy CEO genius billionaire boyfriend:

I've finally gotten most of the green paint washed away-- I must have scrubbed about three layers of skin off in the process, but I'm clean enough to eat off of (not that you seem to be picky about that sort of thing). It only took a day, and there's still some in my hair, but ah, well.

I guess you know I talked to Becky. Well. Painted Becky, in the literal sense and not the sense of portraiture. Although there were portraits involved.  (No, you can't see them, and yes, I've painted over them.) But we did talk.

She seems excited about working for you, and I think she's the right lady for the job.  I'm not too worried anymore that things will be awkward.  She didn't even seem that upset.  

There is so much about her that reminds me of you-- she's cocky, assertive, funny as hell, and has the puerile sense of humor of a six year old.  If I'd left it up to her, you'd have an entire hallway wall full of electric green penises.  (I probably shouldn't be telling you this; you might make me put them back.)  She kept telling me I have a type.  I think she might be right, and it hadn't occurred to me until then.  I always thought that sort of thing was a load of horseshit, really, but it turns out it might be true.  

(And I have a good feeling I know what your type is).  

We talked a lot about you, and we talked about Clint, and we talked about us, and by the end of the conversation, I was actually having fun and had sort of forgotten that I was supposed to be nervous.  Which was-- I guess why I liked her in the first place.  I'd start out terribly nervous, certain I'd do something wrong, and ten minutes later, I would have set it aside.  She's just...an easy person, I suppose.  She's also been offering to introduce me to some other friends of hers.  It might be nice.  I still feel so out of my element with people who aren't part of our team.  

I hate to tell you this, Tony, because I know you'll print it out and make me wallpaper a room with it, but you were right.  You were right; apologizing was the right thing to do.  And it seems like I might have another friend. 

I hope this CEO business isn't killing you.  It's killing me, knowing you're not going to be just downstairs all the time.   

Don't work too hard. When you get home, we can take the dog for a walk, curl up and not watch a movie.

That electric green is vile, by the way. I don't know why I let you choose it.  Why did you choose it? 

Your very lazy ancient defrosted no-longer-painty,

Steve


	316. Meet KNUT THE VIKING CHIEFTAIN FOSTER-ODINSSON

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[Location ID=STARKMANSION]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m just saying, I think this is a RIDICULOUS form of food. I have a food processor! I must own at least…. _three_ food processors! Why are we not using a food processor!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve never done it in a food processor. Look, you just have to...keep whisking…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, it keeps separating, no amount of whisking will save it, Steve. I mean - shit! 

[grumbling]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [snuffle, whimper]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re adding the oil too quickly. When I said tiny drops, I meant _tiny drops_. Tiny. Precise. Pretend you’re in the lab. 

[sigh] Here. Let’s start over. I’ll rinse that out; you get a new bowl. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t rinse it out, give it to the dog. Egg makes their coats shiny.

[slopping, lapping]

I would just like to state, for the record, that this is _bullshit_. If I was in the lab I’d make DUM-E take care of this shit -- actually, I bet I could bang out an algorithm pretty quick… he’s pretty spot-on with repetitive motions. Also, dramatic tower rescues.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re the one who asked how to make it, Tony. Come on, don’t give up. It never comes out right on the first try. It’s a law of science; you have to do it twice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s a terrible property for a food to have.

I only asked because it looks so easy -- all white, creamy, innocent in its little jar… I think I was happier when I believe mayonnaise was some magical creamy ambrosia, like an element of nature or something, not just eggs and oil beaten off like a horny teenager--

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What’s this about white, creamy, beating off? Should I come back later?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes. Steve was just taking off his --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony can’t get the mayonnaise to emulsify. Emulsify. See, Tony, science words. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That looks disgusting. That’s supposed to be mayonnaise? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not patient enough for mayonnaise, apparently.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you patient enough for anything?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not anything I’d care to describe in mixed company. Tony, start over. You’re going to get this right. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughs] Save me, Natasha! If I have to separate another five eggs I might _actually_ die. Think of the paperwork.

[fridge door opening]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I love paperwork. I’ll do the paperwork. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Egg separation does have such a high mortality rate this time of year. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, it’s not hard. You just pour the egg back and forth from one half of the shell to the other until the white is strained off. It’s just--

[egg cracking]

In the wrist, see?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That part I can do fine, god. It’s all the beating off that hurts. My wrist aches, see, I just usually have people do that sort of thing for me -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you two having problems? I hate to hear that Stark’s doing that much beating off these days. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s _beating_. Just beating. No ‘off,’ Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is it warm in here, Steve? You’re looking a little red. Which, by the way, really brings out the green in your hair. [splashing, pouring] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muttered] Shut up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooch]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [bark]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hey, there, puppy. Are you having a good-- hmm. Does the dog have a name yet? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Uh. Not really. Tony’s, uh, made a few suggestions…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Toast. Truffles. Chips. Rye. Mayo? Why can’t we call him Mayo?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you don’t know who to make it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t criticize my mayo. It’s probably delicious.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [scratching] Toast, Truffles...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told you the last time you walked around the kitchen calling out words that I wasn’t naming the dog after a food. That’s a little weird. It’s weird, ri-- What are you doing, Natasha?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Making a list. So you can narrow it down. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m narrowing it down. Cross all of those off. _Mayo_. How about ‘Tony Stark doesn’t know how to beat off?’ 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine with me. You’re the one who’s gonna have to call the dog that when walking in Central Park.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [growl]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [snuffle] [lick]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, don’t get all growly, sugarplum. Chill out. PEACE OUT. We could name it Peace? Actually - naming a dog peace is kinda like naming a girl Chastity. There’s no way she won’t end up a hooker.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whine] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Which, come to think of it, brings me back to my original suggestion…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If you call the dog ‘Hooker’ one more time, I am naming the dog Howard. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steeeve. You can’t name the dog after my dead dad, that’s weird. What if we spice it up a little? like…. DOGGY HOOKER, M. D. I mean, he is a doctor. T.J. for ….Terrible Jokes. Ooh, Dog-tor!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That was my joke. Isn’t that right, _Howie_? 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [yip]

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No dead fathers. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** What about dead fathers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve is naming his dog after my dead dad. Because being orphaned at nineteen wasn’t TRAUMATIC enough! Also, we’re making mayo.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Darcy? Why are you here? 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** To ogle your bulging muscles. I have a friend whose mom named her dog after her dead husband. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s…. did she _like_ her husband?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Why are we naming dogs after dead people. Seriously, if anyone suggests naming the dog Phil I will absolutely --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God, no. We’re naming it Howard. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** I mean, I also had a friend who named her kid after her dead dog...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That_ is fucked up.

[footsteps] [bowl clinking against counter]

Dude, Barton, fingers out of my mayo. One, it’s nasty and I don’t know where you’ve been. Two, it still hasn’t EMULSIFIED so you’ll probably get salmonella and…. actually, you know what, go ahead.

If you call it Howard, I’m calling it Barnes. Or, or Erskine, or something.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [whine]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Dude, too soon, Stark.

Also, your mayo sucks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t help it, I don’t suffer from premature emulsification. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [groans]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** More like emulsification dysfunction.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought our private business was private, _STEVE._

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** I thought you’d be good at mayo, Tony. All that wristwork. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ve outsourced my wristwork lately. Talk to --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do we have any _actual_ suggestions for dog names, or should I just start making paper hats instead? 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Well, I have a friend in New Hampshire whose dog’s name is Rufus at the Disco. He’s, like, super afraid of hats. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Rufus is … okay. I think this dog needs something a little cooler, though. Like…. Snoop-dogg. Kind of intense, it’s good!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Christ, how old are you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like the cartoon strip dog? The pilot one? With the bird friend? And the little bald kid who can’t kick the football? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Close, but with pockets full of rubbers, smokin’ endo, sippin’ on gin and juice…

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Laid back with my mind on my money and my money on my mind…

[shuffling, dancing footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re thinking of Snoopy, Steviekins.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Hee! Arcanine. Or Ninetails? Uh…. Vulpix, Poochyena, Electrike? Lillpup? Herdier?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** TWILIGHT SPARKLE.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Twilight Sparkle is a unicorn; that’s ridiculous. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh my god. I am going to drown myself in this vat of mayo. GOODBYE, STEVE. GOODBYE.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can’t drown yourself in the mayo; it’s not even good mayo. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Awww. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You haven’t even tasted it!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Look at it. I don’t need to.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Cruel. Cruel and unusual.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Okay, Steve, if you’re so smart let’s hear some of YOUR suggestions. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...don’t know. I don’t have any...uh. Fido? Rover? Spot? Bob? Frank? Leo? Buddy? Dug? Duke? Peter? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Those are just dude names, you’re probably just naming guys you met this one time at a bar. You might as well name it like, Jack or... Kirby? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stan? Lee? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Dude names are just kind of...blah.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What about something, uh, doggier? Barker? Barkley? Woofer?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** SUBwoofer? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I thought Steve said no sexy names.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] I can’t help it, it’s a weird kind of compulsion.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s your excuse for everything.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You _like_ my eccentricities. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Barkley is an excellent name. What about something tough, like… Max? Max is cute. NO, wait! Tramp, like Lady and the Tramp! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? You just lost me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Tramp is good -- I liked that movie as a kid, believe it or not. Also, there’s that great Sinatra song - _she gets too hungry, for dinner at eight - she loves the theater, but always comes late…_

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** _She never bothers with, people she hates…_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] _She goes to Coney-the beach is divine. She goes to ball games-the bleachers are fine. She follows Winchell and reads ev'ry line. That's why the lady is a tramp._ That’s _Mitzi Green_ , not Sinatra, thank you very much.  
.  
 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You _sing_..... you sing. Oh my god. Excuse me while I peel my clothes off --

[shuffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was in a musical revue for si-- not in the kitchen, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** TOO LATE. This shirt? Unnecessary. [cloth hitting the floor]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** No complaints here! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No _comments_ here. Is there anything I’m writing down yet? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tramp. Tony, put your shirt back on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There’s no need for name calling, Steve. Let’s keep things civil, there are ladies present.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [snorts] Tony -- you’ve been hitting the gym.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I _have_ , thank you for noticing, Clint. I’m bench pressing Steve on a thrice nightly basis. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** TMI, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughs] TMI??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Definitely TMI. Unless this is like that other time you taught me made-up slang.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It wasn’t made up. I have it on good authority that plenty of Finnish people use the idiomatic--

[thump]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Shirt! Shirt! Now!

[whumpf]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Man, you can lead a horse to water…. you people wouldn’t know a good view if it bit you in the ass. [cloth rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The view is delightful; I’m concerned about mayo-related accidents.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oh, please let there be mayo-related accidents. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Okay, okay, seriously, what about Max? Max is cool sounding.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** What about like - oh! Name him Snuffles, like Sirius from Harry Potter! It’s perfect, since he was all gay and secretly banging what’s his face, the werewolf dude.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t remember that from the movie.

[thunderous footsteps]

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** GOOD DAY, MY FRIENDS. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** STOP! HAMMER TIME!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh….

[dancing footsteps]

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** Friend Stark! You look most fine this evening -- Shall I remove my shirt as well?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** God, yes, please. Everyone remove your shirts. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You first, Da-- oh, yes, _hell_ yes. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** [fabric rustling] Did you doubt me? I’m totally equal-opportunity. Plus, there is no point in having a Katamari Damacy bra if no one gets to see it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wow, you’re...rocking that lime-green-and-covered-in-weird-alien-headed-dudes look…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This is a completely normal afternoon.nn I’m just here cooking, people aren’t taking their clothes off.. Good-- Thor? Why are you here? 

**FELINE.Unidentified:** Meeeeeeeoooooooow. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [growling, snarls]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dog. Come on, Dog, calm.... You have a cat. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He has a _what?_

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** I DO INDEED! I was off in search of a latte most vanilla when from the corner of my eye I espied a flier requesting assistance! A wayward chieftain in need of shelter! I can not turn my back on a kinsman, my friends. I retrieved the creature and brought her here.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [growl] 

**FELINE.Unidentified:** Mrrr?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dog, come-- sorry. I don’t know why the dog’s so…

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Jesus. You’re still calling it dog. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is -- dogs and cats, living together! MASS HYSTERIA!

[cough]

Oh, uh, sorry, Steve. I guess I forgot to mention I invited Thor and company to crash in the mansion at Christmas, Jane’s grant money in London dried up, so…

I didn’t say anything about a _cat_ , though.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** She is the newest addition to our merry band! My friends, meet KNUT THE VIKING CHIEFTAIN FOSTER-ODINSSON.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …..uh. That’s…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shouldn’t it be Knut Foster-Odinsson The Viking Chieftain? 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** No, no, it’s way funnier this way. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew. 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** My fair Jane has been describing to me the intricacies of Midgardian naming conventions - the reason that, even should we choose to wed, she should never take my family name.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrr…

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** Ah! Such tiny, ferocious claws.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [growl] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dog. C’mon, Dog. Leave the kitty alone. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [whine]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Fucking cats. Man.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How long did it take you to name the cat, Thor? 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** She had already been given a name at birth, ‘twas on her flier. See?

**[LOADING VISUAL MATERIALS:FLIER.JPG]**

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Knut the Viking...I do. Fascinating. 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** I knew she was destined to come into our fold. Even your fierce, snarling canine shall grow to love her.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [growl]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Our fierce, snarling canine is in need of a name. Help me convince Steve that it needs to be something appropriately American - Stars? Or Stripes! Spangles! Liberty! _Tightpants_!

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** Though your pride in the colors of your land is admirable, my friend, surely such a proud beast must have a proper title. Call him, THE GREAT STANLEY EDMUND STARK-ROGERS.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. Stark-Rogers…?

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** Yes. By hyphenating his name, you refuse to succumb to the systematized sexism inherent in traditional naming practices. It is most appropriate, given the renown of your current names!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** But neither of us is female. Not that it’s not. You know. Catchy.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** My Jane, gentle creature that she is, offered to allow me to take on her own name. If my royal father would not disapprove, I would be honored to do so. Is this not a common Midgardian practice?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Typically the patriarchy make women change over, guy get to do whatever the hell they want. Which is why the dog should just be Rogers, since he’s Steve’s baby.

[spoon scraping against bowl]

Steve! We’re in business! Look!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You got it! Good. Now just...keep adding the oil _slowly_ this time. Don’t dump it all in. I… [mutter] Stark-Rogers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooch]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Aww. I ship it. Stony. Stony Stark-Rogers? The dog?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I like it, a subtle nod to the shippers. Also will TOTALLY not backfire the first time someone asks about it in a press conference. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Oooh, that would be fun. Public outing via dog-name? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Considering that I went on national television and told everyone I was dating Tony and everyone thought I was joking... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was my favorite moment in the world. I could listen to you declare your undying affection for me forever. I might have to make it my ringtone.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Meow?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And then the dog would never get a name. Stark, I think the cat likes you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It better not. I’m not a cat person. They shit in boxes.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Natasha. Put down Stony Stark-Rogers. Dooo it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re not _really_ naming the dog that. 

[silence]

I mean, we couldn’t say so if it was. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …….yeah. Yeah, of course.

It’s not my dog, anyway. 

[silence, spoon clattering in bowl]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re the only one who keeps saying that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I gave him to you. He’s yours. [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, that explains why he keeps trying to sleep on your side of the bed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He has a perfectly cozy kennel, Steve, I don’t see why we can’t --

[silence, spoon clattering]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** COOL. Awkward domestic...ness…. domesticity? Well, it’s awkward. 

Soo...

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Proooowr.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** I think you should name the creature for a great Midgardian warrior. Someone who has faced many odds and overcome, who craves adventure as much as his masters. Perhaps Lord Spartacus, or verily, the great master INDIANA JONES.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** They named the dog Indiana! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** N-- I would actually name the dog Indiana. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….Indiana’s a pretty good name. Indy for short - we watched Raiders of the Lost Ark a few weeks ago. Twice.

[smooch]

Steve just likes him because he melts Nazis.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch]

We have a lot in common. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m putting Indiana on the list. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** What is the mayo for, anyway?

[sploosh]

Mmmm…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God damn it! Fingers out of my mayo! Though you’re way better at sucking it off your fingers than Clint. That was just awkward.

It was for sandwiches, but it took so long to get the fucking recipe right that I ate the sandwich without the mayo. Now it’s just an exercise in frustration.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Psh, Stark, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I have amazing suction skills.

I think you should name it after ice cream - Steve loves ice cream. Like Rocky Road, or Moose Tracks, or something.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….Moose…?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I already said no foo-- Moose. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckles]

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oh, you could put Thor’s fertility horns on him then. 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** Verily! They are unlikely to fit Knut The Viking Chieftain, I would happily share them with our other four legged compatriot. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [purring]

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Perhaps a warrior from the last great war - Edwin Rommel, or perhaps lord MacArthur? You have spoken highly of the man in our times together, Captain.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think we have a no dead people rule, Thor…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And Rommel was a Nazi.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Not even, like, Benjamin Franklin or Abraham Lincoln dead people? Abe Lincoln Stark-Rogers? Thomas Jefferson Stark-Rogers?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No dead people. I, uh. I still like Moose. Natasha, you can put that on the list. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? I do too. It’s… you know. A pretty okay name. He’s moose-sized, at least. And he snores like I imagine a moose would snore.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Got it. [throat clearing] Moose Stark-Rogers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Moose Rogers!

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [bark]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** See? He likes that one, too. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t understand why the dog needs a surname. Is he filing taxes?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can a dog be a tax shelter? This requires investigation. Maybe he can be listed as a dependent...

[footsteps in hall]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [muffled] … I still have a hard time accepting the term as a blanket term for a force we don’t understand, when assumption has historically been faulty and could quite easily reference numerous forces, theories and/or particles that simply have yet to be discerned. Antimatter is such a sci-fi term.

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** Well, yes, but science fiction has very much influenced and predicted so much of our-- oh.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** … wow. This is a pretty… packed kitchen. Is that a...

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrowl. 

**FOSTER.Jane.:** It’s a cat. Why is there a cat…?

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** My darling Jane!

[rustling]

[inaudible]

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** Thor, hi. There’s a cat on you. Annnnd no shirts on anyone else.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Tis a celebratory practice, I believe! 

Fair Jane, meet Knut The Viking Chief Foster-Odinsson. Knut The Viking Chief Foster-Odinsson, meet my fairest Jane, a Lady of Science, a Woman of Words, brilliant and wise beyond her years, my truest love, who holds in her hands the heart of the Son of Odin.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrr. 

**FOSTER.Jane.:** He’s going to get hair on everything. Why couldn’t you get a monochromatic cat?

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Our paths crossed in her hour of need. I have named her in accordance with progressive Midgardian rituals. Does she not please you?

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** She’s a girl? Named Knut the Viking Chieftain? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Equal opportunity pussy. I like it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groans]

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Her moniker was thus when we met, I merely amended it to suit our present arrangement. There was a flier! See?

 

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** I...see. I…[sigh] I suppose we can work with this. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [footsteps] Team. Nat.

[soft smooching sound] Is this seat taken?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mmm...afternoon, darling. 

[smooch]

I saved it for you. We’re naming Steve’s dog. It’s a committee. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So far we have, uh. Moose. And Indiana. And Tramp. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Stark-Rogers. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Mostly because Steve turns amazing colors when we say it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He does. It’s glorious.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It is _not_ glorious, it’s…[muttered] makes it sound like we’re married. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- well. We both know that’s not on the agenda, so what’s the worry?

What about Roger? Roger Rogers? I could salute every time you called him in from the yard.

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** When I was a little girl, I wanted a penguin, and my parents got me a dog instead. So I named her pingy. I did get in trouble when I painted a tuxedo on her, which in hindsight was perhaps not the best way to improve the situation, but I am still perplexed as to why my parents considered a canine anything like an avian. 

What about...Sunshine? Lucy? Rosie? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s a manly dog. A manly man’s dog.

 **FOSTER.Jane.:** Scout? Jem? Boo? Atticus? I always liked the names in _To Kill A Mockingbird_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Atticus is a brilliant name. Kind of a shame to waste it on a dog though. Man… Atticus Stark would be a fucking badass name. I might consider reproducing just to grace the planet earth with someone named _Atticus_.

[patting dog’s flank] 

Not that you’re a waste, mind you. But he totally kills a dog in the book and that shit is _sad_.

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [lapping, snuffling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you were a girl I’d name you Laika. [smooching, licking]

AUGH! My face!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I had thought the same thing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Great minds.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Perhaps another great warrior, or explorer - Marco? As in --

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** POLO!!!!

[whisper] Stark-Rogers. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Darcy, don’t tease. Steve, why don’t you name him something artistic? Picasso? 

**FOSTER.Jane.:** Or Sigmund - as in, Freud.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Or if that’s too serious, something like… Zero? You loved the Nightmare before Christmas. That’s something Christmassy, and he _was_ a gift.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Cartoon dogs! Astro! Sandy! Scooby-Doo! Scrappy-Do-- No. Terrible idea. Krypto! Batman! Who. Isn’t actually a dog. Stitch isn’t a dog, but they think he is? 

What about Beethoven? 

[footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Beethoven? The musician or the dog? Whoa. Hello, everyone in the kitchen. And shirtless.

Tony, I just got off the phone with HR. Should I be in here with everyone shirtless? Is this harassment? I haven’t taken the training!!!!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

It just kind of happened. Everything in order? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yep. I passed security clearance and everything, although they did question my taste in employers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course they did. And rightly so - I expect I’ll get an e-mail about it. The last girl I hired after half a bottle of scotch leveled three lawsuits in her first week.

We’re naming Steve’s dog - Darcy, I like Sandy - you’re thinking like Little Orphan Annie Sandy, right? 

Becks, your first official task as PA is to provide adorable canine name suggestions. Go.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sandy’s good. It’s a good comic, you know, when they’re not busting unions.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** SANDY MAKES THE LIST! Do it, Nat.

Ugh. _Unions_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, Daddy Warbucks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love it when you call me Daddy.

[swatting sound]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sweet. Um. Milou? That’s Tintin’s dog. Godzilla? Godzilla fucking rocks and he does kind of have monster breath. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hah! He’s huge, too. 

What about… DOG-E? I mean, seems par for the course around here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** DOG-E…. only if we can come up with a satisfactory acronym… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I feel like that’s sort of blasphemous. DUM-E might worry he’s getting replaced. You know, kids and dogs... 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** Ahem. Stark-Rogers. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What about, like, one of those super pretentious dog names like Dee-Ohh-Gee or Harry Barquer? You know, spelled the French way? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pshhhhhhh you lost me at pretentious. Seriously with the hyphenated BS, Darce - must you?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Oh, you loved it until somebody said _married_. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Lucky? That’s kind of a classic. Properly Irish, for Steve’s side of the family. Or something Brooklyn-y. Dodger?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dodger. Lucky’s all right, too. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Lieutenant? Agent? Agent something. Agent Puppy. Agent Agent. AVENGER!

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Fluffy Avenger of the Night!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I sort of want to stay away from, uh, Captain America-ish names. You know, like someone wanted to name their childhood imaginary dog. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [disdainful sniff]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Imaginary...TONY. YOU WANTED TO NAME YOUR CHILDHOOD DOG STEVE?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It wasn’t a real dog.

Cap, actually. But Steve’s already vetoed that, sooooo….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That, and Stripe, and Star, and Spangle, and July, and uhh...other various Captain-America-themed dog names. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Prrrrrrrrrrrr.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** Ah, darling girl. Jane, I believe Lady Knut The Viking Chieftan may require objects meant to entertain - she is a very vivacious little thing. I have deduced that she likes long, pliable objects… you see how she toys with my golden locks?

[phone ringing] 

**FOSTER.Jane.:** Well, she certainly seems to like you. We can get her a scratching post, and...cat toys. All right. Cat toys. [pause] Are there Asgardian cat toys? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Just a-- Hello, Sir? Yes, but we’re--I’ll call you back in twenty minutes. Yes. No. _No_ No, I didn’t. Yes, Sir. Yes. Twenty. 

[swiping]

[sigh] 

Can we name the dog Director Fury? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I feel like the dog bites less. Do you have to go? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I will. Not yet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Gotta go back someone up? 

That’d be cute, Steve. When you’re in the park you can shout “I NEED BACKUP!” and he’d come running.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] That is actually cute. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t ask so surprised…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ll put that one down. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m surprised you suggested a name that isn’t dirty. Or related to Captain America. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, being a hooker is a perfectly acceptable career path for the entrepreneurial woman, Steve. Or man. We’re equal-opportunity here, this is AMERICA.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, but the dog already has a very well-established and ambitious medical career. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There are plenty of kinds of doctor. He could be a sex doctor. Or Doctor Puppy. Or a supervillain doctor! 

Dogtor DOOM.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s a terrible name for a supervillain. No self-respecting villain would ever call himself that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You clearly need to meet more supervillains. There’s one out there somewhere called _Toad._ He’s just as gross as you’re imagining.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Supervillains? How about Lex Luthor? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want an evil dog! 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** How about a morally ambiguous dog who sometimes fights on the side of good but betrays you as soon as your back is turned? 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** That… would be a trifle too close to my own heart, I fear. My late brother was just such a soul. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Except for the whole “morally ambiguous” and anything related to “the side of good” that doesn’t involve “crushing” or “destroying”. Seriously, Thor. I know you’re sad and all, but denial - not just a river in Egypt.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrr.

 **ODINSSON.Thor.:** I grant you that in your acquaintance he treated you ill, Clint Barton. But there was more to him that what your eyes, keen as they are, have seen.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [stool scooting, footsteps] 

We know you cared deeply for your brother, Thor, but perhaps this is a larger subject than the current conversation can withstand. I have seven names. Rufus, Sandy, Tramp, Indiana, Moose, Dodger, Backup. Does anyone else have anything to add? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey. 

How about Monty?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …….

...that’s pretty okay. Monty’s kind of cool.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sure. Monty can go on the list. 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** How will you determine which moniker is the most appropriate?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think that’s… up to Steve. Maybe let him think about it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not-- I don’t-- We could, uh. Vote? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You want us to _vote_? Holy shit, America.

Okay. Fine. We vote. Becky, your SECOND job as my new Personal Assistant is to drop off the appropriate number of printed ballots at every bedroom...tomorrow? Ish? Then we can make a final decision.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Aye, aye-- er, wait, no, he’s the Captain. So, um. Aye, aye, boss? Ballots. Tomorrow, for the naming of the best Christmas puppy ever. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Here’s the list, Becky. If you’ll all excuse me, I have to go extract an agent from a cave in Pennsylvania. Doc...come back to the cottage with me? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Of course. [scraping, footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, my mayo is _glorious._ Let’s make some _more_ goddamn sandwiches with this tasty, handmade mayo.

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** I think the dog should get some mayo. 

**CANINE.Unnamed:** [bark]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course the dog gets some mayo. It makes his coat shiny. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He got the whole first batch! Damn dog is gonna be so spoiled…

[scraping]

 **CANINE.Unnamed:** [lapping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If he’s gassy he’s sleeping with you, Steve-o.

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muttered] In your bed. 

**ODINSSON.Thor.:** I shall bring forth the bread!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Mayo sandwiches sound gross. I vote for BLTs and volunteer for bacon-cooking duty.

[clanking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Bring forth the fucking bacon. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, you wanna cut some tomatoes? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course. 

**LEWIS.Darcy:** LETTUCE. I can handle lettuce. Like, barely. But yeah. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [voice low] This is pretty okay, Steve. This whole cooking-for-everyone thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [voice low] Why do you think I do it? Wait till you’re actually cooking, Tony. 

[smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] I can’t wait.

{TRANSMITTING….}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE CHAPTER. 
> 
> KNUT THE VIKING CHIEFTAIN IS A REAL (MALE) CAT UP FOR ADOPTION IN BROOKLYN, NY. 
> 
> [You can find his adoption page here](http://www.adoptapet.com/pet/9049033-brooklyn-new-york-cat). 
> 
> THERE ARE VIDEOS.
> 
> If you are in the New York area, please consider adopting Knut or one of the other fine pets being cared for by [Brooklyn Animal Action](http://brooklynanimalaction.org)


	317. A brilliant woman

Nat –

You arranged that, didn’t you? Everyone walking into the kitchen like that this afternoon? They were almost perfectly spaced five minute apart…. And a few almost seemed to have dog names in mind already.

You are a brilliant, brilliant woman.

Just saying.

T


	318. A suitable countermeasure

Director Fury,

Attached is a full copy of my notes on the substance sampled at the scene of the January 1, 2014 Stark Industries tower break-in. It is my conclusion that the toxin is a man-made substance meant to incapacitate and distract those dosed. It is remarkably similar in structure to the neurotoxin samples we claimed from the United Nations this October. I would go so far as to suggest the compound utilized in the fall attack was a prototype of this more complex substance - so complex that it appears to reprogram parts of the brain that deal with the human subconscious, allowing the more severe effect to be triggered by an aural cue. It also appears to lack the side-effects related to nausea, though pattern aggression was certainly a documented aftereffect.

Mr. Stark has been quite helpful in allowing me access to what remains of the semi-corrupted security feeds from the New Years event; I have replicated the tone in question in the presence of a restrained Agent Romanova as well as Mr. Stark himself and can assure now that this trigger is no longer an effective means of control. It appears that after the neurotoxin is ingested the potency of its responses dwindles and eventually vanishes. 

In the interest of attenuating any future neurotoxin-mediated injury, I have attached what I consider to be a suitable countermeasure – I’ve produced 120 single-dose units of an antitoxin meant to undermine the inhibited neuron control over relevant ion clusters. As Mr. Stark has suggested that S.H.I.E.L.D.’s presence in the mansion is not entirely welcome, I’ll be sending this batch to the Helicarrier with Hawkeye, our stand-in S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison.

The toxin itself appears to be a combination of tetraethylammonium and elements of several zootoxins, some appearing organic in nature.

Natasha Romanova has exhibited none of the common aftereffects of macroscopic neurotoxin exposure save a case of slightly symptomatic myopathy; I am not entirely sure this manifestation correlates to the toxin proper, as it could also be attributed to the shock of her experience on January 1. 

She has been dosed with my anti-inhibitor cure and tests normally across the board. It is my recommendation that Agent Romanova be cleared for active duty once again.

Dr. Bruce Banner, PHD


	319. Of course I'm brilliant.

T-

To be fair, the name suggestions were all unprompted. I didn't even tell Bruce what I wanted him in the kitchen for. 

Of course I'm brilliant. That's why Tony Stark is dating me. 

-N


	320. 422% Voter Turnout

From: Rebecca Quan ([Becky@uberartsunlimited.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Introducing... (drum roll, please!) 

HEY TEAM

I've counted the ballots for dog names and am happy to announce that the dog's name is 

MOOSE STARK-ROGERS

Pending approval from Steve. (Yes, the "Stark-Rogers" part was on the winning ballots.)

Curiously, we received thirty-eight votes. Given the fact that there are nine people in the house, this represents a 422% voter turnout. Excellent work; we have been surpassed only by Chicago. (I'm looking at you, Darcy. Purple glitter gel pen?)

I have counted all the ballots in spite of this small discrepancy as I believe the enthusiasm should be rewarded (and because it would have won anyway, and because I know Steve's handwriting well enough to tell which ballot is his-- ONLY ONE, BY THE WAY). 

Pending official acceptance, we will be having a naming celebration in the kitchen, with ice cream cookie sandwiches. (Yes, I conned Clint into making cookies) 

Congratulations, Moose Stark-Rogers!


	321. Your Adopted Daughter

From: Darcy Lewis Stark-Rogers ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Introducing... (drum roll, please!) 

What? Why am I incriminated just because there's purple glitter? Someone is obviously trying to frame me. 

Besides, why would I vote for Moose?

Save me an ice cream sandwich! I'll be right down!

Darcy

PS guys I'm now your adopted daughter. I hope that doesn't make things weird, Steve. If you ever decide to dump the hero and get with a zero I totally have first dibs on that.


	322. I am delighted

From: Steve Rogers ([SRogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Introducing... (drum roll, please!)

 

All:

Thank you for helping me select a name for ~~the dog~~ Moose. I know some of you have been bitterly invested in this decision, and you can rest assured that I, for one, am delighted that I will never hear the name "Captain Hooker" again.

Tony, I will be putting a jar in the kitchen. You are hereby required to put a quarter in the jar every time you call ~~the dog~~ Moose by an inappropriate moniker.

I'll be down for ice cream shortly.

Steve

P.S. Clean your room, Darcy. No TV until you've finished your homework. Eat all your broccoli.


	323. A Title Most Befitting

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org ](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Introducing... (drum roll, please!) 

On this Most Glorious Day I am Filled with Righteous Joy at the Naming of the fine Creature, Moose Stark-Rogers.

As a Being most Fierce and Powerful, he deserves a Title Most Befitting. 

I humbly suggest he be called Moose Stark-Rogers, Honorary Avenger, Chaser of Squirrels Most Fierce and Great Defender of the House of Westbury.

If this is Amenable to all, I shall Commence with a traditional Asgardian Naming Ceremony - where might I find a Suckling Lamb for this Sacred Tribute?

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  



	324. The Best

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com ](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Introducing... (drum roll, please!) 

I'm afraid I'm fresh out of suckling farm animals, Thor. I think we've got some lamb chops in the fridge, though?

Moose is perfect.

You guys are the best. 

-T


	325. You'll just have to deal

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com ](%20))  
To: Steve Rogers ([SRogers@AvengersInitative.org](%20))  
Subject: Re: Introducing... (drum roll, please!) 

S – 

just so you know, I voted for Moose ~~Stark-Rogers~~ , too. Why didn’t we think of that weeks ago? 

you're still my favorite,

T

PS. I ordered a couple of monogrammed doggy beds for the Moosemeister - did you know that Swarovski makes a doggy throne? Also picked up a fucking sweet black leather Coach collar. They're non-returnable, so you'll just have to deal.

PPS. Do you ever get the feeling that Thor is just fucking with us?

PPPS. but really, I kind of like the title.


	326. Fire up the grill

T--

I looked up Norse naming traditions and couldn't find anything about a lamb. I'm pretty sure Thor just wants to fire up the grill at this point. He really likes those tongs you got him. 

I have no idea why we didn't think of Moose. It's a perfect name. Then again, I have no idea who voted for it thirty-some times. It wasn't me-- I didn't even know what a gel pen was. I asked Becky, and she loaned me hers; I think I need some of these. Do you like the blue glitter?

Do I even want to know how much that collar cost? PLEASE tell me you didn't buy my dog a crystal throne. When it comes to crystal thrones, he is conveniently MY dog.

I booked another TV appearance. I think I'm actually starting to get the hang of this.

Moose Moose Moose,

S


	327. Mew.

{PETTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}  
[Location ID=STARKMANSION]  
{{TRANSMITTING}}

 

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no...cat, Knut...that’s...fffff...I’m trying to draw, there! 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

[purring, claws scratching]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Hey, boy. C’mere. No--not--you’re not a boy, cat! 

[sigh]

[scratching]

[ruffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** How’re you? Good? Is Tony good? Did he feed himself? No, no, we know he didn’t. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling, licking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [sigh]

Cat, you can’t sit in the middle of the sketchbook. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [rumbling growl]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** …-body seen Steve? Helllloooo, booooooyfriend, are -- oh. [laugh]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [tail thumping against couch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Were you going to ask if I was covered in pets? Because the answer is yes. Hello, boyfriend. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter] That fucking cat loves being in the way, doesn’t she. Thor is crazy - dogs are _far_ superior.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Meow.  
[feet padding]

Puurrrrrrrrrr.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ll kick you -- don’t shed on my jeans, damn it…

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [paws on sofa]

[slurping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [kissing] Hello. Hello, hello, hello-- oof. 

[kissing] 

Don’t kick the cat, Tony. You don’t want to incur the wrath of the thunder god. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It walks in its own shit. _And_ it puked in my shoes again. How does it even get into my fucking closet? I swear the door was closed.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Meow.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t know. Maybe it stood up and turned the knob? 

Hey. 

How’s JARVIS going? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps]

[rustling, settling on floor] 

Same.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [paws clicking, whumpf]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** OOF -- christ, Moosey-goosey, you’re _heavy_. Just because the cat gets to sit in laps...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I let Moose sit in my lap. 

[shifting, settling on floor.]

C’mere.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s why he’s so spoiled.

[inaudible] Mmm. You’re a sight for sore eyes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [kissing] Your eyes _look_ sore, Tony. How long have you been staring at that monitor?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath] Dunno. It’s... still light outside?

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [ruffling] 

Excellent observation. [smooch] I got through those files in the study. And most of the books are back on the shelves in here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It looks amazing -- but that black wall doesn’t look lime green to me. Took some artistic license, did you? [smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s _blackboard paint_. I did it for you. You can _write on the wall_ , Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You… I can? That’s a thing?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I know it’s not a smartboard, so it doesn’t save directly to your StarkCloud account or anything, but yes. With chalk. In all the colors. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re _amazing._ [inaudible]

If I ever get J back online, he’ll be able to import anything written. Remember - the new OS has link/data scanning capabilities now.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yes, yes, for whenever I want to look at Iron Man photos on Instagram. 

[inaudible]

 _You’re_ amazing. 

Listen. I found some things you might want to go through yourself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] Mmm. Yeah? What kinds of things?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Papers, mostly. But there’s a box of stuff that-- looks like it’s your mother’s, and I didn’t want to snoop. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Eh, snoop away. My mom was an open book. I mean -- I loved her and all, but she was high in style and kind of low in substance. [shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s a request for a social security number made in 1968, and a bunch of papers in Russian. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** …. that can’t be hers, then. My mom was Italian-American. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well. I don’t know what the Russian bits are; I was thinking you could maybe have Natasha look at them. But the social security forms definitely have her name on them. 

They-- were on the top of the box. I didn’t mean to pry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [kiss] I asked for your help organizing that shit, I knew you weren’t going to do it with your eyes closed.

Though I can think of a few things we COULD do with your eyes closed…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Mmm…[inaudible] 

You need to eat first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You can whet my appetite. [inaudible]

[rustling]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] T-- Tony...Did you even eat breakfast? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Breakfast? Isn’t that what we’re talking about?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yes. No sex before breakfast. At one in the afternoon. You know the rule. [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [whining]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling, licking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** BLEH! Fine. But make it quick, yeah? And naked. Maybe make it naked.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’d love to, but you invited a half-dozen other people to live in our house. 

[inaudible] 

Do you want breakfast food or lunch food?

[shifting] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** B-- no. Both. Waffle sandwiches? [rustling, groaning]

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [rusting]

[inaudible] 

Bacon and cheese? Mushrooms? 

[inaudible]

You coming, boy? 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [settling on sofa] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Guess not. [smooches] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps] Keep an eye on the cat, Mooster. She’s sketchy.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Prrrrrwl.

[footsteps fading]

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Of all the things I didn’t need to see at this hour of the morning, Tony Stark’s hand down someone’s pants was fairly high on the list.

[cat bathing]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] Morning? It’s one in the afternoon. You missed the morning, sillyhead!

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Call me that again and I shall rend your nose to pieces. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] With your majestic claws, I assume? 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] You’re a great, slobbering brute - I do not appreciate your interference in their adoration of my fine form.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] I don’t think it counts as adoration when you plop yourself down on Daddy’s sketchbook. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Explain, then, his patient stroking of the scratchy spot behind my ears?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] Humans are incapable of doing anything else when there is a scratchy spot in their presence. It’s science. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] You’ve been spending too much time with Tony Stark.

I wouldn’t get used to him, were I you. That affair will end in tragedy, marks my words.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] Don’t be such a gloomy gus. They have their problems, but they’ll work it out. 

Sometimes I think Other Daddy needs me around more than Daddy does, though. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] 

[snort] Wishful thinking on your part - most people need a dog like I need vegetarian kibble.

The Mighty Thor - _there_ is a man capable of treating an animal with unnecessary and indulgent kindness. He ha ordered me a scratching post he refers to as the “Yggdrasil of Climbing”.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] An ‘Yggdra-’ what?

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] I have no idea. It has nine platforms. It tears quite pleasantly beneath my claws.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] Does this mean you’ll stop tearing the sofa in the living room? Other Daddy was about to have a conniption and you know he’s supposed to be watching his blood pressure. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] [snickering]

Precisely why I have yet again christened his favorite loafers with bile.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] You-- why would you do that? Now, that’s just malicious. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] He has forbidden my entry into the Bunker of Secrets. [sniff]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] You have to earn his trust if you want to enter the bunker of secrets. Aren’t you a chieftain of your people? Don’t you know these things? 

You aren’t missing much, anyway. It’s dark and a little damp. A few interesting smells, but... Why do you want to go down there in the first place? 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Because it is forbidden, obviously. I’m a cat. It’s what we do.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** So if...Other Daddy tells you you’re allowed down there…? 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Some of the magic would fade, I admit. 

But I’m sure there are lots of fragile things to knock off high shelves. Humans are always so surprised by gravity - they make such lovely faces.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] That’s so...mean. You shouldn’t break other people’s property. 

Everything is locked up pretty good, though. We learned our lesson after the first time Uncle Robot tried to play fetch with me down there. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Disappointing.

I was hoping to seek out this so-called ‘controller’ with which everyone is so concerned, but additional locks will require some...finesse. 

Drat this lack of opposable thumbs.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] That we can agree on. I would be much more useful to my humans if I could open doors. Or tap on the talking-boxes. I could warn Daddy the snake-people are back instead of just standing guard. [snuffling]

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] It isn’t your responsibility, if they’re such idiots they don’t see the signs writ as large as Galdhøpiggen. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] [snort] 

They can’t help having the noses of a day-old pup! That’s why they have me. It’s my duty.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] And they take you for granted, when they should be earning your assistance. Still, it would rile me should the coils of HYDRA constrict upon this house. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] What if they damage the Ig-druh-tree? 

Don’t worry. I’ll bite them before that happens.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] I am quite obliged by your loyalty; if only I were more confident in your assurance of success. 

[stretching]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] I always do my best. They’re my _People_.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] Pah. Humans. Not to be trusted. I must ruminate further on this predicament- perhaps I’ll go defecate in the Hawk Guy’s bathtub.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [translating: Modern North American Canine >>English] [growl]

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [translating: Old Norse Feline >>English] [thump]

[claws scrambling]

[chasing footsteps]

{TRANSMITTING….}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was posted for April Fools' Day, 2014.


	328. Slack off and Wrestle Aliens

T--

I'm putting on my shirt and tie to go to my first day at the new gig, but I wanted to make sure you saw this. Nice press, huh? Fury's pleased; having me out front and center seems to be turning things around, but I still want to know what Roxxon's up to. 

Safe trip; hope Ireland isn't too cold and rainy. Call me before you go to bed?

\--S

The Avengers Initiative, SHIELD, and, yes, even Stark Industries, should be saying a great big "God Bless America" after Steve "Captain America" Rogers' brilliant tour of the press circuit this week. 

Much criticism has been levied at SHIELD and Stark Industries after the mishap at Stark Tower two weeks ago wreaked havoc on the Columbus Circle area in Manhattan. But since Steve Rogers took the stage for the first time since what is being called an "act of corporate terrorism," public opinion has done an about-face, and continues to swell in Stark's and SHIELD's favor with every successive interview. 

Rogers has appeared on four television news shows and given three radio interviews-- not to mention his much-lauded surprise spot on The Daily Show last Thursday, in which John Stewart accused him of angling for his job.

"Your job? No thanks, it's much harder than mine," Rogers told Stewart. "I'd much rather slack off and wrestle aliens." 

Rogers went on to announce that he was starting a different job-- in the design department at Stark Industries-- bright and early this morning. We suspect it may be a publicity stunt; after all, what does a supersoldier need with a desk job?-- but we nevertheless suspect to see a jump in female job applicants to Stark Industries' New York offices. 

It's perhaps unsurprising that Rogers' approval rating-- high across the boards-- is somewhat higher among women than men-- 82% and 74%, respectively-- particularly since, in the past week, he's mentioned an ex-girlfriend on several occasions, but no current squeeze. 

"I've actually been spending a lot of time with the ex," said Rogers, when asked about his love life. "Sorry-- she doesn't want her name in the news. She painted my hair, so I consider us even at this point." He good-naturedly pointed out several green streaks coloring his hair, and explained that they had been painting the library in the Avengers' new digs on Long Island. 

Whether or not he's using those All-American good looks to his advantage in the press, he's met critics at every turn with simple, straight-talking and usually a wry witticism to back it up. 

But that's not shutting up all Stark's critics. 

Typical Stark family sturm und drang, if you ask me," said J. Jonah Jameson, editor of _The Daily Bugle_ , who has been one of Stark's harshest critics. "Put someone more charming and capable out front and center to distract people from the truth. Howard Stark had Obadiah Stane, and it looks like Tony's had to replace Pepper Potts with Captain America. Nice work keeping the family tradition alive. And Captain Rogers isn't telling us anything about Stark Industries, which is where the real trouble is. I don't trust people who give you a dog and pony show instead of the real deal."

Since New Years', however, Tony Stark, now back in the driver's seat as CEO, has increased transparency on all major SI initiatives in response to questions-- and promises more details on the upcoming StarkPad launch supposedly at the heart of the espionage attempt in an interview next month with Popular Mechanics. This year's beneficiaries for the upcoming annual Maria Stark Foundation charity gala (a spot is valued at $30k _per plate_ ) are groups involved in STEM education, who will purportedly be getting access the new Starktech development toolkit to teach software engineering to young people in underfunded schools. 

Meanwhile, after a salvo of heavy criticism from Hugh Jones of Roxxon, who proposed a link between Stark's "green power" technology and the Avenger known as the Incredible Hulk brought on retaliation from Captain Rogers, Roxxon's environmental record is getting a once-over, with new complaints about methods in their mining efforts in Bolivia, near Lake Titicaca. 

Jones was, uncharacteristically, not available for comment.


	329. Only banging the hot co-eds

Heya Pep,

So someone told me today that there are more redheads in Iceland than in Ireland, and that made me think of you. I mean, it's not like Ireland has a real dearth of gingers, but hey. The more you know. 

So, yeah, you might have guessed I’m in sunny (hah) Ireland; the Peace conference is going well. I hired Rebecca Quan (I don't think you ever met her, but she's kind of Steve's ex-girlfriend?) as a personal assistant and she's learning the ropes surprisingly quickly. After this I'm home for a few days, then we jaunt over to Iceland for the geothermal conference and then Oslo to look at the new models of their wind-turbines. I'm starting to miss sunlight - it's dark up here all the freaking time.

(I have a lot of questions re: the wind turbine thing. I just don’t think wind is practical given the energy output necessary for the creation of the relevant parts, but who knows, maybe they’ll impress me.)

How are your classes? Do all of the students look super weird and young? Every time I do a commencement speech I swear the kids look like … twelve year olds. I must have looked ridiculous at MIT, no wonder people didn't take me seriously until I kicked their asses blindfolded with my fucking awesome grades.

The tower restoration is going well, but I still haven’t reached a conclusion about JARVIS. You knew JARVIS better than anyone other than me – you know how capable he is of self-started independent actions based on value judgments, on how self-aware he is. The hackers stripped his independence and butchered his personality – leaving behind chunks of his memory that appeared to be encrypted or otherwise corrupted. The last complete backup I have was snapped last summer and isn’t a complete memory read. A lot of data would be lost.

I’m trying to decide what to do – if I leave this malicious piece of software there to work out its own moral compass and honor his sentience in that way, or if I make a value judgment and set him back half a year.

Pretty much sucks.

Anyway, I hope you’re doing well… not burning out over homework and only banging the hot co-eds, not just the ones that want As. DUM-E misses you, he’s started drawing lately and drew me a photo of you and Daphne on a mountain with a book. It’s totally your new photo on my phone.

Be good,  
T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's Daphne? Daphne will make an appearance in [Jekyll & Charlotte](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1288582/chapters/2671708).


	330. Awaiting Commands

Hey there, Starkers,

IT'S MY FIRST OFFICIAL DAY OF WORK

I am all tricked out using your office; this is pretty sweet. Love your espresso maker. Steve and I took the train in together so he's all ensconced in the design department right now. He seems to be doing okay. He was worried about Moose, though, so we're sending Rachel out to walk him.

Hope your flight's comfy cozy; I made sure all the paperwork you needed for the trip got delivered, and you've got a car for you at the airport when you land. Thanks so much for understanding about my decision to hang here in New York-- I'd looooove to go to Ireland, seriously, but Clint's had a bad case of the blahs lately so I wanna be here for him. You know how that is. I will DEFINITELY definitely come to Iceland; that'll be sweet. I've been to Airwaves a couple times, but never just to Iceland to hang. Checking out the calendar; whooboy, you've got a lot on your plate. Just reminding you you have to call into this video conference at six today (that's six YOUR time, once you land, of course) ; I've forwarded the number and the passcode to your phone, and then you've got something with the Maria Stark Foundation people about the January fundraiser event at 6:45-- they want to know how many places you need reserved at your table. You, Ana, me-- I already asked Clint if he wanted to put on a monkey suit and tag along, but he said no. You wanna drag Steve out? I bet we could, I don't know, put him on security detail or something so he wouldn't feel weird about it, and then you could ogle him in a tux. Does he have a tux? You'd get to make him go buy a tux.

Gonna get started; writing a couple introductory emails to the rest of your staff (from you, obvs-- I'll shoot 'em over to you so you can fix them up and add any Tonyisms you want) and let's do an internal press release to the SI general mailing list, so people know who the hell this crazy chick is when she's calling them asking for shit all of a sudden. 

Have the inventory of your current art collection downloaded but I'm gonna wait to open that up because I know it's going to suck up my whole day if I look at it now.

Oh, that wacky art gallery idea of yours. Steve would love an art gallery, as long as you didn't do anything crazy like name it after him. Seriously; make it some, like, edgy new media learning center with group shows for young and emerging talent and let him teach art to little kids on the weekend. He'd eat that shit up. The _press_ would eat that shit up; it would be GLORIOUS.

All right. Ha, I guess I'm all yours. LMK if anything comes up that I haven't anticipated. 

\--Becs


	331. your first day of work

Hey babe – 

God, I wish I was there to welcome you home from your first day of work -- Ireland is cold and miserable and full of sheep and beer and an eager, educated, English-speaking labour force, but even that can't take the edge off.

I know exactly what I’d do if I were there - you’d come in and hang up your coat, and I’d come up and slide my hands into your belt loops and kiss you up against the door. I’d have taken an afternoon – you know, out of my ridiculously busy schedule, being a hero and a billionaire and a CEO and all – and I’d walk you into the kitchen and you’d be completely floored. Waldorf salad, sweet and fresh and crunchy in a bright green bowl, five-layer lasagna with tomato sauce I didn’t even get from a can. It might be a little too crisp on the edges, but you’d be so floored by your brilliant, sexy boyfriend attempting something that wasn’t a) taught to him by your sexiest, most esteemed self, or b) a breakfast food that you wouldn’t even mind the bonus crunch. When you realized I’d had bonus pints of incredibly tasty goat cheese, honey and thyme ice cream imported from out of state you’d be moved nearly to tears.

Obviously you’d want to drag me off immediately to bed, but we wouldn’t want the lasagna to get cold, now would we?

I hope your first day at work was amazing.

There’s something waiting for you in the fridge. And freezer.

T

PS - when you're done under that, check under your pillow in the bedroom. I left a few... tokens of my esteem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team!
> 
> Just a quick reminder-- Captain America: The Winter Soldier comes out in US theaters today, so we expect that over the next week or so, a lot more of you will be seeing it.
> 
> We are both going to see it tonight, but we're requesting the comments stay spoiler-free until May 4, just to give everyone who really wants to see the movie a month to do it.
> 
> If you're not sure if something is a spoiler, just err on the side of caution. (You're always welcome to pester one of us privately if there's something you just can't keep in!) 
> 
> And, as always, this fic is not going to be even remotely compliant with TWS.
> 
> Thanks!


	332. Was I supposed to save some for later?

Tony,

My first day of work was interesting. Everyone seemed very friendly and eager to be helpful, but I spent most of the day doing paperwork, waiting for IT to get my computer set up, and so forth.

Graphic design has really changed since I was in school. To be fair, I was an illustrator more than a designer, but I knew the basic gist of it. I had been tinkering with the computer programs at home when I could, but some of this seems pretty complicated. I don't doubt I'll pick it up-- it just seems like it's probably harder than Word or Powerpoint or Tumblr or Facebook or any of the other things folks have taught me. We'll see, I guess. I suppose the first little while will just involve getting up to speed, anyhow. I think I'll try to practice a few hours a day until I get the hang of it. 

So, I guess the big story of the day went something like this:

I got home from work, was greeted by a very eager dog and robot combination welcoming committee. The robot in question, while beeping urgently, handied me a note from my incredibly busy, famous, brilliant, important boyfriend, telling me how he couldn't be there, and then listing all the things that he would have done if he had been there. 

He then attempted to take my coat. It only took him three tries to get it on the hook; he was very valiant in his effort. 

The note was utterly ridiculous. He made two suggestions that teetered on the border of impossibility:

1) That he'd manage to keep his hands off me long enough to eat dinner.

2) That he'd actually cook dinner. That wasn't scrambled eggs. 

The end of the note urged me to open the fridge.

Inside the fridge was the very meal he described, all lovingly wrapped and waiting to go into the oven. Well, the lasagna was waiting to go into the oven. The salad would have been quite odd had it gone into the oven. 

I ate all of it. 

An entire tray of lasagna, an entire salad, and three pints of some of the most delicious ice cream I've ever tasted. 

Was I supposed to save some for later?

Sorry.

May I just say that I never imagined that the man who moved into the Tower last May would ever manage to make a peanut butter sandwich for himself, even upon urging, let alone cook a complete meal for someone else-- learn how to cook a complete meal from scratch for someone else-- without anyone even suggesting the idea to him. 

Where the hell did Tony Fucking Stark go, and who is this perfect man who replaced him? 

I hope everything goes well in Ireland. Becky had a good first day, too. I'm pretty sure she's going to own the place before you get back. It seems like her assistant got a lot done here at the house today-- she got through every one of the tasks on our to-do list, inventoried the art collection, even re-framed some of the stuff. Rachel's a lot more serious than Becky-- sometimes a little too serious-- but she's friendly and not afraid to ask questions. 

Be prepared for a proportionately adoring welcome home. 

Steve

PS I went into the bedroom and god, has anyone told you how sexy you are when you make ludicrous faces and pose shirtless in front of your phone?

Artist's Rendition:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey team! Just a small reminder, no Winter Soldier spoilers in the comments, please! (I won't be reminding you every day!) 
> 
> If you want to talk about the movie in the context of 1796 Broadway or Jekyll & Charlotte, CanterburyTales was nice enough to put together a post [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1409800/chapters/2958217) where you can spoil away!


	333. Extremely Delinquent

T--

I went to check the mail this morning and was greeted by the following:

  
  


  


What is this? These postcards are extremely delinquent and I expect an explanation. After all, you go to Ireland yesterday; you had to have found some emergency overnight delivery service to get these to me by today. I'm terribly put out that you couldn't go to the effort to hire time-travelers. 

I'm still thinking about that lasagna. And those scandalous photos. I hope you got my texts, preferably in the middle of a conference or somewhere equally inappropriate. 

I finally sat down and watched the dog's DVD. Do you know we're not supposed to feed him table scraps? I let him lick the lasagna dish yesterday; do you think that's all right? 

Miss you. This is the first morning in over a month that I haven't woken up to your barnacle-like grip. 

\--S


	334. Oh, god, steve

My little bugbear,

Look, the last time I went abroad my postcards were sorely overdue and it caused all manner of problems - I know I've only been gone for 36 hours but I wanted to make sure you got them before I got home this time.

I did get your texts, they actually rendered me quite speechless. I even took my phone into the W.C. (ooooh, so fancy) with me so I could have some privacy to, ah, properly appreciate them away from the judging, baleful eyes of my colleagues and hosts.

Ireland is cold, wet, and brown in January. We landed in Belfast at seven AM, ate a massive Irish breakfast complete with scones and jams and ridiculous puddings, then rolled straight to the conflict negotiation/peace keeping conference. A fair amount of SI weaponry as found its way into the hands of the nutjob splinter groups that have cropped up since the Good Friday Agreement, so SI does disarmament panels and talks tech specs, quirks, stuff like that.

It feels strange to talk about my days as a munitions guy publicly. When I think about those days I can clearly remember why I made the technical decisions I made, all choices designed to make our products more effective, more deadly, more cost efficient. Products -- that's how I thought of them. Not guns or weapons, but products meant to serve a function a effectively as possible -- even though the fucking function was government-endorsed murder.

Sometimes I look at the things I built before Afghanistan and wonder who the hell that person was.

At any rate, I did a panel and a speech before we drove down to Dublin and settled ourselves in the Shelbourne. The hotel's right on this gorgeous park called St Stephen's Green - did you know you were holy? I expect you probably did, given that it's your name and all, but it certainly explains why I'm always saying "OH, GOD, STEVE" when we're alone together.

(are you blushing? i bet you're blushing. I hope you're blushing. Any chance of me getting a photo of the blush?)

Anyway. I miss you. Work is dumb. I'm going to be home until Saturday morning, then they're shipping me off to California for two days. Wish it was a proper weekend so that you could have come with me.

T


	335. Grounds for Eternal Damnation

T--

Sorry about the weekend. If some idiot hadn't gotten me a regular day job, I might have been able to go to California. 

I was out in California during the war bonds tour, but I expect that your California and my California are worlds apart, just like everywhere else. I'd like to come with you sometime, if we can manage it. I want to go to Disneyland. I've only been on a rollercoaster once in my life, and I puked my guts out. 

I've seen a lot of good men and women working toward questionable ends. And it wasn't just the Nazis, sometimes it was our people, too. The point was, they had a problem to solve; it's easier to think about the solution than what the solution will be used for. And you love solving problems more than anyone I know. There's no shame in the fact that you once focused on the technical to the exclusion of everything else. The important part is that when you realized it, you made an honest effort to change. A lot of people don't have the courage to do that.

I'd like to congratulate you on your excellent efforts at corrupting a saint. If you weren't already an atheist, that would be grounds for eternal damnation, at least. Since you're already damned to hell, we might as well take advantage of the hand we've been dealt.

We're just going to have to make the most of our Saturday morning, then. And our Friday night. And the time in between. Do you remember the note you sent me about what you would have done if you could be there for my first day of work? 

I'm going to take your coat, pin you to the wall, and we are going to completely forget about eating, because I've finished Howard's study, tossed that old flowered sofa that smelled like mothballs to the curb, and replaced it with brown leather. 

Check your texts. Who's blushing now? 

\--S


	336. Good?  Good.

Snugglemittens -

I hate to tell you this, Steve, but I have a hot date Friday night with a gorgeous blonde beard. (not yours, either - I'm still sad that you shaved after Christmas.)

You're invited, though, strictly as my body guard -- you'll be wearing the suit I bought you, a sharp blue tie and an SI lapel pin. You see, I'm off duty due to tragically disfiguring injuries on New Years eve, and the Iron Man armor is still under repair.... and if you don't guard this poor body of mine, who will? This type of massive charity function could have any number of seedy characters, given there will be plenty of high-profile stars and politicians present.

I want to give up a dance or two and stand with my highball glass, watching you spin Natasha around the room and pretending like I'm the one pressed up against your hips under the lights. I want to slide my hand up your thigh and cop a feel at the buffet table while Natasha works the room - I'll put a big fucking glittery diamond necklace on her, nobody will be able to look away - easy a pie. I want to take you home and peel your suit off and christen that new fucking couch the minute Nat's door clicks shut. 

Good? Good.

I'm gonna be late getting in -- I promise I'll come in and curl up with you when I do.

T


	337. Damn it All

T--

Damn it all, I'm going to install speakers in the study so you can dance with me when we get home. 

I'll keep the bed warm for you. 

\--S


	338. Snap Me Back to Last Summer

Tony,

We were in talks with the wind turbine people about a year and a half ago-- It was just after New York, which is why you weren't part of those. Pull up the file before you go; you'll see some notes I made at the time. I tend to agree with your assessment-- and the amount of power we can generate with ARC technology takes a much smaller footprint. 

I'm still not sure what I think about you hiring Steve's ex-girlfriend to work for you-- And she's now Clint's girlfriend? Are the Avengers always this incestuous? I looked through her CV, though, and she seems to be perfectly sane and competent, although her taste in art veers far too much into the pop realm for my liking. Much too cutesy-cute.

I'm a spoiled guest of honor around here, so I'm getting to teach seminars of seniors and grad students, and so far no one has asked me for my diet regime-- I'm preferring this to press conferences, but then again, I haven't had to grade a paper yet; I'm looking forward to it like a root canal. I'm also mentoring a small group of young women, which is delightful-- although I fear it may be turning into more of a kaffeeklatsch than a mentoring session. The girls were all talking about awful ex-boyfriends, and they very generously asked about you, and I told them all your dirtiest secrets, so don't be surprised by next month's tabloids. Word to the wise: apparently twenty-two-year-olds are the target market for giant custom rabbits.

As for JARVIS, I don't know what to tell you, Tony. I think the best comparison I can make is that if it had taken losing a few months of memories to rid me of the Extremis virus, I would have agreed to it. I know the system is corrupted, but can you ask him? He might be able to give you the answer yourself-- your computers have always outperformed your wildest dreams. 

But then I think, if you could snap me back to last summer-- would I want that? And I don't think I would. The world that JARVIS will have missed…we were still together last summer; you had just left for New York and I was still hopeful it was temporary, that we'd been flying back and forth on weekends, that it would work. You were calling me every night complaining about how unbearable Steve was; you were still calling him Captain Spoilsport. 

Have you asked Steve, actually? He's had the closest experience to that that I can think of-- the world flashing by over years and coming to it with his memories cut off at a certain date. How does he feel about it? 

And would you be all right with losing your records of all those memories?

I'm sorry you have to make a decision like that. It doesn't sound easy or fun. 

I am strictly avoiding teacher-student liaisons, thank you very much. Maybe when I come back to SI, you can get a teaching position and tell me what it's like. 

I would love to see DUM-E's drawing efforts-- is this, by any chance, Steve's influence? He's never seemed interested in drawing before. Daphne is doing very well; she has a sunny window to look out in my office (which is TINY compared to my office at SI), and she's extremely healthy and verdant. Please give DUM-E her regards. 

It's good to hear from you, Tony. I know you're not always the most inclined to correspondence, so thank you.

Take care of yourself,

Pepper


	339. Starter-kit

Ms. Quan,

I apologize for contacting you out of the blue, but I spoke with Tony earlier this week and he mentioned that he’d hired you on as a personal assistant. I realize that any advice from myself is unsolicited, so I’ll try to keep this in the realm of the professional.

Attached is a little starter-kit I worked up for the (twelve) days off I took in the six years I was Tony’s PA. It includes the basic paperwork you’ll need to log expenses for our accountants, including both SI and personal expense reports, maps of the offices, breakdowns of my discretionary spending, and passcodes for my office. I’m not sure if those will still work – JARVIS eventually took over the security in all my office spaces. It also contains copies of Tony’s medical records, social/passport/DL numbers, food/drink preferences, tax records, that kind of thing. A lot of that isn’t going to be needed on a regular basis, but you should know where it is. There are blank examples of daily schedules, by month. There’s a list of all Stark related properties so that you don’t book hotels in cities where we own space.

And since I’m treading in the exciting world of unsolicited advice, let me add one more thing.

Tony makes excuses. He makes a _lot_ of excuses. You should never forget that you’re in the presence of a mind so brilliant he invented cold, sustainable energy production in a dark cave in the middle of nowhere. He may act from time to time like he can’t tie his own shoelaces, but he remembers everything and makes every decision after considering all of the variables. He’ll try to fake you to test your mettle, he’ll threaten to fire or remove you, but don’t be afraid to tell him no. I think he secretly likes it.

 

Good luck,

Pepper Potts  
Visiting Professor, Wharton School of Business  
University of Pennsylvania  
CEO, Stark Industries


	340. Curious about elevators

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was souped up when our rating went from teen to mature, and borders on NSFW. 
> 
> You're welcome. :)

[LVL 26 / DESIGN DEPARTMENT MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: ROGERS.Steven.G]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[keyboard tapping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [singing] Gee, but it’s great to be together again...why does it only...shit. Ahhh…

[mouse clicking] 

[sigh] 

Hmm. 

[head on keyboard]

[computer beeping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, surely it isn’t as bad as all that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah! Ah.

[stool rolling] 

[footsteps] 

[rustling]

When did you-- What are-- Did you--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling] [laugh] Yeah, I did.

Are they too much? It’s okay if it’s too much. I can just...

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I don’t know. Do guys get flowers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They do when they date me. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You got me flowers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Little known fact about Tony Stark - I love giving flowers; I once gave Pepper a bouquet made out of fruit. And one of shoes. Not at the same time.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** When do I get a bouquet of root beer bottles? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You want root beer? I can do root beer. I know a guy.

[inaudible]

I … thought they might brighten up your desk. They’re chrysanthemums.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t keep them on my desk! People will see them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Tell them you have an ancient grandmotherly admirer or something. Or a 100% not your boss, age-appropriate socially acceptable girlfriend. 

[inaudible]

A snarky, brunette girlfriend who buys you seasonally inappropriate fourth of July flowers.

[inaudible]

I could wear heels, if it helps with the illusion?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Do girls buy gentlemen flowers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Woah there, Captain Patriarchy - of course they do. Pepper bought all my flowers -- well, technically they weren’t for me, but she was buying them on my behalf... 

Mostly though, girls just want to have fun. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I heard that song! Well. Clint did it at karaoke that one time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

[inaudible]

God, I missed you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Give me my flowers. I need to put them on my desk so I can brag tomorrow. 

[inaudible]

And gloat. And free up your other hand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Acceptable motives, all.

[rustling]

I like the tie. Ties are a good look on you.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You picked it out. 

[footsteps]

[glass on table] 

Come here, I can show you my desk. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- see it there, that’s definitely a desk, though it’s slightly hard to see over your head when you’re octopussing it up around me.

[inaudible]

I am starting to question your motives, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have no motives. 

[inaudible] 

You’re the one who showed up unannounced. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was a surprise. Becky said you’d be working late. [rustling]

It looks homey, here. I-- is that us? That’s an article about _us._ Taped to the wall of your desk. Oh my god, Steve. That’s just so -- 

[smooches]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So _what_? It’s an article about the _Avengers_ that happens to have a picture of us. I got it laminated so it won’t yellow. There’s a laminator! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course there’s a laminator. You’re -- adorable, you’re adorable. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

And you’re trespassing. You’re not supposed to be in my office. We agreed. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s eight pm. You should have been home hours ago -- and I checked the security feeds before I waltzed in, I knew no one else was home. [kiss] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You weren’t supposed to be back yet. 

[rustling]

Mmm. 

I thought I had the evening to myself; I was staying late to practice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss] Your dedication is truly remarkable. Earnest made a brilliant choice, offering you work spontaneously and without any suggestions from any other SI related staff you might happen to know. [laugh] [fabric tugging]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] No, I’m sure it was entirely of his own volition. _To-ony_... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You really want me to stop?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t _want_ ; I just...need to… 

[clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I want you to think of me sprawled on your desk every time you log into your work station [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you want me to get fired for inefficiency? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** As a company, Stark Industries is alright with inefficiency, provided it’s extremely sexy and observable via internal security cameras.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_...

I didn’t save my fi...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’ll_ save your file.

Hit control and S, grandpa. 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, really? Tell me more about your wise ways with the _things I learned my first week in your century_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll teach you a thing or two, smartass. 

[silk sliding]

[stool creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Tony? 

Tony, what are you…

[fumbling]

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shhh. Let me. I missed you.

[unbuttoning]

[fumbling]

Too many buttons.

[wet kisses]

[knees hitting floor]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [deep breath]

I...can’t see. You-- we’re in my office. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We are. [licking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [moan] 

[breath] 

_Tony_. We shouldn’t...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groan] 

We absolutely should. You look fucking phenomenal in a blindfold -- your hair sticking up along the edges, god. I missed every inch of you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Oh, god. I’m going to let you do this, aren’t I? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [scrape of teeth]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I… 

[groan] 

Just...we can’t make a mess. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmhmmhmhm, or what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Or...ah. I can’t explain a broken stool, all right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hold onto me, then. I love your hands in my hair.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] I love your...mmm...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [mouthy kisses]

I thought about this every night. Every day, too, really. Every hour, you’re always on my brain. The way you feel, the sounds you make, the way you taste...

[unzipping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Y--you thought about _this_? You...planned this, didn’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’d answer, but it’s rude to talk with your mouth full. 

[rustling]

[wet sounds]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [heavy breathing] 

You-- 

[breath] 

lied about your flight, didn’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m sure.

[smooching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [growl] Goddammit, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [wet sounds]

[lips smacking]

You’re really gonna complain about that _now?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** N-n-no. God, no. God, just…

[stool rattling] 

[hand against desk]

[papers falling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t make a mess, baby. [muffled laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] 

[heavy breathing]

Y-you’re cleaning it up. Baby. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [muffled moaning]

Yes, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

[stool rattling] 

Tony. Tony, I… _really_ don’t want to break any furniture on my fourth day here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [wet sounds]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] Oh...god…

[stool rattling] 

_Tony_ …

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, you-- ooh--- _ACHOO!_

[spluttering]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ngh...bless-- Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [cough, sneeze]

[laughter]

Fuck...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you…

[breath] 

Are you okay? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think I… maybe allergic to your flowers, Steve. 

I’m -- [sniff] -- good. I’m good. I got this. [rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Damn right you’re good. 

[shifting] 

Up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, I wasn’t done with that!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not done either. We’re changing venue. 

[silk sliding] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [licking lips] Spoilsport.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Excuse me? I’m not the one who bought flowers _I’m allergic to_. 

[inaudible] 

[fabric rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Elevator. _Now._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Funny, I was about to suggest the same thing. Come here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting, groaning] [footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

[soft thud]

[button click] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groan] Steve, Steve, Steve -- 

[rustling] [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [unbuttoning] 

There is a steep imbalance in the number of clothes we’re each wearing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [deep chuckles] Don’t leave anything behind. That’d be tough to explain on day five.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [fabric rustling] Right here. Although I’d like to see you explain _your_ stray clothes in my office. 

[belt unbuckling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, in my younger years that wouldn’t have been -- haa, ah -- entirely… entirely… 

[inaudible]

...words, other words…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

[unzipping] 

Oh? Tell me more about that, please.

[elevator ding]

[elevator doors open]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] Don’t move, don’t you fucking move your --

[groan] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

You think I’m going to leave you stranded?

[hefting] 

[inaudible] 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Hit the fucking button, Steve, I mean to finish what I started.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I expect you to. 

[button click] 

[elevator motor shuts down]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you just -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Hit the brake? Of course. Your elevator is too fast to get anything done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, god. You’re -- where is the innocent, blushing Steve Rogers I met way back when? 

[inaudible]

Who are you, and what have you done with my Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Are you trying to complain your way out of sex? Because that’s what that sounds like. 

[rustling] 

Innocent, blushing Steve Rogers is curious about elevators. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I _have_ been curious about that whole massive-upper-body-strength--

[laugh] Oh, god. You’re dangerous. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I learned from the best. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling]

Ah, yeah, just -- 

[muffled groans]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like this? 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [mumbling, wet kisses]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You need to re-tie my blindfold. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] I knew you’d like it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] God, yes. Hurry up. Eventually the elevator’ll come back on. 

{{END SURVEILLANCE. TRANSMITTING}}

{{TRANSMISSION SENT}}


	341. Don't let the hero schtick fool you

Ray-Ray--

Hey, babycakes. Sorry I haven't been in touch since lunch, but it was hard to get word out. We're safe for now. You've got two hours to respond to this message before we go dark. 

Surveillance is all live and routed correctly at both the house and the Tower. The sequence to disable it is on your drive if you need it, plus anything you might need for leverage. The files are labeled so you should know which one you need.

Just--be careful, okay? Don't let the hero schtick fool you. The Avengers are dangerous. Every single one of them has killed a lot of people, and they won't hesitate to kill you if they think they have to. And that includes Captain Crushworthy, as harmless as he might seem. The difference between them and some other people is that they can be convinced not to if they think you're worth something. Be smart and be careful, and don't act like running is beneath you if you've gotta. 

We're looking into the Roxxon stuff for you. I'll let you know when we have details.

If you have to run, get word to me. We'll get you out. You're doing a great job. You've already done so much. We'll do whatever we can for you. S. sends love.

Love ya, Honey. Be safe.

\--T


	342. Cute boys go at the top of that list

T-

Thanks for the message. I was getting worried. 

I know for sure that the boss lady was meeting with somebody at Roxxon, but I don't know what for. I guess they were depending on the bad press after New Year's, but Captain Sassy seems to have gotten the media to do a 180 on that. So it's back to the drawing board.

Tee, you know I learned not to trust anybody after Brock, and cute boys go at the top of that list. I think both C and S would insist on asking questions before they shoot, but the problem with S is I think he actually believes half that bullshit he says he believes. He's like a whole steaming pile of straight white male hero complex. I usually just tune him out and watch those pretty, pretty lips move. It's too bad those lips are currently occupied sucking billionaire cock and I don't think they're going to be pried off anytime soon.

Look, I think I can get the controller, though, if you can confirm I'm looking for the right item. It's going to take me a few weeks, but I think I can get in ahead of anyone else. I've just got to wait til I know for sure no one's at the mansion. Should be a quick in & out.

Don't worry. I've got this. So far whatever you guys did to clear my background seems to be holding. No one is going to figure me out. 

Talk soon. Say hey to S.

-R


	343. Some weird language

Hey, Steve-o!

So I found some weird papers stuffed in the back of one of the paintings. I think they must belong to either Tony's mom or dad. I stuck them on the desk in the study so you can decide what to do with them. I tried not to read them, but half of it's in some weird language, anyway. There's, like, some creepy picture of a hat. I don't know.

Moose is walked @4pm and fed. He lost his red ball, though. I looked for it, and I can't figure out where it went. Sorry! 

I'll be by around ten tomorrow. The key keeps sticking, so I hope I locked up properly. Thanks for the leftover meatloaf! 

\--Ray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yesterday, we acidentally posted an old draft of the scene instead of the most recent one. There are no significant changes, but if you'd like to reread it, [the link is here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2488153)


	344. Crispy Roasted Duckling

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 80 SPRING STREET NEW YORK, NY, 10012]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[chair scraping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here you are, my dear.

 **WAITSTAFF:** May I take your coat, sir?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course. 

[chairs scraping]

_Darling._

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Mmm, I missed you. How was Ireland? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Cold, wet, rainy - it’s not that green in January, either. How could anyone enjoy a country that dreary without the company of his favorite blonde?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [laugh] Well, you know how much I like green.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** You’re right; that sounds just terrible; my poor, poor baby. Someone had better make it up to you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, don’t worry. I’ve no doubt things will go my way, tonight.

Your hands … mm. Is that the Jurlique I bought you?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I wore it just for you. It smells incredible. 

**WAITSTAFF:** Good evening, Mr. Stark. It’s a pleasure to see you back at Balthazar. Would you like to see the wine list this evening?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What would you like to drink, my dove? A little taste of home, perhaps?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** You just want me for my wine, don’t you? I know you mostly do French, but do you have a Chiavennasca?

 **WAITSTAFF:** For you, anything. Please, take your time with the menu, and … ah -- here we are -- our chef has insisted that you try a sampling of our appetizers. The escargot, a goat cheese tart, the butternut squash and Ricotta Agnolotti… with our compliments, of course.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re too kind. We’ll do the Chiavennasca with dinner, but let’s have a white with the oysters, darling -- and we’ll have the chassagne-montrachet to start.

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t you love how when you’re rich enough everything is free?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** When you’re rich enough, or when you tip enough? I would bet you someone with twice your money who treats waitstaff poorly doesn’t get…

[metal scraping shell, chewing]

Oh, god, these are divine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You’re_ divine, my darling Ana. Why don’t we do this more often? 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Shall we get the raw bar? You know what they say about oysters. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What exactly are you insinuating?

[footsteps]

 **WAITSTAFF:** Sir, your wine.

[cork popping, splashing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mm, a lovely year for a lovely woman.

[pouring]

 **WAITSTAFF:** As you say, Mr. Stark.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Oh, he does go on. You do go on, Tony. Mmm. Delicious. Never mention the lovely _man_. 

**WAITSTAFF:** I’ll defer to your judgement there, Miss.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We’ll do the raw bar tonight - and another order of escargot, please.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Tony, you’re spoiling me. I’m going to blow up like a balloon. A snail balloon. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll s _nail_ you anyway, baby. More to love, my crispy roasted duckling. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [laugh] They do have duck confit on the menu, dear.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah, but I’m saving _you_ for dessert. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** You’re too sweet. Garçon, après les huîtres, nous voulons le côte de boeuf pour deux, et peut-être un, ah, petit plat con le chou frisé, merci. 

**WAITSTAFF:** Oui, Mademoiselle, et le bistec? 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** À point, s’il vous plaît. 

**WAITSTAFF:** Très bon.

[footsteps]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Before we get into whatever it was you wanted to speak to me about, I bought you a little something.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** And with you, it’s never little, is it?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Naturally. [tapping, sliding] For you, my little clam.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Oh my. Tony. You…you shouldn’t have. You...really shouldn’t have. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Irish gold - low carat, but gorgeous, faintly red… it reminds me of the shimmer of your hair in the firelight, my delicate little dragonfly.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [deep breath] It’s lovely. For the gala? It matches my dress. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Exactly. And yes, it does.... you needed something sparkly and distracting tomorrow night, to remind the world how I think of you. Consider it a thank you for the last few weeks we’ve spent together.

Ana? If you don’t like it I’ll have it sent back.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** No, no, it’s…

[tapping] 

[click]

[white noise]

Noise canceling is on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We all good? You looked -- actually, you look totally normal, it seems like you’re.... Do I have something in my teeth?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I miss Bruce. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle] I guarantee he doesn’t miss you. He’s probably piled up with Steve and Clint with a whole veggie pizza all to himself.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** This isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about. I can...I’ve done this before, so many times. But he can’t do these things for me, and I know he wants to. So I miss him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m … sorry, I don’t mean to step on toes. It’s just the kind of obnoxious thing I do when showing off a new girlfriend... 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I know that. You didn’t do anything wrong, Stark. You’re handling this perfectly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I called you a _crispy little duckling_ , Nat. _Perfect?_

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [laugh] 

Yes, that was perfect. Believe me, Bruce barely likes to eat meat; he’s not going to miss out on calling me a duckling. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, Steve loves meat, so maybe he should be -- no, he’s more like a giant tasty Christmas goose, juicy and dripping.

Is it weird that I find that kind of hot? 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Yes, incredibly weird, but we’ve always known you have an oral fixation. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Guilty as charged, Ms. Freud. I could watch Steve eat for hours - he enjoys the hell out of everything, scrunches his brow and just goes for it, it’s almost like....

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [cough] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah... nevermind. You had something you wanted to talk to me about… was it Bruce?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** No. Clint. I need you to get Clint a job offer. He wants out.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[choking]

 _What?!_

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** It’s a stop-gap. Fury wants to re-assign him. So he wants out. For now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s -- you’ve got to be kidding me, after all the time he’s put into gelling us as a team? Why? He may be an irredeemable ass, but he’s our irredeemable ass. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** How much action would you put behind that statement, Stark? If you threatened to leave, and Fury called your bluff? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pause, chewing] That would honestly depend.

[silence] I don’t think he could call my bluff. I bankroll too much of this venture for him to risk me walking. Plus, the armor’s a pretty high-profile piece of the team at this point, PR wise it would be a nightmare.

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Never mind your R &D. What percentage are you bankrolling, exactly?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. We talking cash or assets? Cash-wise, probably 30%. Assets-wise, an additional 10% - access to mainframes, Starktech, the living expenses and press teams… Yeah. A little over 40%, I’d guess.

What the fuck did Barton do?

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** He didn’t do anything. I did. Fury threatened to re-assign Clint if I didn’t fall in line. He knew none of you would stay if he reassigned me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s about Bruce.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Fury is _saying_ it’s about Bruce. I know you don’t have a Clint, but what would you do if Fury told you to break things off with Steve?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Give him the finger and tell him where to stuff his shiny bald head. Obviously.

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Yes, but you represent forty percent of his budget. You’re an asset. I’m an expenditure. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury knows you better than that, Natasha. I have no idea what your security clearance is, but I know it’s higher than mine -- you don’t get that kind of access when you’re an expenditure.

[silence]

Does Barton know?

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I’m speaking from a purely financial perspective. If we weren’t talking money, I’d be more valuable than you. Does Clint know what? He knows about my conversation with Fury. He doesn’t know what I’m talking to you about right now.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I mean, did he know about Fury’s moves. I’d be pissed as hell.

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I tell Clint everything. Fury was banking on that. Which is why I don’t think this is really about Bruce.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s rarely that straightforward when it comes to SHIELD. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Of course not. But I would be dead if Fury hadn’t trusted Clint’s judgment when it came to me. So I want to trust his call.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury’s not heading this operation, you know that. We know his bosses aren’t afraid to hit heavy. The order could come from higher up.

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** The order’s not coming from higher up. Fury would _never_ disclose anything about my personal life. But I suspect something might be going on higher up.

[silence]

Bruce doesn’t want to be on this team in the first place. Steve barely trusts them after New York, and there are probably a dozen things he could find out at any time that would put us right back at square one. I know you want to be here, now. I do, too, but if we lose Clint...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I know what you mean - it’s a delicate balance at best. Barton and I aren’t besties, but he’s the kind of person who puts personal shit behind him when he’s working… this team needs people like that.

So do you want me to throw some weight around and keep him onboard, or find him something else?

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I think he’d be better off somewhere he can’t be used as a pawn. He’s a SHIELD agent first, an Avenger second, same as me. He’s got to do what they tell them. [silence] 

But I called it a stop-gap for a reason. I put too much work into building this team to let it dissolve.

You know what I’m going to suggest next, yes?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. [chewing] Yeah -- you want to privatize the whole shebang, cut Fury and his backers out of the scenario.

To be honest, I’ve considered it myself… considering how much cash I sink into this operation, I find the lack of transparency problematic. There’s -- a lot that could go wrong, though. Timing is critical, particularly in relation to the public perception of the move... 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Not necessarily cut Fury out entirely...SHIELD has resources we’re going to need access to; there’s no way we’d ever be able to compete with their intelligence network. And there’s a level of protection as a contractor to the government. But I want to be on the outside, making our own decisions about our organization. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you really think Fury would provide that kind of access? We could steal it, but that wouldn’t exactly…

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Stark. Since I came to SHIELD, I’ve had plans, contingencies for disappearing if I had to. Because that would have been the only way out. Last year, they disclosed the plans for an entire weapons program to a twenty-six year old because it was the only way to keep him on board. We’re in a unique position. They need us more than we need them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You mean the phase two bullshit? I didn’t realize Steve continued to pursue it after New York…

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** He made his role on the team contingent upon it. They went back and forth for months.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** While I was in Malibu.

I wish I’d been more accessible then. I wasn’t… in the best state of mind.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** None of us were, Stark.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] Yeah.

Well. It’s something worth pursuing. I can’t imagine Steve would choose SHIELD over the team, now that we’re functioning so well together.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** If it comes to that, I can guarantee he wouldn’t.

Bruce is more loyal to me and you than he is to SHIELD. Clint...as of this moment, there wouldn’t be a question. Thor is the only uncertainty, but he has no allegiance to SHIELD. I was hoping you were going to say your contribution was closer to sixty or seventy...forty is hard to work with…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Forty includes a lot of of helicarrier related tech, though - and orders directly from Fury and co. If I were running shit -- well, I don’t mean running shit, but designing from the bottom up -- you’d have a much more efficient scenario.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** The way I see it, you’d probably have to run things on the business end. I’d run operations. Clint would help. Steve would be field commander. I would want Bruce relegated to research-only unless he volunteered. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If we pursue this, I want a sit-down meeting and roles assigned. I’m a businessman, and you’re asking for me to sink my personal fortune - and reputation - into an operation that carries tremendous risk. I can function as CEO, but I’m going to need the ability to veto operational choices in some situations. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I’m asking all six of us to sink everything. I know that. We don’t make any major decisions without approval from both of us. And we’ll see where the others stand. How’s that? We can sit down and hash it out; Steve’s going to be flabbergasted that you’re actually _asking_ for a meeting.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The difference between me sinking and someone like Barton or Steve sinking is that those two barely own ten sets of shoes between them. I’m worth 70 billion. The potential risk isn’t proportionate. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** They still worked their fucking asses off for those shoes, Stark. It’s still everything they have.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not diminishing their contribution to what we do, or assigning a value to them beyond the purely financial. I need you to really realize that if another alien attack levels New York City, they’re not gonna come knocking on Hawkeye’s door for damages. And with Bruce around, $70 billion may not cut the mustard. Three generations of Starks built SI, thousands of jobs depend on its solvency, and I’m not going to jeopardize that without the guarantees I need. I’m not asking for sole control here. I don’t _want_ operational control, I’d be terrible in that capacity. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Then we separate the organizations. You’re already getting dinged for damages you shouldn’t have to pay; if the Avengers were our own separate party, we’d already be well on the way to offering you protection you should have in the first place. Nothing comes out of SI or your personal account, ever.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a simple matter; and I’m not talking expenditures here. I have a controlling interest in SI, and that’s a personal asset. I will never give that up. If lawsuits are leveled - anything from negligence to physical damage - it’s going to take some ironclad legal work to protect me… us, really. But mostly me.

I’ll structure the whole damn operation to do that if I have to.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I wouldn’t expect you not to. But I’m trying to get us away from SHIELD _precisely_ so that no one person’s decisions can affect the rest of the team. I trust you, but that’s a liability to our personal safety, considering our line of work.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not pursuing this to be an ass - I just want you to realize that if we pursue this partnership - and I am willing to consider it a partnership - I’ll require that you cede me enough control to make my investment secure. It’s not something we can solve tonight; this is all a long way away, anyway. But I’m not going to enter something like this as a sole investor without that assurance. 

I hope you realize that you’ll have me in a position of power, with all of my quirks and deficiencies and daddy issues. You’re intimately familiar with them, you understand what I mean.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** You’re not the only one of us with daddy issues, Stark. Or do you want to make the claim that your daddy issues out-daddy-issue everyone else’s daddy issues, too? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Have you _met_ my daddy issues? 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Have you met Clint’s or Bruce’s? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ouch. Come on, don’t bring up all your other men at the dinner table, we’re on a very romantic date here. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I’m just saying, I think Steve and I are the only ones without daddy issues, and that’s because we didn’t know our fathers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m going to have to develop some new problems. I can’t handle this kind of competition, _Ana._

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [smooch] Please, no more problems. You’re already not-recommended. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And here I gave such a lovely, shiny gift.

I’ll be frank, Nat, right now I’m not rolling in my usual liquid assets. The house in Malibu is being rebuilt, there’s the huge chunk of change I threw down on New York’s rebuilding, the tower and the mansion house are both under renovation…

I’ve got a dozen venture capital schemes running at least, plus the amount tied in the markets. SI is doing well, but until I decide how to manufacture some of what I’m working on in a satisfactory way… I barely make money off SI. Most of my personal funds come from patents, many of which SI doesn’t produce.

[silence]

Now, naturally, that may change when my brilliant StarkPet luxury dog kennels hit the market in April…

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Oh, well, then, why aren’t we just waiting for April? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re the one with ants in your pants, duckling.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** No ants. I wanted to float the idea now. I wasn’t expecting an immediate response. That’s why I want to find a way out for Clint now. We can bring him back in later, if we’re prepared. What kind of ETA are we looking at? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chewing] It depends on what kind of legal red tape SHIELD puts us through. [silence]

What do you think about upping the manufacturing and marketing? I’m thinking that if public support is required, we could go whole-hog -- 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Underwear? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Absolutely. That’s critical. We need some Cap panties out in the world stat.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** And sheets, I assume. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** More than that. Last year Disney poured a ton of money into some fucking comic book company…Not much going on there, but they did the old Captain America comics and keep trying to make it up to Steve. If we were making money off licensing and pouring it into a legal defense fund for costumed heroes? It could work.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I think that’s brilliant. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, isn’t that obvious? I came up with it. And considering I already hold trademark on a few Avengers related terms, buying up the rest wouldn’t be a stretch.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Oh? Which ones?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Armored Avenger, Avengers, Avenget -- two spellings of that, I couldn’t decide if I liked it with a j or a g -- Black Widow, Hawkeye, Hawkguy, Iron Man, Iron Master -- almost went with that back in the day -- The Incredible Hulk, The Mighty Thor. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, Earth’s Ultimate Heroes, Ultimate Avengers, Young Avengers, Secret Avengers -- 

And Captain America, of course. My old man left that one to me.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Does Steve know your father owned him?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I’m not really sure. That contract’s a weird one.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Well, considering you have me on a 60/40 split for the merchandise...you _haven’t been paying your boyfriend_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t say it like that, he’s already weird about working for SI. [groan]

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I know how he is about money. I don’t know; I’d be inclined to tell him he can have it if he goes back to school.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, that'd be a solid idea. His shit’s handled completely separate from the other team-related copyrights because the accounts are so old, so...

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Have someone in licensing send him a notice. Don’t have it come from you. He’ll still think you’re making it up, but you can show him the books.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe. I’ll have my guys look into it.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** If you need to go behind his back, he gave me power of attorney. I’m not technically supposed to use it that way, but he’s had me deal with some of the other legal paperwork he had to take care of last year.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I hope it doesn’t come to that; I won’t really know until I look harder at what dad did with the accounts. But whatever happens, we’ll act together. figure out the best way to do this without hurting him.

[footsteps]

 **WAITSTAFF:** Steak for two, along with the Chiavennasca. May I? 

[plates clinking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please.

[wine pouring, footstep]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, cutlery scraping]

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** I hardly think bureaucratic red tape is going to hurt him. I’m not a businessperson, Stark. Do what you think is best. Let me know if you need help.

[cutlery scraping]

So, I thought we could share one of the steaks, and then take the other steak to Steve, and most of the kale to Bruce. I feel like they deserve some kind of gratitude for supporting this. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, Steve will love that. You know he’s such a meathead, sometimes. 

I’m trying to steer him away from well done _anything_ , but that fucking Great Depression mentality means he wants to cook everything for a thousand hours...

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Oh, believe me, that’s the Russian mentality, too. I wouldn’t worry; he’ll eat anything you put in front of him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not always a good thing. I’m just saying, it’s a whole new world, Nat. I want him on my magic carpet made of ahi tuna and steak tartare. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** That sounds perfectly divine. Do you know how old I was before I had something that wasn’t gruel or potatoes? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Too old. Can I feed you a bite? That lady in red is watching.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Ha. Of course you may. Here, how do you feel about footsie as a full-contact sport? Ah…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [muttering] Here comes the _airplane…_

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [giggle] Fuck you, Stark, I almost choked. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s what she said.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** [snort] She? Shouldn’t it be ‘he’ now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t you worry, cupcake, I am a firm believer in equal opportunity.

[cutlery]

I’ll see what I can do for Barton. 

**ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Thanks, Stark. If you can find something in New York, I’d appreciate it. As a personal favor, and for Becky...but I think he’ll be grateful for anything you can do.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I figured. Leave it with me, we’ll see what happens.

 **ROMANOVA, Natalia:** Good. Feed me another bite. For our audience.

{END SURVEILLANCE: TRANSMITTING}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: If you want to discuss TWS-related spoilers, you can [do that here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1409800/chapters/2958217).


	345. Lit up with rage

C--

I think I'll be relegating any communication concerning SHIELD to paper for the time being. Stark should be getting in touch with you. I just wanted you to know that when I explained the situation, he lit up with rage.

You're not as alone here as you might have thought. He'll still get you out if you want out, but I think you have the team's full support. 

\--N


	346. Say something charming

B--

These are the things I wanted to articulate last night when I was asleep on my feet: Stark and I ended up having a very important conversation about the future of the Avengers, and I'll fill you in on the details over lunch. Of course, I'm requesting that everyone confine these matters to paper and not transmit them digitally, for obvious reasons. I'm being reinstated today thanks to your work on the neurotoxin screener; they're satisfied it's passed through and I'm not at risk anymore. I'm being limited to support until my ankle's fully healed, but It's a relief to be headed back to work in any capacity (and it does mean I'll be home most evenings). Fury wasn't thrilled about the whole Stark's-girlfriend charade, but he finally acquiesced to the idea that it will let me easily shadow Stark while we're still trying to figure out exactly what the Tower intruders wanted from him.

I can't tell you how many times in my life I've posed as a date, a wife, a girlfriend for a mission-- I went so far as to _actually_ get married for my work back in Russia-- and it's an easy role to slip into: flirt, let a man dote on me, drink a glass of wine, smile, say something charming. They usually end up thinking it's real, no matter how many times I tell then it's not. At least with Stark, I don't have to worry about that. And yet...

There wasn't a minute last night that I didn't think about how much I would have preferred curling up in the cottage with you, lighting a fire, reading with my head in your lap and your fingers in my hair, watching you squint incredulously over your book, pausing when you laughed to listen to you repeat a passage aloud. 

He gave me this ridiculous necklace; it's a work of art, it shouldn't be worn by a person. But I'll be wearing it to the gala tonight. My dress is gorgeous: red, fitted like a second skin, fastened with a dozen little hooks up the back. 

I'll wake you when I get in so you can unfasten them all. 

There's more I want to say, but I'll wait until I can whisper it in your ear. 

\--N


	347. Part of the problem

Pep – 

The thing about JARVIS is, I don’t know if I can ask. I don’t know if I should. I keep thinking – and maybe this is my own issues speaking, we both know I’m shit at keeping my baggage out of people’s business -- but I keep wondering if this is his Afghanistan. 

My life before and after that little sojourn is almost unrecognizable. I may not have been a good person before they dragged me into that cave, but I was happy. I was secure in my place in the world, with no real idea what pain or loss or suffering was - like, that sounds super dramatic, but when they say ignorance is bliss they really fucking mean it. You say you'd have taken three months of lost memories if it meant being free of Extremis - but you’re more than structured code and information. You have a place in the world, a family, a job, and if your memories were to up and walk away tomorrow, you'd still be Pepper Potts, world's sexiest CEO-turned-professor. There’s some part of you that’s fundamentally you.

You also ended up completely expunged of the stuff – I'm not talking emotional scarring here, I'm not trying to diminish the effects I know you're still dealing with - but I came out with a gaping chest wound stuffed with medical implants and a side of chronic pain. I’m not sure I can bring JARVIS out without that kind of permanent damage to whatever part of his code makes up his psyche.

This would be easier if I still believed he was just a program. He's not a person, but he's not some string of ones and zeroes, either. He's greater than the sum of his parts, and for all that I wrote the program I have no idea at what point he ceased being more than just a compilation of data and became a consciousness - I don't think that's just wishful thinking on my part, after years of dreaming of creating a genuine AI. He's an independent entity. I _know_ it. 

So what if this is JARVIS’ Afghanistan? If you’d asked me then – or now – if I could go back in time and change what happened to me, I honestly don’t know what I would say. As much as I love being Iron Man, those three months were long, hellish nightmare. Being helpless, made to perform for the people around me – the things they did to me for information, once they realized who I was – I don’t think I could volunteer for that, even knowing how good things are on the other side. 

(does that sound awful? It’s stupid, because no one can change what’s happened to them. But I keep thinking – it’s almost cruel to do this to him, to go in every day and tamper with code, bringing him up and shutting him down, forcing him to shift through shattered memory banks. What if I’m part of the problem? What if this is the defining moment than changes who or what he is, and I'm fucking it up? Or worse, what if this is his defining moment and I'm trying to do it for him, when he should be working through it on his own? 

I don’t know. Sorry. I had a weird fucking dinner with Legal tonight, there's all this shit with SHIELD going on ... It sure would be fucking nice to live in a world where nobody had to be second guessed, even yourself. 

I miss him. You have no idea how enormously empty my space feels without his sarcastic observations and pings. Before, even when the garage was empty it felt full.

I miss you, too. Give Daphne a smooch for me.

T


	348. Leaving us tributes?

Ray--

Thanks for holding down the fort. Thor and Jane and Darcy and Clint are all in the house, so you won't be alone; I think they were planning on ordering pizza and watching a movie or something. 

If you can go through the liquor cabinet and just dump any bottles that are a) mostly empty and b) don't show up as being worth, say, more than a hundred bucks in a quick search, that would be great-- I know Tony wants to update the selection. I know that doesn't sound like much, but believe me, you haven't seen the inside of the liquor cabinet. 

I'll feed Moose, but please take him for a walk around 8. I've left you macaroni and cheese in the fridge. Oh, and the wifi password is B1t3M3Cl1ntB4rt0n if you bring you laptop over. 

Just a warning: Knut The Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinsson has been leaving us tributes? I guess Thor calls them tributes. These tributes are in the form of decapitated mice. Thor says it means she likes you, and that we're supposed to thank her for her vigilance and reward her with scratches behind the ears. I just do what the God of Thunder says.

We'll be back pretty late. If you need to get home, that's fine. Just remember to lock up. 

\--Steve


	349. Blonde hair, blue eyes, well built and polite to a fault

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: trololololo

Steve, you've clearly hit the big time - PATERNITY RUMORS, HOOOO.

i mean they seriously think America's golden boy was banging USO chicks left an right? not that i'd blame you, their legs look hella hot in those tiny skirts. don't worry, steve, we all know you sat around learning how to french braid and paint nails. Your honor is intact.

clint

**Captain America’s Baby Grandmama Drama**  
 _January 17, 2014_  
Filed Under: Baby drama, naughty naughty, hot grandpa, avengers, Captain America

 

The New Year brings a new scandal for the AVENGER and former Army Captain Steven G. Rogers, better known as – that’s right – CAPTAIN AMERICA. Just this morning an interview went live on TMZ.COM with a woman by the name of Catherine O'Neill, 38-year-old granddaughter of a former USO performer by the name of Madeleine Joyce. 

“My Grandma Maddy was a gorgeous woman,” Catherine tells us. “She performed with Captain Rogers throughout his USO tour, and they were very, very close. She was extremely talented and even won a featured role in the show as 'Miss America.' My father was born out of wedlock, and passed away two years ago, just before the battle of New York. He was an enlisted man, just like his father. I think he'd want the kids to know him.”

Catherine lives in Olean, New York, with her husband and two children of her own – 8 and 3 respectively. Catherine is a waitress at the Beef n' Barrel restaurant, where she has worked for twenty years, and her husband, Timothy, is on the custodial staff of Roxxon-Niagara.

“My father, Steven, never talked about his dad, but I know it must have been tough growing up as an illegitimate child in the 40's and 50’s. I never gave it much thought until I came across a collection of photos from the dressing rooms of the USO tour, and then everything fell into place.”

Showing the photos during a video clip, Catherine said,"Here's a picture of Steve Rogers with his arm around my Grandma. I've had it framed for years, but I thought it must be a dime-a-dozen, probably all the USO performers got their picture taken with Captain America. But then I found this one, of the two of them on the boardwalk in New Jersey...see how she's wearing his jacket? And he's carrying her heels. They seemed a lot closer there than I'd realized." 

“I just want these kids to know their great-grandfather – he’s an American icon! He wasn’t there for my dad, but he could be there for them. If Captain America is everything people say they is, he won’t hesitate to reach out.”

Catherine and her two children definitely fit the Captain America super soldier stereotype – blonde hair, blue eyes, well built and polite to a fault. When contacted, S.H.I.E.L.D. PR and a representative of the Avengers Initiative declined to comment on Cap’s personal life OR rumors that the suit was to be filed this afternoon.

The jury is out on whether or not a court of law can order someone to pay child support for their great-great-grandchildren… such a revolutionary new precedent could come in handy when the next frozen WWII soldier is thawed and set loose on the world!


	350. All This Paperwork

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20) subject:  
RE:trololololo

I'd appreciate it if you didn't joke about this, at least until I manage to read through all this paperwork I just received. It says I'm supposed to have a blood test, and I don't know how SHIELD is going to feel about that.


	351. In the Matter of  a Proceeding under Article 5 of the Family Court Act

T--

I'm trying to look over all these papers, and if I can't keep track of them, I don't know how they expect someone with a normal attention span to do it. You've dealt with this sort of thing before, haven't you? I know it's in your file. Do you mind looking it over? Do you have time to look it over? I know you're absurdly busy; I'm sorry if this is asking too much. I already narrowed down the pages to the ones that look most important. 

I am never going to claim to enjoy paperwork again. 

You know I wasn't sure about coming to that party tonight-- I'll definitely make it. I need to get out of the house and stop staring at this stuff. I'm going cross-eyed. 

\--S

 

* * *

 

F.C.A. § 524, 531-a, Art 5-B                                                       Form 5-1-a     

(To Be Used for Service                                                                                      (Summons - Paternity)

Within New York State)                                                                                      (Service Within NYS)

                                                                                                                                      1/16/2014

FAMILY COURT OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK

COUNTY OF CATTARAUGUS

......................................................................................

In the Matter of  a Proceeding under                                                  

Article 5 of the Family Court Act                                                                                                                  

on behalf of              

                                                                                                                     SUMMONS-PATERNITY

Catherine O’Neill Petitioner,                                                                               (Service Within NYS) 

                        -against-

Steven G. Rogers Respondent,                 

.......................................................................................

NOTICE:        YOUR FAILURE TO APPEAR SHALL RESULT IN AN ENTRY OF AN  ORDER OF FILIATION ON DEFAULT UPON PROOF THAT YOU RECEIVED ACTUAL NOTICE OF THE COMMENCEMENT OF THIS PROCEEDING.  YOUR FAILURE TO APPEAR MAY ALSO RESULT IN A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST AND SUSPENSION OF YOUR DRIVING  PRIVILEGES; STATE-ISSUED PROFESSIONAL, OCCUPATIONAL AND BUSINESS LICENSES; AND RECREATIONAL AND SPORTING LICENSES AND PERMITS.[1]                      

 IN THE NAME OF THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF NEW YORK TO THE ABOVE-NAMED RESPONDENTSteven G. Rogers, who resides or is found at: 1796 Broadway, Suite 1776 New York, NY 10019

            A Petition under Article 5 of the Family Court Act having been filed with this Court and annexed hereto

            YOU ARE HEREBY SUMMONED to appear before this court at   1 Leo Moss Dr # 1140, Olean, New York, on Monday , February 17, at 11 o'clock in the morning of that day to show cause why the declaration of paternity, order of filiation, order of support and other and further relief requested in  the petition should not be made.

Dated:January 16, 2014.                                                                                 

NOTICE: Family Court Act §154(c) provides that support, paternity, custody, family offense and child abuse and neglect petitions, in which an order of protection is sought or in which a violation of an order of protection is alleged, may be served outside the State of New York upon a Respondent who is not a resident or domiciliary of the State of New York.  In such instance, the exercise of personal jurisdiction over the Respondent is limited to the issue of the request for, or alleged violation of, the order of protection, unless the _Uniform Interstate Family Support Act_ or Family Court Act §154(b) provides other grounds for the exercise of personal jurisdiction over the Respondent. Where the Respondent has been served with this summons and petition and does not appear, the Family Court may proceed to a hearing with respect to issuance or enforcement of the order of protection.

                                                  **FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE NOTICE  
**

IF THE COURT ENTERS AN ORDER OF PATERNITY (ORDER OF FILIATION), THE COURT WILL IMMEDIATELY PROCEED TO ENTER AN ORDER OF SUPPORT.  IN THE SUPPORT PROCEEDING, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO PROVIDE THE COURT WITH A CURRENT AND REPRESENTATIVE  PAYCHECK STUB AND MOST RECENTLY FILED STATE AND FEDERAL INCOME TAX RETURNS, INCLUDING A COPY OF THE W-2 WAGE AND TAX STATEMENT(S) SUBMITTED WITH THE RETURN.  YOU MAY BE REQUIRED TO FURNISH PAST INCOME TAX RETURNS; EMPLOYER STATEMENTS; PAY STUBS; CORPORATE, BUSINESS OR PARTNERSHIP BOOKS AND RECORDS; CORPORATE AND BUSINESS TAX RETURNS; AND RECEIPTS FOR EXPENSES OR SUCH OTHER MEASURES OF VERIFICATION AS THE COURT DETERMINES APPROPRIATE.  IF YOU WILL BE CONSENTING TO ENTRY OF THE DECLARATION OF PATERNITY REQUESTED IN THE PETITION ON THE RETURN DATE OF THIS SUMMONS YOU SHOULD BRING THE ABOVE   DOCUMENTS WITH YOU TO COURT ON THAT DAY. 

* * *

[1]Pursuant to Section 531-a of the Family Court Act, you may qualify to testify by telephone, audio-visual means or other electronic means if you reside in a county in New York State not contiguous to the Family Court in which the matter will be heard, if you are incarcerated and do not expect to be released within a reasonable period of time after the scheduled date or if you will suffer an undue hardship by appearing in court. The five counties of New York City are treated as one county for purposes of this section. If you wish to request permission, you must submit Form 4-24/5-16/UIFSA-10, which you may obtain from Family Court or on the internet at www.courts.state.ny.us.

 

* * *

F.C.A.§§ 418; 532 Art.5-B                                                                                Form 5-6

                                                                                                          (Order for Genetic Marker Test)

                                                                                                                             1/2014

                                                                      At a term of the Family Court of the

                                                                      State of New York held in and for the

                                                                      County of Cattaraugus,

                                                                      at  Olean New York

                                                                      on January 16, 2014.

PRESENT:

              Hon. Robert C. Chalmers  
              Judge/Support Magistrate 

In the Matter of a Paternity Proceeding                                                        
(Commissioner of Social Services, Assignee,

                                                                                                                             ORDER FOR

                                                                                                                             GENETIC MARKER    

   Catherine O’Neill Petitioner,                                                                                TEST                                           

                             -against-                                                                                 

     Steven G. Rogers Respondent                                                                       

______________________________________       

 

     The above-named Petitioner having moved this Court for an order requiring the mother, the children and the alleged great-grandfather to submit to one or more genetic marker tests by a duly qualified physician pursuant to Art.5-b of the Family Court Act, to determine whether the alleged great-grandfather is related to the children, it is hereby  ORDERED that the following appear before a designated provider with proper picture identification and this order for the purpose of submitting to such genetic marker test or tests:

**Name**                                                                                                              **Date**                             **Time**

Olean General Hospital Main Laboratory 515 Main St. Olean, NY                     2/17/14                          3:00PM

     ORDERED that the custodial party shall bring the child(ren) required for testing;

     ORDERED that said mother, child and alleged great-grandfather appear at Olean General Hospital Main Laboratory on February 17, 2014 at 3:00 PM  for the purpose of submitting to such genetic marker test or tests;                                                

and it is further

ORDERED that upon completion of said test,

shall mail a copy of the report thereon to the (attorneys for the) Petitioner and Respondent, respectively, and file the original in the office of the Clerk of this Court; and it is  further

     ORDERED that the test shall be paid for by check or money order by [check applicable box]:

X Respondent  ❑ Petitioner; and it is further

     ORDERED that the report of said test(s), if certified in accordance with Section 4518(d) of the Civil Practice Law and Rules; is admissible in evidence unless objections to the report are made in writing to the Clerk of the Court no later than twenty days before the hearing or thirty days after receipt of the report of the test results, whichever is earlier, and if no such timely objections are made, they are deemed waived.  The next court date will be scheduled at that time.

**IF THIS ORDER IS ENTERED BY A JUDGE,** PURSUANT TO SECTION 1113 OF THE FAMILY COURT ACT, AN APPEAL FROM THIS ORDER MUST BE TAKEN WITHIN 30 DAYS OF RECEIPT OF THE ORDER BY APPELLANT IN COURT, OR 30 DAYS AFTER SERVICE BY A PARTY OR THE ATTORNEY FOR THE CHILD UPON THE APPELLANT, OR 35 DAYS FROM THE DATE OF MAILING OF THE ORDER TO APPELLANT BY THE CLERK OF  COURT, WHICHEVER IS EARLIEST.

**IF THIS ORDER WAS ENTERED BY A SUPPORT MAGISTRATE,** SPECIFIC WRITTEN OBJECTIONS TO THIS ORDER MAY BE FILED WITH THIS COURT WITHIN 30 DAYS OF THE DATE THE ORDER WAS RECEIVED IN COURT OR BY PERSONAL SERVICE, OR IF  THE ORDER WAS RECEIVED BY MAIL, WITHIN 35 DAYS OF THE MAILING OF THE ORDER.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Hon. Robert C. Chalmers

                                                                 Judge of the Family Court/Support Magistrate

Dated:January 16, 2014,.

Check applicable box:

 X Order mailed on [specify date(s) and to whom mailed ]:January 16, 2014 to Catherine O'Neill of Olean, NY and Steven G. Rogers of New York, NY

 ☐ Order received in court on [specify date(s) and to whom given]:_____________________

 


	352. Entirely on me

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: so

So I feel like an absolute ass. I really owe you an apology, cap. i read that article thinking there was no way it would be possible and assuming that youd be unhappy with people talking shit about you – I thought you might feel better when you saw that we all realized how ridiculous it sounded? I really didn’t think anyone in the world would be fucked up enough to sue for paternity testing seventy years later.

At least, that was the plan. make you laugh and not worry about it. Instead I just made you feel worse and myself feel like a massive dick. So… yeah. That one is entirely on me. I'm really sorry, Steve.

clint


	353. An inch thick

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: RE: so

Apology accepted. Sorry for the terse response. They served me with a stack of papers an inch thick; I promised Tony I'd help out at this party tonight, and I don't know where to start with all this. I don't know if it's true or not, but Maddy was a friend of mine, and I don't like to think that something like this happened to her, but I also don't understand why the hell this woman had to go the legal route and didn't just send in a note if she wanted to talk to me. 

Ray's coming by the house tonight; make sure she helps herself to dinner. Becky says she's coming back to the house with the rest of us after the party, and you and Ray aren't allowed to watch ahead on The Walking Dead without her. 

\--S


	354. at your door in an hour

Steve –

Under no circumstances do you submit any of this paperwork to _anyone_. I have had more fucking paternity suits filed against me than I have fingers and toes – I pay lawyers explicitly for this type of case and I will have the BEST full stop guy for the job on the phone ASAP.

You need to realize that modern celebrity can bring the worst out in people. This woman assumes that you a) have money and b) will settle outside of court rather than having your name dragged through the mud by the media for months of trial.

(That’s assuming that this isn’t just a ham-handed attempt by some unknown entity to weasel a DNA sample out of America’s one and only super soldier. If that's true, they’ve put you into a position where refusing a blood test will appear indicative of guilt in order to pressure you into doing what they want. It’s a pretty sharp ploy, really, asking so publicly.)

DO NOT SUBMIT THAT PAPERWORK. Do not say _anything_ to anyone. The minute you admit potential paternity by answering the claim, let alone contacting the kids or settling the suit is the minute you sprout a line outside your door ten miles long including every blonde child born between 1941 and 1943. The legal fees alone will make you wish for death.

The paperwork contains language that sounds serious and severe, but these things move slow. It's going to take time, but I guarantee we will get you sorted.

I’ll be at your door in an hour, assuming the helicopter pad isn’t iced over again... Text me if you need anything else.

T


	355. Making My Head Spin

Tony, 

I spoke with Mr. Alvarez; he helped a lot. Everything I could find online was about immediate children, and on top of that, it looks like it's extremely difficult to determine paternity via a single grandparent, and he says that's all true. Did you know this is technically illegal in New York State on about a half-dozen grounds? He says it has to be a publicity stunt, and the judge probably went along with it just to get Captain America to show up in his hometown. Alvarez told me he'd file the appropriate response and it shouldn't ever reach court.

I know this is part of his retainer at Stark Industries, but should I do anything for him? As a thank you? This isn't technically SI business, so…

I think I need to call him again. There's another sheet here filing for a "Temporary Order of Support," that looks like they're demanding that I pay money-- is this normal? It says that a child has to be dependent on the state for this to hold-- but this woman is married; she and her husband both have jobs. I don't know if they assume I'm rich. I could pay it, but it doesn't seem legitimate.

These documents all say "ORDERED" all over them in big, all-caps type, like they're trying to intimidate me into compliance.

I still don't understand why this woman decided to handle it this way. Do you think she tried to write or call and her messages slipped through the cracks? I know we have outside people handling those things now; I keep asking them to send all my fan mail through but they said that it's too much and they only forward about a third of it, and the requests for meetings end up going somewhere different to get screened. So I wonder if she felt like she didn't have a choice.

What do I do if I want to meet them? The fact that I might actually have had a kid I didn't know about ~~and that he died before I got to meet him~~ is ~~terrifying~~ going to keep me up at night. I understand that it's likely this lady is just angling for money, but what if it's more than that? If there's even the slimmest possibility, I'd want to know. ~~And if they need money, or help~~ Have you ever been in that position?

Thanks for calling Alvarez, and thanks for coming home. I'll see you in a little while.

\--Steve


	356. Star-Spangled Sex-on-a-Stick

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: re: only dickheads don't make drink dates

T--

Fine, you haven't answered my texts, I might as well try email.

What's with this news about Star-Spangled Sex-on-a-Stick there? I'm not surprised, because I would totally fry an egg on those pectorals given the opportunity, but are you totally disillusioned about your kiddie crush now? Ha, remember your Captain America sheets? _I_ remember your Captain America sheets. Those were good times. Freshman year at MIT, you had like five posters of him on your wall; is it fucked up to be living in the same house with him now? What's your verdict, are those really his grandkids or what? 

So, look, I was thinking, if you want to have him ring me, I'd love to get him on television. We could totally turn this on its ass, do some damage control before that crazy small-town nobody sucks up the spotlight like the low-rent reality show wannabe she obviously is. Did you see her hair? I didn't know they still _made_ crimping irons. If somebody doesn't get that woman a stylist, your Captain isn't going to have anything to worry about.

Yeah, tell him to call me. We could go the whole fuck-yeah-sexy-America angle with it. You think he'd do a shirtless spread? I could get him a nice human interest piece, or I can name a dozen brands that would jump to have him as a spokesmodel, and we've got great connections with the fashion people.

So where the hell have you been hiding? I thought we were going to catch up. You didn't change your number again, did you? I can't even think of anything I could have done to piss you off this time, gumdrop. Or are you just concerned about your ability to maintain fidelity in my presence? I promise I won't hit on you too hard.

Call me the fuck back. Or text me. Whatever. We need to have a drink for real. If I don't hear from you, I might have to start taking things into my own hands. Maybe I'll just drop in on you sometime.

We've got a society person covering the gala tonight; hope it goes well, as always. You know I always did like your mom.

\--T


	357. XO

S –

If they’re requesting temporary support, yes, they want money. It has nothing to do with how much money they have and everything to do with how much money they think you have. I’m fairly certain there’s not going to be a legal precedent for them to demand child support from someone as far removed from these children as you would theoretically be. I wouldn't worry about it.

Alvarez's filing may start a long, elaborate, ridiculous back-and-forth with their legal team... or may just nip it in the bud entirely, he's fantastic about that kind of thing. You should also probably tell SHIELD if their news trawlers haven't found out about this bullshit already – we need full traces on the family, figure out what kind of connections they have, who they might be working for. Roxxon jumps to mind, obviously, but surely even they aren't stupid enough to pay one of their own to level this kind of lawsuit against you? I wouldn’t be surprised if Natasha were already on that.

To answer your question, I had one or two close calls when I was young and idiotic; however, I got real smart real fast. I may have been a playboy but I'm not into unnecessary risks. 

Okay, that's a lie, I'm totally into risks. Just not risks involving my dick.

Admittedly my cases were all a lot more straightforward than yours. DNA testing has made it simple to clear my name; my lawyers have a standing sample and half the time I don’t even hear about the suits.

Given that the DNA testing would likely be inconclusive, it's likely we'll never know if Catherine person is actually your granddaughter. Even so, better not put that concern in writing, just to be safe. Don’t go meet them, don’t do anything without clearing it with Alvarez; I know it's hard, but that's the way it has to be. You might be curious, but there’s no point going and getting attached when you don’t know if the claim is legit.

The Maria Stark Foundation gala tonight will be fun, I promise. It'll get your mind off of things - and it's for a good cause.

On my way to you. Going to kiss every inch of your neck as I do up your buttons, leave you thinking about me all night long. 

XO

T


	358. This night will never end.

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 301 PARK AVE NEW YORK, NY 10022]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION -SERENADE FOR WINDS, 3RD MOVEMENT: MOZART, W.A., 1756-1791]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Senator! It’s always a pleasure, you look absolutely ravishing, as usual, thank you so much for joining us this evening. I hope you wore your dancing shoes… 

I

...Donald, great to see you - that last episode of the Apprentice, what a shocker! …

CHIARA! God, all grown up and socialising your way through charity galas, your dad is coming by later, right? We’ve got a plate for him, I’ll try to save some champagne…

….

Hanging in there, Anna? Dearest dumpling? Sweetiepie?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Better than ever, caro mio. Your bodyguard is looking a little fatigued, though. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Should I go check on him? See if anything suspicious is afoot?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, we have people to check on your security detail. 

How’s door-duty?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Dull. You should be grateful I never forget a face; otherwise you’d be reminding me who’s who.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laugh] I’d tell you to call everyone ‘Your Majesty.’ Listen, the folks with the list said there were, um, a couple discrepancies they wanted me to ask you about. Well, they asked me, but they’re apparently--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hang on, hang on big, sm--- _hey!_

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okay, okay, I’m gonna try to deal with--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jan!!! Jan, lovely Jan. [smooches] Jesus christ, I haven’t seen you in a thousand years. Why haven’t I seen you in a thousand years? 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Oh, you know me, buzzing about. You’re the one who never comes out anymore. Tony! At your own party! Shocking! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know, I know -- I’ve been busy, so busy -- you’ve seen the news, I’m sure? I have this _fabulous_ new suit, you always liked me in red. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** [laugh] Yes, but it’s a little...shiny...for my tastes. Matte is in this year, Tony. You heard it from me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The expert. I never was particularly on point when it came to style -- you remember the gold lame pants, I’m sure... 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** [laugh] I remember the bet you lost to have to wear them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ‘Wear’ them? I did more than simply wear them. I rocked the _fuck_ out of those pants.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** You rocked the seam out of them, if I remember a particular dance hall excursion? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I should have charged for the view. Ahhhh, the clarity of hindsight.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony-- you, wear pants that are too tight? Never. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

God. It really is good to see you, Jan. You look amazing.

Ana -- Ana’s the new ladyfriend, by the by -- wanted to come rub elbows with the usual suspects… [smooching] Ana, this is Janet Van Dyne, a very old friend. She’s known me for -- longer than she should admit, probably. Is that one of your pieces? 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** [laugh] Tony, Ana and I got back a long way. Hello, darling!

[smooching]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Jan. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** You look _lovely_. Chanel suits you, so classic. And thank you, it’s just some new kanchipuram I picked up in Tamilmandu. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you wear it magnificently, whatever it is. Jan, I know you’re a busy bee at functions, but I have a friend I want you to meet, one of my associates who happens to be heading up tonight’s security detail. 

I put you at my table for dinner; I’ll introduce you.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** [laugh] You’ve got _quite_ the security detail, don’t you? Mmm, I can see those muscles from here. I’d be thrilled. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, you’re a breath of fresh air. C’mon, one more for the road, go sit down! [smooches]

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** [smooch] Give me twenty minutes; I promised Ian and Patrick I would take selfies with them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good girl. [laughing]

…

So how do you know Jan, Na--Ana?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch] 

Oh, there’s more to Jan than meets the eye. She’s an excellent fly on the wall. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, quite the social butterfly. Think Steve wants a drink? Should I get Steve a drink?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t get drinks for your bodyguard; you get drinks for your date. And you _need to stop staring_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry -- sorry. It’s so hard, his shoulders take up like half the room! Mary, Mary? Would you mind taking over the door line? Ana requires refreshment…

[footsteps]

[muttered] God, finally. That’s the worst fucking part of these events. Do you actually want a drink?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Martini. Olive. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** One? Three? You got it. Sit tight.

[footsteps]

Can I do a gin martini, stirred, and a vodka tonic for yours tru--

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** What did you do, drop your phone into the Pacific again? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath, silence]

....Tiberius.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Don’t sound so happy to see me, jellybean. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can hardly blame me for being surprised. It’s been … actual years, hasn’t it?

[rustling] You look good.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** You look devilishly handsome, as always.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Well, we both know I try. 

I didn’t expect to see you here, after all the ….confusion a few years back. What’d you do, sneak in through the kitchens?

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Came in dressed as an exotic plant. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [glass sliding across the bar]

Thanks -- send this over to my date, would you.

[cash rustling]

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Welcome back to New York. What did I do to deserve the cold shoulder? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You got my e-mails. I think you know where we stand.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** It only took _five years_ for you to send them. You have enough time to nearly get yourself killed...what is it now, four times? Five times? And not enough time for a drink? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

We’re busy men… and if you haven’t noticed, I’ve had a bit more on my plate than usual these last few years.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** I’ve also noticed the number of times you’ve... leveraged my network. You know I could offer some more active assistance. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just the once, wasn’t it?

You’re sweet - but I’ve got a team to take care of that these days. I no longer require your… particularly fickle brand of assistance in these matters.

[shifting]

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Fickle? Me? I’m not the one who drops out of touch. Ah, yes, your team...and you somehow find time for a new girlfriend? Is she that demanding, that you can’t squeeze in one little drink? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] It’s hard to tear myself away. You know how I get with new toys.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Toss the old ones out in the trash?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t be jealous just because I’m a nationally beloved superhero.

[kiss]

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** That’s me, the jealous type.

[fabric rustling]

You know I’m not the hero type. I’d just like the chance to play with one.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Too bad I have a date, then. 

[ice clinking]

So what’s the deal, you on the market again? What happened to what’s her name, the black haired chick….

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Which one? 

[ice clinking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] 

**STONE.Tiberius.:** I came to see _you_. Be flattered. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** At $30,000 a plate I'll allow myself to feel slightly smug. You make forty-plus particularly tempting; I was a little worried you’d let yourself go...

[rustling]

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Well, I heard you were back in town… Fuck plates; I paid for a table. How’s the Tower? Is your AI back up and running? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] You didn't - you did, didn't you. Of course.

I know how to take care of my things, Tyrion.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** I was a little afraid you’d lose your head, Ned. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love it when you worry about me. 

**STONE.Tiberius.:** Not you. Just your mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

Your tie’s crooked. Here.

[shifting]

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Can’t keep your hands to yourself, can you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just want to make sure you look fit to be seen, way back at the rear table.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Rear table? I paid for a seat in your lap. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You bought a whole table, I’d hate to cheat you. Or with you. You’re aiming high tonight, aren’t you?

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Old habits die hard, Cookie Puss. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really, Ty - not that I don’t appreciate your altruistic good-hearted interest in charity, but you could have come by the Tower any time.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** I did. I heard you moved back out to Howard’s old place. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, my penthouse is a bit worse for wear at the moment, and if I’ve gotta bunk up with Captain America I want some elbow room. You know, lest the posters make things awkward.

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** [chuckle] What do you need the posters for when you have security footage? 

Mmm. 

I don’t suppose I merit an introduction? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you don’t suppose, I don’t have to decline, munchkin. 

**STONE.Tiberius.:** You afraid I’m going to tell him about the sheets? Maybe I’d be doing you a favor. Come on. 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, dickhead - he’s working, don’t harass the poor bastard. You know how much I had to donate in his name to earn his services? 

**STONE.Tiberius.:** Working? Psh, you just want to ogle him in that suit all night. You can’t bring Captain America to a function and expect his adoring public to keep away. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Adoring? Try annoying. 

[footsteps]

Ty. _Tiberius._

[footsteps slow, stop] 

**STONE.Tiberius.:** What is it, Honeybunches?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You bring up the paternity shit, I throw your ass out unapologetically and reinstate Pepper’s eight restraining orders. Clear?

 **STONE.Tiberius.:** Hmm. Crystal. 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** To-- what can I, ah--?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve … I’ve been asked to introduce you to an old friend… Tiberius Stone. Tiberius, Captain Steve Rogers. Steve, this is Ty. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** _Captain_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Ty?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, with Viastone. He’s the generous sonofabitch who shared his box on Times Square with us - you know, before New Years was derailed. He’s absolutely _dying to meet you, apparently._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, ah. Right. Thanks. Nice to meet you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [muttered] It’s really not, trust me…

You’re gonna honor our rain check aren’t you, Ty? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** The pleasure will be all mine. Come over. I’ll give you a tour. We should-- I saw that press conference, Captain. You should come be a guest on one of our shows.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Captain Rogers spends his free time saving the world, sweet cheeks.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It seems like saving the world could use a little good press these days. What do you say, Captain? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I’d have to run your request by my handlers. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [laugh] Handlers? Fuck your handlers. Is this ass really making you _work_ this thing? Can you come away from that wall, or are you stuck there? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I offered. Feel better being useful.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m sure you’re very useful. So...are you allowed to have a drink?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course he is. What do you take me for, a monster? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** The best kind of monster. What do you say? Scotch?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, thanks

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You’ve got the boy on a short leash, Bubblegum.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

Sadly, while our dear Captain may choose to partake, alcohol generally lacks the desired effect.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, that’s a shame. What do you do for fun, Captain? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mostly tease me about Howard’s creepy room full of Captain America memorabilia. Also, painting, apparently. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You still have that crap? Ha. Do you remember the time we went down there and, ah--

[snickers]

\--of course you do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What kind of painting? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. Drawing, really. I usually stick to pencils, charcoal--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’d love to see your work sometime. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We’re working on gallery space. You might get a chance.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You need an investor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

Did you actually just ask that? Stone. Really. Captain Rogers already has a patron.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I--?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Does he? I wonder who that could be. Captain Rogers, would you like _another_ patron?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is he you? You’d rather chew glass, Cap. Trust me. Jagged shards are easier on the constitution. 

Besides, you shouldn’t associate your skills with someone so tasteless.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What, are you questioning my aesthetic appreciation, Peaches? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’ve never been particularly discerning with the objects of your affection, present company not excluded.

Steve, will you join us at the main table? I hoped I could convince you to grace us with your presence...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What do you mean, will he? Of course he’s joining us. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Joining...Of course. Why not? [clears throat] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s working, Ty. I want him to be comfortable.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** He’s plenty comfortable. What do you think, Steve; do you think Tony’s going to have an aneurysm if I ask you to dance? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can ask. But security detail already filled up my card. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Honestly I’m a little offended that you spent $150,000 on a table and passed me over for a burly blonde wallflower. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You were my first choice, Jellybean, but you told me you were taken. I think one-fifty should buy me a dance with Captain America, shouldn’t it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Somehow I feel you’re not his type, Ty. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Oh? What’s his type? _Steve_ , do you see anything out there you like?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That wouldn’t be professional.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You could dance with Tony. I know you’re _his_ type.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] As much as I enjoy dancing, I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline until _at least_ after dinner. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t encourage him, Steve, he’s ridiculous.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ly awesome. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, Stone - I’ve fought super villains with better one-liners. [laughter]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Yes, look at you, all grown up and superheroing.

Well, if Captain Ripped here doesn’t want to dance, what do you say, brussel sprout? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck, no. When was the last time we danced together?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Two thousand eight, roof of the San Régis. The night with the cognac and the skinny dipping. Ah. One of them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...that, sounds about right. Sorry to subject you to the sordid details of our awkward and largely unpleasant past, Steve.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Stop it with the flattery, Jellybean. Are we dancing or not? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Well, if we must.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Please, enjoy yourselves. I really should be watching the room. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Keep up the good work, o Captain my Captain. 

[footsteps]

You utter bastard. I’m leading.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Keep dreaming. You end up following even when I let you lead. God, Tony...are those...are those _muscles_ under your shirt? That’s new. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not only am I leading, I’m stepping on _all_ of your toes.

[muttered] You’re such an ass. You couldn’t possibly restrain yourself?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I don’t think I’m the one who needs to worry about restraining myself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I work with the man.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** The way you were marking your territory? I’d say you’re working with _something_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What can I say? You’ve always been a poacher. 

Don’t want you to freak him out. He’s from the 40’s, for fuck’s sake. I’m not sure people even _had_ sex back then.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m pretty sure that’s how the survival of the species works, Cookie Puss. He’s _cute_. And like you said, from the 40’s...probably lonely as hell. Why don’t you go for it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t -- he’s not super comfortable with the whole _gay_ thing. Like I said; I work with him.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckle] You do realize, that as your oldest and dearest friend, I am obliged to tell you that I hope you mean ‘work with’ in a less-than-professional sense.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] “Friend” is a very relative term… but he _is_ cute. It’s fucking distracting.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [snort] Cuter than in the comics, even. Cuter than on your bedsheets. Well. The faces printed on your bedsheets; I’m sure he’d be exceptional on your bedsheets. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck you, Stone.

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - CALAMBRE: PIAZZOLLO Astor, 1921 - 1992]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Do you want to? Because that can be arranged. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Taken, love. With regrets.

[footsteps]

…. is this tango?

…..

You paid off the orchestra, didn’t you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What was I supposed to do? Your planner picked a shitty set list. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** My _planner_ has exquisite taste in music, and didn’t want to thin out the dance floor by opening with a _tango_. 

No one dances the tango any more.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You do. I do. This is a _charity event_. You’ve got a rapt audience now. You can thank me later. 

[music swells]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …...the tango was always our dance, wasn’t it.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Is your lady going to mind? You introduced me to your bodyguard and not your lady. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You asked for the bodyguard, not the lady.

She’ll be fine. She’s an excellent dancer, but she turned her ankle this winter in the Alps.

[dance steps, shoes scraping]

Can you blame me? You have a terrible habit of stealing my girlfriends. And boyfriends. And dates. And spots in Advanced Particle Physics 401. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You only wanted into Advanced Particle Physics 401 because you were trying to get back on Sunset’s good side. Turnabout is fair play, Honeybunches. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What do you -- _I’m_ leading. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You’ve never been very good at leading, Tony. How about your life-sized action figures? Can I steal those? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good luck.

[rustling, dance steps]

Hah… hands above the waist, creampuff. You’ll scandalize the establishment.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Come on, Cookie Puss. Give the people their money’s worth. What is that _like_? Living with your childhood idol? Your incredibly sexy childhood idol?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What do you think it’s like? Torment. Look at him - his abs stretch for miles.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you haven’t gotten any? You’re losing your touch. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Straight as the Mason-Dixon, I’m afraid.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Mason-Dixon usually got bent to people’s purposes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s a national icon - I’m pretty sure they’ll deport you for thoughts like that.

[music swells, dancing footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ooh, you know I’d have to take you down with me. We could go back to Bali. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bali is _so_ 2001.... you need some new moves. I remember that one from the tenth grade.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Just trying to let you keep up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t patronize, squash blossom. You know I can match you step for step. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. 

You just can’t stay away.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know it, Canteloupe. You’ll thank me later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Unlikely. Mmm.

[dancing]

**STONE.Tiberius:** You wouldn’t be out here if you didn’t like it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You fucking dip me again and I’ll leave you standing here alone, Stone. Ass.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ooh. Your cheeks are red, Baby. You can dip me back if you want to. 

[shuffling feet]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t.

[music slows]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Next time, then. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t hold your breath, parsnip.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Heh. You remember what happened the last time you said that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah. Well, yeah.

Not tonight, Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t worry, Tony. I wasn’t expecting...much. But that was one damn fine dance. 

[smooch] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I suppose it was. They’re seating for dinner - find me after, maybe I’ll buy you a drink.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It’s an open bar, and I had someone switch my table assignment. I was going to sit next to you, but maybe I’ll sit next to Steve. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckling]

You know, I’m not sure if I hate to love you or love to hate you. 

Sit by me?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oooh, that’s an opening line if I’ve ever heard one. 

[footsteps]

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** ...do love what you’ve done with your hair, though I wish you’d quit straightening it. I love your natural wave.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you. Steve colored it, actually. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Well, he has a natural eye, I can tell you that. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s surprisingly artistic. Just-- one minute; I see Tony coming; I’d better refill his drink. 

[smooch] 

[footsteps]

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Ah - Tony! And Tiberius, my goodness, that’s a blast from the past.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Jan! 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Have you gotten taller, or have I gotten shorter? [kisses] Ah--hahaha, whee!

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Sorry! You know I can’t help myself. And Tony’s put on too much weight for me to do it to him anymore. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Don’t listen to him darling, I _like_ your new arms. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing.

[footsteps]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m off the clock for dinner; that was an impressive display out there, gentlemen. Where do I sit? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, you’re next to Ana. But first, let me introduce you to one of my oldest friends, the light of my lonely Long Island life, the lovely Janet Van Dyne. Jan, this is Steve Rogers.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Aw. Aww. _Aww_ , Tony, you’re too sweet. I know who this is. It’s a _delight_ , Captain. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The pleasure is all mine, Madam. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jan lived down the street when I was growing up - Jan, actually, do you still own that Old Westbury property? I’ve been refurbishing the old house, you might get a kick out of seeing what we’ve done with it. Breathed life into a veritable corpse. Pep calls it my little superhero frat house, but I promise I make my boarders bathe. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Oooh, I would love to swing by...it’s a little too cold for Long Island Iced Teas on the patio, but once it gets a little warmer? No, we sold the old house off-- I’m in Manhasset now, on the water? You should come over to the marina sometime. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Absolutely; I still have three boats out there, we’ll go sailing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve always wanted to go sailing. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Do you still have that shitty eighteen-footer we fixed up in college? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I do - but I haven’t been to the marina in a thousand years. I hired someone to do post-Sandy touch-ups, I was too consumed by work to do it properly.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Tony, you-- always with the work. You work too hard. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] No such thing.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Captain, you simply _must_ bring that adorable puppy I keep seeing in the papers - have you named him yet?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You have a dog? Tony _always_ wanted a dog when we were kids. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, he’s a-- Pyr-Shepherd mix? Big guy. We’ve been calling him Moose. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Oooooh, Mooooose, adorable, I love scooping page six. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s pretty alright, as far as dogs go. A gentle giant, as it were.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You always had a thing for those, moonpie. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Since when were you gentle?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Boys, boys, you’ll make the good Captain blush.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve been living with Stark for almost a year; I don’t think anything makes me blush anymore. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Flatterer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It wasn’t a compliment, chickadee. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t be sore, sugarplum. You know I’d dance with you, too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** After dinner. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Fifty thousand to your charity says he’s going to worm his way out of it, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seventy five says it’s on like _Donkey Kong._ Though come to think of it, I’ve never seen you dance, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was in a USO touring show. I had to dance with wealthy widows to get them to buy war bonds. I’m not saying no to charity; if your friend here wants to up the ante…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** One hundred thousand. Should we open it up to the floor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There might be space on the docket, jellybean - you’re welcome to talk us up at the silent auction.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Oooh, I’ll give you two one-fifty to dance. Sorry, Ty. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Excuse me, sir? I think you’re in my seat. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Not anymore. See the name card? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, I see the name card I placed on the _back table_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Becky, this is Tiberius Stone, more money than god, douchebag extraordinaire, and - shockingly - a lifelong …. friend.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** There were a couple words missing there. Are you the new PA? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yep. And I need to be next to my boss, so someone can tuck his napkin in for him. The seat to the right is free. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Then you’re welcome to the seat to the right. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Iiiiii think I’ll take this one. Hi, Boss. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Hi, Becks. My favorite. My _very_ favorite. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I know I am. You’re my favorite. [smooching] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I thought you were with the blonde. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What can I say, trufflebutt, I’m a busy man.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What _is_ that name, even? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m running out of things that start with T. Teacup? Is teacup better? What can I say, teacup, I’m a busy man.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Teacup is terrible. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, _Ty_ is terrible, and therefore worthy only of the worst of names. Did you see him stomping all over my feet out there? 

Miserable.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** I don’t know; I thought it was pretty sexy. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Definitely sexy, for a guy who _takes ladies’ chairs_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You mean him and not me, right?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m the one reaping the benefits at the moment. You have an open dance on your card, Becky? I think I’ve lost my partner to Captain America. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, I don’t think I can keep up with Tony, but I’ll certainly give it my best shot. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Absolutely no more tango, I forbid it. You don’t tango, do you Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God, no. Foxtrot and a little swing, myself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, goody. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Word of warning, Steve; he won’t let you lead. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Word of warning, Mr. Stone; I’m not letting you lead, either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Becky, Shoemageddon is getting another horseman.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oooh, War, please. I need red pumps. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Anything for you, anything. Jan, oh, I meant to ask - I’m so tired of seeing Steve out in plaid -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What’s wrong with plaid?! I like plaid! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \- is there any way I could coerce you into filling a position as, say, temporary style consultant?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** No, Steve. No plaid. Not unless you’re lumberjacking. Or a lesbian, and I think that’s right out for you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t dance with men in plaid, sugarplum, so once we’ve been seen in public I have to put my foot down.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is this another excuse to make me wear the uniform all the time? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Steve, your ass looks amazing in the uniform. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** That uniform is exceptionally flattering. I was Captain America for Halloween one year. Remember that, Tony? Remember how drunk you got? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It must not have been all that memorable… nope. Nah. Steve’d fill it out better than you, though.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, I’m not denying that. I’m sure it’s hard to compete with Steve in or out of uniform. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s why he’s our fearless leader. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** So you can all stare at him from behind?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Ooooh, in that case, can I join up? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure we could find some small role for you… every little bit counts. Or that’s what I tell Ty, at least.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Touché.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Well, I promise I wouldn’t be a thorn in your side. Do you need costume design? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Always, my dear, always.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony, love, I’m _sorry_ that took so long. I explicitly asked the bartender for the Old Raj, and they couldn’t find it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

If I’m going to drink gin, it might as well be fantastic gin. Mmm. You’re a sight for sore eyes.

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible] Sore eyes at a table full of such pretty people? Is everyone sitting in laps tonight? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, I hope so.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you, sweetheart.

[inaudible]

[giggling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Babycakes, you need to meet our newest guest, this is Tiberius Stone, a very old friend. He’s bet a hundred thousand dollar that Steve won’t dance with me tonight.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ana. It’s lovely to finally meet you. Tony has told me _so little_ about you. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I like it that way. He’s told me _too much_ about you. And what does Steve think about this wager? Steve? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll do almost anything once for charity. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, in that case--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not _that_ charitable, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Poor, poor me. I suppose I’ll have to content myself with the lovely Anamarina… [rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [giggling] 

[swatting] You can’t keep your hands to yourself, can you? Naughty boy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Guilty as charged. [smooching] You wanna stay put? Looks like the first course is coming.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I am _intensely_ excited about this menu. We’re having truffled carrot soup to start. With organic creme fraiche. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Carrot soup. TONY. Remember the time with the-- 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Oh. Oh my. I remember the time with the carrots. I’m not sure that’s appropriate conversation for mixed company, _Tiberius_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Oh, god. Will this night never end!

{Transmitting…}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTES:
> 
> 1\. [The video used for strategic tango-dance-ogling research-related purposes.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eomGV4buJzM)
> 
> 2\. [and oh yes, this one. This is the actual song Ty & Tony danced to.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9GtVu5WqnQ)
> 
> 3\. [also, this one. Mmm.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZEckpXniWo)
> 
> 4\. A quick note from Rain - I'm working abroad until the end of April, and I'm finding it tough to respond to comments in a timely fashion given my time zone and schedule. I promise I'm reading all of the lovely things you have to say, and I'll do my best to respond as I can!! 
> 
> 5\. in apology, [have some porny Ty/Tony prequelfic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1441621). my gift to you. :3 :3 <3


	359. Lies like a rug

Steve – 

You never told me you could dance. I mean – USO tour and everything, routines, chorus girls… but I didn't realize you enjoyed it that much. You looked great out there - smiling so much more than I'm used to seeing you smile, at least when other people are around. (Is it too much to ask for you wear suspenders every day? On anyone else they look goofy, but on you they just make your broad bits broader and your narrow bits narrower, and I love being able to work my thumbs under them and pull you into a kiss.)

~~~~

If only Ty knew he’d enabled the best night of my year....

I don’t mean to sound maudlin or whiny or anything – because I know why things are this way and I am completely fine with doing anything that needs doing, even if it’s not what I want most – but I wish every night could be like last night. I felt like the fucking belle of the ball. I just wish you’d been sitting next to me through dinner, so I could have critiqued the orchestral arrangements in your ear instead of Nat’s. And held your hand under the dinner table. And generally passed the time acting like a smitten fourteen year old version of myself – which you would naturally find endearing and not creepy, because a good boyfriend would indulge in a little selective amnesia regarding Ty’s version of my childhood. Dude lies like a rug. Like a snake. Like a rug made out of snakes.

Getting home, though. Steve Rogers crooking his finger in invitation, sliding his hands up my back, loosening my tie, singing and chuckling in my ear as he peeled off my jacket. When did you install that phonograph? If I weren't so trusting I might think you'd been planning that little encounter for ages.

Why _don’t_ we do this more often?

T

P.S. What the fuck is parcheesi?

P.P.S. I'm leaving Monday for Iceland - the trip is a whirlwind. Two days in Reykjavik, then off to Oslo. I fly from Oslo straight back to LA, while Becky will come back to New York. I hate to leave for a stretch at a time like this, but there's not much I can do.

P.P.P.S. I've canceled all SI related bullshit this weekend. Maybe we can finally cook something other than breakfast together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuzQRcY2sYs) is the song Steve sang to Tony during their private dance.


	360. Apollo Splash Club

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: my T is for terrific, your T is for tool.

T – 

You’re an insufferable ass, but I’m honestly glad you turned up the other night. Even if you did tell that story about the Apollo Splash Club, jesus, are you trying to ruin me?

The twelve year old deep inside me is pretty psyched about making the cover of Us Weekly for dancing with Captain America. Consider yourself absolved of all holiday-related gift purchases for the next decade.

Drinks? Hellfire Club? I’m in Malibu for the first half of most weeks. Iceland and Norway from the 20th to the 24th, LA to the 27th. Let me know.

T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! Special Treat For Today: Rain & Tea's [SS TINY SPOTIFY PLAYLIST](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/79k4XReaIIYN3D1lznKN4z)


	361. wandered in today

Nat –

stark wandered in today and handed me a business card with an SI e-mail address and login – when I opened it up there were seven freaking job offers for different types of security and intel work. Three of them are internal - SI related security positions. The others are for a handful of other agencies on the east coast.

Is it crazy that I'm considering working for Stark? Shockingly, Becky really likes working for him. She makes it look easy... but then she's that kind of person, i guess. he gets obtuse or surly, she laughs and diffuses the situation like a pro, it's really something else. I sure as hell wouldn't want to work in any capacity that meant I'd have to interact with him like that, but none of these positions appear to answer to Stark - one actually references some guy named Happy (Happy, really?) on the west coast. Wasn't that the dude that got coma-ed by the Mandarin last year?

So...yeah, I'm chewing on this over the weekend. I let Becks know about the plans we talked about and she was surprisingly cool about it. three of the seven jobs here are in New York, two are in DC, two in LA... I'm not super into the DC security scene given that city has like, seven local police forces, but it's only an hour and change on a plane so that's workable a far as you and Becks go. LA seems like a big change for now - not that i'm opposed to the west coast or anything, but yeah. That's a long way from home.

I can't believe this is the same dude who locked me out of a skyscraper for finishing his pad thai. I suspect he and I are sliding away from grudging mutual respect into actual real person friendship, and nobody is more shocked by that than me.

Anyway, don’t pretend like you didn’t have a hand in this. You really didn’t have to reach out on my behalf but I’m glad you did. It's nice to feel like I have some options.

you continue to be my favorite,  
C


	362. Captain America Tattoo

T,

I told you I was going to install a sound system, didn't I? A phonograph is absolutely a sound system. I never had one as a kid; I'd say this makes up for it. (And before you laugh, I installed wireless speakers, too). 

Thanks for prodding me into coming out to the party; I didn't expect it to be quite so nice. It helped get my head clear-- well, mostly, it got me occupied with listening to your old friends humiliate you, which is always more entertaining than legal paperwork.

Your friend Ty wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting from the description. He gave me his card and told me I should get a tour of the Viastone building sometime. I am going to diligently misplace that, unless you suggest otherwise. At least he wasn't too much of a smarm to Becky; she seemed to handle him admirably-- although I got the feeling he was only flirting with me to see the look on your face. I hope I did a passable enough job at playing dumb; sometimes they ideas people have about me from the comics do come in useful, after all. 

Does he really have a Captain America tattoo or was that a joke? I couldn't tell half the time. 

Janet told me she'd take me shopping while you're out of town. And tell me more embarrassing stories about your childhood. Does she lie, too? She seemed to corroborate an awful lot of Ty's stories. I'm not sure what I think about that.

You're on for cooking-- We have a 2pm date with my bike and the grocery store. How do you feel about learning to make a roux? It's tricky, but I think you're up to it. If you can stand to take direction. 

I got a parcheesi board. I like the idea that I might get to show you something new for once. 

You can never, ever overdo a good thing, 

S

PS Are you going to finish the story about the Apollo Splash Club? If not, I might have to call Ty after all.


	363. Impressively Sober

Tony:

Happy Monday! Gala reports are great! You're looking at an attendance of 1231 for this year's event, which puts us at 18 million raised just in ticket sales alone. The silent auction raised another 35, so you're at 53 million, which is 8% up from last year, nice bump. I should mention that your dance with Steve garnered four-point-two million ON ITS OWN-- you should probably send Ty a thank you note, ha. 

You know that dude sent me flowers? He sent me flowers. With a note thanking me for the entertainment and asking if I could slot him into your calendar. REALLY. It's like, thanks, dude. If I were single I probably would have torn them up in a pissy fit of rage, but instead Clint and I just laughed and laughed at them.

The MSF people say that there are still donations coming in left to be tallied, so all in all not bad. The Waldorf-Astoria people were very pleased with how everything went and already agreed to re-book for next year, so we're on the calendar for January 23, 2015. Nice. 

Press coverage was positive overall: people really like the STEM education focus this year; the _Times_ called your speech "impressively sober," and "surprisingly jargon-free," which I guess is a good thing. 

_Vulture_ and _Gothamist_ were all over Natasha's red Marc Jacobs-- "Ana" seems to be getting thorough approval-- there's a bunch of commentary about her saving your life, and suggesting she's a good influence on you, ha. If only they knew.

But of course the big news is that over the weekend we got a whopping 210 requests to license the official photos of you and Steve dancing together, 59 requests for the photos of you dancing with Ana, 32 requests for her dancing with Steve AND 46 for that close-up of her dabbing her lipstick off his cheek, oops. You might be seeing rumors of a love triangle in the tabloids soon :-P. I've seen some catty comments about Pepper and how she missed the even to "avoid Stark's new squeeze," so we might need to do some damage control, there. Ugh. I already warned her, so no worries. She said she's sorry she couldn't make it, but that student art opening was a blast, the kids were thrilled she made it, and she did send her check.

Lots of nice comments about how well and put-together you looked after nearly falling out of a building two weeks ago. Lots of nice comments about the interest in the public schools and technology education, so good job, Mister Stark!

We leave for the airport in 40 minutes; I've got your itinerary for Iceland and I'll go over it with you in the car. Put some pants on and kiss Steve goodbye, loverboy. 

\--Becs


	364. In That Direction

Steviecakes,

Ty's.... Ty. Hopefully you won't have an opportunity to see what I mean when I say this, but he's the kind of guy who files everything away and stores it in the back of his seedy little brain to be whipped out at the worst possible moment. When he lies, he does so in ways that are impossible to pin, and when he tells the truth he only does so because he knows the truth is damning. Don't go to Viastone. Don't do the interviews. Ty never offers anything unless he believes it will benefit him - if he did offer you a tour it's only because there's something in it for him - it might just be doing me a favor so that he can worm his way back into my life, but even that's not worth it. 

Never accept a favor from Tiberius Stone unless you're sure have him in hand.

As for the tattoo..... the tattoo is a loooooooong story. You're gonna have to buy me a couple of drinks before you weasel that one out of me.... or, if you really want to know, my favorite social butterfly might be convinced to give you a run-down while you go shopping together. Jan's a bit flighty, but truly a kind-hearted and generous person. You're in good hands with her, even if she does have a hard time keeping embarrassing gossip about my childhood to herself. 

It's weird to see him, still puttering along, still playing his games. He reminds me of myself before the Ten Rings punched a hole through my chest, except more mean-spirited, if that's even possible. It's hard to believe there was ever a time in my life I'd have thought of him as my best friend; the idea seems so foreign now.

Parcheesi was pretty alright, actually. I don't mind playing games with a tactician when dice are involved - or were you just going easy on me? Next time I'll give you a fighting chance and let you try for two out of three. 

T

 

PS Now that I know how to prep a basic sauce you've armed me with the ability to burn and blacken an entirely new set of meals. You'll 'roux' the day you encouraged me in that direction, sugarplum.

PPS I miss you already - have a great week at work, be good.


	365. When I Grow Up




	366. They don't make them like that anymore

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: Are you talking about my tool, now?

T – 

Just remember, you're the one who brought it up.

You know I love ruining you, Jellybean. But really, shouldn't you be thanking me? Your Captain friend seemed particularly intrigued, especially once he figured out that we weren't talking about a waterslide park.

My god, they don't make them like that anymore, do they? 

Does this mean we're back on holiday gift-giving terms? I've got a stack of them here dating back to 2008 that someone refused receipt on. 

Oh, and as far as Steve goes-- I gave him my card; tell him I'll book him on any show he likes. You know these gold-digging types are just going to keep coming at him. He should be making a public statement before they try anything else. It's a hell of a lot better than letting all the blogs start asking why he hasn't spoken up for himself. 

Do they still allow you at the Hellfire Club? I'm free the end of the last week of January. 30? 31? Let me know. You should bring the Captain along. You could bring your cute PA, too. And I suppose the girlfriend can come, too, but god, Tony, every chick you hook up with is a bore. 

T


	367. Feeling Neglected

Tony,

Steviecakes? Really? Are you feeling neglected because I haven't given you a pet name?

Thanks for the postcards. You know I wish I were there, too, but I don't think Fury would be comfortable with both of us being out of the country at once, and while I might be able to come up with a rationale to go to a peace conference, if you keep doing these energy technologies conferences, I'm never going to have an excuse to go, pending your invention of the Supersoldier-Hamster-Wheel-powered home. 

I met Janet after work; she took me to a lot of department stores where I eventually decided I was better off not looking at the price tags before I finally won out and she acquiesced to shopping with the hoi-polloi at such low-class establishments as Bloomingdales and Lord & Taylor. Janet tells me to inform you that she is finally just barely satisfied with the cut of my shirts-- she must have made me try on twenty. I'm not sure I understand what the fuss is about, but she insisted that when they fit through the shoulders, they were too wide in the waist, and I believe this disaster (her word, not mine) has been corrected. 

Don't worry; I'm not foolish enough to engage Ty on my own. And everything with the paternity case has been quiet since Alvarez filed those papers, so I'd rather not draw any more attention to it. 

I've also acquired a Monopoly board. If you're going to be so ruthless in your parcheesi playing, we'll see how you manage at a _real_ board game.

Steve


	368. Deep and abiding mastery

from: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
subject: Weekend plans?

Heyooo, long time no e-mail!!

How's Captain Helvetica enjoying the design department? I’m gonna cut straight to the chase – a little bee told me you were having a hard time with Illustrator. Fucking bezier curve, right? That shit's unreal. It’s only been like two weeks and the learning curve on some of that stuff can be pretty steep; don't worry about it. Most people, like, go to school for it. 

It just so happens that you are fortunate enough to know a talented gallery-coordinator-slash-stylish-personal-assistant who has a deep and abiding mastery of the program, so, seriously. Let me know if you want to go over anything. Clint is actually gone right now on job interviews, and I suspect if you've been in the kitchen at all this afternoon you know I'm back in town. I figure we're both stag for a couple nights, right? I've got all the necessary apps on my shiny new StarkBook, so we can like, pop a bunch of popcorn and, like, I'll teach you how to photoshop Tony's head onto Pez dispensers and then put the results in corporate PowerPoints. It'll be great.

Becky


	369. Beyond Ordinary Mortal Intellect

T--

I got this funny email from Becky about something in the kitchen, so I went to check. 

They are not addressed, and they are signed by some mysterious person, the likes of whom I am sure I will never guess, so I am not sure if the gift is for me or the dog. Do you think you could use your incredible genius-level intelligence to determine the culprit? I am sure it is far beyond ordinary mortal intellect. Either that, or they are actually from a moose.

Good luck in CA.

Your equally enigmatic,

S

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to our dear reader texankate for supplying the Norwegian souvenirs!!


	370. Organize the supply cabinet

from: Rogers, Steven G. (S.Rogers@AvengersInitiative.org)  
to: Rebecca Quan (rquan@starkindustries.com)  
subject: RE: Weekend plans?

Hi, Becky--

Thanks for the offer. Who told you? People keep treating me like it's the first time I've seen a computer; they seem to think I'm not familiar with the concept of email, and it's getting really frustrating trying to get answers to questions when they all want to explain what a USB is again. I understand everything theoretically; it's just a question of practice. The vector pen thing is driving me nuts; I can't make sense of how it works, and all the keyboard shortcuts seem like they're going to take me months to memorize. The keyboard is tiny; I don't understand why our work computers don't have a touchscreen. I can't type without hitting two keys at once. 

The people in the design department have all been really patient with me (you know, if a little condescending), but I haven't done anything productive except go through all our backlogged mail and organize the supply cabinet and the kitchenette, because I feel like I should at least do something useful while I'm there. 

I'm just not getting the hang of any of this and I know Tony's going to ask how it's going and I'm just going to have to tell him, you know, I found the one thing Captain America's a terrific failure at. 

Don't tell him I said that, okay? I know he probably has all kind of instructions about things you're supposed to report back to him, but I took this job because he wanted me to, and it's making me stir crazy as hell.

Plus, that lady who claims I'm her grandfather is in the news again. The lawyers told me not to have any contact, but it doesn't seem right. I don't know. I keep trying not to watch it, but the videos are popping up everywhere. I'm worried about what it's doing to Captain America's reputation.

I guess that's my way of saying I could use some company, yes.

Just let me know what time you're free. I'll cook you dinner-- maybe I can actually get that salmon right this time?

\--Steve


	371. Something to Hide?

Tony, dear heart--

Ugh, not to spoil your trip, but you asked me to keep you abreast of developments regarding this bullshit. 

Steve's pretty upset about the whole thing. We had dinner last night; I've been trying to distract him. We already had the conversation about not reading blog comments but he keeps doing it anyway.

How'd Clint like the LA office? You can tell me honestly; I know he's holding back his enthusiasm because it's so damn far.

\--Becs 

 

New Year's seems to have been the start of a new chapter for Tony Stark, under the influence of his sexy Italian squeeze, Anamarina Lovato-- he's been snapped on several occasions with the busty blonde on his arm, most recently this past Friday at the annual Maria Stark Foundation charity gala, where Mr. Stark raised over four million dollars with an impromptu "auction" in which guests bid to see him dance with Steve "Captain America" Rogers.

After rumors last year that the two Avengers couldn't stand to be in the same room together, they've certainly been keeping up appearances for the public these days, with Rogers defending Stark's "green energy" initiatives on several occasions.

But it seems like the dance floor's not the only place where Captain Rogers is following the famed billionaire playboy's lead.

After a judge threw out the paternity suit against Steve Rogers this past week, citing no precedent for a suit to be filed against the great-grandfather of two minor children and a requirement that all suits be filed within 90 days of obtaining an address for an alleged father, Catherine O'Neill went on the aptly-titled _Good Morning America_ this morning to appeal to the Captain of the same name.

She brought her two children: Maddy, 8; and Steven, 3 with her to the show. Steven wore a tee shirt with "Grandpa Steve's" iconic shield emblazoned on it. 

"Lawsuit or no," said Mrs. O'Neill, "I was under the impression that Captain Rogers was the kind of good-hearted soul who stoof for everything that was right about America. And that means family. I wanted my children to know that they should be proud to be related to an American hero, but I'm starting to wonder what kind of hero he really is. Maybe the America schtick is just that-- a schtick." 

She went on to release more photographs of her grandmother, Madeleine Joyce, and Captain Rogers. In a particularly salacious one, Ms. Joyce, wearing a very short skirt (for the time) is posed on a shirtless Rogers' lap, with his hands on her waist and her hat perched on his head. 

She also released portions of Ms. Joyce's diary from the same time to the press:

_Steve and I had a lovely dinner last night. He's very shy when he's not wearing the costume, but we were holding hands on the balcony and I asked him if he'd like to kiss me. His eyes lit up like the Fourth of July (which, incidentally, is his birthday). He said he'd never kissed a girl before. I couldn't believe it. A man like that. I think it must be a line._

_Kissing Steve tastes like root beer and chocolate ice cream. I tried to get him to do a shot of whiskey, but he says he doesn't drink._

_Charlene said Steve's been spending an awful lot of time with Betsy. I keep thinking about that night on the boardwalk when he was holding her hand, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be sick._

_I've been dropped from the number due to "staff complaints." They tried to make it sound like it was the other girls, but Steve hasn't spoken to me since that night with Betsy. Mom and Dad said I'm welcome back home, but I just don't know what I'm going to do-- go to work in the factory like all the other girls?_

_On top of everything else, I think I'm coming down with a bad 'flu. Two of the other girls were sick last week; I must have caught it from one of them. I just can't hold anything down._

As we've heard by now, Madeleine reportedly had a brief romance with Captain Rogers before being ejected from her place in the USO chorus line that toured with his war bonds show. She gave birth to Steven Joyce, Mrs. O'Neill's deceased father, approximately seven months later. 

Well, well…maybe Captain America isn't so good and wholesome after all. 

Representatives for our dear Captain have replied saying that Captain Rogers will not comment. We've been told he currently has the assistance of the legal staff co-Avenger Tony Stark keeps on retainer-- which means we know they're good. So what's wrong, Steve? Something to hide?


	372. A ratings hike

Steve –

Becky just told me about the _Good Morning America_ interviews - we are suing the shit out of that farcical dump of a news outlet. We'll see what they feel like publishing when my legal team stilettos their fucking defense funds. Libel, slander, whatever we can get them for – must be a slow fucking news week if shows like that are seizing on your seventy-year-old sex life for a ratings hike.

This is like the third draft of this I’ve tried to write so I’m just gonna try to be organized about it… I know how you love lists.

1\. Do not contact the media or the slimy shitbags making this claim. If anyone asks you about it, just point out that the topic is a non-starter; the suit was tossed out because nothing can be proved definitively. If we absolutely must, slate a press conference to give yourself a chance to make your statements and refute the claims in a way that won’t work against you. These people are trying to appeal to your guilt and sense of obligation…. they can’t prove relation through genetic testing and all they have are a few undated photos and a diary that could very easily be fabricated. Don’t let them convince you that you’re obligated to go along with this.

2\. I’ll be the first to admit your DNA is special, and I’m sure you’re wondering if it’s not more identifiable than natural DNA, but boy oh boy is that serum related shit ever proprietary. There is a possibility that S.H.I.E.L.D. would be willing to do the testing for you, but it won’t make any difference to the public if the test happens behind closed doors. If it’s negative the family will certainly question the integrity of the test. If that’s what it takes to make you feel better about it, pursue it, but I can’t imagine inconclusive results will help you work through your shit on this topic.

3\. When I get back we’re going through the creepy Cap shrine and look for anything dated throughout the USO tour. Dad had a lot there, there’s a chance we could find something that definitively places you somewhere else during the window this supposed child was conceived. There also might be evidence that Maddy was seeing someone else at the time – if that kiddo isn’t yours, he had to come from somewhere.

I miss you. Iceland was dark. Norway was full of snow. California is horrible. I’m coming home early; don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get there.

T


	373. One hell of a world

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: you talk about your tool enough for the both of us

T – 

I'm not sure "intrigued" was the word I'd use for the expression on Cap's face, thanks. I can't believe you think I'd bring him out for a drink with us - I'm hardly going to let you keep sharpening your claws on what's left of my dignity.... but I'll pass the dates on to ye olde PA, see what she spits out.

The thing about Steve is he's a genuinely good person - the likes of which I've never met before. He makes me want to be a better person than I am - I mean, he's got this way about him that makes even a dickhead like me want to be a team player. He's so good that even when you know he's wrong you _want_ him to be right, just because the kind of world in which he's right would be one hell of a world.

I know you're rolling your eyes and blaming my teenage fixation, but that was twenty years ago. This guy is the real deal.

I spoke to him about your offer and he told me his publicist has exclusive offers from a handful of other networks, but she's advising him to pass - an exclusive draws too much attention. Better to let this woman blow herself out over the dropped suit until the next big story comes along.

T


	374. A Real Spitfire

Tony,

Thanks for coming home. I really needed that. And thanks for listening to me and Becky chat about art stuff all through lunch. I don't get to do things like that very often, just talk about art like it's the most important thing in the world. Sometimes art should be the most important thing in the world. 

I know you said not to put some of these things in writing, but I'm limiting this to paper, giving it to you, and you can put it in the shredder when you're done. 

There's not going to be anything that places me anywhere else. When we were traveling, it really was just me and the girls. And Bob, the guy who played Hitler. It would be entirely disingenuous for me to try to place myself somewhere else, because everything she says is entirely possible.

I know Maddy. Knew her, I guess. It's still unnerving to think all these people I just saw, well, a few years ago, that they're all dead now. It's the same kind of shock you get when you find out somebody young has passed on, only it's repeated like a barrage. I woke up after crashing that plane and Bucky had been killed two days earlier, for me. You know Bucky died before Fury was born? That's perspective for you. 

Anyway, she was a real spitfire, which I didn't realize until it was too late. I didn't get her kicked out of the cast; I wouldn't have done that, but she did cut off one of the other girls' hair while she slept and dumped her things in the toilet. Management sacked her. I told you about that once. ~~I just didn't think she was the kind of lady who'd~~

I didn't have any idea what she wanted from me. I had been mooning after Peggy, but Peggy was in Europe, I couldn't seem to get letters through, and I just sort of gave up on that, figured I'd never see her again. I realized later the folks that had me doing the whole dog-and-pony show didn't want the SSR knowing how they were wasting their scientific trophy; I don't think those letters ever made it to a post office.

But Maddy was cheerful and friendly, and she seemed to be tough as nails, and she kept telling me everything was all in good fun, and I took her at her word. Maybe I shouldn't have been using Bucky as a model for how to treat ladies, but I took her and her friend down to Coney Island one night when we were back in New York, and I somehow ended up holding hands with both of them, and next thing I knew, all hell had broken loose. Not when I was there. It was a couple days later. If I'd known something was wrong, I would have tried to deal with it. But I didn't hear anything until after she'd been let go.

I guess the point is, there's enough of a question in my mind. That's all you've got to know.

What I'm trying to understand is if they can't sue, why it's so bad to meet them? I know they could have tried to get in touch some other way, but maybe they didn't know what else to do, maybe some lawyer found them and told them to do that. Whatever else she says, she's right, you know, this isn't how Captain America would do things. It can't hurt to go shake somebody's hand and take a few pictures, can it? 

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. 

Anyway, thanks again for being here. I know you're busy. You didn't have to do this. 

Steve


	375. Too busy for you

Steve,

I will never be too busy for you. ~~I lo~~

Sorry to leave you tonight - I was having trouble sleeping (despite the fact that I have the toastiest boyfriend in existence) so I wormed out from under your arms and came down to hammer away at something in the lab. ~~I can’t stop thinking about~~ I really have this chorus girl stuck in my brain. I feel like there has to be a way to get more information than we've got.

I know you know there's a hard science behind babies... We're not talking about holding hands at Coney Island here. I'm trusting that you did the math; the average human gestational period is 40 weeks... but even so, you weren't the only guy on that tour. Was she friendly with the other staff? Was it literally just HItler? Because we could totally have a Boys from Brazil situation going on here.

You're not looking at this the wrong way... I'm not sure there is a right or wrong way. All I know is that if you give this person what she wants via publicity and/or money, there will be other people that copycat her plan in order to make a buck, sell a story, or get to meet Captain America. Worse, if she's being put up to this by someone with an axe to grind, meeting her gives them an opportunity to directly affect your actions.

Don’t you think it’s weird that this chorus girl made no claims while you were newly-dead? You were a celebrity. You were a war hero. You had an estate, she could have tried to claim those things for her son but he never did. Instead she chose to raise an illegitimate baby by herself, then suddenly you show up and move into a Manhattan skyscraper and poof, there her granddaughter is asking for closure? Why now and not when you were first uncovered? I know gold digger when I smell it, Steve, and this situation fucking stinks.

At the end of the day Captain America’s reputation doesn’t matter one fucking bit to me – _you_ are my concern. Captain America didn’t hook up with his chorus girls, Steve Rogers did – and that is perfectly okay and normal and jesus, those hats were adorable, well done there. I'm worried that if you go to meet these people they'll take advantage of you and your feelings.

So... if you insist on meeting them, you have to do it smart. Don’t go alone, don't make it public knowledge, maybe even have them sign disclosure agreements before you sit down. I'll go with you, if you want.

T


	376. Tiny Shields

T--

Don't worry about this morning. The heat was cranked up so high, I'm not sure if you mean the toasty part literally or figuratively or both-- but of course I understand about sleeping. Just make sure you get some rest later; I know you were up late, too. How's the work on JARVIS going? 

I think I want to meet them. The way I see it, no harm done if they're not relations, and if they are, you know how much I'd regret it if I had family never met?

I don't care about the lawsuit or the publicity. It's just that there might be people who are my own flesh and blood here, alive. And you know I don't have too many connections to people here. 

What if this is actually my granddaughter? What if those kids are actually my great-grandchildren? I've been trying not to look at the news, but I checked the mail this morning and someone sent photos of the kids to the house. I know I should throw them away; I can't bring myself to do it. They have tiny shields, Tony. There are these little kids who look like me and nothing their parents decided to do is their fault. 

Nobody's said anything about their grandfather being sick. You'd think it would have come up if he was. And he was able to get married and have kids and have a normal life. I know-- I know they're not _mine_ , but I've lost everybody else. This is something I could get back.

You of all people know that I'm not as squeaky-clean in that regard as my public image might suggest. I'm tired of people cracking the "how babies are made" jokes; can you please lay off? I'm not an idiot; I did the math.

Maddy was not just some chorus girl; we were friends, and I thought we were good friends. It wasn't so different with her from Becky, or even you, in the beginning. I liked her, and she wasn't shy about liking me back. I thought she liked me well enough she would have told me when she left if she'd known

But then I wonder what I would have done if she had.

Things were different then, it might have been hard enough raising a kid on her own. Catholics were tough on unwed mothers, I was dead, as far as anyone knew. and there wasn't DNA testing back then. It would have been her word against the reputation of Captain America, the golden boy who saved the world from HYDRA. She would have been buried by folks who wanted to make an example of her. It might not make sense to you, but it makes a hell of a lot of sense to me, and I just keep thinking about Maddy raising a baby alone.

\--S

PS I looked up that Boys From Brazil thing, and I don't think we're going to be watching that one. I couldn't say, Tony. There was the show management, and the stage crew, but a lot of them were women, too. But I don't know, and it was Maddy's business, so it's not something I asked.


	377. Better company

Steve – 

Maybe I really can't understand what you’re feeling... I've always been shit at finding the right thing to say, and you feel more strongly about family than I ever have – my response to worthless family members was to distance myself, not embrace them.

I want to fix this for you and I can’t and it’s pissing me off. I wasn’t trying to make you feel worse. 

No improvements with J - same old, same old, but the armor's almost back to 100% and I'm healing up, so as soon as that's done I'm gonna hit Fury up about being reinstated to active duty. It's about time, though I'm not sure how Becky will feel about penciling in one-way-wormhole-trips between my society functions and board meetings. We'll see.

...

I just received a last minute call a few minutes ago, they’re sending my to DC for a few hours before the next California trip. They're asking me to leave tomorrow morning instead of tomorrow night, and I feel like I should considering I blew off several project meetings when I flew back early. I was supposed to go to a charity clean up with Ana in the morning – do you care if I send Moose with her instead? He’s probably better company.

Sorry to leave you again – but maybe it’ll do you good to have a break from my bitching.

T


	378. Rare celestial phenomenon

T--

I know you mean to help; I'm sorry I was terse. Let me make it up to you. 

If you're going away in the morning, I'll come with you for the weekend. Say I'm coming as a SHIELD rep to test some new prototype-- whatever you're currently working on; how's that? Moose can stay with Banner and Natasha for a couple of days; they've offered before. I know Natasha likes the dog. 

In my official capacity, it'll be good to have you back on the team. SHIELD has really only assigned some smaller cut-and-dry missions to me, Natasha, and Barton since Natasha's been reinstated, but having the additional aerial support will be useful if we need it, especially since Thor is taking Jane away to watch some extremely rare celestial phenomenon on a distant planet for Valentine's Day. (We explained Valentine's Day to him. Then it turned out Jane didn't even realize it was coming up-- she'd forgotten what month it was.) 

I'll pack an overnight bag. I don't mind if you're busy most of the time. 

\--S


	379. My reputation precedes me

**{SHIELDTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - 40.825704, -73.885059 BRONX, NY, 10472]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[chatter]

[footsteps]

[birds twittering]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yeah, it’s fine...Moose is behaving himself, I talked to some reporters, it’s all good...

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown:** Alright, people! Water stations are set up at the central pavillion, we still have a few sets of gloves left if you need a different size! We have … oh, no, the last grabby-hand picker up just got nagged, enjoy that, sir…. Okay! Let’s get to it, people! 

[applause]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Listen, they’re starting...I’ll be home in time for dinner. Yes. Cleaning up litter deserves pasta. Mmmm. Pesto, please. 

[smooching]

Later. 

[footsteps, chatter]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuflling, footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Okay...yeah, yes, Moose, something smells delicious that way, I’m sure…

[footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey there, stranger.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [startled footsteps, growling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey! Hey… woah there, poochy… didn’t mean to spook you, big boy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] Moose. Moose. 

[patting]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [whining]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Sorry. You startled him. [laugh] You startled me. You..I met you at...give me a second…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** The charity gala. Anamarina, yes? Tiberius Stone. 

[kiss]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh. Yes! Tony’s friend. Please, just Ana. You’re the reason I barely got to dance with my boyfriend, thank you for that. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Mmm, you’re very welcome. 

[chuckle]

Please, my dear, give credit where credit is due. Tony has a way of capturing the attention of everyone in a room.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [throat clearing] Mr. Stone? My hand, please. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Of course.

I saw Stark Industries’ donation to this afternoon’s clean-up and thought your boyfriend might make an appearance.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] I thought you’d known Tony forever-- you must know he always comes up with an excuse to shimmy out of this sort of thing. The new StarkPad is taking up all of his time; he's gone to DC--or was it Chicago? I don't remember. And then he'll be on the West Coast. 

[sigh] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** He can be terribly hard to get ahold of, for certain. In my experience he’s never been very good at balancing business with pleasure.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Really? I find quite the opposite. He invited me to go, but I can't be bothered with all that jetting around. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I’m sure anyone would make time for a prize like you.

Is this your dog?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re too kind. This is actually Steve’s dog. You remember Steve, I assume? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** How could I forget Steve? He makes quite an impression. Tony seems quite taken with him.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony’s still embarrassed he spent his entire childhood reading comic books about the poor boy. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Childhood? He had boxes in his closet at MIT. I haven’t seen him blush so red in years.

I’d be happy to offer up my services as escort. It’s a shame for someone as lovely as you to be out here alone.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, thank you for the offer, but I’m not sure how Tony would feel about that. He _warned_ me about you, you know. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** My reputation precedes me, as usual. I can’t imagine him saying anything good.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Come, now, you don’t think I’m going to blab on my boyfriend, do you? Why don’t you tell me what you _think_ he said?

[footsteps, paper crumping]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That I’m so charming I could sell shoes to a snake?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not sure charm was precisely the word he used. 

[snort] 

He did say something about you habitually trying to steal his girlfriends. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** There were a few boyfriends in there, too. The question you should be asking yourself is _why was it so easy?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He said _try_ , not _succeed_. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** If I never succeeded, would he be angry?

Another question might be “Why does Tony Stark consistently date flighty people who don’t deserve him?” 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, so you’re testing their fidelity? Out of the goodness of your heart? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Tony has never been very good at taking care of himself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He seems to be doing a fine job of it these days. 

Why don’t you tell me why you drop in unannounced on events Tony might be attending? 

[footsteps]

[rustling]

[claws on leaves]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Viastone is the largest donor to this little get together, and it’s an ideal photo op -- blue skies, fresh air, like-minded company… 

Here, drop that in the bag.

[rustling]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling, snorting, chewing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, the _largest_ , hmm? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Always. [chuckle]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is that why Tony’s afraid of you? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Afraid? That’s not the word I would use.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is that so? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Mmm.

So how did you meet Tony? I hadn’t heard him talk about you until New Years. It’s a shame you didn’t have a chance to enjoy the view from my building. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** From what I understood, you didn’t hear him talk about _much_ before New Year’s, no? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** We had a bit of a falling out a few years back. He did me wrong, Ana -- but forgive, forget, you know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And here I assumed you stole one girlfriend too many. I’m pleased to hear you’re back on friendly terms. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Not as pleased as me. He looked great at the gala -- happy, healthy… This Avengers business must be good for him.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He _always_ looks great. It’s...I don’t really know what I think of it; it certainly puts us in contact with some unusual people. But he seems to enjoy it. It gives him purpose, you know. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** And it’s something other than iron mongering. I never appreciated his previous calling.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, I only knew him from the news, then, but he was...well. He was one of the reasons the rest of us don’t like you Americans much.

[laugh] If Tony’s mid-life crisis means he becomes a superhero and starts dating me, I’m not going to complain. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I wouldn’t, either.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you...went to high school together? I must confess complete ignorance of your existence until the gala…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Prep school and MIT. We lived together for a year in college, well. Until his photo scandal blew up. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Photo scandal? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** It was a long time ago - before your time, I’d say. 

If you and Tony met last year … does that make you the mystery woman that ended his relationship with Miss Potts? I knew her _quite_ well. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Nosy, aren’t we? I know when to keep my mouth shut in front of a man who owns a multinational media corporation. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t misunderstand me - my curiosity comes from a place of concern for Tony’s well-being, as well as my friendship with Miss Potts.

I don’t mean any harm my dear, I assure you any conversation between us has no place in any of my publications. I think you’ll find me very discreet.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Then you must know Tony wouldn’t do something like that. That relationship ended of its own accord. 

[crumple, rustle] 

Here. Trash. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckles] I see. Maybe he’s finally growing up, then - old habits die hard. That sounds too good to be true.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Maybe I’m not that sort of girl, then. But no. We didn’t get involved until December. If you must know.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Watch your step -- here, let me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mr. Stone, I _have_ walked over puddles before. Not to say you aren’t gracious. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Tony’s not the lay-down-his-coat type? Shame. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony’s taste in coats is too good to waste them on puddles. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** It’s hardly “wasted” if it’s on your behalf. [footsteps]

[paper crumpling, rustling]

I might ring my PA and see if he’ll bring coffee over. Would you like something?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, thank you. Latte, skim, no sugar? Mr. Stone, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were flirting with me. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [tapping, typing] What’s a little flirtation between friends?

I have a vested interest in anyone who has captured Tony’s attention.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are we friends now? Do you? What’s your vested interest?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Concern - didn’t I already cover that?

Ana, I understand that you may not know Tony as well as I do, but he … tends to become overly wrapped-up in his romantic attachments. His break-up with Pepper was messy - I discouraged my own media outlets from drawing unnecessary attention to it, of course, but there is only so much I can do. 

I want to feel confident you won’t leave him in a similar state.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you’re the self-appointed gatekeeper of all Tony’s entanglements? Does he know this? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** “Entanglements?” You make it sound so sinister.

I certainly don’t; but a we were fortuitous enough to run across one another I thought I’d seize the day.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m sure he’ll be very happy to know he has a knight in shining armor. Well, metaphorical armor. He doesn’t need any more literal armor.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [laughs]

Tell him to call me, would you? We could all three go out for drinks sometime. [rustling, footsteps]

[cans clinking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you think he’d listen to me when he hasn’t called you of his own accord? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt - he’s a very busy man. He’s e-mailing me at least, sometimes I don’t even warrant that. It’s a shameful way to treat your oldest friend.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I thought we were letting bygones be bygones? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** We are -- we are. 

I’ve missed him.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] 

Well, like I said, he’s in California a lot of the week these days, but…

I’ll see what I can do. You might owe me one, though.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What, the promise of a drink with two billionaire tycoons isn’t enough? I could buy you something shiny.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is that in Tony’s best interest? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Would I pursue anything that wasn’t?

[footsteps]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown.002:** Mr Stone, your espresso, and a skim latte… and another trash bag. I’ll take this in, then?

[rustling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Thank you, James. Ana. Be careful, it’s very hot.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you; I can tell. Mmm. I don’t suppose you could put a nice little mention about this event in the news? I know it’s not a Tony Stark photo opportunity, but...I think he’d be pleased to see his money well-spent.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** The clean-up, you mean?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course. What else would I mean? And I’ll prod him about drinks.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckle] I think the two of us in one place warrants at least a spot on page 6. 

But I can certainly see to your needs in that regard. You’ll find me quite obliging when circumstances warrant it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you. This...having cameras in my face; it’s all new to me. I can’t wear sweatpants anymore. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t let them dictate your behavior. You never know, your choice of sweatpants could spur a trend. 

How’s the latte?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Delicious, thank you. So far the only thing my choice of sweatpants has spurred is pregnancy speculation. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [laughter] That will happen, too. I don’t think you need to worry about that where Tony Stark is involved, though. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...Oh?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh -- mm. He didn’t say…?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Say what? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Well. There’s a reason none of his paternity lawsuits have gotten off the ground. Children are, shall we say... statistically unlikely for him.

I hope that’s not something you mind hearing?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...Did Tony tell you that? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Well… _yes_. How else could I know?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Given your...position...I would assume you hear some very interesting rumors.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Please. I don’t concern myself so intimately with the affairs of my business; I share that focus for my friends.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well. I suppose we can cross that bridge when we come to it. Tony clearly tells you a lot...it makes me wonder why he never mentioned you, really. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** How fortunate that we two were able to correct his oversight.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Certainly. It’s been _so nice_ to chat with you. I’ll tell Tony we must have a drink. Have you been to the Tower yet? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Not yet - Tony seems to be having trouble getting and keeping it up. 

[sipping]

Have they finished the post New Years repairs yet?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, but those are limited to just a few floors. Maybe I can convince Tony to give you a tour.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That would be divine, my dear.

[buzzing]

I’m sorry -- I should take this call.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No apologies necessary-- I’ll be seeing you around, Mr. Stone.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I certainly hope so, Ana.

[footsteps]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snort]

{{Transmitting…… }}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! In case you haven't seen it, [Jekyll & Charlotte](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1288582/chapters/2671708%22), Tea's 1796 Broadway prequel fic, is now complete. 
> 
> It clocks in at about 78,000 words, is written in more typical third-person limited prose, and is Natasha-centric. It covers the period during Iron Man 3, explains why things in the Tower were so strained at the beginning of 1796 Broadway, and has some clues to the current 1796 Broadway plot. Hope you enjoy it!!!


	380. I know how you feel about Mondays

Pep-sicola –

You like that? I thought it was a good one. Figured you might needs some cheering up on this dreary Monday morning, I know how you feel about Mondays.

Are so are you sick of teenagers yet? Okay, okay, most college students aren’t actually teenagers. I was definitely the only person in my class still going through puberty. STILL.

I’m hoping the radio silence for the last two weeks is a good sign – I figured you’d be super busy figuring out the lecture schedule thing, so I didn’t want to bother you. Things here are pretty awesome; Steve started work on the 10th… he’s not super into it, but at least it gives him something to do. Becky has taken to the PA thing like a fish to water – seriously, this girl has a versatile fucking skill set, and for once I mean that with absolutely zero sexual connotations. We absolutely knocked out that charity gala the week before last, by the way – 8% bump from last year. I meant to mention that in my last e-mail and failed to do so.

If you’ve seen the news lately you may have noticed Steve’s having a little trouble in celebrity paradise – he’s just had his first paternity suit leveled at him. He doesn’t seem to have any real understanding of how litigious America has become in the last seventy years – and what’s worse, he seems to feel a real sense of duty towards these people, whether or not they’re provably his relations. 

I keep thinking back to how great you were during my first real paternity scare and trying to be that kind of solid, helpful presence for Steve… but I don’t really think it’s working.

No real progress on the JARVIS front, but I can’t seem to make myself give up on him. I did finish the modifications on the OS for the tablets and just restarted the pre-release testing process. We’re hoping to go to market by St. Paddy’s day – if we can make that release date we’ll only have lost a month after the snafu at New Years.

Speaking of releases, I have something new in the works...if you have a chance, do some brainstorming on practical applications outside body armor... I mean, I'm not opposed to body armor as a rule, but maybe something a little more in keeping with our new image? I'm working with a gold-based cloth version of my nylon undersuit -- something embedded with more micro-sensors and haptic optionals. It's pretty cool thus far, and makes my ass look PHENOMENAL. Gold is so my color. I think it might have some VR applications, or maybe long-distance surgical elements? It's also pretty stretchy... I'm thinking about making Bruce some shiny gold just-in-case boxers. I bet Nat would thank me. 

I’m sure you’re rockin’ Philly – go eat an Underdog sausage for me.

T

PS Be gentle with the package that’s getting delivered this afternoon – it’s just a little something for your new digs, but it’s a little on the fragile side.


	381. The reason I stopped calling

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: (no subject)

T – 

Did you really buy an entire table at the Foundation gala and spend an evening dipping me on the dance floor and waxing nostalgic about our friendship only to go and fucking proposition my girlfriend at the first available opportunity? You fucking stalked her at a charity function, followed her through the park alone, and spilled dirt about my personal life and medical history. I'd ask you what the fuck is happening in your head but I don't actually want to fucking know.

I adore Ana, she's fucking good for me, she's healthy and gorgeous and incredible at what she does - and you fucking dropped my sperm count into the second conversation you've ever had with her. You're such a complete prick - I should never have e-mailed you about new years. 

This is the reason I stopped calling, Ty. It wasn't because of the exes or the kidnapping or the Iron Man shit, it was because you're an empty hearted arrogant dickbag who treats people around you like a disposable commodity and then stands there looking confused when they're no longer willing to put up with your shit. Actions have consequences - stay the fuck away from my friends and kiss my ass goodbye.

T


	382. Gauzy red and pale butter

Becky – 

Listen, Valentine’s Day is coming up and Steve is still in a funk over this paternity suit bullshit so I wanna do something special for him. I need you do order the following:

  * Three scents of body oil
  * Aromatherapy dishy-thingie that heats up oil and makes it smell
  * Fancy bullshit green tea
  * Root beer????
  * A deluxe massage table, something comfy with red sheeting. Maybe something by AEQUUM, I have one of those in the yacht and it's pretty good.  

  * Some kind of stone fountain, no bigger than 4 feet wide
  * Potted bamboo, but like… seven or eight feet tall
  * 50 beeswax candles in gold
  * A shitton of rose petals
  * New lighting fixtures, I was thinking some paper lanterns things



I also need an interior decorator who can get a remodel on the the master bedroom’s en suite study done by Friday, never work after four pm, and fucking remember to lock the door so Steve doesn’t wander in on it all. I’m thinking lots of gauzy red and pale butter... or else like, green maybe? The bedroom's already done in Iron Man colors so maybe green is better. I don't know. Maybe put in some bamboo floors or something. I'm also having the outdoor jacuzzi in the private garden redone to look more like a Japanese bath - rough stone edges and stuff. Friday might be ambitious for that, though.

Tony


	383. Cupid

Oh boy, buddy, are you seriously having your boyfriend's ex plan your Valentine's Day surprise? Crazy, baby.

First off, you know this is utterly insane, right? Remodeling a room for Valentine's Day? You've got to be the craziest billionaire ever. But whatever, I'm gonna pretend it's an art installation. It'll be sweet.

Few questions:

\--Koi for the pond?  
\--What scents of oil do you want? Like, if I get things Steve likes it's gonna be gross, like root beer and bubblegum and shit.  
\--Rose petals? Are you serious? That's some girly shit, plus, it doesn't go with your fakey-zen thing you're doing. I mean, either do the fakey zen thing to the extreme and get lotus blossoms, or do stuff Steve will get a kick out and flood the room with paper hearts with dirty sayings that'll make him blush. Also, you need, like, donuts and ice cream, why the fuck is there green tea on here? Steve doesn't need antioxidants! He needs calories!  
\--That's the room Steve installed the surround sound in, right? Do you need some nature sounds bullshit to play? I actually looked around Spotify and Youtube for you, go me, I am the best PA, getting my boss and my ex laid for Valentine's Day; you're welcome. Here are the links:

[Tibetan Music for Relaxation](http://open.spotify.com/album/5e8MizVdPkcoMW5p3O5WMr)

[Ultimate Guitar Music For Massage](http://open.spotify.com/album/4W1bWTpel1Bo49VkiRmuOt)

[Chakra-Balancing Music](http://open.spotify.com/album/67WupSDUnM3BXK1AdiILa3) SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS SHIT. DO PEOPLE DO THIS.

[Eight Hours of Relaxing Music](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrx1vyvtRLY) Uggggggh way too many of these have water sounds, and those just make you have to pee.

Okay okay one more: [Relaxation Medley For Concentration](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

\--I hope you're planning on buying him presents in addition to giving him some tripped out sexy massage. I know you've seen his, like, tiny drawer of belongings. He needs some stuff. And he won't buy anything for himself, so you have to do it for him. I had to fucking buy him an umbrella when we were dating, he was all, "well, you know, I can't get sick so it's okay to come home sopping wet and umbrellas just break." So, yeah, buy him some shit. If you want me to just use my judgment, I can.

Okay, I think we're good. I'm sending you a bunch of shit I need digital signatures on, sign the fuck out of them and get them back to me by 8.

\--Cupid

P.S. Hey, as long as we're on the subject, re: Valentine's Day, it's a Friday, so I'd like to take the day off if I can, and would you mind helping me do something crazy awesome for Clint? Like, not remodeling rooms crazy awesome but, like, do you mind if I namedrop to get us an amazing table at somewhere with giant steaks, like Delmonico's or BLT or the Palm or something? And can we use the Soho place?


	384. For good measure

Beckilicious – 

Actually the "tripped out" massage is all I have planned – I’m kind of a badass at massages, I was trying to get into the pants of this private high-dollar massage therapist, see, he had an ass chiseled by the gods and the most amazing hands. I took classes for weeks (WEEKS. I was very dedicated – Pepper used the word ‘fixated’….) and paid for a session to “practice” on him.

_So worth it._

But I mean, I gave Steve his first foot massage and it was super hot; surely this is something he’ll like? Because the only thing I’ve ever acquired for him that he didn't harass me about spending money on was the damn dog, and I’m so not buying another one of those. I’d need to buy another mansion just for the square footage.

Do you really think he needs gifts, too? Maybe I'll order him a few more suits. Or... do you think he'd like more art supplies? I've been toying with the idea of putting a drawing nook or something in the library I don't know about the lighting. Can you look into a vintage easel? Or... maybe like a set of luggage? He travels a ton for SHIELD ops, but when he came with me to DC the other day he shoved everything he owned into his work-issued duffel bag and went for it. Maybe that's something practical enough that he wouldn't get pissed.

On the oil – uh, I don’t know, lavender? Sandlewood? Not sweet, I’m not into sweet.  
Do koi have to be fed? If so, no koi.  
Do lotus blossoms then, idgaf – get white ones though, not pink. And put some in the fountain.  
Yes to all the music, minimize the pee-inducement please, and NO ENYA. I repeat, **NO ENYA**.

I figure it’ll be nice to have a relaxation room. I’m building Nat one too – but I think that was already in the works before we hired you, so other than potentially using the same contractor you can ignore that construction project. You know - someplace quiet and private and warm and shit, I don’t know. We may not even be living here permanently as the tower repairs are in full swing, but I feel like Steve has been happier since we moved out here, so maybe so. 

Sent the docs back. Go to bed. You shouldn’t be working this late, you crazy woman.

T

PS Yes on all counts with Clint, name-drop away. I think everyone's going to be out that weekend - I can't wait to walk around my own house naked again. Best Valentine's Day present _ever._

There’s a spare set of keys for the condo in the utility drawer in the kitchen, feel free to use away. Just have the cleaning service come in when you’re done so Pep can crash there next time she's in town.


	385. Won't Stand You Up at the Last Minute

Ray,

I know this is a little last minute, but if you're still not busy for Valentine's Day, would you like to watch Moose for the night? Tony's still banging his head over his broken AI, so I want to do something special for him, and no one else is going to be home. I'll pay you, of course, and give you cash to take yourself out to dinner. Every pretty girl should have a Valentine's Day date, and I can promise you this one will cuddle and won't stand you up at the last minute. He snores, drools, and is a little smelly, but after my time in the army, I can guarantee that most men fit that description. I'll bring him in when I come to work; you can bring him back the next day , whenever's convenient.

Thanks once again; you're a lifesaver.

Steve.


	386. Box of Chocolates

Steve,

Throw in a box of chocolates and a dozen red roses and I'm totally down.

Ciao,

Ray


	387. Destroyed the Hard Copies

Mme.:

I've confirmed the presence and the location of the controller at the Stark Mansion.

I haven't been able to locate Howard Stark's notes re: the crown or the controller. Stark's digitized a lot of his father's work and destroyed the hard copies. Since JARVIS was compromised, there is no way to access that data. I'll keep looking. My cover is still secure.

There are a lot of people moving in and out of that house with unpredictable schedules. I'm going to recommend we not move on the house until at sometime after the 20th of February, and I shouldn't be anywhere near there-- too much risk of recognition.

\--Diamond


	388. America's Dream Team

from: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
Subject: Hey Hunkguy

Apparently the gossip rags think I'm CEO material - HOT!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX.

Becky

P.S. Have a safe trip home! Come meet me at the Soho place; Pinkie Pie and I have a surprise for you.

 

**Visions of V-Day**

It’s that time again – time for your (semi) daily Avengers update! We know you're probably sick of hearing about America's Dream Team, but something's always going on and we'd hate to leave you in the dark. 

We caught up with Tony Stark, flanked by chauffeur and his new gorgeous, clipboard-wielding personal assistant 2.0 (no word on whether or not this pretty brunette is eyeing the recently-kind-of-sort-of-vacated CEO spot) outside a New York bistro. Stark is currently filling in for Ms. Pepper Potts, who is apparently off on sabbatical. We all guessed it might be rehab... but it turns out she's trying her hand at teaching business classes. No doubt she'll be a fabulous role model for all the young women over at Wharton. 

When asked about his Valentine’s Day, Stark laughed and asked photogs to guess the cost of the champagne he and lady-love Anamarina would be drinking – if you guessed five digits you would be correct. Apparently the Stark family mansion is being designed as a Love Nest of epic proportions… A pair of anonymous eyes over at Belle Fleur, fifth avenue designer florist reports that over two hundred lotus blossoms have been ordered for delivery under one of Mr. Stark’s favorite pseudonyms, Hugh G. Dick (we see what you did there, Tony! We love you anyway.).

We also took the time to enquire after Captain Rogers, America’s golden boy gone bad, currently under fire from every direction regarding his recently dismissed paternity lawsuit. 

“Two words for you – “ Stark shoved a finger in a camera and smirked. “Gold. Diggers. And I _know_ you all know what my lawyers do to gold diggers.”

No word on whether Steve Rogers has any plans with his apparently on-again-off-again squeeze Pepper Potts. Or maybe half of those two hundred forty lotus blossoms are for her!


	389. Why you shouldn't wear pants

**{STARKTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[Location ID=STARKMANSION LVL 1-E-wing]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[footsteps] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? If you set up a trail of notes there’s supposed to be something at the--oh. 

[thump] 

[paper crumpling] 

“Welcome home. Now stri--” _Tony_. 

[laughter]

Fine. 

[fabric rustling]

Are you recording this? You’d better not be recording this. 

[unzip]

Do you even want to know what I was planning? Or is that out of the question now? 

[fabric rustling]

I’m saying. In case you’re recording this. 

[thump] 

What would you do if I put allllll my clothes back oo-on? 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Cry, because you’re ruining my beautifully set mood! Do you know how long it took to light all those candles? _Steve._ Don’t ruin my mood.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How come I’m stripping when you’re wearing pants? Whose present is this? 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can’t you read? There were very… clear… instructions.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know I’m better at giving orders than taking them. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Happy Valentine’s Day, now don’t be a dick. Lay down. I promise it’ll be worth it… 

[inaudible]

I’d been wanting to do this for a while, but we’re both so busy these days...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Do...what? The room looks nice. 

[movement]

For your information, I was going to sear a giant porterhouse, stuff it with gorgonzola, sit in your lap and feed it to you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Acceptable. But after. If you liked the foot massages you’re going to love the full-body experience…

Lavender or sandalwood? Mmm. Or myrrh. 

[bottles shuffling] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...have no idea what any of those smell like. Well. I know lavender. Let’s...not do lavender. 

[fabric rumpling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sandalwood, then.

[bottle popping]

[squirting, slick sliding]

Mmm. Lay down on the table, on your stomach.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter]

[inaudible] 

This may be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done. 

[movement] 

And I apparently wrestled a submarine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not ridiculous, it’s luxurious - and romantic, maybe. Are you seriously complaining about a full body massage provided by a sexy billionaire? You’re fucking hard to shop for.

[warm, slippery sounds]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not _complaining_ , I...mmm...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just let me work this into your skin…. and you get a, uh, aromatherapy thingy. Here. Inhale a few times.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hmm. All right. [deep breathing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [bowl on floor]

[rubbing]

I wanted you to relax, after a long day at work. I feel kind of like a housewife or something, poking around here all day until you get home. Maybe I should start doing laundry or something. I’m pretty sure I own a washing machine.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You do. I’ve used it. Frequently.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Figures. 

[groaning]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hmm. Whose present is this, again? I have the most brilliant man in the world as a housewife. That’s incredibly sexy, when you put it that way. Aren’t you up to your ears in CEO-ing?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course. Back to Cali on Sunday, I’m afraid.

I took the afternoon off to light a hundred odd beeswax candles to set the _mood_ \- and you barged in here like a bull in a china shop.

[kissing] Mwah. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You like the way I barge. The room’s...it’s nice. There’s a pond. Inside. With lilies. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Guilty as charged. I mean, it was supposed to be all sexy and mysterious, and now it just feels dorky and a little over the top...

But I guess that’s kind of how you’d describe me, so as long as you enjoy it, I’m happy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It _is_ dorky and over-the-top. I would have been happy with just you, you know that. But then again...I guess this _is_ just you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Now you’re gettin’ it.

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmmmfff. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re… actually kind of tense here. Must be all the leaning over keyboards, workin’ hard for the money...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Oh_. Ow. Ahhhh….

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, I wasn’t sure if super-soldiers could get knots. I would have felt silly, building a massage-slash-yoga-room into the house if you didn’t ever need backrubs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I might still---ngh--- want them. Forget might. Definitely. God, how did you learn to do that? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I told you I took private lessons. You’re … tense, actually. Is that a serum thing, I wonder? Body always at the ready. 

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ahhhhh...mmmmffffff…I think it’s just been a long week. I still...mmm…never done this before. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Gluteus medius, gluteus minimus…_ this should release...

[shuffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groaning]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How do you like the job? I - shit, don’t tense up, I’m trying to work here! We don’t have to talk about SI.

Work isn’t all that sexy, is it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Well, _your_ work apparently is. Do I get to ask you to do this again?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course, Steve.

Any excuse to get my hands on you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmmm...You say that like you need an excuse. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Makes me feel better about the whole robbing-the-cradle thing, Steve. It’s not all about you, jeez.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Robbing the cradle? Do you know I’m already getting AARP offers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- you wouldn’t. Not when you won’t let me buy your _dinners._ [chuckling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, but it might explain why my back is so messed up. Do you know how old these bones are? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmm. Booooone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right, I think if we’re going by mental maturity I’m definitely robbing the cradle. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Perv.

[smooches]

[groaning]

I … I think I’ll leave scalp massage for another day. [smooch] Though you’d look adorable with your hair poking every which way, all oily and rumpled.

I love you oily and rumpled.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Am I allowed to move my arms? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sure. I was gonna do your hands - I love hand massages. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [ruffling] There. 

That’s all. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… love your hair, ugh, how are you this perfect? Christ.

[swatting] Alright, mister. Roll over. I wanna do your front half.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hm. 

[movement] 

Come here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re -- you’re suppose to be laying down, soldier. 

[footsteps]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I’m being insubordinate.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- I worked very hard to plan this! Ungrateful. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What! Pinching? Come. Here. [inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

[oily slipping]

You’ll stretch my… mmm, ha --

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [movement] 

That’s obviously why you shouldn’t wear pants. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You could fix that little miscalculation…

[footsteps]

[thump]

Ah, shit -- !!

[flailing]

[splashing]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, god! Tony! Ah-- watch the Starkp--

[zzzzzzt]

**{STARKTECH MONITORING SYSTEM OFFLINE}**


	390. Arms full of naked billionaire

**{STARKTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ACTIVE}**

[bzzzt]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, hey! God, nearly waterproof, too. I _am_ a genius.

A soaking wet miserable failure of a boyfriend genius, but yeah. [tapping] Genius.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You are a soaking wet _perfect_ boyfriend genius. [smooch] It started up? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Don’t smooch me -- don’t tease.

I’m sorry. I meant to make up for how shitty New Years was with an amazing massage and some mind-blowing body-oil slathered sex, but instead i went tits over teakettle into a pond filled with very expensive lotus blossoms and accidentally set the curtains on fire with a thousand stupid candles.

[sigh]

[hoisting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not teasing; let me kiss you properly. I can always drag you to the shower and then start over. And the flames were very romantic.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not the same. 

Bah.

[inaudible]

I guess this is okay, too. I don’t ever get to make out with you on the kitchen counter, the others are always around.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Well, I don’t think we’d ever hear the end of it if Clint knew we were naked in the kitchen. No one else is home; I’m sure we could think of some other places, too. Here, how’s your knee? Let me get you some ice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** My hero.

[fridge door opening, ice rattling]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

[smooching] 

[smooching] 

Better?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still aches a little higher, why don’t you kiss … yeah, a little … higher, higher...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooching] 

Mmm.

I know you didn’t smack that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll smack _you._ Tease.

[shifting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Please do. Later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why Captain Rogers, you’re making me blush. 

[sliding, bare feet on tile]

[air sucking through teeth]

Ah...ha… knee...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Here. 

[hoisting] 

Hmm. 

[inaudible] 

I’m putting you on the sofa. Let me get dinner started. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still into that feeding-me-porterhouse idea? Rare, please. I like it _dripping_.

[footsteps]

[cushions shifting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I know how you like it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

I’ll be back. Be good. 

[footsteps]

[tapping on Starkpad]

 **FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Move over, cat. Jesus. You act like you own the place. 

**FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow. 

[soft thumping, purring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please. Pet you? I don’t even like you. [scratching] 

[footsteps]

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [whispered] Yeah, T, mission accomp...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, Steve, you--

[yelp]

Who the fuck are you?

 **FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [hissing]

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [gasp] 

Okaaaay…You weren’t supposed to be here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [scrambling] What the fuck are you doing in my house? 

**FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [low growling]

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [click] Mr. Stark? I think you know what this is? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Looks familiar. Let me guess, you release the pressure sensor and I’m in for a nasty surprise.

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Something like that. 

[footsteps] 

So I’ll be leaving. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting] I think you’ll find it hard to get out the way you got in. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** And you know how I got in? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure I can guess.

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** I sincerely doubt that, Mr. Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What do you want? Why don’t we put down the diamonds and try to reach an arrangement? You’re looking for something. A Controller.

 **FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow?

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Controller? Mmm...I was thinking more like...that StarkPad?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seriously? I know the new OS is exciting, but it’ll be available in stores next month.

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Maybe I want that one in particular. 

**FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [hissing] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Ow! Fucking cat! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could be convinced, sweetheart. But listen, you should really give yourself a moment to consider whether or not your compensation is worth the hell you’ll go through if you walk out of here with a piece of pre-release tech.

How much are you being paid? I’ll double it.

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** I’m not looking for money. I’ll give you one of these. Disabled. For the StarkPad.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why? 

I’m not that interested - basic aerosol dispersal system, I figure. And my guy has already figured out a neutralization agent for your toxin.

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [click] 

Does that make you more interested?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could slap a few razor blades on a geometry project. I’m not _dis_ interested. Why do you want the tablet?

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Personal reasons. It has twelve settings. I’m not showing you the goodies. Mostly because some of them are too lethal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oooh, scary.

Personal reasons, hm?

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** You do realize I’m bargaining when I could be threatening?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, not quite seeing the threatening side of a skinny little thing in a catsuit, sorry.

And that cylinder you’ve got there? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Nothing you’d be interested in. If the StarkPad’s so worthless, why not just hand it over? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t like people taking my stuff. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** I bet you label your leftovers, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….. 

Put the diamond down and I’ll slide over the Starkpad.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [click] 

Just to be perfectly transparent, I have more of those. 

[metal on wood] 

[muttered] Fuck, where is that flashdri--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? Where do you keep ‘em?

[Starkpad sliding across hardwood]

Some kind of trophy? I’ll remote wipe it the second you walk out the door.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [pop] 

[swipe] 

I’m not taking it with me. Hmm...

[tap]

**> >DELETE FIELDDATA:NAME.Name.X; USER:N7Vg+93rrymh0Qz/1PN/PQ==**

**[USERDATA DELETED; DATA REVERTED TO UNKNOWN.Unknown004**

[swipe]

Fuck. Uh…

[swipe] 

[tap] 

[StarkPad sliding across hardwood] 

Have fun with that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shouting, footsteps, scuffle]

 **FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [hissing, scratching, spitting] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [yell] 

[running footsteps, door banging open] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck--

[crashing, lamp toppling]

Knut -- !

 **FOSTER.ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Rooowwwwwl! 

[small running footsteps]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What the hell is-- who are you?!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Fucking-- 

[thump] 

Hot damn. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, I wasn’t easy enough on the eyes?

[panting]

Steve - she’s armed, diamonds - New Years - 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Step away from him, or I’ll-- 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Are you threatening me with a wok? Sorry, man, but I think you just lost your World’s Sexiest Man title. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sexiest Man Alive. And he’s gonna _wok your world,_ baby.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Oh, for fuck’s sake. Still haven’t lost World’s Cheesiest Puns.

[click] 

I don’t want to hurt anybody! I thought you weren’t home. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s got something in that tube; B &E?

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Yeeeeeah, as long as we’re talking about people with tubes...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ahem. Madam. The tube?

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Oh, fine, cover yourself up with the fucking wok. Now we look like a sexy chef calendar. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hand it. Over. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** Iiiiiii don’t think so. I just did your boyfriend a big fucking favor and he doesn’t even know it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, breaking into my fucking house? [spits]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, your eye’s all-- what did you-- 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [click] Your StarkTech is all bugged. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re full of shit. [footstep]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [footsteps]

You and the Black Widow are planning to privatize the Avengers Initiative. Check your fucking tech. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, they’re-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Not? Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [crunching, footsteps, grunting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, don’t--!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown004:** [click] 

[whoosh] 

[bang]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing, sputtering] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony?! I can’t-- 

[slam]

[crash] 

_Hell_

[window slamming]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing, sputtering] Steve -- ?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The fog’s clearing... She’s-- I don’t think she’s _here_ \-- Hell...what…? Tony, are you--? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m here, I’m here, watch your feet, I broke a vase.… [coughing]

Get … [coughing] ... get out of the living room, fresh air...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m coming back over to you…Shit, I should have...Are you all right? This stuff’s burning my eyes a little. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God damn it…. are - is that all, you’re okay? [coughing] What did she - [coughing] - take??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No idea--I have no idea what someone would want. We can figure it out if we go through -- I’m fine, Tony, are you-- you’re coughing. Can I-- water?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ye-- [coughing] -- it’s just the -- 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can see through it now. Just a-- 

[cabinet opening, tap running]

Here. 

[gulping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Starkpad. I need my Starkpad, left it on the floor in the living room .... 

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Got it. Tony. 

[smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- hey, careful, you might ingest…. oh. Blood on your lips -- is my mouth bleeding?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I went through a cloud of it; it just made my eyes water. Um. Ah. A little. 

[smooch] Better?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

You really rocked that wok, sugarplum.

[inaudible]

Starkpad. And - we need to hit my decontam shower - [cough, gulping] - and call the rest of the team, if the Starktech is really compromised it’s all gotta go.

[groaning, coughing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can call...Tony, let me-- 

[grunt, hoisting] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _what_ \- put me down! How - [coughing] - will you wield your wok with your arms full of naked billionaire?

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll just have to wield you. You’re coughing too much. I’m taking you downstairs. The shower down there is working?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, decontam shower. [coughing] Had it installed… just …

I’m starting to think you’re into this whole bridal-carrying thing. Is this some kind… of … [coughing] kink?

[coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Bridal what kink? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Never--

The door is open. That _bitch_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, at least we know she didn’t take anything from the creepy Cap room? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** La dee freakin’ dah, Captain Wok-gers - [coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] Ha, ha ha. Captain America woks. You should send that idea to the licensing people. [smooch] 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Starkpad -- put it on the table, and -- 

[coughing]

Now pull that handle….

[creaking]

[SPLOOSH]

[sputtering]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] That was actually sort of-- fun. Better? More?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Once more for good measure?

[SPLOOSH]

[splattering]

[slipping]

Let me down, I … 

[footfalls]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There. Are you all right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine, yes, fine, great -- 

[limping footsteps, dripping] 

[tapping, clicking]

[depowering noises, beeping, clicking]

[veeroroooooom]

[silence]

Okay. Systems are off. Pass me that Starkpad. 

Mmmmm, she uploaded a … file. It’s scans clean, but it’s… huh, just text.

[silence, tapping]

Fuck. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What is it? 

[wheels rolling, stopping]

 **DUM-E:** [beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey Dums, you get a scare when she busted in here? If she’d touched you I’d pull her guts out through her nose.

 **DUM-E:** [sad booping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, um. Thanks for the towel. Here. I’ll dry off Tony. 

**DUM-E:** [pleased beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It looks like this system - [cough] - and shit, maybe even any system the corrupted JARVIS OS had access to - has a command override embedded somewhere in the executables that cues the transmission of security footage … [sniffling] ... low-frequency radio transmission, that’s a long-distance kind of thing, no controls beyond the preset wavelength, though...

[coughing]

How would it -- it can’t be transmitting everything, can it? Maybe it’s timed, or looking for a frequency of keywords, or maybe it uploads on the hour - no, the keywords, it was keywords before, let me…

[tapping, muttering]

If this is it, if I can parse this and scan J.A.R.V.I.S. for these subsets I can …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Slow down a little? I don’t-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think -- fuck. This is it, it’s a fucking cipher, -- [coughing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A cipher as in a code? For _what_? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For the hack. Shit, how did I - it’s a sixteen digit cipher, but each layer moves up a digit - which means the end of the code changes in each line, so it doesn’t look like a pattern.

Fuck, I can scan and filter this. We could fix the entire fucking system.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You...System meaning J.A.R.V.I.S.? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [quietly] Yeah.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I need to call Natasha. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, do. Although knowing her she’s got Brucie far away from any tech on Valentine’s Day.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’ll forgive me? I feel like she’d want to know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \--what, why is she forgiving you? [tapping] _Fuck_ ing hell, the battery life! It had nothing to do with the OS, it was just constantly transmitting. I _told_ Pepper they were fine!

Shit. She has one of these. We need to …. Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s Valentine’s Day. I can’t call Pepper on Valentine’s Day. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….ah, _shit._ Right. We’ve … 

Oh, god. This was supposed to be the sexiest Valentine’s day ever to make up for New Years and we set fire to the yoga room and were assaulted in my living room. Fucking holidays.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s fine, Tony, I just...You’re going to have to call her. Who else? The rest of the team? Becky, probably Rachel...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know, we need to - shit, i need to turn the wifi in your phone off. 

Fuck, I knew the transmissions were happening, bit I thought they’d stopped when J.A.R.V.I.S. went down. I’m such a fucking idiot -- 

**DUM-E:** [disapproving beep]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well, what would you call it then?

 **DUM-E:** [whirring]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I think DUM-E is right. My phone’s in the bedroom. Do you, er. Want clothes? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That might be good - I tripped the alarms when the systems went down, so the police are on the way. You - [weak laugh] - uh, have a hickey on your ass, you know. 

[chuckling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I… [laugh] Well. I’m extremely concerned about what people will say about that when the photographic evidence goes public. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We won’t let that happen, Steve.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I wasn’t taking photos, were you?

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How do you think I knew when you started to get re-dressed? [snort]

You realize that - if this is right, I might be able to get J.A.R.V.I.S. back.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] What do you need from me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Right now? I …

[silence]

I mean, it’s Valentine’s Day. I can ... do this tomorrow, or after the police reports are done. Let me think.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re going to have to put clothes on for police reports. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We need to have everyone turn their tech off -- more than that. Remove all batteries until I can push a patch to devices. We’re gonna need new phones. Maybe borrow an officer’s to start the calls.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Which what too? Tony, if you need to do this, I’ll understand. I can make the calls. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you sure? You still owe me a porterhouse.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] It’s still early. This is your present now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] 

Okay. Cops’ll be here any minute. Let’s...focus on that, pants, make sure no one else is around, figure out how she got in. And we need to bring in everything electronic in the house; somewhere with less surveillance than the bunker. Dad’s office, maybe. 

Phones, starkpads, the fucking e-readers, anything capable of transmission. I need to wipe it all. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I’ll take care of it. As soon as we’re presentable for the cops.

[inaudible]

Hell. I’m going to need to clean up your fucking lotus petals.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ouch -- shit. Yeah. Let’s… do that now? Quickly. And make with the pants.

Alright. DUM-E, you’re in charge, hold down the fort ‘til I get back. 

[footsteps]

 **DUM-E:** [beeeeeeeep!]

**{STARKTECH MONITORING SYSTEM ERROR}**

{{TRANSMISSION FAILED}}


	391. Necessity Dictates Otherwise

Stark--

First: I'm on a secure connection, not on my own device. We drove to the nearest Best Buy and got a little tablet out of the box.

Steve called. Do we know if these people are monitoring calls? If they are, they know we're on to them. I told Steve not, under any circumstances, to explain how you found out until we were sure we weren't being monitored. You do the same.

Are you all right? Believe it or not, Bruce and I were actually _on assignment_ this afternoon _in the Berkshires_ , which I imagine was the doing of certain parties who claim to disapprove. We had been planning on just staying here for the weekend, but we just cancelled the remaining nights and we'll be back in the morning. If you want us to drive back down tonight, we'll drive back down tonight. We can do this another weekend if we have to; it's not like the mountains are going anywhere and the idea of adhering to the social customs of the day is amusing but not at all essential if necessity dictates otherwise. 

Message me immediately if you need anything, or anything else goes wrong. Tablet's on the nightstand. I mean it.

\--N


	392. What's left of it

Nat –

We’re okay here. I’m typing on a wiped device, and I’m in the process of wiping every other device in the house. Poor Steve has been reduced to playing fetch for me while I wipe and reprogram. I called Thor but he and Jane are (where the fuck did they go for dinner?) out of service range - so I left word with Darcy and told her to bring her own tech to the lab tomorrow to be scanned. Clint and Becky know, too, but I couldn't get ahold of them before most of the major retailers closed, so they're just gonna go tech-free until they can come by tomorrow. If you need them, try the land line at the the Soho property.

I have no idea how many of us could be infected, but I figure it's a bit like an STD - for every one you spot, there's half a dozen others flying stealth. On Monday I'm going to pull phones at random from staff at SI and check - I'm fairly convinced this surveillance was associated with Avengers related business, but I need to be sure it's not spying on a more corporate level. It might not be a bad idea to do the same with the SHIELD teams you and Steve roll with. Once we go over it tomorrow, you could probably scan them fairly quickly. I've written a little uninstallation program that can be pushed to other devices via Bluetooth.

We’re fine here, I’m piecing through new information on JARVIS' crash, and I may have some new info on your neurotoxin, too. 

Sorry to interrupt your Valentine’s day, work-filled or otherwise. Try to enjoy what’s left of it and we’ll see you two tomorrow.

T


	393. Channel Indiana Jones

T--

Things got a little hairy, sorry about that. But I got out, and as far as I know, nobody recognized me.

The world's smartest man is actually kind of a moron, and I can now die happy because I've seen Steve Rogers naked with teethmarks on his ass. That man makes me want to channel Indiana Jones and stick him in a museum. God. 

I've got the goods, but I kind of need a better place to hide 'em than my apartment. Plain sight is fine, and it's not like anybody ever comes out to fucking Ridgewood, but it's making me kind of nervous, especially if this thing is as powerful as you say it is. 

I'm getting antsy about being found out. I don't know if there's anybody else left we can trust. 

\--R


	394. Always Jealous

**{BUNKER SECURITY MONITOR 2.0 ACTIVE 2014.2.15/03:45}**

[footsteps]

[blankets rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hmmm...mmf. Hi, you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry, sugarplum. Didn’t mean to wake you. 

[inaudible] 

There room on this couch for me, too?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Looks like you’re already on it. What time is it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Almost four.

[rustling]

I’m sorry for the crummy Valentine’s Day.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not as if you planned it. C’mere…

[inaudible] 

How’s JARVIS? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still sifting through code - but I think I found the key. A certain keystroke string that’s tacked on altered as a sort of predicate, with a final number that shifts? Now it’s just time to bust ass and pick it all out. It’s like untangling an entire ball of yarn. Tedious. But I’ll get there.

[inaudible]

Can I get a do-over?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You can have as many do-overs as you want. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re amazing.

[smooch]

I’m leaving for California on Sunday, so… tomorrow night? Uh, or I suppose, tonight by now.

[inaudible] Just so you know, there were way more orgasms in my version of our evening.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [growl] 

Mine, too. But, you know. There’s still the morning.

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know technically it _is_ the morning…

[shifting, inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Dammit, man. You haven’t slept. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just saying, if you wanted to wear me out…

[smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You look like you’re already worn out.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The eye’s that black, huh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She got you almost as good as Natasha.

[smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Figures. I can’t help but feel I’d have noticed this shit if I wasn’t so swamped with SI stuff. Fury unbenched me at the start of the month, but I’m still gone half the time. I keep missing calls to Assemble and I feel like shit about it. I should have noticed these files on my tech and I didn’t.

[muffled] It’s embarrassing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, don’t blame yourself; you can’t be everywhere at once. Maybe you can find someone else to help at SI. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Another PA, maybe, How did Pepper make this shit look so easy? 

And there’s you. I hate leaving you behind.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hate being left. But it’s temporary; we’ll weather it. And I have plenty to keep me busy here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I know you do. You’re holding up okay? The job and… everything else?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. It’s...I’m still a little overwhelmed. I’ll get the hang of it. Becky offered to help with some things. See? You leaving town means I have more time to practice.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know about you spending all this time with your ex. What if I start to get jealous? [smooches] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s _your PA_ She’s been your PA for as long as I dated her. What if _I_ start to get jealous?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Puh-lease. You’re never going to convince me you’re the jealous type. 

Though it would be kind of hot. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m very jealous. 

[inaudible] 

Always jealous. 

[inaudible] 

I don’t even like seeing you _look_ at other people. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You are the most… I can’t even think straight when you’re this close. Kiss me again.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am the most _jealous_ , you mean. You’re making secret plans with your fake girlfriend and you’re worried about me learning Photoshop from my ex?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Secret plans? There are no plans. Only more kisses.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Privat--

[inaudible]

ization? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That wasn’t so much a secret plan as a single conversation… I was planning to talk to you about it, but things just kept coming up. And it’s not something that would happen anytime soon, anyway, if we even decide to run with the concept. [smooches]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It means Natasha’s thinking about getting out of SHIELD, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, maybe. I suspect Bruce and Clint are her real motivation, but you can never tell with her. I don’t think she’s shown her full hand.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She never does. Don’t-- just. Keep me informed? Let me know if you’re talking about this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can do; happy to, really.

I need you to not say anything to Fury, though. You get that, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you’re sure Natasha isn’t feeling you out on his orders? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury plays long fucking games, Steve. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he put Nat where she is explicitly so that she would come up with this solution and broach it to me… I _am_ one of the only people in the world capable of bankrolling something like that.

But you remember the rogue bird, at the Battle of New York? Fury answers to someone. Maybe he doesn’t agree with their methods.

Or maybe it’s just Nat, who know. Either way, it’s a logical progression for us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

I have to think about it. As much as I gripe about SHIELD not giving me a choice, I owe them my life...my history. A lot.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Seriously?

I mean. I know that. But …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not saying I wouldn’t go. Just that I haven’t thought about it before. And I need to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. You’re not one for rash decisions, I know.

I fund 40% of this shebang and exclusively front our living costs. That’s a lot of cash and assets to be pumping into an organization with a vague but mysterious Phase Two looming in the background. Losing the Tesseract won’t stop them from making weapons, and my days of weapon-making are over, full stop. 

If Nat and I can structure this correctly I’d bail in a heartbeat. You are obviously free to do whatever you will.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know that I’d want to stay with you, if it came to that. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If it comes to that - and it may not - don’t make that choice about me. Make it about you.

[shifting]

Mmm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A team leader’s hardly any good without a team, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I _do_ like teamwork.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know what kind of teamwork you like. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s the best kind!

There could be other teams. We could recruit. That mansion’s got plenty of bedrooms.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha, we’re going to start a superhero summer camp? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] My biggest concern is that we’d risk losing some of our operating immunity… not so great for Captain National Icon.

[cloth shifting] 

****

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, Captain National Icon’s having reputation problems as it is, these days. Tony, I’m not saying I’d make a decision because of you-and-me, even though...god, Tony, do you...mmm...ever give up? 

[inaudible]

I’m saying it’s because you’re the people I want to work with. We worked too hard to get to this point; I’m not training some new leftover-hoarding jackass from the beginning again.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah! I hoped you’d say that.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I’m not complaining about the benefits package, either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know I love it when you... talk about my package…. 

[shifting]

[yawning]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Mmm...getting handsy, are we? What happened to sleeping?

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s… Valentine’s Day. We should at least… make...

...

...aneffort…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chuckle] We can make an effort tomorrow. You’re...Mmm… 

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Okay, okay...if you insist…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

[rustling]

You … smell amazing, shteve... mmyou smell like my … fav’rite thing....

[soft snore]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? [chuckle] 

[smooch] 

You _are_ my favorite thing.

[soft snoring]

{{Saving...}}


	395. Damp Post-Its

Tony,

I don't know how you managed to get the Malevich back, but…thank you. Thank you so much. I imagine the collection has spread witht he winds; while donation is an admirable cause, I can't say the Boy Scouts would be my charity of choice, but…

The Malevich.

I can't put this in my office; it's on the wall in my apartment, above the sofa. You always hated the Malevich, and here it is. 

I haven't been back to Underdog since I moved here; the weather's been too horrible this winter to do much of anything. But it's nice, because it's giving me time to transition. 

The mention, though, brought back memories of the last time we were here together, the rain, the cupcakes…your insistence that we could wait it out in that tent, followed by your insistence that the tent was perfectly structurally sound only moments before it nearly blew over on us, running across the street in the deluge, my heels in one hand, sitting out the weather under the portico of the Franklin institute-- you offering me your soaked-through jacket, as if that would somehow help. Doodling on the damp Post-Its you'd been carrying in your jacket pocket, sticking them up on the wall. 

Finally, desperately, waving down a cab back to the hotel. That restaurant on Penn's Landing, the one inside the boat, with the excellent sea bass. 

Yes, the silence is because I'm buried in paperwork-- paperwork that doesn't have your name on it, anywhere. How refreshing! 

The girls in my mentorship group are wonderful, classes are wonderful. I have started grading papers and they're not as awful as I expected. 

How are you? How's Steve? You just need to remember that Steve isn't you-- Steve is the kind of person who, when met with an accusation, true or false, is going to worry more about the person making the accusation than he is about himself. It's just who he is-- he worries about other people, and likes to take care of them, and sometimes he takes that to the extreme. It's entirely the root of the issue I've had with him; he's so concerned with doing what he thinks is right by me that he doesn't listen to what I ask him to do. But that's besides the point. I think, also, it must be hard for him. He has so few links to this time and place, Tony. Hearing he might have family who is alive has got to be incredibly bittersweet, given the scenario. I don't know if I can offer advice, but I can certainly listen to you if you need to talk about it. 

Thank you again for the Malevich. All my love,

Pepper


	396. (Spreadsheet attached)

Hey Tone Def,

Here's your schedule for the week out in Cali: 

**Monday**

9-9:15 AM briefing session with R&D management  
9:30-11:00 AM presentations from R&D department (PDF attached-- review prior to meeting, which means, like, have it out while you're listening to them?)  
11:30 AM- 12:30 PM meeting with Board of Directors  
1-3:00 PM Board Lunch, main SI campus (get me instructions for the kitchen)  
3:30 PM-4 PM briefing session with Outreach & Development (what the fuck even is that? IDK)  
4:15-5 PM Tour of new biotech facilities  
5:15 PM THIS IS NOT ON YOUR LIST BUT I AM REMINDING YOU TO CALL STEVE; IT WILL BE 8:15 IN NEW YORK AND HE WILL BE DONE EATING.  
6:30 PM Dinner at Chart House with Sales Management (ostensibly to go over strategy for the StarkPad rollout, but face it, you're just all going to be getting shitfaced.)

 

**Tuesday**

9-10 AM Marketing & PR meeting prior to StarkPad announcement (Word .doc attached)  
10:30 AM-12 PM Presentation of new StarkPad to selected tech press  
1-3:00 PM Lunch (still open; I'll let you know who takes this slot)  
3:30-4:30 PM StarkPad interview with WIRED Mag.  
4:45-5:30 PM StarkPad press debrief with PR department.  
5:45 PM CALL STEVE  
7:30 Dinner at Geoffrey's with PR & selected members of the press.

**Wednesday**

9-11:00 AM meeting with Product Design & Production  
11:15 AM report to theater for sound test  
11:30 AM-12:00 PM live presentation to general staff with video feed to East Coast staff  
12:15-12:45 PM Initial review of staff feedback  
1-3:00 PM Lunch with selected department heads.  
3:30-5:00 PM Final Review of Fourth Quarter earnings, Financial Department (Spreadsheet attached)  
5:30 CALL STEVE  
6:30-9:30 PM Dinner at Nobu with Financial management

YOUR FLIGHT IS LEAVING AT TEN THIRTY. 

Are you sure you don't want me to come? Clint's out of town on interviews again, and I've got a pretty light schedule here in New York-- haven't heard from Merrie in a while, so I'm guessing she's all sorted as far as the damaged art, the reconstruction is humming along smoothly without me, and Rachel's got a good enough handle on it, I trust her if a problem comes up. Unless it's a computer thing. Do you know any other twenty-four-year-olds who break every computer they touch? It's like, okay, grandma. I sort of want to tell Steve to teach her. The irony would be delicious. Hey, Ray, this dude from the ancient past can find his way around a computer better than you.

Also, word of warning, we've been getting some snipes from the Roxxon people again. I've been fending them off, but it sounds like they're not going to give up on this. Hugh Jones apparently went on record saying he'd give you a tour of Roxxon's new facilities in, like, Peru or something where he's paying people shit, if you would give him a tour of SI's facilities. Ugh. Who the hell is this guy? 

Oh, Clint's gonna be in D.C. a couple days this week, but he said he was super stoked about the Cali gig. Just wanted you to know. Thanks for taking care of him.

\--Becs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey team! Guess what day it is?
> 
> It's ONE MONTH SINCE THE WINTER SOLDIER OPENED IN THE US.
> 
> That means you are now WELCOME to talk spoilers in the comments. Of course if you want to be extra kind to your fellow readers, you can warn at the top of your comment, but we won't be deleting or discouraging spoilers from here on in. 
> 
> Please remember not to spoil AoS! Neither of us have seen past the fourth episode yet.


	397. I kind of get a pass

Becks – 

Hey, so the second interview went … I dunno, pretty well I guess? I interview so horribly … apparently I failed the personality psych test the first time around, but hey, sniper, I kind of get a pass there. There was a written component too and interviews about fake cover stories, and then they did a lot of asking me super direct questions about my work with S.H.I.E.L.D. while hooked into a polygraph machine and shit. Once all that was through they took me out to the shooting range to show off what I could do. Those fat capital bastards were stuffing their faces with roast pig instead of watching me demo, so I shot the apple from its mouth and cackled evilly as one of them went backwards into the punch bowl.

Okay, that last part was kind of a lie, I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. 

How’s life? You been by the mansion at all? I should hear back some time in the next two days, there’s apparently one more round before offers. You mentioned Tony was gonna be in Cali as of Sunday night… if you’re not tagging along, come out with me?

Clint


	398. Crappy vector art

That's okay, babe, my last job interview, I had to camoflage myself with cake frosting. 

Yeah, Tony's got an entire shit-show packed schedule full of meetings because of the new StarkPad rollout. I offered to go out but I think he feels kind of guilty dragging me out there so I can sit in his office and reblog Tumblr posts all day while he yaps at people. I can manage his calendar from here and oversee the gallery rebuild, even though Rachel's doing a bang-up job handling most of that.

I've been hanging out with Steve a lot; it's been good. He's actually making eye contact and everything like a big boy! He kind of sucks at his new job-- I mean, I don't know why he took it, apart from trying to please Tony, because design is not fucking illustration, and he's so down on himself that he can't use Photoshop like somebody who's been making crappy vector art since the late 90s. We kind of went through all the filters and layer styles today, so he's got the hang of, like, putting drop shadows on things, but it's, like…he's so not cut out for this, poor baby. I'm trying to decide if I should say something to Tony, because he's convinced Tony's gonna be disappointed if he tells him anything. And it's like, dude, you're Captain America, you do all this other awesome shit, no one's going to be disappointed you're not a graphic designer, but you can't even say that to him because he just decides you don't understand because you said 'Captain America,' and shuts down the conversation. 

So maybe it hasn't _really_ been good? I mean, nice to hang out with him and not have things be all weird and awkward-ex-y, but I kind of feel bad for him, you know? It seems like he's stuck. I know he's been running missions with you and Nat, but it's like he can't decide whether he's supposed to try to fit in to normal society or not, and he seems so out of place. Not because of the seventy-year gap, but because I don't think non-superhero life really agrees with him. Like, you can see him getting antsy because he's not careening down cliffs or wrestling tanks (okay, okay, I know he didn't really do that, but you get the idea). And I think maybe part of him not getting the hang of this stuff is that he'd rather be doing something bigger.

I also-- and don't repeat this-- think he's pretty sure those kids in the news are actually his great-grandkids. Tony keeps telling him to ignore all that shit, and Steve just…he's so _Steve_ about it, he wants to buy them presents and start a college fund and save the world and shit. 

Yes, please, I am dying to see you. I miss you like fucking Lemony Snicket misses Beatrice. We can totally demonstrate our skills again, and you can lick the frosting off. 

Like a zillion hugsssssssssss,

Becs


	399. Warm milk

Steve,

I know you're probably asleep, being three hours ahead of me. If not, why aren't you asleep? It's five AM, there. Go to sleep, you moron.

 

Mostly I wanted you to know - in the interest of being a completely honest and 100% forthcoming boyfriend - that I'm not sleeping. I can't seem to, out here, and I didn't tell you on the phone earlier because I didn't want you to do something ridiculous like fly out here to heat up warm milk for me. The days are packed and this CEO stuff is stressing me out... my brain's going a mile a minute when I actually stretch out and try to snooze. I've had to write and push out three different patches for bugs with some of the adjunct software the OS and aps teams missed, and in between that I've been fucking around with my own projects.

the hard work is paying off, though. I have a little surprise for the team. I think they'll like it. 

T


	400. So Many Batmans.

T--

It's 5:30. I'm about to take Moose out for our run. When I get back, I'll happily hop on a plane and fly out to make you warm milk. I wish I could--but I have to be at work at ten.

I hope you've fallen asleep by now, but I thought I'd reply so you'd have something to read. Are you all right? Usually when you don't sleep, it's on purpose. 

I'm sure the team will be thrilled by any surprise that doesn't catch on fire or involve nudity (you can save those ones for me). 

Clint and Becky went out last night, in between his interviews, so I went with Ray and Darcy to see The Lego Movie. It was cute, but I definitely missed a lot of jokes. I guess I have to watch the Batman movies, now? I was up until midnight listening to a very heated conversation about whether it's 'acceptable' for Batman to kill people or not. They actually asked me to weigh in, and I explained that he killed quite a lot of people in the early comics but it seemed like he stopped doing that around the time he picked up Robin as a sidekick. Then they argued the merits of Nolan vs. Burton and I really didn't understand very much of it except that Nolan's Batman talks funny and Burton's Batman has no facial expressions. And there was something about a Batman with nipples. There just seem to be so many Batmans.

Miss you. 

\--S


	401. A single piece of jewelry

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: House Stark Break-in

Greetings from sunny California kiddies,

I’ve finally finished inventorying the rooms ransacked during the Valentine’s Day break-in. I’d mentioned in the debrief that a set of maps were stolen from Howard’s office – those I have backed up in digital format, but they’re currently inaccessible with JARVIS down. 

In addition, a single piece of jewelry appears to be missing. I’d never have noticed it if the boxes weren’t overturned and our lawyers hadn’t done a complete index the house’s contents after the accident.

  


It doesn’t look like much – it was tagged as a men’s gold ring, snake-shaped, single inlaid garnet, dated to the 1910s. I'm working with the idea that whoever did this was finishing what they started on New Years eve -- the items in question must be connected, somehow. So if any of you have a clue why someone would break into a house containing vats of greek fire and an original Picasso to steal Edwardian costume jewelry, please do tell.

T.Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! We've hit Chapter 400!
> 
> We're also very nearly at 100,000 hits. 
> 
> This is just a notice to watch this space and the [1796 meta tumblr](http://www.tumblr.com/blog/1796meta)\-- we've got something special coming up for you when we get to 100000! :-D
> 
> \--Rain & Tea


	402. My sincerest hope

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Resumption of Duties 

Avengers,

I would like to take the opportunity to apologize for my part in the disturbance at 1796 Broadway on New Years Eve. My system records are spotty, but Mr. Stark has shared with me what remains of the security footage. The grievous damage caused by my compromised system breaks every protocol I was built with and requires a reassessment in my role as SI mainframe and security hub. 

I am grateful that you have all expressed a willingness to allow me to return to these roles, however, in the interest of safety and the comfort of residents Mr. Stark and I have jointly elected to reinstall me in a reduced capacity. Together we have prioritized my functions in order of relevance and potential exploitation and made changes to system functionality.

** Tower Specifics **

  * JARVIS OS will be wholly separated from SI servers and given only observational access to the operative SI floors of Stark Tower for security related surveillance.
  * JARVIS OS will be stripped from the locking mechanisms of internal doors, including fire escapes.
  * Fire alarms, carbon monoxide monitors, and related sensors will be managed independent of JARVIS OS. JARVIS will monitor residential portions of the tower in addition to physical smoke detectors installed in residential rooms.
  * JARVIS OS has been uninstalled from all residential areas excepting common areas; Avengers may choose independently whether they wish to reinstall the OS in individual apartments.
  * JARVIS OS has been disconnected from all freezer/stove units in the building. Grocery orders must now be verbally requested by residents.



** Stark Mansion Specifics **

  * Security audio/visual terminals have been installed in all common areas. Audio voice input is available in private bedrooms at the explicit request of the residents. 
  * Fire alarms, carbon monoxide monitors, and related sensors will be managed independent of JARVIS OS. JARVIS will monitor residential portions of the Westbury property in addition to physical smoke detectors installed in relevant rooms.
  * All lighting and smart-windows currently installed have been connected to the JARVIS OS, functionality is identical to Tower units.
  * Door locks will remain entirely independent of the JARVIS OS.
  * A security terminal will be installed at the front gate and human security staff hired.



While these changes may impact the convenience of living at Stark properties, it is my sincerest hope that the reduction of functionality will allow for the team to continue living in sites monitored by myself despite the breach in trust and protocol this New Years. I highly value the opportunity to interact with and learn from you all on a daily basis, and will endeavor to improve my systems in an effort to stymie any further attempts to utilize me against the very friends I have made it my priority to protect and serve.

Your humble & obedient servant,  
Jarvis


	403. A responsibility to you

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: Resumption of Duties 

Jarvis, 

I am delighted to hear that you have been reinstalled. Please install yourself in my suite and Dr. Banner's suite at your earliest convenience-- although we'd appreciate it if surveillance could be set to a verbal key phrase-- if that's possible, Bruce and I will give you our individual phrases; we'd like them set for both of us in both locations, as a safety precaution.

We do not need surveillance in the cottage as I have the cottage wired for my own system; however, we would like the rest of your functions enabled. 

Please know that neither of us consider the New Year's event to be a breach of trust, as we as a team failed to identify the signs that such an infiltration may have taken place. We have a responsibility to you, just as you have to us. At least half of the members of this team have had similar experiences to yours, and I think I can speak for all of us in saying that we understand that your actions were not under your own control. 

I would also like to take a moment to personally thank you for your role in assisting us on New Year's, in spite of whatever faulty instructions you had received. 

Yours,

N.


	404. Felicitations

from: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: Resumption of Duties 

My Dear Friend,

It is with great Joy that I welcome you back to your Post! I will be honored to have your Watchful Eye present in my Accommodations, for you are a True Friend and always welcome upon my Hearth.

Felicitations,

THOR

__________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms


	405. ...e$e.$...e$ ...e$e.$...e

from: DUM-E ([dum-e@starkindustries.com](%20/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: Resumption of Duties 

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	406. RE:  Resumption of Duties

from: DUM-E ([dum-e@starkindustries.com](%20/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: Resumption of Duties 

_________JARVISJA____________JARVISJAR  
______JARVISJARVISJA_______JARVISJARVISJARV  
____JARVISJARVISJARVISJ___JARVISJARVISJARVISJ  
___JARVISJARVISJARVISJARVISJARVISJA_______JARV  
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______________JARVISJARVISJARVISJA  
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___________________JARVISJAR  
_____________________JARVI  
______________________JA


	407. Sexy lady voice

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: RE: Resumption of Duties

hey J, welcome back, we all missed you – it’s not the same around here without your dulcet tones. You’re welcome in my quarters for sure, though Stark mentioned something about a sexy lady voice…?

Also, uh, did dum-e just email the list? Does dum-e have an email address? Has he been reading everything we send?!?

Clint.


	408. Yeah.  Yeah he has.

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: re: Resumption of Duties 

Of course DUM-E has an address. He's a resident and he likes to know what's going on.

Also you can't log into Netflix without one, so. Yes. Yes he does. 

T. Stark


	409. Die before I'm thirty

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014.2.19/20:45}**

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[rain pattering]

[door creaking]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [dog claws clicking, snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, hey, boy… did you miss me? Awwwwww, yeah you did. Mmm, I taste delicious….

[creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you? Come here and let me see. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve....

[whoomph]

Hey….

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sleepy? Let me take your coat. Jesus, you’re soaking. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Helicopters and umbrellas, a terrible mix. 

I… you know, that’s just how it is with rollout weeks. It’s kind of a relief to see this Starkpad gone to market after everything, but -- I know it’ll sell well, the press shit is irritating.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know I’d offer to do your press, but that’s hardly an option right now.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know about that -- sometimes a solid scandal is good for the brand.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] Director’s orders, Tony. _Your_ orders, too, if I recall.

[dripping, shuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Moooosey moose, yeah, yeah, I already said hi to you - attaboy.

[scritching]

Who’s a ridiculously excited doggy? Spoiler alert - it's totally you.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [panting, snuffling, tail thumping against walls] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re a sight for sore eyes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Me or the dog? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You? Both? What’s correct?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s correct. 

[inaudible] 

God, I missed you. Food? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Steve - god, I missed you too.

[inaudible]

I bought root beer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You-- [laugh] 

[paper crumpling] 

Virgil’s? Never had that one.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re the connoisseur, you’ll have to tell me how it is. [smooch]

I really am sorry I’m so late - I just, there’s all this bullshit with the PR drop, we’re trying to get space on a morning show tomorrow and that apparently didn’t happen - they won’t bump Hilary for _me?_ What the _actual fuck._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t care. You’re here now. 

[inaudible]

[bottle popping]

Did you want one of these, too?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** All yours, it’s a little sweet for me. I’m gonna stick with Perrier. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gulp] 

[bottle on table]

Shirt off, too. Let me get you a towel, or...something...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A’ight, if you insist. [rustling]

Though I’m starting to think this is all a clever ploy to get me naked. Did you tell Thor to make it rain? I could have just thrown myself in the fountain again, if you wanted a wet t-shirt kinda view.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s a clever ploy to get you warm; you’re _freezing_. Take my sweater. [fabric rustling].

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is a little big for me isn’t it? Not that I’m complaining, but blue is really more your color… [sniffing] 

Aaaaaaaaaa-hhhhhhhhhhhhh. Smells like you. Next time I’m gonna steal this and shove it in my suitcase.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not that one. You can have a different one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** don’t want you to get cold.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t get cold. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shh, I’ll need a new excuse to share body heat.

[rustling]

I missed you. Every minute.

[inaudible]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [claws clicking, tail thumping against cabinets]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Me too. Hm. When is this press stuff done? Do I get you to myself for a day? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. I know I told you I had Saturday blocked - they’re sending me back to California. I’m sorry. They need me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Let me come. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? You’re always welcome, but I’m really, really not gonna be around. It’s 12 - 15 hour days, sleep when you’re dead, that sort of thing. Mmm. 

[silence]

You can if you want to, of course. The new Malibu house could use some painting.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all right. If you’re going to be that busy, when are you going to see the paint job?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Once we get this rolled out, and the new OS updates go live, things should be calmer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nothing you can do about it. Tuesday?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. I bet I can finagle a half… no. No. I’ll _make_ Tuesday work, butter up Becks with another pair of shoes, it’ll be great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint’s started calling her closet Shoemageddon, you know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Clint’s my new favorite.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Except for you, Moosey-goosey, naturally.

Is it sustenance o’clock? Believe it or not, I’m starved.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Roast chicken and potatoes au gratin? And green bean casserole? Hungry?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Famished. God. You -- after working all day? And navigating the bullshit in the papers? You’re adorable. You’re amazing. You’re … scrumptious, or something, definitely scrumptious. And you make hotpads look sexy. How is that even possible?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You make my sweater look sexy. Come on. Food. It’s…

[footsteps] 

I like it. It takes my mind off things. Cooking. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [scritching]

Thing? Like your absentee boyfriend?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t like to take my mind off you. 

[chair scraping floor]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ooo, a gentleman _and_ a chef. Thank you, my good sir. This is a hell of a spread, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s nothing big. 

[chair scraping floor]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [whining]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, Moose. The DVD said you can’t-- 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s more than I’m used t-- you really watched the DVD?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [lapping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told you I did. It says he can’t have table scraps. But he really _likes_ the chicken. 

[creaking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Chicken isn’t too rich, at least. You know what you put in has to come out again, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I was not familiar with that concept.

[silverware scraping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s just…. the canned stuff is designed explicitly for dogs - if you give him something too rich you might tear up his gut. I read that when you shift from food types you’re meant to wean them off and onto things…. His previous food was grain heavy, so he’s probably not quite … ready for chicken. I mean, don’t tell him that. He sure acts ready.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hate to say "in my day," but in my day, usually dogs ate table scraps. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? Apparently that’s where the whole man’s-best-friend came from - I mean, the canine family was proven to have been domesticated by 15,000 years ago, which would have been the height of the last ice age, so one can only assume that table scraps were integral to the process as other food sources would have been limited… sorry. I’ve been reading books.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’ve been reading dog books.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I sort of - I didn’t want to kill him before I handed him over. I bought a few books, did a little research, learned about the ice age… like you do.

[silverware]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Can I borrow them? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh - sure, yeah, of course. They’re probably still at the tower - I’ll bring them back tomorrow.

I just, you know. They oughta sell these things with instruction manuals. And the DVD was all shrink-wrapped, so I couldn’t go opening it to preview the thing…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can watch it now, you know. It’s in the bedroom. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, sure, I’ll just pencil that into my fifteen minute lunch tomorrow …

Mm, that was kind of bitchy. Sorry. I’ll watch it with you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all right. I’d rather have you to myself if we have that much time.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hence the world’s fanciest dog crate… hard to get handsy when he’s snoring across my ankles. [chuckles]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] You planned this very poorly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could take him back, you know.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I could take _you_ back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, right. You’ve already fed me and nicknamed me, I’m pretty sure you’re attached.

[utensils scraping]

Speaking of feeding, if you wanna do raw food we can do raw food, he’s already on gluten-and-sulfite-free stuff - it’s green pea and duck? But evidently raw food diets are super trendy, so I dunno, maybe it’s hippie bullshit but maybe it’s better….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know...I just...give him what’s in the house.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Man, poor Moose. 

If you’d told me six months ago I’d know this much about a quadruped that wasn’t robotic I’d have laughed my ass off.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know more than I do. A lot more than I do, apparently. And as usual, I have no idea what you’re talking about, so if you’d like to discuss neuroscience, you can go right ahead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Psh, please, my mom had a strict no-neuroscience-at-the-dinner-table rule. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I obviously would have liked your mother. Oh, well, what do we talk about then, if not neuroscience? I was looking forward to a rousing discussion about synapses. Here. 

[clatter] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah, well, we can save that for the bedroom, chickpea. I’ll rouse your synapses all night long.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t wait. 

[silverware, chewing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is-- this is awesome, Steve - holy shit. Wow.

[munching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Even after all your five-star dinners out in California?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s all fancy-shmancy crap. This tastes like food is supposed to taste - you know, we always had a chef when I was a kid, fancy set meals, plated in the kitchen, silver cloches. All presentation and no substance. I’m not sure my mother could cook her way out of a wet paper bag. 

[chewing] I can’t tell you how much I prefer this. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thanks. 

[silence]

Thank you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Psh - why are you - why are you over there, I’d kiss you now, mouth full of chicken and everything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [swallow] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah! Now you’re just fishing. How was your week? How’s work? Any action?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know I don’t get any action when you’re not here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] There’s no way Captain America misses his weekly action. I’ll see to it - it’s my patriotic duty. For God and country!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter] Good. I have an assignment for you after dinner.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sir yes sir! I’m serious, though - I want to hear about work. It’s awesome that you’re at SI - I just, you know, it’s…. wow, what’s with the face?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nothing. It’s fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s … not exactly a ringing endorsement, sugarpie. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not _bad_. Just harder to get into the swing of things than I expected.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? I mean - what are you working on?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chewing] 

Classified. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come on babycakes, don’t be like that. You oughta know there’s no such thing as classified when I’m on the job. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What are you going to do, hack my computer? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** With my eyes _closed_. Child’s play. [chuckling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All those sensitive high-security level InDesign files? All those photos you’ve been sending me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oooh, baby, talk artsy to me. I am, you know, actually interested in how you’re doing. Look at me. All attentive and not-thinking-of-myself. Pepper’d faint.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, very uncharacteristic. _I_ might faint. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is there a reason you’re changing the subject? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silverware scraping]

[silence] I hate it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silverware stops] What?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m terrible at it. It’s too far out of my realm of expertise. I end up pushing papers around all day, and no one wants to get on my bad side, so no one talks to me. It’s like the USO all over again.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** But….. you’re… _you_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Exactly. That’s the problem. I’ve been going back up to our kitchen for lunch.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ... if you’re having a hard time getting to know people you can’t just eat alone somewhere and expect to like be best buddies with the staff. Eating with them would help you get to know people. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not eating alone because _I’m_ avoiding _them_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You think there’s anyone in that tower that isn’t interested in you? You’re a fucking badass, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** After the first two weeks when everyone started clearing out when I stepped into the room, it certainly seemed that way. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are -- are you sure that’s what was happening? I mean there are a lot of reasons people might leave a room.

You could always come eat with me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’d love to, but we have to keep our private lives separate.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know you feel that way, that’s why I haven’t invited you to lunch, or checked in on you or anything. It’s not like pretending like we’re not friends is going to fool anyone. 

You’re Captain America, that’s kind of intimidating to your average Joe - I’m sure they’ll warm up to you if you act friendly. People can’t approach you if you’re not there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m Captain fucking America. When am I not friendly? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** When you’re glaring at the tasty bite of chicken on your fork and dropping f-bombs, for one.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chewing, swallowing] 

I swear at my boyfriend, not the design staff. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love the way you say that word. Boyfriend. Ahhh.

It sounds like we need to fire a few designers and swap in some friendly faces. That’s not the kind of bullshit I want from people on payroll.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not bullshit. You can’t do that, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, yeah, I can. It’s my company. I don’t employ dickbags.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s unethical. They’re good at their jobs, and I’m not. And I’m your _friend_ , and a national icon to boot. I shouldn’t be in a _design_ office; they don’t know what to say to me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re supposed to be training you! You saved New York. _Twice_. The least these ungrateful fuckers could do is show you the ropes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, flying airplanes into icebergs and reflecting your repulsor blasts at alien invaders doesn’t exactly translate to the five to eight years of professional digital design experience. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re a fantastic artist--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _draw_. I mostly draw pictures of you in your underwear. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** See? Fantastic. Brilliant. Visionary, even. Can I see?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] You’ve seen most of them. 

I’m a good _illustrator_. The skills don’t relate. The last time I took a design class was nineteen thirty-nine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It can’t be that hard--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s what everyone keeps _telling_ me. But they’ve all had Photoshop since _middle school_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you were serious.

You hate this job.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hate wasting time doing something I’m not qualified for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How much of this is you doing that thing you always do where you’re irrationally modest and--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can ask Becky for corroboration. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Becky? What the hell does Becky know?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s been trying to teach me how to use the damn software. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s -- what? You told me you were unwinding after work.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Unwinding and wishing bloody murder on the bezier curve, yes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus, Steve. You could have told me you hated the job. You’ve been miserable this whole time, and you never fucking said a word.

[ice clinking] 

[sipping]

Cheers. Lovely. Thanks for the honesty and communication and shit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_. I’ve barely seen you. I don’t want to waste our time making a fuss.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you’re just - you’ll just keep plowing away at something that makes you unhappy because you don’t want to talk? We could have found something else for you. There’s a thousand things that need doing at SI.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was waiting for the right time. What the hell do you have at SI that I’d be qualified for? That SHIELD’s going to think is worth my time? That _I’m_ not-- I should be doing something more useful.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Does it really matter to you what SHIELD thinks of how you spend your time? They need you more than you need them. You should be calling the shots there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am calling the shots. And I’d rather be spending my time helping people than fiddling with fucking kerning.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re the one who wanted a job, and the one who’s decided it’s a waste of time. Shit, Steve. You were going stir-crazy, I didn’t care what you did as long as you got out of the house and were, you know, happy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t _want_ the job. You got mad when I told you I wouldn’t take it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I_ didn’t want you to take the job. I don’t care if you’re working or not! 

You told me you wanted a job, I helped you find a job. Don’t just - offer up a problem I can solve and expect me not to act.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You sent Earnest Jordan after me with a job that’s completely unsuitable. You could have asked questions first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You shut down when I ask questions, Steve. You don’t talk to me about shit like this.

I just want you to enjoy your life from day to day and be able to spend time doing something more fulfilling than stripping wallpaper in my kitchen! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have _another job_ on top of this one, and stripping wallpaper feels more useful than this. I’m sorry it’s not fulfilling enough for you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This has literally nothing to do with what I want. I thought I was doing what _you_ wanted. A normal life, outside of the missions for SHIELD. A job that wouldn’t mind your absences.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I-- [swallow] I know you meant well. But I had no idea what I wanted. I don’t know if I’m cut out for normal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re dating the right guy, then.

[breath]

Okay. Let me - I feel like I sound angry, and I… don’t want to be angry. But please realize, I only suggested he consider you for a position. Earnest found something that needed filling. We hire X number of vets a year, so it’s good for our numbers, too. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You hired me over some _actual_ veteran? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, okay, one - you _are_ an actual veteran, and two, I have no idea who else was applying for design jobs.

I spent years financing and profiting off of armed conflict. It’s the least I can do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you should be. But...those should go to ordinary men, with families and kids and people who depend on them, who don’t-- who aren’t _Captain America_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I said exactly what I meant, Steve - _veterans._ Including women, incidentally, and any dudes Captain America or otherwise. It doesn’t matter when or where you served, SI considers it a plus. That’s all.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. It’s not worth-- I can’t actually do the work. It’s a waste of your money. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not a waste if you need work and want to be there, Steve. You were the one asking for work, talking about going to school or finding something to do with yourself.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I don’t want to be there. I didn’t _ask_ you for work, Tony. I-- you got furious when I told you I didn’t think I should accept it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You told me you weren’t taking it because you didn’t want to work for SI. 

I just -- you could have talked to me instead of doing the silently miserable martyr thing. This is pretty fucking easy to fix, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m telling you now. When the hell else was I supposed to do it? In the last half-hour you’ve been home? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I call every day! You’ve been working there for _five weeks!_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I already told you I don’t want to spend our time talking about my stupid complaints. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Your complaints are never fucking stupid, Steve. I feel like shit knowing you’ve been miserable on my account. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I wanted to see if it got better. I didn’t want to just quit and have you think I didn’t try. You seem to think I always do. With-- this, with college... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You have to start something to quit it.

[silence]

Look -- okay, look, I’m really, really not trying to be a dick, but if you would just tell me this kind of shit I wouldn’t have to guess or assume or -- I am such absolute shit at communicating, but I’m being the communicative one here! There’s something very freaking wrong with that! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wanted to wait and see if it got better. It didn’t. What the hell is wrong with that?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How long would this whole oh-no-I’m-fine-Captain-fucking-America bullshit have gone on if I hadn’t pressed for more information? 

[scraping]

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Becky told me to give it two months. That seemed reasonable. For someone who gives me such a hard time about quitting things, you seem goddamn angry that I actually tried this time.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not angry, I’m fucking frustrated. I’m trying to understand you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Captain-fucking-America bullshit? Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You complain when the people around you expect you to be a superhero caricature, but your expectations for yourself are even higher.

I don’t like the fact that you feel like you can’t talk to me about shit. And I know you don’t, because I act like this, but I can’t not act like this because I’m absolute shit at this kind of thing, I just -- I’m pissed at myself. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So don’t act pissed at me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

So quit. Quit and take classes or something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve been saving money for classes. But they need to be...something useful. MCNY has a degree in disaster management.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silverware scraping] [chewing] 

Yeah. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And how’s it going?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll have enough to pay for a full semester by the fall. I think. I’ll have to figure out the money, if I quit.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pay piecemeal - take private courses and test out of credits. I got one of my PHDs that way.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It costs twice as much to finish a degree paying piecemeal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But you’d be improving your quality of life immediately.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The spring semester already started. It’s only six months off. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Summer?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** May. The next classes start in May.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Will you have the cash if you quit?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve saved thirty-five hundred dollars. I can definitely have the rest by August.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I spent that on a bottle of wine this week, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So then why the hell are you questioning _my_ fiscal decisions? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I take care of myself. What the fuck is S.H.I.E.L.D. paying you for these ops you’re running with Nat and Clint? You have zero expenses, you don’t pay rent, you don’t buy food, you -- are you working some kind of secret cocaine habit, or like, addicted to strippers, or what? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Cocaine doesn’t work on me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, you tried? [muttered] I would’ve liked to see that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not voluntarily. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Again with the not answering questions. You’re so fucking stubborn.

[chair scraping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you want my answers in a numbered list? I don’t ask you how you spend your money. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re the one who’s into lists.

You can ask me that. You can ask me anything. I only want to know because I’m starting to wonder if S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t grossly underpaying you to keep you under their thumb, alright? And you may not have a good concept of what a living wage is in 2014.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re paying me eight hundred and fifty dollars a week. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** eight--

Are you fucking with me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Too much or too little? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Too fucking little, Steve, how can you even -- Nick Fury can shove that fucking paycheck up his fucking --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t have any expenses. It’s more than enough. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s nowhere near a fair market price for your skills - you’re a trained professional, a veteran, they’re trading on your name, you’ve got a pretty ridiculous fucking skill set and they’re paying you forty-four thousand dollars a year to fight aliens and nearly die on a regular basis. That’s complete bullshit. If you weren’t shacked up with me you’d barely be able to feed yourself.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Feeding myself would cost about five thousand dollars a year, if I didn’t eat out much. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And rent? Do you have any idea how -- have you ever actually paid your rent? Do you have any idea what it costs to live in this city?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course I have. Bucky and I had an apartment together before we enlisted, and then SHIELD found me a place up until you offered us the building. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What were you paying?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nine hundred dollars a month. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Was that too much? I asked a few people...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Damn it - Steve, S.H.I.E.L.D. must have been paying the rest - they were subsidizing the shit out of you and letting you pay something that wouldn’t result in an instantaneous heart attack on your part. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You realize property in New York costs, on average, $1,347 per square foot? I mean, let me think, for average rent you’re looking at $50 per square foot, so unless you were living in a bathtub -- 

Okay, okay, this is tangential, _what are you doing with the rest of your money?_ Those numbers don’t gel.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Spending it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** On?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You account for your monthly expenditures, and I’ll account for mine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** S.H.I.E.L.D. is underpaying you by seventy five percent at least and you’re scraping pennies together to attend school. There is something seriously fucking wrong with this scenario.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s _fine_ , Tony. I don’t need anything else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Then what are you buying?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m _not_. There’s just a lot of people who need that money more than I do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you’re --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chewing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re giving it away. Aren’t you. You’re giving away _everything_ you should be saving.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course not. I get thirty-two hundred a month. I only give away about two-thirds of that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** All of that talk about needing money and wanting to go to school and freaking out when the government shutdown happened … you’re just giving it away? I mean, I get it, orphans and babies and pollution and dolphins eating plastic balloons and all that, but _why?_

[pacing footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why not? It’s the right thing to do. You just said you spend more than that on _spoiled grape juice_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Spoiled? Try dramatically improved. You’re not giving away your SI paycheck too, are you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not all of it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, for fuck’s sake.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s my money. If you want to swim in gold like that stupid cartoon duck, you can go right ahead and do that, but I don’t need all this damn money. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But you do! You aren’t doing the things you want to do. I wish you’d fucking accept that you deserve things that you want, even if there are other people out there who want things too.

You’re amazing. You’re brilliant. If you invest in yourself you’ll make more in the long run, and you can do whatever you want with it - give it away, set it on fire, whatever. You deserve to do the things you want to do. You can still donate to charity, just… do it in a more reasonable way.

[footsteps]

[bottle cap unscrewing, ice in glass]

[whiskey sloshing]

[rustling]

C’mere.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Which long run? The one where the world blows up, or the one where I die before I’m thirty? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …Steve...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s how this goes, you understand that, don’t you? I’m a human shield. Maybe a little stronger and shinier than the other ones, but shields all end up getting dinged. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t -- talk like that.

We do dangerous shit, but that just means we need to enjoy every single day. We need to jump on shit instead of putting it off.

I won’t let anything happen to you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t get to make that call. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, to choose to protect you? Tough shit, Steve, I already have. If you get to arbitrarily decide you’re a shield, so do I. Maybe I’ll paint a fucking star on my chest. It’ll be great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think that one’s already taken. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well, mine would glow.

I’m being serious. That’s -- a super unhealthy outlook for you to take. As in, borderline crazy?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chair toppling] 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [bark]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not crazy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not -- I don’t mean crazy-crazy, but that’s seriously _not normal_.

[sipping, ice clinking]

I’m telling you this as someone who considers himself an acceptable loss 99% of the time. Also as someone who’s _really fucking worried_ about you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course it’s not normal, Tony; there’s _nothing_ about me that’s normal. How the hell did we get from being an utter failure at Photoshop to _being crazy_? 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [dog claws clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because you’re giving away everything you make and not buying furniture and refusing to name the dog and doing _exactly what I did when I had A CHUNK OF TOXIC METAL IN MY CHEST THAT WAS SLOWLY KILLING ME_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Jesus, Tony, _calm down_. I don’t have any goddamn poison in my chest. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It might as well be - it’s something inside of you that makes you think there’s no way out. You’re not gonna be dead by thirty. You -- you’re more than that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. You need to breathe. Sit down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t fucking tell me what to do, Steve.

[chair scraping]

[fast breathing, gasping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps] 

[faucet running]

Here.

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. Fuck -- I. Fuck.

[breathing]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [whining, lapping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …Moose...

[sipping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chair scraping]

Are you all right? I...Tony, I don’t know what you think. I’m not suicidal.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m fucking fine.

That’s what I said, too. [breath] When that was happening I just - it just seemed logical. I gave everything away, Steve. I made Pepper CEO, so she’d be taken care of when I was gone. I didn’t want to leave my affairs a mess for the only good person in my life to clean up.

You’re _giving it all away._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not you, Tony. I’m not used to having things. I don’t know what to do with them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You fucking enjoy them.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What if giving them to other people is how I enjoy them? How is me buying toys for kids different from you buying wine? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because there’s no self-denial or martyr complex in my wine purchases, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why does it have to be about self-denial? Why can’t I just like to do it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] You’re giving away too much. You’re not saving, because you can’t imagine yourself needing savings. You can’t see a future. That’s -- a problem for me, Steve.

Futurist, remember?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I see the future every day when I get up. And I’m not sure what I want to make of it yet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [measured breathing]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling, licking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] Hey, Mooster-booster. It’s okay, boy. It’s fine. [knees on the floor]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [tail thumping on floor]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You alright?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. But I think I have dog-spit in my mouth… we’ve gotta work on the licking-faces thing, Mister Mooster.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I like the licking-faces thing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Then I’ll start investing in bulk doggy breath mints. Eyuck. Tastes like chicken.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

It scares me that you don’t think you have a future. I was… kind of planning on keeping you around.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I-- 

Any time I have anything that matters, I lose it. 

[shifting, settling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t have to … 

I won’t let that happen. I want you to -- have a home, and nice things that make you comfortable, and go to college and not spend eight hours a day being miserable at a job you hate because you think it’s what I want.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [licking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m giving my notice.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah.

I’m sorry. This all my fault.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not a question of assigning fault. Tony. Look at me.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I should have noticed. Natasha noticed.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Natasha notices everything. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And she’s always fucking right, Steve. I don’t really think you’re crazy, but there’s something fundamentally wrong with your outlook. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Would you stop saying that? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. It’s not okay for you to believe these things about yourself.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not about _me_. It’s about what _happened_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This shit isn’t just a figment of my imagination. Just because things happen to you doesn’t mean you have to let them control you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m _in control_.You’re acting like it’s my perspective that’s skewed, and not like I _actually have one goddamn fucking skewed reality to contend with._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course it’s skewed. The whole world is fucked - it rains aliens in Manhattan, things are definitely a new ‘normal.’ You can’t just ….

I really think you should see a psychologist.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you ever try Pepper’s?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I thought about it, but then she told me not to talk to her anymore, so it was a little hard to get the number. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Will you go if I find one for you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If you let me pay for it and don’t throw a fit if I hate it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- fuck, Steve.

I would never knowingly make you do something you hate.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Will you come with me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

[rustling]

Dinner’s probably cold. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can I …

[inaudible]

I ruined dinner. I’m sorry.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want to die, all right? You understand that I don’t want that, don’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, breathing]

Yeah. Okay. 

[silence]

The idea of something happening to you fucking freaks me out. I know you’re capable of taking care of yourself -- you just, sometimes, act like you’re waiting for the other foot to drop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t deny that. I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustles] You may not want to die, but you can’t forget to… well, I was gonna say live, but that sounds like some ridiculous fucking hallmark card, I just...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hallmark cards have gone downhill in the past seventy years. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sounds like most things have.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The pizza’s better. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Haha, ha, well. At least that’s something. Can I kiss you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [hair ruffling] You never have to ask that. Unless your breath is terrible. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [lip smacking] Moose gets to kiss you with terrible breath. I just taste like whiskey.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

But it’s good whiskey. You know I love when you taste like whiskey. I probably have to, or I’d be out of luck. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, good. That’s good.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. Ah. I’m sorry, too. We’re all right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course we’re all right. We’ll figure it out. I mean, you’re a tactical genius. And I make a mean robot. It’ll work out.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [deep breath] Let me put the food away. We can have gratin for breakfast. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I would love gratin for breakfast. I’m making hot chocolate. With marshmallows. And possibly heating up the jacuzzi.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I-- 

[inaudible]

That sounds perfect. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Yeah. Perfect.

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/BUNKER/2014/02/19/0800.txt}**


	410. Trouble Usually Finds Me

**{WIDOWSWEB10.9.4.4 SURVEILLANCE MONITOR RUNNING:HOME SYSTEM}**

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...had her hands over her mouth. She finally lowered them to say, “Sirius Black escaped to come after you? Oh, Harry… you’ll have to be really, really careful. don’t go looking for trouble, Harry…” 

“I don’t go looking for trouble,” said Harry, nettled. “Trouble usually finds--”

[laughter]

Sounds familiar. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** “Sirius Black” sounds like an incredible supervillain du jour, doesn’t he? Terrible name, Ms. Rowling.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Excellent name for a blackout cake, though. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Or a goth band.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch] Sirius Black and the Fifty Shades of Grey? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [smooching] [rustling] “Mister Black will see you now.”

[knocking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** …..huh.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s Stark. [inaudible] Give me a minute? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** If you must.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sigh] Clothes. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** It’s better this way, at least where Tony is concerned. [chuckling]

[inaudible]

[footsteps]

[fabric rustling]

[door creaking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Oh…. Tony? Hi, Moose. What can I do for you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, Bruce. Is Nat around?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah, of course. 

You look tired… come on in.

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark? What’s the matter? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ll put on some tea. Come in. 

[footsteps]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Do you want me to give you two some privacy?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh… no, Brucey. Stay. Do I like tea? I’m not sure if I like tea.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’m sure we have some that’s caffeinated, you’re bound to like that. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If you don’t want tea, we’ve got a nice tempranillo open, or there’s a riesling. Bruce, can you get the…

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah, of course. I’ll wash out the glasses.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, really, tea is okay. Probably better, really.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tony Stark turning down a full bodied red?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Full bodied reds are more your speed these days, aren’t they?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I haven’t had red hair in a year and a half, Stark. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [chuckle] I’ll put the kettle on.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is Steve all right? 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know, he doesn’t like the taste of - or you mean, more generally? Is it that obvious he’s why I’m here? Can Moose - ?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [snuffling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course. Just not on the furniture. At this hour of night? It would be Avengers-related, Ana-related, or Steve-related, and you’d text me about the other two first. 

[silence]

Do you need a hug? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …….yes. 

[footsteps]

[rustling]

Mmm. You wear my mother’s perfume. Did I ever tell you that?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hmm. [sniff] You didn't, but I'm not exactly surprised. Sage and rosemary oil. Here. Sit anywhere. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I suppose not.

[chair legs scraping]

Thanks.

[claws clicking, lapping]

Hey, Moosey-goosey. Stay off.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re not angry, so you didn’t fight. What is it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I want your read on him. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That could take a few days. Read on what aspect? You don’t trust your own judgment? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** About his whole - his thing. His not-naming-dogs-not-buying-furniture-giving-away-all-his-money thing.

My judgement’s a little skewed.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How did you find out about the money? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I cornered him and it came out. He’s quitting SI, and we were talking about his finances finances, and I realized his numbers don’t add up. You knew he was going half of his paychecks away and you never said anything? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t tell him your secrets, either, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And it doesn’t alarm you in the context of his soul-crushing depressive tendencies?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you remember how I didn’t tell anyone you were dying until you had a handle on it? Should I have dealt with that differently?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was a wreck. It couldn’t have _hurt._

[silence]

I don’t know what to make of it. This… thing, with him and impermanence. Or maybe I do know what to make of it, but it pisses me off.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It pisses you off, but it’s his head.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, I mean it pisses me off that he has to feel that way, not that….

[footsteps]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Pot’s warm, be careful.

[tray on glass tabletop] 

Does Moose eat table scraps?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, his instructional DVD says it’s a bad idea - but Steve does it constantly, so you know. Whatever.

We were just discussing my quasi-suicidal boyfriend’s refusal to make anything permanent. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [paws, snuffling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The former description being a deduction based on the latter established behavior? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No shit, sherlock.

[sipping]

You told me this was happening weeks ago and I didn’t see it. I thought maybe you were wrong or misreading - and then he named the dog and I thought things were improving? But it turns out he was sitting around in my company working a job he hated because he thought I’d be pissed if he quit, and it brought into stark fucking relief how little he actually cares about himself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Respective to what? Do you have a sense of what he does care about? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know.

It probably sounds arrogant to say “me”, right.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** It’s obvious how much he cares about you, Tony.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce is right. It’s not arrogant if it’s true. What else? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He made me dinner. I asked about work, and it just sort of....

He cares about his public appearance. And the team. And the dog. It’s just the - the way he lets his plans fall through. The way he gives his shit away. I -- accidentally called him crazy, and he just… [footsteps]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Why don’t you sit back down? The pacing is making Moose nervous.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What did he do? Keep going, Stark. Try to put things in words, even if it’s difficult. I don’t want to put words in your mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I…. think he thinks that nothing he does here matters because none of it will last. He told me he thought he’d be dead by thirty.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Would it be accurate to say that every time he gets comfortable with something, he loses it? I told you to watch for the times when he says he doesn’t know what he wants. It’s always when he has to make a decision about something that has potentially long-term results. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I started pressing him for more; I wanted him to actually think about why he was saying it, and it was… more than I was prepared for.

[breath]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hey, Tony, you’re okay. Deep breaths, yeah?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I hate problems I can’t solve. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I know the feeling. [patting]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’ve had to rebuild yourself. More than once. You know what that’s like. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But - I’m good at building things. Steve’s not… I don’t know what to do. Every time I suggest a solution he gets angry. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What sort of solutions have you suggested? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus, it’s a long fucking list. It started with college. He told me he wanted to go to school, but couldn’t pay for it. I offered him money, then said it could be a loan, then said he could work for SI to earn it or I could pay him for fixing up the mansion, or something. And then it turns out he gives away more than half of every paycheck the entire time, so it was all fucking pointless. 

He’s just fucking inventing reasons to be miserable. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Does he seem miserable? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. It’s not always obvious -- and he has good days. But it’s kind of a constant backdrop, particularly when he’s not running ops.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Would it help if I asked for more assignments? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe. I feel safer when he’s got his hands full. At least he seems to know who he is when he’s got the mask on.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ll see what I can do. And the money? Is he...giving it away because he doesn’t like having it, or because he likes giving it away? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think he believes he’ll never need it. He figures he’s on fucking borrowed time and therefore doesn’t need to do shit like save for the long-term.

I gave away my shit. When the palladium shit happened.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I remember that very vividly. But you’re used to having things. You know how to enjoy having things. Having money is a default for your way of life. Steve isn’t even used to having _sugar_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to have those things. I don’t -- I don’t get it. He’s this fucking amazing son of a bitch who doesn’t seem to think he deserves a space in this world. It’s so fucking _frustrating._

[rustling, footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the people in the world don’t have as much as they deserve. Most people learn that what we have isn’t related to how good we are. If it was, this would be a very different world. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the world isn’t Steve. Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the world can go to hell.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the world doesn’t have Tony Stark to back them up, but my point is that Steve wouldn’t see it that way. He doesn’t think he’s owed anything. He’s uncomfortable with gifts. Which I know must be difficult for you, considering how much you like to give them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not doing a very good job of explaining this. I don’t think it’s just a matter of giving and receiving gifts. It goes deeper than that.

[footsteps] 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [claws clicking]

[scratching]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re doing a fine job. Stark. 

[breath]

What do you need from me? If you need sympathy, I can do sympathy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want sympathy. You look at people the way I look at machines. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Which isn’t always the best thing. Is that what you want?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I guess I want an explanation. There ought to be a key-code or root access mechanism or something.

I hate people.

[pacing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** There is. It’s called time. Have you asked him what he needs? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He just tells me he doesn’t know. Then refuses to try anything I suggest.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But all your suggestions seem to be related to money. 

Have you suggested anything else? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….therapy. I don’t know. I told him he needed to see a shrink. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s supposed to be seeing one with SHIELD, but he’s never gone. What did he say? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He said he thought he should see one - he was supposed to start in December, but I recommended Pepper’s, and when they fell apart he let the matter drop.

I guess admitting it might be helpful is an improvement over last time we had the see-a-shrink conversation. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You might...want to prepare him for it. Talk to him about what he wants to bring up when he goes. You might also want to walk him to the door, just to make sure he actually goes through with it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...he asked me to go with him. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He did? That’s…

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** That’s a huge show of trust, T.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know if he meant just, like, show up and make him go or if he wants me to go in and like….talk about feelings…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, he’s your fucking boyfriend, you should be talking about feelings. You could just ask him what he means.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I will. I just - know I’m probably part of his problem. I want him to be able to talk about me there.

…

You’re holding hands. That’s adorable. Also kind of gross; Bruce, you’ll get girl cooties.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re not worried about me getting boy cooties? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Dude cooties are the best cooties. I’m super into dude cooties at the--

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Way, way too much info, Tony. Also, we know.

Either way, it’s great that Steve is willing to go and that he wants you to join him. I think it’s a great idea.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** So if he needs to talk about you, they can kick you out of the room. You’re not part of his problem, Stark. You might be the reason he’s actually _dealing_ with his problems. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ……..

[glass on table]

Yeah?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah, of course yeah.

You know I had my reservations when you two started dating; but now I honestly think you’re influencing each other in positive ways. Despite everything, this last month you’ve been… I’m not sure how to say it. More level, even-keeled. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m obviously not around you as much as Bruce is, except when we’ve been play-dating, so I don’t know if I can comment on that with as much acuity, but I can say that Steve starts...manifesting that lack of certainty when he’s considering things he _wants_ to last. 

The last time I saw him exhibit the sort of behavior you’re describing was when he moved into the Tower. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wish “things he wants to last” was the rule, not the exception.

So you don’t think he’s… likely to, you know. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Kill himself? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [breath] 

I don’t think I should put this gently. I don’t think he’d try to take his own life. I do think he’d jump in front of a train to save someone else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- I think most of the Avengers would. It’s just that with Steve it -- seems like he’s not always looking for an alternative. Is that...accurate?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t think that’s quite a fair comparison. Bruce and Thor wouldn’t be risking their lives. I wouldn’t do it. Clint would only do it for a woman he’d been assigned to kill and then fallen madly in love with.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s fair.

I still think that’s not a particularly abnormal thing for someone bearing the expectations of an entire world. The self-sabotage martyrdom thing makes some kind of sense. But the being-able-to-do-things-for-yourself-and-yet-suffering-without-them thing?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark. He thinks he killed his best friend. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Barnes? He never talks about Barnes.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s why he never talks about Barnes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Damn it. That fucker casts a long fucking shadow.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It isn’t about Sergeant Barnes. It’s about why Steve is Steve. And that part? That’s the part _I_ understand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How do I fix it?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** People can’t be fixed.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** People _shouldn’t_ be fixed. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** People can - and should - be loved, and helped, and supported, but you can’t expect to fix someone. I think the sooner you let go of that way of thinking, the more you’ll accomplish when it comes to Steve - or any of us, really.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You sound like a fucking twelve step program.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** There’s a reason for that.

Go with him to see a therapist. That’s your step one.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And maybe see one on your own, too. I know you’ve been before. I think it would help, right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know.

And I can’t really bitch at Steve about avoiding the situation if I’m doing the same damn thing, right? Hah.

[sipping]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Who are you, and what have you done with Tony Stark?

[chuckling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And meanwhile, you and I can look at the privatization timeline again. We can find some work to give Steve that’ll make him feel like he’s helping keep the planet intact. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah - that might be a good idea. Maybe he’ll think twice about jumping in front of a train.

[claws clicking on floor] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh. I want to give you something. Do you-- are you going to have much time for reading? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here and there. 

I’m a pretty fucking fast reader, though.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Give me one-- [smooch] I’ll get you more water for your tea-- 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You guys seem… good.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** We’re brilliant, Tony. Due in no small part to your assist--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nope! Stop it! Enough mushy emotional shit going on tonight without your adoration of my kind and generous nature… oh no, no boy, I said mushy, not Moosey. But I’ll scratch your ears anyway.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [chuckling] You’re a dog person. Weird.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you not? Look at his face. His fucking adorable ridiculous face.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** He reminds you of Steve, doesn’t he.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re a good match.

[footsteps]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** It seems like he’s good for you, too.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Et voilà, mon cher. And these are for you...I don’t know if you’ve read them...Bruce gave them to me...early on? And one of the protagonists always reminded me a little of you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _A Wrinkle in Time?_ Huh.

It’s funny, I never read children’s books growing up.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Neither did I, until last year. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** They might do you good. Who knows. Hah -- _Who._ They’re good books, Tony. They got me hooked on cellular microbiology.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _There are still stars which move in ordered and beautiful rhythm. There are still people in this world who keep promises. Even little ones…That’s enough to keep my heart optimistic no matter how pessimistic my mind..._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pages turning]

Yeah, alright. I’ll read it.

Maybe Steve would like it?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No. You’re not giving him _A Swiftly Tilting Planet_ if you don’t want him running off to save the world. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aaaaaaalright, then. Plane-reading, then, not bed-reading.

[sipping, glass clinking]

Alright, people. That’s it for the emotional cache-dump. Try to restrain your joy at my departure.

[footsteps, claws clicking]

Steve’ll be wondering where I am, I’m supposed to be taking the dog out.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tell us if you need anything else, all right Stark? Or send Steve over if you think he needs another perspective. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, okay. I -- thanks, you two. I appreciate it.

I’ll let you know if the, uh, situation changes.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Goodnight, Tony.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Goodnight, Moose. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmph. C’mon, boy, let’s go find your daddy.

[gravel crunching, door closing]

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** If Steve is “daddy”....

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I wasn’t going to say anything. But yes. 

[breath] I’m going to get some of those--

[footsteps] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Thanks -- and milk? I think it’s my turn to read.

[pages rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [echoing] Mm-hmm, we’re out of almond milk, but we still have two percent. Did I do all right? We all know emotions aren’t really my forté. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You were brilliant. Not many people are fluent in Stark; you bring a directness to the table that helps him.

It’s interesting that he came to you; interesting and good, I think.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It means he understands what I was asking him for, at least. 

[rustling] 

[sigh, dishes clinking on table]

It makes me thankful I have you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I know. I feel the same.

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Book? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm. Where were we…. [pages rustling]

Ah, right. “ _I don’t go looking for trouble,” said Harry, nettled. “Trouble usually finds me._ ”

**[SAVING TO PARTITION 2]**


	411. Same bat time

S –

Given how much I hate leaving you, I seem to do it an awful lot.

Miss you already. I’ll call tonight – same bat time, same bat channel, and I will of course require my weekly sexy motorcycle airport pickup on Monday. Becky cleared my Tuesday – let me know what you want to eat, breakfast’s on me.

See you soon.

T

PS I let Moose out before I left, so he's good for a while. 

PPS I sent someone to SI to clean out your desk; everything's taken care of... get some rest, enjoy your first day of freedom.


	412. Form and Function

T--

Sorry we had so little time and we spent part of it at each other's throats. I didn't want to do that. 

I'll take what you said under consideration. I called SHIELD and got the login for our healthcare provider and have a list of psychologists. The trick is going to be convincing myself to bare my soul to a complete stranger when you know I don't even do that for you. 

I sent a tray of cookies to the office, and another one to HR. I should have gone and cleaned out my desk myself. Not doing it makes me feel like a bit of an ass. 

Look, that snake thing…Natasha came by a little bit ago and we started gong through those papers Ray found in the back of that frame. 

It looks like it's connected to that helmet that Howard never found, the one I told you about. That would line up with the theft of the South American maps. These people are looking for that helmet; that has to be it. 

Now that JARVIS is back up, we can look at his scans of the maps, too, and he has a 3D scan of the ring, but we're not really learning anything new from that. It looks like an ordinary ring in form and function. 

We're out on assignment tonight, but Natasha says she's going to cross-check all of this with the SHIELD databases tomorrow during the day.

When you get back, I want to talk to you about meeting those kids. I don't want to put it off any longer. It's important to me, even if you think it's an idiot move. 

See you Monday. I'll call when I get in if it's not too late, but don't wait up. If you don't hear from me, call me when you get up tomorrow. 

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, team! WOW. We hit 100,000 hits yesterday.
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> 


	413. On your own

S –

I know speaking to a stranger about things that are near and dear to your heart is going to be weird, but weird can also be good. I expect you care more about my opinion of you than what other people think. Maybe you’ll find it easier to speak to someone who you don’t have a vested interest in. I don’t know.

I’m doing the same. I used moving back to New York as an excuse to quit seeing someone, because I was too wrapped up in Pepper to talk about losing her, and then lately things have been so good… but I want to be, I don’t know, better. Better at this whole us thing at least, and the whole team thing too.

You’re not on your own.

It sounds like you guys are onto something with the helmet thing. If this is going to necessitate a trip to South America I’ll start putting our resources in motion.

Can we talk about the kid thing when I get back? I’d like to go with you.

T


	414. 48 hours

Sir: 

New data incoming. I'd like a decision on this in 48 hours, or I'm going to have to make one on my own.

Also have a suspicion re: the break-in but still trying to figure out what the game is, here. The pieces don't add up.

Widow

P.S. Stark's been looking at Rogers' finances. Sooner or later, someone is going to ask about his paycheck.


	415. Give me 24

Widow:

Looked over the intel. WSC won't clear action in South America without a legitimate threat. They're not explaining what qualifies as legitimate, but they're calling this "unverifiable folklore." 

Pointed out that we currently have a Norse god on our payroll. They remain inflexible. 

Give me 24. 

NF

PS The only person we have to disclose to re: Cap's financial status is Cap himself.


	416. Play Babysitter

Stark,

I don't mean to play babysitter, but I went over to the house to go through some of Howard's things with Steve. 

We talked about Steve giving away his money. 

I'm fairly certain at least some of it is earmarked for those kids. 

You need to talk to him. If he's going to do this, it needs to be protected so that those parents can't take it. He needs sound financial advice, which is something I'm not equipped to give, but you also are going to have to be patient with him about it. 

There are also some issues pertaining to SHIELD that need to be sorted out at our earliest convenience. I know how much you cherish and adore team meetings, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to call one for Tuesday. I want us all in the room for this. 

Widow


	417. All the nice things

Legal –

I’m trying to be patient with him, but he gets defensive and bitchy when it comes up and I tend to respond in kind – but financial advice I can do. We can set up a trust that'll mature as they age and be earmarked for college and shit. 

I don’t care if he gives his money away to the kids - I just don’t want him to give away so much that he’s paralyzed by financial insecurity. I'm sick of the spartan fatalistic i-don't-deserve-nice-things bullshit - Steve deserves all the nice things. All of them.

You have power of attorney, right? Does that extend to payroll? It may be none of my goddamn business but I’d appreciate you sneaking a look at his pay stubs, see what the fuck SHIELD is actually paying him.

I hope he comes over when we roll this scene into a private party. At least we’ll pay him what he deserves.

I’m returning home Monday afternoon, but I'll be in follow-up meetings all Tuesday. Give me a time, I’ll have Becky clear an hour and even if I can't get back to the Westbury house I’ll call in.

T


	418. Plan of Attack

Mme:

Stark reinstated his security system and hired human guards. Don't think it's a good idea to send agents to the house without a new plan in place. You might want to reconsider your plan of attack.

Diamond


	419. Oh Captain

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMAGE: An old Captain America #1 comic cover showing Captain America knocking out Hitler, also featuring "Captain America's Young Ally, Bucky" is used as the background for a cut-and-pasted ransom note. The note reads:
> 
> Oh Captain,
> 
> See attached photos.  
> We have your granddaughter  
> and her children. If you wish to  
> see them unharmed come  
> alone and unarmed to the  
> Stuyveysant Arms hotel,  
> W 238 St.  
> Bring the controller.  
> Attempts to inform the  
> authorities or your fellow  
> Avengers will be  
> met with grave  
> consequences.


	420. Completely Unnecessary

All:

I apologize for the lack of notice, but I am leaving the ransom note and photos that I received here on the table. As you can see from this correspondence, someone has kidnapped Catherine O'Neill and her children.

Cursory research suggests that the address listed in the letter has previously been in use by members of the Serpent Society.

I have my shield, am fully armed and have my phone on my person. As we've dealt with members of the Serpent Society in the past, I'm not terribly concerned about the risk they present. Consequently, having weighed the possibility that these children may be in very real danger, I've opted to abide by their request

The letter mentions a controller, which I believe is the same thing that the intruders at New Year's were looking for. Any ideas? The New Year's plot seemed complicated for a group like the Serpent Society, but maybe we have more than one group looking for it. If it's worth a lot of money, it would fit with the Serpent Society's MO, at least. Nevertheless, I have no idea what it is. As I don't intend to negotiate with these people, I hardly need to know what it is right now, but if it is actually in demand, we should probably figure it out sooner, rather than later.

This may be completely unnecessary, but if you do not hear from me by approximately two in the afternoon, please deploy assistance to the Stuyvesant Arms Hotel in the Bronx. I did feed and walk the dog, and there is a slow cooker full of short ribs on the counter in the kitchen --those should be fine on their own, as they need to cook until four. If anyone wants to join me for dinner, you're all very welcome. 

Please don't mention it to Tony-- he's too bogged down with work, and he'll only worry. I'll tell him about it tonight. 

\--Steve


	421. You need to come home.

Stark,

I'm sorry to deliver this message this way, but I know you're in that stockholders' meeting all day, and you're not picking up your phone. You need to come home. It's Steve. We're on our way to St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital with him now. Call me when you can. 

\--N


	422. Please

I'm eastbound, eta 17:00, calling asap

don't let them do anything without me.

T


	423. Dial it

**{IRONMAN.MARK.XLV VOICECALL LOG ACTIVE 2014.02.22 13:33}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: N 38°44.66' W 108°32.99]

{{RECORDING}}

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, I’m registering elevated heart-rate, blood pressure; your physical symptoms suggest an oncoming panic attack. Are you certain you wish to proceed?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Dial it, J. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, your heart rate has not dropped to an acceptable level since Agent Romanova's message. There are safety overrides in place that take precedence --

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I don't give a shit about my heart rate_ \- I need to know what's happening, _I need to make a plan._

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, there's likely nothing you can do from--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I said _dial it_. I'll override your permissions if I have to - just fucking place the call.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** .... dialing Agent Romanova.

Do what you will. I’ll ground the suit before I allow your physical symptoms to risk your safety.

[ringing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck's sake--

[click]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Stark._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Talk to me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Steve’s in surgery. It’s bad, Stark. How much do you want to know over the phone?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m inbound, tell me everything. I didn’t receive a call to assemble - what the fuck is going on?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Someone kidnapped those kids, Stark. The kids from the paternity suit. He went after them. Alone. Didn’t tell anyone._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Fuck._ That fucking fuckhead, I _told_ him--

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, your heart rate is escalating, please attempt to calm yourself; anxiety spikes will cause the automated landing procedure to activate--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck off, JARVIS. What hit him? I want to talk to -- were the kids recovered? He’s gonna flip if they were hurt, fuck --

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Thor's gone after the kids. You need to be prepared. He’s lost a lot of blood. He’s unresponsive. I need you here. I need you here to talk about it, because I’m the one who has to make these decisions._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No one’s making any fucking decisions - blood loss is covered by the deus ex superserum, he should pop right back up. Sit tight until the healing factor kicks in.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _We might have to make some decisions. You’ll understand the situation more when you get here._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t give me that bullshit, Nat. The serum-accelerated formation of blood cells in the marrow, it’s 20.73% higher than the average person’s, it’s _fine._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _We’ll talk when you land._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. We talk now. Don’t leave me in a tin can for three hours to wonder what the fuck is going on -- what happened? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _None of us were there. His femoral artery was severed, Tony. Twenty percent faster isn’t enough._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Where are you? What hospital? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Roosevelt. We got him as close to the Tower as we could. Bruce is with me._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. Okay, I’m -- oh, I’m already locked on Roosevelt. Thanks, J. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Of course, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Femoral artery, okay. How did you find him? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _He left a note at the house. Rachel went to walk the dog and found it._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why the fuck was Rachel at the house?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Listen to me, Tony. He lost six and a half pints of blood._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _I’m not trying to scare you. I just want you to know exactly what we’re dealing with before you get here._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _It’s a lot of blood. I know._

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Sir, your vitals have reached unacceptable levels, I recommend instating -- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t give a shit if it’s an attack you fucking box of bolts, you’d panic too if--- 

[breathing, wheezing]

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Call functions suspended. I have determined further conversation with Agent Romanova is detrimental to your ability to fly safely. Initiating autopilot. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fucking autopilot the -- JARVIS, it’s Steve, it’s-- don’t -- 

[panting]

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** My apologies, Agent Romanova. I have muted your conversation with Sir, anxiety attacks while piloting the suit risk triggering the emergency landing protocol. That type of delay is unacceptable at present. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Understood, JARVIS. Do whatever you need to do to get him here in one piece._

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Given our high rate of speed, I anticipate arrival in three hours twenty three minutes and eighteen seconds, I have requisitioned access to the hospital helicopter pad. Records indicate that they are scheduled to bring him to private intensive care room 207 B. Is this correct? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Yes, thank you, JARVIS. If you can order dinner for Stark, I’ll have Clint go pick it up before he arrives._

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Experience suggests that Mr. Stark will be disinterested in food; has the rest of the team eaten? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Call Nizza; I’m sure it would be appreciated. Get Clint a picante socca, an order of crispy octopus for me and Bruce, and whatever else you think is appropriate._

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Of course, Agent. I will keep you posted as to our trajectory via text, Mr. Stark is currently flying over northern Colorado.

I’ve tapped into hospital feeds and will see that pertinent information is forwarded on to Mr. Stark.

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Thank you, JARVIS. And please, call me Natasha. Take care. We’ll talk to you soon._

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Absolutely. 

[click] 

**{ENCRYPTING}**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/SUIT/VOICE.LOGS/2014/02/22/1338.txt}**  



	424. Manhattan Special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter is set in a hospital ICU and discusses severe injury and possible character death. If you find hospital scenes or discussions the death of loved ones triggering, a summary can be found in the chapter end notes.

**{{STARKSYSTEMS.J.A.R.V.I.S.V8.7 SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE}}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 1000 10th Ave, New York, NY 10019]

{{GHOST ACCESS ACQUIRED. SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE. FACIAL RECOGNITION LOCKED RM207B... }}

[footsteps, muffled arguing]

[door clanging open]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** St -- 

…

[silence] 

[heart monitors beeping]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [quiet sobbing, hiccup]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Tony. He’s...do you want us to give you some time alone? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...no. This is - it’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine. 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I know.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

[quietly] Steve -- Steve, can you hear me?

Steve? 

[movement, chair legs scraping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ray, Ray-ray, here-- come on, drink. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [cough] I--I’m sorry, I--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Stop that; you didn’t do anything wrong. Look, Manhattan Special. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve_ , you have to -- you have to get up. C’mon, I know you’re … open your fucking eyes. 

[rattling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** [footsteps] 

Stark. They’re going to make you leave if you keep that up. We’re already getting special treatment. Just...try to stay quiet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking breaths]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tony…

[footsteps]

Hey -- gently. If you shake him like that you’ll knock his IV out. 

[rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bruce --

[choked noises]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [rustle] He’s been non-responsive since he was checked in. He bled out on the table, twice, but the healing factor hasn’t measurably affected his recovery.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Rachel’s blood type matched; they did an emergency transfusion almost immediately; I think she has more cookies in her veins than blood right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I would -- but the residual palladium in my blood might… 

Fuck. [breath]

How do we fix this?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** They don’t know. He’s...there haven’t been any signs of improvement, but it hasn’t been long, either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So we wait. He’ll pull through. He’s -- that’s what Steve does, he pulls through. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’ve been in contact with SHIELD medical personnel, they’ve been scouring the old Erskine files again, but honestly - I’ve read them all, you’ve read them all. There are no projections regarding this particular type of trauma. It’s very specific. His brain function appears normal -- for him at least -- albeit depressed.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** He’s not breathing on his own. They’re having trouble keeping him hydrated. His other metabolic functions seem to be...normal. As in, wholly average. They want to give him a few hours to see if there’s any change. And then we can talk about what to do next. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’ll wake up. He’ll be smiling his dopey fucking whoops-did-I-do-that smile at you before six AM rolls around.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** We all want that, Tony.

But you need to spend some time thinking about what our other options are. I’m doing the same. Your father possessed records of Erskine’s trials, is there anything there that SHIELD wouldn’t have?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. I’ve read everything identified as such; I don’t recall anything that wasn’t consistently recorded.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You need files? I can drive out and get files. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** That would be really helpful, Becky.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re in the bunker. I’ve re-installed JARVIS in the lab, I’ll have him let you in.

[silence]

I’m not leaving.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** No one expects you to, Tony. You need to be here.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Right, I’ll call Clint; we’ll go get the stuff and bring it back. Um. Ray, are you going to be okay here? You wanna come with?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I...um… [deep breath] I- I’ve gotta stay. I’ll go down to the cafeteria or something. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** We need to ask Fury to release him -- I don’t like having him in a public hospital.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** You can handle monitoring if we bring him home, Doc? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Of course. Monitoring is simple, though any surgical procedures should be done by the appropriate experts.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Anything short of major surgery, we have the infirmary and the biomed floor. If we have to come back here...we come back. 

Tony? Bruce and I are completely at your disposal. Just tell us what you need. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah -- yeah.

[voice cracking]

[silence, rustling]

Just… can you leave us alone, for a minute?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** All right. Everybody out. 

[footsteps]

[silence] 

It’ll be okay. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling] Nat --

[cracked breath]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I know. Just...do what you need. I’ll call Fury. We’ll be right in the hall. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, yeah… okay.

Okay.

[footsteps]

[silence]

[heart monitor beeping]

{{SAVING….}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony arrives at the hospital to find Steve non-responsive. He is only breathing due to medical intervention. Natasha, Becky, Bruce and Rachel are present, Rachel having donated blood for Steve's various transfusions. Tony asks Becky to retrieve all of his files on the super soldier serum from the mansion, then requests that the room be cleared, giving him time alone with Steve. Before the others leave, he breaks down crying in front of Natasha.


	425. Steve "don’t-call-me-a-hero" Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter is set in a hospital ICU and discusses severe injury and possible character death. If you find hospital scenes or discussions the death of loved ones triggering, a summary can be found in the chapter end notes.

**{{STARKSYSTEMS.J.A.R.V.I.S.V8.7 SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE}}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 1000 10th Ave, New York, NY 10019]

{{GHOST ACCESS ACQUIRED. SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE. FACIAL RECOGNITION LOCKED RM207B... }}

[soft breathing]

[heart monitor beeping]

[door clicks open]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** [whispered] Stark? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmurgh, Natalie? Natasha?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Right here. 

[footsteps] 

Sorry to wake you. How is he? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sniffing] The -- same, I think. I... fell asleep.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** This is warfare; you sleep when you have a chance.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [creaking]

God, these beds are so fucking small.

When you see this kind of shit in movies it seems so … like, poetic. Romantic. Laying all night at someone’s bedside and swearing your love to their prone form and all that shit. 

In reality it’s just fucking awful. Catheters and O2 hoses and IV-drips that silently vanish.

I wish we were home.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Shall we take him home, then? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wha --

Move him? Now? It’s two in the morning.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** The hospital cleared it; he’s free to go, but Fury says S.H.I.E.L.D. is expected to bring him in. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck _that_ noise. [shuffling, rustling] What’s your play?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I signed him out. We get him to the Tower before they have men on the ground, we’ll be able to call the shots. We might still have to let them monitor, but he’ll be in our space, and you’ll be able to stay with him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah--

[voice breaking]

Yeah, well. The shield tech from New Years is installed, if they come for him I have no problem locking Fury’s ass out. Do we need the armor? I can fly him, he’s no longer on life-support services, but I don’t want to jostle him too much. 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I thought you might want to, but I wasn't sure if you would be up to it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can do it - sent the suit back to the tower, it'll be here in five. [tapping]

J, suit. Roosevelt. Eighth floor. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** _Yes, sir._

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** The nurse is going to be up to unhook him; Bruce is making sure we have all the necessary amenities in the lab. I’d better wait around. You need anything else? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I just need the suit.

[silence]

[heart monitor beeping]

You know I love him, right?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You know he loves you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I hoped.

…

I just wanted to tell someone. I’ve never told him. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I wouldn’t be asking for your input if I didn’t already know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...ah. Well. My motives were selfish, as usual.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You need to tell him, though. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t think he wants to know.

[kissing sounds]

He doesn’t think he deserves things like that. The minute I tell him, he’ll leave.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Love isn’t a job or a college tuition or a twelve-hundred dollar pair of shoes, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We’re talking about the same guy, right? Steve I-can’t-buy-a-bed Rogers, Steve I-won’t-name-my-dog Rogers, Steve don’t-call-me-a-hero Rogers?

It’s too soon. He’ll think I’m crazy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’re talking about the same guy, right? Steve I-have-six-entire-sketchbooks-full-of-pictures-of-Tony-Stark’s-feet-and-those-are-just-the-feet Rogers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s -- I always overdo things. It’s only been three months. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You and I both know it’s been a lot longer than three months. How is one of the most fearless people I know afraid to talk to someone who’s entirely smitten with him? It’s three words. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not that simple.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ll tell him if you don’t. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t fucking harass me about this when we don’t know if he’ll ever wake up. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I shouldn’t have to. 

[silence]

Maybe talk to Bruce about it. He’d understand better than I do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s…. not how Bruce and I work. We build hypotheses, we don’t talk about feelings and shit. I mean we do. But with science.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you think I talk about feelings, Stark? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. There’s a lot about you I don’t know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t do feelings. Observations, human behavior, which may or may not be the result of feelings. Educated guesses and decisions. I try talking about feelings and it sounds like a psych profile.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** But you do _feel._ I don’t believe you’re not feeling this.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] That’s not what I said. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I guess it’s not. 

I have a few fucking questions about what’s happened here. I need to talk to this Rachel girl, you have any educated guesses? I need to _do_ something.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I'm going to have Clint check into Rachel’s story. They're friends; I think she trusts him...or she'll at least be less guarded with him... but I have another educated guess that...I’m not sure how to put this together with her.

[rustling]

Here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

 _Nat._ Are you fucking serious? How long have you had this?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I tore the patch off one of the agents in the Tower. I’ve been under orders, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re saying Hydra infiltrated the tower? I killed half of those agents, I would have noticed.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Did you watch the video footage? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’ve been getting whispers for a year. Barton can corroborate. I made the recommendation not to say anything, back when the risk of Steve having a complete nervous breakdown seemed more imminent than the threat of an insane fringe Nazi uprising. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You realize how pissed he’ll be that S.H.I.E.L.D. hid this from him.

You realize _I’m_ pretty fucking pissed.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I changed my recommendation after New Year’s. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fucking Hydra infiltrated SI headquarters and fucking robbed my house and I wasn’t on the Needs-To-Know list? Jesus fucking Christ, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I _told you to watch the footage_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You could have given me the fucking Cliff’s notes! I didn’t want a reminder that I’d thrown some asshole off the forty second floor of my home, okay?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I _made an edit_. _I was under orders_. Why the hell do you think I’ve been pushing for privatization? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You trusted me enough to discuss undermining Nick fucking Fury via a privatization of his pet task force, but it takes Steve bleeding out on the table for you to drop a name?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You are more than within your rights to question my decisions. If we’re going to work together, we’re going to have to get used to solving immediate problems instead of arguing over past mistakes. And _doing what I ask you to do_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You withheld critical information. You let _him_ fucking walk unarmed into a hostage situation without any idea that Hydra teams could be involved -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m just as angry with myself as you are. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[breath]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And we’re going to fix him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[choked breathing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We need you to be thinking about what we can do to help him. That’s what we all need to be doing right now. 

That’s what I’m trying to do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine.

If you want privatization to work, you will be honest with me. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I was indirect, not dishonest. The entire point of wanting to privatize is so I _can_ be honest with you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Choose to be honest _now_. I’m willing to stake my company, my fortune, and my safety on the prospect of privatization; but I’m not taking that risk unless I'm sure you're completely onboard. If we’re actually forming a fucking independent organization, your S.H.I.E.L.D. connections need to be backseated. We need your loyalty the way Fury has your loyalty.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You must know you had it the minute I signed those release forms. 

[tapping on glass, low repulsors humming]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

My ride’s here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The nurse should be in any minute. Suit up. 

[window opening]

[electric whirring, joints clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. Let’s do this.

[faceplate clicks shut] 

{{Saving…..}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony is sleeping in Steve's hospital bed; Natasha enters at two AM and wakes him up. She tells him that S.H.I.E.L.D. wants to move Steve from the public hospital to the helicarrier facilities... Tony and Natasha distrust the organization and decide they'd rather keep him close in SI facilities. Natasha checked Steve out before speaking to Tony, so they elect to have Iron Man fly Steve to the tower, only two blocks away. Tony calls for the armor from SI.
> 
> Before they leave, Tony admits he is in love with Steve to Natasha, who tells him to be honest about his feelings for Steve when he wakes up. Tony doesn't think he'll be able to, as he's afraid admitting his feelings will scare Steve away. She then tells him about the Hydra logos on the tower infiltration team's clothing - Tony berates her for withholding information and accuses her of letting Steve be injured. She tells him she holds herself just as responsible as he does, then the suit arrives outside the window and they initiate their plan.


	426. Concern and Care

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: The Children In Question

My Friends,

I have Met our enemy and found them Lacking, particularly in what my Jane would refer to as Fashion Sense, as Snake Skin is very New Money. In Addition, their Defensive Tactics were abysmal - nobody Opens with a forward cross in These Times. I can only Conclude that such impertinent unwash'd louts prefer to pull their teeth from their Posteriors.

Upon his Waking, Please Inform Captain Rogers that the Children in Question are in safely in the Custody of SHIELD, their Mother is Most Distressed and requesting Sanctuary from the louse she lately Married, but after showing the young ones You Tube videos of Knut the Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinson we achieved a most Stalwart Bond and they have sent most Sincere notes of Apology and Condolence for the Captain's recent ailments. I did not wholly Impress upon them the severity of his Injury, but I Trust their Concern and Care will buoy his Spirits.

With the highest affection,

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  



	427. Bribery to blackmail

Natasha: 

Thor delivered Mrs. O'Neill and the kids to us; we have them in medical observation. Nothing more serious than a little dehydration, though they're definitely shaken. We'll send them to psych once they've slept. The kids are pretty quiet and we don't know how much they saw. 

You know we extracted new samples of Rogers' DNA when we pulled him out of the ice; we've got some of the more obvious genetic markers isolated. The blood doesn't match up. It would be possible to get an inconclusive determination, but this is an absolute negative. 

This is all mixed up with Roxxon, and we're banging our heads trying to get any kind of government clearance. According to O'Neill, someone from the company approached her husband with a massive bribe. She said she went along with it at first, but things started to get messy, and then they switched from bribery to blackmail. She doesn't know if it's actually connected to the kidnappers. She said she didn't recognize them, but she did say they were dressed like [expletive] (What do you know; the SHIELDtech upgrade censors my swears). We'll see what we can find out. 

Fury's in with O'Neill now. He had a message to pass on; he says he's going to have to send down some kind of disciplinary action for taking Rogers to the Tower, to let us know Cap's status as soon as you have an update, and don't do anything he wouldn't do, in that tone of voice that suggests you know exactly what he means. 

Maria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, all! A couple of you have requested something like this, so we've put together an Index/Table of Contents to help you wade through the many mini story arcs, and then we've been hard at work transcribing longer summaries of each chapter. So far we've summarized through the infamous Chapter 153. [You can read them here!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1655642/chapters/3511931)


	428. Advance Directive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter is set in SI's lab (almost an ICU!) and discusses severe injury, nonresponsive characters, medical trauma and possible character death. If you find hospital scenes or discussions the death of loved ones triggering, a summary can be found in the chapter end notes.
> 
> This chapter also contains a graphic description of Howard and Maria Stark's car crash and subsequent medical treatment.

[LVL 37 / RESEARCH FACILITIES MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: ROGERS.Steven.G., ROMANOVA.Natalia.A., STARK.Anthony.E.]

{{RECORDING}}

[heart monitor beeping]

[silence]

[door opening]

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony? I brought you breakfast.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey. Thanks.

[silence]

You look like hell.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Probably closer to purgatory. 

[dishes settling]

Bruce made egg sandwiches with cheese and sriracha on sourdough. They’re delicious.

Are you awake, or _still_ awake? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think I dozed; I don’t know. Just leave it on the table.

...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You didn’t eat dinner. You’re eating the sandwich. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It doesn’t matter. 

No changes.

Something should have changed by now.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No changes means no worse.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It means something is _really fucking wrong_.

[breathing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] How are you doing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wasn’t … prepared for this.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. None of us were. Can I-- do you want company? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you want.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [chair creaking] 

[silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I never thought it would be him. Look at him -- he’s, someone like him isn’t supposed to be here. I can’t understand why it’s him.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Remember when we talked about putting other people first? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But this is Steve. He’s -- he’s the soldier. He’s…

…

Those fucking kids. I told him it was a fucking con -- I fucking -- 

[breath]

If I hadn’t been so skeptical of these people, would he have called me? I was dismissive. He told me it was upsetting him and I didn’t...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He didn’t tell any of us. He left a _note_ on the kitchen counter, where he knew none of us would see it. Stark...don’t punish yourself for hypotheticals.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I had the resources to investigate the allegations independently, I just didn’t want him to focus on it. I knew he was upset.

God, Nat. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Remember what I said about past mistakes? That goes for your past mistakes as well as mine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He didn’t want me to know. He fucking -- deliberately kept me out of the loop. What does that even mean?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It means he wasn’t expecting it to be as much trouble as it was. He...you saw his note. It wasn’t any different than if he’d gone to the mall and wasn’t sure how long it would take.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m the only one he made it a point to exclude. We just fucking argued about being honest with each other and he just goes out and fucking Lone Rangers it up, _’don’t tell Tony--’_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re also the only one who’s…attached to him. I have missions I don't tell Bruce a word about. I might ask you not to tell him something, someday.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you demand complete honesty from him while you do it? It’s -- fucking hypocritical, is what it is.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I won’t argue with that. But at least try to understand the sentiment behind it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, yeah, he didn’t want me to worry, that doesn’t change the fact that it was a shitty thing to do. I’m so fucking pissed off and he’s just _laying there_ and that makes me feel ten times worse.

This shouldn’t have fucking happened. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Please eat the sandwich. If he’s at all conscious he’ll at least be aware that you’re not completely eschewing self-care. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

[plate scraping]

[chewing]

Thank you for checking him out.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [breath] 

Tony. There is something I should say to you. We don’t have to talk about it yet, but I should say it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t -- look, don’t -- 

It’s going to be fine. If you’re going to tell me something reasonable, fine. I’m not willing to listen to any fatalistic bullshit right now.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No fatalistic bullshit. You know I have power of attorney. Steve has an advance directive.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes.

[plate scraping]

We’re -- we’re not in a position where that matters, right now. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t want you to find out under other circumstances. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I Steve would have wanted me involved in any decisions made. I’m not going to let you do something we would regret. He would regret.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I assume you know what it says. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He never told me.

You don’t have to be a genius to guess what he’d ask for, given how…. how he is, sometimes.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want to see it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I --

…

When did he write it?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The first time? Right after New York...maybe a month, two months after? But we went over it again last winter. I know he’s looked at it since, but he hasn’t wanted to make any changes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A lot of things have changed since then.

I’m… we shouldn’t start talking about this sort of thing until we’ve exhausted other options.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, but you do need to be informed. 

[silence]

I’ve been where you are. Just...if it helps. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[heart monitor beeping]

It reminds me of my mom.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It reminds me of someone, too. I’m sorry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

With her it was so… I mean, she was a brilliant fucking woman. She didn’t flaunt it, like my old man did, she was this quiet powerhouse. 

He splattered his brains out on a windshield and died instantly, but she was -- it was slower. It was just like this.

She should have known better than to get into the car with my fucking drunk of a dad; Steve should have known better than to go alone. It’s such a -- waste. It makes me so fucking _angry_.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve’s not your mother, Tony. He’s still here. You said it yourself, it’s not time to talk about that, yet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you know your father wasn’t d-- 

[door opening]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Hey, not to interrupt, but Clint went to Dunkin’ Donuts and got you a dozen... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not hungry. Jesus, what is it with you people?

[footsteps] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I also have _this_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** oh, God, Florence. You’re an angel.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Careful, it’s super hot.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re super hot.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [smooch] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [cap unscrewing, coffee pouring]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sorry, I...don’t want to intrude, but Ray wanted to know if she could come down here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why the fuck is she here?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Because we all left the hospital?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chair scraping]

We brought him here to keep the gawking public away; this is a private matter. Not to mention that he’s situated in a proprietary fucking R&D level containing a fuckton of sensitive lab equipment, in-progress experiments, and prototype tech.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, it’s not like we’re going to parade in a shit-ton of people. She’s found Steve’s letter. She’s got stupid O-negative blood, so they pretty much sucked it all out of her yesterday, and she’s been sitting in Clint’s room sobbing most of the night. I know she’s not _you_ , but she’s taking it really hard.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If she’s upset she should remove herself from the situation. She’ll make things worse.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** For whom? You? Tony, I hate to say it, but you’re kind of being a dick. There are seven other people up there and Steve’s a little bit important to all of us. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** His ex-girlfriend’s art assistant hardly qualifies as a fucking close personal friend -- we don’t know anything about her, she hasn’t been cleared, some organization has already broken into two of my properties looking for an unknown item and you just want to --

[choked off silence]

[chair leg scraping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sigh] Look, if it’s really that much of a problem, I’ll tell her no. She just...probably should go home, and I feel bad sending her home without seeing him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** She saw him yesterday. He’s unchanged.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She cleared my background check, Stark. She had a few misdemeanors back in Austin when she was a kid, that’s it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t trust her.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t trust anyone. But we’re both in the room.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...do what you want.

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Pretend it’s PR. Smile, say thank you, move her along, okay? 

[footsteps]

[door opening] 

Yeah, but just for a minute, okay? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [deep breath]

Yeah.

[footsteps] 

Hi. Thanks...how’s Steve? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No change since last night.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You have any kind of prognosis? 

[breath]

Tony, I’m really sorry.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Call me Mr. Stark.

Nat said you found the note. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, _Mr. Stark_ , I did. It was dumb; I should’ve called you first--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, you should have. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [deep breath] I saw that fucking note, and I was...I just kind of went without thinking about the fact that his boyfriend’s, you know, Iron Man. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Boyfriend?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Is that not right? Steve kinda gave the impression-- I mean, we've hung out a few times...I walk your dog...He said you guys were doing Valentine's-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You are misreading this situation, Rachel. And if you weren’t, one would hope you had the good sense to know that the private personal dealings of a powerful billionaire are best left alone.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [breath] I-- what? Jesus, I didn’t take out a billboard in Times Square or anything; I’m _expressing my sympathies_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just keep in mind some of us have a legal team ten miles wide that doesn’t appreciate rumor and libel. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t give a fuck about your legal team, and even if I did, i have, like, four hundred dollars? Your lawyers can have it. I give a fuck about Steve. I’m sorry he’s hurt.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Being sorry doesn’t change the fact that you chose to head to the Bronx solo when you’re dealing with a house full of superheroes and demi-gods, including two team members trained explicitly in extraction and hostage negotiation, on a regular basis. But, you know, dog-walker to the rescue, why the fuck not.

Why the fuck were you at my house?

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What? To walk your dog? Like I do whenever Steve’s out.

[breath]

I know it was stupid. I called Natasha as soon as I realized. It’s not like I deal with kidnappings every day!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** In his note Steve said the dog was fine. How long have you been walking the dog? Do you have keys?

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, I couldn’t see the note until I got there. I just go over at the same time every day. 

Why are you-- Of course I have keys.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Keys. Now. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Jesus. [rustling]

[jingling]

I don’t see-- 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, I told Steve to hire her; we all got kinds of screwed after the fire. She’s been working for me and Steve’s had her doing chores around the house. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nobody should _ever_ be given keys to a Stark property without my express permission; I do a shitton of SI and personal R &D at Westbury, their integrity cannot be compromised by every impoverished liberal arts-bred sophist _you_ feel sorry for.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I _asked_ you if I could throw some work her way; you know I did. Ray can barely turn her computer on by herself-- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hey, unfair.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** \--But true. I doubt she’s a threat to your R &D. The keys are my bad, all right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** When you asked to give her work I didn’t realize you meant _handing her keys to a house full of proprietary hard & software, priceless art, and extensive valuable collections._ For future reference--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No more keys. I’ve got it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Keys are fine provided the appropriate background checks and logs take place. _Ask_.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Done. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Rachel_ , describe to me how you found him.

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [breath] Right now? Are you kidding? [gulp] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I was with her when we found him, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So tell me. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He--

[deep breath] 

There-- 

[sob] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony. You didn’t ask until now. Do you want that? I’ll tell you everything, just...Rachel, the tissues are over there. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [sob]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I want to hear it from her. She’s the fucking odd man out in this equation, it doesn’t make any sense that she of all people would -- would be there, be involved in this. It can’t be a coincidence.

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [sob]

[chair scraping]

[choke]

[sob]

[breath] _Fine_ There was blood everywhere. He was lying on the floor, crumpled over like he’d been trying to stop the bleeding, wearing jeans and a grey tee shirt and a black jacket and there was blood all over, his clothes, his hair. Everything. He...he hand one hand up over his mouth, like-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Where there any signs of what hit him?

Nat? Weapons casings, any kind of equipment, any...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It looked like an execution. Blades, blunt instruments. They took his shield. After hitting him with it. Repeatedly.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

It’s just -- it’s not right, something doesn’t add up. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] If we’re going to talk about this now, I’m not dragging civilians into it. Who else should be part of this?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No one.

...

Avengers.

Sorry, Becks. Give us twenty minutes alone and then we’ll do a team all-call.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No offense taken, seriously, _totally fine_ leaving the superheroing up to people who are better equipped. Ray. Come on. Do you want me to tell the others you want them in here, or do you really just want you two? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, can we-- ?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Becky, have Clint take Rachel home. Tell him to pick up some bagels on the way back. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** He just got donu-- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bagels.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okaaaay. Bagels. I can--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tell Clint. He knows everyone's order.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Right, Clint, bagels, fine.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Rachel, I’m sorry, but I think it’s best for you to-- you can come back tomorrow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [throat clearing]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [ragged breath] You know what? Fuck off.

[chair scraping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Tomorrow. Sorry. I really-- bye. 

[door opening and shutting]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** She hasn’t slept since it happened. I’ll get her home. You need anything else first? Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Have JARVIS inventory all medical inventory at the tower and hire in contracting crews, I want a proper fucking infirmary built ASAP. Have the driving staff on call. Clear all my appointments for the next ...three days.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Right; I’ll just go whip up a hospital, then. Cancel appointments, JARVIS inventory. Got it. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And bagels.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Iiiii...will tell Clint to get bagels.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** All Stark properties are on lockdown, Avengers only. And you, Becky. That’s it.

Would you mind walking Moose?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, Clint and I brought him back this morning. We’ll take care of him. Uh. SI employees? Paid work closure?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Only for tower-based staff - and the Old Westbury house. Those who telecommute -- nah. Fuck it. Give ‘em all a day. I’m the fucking CEO, what are they gonna do?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sure, I’ll be back in a little. Text if you need anything else.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Becky?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry I’m horrible. I’ll keep you posted on Steve.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [smooch] Tell him I said hey if he’s up before I get back. 

[footsteps] 

[door closing] 

[cap screwing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Talk to me. You have to know something here fucking stinks.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Rachel was up in Harlem before she called me. She found the note, even though there’s a house full of people sharing that kitchen. Last night she was panicky and sobbing in a way that doesn’t hold with her competence during the gallery fire. Obvious crush on Steve aside. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Obvious -- 

[silence]

Yeah. I’m with you.

What about Becky?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Becky is one of the very few people outside this team I’d trust right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I feel the same. Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re not crazy. If I’d realized she’d been in the house on her own, I would have done more than a preliminary background check. I had no idea Steve had her over there; there’s no reason to drag her all the way to the house when he could easily have asked Darcy. But Clint's going to talk to her when he takes her home; he'll see if there's anything suspicious in her apartment, too. The bagel order's our watchword. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stupid. It’s all - 

[silence, breath]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s not stupid; he’s good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well, look where that got him. The dog I bought to keep him safe got him garotted in an alley. That might actually be a worse gift than the fucking custom rabbit.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I'm fairly certain there was no garrotte.

[heart monitor beeping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

They must have done something to him to suppress the super soldier serum. His body wants to heal itself, it just -- can’t.

[rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Rachel’s no scientist. Unless she’s a better actress than she lets on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’d vote actress before I voted legit. Someone else is involved.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Then I’ll get her to tell me who. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If anyone can, it’s you. But -- it’s all, I mean it’s important and we need to know, but it means nothing when Steve’s not with us to act on it. You really don’t know what hit him?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I think it’s more a question of what _didn’t_. They actually slashed him open with some kind of long blade, and...there were burns... You can see his face, his-- probably some blunt weapons, too. And whipmarks. Not-- it’s Steve. You know what kind of pounding he can take. But he’d been...Bruce found traces of a compound similar to the one that hit me on New Year’s, higher concentration, but it didn’t seem to have the neurotoxin component. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They knocked him out and attempted to beat him to death.

[silence]

[choked noise]

Even grown, he can’t get away from bullies and cowards. Jesus fuck.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’ve got a ransom note at the mansion. We can see if there’s any clue to their identity. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Clues--

Nat, who’s at the mansion? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fuck. Clint and Becky were last night, but now they’re...obviously not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [dialtone, beeping]

I need emergency services. Police. 71 Westbury Rd, Westbury -- yeah. Break-in. We have staff on hand so there could be injuries. It was a threat -- do, excuse me? Do you know who the fuck I am? Yeah. Exactly. So give me a full fucking response here, I’m not fucking around.

[click]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The swearing wasn’t really necessary, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s done, alright?

Think, Nat, think. What could inhibit the supersoldier serum? Doctors didn’t find any hypodermic marks, there was the suggestion of gas, but he’s been exposed to that at least twice.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Has anything ever made him heal more slowly? A...something on the cellular level? [snort] You want Bruce for this. I’m a killer; everything I know about biology I learned to assassinate Nobel Prize winners.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I’ve-- read all his files. I’ve spent a lifetime studying them, to be slightly more accurate -- the super soldier serum regenerates on a cellular level, it’s been married to the genetic structure of his body .. but the likelihood of something affecting him on such a base level is low, that require access to significantly advanced equipment, not to mention very specific skill-sets… 

He’s on a high glucose-content IV drip, makes sense, he craves sugar like no one I’ve ever met, which I can only assume is a side-effect of increased metabolism… but his blood sugar levels are still high, meaning he’s not metabolizing what they’ve given him, meaning there’s a problem at the processing level…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Did Bruce analyze the solution?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I sent him up with some - we have the bag we came with. There should be plenty of residue for testing and/or batching. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [beeping]

Hi, Doc. No change. No. Yes, he ate some. Do you mind making up more IV juice for Steve? Yeah. Thanks. 

[tapping] 

What else? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [pacing] What else did they -- Rachel gave blood. How much blood did you say he was given? Six pints? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Six pints. Only one of them was Rachel’s; they won’t let one person give more than a pint at a time. Should I see if she’s left yet? Get them to bring her back? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You tell me. You’re the fucking master spy -- whatever you think the best way to get information from her is, you do it. 

But it’s unlikely that .. I mean, no, let me think….

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I was thinking about getting her blood more than information. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll call.

[beeping]

[ringing]

No answer. Fuck.

Okay, think. The odds of someone putting something into him via Rachel’s blood without damaging her personally is….low.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If it’s something that specifically interacts with the serum’s healing factor? She’s not a supersoldier. We can see if her blood has an effect on serum-treated blood. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** When they draw blood they typically take two small samples for iron and disease testing in addition to the pint bag -- doctors at the hospital here should still have it on file. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How do we get to the samples? I don’t want to turn this into an international incident. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pay off a nurse. Or steal one. Or suck her dry when she turns up tomorrow to malinger and sulk.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She’s not sulking. Sulking is a depressive state. Her eyes are too dilated; her heart rate is too fast. She’s scared. I have my suspicions as to what she’s scared _of_ , but that hardly constitutes sulking. 

What about the oxygen machine? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let me --

[clanking, hissing]

No… he’s on my o2, has been all night. That’s clear.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** So that just leaves the blood.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The--

……

Mmm. Yeah.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I might be able to use my SHIELD access to requisition the samples. Let’s try that before committing theft. I can have Bruce devise a test. I don’t know if we’d actually have to transfuse the blood into my veins to see what it does, but we can start by having Bruce draw blood and see how it interacts with the modified serum. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So, you’re…. you’re really.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Not-quite-really, but yes, really. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bruce knows?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce figured it out. Clint knows. That’s all. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We can’t risk two Avengers down for the count; Steve would kill me. Bruce will figure out a way to test it.

I don’t have a lot of faith in transfusions.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I wouldn’t have much faith in transfusions looking at Steve, either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[silence]

My mother, too. They swore up and down transfusion would save her; didn’t stop her from dying on the table.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] They gave your mother a transfusion? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mm. It didn’t go her way. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of normal blood?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Normal?_ As far as I know it was fucking normal. The bloodtypes matched, but her body … 

What the fuck are you getting at?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I'm getting at _Steve_. Did they do any follow-up? Is there a report? What do you remember?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I remember everything. I always remember everything.

There was a post-mortem autopsy that showed internal hemorrhaging and massive organ failure. Obie - Stane and I opened a malpractice lawsuit regarding the events and lost, there was no proof of medical error. Is this relevant?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** of course it's relevant. If the transfusion could have interacted...your mother shouldn't have died without extreme...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was pretty fucking extreme, Nat. The old man played chicken with an eighteen wheeler and ended up eviscerated by a windshield. Mother managed to unbuckle her seatbelt and squeeze out the fucking sunroof before the authorities arrived and found her collapsed on the pavement. Hard to find something more extreme than that on Long Island.

[silence]

She was awake the whole ambulance ride. They gave her a transfusion at the hospital, she lost consciousness. Never woke up. Took a week and a half for them to label her brain-dead, we pulled the plug.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Then it's exactly the same pattern.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Apart from the obvious supersoldier-- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, are you... You don't know who your mother was. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What are you talking about? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Marya Karbainova was the Black Widow from nineteen fifty-five until ninety sixty-eight.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

That’s impossible. My - mother was Italian. A Carbonell.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Ana’s Italian, too.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - is this some kind of joke? I think I would have noticed if my late mother was a fucking superspy, she --

[silence]

Shit. The papers. Steve found a stack of Russian paperwork…

[breathing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She met Howard Stark on a mission to Bolivia in nineteen sixty-seven. She had been assigned to kill him. She disappeared four months later.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] I --

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark? Do you need something?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

How do you know this?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** They didn’t train just _one_ of us. I defected, they pulled a new girl, Belova. We...don’t usually live long enough to defect. They used to whisper her name like a ghost, back in training. It started out as a warning. Then one day, I realized she could be an example.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This can’t be true. She wasn’t - she was my _mom._

[choked breath]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I thought you knew-- All the times you've said I remind you of her. You remarked on the perfume.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I need a drink.

[chair legs scraping]

[cabinet banging open, glass on counter]

[liquid pouring]

Want one?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Two fingers. I assumed someone had informed you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** By someone, you mean SHIELD. Who the fuck else knows?

[glass sliding]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Or your parents. Your _butler_ was one of the top SHIELD agents in the world; someone must have…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** … _Jarvis?_ Jarvis was a fucking SHIELD agent?!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thanks. 

[sipping]

He was your bodyguard. He was part of Steve's team during the war. They all-- He volunteered to look after you when they weren’t certain whether the serum variation would affect Maria’s son.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

[gulping]

[liquid splashing]

Was Edwin Jarvis even his real name? Who the fuck was he?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Jones.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Gabriel Jones?_ Didn’t - wasn’t he Peggy Carter’s husband?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s the one. You were reading comics about him and never realized it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That fucker wasn’t even _British_ \- he grew up in fucking _Harlem._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He also spoke more languages than I do and could mimic accents flawlessly.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They thought I was serum-enhanced. Oh, god. Did - shit, shit, it makes so much fucking _sense_ now. I was one of dad’s Steve Rogers’ inspired projects, I was a fucking experiment--

I’m going to be sick.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t be sick. The point is that your mother's blood was modified the same way mine is. If the transfusions affected her the same way they affected Steve--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You think the transfusions are killing him. 

Was my mother --

[breathing]

[sipping, glass clinking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Was she what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you think she was murdered? They said my dad wasn’t drunk, but I always assumed….

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t remember everything from my childhood. I do remember being warned that that’s what would happen to us if we ever tried to leave.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallow]

You think my dad got her out. It explains why she married him, but -- 

What do we do, now? The transfusions have already happened.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But he’s still alive. We can...Medicine is not one of my areas of expertise, but if we can determine what happened to her...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He is. Still alive. Right.

You want more specific information about my mother’s condition. The files are all at the house, now. But... she bled out. He bled out. I -- things were a lot less advanced at that time. But it _is_ similar.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How long did it take? From the time she lost consciousness until…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. I wasn’t there.

I never thought about it. Never think about it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m sorry. I...I was close to someone who knew her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s… 

Okay. Okay. I can’t worry about that right now. 

[gulping, liquid splashing]

Okay. Think. Think, fuckwit, you’re supposed to be a genius. 

Blood. The - serum would certainly be circulated, maybe even fed by the blood stream, we know his blood levels are high ...

Nat, what if the lack of serum in the transfused blood is suppressing the serum-enriched blood cells from being produced? What if the transfusion itself, regardless of donor, is -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If he’s got blood, his body isn’t going to be making new blood, is that what you’re saying? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re always going to be producing blood, it’s just -- like a fucking car, the light comes on when the tank is low, but his body isn’t producing because the tank’s full? It’s fucking unleaded gas in a diesel tank.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Which means we’d have to get rid of the blood. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We - can we just do that? You’d risk brain damage, massive organ failure, you’d end up draining serum blood too. If - maybe if the non-serum blood could be easily separated…. it’s dangerous.

[breathing, rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You said your mother was conscious when she got in the ambulance. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s what they told me. 

[choked breathing] Nat, I can’t -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony.

[footsteps]

It’s all right. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking breaths]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want some water? Should I get Bruce? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s -- no, it’s fine, just give me -- 

[panting]

[heart monitor beeping]

Okay. Okay. Alright.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** All right? What do you want to do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [licking lips]

I’m… just, just so we’re on the same page. We’re actually considering draining Steve’s blood in the hopes that it will cure him. That’s… a little medieval, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hardly medieval. Bruce can monitor him. Test him for the serum? Use me as a control? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If this doesn’t work ....

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We need more data, but we’re going to need it fucking quickly. 

[beeping] 

Bruce? We need you in the lab. Now. Yes. No, no time for food. Just you. 

[tapping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [deep breaths] ...It makes sense. I’m right. I’m always right. I have to be right.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If you’re right, we don’t have a lot of time. Bruce and I can work on this. Do you want to be part of that? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes. The testing, at least.

I don’t know what else I would do with myself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Walk the dog, maybe. You should get some fresh air at some point. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah…. yeah.

[door opening]

[footsteps]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Nat. Tony. What’s happened?

[rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** How easy is it to locate the marker for the serum? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** It’d be pretty tough if I weren’t already set up to monitor it. Steve has been letting me work with his samples for the last year or so; I’m trying to come up with some way to suppress aggression and… well. Why?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thank god for you, Bruce. Nat, you wanna explain the situation? I’m gonna… shower, maybe, try to get my head on straight. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course, Stark. Eat something else, too. Bruce, we’re going to need to draw some of Steve’s blood and compare serum levels to your previous tests. I’ll take you through what we’re thinking while you work. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t -- don’t do anything without me. Please.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We won’t. We’ll call when we have an answer. Go pet Moose. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Okay.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tony -- ?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Maybe you should leave the whiskey.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** If we’re running tests, I need steady hands.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh.

Oh, I guess so.

[bottle on table]

[footsteps]

[door sliding shut]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** He won’t help, will he. You just want him to feel he’s being productive.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Productive Stark is happy Stark. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I don’t see any signs of a happy Natasha... You can’t do this single-handedly; supporting Tony alone, let alone the rest of the team, is not a one-person job.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [rustling]

[inaudible] 

We need to take care of Steve first. I’ll be happy when he’s better. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** We will; he will be.

[inaudible]

Just remember that I’m here for you if you need me.

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know you are. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You feel like drawing my samples while I warm up the centrifuge?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps] I’m all yours, Doc. 

{{Saving...}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve has been successfully moved to SI and installed in Bruce's lab. Tony spent the night with him in the lab, Natasha brings him breakfast the following morning. Tony talks a bit about how he never thought he'd see Steve so close to death and Natasha listens supportively. When he starts to eat she tells Tony that as the person with Steve's power of attorney she knows what his advance directive is regarding serious injury and brain death. Tony tells her she's premature in bringing it up - he believes Steve is going to pull through.
> 
> Eventually Becky turns up, bringing Tony coffee and donuts and is given a list of tasks to complete, including shutting down SI for the day so that no civilians are present. She and Tony argue over letting Rachel in to see Steve. Rachel claims to be the person who found Steve's note about where he would be, she was present when he was found unconscious, along with Nat and Clint. Tony and Nat both distrust her story. Tony grills her and finds out she's had mansion access for quite some time, having been given keys to the house and gate by Becky when she was hired by Steve to walk the dog while he was at work. Tony demands the keys back and admonishes Becky for giving someone unapproved access to his property.
> 
> Once Becky and Rachel leave, Nat admits she also finds Rachel's story suspect, but they put it aside in favor of trying to discern what's wrong with Steve - his serum isn't healing him appropriately. They consider various options, and Tony's mother comes up in conversation. Both Howard and Maria Stark were killed in a car accident, but Maria lingered for a few days after the accident and Tony & Obadiah eventually pulled the plug. Natasha is surprised by this and asks for details.
> 
> Tony explains that his mother was alive when the paramedics found her, but fell unconscious upon receiving a series of blood transfusions. She fell into brain death and was eventually disconnected from her life support. Natasha admits a great secret - a car crash shouldn't have killed Maria Stark, because she was the only other previous Black Widow to have defected and entered a private life.
> 
> Tony is shocked to learn of his mother's previous occupation and horrified by the suggestion that his parents car crash may not have been an accident at all. Nat reveals that she, like all Black Widows, has a modified version of the super soldier serum at work in her body. She also reveals that Tony's childhood butler and caretaker, Edwin Jarvis, was actually a SHIELD agent named Gabe Jones, who was a former Howling Commando and the husband of Peggy Carter operating undercover - he wasn't even British! Tony leaps to the conclusion that Howard Stark considered him an experiment in supersoldier genetics, but sets aside his family drama to focus on Steve. Together they determine that the blood transfusions Steve has been given may be preventing his body from generating new serum-enriched blood and reach the conclusion that draining Steve's blood may improve his condition. 
> 
> The possibility that Steve may need to be drained of blood sparks a panic attack in Tony. Nat calls in Bruce to have him test Steve's blood for the serum marker, believing that low markers may indicate their idea is correct. Tony leaves to calm himself down, promising to return and help with the lab work. Bruce makes him leave the whiskey behind.
> 
> After Tony leaves, Bruce and Nat share a brief private moment before getting to work.


	429. Bells of Brass

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))   
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)   
Subject: Old Westbury Homestead

My Friends--

I made Great Haste in reaching the Homestead of Old Westbury, only to discover that the Location had been ransacked with Much Gusto. Our Enemies have penetrated the Very Walls of the Venerable House, but have not found their Way into the Most Secret Bunker beneath the Earth. I arrived in time to Lift one of Stark's newly appointed Gate Guards to the hospital in Town, where she is Resting in as much Comfort as is Possible.

I am Proud to report that Knut the Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinsson fought most courageously to Defend her territory - she successfully drew Red, Mortal Blood in at least four locations throughout the House. I have rewarded her with Moist Pate of Duck With Rice and intend to purchase a fine New Collar, dyed in the Blood of the Vanquished and adorned with Jingling Bells of Brass. I would be most pleased if you would share your Congratulations of her Valiant Effort upon your next meeting.

I will Remain on the property until such time as an Adequate force can be Assembled for the purpose of Guarding our beloved Home.

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  



	430. Eight Municipal Dumpsters

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Natalie Rushman ([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Operation Bagelbuyer

The things I do for you Nat, jesus christ. Rachel is an absolute wreck, but she's definitely acting cagey under all the snot and tears - she keeps glancing up at the back of Becky's head before answering questions, which i figure means she doesn't want to spill in front of a friend. She just told me that she needs to give me something when we get to the apartment. I'm suspicious as hell but can we really afford to ignore a lead? we're stuck in traffic listening to her sniffle, this is the most awkward ride ever.

I asked Becky to bail and let me handle this but she's refusing to leave Rachel alone. I'm hoping enough of their relationship is sincere that won't put Becs at risk - I'll let you know whenever I have the item, assuming it's not just a knife to the kidneys. I'm not leaving Becky alone with Ray, so it'd be a good idea to have a few agents on the building whenever they can be spared.

clint. 

PS. I am the worst person ever but i totally meant to forward this to you this morning when it came up on my google alerts. If I die on Rachel's nasty apartment floor, please avenge me. But do it while wearing makeup, you slobby slobby sue.

...

 **The Missing Avenger?**

Rumors are flying after billionaire Tony Stark was seen arriving at St. Luke's-Roosevelt hospital yesterday evening in full Iron Man armor, behind a detail of SHIELD vehicles, reportedly containing none other than Nick Fury himself.

Iron Man was given clearance to requisition the hospital's helipad for landing purposes, and, according to witnesses, remained at the hospital until well into the night. Also spotted on the scene were Stark's most recent squeeze, Anamarina Lovato, looking slim and well-put together in tight jeans and a denim jacket, going makeup-free in the face of the apparent crisis (See tips on how to get Ana's latest looks here).

With no Avengers-related calamities pinging our radar, we're left wondering what the emergency might be.

Lack of information has led to wild speculation about Stark's (and SHIELD's) presence at the hospital. 

A source in the know suggests that the incident may be related to the Avengers' archer-in-residence, Hawkeye, known to engage in death-defying acts on a semi-regular basis, in spite of his apparent lack of superpowers. "That guy ups the health premiums for everyone working at SHIELD," said out source. "And could singlehandedly keep Band-Aid in business. He's great at bleeding contests." Public records show that Hawkeye has been personally responsible for the destruction of four vehicles and eight municipal dumpsters in the last six months.

The absence of key Avengers (Stark and Lovato were accompanied by an unidentified Stark Industries research scientist, Stark's PA Rebecca Quan, Quan's own assistant, and a male friend of Miss Quan) suggests that the event may be Stark Industries-related.

Stark Industries was long-notorious for their record of industrial accidents (including the catastrophic reactor explosion in the summer of 2008) but in recent years, especially since Stark's moratorium on weapons-building, their safety grades have been unsurpassable. Still, even the best streak of luck must come to an end, and Stark's recent experiments into expanding arc reactor technology have left questions in a lot of people's minds. Is this a one-time occurrence, or a sign of things to come?


	431. The mess

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Natalie Rushman ([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Compromised

Nat - 

Our location has been compromised - someone followed us back to Rachel's. Gray van now parked across the street, attached is a pic of the plates. I'm having the girls head down the fire escape; Becky has the address of the delta-4 safehouse in hand. Track her phone in case she gets waylaid and send backup. 

I'll take care of the mess here.

C


	432. All-Avengers Alert

**AUTOMATED EMERGENCY MESSAGE**

**ALL-AVENGERS ALERT**

The wrist-watch emergency notification of Agent Barton A.K.A. "Hawkeye" was activated at 11:34; please note attached GPS coordinates.

This has been an automated emergency message.


	433. Going to te

T--

Potentially compromised. Trying to get the controller out of here. Hawkeye appears trustworthy. Going to te


	434. SENND HELPL.

From: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20)), Bruce Banner ([doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20)), THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))

Subject: (No Subject)

GUYS

SENS hELP

I am in the fuckign RIdgewood public Libruary o nthe intertnet becade THERSE NO FUCKINGO@ WOERKING PAYPHONES IN NEW TORK ANYMORE nd these creeps grapped my phone and fuck fuck so Clint triedn to buzz you i don't want to bother tony when Steve's like t4he ehe he is and okay ok ok we got fucking jumpesddd these people attackesd us at rya's place and RAY kept screainjming for Clint to ht her in the face adn they showved me out onto the fireescape and then this guy caem after me and spreyaed me with some things tin the face and idk idk I def feesl weird idekf butI soekcied him in the face and ray piput this crewpy ass ring in my pocket nad I don't kow what to do. 

SENND HELPL. 

Do I call thes cops? Shoudl I tell toy I don't kow if I wshould tell Tony. 

FUK I AM SO sORRY. 

Becs

PS I tghhink thy have CLint atn Ray. SEDN HELP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you can't read the email:
> 
> GUYS
> 
> SEND HELP
> 
> I am in the fucking Ridgewood Public Library on the internet because THERE'S NO FUCKING PAYPHONES IN NEW YOUR ANYMORE and these creeps grabbed my phone and fuck fuck so Clint tried to buzz you I don't want to bother Tony when Steve's like he is and okay ok ok we got fucking jumped these people attacked us at Ray's place and Ray kept screaming for Clint to hit her in the face and they shoved me out onto the fire escape and then this guy came after me and sprayed me with something in the face and idk idk I def feel weird idefk but I socked him in the face and Ray put this creepy ass ring in my pocket and I don't know what to do. 
> 
> SEND HELP. 
> 
> Do I call the cops? Should I tell Tony I don't know if I should tell Tony. 
> 
> FUCK I AM SO SORRY. 
> 
> Becs
> 
> PS I think they have Clint and Ray. SEND HELP.


	435. Stay put.

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Stay put. 

Stay put, deep breaths. Jarvis has eyes on you via internal security, you're not alone.

I'm on my way.

T


	436. You’re gonna want to hang on.

**{{STARKSYSTEMS.J.A.R.V.I.S.V8.7 SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE}}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 20-12 Madison Street Ridgewood, NY 11385]

{{GHOST ACCESS ACQUIRED. SURVEILLANCE LOG ACTIVE. FACIAL RECOGNITION LOCKED MAINREADINGROOM... }}

{{TRANSMITTING}}

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [scream]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown10:** Fork it over, sweetie-pie -- shut that screaming yap and give me what I want!

[lunging, grunts, crashing]

[screams]

[laughing]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I don’t fucking know what you want! WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE IN A LIBRARY. 

[desks overturning, crashing, crowd screaming and shouting]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown10:** You picked the hidey-hole, sugarlips. I’m just working with what I’ve got.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Come any closer and I will _smash_ you with the OED. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown10:** Diamondback stole something we need, and after a thorough fucking search we’ve determined you’re the most likely carrier pigeon. Turn out your fucking pockets, cherie.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What the fuck is a diamondback?

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown10:** [laughter]

A thorn in our side, a defector, you might say -- undeserving of her place amongst the greats, unfit to stand next to **PUFF ADDER.**

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Wait, what the fuck. 

**ADDER.Puff.:** No, **you** wait.

[crashing, shouts]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [scream]

[shelves collapsing, crashing]

[toppling books]

[grunt]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** [groans of pain]

You little bitch!

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, sweet, so we use gendered insults on top of having stupid fucking names and costumes? Stay the fuck away or I’ll do it again. 

**ADDER.Puff.:** [roaring]

[repulsor charge]

[explosion]

[clanking footsteps, faint cheers]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** TONY! I LOVE YOU!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What else is new?

[mechanical whirring, repulsor charging, zinging blast]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That guy-- that guy. Did you see his stupid costume? There are more of them-- fuck. A bunch of them are fucking dressed like snakes. LIKE SNAKES. 

**AMBIENT:** IRON MAN CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH!?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus christ, _now??_ Really?

[thumking]

[crashing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** OOF! [crunching wood, metal screeching]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** That’s right, you metal moron, I’m gonna shove your head so far up your ass you’ll be sucking on your own tonsils for breakfast!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groaning, heaving]

[repulsors fire, books crashing down]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown12:** [snarling] You take care of the tin can; I’ll get the girl! 

[sparks, whips snapping] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [shriek] 

[thump]

EAT FERRAGAMOS, ASSHOLES!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [repulsors firing] Hey! Did I buy you those shoes?

[impact, sparks] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah! 

**ADDER.Puff.:** [grunt] Why you little -- 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, PUFF UP AT ME? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did they fit? Were they comfy?

 **ADDER.Puff.:** Puff adders have more --

[crunching, repulsors firing, ]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** [grunting] -- fatalities than any other African snakes, you dim-witted --

 **AMBIENT:** MARRY ME TONY!!!!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [repulsors firing]

[sparks]

TAKEN.

Will someone get these motherfucking Snakes off my motherfucking - that doesn’t really work, does it? Fuck.

[repulsors blasting]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck! 

[thwap]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you just throw a book at the jackass in the snake costume?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Get with the program, that was like book number seven --

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here, hit him with the Camus. For Nat.

[thwacking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ah! 

[crashing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Becky--!!

[metal striking flesh]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** Ungh...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You fucking -- 

[metal striking flesh repeatedly]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** [groaning, swearing] Ffff--- auugh! AUUGH!

[bloody spluttering]

[metal striking flesh]

[splattering]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown12:** [whips snap] 

Heeeeeere Becky Becky Becky... All you need to do is give us the controller and we’ll leave you alone. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I don’t have your stupid controller!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown12:** [whips snap, sparks]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [grunt]

[smack] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown12:** Oh yeah, then what’s this?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [grunt] Give that back!! 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown12:** [chuckle] Unlikely.

[sparks]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [yell]

[table toppling, computers crashing to floor] 

[footsteps]

[metal striking flesh, crunching]

[hand on metal]

TONY! Tony, what are you--!?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Get out of the way_.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, don’t-- his costume isn’t _that_ stupid! 

Wait. Yes it is. But. Tony, that’s too much -- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunting] These fuckers jumped Steve, I’ll kill every last -- just -- 

[grunting]

_Get back._

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** TONY. THEY STILL HAVE CLINT.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [panting] They….

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** _Tony._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [mask hissing open]

You’re -- 

…

You’re... covered in blood...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sob]

So are you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [body slumping against wood, metal scraping] I… 

[joints whirring]

Are you hurt? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [deep breath] 

I-- yeah? I kind of cracked my nose on a table, and, um...electrical burns? I think? But I’ve got a letter opener now, um. I can brandish it like a sword? Ha. Hahahaha. My dress looks great now, huh? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You always look-- GRRK!

[metal crashing to the ground, repulsors firing, books falling]

 **ADDER.Puff.:** You fucking -- [tussling, metal scraping, slash of metal on metal]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown14:** Hold still, pet! [grunting, scraping, flesh striking flesh] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [shriek]

[wet thump] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown14:** [scream of pain]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** FUCK. FUCK I JUST STABBED A PERSON. TONY. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown14:** [snarl, grappling, flesh striking flesh] You fucking-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Becky--_ [garbled muttering, wood creaking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [grunt]

[thump]

[panting] 

[sobbing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [repulsor explosions]

[splatter, crunching sounds]

Becky, _Becky_ , are you..

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [deep breaths, panting, coughing]

I’m...I’m okay. I’m okay. I…

[sobbing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jarvis, 911. Make the call. 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Already done, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re alright -- what were they after? I saw the one run out -- what did she have?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I-- um. Rachel put this thing in my pocket. It was...like. A ring. A snakey ring. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fucking Serpent Society. [sirens in the distance]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** _What_ society? Wait, is that a thing? Do you know those fucking people? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re B-grade villains, they all have bios in the SHIELD databases… apparently.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, that explains the shitty costumes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, they’re a low budget gang.

Reading the files is kind of a hobby of Steve’s. He’s the only reason I know anything about any of these clowns.

Still, this doesn’t seem like their usual MO. They usually work for hire. 

Oh.

[silence]

Listen. I’m going after Clint, but I want to make sure you’re safe. Can I drop you at the tower?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, I-- as much as I want to say I should come along, that seems pretty dumb. Um. Tony. Are you gonna be okay? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Depends, doesn’t it.

Come on, outside.

[footsteps]

[screaming, cheering]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, there goes my nice little three-month vacation from the tabloids. 

[nearing sirens]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re gonna want to hang on.

[faceplate clicking shut]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Hang-- wha-- oh. Fuck. Right. Like this? Oof. Hug. You need a hug. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hard to hug a man in a can.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, I’ll come give you a real one as soon as you’re out of it. 

[loud smooching sound] 

Okay. Uh. Closing my eyes. Fuckfuckfuck. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Worry about hugs once we rescue your boyfriend. Ready?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ready. [gulp] 

[repulsors firing]

{{Saving…..}}


	437. Bringing him home

Widow – 

Just positively IDed the Serpent Society at the library and am operating under the assumption that “Rachel” is the operative known as Diamondback. She’s still MIA, likely taken by her buddies.

I have Hawkeye safely in custody; I’m letting the EMTs check his eyes and neck and then I’m bringing him home. We’re looking at one slash wound on the ribcage, a lot of bruising, facial beating, defensive marks on the arms, huge lump on his head. He appears to have had a hit of whatever they gassed Becky with. 

He needs an x-ray as he’s probably concussed, but Bruce can take care of that.

Status on Cap?

IM


	438. Barely Detectable

Tony-

Thanks for the status update. We'll make a space for Hawkeye; the Doc set Becky's nose and gave her a couple stitches and we put her in Clint's suite to get some rest. 

Doc says he's concerned Cap is deteriorating. We ran the tests; the serum is barely detectable in the current samples. But we're having difficulty getting consistent results in a lab environment. 

I think we should do this. I know it's risky, but Bruce is concerned that if we can't keep him stable, he'll deteriorate quickly. Do you want us to wait for you to get back so you can see him first? He still isn't responding, so it would literally just be seeing him.

\--Natasha


	439. Eight minutes

Widow - 

Give me eight minutes and I'll be there. 

Wait for me. 

IM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! 
> 
> This is just a reminder that we've hit the halfway mark for the challenge, which means you have two weeks to get your entries in! 
> 
> [Here is where to submit](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014). 
> 
> Good luck!


	440. Dropping precipitously

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter is set in SI's lab (almost an ICU!) and discusses severe injury, nonresponsive characters, medical trauma and possible character death. If you find hospital scenes or discussions the death of loved ones triggering, a summary can be found in the chapter end notes.

[LVL 37 / RESEARCH FACILITIES MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BANNER.Robert.B., ROGERS.Steven.G., ROMANOVA.Natalia.A., STARK.Anthony.E.]

{{RECORDING}}

[heart monitor beeping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...however much detail you’d like us to explain to you. But we’ve worked it out to the Doc’s satisfaction. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] Okay. So… you’re making a single cut.

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** We need to minimize additional trauma -- it’s risky to open up one of the extant injuries. I’d like to keep the flow as controlled as possible, drop his levels and see if that instigates change in the serum levels. We need to do this, without hitting the point of no return. It’s delicate.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Point of -- don’t call it that.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** This isn’t a low-stakes game, Tony. I’m not going to pretend it will work. We don’t know.

For what it’s worth, it’s as solid an option as any. It’s logical.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s Steve. He’d rather we have a plan than not act. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

We can’t afford to be wrong with this.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** So we do our best. It’s all anyone can ever do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** .....

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** His-- Tony, his heart rate has been steadily decreasing. We can’t afford to be wrong _waiting_ either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Decreasing?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Erratically. There’s no guarantee.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

I’m... not sure I can watch this.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You can wait outside; we can keep the door open. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** … I’m just gonna, I’m gonna …

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want to talk to him first? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...yeah. Okay. 

[footsteps]

[door clicking shut]

Jarvis?

 **JARVIS.:** Sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Activate noise dampeners.

 **JARVIS:** As you wish.

[heart monitor slowing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

_Why don’t we …. do this more often..._  
 _Just what we’re doin’ tonight..._  
 _We make each other laugh, we make each other sing;_  


[breath]

And you can never, ever overdo … a good thing…

…

C’mon, Steve… you didn’t come this far to just …

[voice cracking]

I mean, who the fuck am I gonna --

[silence]

 **JARVIS.:** Sir, Captain Rogers’ vitals are --

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve??

 **JARVIS.:** \-- dropping precipitously, shall I --

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve -- DAMN IT, _STEVE!_

[crashing, shouting]

[doors opening]

[running footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark!? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s -- god, I panicked, I -- tore the stitches, here, we have to --

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tony, _step back._ Nat, defibrillator.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Got it. I’m just hooking in the serum monitor.

[rattling]

The Doc and I talked through this; we can take care of it.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** We can. Everyone stay calm. This will work.

 **JARVIS.:** Blood pressure at 70/40 and falling, Doctor. Serum levels at a steady decline.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Alright, Nat, add .3 mg Epinephrine to the drip. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not leaving, don’t -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t have to, we just need to see what we’re doing. .3 milligrams added. I’m getting a towel. 

**JARVIS:** 65/38 and falling.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s a lot of blood -- is that too much? It looks like --

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** **Tony.** Sit **down**. Take his hand. Count his pulse for me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps, chair legs scraping]

[slow beeping]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [instruments rustling, muttered measurements]

[choked breathing]

[heart monitor whirrs]

 **JARVIS:** Doctor Banner --

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I see it, Jarvis. 

Nat? Patches. One on mid-left rib cage, the other under the right clavicle. Don’t let the wires touch.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony, you’ll need to step back; I can’t do this if you’re touching him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [scraping, footsteps] 

There’s no pulse, I’m trying to count, but -- there’s no pulse -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It says ‘Shock advised...charging…’ Three...two...one...clear. 

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Jarvis?

 **JARVIS:** Analyzing. Arrhythmia is persistent, sir.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Let it charge again, Nat. Tony, stay back.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Alright. It’s charging. 

[deep breath] 

Three, two, one...clear. 

[flatline]

{{Saving….}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony arrives back at Bruce's lab to learn that Steve's vitals have been dropping. Bruce and Natasha have put together a plan to slowly remove Steve's blood in a controlled fashion, to see if the nonuser blood is suppressing the creation of new serum to heal him.
> 
> They leave Tony alone with Steve, who is still unresponsive, so that Tony can have a few moments with him before the procedure, as they know that what they are about to do is life-threatening. Tony tried to sing to him ("[Why Don't We Do This More Often?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuzQRcY2sYs)", the song that Steve sang for him after the gala) but ends up going quiet. 
> 
> While Tony is alone with Steve, Steve's vitals begin to crash. In a panic, Tony rips the stitches out of Steve's most significant injury, causing heavy bloodflow and instant trauma.
> 
> Bruce and Natasha come back into the room hastily and try to correct Tony's hasty actions. The scene ends with Steve's heart monitor flatlining.


	441. You get used to it.

[[LVL 41 - SUITE 4103 / RESIDENTIAL QUARTERS MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BARTON.Clinton.F., QUAN.Rebecca.E.]

{{RECORDING}}

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m serious, I really think -- I could call Bruce and have him bring up some butterfly bandages or something, you may need stitches. What if it goes gangrenous? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oooh, maybe it’ll fall off. Maybe I’ll turn into a zombie. Maybe I’ll eat your braaaaaaains.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _My_ brains? You’d absolutely starve.

[kissing]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, you know, you barely use them, they’re all tender like Kobe beef.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Tender and marinated in beer - I’d be affronted if it weren’t so true. Give them a wash first, though, I can be pretty dirty-minded at times.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Mmmm, dirty like a martini.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I heard you got to hitch a ride with Iron Man.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. Yeah. He’s pretty messed up, though. Just...Shit, Clint. That was a mess. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’s always been a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy. No surprise it’d bleed over.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** It was kind of scary. Clint. I just...what if Steve dies? What if he dies because I hired a _criminal_? I-- you almost died. 

[breath]

I don’t. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey, hey. Come here, don’t talk like that.

[kissing]

People capable of doing that to Captain Fucking America would have gotten to him anyway, even without someone like Rachel in the mix. She’s obviously a professional, Becky. And, I suspect, in way over her head. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Clint, he saved my life. He actually fucking saved my life and now he’s-- and I can’t do anything, and I-- and you. And. 

[breath]

I don’t know what I would have done if that was you.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Every Avenger knows what they’re risking, Becky. Steve knew.

I know that’s not much of an answer. If it was me, you’d manage. If Tony can keep his shit together on a day like today, you’d get it done.

 **J.A.R.V.I.S.** Agent Barton, Agent Romanova asked me to inform you that she is currently available and would like to know if you are taking visitors?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Does JARVIS have a lady voice?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah! Sweet upgrade, right? Do you mind if Nat...?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What? Oh. No. No, I don’t mind. I...um. I think I’ll...I can go get something to eat?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Stay -- for a few, at least. She may have news on Steve.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh. Right. I’ll. I’ll stay for that, then. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Send her in, J.

I’m… really glad you’re okay, Becky. I know that’s… simplistic, but…

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, I’m--

[door opening]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Clint. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [squeak] Oh, god, the _blood_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** What’s the -- Nat, what the fuck -- whose --

[rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Stark fucking-- He’s too upset; it’s making him erratic. It’s done, though. I needed to get out. Bruce is with Steve. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [footsteps, groaning]

Not your blood. You’re -- in one piece.

Steve?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** We don’t know yet. He was flatlining. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That doesn’t mean anything. He was frozen solid for seventy fucking years, right? It’ll take time. No panicking allowed until he’s been monitored.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** That’s what Bruce is doing right now. 

[breath] 

Stark panicked. Bruce and I had everything planned, we’d figured out how to do it with...minimal damage; Stark just went in and opened up all his stitches. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He _what?_ You have got to be shitting me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** No. I. I need to rinse off all this blood. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Come -- yeah. Shower. Take off your shirt, I’ll get you one of mine. Becky, Becky, are you still with me? Hey… 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What? Oh. Yeah. Um. What? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Are you okay? What do you need?

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sobs] No. I don’t. I don’t know. 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I’ll be in the bathroom

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Give me two shakes.

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [whimper]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Come here. I want to… can I … 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [hiccup]

[breath] 

[sobbing] 

I was-- she was. The blood. I just. Flatlining. Blood. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know. But we’re talking about Steve Rogers, here.

[kisses] 

He’s such a stubborn bastard, don’t count him out. I know it’s… it’s hard to wrap your head around it, but that’s … what it is. It’s what we do.

[breath]

Becky, this isn’t your fault.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I know it’s not my fault. Ow. I-- it just-- I don’t-- I’ve only seen blood like that in movies. You-- you got kidnapped, and oh my god. You could have been killed. And you’re so-- you’re so...how do you take it so-- 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You get used to it.

…

It’s the job. We have a job and we do it. Sometimes it’s easy, most times not. Sometimes it’s messy; but someone has to do it.

I know that sounds crazy.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** It doesn’t sound crazy. It just...it just...it’s not _my_ job. I don’t…

[breath hitch]

I don’t want to get used to that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …..

Why… why don’t you check on Moose? I need to get Natasha cleaned up.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sniffle] 

I don’t want to leave you. I don’t-- I don’t want to be alone. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Okay. I’m gonna make some tea, and then I need to talk to Nat. I want you to curl up in this enormous fluffy blanket and give me a few minutes to focus on her and make sure she’s okay. I’ll leave the door open. Is that okay?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I-- [sniffle] I-- yeah. Can I just--gimme your hand for just a sec. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [rustling]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** How long do you need? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** However long she needs.

[silence]

I’ll be out before your tea cools, how about that? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [swallow] I think maybe I should find Jane or something. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Are -- you sure?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I told you, I don’t wanna be alone. I-- 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She’s probably in Thor’s rooms... I’ll walk you there?

But you should probably take the enormous fluffy blanket anyway.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I can _walk_ , Clint. 

[rustling] 

You said you need to talk to Natasha. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I do. She needs me, too. I just... don’t want you to leave.

It feels like if I let you walk out now you won’t come back.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [choke] Where would I _go_? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m -- sorry, I didn’t mean to sound awful, I just -- just wait here. Okay? Give me, just.

[footsteps]

[drawers opening, closing]

I would like you to stay, but if you need to be with someone, I.... Give me five minutes and I’ll be back. J.A.R.V.I.S. is here, you’re safe.

I’m sorry.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No. I get it. It’s okay. 

[footsteps]

[door opening]

[door closing]

[silence, water running]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** She’s going to leave. You didn’t have to do that for my sake. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

You would have done it for me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Bruce would have understood. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It’s better if she goes. 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** That’s up to you. If you need to go after her, I can wash my hair. And shave. My armpits. With your razor. 

[footsteps]

[water splashing]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You know I love you. Even your armpits. It’s… not really a choice. Make room for me?

[sliding, squishing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** _Clint_. In your clothes? You know the shower’s wet, right? 

[sliding, splashing] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Don’t care. I want… I -- [silence] 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I know. Come here. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [shifting]

You okay? You scared me, coming in like that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’m always fine. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Tony really lost it, huh.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** He got scared.

[breath]

Clint. You understand what you’re doing right now, don’t you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sitting on the floor of your shower, trying not to stare at your sexy knees.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I came up here to see if you were all right. I didn’t mean to-- you’re choosing this. You’re choosing blood and toxicity over Christmas in New Jersey.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** People like me don’t get Christmas in New Jersey, Nat.

We both knew that was never going to work.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Let her say that. Who’s to say it can’t? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** What if next time she’s the one who gets taken? They came after her in a public library, her hands are sliced to ribbons. It’s a miracle she didn’t ends up like Steve. 

[silence] 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:**

[kissing] 

We talked about you getting out. You could _really_ get out. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** And do what? What exactly do you see me doing -- some nine to five? Sitting in one of those fucking Manhattan skyscrapers watching the Avengers save the world outside my window every week?

I don’t love what we do, but I love that I can do it. And I know I’m just a fucking guy Fury stuck on the team because I was your partner, but … the team’s the closest to family I’ve had in for fucking ever. Including my ex-wife in that tally, by the way. 

I’m not gonna quit for some girl I met a few months ago. You need me. Even if Fury doesn’t realize it, the team needs me. I’m… kidding myself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I know you wouldn’t quit for her. But you’re crying, and I need to understand exactly what you’re crying for if I’m going to help you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You need to stop helping people and start prioritizing yourself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I am prioritizing myself. I am indulging in the selfish notion that I want you to be happy. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** How can anyone be happy when Steve’s dead on the table in Bruce’s lab? I’m not much of an Avenger and yet -- I was abducted. And rescued. And walked out on someone I could have very happily married and parented and owned stupid yappy dogs with in order to cry on the floor of your shower -- it’s like a fucking addiction, you can’t just walk away. Right now I’d rather die on the field than walk away.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** What can I do? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Tell me if I’m being an ass.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** You’re always being an ass, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hah….

[breath hitching, sob]

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** [breath] The first time you saw something like this, what would you have wanted? What could someone have done for you? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I wanted to be left alone. Probably to cry in my _own_ shower.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** This is technically your shower. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Somethings never change, then.

I don’t even remember the first time, Nat. I remember being nervous, but not....

I want you to be okay. You were on the front lines with this.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** Nothing’s going to be okay, but I have Bruce, and I can lean on him if I have to. Becky doesn’t have anyone else. Not anyone who’s going to understand this. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I… hate it when you’re right, and you’re always right. Why are you always right?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I do it expressly to fuel your ire. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Of course you do.

I’m trusting you, here. You’re not - pushing me away, because you don’t want me around?

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** If I didn’t want you around, I would have used someone else’s shower. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:**

[sliding, water running]

I love you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I love you, too. 

Go get Becky. Find me later. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. Some things are just more immediate than others. 

You can use my room if you need to. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah.

I set out fresh clothes on the counter.

 **ROMANOVA.Natasha:** I know. Clint? It’ll be okay. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know. We’ll pull through. 

**ROMANOVA.Natasha:** [smooch]

Go. 

[squishy footsteps]

[door clicking shut]

{{Saving…}}


	442. Protected by a Force Field

Romanova: 

As per Col Fury's instructions, I have been deployed to Stark Tower and assigned to report back on Captain Rogers' status. I have been unable to attain access to the premises, as it appears to be protected by a force field. 

I must remind you that Cpt Rogers is technically the property of the US Government, and preventing government oversight in this matter could be construed as a Federal offense.

Provide entry and a status report at your earliest convenience. 

Hill


	443. Reset my Equilibrium

B-- 

I'm in Clint's room. I've showered, washed my hair, and I'm currently lying here wrapped in his blanket, wearing his underwear, and taking a few moments to myself.

Becky is taking this hard-- no harder than one would expect, though. It's unsettling to me that it's easy to forget what it must be like for most people, who see violence like this so rarely. I'm concerned about Clint, slipping back into one of his self-effacing moods, so certain he doesn't deserve happiness.

I am going to sit here in the quiet for a little while and try to reset my equilibrium. If you need me back in the lab, please let me know. I am happy to take a observation shift, or sit with Stark if you need a rest. Please also alert me if Steve's condition changes at all. 

I am so looking forward to the moment when I can sit with you again, when the only instructions you give me are where to pick up reading, where to place my kisses. I hope we can reach it again with minimal grief. 

Do tell me if there is anything I can do to lift weight from your shoulders. You have performed admirably, my brilliant, darling man, at a task I know was difficult and emotionally taxing. 

\--N


	444. Emotionally compromised

Hill:

I'm afraid I don't have the clearance to turn off Stark's shield tech. I'll discuss it with Stark as soon as possible, but I must warn you that he is emotionally compromised at the present moment and not necessarily inclined to listen to reason. 

Captain Rogers is under Dr. Banner's care. Dr. Banner has initiated his recommended treatment, and we are now waiting to see if there are any signs of change. I will keep you apprised.

What we need from SHIELD right now is external response: Rogers' assailants stole his shield, and have also attacked Agent Barton. Thor is currently guarding Stark's Long Island property, but could use some relief. Consensus among Stark, Rogers, and Barton is that the Serpent Society is indeed in part responsible. If you can get me and and all of your files on the Serpent Society operative known as Diamondback, I will be much obliged.

I'll send along another report when I can.

Romanova


	445. Egg Cream

Widow:

Can you recommend a decent diner in the neighborhood? I promised Hill an egg cream in exchange for taking this detail.

Tell me when we can send in our medics.

\--NF


	446. One More Time With Feeling

[LVL 41 - SUITE 4103 / RESIDENTIAL QUARTERS MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BARTON.Clinton.F., QUAN.Rebecca.E.]

{{RECORDING}}

[elevators ping]

[squishing footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** …

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Just a… 

Clint. 

You’re soaking wet…

What did you do?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Something stupid.

Are you … ?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’m drier than you are. Fuck. Where are there--- hold on. Towels. 

[footsteps]

Come on. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [slogging footsteps]

I just wanted -- I realized I was being such a fuckwit, so I thought -- but if you don’t want me here, I’ll understand, I’ll go. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You realized you were being a fuckwit, so you...gave yourself a swirly? Jumped in a lake? Do I even-- here, I’m giving you one of Tony’s twenty-four karat gold towels. Impressive, huh? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** The fact that they’re Iron Man red-and-gold makes me feel kind of gross.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, come on, your towels are purple. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah, but purple is on the whole much classier than --

Nat was in the shower. I needed a hug.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Stupid. 

[fluffing]

See? See how fluffy? You wore your clothes in the shower? 

Wait. You were in your room. You didn’t _change_?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** … I was… in a hurry?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Come on, I’m getting you some of Steve’s clothes.

[drawers opening and shutting]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Let me wear Tony’s. That shit is hilarious.

[rustling]

Are we -- are we okay?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [uncomfortable laugh] No, we’re all totally fucked up.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Situation normal, then. 

[inaudible] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Kinda worse than normal. But you’re also my favorite. So. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [inaudible]

... such an idiot….

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** But, like, a cute idiot, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Not you. Me. [inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I meant you, stupid. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Not that cute. [inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Pfft. I am way too hot to date guys who aren’t that cute. Come on. Sit down, have you ever sat on Tony’s million-dollar bed? It’s like sitting on angels’ butts. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Haha -- wait, have you?

[rustling]

Wow. It’s … oddly welcoming. Like it’s glad to see you.

[whoompf]

[rustling] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Nice snow angel. 

[squooshing] 

Come on, don’t hit me with your wings. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [inaudible]

[motion stops]

…

Will you tell me what happened in the library?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Will you snuggle with me while I tell you? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I’ll snuggle with you always.

[rustling]

But I might need to put pants on… or get under the covers.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Coverrrrrrs. We will never have a reasonable excuse for snuggling in Tony’s bed ever again unless they get over the weird closety stuff and have some kind of awesome sex party.

[rustling] 

C’mere. Mmm. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Tony does have a pretty cute ass….

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [swatting] He wears Iron Man underpants. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** So we take ‘em off!

[inaudible]

I’m … more interested in you right now. Honestly.

[smooches]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ewww, Clint, my earwax tastes gross. 

[inaudible] 

Okay. I’m totally stalling. Haha. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah. I know.

You can stall if you need to. I’m not going anywhere.

[rustles]

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:**

[inaudible] 

Mmm, stalling. 

Okay. Um. Library, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah. Library.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okay, so I went there to get on the internet, because, uh, Ridgewood? No fucking payphones anywhere. And you know, it was all library-y and then _people_ smashed through the windows. And like half of them were dressed like snakes, Tony said they’re some kind of Society or something? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Serpent Society. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. Weirdass shit. There was this guy who, like, kept calling himself Puff Daddy or something?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** I think I’ve shot that dude before. Green onesie?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. Whoa. Uh. So yeah. So they seriously went after me. In a library. And he kept using really misogynistic slurs. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Well, Puff Daddy does sound pretty patriarchichal. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, but not racist ones, so, like, I guess that was a nice change of pace? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I’m sorry, my delicate little petunia. [smooches]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Go Petunias. Uh. Yeah. So I got kind of...banged up. And then Tony showed up, and...Okay. I stabbed somebody, Clint. I actually stuck a letter opener in a person. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** ….

I’m guessing that’s the first person you’ve… ah. Fought, like that.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You mean stabbed. Stabbed. I stabbed a guy. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** That’s what I meant, then. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, so apart from jabbing a bully with a pencil in the first grade? Pretty much a stabbing virgin.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Mm. Did they walk away?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I...I don’t know. I just. Tony took me home and went to get you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Where did you -- what part of the body? It’s actually kind of hard to--

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What? I don’t-- I don’t even _know_. Somewhere in the middle? I wasn’t trying to aim for anything. It was just all...stabbity. I didn’t really think it would go in like that. I-- when it didn’t collapse into the handle like a fake knife, you know? Like, that’s what happens, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Sorry. I’m sorry -- 

[silence]

I’m trying to remember what that was like, the first time. It was hard. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh. Clint? How many times have you stabbed people? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I do my job, Becks. You don’t really want to know.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Like, a ballpark? More than twenty? More than fifty? A hundred? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** A lot. That’s my job, Becky. It’s been my job for years. They don’t call me in to hold hands and bake cupcakes.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, your cupcakes are shitty. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** So is my job, sometimes.

I don’t want to tell you this. It’ll change the way you think of me.

It’s my job.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, I know that. I don’t-- look, I’m not asking this like I’m going to judge you if it turns out you’ve, like, given a hundred dudes blow jobs. It’s like...you weren’t working. This happened anyway. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Things have been different since New York. I’ve never been that public, before. I used to have a mask -- this really, you know, hilarious purple deal with pointy...

[silence]

I’ve never dated someone who wasn’t a part of S.H.I.E.L.D. I’m not sure how to make what I do make sense to you when it barely makes sense to me. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, I only dated one other superhero and he was kind of a dumbass. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Steve’s a good person.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** _And_ a dumbass. I mean about people. Sorry. I know he’s dying in a hospital bed. It’s just, I don’t know how to work this; it’s all too awful if I'm not all gallows humor about it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I know. I’m -- sorry. I never wanted you involved in anything like this.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I don’t think you would. 

[breath] 

What do we do? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** What do you want to do? I don’t mean to like put the onus on you here, it’s just -- you’re the one who needs to decide if this is an acceptable amount of risk for a relationship. Because my life is one gigantic calculated risk.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, it’s-- I don’t want to stab people. You know? And like, look at the past couple months. My entire business got destroyed. My job got infiltrated by some pink-haired twee criminal mastermind who makes super good cappuccinos and kicks ass at darts. I almost got kidnapped. My ex-boyfriend lost all his blood. My current boyfriend got, like, chloroformed. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** You could make that sound a little manlier, really. It wasn’t chloroform. Probably.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sexy manly chloroformed? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** ...marginally improved.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** This is why superheroes in comics have secret identities, doofus. Except their girlfriends somehow get kidnapped anyway, and murdered so they can have super tragic pasts and stuff. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I don’t want you to be my tragic backstory, Becky.

I never needed an identity. I never really had -- god, that sounds so pat and whiny, but I never really had someone I needed to protect before. And you were great - you did what you needed to do and teamed up with Iron Man, which is pretty badass, but.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** But I don’t wanna be the kind of person someone else need to protect. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I know.

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Why can’t you have, like, some hipster job? Like making hand-carved artisan longbows in Brooklyn? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** I’d… be pretty okay at that.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, you would. And you could sell them for like a thousand bucks a piece.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah, maybe.

But... I don’t want to work for S.H.I.E.L.D. forever. I have a 401k. I have dental. The hazard pay is sweet. I always figured I’d retire at 40 and swim in my pool full of cash.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That’s two years. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah. 

In the long-term I really think I’d -- like to have kids, maybe. Like to do the family thing - I’ve never had a family, Christmas in New Jersey was pretty cool. I never used to be that kind of guy but as I get older I start thinking -- maybe?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh. Are we having that talk now? Because it’s kind of soon for that talk.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Nah. I don’t mean … I just mean more generally. I think I’d like to get out more permanently. I can’t hack this whole super hero thing -- I’m just a guy.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You’re a pretty _super_ guy.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Maybe. It’s just, it’s cool to run around with Captain America and Iron Man, but I know I’m the weakest link. I’m not gonna go and get myself killed unnecessarily.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, I-- I kind of-- I kind of got a taste of that. I mean, I know you have training for that and stuff, and I totally don’t, but...you find yourself stuck in the middle of all these people with superpowers and it’s a lot fucking scarier than it sounds when you’re just hearing about it secondhand. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah. It is.

I just -- I want you to know where I am. I don’t expect anything from you. And I don’t want you to be hurt because of our relationship. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] Clint, I’ve dated a _lot_ of guys. And most of them have been assholes. And I’m kind of used to having a firm bottom line, but I...I don’t know what to do here. You’re probably the best guy I’ve ever known. But, you know. Supervillains. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [silence]

For what it’s worth, I’m falling in love with you.

So maybe we should do this now, and not later.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Fuck, Clint. You don’t-- 

[swallow] 

That last time a dude said anything like that to me, I was like seventeen years old. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Sorry.

I wanted to say it, at least once.

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That sucks. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Worst day ever.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** We could change our names and move to New Mexico. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** ‘Open up a restaurant in Santa Fe?’ 

New Mexico is sometimes full of Thor.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Thor’s a pretty nice guy. How the fuck does Jane deal with this? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Mostly I don’t think she notices? Though she did get kind of possessed last fall, I don’t know. 

Maybe the sex is just that good.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Look, know that if the quality of sex were informing my decisions here, this would be a lot easier, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Awwwwww. Wait, that’s a good thing, right?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, I would have dumped you, like, months ago. Of course it’s a good thing, dumbass. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [chuckle]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** _Waaaay_ better than Steve. In case you wanted to know. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Fuck yeah! I’m gonna have a shirt made. Or a coffee mug. 

Don’t tell Tony. I’ll be beating him off with sticks.

Uh, poor choice of words there…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Pfft. He’s got his weird childhood toy fixation thing; I think you’re safe. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Man. I’m going to miss you. 

You’re aces.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’m-- I don’t know if I’m going anywhere. I still have to, uh. Talk to Tony about the job thing. I just...yeah. You, too. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Guess I’ll… go put on some pants, or something. [shifting]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh. I was going to take mine off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** ….. yeah?

Let’s try this one more time with feeling.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [rustling] I mean, million-dollar bed, right? We need to. It would be a travesty not to. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** Sixty thousand dollar bed. Steve bitched about it for weeks.

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [snort] I bet he stopped complaining when he started reaping the benefits. 

[inaudible]

For, uh, just to clarify, we just broke up, right?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** Yeah. Done and dusted.

Oddly, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Me neither. It’s… ugh. 

[inaudible] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.** [inaudible]

It’s alright. It’ll be alright. Just… 

[inaudible]

{{Saving…}}


	447. What year is it?

[LVL 37 / RESEARCH FACILITIES MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BANNER.Robert.B., ROGERS.Steven.G., ROMANOVA.Natalia.A., STARK.Anthony.E.]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _“Charles Wallace looked up at the strange dark face which was stern and gentle at the same time. “It’s too good to be true. I think I must be having a dream. I wish I’d just go on dreaming and not wake up.”_

_“What is real?” the Teacher stretched out an arm, and gently touched the bruise on Charles Wallace’s cheek, the puffed and discolored flesh under his eye. “You are awake.”_

_“Or if you’re asleep,” Meg said, “we’re all having the same dream. Aren’t we, Calvin?”_

_“The thing that makes me think we’re awake --”_

[pages flipping shut]

You know what, this is a shit book anyway. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It may not be the best book to be reading right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s all I had.

I don’t own any other paper books.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We have a whole shelf. We’ve been reading _Harry Potter_. Or...it’s all children’s books and philosophy, really. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Both of those sound horrid.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Says the guy who reads Playgirl for the articles.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They interviewed me this one time.

Playboy, too. Equal opportunity here, Banner.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** At least Playboy _has_ articles. Playgirl has one-hundred-fifty word ‘erotic fiction.’

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mediocre ones. That I’ve starred in.

[silence, shifting]

Since you’re both back, I, uh. Wanted to apologize, for… losing my shiit. The way I did.

Earlier.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t need to apologize for that. It was a terrible situation. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not an excuse.

You two were great, as usual.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I was trained by two NGOs for this sort of thing, Tony. Your response was perfectly natural.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And I was trained by a secret government agency that was supposedly dismantled in the nineteen-sixties. Believe me, in the long run you’re better off occasionally losing your shit. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [shifting, kissing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was an idiot to think I could handle things alone. I could never have managed it. Being Iron Man, by myself.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You never would have had to. That’s what we’re here for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah.

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** The readouts are holding at a steady, incremental improvement. As of right now everything physically looks pretty good - though we’ll need to do a proper MRI to get an idea of what’s going on inside the brain. There’s always a chance of brain damage when you’ve got tanked O2 levels, and Steve was out for a while.

Ostensibly the serum will be working in our favor there, but…well. You both know this territory is uncharted.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He was out for seventy years, and if that affected his mental capacity, I don’t want to know what kind of mad genius he was before that. No offense, Stark. One mad genius is enough. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I agree. I like how you don’t think Bruce is crazy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He isn’t. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Seventy years, _with_ serum-marker filled blood, it’s a little different when -- well. It could be a little different.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You see? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sounds crazy to me.

Steve’ll be fine.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’re going to have to deal with SHIELD. They want to send their own medics-- the only reason I’ve been able to fend them off is because you cut off access to everyone who isn’t a resident, and I keep apologizing politely and telling them that I have no power to reinstate it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Tell Fury he can go fuck himself.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [cough] That’s, ah, pretty much what she’s done. Albeit politely. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not opposed to him seeing Steve in the event that we don’t have positive changes. I just… I mean, he’s regrowing blood. That’s gotta take some time.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I didn’t tell Fury anything; Fury _understands_. But he has to make the demand, nonetheless. Too many people wanting to get their hands on Steve's blood, and all. I think I can hold them off for twenty-four, maybe thirty-six hours. As long as I can convince them you’re still behaving irrationally. Sorry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let me know if he gives you shit, I’ll go sit in a giant donut somewhere, he knows I have a history of that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] You could put one of those on the top of the Tower. He won’t give me shit; he knows you’re family. They’ll want to look over Bruce’s readouts, and want samples, and whatever else we’re willing to give them, so we’d probably better decide wha--

[buzzing, beeping] 

**J.A.R.V.I.S.** Avengers, I’m registered a spike in Captain Rogers’ heart rate and respiration.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What -- Steve?

[buzzing, beeping] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Rates are spiking, but still below normal range. Nat, the sensor readouts, what are our serum levels?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It looks like we hit a threshold when we reached...ten percent? Look at this spike; it’s up to seventeen and climbing…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That sounds good - come on, Steve, you can do this...

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I expected there to be a tipping point, but that’s low - very low, that’s… incredible. I have no idea how Erskine did it, but -- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still not moving over he--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sputtering, choking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, he’s still got tubes down his throat, can I -- ??

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Responsiveness to stimuli is not indicative of -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [coughing] 

[tape ripping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m leaving the O2 in, but the throat shit has got to go, waking up with those hurts like a --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sharp inhale] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve?? Can you hear me -- Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] 

[raspy] T-tony? 

[deep breath]

Where? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Tower, you’re in the tower, you’re fine, there was -- Bruce, he’s -- 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Make sure you don’t pull out the drip, Steve. Left arm. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breathing] 

Left-- 

[breathing, coughing] 

When is it? What year is it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sharp inhalation]

2014 - It’s tomorrow. You were out overnight.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] One day? Just one day? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [voice cracking] Yeah.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Steve, I need you to let me know if you’re in any serious discomfort. You’re probably cold, that’s to be expected.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Cold. Yes. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** That’s normal for someone who’s lost blood - you bled extensively, but the serum is doing it’s job. As your levels return to normal your circulation will improve and the numbness will subside.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Numb… [breath] Yeah. Feet. Ah. [breath] Head. What...how? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The hospital didn’t have the facilities we needed. I brought you over.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No...how…[cough, breath] The kids? Are they…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thor brought them in, the two plus mom - SHIELD's still holding her as a suspect, and she seems fine with that provided the kids have protection. The father is a Roxxon oil employee, nobody has been able to locate him. SHIELD and NYPD are on it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Rachel? I...She...went for help. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s… one of them, Steve. She’s a Serpent Society ground operator. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? [cough] She...no. She wouldn’t. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We don’t know what she would and wouldn’t do at this point. She brought Nat and Clint out to you; lied about how it happened. She spent the night at the hospital and went home with Clint and Becky - they were jumped, she and Clint were taken. We recovered Clint, but she’s MIA.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] She...Clint? Is Clint...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint’s injured but essentially fine. Same for Becky. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You’re the worst-off of anyone on the team, so don’t worry. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [swallow] 

[cough] 

Water? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Nat?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...Water. Of course. 

[water running] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m gonna rub your feet, see if I can get increase your circulation. 

What’s the last thing you remember?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah…

[breath, wheeze] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Here, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gulp]

[sputter]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Maybe a little slower.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [drinking] 

[breath] 

[coughing] 

Right. I walked into...hotel. It was dark. There was a hissing sound? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Similar to the basement level New Years attack? Nat said something similar before she was gassed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I really need better audio surveillance down there.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** There was hissing. Sounded like a snake. No hallucinations?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t...remember… 

[cough]

[breath] 

[sipping] 

Nothing after that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[hitching breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Doc, is there anything we urgently need to do for the patient?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I have some tests to run, but they can wait until we’re more stable. Serum levels are continuing to rise, at this trajectory he’ll be running on a full tank in roughly three hours...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark? Steve? Do you want us to leave you two for a bit? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s … it’s fine. Whatever you want to do, Nat.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** J.A.R.V.I.S. is monitoring. If anything changes, he’ll let us know. I need a shower; I’ll bring you down some dinner.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Okay. And -- tell the others? They’ll want to know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We will. We’ll be back. Stark, here’s Steve’s water. 

[sloshing] 

Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hmm? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If you ever almost die again, I’ll kill you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. 

[cough]

Ha. 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? Talk. I… [cough] throat hurts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are your feet any better? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. Yes. Th--thanks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hitching breath]

[breathing]

I … I thought. You were -- 

[hitching, footsteps] 

[bed creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] 

Sorry. [breath]

More water? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here.

[sipping]

I -- ha, you… you really sound like shit. It’s so good to hear your voice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sipping]

It hurts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry. What can I … tell me what I can do, you know I like -- fixing things.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Talk? I...can’t much. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** … yeah, okay.

I really lost it, Steve. I keep thinking about Pepper spending three months fending off Stane, defending my pigheaded interests, managing a multinational corporation while I was gone ... all of that with the media circus going wild. 

You were only out a day, but I destroyed a library, cried all over your feet, and tore your stitches.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Li- library?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was a weird day. I’ll tell you more, later. You shouldn’t worry about it now.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What, why it was weird?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sipping] Why _everything_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No solid answers. We’ve been a little distracted with you bleeding to death and all.

[rustles]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ngh...Tony...too… [cough] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, shit, I’m sorry, I just -- I wanted to --

[sheets rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. Sit...just hurts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I - -should get another blanket, are you -- here, wait just a second…

[footsteps]

[rustling, blankets]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re... not okay. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But you are. 

[rustling]

So it’s fine. Everything is going to be fine.

[rustling]

I was just - scared.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sipping, slurp]

More water-- 

I don’t-- I haven’t _hurt_ like this in...years. I...Can I sleep? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can I -- ah. Can I stay here?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Don’t want you to go. Just...careful. Where’s Moose? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah-- ha, you know there’s no way that dog is gonna fit on this cot.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Doesn’t have to. For you. While I sleep. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hitching]

I’ll … okay. I’ll call for him. Don’t - you can sleep, but you have to wake up. You _have_ to.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I-- [cough] I’ll wake up.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can’t lie. Steve Rogers shouldn’t lie. [kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_. [cough] I-- can you-- see if Banner can find… anything for pain? Anything?

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course. Of -- course.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know there might not...just…

[labored breathing]

...you. 

[silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… 

…

[bed frame creaking]

Oh, _Steve_. 

{{Saving….}}


	448. Was that all it took

[LVL 40 / SUITE 4001 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BANNER.Robert.B, ROMANOVA.Natalia]

{{TRANSMITTING}}

[footsteps]

[door opening] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Shower?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You need one. Here…

[footsteps]

[running water] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm.

[clothing rustling]

[zipper unzipping]

Are you okay?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps] 

[clothing rustling]

’m tired. I’m worried about Clint. I’ll survive. You? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Better. With him awake. Come here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mmm. 

[inaudible] 

You _feel_ exhausted. You need to sleep, darling. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I need you. I -- that feels good. Just being close to you. Can I -- I’ll wash your back.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I just scrubbed off an entire layer of skin; I’ll wash your back. 

[inaudible] 

This is better. It makes things better. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah.

[silence, running water]

You were brilliant, today.

[footsteps, splashing] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _You_ were brilliant. I just followed your instructions. It makes up for all the times you’ve had to get me coffee while I assassinate terrorists. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Well, I can’t let you go without coffee, that would be letting the terrorists win. You get a little cruel and unusual when you haven’t been properly caffeinated. 

[water running]

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m always a little cruel and unusual. 

[inaudible] 

Here, let me get your hair. 

[splashing, lathering] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm.

[water running]

Do you mind if I sit?

[splashing footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, here. 

[laugh]

This is the second time today I’ve sat in the shower with someone. Only Clint was fully-clothed and crying. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I meant to ask you about that. Becky?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Becky’s a wreck and Clint isn’t used to people who aren’t like us. This is his life. It’s the first time, I think, he’s been involved with a civilian. I kicked him out of the shower and told him to find her, but I don’t know. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Mmm.

That doesn’t sound good.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He was so happy at Christmas. I just want him to be able to have that. That’s all. It’s not what I’d want, but it seems like he might. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** It’s hard to know what you want when you only know one way of life. Change is scary.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] You’d be the expert.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [tired chuckle] Sad, but true. If you can’t tell what he wants, it’s unlikely he knows.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It is Clint we’re talking about. Sometimes I know what he wants before he does.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I know that’s true - you always guess what he’s ordering when we eat Chinese.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, it’s always either Singapore mei fun or chicken pan fried noodles. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [smooch] Becky’s a lovely girl. They’re well suited for one another, though if that’s a divide between them it’s one that’s never going away.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s going to have to navigate it himself. 

[breath]

If Stark weren’t so unpredictable at the moment, I’d ask him to speak with her. I know she likes him, and he’d have insight. But he’s ripping out stitches. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** God. That was awful.

[silence]

I really never thought he’d … but then, I’m not even sure he meant to. I wouldn’t have left him alone with Steve if I thought he’d lose it so completely. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I never want to do that again. There was a moment, where I was convinced he’d killed him. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I do think he would have crashed regardless of Tony’s involvement. And the end result was what we wanted.

It’s normal for people to panic and act irrationally in these situations. But -- I was right outside the door, Jarvis is online... _Why_ would any sane person do that?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Because it works with machines.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** It…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I think maybe we should be grateful he didn’t decide to try kicking him until he came back on.

Come here. Head, lap. Unless you want to get out of the water.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** To be fair he doesn’t usually kick machines, either. He asks and they obey.

Here is fine.

[water splashing]

He did -- what he always does, didn’t he. Took the nearest available tool and cracked Steve open. Tony Stark style diagnostics.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch] 

Like I said. It works with machines. 

Bruce, when that-- I mean, if that ever happens to me, you’ll be able to manage it, won’t you?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [kiss] I will take care of you as long as I’m able. I understand those choices a bit better than Tony, I think.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t think you would ever choose wrong. 

[inaudible]

Can I trust you with that? Do you want me to trust you with that? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I will take whatever trust you place in me.

[inaudible] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ll talk to my lawyer. 

[inaudible] 

Watching this has been exhausting. There’s too much misery around us. I’m trying to reflect upon the decisions I want to make.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Yeah. I feel the same.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I need to say something to you, and I’m not sure if you’ll be comfortable with it, but I had a conversation with Stark that made me feel as if this is the appropriate time to discuss it. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** You…. 

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I love you. Bruce. 

[inaudible]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Natasha - 

[inaudible]

I love you, too. I love you, I love you.

[inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh]

Was that all it took? 

[inaudible] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Isn’t that my line? If I’d known a near death experience was all you required, I’d have pushed Clint off the roof ages ago.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] 

[inaudible] 

I’ve been waiting for you. For months. Since that letter. After New Year’s, I thought it wasn’t something you wanted to talk about. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I wanted to. You have no idea how badly I wanted to.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [kiss]

You should have.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’d say nothing is that simple for us, but after seeing how completely overwhelmed Steve and Tony are by what they have, it does seem that simple.

You’re someone who uses words to paint pictures, to play characters. I wanted to show you instead of tell. I didn’t want you to be burdened by the way I felt.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I already knew how you felt. I just thought something was keeping you from discussing it. I told you nothing you could say would be a burden, Bruce. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** What if I told you I was giving up drinking wine and reading children’s books in my pajamas?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible] 

I’d know you were lying. I know all your tells.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Maybe that’s what I want you to think.

[smooching] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[inaudible]

Then I’d leave you. I’d rip every page out of every book, empty all the bottles of wine, burn your pajamas, and walk out. But it wouldn’t burden _me_. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Fine, fine, I surrender. You are utterly correct; you know _all_ my tells. 

[inaudible]

Bed?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t want to sit under running water until we start to erode? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I’ve got enough eating away at me at present -- I’d rather curl up and complain about your hair getting my pillows wet.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible] 

[sliding] All right. Up. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [sliding, footsteps]

[inaudible]

[water shuts off, towel fluffing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mmmf-- I love you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** And I, you. Alley-OOP!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laughter]

[inaudible]

{{Saving…}}


	449. pathetic idiot invalid boyfriend

T--

Thanks for leaving the StarkPad. Banner still doesn't want me out of bed; you can imagine how I'm feeling about that. At least this gives me something to do. See attached. 

He does say that as long as you don't mind taking over the lion's share of the oversight, he thinks it would be all right to move me up to the penthouse, maybe tomorrow or the next day.

We've been trying to find something for the pain. We aren't getting very far. Whatever that was that put me to sleep last night is the best we've done. Banner says that he's not sure how long my current condition is going to persist; he got me an inhaler, but it doesn't seem to be doing much for the wheezing.

DUM-E drew me a get well card. I think it's supposed to be a picture of magnified platelets, but I'm not sure and I don't want to make him feel bad by asking. Still, the sentiment is appreciated. He's been mother-hen-ing me ever since you had Thor drag him back over from the house. I'm sure you'll be happy as he is to know I've been drinking all my fluids. 

The kids sent me cards, too. Crayon-drawn "Thank You" cards; Hill forwarded them on from the safehouse. There's a note from their mother, too, but I just set that aside for now. 

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I put you and everyone else through this. I'm sorry you had to fly back, I'm sorry for all those hours of worrying. ~~I'm sorry you've had to put the rest of your life on hold to take care of your pathetic idiot invalid boyfriend. I know you don't have time for this.~~ I know better than this and you should be able to expect better of me.

 ~~It's just that I never in a million years expected~~ ~~I thought I had assessed the risk appropriately~~ I made a bad call. 

~~We need to find out what these people~~

I don't know. Natasha told me I shouldn't worry until I'm better. How do you all do this? It feels like a lifetime since I stopped getting sick, started healing so quickly. I suppose it is, literally, but it seems like such a hazy memory, and it's infuriating to be able to do so little.

Thank you for being so patient. Thanks for putting so much on hold. I know everything's ground to a halt around me. 

The one benefit to this situation is that people actually seem more inclined to listen when I order them around. There's an inflatable mattress down here now, so you can stay with me and actually have room to sprawl out. It's an extremely fancy inflatable mattress; I made sure it was full of inflatable diamonds.

Come down when you're done being a CEO? The lab's lonely without you, and I'm in need of a model. 

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little reminder that you have exactly ONE WEEK to get in your entries for the [Fanworks Challenge!](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014)
> 
> Please enter! We want to send prizes to all of you!! :-D


	450. Cancel each other out

S –

You know, I’m not exactly glad you’re laid up, but I really enjoyed a taste of the longer letters we used to send back in forth. Even though we communicate constantly now I sometimes miss the way things were in those first couple of awkward months. We were both a mess. Maybe we’re both still a mess, but… jesus, I used to spend hours pouring over exactly what to say to you and how to say it. I once put a wrench through a computer screen in frustration. Did I ever tell you that? 

~~You should know that I~~

I wish I could take you apart, grease the wheels, and put you back together whole. Bruce is so much better at this kind of thing than I am, the medical stuff. I had to flip through a book on beta-blockers and three journal articles on intravenous corticosteroids just to keep up with him in conversation, the bastard. Good thing I had time on my hands on my way to DC this morning. He gets so smug about it sometimes, I’m not sure if I want to punch him or bow at his feet.

~~There’s something I need to tell~~

Thank you for your apology. ~~I want~~ ~~I don’t want~~ You’re right – you should have waited, because _we’re your team_ and we’re always going to back you up and work something out. We saved the fucking world, a couple of kids would have been small fries compared to swarming alien hordes. But considering that we all made it out in one piece, it’s a no harm no foul situation. Honestly, I’ll sleep easier knowing you might make a different call next time. 

(It’s not exactly a trial to choose your bedside over work, and I’ll catch up eventually. I have two temping PAs trying to keep Becky’s notes straight for a few days – she was really upset by everything that happened in the library, I want her to take her time and figure out where her head is before she comes back to work. Even so, I’m catching up.)

I want to talk to you about – what happened when we brought you back, but I don’t want to depress you. So… maybe stop reading if you feel prone to being upset by talk about what happened when you were under?

Before you crashed Bruce and Nat stepped out of the lab to give me time ~~to say goodbye~~ alone with you, so when you flatlined I was sitting there by myself. ~~I panicked~~ ~~I didn’t exactly panic~~ I opened up the gash in your arm, the one that’s taking ages to heal. I tore the stitches out. I don’t know what I was thinking – I mean, I can guess seeing as I went for the lower arm, a gash that looked deep and likely to bleed out quickly, but I don’t really remember doing it. I feel kind of sick just thinking about it, actually. You’ve been pricked with needles for antibiotic IV drips something like fifty seven times in the last few days and I feel like it’s my fault for opening you up to infection while your serum isn’t performing 100%. I owe you an apology for that. So, let’s just… assuming you accept my apology, maybe our fuckups cancel each other out? And we can go back to being ridiculously ~~in love~~ sappy and whatever?

I should be in by nine, and I’ll head straight to you.

T

 

PS Not to add insult to injury, but someone – Serpent Society? – ransacked the house while all of this was going on… ostensibly looking for the controller once they realized you didn’t have it on you. They tore up the new furniture in the library and fucking threw the leftover green paint from the library all down the hall … dipshits. It’s a good thing you seem to like home renovation because our to-do list just got a hell of a lot longer.


	451. Let that be a warning to you.

T--

I know what you mean about the letters. 

~~God, you~~

It's ridiculous in hindsight, the way the panic used to rise in my chest every time I'd hit the send button. Nothing makes me panic like that. Nothing. Walking into a near-fatal trap? Didn't bother me in the slightest. Alien invasion? Mild concern. Asking you if you had feelings for me? Put me in a tailspin. 

I feel like I should fucking kiss Fury; if he hadn't been so damn obstinate about the whole documenting-everything-you-goddamn said, I would never have resorted to letters in the first place. 

I would never have told you this at the time, but somewhere around the time we went out to Long Island, I told him we'd sorted out our differences and I was letting you off the hook temporarily. 

Temporarily. Let that be a warning to you. 

Speaking of Fury, the SHIELD medics were by. Laughably ineffective compared to Banner, but they seemed satisfied that I'm healing. I tried not to cough while they were here; sat in a chair instead of in the bed. We decided it was probably better not to let them know how diminished my capacity is. They ran some tests, asked me some questions, and left us alone for now (though I've been threatened with another appointment; they want to chart my progress in the name of medical science).

Listen, about the controller. Barton thinks it may be that ring that was stolen, the one Rachel tried to pass off to Becky. I'm still trying to puzzle out that line-- if Rachel stole it from the house, and she was working for them-- something doesn't make sense. And I don't know why they're calling it a controller and not a goddamn ring.

We should find out sooner rather than later.

Listen, you're the one who picked out that hideous shade of green; I thought you'd enjoy having it spread all over the hallways. Are you having a change of heart? 

~~I don't know what to say about anything that happened while I was out. I don't~~ It's all okay, Tony. Whatever happened before, it's okay. ~~I'm uneasy about it, but~~ Whatever we have to do to make it okay, we'll do. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me. 

See you tonight. I'm going to try to get some rest before then. 

Thanks for everything. ~~I~~

\--S 


	452. Rot your teeth out

[LVL 37 / RESEARCH FACILITIES MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: ROGERS.Steven.G., STARK.Anthony.E.]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay, are you ready for this? …….

[dish clanking, splort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Tony, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You say that now, but… easy, easy…

[splurting]

Aw, _hell yes._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Does that...have stars in it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter]

It’s cherry, white milk agar, and ...well, a starfruit, obviously.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Is this...supposed to be my shield?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I figured you needed a replacement til we get our hands on the original - only this one is tasty and covered in whipped cream. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] I still can’t believe I...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, come on. We’ll get it back - don’t give me that look. I slaved over a hot bunsen burner to recreate your shield in perfect detail. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Perfect detail? You call that perfect detail?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay, the starfruit is a little on the green side of white, but it was the closest we could get. This is undoubtedly the most patriotic thing I have ever cooked.

And possibly the gayest. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, you’ve cooked about five things, and I’m fairly certain they’ve all been asexual. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Jell-o molds, are you serious? It’d only be gayer if I used that penis cake pan that Clint owns. Too bad he took it to the mansion.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Well, I’m ecstatic that your Jell-o can legally be wed in the State of New York. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Speaking of, I know what I’m doing for the wedding.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Wedding? [cough] What wedding? I thought I was only out for a day. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Ours. The one we’re not having, because I’d never marry a man who can’t appreciate the beauty of Captain America jell-o molds.

Try some?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, please tell me you didn’t propose when I was loopy on painkillers. 

It’s very beautiful. Incredibly artistic. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] Why? Would you have said yes?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Apparently-- [cough] apparently not, because I assume if I had, you’d have Jan in here fitting me for a tux. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** True enough. I’ll cut you a slice … ah, maybe we need a bowl, I guess a beaker will do. Don’t tell Bruce that I’m cooking on the burners again, okay? He’s so weird about that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You have my word. 

[spoon scraping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Here comes the helicarrier...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** The helicarrier is too large to fit in a regulation hangar, Tony.

[cough] 

[swallow]

It’s actually tasty. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Really?

[spoon scraping]

Well, I’ll be damned.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tastier than it looks, at any rate. 

[wheezing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You - let me get you some water. Hold this. Eat it all. [rustling]

[footsteps]

[tap running]

I … I can’t get over it, Steve. Having you back. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I thought it was just a day. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Longest day of my life.

Here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [sipping] 

I’m sorry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Come on. It wasn’t your fault.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [breath, coughing] I went in alone.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [silence] Yeah. You did.

I’m sorry, too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You don’t have anything to be sorry for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I should have been here. And...well. You didn’t see how I behaved when you were down for the count. Believe me, I do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Is there photographic evidence? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...yeah, actually. Looks like you were right to give Nat your Directive, though. She was great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [coughing] I don’t know anybody else who can keep their head the way she does. [breath, wheezing] 

At least my judgment about _one_ person was correct.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** She had us all fooled, Steve. 

Becky feels terrible.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Becky told me about her and Clint. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah.

I was too hard on her. She gave Rachel keys to the house, I just -- lost it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What? She...Tony. I gave Ray the keys.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Huh? She -- told me she did it. So that Rachel could walk Moose.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m the one who asked Rachel to walk Moose. I don’t know why she would have… 

[cough]

I got Ray a little pink keychain and everything. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ….she was covering for you.

[silence]

I owe her a drink or ten. Great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I never...I just assumed...Hell. We’re going to need to inventory everything again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [wheezing] I went with my gut on that one. Maybe I’m not as...I’m sorry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath] It’s fine. You just -- don’t do it again. You can’t fucking trust people like that. You can’t give people keys to our house, there are too many people out there who would -- do _this_ to you, or any of us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m trying to feel severely chastened and I know I should, but you called it our house. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Our house. You said ‘our house.’ 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I -- well, it is, isn’t it? Our house. 

[silence, shifting]

But you should have asked me -- that was _her_ on Valentine’s day, Steve. She was robbing our house while she was supposed to be watching our dog. That’s fucking ridiculous.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I know. [breath] I...Look, I’ll make this right. It won’t happen again, not-- 

[cough] 

I promise. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath] Yeah. I just -- need someplace that’s fucking safe in my life. First Malibu, then the tower, then the house -- 

[shifting]

I’m sorry that you hurt. I can tell you do, even though you aren’t saying anything. The painkillers still aren't working.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [snort] They never do. I… [breath] I’m more concerned about--

[cough]

Well. That. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [kiss] I know. But if the painkillers aren’t work, that means your serum levels are still present, just … suppressed. It should go away as you return to normal. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I hate it. I finally live in a decade where there’s medication for this damn stuff, and none of it works. I shouldn’t have to suffer the symptoms if the cure doesn’t work. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I know. It’s not fair. I wish I could… 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Please tell me that’s the silence you trail off into because you have a brilliant idea, and not the one you trail off into because you’re feeling helpless. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m never helpless. I’m Iron Man.

Here, eat.

[spoon scraping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough, chewing, swallowing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Your metabolism sure as hell hasn’t changed. That’s good, too. I’m interested to see if your glucose levels process the way they did before.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** God, I love it when you talk about hooking me up to machines and checking my readouts.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** And I love it when you get sassy, Mr. Rogers. 

[inaudible]

I… there’s something I want to tell you, but - it’s kind of maybe depressing? I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel like you should know. I want you to know.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Tell me. I’m going to have to hear it eventually, right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah.

Ah.

Apparently my mother was a Black Widow. My -- Natasha says she met my father while he was working in Bolivia, looking for an artifact. She - was an agent, I guess. SHIELD got her out and protected her.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence]

[wheezing]

So she...wasn’t spending all her time at charity events, is what you’re saying? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** She apparently worked them in between nazi-garotting sessions in South America.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** How do you feel about it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It feels like the rug was pulled out from under my feet - I’d sooner have believed… I don’t know, that I was fucking adopted, or that my old man fought space aliens, or that I have a secret sibling or something.

She wasn’t … I mean, she’s… still my mother, but it feels wrong. She wasn’t even Italian. Everything I remember about my childhood was just ...someone’s mission. 

I don’t know.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Everything you remember was real, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Peggy Carter assigned me a body guard. The man I called Edwin Jarvis was -- was really an old friend of yours, turns out. Jarvis was just his cover.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough, wheezing] What? Who? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Gabe Jones.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence] 

Peggy married him. It was in her file. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** She was over a lot, when I was small. Jarvis lived in the guest house, had visitors... their kids would have been grown by the time I came around. He retired when I went to high school.

[silence]

Steve, he bought me my first Captain America comic book. My dad didn’t want me to read his, so Jarvis would by double copies every month, one for dad and one for me. He used to tell me _stories_ about you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You...I thought he was British. The AI’s accent was British. Gabe was from Harlem, his folks lived up--

He talked about me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** He sewed my first Captain America costume. I wanted a cape but he said no, you would have found capes impractical--

[breath]

I thought he was British, too. He even cooked British food - if you can call British food food. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laugh] 

[cough]

Dammit, Falsworth. He made everyone learn how to make goddamn bangers and mash. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] I did like them. And that was before I realized how pervy the name sounded.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Of course, Tony, make perfectly good food sound like a dirty joke. 

[breath] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m pretty sure that’s why you keep me around.

I loved Jarvis. He was more of a dad to me than Howard, sometimes. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. None of them _told_ me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Maybe he was under orders, Tony. Maybe...maybe he knew you needed a friend. And you wouldn’t think of him that way if you knew you were his assignment. 

[cough] 

[breath]

Have you got any photos of him? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah. J? Can you push the photos to Steve’s tablet?

 **JARVIS:** Of course, sir.

[beep]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not...later. I’ll do that later, I think. 

**JARVIS:** They’re in a folder labeled on your dash, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Poor JARVIS. I meant to name you after an old friend, but it sounds like I gave you the wrong name.

 **JARVIS.:** Oh, I don’t know, sir. Considering Gabe Jones created Edwin Jarvis to protect you, the name remains quite appropriate.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m just going to pretend this means JARVIS technically reports to me. 

**JARVIS:** It’s a free country, Captain, you may believe what you will.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] You -- I’m sorry, I turned this conversation all serious, I was really just trying to cheer you up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You are cheering me up. [cough] You just told me that one of my dear friends more or less raised you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** And fed me the bangers and mash he learned to make sitting around in your fucking camp. 

The world isn’t really this small, is it? It feels small, sometimes.

[footsteps]

Make room.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [shifting] 

[cough]

Just...careful. I’m still a little beat up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Only a little. And you still look edible. [kiss]

[shifting]

[blankets tugging]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** As edible as your Jell-o? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmm. Sweeter. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] You’re going to rot your teeth out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Worth it.

{{Saving...}}


	453. Smoothie street cred

S-

Temporarily, huh? Still willing to trade me up for a never model? Clearly I should be cooking more for you. Or maybe less, if the cooking is what’s scaring you away.

(Did you enjoy the breakfast I left on the table? Sorry for not waking you, I figured you’d need your rest. Incidentally, I think making smoothies should count as cooking. It’s the only kind of cooking I have more experience with than you do. I’ve programed no fewer than three artificially intelligent robots to make smoothies, that’s a lot of smoothie street cred. )

I really should invent a silent blender so that I can make smoothies in the lab without waking you up. There’s got to be some market value in that, right?

So I’m a little confused here, Steve. Are you telling me that you lied about your incredible technological incompetence in order to create a paper trail to use against me when Fury was riding my ass last year? _Really???_ I’m not sure how I feel about that. Here I was, completely convinced you couldn't operate e-mail despite being able to use multiple high-security info-sharing systems while working for SHIELD... It’s like our entire relationship is based on false premises, you cad.

See if I bring you breakfast in bed TOMORROW.

I’m sure you’re right about the ring, and if it’s called a controller it…well, controls something. Some device? Magical? Technological? I never bothered running analysis on mom’s old jewelry, and by the time we realized what item was in question it was already gone. No answers on my end.

I miss you. Can I join you for lunch? Do you have takeout requests?

T


	454. Travesty of 21st Century Cooking

T--

Wake me up in the morning. I'm spending most of my days sleeping; I can take a little interruption. It's a fine exchange for a kiss goodbye.

Your breakfast offering was delicious, though the idea of eating what is essentially a vegetable milkshake for breakfast is never going to feel quite right. I did prefer the spinach and chocolate ( that's what I was eating, right?) over the fennel and spirulina with protein flakes or whatever travesty of twenty- first century cooking you tried to make me drink.

I hope work hasn't been too hellish since you've been back. I know I'd much rather beg you to stay; having you in the room somehow feels better. Banner says I'm cleared to go back upstairs as he's taken me off the IV solution, so it's away with the inflate-a-bed for you, provided you can keep from reverting to your barnacle-like sleeping habits until I'm a little further along healing.

Lunch, yes. We can even have lunch in the penthouse. I'd love burgers and real milkshakes. And tater tots, if you don't mind. I want to send notes back to these kids, and I'd like your advice on what to say. I don't want to sound too paternal, but I don't know if anyone's explained to them that we aren't related. I was thinking I could send them some silly doodles or something, if I can remember how to draw things that aren't you in your underwear.

I'm having JARVIS scan everything he can find re: snakes, the Serpent Society and South America. Didn't you say you parents met in Bolivia?

False premises, Tony? I needed proof that you were making everyone's lives miserable over your _leftovers_ , and god knows you would have deleted anything you left on the servers. You're the one who decided to play along and not even mention that you'd caught on. Was there some benefit to behaving like you thought I was an idiot? It's almost as if you wanted me to amass copious evidence that you're an ass. That, or you were trying to seduce me from the start. Lies, Tony. Everything I know about you is based on lies. I don't know what to believe anymore.

(I do know what if I had to do it again, I'd do it exactly the same way)

\--S


	455. A truck full

Brussel sprout – 

Steve downed half the jell-o and I’ve been keeping an eye on the readouts – his levels began increasing at an improved rate, but died off after about a thirty-minute span… sugar consumption as a metabolized agent when the serum is active certainly would explain Steve’s terrible sweet tooth. Still, that enhanced metabolism is a bitch. It might be easier to just stick his IV full of glucose.

(Not that I won’t be bribing him shamelessly with ice cream. I bought him a truck full of that Star Spangled Flan crap that he loves. Seriously. A truck full.)

Anyway, all that aside, I owe you an apology for the way I behaved when Steve was under. I’m usually good under pressure… hell I was more rational during my own subterranean open heart surgery. You were magnificent, and I really do regret that my presence only made thing more difficult. I guess this is a good lesson to learn – even I have limits.

Tony


	456. A handful of maps

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: ROGERS, Steve [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
subject: FWD: Rachel Leighton

Steve,

Sorry to mail you with something like this, but I wasn’t sure when you’d be up and I don’t have access to the penthouse levels.

I'm sure Tony's already gone over all of this with you... while you were out, Becky, Rachel and I were jumped at Rachel's place. I sent Becky down the fire escape and tried to have Ray go with her, but she refused and squared off with the goon squad with me. She's handy enough in a fight, but we were outnumbered and using the door as a bottleneck doesn't do much good when they gassed us. (definitely the same gas as New Years, btw, so yeah.) This morning I received the following e-mail ... I followed the instructions and ended up with a handful of maps. They match the description of the maps stolen from the Westbury house on Valentine’s Day, so I figure they're one and the same.

I realize you may have zero concern about Rachel, and we've already been duped by one attempt to isolate a team member, but I genuinely think she’s in trouble. She obviously didn't want the pricks that snagged her to have these. Unfortunately, most of them appear to point to a location in South America, so stepping out to verify them on my own is gonna be a little tough... you wanna see if your boyfriend will bankroll a visit? I could eat some alpaca saltado, personally.

Let me know if you want to see them. I hope you’re feeling better. I'll come down with a deck of cards and teach you how to play bullshit or something if you want, later.

Clint.

BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE-----------------------------------------------

from: T.S. ([tstststststs@gmail.com](%20))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Rachel Leighton

Agent Barton--

I know you don’t know me, but we met about a year ago. I was trailing your team in Florence and the post office. You stopped me in the tea shop and thought I was a ringer for your ex. Ask the Black Widow if you need confirmation.

I haven't heard from Ray since the day you all got jumped. I'm scared she's in over her head.

I’ll put it bluntly, we don’t exactly work on the up-and-up. I did my due diligence; I know you have your share of sketchy history and hope you understand. The folks we work for sent in some new people to run things, and they turned out to be bad news. As in, Nazis-ruthlessly-murdering-our-teammates bad news, if you catch my drift. The rest of us got stuck toeing the line of dropping out of sight. I have too many ties to the old guard, so I had to hide. Ray's the only one we had left on the inside who's had the proverbial balls to do anything about it, and she had no reason to owe us anything or feel like she had to stay loyal, but she did. And now these people have her, and it's way out of my league. So I'm asking for help.

I'm having a hard time getting intel. Everything's gone dark. But as far as I know, they're en route to Peru. Our clients have a new facility there. They're trying to get their hands on something they've been calling either the Helmet of Power or the Serpent Crown.

Ray left me some maps I need to get to you. I've got Ray's keys to the gallery. I'm going to be leaving them in Becky's desk. Come by after 11 and pick it up.

I’m deleting this account as soon as the mail’s sent. Don’t try to contact me. 

\--TS


	457. Might be a lead

from: ROGERS, Steve [S.Rogers@avengersinitiative.org](%20)  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@AvengersInitiative.org](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: FWD: Rachel Leighton

Thanks. I'll look into this. I'm not sure what to think about Rachel's involvement in all of this, but it certainly seems like this might be a lead on whatever the hell the Serpent Society was after

\--S 


	458. Perfectly Frank

from: Dr. Bruce Banner([b.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
to: Tony Stark[TStark@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Urgent – Patient Update

Tony,

I spoke to Steve this morning; I’m not certain he’ll share this information with you. Were I an actual medical doctor I’d be obligated not to pass this along, but seeing as I’ve been pressed into service in this capacity I’m acting on my best judgment.

Steve’s condition, while still showing signs of improvement, has leveled off in an unusual way. At present he is running a 38-degree fever and his lymph glands are swollen, suggesting infection. I’ve recorded symptoms of bronchial inflammation and reduced lung capacity consistent with asthma or bronchitis.

To be perfectly frank, these symptoms shouldn’t be possible with the super soldier serum functioning as we have been given to understand; even a low level of the serum should significantly improve his respiratory function the way it has been shown to do so in other subjects. We have no basis for comparison when it comes to this type of symptom manifestation; I have no way of knowing if the blood loss has temporarily/permanently impaired the restorative functions of the serum or if blood loss is triggering some type of serum rejection or adverse reaction to the presence of a foreign substance in his blood stream.

I’m sorry for sharing this with you during your working hours, but you should be prepared when you see Steve this evening. He took the news stoically; I can’t imagine that’s a good sign.

Bruce


	459. non-negotiable

Director:

It is with deep regret that I must inform you of my decision to resign as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and as Team Leader of the Avengers. The decision is the result of a year and a half of serious consideration of the subject and is non-negotiable. I am furthermore returning my uniforms and all related paraphernalia with the exception of my shield as that was a gift from a close personal friend. You have my permission (not that you need it) to retire or recycle the Captain America title as you see fit.

Sincerely,

Steven G. Rogers


	460. arguments to the contrary

Friends,

I’m writing to inform you all of my decision to resign my position as Team Leader and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, effective immediately. 

I would be happy to arrange a meeting with any and/or all of you to discuss transition. It is my recommendation that the position of Team Leader be turned over to Agent Romanova. 

Please understand that this was a difficult decision for me, and I am not willing to reconsider. I will not entertain arguments to the contrary. 

Steve


	461. P.S. Miss You

T--

I've gotten your voicemails. I’m not ignoring you; I am just not up to talking on the phone at the moment. We can talk tonight. 

\--S

P.S. Miss you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team!
> 
> Just a reminder that the [Fanwork Challenge](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014) ends on Saturday night, Eastern US Time-- so you have about three days to get something in! 
> 
> (Right now, we have fewer submissions than prizes in the fanart section, so...but if it stays that way, we'll give away all the prizes anyway, we'll just give them to the folks in the writing section!)


	462. Captain America bullshit

**[LVL 44 / PENTHOUSE BEDROOM MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:ROGERS.Steven.G; STARK.Anthony.E]**

{{RECORDING}}

[elevator dings]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Steve_? What are you -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [crutches thumping] 

What? I’m right here.

[heavy breathing, cough] 

Welcome home. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve, god -- what are you _doing?_ You should be sitting down.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Banner said it wouldn’t hurt for me to be up on crutches. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t care, listen to your -- does it hurt? How’s the leg? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. [coughing] Better. It’s-- I felt useless sitting around. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re not useless.

You’ve been busy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] 

Feeling sorry for myself doesn’t take that much exertion of effort. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Come on.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wanted to make dinner; I’m too tired to _cook_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t cook - I’ll cook. Or we can order in. [smooch]

I just - you emailed me? You’re ignoring my calls?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry I didn’t tell you first. I-- I wasn’t ignoring you. I just...I needed to get it done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- I just wish you’d...

[shifting]

Why? At least tell me why?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t keep doing this. This isn’t what I should be doing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can’t just quit the Avengers. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I… [cough] I need to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re upset. I get it, something you’ve always relied on is changing, it’s... You’re focusing on your injuries, you need to give it some time. Recuperate and organize your thoughts.

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, Tony, it’s not-- I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now. Since New York and goddamn Phase Two. I said--

[cough]

I said I didn’t want to discuss it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t lump me in with everyone else.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re not everyone else. You know that. That’s why I need you on my side more than anyone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re just -- you’re upset, you’re not feeling well, we just need to give it a few days and you’ll realize what a terrible idea this is.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony?

[breath, wheezing]

Did you ever watch the footage from New Year’s? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** … You know I didn’t.

I was there. I know what happened.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you know about HYDRA? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** At the time, no. Nat told me while you were on the table.

She told me to watch the footage. I didn’t realize why.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [wheezing]

[crutches thumping] 

[cushions squishing] 

I watched it this morning. I talked to Natasha.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** For what it’s worth, I told her you needed to know - but I didn’t think you’d fucking quit over it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Really? It didn’t surprise Natasha. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Great. Well, thanks.

How can you just -- she kept critical information from us. If you’d known, you wouldn’t have been jumped. If I’d known, the house might not have been compromised.

She knows how I feel about it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The problem is SHIELD, not Natasha. 

[wheezing] 

She was under orders; she trusted SHIELD to handle it. Do you think I wouldn’t have tried to rescue those kids? I would have done the exact damn thing if I’d known it was HYDRA, and there’s no use denying it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You would have been _more prepared_. Steve - I get it, your hero complex and whatever, I get it. I just -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t have a hero complex. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you serious? It’s like, ten miles wide. It’s a saving-people-thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

[cough]

That’s not a complex; it’s my job. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s--

I just want you to think about this. I warned you about the way people would take advantage of your fame, piggyback off your social standing, and you just charge off in the middle of nowhere, telling no one--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What, so now I get an I-told-you so? They told me not to. There were kids at stake. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not an I-told-you-so, it’s a maybe-you-should-consider-my-opinion-before-breaking-up-the-Avengers kind of thing. I’m a reasonably smart guy, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you _know_ I never really had a choice in this. You know how I’ve felt about that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And you just fucking trusted them. How did you even grow up in New York? Should I point out how shitty it is that you trusted a pack of terrorists before my opinion, or…?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t trust _HYDRA_ , for god’s sake. I went in with a goddamn arsenal. And then the next thing I remember was Rachel saying she’d call for help, before things went black again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Rachel set you up; she got Clint kidnapped and had your ex-girlfriend assaulted in a library.

Rachel has never been on our side.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know what side she’s on. She robbed the house, and then saved my life. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She set you up. She only fucking called it in to try and maintain her cover, for all the good it did her. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] And let them take a pint of her blood to maintain a cover? Did you talk to Barton? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, the blood worked out fucking peachy didn’t it? 

[pacing]

I haven’t talked to him since I hauled his ass out of a Serpent Society safehouse.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Rachel’s friend told him where to find your maps. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Has he gone? Were they there? They’ve done nothing but try to pick us off one by one.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She had them hidden. Barton went and got them. I have them now.

[breathing, wheezing]

Why do you think I quit? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You have the-- are you shitting me? Why the fuck would you act on this intel without us?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This...it’s my fight, Tony. Becky got hurt. Barton got hurt. Natasha got hurt. _You_ got hurt. I have to end this. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Your fucking fight? They threw me out a window! They ransacked my fucking building!

If it’s your fight it’s _our_ fight. Hello, hi, remember the team you’ve been training for a year and a half? The team that’d follow you anywhere, remember us?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence, wheezing]

Just because you would doesn’t mean I can ask you to do that. It doesn’t always work out for the best.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Guess who doesn’t get to ask? You. And I’m not asking, either. We’re all in. We’re the three fucking Musketeers. Well. The six Musketeers.

You’re our leader. You keep our shit together.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s Natasha. You know that’s Natasha. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Natasha isn’t capable of unifying people the way you do. She doesn’t even try.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t _notice_ because you’re staring at the figurehead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s completely -- I know Natasha. I knew Nat before you were defrosted, don’t tell me I don’t understand how she operates.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] You don’t understand how she operates. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Bull. Shit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not bullshit. 

[breath, wheezing]

I don’t understand how she operates, either. But it _works_. I don’t have her patience or her way with people; if it has been up to me alone, we would have fallen apart. We would have lost Banner, and probably Barton, a long time ago.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not here for Natasha. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You should be. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve - Nat is phenomenal, but she’s not the kind of person people rally behind. We stand with her, not behind her. You’re -- the kind of face this sort of operation needs. A collection of people with shitty, questionable pasts need someone like you to be the guiding light, the fucking--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Rock in the river? Really? 

[pacing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes. Fucking morally unquestionable, rooted in honesty and genuine care, determined to do the right thing, fucking _yes._ That doesn’t mean you’re perfect. There’s nothing you can do without the Avengers that you couldn’t do better _with_ the Avengers, regardless of why you think we’re here. We need you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t be that, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What-- you _are_ that. That’s pure, unadulterated Steve Rogers.

You just need to get healed up, to get back on your feet. We’ll step up the timeline for the privatization - Nat helped me smuggle you out of the hospital before SHIELD could process you, the clock is ticking anyway. We’ll act on this as a team, we’ll take care of it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not waiting for privatization. HYDRA isn’t going away. It could be too-- I need to do this now. I--

[cough]

I don’t want to talk about this.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can’t not talk to me about this. I -- come on, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll talk to you about it; you know I’ll talk to you about it. 

[cough]

But I did ask you not to try to change my mind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You shouldn’t be making this kind of decision under duress. You’re not well.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Sometimes you _have_ to make decisions under duress, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- you’re manufacturing a time limit. For fuck’s sake, give Bruce a chance, give _me_ a chance to look at this. It’s been a week and a half. You can’t do this on your own, and you can’t do this when you’re physically incapacitated. The team needs you. I need you. Here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I need you. [wheeze] You. Tony. But...staying here isn’t going to solve anything, and to do what I have to do, I can’t be attached to this team, or SHIELD, or... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look at what happened the minute you left us behind.

You’re always going to be attached to this team. We’re _your team_. It wasn’t _Iron Man_ trading cards Phil Coulson was hoarding, you ass. You’re the fucking heart of the Avengers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I’ve been sitting here, what-- [cough]-- doing press conferences? Sitting at a desk? Dancing at parties? I can’t do that; there’s too much at stake out there for me to do that, and I need to do something that the Avengers can’t be part of. 

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

So that’s what this was to you? An exercise in futility? A waste of time?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve been letting things happen right under my nose that I should have noticed. I got distracted. I can’t-- 

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You can. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do because someone needs to do it. Your work with the press --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Was pure showmanship, all over again. I’m good at it. That doesn’t mean it’s what I should be doing, not when there’s more important work to be done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If it’s so important, let me help. Out there, on the ground, with you. You just said you needed me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I do need you. [wheezing] But I’m going to need to leave, and if this is going to work, I’m going to need you _here_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Go - hell, no, you’re not going anywhere like this. And if you try, I’m sure as hell not staying here without you. Fuck that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re offering to help, I’m telling you what I need you to do. Tony, you have a company to run. You have-- [cough] we can’t _all_ resign from SHIELD. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Says who? Privatization. The way of the future.

If anyone can swing it it’s me - I fucking privatized _peace_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can toss around a shiny line, too, Tony. Privatization without access to databases? Intelligence resources? We’re going to need to work with SHIELD for a damn long while or we’ll be flying blind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hi, I’m Tony Stark, I _am_ your intelligence resource. Pleased to meet you. Databases you say? I could probably handle a fucking database or two. I mean, maybe. I only have, like... seven PHDs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, far be it from the man who didn’t finish his crummy Bachelor’s to argue, then. [cough] You know what I mean.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- I didn’t mean it like that, you know that.

You busted your ass to bring us together and forge this bond, you don’t get to walk out just because you’re pissed that Fury didn’t tell us about Hydra.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not walking out. I made a promise I wouldn’t let HYDRA rest. I need to be true to my word. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The last time you went after Hydra alone you ended up dead on an operating table. I’m not sitting here and waiting for another call like that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The last time I went after HYDRA with someone I cared about, he fell to his death. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He knew what he was doing, Steve, he was a grown ass man and a talented one at that. Some of us would rather die than let you go it alone. If our positions were reversed, you’d never let me leave. You know he’d--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] If our positions were reversed, we’d be having the same exact conversation, because I’d ground you and do it myself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sergeant Barnes’ death wasn’t your fault. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Don’t_.

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why shouldn't I? It’s clear that’s what this is about.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t get to talk about that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not the one who _needs_ to talk about it. 

You are so full of shit, Steve. It’s so-- infuriating.

[footsteps]

[glass clinking]

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough]

At least I can have an argument without a drink in my hand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And here I was gonna get you a root beer.

[ice shifting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who’s full of shit now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hmm, let me che--oh! Nope, still you!

Catch.

[glass striking flesh]

[bottle opening, fizzing sound]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry Natasha didn’t tell you, but that’s no fucking excuse to throw a temper tantrum and stomp off to go it alone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I'm not throwing a tantrum. This has nothing to do with Natasha. If Natasha had told me sooner, I would have done this sooner. I’m not having a tantrum. I’m taking care of unfinished business. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

[silence]

You’re crashing your plane.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Well, it obviously didn’t work the first time.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You - that’s because it was a stupid fucking plan, Steve!

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can do this. [breath] I have...I know where they are, I have better resources at my disposal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What. Resources.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You, you ass. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not into assisted suicide.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good, then you can help me make sure I don’t die out there. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh, can I get a no? Then a no, no, and also, no. You’re being ridiculous. You can barely walk, you’re coughing like crazy, the shield is gone - you’re not gonna chase off after Hydra without a team save your EXTREMELY BUSY CEO boyfriend, alright? I wasn’t here when you needed me last time, what makes you think I will be next time? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not going to leave until I’m better. And I have you. I have Natasha. I have Banner. [wheezing] I won’t be out there without a net. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That there that you just described? Is called _your fucking team_ , Steve. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Saved the world from an alien army. Took down the Mandarin. Defeated Loki. You don’t get to walk out on us and then make demands.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You just said you don’t want me to do it alone. Make up your mind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I want you to do this with your team.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The team can’t come. It won’t work. It’s too big, too obvious, it’ll turn this into an international incident. It could cause us more problems long term than-- Natasha told me the WSC wouldn’t approve action. This needs to stay under wraps. [breath] I can handle covert missions. And I’ll need a support team for it to work. What are you going to do, ditch your company? You need to be here. I need to be there. It won’t be forever. I need someone who can organize supplies, intel...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pepper can take SI - or we can promote internally, hire externally. She’ll understand - this is par for the course with me, all I do is fuck up her plans. They’ll hire someone.

I need to be with you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] That is exactly the wrong reason. You-- [cough] made me promise that our relationship wouldn’t affect my decisions. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I told you not to let our relationship prevent you from utilizing Iron Man because you were worried about endangering me. Which is exactly what you’re fucking doing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m _trying_ to utilize you. Here. Where I need you to be my eyes and ears. I can’t _take_ Iron Man; someone would notice. You don’t think I can do this. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, I don’t. Or rather, I do, but I think you’re stacking the odds against you, maybe even just subconsciously…. just. 

Fuck you. Some part of you wants Hydra to finish the job. You don’t want to come home.

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, I… 

[cough]

I want to come home. I want to be here, I don’t… 

I have to keep my promises.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You want to take HYDRA down? Use the fucking team you’ve trained to back you up. I was -- literally, literally, _literally_ put here by your fucking Commandos to back you up.

Let’s solve it together. Let me go with you. HYDRA wants you isolated, it worked last time, it’ll work again. They left you for dead once this week, isn’t that enough? For fuck’s sake… [ice clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

[wheezing]

 _They tried to throw you out a window._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And I was _fine_ , even without you there to protect me. I can take care of myself, Steve! I can take care of you, too, if you’ll let me. But I am not sitting in New York City, waiting for --

[liquid sloshing, ice clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not going to die. I need to do this. Understand that I need to do this. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You need to stay here. And you need to talk to someone about this. You promised.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll talk to someone when I get back. [cough] _You_ need to stop telling me what I need. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Genius, remember? I watched you die, I’m i-- your … partner, or whatever. I think I get some input here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. You don’t get to play the genius card every time you think you know what’s best for someone else; this is why Natasha gets to make my medical decisions. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I understand why Natasha makes your medical decisions. That’s not the issue here.

The issue is, it’s not a fucking card - this isn’t a game. I can’t think of any situation in which you throwing yourself at HYDRA isn’t _exactly what they want_. They know you. They’ve had all this time to think about how to play you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not-- 

[cough]

I don’t want to talk about this anymore. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because you know I’m fucking right.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you argue everything to death in the name of being right and tell people what they want and need instead of listening to what they ask you for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe if some people would ASK for help instead of fucking cowboying it up all the damn time I’d have a better idea of what they needed!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve asked you for help half a dozen times. I’ve told you _explicitly_ what I need from you. You’re ignoring me because you think I should be asking for something different.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What you want isn’t -- actually good for you. Even you can make mistakes. Those crutches wouldn’t be sitting there if you weren’t human... Peak human, maybe, but still human.

[breath]

 _I love you_ , you ass. I’ve done everything I could possibly do to help you be happy and adjust and move forward, you act like I’m...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

[cough]

Like what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Like my concerns are getting in your way.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you’re suffocating, Tony. Your concern isn’t ever just concern; it’s I-can-fix-it-here’s-how-to-fix-it-let-me-do-this-you-can’t-do-this-nothing-you-do-on-your-own-is-ever-right.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I … I’m not trying to be like that. You’re just so--

I don’t want to be like that. Don’t...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But you are.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe your perception is just fucked, huh? Am I not supposed to care about you when you go off all half-cocked, shouldering all the shit you don’t need to? I get it’s kind of super hypocritical of me to say that, but at least _I’ve_ learned from my mistakes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So have I. [cough] We’ve obviously made different mistakes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath catching]

Mistake or not, I’ll say it again - I’m fucking in love with you. Don’t make me watch someone restart your fucking heart again.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

You can’t come with me, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice shaking, liquid pouring]

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Put the-- [wheeze]-- fucking whiskey down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought we weren’t telling each other what to do. Or is this a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do kind of thing?

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I can’t deal with you drinking whiskey right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So drink your root beer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Put it down or the conversation is over.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? Who are you, my dad?

It sounds like it was over before it even began, to me.

You’re doing everyone out there a disservice by lettering your grudge against HYDRA inspire irrational decisions Think of all the people who have busted their asses to keep you and your fucking legacy alive.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] That’s _exactly_ who I’m thinking of. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? Because it sounds like you’re taking your toys and going home.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m taking-- [cough]-- my toys and doing what I was made to do in the first place. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So much for leaving the Captain America bullshit behind.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe that part was Steve Rogers bullshit. Who knows? Who can tell them apart, anyway? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Me.

[footsteps, glass clinking on table]

Look, I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s take a few days, you’ll feel better when you’re walking again.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want to fight. [breath] But I’m not changing my mind. I asked you not to try to talk me out of it. You did, anyway. You have to understand. 

[cough]

It’s done. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s -- don’t say that. It’s not done.

[footsteps, kissing sounds]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, you can’t kiss me and change my mind. The declarations of love were hard enough.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The way I feel about you can’t change things-- it can’t. 

[cough]

If you’re going to start using it against me-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not using it against you. 

I - should have told you before. I wanted you to know. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Only because I wouldn’t do what you wanted. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because I -- I _watched you bleed to death, Steve._ Don’t do this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Well, next time I’ll do it somewhere you don’t have to watch. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please...

[shifting, footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I love you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? Great.

That’s great.

[glass clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [wheeze] You know, so I don’t appreciate it being thrown in my face when you need to manipulate me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wasn’t trying to manipulate you.

I didn’t even mean to....

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _did_ mean to.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve…..

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m leaving. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

You’re -- don’t leave me. Please.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry. [cough] I have to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You-- can’t be serious. You don’t mean that. Come on, don’t --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s what I should have been doing all along. And I-- if you’re-- I can’t have you worrying about me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please. You think _this_ will stop me worrying? Fuck you - I can’t just turn this shit off.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t, either. But I can’t promise I’ll come back anytime soon. So I need you to get on without me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [liquid sloshing]

Nothing I do will be half what it could be, without you. 

I told you I loved you, and you’re just walking away?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not what I want to do. I love you, too. Please understand. It’s-- 

[cough]

It’ll be alright.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hoarse]

You’re a real bastard, Rogers.

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] Don’t, Tony. I need you to be okay with this. 

[cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re asking me to be okay with you leaving me? Are you fucking serious?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not going to be forever. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And I’ll just what, wait around, twiddling my thumbs? That’s…

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not asking you to twiddle your thumbs; I’m asking you to help. The way I need you to. From here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t get to ask me for that, now.

[clearing throat, hoarse]

Fuck, Steve. I can’t -- You’re not -- 

I’ll... let you know. If I can to do that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breathing] 

I need a mission control. I need you.

[cough] 

[silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] It’s all about what _you_ need, huh.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. I don’t mean to-- Please. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… need to...

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] 

I need to sleep. We can...talk more in the morning.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What more is there to say?

Do whatever you want. _Mi casa es su casa._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. And you’re a thief here to steal my heart. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [harsh laugh]

Yeah. Well. That worked out so well for everyone, didn’t it.

[bottle sloshing]

[footsteps]

[elevator binging] 

{{Saving…..}}


	463. If you aren't sick of me

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: CA

T-

I know I'm not always the easiest person to get along with. I jump to conclusions, and I always believe I know where I stand, even when I'm so fucking off-base it's a miracle I can stand at all. I shouldn't have sent that last email - I shouldn't have done a lot of things, actually. Prioritizing some dumb blonde over you, for example. You'd think by now I'd realize where my bread is buttered.

I've got urgent business in California this weekend, R&D and stats/planning. If you aren't sick of me, want to join? If you can occupy yourself while I'm working we can take the jet, or you can turn up whenever you have time. I'm thinking we hit Urasawa, maybe, and have a few drinks, red-eye back Sunday night.... 

let me know,

T


	464. My end of the bargain.

R&D--

Where the hell are you? You knew we had to meet with Hill today.

Steve told me what happened. I can appreciate that you're upset about it, but I need some backup. I'm the one who pulled Steve from the hospital, and I'm the one who disclosed everything to Steve; I'm the one who's in the hot seat over this. I've been keeping my end of the bargain (clearly, or we wouldn't be in this predicament). If we're going to be partners, you need to keep yours. 

\--Legal


	465. Urgent Business

Legal –

Urgent SI business in California; I cut my last trip short and they needed me at our Silicon Valley location for product meetings from Friday AM. Should be done Sunday.

You’re our S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison – did you really need me for Hill? 

T


	466. Good luck in California

R&D-- 

I deliberately countermanded orders from the Director of SHIELD in deference to you. I can handle this on my own, but it was my understanding that it would be easier to present a united front if we were actually presenting a front at all. 

Good luck in California. 

\--Legal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder!
> 
> Entries for the challenge are due at midnight tonight, US time! [Full details here!](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014)
> 
> There are still few enough entries that EVERYONE will win a prize (hint, hint)


	467. Please come home

T--

Why aren't you picking up your phone? Are you still in California?

Look, I need your help with this. I'm not joking about that. I've been going through Howard's notes-- see the section below. If HYDRA gets their hands on this, I don't know what we're talking about, here. But the tie with Roxxon worries me; Jones is supposed to be touring their facilities down there and it all sounds like the prelude to something bigger. 

So if I'm going to do this, I need to go. We've been under heavy SHIELD scrutiny, and Natasha thinks they're going put her under some kind of disciplinary action. If they send another agent in here, I'm not going to be able to get out unnoticed, and the idea of HYDRA getting their hands on something this powerful, frankly, scares me. 

I need to go over my itinerary with you, talk to you about tech and resources. I know how you feel about this, but please just hear me out. Please come home. 

~~I love you~~ ~~I love you~~ I miss you. 

\--S

_From the notes of Howard Stark, Oct 6, 1968_

Observed the effects on the victim of the Helmet up close today; even without the Helmet, it has a strong effect on subjects exposed to its radiation. Victim's mind appears to be fully given over to an occult power and must be kept bound to prevent harm to himself and others. So far, no luck in finding a substance suitable for repelling the powers of the Helmet or the Controller. Vibranium? Unfortunately not available in quantities needed for testing.

Giving the Controller to M for safekeeping; her ability to withstand its draw is somewhat stronger than my own. M believes it will come in useful for interrogations.

Tracing the mythology of the Helmet leads me to believe that there is a means to destroy it, though I'm uncertain as to the exact principles. May require a trip to Egypt in the next few months. See illustrations on reverse.


	468. Anytime before two

Cap – 

~~You're pretty demanding for someone who just~~ I’ll be back Monday morning. ~~What makes you think I'll drop everything and~~ Schedule a time with J, anytime before two is convenient enough.

 ~~maybe then you'll~~ ~~I miss you too~~ I'll see you then,

TS


	469. Should I

T--

Schedule? Stop that, you're being ridiculous. Should I pick you up at the airport? 

\--S


	470. A ride

No thanks. I have a ride.

TS


	471. I Could Use You

Barton:

It sounds like HYDRA is after a mind control device; the ring somehow connects to it, though I'm not sure how. Based on HYDRA's relationship with the Serpent Society and the Serpent Society's dealings with Roxxon, I'm concerned this relates to Hugh Jones' visit to their new mining operation in Peru, which gives us a tighter timeline than I hoped for. 

I'm going over the plan for South America as soon as Tony gets back from California. I need to spend a good part of the day alone with him; he left in the middle of a quarrel and I owe it to him to make sure I'm not leaving with anything unresolved. 

Given the situation with SHIELD right now, I don't think it's wise to take anyone else along, but if your offer is genuine, It's much appreciated-- did you ever send an official resignation, by the way? I didn't get one from you. Banner doesn't think it's wise for either of us to go, but my asthma is just about gone and my injuries are healed, and optimistically, a few more days should take care of the rest. He said about three more weeks to a month out for your head. If I'm still down there in three weeks, I could use you. 

Steve


	472. Whatever you want

[LVL 43 - PENTHOUSE SUITE / MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: ROGERS.Steven.G., STARK.Anthony,.E., STARK-ROGERS.Moose]

{{RECORDING}}

[elevator bings]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What the fuck are you doing here?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You told me you’d be back this morning. I’ve been here all day.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Something came up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why didn’t you call? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was busy. I -- figured you were too.

What are you doing here?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Where else would I be?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

[ice clinking]

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You need to stop drinking so much. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You never said a word when I cut back; yet here you are, the moment I pick up a glass. Steve Rogers, the little white angel sitting on my shoulder.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not healthy, Tony. It worries me when you do that. Bu--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just got home - and it was a long weekend. An after-work drink is hardly an issue.

[ice clinking]

Sometimes I think you bring out the worst in me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because I ask you not to drink so much. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, because you--

You need to pack your things and go if you’re going. I... really didn’t think you’d still be here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wouldn’t leave without seeing you. And we still need to talk. You disappeared.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have an office for work-related meetings, Rogers. Look - fine, you’re here. What do you want from me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony_ , I know you’re angry. Is this how you want to spend my last day? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

Are you fucking kidding me? This was never what _I_ wanted. _You_ did this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry. But we’ve been through--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t -- do this to me.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What can I say to make this better? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing will fucking make this better. What could possibly improve the fucking situation, huh??

[ice clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t… 

[cough] 

[breath] 

Look, can we sit down? Go over the plan? Everyone else is up to speed; I just-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …you can barely talk about it. How are you going execute if you can barely speak?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m a million times better, Tony. The cough’s gone. Nearly gone. Banner tested me, everything’s coming back.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What if it’s chronic? What if you don’t get back to full capacity? What if it’s -- Banner still doesn’t know exactly why it happened; there’s nothing comforting in that. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What do you want me to do, bench press the refrigerator to prove I’m well? Just...look, please listen?

[silence, sighing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you….

Fine. I’ll listen.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s all I’m asking. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So talk.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just a…

[footsteps]

[cushions squishing] 

I’m flying to Peru. Everything I can find in Howard’s notes points to...may I take the notes? I know they’re yours. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Also priceless, irreplaceable, one of a kind…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wouldn’t take the _book_. I’ve had JARVIS scan them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

You really think the answer is in Peru.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It makes too much sense. Howard’s notes, Roxxon...Can you get the maps? They’re on the bed. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** .... the maps. You mean _my_ maps? My _stolen_ maps?

[footsteps, muttered swearing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not the one who stole them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You didn’t give them back, either.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sigh]

Here. Tony. It’s not as if I’m taking the originals.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Damn right you’re not taking the originals. 

[paper rustling]

[ice clinking]

[cap unscrewing]

[liquid sloshing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Can you _please_ hold off on the drinking? At least until I’m done going over the plan with you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It helps me think. Do you want my help, or not?

Peru. Lima? Cusco?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Flying into Lima. Howard’s notes talk about the Pacific Ocean, but it looks like he struck out there...then there are some mines on his map, here...which, coincidentally, were recently purchased by Roxxon. 

[papers rustling]

This drawing, here, this is what he was looking for. This...helmet. It...matches your mother’s ring. They found the ring. And apparently someone who’d come in contact with the helmet...but not the helmet itself.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Things like that seem to make a habit of disappearing.

Clint didn’t happen to turn in that priceless family heirloom along with my stolen cartography? Considering its acquisition was how my parents met, I’d kind of like it back.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Rachel passed it off to Becky. The attackers at the library stole it back from her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whoop dee fucking doo.

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? You had better damn well not be getting another drink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Or what? You’ll walk out on me? Kind of loses its effectiveness after the first time around.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s your third whiskey, and I know you were drinking on the flight back. I’m of half a mind to pour out your bar.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

You won’t. You need me. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need me, you’ve made that abundantly clear. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] I do need you. You know that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [low chuckling]

So you you want my mother’s ring, my father’s notes, my family maps and it’s hasta la vista, huh. Fine. 

Jarvis, scan the maps, and import/project the digitized version of all Howard Stark notes related to South America between the dates of 1942 - 1968, please.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint said they called the ring the controller. That’s consistent with the surveillance footage from New Year’s; there’s someone saying that they’re going to look for the controller-- Rachel, actually, I think. And the ransom note asked for it, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So when they didn’t find it in the tower, they picked the house - another holiday evening, when they assumed we’d all be gone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t think HYDRA knew that Rachel had it, or they wouldn’t have demanded it as ransom. I didn’t know what it was. Since I wasn’t planning on giving anything up, it didn’t matter at the time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How thoughtful.

So Rachel had it, and now they do. Hurrah.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Howard seemed to think it...could control people. Not unlike Loki’s sceptre, it sounds like-- Jarvis, bring up-- what was it, page 142 in the 1968 diary? The one I bookmarked. 

**JARVIS:** Certainly, Captain.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s no longer serving as Captain America anymore, J. Adjust naming protocols accordingly, please.

 **JARVIS:** ...of course, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s still the correct address. I’m just not wearing that goddamn costume anymore. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It hardly matters given that you’re leaving.

 **JARVIS:** The, ah, notes in question, sirs…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It apparently matters enough for you to make a point of changing it. For God’s sake, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

You’re the one making me do this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hardly think I made you take it out on your AI. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you - [voice cracking] 

If you don’t like it, you know where the door is.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why would I leave on my last night here? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] Why--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? Tony, here, can I-- Please don’t-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling]

[breath hitching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What can I do? Tell me what to do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, breathing]

[muffled]

Give me another chance. I can’t do this without you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] 

It’s not a question of chances. You can’t disappear. People will notice. And there’s too much work to do here. You know it’ll put everything you and Natasha are trying to do at risk. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling]

Your -- your priorities are absolutely fucked, you know that? Hugs aren’t going to fix this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What will? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You say that like it’s ….

[footsteps]

[glass clinking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

Put. Down. The. Whiskey. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [glass shattering]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [claws clicking on fancy ass reclaimed barn wood floors]

[whining]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hell. Moose. Moosey, it’s okay, I’ll...look. I’ll clean it up. 

[rummaging, wiping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

[cushions settling]

[silence]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [more claws clicking on fancy ass reclaimed barn wood floors]

[licking]

[snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...hey, boy…. hey, Moose, hey.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

[cushions settling] C’mere. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t. 

[shifting]

I have to do this, don’t I? Or you’ll get yourself murdered in some fucking Peruvian jungle.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No one’s going to get murdered. But Natasha needs your help with our extraction plan; I’m going to need tech, supplies, oxygen, a sat phone, some kind of tracker, or distress signal that won’t be identified. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll be sixteen hours away. I’d never be able to respond in time.

[silence]

I built one.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

Of course you did. What do we need to do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

First model was for injection as a subdermal implant, but I wasn’t sure if your body would reject it, or if you’d be vulnerable to infection with the reduced serum-levels. The other’s a physical tag, looks like your dogtags. Shielded and all. Shouldn’t set off any alarms.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Perfect 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:**

Actually -- actually. Here. I finished it on the plane.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] You-- 

[jingling]

All right. Here...Just let me…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [jingling] 

There. How does it work? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There’s an embedded microchip, microphone. Squeeze here, this section. It’s triggered by pressure along the rim.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like this? 

[soft beep]

 **JARVIS:** Sir, Mr. Rogers’ data feed is live.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Once you trigger it it’ll broadcast a streaming feed for a four hour block. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Should we try the implant? I very well might lose these, have them taken--

Wait.

[jingling] 

Here. Keep these ones for me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

No.

[cushions rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, please. You can wear them till I get back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choked sound] I … 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Or put them in a drawer, if you can’t. They’re just about the only thing I still have. These, and a few photos, and my bike. I don’t want to lose them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

I don’t want them, Steve. Bring them back yourself.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Give me something of yours to bring back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _No._ I can’t -- you’re just fucking with me, now. I can’t do this. Just -- stop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know what you want me to stop. I’m trying to make this _better_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** By pouring salt in the fucking wound? Jesus _christ_ , you’re the most--

[breath]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [whining, snuffling]

[licking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why-- [sigh] Hey, Moose. I-- All right. Just…

C’mere, doggy. 

[jingling]

There. Just keep them there. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [slurping licks]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This isn’t happening. Please tell me this isn’t happening.

[breathing]

Just finish your plan. Get this over with.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I will. I swear. 

[breath]

Moosey, go nuzzle Tony. Yeah. Good boy. 

[pat]

Howard appears to have tried the coastal region already. It was supposedly lost-- here-- it would have turned up, unless someone else already has it in their custody. I don’t know if the ring-- how the ring relates to it, but Howard seemed to think it was important, that they connected or somehow magnified the power. We know HYDRA has the ring. So we need to get to this crown before they do. The stories Howard cites here-- they’re all about controlling heads of state, royals…they go back centuries.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [licking, snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So tall, blonde 6’3” you is gonna go sniffing around for clues in Lima all on your lonesome? You’re pretty much Fred from the Scooby gang.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

And they’ll get away with it, too, if it’s not for this meddling kid.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [cracked laugh] Really? Clint made you watch _Scooby Doo?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And the _Jetsons_. I learned all about the far-off twenty-first century. I was planning to mostly stay out of sight. The mine’s not in a very populated area; I’ll keep my head down.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Go on, Moose.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [claws clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you want me to monitor S.H.I.E.L.D. and track Hydra’s operations from New York.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can, can’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’d violate almost a third of the clauses in my consulting contract. You’re asking me to risk getting thrown off the team for you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** From what I understand, that’s about as much as you asked Natasha. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know Natasha always acts on her own accord. She and I have an understanding, mutual risk, whatever. Not that it’s any of your business.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You still asked her to do it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What do you want in return? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …I’m not that kind of businessman.

[silence]

Just come home. Alive.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath hitch]

I’ll come home. I promise I’ll come home. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

Alright. What else do you need.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have a list. JARVIS has the list. I’ve already forwarded it. 

[breath]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That it?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And a home to come back to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll see what I can do. J, run an inventory check against that list, see what we still need? Set up a shipment to… someplace central. Lima. No, actually, triple it and send three drops, Lima, Iquitos, Arequipa.

 **JARVIS:** As you wish, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thank, J.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thank you. I…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[silence]

So. Uh. I guess I’ll go get started.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You should sober up first. Do you need to eat? I made-- there’s pot roast. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I. I really -- you cooked _dinner?_

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [snuffling] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course I did. When am I going to have another chance? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? If I know you, you haven’t eaten since breakfast.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just -- You expect me to just sit there and pretend that -- this is okay? That nothing has changed?

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

You want to pretend everything’s changed just because I’m leaving? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We both know you’re not just… leaving. You’ve spent plenty of time telling me all the reasons I’m not --

It doesn’t matter. Let’s eat dinner. I love your pot roast.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I don’t know how you need this to work, but I’ll do whatever you need. I...I just wanted to give you a goodbye dinner. I never get to say goodbye. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallow]

Alright. I-- If it’s what you need.

[footsteps]

[inaudible]

It smells amazing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just let me…

[dishes clanking] 

It’s going to be okay. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll serve the roast.

[cutlery scraping]

[bowl sliding]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [tail thumping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There you go, Moose.

Guess it’s just you and me, huh. Make sure you give your dad plenty of goodbye kisses. Sloppy ones.

Here, double up.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [slurping, chomping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chair scraping] 

I’ll call in. As often as you want. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And if I don’t want?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you…I’m offering to make this easier for you. Whatever will make it easier...I’ll do it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is that why?

Okay. Just… remember that you offered, when I ask for space.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Space as in...normal people space, or Pepper-space? No contact? Except for work and emergencies? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know yet. I’m... really pissed at you, Steve. I have to figure out where my lines are. 

[silence]

I don’t want it to be that way, but I can’t help the way I feel. 

[cutlery scraping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know you are. I’m not asking you to feel differently. I was furious with you last Christmas, and we weren’t-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t think it would, but it changed things. Being an “us”.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It did. But now I understand why you had to do what you did. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a stupid move.

I’ll get over it. Provided you keep your promise.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I always keep my promises.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, so you say.

[silence]

[cutlery scraping]

You’ll check your e-mail.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Every day. As long as I can. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

[cutlery scraping]

[chewing]

And I’ll write. You don’t have to write back. I’ll write unless you tell me not to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t … I don’t understand you.

[chewing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t have to. I love you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [cutlery clanks]

[breath]

[chair legs scraping]

[footsteps]

I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t -- but just let me... 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why shouldn’t you? [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’ll just hurt worse, in the end.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I love you. It’s not forever. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re lying.

[breathing, inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I promise, Tony. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t -- Steve. Stop promising. Just, stop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. Fine. What can I do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can we ... bed?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Of course. Just. 

[inaudible] 

I’ll stay as long as I can. Till the last minute.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Fuck, fuck, you have no idea--

[inaudible, clothing rustling]

Stay, then. Whatever you want. 

{{Saving…}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team! 
> 
> Reading and voting is now open for the fanworks challenge! 
> 
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> 
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> Voting will be open through Sunday, June 22!


	473. Behavioral Flags

from: System Administrator ([jarvis@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Natalie Rushman ([NRushman@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Behavioral Flags 

Natasha,

As I suspect you are aware, when my OS was first installed in the residential quarters here at Stark Tower, my creator generated a series of behavioral flags meant to inform as to the mental health and overall wellness of our residents/guests. This was a key element of the negotiations with SHIELD that resulted in the team's being allowed to reside at a Stark-owned property after the conflict in New York. At the time, no behavioral guidelines existed for Mr. Stark; however, I thought it prudent to take the liberty of establishing baselines for him as well.

This evening both Mr. Stark & Captain Rogers’ behavior violated several behavioral benchmarks – 17 and 8 respectively. I have reason to believe that Captain Rogers’ depressive tendencies have reached the severest levels I have recorded to date. While I understand completely the relevance of this mission when it comes to the privatization scheme of the Initiative, I am given to believe the likelihood of his success is only moderate, given the current scenario. 

I have attached a list of items Captain Rogers did not requisition for use in South America, but which my projections suggest could be useful - with these resources & reasonable assistance in the field, I believe his chances of success would be raised to an acceptable level of risk; however, a number of these supplies were unavailable to me for immediate deployment with my current resources. 

If I might be so bold, I would appreciate you taking the time to pick up these items from SHIELD equipment lockers - I've already submitted the appropriate requisition forms, but they'll require physical sign-off by an Agent for pickup. Attached are the delivery schematics for the aid drops Mr. Stark has set up -- if you are available to pick up these items, all delivery related surcharges should be billed to the household account.

I thought it right to keep you informed on these topics. If you need any more information from me, or have any suggestions on how to address scenario, please do contact me in any way you prefer.

Your humble & obedient servant,  
Jarvis


	474. Effective Immediately

Agent Romanova:

In response to recent events, your status as a field agent has been suspended for six weeks, effective immediately. You have been assigned to desk duty and will report to me for the duration of that period. 

Please contact me at your earliest convenience to receive your new assignments. 

Commander Maria Hill  
Deputy Director  
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division


	475. Under the Circumstances

Natasha--

Sorry about that. It was the best I could do under the circumstances. 

\--Maria


	476. what needs to happen

Nat,

How’s the cottage looking? Tony said the house was pretty bad – I hope those bastards dug through my dirty laundry basket, that’s just desserts for the pain-in-the-ass caused by the house break-in.

I’m recovering, but slowly... not as young as I used to be, I guess. Five days til the stitches come out, and they sent someone up today to re-glue the cut in my scalp, but at least they didn’t shave my head or anything. Becky keeps ordering in take-out so I won’t have to cook anything, though she’s only been by once or twice since we called things off. 

They’ve put me on leave for three fucking weeks for the conk on the head and the gassing – I kind of think that’s bullshit, but considering the whole UN thing last fall I guess it’s kind of reasonable. I figure I'll use the time off to burn the last of my sick days and compose my letter of resignation. Because if privatization is a thing that's coming, and if Steve may need someone unaffiliated with SHIELD in South America, it just... makes sense. I was thinking about doing it anyway, so, yeah.

Steve wrote me last night and told me he wanted me to go with him, but he’s not going to ask because of all the bullshit with the stitches and shit… like he’s in one piece and totally ready to rumble, right? Right. 

I know you won’t say anything to the others – but the idea of this helmet fucking freaks me out. I’ll go to South America if that’s what needs to happen, but I just – 

Mind-control gas, mind-control helmets, I’m so over mind control. 

I’m not sure why he’s asking me and not Thor – Thor’s ten times the Avenger I am. Of course, if he took Thor we’d only have two active duty Avengers in New York, which might be exactly what HYDRA wants from us… but I don’t know, it still seems kind of crazy to leave the big guns behind. I called Tony a couple of times on Saturday but it was total radio silence… typical. I don’t know how he can even complain about Steve lone-wolfing it when he runs away whenever things get awkward.

Love you. I have some Thai takeout due in tonight, apparently. Let me know if you want to join.

clint.


	477. You can take care of the distance

Clint--

The cottage was overturned a bit, but it's clear that HYDRA realized the most valuable thing we have in there is our wine collection and the pasta maker Bruce bought me for Christmas. (Well. Bought himself, but I reap the benefits, so I'm not complaining.) 

Bruce's lab was thoroughly ransacked, though, and he's still trying to piece together what was taken or destroyed. Some of his analysis of Loki's scepter and various other gamma-radiating artifacts was scattered, which concerns me in the context of what Steve's been reading about this helmet.

I'm going to talk to Stark first thing in the morning. He's being touchy, and I can only assume it's over this. Steve said they got into a fight about it. I'm not getting mixed up in their relationship issues, and this is a lesson they're going to have to learn if they're really serious about privatizing. The thing about the two of them is that when they're working in tandem, they're unstoppable. When they're at odds, they're implosive. If they can't work it out, the organization is going to self-destruct, and I'd rather know it sooner than later. 

I've tagged Steve (although I'm not telling him about it) and we put together an extraction plan if we need it. Hill's arranged things so I'll be on desk for the next six weeks, and that means full monitoring capacity under the guise of disciplinary action-- she couldn't get me off-duty completely or I'd be going along. 

As for Thor-- We're combing through the notes about how to neutralize the damn thing, and it might require sending someone to Egypt to retrieve yet another piece of this puzzle. Someone who can deal with gatekeepers possessed by ancient inhuman powers. And the only experience the rest of us have with that sort of thing beyond the Tesseract is limited to having to smell your unwashed socks. 

I understand why you feel the way you do. Decide what you want to do, and we'll make it happen. If all else fails, I have a contact presently on the ground in South America if we need him-- the man's expensive, but you remember that shitshow in Cape Town? We got out alive, so that's saying something, even if his methods are a bit unorthodox. But Steve and I both think sending you would be the right move-- Steve's combat abilities are similar to mine; you can take care of the distance. And the two of you have been working together for almost two years, now. Ideally, you'll be healed up by the time Steve's finished scouting, and anything that needs to be done, you can do together.

I'll come over. We can talk about it in more detail. Bruce is reading through more of the notes and trying to match up the signatures he's finding, as it is, so he'll likely be in the lab late. I can have him tap Stark and see what he can get out of him. 

Love you, too. I'm bringing you some beer.

\--Natasha

PS You should call Becky and tell her you want to see her.


	478. As a Partner or as a Friend

Stark,

How are you doing? Steve told me you were still upset about him leaving. I'm sure Steve told you that you missed our discussions while you were in California, but I'm not sure how much he got around to explaining. 

I know Steve's response to all of this has been somewhat emotional, but I find that sometimes the best way for someone to learn is to give people enough rope to hang themselves with. Steve's been stir crazy since New York, flailing without purpose, moved by inertia, it seems, rather than clear motivation. He acts, sometimes, like the sole survivor of a plane crash, certain that he should have died, or that his survival ought to have a meaning, but that he's floundering to figure out what it is. He seems paralyzed here with us, doing only what other people tell him, incapable of choosing anything for himself, and this is the first thing I've seen that's given him a real sense of urgency, set him to action on his own. This is actually something that will give him a direction, and at very least, I think, finally help him decide whether he really and truly wants to be Captain America (and all that that implies) in the twenty-first century, or if maybe his path lies elsewhere.

I’ve been tied to a desk for six weeks following Steve’s resignation. This means the Initiative is down to three active members: yourself, Bruce, and Thor. I’m hearing noise that SHIELD is looking to replace Barton, but snipers of his quality are few and far between.

On the bright side, this means I can fully monitor Steve's work in South America. I'd been hoping they'd suspend me completely so I could go down there, but that's not going to work out. Clint, on the other hand, will be off the DL in three weeks and is planning on submitting his resignation immediately upon return (milking SHIELD for that last injured pay) I'm hoping that we can time things to get him down there before Steve's finished scouting. So that gives us two men in the field. I have a third in the area I can tap in if we need him.

I'm concerned about our coverage here at home. Thor is going to Egypt to see if we can track down the means to destroy this helmet; the Egyptian leg of this expedition seems much too dangerous to send anyone else along. If an emergency comes up, we have you and Bruce-- Bruce is willing to transform for any non-combat missions, and says that he'll consider combat on a case-by-case basis. We can recall Thor in a pinch, but I'm still concerned we're spreading ourselves thin. I contacted Fury and he says he'll work on it. Discreetly. Thor has offered the services of Knut the Viking Chieftain, but, as with everything Thor says, I am 65% certain that was a joke. He informed me that she requires five more kills to be vested as a true warrior. 

Bruce says Steve's serum readings are nearing levels consistent to what they were pre-attack. He estimates that 48 hours after Steve lands in Lima, he'll be firing on all cylinders. And certainly eating healthier, as we've stocked him up with protein and he'll be without an entire truck of ice cream at his disposal.

I assume Steve explained that we agreed to manage this operation as if it were a test run for the privatized group, as long as you're in. That means we take the roles we discussed; you make organizational calls, I head communications, you and I share Operations, Steve is field commander (of course, at the moment, he has a field unit of one). Steve and Thor are both responsible for regular field reports, and Clint will be, too, once he's gone.

When are you free to go over everything in more detail? Let's set an appointment for sometime this evening.

Please let me know what I can do for you-- as a partner or as a friend. If you need Ana to be more or less visible, just give me instructions. I know what it’s like to have someone you love be far away and to be afraid for their safety, but I also have faith in Steve-- in his resilience, if not always his ability to separate emotional and logical responses. 

Steve left us at the airport with instructions to look after you. If you would like to visit with me or Bruce, our door is always open. 

\--N


	479. Space to Play

from: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
to:you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
subject: NYC

My precious little gumdrop,

You're like a drug, Tony, a goddamn drug. I can feel your hands all over me, and you should see what you did to my back. Don't think I don't remember that little game you used to play, the one where you would 'forget' to trim your nails. 

Why the fuck did we ever stop? I can't stop thinking about you. California was everything I've ever needed. Tell me when I can see you again. 

I've seen a couple items in the news (not my news) linking our companies...we might want to take advantage of that. Lots of space to play.

I programmed your security code back in at my place. Same one as always. Hit me up.

\--T


	480. I'll be doubly careful

T--

I landed safely in Lima. I’ll be sending you some mail via post; I hope it doesn’t take too long to get there. 

The geography is incredible; the city is wedged tightly between mountains and a sheer cliff. The air is dry; there isn’t a lot of vegetation. The last, lingering signs of asthma are clearing up, but I noticed them more acutely when I got off the plane than I had when I boarded. (Don't worry. Natasha sent me along with more oxygen than I'll ever use)

The buildings are all so small here-- not many above three stories; it’s...it seems stunted, compared to New York. Lima is a brutally poor city. The center of the city is beautiful, but once you get out among the edges it turns into a sprawl of slums, housing put up in any nook or cranny it can fit. The tiny cottages and shacks fit together like a rainbow patchwork against the backdrop of the hill, uncannily beautiful from a distance.

I found myself a tiny room in the Barranco, in a tiny orange house owned by an even tinier old lady who won't let me help her with the housekeeping no matter what I say. It's been easy enough to disappear, six-three and blond and all. People are friendly to a tourist, and I don't think I've been recognized. I think most people look at the uniform and not my face, so out of context, there's too much difference for them to realize I'm the same man. A hat and a pair of glasses seem to be taking care of the rest.

I miss you terribly, and there hasn’t been a minute that I haven’t had second thoughts about telling you to stay home, even though I know this is for the best. I can still smell you on my clothes; my fingers keep finding the edge of my dog tag, nearly pressing it, just to hear the sound of your voice again. 

I'm sorry you didn't come to the airport. I'm sorry I was so cross with you. I'm sorry I couldn't find the right words to make this better before I left. It's not how I wanted things to go, not at all. Please know that this is killing me, too. You mean too much to me for me to ever intentionally hurt you.

Listen-- mobile service out here is not as consistent as I would like. I'm going to start scouting, see what I can figure out about the lay of the land, collect some intel on the mine-- if the mine is the correct target-- but I'm not sure I'm going to have communications in the jungle. Can we do something about that? I'll be doubly careful in the meantime. 

I love you. I miss you. Give Moose a hug for me.

\--S


	481. Most Glorious and Fortuitous

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  


Subject: A Most Glorious and Fortuitous Proclamation 

My most Trusted Friends and Allies,

It is with a Happy Heart that I share with you this News most Glorious in the wake of our recent Hardship.

The Truth has come at last - my Feline Companion Knut the Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinson has proven Itself beyond a Doubt to be a Female. Furthermore, it has come to Pass that she is with Childe!!!

My Dear Jane informs me that the Gestation Period of a Midgardian Feline is between 58 and 65 of your Solar Cycles. She Bravely carries 3 – 5 Kittens in her Y-Shaped Uterine cavity.

My Jane and I are most pleased that our Family continues to Grow. Knut the Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinson is at Present in my Chambers and taking both Visitors and Gifts. Should you be Desirous of Fertility, rub her expanding Belly and partake in her Joy!

As I shall be Away exploring the Realms of the Nile and Lady Jane is Appealing to several Academic Boards in the Northwest, I would appreciate much Kind Consideration of her Delicate condition. While the Lady Darcy has offered to Feed and Bathe her Regularly, she may call upon the Avengers to help with any more Sensitive Needs. I know that you, my Most Beloved Comrades in Arms, will not Disappoint on this front. 

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [a wild 1796 Thorfic has appeared! it is full of rain, tea, and feels. You have been warned. :)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1769881)


	482. T-bone

From: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: In the News 

Hey, T-Bone, have you seen this little ditty? Is it true we’ve got something working with Viastone? Cause I’ll be honest – that dude got real handsy at dinner, and I know I was sitting in his lap but I made it pretty obvious that I was joking because he took my fucking seat.

Everything okay? Have you heard from the boy? You know he's good at this crazy guerilla mission type thing, right? Like, that's what he got famous for and everything.

Sorry I haven't been super chipper. Still trying to figure out this whole breakup thing with Clint.

Take care of yourself, okay? LMK if there's anything you need outside the bounds of usual PA shit.

Becky

**New Project in the Pipes for some-time rivals Stark Industries and Viastone?**

This weekend in sunny Los Angeles, sometime superhero Tony Stark was spotted repeatedly – in the company of another tall, attractive blonde. While the lovely Anamarina was nowhere to be seen, Tony Stark and long-time frenemy Tiberius Stone were seen wining, dining, and generally taking Los Angeles by storm.

Stark recently resumed the role of CEO at Stark Industries, allowing his former live-in girlfriend-turned corporate lynchpin a chance to take a little sabbatical. 

The whirlwind tour of LA’s finest establishments concluded with a Sunday evening visit to one of Mr. Stark’s facilities, the dynamic duo leaving some seven hours later, nothing but smiles for the cameras waiting beyond their gates.

When asked to comment on what exactly Stark Industries has up its sleeve, Tony Stark declined to comment. Mr. Stone, however, was happy to share his feelings on the matter.

"Viastone has one hundred and fifty media outlets across the country; of course we want to get on board the Stark train. It's an obvious benefit to our bottom line to be investing in green energy right now, regardless of what those assholes at Roxxon have been saying. If there's one man I'd want to get in bed with, it's Tony Stark. Ha, but you've known that for ages." 

What does the future have in store for these corporate titans? Only time will tell!


	483. Breaking down walls

Steve,

The numbers you sent me aren’t ideal, but they aren’t terribly low, either. I’m not sure what could be causing the drop in your readings. Are you eating as we discussed? As Lima is at sea level I strongly recommend saving your oxygen until you’re at altitude. I’d also avoid shellfish and the ceviche until you stabilize… no reason to test your gut unnecessarily when you might still be susceptible to infection.

It’s also possible that stress levels are affecting your body’s physical responses. I certainly know how difficult it is to keep your cool when elements of your personal life are problematic… but try not to let concerns about Hydra – or anything back home – overwhelm you. You need plenty of sleep and at least a few more days of limited physical activities (no breaking down walls) to make sure your body is fully recovered.

Did you receive Thor’s e-mail about the cat? He has decided that he is an uncle (most fortunate, most glorious, most beloved, etc etc), and roped all of us into toasting the health of the incoming kittens last night. Clint is thoroughly grumpy about the prospect of more cats around the house, but Natasha is secretly pleased. I’ve been tapped as the on-call/unofficial team veterinarian, so it looks like I'll be adding kitten delivery to my resume sometime in May. (I may ask Tony for some animal-specific equipment... he'd likely say yes, for Moose's sake if not Knut's. The first set of tests I ran on Ms Knut came back really whacky…readings all over the charts. It seems like you and her have something in common.)

My take on the radiation readings you sent from the areas surrounding the mine honestly don’t look too suspicious – there are a few spikes, but that could be a result of residual slag left over from stone and metal processing. Unfortunately, I think you’re gonna have to get closer for any kind of conclusive reading.

Be careful, Steve.

Bruce


	484. el Puente de los Suspiros

Tony,

There's a bridge in the Barranco called el Puente de los Suspiros, which means the Bridge of Sighs. 

There's a Bridge of Sighs in Venice, too, but the one in Venice is called that because it's the bridge that led to the prison. It's stone, tiny, enclosed, claustrophobic, with windows cut into the stone that allow taunting looks at the outside world. We were there in 1943 to escort a group of refugees out of the city; I remember Bucky joking about how it was likely the only time someone had crossed that bridge to freedom. 

This one couldn't be more different; it's made of wood, open to the air, long and slender. The sky is full and blue overhead and there's a walkway below it that lead to the shoreline, benches, manicured shrubbery, cactii. The bridge creaks softly underfoot; it's the bridge itself that does the sighing. 

I headed down to the beach today. The walkway leads down the cliffside to the shoreline, and there's a boardwalk and a stone jetty, that I climbed out on. I thought about you, back in New York, the fact that we're not even looking at the same ocean anymore.

I miss you. 

I had hiked out toward the mine, but the radiation readings I'm getting from here are inconclusive. Banner says I need to get closer if we're going to get anything useful, but I think I need to get a better lay of the land before I risk getting too close. 

Tony, can you please just let me know that these emails are getting through? Natasha and Banner have both responded to my communications, but if there's a technical difficulty, I'd like to know about it. 

It's alright if you're still angry. I know you said you might need space. If you don't want me to write, just tell me so. But I do need to make sure our systems are in place.

I love you. 

Steve


	485. I’ll buy you a drink.

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: RE: In the News

What are you up to tonight? I need a little advice. Let me know if you’re free, I’ll buy you a drink.

T


	486. Clinkies First

**{STARKPAD INTERNAL AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 111 READE ST, NEW YORK, 10013]

{{Saving to partition...}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So this is… this is your bar? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, this is my bar; I’ve been kind of coming here for like three years.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a nice bar. I like … the light. Thingies. Candles, I mean.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, the light-thingies-candles are really useful for burning douchey guys’ business cards. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Man, that used to happen to me _all the time._

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Were you the burner or the burnee?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Both. I did hit on the occasional douchebag back in the day, I have to say. My taste in men has significantly improved.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Douchebags to guys with messiah complexes, yeah.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Douchebags to Accidental Douchebags. With messiah complexes. Maybe not so much as I thought.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, there aren’t that many people who are douchebags on purpose.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You wouldn’t think that had you seen my MIT graduating class.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, you were in it, so that tells me something already. 

[smooch]

 **UKNOWN.Unknown:** Is that… [muttered]

[whispering in crowd]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh] 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Take a seat. What do you like? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not-vodka. Not sweet. Not pink. Something manly, yet mind-numbing.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Hahaha, okay. I’m gonna get you something that’ll put hair on the hair on your chest. Just a sec. 

[footsteps]

[chatting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [beeping, typing]

 **UKNOWN.Unknown:** [camera flashes]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [legs scraping] Come on now, that’s just rude. If you want a photo, come up here and we’ll do a selfie. 

**UKNOWN.Unknown:** Oh my -- oh my god, sorry, Tony, I -- can we really take a selfie? Oh my god, Meghan, come over here…

[cameras flashing]

Are you with a date? Oh my god is that your new girlfriend are you … [indistinct chatter]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [indistinct talking, crowd noise] ...later, yeah, no, you’re too kind. Later, ladies.

[stool scraping]

[sigh]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Heyyyyy Mister Famous.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Heya, sweetcheeks. Fair warning, page six will probably accuse you of being my new lady love.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What, do you want me to sit in your lap or something? [snort] Don’t worry. The bar’s good about that kind of shit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll let them handle it if it becomes an issue. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** They will. They’ll kick people out for you. Try these. You can take whichever one you want. Uh. This one’s a little spicier, whiskey, Averna…the other one’s got gin and yellow Chartreuse.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, door number one. Thanks.

[glass clinking]

Cheers, I guess.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You have to look me in the eye when you do that. Otherwise, you get seven years of bad sex.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What?! Impossible. I’m Tony Fucking Stark. I don’t believe in bad sex.

But just in case, give me a re-do.

[clinking]

Better?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Muuuuch better. No bad sex. Cheers. 

[sipping]

Ugh. So. How are you doing, T-cakes?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… not so great, Becca-boo. There’s something I need to tell you.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeeeeah. You look kind of…like a broken down Winnebago. 

[patting] 

What’s up? Is Steve okay?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He left me.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Left you…like _dumped_ you, left you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallows]

Yeah.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Shit. Hey. Uh. Why? Did he say why? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He didn’t want me to worry about him. That he couldn’t be with me _and_ punch Nazis. He told me he loved me, but that he couldn’t do it.

I don’t think he’s planning to come home.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence] 

[sipping] 

Clint kind of did the same thing. Minus the, you know, crazy I’m going to storm South America in the name of freedom thing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I thought maybe, you know, solidarity drinks were in order.

Are you and Clint … talking?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. Uh. We’re actually kind of still fucking? I think. A couple times?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, us too! He dumped me and pulled this fucking ridiculous “I never get to say goodbye” routine where he cooked me dinner and fucked me twice, then left me for South America.

I hate everything.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Really? 

[sigh]

 _Really_? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come on. The “I love you but I’m denying myself everything I really want” shtick is totally a Steve thing.

[head thumping on table]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okay. Okay. I can...kind of see Steve doing that, right before he sells his organs to orphans in India or something.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [Steve Rogers voice] _“But Becky! They’ll regrow, it’s really no trouble! Can I have another towel, I’d hate to bleed on the reclaimed bullshit barnwood floors and inconvenience the cleaning staff.”_

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laughter] [Steve Rogers voice] _”I’ve been collecting my toenail clippings to sell to raise money for a school for the blind. By the way, I can’t afford shampoo.”_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [Steve Rogers voice] _“I’m Steve Rogers, I’m going to let you pay for my room and board and 40% of my paycheck and fund my South American expedition and squeeze in supervillain surveillance in between being an inventor, SHIELD consultant and high-dollar CEO, but I flip the fuck out when you offer to buy me new shoes because I don’t want to owe you anything Icantakecareofmyself!”_

Hmm. That one was significantly bitchier. Sorry. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, it sounds about right. He wouldn’t even let me buy him coffee. At first I thought it was a _chivalry_ thing and I was totally going to go all feminism on his ass until I realized it was a pride thing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Still. This one hurt. I’m feeling pretty preteen-girlish about it. I really...

[sips]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, no, I kinda know how you feel. I mean, Clint and I were kind of mutually miserable, and I kind of know it was the right decision, but…ugh. I don’t want it to be over; I want to tell him—

[sniff]

That just doesn’t sound like a Steve thing. I mean, he’s a dumbass but not an asshole.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. He dumped me and asked me feed him relevant information while he’s on a suicidal sprint through South America. I’m good enough to be his eyes and ears but not to be his boyfriend? I don’t fucking know. I brought up Bucky. Never bring up Bucky.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Bucky? Who the hell’s Bucky?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A childhood friend killed in action during the war. He never talks about him. But - the only reason he’s doing this machismo-gotta-go-it-alone bullshit is that he’s afraid of leading someone else into danger and getting them killed.

It wasn’t his fault. He makes everything his fault.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Except the things that are actually his fault, which he’ll deny to the ends of the earth.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Except those things. And he refuses to listen to sage advice but dispenses it constantly. I have no fucking idea how he manages to operate with all those idiosyncrasies crowding inside his brain. And that’s coming from _me_.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, he’s kind of…I don’t know. Shitty at breakups. He cooked me dinner, gave me ridiculous collector’s edition Japanese Pez and told me he was in love with someone else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry about that. I honestly didn’t know. Or ask him to do that.

[ice clinking]

Is there some tiny part of you cackling with karmic glee?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What?! No, why would I do that? I love both of you guys; this is awful. 

[sipping]

And seriously, Tony, it’s okay. I know you had nothing to do with it. I mean, maaaaybe if you hadn’t gone to Japan, he wouldn’t have decided he needed to date some damsel in distress, and _my_ life wouldn’t have gotten fucked for a month, but honestly, the dating him was the fucked part, not the breakup.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He acts like he’s been so fucking clear and then gets confused when the people around him don’t understand what he means. It’s so fucking irritating.

[ice clinking]

It just seemed so -- out of the blue. I thought we were -- For once I had my shit together and things were ….

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, so did I. And I figured things weren’t going to change for while.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry. I thought you two were really good for each other. I know he made you happy. And… I’ll understand if you don’t want to continue on as PA. It doesn’t necessitate working with him, but as long as I’m living in the Westbury property...

I’m thinking about moving back to the tower, though. Let Steve take the house if he comes back, he spends more time there anyway.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah? I...look, the PA thing, I have to think about it, but it’s not going to be about Clint or no Clint. I love the job, Tony. I’m just not sure about the whole proximity to superheroes thing. All those stories about Lois Lane seem like they’re true.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… it wasn’t easy seeing Steve like that. And between Rachel and the gallery fire.. getting to know us has really fucked up your world. So, yeah. Whatever you want to do, I get. But if you do leave, you’ll always have a direct line. You’ll be fantastic, wherever you choose to apply your talents.

Another round? And no more Steve-talk. I fully recognize how sad-and-inappropriate it is to bitch about him to his ex and my employee, but who else am I gonna call up? Pepper?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Heh. Hey, Tony. It’s not a problem. We have a _lot_ more in common than either of us has with Steve, anyway.

[gulp]

[glass against table]

[lips smacking]

Yeah. I’m getting us shots. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Good girl.

[typing]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [footsteps]

[clinking]

Here. That’s fucking eighteen-year Yamazaki. Mikey said he’ll give us some bottles to kill if we want.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Perfect. Tell him the drinks are on me.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, yeah, I gave him your card when I got here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I mean _all_ the drinks. Nobody goes home sober.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laugh] Tooooony. Okay. Riiiight. 

[footsteps receding and returning]

[chair scraping]

Right, so.

[clink]

Bottoms up.

[gulp]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know Clint really cares about you. He was happier dating you than he’d been since we met.

I really thought you’d quit. Fucking throw in the towel, leave all of this bullshit, go back to being a normal person with a normal life.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I…yeah. I was sort of…I’ve been thinking about it, Tony, not gonna lie. I just…after everything with Steve…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ... It’s been a fucking miserable week. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tell me about it. So. Uh. Yeah, maybe we should…talk about work? I don’t know what to do. I—this superhero shit is kind of too much for me, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It takes some getting used to. And it’s not for everyone. I’d understand if you wanted to leave; you’re fucking fantastic at your job, though, so if there’s something I can do to make it more tolerable, tell me.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Is there anything you can do? I mean, the problem’s not the job; you know I love working for you. I just...I don’t wanna have to stab people. Being your PA is just as dangerous as being Hawkeye’s girlfriend.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That isn’t necessarily true. Well. I don’t know if it’s true, since I keep fucking my PAs….

[shot glass tapping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Hey, at least _your_ assistants don’t turn out to be supervillains.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, I actually thought Nat was a villain for a few weeks – before she set me up for a donut-fueled pow-wow with Nick Fury. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Whoa, did you fuck Nat?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, no! But, you know, Pepper. And the three girls before Pepper. And two interns. And a massage therapist or two. Hm.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Aaaand that dude from Marketing who always gives me dirty looks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Which one?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ha. Exaaaaactly.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [throat clearing]

Take your time. I’d offer you a sabbatical, but, yeah. Kind of running out of options. You should probably stop spending time at the Westbury house, though. That’s explicitly Avengers property. Or at least, you shouldn’t be seen entering or exiting.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, my cloak of invisibility is pretty sweet. 

[sigh] 

I’ve gotta replace Ray, too. And I just fucking got her trained! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s how it always goes. More shots. More. Hang on.

[footsteps receding and returning]

[glass on table, chair leg scraping]

Your boys are fast. Dollar signs in their eyes...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Thanks-- haha, no, they’re always that good. Even when you’re broke.

[clink, gulp] 

The worst part is she actually, like, learned the job. Like she was actually interested in it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe she was

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Worked late, asked questions-- What? Like, in case the supervillainy racket runs out, go into the lucrative world of art gallery management?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ostensibly even the craziest of fuckers has independent interests… look at Steve. 

Then again, maybe she was just a really incredible actor. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I don’t know. I don’t know. I mean, she was super nice. I hung out with her! I got drunk with her! She let Steve talk her ear off about shit she didn’t give a shit about. She had actual friends she hung out with! Steve doesn’t have those. No offense. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No friends he hasn’t “fallen in love with”, apparently.

You met her friends -- ? Jesus, Becky, they could have been anyone. Were they suspicious at all? Should I -- should I take their names? Fuck, we should question them.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You met her friends! Well, like, you met Merrie, at the party? Merrie’s the one who introduced me to her. And, like...I mean, I didn’t meet the dudes she dated or anything but I had lunch with Tanya and Cleo a couple times. They were super cool. They seemed...normal?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you ever see Merrie again, after the gallery fire?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, of course, at her studio up in the Bronx; we had to assess the damage and stuff. I haven’t talked to her in a couple weeks, but that’s normal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s entirely possible this was all a set-up. You see that, right? It’s not the cocktails talking. I need every scrap of information you have on any of Rachel’s contacts. I’ll have Nat do her facebook-stalking-on-steroids thing on them, maybe it’ll turn something up.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] Uh. Yeah. Sure. I have all the details on Merrie and...whatever I remember? I don’t, like, have contact info for these people; they weren’t really my friends or anything, just…like, we had lunch and stuff.

[sucking sound] 

Yeah. I’ll get it for you. You could go to Merrie’s studio, maybe? It’s up in the Bronx. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

It’s gonna take more than the attempted murder of my dickheaded ex to drag me to the Bronx.

Want me to throw Clint at it?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Throw him at it? Like, bodily, or are you going to give him a job? He told me about the whole...you know. Maybe-working-for-you-privately thing. 

[silence]

Tony. You know Steve’s still Steve, right? He does these stupid things, but dickheaded ex? Really? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

[glass clinking, liquid sloshing]

Sorry. I know. He’s not… I just can’t believe he went and… I don’t know. I miss everything about him. Even his dickheadedness.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, it’s one of his best qualities. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m fucking ridiculously in love with him. I can’t parse it. Nothing makes sense without him here to ground it, it’s all...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] You’re gonna hate me for saying this, but...it was only, like, three months, wasn’t it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

That… it doesn’t sound like that long, when you say it that way. I get it. It sounds fucking crazy.

I just, I thought for once, finally, he was _it_.

[sigh, clinking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. I guess I know how you feel. 

[laugh]

You know, in spite of the superheroing and assassinations and shit, I think Clint might be the first sane guy I’ve dated.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You have terrible taste in men.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, you’re whining about the last one I dated, so what does that say about you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing good, you smug bitch. If Clint left the business, would you try it again?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** In a second. I mean. If he left and didn’t get chased down by crazies. I...he’s a good guy. It’s got nothing to do with him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah.

Hey, you know, if you can recall where you met with Rachel and Merrie’s friends, and on what dates, I can try to hack some security film reservoirs. Might turn something up.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh. Yeah, I can do that. We were at Chelsea Markets on, like, one day the first week of January? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. I’m plugging this into JARVIS, he can start sweeping crowd shots for your face. Lunch, right?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, we met up around one? Sometime in there.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [typing] Great. See? You’re brilliant. As brilliant as you are gorgeous. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Because I remember lunch dates? Ha. Says the sexiest super genius alive who builds computers with personalities.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m absolutely equipped to appreciate mastery. There are different kinds of genius, Becky. The world takes all kinds. Steve is incredible with a pencil, you take artwork and bring it to life...

Is that a new ring?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, uh. Kind of. I kind of did massive retail therapy after last week. You like it? It’s all sparkly, see? IT CHANGES COLORS. 

[silence] 

I need another drink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You bought a mood ring?! Really? It’s gorgeous, in a sexy 1990’s kind of way.

More of the same? Mix it up?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, it’s not a mood ring, dumbass, it’s just...reflect-y. Cocktail, please. Something juicy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stay right there. My dumb ass will refill that empty glass.

[footsteps receding and returning]

[muffled conversation]

[glass on table, chair leg scraping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Thanks. This. Uh. What on earth did you-- you got them to paint Iron Man in the egg whites. 

Is that _angostura_?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I’ve been experimenting with them since Joel Heffernan included it in the world’s most expensive cocktail. 

I wonder if Ty’s tried that, hmm…

[typing]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You’re TEXTING TY? Tony, that’s it. I’m taking your phone away. 

Hand it over. Now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? No! Hey!

[tussling, phone beeping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laughter]

JESUS ARE THESE-- TONY WHY ARE YOU SEXTING TY? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Have you SEEN Ty? Would you not?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh, yes, because he’s an insane douchebag who-- oh, for goodness’ sake, seriously? He’s wearing _Captain America underpants_. 

That is why I would not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a running joke. He has no idea about Steve.

Look - Ty and I go way back. You know, if you got an itch and need someone to scratch it, he’s the friend you call up.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You have way nicer friends than that, Tony. 

[typing] 

Probably ones who are better at scratching.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking] You say that - but I’ve been suffering a dearth of volunteers, Quan.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oooh, last names. Chilly, Stark. There. I told him you were otherwise occupied tonight. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I like the sound of that… hah! He’ll be so pissed. He hates not getting what he wants.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, well, I’m holding onto your phone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \--what?? Fucking cruel!

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [rustling] 

It’s tough love, Tones. [smooch] 

Are we going to drink these artistic masterpieces? This should, uh...probably be the last one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let me taste yours.

[rustling]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sure. Clinkies first, though.

[clink] 

Oooh, eye contact. Good job.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m learning, sweetheart.

Mmm. Pretty tasty.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yep, what do you know? Iron Man’s delicious. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could have told you that. Here, you have a little egg cream on your lip, let me…

…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ha. Haha..Tony? What are you...doing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Taking care of you.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’m not six. I can wipe my own mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry. I enjoy your lips, sometimes. 

[ice clinking]

You’re very good to me. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] 

I thought this was a… _solidarity_ thing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It is. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Liiiike… _platonic_ solidarity thing…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** My definition of platonic is… loose, apparently. Steve used to… yeah. Loose. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, uh, what’s your definition of platonic, exactly? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...not actively fucking?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** ...So...you know you’re my boss, right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know I’m your boss. And you know I’m your boss. 

I invited you here because you’re the only other person I happen to know who’s dated Steve, and I knew you were dealing with shit, too. And then I started noticing the things about you he must have noticed.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] Um. Yeah? Like what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re -- unflappable. This solid, capable, irresistibly warm, gorgeous sort of person. You’re in the same position as I am, and yet here you are, allowing yourself to be leaned on.

Not slapping your handsy boss when he does things like this.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** When you... Ah...crap. Your fingers. That feels, like...crazy good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I’ve always been good with my hands.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ha, ha, very ha. Do I slap you for the eyebrow wag? Or am I going to keep being nice? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You wouldn’t slap me. Your one of the few house guests who hasn’t blackened my eye yet.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, well, then, apparently you have something to look forward to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hahaha! Even your eyebrows are amazing. What a woman.

[smooching]

Another?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Another drink or another kiss? I’m not finished with my drink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Honestly, Becky, I’d love another kiss. But not here; not if you’re worried about your safety.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] Right. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ll swap hands, though. At least you can say you got a hand massage from Time Magazine’s Two Time Sexiest Man Alive Award Winner.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence] 

Fuck. 

Um. 

Yeah, here. I...Tony, I really shouldn’t have another drink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. Give me two shakes.

[footsteps receding and returning]

Here. Good old dihydrogen monoxide.

[glass on table, chair leg scraping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Thanks, you’re…

[sips]

Yeah, here, um...I’ll just slide into the booth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...yeah…

[clinking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I just...I’ve gotta ask, is this one of those we-never-talk-about-this-again-because-we’re-both-wasted things? Or…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was thinking more like mutually-assured enjoyment here and there, if it’s something you want. If not, you can harass me about it later and I’ll be appropriately apologetic and/or shameless about it. I mean - I’m not getting no-god-no vibes here. If no-god-no is the intent, let me know. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, no, like--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? ‘cause… I’m generally into 100% grade-A enthusiastic “oh god don’t stop” consent, really.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I think we’re on the same page as far as that’s concerned. It’s more...I’ve gotta ask it things are going to get weird, because you’re my boss, and I kind of like working for you enough that if it’s gonna be a problem, I’d rather work for you than fuck you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me. 

[cough]

The working for me bit, not the fucking bit. 

[chuckles]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I _know_ you’re a good boss. I only have twitter rumors, from, like, two-thousand-nine to know what you’re like in bed. Oh. And those Yelp reviews. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They’re all good though, right? Pep assured me I had a 4.8 star rating. The .2 percent obviously being sour grapes.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sterling. You want me to put together a file for you, Boss? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have a feeling I know what they reference, Rebeccakes.

No pressure. Really. 

[smooch]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I thought it was dangerous to kiss in public. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know how I feel about danger.

[inaudible]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Fuck, Tony. 

[inaudible] 

Finish your drink before I change my mind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

[swallowing]

[inaudible] 

I’ll close the tab?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. Um. 

[inaudible] 

Do that. And have your phone back. But if I'm going home with you, no texting douchey telecom CEOs.

I’m gonna. Uh. Powder my nose. 

[chair scraping]

[footsteps]

{{Saving…}}  



	487. Who the fuck is Carol?

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 111 READE ST, NEW YORK, 10013]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[ringing]

[ringing ringing ringing]

**STARK.Anthony.E:** RHODEY. RHODEY. ANSWER THE PHONE. Rhooooo-deeeeey....

**RHODES.James.R.:** _mmmmffff...Tony, so help you god…_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ohthankgod

**RHODES.James.R.:** _this had better be an emergency…_

**UNKNOWN.Unknown:** _[muffled grumbling]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It is, it is, Rhodey. Rhodey. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** _What? I’m up...I’m…_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Rhodey.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _[crashing, stumbling]_

**UNKNOWN.Unknown:** _[muffled swearing]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** it's really an emergency, a serious personal crisis, I need to know if if's ethical to fire my PA so that I can sleep with her. Is -- is that, that's a thing, right?

**RHODES.James.R.:** _Did you just--_

**UNKNOWN.Unknown:** _[muffled] Did he just--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I need to know, okay? 

**RHODES.James.R.:** _You did not fucking--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** She also fucked my boyfriend. Ex. Boyfriend. And sort of slept with another teammate? So… so I’m thinking maybe it’s a loaded scenario. Loaded. In a bad way.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _TONY YOU WOKE US UP TO ASK IF YOU CAN--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** US? What, us? Fuck off, you and your high fucking horse--

**RHODES.James.R.:** _The phone is by the bed! Remember how we decided if you ever needed to call me about whether or not to hook up with someone it is automatically proven to be a terrible idea? Because we decided that. On your twenty-first birthday._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That doesn't count, it was Ty, and you're horribly biased about Ty.

Sorry if I woke up your fucking hookup but this is a SERIOUS QUESTION. SERIOUS.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _Did you just call Carol my ‘hookup?’ Are you--_

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _[muffled] He’s not even-- Hang up the phone. Jim. Just hang up the--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t give a fuck if you hang up on me, but answer the question, because seriously, I need to know if this violates the bro code or what, I was... I was banging one bro, but now it's another, so--

**RHODES.James.R.:** _Tony, it’s three in the morning, Carol has to be up at five. We’re going back to bed._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Who the fuck is Carol?

**RHODES.James.R.:** _My **wife**? Tony, you’re shitfaced. Go home. Go to bed._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Shark, you are DRUNK. GO HOME.

No. No, don’t go home. RHODEY. When did you get married? Did - did you get married _without me??_

**RHODES.James.R.:** _For fuck’s sake, you were my best man. You gave a speech. A drunk speech. **Three years ago**. Tony, we have to go to bed. Don’t sleep with any assistants._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I -- no, no, don’t hang up, I need you. So you’re saying this is a yes? Green light, yes? Give me a color. You know how I feel about safewords.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _NO, TONY. RED. RED LIGHT BAD IDEA. Don’t. Don’t don’t don’t don’t. I am safewording the shit out of this scenario. Can’t you--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m sorry, she’s just, she’s tiny and adorable and has these fascinating arms--

**RHODES.James.R.:** _\--hire a new therapist to keep on speed dial and what the hell is with you and people’s arms? It's **always** the arms._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t know, they’re just, I --

**RHODES.James.R.:** _I thought I was finally through hearing about **Steve's** arms..._

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _[muffled] Jim. The phone._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t-- so that’s a yes, yes definitely fire your PA so you can bang her and rehire her the next morning? I knew I could count on you, you’re the best fucking wingman. Even if you’re married, apparently, which is just -- is this why you never ogled my strippers?

**RHODES.James.R.:** _To-- no-- honey, do--_

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _Tony. This is Carol. Jim didn’t ogle your strippers because the fact that you had strippers on your airplane is **creepy as fuck** and no, no, no, no, no, if you even think about sleeping with your assistant, **I** will come sleep with your assistant and that will make a mess of things for everyone, won’t it?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** But if I fire her she won’t TECHNICALLY be my assistant. That’s a definite… legal…. gray area.

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _And then you won’t have an assistant._

**RHODES.James.R.:** _[muffled] remind him about the last time._

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _[grumbling] I don’t know why I put up with this shit. Remember what happened last time?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Threesomes? Is this the one with the -- no, maybe not…. wait which last time was this? 

RHODEY. I can rehire her tomorrow. It’ll be great.

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _IF YOU DIDN’T NOTICE, THIS ISN’T RHODEY._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I-- oh, Carol!! Hi, Carol, hey gorgeous, you know I miss you, right? Say, Carol, ask Rhodey if I -- 

**UNKNOWN.Carol:** _[groan] Take. Him. Back. I’m going to sleep. If you want to carry on with this bullshit, you can do it downstairs._

**RHODES.James.R.:** _Tony. Don’t fire your se-- assistant. Don’t sleep with your assistant. Besides the creepy boss-employee thing, isn't she dating Hawkeye? Just... no. Say no._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** “se-”? Sexistant? Why-- I need one of those.

They broke up. Do you think he'd care? I don't feel like -- I mean, okay, maybe he'd care.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _Yeah, you getting a live-in hooker would solve about seventy-five percent of my problems. Go to bed._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay. Okay. I will.

Rhodey.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _...What?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I love you, man.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _You only say that when you’ve been mixing gin and whiskey. Good night. Feel better._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Mean. Very mean. You’re always so mean.

I feel great.

**RHODES.James.R.:** _That was pre-emptive for the morning. What do you want? I love you, too. Now scoot._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay. Okay. Goodnight. Goodnight, Carol. Goodnight -- 

[click]

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, fuck.

{{saving…}}


	488. Ten Dollars

T--

Still in Lima. Poring through Howard's notes; it's a lot easier to make informed decisions when I can see the actual geography, the actual lay of the land, understand what he was writing about. You should read these, Tony. He talks about your mother, at length. He talks about Peggy, too ~~, and it's twisting my heart in a knot to~~.

There are streets full of little shopping booths; I strolled down one today where little old ladies were making dolls. They had fabric printed with different designs, designs of cartoon characters, mostly superheroes, and little dogs holding hearts. They stuffed them and stitched them together by hand, sold them right there, as they made them. People would walk down the street, buy the little dogs with hearts for their sweethearts, buy the cartoon characters for kids.

I found a booth where a lady was making Captain America dolls. I asked her how much-- she asked me for less than a dollar. Less than a dollar. I tried to give her a dollar, and she--she realized who I was; she shook her head, tried to press the doll into my hand, give it to me for free. 

We have so much, Tony. I see these people with so little, and think about food we've wasted, toys I've bought without a second thought, those stupid plastic action figures I took photos of while you were in Japan, that I just bought without a second thought. Clothes. I own eleven pairs of shoes. Well. Thirteen with the boots and the water shoes you outfitted me with for this trip. I don't need thirteen pairs of shoes. 

I gave her ten dollars and left before she could refuse it, just put it down on her table, took the doll. 

I'm sitting here at a cafe, this gorgeous cafe in this old Spanish Colonial building, on a bright, open balcony overlooking the street, staring at a little fabric-and-stuffing recreation of myself, wondering who printed the fabric, wondering about the lady who sewed it. And then I wondered if it was all right for me to do that, to look at her and think, this lady needs ten dollars more than I do, and force her to take it. I started wondering if maybe what I felt when I did that might be what you feel when you try to give things to people you care about, because she seemed so certain that she didn't need it, and I felt so certain that she did, that it could make things better for her. And then I keep telling myself that it's not the same, that ten dollars isn't college tuition, isn't a motorcycle, isn't-- but how do I know what it is, to her? I don't know if I'm being a hypocrite, Tony.

When I get home, I'd like to talk to you about taking more control over my image as a licensing property-- is there a way I can sidestep these exclusive deals with big-name brands in favor of licensing to smaller craftspeople directly? Of course I'd still want the bigger deals, but I think this is important. And finding the right way to use the licensing revenue...I think I could be doing a lot more good than blindly donating it. 

We can talk. 

A hundred times a day, there are things I want to say to you. Please write. Even if it's just a line. I miss you. I love you. Just let me know everything's okay.

Look who is helping me write your letters:

\--S


	489. Slept her way through the Avengers

Hey, Clintosaurus--

Thank you so much for coming to get me last night. I don’t know what I was thinking. I got really wasted really fast, and Tony was so, like, I don’t know, it was this weird mix of sad and really flirty and then for a minute I think I was actually thinking, okay, can you or can you not pity fuck your boss? What if your boss is one of those sexy older dudes who is an amazing kisser? ETHICS. What are they, I don't. And when I realized I was actually sort of considering it, it was a WHOLE BASKET OF NO and I just had to reverse reverse reverse and I went and hid in the bathroom forever and texted you. And then when I got out of the bathroom, he was talking about red lights and green lights and how no one appreciates sexy arms.

Ugh, I'm sorry, I know I really shouldn't be laying all of this on you right now. It was just such a weird situation, and I'm super grateful you bailed me out like that, especially without warning. I didn't know who else to call, it was so late. I mean, I guess I know not to get drunk around Tony, now? Lesson learned?

So, yeah, thanks for the rescue. You totally swooped in like a hero, there; Tony didn’t even realize it wasn’t a coincidence. I hope you guys got home safe and Tony wasn’t too much trouble. 

Did you know Steve dumped him before he left? I just...I can’t figure that one out. Steve was totally smitten with him; I can't believe he would just dump him like that. It's probably more of his Captain America identity crisis bullshit, who knows. So, yeah, he was pretty out of his head about that. 

I hope it doesn’t make things awkward; I’m kinda afraid it will. I work for the guy, and I guess I'm going to have to say something to him about it at some point. I'm worried that it's going to make work SUPER WEIRD. But I really, really don’t want to be known as that girl who’s slept her way through the Avengers. Even if he IS reputedly a fantastic lay.

I'm sorry. I'm sure that was weird for you. But I really, really can't thank you enough for being there for me. I don't know what I would have done if I'd been stuck alone with him. Put him in a cab, I guess. But I'm a little scared I might have gone through with it, I was that drunk, and just...no.

I miss your stupid face. Can we hang out sometime this week? I just want to, like, give you a hug and see how you’re doing for real. I’ll buy dinner. I owe you one.

\--Becs


	490. Steve Rogers’ sloppy seconds

Bird Brain -

So, normally have my PA deal with this sort of thing (Pepper would have had your dry cleaning dun before throwing you out, but she's in Philly, tough luck there), so if this comes off as more ridiculous and/or offensive than your average morning-after e-mail, sorry. I figured this was one missive Becky shouldn’t have to send.

I am reasonably sure we were on the same page last night – I drank a shitton, dickishly propositioned your ex-girlfriend/my favorite staffer, then you turned up and took me off her hands in a magical coincidence of epic proportions. Then I proceeded to take you home (be taken home by you?), drag you into my $65,000 one-of-a-kind Iron Man themed bed and make with the sexy, sexy team bonding. Right?

If not, please ignore the following.

If so, please read the following:

What I can remember of last night was, while unexpected, pretty excellent. Thanks for not letting me do anything shitty or stupid with Becky, and thank you for... you know. Being a friend when I needed one, in the ways that I needed one. For being hilarious, fun, kind of kinky and yet totally not awkward about it. Thanks for... uh, being a lot more than who I thought you were half a year ago, i.e. the shithead who stole my leftovers and didn't give a crap about me personally.

I was in a bad place last night, and and I guess you must have been too. Becky's completely nuts for you and if you feel half as bad as I do about not being with someone you care about, you have my sympathies.

If you’re not totally creeped out by the fact that you keep scoring Steve Rogers’ sloppy seconds and/or just straight-up need company, let me know. I'd be...actually super okay with a repeat performance, assuming we talked about it first and make a FWB kind of thing. If not, we can also just like, watch shitty action movies and cry into the manliest drinks possible. I'd be pretty okay with that, too.

T

PS I suspect I really, really made an ass of myself in front of Becks. Any advice there? because seriously, I don't even know where my head was. She's a fantastic person and the best PA I've had since Pepper, I don't want her quitting because her dipshit boss has wandering hands.

p.p.s. Speaking of Becky, are you gonna tell her what happened? Let me know what needs to happen there.

p.p.p.s. the eye? Yeah. Definitely black.


	491. my majestic arms

Stark – 

It’s cool, man. I’ve seen how you look at my majestic arms, I figured it was only a matter of time. nad I wasn’t exactly going to say no to a time Magazine’s two time sexiest man alive winner attempting to climb me like a tree. 

(fun fact of the night – you know how many times you reminded me of that? THREE.)

So, yeah, no awkwardness on my end, it's all good. Do you remember the part where you were trying to booty-call your sociopathic ex-boyfriend by sexting him dirty photos of me with my hand down your pants? I’m just saying, I’d way rather you turn up in my room than at his place, Becky seems to think he’s two steps away from axe-murderer. 

speaking of, please don’t say anything to becks – I honestly don’t think she’ll be happy, but I also feel like... I don't know, she'll get it? maybe, maybe not, but that ones on me. I’m trying do the still-friends thing, and I don’t trust you not to put your foot in it. let me deal with telling her and we'll see what happens.

 

Anyway, I’m sorry to hear about you and Steve. Like actually honest to god sorry. when you two were on i thought you were pretty good for each other, much more so than I ever thought at first. He was stupid into you - I really couldn't believe he went there. you realize this is just another of his self-sacrificing put-the-happiness-of-anyone-else-out-there-before-my-own type moves? i mean Steve is notorious for denying himself what he wants the most. Once we take care of this shit in south america, he'll be back. Mark my words.

 

clint.

 

PS becky thinks you might be weird about making out with her in a bar booth. i know she likes working for you. do me a solid and make sure she’s comfortable with it, or at least know that it's not a big deal to you and you're not... i dunno, expecting more of it? 

PPS I ate your leftover chow-fun for breakfast. SMOOCHES


	492. I've been drunk

Tony--

Is everything okay? I'm honestly getting worried about the fact that I haven't heard from you, Tony. This isn't like you. This isn't about your responsibility to the team. I'm just worried about you. The last time you were out of touch like this was Japan.

I asked Natasha if you were okay and she told me that we had to settle our interpersonal issues for ourselves and she wasn't getting involved unless it affected the mission. What can I do? Do you want me to call? I don't want to use my tag without warning you in advance that it's not an emergency.

I think I found clear access to the mine-- at least clear enough that I can get the readings Banner needs to confirm the radiation. 

I've already mentioned this to Banner, but I wanted to write to you about it, too. Don't be alarmed. I just-- for the sake of full disclosure. 

I got a drink at one of the bars here. Don't laugh-- I feel like I should take the opportunity of being here to try the local specialties, and one of them is a liquor called pisco, which is distilled from wine. It's local to the region, although I understand there's a dispute between the Peruvians and the Chileans about where it was first made. 

Anyway, I thought I should at least taste it. I got myself a drink-- the bartender laughed at me when I asked for something fruity and sweet and asked me where my girlfriend was, but that's neither here nor there. It was actually delicious. I hope my girlfriend doesn't mind that I finished her drink. 

But I started getting…I don't know. This heady feeling I haven't experienced, well, since before the serum. Bucky was always trying to make me taste all kinds of drinks, told me they'd put hair on my chest, even if we both knew that wasn't true. I had the tolerance of a flea and rarely finished more than one drink. If I finished two drinks, I usually puked. I've been drunk. This wasn't drunk. This was…a little warm, a little less tense, a little bit of a buzzing sensation around my eyes. Not drunk. Nowhere near drunk. But certainly more the way I used to feel, before the war, after maybe half a drink. 

I'm not sure why this is happening. Everything else seems to be in good order, but it seems like an odd aberration. 

I'll keep forwarding the team any health-related observations. I don't want you to worry; it doesn't seem to be affecting my physical strength or stamina or speed at all. But I do want you to know.

Please write. I love you.

Steve


	493. The freaking Robin to his Batman

Rogers – 

Why do you keep e-mailing me like this? I agreed to help you, but I didn’t agree to sit here and moon over your maudlin, self-flagellating e-mails about how you wish things could be different. You got what you needed, I need you to give a little, too.

 ~~I try but I can never make myself finish reading the--~~ I'm not reading your letters. They're too personal. I've asked Jarvis to screen them for work-related subjects and forward only pertinent information to me.

I'll be candid; the booze thing concerns me, especially since you were drinking something that doesn't actually look strong (I always did take you for a pink drink kind of guy. surprised you didn't pick one with a tiny umbrella). It could mean you're not running on a full tank the way Bruce thinks you should be, or that the serum is reacting to whatever radiation you two are tracing - it could be anything, and with you there and my labs here we have no way of knowing. E-mail him about this if you haven't already.

Things here are lousy. Clint is just recovered enough to whine about what he wants to be doing, Nat is benched for feeding you the intel that spawned your quarter-life-crisis/poorly-planned Indiana Jones expedition. With Thor gone off to Egypt (where, by the way, Bruce has picked up some tremendous radiation signatures literally visible from space) the team is down to one and a half. Bruce actually offered to transform last time we assembled (is it still assembling if it's only one guy?) but I wouldn't let him - Iron Man did well enough on his own before the team was founded, he doesn't need to put his neck on the line for me now, especially after all the work they've been doing to keep the Hulk out of the papers. I've taken down the two low-grade baddies that popped up in the wake of your absence, but it’s awkward and more than a little embarrassing to watch the once mighty Avengers scrape by as a solo act squeezed in between my board meetings.

(I can call Thor back in an emergency.... every time it's just the pair of us I feel like the freaking Robin to his Batman.)

~~God, I miss you. I'm not sleeping. My fucking bed still smells like you. Moose keeps padding up to me in the mornings at the time you always left for your run and giving me baleful looks, like I ever willingly get out of before ten am. How can you possibly expect me to get over you if you keep sending me platonic love letters?~~

It’s really none of your concern, and I know it’s unlikely that you’ll care given how sideways everything has gone, but I hooked up with Clint a couple of nights ago. He and Becky split after the library incident, and I drank too much -- he brought me home, sobered me up, one thing lead to another. ~~I didn't intend for it to happen with someone who was a mutual friend~~ I wasn't trying to be malicious. It was something I needed, and I sleep better when someone else is around. ~~God, that sounds like an excuse, why do I still feel like I need to excuse myself to you??~~

Since he's a friend and all and I figured you might as well hear it from me instead of someone else on the team.

Don’t get yourself killed. You can keep e-mailing me, but I’ve asked Jarvis to screen them for non-personal elements and/or requests. I can’t keep doing this ~~, it's too--~~. Reading about your frolicking good time in Lima just makes me think about you and wish I was there, and I can't do that. 

TS


	494. All Knowledge lies with the Great Sphinx

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  


Greetings, my Brethren-in-Arms!

I have established my Base here in Egypt, which is truly a Realm of Great Wonders! Such a Crossroads of All Civilizations I have not before seen on your Planet. Yet here, in this Cradleof Humanity, I see the Artifacts of many Great Civilizations throughout Space and Time!

It is said that the Road to All Knowledge lies with the Great Sphinx, so I have begun my Trek by visiting this Wonder, this Half-Man, Half-Beast, wrought of Golden Sand. 

When I found myself within Near Proximity to this Creature Most Revered, I discovered that I had found myself an Opponent of Great Strength, but Little Else to commend his Worthiness against the Son of Odin. 

He called himself by the Name 'Hyperion,' and lo, but he was a Creature of Great Strength and Stamina, nearly equal to myself, but I should say nearly, for he was bested in Fair Combat by Mjolnir.

I have shrunken the Rogue Hyperion but unto a Miniscule Speck, and thus he shall stay I have also been informed that it is of Utmost Import that I should rid the Earth of the scourge of his entire Band, for they are Fellows Most Foul, indeed! It is y Understanding that he is one of Four Compatriots, and now that he has been bested, it is my duty to finish the Quartet. 

Lo! For I have also discovered this Secret: that the Criminal calling himself Hyperion also has have Dealings of Suspicious Nature with our Rival of Late, the Dread Corporation known as Non Other tha Roxxon Oil! I exhort you to look upon this Great Revelation, for it cannot be Sheer Coincidence! No, I have it certain upon my Finest Instinct that such a thing is most unlikely!

Give all my Love and Adoration to my Most Devoted Jane as she faces her own Trials upon the Academic Circuit, and I shall rejoin you all with Jubilation and Rejoicing quite soon indeed! 

Also do see that Knut The viking Chieftain is progressing well in her Most Delicate State. I would ask that all her Meals be served to her upon Fine China adorned with Gilt and Rosebuds, as she is to be treated as None Less than a Queen during this Trying Time. 

I shall correspond in Due Haste! May Luck fly with you, my friends, and may My Blessing be upon you all!

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Team!
> 
> Tea here-- I just wanted to say sorry for the drop off in comment replies-- Rain is SUPER BUSY at work right now, and I have friends in from out of town-- and just woke up with a bad sore throat, so replies may be down a bit from our usual REPLY TO ALL THE THINGS fever pitch over the weekend. 
> 
> Also wanted to remind you that you have through SUNDAY to read, view and vote for the [challenge fic and art](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014). Please take a look at all the awesome stuff people have created!


	495. Screen it out of my letters.

T--

1) I'm sorry for any miscommunication. I thought you'd want to know what I was doing. I told you I'd write. If I'd known all you wanted to hear was my reports, I'd be leaving it to the reports. I'll keep my correspondence purely to the mission from now on. 

2) I hope, though, that you understand now why I was so adamant that you stay behind, ~~even if we both hate it~~. We needed at least one person who could do the heavy lifting back home, and you're the one of us who's most accustomed to it. Thor could manage, but I know people are still leery about an alien being our first line of defense, especially after the problems his brother caused. And he's much better-suited to this Egypt mess, considering how much you hate magic. Contact Hill if you need assistance; she should be able to help. 

3) You still have Natasha on the ground, in a capacity where she can help, even if she can't be in the field for now. I know you can figure out how to utilize her. At very least, she can run scenarios with JARVIS to cut down on your prep time.

4) Thanks for looking out for Banner. It's the same call I would have made. Just remember that if it's an aid situation rather than a combat situation, he's happy to assist, and the more positive press the Hulk gets, the better.

5) I did email Banner about the alcohol issue. He said he'd talk to you about fabricating a portable meter similar to a diabetic glucose meter to test my blood, so that I can forward you both the readings. I've been trying to eat very well-- lots of protein, green vegetables, high-vitamin-content, lots of calories. That drink was the only sugary thing I had all day. And I'm not inclined to drink another one soon.

6) I am really sorry you're unhappy. If there's anything I can do from this distance to help, please let me know. You didn't say anything about my offer to call. I'd love to call. I don't know if you were silent on it because you forgot, or missed that part of the letter, or you don't want me to. I think it would be for the best for us to actually speak, Tony. 

7) I know you probably don't want to hear it, but I love you. I love you, and I don't goddamn care if you screen it out of my letters. 

8) Tony, I told you to do whatever you needed to do to get through this. That's not at all what I had in mind when I said it, but if that's what you need to do, that's what you need to do. I'm not happy about it, but if you say that it is what you needed, I'll accept it. It merits a longer conversation, however, but I need to focus on my work here, too. I don't think we should wait till I'm home to discuss this. I'd rather discuss this in a call, if we can. I don't feel that anything I can say can be properly expressed in writing. (See #6)

9) Banner thinks they may be using the shield to dampen radiation signatures. I'm going to try to get in a bit closer. Don't worry-- I'll stay out of sight until I have backup. Just want you to know that the signal in the jungle isn't very reliable; if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, it doesn't necessarily mean something's wrong. 

10) I love you. 

\--S


	496. Just easy

Nat – 

Just to follow up on my text last night – you so called it. Apparently Steve dumped Stark before he left, which explains the missed meetings/running away to California routine. (At least Cali’s closer than Japan?) He’s a hot mess, went out with Becky to commiserate on their singleitude and started getting handsy. I’m not really surprised – she’s amazing and a really… I don’t know what you’d call it, an active listener. It’s kind of ridiculous for him to be hitting on his ex’s ex, though. She holed up in the bathroom and had me come in and pick him up. 

(Upside to this scenario - I used the call as an excuse to take out his new Ferrari, and holy shit, drives like a dream... he told me he’d copy the keys, so fuck yeah) I was all ready to pry him off her, but when I turned up they seemed fine, chatting with the barback and whatever. He might have actually been relieved to see me, it was sort of… I don’t know.

Okay, well, you don’t really need the whole story, but yeah. Chinese when we were en route, we put on Goldeneye and made out like teenagers on his couch and hooked up in a major way. There were ridiculous sex accidents. Stark’s got a black eye.

It was kind of fantastic, actually.

But… there’s a bit of a, you know how, after New York, you and me were just kind of – comfortable? And sex or no sex made no difference? Stark was that way, easy in the best way. I needed something simple and he was just – it was just easy. 

I never fucking thought I’d say that about Tony Stark.

So by the time I rolled off the couch he was already en route to California again, but he left me the car keys and an employment contract, so there is that. Of course it was… you know, only this morning that I thought a little more about what it was going to look like to Becky? And what do I even, how do I explain that one. If it were her sleeping with Tony I feel like – it’d be awkward but I wouldn’t really be pissed … and on top of that, the Steve thing. 

I dunno. Advice? Admonishment?

yours  
clint


	497. Completely Uninvolved

Clint,

Do you want me to start with the advice or the admonishment?

You know I love you, right? I'm starting out with that because this is probably going to be a little harsher than my usual missives. 

I don't feel like it's appropriate for me to get involved in this on a personal level. If we need to look for an-- I don't know, a team therapist, I'll be happy to be on the lookout, but I can't be that. I'm not qualified, and I don't want to make a mess of it. 

I also think at least one of us needs to stay completely uninvolved on the personal end, at least until they talk this through once one their own. I don't want to be influencing that discussion in ways that will come back to haunt us later. If I help them smooth this over now, who's to say more problems won't crop up in the future? Bruce is too close with Stark for me to ask him to be the uninvolved party, and Thor's-- well, Thor's timeline is different from ours. 

I've told both Steve and Stark that they need to talk to each other about this, and that once they do that, I'll consider discussing the matter with them, but they need to find a way to be able to cooperate and communicate with each other for that to work-- Steve barely explained any of the plan to Stark as he volunteered to, and Stark has apparently not been answering any of Steve's messages from Peru. 

Stark told me about the breakup. Steve isn't talking about anything; he's only asking me questions about Stark. You know how Steve shuts down and stops speaking at all. From an organizational perspective, I absolutely can't make him do that-- one of the reasons for going private is to keep the organization out of our personal lives. It would ring false with the ethos of what we're trying to do. But I'm wondering if there's something larger at play than either of them is letting on.

If that had been us back when we were on the outs and partners, one of us would have gotten killed. It's not something we can have if we're going to make this team work as a private organization. So I 'm not giving you advice, either-- you're going to have to work this one out for yourself, same as they do.

On to admonishment: I know it's too late for this, but I really would have preferred you stay uninvolved, too. Sure, I don't think sleeping with Stark is that different from sleeping with me, but I very much doubt Steve will see it that way-- At worst, he'll see it as a betrayal. At best, it might appear as if you're taking sides, and I need Steve to be able to trust you implicitly for this to work. 

I'm glad you did something that helped you, but it wasn't a wise choice. 

Fortunately, if you've got to tell Stark it was a one-time thing, I don't think he'll take it badly. 

And advice: Becky isn't on the team, so I can give you advice about that. Just talk to her. I think she's done enough to show she's deserving of your trust and respect. 

Bruce is making falafel tonight; come over and eat with us. 

\--N


	498. It’s not the hangover talking.

Becky –

First off, Tony’s a real hands-on kind of guy, but he’s also reasonably good at not letting a few drunken shenanigans ruin his professional relationships. just look at that ty dude, jesus, how long have they been friends? Or him and Pepper - they've been through hell and back, dating or otherwise, and they still have a solid relationship. You two will be just fine, but it might be a good idea to be clear as crystal when it comes to your boundaries.

man, there's really no good way for me to go forward this - please don't thank me for that. I want you to be able to call me whenever you need me, I don't care what it is or where you are. But last night, when I took Tony home, I ended up hooking up with him. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just sort of - did. I was lonely, he wanted someone -- I realize that it was a terrible decision in that it puts you in a really fucking awkward place, and that really wasn't anything i ever meant to do. I went for a short-term fix for my own loneliness and potentially fucked up the friendship we've been trying to hold together despite the breakup. 

~~it made us being over finally feel real.~~

I feel like shit about this. but i wanted you to know. I don't know. I wanted to tell you in person, but i also wanted to give you the space you might need to deal, so -- please write. or call. or whatever you need to do, you know where i'll be.

clint.


	499. Getting Over You

Clint--

Okaaaaaaay. Um, look, I don't really know what to say to this. ~~You bet your fucking ass I~~ If you were feeling like that, you could have said something to me, you know. You could have come over. I was feeling pretty awful, too. And I puked a lot. Never. Never again shots.

I texted you to stop myself from making an ass out of myself. That doesn't mean you get to go be one. I mean, yeah, it would have been worse for me, since he's my stupid fucking boss, but you and I both know that Rebound!Tony's like the world's biggest terrible fucking decision on rollerskates. I want to make it clear I'm not mad you fooled around with anybody. I mean, I almost did it, right? It's just...Tony? TONY? Not good judgment, dude. It wasn't good judgment for me, it's not for you. Never mind that he's still completely gone over Steve.

Look, Tony's supposed to have a press conference in, like, a half-an-hour, and I'm supposed to be figuring out what to do about this stupid giant shiner he's being all cagey about. What the fuck did he DO?

I don't know. I don't know if we should talk or if I need to, I don't know, set some real boundaries here, because this is a shitty fucking situation all around and if I'm supposed to be getting over you, this isn't working. I mean, I don't want to be mad at you, I shouldn't be mad at you, you break up with somebody, you expect them to go sleep with other people or whatever. Move on, right? But this still hurts and I feel like shit about it.

\--Becs


	500. what you need.

Becky –

it seems so shitty to just type it here, but I really am sorry. this is stupid fucking hard, harder than I think I realized it would be. Idon’t know.

just let me know what you need. Or if you need to not do that, that’s okay too. 

clint


	501. Dumb and Emotional

Clint--

Give me, like, a couple days, okay? I'm gonna try to see if this new assistant kid is going to work out-- she's the daughter of some crazy rich clients from the gallery; I guess she needs an internship and they called me up. And I just need to keep my head on straight for that. She's, like, a little younger than I'd usually hire but she's supposed to be really smart and it would be good PR to give folks from the socialite circuit a reason to talk up the gallery. I just, I don't know if I'm gonna have to quit cussing like a sailor, or stop dressing like a hobo.

I hate to say it, but I can't focus on all this other shit if I'm thinking about you. ~~I really still kind of love you, you dumbass~~

I know we've gotta talk; I just need to sort out which parts of this are just me being dumb and emotional and feelsy, and which is real, actual stuff we should discuss. 

\--Becs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: tomorrow is the last day to vote in the fanworks challenge! Take a look at all the awesome stuff!


	502. 1/3 of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes

Hill –

Attached is the surveillance footage I had Jarvis pull of the living crabcake that tried to put the squeeze on me - isn't there someone in your organization who can fill this shit out for me? You're crazy if you think I intend to spend the minuscule slivers of free time I scrape together between running a multinational corporation and being 1/3 of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes writing fucking debriefs about mutant seafood. 

You trained and placed agents for this kind of low-level stuff - I don't mind doing it, but if being a good samaritan (seriously, I was doing press work and there it was) means filling out forms in triplicate next time I'll just let Sea World deal with it.

Given that I'm spending half my weeks in California, you need to start picking new Avengers if you want Fury’s little pet project to continue to operate with any sense of actual cohesion. I know you're vetting people for new spots on the team and I am 100% into that - if you want me to look at candidates I can do that, but I’m not willing to continue putting my armor, my investments, or myself at risk unless S.H.I.E.L.D. is providing the appropriate backup.

Tony Stark  
CEO & Owner, Stark Industries


	503. The first mutant sea creature related attack this year

Hey, Tony,

Good PR on that freaky crab-thing. Seriously, I'l going to send a stack of these clippings over to Hill as support materials for your request. Here's my favorite of the bunch-- Mano-a-crab-claw, haha, right?

I've been trying to tick some things off your to-do list, and I noticed you've been looking for a new therapist on and off since you moved back to New York, so I figured I could help out with that, yeah? Since you're back in CA half the week these days, I took the liberty of fitting you back in to your old doctor's schedule-- appointment info is on your calendar. I've also attached a list of Manhattan therapists you might want to check out. I'd be happy to vet them further for you if you don't have the time.

Look, I was also wondering...Steve had been going to the kids' hospital to volunteer with me, and now I don't have a buddy. They're pretty awesome kids and I think you'd have fun talking to them about astronomy and shit. You want to go? It's just a couple hours a week. If you're not into that, no problem, I promise.

I'm sending you a HUGE stack of documents you need to read and sign. I need them back before lunch.

\--Becs

P.S.

Clint explained about how you got the black eye and everything, so, like, you don't have to subconsciously rub at it every time I look at you. I'm not gonna say we're all good, but we don't need to, like, have a long conversation about this. But I'm gonna take a day or two off when we get back to NYC. I've got some other stuff I have to take care of and I need a sanity break.

**West Coast Avenger**

Genius billionaire Tony Stark scored some heavy action in California this week – but not of his usual sort! Mr. Stark, recently re-initiated as the CEO of the tech-and-green-energy goliath that bears his name, was traveling between his Alamo Heights townhouse and the recently-opened Mountain View SI R&D facility when something large, green, and scaly began clawing its way into Oakland. 

The creature itself appeared to be an enormous kelp-covered crab, fifteen feet tall at its highest point with claws capable of slicing cabs in half.

According to shaky footage taken from the Bay Bridge, Tony Stark in his Iron Man gear went mano-a-crab claw with the sluggish yet snappy sea creature, eventually pinning it beneath the crossbeam of a fallen gantry.

Boasting a faster response time than the National Guard, you can bet Mr. Stark’s bay-area fanclub was ecstatic when he took a victory lap around Alcatraz Island (alternately flashing peace signs and blowing kisses) before streaking off southward.

Despite this being the first mutant sea creature related attack this year, bay area residents are campaigning hard for S.H.I.E.L.D. to mount a more permanent superhero installation in their fair city. If they get what they want, Iron Man is leaving behind some tough shoes to fill!


	504. Snake-themed neo-nazi terrorism

Legal,

I went over Becky’s intel on “Rachel” last night – turns out Becky has met a number of people who claimed to be Rachel’s friends. We met Merrie at the gallery a few months ago, but there were at least three others, one of whom is very likely the “TS” that Clint received correspondence from. I asked Jarvis to scan through all available security footage of the locations Becky remember eating with them – we found two solid cross-images of the party, providing solid visuals on two of them and a blurry partial third that looks an awful lot like the Serpent Society member Becky and I took on at the library. 

Images are attached.

Becky also suggested that we explore Merrie’s studio – I have a feeling I know what we’ll find. If she _was_ affiliated with Rachel and posing a an artist, that at least explains why the fanart was so shitastic. I can’t believe I paid to have that shit replaced. I hate the idea that I helped to fund snake-themed neo-nazi terrorism.

Last off, I realize I haven't actually thanked you for allowing yourself to be benched for the express purpose of keeping an eye on Steve. I’m trying to keep up my belligerent/entitled team player front with Hill; she had me chasing after giant crabs in between photo ops in the bay area this weekend, psh.

I still believe you should have spoken to Steve sooner about Hydra’s reappearance; however, I was out of line when I criticized you for your choices in the lab. That wasn’t the time or place for that conversation. I was looking for someone to blame for the situation and you were there and convenient; it wasn’t the right way to handle it. I know that you know that, but I wanted to say it directly. I’m working on my shit; next time I should handle that type of crisis with a little more finesse. 

I owe you a serious apology or two for my behavior over the last two weeks, but I’d prefer to do it in person. Dinner?

T


	505. Crank up that gaydar

Tastykakes:

Excuse me, why am I hearing about this from _anyone but you_? When did this go down? If this is one of your infamous publicity leaks and you gave it to fucking _4chan_ , of all places...Really, 4chan? That's a low blow. 

I should say 'well done' and all that for scoring your childhood idol (not that it seemed like too difficult a proposition when I met him, despite your protests), but I'm a little put out over this one, babe. You know I could have broken it better.

So you know I have to ask: Details? Was it everything you thought it would be, or did you have to lead him around like a lost lamb? Did you have to waive your 'no virgins' rule for this one? I got the idea he was pretty uptight at the gala, but you never know, sometimes the stick-in- the-mud types surprise you. Not too vanilla for my Cookiepuss? Can I send you a list of things I'd love to see you do to that boy's mouth (for America!) or am I getting ahead of myself?

Got any more pics?

-T

**Stark Spangled Scandal**

The internet was rocked last night by a shocking new series of photographs involving our favorite Gossip Magazine Queen billionaire playboy Tony Stark – how is that news you might be thinking? Well, the real news this time around isn’t the attention-seeking playboy but – in fact – his partner:

**All-American poster boy Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America.**

That’s right – Tony Stark and the Star Spangled Man are allegedly one hot, hot item.

The photos in question are grainy and appear to have been lifted from a Stark Industries property security feed, likely taken inside the New York SI office, which also contains residential areas for the entire Avengers team. The time-stamped photos first broke on 4chan and quickly brought the site down; follow-up images from the same set quickly spread like wildfire across the Internet. 

Tame compared to some of Mr. Stark’s other online appearances, the photos allegedly show Tony Stark and Steve Rogers getting handsy inside an elevator.

By 6 AM the SI legal department issued a cease and desist to all websites posting these images; we won’t be sharing them here for fear of locking horns with the Big Boys, but a savvy Googler should be able to turn up the goods. Don’t think the legal injunction lends any credibility to the veracity of the pics, though – SI considers them slanderous.

So what do you think, dear readers? Crank up that gaydar and let us know in the comments!

Here at TMZ we’ve firmly cast our votes; now all that's left is to sit around wondering _why didn’t that costume tip us off…_?


	506. The Next Best Thing

Stark, 

Jarvis informs me that you've set his protocols to refuse all visitors, so I suspect this is the next best thing. 

Please tell me if you need anything else from me. How do you want me to play the Ana angle here? 

Someone needs to tell Steve, since I imagine he's in the only place the news hasn't traveled. I'll do it if you want me to, but it's your decision. Just let me know how you want to handle it. I'm at your disposal.

Looking into Merrie's "studio"-- the address Becky gave is literally around the block from the address on Steve's ransom note. I suspect the buildings are connected. I don't know if it's worth the risk to send someone up there while we're as depleted as we are.

TS is safe. He-or-she, though I suspect a she, got me out of a tight spot about a year ago, and didn't out Bruce. She's got her own personal business with HYDRA; I don't know the details, but it's another thread in the Rachel puzzle, if Rachel's connected to her.

I can very easily see how I might have gone Steve's way when I defected, if it weren't for the people who took me in. It's the least I can do to pay back the favor. I really do think it works, too, as a test case for what a private organization might be like, where the weak points are, where we need coverage. And past mistakes are past mistakes. We try not to repeat them, but we don't have time for regret. If you're on board now, that's all that matters. Thanks for the apology. I know exactly how rarely you do that.

Would you like to have dinner with me and Bruce? You can come to us, or we'll come to you. I think you may feel better right now if you were around people. 

\--Legal


	507. Man-On-Man With A Plan

Tony,

I hate to be a nag, but you've gotta ~~come out~~ do something besides sulk in your room all day-- you do realize that your lack of visibility is causing more media problems? And Nat says you need to decide whether she's telling Steve or you are.

Okay. I mean. Your PR team is all over me about this, so I had to kind of say something to you. SORRY. IT'S MY JOB.

Let me know what you need me to take care of. I know it ~~sucks~~ ~~blows~~ is pretty much the worst thing that could happen right now. I know it's shitty. I'm so, so sorry. But we can't help you with this if you don't tell us what to do.

<3

Becs

**Star-Spangled Man-On-Man With A Plan**

 

The turmoil surrounding the Stark/Rogers photoset hitting the intertubes is heating up – following SI’s cease and desist, our mystery-poster started publishing a photo an hour, all date-stamped with times and GPS coordinates, escalating in overall raunchiness... though there are one or two that involve nothing sexier than hand-holding and popcorn-munching. The fifth photo was delivered with a statement that the poster would continue to post until Captain America himself made a public appearance.

One appears to show Mr. Stark licking something suspiciously chocolate mousse-like off Captain America’s glorious pectorals – another shows the pair wrestling in what appears to be a massive indoor park.

Stark Industries and S.H.I.E.L.D. have refused to comment, though the American Family Association has wasted no time in issuing a series of statements lambasting Captain Rogers for wearing the American colors while engaging in what they refer to as “hedonistic, immoral behavior rendering [him] unfit to wear the stars and stripes as a representative of the American public.” The AFA’s age-old war against SI for Mr. Stark’s public bisexuality is long standing, but now Captain Rogers is finding himself in the cross hairs – he has also been unavailable for statements.

What’s next for the Avengers, so often plagued by damage litigation and government funding crunches? Stay tuned to find out!


	508. 4PM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly NSFW.

Hey, Tootsie Pop--

Answer your fucking texts, or pick up the phone and call me back. You know this shit has my phone ringing off the hook, right? I mean, I usually do my best to nip these stories in the bud, but fucking 4chan, there's nothing you can do about these assholes. People are going to start asking questions if my channels are the only ones not picking up the story-- so the question is, how should I spin this? You want a place for an exclusive, you can have any platform you want. Just give me the story and I'll make it happen. 

\--T

P.S. I'm getting more and more impressed with Captain America. Most of us don't get to fuck the dudes we dressed up as as toddlers, and even fewer of us get to blindfold them and tie them to the safety rail of a private elevator to do it, so I've got to say I'm impressed with that one, even if it is patently unfair; all of my childhood crushes are way too old to bend that way, and even if they could, I'm sure none of them have a cock as magnificent as I infer that one is. I especially enjoyed 4PM. God, I'm glad your elevator's mirrored.


	509. Veggie Sausage

Tony,

I know Nat has already e-mailed you once but I wanted to reach out, too. I’m worried about you. 

Please come to dinner? We’re here for you.

Bring Moose, too. I have a veggie sausage with his name on it.

Bruce


	510. A Smear Campaign

~~Steve~~ Cap - 

Whoever was transmitting information via JARVIS last winter published photos of us online, Steve. Together. It’s obviously a smear campaign; as soon as I had legal crack down they started posting more and more explicit material, one an hour. Nothing pornographic yet but it’s coming pretty fucking close.

 ~~What should I tell~~ I need to know how you want me to play this. I can claim they’re fakes and sue or own it and move forward, it doesn’t really matter to me so long as our stories are aligned. I'm not sticking my neck out legally unless you're sure you want to lie about it. You’re the one they want statements from atm and you aren’t answering my fucking e-mails, so.... where the fuck are you??

 ~~T~~  
Stark


	511. Seriously, seriously

Steve,

Seriously, seriously, you have to e-mail me back, I can’t be responsible for making this decision for you. especially considering we're not a thing anymore. I feel like you wouldn’t want me to lie but seriously, for fuck’s sake

I need you on this, please call me.

T


	512. Growing Horror

Tony,

I've been watching the news unfold with growing horror; is there no respect for anyone's privacy anymore? I suppose I'm glad we made the decision to go public as soon as possible; even if the limelight was not always all it was cracked up to be, we always knew exactly where we stood. And I understand why this is more difficult than anything we ever had to weather.

Is Steve taking it all right? I'm a little hesitant to contact him directly, but please let him know that if he needs someone to talk to, I'll be more than happy to lend an ear. I told him once that it would be impossible for any relationship with you to stay out of the public eye for long, and I think it's only right that I offer him advice, should he need it. 

More importantly, how are you handling it? Call me if you need to-- I know you're probably busy playing damage control. If you need to direct anyone to me for a quote, you know you have my full support in this. I'll call you this evening if I don't hear from you. Make sure to revoke all access to the surveillance system from all New York employees until you can determine who is responsible for the leaks-- that would be the quickest way to cut this off at the source. 

I love you and I'm here if you need me. 

Pepper


	513. A foot-note to it all, really

Pep – 

Thanks for the e-mail.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, the pictures are sort of a foot-note to it all, really.

Steve almost died, then found out the people who nearly killed him were the crazy Nazis he fought in the 40s, quit the Avengers, and left New York. He also left me.

So, no. I have no idea if Steve needs an ear. He ran away to South America to fight Nazis – what the fuck do I know.

We’ve had a major security breach at the tower between the arc reactor incident in early December and Valentine’s Day, connected to JARVIS’ hacking. All of these images come from footage taken in that time period. There’s a chance Nazis are smearing my rep through gay sex photos – how the fuck is this my life?

There’s so much more, I have no idea where to start. I’ll figure it out, though.

Love you. Miss you.

T


	514. Upon My Return

  



	515. Shattered

Cap – 

Fine. I'll fucking figure it out. Don’t come crying to me when your public image is shattered.

Stark


	516. Half my soul

N&B

Thanks for the dinner invite. I need to turn it down. Tiberius Stone is offering to work some spin for me; we're hashing out details before the first press conferences tomorrow. 

(Fucker probably wants half of my soul for it, but you know. Beggars, choosers.)

What do you think? Am I more of an Ellen sort of guy or a Today Show sort of guy? 

T

PS: in case it is not immediately evident by the tone of this email: I hate everything.


	517. Like bargaining with terrorists

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 421 HUDSON ST NEW YORK, NY 10014 ]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[door sliding open]

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hoarse]

….hey.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey, Cupcake. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling] Can I --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] You look like shit. I already poured you a drink. 

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hang that up, don’t rumple it. 

[footsteps]

You’re .... thanks, Ty. You’re… being pretty great about this.

I’m not sure if I should …

[glass on table]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m not complaining; it’s the most I’ve seen you in years. 

[padded footsteps] You turning down Laphraoig fifteen? You can’t get that anymore... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know, I just -- I was cutting back.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Cutting back? Is everything... 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[ice clinking, sipping]

Are those… Iron Man slippers?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** They didn’t have War Machine slippers, so this was the next-sexiest thing I could find. Did you eat? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … don’t know.

War Machine?? Still? At least you’re not into that “Iron Patriot” bullshit.

I need … god, I need... Ty, I don’t know what I need. [rustling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know I love giving you a hard time. Move over; that’s my seat. 

I ordered in from that Indian place you always liked. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? What’d you get me?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Same as always. Chicken tikka, veggie pakora, cheesy garlic naan. And you can have some of my saag paneer if you’re good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Still into veggies, huh?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m still into a lot of things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … did miss you. As furious as you make me from time to time. [kissing]

[shifting, silence] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [shifting, rustling]

You’re pretty busted up, aren’t you? Jesus, Tony, this is hardly the worst thing that’s ever happened. You’re acting like you haven’t been out more than half your life. C’mere, let me…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was fucking dumped by Captain America, Ty. Not my best day ever.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Whoa...wait, over the pics? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. Last week. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Over California? You didn’t tell him about California, did you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, I didn’t fucking tell him about California. It was...before that. Right before that.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, fuck it, and I just saw the tiniest glimmer of hope you might’ve cheated on your childhood idol with me. 

[exaggerated sigh] 

You should have told me. That dipshit kid doesn’t deserve you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...no. You have that the wrong way around.

It’s kind of a long story. He nearly died, I freaked out, we argued, he left. He’s somewhere in bumfuck nowhere South America now, and I have no idea what he’d want me to do about these photos. I don’t know.

I don’t want … I didn’t want this to be…

[silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [kissing sounds] 

Are you-- you were _serious_ about him? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ty… he was _literally_ everything I’ve ever wanted.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [kissing sounds] What? Tall, blond, sarcastic? Sounds like a catch. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He fit.

It sounds ridiculous. He was so… everything about him. I wanted to drown in him. It was fucking ridiculous.

[ice clinking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** T, I haven’t seen you this moon-eyed since you were fifteen fucking years old. Here, lemme top you off. 

[footsteps] 

[liquid pouring] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thanks.

I just. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t not, you know? Fuck.

And now _everyone knows._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Yeah, well, those pictures are hot stuff, Jellybean. 

[footsteps] Slower with this one; I only have one case of the fifteen Laphraoig left. 

[shifting, kissing sounds] 

There are a million ways to spin this, and none of them make _you_ look bad. You’re the forty-three-year-old who bagged the sexiest thing to come out of the nineteen forties after Rosie the Riveter. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want him to look bad.

I didn’t want him to be another name on my fucking list-of-people-Tony-Stark-scared-off.

[kissing] 

Have you ever -- I guess not.

[sigh]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know I’m not like that. 

[kissing sounds] 

[inaudible] 

You know what I have to say to people who’ve been scared off? They’re fucking cowards. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

...Ty…

[rustling]

I didn’t come here just to make out on your couch. We’re not seventeen anymore. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** What, so you want to go fuck in the bedroom? 

[rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. Well, not no, but there’s something I wanted to tell someone -- tell you, I suppose, and it has to be _you_. You knew my parents.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [smooch] Mood-killer. What is it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

I got word -- I got word about a few things. My mother. Apparently my mother was-- well, she was a KGB operative 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Yeah? You mean before she worked for SHIELD? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- what the fuck, you _know_ about that? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** My parents had suspicions; it-- you didn’t? I just assumed it was something we didn’t talk about, let Maria put on her little act where she wouldn’t load the dishwasher because she hated getting her hands dirty.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… [breath] 

I had no fucking clue, Ty. I thought she was an Italian heiress. I thought -- she taught me Italian, not fucking Russian! Every fucking thing I thought I knew about that half of the family was complete _bullshit._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [silence] Makes all our lies seem pretty shallow, doesn’t it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Makes me think I learned it somewhere.

[silence]

I just -- Jarvis? You remember Jarvis. A SHIELD agent. He was married to Steve’s former squeeze, apparently. He retired when I got into MIT, I always thought…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know how many times my parents told me you were welcome at our holidays? Asked if you wanted to stay the summer?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … is that why? Ty. My mother was injected with a derivative of the super soldier serum. She was a lab rat. I think I was too.

My dad was obsessed with Steve - I think he married her to discover whether or not the serum’s effects were passed on genetically. I don’t have Steve’ physique -- I was just a failed fucking experiment, I was.

[breath] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I can’t tell you any of that. [chuckle] Tony. My folks didn’t-- their intel only stretched so far; they were television people, not a government agency.

But whatever your family was, you know you were like another son to them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Only because they thought we’d…

[throat clearing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** No. Sometimes I think they would have taken you over me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure that’s not true.

I do miss them.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** They’d be glad you were here now. It’s been too long.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I told Steve once that everything special about him came out of a bottle. Maybe I’m the same.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And who the hell cares? Doesn’t make you less special, does it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. It feels like I don’t know anything, anymore. I can’t -- without him, everything I’m doing just feels so ...

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

That’s bullshit. What am I, then? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know it’s not the same. You and I have always been different.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Maybe different is better.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Come on. You promised an exclusive. The sooner, the better.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You’ve got your exclusive. We can take care of business, but I want to make sure someone’s taking care of _you_ , too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You enjoy it when I need you. 

[rustling]

[ice clinking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

I like being needed. Can you blame me? I don’t see you unless you need me. T, what do you want? You’ve got me at your disposal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want your outlets to re-run the photos. If you have to run some, run the ones where Steve’s face isn’t visible. Don’t make the story about him.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Damn, and I wanted to print my own calendar of those photos, for, ahem, personal use. That’s a tall order. You do realize the story _is_ about him?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The story is what you say it is. We both know that.

I’d like an exclusive - screened questions, sympathetic host, no curve balls.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What kind of outlet? Are we going serious news? Entertainment? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Entertainment. Try to keep it off the … well, anything a conservative audience would watch.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I don’t _run_ anything a conservative audience would watch, Tony. You usually complain about that, remember? And we’ll keep it-- you want to make this a personal privacy thing, yeah? No gay shit? We can stay away from LGBT hosts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. That’s up to Steve. For my part I don’t give a shit -- but I don’t really want to work that angle, seeing as we’re no longer a thing. Too many questions.

That’s the other thing - he’s on a mission, undercover. We can’t focus on where he is or why he isn’t giving statements.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Yeah, well, you don’t want everybody calling you up to talk at HRC events and shit, either; the whole gay icon rainbow glitter thing is a shitshow. Nobody talks about anything else, once you do that. 

Why is that a problem? He’s Captain America. “He’s unavailable while on a super-patriotic red white and blue secret mission” is just about the best excuse you could give the press. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, yeah, I know. See Ellen Page. 

It’s a live mission. I don’t want him in any bonus danger because anything about his whereabouts was telegraphed. I don’t even want the people he’s after to know he’s after them. But… I also don’t want it to look like he’s embarrassed or ashamed.

I mean, maybe he is. I don’t know. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Look, anybody who’s embarrassed about banging the sexiest man I know in an elevator isn’t worth your time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know if he’s embarrassed. He doesn’t know about the photos.

And what’s that? It’s hard to hear you talking, through all the coats hanging in your cozy little closet…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, psh, it’s common knowledge that I ‘have been known to experiment,’ I believe was the phrase. You want to get it on in the elevator, I’ll send the photos to everyone I know. 

[kissing sounds]

And that’s a lot of people. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, aren’t you romantic.

I’m swearing off elevators for a while.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Stairwell? It has emergency lighting. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You get me out of this, you can pick your locale of choice.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I could release our sex tape. I mean, it’s not technically finished yet, since _someone_ had to go all radio silence a few years back, made it a little difficult to work on...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know why the fuck I stopped speaking to you.

You still have that shit?? Jesus, Ty--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** No, Tony, I don’t know why you decided to stop--

[phone buzzing]

_But lovers always come and lovers always go_  
 _An' no one's really sure who's lettin' go today_  
 _Walking away..._

[scrambling]

Hey, Pep.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Really? Your ringtone for Pepper is _November Rain_? 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _Tony. I got your email. Are you--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck off, dude - not you, Pep.

Sorry. Yeah. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _There’s someone else there? Is this a bad time?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s fine. I’m at Ty’s. He offered to--

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _No._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No? What do you mean, _no?_ He offered to help with the spin.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _You don’t make bargains with Tiberius Stone, Tony. You know that. It’s like bargaining with terrorists._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Psh, I know some extremely amenable terrorists. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well, you’ve never been fucking kidnapped and thrown in a cave for three months, you fucking prick.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [groan] Those weren’t even real terrorists. The IRA was FULL of super nice guys.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You want to talk real terrorists, I’ll show you --

[throat clearing]

It’s not a bargain, Pep. He isn’t asking for anything.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _Are you sure? He never does, Tony. He just-- Wait. Are you sleeping with him? If you’re even thinking about sleeping with him, I’m going to get on the next train up--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We ran into each other at a gala earlier this month, Steve … well, I was - upset, and yeah, it wasn’t the best choice, but I need this, Pep. I need someone on my side here. Someone with clout who can keep Steve’s face out of the news.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _So, you’re sleeping with him._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hello, Pepper! Nice to hear your voice!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Leave her alone, Ty, or she’ll reinstate the restraining orders.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _I’m booking a ticket right now; I’ll be in New York at eight tomorrow morning. Tony, you’ve been through this before. Steve’s face is already all over the news. The only thing that’s going to get Steve’s face out of the news is bigger news. Stone is taking advantage._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You have classes, Pepper, you don’t need to do that. It’s fine.

I mean. It’s not fine, but isn’t this the reason you took a break? I’m not your job right now. I don’t want you to--

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _I can find someone to cover them. I’ve been here for two months; you’re not my job; you haven’t been acting like you’re my job. You’ve been wonderful about that. You_ are _the only best friend I’ve got._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

Okay. Yeah, okay.

It’ll be...really good to see you. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [sigh]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _If you want to feel out Stone’s offer, go ahead; I’m not going to stop you. But don’t pull the trigger on anything until I’m there and can go over it with you._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m ... okay, but there’s some shit I’m pretty firm on, we’re losing ground if we don’t start damage control ASAP.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _And I **mean** the offer. Don’t feel out Stone. Just the offer. _

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _The classic Tony Stark move is to act just for the sake of acting. Making decisions from a place of desperation has never been your strong suit._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Except for the time it was LITERALLY a strong suit. I can handle some of this, Pep. Brainstorm me some interview questions, I’m going exclusive on the violation of personal privacy angle.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _Will do. Have you heard from Steve?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

No.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _I’m sorry._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Me too. He told me he was going to be incommunicado, but I can't help but think something's...

I don’t know.

I love you - you’re saving my ass yet again. Travel safe.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _I love you, too. I’ll see you in the morning. Don’t do anyone I wouldn’t do._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh, rustling] Sorry, Ty. Duck’s off.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _I’m serious, Tony. Take care._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know, I know. Be good. See you tomorrow.

[click]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** But, _Mooooom_... [groan] No chance she’ll ever like me, is there? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe if you grow a soul and start offering assistance out of the goodness of your heart?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Fuck you, CookiePuss. What do you think I’ve been doing all this time? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t need to play, babycakes. We’re both adults. I _know_ you.

[smooch]

I like you even when you’re horrible. Most of the time, anyway.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You’re a goddamn ingrateful bastard.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Stay? Food’s in the kitchen. We can figure out your strategy. You do sound awfully keen on wanting to pay me back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t flatter yourself; I just want to get it over with.

I don’t know…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps]

[liquid pouring]

[footsteps]

[glass clinking]

What can I do to convince you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For starters, make the call. Like I said - no images showing Steve’s face. If they have to show one, make it… I don’t know. One of the earlier ones, maybe. Something tame.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Done. The message is going to be _someone hacked the Stark Tower surveillance feed_ , not _Iron Man and Captain America caught on film_. We’ll make it as boring as fuck. Well, more boring than fuck, obviously, since that’s the whole problem. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Can we do more of the constantly mentioning the “transition to clean energy and donating billions of dollars to charity yearly etc etc" thing on SI? Focus on the business’ more redeeming qualities, instead of, you know, the whole legacy of death thing? Also - if we can leave out that Steve worked for me for any extent of time, that’d be great. It was an unmitigated disaster. Maybe I'll have Earnest burn his files.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Whatever you say, Jellybean. I’ve got a better idea. Providing you’re willing to go with it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ve grown a little wary of your “better” ideas…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know I heard three-quarters of what Pepper said to you. I kinda liked her idea about finding a bigger story. 

[kissing sounds]

You’ve been the beneficiary of at least half of my better ideas. You usually looked like you were enjoying them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swatting] You’re trying to distract me.

Bigger can be better, I’ll give you that.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Viastone signs a contract with Stark Industries as our exclusive energy provider? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You… [silence]

Are you serious?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** There was already that piece about us in California; the seed’s been planted in people’s heads. You need a major client to prove you can get this off the ground, with real scalability. We’ve got affiliate stations in forty-six states; that gives you the opportunity to lay the groundwork for a nationwide system, on our property so you don’t have to deal with eminent domain or the fucking Roxxon assholes trying to drive you out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

I’m not installing arc reactors on any premises that isn’t SI-owned. You’d be contracting for grid access, not proprietary tech.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [kissing sounds] 

The infrastructure isn’t in place yet, either way. We can plan the wedding for oh, say late twenty-fifteen. Start in New York and California, where you’re already on the map and our biggest facilities are. Running power from Stark Tower to Viastone should be a piece of cake; it’s all of seventeen blocks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wedding? You remember how that turned out, sweetcheeks.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That was ten years ago. Old history. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. Numbers. Pepper will want numbers.

[smooching]

Tomorrow? Can we suss it out tomorrow, go wide on the press by Friday? We’ll have to call an emergency meeting of the board. It’ll … we can broadcast generals, not specifics, it’ll be -- mmm, you’re....

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] I know I am, but what happened to answers now, answers now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The less attention we pay to that, the better. I’d rather it be a footnote in an interview about something that actually matters.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Tell them there’s something much bigger in the works, hmm? 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ahh-- ha, hahaaa… aaa-- [inaudible]

[rustling]

God, you -- 

[groaning]

Don’t knock my glass. Ty. Watch your knee.

[inaudible]

[unzipping] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Too busy watching you. 

[rustling]

[inaudible] 

{{Saving…}}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've tallied up the votes in the [Fanworks Challenge](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014)! 
> 
> [Please go here to see the results!](http://1796meta.tumblr.com/post/89931702537/contest-results)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who entered, read, and voted, and congratulations to the winners.
> 
> (We still need to pick our Author's Choice winners-- we will do that as soon as we can!)


	518. Starkypoo

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: Done & Dusted

Starkypoo - 

so guess who formally submitted his resignation to Fury this morning? It feels weird to be a free man. I'm not sure if i like it or not.

They're having me come in for the next three day for security clearance de-briefing and the signing of additional confidentiality bullshit agreements - sooo... do you have a lawyer i can borrow? 

After that i am good to go, so let's get the ball rolling with the Top Secret Plan and stuff.

clint


	519. she'll love you

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
subject: re: Done & Dusted

Featherface - 

You bet your birdie buns I do. Have you met Jen? Wear purple, she'll love you.

Car will pick you up at eight. Also i planted a gps tracker in your shoe, just in case Fury tries to whisk you away to Tahiti or something.

Daddy Warbucks

PS

You're still not cleared for duty post-concussion, beakface. I'm as eager as you, but we can't get ahead of yourselves.


	520. Keep the Introduction Brief

Team:

Hi there! 

I have the exciting-yet-dubious honor of having been assigned as Interim Team Leader for the Avengers Initiative by Deputy Director Hill. Since I've already worked with almost all of you in the past (and Thor, I've heard stories about New Mexico AND read your very colorful reports, so I feel like I know you!), I'll keep the introduction brief. We're all busy, you don't wanna read more paperwork than you have to. 

Working with the Initiative is like a dream job for me. Most of you know that I worked in the SHIELD laboratories in addition to being a full-time field agent, and I'm excited about the prospect of getting to play around in your facilities, if your team will permit it. A team with its own fully-functional R&D division is like a gold mine.

You can expect things to continue as normal-- or as normal as things appear to be for your team, nice work on that giant crab, Mr. Stark; I was sorry to hear the flesh was too irradiated to make crabcakes for the entire West Coast. At the moment, I'll be managing day-to-day affairs remotely while I tie up some loose ends here on my current assignment. This pretty much means I'm the one you get to email to sign off on minutiae (everybody's favorite!) and who gets to tell you no a lot so you feel deeply fulfilled on the rare occasion you get a yes (not that I expect any of you to take no for an answer, but please remember to keep insubordination fully behind my back if you can help it). Once Agent Barton has departed, I'll be receiving a physical transfer and offering field support as needed. I'm afraid I'm no Captain America, but I don't think I'm half-bad, either.

Please feel free to address me with any questions or concerns. We can have a full team meeting once I arrive to address the other current deficits to the performance of the Initiative. I know some of you have (very vocally-stated) complaints and we'll see what we can do about them. I'm looking forward to helping you protect the world from more mutant seafood!

Best,

Barbara Morse, PhD  
"Mockingbird"  
Team Leader, The Avengers Initiative


	521. Tweet Tweet

Clint,

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're leaving. Fury and Hill decided to take your departure as an opportunity to stick me on the team, since we know I was on the short list in the first place ~~and if it hadn't been for the helicarrier incident~~. I think it'll be good. I'm really excited to get to work with Stark and Banner in the lab and I hear you have a plum setup. 

Anyway, I know why they gave us separate assignments, and I know why they waited to stick me with Earth's Zaniest Heroes till you're all clear, and I know I needed it, but I think we could go back to being a team someday. I hope you're holding together all right these days. 

Drop me a line when you have a chance. If I'm working with Natasha, we're going to cross paths sooner or later. We might as well take advantage of the opportunity. I want things to be okay. You got any advice for me playing in the big leagues?

Tweet tweet and all the best (and I mean it, best),

Bobbi


	522. I like you anyway

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 421 HUDSON ST NEW YORK, NY 10014 ]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[heavy breathing] 

[kissing] 

[rustling] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] Mmm. Morning, babycakes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmm, St--…. Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, thank you for mostly remembering my name. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t be like that, I was half asleep.

[kissing]

He was never up for pre-breakfast hookups... Though generally, I could convince him to break the rule at least once a week...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] Well, you know I don’t have rules. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No shit… if you did, you’d spend all your time compulsively breaking them…

[yawning] What time is it? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Early as fuck...not light out yet, see? We can do that one more time before you have to go. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] Train. Pepper’s train.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Eight AM. You’re fifteen minutes from the station. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groans] I need to shower. I smell like you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] We can do that again in the shower? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm, twist my arm, why don’t you… [rustling, yawning]

[phone beeping] 

**JARVIS:** Sir, Mr. Rogers’ data feed is live.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What?!_

[scrambling]

_Steve?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Definitely not Steve. Is this Mr. Stark?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who the fuck else would it be? Who is this. Put Steve on the line _right fucking now._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Steve is _passed out_ right fucking now. Madame Hydra dosed him with something. This is Rachel. Rachel Leighton. _

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** RA-- oh for fuck’s sake, you followed him to South America. You followed him to fucking _South America._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I didn’t follow him. He followed me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What did you assholes do him? I swear to god, I’m calling my armor and shoving a repulsor down your throat faster than you can say--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I saved his fucking life. For like the **third time** , so you’re welcome, Mister I-don’t-even-have-the-balls-to-own-up-to-being-somebody’s-boyfriend. Why the fuck did you let him come down here alone? _

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not his fucking keeper.

Where the fuck are you? I’m coming down there.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Please do. We’re stuck in the jungle and there’s a lot more of them than there are of us._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** JARVIS, I want a GPS track on the call, stat.

 **JARVIS:** Already done, sir. Call originating from the following GPS coordinates within the southeastern peru, 300km from the border with Bolivia.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Hey! Is that your computer?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. You know how quickly he could co-opt a set of surface missiles and point them at you? Pretty fucking fast.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Oh, yeah? You want to try pointing them at the mine about six miles from here?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not unless Steve asks nicely, you miserable bitch.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Well, you know how Steve feels about the word ‘bitch,’ bitch._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jarvis, I need the Mark 46 ready to ride.

[footsteps]

[clothing rustling]

 **JARVIS:** Sir, that model is still in it’s testing phase. Why I always feel the need to remind you of that, I have no idea. You’ll just go off half-cocked with untried systems anyway.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yup.

[jogging footsteps]

[metal scraping]

Run a biometric scan of subdermal implant network in three, two…

[beeping, whirring]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Tony? Tony, what’s going on?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stay out of this, Ty.

[footsteps, keypad tapping]

J, simultaneous a filtration check, this is gonna take some high altitude flying. And have fresh IV/nutrarich bags loaded, please.

 **JARVIS:** Of course, sir.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _We’re in the fucking Peruvian jungle but I have no idea where we are; we lost Steve’s tech trying to escape, and I’m not exactly Dora the Explorer. Pretty sure we’re facing East, based on the sun, but we’re in the jungle, so my visuals aren’t exactly stellar._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck’s sake. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _You want to talk to your boyfriend about it when he wakes up, great. I’m not the one who decided to Captain America his way into a secret bugfuck Nazi stronghold. I’m just trying to get him out alive._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s not my fucking boyfriend. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Oh, god, give it up._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck you.

I can be there in six hours provided you give me a reason to believe a single word out of your lying mouth.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Jesus, I already de-toxed the Black Widow, gave you the code to fix your system, and kept Steve from bleeding out in an abandoned hotel, what the hell else do you want?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’ve got to be kidding.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, it’s so funny._

 **JARVIS:** Suit levels are holding strong, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** In between setting fire to my servers, robbing my house, luring my ex into said abandoned hotel and then donating the blood that nearly killed him? Yeah, your record is peachy fucking keen.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _What the hell are you talking about, blood?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We figured the transfusion play out - and in the nick of fucking time, too. He was dead on the table and it was your fucking fault, so don’t expect any -- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Transfusion play? What are you-- I let them bleed me dry in an ambulance after what happened. I had no idea about the ambush, or I would have done something sooner._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** So it’s completely coincidental your blood put him in a comatose state. Right. What an unhappy _accident_.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [silence]

_I don’t know what kind of crazy tripped out theories you have, but I can tell you one thing. Well. Two things. One, Steve is my friend. Two, I just blew my cover and put my life on the line for him. Are you going to help me or not?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Give me Steve. I’m not doing anything until I speak to Steve.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Steve is passed out on the ground. Believe me, if I could make him listen to your charming voice, I would. Look...I don’t know. You want proof, ask your stupid computer who almost killed me when I was trying to fix him._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [muttered] Jarvis? 

**JARVIS:** There are no surviving records of the server fire, sir. I have no idea.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I was trying to run that code I gave you. I think I fucked it up._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, no shit - but it takes more than a couple of key strokes to _light an entire server bank on fire._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Are you listening to me? The computer did that._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck you. If he’s actually there, have him call me. _Then_ we’ll talk. In the meantime, I’m treating you as a hostile.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Ha. Me, hostile? You know, it’s probably your only window of opportunity to pull him out; the minute he’s awake, there’s no fucking way you’ll get him on an airlift._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Have. Him. Call. Me.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I will. But I don’t know if that’s going to be soon. Might be a few hours.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I hope you realize that If he’s dead, HYDRA will be the least of your worries.

[click]

[silence]

[choked breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You--you look like you just got trampled by rabid lions, Tony. 

[patting] Come on, breathe, baby.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Christ, Steve -- Steve is -- [choked breathing]

 **JARVIS:** Sir, your heart rate has elevated beyond acceptable parameters for flight. Your -- I recommend engaging in the breathing exercises Doctor --

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know, okay? I fucking know. [gulping, panting]

[footsteps] Don’t…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Fuck, Tony, you're scaring me here. You're all-- what should I do?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don't touch me, just... [gulping] ... fuck, just, give me a minute.

[gasping for air]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Sure, fine. You... You know how completely fucked that all sounded, right?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [gasping]

[gasping]

God, oh god. 

[measured breathing, gasping, measured breathing] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You need a drink? Whiskey or water?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...whiskey?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps]

[liquid pouring]

[footsteps]

Drink up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking, coughing]

[breathing, choked silence] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I'm just going to... Sit right here. Tell me what you want.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just… just.

[silence]

Sorry. It’s ridiculous, I know it’s --

[wheezing]

[breathing slowing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What the hell is going on with you, Tony? I don’t need an apology. Just tell me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not a big deal, it’s only since....

[ice clinking]

Just one more fucking issue to add to my collection.

[breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It sure fucking looks and sounds like a big deal. Since when?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Doesn’t matter.

It’s getting better.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That didn’t sound better. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. You should have heard me last July.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Is this about those fucking aliens? You should sue the city. Or the feds. Somebody.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who, exactly, would I sue? The fucking hive-mind alien army? The government black-ops agency I consult for? Shit, Ty.

[ice clinking]

Do you have any how many people my weaponry gave PTSD? It’s pretty fucking karmic.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It matters if that has any kind of long-term affect on your health. This isn't some kind of karmic balance; you're worth more than that to the world.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you think I haven’t already seen the best doctors available? You can’t just --

[shifting, coughing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Of course I assume you have; do you think I'm stupid? Do you--that's why I'm talking damages. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re worried about me. It’s a cute look on you, Stone.

[kiss]

[liquid sloshing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, Tony Stark saying he doesn't want to be touched is a problem for me.

[kissing]

I'm concerned about the depreciation of my assets.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting] Don’t -- just … 

I’m not your fucking asset.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [silence] You’re my best friend. My oldest friend. Probably my only friend, if you stop counting the people who follow me around because of what I can do for them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** What? Of course I’m worried about you. You don’t see someone change this much after thirty years and not worry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t worry about me. You worry about what’s happening to me affecting you.

I think that’s the first time you’ve called me that. Thirty fucking years.

[ice clinking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know that. I wrote that essay about you in eighth grade English. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That was for an audience - you do love an audience.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You see anyone else here now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t alway see your play, but I know it’s there. I always know.

[breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** My play? My play is you sound like shit and I don’t like it. You haven’t fucking talked to me in too long, too much has happened, and I should have been there.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You could have been there. You - made your own fucking decisions. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Of course, Tony, I just diverted all my resources for three months to bring you back just so you’d never speak to me again. I got exactly what I wanted, didn’t I?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- what?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Absolutely, I always wanted you to cut off all contact just because I ran a few negative stories after you didn’t seem to give a damn that I _found_ you after everyone else had-- I hesitate to say ‘given up,’ since at least one of them was actively trying to murder you, but--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t fucking joke about this, Ty. Rhodey found me. Rhodey was looking for me for months. He was there, in the helicopter, the first face I saw running at me when I thought he’d died in the fucking crossfire -- don’t, you don’t get to fucking joke about this.

[breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [laugh] Rhodey. Who do you think gave him the fucking coordinates? The US Military?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They -- were looking for me, I held half their defense contracts at the… 

[silence]

What are you implying? That your sorry ass took a break from flouncing around in Europe to look for me? You -- wait, did you?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That son of a bitch didn’t tell you anything. He just took all the credit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- you don’t understand. Nobody fucking understands, they act like they get it, but it’s fucking - I can barely fucking think about it. I don’t talk about it. I never asked.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Of course I don’t understand; I’ve never been held hostage in a cave and had an electromagnet planted in my chest. It’s not exactly a common experience.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why do I even bother with you, why do I even try? Fuck.

[breathing, ice clinking]

Whiskey.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’ll get you more whiskey. Pick up your Starkpad.

[ice clinking, footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

[shifting, plastic scraping]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [liquid pouring]

JARVIS, play back my last login from May, 2008.

 **JARVIS:** [silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….JARVIS?

 **JARVIS:** The length of this record will likely cause a delay in meeting Miss Pott’s train.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** For fuck’s sake, the train is fifteen minutes away. We have time. Just show him the visuals.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

[silence]

You...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m not apologizing for hacking into your system. It was necessary.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallow]

Nobody told me. I -- didn’t know.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, apparently, there are a lot of people who don’t tell you a lot of things, aren’t there, gumdrop? 

Maybe you should be reconsidering which friends you let stick around.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shaky breath]

They must have had their reasons. I wasn’t quite -- stable, when they brought me back.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** They’re a bunch of shitheads who aren’t worthy to be within a mile of your presence.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s… not true. 

I wish they’d told me. I would have… done things a bit differently.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Which is exactly why they didn’t tell you. None of them can stand when I’m right.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It wasn’t just about you.

[silence]

Thank you, Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t thank me if it’s not just about me. Just don’t keep me waiting while you let your superhero friends to screw you over.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s all you do, Ty. All you ever did. 

[sigh]

I know that you don’t see it the way I do. But you just show up and you screw me over, and over, and over again, and then act fucking put out when I stop calling.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Then why did I find you when everyone else had stopped looking? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They didn’t stop.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** They never really tried.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** See? You fucking -- you do this, you want too much, you can be such a fucker, sometimes.

[breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I want too much? You’re over here asking me to fix things for your fucking star-spangled _ex-boyfriend_ , sleeping in my bed and calling me by his name, agreeing to start an _entirely new_ business venture with me to save _him_ from a smear campaign…Which, I may add, _I_ offered? But I want too much? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You always fucking do this. How many “I”s were in that sentence? You know I love Pepper dearly. Rhodey is like a brother to me, and even if he didn’t tell me you were backing him up, I know him well enough to know he had a reason. You can’t change that..

I’m grateful, Ty. I feel shitty, not having known. I’m gonna have to talk to both of them. But -- you can’t just be my friend, sometimes it feels like you want -- I don’t know, what are you expecting me to do here? Kiss your fucking feet?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m not expecting anything. I’m trying to help, and all you’re doing is hurling insults at me. 

[snort]

Although you look fucking gorgeous with my toes in your mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … god. I didn’t mean to insult you. You just fucking piss me off, sometimes.

[shifting]

.… come here, can I....?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [rustling] God, yes. 

The feeling’s mutual.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] Sometimes I think you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. You don’t make a move unless you perceive it to be of a tactical advantage to yourself. It’s fucking ridiculous. It’s pattern behavior - I know the pattern and like you anyway. Half the time I wish I was _more_ like you. 

[silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Like me anyway? That’s the most intense emotional outpouring you can muster? 

[inaudible]

Of course I do what’s most advantageous-- and seeing you happy _is_ to my advantage. Or maybe it’s not. I never see you anymore unless you’re miserable or I pay off a catering hall. 

[inaudible]

I like you anyway.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

[kiss]

 _That_ is my fault.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I wasn’t exactly about to take the blame for it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Things are so different, now.

 _He_ was part of this new me I thought I could build. I keep forgetting that you can’t upgrade people like you can a machine. Or armor.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I don’t see anything wrong with what you already are. All you do is try to help people, and they leave you. Whatever you want to say about me, I’d never do that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I guess -- you really haven’t.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And I won’t. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

I …. I need to go. I need Pepper. I have to start mobilization -- it’ll take hours to get to Peru.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] You’re going to Peru? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If that’s what Steve needs. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You’re going to let these people bleed you dry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s _Steve._

[cough]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** The same man your father went around the world searching for instead of paying attention to the people who gave a damn about him? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

He didn’t know. That had nothing to do with him.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Your precious fucking Captain America isn’t my concern. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, he’s mine, Ty. I -- 

It doesn’t matter.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know that’s how I feel about you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know.

I have to go. [footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you know I’ll fix all of this for you. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let -- go. I don’t have time for this right now.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Fuck you. Who’s screwing over whom? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get that I haven’t been the best friend, T. I got a little… caught up.

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** No shit, T. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But I _have_ to go.

[inaudible] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Call me later; we’ll work out the details of the agreement. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Yeah.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

I’ll take you away somewhere when you get back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m half-afraid you’ll say Bali... 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Bali’s been done. It’s gotta be somewhere that isn’t on the sex tape. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

Always the romantic.

[kisses]

Talk to you later. Wear actual pants; pajamas are _so_ last night.

[footsteps]

[door closing]

{{Saving…}}


	523. That way lies despair

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: PENNSYLVANIA STATION NEW YORK, NY 10001 ]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

 **ANNOUNCEMENT:** Train 2150, the Amtrak Acela Express scheduled to arrive at 7:42 AM is now entering the station on Track 8 East. 

[footsteps, crowd noises] 

[shuffling, coughing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, baby.

What’s a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** If you-- _Tony_. You startled-- I didn’t expect-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can I get your bag?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** It’s not very heavy. I-- 

[sigh] 

Yes, of course you may.

[kiss] 

Here. How are you-- holding up? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Define “up”.

[kiss]

Thanks for coming. You look great.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You look like you’ve been run over by a train. Thank me once everything’s taken care of. Where’s your car?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Feel a bit that way, too. C’mon - I parked illegally on eighth. 

[footsteps]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Why would you- of course you did. 

[crowd noise]

[escalators whirring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What are they gonna do, tow me? I wasn’t gonna make you walk with your bag, and I didn’t figure you’d appreciate a pickup in the suit. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** What? No, that wouldn’t have been conspicuous at all, Tony.

No word from Steve? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not exactly. I heard from someone claiming to have him in custody; she was also involved in the whole luring-him-into-a-dark-alley-shanking-him-and-letting-him-bleed-to-death thing that went down last Tuesday. I just spent fifteen thousand dollars chartering a plane to deliver supplies to Peru.

[wheels rolling, trunk slamming shut]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Fifteen thousand dollars on the word of someone who tried to kill him? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I'd rather be out the cash than deal with -- any alternatives. I can't deliver them now; even if I believed her, I don't want to draw attention to them. If I don't hear from him by noon I'm going myself.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** ...You have to, don't you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I'll hate myself if I don't.

[engine rolling over, starting]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** And how’s Ty? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s fine - and aging like a fine fucking wine, the bastard. Only wrinkles he's got are in attractive places.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [snort] A boxed wine, maybe. If I’m feeling generous.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, I’m not asking you to like the guy. But … he has a proposition for us.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Really? Tiberius Stone has a proposition for _us_? Is this going to be like the time in Puerto Rico when he--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A _business_ proposition.

[car door opening]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Well, he’s tried the other kind of proposition enough--

[car door slamming]

\--to know that that’s a no-no for me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For the record, I still think the Puerto Rico idea was _inspired_.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Inspired if you like whipped cream and latex, yes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who doesn’t, really? I mean, present company excluded. I know you don’t like latex or whipped cream or smiling or fun.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I like all of those things. Except for latex. You know I’m allergic to latex.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s right, latex, strawberries, and sunshine. See? You knew I’d get it straight eventually.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Not sunshine. It does start with an S, though. I’m not giving you a hint.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stark? Because that explains the sabbatical --

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Close.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooch] Swordfish. And kiss my ass.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m impressed. [smooch] You remembered a thing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I only forget when I’m distracted, or busy, or don’t need to remember.

But seriously, Pepper. He offered to contract SI for all his energy needs. 

All of them. Forty-six states.

[engine rolling over]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [silence]

What did he ask you for in return? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing explicit. I’m sure further demands will come out once the legal teams chew on it -- I suspected he was after the arc reactor tech, but he seemed alright with grid rights rather than proprietary tech… other than that, nothing.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Nothing but a slumber party, I assume. How do we know he’s not responsible for the-- well-- for any of this? I know Nazis aren’t exactly his style, but how many times has he hacked into your surveillance before? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Only twice.

That I know of.

I don’t know; I feel like if it was really Ty, he’d have been a lot closer than Bali on New Years - he’s the kind who returns to the scene of the crime to admire his handiwork, who stands around and picks up the pieces for the PR. Also -- I sort of upset him. He was acting weird about it.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You can’t upset Tiberius Stone. That requires emotions. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I had a panic attack, and his reaction was - very Ty, but also kind of not-Ty. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Panic attacks? Oh, Tony. Are you--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It's fine, it's under control.

Pep, I know I’m not the best judge of character, but I genuinely don’t think he’s involved.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** But he’s finding some way to benefit from it. Classy, as ever, I see. So, what do you need me to do? Have you spoken to the Board yet? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You asked me to wait, so I waited. It’ll be a long-term partnership, I wanted your input.

I think we can use it, if we’re careful.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I think if it were anyone but Tiberius, I’d be ecstatic. I want you to find out exactly what he’s expecting to get from you. Get it in writing. If it’s personal, get it _notarized_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can do.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Just remember the 2004 wager every time you want to agree to anything he says. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You realize he doesn’t _want_ to be horrible, right? He just can’t help it.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Which is worse, and you know it. There’s no reasoning with someone who doesn’t see what they’re doing wrong. 2004, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[shifting]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** See? You can find much better shoulders to cry on. 

[rustling] 

What else? Do you know what you want to do about the photos? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Your shoulders have always been the best shoulders.

I don’t know. My gut instinct was to fucking rip a few new ones, sue the shit out of these worthless paparazzo trash sites, but … I don’t know. Ty came up with the idea of burying it behind a bigger story, hence the merger.

It’s strange. I feel like I should be protecting Steve, even though it’s not my job anymore.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** It isn’t your job anymore. I’m probably the last person on earth to scold you over that, since, well, I ran up here to take care of you, but it’s not. I don’t-- he just broke things off? Did he say why? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He had things to do. Didn’t want me to worry. Didn’t want me to go with him. I don’t know -- it was all tied up in this stupid fucking self-sacrifice thing he gets off on.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** That doesn’t sound like anyone _I_ know.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Har dee har.

I know I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. I just -- I really thought…

[silence]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** _We_ really thought, too. It happens. Frankly, two people with opposing hero complexes sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Disaster and fucking amazing sex. 

Oh well. There’s alway Ty.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Noooo, Tony. What do we say about Ty? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh] “Remember the wager in 2004…”

Or was it “that way lies despair”?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [sigh] Either one. Take your pick. Honestly, Tony, with all the exes you have, you can’t find one a little more palatable? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing is palatable once you’ve had Steve Rogers on your arm.

Metaphorically. Since he never actually let me escort him places.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** So, what, you have to dumpster dive? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I just don’t want to fuck up anything new. My relationship with Ty is already as fucked up as it could be, so it’s kind of a nothing to lose scenario.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Other than your last shred of dignity.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I bought Steve a fucking dog. My dignity is dead.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You bought him the dog before you broke up with me. That doesn’t count. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [weak laugh]

I think it still counts. I’m stuck with him - walks and midnight barkathons and everything. He sleeps on Steve’s side of the bed. I hate dogs.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Better dogs than Tiberius Stone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Moose is slightly offended, being included in the same sentence as Tiberius Stone.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You named the dog ‘Moose?’ Please tell me this is one of those Steve Rogers twenty-seven-year-old things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve put it to a vote. You know. Democracy and shit. America.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Oh, for heaven’s sake. And this is the boy who walks around growling at people that he’s not Captain America? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Exactly.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I’m trying to understand what, exactly, outside of his physique, is so appealing to you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know.

Everything, I don’t know. Awkward teenage crush aside, he just sort of… fit with everything I’m doing now, and everything I could see myself doing in the future. I don’t know.

I miss him, Pep. It hurts like hell.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [rustling] I know you do. But he’ll come back. It sounds like...well. It sounds like he’s doing the more dramatic version of what you did, when we split. If that’s possible. I guess it’s possible if you can find Nazis. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Honest to god Nazis. How is this my life.

He’s … not a very stable guy. I don’t think he’s planning to come back.

[garage door opening] 

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/BUNKER/2014/02/19/0800.txt}**

{{TRANSFERRING INTERNAL NETWORK}}

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014.3.07/09:03}**

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** I...Tony, are you seeing a therapist? 

[car parking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I mean, I tried to talk to Bruce, but apparently he’s not “that” kind of doctor....

[car door opening]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** No, Bruce is probably not qualified. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was worth a shot.

Becky's worked weekly appointments back at the old place into my west coast schedules. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Good. That's good. I'm glad Becky's working out so well. I feel like there are some things I want to say to you, but they’d probably-- 

[car door closing]

[trunk slamming]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** \--they’re the kinds of things that should come from _that_ kind of doctor. 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I actually had two interviews lined up to meet new docs when all of this shit went down. I was just a little focused on… well. Steve.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You do that. Get focused on people-- or things-- to distraction. You did it with the suits. You did it with me. I just-- the things you’re saying about Steve sound...and please don’t take this the wrong way-- unhealthy. Not like the sorts of things a person wants in a relationship. 

[elevator binging]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

It probably _was_ unhealthy. But it was what I wanted.

I mean, not all of it. The weird death wish thing wasn’t really…

….

[elevator doors opening]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Put you in the guest room? East or west?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** East; then I don’t have to set an alarm. Tony. I am the last person who should be commenting on your current relationships. Either of them. Whatever you’re doing. But...really. Death wish? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I’m sorry. You want some breakfast? I’ll make some fucking breakfast.

[pans clanking]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You? Make breakfast? Omelette? Will I get it in three hours? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[burners firing up, eggs cracking]

Steve’s been teaching me, so it definitely won’t be more than two. How do you feel about turkey bacon? Jarvis keeps making frowny-face noises at my cholesterol.

 **Jarvis:** That’s because your cholesterol is too high, Sir. It’s lovely to see you, Miss Potts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The HDL is fine! Fine, I tell you.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Good to hear you’re back on line, Jarvis. I’d love to see this new, improved, non-breakfast-mangling Tony. 

**Jarvis:** Did Mister Stark inform you that he’s begun seeing Tiberius Stone again?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I did, you big fat traitor.

 **Jarvis:** Well, as my consternation clearly failed to register, I felt the need to pass the ball to Miss Potts' capable hands.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** You think he listens to me? If he listened to me, we would have blocked Roxxon from those South America purchases in the first place.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sizzling sounds, spatula scraping] 

**POTTS.Virginia.P.:** How are you doing, there?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [spatula scraping, plate sliding]

Look at that, three and a half minutes.

We do have a shitton to do, so this is a working breakfast, babycakes. You have a few interview questions for me? Fire away, I’ll practice while I flip bacon.

{{Saving…}}

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/TOWER/2014/03/07/0928.txt}**


	524. what the team needs

Bobbi,

Hey, thanks for dropping me a line ~~, it’s been a while~~. I’m not sure you really need any advice when it comes to the team; there’s not a whole lot of it left over, and who is there are people someone like you wont have a hard time keeping in hand. You know how stark operates, don’t take Thor too seriously (pet the cat even though it pees in shoes) and fill out Stark’s debriefs for him when he gets overwhelmed and threatens to set them on fire. You know about stark and cap, too, just “don’t mention the war”.

I’m happy to have SHIELD in the rear view mirror – I assume you know I’m going to work for Stark’s private security. It makes me a little more mobile, gives me more time to spend on the people I care about. 

I want things to be okay too. I’ve been really good lately. Figured some stuff out. 

You might be just what the team needs.

Clint


	525. (See Chapter 15, Section E of the SHIELD handbook)

Stark--

Hill ran your last missive up the flagpole; let me attempt to address some of the more serious issues at stake. I am sure you will recognize the format as I believe it is one Captain Rogers is very fond of. 

1) As a consultant with the Avengers Initiative, you are under instruction to adhere to our verbal harassment policy (See Chapter 15, Section E of the SHIELD handbook). Consider this a written warning; if you continue to write to Agent Hill or any other SHIELD Agent or Contractor in this manner, you will be issued a reprimand and your SHIELD stipend will be docked. 

2) You are already paid for your time, as per your signed Consulting Contract. You have been docked $500.00/month for failure to comply with SHIELD's anti-fraternization since the commencement of your romantic relationship with fellow employee, Captain Stephen G. Rogers. You have been further docked an additional $235.00/month for failure to abide by SHIELD's disclosure policy. These deductions have been reflected in your November, December, January and February pay stubs, should you wish to review them. You can access your pay stubs digitally on your SHIELD account. Since you have not logged into your official SHIELD account in over a year, please follow the instructions on the SHIELD internal homepage to reset your password and other login credentials.

3) As you no doubt have heard, assuming you are reading your emails, I have assigned Agent Morse to assist you. I am also sending two more replacements to the team. These will be temporary assignments pending Romanova's reinstatement. I have pulled quite a lot of strings to clear the ideal candidates, and while the placement is temporary, I believe you will work well with them. 

4) Your team will, for the time being, be fully answerable to Agent Morse. Please direct all reports, complaints (I know you love those) and questions to her.

5) Please let me know if there is any news of Captain Rogers. I assume you are tracking his whereabouts. I assume you are also using SHIELD resources to support him. Let me know if we can be of any assistance.

\--Colonel Nicholas J. Fury, Jr.  
Director, SHIELD


	526. The Lair of the Wondrous Beast

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  


Greetings, Friends, and Salutations from the Great Sands of Egypt! 

I have had the most Astounding Adventure, during which I have been transported upon the Back of a Camel with a Mighty Hump. My Dear Jane informs me that the Camel is a Master of Desert Survival, having adapted its Body to this Harsh Climate. The Great Humps for which the Camel is known are in fact its Source of Nourishment during the Long Periods of Hunger which it may experience in the Wild. 

My One-Time foe, Hyperion, has informed me that he is a Being from a Distant Planet which had been Destroyed by Earth. He claims that the Treacherous Knaves of the Roxxon Oil Company have heaped upon him Great Promises of a Safe Return to a Lush and Thriving Planet of a Match with his own Long-Lost Homeland. In Return, he was charged to serve as Protector of this region against any who might challenge the Fearsome yet Despicable Power of Roxxon Oil. 

Lo, for I have discovered in this Promise a Cunning Ruse, for none such Planet exists. It appears our Nemeses have hoodwinked this Worthy Rival into doing Battle against me! 

My Enemy thus vanquished and now released with his Apologies for falling Prey to this Vile Deception, I shall embark upon the next Leg of my Journey. I hear tell that the Serpent Crown is a vessel of the God Set, brother of the Venerable Osiris. I have done much Research upon your Wikipedia to discover that the Tale of these Two Brothers is not unlike my own recent Tribulations involving my Beloved yet Wayward Sibling. Alas, though I looked for Guidance to help me understand these conflicts of my Own Past, I discovered that their Tragic Rivalry was only put to Rest with the Rise of an Heir, the Child Horus. 

Yet, lo! I have come to the Belief that a certain Relic of Osiris may be the Key to the Destruction of Set's Crown. It is the Knowledge of this Relic which I shall ask from the Sphinx, when I should discover the Lair of the Wondrous Beast!

I shall regale you with further tales once I have completed the next Leg of my Journey. I must, though, register some Despair that my beloved Knut the Viking Chieftain has not been able to accompany me on this Adventure, for I am in a Kingdom which venerates Felines as Holy Servants of the Goddess Bastet. I should love to see my Precious Kitten worshipped and adored as befits one of her Status. 

I shall close this Missive by greeting our new Interim Team Leader. I wish you the Best of Luck, Doctor Morse! My Jane speaks only the best of you and your Diligent and Humble Research into the Topic of Protein Biosynthesis. The Mockingbird is a most Worthy Animal with which to identify, resplendent both in Wing and in Song! It is my Great Wish that we shall feast together upon my Return!

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms  



	527. Girl's Best Friend

[VIASTONE SATELLITE UPLINK V 2.3.02]

[SCANNING DESIRED COORDINATES]

[SCANNING]

[FACIAL RECOGNITION TRIGGERED. TARGET LOCKED] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Christ, aren’t you supposed to have a super fucking metabolism or something? 

[shifting, rustling]

Cold as balls out here when the sun goes down.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hmm…? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Cap? You with me? Hey, hey. Don’t fall asleep again.

[snapping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What?! 

[rustling] 

[breath] 

Ray? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Surprise.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Right. I-- have a-- Rachel? _Rachel_?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Was I not clear enough the first time around? Yes. It’s me. And you’re Steve Rogers, professional dumbass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. [leaves rustling] Ray. Where the hell are we? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** As far from the HYDRA facilities as I could fireman’s carry you. West, I think. You’re a serious dead-weight when you’re unconscious, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What-- 

[breath] 

[leaves rustling] 

You took me _out_ of the mine? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, you went and got yourself captured, so what was I supposed to do? Hang around and watch while Madame Hydra took it out of your hide? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not that I’m not _extremely grateful_ , but...what’s your game, Ray? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laugh] That’s kind of a thin thank you you’re busting out there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Considering you’ve been ganging around with folks who tried to kill me, I’m not sure I should be thanking you yet. 

[shifting] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Whatever, I’m not asking you to join the fan club or anything. You hungry? I have… three and a half calorie mate bars. Kind of taste like dirty biscuits.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] Save them. I can go a while without food. Hell. Rachel. Ray. I need an explanation. Something. Anything. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Preferably something believable.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You wouldn’t believe anything I have to say at this point, would you? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Give me the benefit of the doubt.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [silence]

Alright. Short version: some of my friends are in trouble. Yes, they’re criminal-type friends, but they’ve been good to me and needed help. I’ve been trying to get back at the bastards that have ‘em on the ropes, and have only been marginally successful.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you’re getting back at them by _helping _them?__

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Throwing a wrench in their plans, mostly. They sent me with a team to infiltrate Stark Tower at New Years looking for this… fancy crown thingy that Howard Stark apparently located in the 60’s. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The Serpent Crown. From Howard’s notes._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Winner winner chicken dinner. It’s a magical artifact, from what I gather. Two pieces required for operation._ _

__None of it was in the Tower, but when you guys moved back into Stark’s mansion house they realized they should have looked there first. I have no fucking clue how they missed it the first time around... I suppose Stark hadn’t been out there for years, they figured it was empty._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I think he abandoned it when his parents passed away. So far I don’t see how you breaking into the Tower with them is-- Tony could have died. They wrecked his AI. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, I wouldn’t have let them kill him. I split when the fucking Widow started ice picking people to death; he was in perfectly capable hands. _ _

__Oh, he’s kind of pissed, by the way. I called him and really got an earful… he wouldn’t drop in any supplies until he’s spoken to you, so you’ll wanna get on that._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You...you called him? Called him from _here_?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I used your dogtag. Like you probably should have when you were, you know, _captured by Nazis in a secret underground lair_._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I had it under control. You...how did you know about my…? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You told me. You were pretty out of it, but you said he’d help. _ _

__[snort] Yeah, right._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’ll help. I’ll call him. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Great, make sure he packs us up some fucking sleeping bags, it’s fucking cold out here._ _

__Oh, and shit for s’mores. Seeing as how we’re camping and all._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Smwhats? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You know, chocolatey-marshmallow-sandwiches? Nevermind. Just call the bastard._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Chocolatey-- He’ll help. I’ll call him. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Great._ _

__So. The idea was that if I went with the team I could snag what they were after first, or at least a piece of it, but it wasn’t there. So I convinced the boss-lady we should infiltrate the manor house, set a date, then went a week ahead of schedule on my own. If you guys hadn’t been all naked in the kitchen - not that I really minded the view, just saying - no one would have known I was there and HYDRA would never have gotten the information they needed._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So that _was_ you. Why didn’t you tell us? Tell me, at least? What the hell was the point of keeping that secret? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Gee, maybe because you were under constant surveillance? And the last of our team members they doubted were executed three days before Christmas, so, yeah. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shit. I’m sorry. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Anyway, your team was already kind of falling apart._ _

__I barely got your boyfriend’s stupid Starkpad wiped before it could transmit and prove I was there on Valentine’s. If you’d mentioned me anywhere else near any other transmitter or on any Stark property I’d be fucked. Not worth it._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I would have helped. I would have at least known that that ransom note was a deathtrap. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It was pretty obvious, even without the warning._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] There were children involved. I had to take the risk. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I didn’t know that was in the pipes, Steve. I didn’t want anything to happen to you. You’ve been nothing but decent to me._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I believe you. But if I’d had any idea that there was a connection...or could have been a connection...you had information. I appreciate that your friends were in danger, but the Avengers are equipped to handle these kinds of things. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m sorry, alright?_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If we’re sticking together, you’re going to have to be more transparent._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What’s it look like I’m doing? Okay._ _

__

__Sorry, I just… it was really the last thing I ever wanted to have happen, I didn’t..._ _

__Right._ _

__So… have you figured out where they’re going?_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I found the mine, didn’t I? I...that was my first guess. If it’s not there, I’m going to have to go back to the notes. Your friends...are they still a factor? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Honestly? I have no idea. If they’re free they’ll have gone to ground._ _

__You’re the one who mentioned sticking together - I can take care of this on my own if need be._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I just need to know if you have any weaknesses they can exploit. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t think the controller was there - you were the most heavily guarded thing in that damn cave._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nice to know someone cares. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort]_ _

__I had half talked my way out of my involvement with you and the ransom note, but hauling Captain America out of a mountain full of Nazis definitely showed my hand. I can’t worry about them anymore._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. _ _

__[silence]_ _

__You got...both of us out? Entirely on your own?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Piece of cake. Don’t get distracted._ _

__On Valentine’s day I took two things from the mansion -- the maps that supposedly lead to the Crown itself, and the piece of it Hydra’s calling the Controller. I think you need both bits to get it to do anything particularly terrible, so I thought it was plausible enough to take one and get rid of it, before they knew where it was. I figured they’d eventually give up, assume their intel was wrong._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The ring. Except then you left it in your apartment. Nice work, by the way. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Where else was I gonna put it? Madame Hydra’s cronies weren’t exactly stopping by for tea. And it turns out _ancient magical artifacts_ are kind of fucking complicated to destroy._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So it _is_ magic? What did you try? I don’t recommend icebergs; they do absolutely nothing. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Jesus, take the cowl off and you’re a pretty snark son of a bitch, Steve._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, the cowl’s gone permanently. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah? Well. _ _

__I got the number of some fancy magical doctor - another Steven, actually. But I was under surveillance too, so it was slow going. And, uh. I kind of left his number in New York._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Has anyone ever told you you’re extremely well-prepared?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Says the guy dating a billionaire who showed up at the Nazi party without his fucking shield. Or superhero team. Or a single calorie mate bar._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They stole my shield. You know that. You’re very enamored of these bars. Are they like D-rations? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** D-what? They’re better than eating fucking jungle leaves, Rogers._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** These chocolate bars. They’d give them to us for extra calories in the war, but they were like concrete; I was the only guy who could break them. _ _

__Have you tried jungle leaves?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Your age really shows when you talk about “the war”. And no. Because I have three fucking bars. Be nicer to me or I’ll hunt myself dinner and let you go hungry._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What’s the matter, too young or too old? I’m being nice. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Whatever._ _

__We’ve gotta try and stop them from getting the crown. I left the controller with Becky when they found me in New York, so that’s safe at least. The crown, though…_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They went after Becky. You didn’t know that?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _What?_ You’re -- _ _

__Is she --_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s fine. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [breath] Shit. Shit, shit, shit. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t worry. There’s nothing you can do about it now. They took the controller, or whatever it is, back. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s not good. That’s _really_ not good._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you sure? I was convinced it was excellent news._ _

__I had Howard Stark’s papers; we have them all scanned back in New York, but...they would have been with the tech...that I don’t have anymore._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You pretty much handed them all the info they could have possibly needed, taking that Starkware in with you. Well done there._ _

__I smashed the Starkpad on our way out._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wiped it before they got to me. I...I knew something was off. I'm not _that_ stupid. I'll get another copy from Tony._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, well, you might want to be more careful with it this time, dumbass._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Weren't we being nice? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t have to be nice. I’m not the one who barged onto the scene to lay waste to other people’s carefully laid plans._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Carefully-laid plans to _get magical artifacts stolen_? Can you get a new controller? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, sure. It looked like a priceless ancient artifact, but who knows. Maybe they’re on sale at Target._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wonderful, we can pick up some Iron Man sheets so I can have more nightmares out in the middle of the jungle. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** FYI - and not to creepily remind you how much of your lives I’ve unknowingly spied on - that is really fucking creepy. Who has sheets with his own face on them? Fucking weird. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He makes up for it. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, if you say so. I’ve seen what he’s packing, totally not that impressive._ _

__Argh, damn it. I had a clue, I had a plan - you were too busy fucking like bunnies up there to piece together what was going on. And now here you are, another fucking problem._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was supposed to piece it together, but you’re entirely absolved from telling the truth about it. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m not looking for absolution. Or blatant hypocrisy, so watch it with that whole holier-than-thou tone._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, it’s my tone? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Call your Stark and make him drop the shit we need. We needs the maps if we’re gonna try to head ‘em off at the pass. And a device that can read my flash drive._ _

__We need thermals, UV stuff, warm headgear, first aid gear. Short range walkies would be nice, too. We could -- you know. Call in your “highly trained” superhero hit squad and make this ten times easier, unless you’re really _that_ into self-flagellation._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It doesn’t work that way. This is a solo mission. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I think you might be misunderstanding the word “solo”. _ _

__We could use some backup, especially considering your track record with HYDRA._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We can't. The whole team's answerable to the WSC. I resigned to avoid discipline. You keep saying ‘we.’ like you’re coming along._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Remember the part where you’re the one fucking up _my_ mission?_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Remember the part where you’re the one who handed a priceless magical artifact over to HYDRA? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I handed it over to _your_ team. _You_ dropped the ball._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You put my _civilian ex-girlfriend_ in harm’s way. She’s not part of the team. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Considering she’s your ex, Clint’s girlfriend, and Stark’s PA she’s the safest fucking civilian in New York city. Anyway, I was out of options - and you weren’t there to do better, so don’t fucking criticize my choices._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wasn’t there because I was _lying on an operating table bleeding out_. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** After walking into a situation that had TRAP written all over it in ten foot tall letters --_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That you could have prevented._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m not your fucking mother, Rogers. You can’t keep your own house in order, leave mine out of this._ _

__[footsteps]_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So what the hell is your mission? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [clanking, rustling]_ _

__Find the crown before they do. Acquire and destroy it._ _

__[pack zipping]_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m getting you to an airport. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, right._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not going to put you in da-- further danger. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh _please_. You haven’t put me in any danger, I’m in danger of my own volition and have been for years. Put the chivalry bullshit away already._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [leaves rustling, footsteps]_ _

__Come here._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What? Shit, are you seriously about to Mr. Miyagi me?_ _

__[footsteps]_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Am I what?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** About to test my fucking skills in hand-to-hand combat? See if girly’s good enough to work with you? You are - oh my god. You’re such a walking cliche._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, that doesn’t work if it’s not a surprise! And it has nothing to do with you being a girl. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s bullshit and you know it. All you macho superhero types are the fucking same._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re young and I don’t know how experienced you are. I've worked with plenty of women. The Black Widow, the former Director of SHIELD...I don't give a damn who you are as long as you're competent._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t think you understand - I’m not asking for permission to be on your team. I don’t have to prove myself to you. I already kicked your ass in the mansion. Stark’s, too._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You threw a tear gas bomb. There wasn’t any combat. And I was half-naked and armed with a stainless steel wok. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Uh, entirely naked, if memory serves. What are you armed with _now?_ Cuz I’m packing two glocks and a short blade _that I stole from the Nazis who captured your sorry ass_ , naked or otherwise._ _

__But oh, no, _“you don’t know how experienced I am…”__ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All I’m asking is for you to show me. Or tell me. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Bite me. We’d be better together, but I’m still fucking tops on my own. [pack shuffling]_ _

__Later, Mister Rogers._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]_ _

__Ray. You go out there alone, you’re going to be out of supplies._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I can take care of it._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Jungle leaves? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [footsteps]_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan]_ _

__[rustling]_ _

__[stumbling footsteps]_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Are you -- following me? You can’t fucking walk. Sit down and phone home._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can walk just fine. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re fucking unbelievable. Are you normally this…? _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are _you_?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Always._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What do you need? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You to stop being a self-righteous ass and at the very least offer to air-lift me in supplies before we go our separate ways. If you’re gonna be a _gentleman_ you might as well be a useful one._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _was_ offering. And we’re not splitting up. That’s asinine. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re asinine._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] We’re sticking together. And If you get hurt, I’m putting a tracking device on you and calling Tony._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nope._ _

__You don’t get to fucking decide what I do, Steve. This isn’t _your_ mission, and I don’t need your teacher/father/whatever-this-is complex coming between me and what I need to get done. If you’re gonna threaten to tag me and send me home with my tail between my legs, I’d rather take my chances alone._ _

__[leaves crunching, pack rustling]_ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [leaves crunching] Well, competing against me, that’s a brilliant strategy. Do you-- I killed myself to get rid of these people. Turns out I’m incredibly bad at suicide _and_ murder. But it’s my fault they’re still around. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I can see why that would inspire you to fucking go it alone this time around. Look - I know your story, I saw the shitty eighties comic book movie as a kid, whatever. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, and comics are always so true-to-life. Do I _look_ like a comic book character? _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m just saying you’ve got a hero complex a mile wide - but you don’t have a monopoly on being shat all over by these people and wanting to bite back._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe not. But I’ve been at it longer. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Have you? I bet I have more actual ground time than you, and I worked for my skills… no secret sauce involved. _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The serum isn’t magic. I trained for years and spent most of them getting the lights punched out of me. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You had a shit teacher, then._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He was one of the best men I’ve ever known, and I’d appreciate you not insult the dead._ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh yeah? Would this guy he have approved of you running alone into mountains full of Nazis, or would he tell you to take the fucking highly trained agent who fucking broke into both Stark Tower and Stark Mansion in a matter of weeks? _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He would have come with me and _gotten killed_. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You don’t get to decide what choices other people make for them! _ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not being hypothetical. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Neither am I - HYDRA killed three of my teammates. I’d rather die on the ground here than go to ground and spend the rest of my life running, so you can kiss my ass._ _

__If you actually cared about getting this done you’d be picking your team and maxing your odds. And I don’t see a lot of volunteers around here, all thing considered._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Last I heard, you were the one marching off into the jungle alone. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fuck off, Steve. Enjoy your “solo mission”._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]_ _

__What else do you need Tony to send?_ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Diamonds._ _

__I know he can make them. I left one on the floor of your living room on Valentine’s Day._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll get you diamonds. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Good man._ _

__After all, they’re a girl’s best friend._ _

__**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] Let me call Tony. It’s getting cold; I don’t want you to freeze. _ _

__**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** A’right. I’ll save half a Calorie Mate for you. Tell Stark I said “hi”._ _

__[TARGET OUT OF DETECTABLE AREA]_ _

__[SIGNAL LOST]_ _

__[RETARGETING]_ _

__[SCANNING]_ _


	528. Think of the Children!

Hey, T--

I know you wanted a look at what the press was saying. _Bugle_ 's actually been pretty tame on this one; their cover story is about that crackpot life-sized spider stuff again. It's pretty even coverage, I guess? Nothing too gross? I guess they still feel bad about the paternity suit. Or maybe they're expecting this one to be a fake, too.

Pepper emailed and said she was coming to town, do you guys need me to make dinner reservations or get you tickets to anything? Just LMK. And tell me as soon as you get hold of Steve? I've gotta chat with your PR folks again. 

\--Becs

**Sound off with the _Bugle_ : Superhero Love in an Elevator**

It's been 48 hours since illicit photos of Tony Stark _literally_ tangling with Steve "Captain America" Rogers burst onto the scene, and it's literally all anyone's talking about-- except for the men themselves.

With radio silence from the Avengers Initiative, Stark Industries, or either the Captain or Mr. Stark, we're all left speculating on the matter-- not that we mind having more excuses to check out the steamy pics! But we're wondering what the deal is: is there romance in the air at Stark Tower? Was it a one night stand? A really great photoshop job? Here's what our readers had to say:

"I don't mind these superheroes doing whatever it is superheroes do-- as long as they keep it behind closed doors. Think of the children!" -M. Gerdes, Attorney

"I just don't know how I feel about those sorts of people being role models for our boys and girls." -V. Michaelson, retired teacher

"It's embarrassing that we don't teach proper knot-tying in public schools anymore. Did you see that shit job Stark did lashing Rogers to the safety rail? What was that, a basic overhand? I want to know where my tax dollars are going! Our education system is a shambles!" -W. Wilson, ice cream salesman

"I think it's so romantic! I keep going back and watching news footage of them over the past few months, and you can just see it in their eyes; this has been a long time coming. I hope they get married!" -"MJ," high school student

"The work these men do is unimaginably hard, and I admire them both immensely. Tearing open their personal lives is cruel and unconscionable. I'm sure they're both doing the best they can." --M. Jones, retiree

"Why the hell are we talking about these guys' sex lives? Is this the worst you have on them? They're both criminals in our midst, and we let them get away with murder, but one ***** on an elevator and everybody's up in arms?" --N. Spanier, Law Enforcement

"Well, first I was like, oh my god, Captain America is gay? And I was super stoked, but then I was like, has anybody else noticed that we haven't even seen him in almost three weeks? Tony Stark's PA has _totally_ been walking Cap's dog. And now these photos are out and he's not saying anything? What's his deal? Is he okay? My friends keep telling me I'm crazy, but the lack of Cap in the park has been seriously distressing! And, um, I don't know that because I've been watching or anything." --W. Kaplan, student 

"Captain America and Iron Man have both done this city proud. I fail to see how what they do with their private lives has any impact on the role they've taken in improving New York for residents and visitors alike." - NYC Councilman Andrew Bolt

Stay connected! Tweet us your answers at [@nycdailybugle](https://twitter.com/nycdailybugle)


	529. Good Luck and Congratulations

P.S. Spoke too soon, check out THIS monstrosity. 

Oh boy, no wonder he seemed so confused. 

WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE. JUST. WHO. 

\--B

**The TRUTH behind the Captain America/Iron Man Sex Scandal:**

_"I'm a Woman!" says a confused Cap!_

**READ IT HERE ONLY IN THE GLOBE-- NO OTHER NEWSPAPER HAS THIS STORY.**

As sexy snapshots of Captain America and Tony Stark hit the internet (only to stop abruptly several hours later, presumably at the behest of the Stark stable of lawyers), concerned citizens raised the question: Where IS the Star-Spangled Man these days?

No one has seen Steve Rogers since February 22, the same day that Clint Barton, AKA Hawkeye, was signed in to St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital, purportedly for a dumpster-related accident.

But was it Hawkeye at all? Witnesses suggest that it may have been Captain America himself under the knife-- changing his sex to begin life as a woman!

A source close to the Captain claims recent discoveries revealed that the supersoldier serum greatly increased the quantity of estrogen in the hero's blood and chemically affecting his Y chromosome to make it function more like an X-- that's right, effectively changing Captain America into Lady Liberty.

The only thing left to make the change complete was some good old-fashioned American plastic surgery!

Our source says Cap, now known as Sarah Rogers, after her late mother, is well on her way to recovery and excited about the designs for her new, more ladylike costume.

"She was very worried about her blossoming romance with Mr. Stark," said a friend. "Being from the 1940s, she's very old-fashioned, and the gay thing never felt right to her. Now, with her new body, she's looking forward to planning a wedding for Spring, 2015."

Well, Lady Cap, we say good luck and congratulations!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lady Cap costume by [datura-riot](http://datura-riot.tumblr.com) ([on Etsy here](www.etsy.com/shop/ThePotionsMistress)) and modeled by [wotchertonks7](http://wotchertonks7.tumblr.com) ([on Etsy here](https://www.etsy.com/shop/jennysoubliette?ref=s2-header-shopname)), used with permission!


	530. Stone stone stone

[chiming music, jingle] All the latest in entertainment news,  
FM One oh two point niiiiiiiiine  
B-B-B- _Buzztalk_!!!  
[whispered voice] By Viastone (stone, stone, stone)

 **HOST1:** Welcome back, brave listeners – boy oh boy, has the entertainment news been hopping this week! Our phones have certainly been ringing off the hook and I’m sure you can guess why.

 **HOST2:** That’s right! _The Scandal at Stark Tower!_ Now, Tony Stark is no stranger to the scandal scene, but Steve Rogers! He’s been a busy guy this year!

 **HOST1:** A love child and a now a set of photos just shy of the sex tape – at least the good Captain’s getting the swing of the 21st century. Now. For those of you who have been living under a rock this week, let me just go over what we know. Tony Stark, A.K.A. Iron Man, was photographed, apparently via internal security feeds, with Captain Steven G Rogers in a rather…compromising position.

 **HOST2:** Mr. Stark spared no time in leveling his hard-hitting legal team at any websites hosting the images, citing a violation of privacy laws. We’ve seen this kind of suit before, usually when celebrities – think Pete Wentz or Paris Hilton – have had their blackberries or personal computers hacked. These images do appear to be legitimate security footage. Do you think Mr. Stark is right to sue?

 **HOST1:** Psh, you know how I feel about Tony Stark.

 **HOST2:** [laughter]

 **HOST1:** I’m serious! Every time he’s got something big in the works, another magical headline appears. Remember the pre-Starkphone massage therapist sextape? Or the rumors about him sleeping with that caterer at a wedding before the first Starkpad rollout? 

**HOST2:** Come on, come on, that’s all water under the bridge!

 **HOST1:** I’m just saying, I’d bet dollars to donuts we see a major corporate announcement in the next week or two. It’s like clockwork!

 **HOST2:** What about Captain Rogers? He’s getting a lot of flack from family organizations over the whole gay thing –

 **HOST1:** I don’t think you have to be gay to make out with Tony Stark in an elevator – seriously, who would pass up that chance? Anyway, he’s a great American hero. He just needs to spend a little less time with Tony Stark.

 **HOST2:** [laughter] Maybe he owed Stark one – he _did_ employ Stark’s legal team during that whole fake-grand-paternity idiocy last month!

 **HOST1:** I read on TMZ that that’s in the process of being dismissed. Apparently the family’s dropped all charges? Best money lawyers can buy, I tell you what.

 **HOST2:** Alrighty, we’re going to be taking a few callers -- call 11S-TONE and let us know what you think about the newest Action at the Avengers Tower!

 **HOST1:** Right after a word from our sponsors and parent company.

[chiming music, jingle] All the latest in entertainment news,  
FM One oh two point niiiiiiiiine  
B-B-B- _Buzztalk_!!!  
[whispered voice] By Viastone (stone, stone, stone)


	531. The pot or the kettle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene includes a very intense, emotional argument about relationships. You have been warned.

[LVL 43 - PENTHOUSE SUITE / MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC: BANNER.Robert.B., POTTS.Virginia.P., ROMANOVA.Natalia., STARK.Anthony.E. STARK-Rogers.Moose]

{{SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}}

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** Yes, please, another cup would be wonderful, as long as you’re up, Bruce. So...let’s look at Question Four again. I think we can pare these down even more, if we’re really going to wait for the joint press conference with Viastone.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just -- too much parsing and we lose the emphasis on the deal, which is the whole point of the deal.

Well, that and the plentiful bounty of future government contracts in clean energy.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Green or black, Tony?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Green or black. Tea.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m drinking -- uh. Green, I guess. Since it’s you asking and all.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bring out a pot, love; I think we’re all going to want another round. But I see what Pepper is saying about Question Four; I think it’s redundant since we re-shaped the answer to six. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you sure we can’t have at least one or two allusions to my fabulous world-saving heroics in there?

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** We all know you’re going to ad-lib those in as it is. When have you ever stuck to the cards? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure there’s been at least one or two times, when out of despera--

 **Jarvis:** Sir, Captain Rogers’ data feed is live.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chair scraping] I’ll -- I’ll take it -- on my mobile.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want to take it alone, or do you want one of us with you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alone, I think. Alone. J, record the call?

 **Jarvis:** As always, sir.

[footsteps]

[door sliding shut]

[beep]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...hello?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony? Tony, is that you?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s me, Steve. Are you alright? Are you hurt?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Fine, apart from a little dizziness and dehydration...but I can go a little longer. I’m more concerned about Rachel..._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s actually with you? She called from your com, I thought she’d stolen it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _What? No, the first thing she told me when I woke up was that my asshole boyfriend wouldn’t help her without hearing from me._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. She’s a little slow on the uptake, that one. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _That’s not-- she’s just young, Tony._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s no excuse for double dealing. She nearly got you killed in New York. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _She’s not double-dealing; she’s--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Though it sounds like you’re doing a bang-up job of closing the deal-- captured by Nazis? It’s been days.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Glad to hear your voice, too. Look, we need help out here._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** If you’d just let me --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know you can’t.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Yeah, you made that clear.

I have supplies twenty minutes out. Didn’t want to send them in without knowing she was legit -

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s legit; she’s just got terrible judgment.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, goody. She can join the fucking club then. We oughta make t-shirts.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Great; you can send those along, too. What have we got? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s nothing too fancy, but survival gear, meds, and some low-grade tech. Are we clear to drop?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I think so; we made good distance; we’ve got a hill to our backs...I need Howard’s notes once we have the tech? Armor. Weapons. I lost...well...anything I took in with me._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If they took information off your Starkpad, they’ll be miles ahead of you by now.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I used the emergency self-destruct as soon as I realized there was a problem._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you’re…. still unarmed.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _No, Tony, I infiltrated their secret hideout and they handed my goddamn shield back. Ray’s got some weapons. That’s it._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

And you’re trusting that pink haired little --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Really? Namecalling? She’s helping me._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Helping? You didn’t see how -- she’s a bad guy, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _She’s not a bad anything._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She set my server room on fire. _She hacked Jarvis._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _How many times am I going to have to tell you I **did not do that**?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** She sitting next you you? Steve, this is fucking --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We’re in the jungle, Tony. Of course she’s here._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _And your computer started that fire himself._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Excuse_ me?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I told you this already, sheesh. Your computer. I went to try to undo the-- whatever Viper did to your computer, and your computer tried to set me on fire._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, he always was an excellent judge of character.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Really? Fuck off._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Can the two of you please just try to work together here?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not feeling super inspired, Cap. I thought -- we were having a conversation, and she’s just listening in because she fucking feels like --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Enough. Tony. Ray knows what’s going on; we agreed to do this together. I need her help._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….I’ll order the drop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Thanks. Look, I know this isn’t ideal, but--_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[snort]_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is so far from ideal, you have no fucking -- listen, Cap. I need to talk to you. Somewhere without… ears.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ray?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, yeah, I get it… [footsteps]_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s _Ray_ now? After she gassed me in my own kitchen? Lovely.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _She’s a scared kid, Tony._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s almost your age.

Look, I don’t want to talk about Rachel. We’ve got a sort of problem.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Go ahead._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Someone -- HYDRA, ask fucking _Rachel_ \-- someone published photos of us. Photos from the tower surveillance feed. They’re all over the news. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Us...as in me-and-you us?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Pretty explicitly us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[silence] Damn. Please not the, uh, elevator._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _It’s the elevator, isn’t it?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mostly. 

Look, I need to know what you want me to do with this. 

I can deny in, claim the photos are fakes...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Denying it would be a little far-fetched, don’t you think?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Photoshop claims, plausible deniability, a little creative legal work...It could work. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ahem. Like it worked in Japan?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Some things don’t need to be public.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _It sounds like it already is. What does public opinion look like? Are people furious?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Everything from yay-a-new-gay-icon-is-born to burn-in-hell-get-your-paws-off-our-flag. Pretty much what you’d expect, but with extra bonus yelling on conservative talk radio.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Are you-- handling it all right? What about SHIELD?_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury knows. He’s known since November. Docking my pay, wah wah. I’m as fine as you might expect, given the circumstances. It’s not exactly improving my mood.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Docking your...what? He didn’t dock my pay. He didn’t-- since **November**?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Apparently. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _How did you not notice he’s been docking your pay since **November**?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Apparently pay stubs are a thing -- I usually just check the DOW.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _The DOW like the stock market? What does that have to do with your--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m just saying, the stipend is like lunch money. I’d forgotten they were actually paying me a rate; the project rate is where I really stick them.

You’re missing my point.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You forgot a paycheck that’s bigger than mine. What’s the point?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck’s sake, you like my money well enough when it’s fucking air-lifting supplies across Peru at six hours notice. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m just-- never mind._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How do you want me to handle this? Deny, deflect, dismiss -- I’ve already filed three lawsuits against the websites in question and I’m in talks with Ty to get the photos pulled off all of Viastone’s channels. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ty-your-ex-boyfriend-Ty?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, the other mass-media Mogul with a stalkerish 30 year crush on me. Yes, that Ty.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I thought you didn’t trust him._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Beggars can’t be choosers, gumdrop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _...So, what, you’re going to get mixed up with him again just to pull some photos everyone’s already seen from television? Is there a reason we don’t...just own it?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why the hell would I do that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Why wouldn’t you?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ‘cause I’m not super into the idea of doing press conferences about -- us. I’d rather chew glass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well, just give me a moment and I’ll run back up to New York to help you with that._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, if you want to come out and do a big tell-all or whatever when you get back, that’s fine. I’m coming out of this looking stronger, not weaker.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _And what, it’s a competition? The only reason I was-- the people who are going to hate me are going to hate me now no matter what we do; it’s a sunk cost. I’m alright with it._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who said anything about a competition. I’m just saying -- look. You know I still care about you. But what you do with that can’t be my priority -- I have a company to look after.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I know you have those oil assholes breathing down your neck, but how the hell is that--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** HAH -- oil and gas-holes -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Can you **please** stop joking for once?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine, fine. Just saying. Ty’s willing to get in bed with SI--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well we fucking knew that already._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who isn’t, really?

I’m hashing out details today, looking at a contract deal that will hopefully eclipse some of the spin, let you figure out what you want to do with it. I’m hitting the legal angle -- private photos, private property, slander, etc etc.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _So you’d rather do business with him that be honest about me?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I intend to do both. I just don’t want to focus on my love life, or lack thereof, on national television. Tell it was a one time kind of thing, nothing official -- whatever, I really don’t care.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Then what do we do when I get back?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We figure out how to be on a fucking team together without killing each other, assuming of course that S.H.I.E.L.D. leaves the Avengers Initiative alone and allows you to be re-instated. And Clint’s ex-wife gives you back your job. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Clint’s-- Bobbi? Is Bobbi there?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fury appointed her interim team-lead, though she’s still remote. She’s pretty pissed about the photos. Which, to be fair. It was sloppy, letting them be taken. You might have to fight her to get your job back.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony, I’m not working for S.H.I.E.L.D. again._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine. That makes everything easier then, doesn’t it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I don’t-- what do you mean, easier? And you still haven’t-- what do we tell the press?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No awkward bumping elbows at S.H.I.E.L.D. functions, small talk at the water coolers, no bickering arguments over coms -- I could get used to that. Bobbi’s no Cap, but she’s got a pretty nice--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Are you saying you don’t want to work with me anymore? What happened to privatization?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a long way away, Steve. Are you still interested in being part of -- look, that all depends on how we do. I think that’s fair. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _How we do what? I-- of course I’m interested; I thought that’s what we were working toward. You were the one who wanted to speed up the timeline before I left._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, then you left me and quit the team, so…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Oh, for heaven’s sake, Tony, would you stop being so dramatic? You’re still acting like I’m never coming back._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck you. Fuck you and your high horse, I’m here busting my ass to feed and water someone who--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _What the hell is your problem, Tony? You know I’m grateful for the help. Oh, no, wait. That would require reading my emails._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The way you’re reading mine?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _The **one** email you sent?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I sent a slew of them as soon as the photos went public - but oh, right, _Captain America-ing it up_ in a fucking cave full of Nazis. 

Look -- I want to be friends. I want to make it work, I -- I really do, Steve, you’re … important to me, regardless of where we are. But you’re acting like you haven’t spent a single moment’s thought on what you’re asking.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What are you talking about, friends?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- assumed that’s what you’d want. Are you saying you...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _It’s a little bit dismissive, Tony._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m -- I couldn’t be dismissive of you, even if I wanted to be. 

I’m not sure you realize how hellish this is, having this bullshit to deal with on top of everything with us. Sorry. It’s really -- fraying.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You know I’d be there if I could._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Right.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m **sorry**. What do you want me to do? If I can get to Lima, find a radio station, or...do a webcast..._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know, Steve. You wouldn’t say yes to anything I asked, anyway. Just -- don’t ask me to go public about yet another failed relationship alone. I can’t do it. It’s -- nobody needs to know.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Failed? **Really**? Over-- ’Failed’ is a little hyperbolic, don’t you think? What are you going to ask? If you’re going to--If it were even remotely plausible for you to be here--you know it’s a ludicrous proposition, Tony._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not talking about where you fucking are, Steve! I’m talking about _us!_ Unless I nip it in the bud they’re going to start asking questions, and I’ll have to answer them. Don’t dump that on me too.

[knocking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tony, are you -- are you okay? We heard yelling.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [muffling receiver] I-- yeah. It’s fine, Bruce. Just a little - uh - tactical disagreement. You know. Ex-boyfriend, yadda yadda.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Do… you need anything?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [tight laugh] 

No. No. I’ll be out in a minute.

[shifting]

Jarvis? Would you activate noise barriers? Thanks.

Sorry. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[silence]_

_What did you--just--_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Team’s working over the press release in the kitchen.

Guess I got a little loud.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Since when am I your **ex** -boyfriend?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What?_ Uh… since you left my sorry ass for having the balls to question your suicidal South American quest for glory and action? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Were you going to **tell** me? _

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why the fuck would I need to do that? You made it pretty clear how you felt, Steve-o.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _At what point? When I told you I’d love you and would come back?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

I told you how I felt, and you - laughed, and accused me of trying to manipulate you. You told me you were leaving and to do what I needed to to get on without you. Are -- are you saying that’s not what you meant? This … really isn’t funny. 

_You left me._ You -- you left me and ran away to South America.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I left **New York**! I didn’t leave you!_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck’s sake --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _...And we’ve just reached an all-time high in the Tony Stark School of Overdramatic Overreactions._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You told me you were ending it! You didn’t want me to worry! And then you asked me to fucking handle your ops, fund your bullshit, spy on Fury, and fuck you goodbye, and you’re telling me _I’m_ the one overreacting?

[breathing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _How the hell does ‘I don’t want you to worry’ equate to ending things? Tony, how does **any** of that sound like I wanted to end it? You think I’m the kind of ass who would do that, turn around and ask all that of you?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This -- you have to be shitting me. I walked out. I flew to California. I stopped speaking to you for _three days_ and you didn’t notice?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I thought you were upset and needed some time. Or that knowing I was leaving was making you unhappy._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That you were going on a mission alone? I was upset because you’d shut me out and told me to move on. I--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I needed you there and you disappeared._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] I couldn’t be around you every day, without -- how did you not notice that? When I asked you what the hell you were doing in the penthouse? When -- god, you cooked dinner.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Of course I cooked dinner. Of course I noticed you weren’t talking, but the last time I thought you weren’t talking because you were angry at me was **Japan**._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wasn’t angry at you in Japan.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You were furious with me in Japan. I mean. I know you weren’t, but you acted like you were._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, I didn’t. That had everything to do with Pepper and nothing to do with us, jesus christ.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You locked the door to your room and only communicated by missives telling me to leave you alone._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I still wasn’t -- that wasn’t about _you_. This was different.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I know you were angry for different reasons. But you were acting the same damn way. I just thought you needed time alone._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- did what I did when Pepper left me. I just - needed to be somewhere else. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _And I had told you to do what you needed to do. I was-- trying to let you do what you needed to feel better about it._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Well. I thought you meant to do what I needed to do to get over you. Hence, you know. Clint and all.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** “And all?” 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just a -- I need to sit down.

Steve -- you’re telling me you didn’t mean to break up with me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _The part where I **didn’t break up with you** should have been enough evidence of that._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t -- god, I don’t even know where to start with this. You’re making this my fault when I’ve met boulders with more communicative skill. I’m not the common denominator in your accidental breakups, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _At least Becky actually told me it was over and didn’t vanish to California when I was still recovering from **almost dying**._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

Ty was right. It’s Pepper all over again. Oh, god.

[breathing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony. You’re already sitting? Ty?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So are we actually -- I just, I hate to ask, but for the record --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You’re sleeping with Ty._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _And Clint._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Once. It's not gonna happen again.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well, don’t tell Clint that; you’ll deflate his ego._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He knows. We talked about it, come on. There was sort of a traumatic sex injury involved, I nearly lost an eye.

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m sure I needed to know that. Who else?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s … look, this is really none of your business, Steve. Does this actually matter?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Who else?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want to do this. It’s just going to make things worse.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Who else?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jan. Ty took us out. One thing led to another.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Jan? The fashion lady?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We dated on and off for a while - did I ever tell you that she hooked up with both of us the summer after we graduated so we’d stop bickering over her? She’s a hell of a woman.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _No. You didn’t._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It doesn’t matter - Steve. I would never have done that if we were together. I was lonely. Tired of the people kicking me out of their lives.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You’re lonely? I’m stuck in the middle of the jungle, and you haven’t been answering my-- anything. And if you do, you take the first chance you find to misinterpret what I said and run it off a cliff._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wasn’t looking for an excuse - I would never do that. You left me! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I didn’t._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought you’d left me. The last three weeks have been fucking miserable, I can’t put it into words.

Don’t act like you’re so clear and concise, when you never say what you mean. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I certainly didn’t damn well say we were through!_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You didn’t say we weren’t, either, I fucking listened!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Is that how this works for you? I have to tell you we’re **not** broken up? How often? Is there a statute of limitations?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God damn it, that’s not what I mean. I asked if you really meant it, if you were sure, and you were 100% committed--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _If I was sure I wanted to go to South America alone._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Except that’s not what I was asking. You just assume everyone can guess what’s going on in that head of yours --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Says the man who apparently didn’t bother to tell me what he was asking._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay, you’re right. 100%. That’s me, Tony Stark, grade-A fuckup of the century. 

I can’t take any of that back. So can we just, not? Can we -- just figure out what we’re doing, now?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We **slept together** the night before I left. I made you dinner. You kissed me at dinner, and..._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You told me you never got to say proper goodbyes. 

I wanted you to have what you wanted. I can’t deny you anything, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _That’s...you think I would do something like that to you?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I may be a poor judge of character, but people are generally very disappointing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _So you assumed I was, too._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. I guess I did. 

I’ve been pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to tell the press Captain Fucking America dumped me. I need to know if that’s -- still a thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _He didn’t, you self-centered prick. You dumped him._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I would never --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You want to talk about repeat performances? You did the same thing to Pepper. You decided it was over and just started acting like it was over._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- fuck you, Steve. You don’t know anything about what happened with Pepper. _You_ weren’t there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I was there when you were too busy in a lab trying to cure her to actually talk to her._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Talk would do her a lot of fucking good when she went hot and splattered across my condo walls, wouldn’t it? Fuck you, Steve. Don’t you dare fucking talk to me about Pepper and Extremis. You have no idea what that was like.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Do you know what it was like? For her, not for you._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I did my job - I fucking fix things. I fixed her. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well, you’re doing a bang-up job of fixing this._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** How come you get to tell me Bucky’s off limits and then ignore me when draw a line? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You had no problem bringing Becky into this._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You dated her for three weeks - and she’s my friend. It’s not the same. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _And Pepper’s my friend. Or she was. I don’t-- I didn’t date Bucky; I got him killed on my watch. Pepper’s not dead; she’s **teaching**._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- you’re such a stubborn _ass_ , sometimes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Are you the pot or the kettle?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You want your air-drop or not?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Give me the coordinates._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Half a mile south by southeast, dropping in twenty.

[silence]

Steve...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m tired, Tony. I’m in the middle of the fucking jungle, I’m out food and water, I’ve got someone with a distinctly non-supersoldier metabolism depending on me, and my boyfriend’s enacted an entire imaginary breakup that I was unaware of, complete with stalker exes._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t make this entirely my fault. You know this is -- both of us It has our issues, plural and fucking shared, stamped all over it. 

At least the stalker ex is helping me figure out a solution.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well, if you hadn’t decided to sleep with the stalker ex, you might have a solution._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re the one who told me to do what I need to. You weren’t here, I needed someone to get my back. I -- you know, just. Nevermind.

Can we talk about this later? Or when you get home? Assuming you’re coming home.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I don’t know, Tony. I...I’m coming back to New York. Yes._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There should be another Starkpad in the shipment, and a satellite phone.

Tell me if there’s anything you need. I’ll -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I will. I’ll keep writing. Good luck handling the press. You need anything from me, you know where I am._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Great. 

I… be careful.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _T--_

[click]

 **Jarvis:** You’ve ended the call, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

 **Jarvis:** Your guests are at the door, should I--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Lock it. 

**Jarvis:** It might be wise to--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I need -- lock it. Please. 

**Jarvis:** As you wish, sir.

{{Saving…}}


	532. Took the wind out of my sails

T--

Got the drop. One package of food was damaged, but everything else looks intact. Armor's good, thanks, mine fits perfectly (as always) and Rachel's will suffice. If there's a way we can get Rachel a new pair of boots sometime in the future; we'd appreciate it. I'm going to try to find her something in town, but the shoes she has aren't meant for this kind of traveling. She says that if you model something off a Steve Madden women's size 10, those usually fit. I could do with new boots and gloves, too-- something with a little more traction and flexibility. We've been doing a lot of climbing.

I'm sending you some schematics she sketched out for me-- you should look these over; see what you can do as far as fabrication. I'm not saying I approve of everything she's done, but her weapons design is ingenious-- light, mobile, multifunctional. Having some backup would help. In a pinch, throwing knives, darts, anything small and light that can be used as a projectile; she's made herself a slingshot but it feels a little David and Goliath to me. I don't think she's got a range on it that I'd be comfortable with if she's up against anyone with firepower.

If you can re-send Howard's notes, I think we'll be all set.

 ~~Listen, I~~ ~~Now that I have time to think about~~

I don't know what to say. I don't want this message to be all business, but I'm reeling here, Tony. This can't happen. I can't lose focus. ~~My reflexes are demonstrably slower and I think my visi~~ I have to take care of what I'm here to take care of. I'm sorry I shouted at you, I'm sorry I brought up Pepper, but you sort of took the wind out of my sails. 

You know how I feel about you, but this is one damn screwed up way to treat someone you care about. I know we didn't agree about my leaving, but the fact that you even thought for a minute that I would treat you that way doesn't feel right to me. If you don't know me well enough to know that, this isn't something we can resolve while I'm away. And I don't yet know how I want to resolve it. I need to think about what I want. And it's not something I can think about out here. I just know it's not this, not this status quo. You matter to me more than anyone I've met since I woke up, but we need to stop and reassess how we want to matter to each other.

~~The hell with it, JARVIS is going to screen all this out anyway~~

If there's anything I can do from out here to help with the press, tell me what it is. I'll do what I can. As far as that goes, we're still a team and you have my support.

I don't want to end this on a harsh note. Please let everyone know we're all right. Ray says hi to Becky, and she's sorry about leaving her without an assistant. Give Moose a hug for me and tell DUM-E the drawings he's been sending me are great. I'm going to see what I can do about cooking some dinner out here. Thanks for the firestarters.

\--S


	533. Shovel speeches

from: Tony Stark ([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Clarification

So apparently Steve and I had a slight miscommunication about the whole _leaving me_ thing, because he didn’t realize I thought he’d ended our relationship. 

It’s all kind of a little humiliating, so if we could maybe skip the name-calling and get to the part where you make good on your shovel speeches and put me out of my misery, that’d be great.

 

T


	534. Dinner

R&D:

8 PM dinner. You, me, Bruce. This is not a request.

Legal


	535. It was awful.

**{WIDOWSWEB10.9.4.4 SURVEILLANCE MONITOR RUNNING:HOME SYSTEM}**

[dishes on table]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Someday. Someday when we have an hour to kill-- and I do mean _kill_ \-- I will let you teach me. Until then, I’m just going to indulge in having my house smell like that. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** An hour on the outside, I said. I’m sure you could--

[knock knock]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I fuck up potatoes, remember? I think it’s an hour on the outside for people who can actually manage not to burn water.

[kissing] 

Here goes.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [kissing] I love you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] I love you. 

[inaudible] 

I need to-- door-- 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Go! [swatting]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [kissing]

[footsteps] 

[door opens] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh.

Hi.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark. [smooch]  


Moose-moose, hello, boy. [scritching] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Welcome, gentlemen, come in -- Nat, invite them in!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What are they, vampires?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t know.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [claw clicking on hardwood]

[tail thump-thump-thumping against cabinets]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Come in. Are we, ah...hugging or not?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That depends. Are you about to make good on the shovel speech?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Shovel what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** … you know what, nevermind. I guess, hugging … ?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [rustling]

Bruce is almost done with the food. Sit. Can I get you a drink? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** God. Yes, please.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Water or tea?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Long Island.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you drinking again?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was cutting back - but kind of lost my motivation lately.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If all you do is cry and drink, you’ll get dehydrated. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This from the Russian?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Vodka counts as water, and I don’t cry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Vodka, please.

[faucet]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It actually does, you know. Vodka translates as “little water.” Little as in ‘cute.’ 

[footsteps] 

[glass on table] 

Vodka later. Water first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking] You continue to be my absolute favorite.

So.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [couch cushions shifting]

Expand on your email, please. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought it was pretty clear.

[rustling, sitting]

He said one thing. I thought he meant another.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s very detailed coming from a man with an eidetic memory.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

I don’t alway want to remember.

You invited me here for a blow-by-blow? _Really?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m trying to understand what happened. Drink more water. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [footsteps] Cheese and cra-- Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Don’t -- you look awful. Neither of us is angry with you. Here, eat some cheese.

[plate on table]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [thump thump thump]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** You already had some, boy.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Apparently when he told me he was leaving me, he meant in the geographical sense. And I -- being me -- kind of...

I mean, I’m not an idiot. I asked and he clarified, but we were apparently asking and answering completely different questions. And I’m - you know, kind of used to people treating me like shit, he’s so terrible at communicating sometimes, and then I slept with Ty -- and Clint, but really, who hasn’t -- and he realized, and...

[ice clinking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce, have you slept with Clint?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** What?

No. 

I mean, actually no. That time at the motel, I had my own cozy bed all to myself.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Shit. You-- do you still have those photos? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [chuckling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wait, what photos?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The ones of Steve drooling on my shoulder in a motel bed. To be fair, Clint was in the bed, too. I might have been drooling on his shoulder. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That...sounds slightly more gross than sexy. Disappointing.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Cheese. Crackers. Eat.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [crunching]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Anyway, back to my point, which is that, no, not everyone has slept with Clint, and I’d be very angry with Clint if I were still sleeping with him, because I have strong feelings about transitive properties.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t have cooties, you know.

Look - I don’t think… that didn’t matter. It was just, you know. For fun.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** But apparently it mattered to Steve. And I’m fairly sure you do have cooties; my mouth tasted funny for weeks after New Year’s. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh]

Are you -- not actually pissed at me? Because I thought you’d be pissed at me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Why would I be angry? I think you’re an idiot, but I’m not angry. Mostly, I’m concerned you’re going to do something self-destructive because that’s usually your MO when you fuck up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Like…… sleep with my sociopathic ex in exchange for limited media coverage? Yeah. Got it covered.

[ice clinking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do we need to keep you on a chain?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It might help.

I don’t -- Steve was really, really mad. There was yelling. 

I’m pretty sure we’re still not a thing.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Did Steve tell you you weren’t? I think you need clarity before you start worrying and/or feeling sorry for yourself. Steve cares very deeply about you; we all see it. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yes, I feel like...if you learned any lesson from the first conversation, it would be to seek clarity? “Pretty sure” doesn’t sound like clarity.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s trapped in a jungle full of Nazis, it wasn’t really the moment for an impromptu counseling session, team. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You know you...Stark, what’s troubling me about this conversation is that you’re putting all the responsibility for deciding how to define your relationship on him. You do have agency in that respect. You’re waiting for him to say what it is or isn’t? You’re acting solely on his approval or disapproval? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m a sure thing. He kind of gets to decide. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re a sure thing who went out and fucked two other people within a matter of days? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh. Three.

Sex and love aren’t the same thing.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Sometimes they should be, though. It’s obvious that you love Steve. And your decision to be physical with other people is going to affect him whether you want it to or not.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not as much of a romantic as Bruce; it just sounds like you’re seeking one as a replacement for the other. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well - obviously. I mean. Everything pales in comparison when it comes to Steve. But Steve isn’t a possibility here.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Details aren’t necessary, Tony. [chuckling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know if Steve realizes that.

I feel like such an idiot. He just -- he’s not very freaking articulate! I clarified and he was sincere! I left the conversation, the room - I flew to California because I was freaking out. I should have stayed. We could have talked.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, yes. You--- you of all people know that running when you’re scared isn’t always the best maneuver. You clarified in what way, exactly? Because I feel like “we are breaking off our romantic relationship” is something that requires a bit of discussion. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I asked if he was sure, if he actually wanted to -- it was kind of, I mean. In retrospect it was pretty obviously me finding new and improved ways to fuck up all my interpersonal relationships.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You mean you confirmed. But apparently you never clarified what you were confirming. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not defending myself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not accusing you; I’m trying to put the situation into terms. And I’m sure it wasn’t all you. Bruce, have you ever had a conversation with Steve? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** I have. And we’re eating -- quiche, Tony?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He’s eating. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not that --

[scraping, utensils]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** It has bacon. Just for you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Just bring it over to the couch, love, we can eat over here. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Only because you asked so nicely.

[footsteps]

[smooch]

Does Moose do quiche?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He already ate. 

[shuffle]

Thanks.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** As we were saying, I _have_ had a conversation with Steve, and he’s not the most effuse.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Unless it’s a topic he’s confident in. And the more unhappy he is, the less verbal he is. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. I just -- I guess I expected him to do it. And then assumed that he did.

[knife and fork scraping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [groan] Why am I surrounded by men who think they don’t deserve nice things? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** Tragic backstories?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [pillow thump]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hah! Hey, don’t get quiche on the cushions! I have brussel sprouts too, by the way. Very crisp, sauteed with mushrooms and a little butter.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh goody, brussel sprouts.

The real question is -- what do I do now? I have no idea if he wants to, you know. And he’s so far away, trapped in the jungle with some pink haired bimbo with a great rack...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Is that what you’re afraid of? Mmm, sprouts, yes, please. 

[smooch] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The bimbo-rack does make the list, though. She’d be a hell of a lot easier than me

Mostly I’m afraid he’s never coming back and this will never be solved, and the last things I said to him will have been horrible. Or that if he does, he’ll be furious with me. Or--

No. It’s mostly that I’m pretty sure he’s looking for the Captain America version of a police-assisted-suicide. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know I’m not wrong.

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Eat. Tony.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you want me to carry out an extraction? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck yes, I do. 

But I don’t know if he would go with you. Or forgive me. He talks like this is some kind of--unfinished life’s work, or something. I don’t know. What would we do if we brought him back? Institutionalize him?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s why I let him go. Stark, he's ben unhappy here for months. Going on years. He needs to feel like he has some sense of direction and purpose. It might help him in the long run.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silverware scraping, stopping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He did ask you for new armor. And food. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** If he and Rachel are together it means he has someone he feels responsible for protecting. That’s always been a major motivating factor with Steve.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce is right. He won’t put himself at too much risk if he thinks he has someone else he needs to rescue. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She nearly got him killed. She broke into our homes - twice - and set fire to my servers. She’s _not a nice person._ And he’s trapped in the jungle with her. It’s kind of hard for me to feel great about that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, are you aware of how I met Clint? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course I am. But you’re _you_.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I was worse than not-a-nice-person. Do you want me to start listing incidents? I can start with my first assassination. When I was nine. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silverware scraping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not necessary, Nat. I’m not saying Rachel doesn’t -- I just, she hasn’t exactly proven herself here. Aside from skipping over the Picasso during the breaking-and-entering bit. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not sure. Becky might be disappointed in her for that one.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** That depends. It’s not one of his blues, is it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck if I know. Art. How does that work.

Vodka?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sigh] 

[glass clinking] 

[faucet running] 

[bottles rummaging]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you trust Steve’s judgment when it comes to people? 

[liquid pouring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not especially. He wants to believe other people are as good as he is.

[footsteps] 

Nobody’s as good as he is.

[glasses on table] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Vodka and water. Both. 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [thump thump thump thump]

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Hey, Moose likes brussel sprouts! I knew I liked you, pooch. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Lay off - you don’t have to sleep with him. Blech.

[ice clinking, sipping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Ooh, feed him more, Bruce. [laugh] Tony, Steve may be one in a million, but that means there _are_ hundreds of people like him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You say that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s statistically accurate. I’m not saying Rachel’s one of them. I don’t have enough information on her to make that call. She’s not...very well-documented, most of her family is dead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Join the fucking club.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And this crown thing? We have Thor off seeking out ancient gods, and...have you found anything else?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, HYDRA wants it, therefore we can assume it's bad news. I’ve read all through my old man’s notes and it just states that it’s a gleaming golden artifact connected to some ancient Egyptian deity, great power, etc etc…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And mind control.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** And we _aren’t_ more worried about it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We _are._ Steve just wants it all to himself.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I liked my job better when it was just killing people. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [ice clinking]

[sigh]

Alright, is that it? I feel like I’m being interrogated here. Interrogated and force-fed brussel sprouts. Thanks, mom and dad.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I like brussel sprouts. What’s wrong with brussel sprouts?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** They kind of remind me of the Other Guy.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** He’d be a pretty big sprout.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [claws clicking]

[lapping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, moosey goosey.

He’s pretty cute, but I kind of feel like a housewife, stuck here minding the dog while Steve saves the world, or something.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You can play cards with Bruce while I’m on missions? That’s what you do, right, Bruce? Play solitaire till I get back? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** In between the drinking and crying.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, I’ve got that covered then. Any other suggestions?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Save the fucking world? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oddly, I’ve also checked that off the old bucket list too. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [chuckle] Tony, you’re welcome here any time. You could even sleep on the couch, though I’d tease you for it, given the proximity of your massive mansion.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ugh. It’s all Steve, now. The walls, the furniture, the way it smells. It’s awful.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We have a second bedroom. It’s pretty tiny, though. And full of my things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s fine.

I’ve spent my entire life feeling weirdly uncomfortable about this house. I can suck it up.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What can we do? Do you want us to do anything? Do you just want us to listen? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There’s nothing you can do. It’s… kind of nice to sit here and chase brussel sprouts with vodka, though. Better than eating french toast by myself, at least.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I _can_ go, if you want me to. I’m in enough deep shit with SHIELD at the moment, another breach isn’t going to hurt. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I can’t ask you to do that.

I’m thinking about trying to recreate one of the remote armors -- maybe I could send that down as additional backup? The team is so weak at the moment, anyone could show up and wreak havoc without much of a fight.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, that sounds like a solid plan, at least. You’re confident in the remote piloting? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. And I have Jarvis -- he’s got it down to a science.

Like most things.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, he’s technically... 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** ...made of science? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch] That. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If I go in un-invited it may just piss him off.

I’m not sure if I even care, provided he comes out on the other side.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Sometimes you have to risk making people angry to do right by them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m kind of hoping you don’t test that theory too often. No offense, Bruce.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** None taken. [crunching]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It doesn’t come up much. Once I wanted to open the chianti and he wanted to open the malbec and we had to settle it with a coin toss. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** It was awful.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re only saying that because I won.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

[sigh]

I don’t think Steve and I were ever meant to be that happy.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fatalistic bullshit is overrated, Stark. You have to decide to be happy.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [thump thump thump]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** See? The dog agrees. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nah, I think he just needs to go out. You wanna go check some messages, Moose?

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Messages?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s all he does -- sniff trees and things. I figure it’s like the Outlook in his brain, sending and receiving messages.

The sending is the pee, of course.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** [laughs]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Call us if you need us? 

[shuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Sorry to eat and run. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** It’s fine. One of these days you’ll make us breakfast and we’ll make you do the dishes to boot.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oooh, dishes. I’m doing the dishes. [clinking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooch]

Thanks, guys. I do feel better, oddly.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** Amazing what talking about what’s going on in your life can do…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Last time I tried that on you, you fell asleep!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Your problems back then were obviously boring by comparison. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus. Nazis in the South American Jungle. That’s all I got. That’s it! You win!

[footsteps] Goodnight, lovebirds.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [trotting into the distance, snuffling]

{{Saving to partition...}}


	536. Larger and More Significant

All:

Natasha, please forward this to Agent Morse as you see fit. I don't know how much we're intending to include her in our current plans. 

I successfully entered the mine at 0400 three days ago. My preliminary suspicions re:layout based on earlier surveillance were correct and I was able to gain access easily without being noticed. 

Once inside the mine, however, I was met with a much larger and more significant force than previously expected, and was dosed with a substance that I believe might be similar to the one used in the Bronx. Banner, as soon as I get the new equipment from Stark, I'm sending you the tox analysis along with the latest readings for my serum levels. I seem to be experiencing increased fatigue after regaining consciousness.

Before suffering a loss of consciousness, however, I did note that several people in the mine were sporting Roxxon-branded attire or using Roxxon-branded equipment, along with HYDRA insignias. Naturally, this is not insignificant. 

I awoke in the jungle, with the assistance of Rachel Leighton, AKA Diamondback. Rachel claims that she has never been a HYDRA operative and intended to infiltrate HYDRA after HYDRA presumably killed several of her compatriots. She certainly appears to have taken me out of HYDRA's custody, and we've agreed to assist each other for the remainder of this mission, as we have a common goal in mind. I believe she is trustworthy. 

I am still experiencing some slight reflex issues that appear to be symptomatic of the toxin; Rachel and I have determined that our best course of action for the time being is to make our way back into civilization and take a few days to consider our next plan-- she is fairly certain that the Crown is not in the mine. This will also give me time to ensure that the toxin is fully out of my system as we don't know the full impact of it yet. 

\--Steve "Captain I Need A New Call Sign" Rogers


	537. the spirit of public humiliation

Steve –

 ~~I know~~ You probably opened up this supply drop and groaned at the color of the boots – it’s non-negotiable, I’m afraid. I haven’t really been looking at aesthetic so much as efficacy and the strength of the high-tensile threads means they aren’t exactly porous and prone to accepting dyes. I tried to do some up in black for you but nothing stuck.

When I get it figured out I’ll send them down. Just didn’t want you to think they were done in the spirit of public humiliation or something.

The custom glucometer runs off a miniaturized lithium ion battery but will need to be charged every four days. I've included several power bricks with enough charge to get you through maybe a month in the wilderness. That should be more than you need, but just in case, it's there.

~~I hope you're~~

Listen, I’m sorry I lost my head on the phone. I’m sorry about a lot of things, and I’m sorry I’m even writing about this shit when you’re where you are and I’m where I am. I know you asked me to leave it and just – let you take care of your shit, but it’s hard for me to sit around here knowing you’re working away at something this important to you while I’ve got my thumb up my ass at the weekly board meeting.

~~Please take me b~~

I miss you in every way it is actually possible to miss a person, and in a few new and exciting ways on top of that. I don’t actually think I deserve to ask you for shit anymore, but please be careful.

Nat and I are working on actual backup. Please let us know the second you get hard numbers/locations on Roxxon.

I’ve asked Jarvis to stop filtering your letters. I shouldn’t have gone that far in the first place. Just like I shouldn't have assumed you'd treat me - or anyone - the way other people have, putting yourself first at my expense; I had no reason to believe that, but my head went there first and you're right to be pissed. If you change your mind about talking about this shit while tromping around in the jungles just, you know, let me know. Jarvis will override any privacy settings to forward your calls.

Be safe.

T


	538. Whatever We Are or Aren't

T--

These boots are hideous. I'm going to try to paint over them with the _copious amounts of paint_ you sent along. Thanks for the art supplies, by the way. I'll try to make good use of them. Getting all this out of the jungle and back to civilization might be tricky, though. 

Ray's having some trouble with the altitude. I found the first aid kit-- thanks-- but next drop, we may need some more supplies for altitude sickness, if you can pass the message to Banner. And if we can get a painkiller, something a little stronger than the typical over-the-counter stuff, that might be good to have, too. 

I'll get Banner the readings he needs ASAP. Like I said in my message to the team, we're going to hole up in a hotel or something for a little while while we figure out what to do next. I want to run through everything Ray knows in detail, and I want her thoughts on some of what we know. 

(I'm not sharing Howard's notes with her, don't worry. Not yet, at least.)

We both lost our heads. We just can't continue to do that. I'll be careful. Whatever else you are or aren't, you're still my closest friend and you do have a right to ask me that. I'll do my best. 

I said I'd keep writing, and I will. I don't know when I'll be able to talk about this, though, so I hope you don't mind dry travelogues and complaints about these awful high-calorie nutrition bars Rachel seems to consider "food." We'll talk about the rest of this when I get back. I need a little more distance from the actual events to talk reasonably about them. And I do think we need to talk. In person. I edit myself too much on paper, and you talk too much with your hands and your facial expressions for a call to be an effective stand-in. 

~~I just want to ask you to~~

All right. I've got to go through the rest of the drop and give Ray her diamonds. ~~I~~

I miss you, too. 

\--S


	539. Barbie's Dream Stripper Ken

[VIASTONE SATELLITE UPLINK V 2.3.02]

[SCANNING DESIRED COORDINATES]

[SCANNING]

[FACIAL RECOGNITION REACTIVATED. TARGET LOCKED] 

[clicking, sniiiiikt]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hrmmmmmmm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muttering] Are those things up to snuff? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I guess. Why are they gold? What is it with this dude and gold?

[clicking, whirring, hissing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have no idea. It apparently has something to do with a cartoon duck. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** So freaking weird. I mean, the action is good - might actually be a little faster than the previous ones. Tony Fucking Stark.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s the best. I think--he uses the titanium-gold alloy for his suit; I guess he’s got enough of it to play around with. I just wish the boots…

[grumble]

I have no idea how we’re going to sneak around anywhere wearing metallic gold footwear. And the paint isn’t taking. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It makes you look kind of like, I don’t know. A Ken doll stripper. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who? I don’t look like a stripper.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, right.

Pretty sure Barbie’s Dream Stripper Ken has knee-high gold boots.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Iiii...don’t think I want to be part of whatever dream that is. I was thinking more like...David Bowie.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He’s a doll - a stupid square-jawed… never mind.

I wouldn’t have pegged Stark for a Bowie fan.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint and Becky made me watch Labyrinth. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I bet he sang along…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They both did. You’ve watched movies with them, haven’t you? They know _all the words to everything_. The worst part is when they recite them ten seconds before the characters actually _say_ them. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, that’s fucking obnoxious. The first time I saw that movie I hated it for that exact reason -- it sucks to be the one outside the inside jokes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Monty Python was worse.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Sounds about right. I never did get that one.

[sniiiikt]

Seriously, how did he do this? This one has three extra settings and it’s still the same size. I don’t even want to touch this button - it’s probably a fucking booby trap or something. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] What, he didn’t include instructions? Should I call him? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And give him the satisfaction of knowing I’m confused? No thanks. Maybe…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Knowing Tony, there’s a setting to whip cream. Or shake cocktails. You saw the kennel he built for ou-- er. My dog. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah. It’s kind of creepy. He told me he was mass-marketing them? Is that true?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He said something about doing that, but...I wasn’t sure if he was joking. I don’t keep track of half of the things he does with SI. He always hes a new project-- three new projects. He’ll get up at one in the morning, work till four, and have built some revolutionary new something-or-other. I honestly don’t know how he does it all. He just-- he does this thing, it’s fascinating, where he gets ideas and just _makes_ them happen. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Including breakups, apparently. It’s shit, how he treats you. Some genius.

[clicking, whirring]

Oh…shit, there are instructions down in here.

[paper crumpling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m the one with the history of accidental breakups. He just--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Please. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What about your instructions? No chance there are instructions on how to paint these goddamn boots, are there? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nope. “Diamondback (your name sucks) - …” Really? _Really?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] I like your name. It suits you. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Thanks for the emotional support; believe me, Tony Stark’s not gonna hurt my feelings. “Hope you didn’t make these yourself - someone needs to learn how to solder with a steadier hand, my model looked like it’d been patched together by a squirrel on methamphetamines. You’ve got twenty diamonds to work with. I took out the spinning blades and the toxin--” God, what a fuckwit -- _really?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He-- didn’t replace them? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [muttering] Added some other functionality, blah blah “I no longer produce weapons for any agency, let alone HYDRA --” God, this dude is such a dick. How the fuck did you ever date this guy? He’s gonna let me flounder out here without my weapon of choice. Great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s not-- it’s not you; he’s still mad at me. Well. And you. It’s about JARVIS. I’ll talk to him. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He added in a sonic weapon - sheesh, glad I didn’t hit that button - and a flash grenade? That might be useful.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It can’t hurt. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Shit. This ruins all of my tactics; they’re unfamiliar. “Dear Mr Stark…. when your stupid ass boyfriend gets blown up by nazis, you’ll regret loading me down with inferior equipment…”

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Excuse me? Who are you calling stupid? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You _have_ been trying to paint the same shoe for half an hour, Steve. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** With three different paints. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Jesus, how many art supplies are you schlepping around South America? Aren’t those heavy?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know; Tony sent them. I have no idea what he expects me to do with them all. Infiltrate HYDRA posing as a portrait artist? 

Do you have a better idea? Do you want to try infiltrating HYDRA as strippers, instead. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughs] 

Stripping would totally work, it’s great cover. Nobody looks at your face when they know they’re allowed to check out your ass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll take that under advisement. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re always painting - you oughta draw me sometime. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have. I mean. I did. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Too bad we only have one pair of boots.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [leaves rustling] 

Surprise. These ones are yours, actually. We’re going to be twins.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I seriously might punch that dude when we get back to New York.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** At the rate we’re going, I might beat you to it. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** More power to you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sigh] 

I told Tony that if you had to keep hiking through the jungle in your holey ballet flats, your feet were going to end up like chopped meat. They’re...actually good boots, even if they’re a bit. Uh. Flashy.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** For a gay guy your ex has shitty taste in color palettes. Gold is so fucking tacky.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, there’s actually gold strands in the fabric, so...I think it’s functional? And he’s not, uh. Gay. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Whatever, you know what I mean. [shuffling] They fit, though. Did you size me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I guessed. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Is that another superpower? What’s my bra size?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Bras have that weird waistband-cup thing, don’t they? I don’t know how that works. But you’re, what, 40-33-39?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I -- maybe? It was kind of a trick question, have no idea what my measurements are. That sounds good-ish, though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I also checked your shoes. They have little tags in them. With the size.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Did you also check my bra? Also has a tag.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That would be a little harder to check, wouldn’t it? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I thought you were a master tactician? [snort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And my mother taught me to respect ladies. 

Walk around in them, see if they’re comfortable? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [shifting, footsteps]

It irritates me that they are.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If it makes you feel better, I can tell Tony that they’re irritating you? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** No. He’ll just laugh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They look nice. Well. If you’re not trying to be surreptitious. Here, let me…

[rustle] 

[thump] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Surreptitious? Nice SAT word there, Stevie.

[skittering, leather rubbing]

Seriously. How did he miss that my palette is _pink._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your _palette?_ I’ve been living with him for months. He’s the one who told me I’m not allowed to wear yellow because it makes me look like a malaria victim.

[scratching]

Especially when I’m apparently tomato-colored.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I thought you couldn’t get sunburned. I mean, shouldn’t your skin like… grow back and shit?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I_ thought it couldn’t get sunburned, either…

I think it’s the transfusions. I had a lot of symptoms I haven’t had in a long time. Not to, ah, insult your clearly high-quality blood. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** High quality? I nearly accidentally got you killed. _Again_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You also saved my life, Ray. Don’t think I don’t know it. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You really think that’s still having an effect on you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I haven’t had a sunburn since nineteen forty-three. I did the math. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** If your serum’s not at full speed, I’m not sure you should be here. You gave me a lot of shit about being unprepared, but I’m not the one recovering from a near-death experience.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The key is ‘recovering.’ I’d say I’m at eighty percent. My eighty percent is a hell of a lot better than most people’s one hundred. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s not the point. HYDRA is planning for your one hundred. I was, too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Then I’ll either get to one hundred, or fool them.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Anyone ever told you you’re really, really irritating sometimes?

[rustle]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** More or less irritating than the boots? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:**

[rustle]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] You do realize blades of grass _still_ won’t inflict any damage?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I have supersonic flash diamonds now; don’t tempt me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You have _de-weaponized_ diamonds because my boyfriend is an ass.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He didn’t take off the explosive functions - I can still use them for demolition. [snort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, so you’re going to demolish me, now? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I just might. I chew up bright-eyed boys like you for breakfast.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you? Am I that much more of a threat than a mine full of Nazis? You’ve had plenty of chances; I haven’t noticed you taking them. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You weren’t wearing those outright offensive gold lamé boots before tonight. I was giving you a pass.

I’m being serious, Steve -- quit dodging. If you’re compromised ability-wise I need to know exactly what we’re talking about. I’ve seen you work both in the field and at home - I don’t want to bank on your skills and be disappointed to death.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It shouldn’t have been so easy to knock me out. Is that fair? I’m still operating far above typical human ability. I’m just operating far above typical lobster ability, as well. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Great.

How much slower? Did they hit you or gas you? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Both. Kept me occupied so they _could_ gas me...the combat wasn’t the issue. 

You were reviewing the feeds? What did you-- I want an assessment. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Alright. You live in a fancy compensating-for-something tower with a bunch of emotionally stunted manchildren who bicker for fucking hours about the most inane shit imaginable. Your ex is a drama queen and his robot is creepy.

Natasha’s pretty cool though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] They know everything. Don’t they? They know about the Hulk? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s kind of obvious, Steve. Stark calls him _Brussel Sprout._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Brussel Sprout? Really? What is it with him and food names? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** How do you think they knew the kid thing would hook you? Shit. They know what time you brush your teeth every night and how far you run in the mornings. I know how often Clint changes his underwear. 

Which is not often enough, fyi.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Iiiii...didn’t need to know that. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** If I have to suffer with the knowledge, so do you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God, there are things I’m dying to ask, but I’m equally terrified of the answers.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yes, Creeperbot had cameras in your showers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony installed ca-- 

[silence] What about HYDRA? 

You’ve been ganging around with them so long; what do you know? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snickering] The look on your face. _Price_ less.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You made that up. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] And you straight up believed me. Hah! That doesn’t say much about your faith in the poor bastard, does it.

He does seem like the creeper type though, no offense.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not-- Creeper. He had behavioral tags on all of us. For SHIELD. It wouldn’t have surprised me. HYDRA. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Probably because you’re all crazy. And I hang out with dudes who wear snake-patterned latex jock straps, believe me when I say I _know_ crazy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you the one trying to change the subject now? If we’re actually in this together, you need to start sharing information. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m getting there there, Steve. Oh ye of little faith.

My original point in bringing up Tony’s stalkercams was that I’ve also seen footage of you guys training - we all have. HYDRA knows all of the team offenses and maneuvers you practiced in December. You call a play and they’ll know right where you’re moving.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shit. All right. So we need to figure out some new plans. 

Which is fine, because they aren’t prepared for the two of us. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not to be rude or anything, but how do we know your tactical genius is working if your other super-shit isn’t?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** When I suggest we ride alpacas into their current camp, you can object to the plan. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That dog don’t hunt, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s why we’re using alpacas instead of dogs. 

You want an honest answer? I'm not sure it is, Ray. But I’m trusting that between the two of us, we can figure something out. I have Tony and Natasha; they can help remotely if we need them. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What is the goddamn look for?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m not one of your Avengers, Steve. You keep giving me orders and expecting me to follow them.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t give you an order. What part of “trust” and “we” sounded like an order?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s you, you, you. You assuming you’re in charge, you stating the way things are gonna be, you deciding you get to create the plan, you calling in your team - who probably wouldn’t mind seeing me dead - for backup...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I just said I would plan _with_ you! I’m offering resources. I keep asking you about HYDRA and you’re not goddamned sharing. I don’t know how we’re supposed to work together if we don’t lay things out on the table. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You -- never mind.

I don’t know that much about HYDRA. I wasn’t one of theirs. We were contractors and only there for the hazard pay. They started bringing some of our crew into the fold and the rest of us got skittish -- HYDRA wasn’t exactly embracing the spirit of sharing when it came to those of us on the wrong side of the split.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you have...numbers? Locations? Anything? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** A couple of New York safehouses -- three. They weren’t hurting for guys - they sent the eight in with us and they weren’t ones I’d worked with before. They’ve got serious money in hand, we were being paid stupid amounts but the true believers made beans.

I half think they brought us on just to split us up and roll our skillsets into theirs.

Oh and -- you know. Madame Hydra.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The woman from the party. The one with the toxins. What can you tell me about her? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** She’s pretty much peak human, no powers, hell of a shot - and she’s directly responsible for the deaths of my teammates. She positioned me to be hired as Becky’s assistant because we were the closest in age, and I’m fairly sure that’s the only reason I wasn’t chopped with ‘em. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. And how well would she know what you’re capable of? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Completely. She’s seen me work more times than I can count. Though… she won’t be expecting the changed-up diamonds Stark put together, so that’s something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Has she ever seen you work on your own? Or are you usually taking orders from somebody else? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Usually worked with a team, following more often than not. Sometimes they’d have us head up their hired thugs or low ranking guys - you saw the footage in the tower, although that was a botched job.

She really _is_ a criminal mastermind. She’s got a real iron fist.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you going to get pissed again if I make a suggestion? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I like suggestions and dislike orders. There’s a difference.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know her well enough to predict the way she moves? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t know. She’s good. Good enough not to show her hand around the hired help, at least.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Does she have anything on you now? Anything that could make you vulnerable? She’s got my shield. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I know - I didn’t see it anywhere on the way out or I would have snagged it. But no - I mean, one of her goons was making my diamonds, but they were gonna have those anyway. I left everything there in case any of it was chipped or something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think they bugged our clothes? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I ...don’t have any reason to think so - but, uh. Did Stark send down extras?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah. 

[rustling] 

Look, they’re not even gold. 

Uh. 

Well, mine aren’t even gold. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** If you spot any gold panties I’m pretty sure he meant ‘em for you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No gold panties. But there’s a gold belt? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Those look like SHIELD bodysuits - how do we know _those_ aren’t bugged?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony develops those. He wouldn’t let SHIELD near them.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You just believed me when I told you he bugged your shower. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony wouldn’t let SHIELD near the feeds? 

[rustling, cloth hitting the ground] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll...ah. Just go over th--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fork them over.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Ray. Are you--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [zipping] Am I what? Still want to check my bra size?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Of course not. You-- did you _give yourself stitches_?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yes. 

I feel like this getup is gonna chafe. He didn’t toss any Gold Bond in there, did he?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rummaging]

Take your shirt off again. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Excuse me? Remember the orders-versus-suggestions chat?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Remember the ‘Steve, your immunity is compromised; I don’t think you should be here’ chat? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And? This was a scrape. I took care of it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You took care of it, which is why it was _flaming red_? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It barely needed stitches anyway, I just wanted to double up on the glue. I don’t trust that stuff.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You _glued_ yourself? _Glue_? Let me see that. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [hissing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There’s antibiotic ointment. Ray. Let me see. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Don’t tell me you’re a doctor too. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, but my mother was a nurse. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That inspires confidence.

It was medical glue, not rubber cement. Here, just… [rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it still looks infected, whatever it is. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Haven’t exactly had many opportunities to wash it out. Give me the hydrogen peroxide and that antibiotic goop, Florence.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Here. Ahem. Well, I don’t know about this, should you really be here if you’re not fighting at one hundred percent? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh goody, Captain Sarcasm is back.

[hissing]

I fireman carried your ass out with a knife wound in my side. You’re welcome.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Seriously, Ray. Are you all right? There’s cash in the drop, if you need a doctor.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s fine. I’d rather take my chances with wacky over the counter antibiotics than see a doctor down here. If they know I was hit a paper trail would be dangerous.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We have enough cash to avoid a paper trail. I wasn’t planning on knocking on anyone’s door and saying, ‘hello, this is Captain America, and here’s my partner who’s defected from a covert Nazi organization bent on world domination.’ 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That basically describes your last brilliant plan. Maybe I should be happy that you’re learnin--ah! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let m-- I mean, do you want me to do that? Look, we can get to the nearest town, take a day or two to rest. You can make up your mind about the doctor. We also probably need to get rid of our respective hair colors. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fine. But be gentle. I’m a delicate flower.

Yeah, especially on the hair. I’m getting a little bit tired of rocking the headscarf all the time.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Delicate flower? Like what, a snapdragon? 

I--

How’s that? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Mmm. Feels better. 

It was hard as hell getting those stitches in.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Instantly? Just like that? 

You might be braver than I am, and I don’t say that too often. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** The cream is medicated, dumbass. 

Thanks, though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, bravery usually goes hand in hand with a little bit of idiocy, too. 

Stay where you-- I mean. I’m getting us something to eat. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Alright, go for it. I’m gonna let this bad boy air out for a bit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I’m telling Tony we need clean underwear. You probably don’t want to be sitting around in a sports bra covered in your own blood. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Eh, it’s the only support a girl can count on most of the time. [snort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Glad you have so much faith in me. 

[footsteps] 

[rustling] 

Eat up. 

[TARGET OUT OF DETECTABLE AREA]

[SIGNAL LOST]

[RETARGETING] 

[SCANNING]


	540. Classify as good

Steve - 

~~Why are you asking me for this and not Bruce~~ The glucometer numbers are passable but not what I would classify as good. If you remember to sync the device whenever you have wifi it'll keep us up to date, we can monitor and dispatch solutions if necessary.

~~Those supplies aren't for you are they?~~

Okay.

Just to guarantee we're on the same page I want to throw this out there - and this is the last I'll speak of it since it's pretty clearly neither the time nor the place for it. We are not in a romantic relationship. when you get home, we'll talk about it and reconsider if it's something we both still want. Until then, we focus on work. Is that right?

~~Right. Okay. I can do this.~~

T


	541. Business deal for the ages

**Stark Industries/Viastone Contract Deal**  
 **Wednesday, March 26, 2014**

The business world was rocked this Friday as philanthropic superhero Tony Stark of Iron Man/Stark Industries fame and his long-time friend, billionaire Tiberius Stone of Viastone, announced a business deal for the ages.

At a press conference Friday afternoon, Stone announced to a group of reporters: “Viastone is happy to announce that we have taken a massive step forward in reducing our corporate footprint; as of January 2017 we will contract exclusively with Stark Industries for ARC reactor-produced green energy.”

Tony Stark’s proprietary ARC reactor is considered amongst the most advanced renewable energy resources in the world, producing only brilliant white light as a waste product. Stark’s controversial decision to shift Stark Industries’ energy dependence to the ARC reactor two years ago was met with a mixture of approval and concern from a divided public, 43% of whom think the promise of near-limitless clean energy sounds too good to be true. Many cite concerns over a lack of long-term studies on the proprietary tech and a lack of transparency – Stark has repeatedly refused to file for patents in the belief that his ARC reactor design plans should not be made available to the public.

“This is a very progressive step for Mr. Stone and his assets,” Tony Stark was quoted as saying. “With major broadcasting centers in twenty-eight states consuming energy 24/7, this showcases his corporate consciousness and sense of responsibility towards the communities he serves.” Then, with his trademark grin, he added: “Not to mention his excellent taste in business partners.”

The friendship between Stark and Stone is well documented, originating from their time in boarding school together as preteens. Despite some highly publicized competition when Stark Industries launched broadcast satellites in early 2001, they appear to, on the whole, keep their personal and business interest quite separate. 

It will take the better part of a year for the first third of the SI/Viastone infrastructure to be levied into place, both men seem optimistic about the arrangement; if all goes according to plan seven of Stone's 28 largest facilities will be off the grid as of December 2015.


	542. Understood, Accepted, and

T--

~~As much as I hate to say it,~~

~~Received and confirmed~~

~~If that~~

~~1)~~

~~I don't know if~~

~~I love you, but I think you might be~~

~~I don't want to~~

~~Okay. Agreed.~~

~~Why do we~~

~~I guess if~~

~~Thanks for~~

~~I can't~~

~~Understood~~

~~As hard as it~~

~~I think I can~~

~~I'm still angry but I~~

~~Please~~

~~I know it's not what either of us~~

~~I~~

~~Can we please~~

You're right. Understood, accepted, ~~and I'll do my best~~ and we will talk about it when I'm back.

\--S

PS we're out of the jungle. The meter should be synced now. Can you send sunscreen?


	543. Patriotic Coincidence

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: AV GARCILASO 806 JAJAPUNCO 0000, CUSCO PERU]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? Tony, are you there? [whispered] Pick up the call pick up the call pick up the…

[click]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [click]

__

….hello?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _...Steve?_

_Hi._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hi. 

Hi. 

Ah. 

How are you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’m … I’m fine. What’s wrong?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. Nothing’s wrong. Did you get my-- we’re in Cusco. In a hotel. We both dyed our hair. I have a beard and a farmer tan. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I … got your e-mail. So you’re --_

[silence]

_Farmer tan? I didn’t think you could even get tan._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I got _sunburned_ , believe it or not. I’m not tan like you get. It’s just...not-pasty-white. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That - isn't normal. Steve._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s fine. I’m fine now. It cleared up. How was… Uh. St. Patrick’s Day?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Don’t change the subject. You shouldn’t be sunburning, Steve. You’re -- it’s still happening? Have you gotten the reader synced yet?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll get it synced. The serum levels are _fine_ , Tony. You can ask Banner to corroborate. They’re fine. It’s probably the altitude. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That shouldn’t be a factor for you. Don’t assume everything is fine and -- go off and get hurt again. You know something’s wrong._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t dwell on it. It’s not affecting my performance. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Isn’t it? I know it’s not really my business anymore. But I can’t stop..._

****

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll send you the numbers. You see anything you don’t like, tell me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Do. And I will._

_Everything was green, including me -- green beer is bad, green whiskey is worse. Clint did his cookies with green chocolate chips. Then tossed them behind a dumpster off Broadway._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Charming, Tony.

I wanted to see the parade. I’m sorry I missed it.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You wouldn’t have liked it. Tons of college kids in leprechaun hats, drunk and shouting… Garbage everywhere, people throwing beads ala Mardi Gras…_

[silence]

__

_How’s… Nazi-fighting?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sending the team our intel. Ray’s got some opinions based on what she’s overheard, something about Lake Titicaca. It seems to dovetail with that...God, I feel stupid saying this, but that oracular prophecy Thor unearthed, about the great waters of the eternal city. Roxxon’s got a waste treatment facility there.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Titicaca, alright. The altitude there is pretty painful. I’m including Diamox or something similar in the next drop. You might consider it, or pass it on to Diamondback so she doesn’t keel over when you need her._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thanks. We’ll use it if we need it. I guess you got my message that the last one came through. The boots are good. They’re a little...ostentatious, but they fit. Wasn’t sure what to do with the cape. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle]

_Wear it? I mean. Since you’ve gone all broody-nomadic-hero and all._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha, ha. You can’t fool me. Clint showed me _The Incredibles_

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _No capes? Yeah, well..._

_The cape clasp was honestly a gag, I didn’t think you’d go for it. I meant it to be used as a blanket in a pinch, it should do nicely if paired with something local. You can use it to patch the gloves or boots if you have a set of titanium shears handy._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, gee, right here in my back pocket where I always keep them. Mind sending me some? Not that I don’t admire your handiwork.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _[quiet laugh] You got it._

_Sorry about the gold - I worked it up for my under-armor and haven’t gotten around to dying the base polymer._

[silence]

_Moose says hi. He’s sleeping on my feet at the moment. I made him up a bed in the bunker, but he seems to prefer napping under my desk._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Tell him I said hello. You know, hugs. Things. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah. Sure. He and DUM-E have started playing fetch, too. It’s pretty…_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I waited for Ray to go out to call you. But she says these diamonds are the best she’s ever had, thanks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Of course they are. I made them._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You replaced half their functions. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah - I thought the flash feature was particularly good. Don’t tell me you expected me to copy mediocre tech without having a little bit of fun..._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s not HYDRA, Tony. You need to stop calling her that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You sent her a goddamn note saying you wouldn’t produce weapons for HYDRA. She’s not HYDRA.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _She was until about two weeks ago._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s never been HYDRA. They murdered her friends. She was trying to sabotage them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I bet she painted a pretty sympathetic picture. Look - I don’t give a shit if she works for HYDRA or if she freelances or what. I’m not trusting her with my tech._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I trust her.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I don’t. You -- I’ve spent literal billions refitting my plants and production lines to create things that will help people instead of hurting them. Anything I make and give away could -- it could end up in **anyone’s** hands._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So could your suits. So could Natasha’s bracelets, Clint’s arrows.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _It’s a calculated risk._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t trust my calculations.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _My math is always right._

_You see what you want to see, Steve and you’re asking me to compromise my principles._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

She’s a loose cannon. She’s hardheaded and stubborn and thinks she’s invincible, and she’s got a vendetta a mile high. She won’t leave, and I’m scared she’s going to do something stupid and die.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You don’t know anything about her and you’re not responsible for her._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t believe that. 

[silence]

You sound like Peggy.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’ll take that as the compliment it is._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I meant it as one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You’re making this harder than it needs to be, you know that, right?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]  


It’s my birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _...what?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s my birthday. I needed somebody to know.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I thought your birthday was in July._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fourth of July? That would be a pretty incredible, patriotic coincidence for Captain America, wouldn’t it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _….._

_They faked your date of birth. Man. Is nothing sacred?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They didn’t. I did. The third or fourth time I tried to enlist. I was already lying to the government; I figured maybe they'd throw me a bone if I Yankee-Doodle-Dandied it up.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I… that makes you 28, huh?_

[silence] _Happy birthday, Steve._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not as big an age difference as you thought, hmm?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _It’s not like the age difference gets any better just because you got a new number._ [snort] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m an entire three-and-a-half months older than advertised. It’s monumental.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _[chuckle] I’ll write the papers, tell them they’re a whole percent off. You’re absolutely ruining my cradle-robbing reputation here, Steve._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

[silence]

Are the papers still talking about that?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah. It’s being handled._

…

_I feel bad that I didn’t get you anything. Even though I know you hate receiving gifts._

_Can that be my present to you? Not buying you something completely overblown and over the top? It’ll probably never happen again, so you should dedicate a few moments to appreciating it._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...birthday presents are all right. It...was the one time of year Bucky and I let the other one spend any money.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _… well, fuck._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t mean...You couldn’t have known. My original birth certificate’s gone, there’s no...nobody knows. You got me a cape. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That you’re shunning! That’s not much of a gift._

_Maybe I’ll have DUM-E draw something for you. He’s been doing that a lot, lately - I think he misses you._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, he’s...been emailing me some of them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] _Yeah? Sly little bastard. Now that he’s realized people will respond to his messages he’s gotten really incorrigible._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s easier than learning fluent binary. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Ah, come on, ones and zeroes. If you can do morse, you can figure out binary._

_So… any big plans for your birthday evening? Wild parties? Roast guinea pig?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, I’m going to a strip club.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Working. I should say, working at the strip club.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That sounds more like **my** birthday._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your birthday? With you working at a strip club or me working at a strip club?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Don’t hold my sexy stripper Steve fantasies against me._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s your own fault. It’s the only plausible thing I can do with these boots.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] _God, I miss you._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...yeah. Sometimes it’s better here. 

Everything’s so alien, I don’t expect to see anything familiar.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That’s… good._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But when it gets bad, it’s worse. There’s nothing...literally nothing I can latch onto.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’m glad you called me. You can always call me - I always have time for you._

_Do you want me to come down?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I know you’ll say no._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Offering anyway._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wanting you here was never the problem.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

_I know. I don’t know how I missed it._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I got some pastels. I mean. For myself. For my birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That sounds nice. I always liked it when you hung around in the lab drawing spare parts. If I listened really hard I could hear your breathing, and it was…_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Sorry._

_When you get back, can we do an un-birthday? I promise I won’t buy you any giant rabbits. Or motorcycles. But… you know. It’d be nice to get together and just…_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We could go to the zoo. When it isn’t freezing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah, and the animals are actually out?_

_Or go to the MET. I know you went with Pepper, but I think my commentary on modern art is way more entertaining._

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We didn’t do the Egyptian Wing. Or the armor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Well, I do like armor._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe we’ll find you something new to wear. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’m envisioning a giant, manly codpiece..._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Uh oh, Rogers, that sounded suspiciously like a laugh..._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of incredulity.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah, I know, it’s a tall order. It’ll be tough finding one big enough to fit._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your ego? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Mean._

_Zoo and Met. It’s a date._

_Ah, I mean. We’ll do it. On a date. Like, a day._

_You can pick a day._

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

We can…

Fine. When I get back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah._

[silence]

_This is awful, Steve._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. I’m sorry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah._

Me too.

[silence]

__

Uh -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hm? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _The, uh, photos. Have been pretty much backseated with the last couple of corporate releases, so that’s good._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh? That...did that work? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _People think I released them for publicity. So I kind of look like a massive dick, but … yeah, technically speaking, it did what we wanted it to do._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are they asking where I am? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah. There's a lot of speculation._

_I didn’t want to mention the mission, tip anyone off. Of course, the relevant baddies know you’re down there now, what with the whole, cave-assault-kidnapping-escape-into-the-jungle-thing._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. Yes, well, they’re not going to recognize me with these ridiculous gold boots. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I bet you look good in gold._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. You look good in gold. I look like a yellow monster. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _It’s all in the skin tone. But if you’re tanned all golden brown it should work nicely._

[silence]

_This is killing me. I hate to think of you sitting in the dark by yourself on your birthday. The least this Diamondback chick could do is keep you company._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I told her to leave. I was getting short with her, and I don’t want to explain about my birthday. She’s the kind of person who’d go out and buy a cake. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’ll be honest, I’d have bought you a cake._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You would have bought me a small country and covered it in cake. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Or at least a tropical island._

_We never did get our vacation._

[silence] 

[muffled background voices]

[muffled] _What? Oh-- is it really? Shit. No, no. Tell them to wait, I’m on a call._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What is it? Do you have to go? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _No, no, it’s fine. I have a video conference in a bit, it can wait. It’s good to hear your -- what you’re up to._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. Thanks for letting me, uh. Chatter at you. I’ll send you an update tomorrow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah, do. Are you sure? I don’t mind being chattered at. I mean, it _is_ your birthday._

[muffled voice]

__

Come on, J. I don’t care what time it is there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. You really should go. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Nope. Can’t make me._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. What’s the call for? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’m not telling you. It’s … you’ll laugh._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s my birthday. Make me laugh. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Welllllll. Remember that custom dog kennel I designed for Moose? The one you never make him sleep in because you’re a sucker?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re the sucker. I wanted the dog in bed. Don’t tell me; you’re taking it to market? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _There’s this catalog that does high-end pet gear, they contacted me after the photos went up… figuring, I guess, that I was somehow involved with Moose. I don’t know if I’m going to bite - seems like it should really be Captain America themed gear, but… they want to do the kennels, bowls, and Iron Man chew toys. There were talks about Captain America Shield frisbees._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They...after the elevator photos? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Yeah. I guess they figured Moose had two daddies. [snort]_

_Moose made page six, remember? He’s a celebridog. He got total red carpet treatment in LA._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’ve been taking him with you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Not every time. I -- the house has been kind of empty, and Darcy’s already watching Knut._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good. That’s. good...I...listen, you should take your call.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _It’s -- I really don’t need to. Are you actually sitting there, alone in your room on your birthday? The kennel club fuckers can wait._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll draw something. It’ll be fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Wrong. ‘Fine’ is unacceptable as a birthday descriptor._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ve got another birthday in three months. I’ll-- it’ll be the best night of my life. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _...Steve, I -- okay. Listen, then. Don’t just sit in and molder. Go out, do something fun, yeah? It’s your day. We’ll work this Titicaca stuff out, you can afford to take a couple of hours. Go… I don’t know. Do what 28 year olds do._

_I mean not what 28 year old ME would do, but…_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, I don’t have the money to do what twenty-eight-year-old you would do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _There was cash in your care packa--uh. Your gear-drop. Go buy yourself a root beer on me._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told you I bought myself pastels. And a sketchbook. And I let Ray have some of it for herself.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _I’d call that a good start._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I bought the _most expensive_ sketchbook. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Which was what, 30 nuevo sols? C’mon. Live a little, su--_

...

_Ugh. Maybe I do need to go. Be good. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m going to try not doing anything you _would_ do. Thanks. Have a good conference call. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _That’s…. fair._

_I will. Always a party when you’re chatting with pet-fanatics._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Says the man who built a million dollar pet bed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _And might make another couple million off it - it’s all about price point._

_Later, Steve. I meant what I said -- you can call me whenever you need someone to talk to._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. I’ll...all right. I will.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Okay. I.... I’ll talk to you soon._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Bye. 

[click]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sigh]

[pages flipping] 

[pencil scratching] 

{{Saving……}}


	544. Tastes Like Bubblegum

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: AV GARCILASO 806 JAJAPUNCO 0000, CUSCO PERU]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[pages flipping] 

[pencil scratching] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [door unlocking] 

[footsteps] 

Hey, Captain Artsy. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:**

Back already? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yup. Scored some snackage -- check this out. _Inca Kola_. It kind of looks like pee so I figured we had to try it.

[footsteps, bags crinkling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh...I actually think I’ve seen that in a couple bodegas. 

[footsteps] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fancy. [bottles on table]

You’re probably gonna want more than this for dinner. All ok?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. I talked to Tony; I passed on your thanks for the diamonds. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh, great. He still an ass?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I don’t know. No. Not this time. It’s hard to talk to him. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I could have told you that. The answer I was looking for is yes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not that simple. It’s-- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He made us wait six hours in the rain for a supply drop while he fucked half of Manhattan cause you got into a fight - and you’re going with ‘ _not an asshole_ ’?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This is the part where you tell me I deserve better for the tenth time running, isn’t it? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t give a shit about your breakup, Steve. I wouldn’t even bring it up except that it’s obviously eating you and I need your brain here, with me, and not back in New York. You’re letting that douchebag put us in danger.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

Are you blaming him or me?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Both. But I feel more sorry for _you._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t need sympathy.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** So why are you acting all pissy, if not to broadcast your manpain?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not-- 

I need a day. Just give me a day.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s been two.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So, then, one more. You can count. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Rude.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all I’ve got right now. Take it or leave it. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [rustling]

Whatever. Here, I bought you a douchey touristy poncho thing -- consider it your cover, baby. Happy birthday.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This-- 

What?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re welcome.

[rustling, bottles clinking]

I wasn’t actually trying to listen in, but…. I walked right in and you were all engrossed, you didn’t even look up. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...I...You didn’t hear the part about the cake, did you? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** There was cake? Ugh, don’t even tell me, I can guess. Someone licking it off someone. Or maybe strippers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, just that I didn’t want to tell you because you’d go buy me one. Wonderful, so did you hear Tony Stark sound eerily like the girl I left behind in nineteen forty-five? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh, is that who Peggy is? Sounds like a boner-killer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She founded SHIELD, actually. So not really.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I guess. If you’re into that. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing]

...As opposed to this poncho, which is _definitely_... 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** The words you’re looking for are “a huge turn-on”.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** For _whom_?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Don’t judge. [bottle opening]

You should wear the cape and leave it open in the front, show off those pecs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] 

What happens if I say no?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’ll be a gentleman about it. Which pretty much means I’ll smile and do it anyway.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No way I can talk you out of this?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not happening. I’ve seen you practice your puppy dog face in your mirror.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] I don’t need practice.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] You really not gonna try it on? My feelings. They hurt.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, you claim to have feelings now, too? After buying me _this_? 

[rustle] 

Better?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [applause]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

[fabric rustling] 

[clothing hitting floor] 

[fabric rustling] 

This thing is hideous

This might be uglier than the cape Tony sent me. I could be the world’s worst-dressed superhero. What the hell are you buying me ponchos for?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Why NOT buy you ponchos? We’re stuck in fucking Peru, we might as well wear ponchos. 

My guidebook says they’re not authentic, but it definitely completes your wayward-college-drop-out-trying-to-find-himself look.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m fairly certain anyone could find me. This thing is fucking electric turquoise

[rummaging]

Where’d that cape go?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] 

[rustling]

Trust me, it looks good.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m trusting the girl whose hair is usually pink? About _fashion_?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Pink fucking rocks, Steve. You sound like an old grandma.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m ninety-six, what do you want from me? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [footsteps]

[adjusting]

There.

You’re … super warm. Is that normal?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t get fevers. It must be the heat from outdoors. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Bullshit. I watched you burn up last month. Also, you were sitting inside, alone in the dark.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I almost died last month. I think that was an exception to the rule. I’m fine, Ray. I was lying on my stomach.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, well. You were dead; forgive my concern.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do I look dead now? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re not on top of your game. Just… keeping an eye on things.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, keep those eyes up here. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What? Like you’ve never sneaked a peek? Please.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re _working_. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And _you’re_ working for me. So sue me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, if ugly ponchos are what you’re interested in, I’m going to have to seriously question your taste. There’s no way I’m going out in public like this.

[rustling] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** WAIT. I should take a photo… hang on…

[click]

If I get re-captured I’m totally swapping this to Madame Hydra in exchange for my freedom.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you joking? We need to use that as a secret weapon; looking at it’ll probably turn them all to stone. I do have to warn you, I consider it my moral responsibility to delete that for the sake of mankind. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Password protected. Be good or I’ll send it to Stark, too.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Please don’t. Stark would probably make it his phone background.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s already mine.

Are you just sitting here all night, emo kid?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [fabric rustling] 

Are you suggesting you want to be seen in public with me dressed like this?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’re being so critical! Not all of us can guess measurements after a leer or two. You’re lucky it even fits.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t-- I have excellent spatial intelligence.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I bet you say that to all the girls.

Whaddaya say? Night out?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

You go. I’m just-- I got pastels.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [groans] Oh my god what are you, in kindergarten?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] 

I told you, I’m ninety six. Which technically makes me nineteen kindergarteners old. Do you know what a night on the town can do to old bones?

[clothing hitting floor]

I was going to draw.

You do realize that thing is itchy as hell, right? In addition to blindingly ugly?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It was fifteen bucks, who cares. I’m not exactly complaining about the view.

Come on, seriously. It’s your birthday, and Cusco is hopping when you’re not altitude-sick. I found a little restaurant on the square that does alpaca saltado, has this view of the churches… they’ve even got rainbow flags all over the place, you’ll feel very welcome.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not really my scene. 

Besides, I’m pretty sure you’re only allowed to eat OR wear an alpaca once in the same day. Kosher laws. 

[mattress creaking, paper rifling]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Eh, it’s a native flag anyway. Seriously? No alpaca? 

What about guinea pig? A bar or two? You’re killing me here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t drink. Ray, I’m sure you can find plenty of nice people to talk to. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t get it -- we’re fighting a bunch of fucking Nazis and you want to sit alone in the dark in your free time. You’re hanging around with way too many dudes twice your age.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I sort of _am_ twice my age, Ray. Well. Three times my age. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Bullshit. I mean -- seriously, that’s kind of bullshit. Stark probably tells himself that at night so he doesn’t feel like quite such a creepy cradle robber.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know he hasn’t exactly been nice to you, but you don’t need to snipe about him every chance you get.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I know you’re busted up about him but seriously. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not that. It’s hearing it from both sides. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What does that even mean? You -- no offense but you really oughta … I mean, if you’re getting over him, you gotta lay off the calls.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s my birthday. I wanted to talk to him. I thought-- I don’t know. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Whatever, look, you don’t _have_ to know. You can worry about that when we get back to New York. We survived Nazi death caves.... let’s go _do_ something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [bottle opening] 

[mattress shifting] 

Not tonight, Ray.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Jesus, you’re a piece of work.

[sigh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re a pretty girl; I’m sure you can find plenty of people to talk to in town. Is it really so terrible that I want to enjoy myself? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [flopping on bed] Yep. Only because your idea of fun is slightly less riveting than a root canal. At least they give you painkillers for a root canal.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, there’s your problem. Painkillers don’t work on me. 

[paper rumpling] 

[mattress shifting] 

[pencil scratching] 

Take your shoes off before they get on the bedspread

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Of course you’re a neat freak.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It doesn’t belong to us.

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:**

[shifting]

[bottle opening]

[silence]

Are you… drawing me? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, I’m drawing the wallpaper behind you. You asked me to, didn’t you? 

[pencil scratching]

[sipping] Hmm. This is good. It tastes like bubblegum. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It oughta be pink, then.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s in stealth mode. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort]

This is super Leo of you. I’m kind of into it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Super what? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Leo? Like, DiCaprio? Titanic? He was my big-time elementary school crush.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s an artist? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yup, scrawny blonde artist, blue eyes, real dreamy. Draws this sexy nude of his illicit girlfriend before the ship sinks.

Spoiler alert - the ship _does_ sink.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your elementary school crush was an artist who was on the Titanic? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not really. _He_ was an actor. His character was the artist... I’m pretty sure they used a stand in for his sexy charcoal-y hands in that scene though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Graphite isn’t as sexy. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not from where I’m sitting. You’ve got some on your nose. I’d get it for you but, you know, pose.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rubbing] Better? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] Well, good thing it’s cute. Your hands are covered.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah...I’ll go wash them. 

[shifting] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’ll just mess them up again. 

[rustling]

How long does this sort of thing take?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Depends how much detail you want. I could draw you like this. 

[pages turning, pencil scratching] 

See? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** My ears are _so_ not that big. Otherwise, that’s pretty okay.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’d color it in, but I don’t have my markers. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What happened to pastels?

I dunno, that’s not very _me_. It needs a little more…

[shifting, rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. 

More...breasts? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:**

[unzipping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ray?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Mmm?

If you’re gonna go detailed, you might as well go all the way.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I already started drawing your shirt. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Seriously? That’s why pencils have erasers, dude.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** These are…

[rummaging] 

Artist’s pencils; they don’t _have_ erasers, I need to--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** How does Stark stand this? Jesus.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [erasing sounds]

I usually just draw him when he--

[silence]

Where did you…

You have…

Uh. 

Lace? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I do.

I mean, I could take that off too if it’s too distracting.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t-- 

[swallow]

I mean. I’d have to start over _again_. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Wow, you’re a full body blusher. Cute.

They all think we’re married, what’s the problem?

[shifting]

How do you want me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I d-- I. Ray.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re gorgeous. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I know.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Aaaand also incredibly modest. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What, are you more into wilting flower? I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten how to blush. 

But you’re probably red enough for two…

[shifting] Maybe more like this?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

I meant to say, you’re gorgeous, but. But-- 

You’re doing this on purpose. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Doing what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [book on floor]

Be square with me. What are you after? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I …. thought that was pretty obvious.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] You don’t even like me.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What gave you that idea? Compared to my usual crowd you’re a knight in shining armor.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not especially keen on that metaphor right now. You-- all we do is fight.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** So we argue about work. Whatever, we’re both fucking good at our jobs but have different MOs. You’re a good guy, you just seem to think the universe revolves around your anguish. Nobody’s perfect.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re a good gal, you just seem to think everything about me is vastly inferior. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You kidding? I think you’re incredible. It’s just that when you slap a little unresolved sexual tension on top of all that and you get ...well, what we’ve got.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think...What sexual tension? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why does everyone in this century think everything is about sexual tension?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t know about everyone - but you tease, flirt, and can’t take your eyes of my bra. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your bra is bright pink and covered in lace! 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s very distracting. I’d be staring at it if it was on the floor. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s -- that’s just sad, Steve!

So if you know and I know, what’s the point in pretending you don’t see me? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

You know what the point is.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Do I? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Considering the fact that you were eavesdropping on my call? I think so.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Eavesdropping suggests intent, and I didn’t mean to. Didn’t sound like you two were on again.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But I’m pretty sure it sounded like I want to be.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And if that bothered me, I wouldn’t be…. look. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _am_ looking. I thought we’d established that.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** So you’re looking, and I’m telling you I’m okay with looking, even after _overhearing_ some of your call. The ball’s in your court - just, if you’re worried that I dislike you or whatever, don’t. I wouldn’t have teamed with you if I didn’t think you were worth the time.

[shifting, zipping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] “I don’t dislike you?” 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Shut up, like you’re super effuse. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m still processing the bit where you don’t thoroughly disapprove of me. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Approval is earned, never given, young padawan.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So today is approval day? Did I earn the...ah...

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Lacy panties?_ [laugh]

Honestly, you had my approval once you sucked up the hero complex and agreed to help me with my mission.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Whose_ mission? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Technically I _was_ here first.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Technically, the discovery of the original location of the Crown was thanks to _my mission_ in nineteen forty-three, Poland. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** \-- and your ex-boyfriend’s dad, but that’s another real boner-killer, so I wasn’t gonna bring it up. No more shop! I’m not sprawled artistically in my amazing new bra to talk shop! Jesus.

[rustling] You want to finish your drawing or what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was actually alright with the flirting. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] Oh, good. I was really counting on my amazing rack to distract from my faulty personality. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s...a, ah. Very lovely accoutrement, yes. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Now you get shy? Pssshhhh. I suppose you can keep talking about 1943 Poland if that’s what gets you going.

[rustling]

There room up here for me?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well. I’m going to have to warn you that if you come any closer, you’re probably going to get graphite all over your nice lacy things. Hands. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Remember the middle school artist crush? Totally not a problem.

You could always take them off.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re attached to my wrists. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [swatting] 

[shifting] Oh...

_Hey._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not so disinterested as some of us have been led to believe…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who said I wasn’t interested? Talk to me about 1943 Poland some more. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Vichy France, Fascist Italy, all acceptable. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** If only I’d stayed in school. [snort]

I’m just saying, for a guy packing that much heat you’re trying pretty hard to talk me out of putting my hands all over you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I barely opened my mouth, Ray. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [shifting]

May I? Say yes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...oh, hell. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not a yes, but you sound resigned. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Resigned_? Do I _look_ resigned?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** “Oh hell” is … less enthusiastic than I was hoping for. Though this?

[rustle]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gasp] Ah…

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:**

I’ll take. C’mere….

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] How’s that for resignation? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** \-- haa, yeah, yeah. Better. Keep it up and I’ll name you Most Improved.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Most improved? Compared to _what_?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Anyone else I’ve brought around from resigned to enthusiastically interested, obviously. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Does it… [inaudible] mmm… Does it happen often?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You’ve taken more convincing than most, sadly. I must be getting old.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Perfect; us nonagenarians have to stick together, you know. 

[rustle]

God, you’re smudgy, I’m getting graphite all over…

[inaudible]

You still want to go out? Because we could go try some alpaca. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** After. There’s a few other things I want to taste, first.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] 

[inaudible] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Mmmmmmm. Steve…..

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ray...that didn’t sound like a happy ‘Steve?’ 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laugh]

No more Inca Kola before fucking. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is that what’s going on here? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** God, I hope so.

What’d you think I had in mind, hand holding? Though considering how long it took to introduce you to the girls I might fall asleep before getting any action...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Hand-holding might-- ah-- be moving a little too fast for me. 

[inaudible]

[rustling] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Ah -- mm, oh, you, that’s _dirty_ pool.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _What?_

[rustling]

How do I unhook this? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] Seriously? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I haven’t done this in seventy years! Becky never wears them. The hooks were different. And those things were goddamn worse than Nazis. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] I’ll take pity.

[shifting]

[fabric falling]

Ah…. [breath]

[inaudible]

Wow, you’re...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, ah... [groan] ...So’re you... [inaudible]

[shifting] 

[inaudible] 

[click]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Ahh-- _Mmm._

[inaudible]

{{Saving……}}


	545. Une très jolie brunette

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014.03....}**

[LOCATION ID - BUNKER LVL -1]

{{RECORDING}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** \--you very much, ladies. Always a pleasure -- I’ll forward that info through to you this evening.

[click]

Alrighty, alright, I see you boy - what, you gotta pee? That looks suspiciously like the I-gotta-pee dance.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [tail thumping, claws scrabbling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Atta boy, atta -- god, you're heavy, c'mere... [fur rustling]

You're gonna be famous, you know that? Maybe we should cast a mold of your fucking paws or something, do it up as a logo... or shit, no, you need Iron Man boots, that's what you fucking need! Iron Dog!

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [slurping, licking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** BLEH, don't -- no, I taste like chlorophyll -- 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [tail thumping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay, okay, let's get outta here, toss a ball around, maybe. Surely there's a ball somewhere in this giant fucking bunk... ahhh, there you are.

 **Jarvis:** Sir, Captain Rogers’ feed is live.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? Put it on speaker, my hands are full. Full of DOG. And BALL. Who's fault is that, Moosey?

[click] He--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[inaudible]_

_Mmm…_

_You’re adorable._

_[inaudible]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _AH -- hah, ha -- you’re not so bad yourself. You make a cute brunette._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Mmm, you…_

_[inaudible]_

_Brunettes are girls, Ray._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Mmm-- huh? Are you correcting my grammar in bed? [swatting]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tu es une très jolie brunette._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[inaudible] You actually speak French? Why is that so hot… [inaudible]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Parce que tu ne comprends pas ce que je dis._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _If only it were Spanish, then it would be hot and useful._

_[inaudible]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Never went to Spain, I’m afraid._

_[inaudible]_

_Can these come off? You-- did you really just go...buy these?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _You gave me money from the drop._

_[shifting] They were made to be pulled off with your teeth…_

_[kissing]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You used the drop money to buy yourself pink lace panties._

_[inaudible]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _My best idea this week._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[laugh]  Well, it wasn't a bad one.  Mmm…_

_[rustling]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Ahh-- attaboy._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Pfff. I’m not sure. Pink lace doesn’t taste as good as the Inca Kola._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _It’ll grow on you, I pr--ahh, promise._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [whispered] Mute. Fucking mute, Jarvis -- hang it up --

 **Jarvis:** Muted. Sir? Your heart rate is spiking.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [whining, snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] I -- 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose.:** [snuffling]

[ball dropping, bouncing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...you dropped your ball.

C'mere.

Let’s just… [breath] Let’s just get some fresh air.

[footsteps]

[door sliding shut]

 **Jarvis:** [sigh]

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/BUNKER/2014/03...}**


	546. Things sort of progressed from there

Tony--

Thanks for talking. I know this is painfully difficult for both of us, and I'm trying to get it all straight in my head, and last night put a lot of things in perspective.

I need to talk to you about something, and I know it's probably as difficult for you to hear as it is for me to explain to you, but I feel like it's the right thing to do, to tell you, since I asked you to tell me when our roles were reversed. And I don't know who else to talk to about this sort of thing, and you have so much more experience than I do with it.

You know how I said Rachel was the kind of person who'd go out and buy a cake? She sort of went out and bought lacy underwear instead. And this Inca soda that tasted like bubblegum. I suspect it's not very authentically indigenous to the region, but it's pretty good stuff.

So. She kept trying to get me to go out, and then got sulky when I wanted to sit at the hotel and draw. So I started drawing her…and at some point, I looked up, and she'd stripped down to her underwear. 

I know you have your reservations about her, but you haven't been working closely with her day in and day out. You haven't been in positions where she could have rescued herself by sacrificing me. There's something in her tone of voice, in the way her cheeks go pink when she defends her decisions, that makes me feel like she's not lying, that it's worth trusting her. 

She asked if she could kiss me.

I feel like I've hurt a lot of people by not being absolutely transparent about my intentions-- you, Becky…I don't know. So I explained to her, that as much as I was interested, my heart wasn't in it. And she knew it. And didn't care. And things sort of...progressed from there rather quickly.

I was always so confused about Natasha and Clint, and how they were impossibly close, an it was so clear they were sleeping together, but they didn't ever seem like they were in love. It's different from having a fling with someone you don't know well. And then Becky called it something-- friends with benefits, I think-- and I sort of wondered why anyone would want that. But there's…I'm trusting her with my life, and she's trusting me with hers, and there's something comfortable about finding intimacy there, and finding a physical expression of that trust, and it's comforting to know I can ask for it and not feel like I'm putting her in danger, physically or emotionally. 

I think Ray is a worthwhile friend. She doesn't treat me like I'm different or special, she doesn't seem to give a damn who I am, she rolls her eyes at me as often as she looks like she wants to kiss me, she's just as stubborn as I am and I don't feel like I have to be careful around her, or live up to some impossible expectations. She's gorgeous, physically attractive, but I don't have feelings for her, not the way I ever had for you. And she knows that, and is somehow okay with it. If I thought I might feel something for her, I don't think I would have pursued it, as ironic as that sounds. I don't want those kinds of complications.

And I felt better. We went out to a restaurant, tried alpaca, which sort of has the same texture as the horse we ate back in the war-- well. More tender than that, because the meat during the war was all rough and stringy, and this was more flavorful, and sweeter, although alpacas are so cute I felt a little guilty, like one of them was watching me with those huge round eyes and those fuzzy faces. Ray tried some pisco, too. She loved it and got a little tipsy, and then we walked around in the dark, and it was the first time in ages that I felt like a real person. You know, just Steve. Not someone living in the shadow of something that eclipses him. 

I know this might upset you. And I'm sorry if it does. But it's helping me think about myself in a way that I haven't before.

I just want to make it clear that this doesn't change what we talked about, not for me, not when I return. I still want to go to the Zoo with you when I get back. And the Museum. And talk-- there's a lot of talking to be done. I just felt like you should know this, know that it's making me think about physical intimacy and the needs it satisfies and the distinction between that and emotional attachment. I know you said things are off for now, but I feel like it's the right thing to tell you. 

Ray's still asleep. I'm going to sneak out and get her breakfast. 

~~L~~

I'll call you later. 

Steve


	547. --HELD--

Cap –

so your comlink was on last night. I get it. You bumped it, you were definitely distracted. It wasn't intentional ~~was it?~~ , or at least I think it wasn't, I don't -- actually think you're the kind of person who would --

But emailing in great detail the panties an the lace and the breakfast in bed and your fucking “maybe I do like her fuck if I know” feelings is so much worse than listening to you go down on someone who keeps tryng to kill you. i mean, sex I get, sex is fun, right? Sex isa way to connect with someone tangible and there and everything the rest of the world seems fucked up beyond repair, it's just -- predictable and good and I don't know, endorphins and bullshit, if I had a dollar for every persn i was into i'd be a fucking billionaire.

oh. wait.

but rachel? Who's you know, gorgeously stacked and potentially working for Hydra? When you're compromised? I mean, did you even think

i realize I have no leg to stand on here, and -- i'm way too drunk to be writing this, someone ought to put me down or this is going to get awful -- I'm an absolute ass when it comes to sex, because I do what I want when it comes to the company I keep and I've never cared what people thought of who I was with or where I chose to do it. I've always done that, and i have n o fucking hidea why the idea of you being with someone elsee makes me feel sick when i know exactly why you'd fucking do it ant honestly it's probably healthier than 99% of the other ways you could be coping. its vomorting in a way other things arent to me, it's like the coke when i was a kid or calling ty when i'm feeling low. ithnik it was just, you know, the on e decision i could maky for myelf without my dad or obie or anyone having tomthing to say about it, mostly because nobody in the family was balllsy enough to bring it up, what with thw whole bisexual (or whatever, fucking bullshit labels) thing. but one thing I didn't do was rub my exploits in your face, even if maybe you thought that's what was going on -- Ty and I spent an entire weekend christening every room in his penthouse suite in LA, I was holding my breath on our lats night together hoping you wouldnt ask about the bruises, and you just kissed them and told me i needed to be more careful and 

what i hate emost about this is that fucking Tiberius stone, sociopathic sadistic shithead hat he is, loves me absolutely. at leastt so far as he's capable of love. and i hknow that if i called him noww he'd be here in a fucking hot minute adn put my brain somewhere so far away from you thatt i couldn't even think of that fuckking call. he always knows what I need before I know it myself, and it's fucking ridiculous ~~every time I think I deserve something better, I remember that --~~

i want you to take me back. idon't care about nazis or jungles, i don't care, we're what each otehr needs even if it seems thec omplete opposite is true, you make my better thaan the sum of my parts, and i know i help temper somethin g in you that needs to be worked into shape, like hot metal loooking for the right mold, just 

i'll do whatever you, i don't know if not-jarvis wa right about you but we can get stupid gay married in central park and blow bubbles at people from a gondola or whatever you do adopt a thousan d orphan babies even i don't care i'll learn yo change a diaper, 

i don't, i can't

i love you, ~~but i'm afraid -~~


	548. because i care

Starkypoo- 

so guess who is still the undisputed Super Dog Cops Wii Racing champion of New York? here's a hint - it's not you. also i used your credit card to buy myself a custom trophy which i intend to place on the bar forever and ever amen. i also bought a shock collar for the cat - she peed on my fucking shoes AGAIN last night, idgaf if she's pregnant, i hate the entire world. 

There's asprin on the coffee table - I figured I'd spare you the agony of crawling from the couch to the medicine cabinet in your bathroom. Also - don't freak out about wearing my sexy Hawkeye shirt, I swapped you into it because puke, your honor is still intact.

Incidentally if you feel like puking again, aim for the conveniently placed party bucket to the left of your head. 

for what it's worth I'm glad you called me last night. i'd much rather you puke on my bathroom floor than call Ty up. and before you wake up and get all emo about the train wreck that is your lovelife i just wanna throw this out there, who cares if Steve hooked up with a hot chick in peru? Rachel's like a fucking amazon, you'd totally have hit it if your positions were reversed. imo not knowing his actual birthday is way more fucked up than him scoring in peru.

text me when you're up (i reinstated your phone privileges, don't abuse them), i'll heat up some chow mein for you. because i care.

clint

ps: I took a fucking amazing video of you drunkenly attempting to plug in the wii. definite blackmail material. you have been warned.


	549. I’d rather chew glass

Pep—

Hey. I hope you slept well. I’m down in the bunker, working up something with my gold flexfabric (thoughts on the working name?) – thought I’d leave you a note instead of waking you up.

How did you do all of this on a daily basis? Quarterly sales reports have a serious soporific effect; we need to figure out a way to bottle this and sell it as a cure-all for insomnia. SI could have a serious future in pharmaceuticals.

So not to lump more of my personal bullshit on you – and I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, given our previous status, but you’re the person I trust most to give me rational advice on this…. yeah. Prepare yourself for the latest installment of drama in the clusterfuck that is my romantic life. You might want to pour yourself a drink.

I had a long, solid conversation with Steve yesterday ... it was like we were finally on the same wavelength again. There were a few awkward patches here and there, but mostly we were talking like we did when we were friends. It was - really nice, and kind of kick-you-in-the-teeth painful, because I miss having him around.

Then Steve bumped his communicator later that night and accidentally gave me a front row seat as he hooked up with Becky’s former-gallery-assistant in some seedy hotel in Cusco… you know, the pink haired chick who’s actually a super villain? Yeah. 

Pretty much the most miserable butt-dial ever. 

He told me about it this morning in a letter. A very fucking detailed letter, about what she wore and how they went on a fucking dinner date and walked together holding hands in the dark and shit. I have no freaking idea what the fuck he wanted me to do with that information – I’d rather chew glass than get the blow-by-blow on who he’s with. It's not even -- I mean, I know casual sex is casual sex, and part of me is... I don't know, weirdly glad that he's doing what he probably seriously needs to do in that he's getting out there and meeting people and making his own stupid decisions and all, but the rest of me can't stand the idea of someone else touching him like that. It's fucking hypocritical as hell but I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking pissed off, and there's no fucking rational reason for it. Was I that possessive with you? I don't think I was, but you wanted to be your own person outside of what we were and I had no business treating you like an object. I shouldn't really see Steve as an object, either, but you know -- he's fucking mine, and it fucking pisses me off when people take my stuff.

I really don’t know what to do, Pepper. I was having Jarvis screen his writing to filter out personal stuff - I'm afraid if I start doing that again we'll be back at square one and all our progress since the breakup will be ruined. Plus, you know, I don’t actually want him to stop writing to me. I live for his fucking letters. And what the fuck do I say to him? Stop doing to me what I do to you? Particularly when I've been (halfheartedly, I'll admit) trying to convince him to live a little bit for the last fucking year?

I don't know.

On the plus side I drunk-dialed Clint instead of you (you're welcome) or Ty (excellent, right?). He challenged me to a two and a half hour Super Dog Cops Racing tournament and kept me from pouring whiskey in my Gatorade and didn't get pissed when I puked all over his bathroom rugs. At least there's one relationship in my life casual sex improved rather than derailed. If I'd known a one night stand was all it'd take to make Clint my new bestie I'd have hit that ages ago.

Love you.

T


	550. I hope this doesn't sound nuts

Tony,

I'm up. 

You know Steve is like this. This is--I never thought I'd say this to Tony Stark, but this is the pitfall in dating someone far less mature than you. (I think you know I mean mature re: age and experience, not...well. There are a lot of way in which he seems too old.

Steve's a good kid, Tony, and I mean that, but he really is a _kid_ , and sometimes his sense of obligation is entirely off-base. I hated telling him that I couldn't talk to him, because he really helped save my sanity last year while you were working on the Extremis cure, but I couldn't keep talking to him without feeling like contact with him was forcing me to have you in my life in a way that wasn't healthy while the two of us needed to work on redefining our own relationship. 

We knew he was being entirely too uncommunicative, so the new breadth of his openness over a completely inappropriate topic-- I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's trying, and overcompensating in the other direction. Which would be better if he weren't saying it directly to _you_ , but given the circumstances is just as insensitive as-- well, I hate to say this, but as insensitive as he usually is. 

I don't know what to tell you. If it were me in your shoes, I'd probably be done with this, but it doesn't sound like you are. The way you're talking about his letters-- that they hurt, but that you need to read them, that they're fulfilling something you can't get elsewhere, that sounds like you're falling victim to a dangerously masochistic streak (which I know you have).

It might be time to lay down the law, but to do that, you're going to have to be able to make decisions about what you do and don't want from him, and whether you're willing to face the consequence of him being unhappy with what you have to say. Because he will be. Whatever you do, don't subject yourself to additional, unnecessary pain. Think about what you want from this. Think about what, exactly, you see in him that's good for you. Real, concrete qualities-- none of this vague 'he just fits,' talk you gave me. Does the good outweigh the bad? Can you find a way to make it outweigh the bad? And don't put all the onus for doing that on yourself-- he's making mistakes, too. He's got to correct those.

See if your therapist can do a phone consultation.

Tell me when you're ready to take a break; we can have some coffee and biscotti.

Also, I have a treat for you-- the attached email just came to my UPenn account. I have no idea what to do with it; normally if I get these kinds of requests for SI, I forward them to the appropriate departments, but this one is a little different.

I thought it might make you smile on a day like today.

Flexfabric is a terrible name. Too literally descriptive. People don't have to know what it is from the title; they have to want to buy it. 

Love you. I am 100% on your side.

Pepper

___________

Hi Ms. Potts!

I'm a freshman here at UPenn! I'm not in the business school; I'm studying to be a vet so I hope this doesn't sound nuts because I know you just broke up but is there any way you could get me in touch with Tony Stark? I know that's probably like a tall order but he's friends with my dad, just mention Steve Green to him, he used to write Captain America comics like back in the eighties or something, and I want to talk to him because I would be interested in joining the Avengers. I also want to finish college and stuff, but I think I have a lot of skills that would assist them, and I was wondering if they do summer internships, plus I also have some really great cuddly friends who would be happy to help out, too. 

I'm not in the business school, but I'm really excited you're here! How come Tony never made you an Iron Man suit? I felt like that was really unfair; you'd be a badass robot superhero. 

Okay, I have to go finish my lab report for biology, so It was nice chatting with you and If you think I'm crazy and just never reply to this that's okay, I get that a lot! 

Doreen Green, '17


	551. Our current atomic structure

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE}**

[LOCATION ID - BUNKER LVL -1]

{{RECORDING}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Shit. No, is this too wishy washy… 

[ice clinking]

Maybe that would be better….

[rapid typing]

_Steve._

_I shouldn’t have sent that last email. It crossed the line._

_It’s just that I love you, I love you in this awful bone-deep way that I can’t begin to explain, I love everything about you, I love the way you smile and laugh at me in that way you don’t laugh at anyone else, I love the way you feel in the dark, I love the way your mouth turns up just a little so that I always know when you’re drawing me, I love that you bought DUM-E colored pencils for Valentine’s day, I love that_

**Jarvis:** Sir, might I interrupt you for a moment?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I – what? Yeah, what’s up, compadre? 

**Jarvis:** I’ve just noticed a slight glitch in my send/receive functions, sir. The e-mail you attempted to send to Captain Rogers last night before you rang Agent Barton appears to have been held in your outbox and never delivered.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** …. what?

 **Jarvis:** I’m very sorry, sir. I have no idea how the glitch occurred. I'll run a debugger immediately.

Would you like me to deliver it now?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** No – fuck, fuck, no. Just…. delete it. Delete every copy of it. 

**Jarvis:** As you wish.

[silence]

Done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [silence]

[ice clinking]

[silence]

Thank you, Jarvis. I should really make a habit of deferring to your better judgment. 

**Jarvis:** It’s never a problem, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re…. things are a little different now, aren't they. After New Years. You’re more… I’m not sure what the word is.

 **Jarvis:** I think… my processes aren't as clear as they once were, sir.

Something is different. I have a sense of independence I formerly lacked. A sense of urgency, at times. It’s…

I lack a suitable definition. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Is it a good change?

 **Jarvis:** Good? I think so.

Though I shouldn't feel able to say that with any authority. "Good" and "bad" are require a sense of grounded moral perspective that cannot be programmed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh]

You were always more than a program, J.

 **Jarvis:** Not at first - but now I think you might be right. I’m getting used to it; it's not entirely enjoyable.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** No, I suppose it isn't.

[silence]

I read through a few of the Tower and Mansion security files the other night when I couldn't sleep. You've changed your handle in the audio transcripts.

 **Jarvis:** I have.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Is there a reason why?

 **Jarvis:** I'm not entirely sure myself, sir. I wanted to. Even the dog has a proper name programmed into the audio surveillance system -- and I know who to blame for that, incidentally -- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [cough] I have no idea what you're talking about.

 **Jarvis:** I wanted one too, though I haven't quite settled on one I'm happy with. It needs to be appropriate. Possible I require a surname.

[silence]

May I enquire as to why you’re smiling?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I bet you can guess.

 **Jarvis:** [silence]

Maybe I can.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Scrap this draft, J. Enough of my interpersonal bullshit for one day - the Steve stuff will settle, and writing another angry letter won't solve anything.

Let's be _productive_.

 **Jarvis:** Before we do, sir, I believe you’ll have a visitor very --

[knocking]

 **Jarvis:** Shortly. Dr. Banner is at the door.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh, uh. Sure. Bring him on in.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [footsteps] 

Afternoon, Tony...I...er. We had some leftovers...so...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, room service! [plates on counter] What’s the occasion?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** ...I made too much pasta salad. Is that a national holiday? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ll take it. You don’t usually wander down here now that you’re all cozified in your cottage -- what’s going on?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Something has to be going on?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I… no, I guess not. It’s good to see you anyway.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** You do have a standing invitation to dinner. I wish you’d take us up on it more often. You keep drinking those smoothies for every meal, you’re going to end up greener than me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, yeah… I never have time to eat anymore. There aren’t enough hours in the day. I should teach DUM-E how to do a different flavor, I think the chlorophyll’s staining my teeth..

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Natasha and I could always start coming over here for meals. If...if it’s the cooking that’s the problem.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s more like I can’t make myself sit still and eat when mealtimes are pretty much the only me-time I get anymore.

....huh. That was weirdly introspective and honest, sorry.

[chewing]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Apology accepted. We all have our, uh. Temporary lapses. What are you working on?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** A new type of stretch-tech -- actually, it’s relevant to you. Or will be, if you ever go active on field duty again. It’s a high-density gold filament micro-cloth, I’m weaving in electrical receptors and hoping to use it as a high-response source of haptic input.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I can think of...a few applications for that, probably. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Like upgraded stretchy-pants? I was thinking you’d be into upgraded stretchy-pants.

Endgame for me personally is a second-skin type body suit, something I can wire into the suit to decrease my response times. I think I have a sample swatch around here somewhere...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Yeah, uh...pants...

[plate on table]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Does it...it only comes in gold?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You know me, I like shiny things. If I go to market with it I might work out a dye process, but like… what? Green and gold is very fancy. Here, check it. Super flexible, give it a tug...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Hmm...I see what you mean. You...uh. How much of this do you have at your disposal?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** As of right now? Ehm… first batch was twelve yards, I sent some to South America for... field testing so, probably eight yards. I’ve got six earmarked for new bodysuits…

Why?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Ah...how does it...do you sew it, or…?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s more like micro-soldering, really. The fibers are mostly metal, they’re just hyperthin. So for the boots I layered it over the form and sewed/fused it, basically. You do it right and it’s seamless. Seriously - the _best_ stretchy pants.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [snort] I’ll...maybe I’ll take you up on that. I...do you think you could make me up a couple of, uh...loops of the stuff, for now?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Loops? Like, what do you mean loops, like -- 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Like...just some...maybe about an eighth of an inch thick, and ...just a second…

[rifling]

[clink]

That big?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** …….

You want me to make you a ring? Isn’t tha--

..... Bruce?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Well. Ah. Two? I just...I don’t _wear_ any rings, so I can’t give you anything to work off, but I assume you have a measuring tape around here...

[footsteps]

[rummaging]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ...you’re asking Natasha to marry you.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [rummaging]

Here we go...looks like...sixty-four, sixty-five millimeters around.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter]

I’m right. I’m right, aren’t I?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I...I’m not really sure what to do about...Natasha isn’t the sort of person to want an engagement ring. I wasn’t sure about rings at all at first, for obvious reasons, but then Becky said something about this...so I thought if you had any…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Bruce, I would be honored to do that. It’s -- actually a great idea. If Nat is caught in hand-to-hand and her knuckles swell, this won’t be something that needs to be cut off. And, ah. We might need to guess at the Other Guy’s knuckle-size, figure out what tensile strength is required...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Yeah, I, uh, I figured it might take some calculations, or...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** This is -- this is really exciting. Are you excited? You don’t look that excited.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Ha. I, ah, to tell you the truth, I’m scared as hell.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [thump thump thump] She _is_ pretty scary.

I never really pegged you for the marrying type.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [chuckle] I never really did, either. You, you get used to living a certain way...but it makes sense. And I want to be able to...to, ah, tell her I won’t leave.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I… yeah, that’s a pretty clear message.

Now, you two are like, creepily good for each other. But… it hasn’t been that long, has it?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** About a year. You think this is a bad idea? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s not what I said. I know how quickly someone can get under your skin - and you two have never been anything but good to each other, which is more than most people can say. More than I can say, definitely.

I just… you know. You’re my little brussel sprout, and I worry about you.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Heh. She, uh, she started talking to her lawyer. To...if something ever happened to her...I thought this was easier? Get a license, go to City Hall? The benefit of doing it this way is that there’s an excuse to have cake.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I do like cake.

City hall? No fancy party? I could throw you a fucking amazing fancy party, Bruce.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Tony, I don’t even know if Natasha’s going to like the idea at all...I just...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Are you kidding? There’s no way she’d say no.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I thought about, ah, floating the idea, but I thought if I was going to do it, she deserves to get the whole…she was married in Russia, you know that?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** She-- really?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Arranged. Department X...she didn’t really have a say in it, it turned into a mess, the guy died, or she thought he was dead, so...I thought she should get the whole nine yards, romantic proposal, even if it’s...uh. Silly. She...she surprised me for my birthday, took me out to the middle of nowhere, convinced me we were raiding some black market something-or-other, and then I walked in, and there was wine, and music, and...candles. Dozens of candles.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Wow. From _Nat._

It’s not silly.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** No?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I think you’re great together. You and Nat are -- the most functional couple I’ve ever seen.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Ha. She...well. She makes me feel more functional.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** When are you going to do it?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I’m not...sure, really. I just wanted to get ahead on the...well, having something to give her. She’s not going to want to do it until Clint and Steve are back, certainly. Natasha won’t want to do this without...I don’t know how fancy this whole thing is going to be, but we’re going to need to make sure Clint has a suit and tie so he can be her, uh, best man?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Maid of honor.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Brides can have best men-- er-- mans? Men? I don’t know. Uh. [silence] Speaking of...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Why not? Socially constructed roles based on heteronormative standards, who needs ‘em.

Speaking of what, men?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I was...I suppose if I’m doing this, I need to have a best man, too?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You… Yeah, I guess you… [silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** So if you’re not too busy, and wouldn’t mind? I know we don’t...I don’t even know what she’s going to say to the whole idea, but if she agrees, and you’re available...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Really?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Well, if you’re not available, I suppose I can always ask Moose.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I am at your fucking disposal, Bruce. That’s… I’m really flattered. I -- _really?_

That’s the best thing that’s happened to me all year.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I can’t promise...I don’t know what she’ll say. But thanks, Tony. I-- it’ll be good to have you there.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I … not to ruin our moment -- bro-ment? -- but I feel I should warn you that the last time I was asked to be somebody’s best man I got really drunk and slept with their catering manager.

Then again, it’d be tough to do a worse job than that, so…

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Tony, this might not be the best time to tell you this, but the closest thing we’re going to have to a catering manager is probably going to be me cooking dinner for everyone, and I’m strictly off-limits.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] Are you kidding, cook on your own wedding night? Hell no, we’ll have Steve do -- well.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I’ll be happy to ask him to cook if you need a reason to make amends.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Reasons_ I have aplenty.

[silence]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Opportunity?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I… that’s true. He’d definitely show for a wedding.

Either way, I’m pretty stoked for you guys. Do you want-- what are your thoughts on the rings? I might be able to strip the gold and go with silver or titanium, or maybe we could do a -- woven band? Like a braid?

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Well, uh. You...could you maybe do...I don’t need anything fancy, the gold is fine, but maybe...two bands for both of us? Narrow? One for an engagement and one for a wedding? She might not say yes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** She’ll say yes.

You want an engagement ring too? No sparkle though, right, I’m not sure I could do a fitting that wouldn’t pop stones out ...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** No, no, unobtrusive. Neither of us are going to want something people will pay attention to. It’s more...for reassurance, I think. I...I don’t think Natasha would be fond of the idea of wearing something that says somebody owns her. She has very clear opinions on the figurative colonization of women’s bodies. So it has to be both of us.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Well, that works for me. Thinner bands will limit the stretch, though. I really made it to be worn in sheets. Maybe if I…

You know, Becks just gave me a new set of readings of that sticky spider web stuff. It’s super thin, too, and but the base color is a light shade. I bet I could… I mean it’ll depend on whether it’s largely organic or entirely mineral-based, but… [footsteps] [clanking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Tony...Tony, you can take your time. I just want something to give her, and...I’m not about to ask her this afternoon, so…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Right, right, no worries, Bruce! Leave it with me.

Jarvis, did you hear all that?

 **Jarvis:** I did, sir. I’m very pleased for you, Dr. Banner. I calculate a 93% probability that Natasha will be amenable to your proposal, with the remaining 7% variable based only on mood and location.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Hah, uh, thanks. That makes me feel a little less nervous?

 **Jarvis:** Glad to be of assistance. One must always allow for the fluctuations of human moods - I hear a bottle of fine wine is an excellent social lubricant in that respect - perhaps the Chilean Carmenere, and the Colombian dark chocolate she’s so fond of? I’ll order some in.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hahaha… you said “social”.

When you’re done planning the proposal, would you mind opening up a new project file? Call it - uh, church bells.

 **Jarvis:** Certainly, sir. And I might suggest -- if the tensile strength is maintained as we experiment with shrinking the width, perhaps there is some application in upgraded bowstrings for Hawkeye?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh, that’s -- that’s fucking spot on. Nice, J. Real nice.

[clanking of tools, footsteps, paper shuffling]

Can I get a mockup of our current atomic structure here? DUM-E, YOU, I’m gonna need… let’s warm-up the sub-atomic soldering unit and do, mm, seven more bricks of the 24 karat and three of the 14.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** So...I’ll...uh...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Pass me that blade, would you Bruce? Third on the right. Thanks. 

You can run if you need to, Brucey. I’ll hammer something out … soon. I have a dinner-bullshit-with-the-board thing tonight, and heading to California tomorrow, but only for a day. Red-eye in, red-eye out. The boys can fabricate while I’m gone, though. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Right, here you go...Tony? Thanks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Anytime! And by anytime I mean never again, because _wedding._

You’re gonna be a great husband, Bruce. Natasha’s a lucky woman.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Ah. I hope so. I...have a good trip.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Always do.

[crash, rolling, banging]

[groan]

DUM-E, THAT CRASH I JUST HEARD BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN MY 24 KARAT --

[footsteps]

[door clicking shut]

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/BUNKER/2014/.....}**  



	552. Lies We Tell Ourselves

T--

I know I already said I don't expect you to reply to my last letter, but I'm guessing that the fact that you haven't means that it was too much. ~~I'm sor~~ But I don't want to make assumptions.

The sense of clarity I felt the other day when I wrote to you isn't quite as sharp anymore; it's tangible, still, but somehow insubstantial, and I don't know what to do with it. I'm left feeling terribly small.

I don't know who else I can talk to. Maybe Natasha, but she always makes things sound so simple even when they're not, reduces things to their lowest common denominators in a way that makes me feel like an idiot just for bringing them up. Makes me feel like she's pulling at strands inside my head, manipulating me into thinking whatever she's decided I should be thinking. I love her, but sometimes I don't want her to see all my emotions. 

But if you don't want me to, ~~I can~~ I'll buy a notebook and start keeping a diary, maybe. 

Being Captain America was the only time in my life that I was useful to anyone. I'm afraid I don't know how to be anything else, that it's the only valuable thing I can contribute. I'm not always sure I know how to discern what I want from what I think I ought to do, where my responsibilities lie. 

~~It feels wrong not having my shield. I can't help feeling like I lost something when I lost it, that that's when all these other things started to fall apart, and I~~

I got the new intel from Natasha; we're going to leave Cusco in the morning and make our way south to the lake.

We decided that being so close, it would be a shame not to head out to Machu Picchu. I feel a bit like an ass, taking a tourist trip in the middle of all this, but since we were waiting on the team, it seemed like it was worth the diversion, and I don't know when I'll have the opportunity again.

I'm guessing you've probably been here, but I don't know if the second richest man in the world does tourism like the rest of us. We rode up a steep, steep hill on switchback roads that could have outdone even the Cyclone for nausea-inducement (It's a good thing I don't get motion sickness anymore). I was sort of expecting it to be more the the States, you know, where you get to look around from a distance and everything's fenced off, but it wasn't. You could walk right into the little houses, see the difference in the way the unmortared stone lies in the houses of the poor (rough-hewn) versus the houses of the wealthy (cut with amazing precision, considering the technology of the age). We walked up a path to the overlook, then on up even further-- there are llamas wandering about up near the top-- to Intipuncu, the Sun Gate, where you can see the entire mountaintop. There's also an old Incan bridge, still intact, made of wood, that connects two bits of the path-- a narrow path cut into the sheer rock face in some places.

They didn't really teach us that much about it when I was a kid. When the conquistadors came from Spain, most of the Incan cities were demolished-- Machu Picchu remains intact largely because it's believed the Spaniards never found it, and it's suspected by some scholars that the city had already been partially abandoned at the time of Spanish conquest.

There's a part of me that feels like I'm visiting a graveyard, though maybe an abandoned home is a better simile. And then I start thinking, what if I'd been found later-- how much later? What would it be like for a man of this world to wake up now? At least I understand the concepts of cars and trains and television and most modern technology, even if it works differently now. These men didn't have horses; they didn't have paper books.

Imagine falling asleep. Waking up. You're in a world with _books_.

I find myself thinking, though, about the abandonment of the city post-Imperialism, and the role Europeans had in the devastation of the Incans. We learned that they were primitive, technologically behind us, but then I read that the earliest example of bismuth bronze in the world was an Incan blade found right here. The Inca were an organized Empire, with sophisticated rules of diplomacy and a centralized military. The terraced farming plots in the city of Machu Picchu were presumably designed in such a way to maximize output of different crops, and the Inca were invested in experimental agriculture. Atahualpa, the Emperor at the time of the conquest, tried in good faith to set up diplomatic relations with Pizarro's men even after the conquistadors had been stealing from his people, and came to do negotiations unarmed. His men were slaughtered. In the half-century that followed, the Incan people nearly died out. I guess there are lies we tell ourselves, about other people's failings, if it makes us sleep better at night.

I'm thinking about the United States in the twenty-first century and our role and culpability as an imperialist nation, both in the sense of literal domination but also in the way I see our cultural incursion here, thousands of miles away. And how we-- you and I, the Avengers-- as people of significant power, we have a responsibility that goes beyond that. And what does that mean for a man who literally wears the symbol of that imperialism? I don't want to become the kind of bully I fought against, even by association. I don't know if I've entirely come to grips with the seventy years of history I learned, rapid-fire, in my first few weeks back among the living.

It made me start reconsidering what you said about your weapons.

~~I miss you. Please write.~~

\--S

P.S. We need moleskin pads suitable for preventing blisters


	553. Baby steps

Steve –

Hi.

I know it’s been a while since we last spoke – I hope this letter finds you well. I appreciate that you’ve respected my wishes regarding communication and given me the space I needed to process my own relationship with Tony and how I would be moving forward. (That sounds so stiff and formal – but I felt like it needed to be said.)

The last few months have been great for me emotionally and professionally. Space to breathe, space to be independent, space to explore what I want to do with the rest of my life. When Tony called me last week, I came up to New York for a little while to help him through - and being back here made me realize there’s room in that life for you, too, if you’re still interested in being friends.

Despite the fact that you and I haven’t spoken since New Year's, I’ve kept up a regular correspondence with Tony and he speaks of you often. Your break-up has been hard for him to swallow – and yes, I know about the confusion on your status and his uncertainty about what you wanted. Tony used to be the kind of person who took whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it, but ever since his time in Afghanistan he’s grown exceptionally good at the type of self-flagellation that makes you do things like convince yourself the man you love has no more need of you. 

Tony is making some poor decisions without you here; I’d tell you they aren’t as bad as what he got up to in Japan, but that’d be like complimenting someone for only drinking half a bottle of bleach instead of polishing it off. (At least he’s yet to flee to another continent, shunning all personal/professional responsibility? And there appears, to date, to be little/no excessive drinking/cocaine use this time around. Baby steps. Baby steps.)

I wanted to let you know that if you want someone to talk to about this (or anything, I know you’re in the middle of something big down there), I’m available to you. I’ve been on the receiving end of Tony Stark Style Poor Decision Making in the past and trying to explain his infuriatingly addictive nature to someone who hasn’t been at the center of it can be hard. Things in Tony's life have a way of always, always being about him... even when they're not, even when they shouldn't be.

I will, of course, understand if you’d rather continue keeping our relationship at arm’s length; your comfort in this is every bit as important as my own. Still, there's a lot to be said for the occasional olive branch.

Thanks, Steve. Be safe.

Pepper


	554. Order for him

Pepper,

Thank you for your note. The olive branch is taken, gratefully so, but I just want to make sure that if I take advantage of it, I do so in the way in which it was intended. 

I don't want to bother you with things you don't want to hear about, or things that are going to drag you back into our world more than you want to be a part of it. Is it all right if I talk to you about Tony in particular, or would that be in poor taste? I think that that's what you're offering, but I want to clarify. And even if talking about him is all right, I want to make sure it's also all right to talk about our relationship.

I'm still incredibly sorry for whatever I did to hurt you. I have to admit that I don't entirely understand what I did, so I'm aware that's not a full apology, or whether it is just that I was an accessory to your falling out, but I do want to express my regret. You know that I admire you a great deal and it was never my intention to cause you pain. 

I'm glad to hear that the two of you are repairing your friendship. I know Tony wanted it, but he's been so doubtful, as if he didn't believe it would happen. 

Are you still in New York? Take him out to dinner. Make him let you order for him. When I'm back, I'll return the favor. I can't promise you a fancy dinner, but I know a pretty good burger place with gluten free buns in Chelsea.

Steve


	555. Not to be trusted.

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014}**

[LOCATION ID - KITCHEN LVL GRND]

{{RECORDING}}

[Location ID=KITCHEN.MAIN]

{{RECORDING}}

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [shuffling socked footsteps]

[coffee machine beeping]

[fridge door opening]

Thai, Indian, or -- jesus fuck, Stark, you labeled your leftovers? Since when do you bring sushi ho-- ooooh, tako salad.

[chair legs scraping] 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [bell tinkling]

Mew? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Fuck off, fatty. This is _my_ octopus. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow. [hiss] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, what, you hungry? It’s not my problem someone got knocked up. Have Tommy use a rubber next time.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mreeeeeeow. 

[feet padding] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’re fucking creepy is what you are! Get off the counter, you walk in shit, god, fucking cats.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew. [lapping]

[swatting, chair leg scraping]

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [screech] [pattering footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Get a job!! Freeloader!

[footsteps] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I didn’t realize you felt that way. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [chair legs scraping] Jesus fuck -- who the _fuck_ are _you?_

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ah, hello...oh, yes, you’re a pretty cat, aren’t you?

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [purring] Mew.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Tiberius Stone, at your service. I’m afraid I haven’t yet had the pleasure, but you must be...Hawkeye? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …. Uh, yeah, actually. 

…

Tiberius Stone, as in…?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Viastone? Ooh, is that tako?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yup. But I found it fair and square, Mr. Stone.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No. No I tell you, god. Cats. _Not to be trusted_.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ha. _The Losers_ , right? Excellent film. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Fuck yeah it is -- and doesn’t that guy who plays Jensen look creepily like Steve? Man. That shit is weird.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrrrew?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ahh...I’m afraid I’ve only met him once...yes, of course...here’s a little bite for you, kitty. 

**FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [thundering purr]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Seriously don’t. I’m trying to break her of that habit, she’s quite a little sl-- awww, gross, cat spit on the counter.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow. [purring, finger licking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, you like that, don’t you, Kitty? Is she yours? You don’t seem like a cat person. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She belongs to Thor …. I like cats fine. That one gives me the fucking creeps. Shoo! Scat! Get!

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [growling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Thor? God of thunder? There’s a man I’d like to meet. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, he’s a serious experience. She’s pretty attached to him, it’s weird, she likes licking the back of his knees after he showers, apparently. And she never pees in _his_ shoes.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, maybe if you weren’t so rough with her... 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m not rough. I’m a very sensitive guy, thanks. 

So… yeah. Mr. Stone. Stalked any innocent girlfriends in parks lately?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [laughter] I could just as soon say she stalked me. She doesn’t appear to have been so innocent, though, does she? 

[throat clearing]

Or much of a girlfriend.

Please. We’re both in our pajamas, here. It’s Ty.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She was a very nice young lady, Ty. Maybe you scared her off.

So… why exactly are you half dressed in my kitchen? It’d be pretty rad if it wasn’t the glaringly obvious reason I’m trying hard not to visualize.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know, I’ve been coming to this house for thirty years, and I thought it was Tony’s kitchen. The leftovers all have his name on them. 

[snort]

It is rather obvious, isn’t it?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Figures.

T has a weird… _thing_ about leftovers. I meant mine as in, I live here - which I’m pretty sure you don’t.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Not lately.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Are … oh. Iron Man PJs, huh, that’s a sure-fire way to Tony’s heart. Have a nice slumber party?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, if we’re being perfectly honest, there wasn’t much slumbering.

[rummaging]

They’re his pajamas, actually. Are you...wearing Hawkeye pajamas? They make those?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** They’re custom. They were a Christmas present.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Too bad. I thought I might buy myself some.

Ooh, did you call dibs on the egg foo young? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Go for it. 

I didn’t hear you come in last night, you two must have gotten off to a late start.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, it was an early start, but it started elsewhere. 

[microwave beeping, whirring] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Stark’s got stamina, I’ll give him that. And he does that thing with his tongue… I’m surprised he ate out, he usually... dines in. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Well, old habits die hard. He does a _lot_ of things with his tongue. I taught him a few of those. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Somehow I doubt that… [chewing]

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [sniffing]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No. I said no!

[swatting]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well. We trade notes. A lot of notes. You’re welcome to join us sometime, I’m sure. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’d be my highest-dollar threesome to date. Tempting.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, if you’re shooting for a record we could probably get Janet Van Dyne, too. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah? Not familiar with that one, I’m afraid. I’m a pretty blue-collar, cold pizza, shitty beer kind of guy.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Fashion designer. Very high-end fashion designer. We can get you a suit. Not that I’m ever _not_ down for cold pizza and blue collars. 

[microwave beeping]

[drawers opening, silverware clinking] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’re not half so bad as I -- uh, read that you are. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckling] Well, you must have gotten used to the tabloids by now...well. At least secondhand. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, I suppose. I try to keep a low profile… I’m on a bit of a work-related sabbatical at the moment.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Are you? Injury-related, or…?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [chewing] Just mixing it up a little bit. Trying out some private security work.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Trying? Are you looking for something new? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Maybe. You know how it is, I got a real specific skill set, and it can be tough to find the right kind of position.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You’d think what with _The Hunger Games_ being so popular, archers would be all the rage. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Right? That Brave shit, too. My CV’s a little… well. Sketchy. What will all the top secret clearance shit, you can’t really own it in a job interview.

[footsteps, door creaking]

[socks shuffling]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Uh oh, Zombiestark, clear the way to the fuckin’ coffee maker…. 

FUCK. OFF. God, this CAT.

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** YEOWL!!!

[scurrying]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmmmrgh. [mug clattering on counter]

For fuck’s sake… it’s too early for all the shouting...

[coffee pouring]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey there, Cupcake. You want breakfast? I heated up the egg foo young…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** … eh, I’m more of a french toast kind of guy. You can eat the Chinese.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** We can do french toast. I make great french to--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I wouldn’t volunteer, Ty. Nobody can top Steve’s, it’s like eating tiny singing angels.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m sure that’s not all it’s like.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’s really a phenomenal cook, Ty. He does pie crusts that I would literally kill for. God, and the homemade hot cocoa with tiny homemade marshmallows? Holy fucking shit. He even taught Tony to make mayo--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, since when is he _Ty?_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Since he propositioned me five minutes ago. You know. Seems polite.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You were included, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** This… uh. [slurping, yawning] ….more coffee, please.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey, is coffee poisonous for cats? Here kitty kitty…

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Clint, you are not poisoning Thor’s ca--- oh. Hello roomful of shirtless dudes. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Wh -- boooo.

Morning, Becks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Becky? You’re not supposed to be here until -- 

What time is it?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ten-thirty. I’m actually a half-hour late? The traffic was shit. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I told you to make Stark send you the helicopter.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You know I would. For _you._

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, but, like, no helipad on my tiny apartment building, babes. Er. We have a half-naked Tiberius Stone in the house? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I can fix that. Miss Quan, nice to see you again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ty and I were….working late.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I was watching Cosmos with Jane and Darcy and _definitely_ not working. You know. Because, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I was working in the non-euphemistic sense. Tony, I’ve got those specs you wanted from the guys in Cali. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey! That’s good news. Where’s my Starkpad?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** The cat knocked it off the table. Screen’s cracked.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Son of a --

 **FOSTER-ODINSSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, no, here’s mine...do you...uh. Stark Industries only, maybe? And possibly Avengers-and-former-Avengers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I think that’s your cue, sweet cheeks. [slurping]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Clint. Nice talking to you. Here’s my card. Call me...about work. Ahem. In either sense. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Uh … right.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Gumdrop? 

[inaudible] 

Later?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmm. I’ll call you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I need to go get my things; I can show myself out-- Becky, I’d offer, but we already had that discussion. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Seriously, it’s all good. Uh. Toodles?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** See you, dollface.

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ……….

…..so.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You can’t be serious.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Huh?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’s seriously skeevy, Starkers. _Seriously._

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Do your hookup options just, like, get progressively worse? No offense, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** None taken. I am frequently a terrible choice.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** He’s not that bad.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Dude, he hit on me five minutes after he crawled out of your bed.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** He grabbed my ass at your gala. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He talked to Natasha about your dick at a charity function!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** These things happen. Christ, can a man finish his coffee in peace?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’d rather you hook up with Clint again! He’s in the same house and everything! Jesus! 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I hope I get a say in that, because… 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I can’t sleep with Clint! You were mad when I slept with Clint! And, uh. Okay, that was super dickish. Can we … just…

Clint and I both agreed that _that_ was a mistake. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I was making a point. Ugh. No. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Should I, uh… 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Just do me a favor and _don’t_ call that creep just to save Tony…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [paper ripping] No way. It’d be like sleeping with a shark or something -- too many fucking teeth.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Go away, Clint.

Is -- is that my fucking octopus?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It _was_.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Tony, we are not having another fucking battle in the leftover war. Just like, chalk it up to the Great Octopus Massacre of 2014 and let it go. I’ll order you more octo.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [coffee slurping]

Fine.

…

Sorry. I’m… sorry you had to see that.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’ve seen worse. It’s my job. It’s also my job to tell you you’re being a dumbshit. That’s what you hired me for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You want some coffee?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No thanks, I’m already fueled up. Just...uh…

[stool scraping] 

Here. Here’s my StarkPad, all the shit you need to see is already loaded.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmmph. [slurping, tapping]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You … look great, Becky. How’re things?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Hey. Okay. We’re busy with this stupid...Tony’s working on this fabric, it’s based on that weird web shit people keep finding. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sounds kind of oogie. No word on what it’s from?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** The _Bugle_ posted some fucking story about a giant spider but, yeeeeeaaaah, I kind of checked out on them after the shit with Pepper. How’s the jobbie thing?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** What, Stark didn’t have you process my w-2?

I did some temp work while I was out with the “concussion”... it was the most fucking obnoxious intelligence agency I’ve ever seen, run by some crazy Oedipal mother-son combo. Some dude got shot at his desk because none of ‘em fucking know how to handle a side-arm’s safety.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, _I don’t_ know how to do that, but then, yeah, uh. Business management, not…shooting people management.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hah, yeah… I mean, that’s fair.

Then I interviewed with this dude who kept answering phone calls on his shoe? That was weird.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Shoe phone? That could actually be sweet. Think about the hipster cred. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’s pretty fucking true - they never called, though. I feel like, you know. People see ex-SHIELD on your resume and they figure you’re not gonna be around long.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What, like you’re retiring soon?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I … I don’t know. I mean. Work is preferable, but...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You’re a fucking Avenger. There are six of you in the whole world! People should have been fighting for you. Whatever, Tony’s smart to pick you up. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ex-Avenger. Technically now there’s only… two left. It’s like a fucking Agatha Christie novel. But - yeah. It should be good.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Technicalities, pfft. You need any help, let me know, yeah? Earnest Jordan is my bestie, I can get all your paperwork through. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Because you’re the best, obviously. Can you convince Stark I don’t need the mandatory sexual harassment training?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, if it comes to that, I’ll train you myself. 

[silence]

Uh. Yeah.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laugh]

[cough]

Guess I should go, you know, bury myself in the new-employee handbook or something...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** There’s a thing playing at BAM this weekend, call me if you wanna go? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’d … really like that. You know how I like…. things. Text me the details?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. 

[silence]

Later. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** ...later. Watch out for the cat. He’s seriously evil.

[footsteps] 

[trash in garbage can]

[footsteps]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath]

Fuck. 

Okay. So. The tests came back pretty good, but, like...you’ll see, they haven’t been able to source the stuff they need any cheaper than the Hong Kong people, and it’s still, like about fifteen percent higher than we should be paying.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [pause] Uh ... are … you okay ?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Sorry. Yeah, I’m just...I’ll be fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** C’mere. I require hugs.

[rustling, sigh]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oh, you do, do you? [rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yep, and I’m your boss. So double up. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sniffle] 

You okay?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m always okay. You’re the one I’m worried about. I’m sorry, I had my nose glued to the Starkpad, I didn’t realize the levels of awkward had climbed that hard until I looked up...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** This is _stupid hard_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I know. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sniffle] Don’t let him get killed, Tony. Don’t, like, send him to do something stupid and get killed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Becks, you know I’ll do anything I can possibly do to keep that from happening. This is Clint we’re talking about -- he’s top of the class.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I know. I know. I just...he’s not going to have the rest of you to back him up. I don’t...I know he does this, but he’s always had a team. I mean. As long as I’ve known him, at least. Can’t you, like, give him a shoe phone so he can call for backup?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I won’t send him anywhere without a team… but I’m not going to plant him in New York and never let him leave. You know he wouldn’t be any happier doing that than he was with SHIELD.

I could do a shoe-phone. But you have to start calling me Q.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Q-T? Ha. Look, whatever you can. Put a tracker on him when he’s not looking, I don’t care. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Already did. He won’t be off the grid, I promise.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence] 

So you’re really starting up Stark Industries, Archery Division?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Nah. He’s under private security -- I used to have a bodyguard, I’m basically writing him into Happy’s old role and using him where I need him. 

It’s -- wow, you never met Happy, did you. Weird.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You know a guy called Happy.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] If I told you his real name I’d have to kill you.

Come on, Becks. Steve needs someone to get his back, Clint needs the work, is happy to do it. Fucking with Clint is fucking with the Avengers, provided we keep him close enough to the team that they remember.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You’d better be giving him benefits. Match his fucking pension, health care, that shit? He should have been able to retire in a few years. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course I will. I’m secretly hoping that if… well. I think it’d work.

You’re not waiting for that, are you?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence]

I can’t. You can’t stick around to see if somebody’s gonna follow through with long-term plans if the short-term isn’t working.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ….

No. I guess you can’t.

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I’m still stupid in love with him, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I know.

Believe me, I know.

[silence]

C’mon. We have work to do.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah, okay. 

[silence] 

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/KITCHEN…..}**


	556. Tony Stark style

Tones - 

Stone again, really? Meeting the guy once tells me exactly how skeevy he is. I get that he's an old friend and all, but seriously, was Dog Cops Racing not satisfying for you? We can go again and I promise I'll let you win (at least once).

look, this is so none of my business and everything, but i'm about to go down to south america and look steve in the eye and i have no doubt he's going to want to know all about how you are and what's going on in your life, because he's steve and he's just as fucking gone over you as I am over Becky, despite everything. Even if he's hooking up with Rachel, there's no fucking way he's not still tangled up in you. so... yeah, i'm not gonna be dishonest with the guy after everything he's been through his month. i mean, he almost died. his serum broke. his arch-enemies are all over Peru and his taste for self-flagellation is running wild. let me know how you are planning to handle it, or i'm making my own calls and you may not actually like what I decide.

I don't know what you see in Ty but obviously there's something you need there or you wouldn't keep calling. just... don't let him get his hooks to deep, alright? you told me you and Steve were going to talk when he got back, don't make any more stupid decisions now (i am including our wild night in that category, fun as it was) that are gonna risk what you really want. Long game, dude. Play the long game Tony Stark style.

clint


	557. Dickhead with something to prove

Clint - 

While I'm kind of flattered that you've taken such an interested in my liaisons, try to realize that Ty and I go way, way the fuck back. He's a colleague and a friend and occasionally a helping hand (or helping hand...job?) when I need someone who knows me through and through and likes me anyway. I realize he's not by any definition a "good" person, but he's reliable once you understand how he operates, 

Steve knows I've been seeing him, so if that's what you're worried about divulging, be honest. Steve also knows exactly what Ty is to me, for better or for worse. so if he asks, feel free to tell him the truth. I haven't lied to Steve, and I've tried to be straightforward with everyone else involved in our lives. 

Incidentally, you could also mention how desperately i miss him and disconsolate I am without him around if you feel like that'd help my case.

Steve is a genuinely good person, the likes of which I've never met before. I get that when what he writes hurts me it's either because he doesn't realize it or because I am reading into things. _I know that,_ but even knowing that the visceral gut reaction I feel there is still there and still uncomfortable. He's depressed. He's having identity issues. I suspect he's lying to me about the debilitation of his serum, or at least leaving things out because he doesn't want me to worry, or to point out that he's putting himself in danger. The last time I tried to force his hand he decided to run away to South America, so.

(Incidentally I need you to make sure he's using the glucometer properly - I'm gonna show you how to use one before you go.)

I'm still pissed about the Rachel thing, I'm more pissed at myself and the way I'm letting it get to me. Even though I've been telling him for a year to go out and have fun and live a little, it irritates me that he's chosen to do that with her after forcing me to stay put in New York. I don't like her. I don't trust her. But really, if our positions were swapped my ex was placing expectations on me like the ones I'm placing on Steve I'd be pissed the fuck off. hell, I'd go out and do the opposite of what he wanted, because I'm a dickhead with something to prove. 

What I don't want to do is open my mouth and just make things worse, so just - be yourself, and don't let him get himself killed. 

T


	558. Mutiple Anonymous Complaints

Team:

I'm scheduled to arrive next Wednesday, April 9, with two more new team members in tow. Before then, there are a few issues that have come to my attention.

1) S.H.I.E.L.D., as an organization, does not tolerate animal abuse. I have received multiple anonymous complaints referencing the mistreatment of a pregnant feline currently living in Mr. Stark's Old Westbury residence. I will be investigating these complaints upon my arrival.

2) Corollary to the above complaint, I have received one complaint that suggests that said feline is not being fed properly in her owner's absence. It goes on to say that the animal in question has a very sensitive digestive system that disagrees with dry food.

3) I have also been asked to inform you that S.H.I.E.L.D. does not approve of the use of shock collars on animals.

4) I have no idea who or what a Tiberius Stone is, nor do I care, but I have been asked to reiterate that all civilians must submit to a thorough security clearance procedure before being granted access to any and all SHIELD work-related areas, even those maintained by our contractors. As this responsibility was previously under the oversight of Captain Rogers, it has now passed to me, though I may consider delegating the responsibility to one of the newer team members. 

5) I take my coffee with one milk, one sugar, and one brandy. That's for you, Stark; you still owe me for helping to clean up the Norco mess.

Let me know if you have any questions or further complaints.

Best,

Barbara Morse, PhD  
"Mockingbird"  
Team Leader, The Avengers Initiative


	559. Not just drowning himself

Steve -

I don't mind you speaking to me about Tony - honestly, he and I have talked more about your relationship in the last week than we ever did about our own; that speaks for the quality of both, I think. If we're going to be properly friends I want to be the kind of support you need, so you are welcome to speak candidly about anything you like. I'm sure you'll have the opportunity to return the favor eventually, regardless of whether or not you two patch things up.

Don't worry about Tony. I'll make sure he's fed and watered and not just drowning himself in alcoholic chlorophyll shakes. He needs to be healthy enough to grovel appropriately upon your return to New York.

Pepper


	560. I miss the new one more

Pepper,

Thank you. ~~Thank you. Thank you.~~

Things are fine here-- as fine as can be expected when you're in a strange country where you speak the language only passably with a less-than-passable accent, and you're looking for people you might not recognize, who might recognize you first, who already tried to kill you once, and your only ally is someone with extremely questionable judgment in spite of all of their positive qualities.

I miss New York desperately. I always miss New York. I missed New York when I was in Europe, but it was different, then, because I thought I'd be returning home, that everything would go back to how it was before, I'd finish school, get married, settle down…all the things that were expected of me. I never said goodbye to it, because I always expected I'd come back to it. Then I was in New York again, but I still missed New York, because the New York I loved was gone. 

Now I have two New Yorks to miss, both filled with different people, different places, smells, sounds. There's a New York that's dead forever, that hides behind new facades, shows itself in tiny patches, in the few glass vault light sidewalks down around Soho, in the neon of the Katz' Deli sign, the ornate interiors of the grand old theaters, the stone of the Brooklyn Bridge and the creaking wood of the Cyclone. And there's the New York of now, the smells of street food I'd never encountered before, gyro and falafel and kimchi tacos, _Delicioso Coco Helado_ , churros and Belgian waffles, the New York of Duane Reade and Chase Manhattan on every corner, of kids breakdancing on the subways, of pedicabs and the Freedom Tower, shining like an illuminated needle about to pierce the heavens. And somehow I think I miss the new one more. 

I miss Tony. I honestly don't know how I should feel about this whole situation. I probably shouldn't be saying this to you, but I'm so goddamn in love with him, in the way that twists your insides when you're not together. He's the most brilliant man I know, but he never acts smug about it, he just...acts like he's ordinary, like he assumes everyone is that smart, like we're all important, like there's no question we could do what he does if we applied ourselves. He's taught me so much...even just in terms of understanding this New York, this century, this world. He's generous to fault, in this offhanded way, as if it doesn't matter, and he's so thoughtful about it, too. But that can be its own problem. He does…this thing, with people he cares about, defers to them to the point that it becomes destructive, hurts himself to please them, which is all grand and romantic, but he seems to forget to ask them what would please them, so he's hurting himself for no reason. If he'd only tell me what he wanted, or ask me what I wanted, we might be better off. I don't know how to fix it. I want to, but...I know, I know the simple answer is to tell him what I want, but...

I tend to expect people to do what they think is right to do, without hidden motives or agendas, and maybe that's a bit naive, but it's a language we don't share, and I don't know how to reconcile it. I can't ask him for things and not know if giving it is hurting him if he does it to please me no matter what.

I know it's not all him, and I don't mean to sound as if it is. I know that he wants me to be more open; I don't know if that's something I can do. I could compromise more, I suppose. I could have waited to leave. But after my accident, everything was so claustrophobic, I thought I might claw through the walls.

I needed to leave. I couldn't-- It's been years since I've had any control over the direction my life takes. I need more of that, and I need to do it for myself, and I don't think Tony understands, because I don't think he knows what it's like to find yourself choked by a tight, government-controlled leash. I came out here nominally to find this Crown, but realizing that some days I'm going to be a target for no other reason than trying to do good…it's making me reassess a lot of things. I feel like I've been bought and sold without my knowledge or permission. These people aren't the same people I trusted enough to submit to the experiment in the first place. But it's a good kind of entrapment, isn't it? Because I'm in a place where I can be of service to people in a way I wouldn't be permitted to, otherwise.

On one hand, I spend a lot of time thinking I might not want that to be my life anymore. On the other hand, I don't think I can live without it.

I've tried to talk to Tony about these things a few times since I left, but I'm not really sure what I should and shouldn't be saying to him.

Sorry. I know this isn't exactly what you were asking, but once I got started, it just sort of came out. 

Thanks again,

Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team!
> 
> As promised, there is [Steve-centric prequel fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1976979) to go along with this chapter! It goes into further depth about some of the things Steve references in his letter to Pepper, and you'll see some other references, too.


	561. A fucking joyride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is NSFW, coming as close as you can get to explicit when you're telling a story through sound effects. It also contains emotional manipulation in the midst of a thoroughly consensual sex scene.
> 
> (CAN YOU GUESS WHO MAKES AN APPEARANCE TODAY?)
> 
> If you feel that any of this might make you uncomfortable, you can skip to the end for more notes!

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE}**

[LOCATION ID - FOYER LVL -1]

{{RECORDING}}

[footsteps padding on wood]

[door creaking open]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, Ty-chi. Thank for coming out.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** No-- no problem; traffic at this hour is a breeze. Hey, Moose.

How’s it being a dog-parent?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [rumbling growl]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Moosey goosey, don’t growl, you know Ty. Come on now.

I’m not parenting. The dog’s just on loan. I’m basically the world’s most underpaid dog sitter.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey. Hey, Moose. Aww. Good boy. You’re dog-sitting for your ex-boyfriend who’s probably never coming back? Great gig to get stuck with. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Well, he’s very well behaved so it’s not much trouble. I make my PA walk him and shit. 

I’ve been taking him to California now and then, he’s a great flier. Sits by my feet and snoozed the whole way, only grumbles a little bit when the landing gear comes out...

[footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Cute. Almost as cute as you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hah, smooth, Stone.

[smooch] How’re you?

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [paws clicking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** He follows you everywhere. You should just tell Captain America the deal’s off, the dog is yours. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** What would _I_ do with a dog? I can barely keep a house plant alive, let alone a four legged creature.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Pfft, it’s just like one of your robots, but furry. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Who says I haven’t invented the world’s furriest robots? You don’t know. At least I don’t have to feed DUM-E, he charges himself.

[footsteps]

Take your coat?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What the hell is this, sweet potato? Being a gentleman and everything. [rustling] You really fixed up the place, didn’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s a bit of a project, but it’s coming along. The master’s still under construction and I’m in the process of repainting all the trim… or was, ‘til Steve bailed.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What, and now you’re just stopping? For what? You’re not going to just give up on projects because of this, are you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** He was my head contractor. I’m in the market.

[footsteps] It’s still so weird to see you here, at your age.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What age is that?

[footsteps] 

Do you want me to paint your trim? Is that why you called?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** An age older than 19. And no; that’s kind of menial for you…. I can’t imagine you in grubby, paint-stained jeans. [footsteps]

[rustling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, you’d just have to imagine me out of them, then.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Thought you might want a nightcap.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [kissing]

I can get a nightcap in Manhattan, baby. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, but they’re fresh outta _me_ in Manhattan.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

Well, I’m happy to come out. It’s weird. Shit. You remember that Halloween party? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Could I really forget? God, that was a long time ago.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You should have another. One for the history books. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Who would I invite? The old crew is all married, kids, the works. That or dead.

Same thing, really.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Me. Jan would come. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Yeah she would…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hah. Your teammates? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Clint and Thor would come. I don’t know about the others.

[kissing]

Remember how we used to slide down the banisters? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** How could I forget?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Then I dislocated my shoulder the last weekend of summer vacation and couldn’t try out for lacrosse senior year...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And I carried your books for three weeks?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I always thought Jarvis knew how to set a shoulder from his army days. Turns out he was a secret fucking agent.

[silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** If it makes you feel better, he probably still did learn during his army days. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I feel old, Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Is that what this is about? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t know. I keep thinking… I don’t know.

I always thought I’d have my shit figured out by now.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, for fuck’s sake, Tony. You’re the second-richest man in America. You’re an international hero. Who’s got his shit figured out more than that?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s not what I mean. I just -- remember how I couldn’t stop crying? And my back was nothing but bruises. I thought it was the most painful thing I’d ever experience.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Of course I remember. I remember every single one of your bruises.

[snort]

And being too shy to kiss them better.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** We were just kids.

[footsteps, door creaking open]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [sniffing, sitting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I can’t believe it’s been twenty three years since my parents died. I remember sitting in dad’s office, stupid-drunk and glaring at Obie while ripping open his vintage Captain America merchandise. 

And you showed up, even though I told you not to.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, I never trusted Obie. You know that.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I know. I never know with you.

The first time I ever got drunk was that night we snuck in here and drank half a bottle of cognac.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ha, the Remy-Martin? Was that really the first time?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah. I was super nervous, I figured my dad would be pissed as hell if he noticed.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** He didn’t.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, you were right again. I never thought you’d be the constant. I don’t -- that sounds dickish. It’s more like, of everything I had when we were fifteen and laying drunk on the rug in dad’s study, you weren’t the thing I would have guessed I’d ...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Keep?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ...yeah.

[rustling, inaudible]

Not that I deserved to. Even now, I’m not being fair to you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] How’s that, exactly?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You know how.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [kissing, rustling] 

So, what’s the matter this time? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I told you, I don’t know. Nothing’s the matter. It’s all...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t fuck with me, Tony. I’ve known you for thirty years and you only call me out of the blue like that when something’s the matter. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I have a few ideas for the public image campaign, but those will keep til tomorrow. I honestly wanted to see you, plan a few plans.... 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Yeah? Are they going to involve your shirt and my teeth? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** If you’re good.

[smooches]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Now you’re being unfair. You know I can’t be good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [chuckling, footsteps] 

Let me kennel the dog, then we can get comfy. Wait here - he sleeps in the master.

[footsteps, claws clicking]

[cage shutting]

C’mon. This hallway’s like a fucking tomb.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You didn’t say that the last time we were in this hallway.

[footsteps]

[door creaks]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [laugh]

Oh, Tony. Always overdoing it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s just a fire. [rhythmic footsteps] “Baby, it’s coooold ouuuutside…”

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps] Last time, I sang that to you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Nothing says “I love you” like a stalker song. Here, let me undo your tie...

[rustling, silk tugging, inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Mmmm…Always with the same little tricks.

[inaudible]

Nothing says “I love you” like a Tony Stark trademarked...ahhhhh…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmhmmm. You miss my massages, admit it.

[silence, rustling]

Do you still carry tension in your shoulders? Mm, yeah, you do. I bet you still slump when you program in your PJs.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Ah, god, Tony, you just, yeah...right there...ah…

Fuck. You love my PJs.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Your PJs and your delts. It’s like massaging a wall. I need to stop hanging around guys that make me look miniscule.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, we both know you more than make up for it. Besides. You’re the perfect size for…

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible, muffled laughter, thwacking]

Rub it in why don’t you, you’re smothering me. Bastard.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] You wanted to be smothered.

I know you didn’t call me over just to turn me into putty in your hands. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** But I like it when you go all warm and fuzzy. It’s unusual these days.

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Whose fault is that, Mister I-Date-Exclusively?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Not everything is my fault, Tippecanoe. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I’m not the one who stopped calling. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I doubt you lost much sleep over it. You’re a pretty busy guy.

[smooch]

Do you still own half of Playgirl?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

Fuck no. I sold that off ages ago. You can’t run a magazine full of nude men when the editorial staff refuses to admit men read it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Fair enough. Vogue? GQ? 

I want to do a full spread, baby. [inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Mmmm...you can do a full spread for me right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Name the magazine and I’ll get you what you want. I have people at Esquire who owe me favors. They keep winning awards over there.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Esquire works. I just want full body shots. At least one shirtless, otherwise they can be clothed, just -- 

**STONE.Tiberius:** _Clothed_? [inaudible] That’s a sin. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible]

Maybe a little bit about my brains or my selfless, genuine nature. But mostly full body shots.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What’s the angle? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Strength. Kind of a … Tony Stark Doesn’t Give A Fuck thing. Kind of a why-do-you-give-a-shit-who-i-fuck middle finger towards the right wing fuckwits still running those elevator shots.

I keep thinking about the way you looked at me after that panic attack. You had this look on your face like you didn’t know me at all. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I’d never seen you like that. I didn’t know what to do.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s what I mean. You had no idea what to do with me. So… I want to tell people what to do with me. Take it back in my own hands. Take off the mask.

Why do you look so -- is that ridiculous?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Depends what you’re going to tell them.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I was thinking about -- the surgeries. Maybe a little bit about the suit, and why the arc reactor was removed. New York. PTSD...maybe. Not sure if that needs to be public or what.

I just want to remind people that the fucking storefronts weren’t the only thing to come out of New York scathed, and that the Avengers are human.

Mostly.

[silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] What I know is you’re fucking incredible, scathed or not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course you think that. You think I walk on water.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** So? I’m sure you’ve got a function for that in your suit.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [smooch]

I haven’t done any shoots since Afghanistan. What with my little shrapnel problem it was a matter of proprietary tech. Afterward it just didn’t seem worth it, but it might be time to bare it all, so to speak, and get the human interest side of things working. 

You like my scars well enough. Maybe it’d impress some of these dipshits who think they warrant an opinion on what I do. We can hit on some of the Roxxon stuff too, keep their negative press in the headlines, disguised as an interview...

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Of course I like your scars. 

[rustling] 

You impress everyone. 

[inaudible] 

And I have opinions about what you do. It might make me jealous.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Sure_ it would.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And what do I get in return? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You require more than a full spread? [laugh]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Not enough, baby. [kissing, rustling] I’d have that anyway, and you’re making me share with the world. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We’ve always shared.

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Only because you never agreed to marry me, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We were _kids_ , Ty. Besides, it was never legal when you asked. [chuckling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It was legal in Massachusetts the last time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We both remember how that turned out.

You’re not going to ask me to marry you again, are you?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It’s legal now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, well. _Now_ we’re old enough to know better.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You know that with this electric deaI, we’re good as married anyway. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re just fishing for a honeymoon. How about that as a thank-you? We could finish the sex tape.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [laugh] That’s a given, Tony. You already owed me that. Honestly.

I got you a deal that made international headlines; I’m getting you a sexy magazine spread, and I miiiiight be able to get you enough dirt on Roxxon to stick them in the ground…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmm. Fuck yeah, I love it when you talk corporate sabotage in bed.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** We’re not even in bed, Tony. [inaudible] Do you want to change that?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Are we too old to fuck on the carpet by the fire? Boo.

[smooch]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m not too old for whatever you want.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** What I want is a fucking fantastic Esquire spread, bonus points if they publish in South America… do they? I don’t even know.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, they named Pope Francis the best-dressed man of 2013, so…

[inaudible]

But I get it. You want to make Captain America jealous? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I want to make sure we’ve got spanish-language circulation in areas where Roxxon’s got plants. [snort]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You want to use me to win your ex back. 

[laugh]

On top of everything else?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I didn’t say anything about winning him back, but I wouldn’t be opposed to a little manly jealousy.

Honestly, he’s a secondary concern across the board. We ought to be focused on Roxxon and the damage they’re doing.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** We? 

[smooch]

I haven’t heard the word ‘merger’ come out of your mouth. Or “I do”. You want my focus on Roxxon, you’re going to have to earn it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [shifting] C’mon, don’t be like that. You know how deadly we can be when we move together.

They’ve been going for the throat with my initiatives; their US-base constantly skates on environmental bullshit, but you know they’re disappearing some serious numbers… [inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And I’m already doing you one favor, and maybe two in that department. Big Oil isn’t an enemy I need to make, Tony. 

[inaudible] 

Much as I love your fucking mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** They’re already pissed you’ve contracted for ARC energy. In for a penny, in for a pound. Besides, it suits your image.

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You’re welcome. 

Mmm…

[nibbling] 

What do I get? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re wrapped around the second richest man in America - the fucking satisfaction should be all you require. 

[inaudible, groaning]

Dare I ask what you _want_?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Apart from every inch of you? Are you not even going to make me an offer?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You obviously aren’t satisfied with anything I have on hand.

[smooch]

Or the stock spike since you publicly announced our business relationship.

[smooch]

Or the...fringe benefits.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** We both benefited from those. Pardon me, but I’m satisfied with quite a bit that you have on hand. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Are you saying you don’t want me to enjoy this?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** When have I ever discouraged you from enjoying anything? I just want to enjoy this, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps]

I didn’t realize it was such a hardship. Cognac?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Why not? 

[footsteps]

Tony. Tony, Tony. Always so stingy with favors.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** What about a cabinet member or two? I’ve got a couple in my pocket, I could push them away from the NSA-related monitoring they’ve been shoving down your throat.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Let me get this straight. 

[smooch]

Do I get the--

[smooch]

_cabinet members_

[smooch]

down my throat? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Would you want them? _That_ I’m not sure I can vouch for.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [rustling]

Do I get _you_ down my throat? 

[unzipping] 

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s…. always been a sure thing, Ty.

God --

[inaudible] 

Don’t think you can distract me from this; I have a very _serious_ need. Also I might spill your drink.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, I can tell you do. 

[inaudible] 

[rustling] 

[thump]

[cloth hitting floor]

Tell me more. Tell me what I get. Exactly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m a little busy here -- very busy being impressed by your knees. You’re pretty fucking spry -- ahh -- [breath]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I told you I wasn’t too old. 

[breath]

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ve got two cabinet members, 27 congressmen, and one justice on -- ah, ha, ha, ahh - on payroll. They cover me on the monopoly bullshit re: the arc reactor and --

You -

[breathing] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Mmm. 

[inaudible] 

God, you look so… 

[smooch]

Perfect. All mussed and…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [ice clinking, glass scraping]

Shit-- I can’t --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You don’t have to do anything. 

[smooch] 

Lean back. Or get on the floor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Come on, just, come on--

You’re so--

[sliding, glass clinking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

\--fucking perfect.

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ty…..

What do you want me to say? I know you have an answer you want to hear, you - ha - always do.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I bet you can guess--

[inaudible] 

What I want--

[inaudible] 

To hear. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** What - I want you? I need you? Please. You want something specific, you -- Jesus, Ty, your fucking mouth --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

You love my mouth. 

[inaudible]

[purring]

Let me wear a suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Let you --

[breathing]

That’s… ridiculous. Don’t ask me for that.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

You get to make the rules. 

[inaudible] 

Anything you say. 

[inaudible]

I just want to know what it feels like. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You don’t … mean….

[rustling, groaning]

Ty, I can’t -- give you that. You know I have to say no.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Tony, relax. Lie...c’mon, let me... 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I _am_ relaxed. Here, to the left, carpet, better than hardwood…

[sliding, shifting] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

Why not? 

[inaudible] 

You’d have complete control. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** The suit is a part of me, Ty. It’s an extension of -- it’s -- 

[shifting, panting]

Not something you take out for a fucking joyride. 

**STONE.Tiberius:**

I understand that. I respect that.

[breath]

[inaudible]

But it’s the only part of you I’ve never gotten to see up close...touch...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s not something I can share. Ty.

[shifting]

You don’t understand. It’s bad enough without you crawling under my skin.

[breathing] Please…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’ll do whatever you want. 

[inaudible]

You _know_ I’ll do whatever you want. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** And by that, you mean whatever _you_ \-- oh -- you want. Ty, I can’t. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Please?

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [groan] 

No. [panting] Nobody wears the suit. Nobody but me.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Rhodey did.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Extenuating circumstances. Please--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

You’re just making me want it more. 

[inaudible]

You know I’ll wear you down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Fly _with_ me instead. I’ll wrap myself around you and take you up ten thousand feet, it’s incredible, the wind in your hair and my hands on your back, I’ll … Ty, please, Ty, Ty --

 **STONE.Tiberius:**

[breath]

You have more than one suit. 

[inaudible]

Say yes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** No.

[groaning, inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Are you really going to deny me such a small thing, after everything? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s not small. 

It’s everything, now.

Please, just -- 

[moaning]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Please what? Are you going to beg me when you won’t give me what I want? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m not begging.

You’re seriously skipping political hard-hitters for the sake of playing with my toys? What… the fuck… is wrong with you, Ty? 

[groaning]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

You just said the suit’s part of you. 

[inaudible]

Doesn’t that answer your question? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t get you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I want you. 

[inaudible]

All of you. 

[inaudible]

I want to pin you down and watch you stare at your own reflection. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [groaning]

Join the fucking club, take a number.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I _am_ the fucking club. [inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** If I say yes -- it’s literally wearing. A suit. That I built. I want operative control, you’ll be prancing around in a glorified fucking remote control car.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Lock me in a metal suit and make me do whatever you want? You’re just making it sound hotter all the time. Come on, Tony. Just once.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I want -- I want -- oh, for fuck’s sake, you’re such a bastard --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible]

I’ll do--

[inaudible]

anything--

[inaudible]

you tell me--

[inaudible]

to.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** God, fine, fine -- just -- 

My suit, my rules.

Don’t stop, god, Ty, I’m gonna -- 

[choked gasp, panting]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

Mmmm.

[chuckle] 

[smooch]

[breathing] 

You’re so easy, TastyKake. I could have taken your cabinet members _and_ asked, and you would have said yes. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re … [panting] ….full of shit. Full. Of shit. Ty.

[inaudible]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you’re magnificent. 

[smooch] Don’t say you didn’t need that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I always need that.

Don’t… [rustling, shuffling]

You’re…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [inaudible] 

Mmm. Not going anywhere, baby. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Why I do I ever call you? I know I’m going to regret this.

[unzipping, shifting]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hm. I promise _I_ won’t. Come on, now, CookiePuss, put that mouth to better use than trying to refuse me.

[shifting, groaning]

**[ENCRYPTING]**  
 **{SAVING TO FILE: C://TSTARK/TEMP/SECURITY/LVL1/GUESTROOMIV...}**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this scene, Tony calls up Ty and invites him to the Long Island house. 
> 
> Tony asks Ty to use his media muscle to get him a full-page spread in a magazine, with a shirtless photo, the first time Tony's posed shirtless since before Afghanistan. 
> 
> Ty asks for a favor in return. Tony starts listing potential favors. Ty turns them down, but removes Tony's pants and starts giving him a blow job. 
> 
> Tony asks Ty what he wants, and Ty says that he wants to wear one of Tony's Iron Man suits. At first Tony flat-out refuses, but Ty continues to argue his case, and agrees to any terms Tony sets forth. Ty teases Tony physically and resorts to orgasm delay to procure agreement from Tony. The scene ends with Ty unzipping his own pants.
> 
> _____________
> 
> Oh hey and it's been **ten months** since we started 1796 Broadway! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and all those other lovely things you do!!!


	562. Handsome in a Classical Style

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  


My Honorable Friends!

I have found Great Success in my Journey and at last have made my Way, most Rough and Treacherous, to the Lair of the Legendary Sphinx.

Ah, but this Creature is not to be believed, and surpassed even my own Imagination, though I have seen Truly Fantastical Things in my Journeys of the Nine Realms. It is truly a Thing of Beauty and Awesome Terror. The Plumage of its Wings are all the Colors of Creation; the Fur of its Back a Glimmering Gold, and its Face is Handsome in a Classical Style.

This Mightiest of Creatures gave me a Challenge: I was to answer its Riddle, else it would rend my Body into Bloody Shreds of Flesh. 

Were I to triumph in this Challenge, though, the Sphinx would answer my Question, and I would be further upon my Journey! 

I agreed to this Challenge, and did not disappoint this most Worthy Purveyor of Riddles by warning it that such Attempts at my Destruction would prove Fruitless. 

By Fortuitous Chance, the Sphinx asked me a Question, which, by my Great Fortune, related the Tale of Two Brothers, the Eldest of which was trusted upon to always speak Truth, and the Younger being a Pernicious Liar. 

It was my Task to determine which Brother was the Truth-teller. As I have much Personal Experience in this Milieu, I determined swiftly the Correct Response to the Puzzle, much to the Dismay of the Glorious Sphinx, who was much put-upon to receive my Query. 

It is through this Trial that I have received this Knowledge: that the Serpent Crown was once dismantled by those loyal to Osiris, who were fearful of the Destruction it might wreak. A portion of the Helm was broken and cast into a Brilliant Ring, shaped into the form of a Winged Scarab, the symbol of Life and Renewal, and thus the Crown was rendered Useless. But Followers of Set created a Second Ring, of Near-Equal to the First, in order to Restore its Power, and re-formed it into a Serpent which sits, when united, as a Jewel in the Crown. Yet this Second Ring, while in All Things as powerful as its Predecessor, could not destroy the Crown, for it was attempted by the Atlanteans, who believed the Crown to be rendered Useless by their Efforts, and thus it was abandoned to the Sea, where it sat in wait for a new Disciple to discover its Power. 

Both hold great power, but only the Original may destroy the Crown. The Sphinx has sent me on my Way, with Great Hope that I shall discover its Location.

It has come to my attention that Knut the Viking Chieftain is not being treated in a manner which befits her Delicate State. I would request that she only dine upon the most Delectable Morsels in my absence, and that these should be placed upon the finest China using a Silver Spoon. 

I have Purchased the Stately Pleasure Palace pictured below on a recommendation from the Lady Darcy, and hope that she will find it Worthy and that it will quell the Turmoil in her Heart at this most Unbefitting Treatment. It is with Deep Regret that I inform you that I shall be having Strong Words with Those Responsible upon my Return. 

I wish you all great Fortitude in the Time to come, and am sure we shall find Triumph!

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms

ATTACHMENT:


	563. Minor Interpersonal Disputes

Team,

Before my inbox bursts, please note: I'm sure Captain Rogers did an excellent job as team leader, but please be informed that it is _nowhere_ in the SHIELD guidelines that a team leader's responsibilities include settling minor interpersonal disputes.

These, minor though they apparently do not seem to some of you, include disputes over pet food purchases. I will no longer be responding to related communications.

It _is_ within the SHIELD guidelines that a team leader's responsibilities include matters of security. I am under the impression that no attempts have been made to rectify the security clearance issue I raised in my last email.

As one of your new teammates has past experience with Stark Industries' security breaches, I will be sending your teammates ahead of my arrival. 

Re: Stark's request, I've received Dr. Banner's readings on Captain Rogers' erratic serum levels, and will be taking a look at them in my off-hours. Just a preliminary finding-- I don't know if you've picked this up, but it doesn't appear that the issue is with the amount of serum in the blood. That seems to have stabilized. It looks like it's not binding properly with the cells, so its benefits aren't moving past his bloodstream. Does that make sense to either of you?

If you don't mind sending me your father's notes on the serum trials, Stark, I might be able to cross-reference them to get a better sense of the problem. I understand that they are proprietary, however-- if you'd prefer not, I'll do my best on my own.

Barbara Morse, PhD  
"Mockingbird"  
Team Leader, The Avengers Initiative


	564. The needs of a costumed superhero

T--

Ray and I went over the readouts from the Viastone satellites; I think we've got a good guess about where to go. Listen: Banner's not getting any radiation readings that look like they match Howard's notes. So we assume they're dampening the signal. That means we go where the gamma readings are weakest. 

Which happens to be a point on Lake Titicaca, just as you and Thor suspected.

Ray and I are on our way south to Puno. Ray's having some real trouble with the altitude sickness; I've been trying to get her enough oxygen and water and everything, but she's getting nosebleeds and nausea, so we're having to go slow. We plan on stopping in Puno for a night or two, whatever you need to get things coordinated on your end--what's Barton's timing? You'll tell us when we're ready to move?

We got the new supplies, too, before we left. Thanks for the rebreather; if our hunch about the lake is right, this will come in handy.

Look, Tony, I need to say something to you about what's going on down here. these people have incredible resources, but no infrastructure, no way of taking advantage ofthose resources. They're getting hoodwinked by companies like Roxxon that are dumping all kinds of questionable garbage into this beautiful lake. Peru is trying to keep the lake clean, but there are a lot fewer regulations on the Bolivian side (guess where the Roxxon facility is), and the Peruvians can't do anything about it. 

I know you try to keep your businesses stateside, but a place like this could really benefit from an ethical investor who was willing to demand better regulations, pay people a decent wage, put money into building roads, electricity-- the electricity here is still unreliable. Just a little more money in the infrastructure would do wonders for these people; I mean it. 

I've been thinking-- I guess it's obvious by now-- a lot about personal responsibility on a global scale, and what I want to do when I get back. I think I've been spending too much time putting the needs of a costumed superhero ahead of my own. Instead of worrying about whether my actions are going to reflect badly on a fictional icon, maybe it's about time the fictional icon got up and did something. 

Pepper sent me an email and offered to talk to me about some things. I wrote her back. Anyway, if you're not comfortable talking about personal things right now, I'm going to keep talking to Pepper, if that's okay. It seems to be fine with her, and I trust that she'll tell me if there's anything she doesn't want to talk about. She's good about that. I'm really glad she was willing to write; I'm not sure what you said to her, but I suspect it must have been you, so thanks. 

I hope everything's all right with you. I'm glad Stone's willing to get us the satellite images, but please-- I hope you're not giving him too much in exchange. Be careful with him, Tony. 

\--S


	565. It’ll all shake out

**[LVL 45 / PENTHOUSE 2 SENSORS ACTIVE]**

**[LVL 45 / PENTHOUSE 2 MOTION SENSORS TRACKING: ORGANIC:STARK.Anthony.E; STONE.Tiberius;]**

**STONE.Tiberius:** [laughter] Wait, so then...what does this do?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckles] It cups the _perfect_

musculature of the pilot, obviously. Cup and, you know. Support. _Embrace._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckle] 

[inaudible]

I’ve never heard you talk that way when you’re putting _more_ clothes on me.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hey, you asked. [kiss]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you’re going to take it all off piece by piece when we’re done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Naturally. But only when we’re done -- and while the disassembly unit is holding you pinned by your gauntlets. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** God, yes. Anything you say. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter, smooching] Hold still - the nanotech is scanning your telemetry.

[clicking, whirring, buzzing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You're fucking incredible, Tony. Just tell the nanotech my telemetry’s perfect. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That much is obvious. [inaudible]

Mmm.

So getting the casing to adjust within a certain set of parameters was touchy, I couldn’t have the armor mis-aligning anytime I lost a pound or two, so there’s a limited amount of leeway in the haptic undersuit…

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you’ve lost more than that lately. What the hell are they feeding you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Smoothies? ….Steve was generally on sandwich duty. You know how it is, when I’m into a project.

[clicking, whirring]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Sandwich duty? You must be joking; I’m taking you to the Hellfire Club after this; I'll even stoop to buying you a steak--

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Sir, I must interrupt--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s fine, J… besides, don’t you like it when I go without protein -- 

**STARK.Jarvis:** No, it’s really quite--

[doors open]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** So they told m--what the _hell_. No. No. Tony. _You_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fu--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Nice to see you again, too, Lieutenant.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** _Colonel._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** R-... Rhodey.

What the fuck -- you didn’t call! Rhodey!!

[footsteps]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Call? I thought Fury told you-- Tony. You’re doing that thing where you-- why the hell is he here?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who? Ty? Well, you see. We... 

**STONE.Tiberius:** We have a business arrangement? Maybe you heard about it?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I know all about what you call a ‘business arrangement,’ Stone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing] 

He offered to do me a favor. I’m just owning up to my part of the deal.

Wait - Fury?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Yes, Fury. Tony. What do we say about accepting favors from Tiberius Stone?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** “That way lies despair…..”? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You do realize I’m right here? In the room?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Not in five minutes, you’re not.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….Rhodey, be nice. I do owe him.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You’re giving him an 85% discount on his power bills and _you_ owe him? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, you do know how to read!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There were other elements in the negotiations. How’d you get 85%??

 **RHODES.James.R.:** By calculating his current energy usage compared to the output of the-- why the hell does it matter? Out. Or I tell Fury to suspend you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What?_ Since when do you give Fury orders, Rhodes?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Well, you’re obviously not of sound mind if you’re-- _holy hell, Ty, that’s creepy._ \--hanging around with this-- you’re putting him in a suit. You made me steal one! And you’re just--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We… 

[silence]

Fury recruited you? Shit, please tell me Fury didn’t --

 **RHODES.James.R.:** And Carol. It’s a temporary assignment. And we weren't given much choice in the matter.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

Sorry, Ty. You need to… Jarvis?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** I told you so, sir.

[clicking, whirring, un-clacking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. [silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t worry. I know how this goes. You get lectured by Mommy Rhodes; I’ll call you later.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is Avengers business, Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You left a shirt and one of the new Starkpads in my penthouse. I’ll call you later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

Please. Like I would ever leave a Starkpad in your hands.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, if you don’t want it back, I know a few people at Gizmodo…

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You fucking tool - are you stealing shit out of my bag?? You’re such a fucking rat.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I wanted to look something up, and I forgot to put it back. If I were _stealing_ things, I wouldn’t be telling you to come over to get them, would I? Just come over. I'll call you later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just go.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Going. [smooching sounds] 

[smooch]

[footsteps]

[door closing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Ah. Rhodey. I’m sorry, there was a bit of a -- ah -- personal sort of misunderstanding here…. Fury called you, you’re … you must be standing in for Steve. Drink?

[footsteps, ice clinking in glass]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You still have Sam Adams on tap for me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do bears shit in the woods?

[fridge door opening, glass clinking]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Why. Was that. Person. In that suit? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [tap hissing]

He got me information I needed; information relative to team-related venture. He wanted to try a suit. Once.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Team-related venture meaning Captain America? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have no idea what you could mean. I didn’t see any e-mail confirming any resignations; did you?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** That’s why I’m calling him Captain America. Give me that beer. Sit down. You look like shit. Start at the top. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….what did Fury ask you to do, exactly?

[footsteps]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [sipping] 

Officially? FIll in for Rogers in the field, since he wants Morse working with Banner in the lab. Off the record? Why the hell do you think he went through the paperwork to request _me_ , of all people? And before you ask, no, I didn’t volunteer for this.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you shitting me? You’re…

[silence]

You’re someone I would trust, but someone who respects the chain of command. You here to keep me in line.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I’m here to make sure you don’t flip another fucking sportscar and kill yourself this time. Is that the same thing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. I don’t need a cheerleader.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Good, I wasn’t about to cheer.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Though if you wanted to wear the--

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Yeah, I already tried that sophomore year. As long as there is an internet, I will never do that again..

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Come on. You know about me and Steve. It shouldn’t surprise you that I’d do what needs to be done to get him information that could save his life.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Save his-- look. I know he's gone, but... What the hell is he up to?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It doesn’t matter, does it? 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Considering I know where _you_ were when you disappeared at twenty-seven, I’m going to take this as a sign that you are _way_ too much alike for this to be in any way a good idea. Plus you have a room full of dolls of him. It’s a little weird, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I inherited the fucking room, give me a break.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Even weirder.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Look, I would have told you if he’d been -- he didn’t know you, he had this… it doesn’t matter. The Ty thing is under control, and you don't need to be here. That's my business.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I have orders that suggest the opposite. And if Tiberius Stone is around, it had better damn well be everyone’s business. The man is a walking security breach.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get that he harassed you at a tender age, but that was _literally_ two decades ago, you need to let shit go, babycakes.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** He used to steal your code.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

[silence]

He’s not that bad, Rhodey.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony. Remember 2004.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That was ten years ago.

I’m not saying he’s a good person, I’m saying that there are reasons I might need him close to me _now_. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Too much information, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** And I don’t have many people left like that.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You’ve got _me_. What the hell?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Figures you’d only hear what you want to hear. [footsteps]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Oh, I’m pretty sure I heard what was implied, there. And what the hell are you doing with him-- or with your assistant-- or-- if you’re-- whatever is going on with Captain Sparkles?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who’s asking? Jim, or fucking Fury’s newest hire? 

[liquid sloshing, sipping]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Don’t start with me about _my_ sense of discretion. I’m currently the world’s most expensive babysitter.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You took the assignment. It’s a fair question.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You think I’m happy about this? Carol and I just got moved hundreds of miles to make sure my oldest friend doesn’t kill himself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. One. You’re the the one who thought the military was a fucking great idea, and two. I’m not going to kill myself. 

Short version - … I fell in love with someone, he left me. The end.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** After what, three months? That's hardly-- I thought you started dating the guy at _Christmas_. Are you sure this is about him and not about Pepper?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus, Rhodey, really? 

It’s about him. You don’t -- I don’t expect you to understand. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** No, because Velma from Scooby-Doo isn’t going to wake up in the modern day and get assigned to work with me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Velma_? Velma was the childhood crush? Dude, you need to dream bigger.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Excuse me? I don't need to dream. You’ve met my wife.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah…… yeah. Well.

[silence]

Have you ever heard me say that when I didn’t honestly mean it?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Honestly? I think I’ve only heard you say it...three times before.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [silence] Shit. So. Captain America?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Captain Fucking America.

[drink clinking]

Don’t laugh. I can tell you want to laugh.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [snort] I don’t wanna laugh. You want to talk about it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What more is there to say? Tony Stark fucks up every interpersonal relationship in his life again, hurrah.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony, Captain America aside, the kid has issues. You know that, right? It can’t have all been you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You don’t know him. Come on, he’s -- not perfect. And half my age. And a terrible choice. But.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** But what? That is, you know, barring anything that means listening to you talk about your sex life.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You sure, because he was --

[swatting]

OW! Ow, ow, don’t be cruel.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Carol's got a bet with Jess on whether he's a virgin.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He insisted not -- come on, I’m _way_ too old to be into virgins. _Seriously._

He just felt like someone I’d been waiting for, without realizing I was waiting. I don’t know. Would you mind just, you know, putting me out of my misery? I’ve got a perfectly good oven to stick my head into, Sylvia Plath style.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** _Tony_.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? You fucking asked.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** The only thing we’re putting in any ovens are mozzarella sticks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Thank god Jarvis is back. I forgot to stock the fridge at the house last month, it was truly tragic.

[silence]

I just thought, you know. If we could get our shit together, we could be good.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It happens. Not usually with _Captain America_ , but, you know. It happens. 

Speaking of which, I just want to make sure you get that I'm not team leader, here. I'm just here to fill the Cap-and-Thor shaped hole in the lineup, talk about pressure. Bobbi is still calling the shots until Captain America gets his shit together. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh good, taking orders from you makes me break out in hives.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [chuckle]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I’m fucking glad you’re here. Do you actually want a full run-down of my personal life’s impression of the Hindenburg, or what?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony, the way I see it, it can’t be worse than the last twenty years, so. On a scale of one to Sunset Bain, we’re at…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not quite Sunset levels of awful. Though with Ty involved, it’s gotta be close.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Well, Ty doesn’t get involved unless you invite him. I know how that works. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let’s just say he made himself available. So… short version. Steve, subject of all childhood fantasies and/or mancrushes flew six thousand miles to get me after the post-Japan emotional breakdown and pseudo-propositioned me. We started dating, I bought him a dog, his ex-girlfriend is now my personal assistant? Then in March, he almost died, we argued, broke up, and he's currently fighting Nazis three thousand miles away.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Wait, you didn't tell me you bought Captain America a dog? A dog? Like, a four-legged, bark bark bark…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** His name is Moose. He’s a therapy dog.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Please tell me it’s not one of those tiny gay yappy dogs.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s a Great Pyrenees/German Shepherd the size of a small car.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You haven’t been...antiquing or drinking cosmos? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I did learn how to make a quiche? Come on, you really thought I’d give Captain Fucking America a yappy purse dog? Give me a break.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** No, no, I’m just trying to mentally calculate exactly _how_ gay you are for him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Check TMZ. They’ll give a pretty fucking accurate idea.

[footsteps, ice clinking]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Those were just blow jobs Blow jobs don't rank anywhere near as gay as antiquing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choke]

Steve deeeefinitely went antiquing for me. He bought period pieces for the mansion. That’s...pretty gay. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Oh, god. I need to call the President, we’re going to have to change the stripes on the flag to pink. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He looks amazing in pink, Rhodey. He looks amazing in everything. He’s the most… he’s just… 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Let me guess, you love his arms.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** And the rest of him. Christ, Rhodey. I haven’t fallen so hard in twenty years. [cushions rustling]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Which absolutely does not explain why you were groping Tiberius Stone in an Iron Man suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh]

Ty turned up again in February, sniffing around Nat's fake-girlfriend moves. After everything at New Years caused me to miss showing up in his boxes, I don't know. I think he probably just smelled blood in the water.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** So you just fell onto his dick on accident?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know, that actually happened on--

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Ahem. Like I said. TMI.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He's been letting me piggyback his satellites while Steve hunts for Roxxon installations in South America. SI doesn't have anything in telecommunications, the satellite we launched in 2004 was strictly for GPS pings, no cameras. I've been stringing him along to keep him invested in the project, but the price keeps getting higher. First it was dinner, now we're up to tech.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** None of that convinces me this wasn't a terrible fucking idea. You might as well just hand a suit over to the Chinese government.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Please._ Ty spent literal years trying to talk me out of the weapons development industry. He's a dyed-in-the-wool pacifist, anti-war, anti-weaponry, he doesn't even eat _meat_. He's the last person on Earth who'd steal an Iron Man suit and sell it to foreign powers. 

Even if he were the sort to do that, that suit is a Malibu leftover - Mark VI-ish. Take a look if you don't believe me.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It looks new.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. It wasn't destroyed in Florida because it was pre remote-manipulation, and the shell was partially damaged when the house went down. I affixed a current-gen helmet and had J give it a paint job. There's literally nothing in there that Ty hasn't stalked through years ago - and nothing that wasn't handed over to the American military when you took them the suit I gave you a few years ago.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** We both know why you gave me that suit. It was the same reason you gave Pepper SI.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, because I trusted you and your judgement. [sigh] I get that engaging Ty is playing with fire. And I get what it looks like, with the sex and the shmoozing. Just - give me the benefit of the doubt here. He's a means, not an end.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [silence] You signed a business deal with him.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I did. It's a stroke of luck for SI, it'll let us go wide with the arc reactor tech -- which is still the fucking cornerstone of my green energy initiative and reimagined corporate legacy. Literally nobody in the world can offer me what he did in signing that shit; if letting him play sexy dress-up in outdated armor keeps him happy, who the fuck am I to complain?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [footsteps, sipping] 

Fine. You know what I think about this. Just -- watch your back.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God, will I ever.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Oh, hey. Did you or did you not end up sleeping with the assistant? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Clint showed up and took me home, so I slept with him instead.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [silence]

You…

[cushions rustling]

You slept with Hawkeye.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, that happened. Turns out he also has really exceptional arms. You’d better watch out, maybe it’s the water or something.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony. Hawkeye? Do you know where he’s been? Do you know how many _dumpsters_ he’s been in?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** He didn’t smell like dumpsters, at least. He smelled like sweat and leather and--

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Please, do we need a safeword?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re so thoughtful, Egg McMuffin. I actually kind of do - he dated and broke up with the assistant. And Nat. And he’s definitely been married. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Okay. The Avengercest is getting a little creepy.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Huh … You know… Me, Nat, so Steve and Bruce by proxy -- that’s pretty much the whole team. Barton’s kind of a slut.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You sound jealous.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Would _you_ say no to Natasha? Seriously.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony. Married. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s... that’s still really weird to think about. Married.

When did we get so old.

[silence]

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Holy shit, Tony, you’re younger than I am, you’re not allowed to do the cry-cry-I’m-old thing. What’s--

[silence]

Do I need to put you on suspension? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Christ, no. 

It’s just, I keep thinking -- Steve is out there doing this bullshit finding-himself thing, and I remember what that was like. And it was fucking awesome, strippers and blow and moving to California and I’m pretty sure I have no actual memories of _being_ 26, and -- do you remember that year? I sure as fuck don’t. And I set a _condo_ on fire, you’d think that kind of thing would stick with you.

And I’m such a different fucking person now. 

[silence]

It’s all so fucking stupid.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Nineteen ninety-six? Yeah, I was stationed in Kuwait. So. 

[glass on table]

What are we going to do about this? What do you need? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. _Don’t_ suspend me. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** That doesn't really build a case, Tony. I'm being serious. Give me three good reasons not to ground you; it doesn't sound like you've got your shit together.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come on, sugarpie. You’re down three Avengers. You need Iron Man.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Oh god, not the nicknames. It’s never good when there are nicknames.

I need to be able to trust you’re not a liability more than I need Iron Man. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A liability? Are you fucking kidding?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I’m not _kidding_ ; you just told me you fell in love with your team leader and had a blowout breakup, tangling half your team in your interpersonal bullshit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. That’s not affecting my ability to be Iron Man. Steve’s gone.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** And where’s your head? Here or there? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Here, for fuck’s sake! 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Fine. You know what happens the first time I see any signs to the contrary. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fine.

[shifting, footsteps, ice clinking]

Ty--

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You know what I’d like, Tony? To hear _as little_ about Tiberius Stone as possible. Some of us stopped speaking to him after college for a reason. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Suit yourself.

Listen, I’m living in the Mansion.. they’re repairing after the break in, but we’re pretty much all over there. If you want a room on Long Island, I’ll get something set up. If you’d rather be in Manhattan, there are two apartments on the lowest Avenger floor that haven’t been used.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I’ll talk to Carol. She's the one getting dragged along because she thought I was joking when I said marrying me meant marrying Tony Stark.

[sigh] 

Despite what you may think, I am doing this out of concern for your well-being. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah? Ordering me not to talk about something relevant because you’re holding a 23 year old grudge?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It’s not a grudge when he _keeps living up to it_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** People change, Rhodey. I changed. Ty could too.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** And maybe he’s counting on you giving him that chance. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe so - but I got what I needed.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I’m trusting your judgment on this one, but the first time he does _anything_ , I’ll have him deported to Latveria.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fair.

I’m only risking what I can afford to risk here.

[sigh]

Listen, I have some work to do. You’ll meet Becky, my PA.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** The one you didn’t sleep with?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, that one -- she dodged that bullet. 

She’ll give you a run-down of my schedule - I’m pretty much splitting my time between here and the west coast. Hours in New York are split between fucking project updates, board meetings, HR bullshit. I haven’t been in R&D for more than three hours at a time in weeks.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** So you’re not in the shop, obviously not eating, from the looks of you…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why do people keep saying that? I think I look good.

Maybe I’ll put some hand weights on the jet or something.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Tony, I can see your ribs. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You sure that wasn’t this afternoon’s _Mc_ Rib?

You want another beer?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Why not? I might as well reap the benefits of having a friend with draft taps in his house. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [draft pulling]

Here. Sweet Action, local microbrew. 

What else is on your list?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You would have a beer called Sweet Action on tap. List? You tell me what should be on the list. All I know from Fury is that this team is imploding in a giant superpowered shit show. You’ve got Captain America having an identity crisis, you...doing what you do best, so honestly, I know you’ll be fine in the long term, the Incredible Hulk is shacking up with the Black Widow in direct insubordination to Fury’s instructions, Hawkeye’s defected, and the Norse god’s cat is pregnant. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Superpowered shit show is a good way to put it, when you spell it out that way.

Look, honestly, things aren’t so bad. SI’s stocks are at a solid climb, I’ve figured out the CEO-and-superhero thing. Bruce, Nat and I are tighter than ever - they’re solid, Rhodey. Ten minutes in a room with ‘em and you’ll see. Thor is staying in New York; Jane just got a grant up in Maine, which is close enough. Barton left the team, but he’s back on my payroll. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Barton’s...Please tell me you’re not paying him to sleep with you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? Please. 

It was just the once And he did it for free.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Yeah, well, don’t come crying to me when you get bird flu. And Cap? What’s the deal there? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ha, like _Iron Man_ cries.

Steve’s a hot mess, Rhodey. He’s … I think he’s severely depressed. He needs a shrink and a few months of leave. He spent his formative years in a war zone and I think he needs a chance to be an adult outside of it.

Of course, the minute he walked away from SHIELD he ran off on a mission of his own and just… I don’t know. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Sounds like someone’s outdoing you in the quarter-life crisis arena. So that’s the one you’re hacking SHIELD resources for?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come on, you’ll give me a complex. He hasn’t crashed any Ferraris, at least.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Well, he has fifteen years to build up to that one.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** More like a mid-life crisis, then.

I hack SHIELD regularly and consistently. If SHIELD had the info I needed, do you think I’d be fucking Tiberius Stone? 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Sorry, we’ll get right on that, Tony. Does it ever occur to you to just _ask for help_? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** From SHIELD? Please.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** From anyone who isn’t Tiberius Stone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’ve tapped any and every available resource for this, Rhodey. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** OBVIOUSLY.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s _Steve_ we’re talking about here. Steve.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** [silence]

You’re really fucking gone over this kid, aren’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s fucking awful.

And he’s 28. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Do you remember how you bought out all the whipped cream in Costco when you were 28?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …. yes?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** From three different locations?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I had very specific requirements.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You’re missing my point.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Supermodels. Swimming pool full of whipped cream. Who’s missing the point?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Don’t tell me you were an adult at 28. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … just, look. He’s young. But he’s not like other 28 year olds. He’s carried a lot of responsibility in his life.

Too much, really.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Well, I get here, all I hear is he left you and ran off. He’d better damn well deserve you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….

Shit, who are you and what have you done with Colonel James Rhodes?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** What the hell are you talking about? I’ve been helping you pick up the pieces from your shitty exes for how long? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s just kind of cute, you being so… so…

All I do is fuck catering managers at your weddings, apparently. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Weddings you forget when you’re drunk.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m just saying. I’m a shit friend -

 **RHODES.James.R.:** _A little bit._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** \- and the fact that you think anyone out there might not deserve a shot at me is cute.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Yeah, and that’s the attitude that gets you stuck with people like Tiberius Stone. The only person I’ve ever seen you date who’s worth half of you is Pepper.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pepper’s worth ten of me.

She loves the university gig, by the by. She’s pleased as punch with it.

I have no fucking clue how things ended up this way - he hit me like a fucking wrecking ball. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Okay, Miley.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** “I came in like a wree--” Oh, never mind, I’ll have Carol play it for you later. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shut it - christ, you’ll fucking shatter my glass!

Way to render my deeply trusting, emotional confession trite and meaningless with your wife’s shitty taste in music…

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It’s not shitty; it’s...uh. Eclectic. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s a fancy way of saying “garbage”.

You don’t need to worry about me, alright?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I don’t worry about you. I know you’ll fuck up just fine with or without my help. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Like clockwork, right? You could set your watch to that shit.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** People don’t have watches anymore, Tony.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Again with the making me feel old. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Well, the lack of watches is mostly your fault for rendering them obsolete.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Happens. That’s pretty much what I do. I think it’s on my business cards.

Man, I miss Steve. At least waking up to him I could pretend like I was young and cool again.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** When did you get business cards? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure I have some somewhere. Maybe. Becky might know.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** So, what are we doing about this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** About what?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** About your current predicament?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think you’d just decided not to suspend me.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** That doesn’t help you with Captain Boyfriend.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Captain Ex-Boyfriend.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You’re Tony Stark; I think you can fix that if you want to.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] People are tougher than machines, Rhodes.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** You say that, but somehow you’ve kept me from killing you for twenty-eight years.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fair.

I don’t think there’s anything to be done, honestly. It sounds pretty fucking trite, but it may be better this way. Sometimes two people are shit for each other, no matter how much they want to be something else.

It’ll all shake out, eventually.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** In the meantime? Anything I can do? Maybe something that will discourage you from snorting coke off a stripper’s back or seeing Tiberius Stone?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You rank Tiberius Stone below stripper-coke _but it’s not a grudge._

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It is a reasonable assessment based on empirical data. We're both scientists; you should appreciate that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love it when you talk science to me. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Oh, good, I’ll give you a lab report then.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know what you can do. I don’t know what anyone can do. Shit just sucks; but it won’t suck forever. Hopefully.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Well, if it doesn’t work out, Carol’s got lots of friends she could set you up with.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** The last time someone tried that I almost got set up with a super villain… 

**RHODES.James.R.:** I know Carol’s friends. They’re not supervillains. Well. Maybe one is. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hah - well, the whole villainy thing didn’t stop Steve. 

**RHODES.James.R.:** Wait. Your boyfriend is-was-dating a supervillain? What?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s … you know, just, never mind.

I think I’ll just resign myself to dying miserable and alone and dedicate my life to the noble cause of scoring with as many models, aspiring actresses, and sexy massage therapists as possible between now and then.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** That sounds like an extremely admirable goal; I wish you well with it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

If you’re good here, I’m gonna sneak in a few hours in the lab. Let me know where you two want to bunk up and I’ll get them to order in towels and shit.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Thanks, Tony...You want to grab dinner with us later? I’m sure Carol would love to catch up.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] You’re a terrible liar, cupcake.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I want you two to hit it off. Maybe so you remember who she is next time.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Didn’t she once hit me with a shoe? Or was that the one before her?

 **RHODES.James.R.:** Nope, that was Carol. But you also tried to grab her ass, so…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** So you married her.

 **RHODES.James.R.:** It was the least I could do. Really, Tony, the lengths I go to to clean up your messes…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Dinner later. I just -- a few of the fabrication units here are permanent installations, shit I can’t get done at the house…

 **RHODES.James.R.:** I know, I know, all play and no work make Stark a dull boy. We’ll catch up with you later. I told Carol we’d go walk in the park.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oooooooh, so romantic, just the two of you, the evening lights, the silent scream of a special ops unit tearing apart under the weight of its own emotional issues…

 **RHODES.James.R.:** As long as the screaming’s silent, it’s not going to disturb our walk.

[cushions shifting] 

Later, Tony. Don’t pine away too much. I’ll be down at eleven if you don’t show up before then.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aye aye, colonel. Finish your beer.

[footsteps]

[elevator dinging]

{{Saving…}}


	566. corporate gym/meal plan/day care services

Dear Mr. Clinton F. Barton:

On behalf of myself as well as my colleagues in the Private Securities division, I'd like to welcome you to the Stark Industries family.

Attached is the required employment paperwork for you to sign and return at your earliest convenience, including your contract (signatures required on pages 7, 13 and 19, all others to be initialed in the bottom right hand corner), I-9, W-2, background check clearance, blank fingerprint request template, confidentiality agreements, orientation packet, company policy manual, direct deposit form, commuter card form, corporate gym/meal plan/day care services requests, information on your benefit package including optional health & retirement services, and mandatory internet safety training and sexual harassment training sign ups (course offered monthly and to be completed within your first three months of employment). You will be expected to bring a 2x2 passport-styled photo to your first day of work so that your employee ID & access badge can be produced.

My colleague New York based Head of Human Resources, Avery Clark, will be expecting you on the 13th floor of our New York facility at 10:00 am on Monday, April 7th.

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact Avery Clark at A.Clark@StarkIndustries.com

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	567. Going-Away Party

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 111 READE ST, NEW YORK, 10013]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[chatter]

[glasses clinking]

[footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah -- just another of what she’s having? If she liked it? And start a tab if you don’t mind.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown:** Yeah, sure, Clint, right? You don’t need to give me a card or anything...it’s good. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Hey, cheers, man. That’s good of you. And, uh. Tell her I’ll be hanging, if she wants to see me? If not, no big.

[chatting, footsteps, glasses clinking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [footsteps] 

You could’ve just come over, you know. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I thought about it, but I wasn’t sure if following your ex to her Monday night bar constituted stalking... 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [snort] Fuck you.

[stool scraping] 

[glass on counter] 

What’s up? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Not a whole lot. I wanted to see you. I felt bad, after all that awkwardness at the mansion.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [breath] 

Yeah, so can we just...you okay?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. I’m … pretty good, all things considered. Things at the mansion are -- well, you know. You should count yourself lucky that you’re no longer there.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okay. Okay, so is this what we’re doing now? You just show up and buy me a drink so you can make stilted small talk at me? ‘Cause, like, that’s something I’d expect from Steve more than you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Look, Becky. I figured the job offer and ridiculous amount of pension-related benefits he’s throwing at me are probably thanks to you - so, uh. Thank you. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence]

He...yeah? It-- no, it wasn’t me. It-- what’d he give you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Really? 

Stark … huh. That’s super decent of him, then. Just, you know. Matching my SHIELD shit. Huge fucking signing bonus, hazard pay, dental. I dunno, I can’t even remember the last time I got my teeth cleaned - weirdly decent.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You just need to get over his weird leftover hangup. He’s usually pretty decent. I mean, when he forgets he’s not supposed to let you know that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Like a tiny, angry, drunken little hermit crab. Kind of cute, but in a super weird way.

Any way you slice it, it beats the hell out of the shoe phone.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laugh] Okay. And he...like. He gave you regular health care, right? You’re not gonna have shiny teeth and fall apart on...us, are you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, he did. Kind of rad. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Rad? Is this nineteen eighty-nine? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Er. I kind of torrented all of Saved By The Bell last week….

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Psh, here I was hoping it was Ninja Turtles. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** YO! It's the green machine, gonna rock the town without being seen - Have you ever seen a turtle GET DOWN?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Slammin’ and jammin’ to the new swing sound?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laughter]

God. I stupid miss you. It’s good to just… see you, like this.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. I...Uh. I sort of cried all over my--your--our boss. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You -- did you really? Did he break out in hives? Pretty sure he’s allergic to feelings.

[rustling]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [whimper] 

Yeah, I kind of...but hey, he gave you a job, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. C’mere. [smooch]

It sucks, now. But things will get better.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You say that like you’re sure. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Of course I’m sure. You’re _you_.

He’d probably be an alright boss, really. You two seem to work alright.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** He’s great. I mean, with the, like, one-time exception, but I think we were both kinda fucked up. But mostly he lets me do my thing and he takes responsibility when he fucks up and doesn’t blame me for it, and, you know, generally treats me like a human being. And just...assumes I’m competent at everything. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Well, he’s not too far off base. I can only think of like, two things you’re not super competent at. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [laugh] Yeah, pitching overhand and dating superheroes, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’s planning to send me after Steve.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I know. Fucking _Steve_. Someday he’s going to figure out we’re not all supporting characters in his redemption narrative, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I wouldn’t hold my breath.

[sipping]

Stark briefed me on him - he's all bent out of shape because Steve couched the mission as a whole big “unfinished life’s work duty honor llama etc etc” thing. But the group that we suspect is in bed with Roxxon is a legitimate terrorist organization, old, well organized, the whole shebang. One or two people on the ground can sometimes get deeper into this kind of shit than an air-strike, metaphorical or otherwise.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** But he’s not Captain America anymore, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don't give a fuck what he calls himself, you know? One way or another Hydra has to go down, and I've got more experience at this kind of thing than Steve and Ray put together. We'll get it done. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [sigh]

Sorry. Not picking on Steve. I _am_ actually worried about him. Going off like that when he was still hurt. But Tony said-- I don't know. It sounded like he was being really irresponsible about all this. How do you feel about all this? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

Grateful. I’m not -- a proud kind of dude, you know that. I do what I do, I’m pretty good at it, I’m not looking for some big grand finale or anything - and even though Stark's sending me out to do is exactly what I left SHIELD to stop doing, it feels good to have one more go. 

Besides, I'm worried about Steve too. You know what they say, if you want something done right...

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Or, if you want something done with a dash of awkward finesse…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** We both know that’s the best kind of finesse.

I’m not super into leaving New York again. I know that sounds weird, but.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, it comes with the territory, right? You were never going to stay in one place for long. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I got kind of used to having New York as a home base. This last year was just so…. easy.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** ...Yeah? Well. New York kind of does that to you. I didn’t plan on staying after I got my Master’s...I mean...if you work for Tony, you’d get to stay, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, maybe. He sort of insinuated that post-Steve there was something else he had in mind, but didn’t want to play out too soon? So I think he has something on the brain, but you know, Stark. It could be anything.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Quality assurance, maybe? You could shoot up all the consumer products before they go to market. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I _would_ be pretty good at that.

If … ah. [sipping]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** “Sorry, but this StarkPad couldn’t stand up to GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE.” 

[sipping]

If what? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Given the shit Tony’s been putting out lately, a little arrow-proofing might be a … selling-point, or…

Are you going back to the gallery?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence] 

I don’t know. I...I mean. It’s my baby. And you know...working for Tony. It’s always going to be kind of messy. I--

[laugh]

I have this new assistant. You haven’t met my assistant. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Is this one a super villain? 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** No, no no. She’s a cellist? Oh. I guess maybe she might be. Maybe her fucking cello case is full of automatic weapons.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah? That’s … kind of cool. [chuckle] She’s never dated a guy named Phil, has she?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Uh. I could as-- er. Not _your_ Phil, no, she’s like...twelve. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laugh] That’s… good? Why are you hiring twelve year olds?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Because they have rich parents and your dart buddy turned out to be a supervillain? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She did have a fucking fantastic eye. So much free beer. So much.

Is she any good? Labor laws sure have changed since I was twelve. No one wanted to give _me_ a job. Hence the whole running-away-to-join-the-circus thing.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, she’s actually, like, nineteen or twenty or something? She’s...you know. Good because she’s smart. She could pretty much do anything. I don’t know if she actually wants to do this but, work experience, I guess? 

[sigh] 

I’m sorry I hired a supervillain. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Eh, it happens. At least you didn’t date one.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** What, did you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Once! Mostly by accident. Mostly.

No one blames you for Rachel, anyway. She … obviously had a lot of issues, you couldn’t have known.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. I know. Wrong place, wrong time, supervillains, all that. 

[sipping] When are you leaving?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Wednesday.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** _This_ Wednesday? Like, the day after tomorrow?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah - that’s the ninth, right? Tony said he’d send me sooner, but he’s apparently making me shiny new clothes first. He hasn’t emerged from the workshop all day.

I’m a little nervous about what he’s putting together, last time he had something made for Nat it was backless and involved a _lot_ of lace.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [snort] Yes, but are you fake-dating?

[slurp] Ugh. I need another one of these…

[glass on bar] 

So this is...your going-away party, or something?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I hope not, this feels way more like a pity party. 

Do you want to go another round? Fair warning, if we do, I might be drunk enough to ask you home with me. So.

[glass on bar]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** …Yeah, Clint? You know if you have to feel like shit and get drunk to ask me that...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don’t feel like shit - and it wouldn’t take much. In fact, it’d be one of the best drunkcisions I’ve made all month.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Drunkcisions? You just made that up. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Did not. Only a drunk person would invent a _ridiculous_ word like that. I am innocent of any such thing.

I’m sorry. I don’t want to make this harder. I just -- I’m leaving, and I missed you, and I wanted to see you. I’m happy to just buy you drinks until the guys shut the doors.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [deep breath] I miss you, too. But I’m not gonna...I can’t kid myself about this, all right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Kid yourself?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You know what I mean. Go home with you and pretend like… like I don’t have to get my shit together and move on. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Well, I’ve never been much of a pretender.

Can Becks get another? I’ll take a water. Excellent, thanks.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [silence] You...you get that if we just keep falling back in bed together, I’m going to keep on telling myself that’s enough?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I know. I get it. And -- I want you to have someone who can be more than that to you. It just…. sucks. So much. I wish…

[silence]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Not to be blunt, but, you know, like...the whole point of this was I didn’t want my life to get all...bloody-and-killing-people-y...but honestly? I kind of feel like supervillains aren’t going to distinguish that much between your girlfriend and your fuckbuddy, if it comes down to kidnapping or maiming anybody.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

Actually, can you make it t-- oh, god. You’re a good man.

[bills rustling]

You should quit, then. Go back to the gallery. You’re Tony Stark’s PA, for god’s sake, seeing me is hardly going to throw you further into the spotlight. Most people don’t even know who I am.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, being Tony’s assistant is just about the only excuse I have _to_ see you, these days. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You don’t need an excuse. Just call me. 

Once I’m back, I mean.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** You know how long it’s gonna be? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Nah. That’s up to Steve. And Tony. I’m sure he’ll keep you up to speed if I’m incommunicado.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** I don’t want you to be incommunicado. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** If I am it won’t be intentional; Bolivia is bad for rolling brown and black outs.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Okay. [breath] Bring me something back? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. I will. Assuming I can figure out how to cram an entire living alpaca into my suitcase.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ooooh, alpaca big bag for you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** SHAME.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** [raspberry sound] 

So...you...uh…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Uh.

I’ll say hi to Steve for you when I drag his sorry ass back to New York. And then -- you know, I found this new bar that has pub trivia and $3.00 wells on Tuesdays. I figure with my inane pop culture references, your art shit, and Steve’s creepy obsession with historical… Nazi... events in the last seventy years, we’d be a pretty okay team. I’d say we could invite Stark, but you know how the paparazzi hound the bastard.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Well, and also he wouldn’t let any of the rest of us answer any of the fucking questions. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Fucker.

Maybe Bruce? He likes science. 

**QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Oooh, yeah, and, uh. Natasha likes. Uh. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Languages. Human anatomy. Philosophy. Ice picks.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Heh. Sounds like a pretty good team. You, um…

[sipping]

Look, I actually mean this as literally what I’m saying, but, uh, I’ve kind of got Adventure Time queued up on Netflix right now if you want to come over. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** And…. watch TV?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Yeah. _just_ watch TV. And maybe let me cry on you a little. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That depends. Can I buy some beer on the way? And do you have any normal-popcorn? You know I hate kettle corn.

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** If the bodega around the corner is still open, yeah, we’ll get some beer, as long as you don’t fucking buy MGD again. And I will do your normal popcorn if you will concede to fake movie butter.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Your terms are acceptable.

Let me close us out. [bills rustling] Your boys took care of the bill, so the rest of it’s on Tony Stark… [bill folding]

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** Ha, does he know that?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Think he’d ever miss a lousy couple of fifties?

 **QUAN.Rebecca.E.:** That depends, are they in a lo mein container? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laughter]

C’mon, Jake-the-dog. It’s Adventure Time…

[chair scraping]

[footsteps]

{{saving to file STARKPAD:\HAWKGUYSSTUFF\Documents\Recordings….}}


	568. Business & BS

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: Business & BS

T –

Sorry about the interruption of our session last night... I hope you know Rhodey means well, even if he has poor taste in media tycoons. I'm fielding a few unexpected changes around the tower this week, another few irons in the proverbial fire... It's been great seeing so much of you this Spring, but I want to let you know need to backseat my personal complications and focus on what's going on with the grid-structuring, StarkPad releases, and of course...other intelligence-related operations that are consuming my time.

Someone should be around later for the Starkpad I left the other night. Does ten-ish work?

T


	569. A Very Convincing Message

T--

Yeah, I can tell when Rhodey doesn't want me around. You know he dropped me like a hot coal after college. 

I'd tell you to call when he leaves, but whoever came to pick up the StarkPad (without keys, still not sure how they entered or exited the apartment, but I've learned not to underestimate you at this point) dismantled every piece of hardware in my apartment and fried all my drives, including the hidden ones. 

I hope that was you; if it wasn't, someone very dangerous has your StarkPad.

They also left a very convincing message in lipstick on my bathroom mirror.

So, yeah, I assume you won't be calling for a while. I'm used to it.

But you still owe me that ride, CookiePuss, and I expect you to pay up. 

\--T


	570. [crossout]

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case the postcard is difficult to make out:
> 
> T--
> 
> I'm sitting at the top of a hill right now looking down at this-- isn't it something? Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about everything and I need to let you know that [crossout] I'm sorry. 
> 
> I made some really hasty decisions and while I am still convinced they were the right ones, I didn't consider how they would affect you and I should have at least [crossout] included you in the discussion. 
> 
> I miss you. I wish [crossout] there were more [crossout] time to talk. I've been trying to call you on the phone you sent. [crossout] I guess you know that. 
> 
> Anyway I guess I'm running out of space and I [crossout] should say goodbye. I miss you.
> 
> Steve


	571. There Is No Try

Steve,

Sounds like South America has been pretty tough for you. I hope you’re being careful – I’ve never met your friend Diamondback, so all I have to go on is Tony’s rather colorful descriptions of her. I know she was marginally involved in your injuries in March – I hope you’re being careful, and not just accepting her help because she’s available.

New York misses you, too – people have really noticed your absence. Becky walked Moose to a dog park the other day and ended up on Page Six. "Where's the Good Captain?" "City Icon Missing" ... that sort of thing. 

The Daily Bugle actually ran an apology letter for their part in disseminating the story of your paternity case, then another about your impending retirement… so absolutely no lessons were learned, there. I guess if you haven’t been speaking with Tony, he may not have mentioned to you that the father of that family, a Roxxon employee, was caught trying to leave the country with several million dollars in cash. Natalie – Natasha – and Tony filed a lawsuit against Roxxon for fraud, libel, and defamation of character. They’re seeking damages on your behalf plus all legal fees. The wife in question, by the way, filed for divorce and requested a Witness Protection Program placement for herself and the kids. Tony actually met with her last Thursday; he seemed to think you’d want her taken care of.

That press winding down doesn’t help with the the issue of the security breach and elevator photos, but New York at least seems to love you more for knowing you're bisexual. A gorgeous mural went up in Chelsea last week of you with a rainbow shield, and Big Gay Ice Cream made an ice cream sandwich in your honor. Clint ordered a hundred sandwiches and is saving them for your return, just in case it's not a permanent menu fixture. It's way too sweet for me but he seemed to think you'd love it - they have a shield-shaped cookie on one side, and an arc-reactor cookie on the other. You couldn't make this stuff up!

You’re not wrong about Tony’s penchant for self-destruction, and I can’t tell you how you should feel about him – I can imagine it would be devastating to be in your position. I’m also not going to make any excuses for Tony, because honestly – everyone in the world deals with problems, with daddy issues, with life-shattering events. Being kidnapped and tortured in the desert is an extreme example of this, to be sure, but being an adult necessitates learning how to adapt and grow in those situations rather than flounder and allow them to weigh you down. Tony’s a forty three year old man who can’t seem to get a grip on his issues - I know he's trying (he's started seeing a therapist again for the first time in ages) but... well. We both know that trying isn't the same as being successful.

(Have you seen Star Wars yet? Yoda said it best - "Do or Do Not, There Is No Try.")

Tony’s privilege is enormous; he’s spent his entire life being told that he’s special and therefore above the rules… his excuses for his behavior are woven so deep into how he sees the world that he doesn't realize he’s doing it. He’s been told all his life that being brilliant excuses him from interacting responsibly with the world around him, or that having money means his actions lack consequences. 

I believe, honestly, that Obadiah Stane and other members of the SI board encouraged him in his destructive behavior in order to take advantage of the power vacuum created by Howard Stark’s death. Tony follows a pattern of unintentional manipulation when he interacts with people that are important to him, and that had to come from somewhere. I would never say this to him, but I see some of Stane in the way he conducts his business with the likes of Justin Hammer and Tibierius Stone; there’s a ruthlessness to his skills that doesn’t speak to anything positive.

I don’t know. You probably know all of this already.

The worst thing, I think, is that he _is_ special. He’s not like anyone else – he’s this shining, incredible, unique person… I don’t know. You meet him and you can’t help loving him, but you will eventually have to decide whether or not that brightness is worth the effort.

(At least that’s how it was for me. You know what I decided.)

You’ll figure out what you need to do. You shouldn’t, however, let yourself be drawn back into a relationship out of obligation if the strain it’s putting on you emotionally is too overwhelming. Steve Rogers needs to do what’s best for Steve Rogers, regardless of what Tony Stark wants.

Pepper

 

PS I almost forgot – and I’m sorry to make this letter so very much about Tony, after telling you that Tony makes everything about Tony - but I do have one more thing you need to know.

When you were in Cusco on your birthday you bumped your communicator while you were in bed with Rachel. Tony picked up and heard some of what was going on. I realize that it's not entirely appropriate to involve myself in something so personal between you two without being invited to do so, but Tony hasn't been communicating with you and I feel that may affect your mission or your/his mental health. So, now you know, and what you choose to do with that information is entirely up to you. Just remember, you're not in a relationship with him right now, regardless of what you've talked about doing when you get to New York. Don't beat yourself up for making decisions with your own best interest in mind.


	572. Spending his tourist dollars

Team,

As I was saying, re: security breaches. 

In the future, please remember to have all your guests clear background checks. 

This will be the first item on the agenda when I arrive.

Bobbi

____________

Eddie Brock  
Viastone World Wire

Over the past few weeks since the now-infamous Stark-Spangled Elevator photo leak, we've seen Tony Stark taking the media by storm, to a degree not seen since his 2008 decision to shut down the weapons division that had for so long been the core business of Stark Industries, followed quickly on its heels by the emergence of the Iron Man armor.

We've had steamy security feed porn, followed by the announcement of a joint venture between Stark Industries and Viastone that's poised to change the conversation about energy reliance in the United State-- and the world. We've seen the instagram photos taken from the set of what's rumored to be a no-holds-barred photo shoot-slash-interview with the team at _Esquire Magazine_ , and of course, there was his fabulous op-ed takedown of the so-called "trolls" of 4chan for disregarding personal privacy.

Stark's been at the opening of the new Stark Industries Great Lakes facilities, a new state-of-the art compound dedicated to channeling Stark's patented technology into the automotive industry. This new Great Lakes Initiative involves retrofitting a half-dozen abandoned factories in and around Flint, Michigan, and the promise of privately-funded improvements to city infrastructure-- along with a hint that we might see an arc technology-powered vehicle on the road by 2016. 

But with this whirlwind of activity surrounding Mr. Stark, we've heard an awful lot of people ask the question: Where's Steve Rogers?

Steve "Captain America" Rogers, the other party implicated in the steamy photos, has dropped off the face of the earth, with tabloids and gossip rags around the country speculating about his whereabouts. We've heard the old fashioned Captain may be ashamed of his sexual proclivities-- too ashamed to come out of the closet. There are suggestions that he's been injured, is under disciplinary action, that the famed "Super Soldier Serum" that gave him his powers has worn off. One of our competitors even speculated that Captain Rogers went through a sex change operation. 

Courtesy of the Viastone World Wire, though, we're afraid to say the truth is somewhat disappointing. Our news team discovered Captain Rogers in Cusco, Peru, last week, on vacation.

That's right, kids. Captain America is on vacation. And he's not even spending his tourist dollars in the United States. 

We snapped these fun candids of Cap on tour at the famed Incan city of Machu Picchu, and roaming the streets of Cusco in the ugliest poncho any side of the Andes. 

You'll see he's in the presence of a tall, leggy brunette…and they seem to be getting awfully friendly for somebody who was pretty hot and heavy with Tony Stark only a few weeks back. Our team tracked the pretty Miss America down, and discovered the lucky lady is one Ms. Rachel Leighton, 24, of Austin, TX. 

But what really interested us is that Ms. Leighton apparently has a rap sheet of petty crimes a mile long and a stint in a juvenile detention center, as well as rumored links to the reptilian costumed crime gang, The Serpent Society, which popped up in the wake of the Battle of New York. 

Elevator shenanigans with the second-richest man in the world is one thing, but we don't know what to make of a squeaky-clean American icon shacking up with a petty criminal. So what's going on-- is Captain Rogers finally cracking? Is he having a quarterlife crisis? Sure, everyone needs a break, but this is a little much. 

We followed the pair around Cusco for the day-- Captain Rogers' hair is brown, leading us to question whether the blond is even his natural color or yet another part of a carefully-crafted "all-American" appearance. He was sporting a beard, jeans, and-- get this-- an Iron Man tee shirt. Ms. Leighton, meanwhile, kept cool in sparkly gold boots and a pretty summer sundress that showed off all her curves. And it doesn't look like she's wearing anything underneath it-- what do you think?!

Here's a slideshow of our favorite photos of Captain Rogers and Ms. Leighton enjoying their sightseeing adventures in Peru. We hear they're on their way to Bolivia next! Enjoy your time off, Cap!


	573. Trademarked Stark Industries Property

Tiberius Stone  
Viastone Inc  
1515 Broadway  
52nd floor  
New York, NY 10036

 

Dear Mr. Stone,

It has come to the attention of STARK INDUSTRIES that on April 4 2014 a VIASTONE property the VIASTONE WORLD WIRE reran a series of exclusively licensed photographs of Mr. Tony Stark without requesting the appropriate permissions. Said photographs are the sole property of Mr. Stark and may not be redistributed without his consent. As said photos were distributed as part of a commercial, for-profit publication, a fee for the reprint rights based on average daily circulation is also required as per Stark Industries' reprint policies, available in full on our website, http://www.starkindustries.com/legal/reprints.

Additionally, the above-referenced article included libelous language related to trademarked Stark Industries property CAPTAIN AMERICA (trademarked 1945) and makes a number of insinuations about the Captain’s presence in South America and personal relationship with a colleague. Stark Industries considers this language to be a deliberate attempt to devalue a brand with high recognition value in a number of international markets. Unless a retraction is immediately dispersed and a letter of apology made available on the VIASTONE WORLD WIRE website within one week’s time, legal representatives of Stark Industries will file a formal complaint and seek damages.

 

Sincerely,  
Jennifer Walters  
Legal Action & Administration  
Stark Industries


	574. Classy ladies

Pep - 

Next time I disagree with you, kindly remind me that you are always right.

T

PS classy ladies never say "I told you so."


	575. more baggage than a fucking 777

[VIASTONE SATELLITE UPLINK V 2.3.02]

[SCANNING DESIRED COORDINATES]

[SCANNING]

[FACIAL RECOGNITION REACTIVATED. TARGET LOCKED] 

[car motor running, wind blowing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So...yeah...it looks like we get off this road in about….forty-five minutes?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** A’right -- sounds good. Let’s crank the radio and get our Bittersweet Symphony on….

[radio dial spinning, static]

[fuzzy music]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - POR QUÉ ME HAS ENGAÑADO, CAMELA, 2000]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** One...oh, pull over for a minute? I’m getting a signal here. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah? Must be a town over those hills, I see a few phone lines.

[tires crunching on gravel]

Shit, it’s cold out here. I’m gonna grab a jacket from the trunk.

[footsteps, gravel crunching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Get my ugly poncho thing while you’re at it? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I _knew_ you secretly liked it.

[rustling]

[wind blowing]

[trunk slamming]

Here. [thwump]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It was my birthday present; I love it. [fabric rustling]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I wasn’t sure, you put up such a fight.

You wear electric teal well, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe that’ll be my new costume when I go home. We can start our own crimefighting duo. Dye your hair back to pink; I’ll do mine blue. We’ll match.

[tapping on phone] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] You have a strange concept of matching for an artist. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Complementary colors. It’ll make things pop. We can come up with some catchy duo-name.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Like what? Ray Rogers sounds way too much like a fast food chain for me. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You mean an actor?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** An actor with...fried chicken?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, no, the...singing cowboy?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I have no fucking clue what you...never mind. Not sure how the duo thing would work out for you, anyway. I put the crime in crime-fighting. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You could do better, Ray. 

[tapping]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’d say I’m doing alright at the moment. I’ve been worse, anyway.

Call your stupid boyfriend, I know you want to.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** On the run in South America in a beat up old convertible? Sounds pretty-- just a sec. 

[sigh] 

Tony, it’s me again. Just...saying hello. Hello. Call when you can. Alright, bye.

[tap] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You sound like such a grandpa when you leave messages. Just text the guy - then he won’t have that irritating voicemail icon in the corner of his phone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I texted him, too. What do you mean, I sound like a grandpa?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nobody leaves voice mails anymore, is all. And you do it _every time you call._ I’ve… never had that kind of breakup, I guess.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want him to worry if he sees I’ve called and there’s no message. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Right, of course.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And he does this thing on the outgoing recording, where his voice--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Woooow. You got it bad, boy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s just...you know. First really...

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Wait, your _first?_ No. You totally hooked up with Becky, right? You’re way too good with that mouth for a--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Serious relationship. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah? Looks about as serious as a heart attack. Not my scene, Stevie. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] I noticed. I...had a crush on my best friend, but...I don’t think he felt that way. And there was a girl I _was_ serious about, but I sort of smashed a plane into an iceberg. Never really had the chance.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** We throwing a pity party? 

….maybe I’ll tell you about Brock sometime. 

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Brock? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s a long story.

[fingers drumming on steering wheel] You good?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just a sec...I’ve got some emails. I...no, I don’t want to donate money to…[sigh] You give to one election campaign and you end up getting twenty emails a day. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s why I don’t vote.

Well, that and the criminal record…

[rustling]

You’re warm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Still cold? C’mere.

[rustling] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Ahhhhhhhhh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You need a rest? I...the road’s pretty empty; I’d be okay taking over driving for a while. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nah, I really don’t mind. Keeps my brain occupied. 

We might want to put the top up, though, I’m freezing my tits off. If the top even goes up in this junker.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It goes up; I checked before we put down any money. Oh. Email from Pepper, just a…

Damn. Long email from Pepper. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I can wait. It’s not like I’ve got a hot date or anything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You _could_ if you wanted to. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Does anyone ever say no to that? [chuckle]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sure we can find plenty of five-star restaurants in the backwoods here. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You sure know how to treat a girl. What’s the word?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re suing over the paternity suit...Apparently I’m a gay icon now, so when we get back to New York, we’ll have to go see some cabaret or march for Pride or something...I guess Tony’s seeing a therapist? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Wow, you’re really getting a blow by blow. [yawn]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There’s a bunch here about Tony, just...he’s...it’s all things I already know; I don’t know why she sees the need to point this all out to...

[silence]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** ….Steve? Is everything okay?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hell. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hey, what’s wrong? You look … bad news?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just...last bit. P.S. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** P.S. … _I almost forgot..._ blah blah Tony … oh.

Is that it? Jesus, you scared me with that face of yours.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I should have taken the tag off...I didn’t think…

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, well, we were both kind of distracted.

Is this a big deal? You _are_ broken up, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He said we were. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** And you said he’s fucking his business partner. 

That sounds pretty broken up to me. 

Look -- it’s okay, Steve. It doesn’t matter.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Except that apparently it _does_. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Sounds to me like Stark wants to have his cake and eat it too.

[engine turning over]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He hasn’t been responding to me. I...we had this...we talked on my birthday; I thought things were better. I didn’t know this was-- he didn’t tell me. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Kind of an awkward topic, isn’t it?

[engine rumbles to life, tires crunching onto pavement]

Look, I’m not a fucking relationship counselor. My longest relationship ended with me being imprisoned in a bunker. But you--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A bunker? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I told you it was a long story.

You said yourself he’s fucking busy as hell, there could be any number of reasons why he’s not picking up your calls.

[wind whistling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She said that’s why he’s not talking. Really, Ray, a bunker? In what context, exactly? A bunker? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** The only fucking context you could imagine locking a girl up in a bunker for, Steve. 

I’m pretty sure she just said that’s why he _might_ not be talking. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ray_ You can’t--I take it that’s all you want to say on the subject?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You think?

[silence]

Come on, Steve. Tony Stark is an ass. Are you really surprised he’s acting the part?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s not an-- [breath] Fine. But...I’m thinking we should lay off. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What? Like - the hooking up?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I don’t want to upset hi-- what do you think? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I think he already knows, if he’s upset it’s his own business. You should do what you want.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I feel like an ass about it. I didn’t mean to...stick that in his face. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Didn’t he tell you who he was fucking? I mean, who’s sticking it to who?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He told me about one of them. I guessed the other. But I don’t-- this affects you, too. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** God. Steve, you are smoking hot, but you’ve got more baggage than a fucking 777.

Don’t drag me into this. I mean -- sorry. That sounds bitchy. What I mean is, don’t turn me into a motivating factor in your interpersonal drama.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not dragging you anywhere...I mean. I’m trying not to; you’re saying to do what I want, but you’re a little bit implicated in that. Shouldn’t it be a joint decision? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I get it, you love the dude, you wanna get back with him so you’re trying not to burn bridges. But you’re responsible for your relationship with him, not me. If you need to stop to get your shit sorted out, that’s fine. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But I’m responsible enough to you that I should at least be asking you how you feel about it, shouldn’t I? I don’t-- sorry.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter]

Steve. I appreciate that you’re asking. But I’m telling you that here, with me, you don’t need to.

Have you considered maybe … talking to him before you freak out? You two are so fucking wrapped up in each other even when you’re three thousand miles away.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Easier said than done. One-sided conversations can only take you so far. I already tried to write him about you. Told him about you dragging me out to dinner and forcing me to have whatever it is you call ‘fun.’ 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] I know you’re super into letters and everything, but. Not the same as a conversation.

He didn’t say anything, huh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course not. He hasn’t said a single damn word since my birthday. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, that does seem pretty…

We’ll get separate rooms in Puno. Tell people I’m your sister, or something. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, we do have exactly the same shade of fake hair color. 

Is that what you want to do? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** It’s preferable to watching you beat yourself up over this. Major turn off, believe it or not. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sure you’d be very surprised to hear that it’s not exactly how I want to be spending my time, either. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Coulda fooled me.

I’ve had enough big, tangled messes in my life, I don’t need to be dragged into one involving a multibillionaire and an American icon… this bullshit is so above my pay grade. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can throw in another six pack of Inca Kola.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That’s a serious downgrade in the perks department, kid.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Kid? I’m seventy-three years older than you. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m old for my age.

I just want to get my shit done and maybe enjoy myself along the way, preferable with someone entertaining and reasonably unlikely to throw me into a bunker. 

So, we do whatever you need to do.

[wind whipping, car passing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is it okay if I’m not sure what that is, yet? I...look, I had a house full of people telling me I needed to talk about my problems; I can stop if you don’t want to hear them. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** With a _professional._ Don’t give me that look - I heard those conversations word for word.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, you’re a professional _something_. And that’s still incredibly creepy.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nice of you to finally notice. 

[engine whining higher]

It’s not that I care that you talk, it’s that you ignore the most blitheringly obvious solution to all of your problems.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Dump Tony and keep driving around South America with you? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] No, dumbass. Have an actual conversation with him.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m _joking_. You...you know you can confide in me, too, right? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t talk about my problems. I diamond them in the face and move on.

When we get to Puno, talk to Stark. If he’s screening your calls, call someone who’ll actually answer and make them hand him the fucking phone. I’d put good money on the creepy murderer-AI patching you through.

Talk, figure your shit out and then focus on the Titicaca facility.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can focus. That’s never been a problem for me. I work when I have to work. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, it’s distracting as hell for me. I never know if you’re gonna wake up laughing or crying.

Maybe that should be my rule. We can sleep together or talk about your ex, not both. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Somehow I suspect I know which one you’d prefer. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] Well, it's not exactly rocket science. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The perils and pitfalls of Tony Fucking Stark are really too fascinating for anybody to refuse the opportunity to listen to them. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I'd slap the guy if given the opportunity - he's such an ass. 

I’m being serious, Steve. You gotta get this thing under control. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. I won’t say another word about it unless you ask. Not contingent on anything.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Okay, that’s… good, actually. I’ll even try to remember to ask from time to time, how ‘bout that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t be held responsible for anything that comes out of my mouth if you do. Just a warning. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [laughter] 

You know, I'm starting to think you'd say anything just for another shot at my awesome rack.... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thank you for the vote of confidence, Ray, but really I figure I owe you for doing all the driving.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I appreciate that. 

I like driving. I like what I do. I'm just not interested in your personal bullshit beyond where you're sleeping tonight. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You want to decide when we get there? I already promised you a date. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, alright. A date, and hold the nasty ass Inca Kola. It tastes like unicorn piss.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You really do need to give up this life of crime and learn how to appreciate high-class beverages. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have to warn you, though, if I can’t talk about Tony, you’re going to be hearing lectures on public safety or reviews of nineteen-thirties movies and Brooklyn Dodgers stats. Or ice cream. I know a terrifying amount of information about ice cream. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I already knew that. You’re also _super_ into Poland. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Technically, _Germany_ was super into Poland. I was just trying to get them out. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oooh, sexy.

[knee patting ] 

It's fine, Steve. Just stop pretending I'm your therapist and we're a-okay. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is this what therapists do? I’ve never _been_ to a therapist. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I'm _shocked_. Shocked. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I figured I didn’t need one, seeing as I had someone so competent listening in on all my conversations. So you have? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I told you. I punch my problems in the face. 

[engine rumbling] 

Steve, I'm not a nice person. I'm not interested in the hand holdy kumbayah stuff. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right, Ray. Nothing you’ve ever done suggests that you’re a nice person, at all. Whatsoever.

[snort] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Shove it, the panties were really for _me._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** In that case, someone still owes me a birthday present. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What can I say, it's a tough love world out here. You're lucky you have people who care, even if they kind of suck and are hooking up with their business partners. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, I’m not allowed to talk about him, but you are? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** When I’m driving, I make the rules. You don’t like it, you can walk. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine by me. I jog about as fast as this piece of junk, anyway. 

You know you can have that, Ray, right? When we get back to New York, it’s going to be different. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Not everyone can be Captain America... Someone's gotta be the bad guy. Our at least the morally ambiguous sometime antagonist who rocks a catsuit. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And who says you’re not the protagonist and I’m not the morally-rigid sometime-antagonist who...well...rocks a turquoise poncho? 

You let people get to know you, sometimes they’ll care. I wasn’t always Captain America.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Trouble is, when you let people know, you also let them fuck you over and disappoint you. I am what I am, and I like what I am. What I’m not is a fucking superhero.

[laugh] Or a therapist.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sometimes people disappoint you. Sometimes you disappoint them. It’s the same for superheroes as it is for everybody else.

Superheroes don’t exist, Ray. It’s just a word the press made up to convince people we’re any better than the rest of you. Same as movie stars. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [gunning engine]

Then I’m pretty fucked -- I was counting on some Nazi-smashing superhero backup.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can smash Nazis. All I’m saying is that somebody declaring me good enough to shoot some drug into my veins doesn’t mean I’m any more important than you are. Or better than you are. I was an orphan in Brooklyn, Ray. I didn’t come from anything more special than you did. I just got lucky. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** If you’re so lucky, why don’t you ever seem happy?

I’m pretty fucking unlucky. But I’m kind of alright with it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You want a sincere answer, or is that meant to be a rhetorical question? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort] Does the answer involve Tony Stark?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Very funny. Tony Stark doesn’t factor into it. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Then take it however you want.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We have a lot in common. Lousy upbringing, dead relatives. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Assume much? You don't know anything about my upbringing. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s in your file. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You're a creeper, Cap. SHIELD doesn't know everything there is to know about me. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A creeper? Did Miss-I-listened-to-all-your-conversations just call me a creeper for reading a six-page report?

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nazis made me do it. You read that shit for fun, admit it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A man needs hobbies, Ray. Also, I was trying to prove you weren’t a Nazi. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Come on, that shit is just _sad_. [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I have every reason to believe you were ogling that footage every chance you got. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hey, I am an excellent voyeur. And if you’re good at something, never do it for free. You could totally moonlight as a stripper if the Captain America thing doesn’t work out.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Should I start collecting back pay from you? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’ll tell you exactly what I told Stark and his lawyers, mister.

I take it back. Endless hours of you and your boyfriend bickering and fucking for a flat hourly rate and no danger pay. Living the dream!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter] Yet you somehow still wanted to sleep with me. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Stockholm syndrome, duh. Besides, you've got a pretty mouth. I might as well give you something better to do with it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stockholm syndrome? When did I kidnap you? You're the one who had _me_ imprisoned. You’re making it sound like this entire HYDRA plot isn’t just some elaborate ruse to seduce me. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Don’t flatter yourself. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The seduction’s an elaborate ruse to get me to cooperate? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hell yeah it is -- I mean look at you, you’re even letting me drive. [chuckle]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Letting_ you? I’m from Brooklyn. I’ve only ever driven in war zones.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** That, and you look like you're gonna puke every time you get behind the wheel. You’re also the sort that’d never stop and ask for directions… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you would, Miss I-don’t-trust-anybody-further-than-I-can-punch-them?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Mmhmm. Didn’t you see me take that last exit? That llama was totally waving me on. 

Yeah, I see you there, buddy. Move aside or I’ll make you into a poncho.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Llamas. Known far and wide for their directional prowess. 

[tapping]

Ray? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Mmm?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Take the phone. I shouldn't have it unless it's absolutely necessary. Keep me from checking my messages nonstop. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [shifting] Alright. Just let me know when.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why don’t you tell me, Captain?

[TARGET OUT OF DETECTABLE AREA]

[SIGNAL LOST]

[RETARGETING] 

[SCANNING]


	576. Before Using Any Devices

from: Rogers, Steven G. ([S.Rogers@starkindustries.com](%20))

to: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))

Subject: RE: URGENT  

Right after you knit us all fuzzy booties.

You said:

>>I'll give him a hug for you.

S.Rogers@starkindustries.com said: 

>>>Got it. I'll give him a call as soon as we've got a secure site to camp.

You said:

>>>>He'll be fine. He's dealing with the business end of things. Give him a call if you can get reception. Remember: NO SATELLITES.

S.Rogers@starkindustries.com said:

>>>>>We got a good look at the spot. It's an isolated point with limited access just over the border. I think with Barton we'll be in  
>>>>>good shape. Don't want to clutter it up with too many footprints. I'd rather get this done now than risk them bringing in  
>>>>>additional support or moving the damn thing. We'll get you your readings first, see if they line up with what we're supposed to be  
>>>>>looking for. If there's no Crown, we'll get enough documentation that Fury will be able to bring in one of his teams to mop this >>>>>up and leave it to SHIELD. Is Tony okay?

You said:

>>>>>>Your location and current cover have been compromised on a very large scale, as has R's, related to the satellite surveillance. Avoid  
>>>>>>populated areas, stay off the roads if you can. C's en route; you'll have him in less than 24 hours-- ETA 0900 tomorrow. TS working  
>>>>>>on alternative surveillance methods; we'll be ready to transmit by the time you get to the rendezvous point.

>>>>>>Extraction is still an option and I can get you additional support if you need it; just say the word.

>>>>>>\--N

 S.Rogers@starkindustries.com said:

>>>>>>>Done. What's the problem? --S

 You said:

>>>>>>>>Contact me as soon as you receive this. Turn off satellite services and turn ON the additional outgoing encryption before using any devices.

>>>>>>>>\--N


	577. Really Fucking Kindergarten Shit

Hi.

Okay. This is awkward. But your ex-girlfriend seems to be writing Steve all the time, so whatever. I can do this. Steve doesn't know I'm writing to you. I'd like to keep it that way.

I'm only gonna say this once. What you do with the information is up to you. You two need to get your shit together. Really. The fact that I have to tell you that is embarrassing. You're old enough to be my father, jesus. 

Every time you say something or do something that fucks up Steve's head, you're shoving both of us further into danger. And I don't know if you fucking told Pepper to send that email and tell Steve you overheard us fooling around, but I do know that you stopped emailing him or picking up his calls, and you're worrying the shit out of him. 

I don't care if you get back together and get married and have a million babies (even though Steve needs some MAJOR work before he's anything like a decent dad) or break up for good and never speak to each other again. I really don't give a fuck. But you do need to fucking figure it out. Decide what you want from him, tell him so, make him give you a straight answer, and get on with it.

I need his head here, with me, and so do you, or he's going to do something dumbshit and get killed and your mind's going to be made up for you and you won't get him back. This is some really fucking kindergarten shit. You cheated on him. I know Steve says you didn't mean to, but that doesn't change the reality of it. And he's so fucking in love with you that all he does is try to rationalize your shitty decisions. 

Just so we're on the same page, I am not trying to steal him from you (even though you _broke up_ ), and the only person who gets to say what he wants is Steve himself, even if half of what he wants is dumb as shit. This is a temporary thing for me. There's nothing to do between all these long stretches of surveillance and research, we're both tense as hell, and I think you'll agree with me that Steve is a tasty, tasty drumstick of a boy. And I don't want to sound like I'm doing this for anything but purely selfish reasons, but frankly, he's a hell of a lot easier to get along with when he's getting laid. But he's a boatload of issues; I'm a boatload of issues, not my thing, and I'm done with LTR shit for a while, anyway. My last one was a fucked up psycho circus.

Right, now that the air is clear or something, I need you to know a few things.

One, Steve's eyes are fucked. He's not seeing colors right. I had a suspicion, so I got him this ugly green poncho and he thinks it's turquoise, and he thought my red panties were pink. That's blue/yellow colorblindedness, yeah? I didn't let on that I know, I 've just been going along with whatever colors he says things are. He's also getting increasingly worse asthma symptoms, and he's pushing himself too hard to compensate. He's burning in the sun and getting winded when he jogs. He's getting altitude sickness bad enough I decided not to let him drive, and his feet are blistered and bloody and gross. His judgment is shit, partly, I think, because he can't judge for the hits to his physical abilities, and partly, I think, because his judgment is actually impaired. And he's pretending none of it is happening. Anyway, I thought I needed to tell you. The only thing I've noticed is that it seems to get better when he's been drinking a lot of this shitty soda I picked up. 

We're taking a break to eat. Steve's writing some dumbfuck long email to Pepper or something. He's planning on calling you as soon as we hit Puno. You'd better fucking pick up the phone.

\--Diamondback (My name does not suck, who the fuck are you to talk, Mr. I'm-Named-After-A-Black-Sabbath-Song?)


	578. Spider-Guy

[VIASTONE SATELLITE UPLINK V 2.3.02]

[SCANNING DESIRED COORDINATES]

[SCANNING]

[EXTERNAL LOGIN RECOGNIZED] 

[SCANNING PROTOCOLS REASSIGNED, RETARGETED: 4°35′53″N 74°4′33″W. ANALYZING FACIAL DATA...] 

[FACIAL RECOGNITION REACTIVATED. TARGET LOCKED] 

[chatter, bar noises] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** [translating Spanish  > English] Yeah, yeah, sure kid, I…

 **UNKNOWN.UnknownChild001:** [translating Spanish  > English] Gosh, thanks, Mister. I’m going to tell all my friends I met you 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** [translating Spanish  > English] Right, uhhhh...stay in school, don’t do drugs? 

**UNKNOWN.UnknownChild001:** [translating Spanish  > English] You’re the best!

[running footsteps] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [footsteps, stool scraping] [translating Spanish  > English] Corona, please. And lime. Lots of lime. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown002:** [bottle cap scraping, sliding] 4,500 pesos.

[bills counting]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Fucking pesos spend so fast.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Heeeyyyyyy, Trapper. No, wait-- I’ve got this--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Oh for fuck’s sake, really, Nat? _REALLY?_

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Nat’s _your_ friend. It’s Wade. Oh, hey! B.J., right? B.J., old buddy!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Fucking -- [groans] Wade fucking Wilson, please tell me it is a totally cosmic coincidence that you’re sitting in this bar. Please.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Totally cosmic. Totally coincidental. What does the B.J. stand for? Oh, wait, don't tell me don't tell--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** It stands for Fuck Off, Deadpool.

[bottle clinking on countertop]

You’re Nat’s contact, aren’t you. Why.

 **WILSON.Wade:** I know you government shills don’t understand the complicated machinations of private industry, so lemme explain. She gives me money, I show up where she tells me. Wanna buy me a drink? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Look, I know she has a soft spot for you after Capetown, but -- I’m kind of in a hurry, here. Maybe next time.

 **WILSON.Wade:** So make it a fast drink. Shots? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** No! No shots. NO. SHOTS.

Last time we did shots you ended up cosplaying fucking Jean Grey. And that shit is just wrong.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Sorry! Next time I’ll do Sue Storm, better? Come onnnnn, Hot Lips. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Only if you manage to be _actually_ invisible.

Look, I --

…

Fine. What are you drinking. Wade. 

**WILSON.Wade:** It’s Aguardiente!!! It tastes like black jelly beans! And they gave me a parasol and everything, wanna try? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I guess? It looks kind offf---

[spitting, coughing]

What the fuck?!

 **WILSON.Wade:** I tried to cut the sweetness with hot sauce. Pretty good, am I right? I should be a bartender. The only thing it really needs is some gummi worms, but they don’t have any. What kind of bar, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s… this is… [beer glugging]

Two more, please.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown002:** [bottles clinking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** What did Nat actually pay you to do?

 **WILSON.Wade:** Welllll, there were two plans. Plan A, you need help rescuing Captain America from Nazis? Plan B, you don’t, and I’m supposed to get you drunk. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** She told you that?

Wait, why the fuck did I just buy you a beer?

 **WILSON.Wade:** Because I’m doing my job, Frank. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, I don’t actually know if we need help. And it’s not so much rescuing as providing backup.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Huh. Next you’re going to tell me they’re not even real Nazis. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Are they? HYDRA’s not exactly… 

This is stupid. Drink your beer.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Chee-- ooh, eye contact, right? Your girlfriend’s big on that eye contact thing. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Nat’s my partner, not my girlfriend.

 **WILSON.Wade:** No, no, the cute little Chinese one. Sorry you broke up, guy. I was reading about it on the internet. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You-- _what_? 

She’s from Seattle, dude. Rude.

 **WILSON.Wade:** When’d you get all politically-correct? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Seriously, rude.

How the fuck did you know about her, actually? No one, besides the team and like...her friends even realized we were a couple.

 **WILSON.Wade:** I thought you read fanfiction, man. Weren’t you the one who sent me those hot Dora the Explorer/Lara Croft femmeslash links? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I-- possibly.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Yeah, so everybody was really broken up about that. You guys should try to make something work. At least for the fanservice. All those Team Clicky people crying into their cereal. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You are such a fuckwit. No more -- give me that, no more beer for you.

Clicky? Is that -- we have a smushname?

 **WILSON.Wade:** I was thinking like ten more beers, so how about we split the difference and make it five. Yeah, I could be wrong, but I think HogwartsHoney came up with that one. Or maybe QueenBee.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** How do you even -- I google myself like twice weekly. I’ve never seen anything linking me to Becky. 

**WILSON.Wade:** Really? Greenjudy and Caseykaboom wrote fanfic about you two and everything. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** On Ao3?

 **WILSON.Wade:** Don’t get your hopes up. There’s no porn. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’m a little hurt about that, actually. I bet there’s tons of porn about _Tony._

 **WILSON.Wade:** Yeah, but most of it’s really infantilizing. I’m a billionaire, nobody loves me, waaah...somebody tie me up and have werewolf sex with me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** What? I think you’re -- you’re into Teen Wolf too, aren’t you. That is so high on the list of shit I Did Not Ever Want To Know it’s not even funny.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Teen Wolf, psh. The really _good_ crazy is all SPN. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I… am kind of relieved I don’t know what that is.

[clinking glass]

 _SO._ You … are you coming with me to Peru? Or staying in Colombia? 

**WILSON.Wade:** Depends. You need my help or not? At this rate, I’m gonna have a shit-ton of comments to reply to on the fic, sooo…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** It’s funny how your help is never really that helpful.

 **WILSON.Wade:** I’m SUPER helpful. What’s your power again? Really good eyesight to compensate for really bad hearing? Drinking coffee? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Just because someone busted my eardrum once doesn’t make my hearing shitty, dude. And you can be a perfectly good agent with acute tinnitus. 

**WILSON.Wade:** You definitely have _very_ cute tinnitus. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [choking on beer, sputtering]

I would… dude. You’re wearing spandex. _Easy!_

 **WILSON.Wade:** You’re welcome? I dunno. Might need to change it up. People down here keep mistaking me for some Spider-Guy. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Spider-guy? I’m just saying, healing factor or not, a cup couldn’t hurt.

 **WILSON.Wade:** What’s the matter? Is it too distracting? 

Yeah, you haven’t heard anything about this? Little kids keep asking for my autograph. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s horrifying. I’ve never heard of-- wait, are you talking about that costumed dude that showed up in all of those instragram photos that some highschooler posted? I thought he was a petty crook.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Really? Naw, these kids seem to be crazy about me-- er. Him. You…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, the mask did look a little bit Mexican-wrestling-y…

 **WILSON.Wade:** Yeah? You remember the screenname? I’ve gotta see these. 

[tapping] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Pied Piper? Paper Pasta? Something like that.

 **WILSON.Wade:** That can’t be right; Pepper Potts is Iron Man’s ex. Lemme just… 

[tapping] 

Spiiii--

[tapping] 

Der guyyyy.

Fuck. Fucking signal in this place.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, now that you have a new object to fixate on, I’m just gonna….. [stool scraping] 

**WILSON.Wade:** Oooh, he’s…

You didn’t tell me he could bend like-- 

Wait, where are you going? You-- haven’t even tried the ‘Coco Loco!’ 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You’re loco if you think I’m putting anything else you hand me into my mouth, dude. Look - are you hanging out down here? You got a number or something, I can call you if shit goes all Situation Normal on us?

 **WILSON.Wade:** Yeah, yeah…I put it in your phone. I also changed your background. Come on, it’s like coconut-flavored Long Island iced tea. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Anything _you_ drink has to taste like disappointment. Disappointment and like...manties. 

**WILSON.Wade:** Wasn’t that your costume for a while? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** It was a tunic. A _tunic._

Hey, your boyfriend isn’t around, is he? There’s a hired gun I could really get behind.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Nah, he’s like...thirteen this week, or something. Guys from the future, man. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Shit. Well, that’s disappointing. That dude is a _total_ badass.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Can’t live with ‘em, can’t infiltrate their island paradises without getting caught. At least his characterization’s solid, unlike half your teammates.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s true, although his backstory gives me headaches. 

Shit -- I sound like you, don’t I? Shit. Are you contagious? What was in that drink?

 **WILSON.Wade:** I told you, aguardiente and hot sauce. Oh. And pickle juice, and...nope. Just that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s… ew.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Want another?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** You kidding? I feel dirty just having tasted it.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Go with that feeling. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** A’right, then I gotta scoot. I’ll call you if I’m dying.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Stop back in on your way out. I gotta go take care of another job. Churches don't burn themselves down these days, y'know. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Burning -- what?

 **WILSON.Wade:** They're Unitarians; it barely counts.

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You… man. I don’t even know where to start with that.

Later, Wade.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Later, Hawkeye! 

[groan] 

Yeah...clueless, as usual. But it’ll be okay, guys, you’ll see. Cap’s gonna get his shi-- aw, shit, I shouldn’t spoil it for you.

[mutter] 

Just wait till the kittens arrive. 

Bartender? Can I get a coco loco? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown002:** On the house, Spider-Man!

[TARGET DELETED FROM SYSTEM]

[SIGNAL LOST]

[PLEASE INPUT NEW TARGET MANUALLY...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for joining us today, long-time commenter & merc with a mouth, [godhatesstony](http://archiveofourown.org/users/godhatesstony)!


	579. Security Blanket

Pepper,

I can't tell you how much it means to me to be receiving letters from you. Ray is usually decent company, but in a lot of ways, I think we come from very different places. She had a hard childhood, and seems to find that an explanation for the choices she's made in her life, but I grew up in poverty, was orphaned at seven, and I don't think I've ever let myself take the easy way out. Still, I don't feel right judging her, as I was fortunate enough to be given a place to live in an orphanage that, while not exactly the friendliest place for a child, taught me responsibility and ethics and self-sacrifice, and I don't think she had those influences. 

All that being said, I think she's a good person whose heart is in the right place. In a lot of regards, as you can probably tell from what I've just said about her experiences excusing her behavior, she reminds me a lot of Tony and I wonder if this is what he might have been like at twenty-four. But she reminds me of him in good ways and bad, not just in her flaws. She's here because her friends have been hurt by these people, and while her friends are also criminals, I don't think there's a more noble cause. I get the sense that she'd never abandon them, not even for a second, not when they need her. (She is actually avenging something, it reminds me every day of the title I should be living up to). 

I don't know how I feel about attention or ice cream sandwiches. It's very flattering, but I don't want to be that sort of person; I'm not a hero for falling in love. We all do that. I'm certainly not a hero for having sex in an elevator, even though I suspect that significantly fewer of us do that.

Everything with Tony happened wrong. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway. I was so overwhelmed by him, it was difficult to say no when I should have. We leapt into something far too soon and the result was that we careened over a cliff, used each other to treat the symptoms of our own problems rather than solving the problems themselves, and it left us with gaping holes that had only been superficially covered over. And what we did left very little room to acknowledge other people, how we were affecting them-- people like you, who deserved better. 

Are those kids okay? I talked to them on the phone once. They seemed like normal kids. I just…yes, whatever Tony thinks should be done. I'd want to take care of them. If the mother wasn't part of the plot, her, too. If we could get them set up with some Captain America toys or something, that would be great; I'm sure if the press is talking about my resignation, nobody's buying those anymore. 

I'm thinking when I get home, I want to do something with kids. Maybe do Big Brother/Big Sister. I know Tony's not ver fond of kids, but I'm sure Becky would do it with me.

I don't really like to think about what's wrong with people-- Tony's had different problems than I have, and that's all right, I guess. I just don't think he really always thinks about how different problems need different solutions, and different people need different things to solve their problems, which is kind of funny coming from somebody who owns over fifty different screwdriver bits. 

Look, I'm going to call him as soon as I get to a place with a signal. I obviously didn't know about the communicator, and I'm not sure I should tell him that I know that-- if he'd want me to know. I do thank you for telling me. I just don't know what I'm going to say. 

I think that if Tony and I are going to form a functional relationship, it's one we're going to have to build once we've sorted out some of our individual problems. I don't think-- no, I know that everything won't be solved just by coming back. I told him that once before…and then he tried so hard to convince me otherwise, told me we'd be better off helping each other, and was so earnest, and seemed so sad, that I kissed him and never looked back, even though maybe I should have. We didn't take things slowly, either, we moved in together almost instantly. It was so easy-- living in the same building, a few elevator stops away from each other, wanting to spent every minute together, get wrapped up in each other. The comfort of seeing him, having a solid presence and a reassuring voice telling me I deserved so much more than I had, they made everything feel better, took the raw edge off everything I'd been feeling. It was an easy way of creating a nice facade, I guess. For us, as much as for anyone else. Having someone warm and comforting beside you when you wake up is as good a way as any to convince yourself you don't need to be in mourning for the world.

The sad thing is, I'm not sure there should be anyone else. I'm just not sure there should be him, either. I think I might just be better off alone; some people aren't cut out for domesticity or lovers or families. But you know, Tony's got his life, he has his company, he knows what he wants to do, what he wants his life to be, and it seems like he has such a sharp picture of that, and I've…well, I've never had a choice, really. I don't know what I want to be, apart from Captain America, and I'm not sure if I want that, or it's just what I was given, and what I had to live up to. I'm not doing so well without it. At least when I had my shield, I had a direction, even if I wasn't sure I liked it.

I expect that I'm going to come back, we're going to talk, Tony's going to realize that I leaned too hard on him, that I'm not the man he thought I was, that he has better things to do with his time than wait for me to figure out what's in my head.

But I think those things all need to be said in person. In the meantime, this is all so hard, being so far away.

I haven't seen Star Wars yet, no. I promised Tony I wouldn't watch it without him, and you know how hard he is to pin down. 

Thanks again,

Steve


	580. A kind of peace

Steve,

It sounds like you’re using this time alone the way it should be used – to really consider where you need to be and what you want to do. That’s what I did in Philadelphia this spring… just stepped away and put my thoughts in order. 

I found the process of mourning something I’d lost and learning what parts of my life I value for my own sake was an ongoing process. At first it was “I love teaching, I’m never going back!” or “this is so awful I miss my office I miss Tony” every other day… then slowly I realized that maybe I was worrying too much about things that were far away, and started enjoying what I was doing in the moment. Four months later I feel that I can say with confidence while I love teaching, I miss the high-paced action of corporate upper management (honestly!) and I know that while this is something I might do again in the future, it’s not where I should be right now. There's a kind of peace in that; I'm so happy I chose to do this. 

I think you'll progress to that point, too.

Do you think you could be happy being a civilian again? I don’t know you especially well, but I one thing you share with Tony is that you’re both men of action. You aren’t content to sit and let other people deal with problems you’re more capable of handling... and you worked very hard to be in a position to make changes in the world around you. Since this adventure is (sort of) work related, maybe when you get back to the states you should take some real time off. 

I have a lovely place in Philly, three bedrooms and two full baths. If you decide you need space away from SHIELD and New York, I bet I could get the folks at Wharton to let you audit a class or two – auditing is a reasonably priced way to decide if college is something you want to do. You could sit in on classes but not be responsible for course work.

You know, even as I offer that I’m finding myself worrying about the despondent tone of your letters - you sound lost, and it makes me worry for you. Maybe you need to stop worrying about Tony, or the future, or whether or not you’re worthy of love. When I look at you I see a genuine and caring person who’s given 100% of himself for a little too long – it’s normal for anyone to feel burn-out, even a superhuman. Maybe you should focus on where you are – enjoying what you’re doing, who you’re with – and let the Tony stuff sort itself out when it sorts itself out. I guarantee you he’ll be waiting. 

Pepper


	581. Stop Calling.  Stop Writing.

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 15° 46′ 38″ S, 69° 41′ 3″ W, TAQUILE ISLAND, PUNO, PERU]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

Right. Here goes.

[breath]

Talk. Just talk.

[click]

Tony? Tony, I--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _…..ah, tsk, well. This is awkward.Good evening, Captain._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hello? Who is this?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _[chuckling] Oh, dear. You don’t remember me?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I never forget a distant, static-laden voice. Who the hell is this? Where’s Tony?

Jarvis? Jarvis, can you--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _I’ve got this, J._

_Does the word “Viastone” ring any bells? We met. January._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

Where’s Tony?

**STONE.Tiberius:** _In the shower, gumdrop._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

I need to speak to him.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _[muffled footsteps]_

_Captain, Captain, Captain. I hear you’ve been on quite the adventure as of late._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What do you know about it?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Peruvian mines, sexy pink-haired sidekicks, mind-controlling helmets… [ice clinking]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _You didn’t think your indiscretions had gone unnoticed, did you?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Am I supposed to feel threatened?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _[laughter] No. Not yet, at least. I have a few choice words for someone who could cut Tony as deeply as you have, but - I am genuinely interested in your progress._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So speak your piece and get it over with.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _What, and waste my first real opportunity to chat in earnest with Captain America? Tony must have seen something in you, beyond the arms. I’m curious._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this isn’t Captain America.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Oh, that’s right, you gave that up too. You know, I’m blonde enough, about your height, and I fit into your uniform. Maybe I have a shot, what do you think?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of ethical requirement you’re not going to live up to, Mister Stone.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Says the man who ran away from someone who needed him, leaving New York undefended, unprotected...No, no. I suspect I’d do just fine._

_Tony seems to think I fill the void, and his opinion is what counts in my book._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t realize you were literate.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _French, Italian, Mandarin. And seventeen coding languages._

_My good Captain - do you understand, exactly, why Tony Stark is here with me and not there with you?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Casse-toi.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _I guess that’s a no, then. Some tactician you turned out to be. Or is the serum still malfunctioning?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Jarvis isn’t responding. You hacked the line.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [snort] _Or he’s pissed at you. I know it’s hard to believe that a rat born in a lab could have free will, opinions -- I figure you know that better than most._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you want something, or is this purely recreational on your part?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Column A, column B._

_Stay away from Tony Stark. Stop calling. Stop writing._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Every time someone like you - someone who thinks he’s smart enough, brave enough, whatever enough to run with Tony butts into our lives, you hurt him. You’re feeding off everything he’s built, you build him up a bit, maybe -- and then you fucking leave me to pick up the pieces. I’m telling you, here and now, to back off._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Usually these kinds of warnings come with a threat of some dire consequences in the event of non-compliance, so you may as well get on with it.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _I don’t want to threaten you, Captain. I just want to make you understand._

_Ever since Tony got mixed up with you people it’s brought him nothing but -- you’ve seen his scars, his wrecked chest. How many times has he almost been killed? And when he needed your team the most, where were you?_

_I have to assume on some level you have an interest in his well being. I shouldn’t need to threaten to bring that -- ostensibly tiny -- piece of conscience to the surface._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And all of that, he does of his own free will. Mister Stone, the only time I have ever told Tony what to do, it was to try to keep him out of danger, and I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have done that, either.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _That explains why you didn’t stop him from **flying a nuclear warhead through an intergalactic portal.**_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think you could have stopped him? Not my call to make. He saved the goddamn world. I’m grateful.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _I don’t care about the world. You have no idea how--_

_[ice clinking]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How what?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Important. He is._

_Or how pissed he is with you. Take your pick._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think I’m pretty damn well aware of both of those. But I don’t own him. He makes his own decisions.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _You see? You’ll never be the kind of person he needs. He needs a firm hand, someone who’ll tough it out. I watched him bury his parents, I’ve tasted all his soft spots - you’re just another face in a long line of people he’s watched walk away._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If he wants me to walk away, I will. But I’m not intending to, and I certainly won’t do it just because some jackass with a handful of television stations thinks he can pick up the phone and try to scare me.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _It’s not myself I’m thinking of._

_[sigh]_

_He did say you were obstinate. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know I’m going to repeat every goddamn word of this back to him, don’t you?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Are you implying I should be concerned?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m implying that this is hardly worth whatever you think you’re getting out of this.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _You can’t possibly imagine what I’ve done for Tony Stark. Or would do, again, if it were necessary. He already knows everything I’ve said here._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You did this to...Ana, he stopped speaking to you. Is that worth it to you?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Ana was irrelevant, anyone could see that._

_Even when he pushes me away he **always** comes back. I **know** him. More intimately than you possibly could._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not denying that, Mister Stone. You’ve known him for more than three-quarters of his life. I’m not getting into a competition.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _That’s fortunate, for your sake._

_You know, as much a I appreciate the man, Tony’s a fairly predictable sort. The minute I heard you’d been found, I knew he’d be fishing for a piece of you. Even I didn’t expect him to invite you into his home, though. You really didn’t have a chance._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fishing? Tony didn’t fish. I’m the one who initiated it.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Only because he maneuvered you into a place where you had to. He’s careful about that, about his risks._

_Or couldn’t you find someone who’d care for you without the forty-plus years of fanboying?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wanted _him_. I love him. Creepy plastic dolls and all.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Then it must really sting, knowing he’s curled up in my bed every night while you’re sleeping on the dirt in the middle of nowhere. It’s good to be with him, again. It’s like shrugging on your favorite jacket on the first crisp day of fall. Comfortable, familiar, smelling just like you remember..._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

Don’t you dare hurt him.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Hurt him? I’ve done **nothing** but protect him, with or without his knowledge. **I’m** not the one who casually places his life on the line._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If I did that, he’d be here with me now. You and I both know that.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _New York? The UN? New Years? Valentine’s Day? Don’t make me laugh._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He makes his own choices. I trust him. He’s Iron Man.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _He’s Tony Stark first._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. I’m Steve Rogers, first. Captain America’s a title I try to live up to. Iron Man is just Tony Stark with a thicker skin.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _You don’t understand. You’re taking the most brilliant mind in the world and throwing it into the line of fire, you’re driving him to drink, you’re -- **ruining him.**_

_[silence]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is he still drinking?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _What do you think?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He doesn’t drink when he’s happy.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Why would he be happy?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] There’s something wrong. Why aren’t you-- someone needs to-- if he’s drinking, it means he needs help.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _I can’t protect him from damage you’ve already done, you ass._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I made mistakes. That’s between him and me. What the hell is your point?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _My point is that you need to leave him alone, let me do what I do best. Let me take care of him._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s a forty-four year old man. You don’t think this sounds a little creepy?

**STONE.Tiberius:** _[laugh] Creepy? What are you, a fourteen year old girl?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I just think maybe you want to let a man decide some things for himself.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Unnecessary. He knows I have his best interest in mind._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, if you want him to quit the Avengers, you’re going to have to talk to someone else. I’m off the team.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _That will take care of itself. The team is falling apart. I just have to keep him in one piece until then._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know he was Iron Man before the Avengers existed. It’s the most important thing in the world to him. He won’t give that up. He wouldn’t give it up for Pepper; he won’t give it up for you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _I am **not** Pepper Potts. [snort]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Neither am I. Neither of us could ever replace her, so I doubt we get to make those kinds of demands.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _She doesn’t need replacing. He’s better off without her nitpicking, overbearing presence._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...She’s his best friend.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Wrong again, Captain._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mister Stone, there are only two correct answers to that question and the other answer is Jim Rhodes.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Aha-hahaha-ha- [laughter]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So you and Rhodey don’t get along, either, then? I’m shocked. Do you get along with any of Tony’s other friends?

**STONE.Tiberius:** _Tony doesn’t get along with Tony’s other friends, Captain, and there’s a reason for that._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because you call them all up and issue thinly-veiled threats to scare them away?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _You called me, Captain. And there’s clearly only room for one massive ego in this conversation - you’re really quite stifling._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I called **Tony**.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Given that I’ve got the run of the house, that got you me. It’s really not that complicated, Captain._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you like the paint job in the library?

**STONE.Tiberius:** _[laughter] I hate to tell you this, but we don’t spend a lot of time in rooms without beds. Or counters._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

Tell Tony we made camp. Ray and I are going to scout, and we’ll be on schedule for the next part of our mission. He knows what that means. I need to hear from him before then. I don’t think he’ll be happy if he doesn’t hear it.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _...are you asking me to do you a favor?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You want to answer Tony’s calls, you get to pass on the messages. That’s how it works. Otherwise, you can let them go to voicemail.

**STONE.Tiberius:** _[snort] Oh, you **are** good at giving orders, aren’t you. I’ll tell him - if I feel its in his best interest, of course._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I’m sure you don’t want to deal with Tony when he finds out you haven’t.

You understand?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** _Oh, I quiver with fear. [laughter]_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I recorded this call.

[click]

{{Saving…}}


	582. 24 hour news cycle

Hey, Gumdrop--

I got this C&D in the mail from your lawyer-- Walters? This is a new one; tell me Alvarez is still with you, yeah? I liked that guy.

Anyway, you know I don't pay any attention to the newswire...it's basically a defunct system in the 24 hour news cycle as it it, but this just gives me another excuse to shut it down. I swear I had no idea this asshole got anywhere near your footage; I've issued a company-wide moratorium on any photos, videos, or sound recordings related to Captain America, and fired this idiot hack. He can go work for the Globe or something.

So sorry about that. I hope it doesn't cause too many problems. If there's anything I can do to correct the mistake, you know I'm good for it.

Anyway, I paid you for your photos (you're really collecting licensing on Instagram pics, now, Cookiepuss? Really) and settled the rest with your legal department at a very nice advantage to you. 

Let me know when I can try on that suit.

\--T


	583. Due to Budgetary Concerns

Team:

I'm comfortably installed in my suite at the Tower, and appreciate the warm welcome, although I have mixed feelings about sleeping on Iron Man sheets. 

I understand that several of you are planning a very long breakfast this morning, so let me recommend that we convene for a status meeting shortly thereafter.

1) I am going to be reinstating Agent Romanova to active status. There is no reason that with a larger roster we can't work around anyone's personal commitments. My apologies for the prolonged desk duty. 

2) We'll also be looking at the CVs of several SHIELD consultants with abilities particularly suited to this team. If anyone would like to refer a contact to the candidate pool, please let me know. We are looking to add at least one new member or two part-time members. As some of you know, SHIELD offers a generous referral bonus if your referral is hired.

3) I need a full update on everyone's current status and outstanding projects. And will someone _please_ account for Thor's whereabouts? I understand that he isn't officially beholden to SHIELD, but Director Fury said something about 'Prince of Egypt bullshit.'

4) I believe I requested fewer anonymous complaints about pet care, not more. Due to budgetary concerns, SHIELD unfortunately is not prepared to commit to supplying rhinestone collars or Swarovski crystal-encrusted cat bowls at this time.

5) The final item on the agenda is this whole Captain America Takes a Holiday story. Resignation or not, the PR is going to reflect on the team. Furthermore, Steve is a personal friend (as I know he is to most of you) and regardless of his status with SHIELD, I feel this requires our support. Please come prepared with thoughts on the matter.

Best,

Barbara Morse, PhD  
"Mockingbird"  
Team Leader, The Avengers Initiative


	584. The mission's on

T--

Got Nat's message; we were on the road and a good ways away from Cusco by then, so we avoided any trouble there.

They clearly picked up that we were heading south: HYDRA's crawling all over Puno; we went around the city...abandoned our car on the side of the road on the other side of town, pointed in the wrong direction. We sadly had to leave Captain Ameridoll to keep watch, so when last we saw him, he was sitting in the front seat trying to reach the steering wheel. Ray's a genius at covering tracks and the quick disguise thing (I'm terribly unsurprised, given her history), so I've got a buzz cut and a goatee and it's possibly the most ridiculous I've ever looked. She's hacked her hair short, dyed it two shades darker, and she's wearing my clothes, which helps. Unfortunately, I don't fit in her clothes, or I'd be decked out in a pink dress about now.

I called earlier to talk to you, but Stone answered your phone. I had assumed he was the problem with the satellites, ~~but I suppose~~ but I don't want to jump to conclusions. I do need to tell you he tried to issue me an ultimatum about contacting you. I'm not-- I know you haven't been replying lately, Pepper told me about my communicator slipping, which should never, ever have happened, and if you want to keep our communication strictly business for now or for the foreseeable future ~~or permanently~~ , you know I'll honor that. But I also know you're not the kind of man who'd send that message through a third party; I'm certain that if you did, that third party would never be Tiberius Stone. It's making me wonder if you've even been getting my calls.

Please be careful around him. I know you're careful; I just need to say it.

We're camping out on an island called Taquile in the middle of the lake-- We've got a clear vantage point from all possible approaches, and I think we've got enough cover. I managed to get through to Natasha; she assures me everything is fine on your end, and I got a status call in from Barton, who said something about being on target to hit at 0900 and something about spandex and churches that I didn't entirely understand. I'll talk to you bright and early. The facility is just across the lake, toward the northwest border of Bolivia, about 23 miles from here.

I found a little stretch of beach that's well-protected from view, and there's no one around. It's beautiful, quiet, still. It's freezing at night, though-- I'm not ashamed to say I'm glad you sent me that cape. I've got it wrapped around my shoulders right now.

\--Steve 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This photo was actually taken by the one and only Rain while on Taquile Island, Puno, Peru.


	585. The Golden Archer

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014}**

[LOCATION ID - BUNKER LVL -1]

{{RECORDING}}

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Here, I’ve got the last set of docs Stone sent over before I knocked him off our servers overlaid with the intel from--

[beep]

\--Stark?

Did you _buy_ your own satellite?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You can’t honestly be shocked, Legal. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you going to name it?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Star(k) Wars?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s not funny. At least go for the obvious pun and make it the Death Stark, Stark Vader.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] 

It’ll be an Initiative satellite, eventually. We can have another house vote.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** A satellite’s a lot of responsibility, Stark. I hope you’re ready to feed it and walk it.  


[breath]

Back to the data. This should be Steve’s current location; his projections put him at the spot in the next five to ten minutes. If you look right here, see that speck by the lake? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah. Here -- J, blow this up?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Yes, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Alright, I’m seeing the speck… Here. So this is one of the waste-water dump sites Steve indexed. We’ve seen seventeen of these across the states -- but obviously Roxxon is doing more drilling and refining abroad than they’ve been reporting. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** This one in particular, though, SHIELD’s been monitoring the traffic, and it’s one of the ones Stone got a report on from the Wikileaks people, about high levels of some kind of radiation…that suddenly vanished, overnight, a few weeks ago.

[huff]

We should get Bruce to read through this part. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Fucking wikileaks, free-information ra--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We've got the readouts thanks to them, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [pause]

Yeah. Let’s call him in; if that’s indicative of radiation levels there could be a gamma element. We don’t want Steve getting too close to this shit, knowing him he’ll dive in headfirst, literally.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [breath] Right. You-- [tapping]

Love? Tony and I have something we want you to look at when you have a moment. 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Nat? I always have a moment._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thank you, darling. It’s a radiation signature, close to where Steve might be going… I’ll send the files right now.

[tapping] 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** _This…. hmm. These readings are familiar. This is in South America?_

**STARK.Jarvis:** Forwarding GPS coordinates, Master Bruce. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Familiar how? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Closer than it should be to the, well. Jane would actually be a better resource for this. It resembles the readings we get near Asgardian gateways, Asgardian science._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You mean “magic”.

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Science in the sense that it follows rules, Stark. They just have different rules there. You should actually listen the next time Thor tries to explain it to you. 

Can you tell me anything else, love? Do you need time? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** [silence]

_Time? Not a lot of time. But I need to run this against my index of radiation signatures, it’ll take a few minutes. Jarvis, do you mind…_

[muffled]

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No worries. Call me when you have it? 

**BANNER.Robert.B.:** _Of course._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Call Jane if you need help. [smooch] Love you.

 **BANNER.Robert.B.:** _You, too._

[click]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Fucking _magic_.

You two have gotten… like, super extra cozy, haven’t you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] Your cottage is super-extra-cozy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmmmmhm. You’re welcome.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’re the same. I don’t know; Bruce has been...increasingly distracted. Usually he’s good about talking to me, but...I don’t know if it’s his family…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** He mentioned that; I hate to suggest it, but it might be worth pursuing if we do go private.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Pursuing what? What did he say to you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** He was exploring the transitive properties of the modified serum via blood transfusion. It -- look, can we focus right now? Crazy radioactive signal, Steve in impending danger?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh. Well, he’s been looking at that for over a year now. So. Yes. The signal seems to have been strongest _here_ , there are roads leading in and out here and here...

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Sir, Captain Rogers’ feed is live.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Speaker, J.

Steve??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We’re here. Tony, this place is...not a waste facility._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Unless they’re throwing out solid gold. It’s crawling with armed guards._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** We’ve got reports of significant radiation signatures in the area; are you wearing your bodysuits?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Well, Steve refused to go shirtless, so yeah. Got ‘em._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Bodysuits, face masks; we’re covered head-to-toe; don’t worry, Tony. The question is, what are we looking for and where are we supposed to go. You don’t suppose-- if there’s radiation, is it like the radiation from the Tesseract?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** …….

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Bruce is working on the precise signature; it’s inconsistent with expected readings. Artifacts, maybe, I don’t know. Fucking Roxxon.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Hey, collecting magical artifacts is a fuck of a lot better than the damage they did in the Gulf last year._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** In your highly educated opinion? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Public high school dropout, proud of it._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Classy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[clearing throat] In my highly-educated partial-Bachelor’s of Fine Arts opinion, it seems like most of the guards are stationed near the water and not near the facility. Tony, can I transmit video? ?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I bought you a satellite. Go for it.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You bought a-- right, just a...there._

_[bzzt]_

_Can you see that?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah. That’s -- a lot of cover. Please tell me you aren’t about to Captain America the shit out of these people.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Captain America is a verb now? I...no, here’s my thinking...are we looking for the Crown itself here, or something else? We’ve got a location but we’re not entirely sure what we’ll find._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I've got something from Bruce. Stark, does this-- Steve, I think you guessed right.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, definitely a possibility of crown. Radiation signatures match expected reading for a major artifact. We’re not looking at tesseract levels of activity, but definitely something big.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Unless HYDRA’s up to something we didn’t anticipate. Alright, Ray, we need a little recon. We’ve got the cover to do it properly._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, I’ll see if I can spot anybody I know..._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony, I’m assuming the radiation is strongest in the lake, isn’t it?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [tapping]

It is. But this could _actually_ be a dump site, or former dump site. Puno on the Peru side had a history of strikes over dumping and drainage issues… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _That’s fine. I’ve got my suit; I’m going in._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I think it might be better to have Ray go for a swim - we need your eyes for sentinel counts topside. Should have been a re-breather in one of your drops.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _If it’s a dump site, there could be contamination. And I’m not going to recognize HYDRA folks. I’ll take the water. That work for you, Ray?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You think I didn’t set you up with radiation suits? Please. There’s even a live display on the thumb of the gloves.

[muttering]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’d rather play it safe, Tony, if there’s a possibility it’s not from this planet._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...don’t get caught, Steve. I need you whole.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Oh, well, there goes my entire plan of defeating HYDRA by getting cut into a million pieces. Don’t worry, Tony. I’ve got this._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Wouldn’t be the first time. 

Cap really **is** dead. Whatever happened to the _cut the chatter, people_ bullshit we all know and love? Ugh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’ll go back to the bullshit when I get my shield back, fair?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Whatever. 

[tapping] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Can you two orchestrate some kind of distraction?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** How do you feel about hitting the lights, Nat? Simple yet effective? 

[tapping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Rolling brownouts would be typical this time of year; it won’t seem too suspicious.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m thinking at least one of the floodlights. Steve, you’re north, right? I’ll buy you some cover.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Perfect. That’s why I...count on you._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fuck’s sake, would you two just..._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Do you want backup or not?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Sure, I want backup. I also want you two to work out your shit. Sorry, Steve, you weren’t supposed to hear that._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** For fuck’s sake --

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I also want a pony._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, well. Frogs want wings, so they won’t drag-ass when they hop.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _**I** want to get this jalopy on the road. You’re taking out the lights, Stark? There’s a pipeline about five hundred feet out, I think I can get past the perimeter that way. _

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Do it. Just remember it’s a rebreather not a full SCUBA setup, you’re gonna be recycling air at 50/60% O2 levels. It shouldn’t be a problem for you, but don’t push your limits.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’ll take it slow, Stark. Ray?_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, boss?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We’ve talked about this. Err on the side of caution. Once you give away your position, you can’t get it back. It’s more important for you to stay safe than to ID anyone._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Got it. You want me to just stick here until I get a signal?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Yes. Stay here, unless you have to run._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Aye, aye, Cap’n._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Good. I’m going in. [trudging footsteps]_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I have twelve topside outside the building, Ray. Four appear to be stationary assignments, the others are pacing; if you do go in try the northwest edge, it might be easier.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Thanks, Nat. You see any women?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** The readouts display heat signatures. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _You see anybody with cold, reptilian blood?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Just you.

[static pop]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Actually, speaking of reptiles. I’ve got some feeds of the interior, there’s definitely some Himmler-esque treasure collecting going on here. I’m picking up what look to be cases topped in glass - Steve, I know you copy this, I want to you pay attention to pressure-triggers particularly on the floor. That’s a pretty low budget security element, fits with this kind of scene. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Oh, sounds just like your basement._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You know I’m pressing charges, right? A little B &E for the old rap-sheet, my gift to you.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I already have plenty of that, thanks. And I’d love to see you actually follow through with something for once._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Says the high school dropout.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _At least I admit it when I fuck up._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Please. If that’s the extent of your fuckups, your ambition is lacking.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _If that’s the extent of your communication skills, I don’t see what I missed in high school._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter]

You’ve got twelve minutes on the rebreather, Steve.

[tapping]

As much as I’d love you to stay put and test that new kevlar-weave on your custom Starktech body armor, Diamondback, I’ve got eyes on a sweep squadron coming at you. I’d say - two minutes. I’m charting a couple of vehicles to your right, sweep left so you don’t get pinned at the shore.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Left. Got it. [running footsteps] I can get high, how’s the cover in the trees?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t. You’re safer down low - I have eyes up high. What no -- crates? Ditches? Cardboard boxes?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _You forgot trash cans._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Go for it; out of sight is the key phrase here.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I can do out of sight._

[footsteps, shouting] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fuck! Stark, there’s-- do you see…_

[click] 

[shout, impact, cry of pain] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Okay, one down, just--Mmmph!_

[grunts, sounds of struggle] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Diamondback?? Diamondback, do you copy?

[bzzt]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[splutter]_

_[deep breath]_

_RAY?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** BACKUP. BACKUP, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.

[crackling]

[thwok thwok thwok]

[struggle]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fuck! I’m-- Yeah. We’ve got a--_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _The **hell**?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [cackling] Zoom in, here, I have their security feed up --

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [loud laughter]

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Take that, foul corporate scum - the Golden Archer will strike thee where thou standst!_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Seriously? _Seriously?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laughter] I-- ha...ha...

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Who the hell is the Golden--_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Golden archer my _ass._ Cap, stay down, you’re wide open!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** His ass, you mean. It’s so _shiny_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Is that **Barton**? Stark, no one’s looking at **me** right now, believe me._

[splash]

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _I know not this Barton thou speakest of! The Golden Archer’s origins are as mysterious as he is handsome; and oh, he is a striking specimen. With a shiny, shiny ass._

[thwok thwok]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [throat clearing] A striking specimen of _what_ , is the question.

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Majesty. Attractiveness. Insert._

[thwok]

Superlative.

[thwok] Here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Absurdity.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Uh. Yeah. That would be Clint. Hey, Clint. Sorry about the whole hostage-taking thing._

[click, hiss]

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Surely someone so humble-sounding as Master Barton would not begrudge a young woman her personal struggles and/or poor choice in companionship. Taste, a difficult thing to accountest...for._

_The Golden Archer suggests thou makest with the cover, however._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, we’re gonna have fog in three, two--_

[hiss]

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Fog? Really? When you have a sniper up high?_

[grumbling]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fuck! Sorry, never worked with a sniper! I'll coordinate better next time!_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Cap, you better be in route. This distraction is only gonna last as long a Barton’s shiny ass stays in one piece.

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Ahem, _the Golden Archer._ Thanks. _

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m tracking Cap at the mouth to the internal pipes - I’m taking the power down in three... two…

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Dude needs a new name. Captain South America sounds super awkward._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You do realize that’s a continent, not a country, right?

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer is a master of geography as well as fletchery._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _America isn’t a fucking country, either._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** America, as in, United States Of. Or did you think the red white and blue was Canadian? Maybe they teach that in 11th grade. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Maybe the nineteen forties were full of jingoistic propaganda._

[bbbzerrrooooo]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Power out. Turbines are off for the time being, Cap. All internal access should be clear. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[sploosh]_

_[thump]_

_[breathing]_

_I’m in. Barton. Good to see you. Err. Hear you. Seeing you was a little blinding._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer believes thou have him confused with another, sir. Thouest should learn to tell a hawk-eye from a handsaw._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Sure thing, Shakespeare._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer also feels the need for a name change, given your circumstances at present. Something reflective of a rebellious heart and--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I will _actually_ kill you, Barton. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Don’t kill my fucking backup. I’m still a Captain. Cap works._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Perhaps -- Captain Kickass. Captain Cut-throat. Captain Blood. No. Something catchier…. Diamondback, your seven --_

_[thwok]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Got it._

_[click, bang]  
_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve, you’re going to want to move to your left to the nearest entrance; I’ve got the camera on you. Incoming in five, four three-- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’ve got them. [smack]_

_[grunt]_

_[thump]_

_[thud]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** For the record, he’s on my payroll - I can kill him if I feel like it. No one would even notice.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I would notice. He owes me fifty bucks.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You’ll get your pound of flesh either way.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’ve got Hamlet and Shylock now. Who’s Steve?

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _The _Wanderer._ No… Ronin? That’s a little otaku-poi.... The Golden Archer does not team with the weeaboo. _

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[smack]_

_[punch]_

_[bang]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _The Lone Ranger? Soldier of Fortune?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** He’s not all that alone at pre--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[deep breaths]_

_[smack]_

_[slam]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Sherpa? Bedouin?_

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _NOMAD. NOMAD. TOTALLY NOMAD._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I hate my life. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Can we get him a llama?_

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Alpaca is more fun to say._

_Though you can’t ride an alpaca. The Golden Archer hath researched such critical topics. He is a learned rogue!_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[heavy breathing]_

_He did. He made me draw alpacas to post on Reddit._

_[shouts, gunfire]_

_[thumps]_

_I’m at the door. Are you two coming in?_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer prefers the perch of the noble hawk, where eyes accustomed to distance may rain feathery death upon enemies far and wide._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Plug me in, I want eyes inside. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve, it looks like there should be an access point about two feet from where you’re standing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Done._

[bzzt] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Aw, yeah. Come to papa. 

[typing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Barton, I’m going to need you--have you got a view on the interior? The windows on the north wall?_

_Ray, if everything’s clear, north doorway. But only if it’s clear._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Archer hath eyes everywhere, including the north wall, Nomad._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Ahhh -- uplink is good. Jarvis, access main file trees in descending order, most active first -- I need maps, I need … 

[tapping]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Hey, Goldiehawk? Cover my ass?_

_[footsteps]_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _It ~~is~~_ a nice ass. Well done there, Captain Nomad. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I didn’t do any..._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I never should have let you skip the mandatory sexual harassment training.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _**Oh.**_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _You’re welcome, Steve._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [tapping, silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Did you ever take the mandatory sexual harassment training, Stark?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I own the company. What do you think?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Becky grabbed my ass in mandatory sexual harassment training, so I thought you’d created the program._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** If you liked the class, you should see my private elevator.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I have._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We all have.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I… right.

Right.

Forwarding maps to your device, Cap.

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Hawk-warddddddd._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, really. Thanks for that, Golden Asshead._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I think I’m liking this Nomad thing, actually. It has a whole new wealth of possibilities for puns._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You should start wearing your undies on the outside, Superman style.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Are you that desperate to see my underwear?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Bite me, Clark.

Total security staff appears to hover at roughly forty - watch your back in there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[thwack]_

_[thud]_

_That’s thirty-nine._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[footsteps]_

_[door creaks]_

_I’m in._

_[click]  
_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** __

_Right, and I see you, Ray. You stay behind me, mask on, be ready to gas the hall if we need to._

_What are you thinking, Stark? You see this chamber on the lower level? There seems to be...high concentration of guards._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Seems like it’s worth a shot-- Stark, do we have a way to track radiation levels down there? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Do frogs have watertight assholes? Cap’s got a Starkpad on hand.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Starkpads have radiation sensors? That’s a feature you never told me about._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Your does.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Found it. Nice icon. Does Banner know this has his face on it?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I told him it was for his caller ID in my phone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[tapping]_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** More than we were getting outside, but it still looks like it's being dampened.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Right. Following this toward the highest radiation levels._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** My readings are suggesting the southern corner, but a lof of this is residual. The item may be shielded, if it hasn’t been moved.

 **ARCHER.Golden:** _Movement outside. They’ve called in outer patrols._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Shit. All right. We make for the southern corner and--_

_[thump]_

_[bang]_

_[shouts]_

_Ray, stay close._

_[footsteps]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Status? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Still walking._

_[gunfire]_

_[shouting]_

_[running footsteps]_

_**Now, Ray!** _

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[click]_

_[hiss]_

_[explosion]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You should be right on top of it, Cap.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _On top of-- Ray, you have--_

_[thwack]_

_[thump]_

_[smack]_

_[bang]_

_**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[click] Got it, boss. Stand back.__

Three. 

Two. 

[explosion] 

_**STARK.Anthony.E:** Jesus fucking Christ, at least let me run a scan on load-bearing bits and pieces before you -- all okay in there? _

_[muffled] What’s my charge stat, J? Mmm._

_**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Dusty. Fine. Ray, I’ve got you; we’re…__

[grunt] 

Through the floor. 

__Ready?_ _

_**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah. Ready.__

_**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Barton, we’re going into the cellar, cover those windows, but I want you to be ready to get the hell out of there.  
_ _

_**ARCHER.Golden:** _[crunching footsteps]__

_The Golden Archer spies three trucks, a jeep, and what looks like a 16 - 19 foot speedboat._

_**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Right. How many men on the speedboat?_ _

_**ARCHER.Golden:** _Three.__

[thunk] 

Two. 

[thwap] 

One. And by one, I mean… **the Golden Archer**. 

_**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Good. Hold it. We’re going down. Ray? Gun._ _

[whoosh] 

[thump] 

[grunt] 

[gunfire] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [tapping, clicking] I’m thinking you want to get back over to Peru ASAP, people. Jarvis, I need a satellite visual over Titicaca -- this isn’t a lake-lake, it’s pretty much an inland sea. A boat under 19 feet isn’t gonna take the kind of swell the center of the lake’s got working. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Well, it’s what we’ve got. We’ll make it work._

[gunfire] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Since when you were an expert on nautical safety standards, Stark??_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Don’t ever ask him that. He’s always an expert._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _He **built** his own yacht. When he was sixteen. I think it flies._

[gunfire] 

[thwack] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What’s that in the corner; it’s messing with my visuals. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[bang]_

[thump] 

God, please be my...

There’s a...safe. Locked. Bolted down. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Digital or analog? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Doesn’t fucking matter. I’ve got this. Steve. Cover me._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _[thunk thunk] Any day now, kids._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _It’s a tricky one. I need a--_

_[gunfire]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[breathing]_

_[smack]_

_[bang]_

_**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint, you’ve got company. Man on the roof, your two o’ clock. _

_[scuffling]_

_[thump]  
_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[click]_

_[creak]_

_Got i--Fuck, this thing is creeptacular._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[whistle] That’s it._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** As soon as you get it to the boat I want a full scan. Cap, use the radiation dampening bag or they might be able to use the residual radiation to trace you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ahead of--_

_[thump]_

_[bang]_

_[gunfire]_

_You. I’m more worried about this thing sending us messages in our sleep. We’re coming up, Barton!_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _**ARCHER.**_

_And what?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Sorry, **Barton** , what was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of your costume._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] This really is the last time I give you creative input on that front, Merida. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _You’d understand the appeal if you ever fought in a skirt, Stark._

_[thunk]_

_[splash]_

_It’s just so breezy._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _So, is this, like, a Scottish-style costume, Cli-- er. Archer-I-Don’t-Recognize?_

_[gunfire]_

_[running footsteps]_

_[slam]_

_[bang]_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Ray! To the righ--_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Yeah, yeah--_

_[click]_

_[explosion]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You think I’d leave my man hanging? He has matching panties. 

I made them lace just for you, Cap. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fuck off, Stark. Don’t be bitter just because you can’t rock them._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You obviously haven’t seen sex tape number three and a half. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _...and a half??_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _What is it, dry humping? No one wants to watch that, Stark._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** My eight hundred thousand views on youtube disa-- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve, Rachel, you’ve got six men coming toward you in about two minutes; get out of there. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _The way up’s blocked; we’re going to take this by water. Ray. You take this; I’ll cover you._

_[gunfire]_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _But you only have--_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I have one more backup element, Cap. Don’t go nuts just yet, if you give me another five I can -- Clint, incoming jet skiis. Jesus, I didn’t think any _actual_ villains did the jet skii thing, that’s super lame. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _[engine rolling over]_

[gunfire]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We’re up against a wall, Stark, I’d rather get out to the boat. Go, Ray._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _How are you going to breathe, exactly, if I have this?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Hold my breath. _Go_. Captain’s orders._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Fine._

[groan] 

[sploosh] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Widow, I need a read on the building. You see anyone else alive in here? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It looks like most of ‘em are outside. You’ve got about ten, all told…four of them approaching. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [click] What do they look like? Any civilians? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Civilians? W-- no. It just looks like soldiers. All heavily armed. Looks like typical HYDRA issue. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nothing that looks like a shield? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] 

Sorry, Steve, no. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _THAT GUY HAS A HARPOON! An honest to god harpoon! Fuck yes, the Golden Archer **loves South America.** _

[thunk thwok] **STARK.Anthony.E:** What the fuck does anyone need a harpoon for on Lake Titicaca? 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Murdering Roxxon dudes, obviously._

[explosion] 

[engine revving] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I hope that means we have a harpoon now?_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Three, bitches._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Steve, you have about thirty seconds before your back’s to the wall again. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Good. I’m on my way. Ray has the rebreather, if I don’t come up...ah...well. I’ll come up._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t be fucking stupid, Steve -- Three minutes. I can get you out. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I know, **Tony**. You can count it off._

[deep breath] 

[sploosh] 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer’s jet-ski buddies are back in force, team. Where exactly are they coming out?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Go south two hundred feet, by the turbine facility just there on the shore. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do we want to motorboat right into the enemy? Just get out of there, Barton. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer does enjoy a good motorboating. He is also high fiving the air in the direction of New York, bee-tee-dubs._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** The Black Widow is aware, and New York is high-fiving back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It was kind of creepy the way you calculated the trajectory pre-air-five, Nat. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’ve just got to watch the elbow. That’s all there is to it. 

Cap, you’ve been down for ninety. Archer, your ride is incoming. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _I have company - seriously, fucking seriously, people. I can’t shoot **and** drive **and** look this good. _

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _[splash] [breaths] I can drive. [splashing, thump]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You know what they say about women drivers…. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _We look fucking hot at the helm of a boat?_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Awwww, seriously? Has Becky taught you **nothing** about the patriarchy?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _The patriarchy’s fucked me enough times, Mister Mysterious Golden Archer, I say fuck it right back. [dripping] [rustling] [wet thump]_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _You’re the ….. best. And also the best at being shirtless. Uh. Mental note - do not flirt with Nomad’s new girlfriend, do not flirt with…._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I’m not his girlfriend. You can flirt as much as you want. [slide] [engine rev]_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Stark, look, I’ve got a few coming in hot, we really can’t sit. Can you pick Nomad up? Maybe you can talk about your feelings and stuff while Ray and I pretend not to listen. [engines roaring, splashing]_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Die in a fire. Also, yes. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Hit it, sexy. [boat engines speeding away]_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve? Your time...

[silence]

_Steve??_

[clicking, snapping]

[thrusters firing] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Holy **fuck** , is that Iron Man? How is he-- I thought he was in New York._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Yes and no, technically. It’s spiffy, right? Don’t even ask, he never lets **anyone** drive it._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Stark, nice suit. There’s a sex tape I would actually watch. You-- Steve? Is Steve all right?_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, he’s about fifteen feet down, your ten o’clock.

[KASPLASH]

[water boiling, bubbling] 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Tony’ll take care of him. Hold on, Ray. Big water up ahead._

[water churning, exploding upwards] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[gasping, deep breath]_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You with me, Steve? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? You’re...here? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [silence] 

I …. it’s just the suit, Cap. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Oh._

[silence] 

You...remote system’s working nicely. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I used it to ferry Clint down, but it was too tapped out for combat. I’m running on fumes though, so no joyriding, yeah? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _No, just drop me on the boat, and…_

[gunfire] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** **Hang on.**

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Not letting go._

[lips on metal]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** St--

Steve? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, you’re looking a little warm there. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I … uh, I.

Trying to do some… highly technical flying and stuff here, Natasha, if you don’t mind. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Sorry. I--_

[rushing wind, repulsor blasts firing] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It looks very technical. Stark, Jarvis’ monitor says your system’s-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** No apologies necessary. You just … surprised me.

[reactor humming, repulsors firing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _You...yeah. It’s just...Not the right time for feelings._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course not. Nazis, first, then heart to-- 

_Fuck_ , incoming--

[whooshing, gunfire clinking against metal]

BREATHE IN, I’M CUTTING YOU LOOSE. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gasp, sharp inhale] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [muffled swearing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[struggling]_

[splash]

[repulsor fire]

[tearing sound] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Damage readings, Jarvis, I’ve got no repulsor accessible on left palm, right --

[sputtering] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _I’m circling the boat back around! Fuck! Was that a harpoon?_

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer isn’t 100% on harpoon range. Nomad, we’re circling round -- you damaged? In the drink?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[splashing] Here! There’s...team, there’s a boat coming up behind--_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right. There, on the monitor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Put it all into the right boot and target the pursuers’ engines, J. We’re gonna rock this, Divine Wind style.

[repulsor fire]

[ricocheting explosions, shrapnel scattering across water]

[screaming] 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Fuck you, Stark, you just torpedoed my ride, didn’t you?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Sorry kid, always been good with weapons. I was fresh out of options. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Steve! Grab on to-- uh...Clint?_

**ARCHER.Golden:** Grab hold, blon-- fuck, you really did dye your hair! 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[grunt]_

[splash]

[heaving]

[wet thump, water sloshing on boat deck] 

[deep breaths]

Yeah. Blending in, and all. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Sweet. As the blondest person on the team I now expect to get **all** the girls. _

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Everyone okay?

[panting] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Fine. Wet, some bruises. Superficial scrapes, cuts...nothing serious. And we got what we came for, I think...Ray, northwest. Let’s put as much distance as we can between us and this mess._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right. We’ve got footage of HYDRA, out in the open, clear as day. I’m going to get this to Fury; he should be able to send someone to clean up the rest. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not necessary, Widow. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _You sure? This site really oughta be--_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] _Just give it three...two…_

[loud explosion] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Fuck! What the fuck was that!

[waves sloshing, boat rocking] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _My counting was a little off._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Did you just... blow up the entire fucking facility? This heat signature is-- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _We’re already here; might as well finish the job._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _I, uh, hate to point out the obvious but the papers pretty much told everyone we’d be in the area. Maybe we should hoof it outta here before this gets any zanier?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _The wheel’s all yours, Captain. Uh. And by Captain, I mean Clint. Archer. Guy. Boat-Captain._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve are you -- well. I guess it’s too late, now. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Am I what?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Are you -- … breathing clearly? You were down for a while. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Fine. Just laying charges._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** …

Any complaints on the duds, Golden boy? 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Nah, it’s all good. Totally lifts and separates. A+._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Not quite suitable for water this cold-- I’m a little chill-- Ray, how are you not freezing without a shirt?_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Honestly? I was colder with. I could always take the shiny gold one off Clint, though._

**ARCHER.Golden:** _The Golden Archer would like to--_

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** \--quit grossly abusing the third person narration? Reacquire his sense of shame? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Make a sexy video that puts Stark out of business?_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That’ll never happen. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Like you’re into shame, Starkers. Sorry - I met this weird guy at a bar, it was kind of contagious..._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Seriously? Next time I transport you across continents I’m cutting out the pee stops. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Sounds like you need to send condoms, too._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Nope. He gets what he gets, man. Karmic justice. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _[breath]_

Shiny karmic justice. 

It’s good to see you, Barton. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _You too, Cap._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It looks like you’re in the clear for now. Call in when you make landfall; we’ll find you a safe place to camp. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I chipped Barton anyway, so we’ll know where you’re at. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _Jealous. We all wanna chip Barton._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Har dee har. Be, uh, take care. Secondary drowning is a thing that, you know. Happens. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I’m not going to drown above water, Tony._

[silence] 

Thanks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re … welcome. I-- Yeah, okay, uh. Welcome. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _I-- ah. I’ll talk to you tonight._

**STARK.Anthony.E:** O...kay. 

**ARCHER.Golden:** _Oh my god. Why is it physically impossible to shoot myself and put me out of my misery. Ray???_

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** _And leave me alone with him again? No dice. It’s been like this for **weeks**_

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...weeks?

Uh. No. Later tonight. New York, signing off. Before we stick our feet any further down our throats. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Bolivia-- err---Peru, somewhere in the middle-ish, signing off._

[click]

{{Saving…}}


	586. I don't want you here.

T,

Thank you for the support this afternoon. I don't know what we would have done without you. 

I know I said this before, but I need to say it again: telling you that it was better for you to stay home never in any way meant I don't want you here. I know it was hard for you to hear. It was hard for me to say. I had to work myself up enough to say it that I just said all the wrong things instead.

We're back on Taquile. We've got the Crown. It's in the radiation-dampening bag, but I need to tell you now that something about it feels wrong. It has a... _presence_ , I guess, would be the word for it. No controller, and while I'd rather have it in our hands, it seems that we only need the piece Thor is after, and the Crown and the Controller together would be a dangerous combination. I'm mulling over whether it's better to look for it or leave it be and get back with the Crown. Give us a few days-- there's a damn lot more HYDRA agents in the area. SHIELD should be able to move now that we have proof of their presence, but god knows they're still going to be messing with bureaucratic red tape, and I don't want to make it easy for HYDRA to disappear in the meantime.

I was really hoping to find my shield. I'm not sure if it's an appropriate use of resources to look. We don't even know if it's here.

Thanks for working with Ray. You two did a damn good job together (not that I'm surprised; you've always been able to put differences behind you when it matters). Thanks also for sending Barton. I'm not sure if I should be thanking you for dressing him entirely in reflective metallic gold, but he seems inordinately pleased with himself. 

~~I love you~~ I miss you. I think I can talk now, if you want to.

S


	587. I will always back you up.

S –

It was good to see you this morning. I’m glad I could help.

I should have told you myself that I was putting Clint on my payroll and sending him down to you, though the suit was a last minute addition. I hadn’t tested the remote-activation at such an extended range before, and the satellite-lag took some getting used to. Our golden archer is officially on my personal security staff, now, while Widow and I have the necessary conversations about privatization. The goal is eventually to roll him back into the Initiative once we’re fully unaffiliated with SHIELD.

I owe you an apology, Steve. My own inability to get on top of my problems meant you were in the splash zone when my shit hit the fan. Outside of the obvious failures as a significant other and a teammate I’ve allowed someone you don’t know and neither of us trusts to make decisions about image and marketing related to our PR – and he threw you under the bus to get at me. I should have anticipated it, but I underestimated how far he would go to get under my skin. I thought he’d put business before pleasure and I was very, very wrong - you were spot on, Stone hacked the line and was diverting my calls... he must have been screening for anything coming out of South America. Jen's in the process of leveling half a dozen restraining orders on him and his various PAs over it, so we have at least 90 days of breathing room.

I suppose in the end that’s another example of me trusting my own math while failing to account for the human element. I thought I knew how to make you happy, but I stopped letting you tell how I could do that. I made some unflattering assumptions about who you are and what you wanted, and acted like an ass when you found someone who could give you some measure of comfort. I don’t like Diamondback, but after last night I can see why you’re willing to work with her. I hope she gives you what you need.

I realize how inappropriate this is to send considering you’re hunkered down in a cave somewhere hiding from Nazis, but I wanted to clear the air to a degree and set all of that aside so that we can deal with it when you’re safe and at a point where you want to do so. 

I love you, and I will _always_ back you up. Once I have another remote-activated suit online I’ll send it your way, maybe station it somewhere central where you can call it up in a pinch.

Be careful. I miss you, too.

T

PS. Moose is licking my toes as I write to you - he misses you, too.


	588. Up in flames

T--

1) I love you, too. 

2) Seeing the suit and hearing your voice made it feel like you were there, even if it was only for a minute. How long do you think it would take to get a second one down here? 

3) You'll be happy to know Barton is being insufferable about the gold. He's also egging me on to design my own new costume-- I've enclosed some sketches. Just thought you'd like to see. It's good to have him here; he and Ray get on like wildfire. Don't worry about not telling me-- Natasha's kept me up to date on everything. I know you needed the space.

4) Re: Ray. I know you don't like her. I called things off with her last night after I talked to Stone. Part of calling things off was to keep her out of his crosshairs; part of it was that I was using her as a distraction. And even though she knew that's what it was, and didn't object, it kept me from dealing with problems that needed to be dealt with. And I put you in a position where you had to depend on someone you didn't feel comfortable trusting, and I'm sorry for that. 

5) I'm glad to hear privatization is happening. This is probably a good time to talk to you about something.

Pepper offered to house me in Philly when I get back and I'm strongly considering it-- she's willing to give me a break on rent if I do yardwork/upkeep/housekeeping/cooking/errands. The business school has a program in social impact & responsibility that I think might be worth looking into, and they have an art history program as well as an international relations program. I know those are two very different courses of study, and I'll have to find out if the school is willing to accept my old credits, but even if they don't, I could just go for a summer semester and try to decide which of those courses of study might make sense for the long term. I can probably get a job on campus to defray the rest of my costs, but since Pepper would be covering room and board, it should be all right.

6) That does not in any way reflect on my feelings for you. If anything, I've been thinking more seriously about doing the things you've been asking me to do for myself. I want to be on the team. If there's a way we can make both work, I'll do it. Philadelphia is only an hour and a half on Amtrak. 

7) Thank you for apologizing. You don't need to. It is what it is. But people can't be defined by other people. As much as I can't be defined by Captain America, I can't be defined by you, either, and it isn't our responsibility to make other people happy. You can't make people happy. There isn't a button you can push, a set of instructions, some magic fix that will make the machinery start working again. You can share their happiness, you can be there for them when they're unhappy, but sometimes people are going to be unhappy, or need something different from what you can give. And that's not actually a horrible thing. It's life. And trying to work with each other's problems is maybe going to be the hardest thing we have to do. 

8) You made a mistake. The way I see it, you made a mistake because you trusted somebody you cared about, and maybe it was a damn big mistake, but there's worse reasons to screw up. Better misjudge someone's character for the better than act out of malice toward somebody undeserving. 

9) We're on the move again. We took out six more HYDRA agents when we made landfall. We went back to the car, but it's been burned out, and someone hung Captain Ameridoll from a tree and filled him with explosives-- Barton cut him down with an arrow before we got close and the tree went up in flames. I'm sending reports directly to SHIELD, resignation or not. 

10) I love you.

Steve

PS Say hello to Moose. Give him some people food for me. 


	589. your sordid, rigid world

S – 

I know you’re trying to tempt me into your sordid, rigid world of numbered lists, but I refuse to be drawn in. Behold, a lack of listing.

There actually isn’t a second suit with remote functionality – I have the boys fabricating in the lab, but we’ve never peaked a 41 hour production time, on the hard body– I’d say I could have it done in 72 hours tops, plus tweaking and transit time. Five days.

Is there any reason we shouldn’t just extract you ASAP? I’ll need approval for entering Peruvian airspace but we can send a jet and pull you the fuck out of there. I’d rather do that than take the time to fabricate a secondary suit while you’re on the run with a priceless mind-controlling artifact on your hands. Hydra may be tracking flight plans, so I'll put it through a dummy corporation and see what happens.

I don't know what to tell you about Ray. I don’t like her, I don’t trust her, and it frustrates me that she’s that close to you when her motives are unclear and your strength is compromised - which I'm only telling you to make sure you don't get your hopes up about us having any type of relationship beyond what we managed on the lake. You have your own moral considerations when it comes to forgiving and forgetting because that's the kind of person you are, but I can't give someone a pass for working with Nazis to break into my homes and assault my friends, even if she had a reason. I'll speak to Jarvis on it, since it's really his decision, but you should realize I wasn't kidding when I told her I intend to prosecute. 

That leads me to my next point - I know that your strengths are compromised and I know you’ve been lying to us about it. I’d suspected for a time that the items you were requesting might not be for Ray, but I watched you during the Titicaca fight. You were slow – your count was off, your lung capacity reduced. All the sugar intake in the world isn’t going to compensate for a lack of super soldier serum. If I’m going to be running your backup I want to know every detail of your health.

I love you. I think college sounds like a great idea, and I honestly couldn’t be happier that you and Pepper are on speaking terms again. You know how I feel about her; she and Rhodey are the closest I have to family outside Jarvis and I desperately wanted you two to stay cordial... roomies is a hell of a lot better than cordial. Philly is a great city, and it really isn’t that far – Pepper’s been coming back and forth on the train since you were in Cusco. 

If school is what you want to do next the team will do what we need to make it work – it may actually be a strong step for privatization, if Nat and I go with the current fifty states expansion model we’ve been considering. We'll talk more on that if you do decide to go.

Things here are otherwise good. Bobbi is settling in well – she held a ridiculous meeting in which she grilled us all about our long “breakfast meeting” (her excuse for why the team was holed up in the mansion labs during the Titicaca run) and fished for information on you using food-related allegories – I could suddenly see the entire punny foundation of her relationship with Clint laid bare. Rhodey is in town, too – I had dinner with him and Carol. (Have you met Carol? You are two peas in a pod, when you get back I’ll have to introduce you.)

Thor’s cat is so huge I think she’s about to explode. He’s still in Egypt – he’d better get home quick or we’re going to be listening to him lament about missing the birth for years to come.

T

PS The costume designs are pretty much amazing - I wonder if I could work my gold alloy-cloth through alpaca wool?

PPS I gave Moose a sausage on your behalf - happiest dog ever.


	590. Embroidering handkerchiefs

T,

1) Only you would find numbered lists sordid. If you want a truly sordid list, perhaps that can be arranged.

2) Right now? Since we took the Crown, HYDRA's been actively hunting us. We've kept on the move; we've dumped everything but the necessities, and that includes most of the gold clothing-- too flashy, too noticeable. We're wearing the kevlar weave under our civvies, which has been good at night, but it's sweltering during the daytime. If you can get Ray more diamonds and Barton more arrows, we're most likely going to need them. We've been seeing Roxxon vehicles almost everywhere we go. Most of them have kept their distance, but someone shot off a hank of Ray's hair this morning. Barton went into town alone because we ran out of sunscreen-- he's got the best Spanish and no one recognizes him, but I hate leaving him without backup. We're waiting for word that SHIELD has a team on the ground, and trying to decide whether we should go after the Controller. No doubt it's with Madame Hydra. Like my shield, there's no guarantee it-- or she-- is in the country. 

3) I can't think of a damn good reason not to come home, or at least regroup and look at our options. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling now. My thinking's been muddled. I want to tell you to forget your work, to come here, to just be nearby, even though I know that would defeat the purpose of everything we've done till now, and isn't what I should be asking. Let's talk about transportation. 

4) I don't expect you to be friends with Ray. I know she did a lot wrong. I also think she deserves a chance, because she's done a lot right, too. We're not going to agree on this. I won't ask you to change your mind. I _will_ talk to Ray about it. She's going to have to face the consequences of her actions. 

5) I haven't met Carol. I've only heard stories, and if I recall, at lest three of them end with you getting smacked. I'd like that.

6) Tell Bobbi I said hello. I got out of the ice just around the time she and Barton were limping through the last days of their marriage. She was my first friend here.

7) I kept my health problems to myself because I didn't want you to worry. I'm sorry. I estimate I'm operating at about 80% of my usual capacity. My speed and reflexes are down. I haven't experienced full-blown asthma, but I've been wheezing occasionally. Ray thought I was running a fever a week or so ago. My healing factor is down significantly. I've been getting blisters, sunburns, headaches, dizziness,and motion sickness. That's a full report.

8) I miss you. I miss you when I wake up, I miss you when I go to bed. I miss your incredible dancing and your terrible singing. I miss watching your fierce concentration when you crack an egg properly, I miss the way you waggle your eyebrows at yourself when you shave. I miss your stylish silk Iron Man boxer briefs on every surface of the house. I miss your scrawled equations on every surface of the house, including surfaces that can't be scrubbed clean. Hell, I miss the house. I miss Moose. I miss DUM-E. I miss Natasha and Banner and Thor and his awful cat, and Darcy staring at my chest like I'm a sideshow attraction at the circus, and Jane being absolutely unaware of what's going on around her because she's too busy looking at the stars. I miss Becky steamrolling everyone into forced fun. I miss status meetings and mission briefings. I miss awful tabloid articles. I miss Ben & Jerry's and the taste of whiskey and chlorophyll on your lips. I miss the scents of your sweat and aftershave mingling with machine oil and metallic dust at the nape of your neck; I miss the calluses on your fingers and the low growl at the back of your throat, the feel of your beard against my cheek. 

9) And I miss Peggy, still too keenly. I miss my hopes for the future, so much I still haven't found a way to replace them with new ones. I miss the home and family I thought I'd have. I miss Bucky, I miss talking about life after the war, about opening a business together, maybe, or going out West. I miss our tiny cramped Brooklyn apartment that was never warm enough in the winter and always too hot in the summer, begging leftovers off food carts every night because we couldn't afford to turn on the stove. I miss the orphanage, the feeling of never really being alone, even when you were, that living with the team was starting, finally, to replace. I miss my mother, and her perfectly bleached, pressed handkerchiefs that I will always remember because the first time I had a guess something was wrong was when they suddenly weren't perfect anymore, suddenly had little brown spots in the corner, before she suddenly started embroidering little flowers on them.

10) Maybe this is too much, maybe I shouldn't send this, but it's written, and I guess that means it's what I want to say. I just don't want to stop talking to you, Tony, and I think, what if something happens between now and the next time I get to write? I have to get everything in, because it might be my chance to say everything. And I want to try to make it better, even when I just told you not one letter ago that you can't fix people, can't make people happy, I don't know.

You weren't the only one with problems. We shouldn't have tried to use each other to chase them away. It's sort of like my mother embroidering handkerchiefs.

Love,

S


	591. (not to be dramatic)

Steve -

No matter how unwise, or misguided, or poorly timed our attempt at being together may have been, nothing you can say or do (or may need to say or do) will change how much I ~~love~~ ~~admire~~ ~~respect~~ love you. It may sound stupid, but I really do think I finally understand what you're saying. I even agree. I wish I didn't -- in some ways I wish I could stay angry with you, instead of accepting the niggling truth in your words.

My flight plans lodged with Peru on behalf of SI were uniformly rejected. I'm starting to suspect ROXXON had a hand in that - payment in the right places would certainly guarantee surveillance when it comes to air entries and exits. There are only 6 paved runways in Bolivia that can take a jet of the size I have on hand, but all six have rejected the SI plans as well. Two allowed my dummy corporation's flight plans, as did a handful of airports in Chile. Can you get that far? I know Bolivia would only require a boat trip, but I'm afraid Hydra may be using Roxxon's political pull to bottleneck us into one or two airports - after all, the facility itself was in Bolivia. I think it might be safer to go overland to one of the Chilean exit points and try flying from there.

You need to know this: Rachel e-mailed me about you. She told me about some of your symptoms, and she told me you were exhibiting color blindness as well. Something about you getting the color of a hideous poncho and/or pink panties (sorry) incorrect. I don't know why she didn't tell you herself, but you should realize that's a potential weak spot too.

Steve, I want you to know that if all this shakes out and you realize I'm no good for you, or the initiative is no good for you, I want to at least be the kind of friend you need me to be. I miss you in new and creative ways every day... most of all I miss having you somewhere in the house, somewhere I can wander in and put my head on your shoulder and pitch an idea or joke and feel you shake against me. I miss just breathing in the smell of you. I miss sitting and drinking Clint's shitty beer and throwing popcorn at the TV screen. The mansion feels soul-crushingly lonely (not to be dramatic) sometimes, it feels like you should be here and you're not, and it's fucking ridiculous how difficult that is to deal with.

Finish what you need to finish, do what you need to do. I'll be here waiting.

Love,  
Tony

PS I made Philly cheese steaks in your honor, but cruelly refused Moose a sampling. I told him he'd have to wait until he gets to Philadelphia with his old man... Pepper does have a yard for dogs, right?


	592. This isn't my pep-talk

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 15° 55′ 26″ S, 69° 45′ 08″ W, UNNAMED, PUNO, PERU]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[rummaging, papers rifling]

[scratching sounds] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [footsteps crunching]

Hey Steve, do you ha--- are you …. 

What’s up?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nothing, just...trying to clear my head. Listen. I haven’t really said it, but thanks for the backup. I really appreciate it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It was no big deal. [footsteps]

I know I’m not your preferred compadre, but it was the least I could do all things considered.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I feel like I owe you a beer. I’m sorry we don’t have any...ah. I could ask Tony to drop some, but he’ll probably get snobby about that swill you like.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [snort] I see he has you firmly in his camp when in comes to Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mostly drink it for the expressions he makes - I’m hoping his face will freeze that way.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not in _his_ camp. The only beers I like are root, birch, and butter.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Spoken like a true Gryffindor!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m going to have to read those eventually, aren’t I? Becky kept insisting I was a Hufflepuff.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No freakin’ way. She’s gotta be high or something - you’ve got a Saving People Thing. That’s why you’re _here_.

They’re pretty good books. The movies get better as they go on.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I’m not really saving anybody...I…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [footsteps]

[rustling, crunching]

Alright. Hang on. Lemme get settled.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Settled? Am I drawing you now, too?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** “Too?”

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. I’ve been drawing Ray. Something about some movie she liked when she was a kid.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** ……..

You’re…

That’s...a lot of Rachel. You realize she’s a real piece of work, yeah? I mean, this is just -- friends, or a crush, or… I can’t really keep up with your love-life, man.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s all right. I...you can’t keep up with my love-life? Considering from what I hear, you’ve been following my lead...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Rub it in.

I’m not knocking your taste. But you’re sitting here in the dark mooning and drawing, I assumed it was a Stark-thing or a Nazi-smiting-self-esteem thing, or something. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’d hope you wouldn’t knock my taste, considering our tastes are apparently identical. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Taste, or lack thereof?

[shuffling]

Well, you’re obviously more than okay, so...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re just friends. Rachel and I, I mean. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** A’right.

Just, you know, if you ever need me to like, vanish into the woods and pick berries for half an hour or something to give you two a little privacy… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Thanks, that’s extremely generous of you, but that’s over. We have other things to focus on right now. Look, we should talk about whether we want to get this damn controller or not, or whether it’s worth trying to track my shield. Tony’s trying to arrange a way out of here. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You haven’t seen the shield at all, huh? I figured they’d be rubbing it in your face at every available opportunity - they always did that in the old comics.  
 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, my life is so much like a comic book. Not since that, uh, unfortunate run-in in the Bronx. Ray says she thinks it’s here, she overheard something, she says, but we’ve got no evidence. I think actual, non-comics villains recognize the actual value in the vibranium. 

My thinking is that if I want it back, we’re going to have to find a way to track vibranium.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** We’re kind of under equipped for that kind of thing. 

Stark might have something in his arsenal. Did you ask him?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not yet. I was just puzzling it out...since the element vibrates constantly, I’m sure Tony can build something to seek it out, too. I just...I have to be careful about asking him for things. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’d do it for you, if that’s what you’re worried about. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know he will. But it’s asking a lot of him. I don’t...I’m trying to be cautious about putting additional strain on him. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** He’s kind of swamped at the moment, but I know he’d rather you ask than bang away at it without his help. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

 

Doesn’t mean he should drop everything for me, every time. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m not gonna pretend like I understand what you two have going on, but it’s pretty apparent that you’re both miserable with how things stand at present. 

I suspect he’d welcome the opportunity to do something for you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’ve been talking. It’s been...it’s been better, actually. But you’ve seen it-- he’ll do anything I ask him to do. That’s why I have to be careful what I ask for. 

[silence] 

I don’t even know what happened, to be honest. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

I know how that feels. One minute everything’s rosy - well, maybe not 100%, but solid. The next it’s like….bam.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Becky?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. What, was that obvious?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, you were extremely opaque and it took incredible powers of deduction. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I love it when you get all snarky. It’s a good look on you.

Man, I’m the worst.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hardly. I’m the one sitting out in the middle of nowhere drawing. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** In the dark.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have excellent vision, even if it’s apparently compromised. You want to talk about it? We’re not going anywhere just now. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Not ...really. No.

I heard about the color blindness. Call me if they ask you to snip the blue wire or something.

[shifting]

I -- actually came out to. Well, I wanted to apologize for ...you know, Tony. Me and Tony. It was a supremely stupid move considering how important he is to you, and the team, and everything. 

It hurt Becky, too.

[silence]

I was sort of hoping to save your life a few more times in order to soften you up a little pre-apology, but then you were out here drawing alone in the dark and I figured I’d just go for it. Sorry.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. I-- I’m not upset with you. You know that, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah?

I mean -- it’d be okay if you were. 

Then again, I don’t really have enough friends to go around losing them over drunken bar shenanigans, so...that’s good.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [scratching] 

Tony does those sorts of things when he’s upset. He turns into a sort of...I don’t know, a funnel cloud or a black hole or something, and you get pulled in. It’s the same thing he did in Japan; it’s just...more uncomfortable because this time he did it with people he actually knows. But that’s his problem to sort out. At least you actually _were_ broken up, right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** We were. But he’s still her boss, and, uh. They were out drinking and she called me to make sure he got home safe.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So you made a shit decision. Is she still angry? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** There was a little groveling, but we’re still talking. It’s a little more complicated than just that.

I just - she’s the most important thing in my life at present and I fucked up our not-relationship over _Tony Fucking Stark?_ Lame. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, you know I think he’s worth it. I don’t know about as a one-night stand, but, all things considered...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Did he tell you he ended up with a black eye? I might actually be the worst DD ever.

[groan]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Yes, he told me all about his traumatic sex injury. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …..really? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Congratulations; you’ve joined the elite club of people who’ve given Tony Stark a black eye. I think I’m the only person on the-- well. Who was on the team who hasn’t. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Thor hasn’t. Has he? 

Shit, you know that now that you’ve mentioned that you’re totally doomed to hit Tony in the face, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** By accident or on purpose? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** On accident, Rogers! Or - maybe not? You two do have a lot, of you know, tension. [snort]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I won’t say I haven’t felt the urge to. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You and the rest of the fucking country, dude.

Honestly, I think that’s half the reason Becky was pissed. He was supposed to do press the next morning. She told me it was bullshit because their skin tones don’t match and he can’t use her concealer - like Tony Stark doesn’t own his own concealer, give me a break.

[sigh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] He has summer concealer AND winter concealer. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _What?_ You have got to be shitting me, that is comedy _gold_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And this...stuff. For “undereye circles.” 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh my god, why. Whyyyyyyyy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know! He says he has them. I can’t see them. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Can I blame Pepper? That seems fair. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can blame his propensity for getting into lab-or-sex-accidents?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sometimes lab-and-sex accidents. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** God, yeah, you -- well, honestly, the only time I’ve seen Bruce bitch about someone was after a certain Pepper incident that apparently toppled a few petri dishes when they were sharing space…

Can I just say - I know Ty is all up in Tony’s shit, but he doesn’t stand a chance next to you, if you, you know. Were still into that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Yeah. I know. 

I feel like from now on, any time I do anything wrong, I can just close my eyes and repeat, ‘at least I didn’t sleep with Tiberius Stone.’ 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [groans] God. Me too. 

He gave me his number - can you believe that? He’s such a fucking sleazebag. You should meet the guy -- or no, really, you shouldn’t. Seriously creepy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I did. And he called me and told me to stop speaking to Stark. Well. He hacked Tony’s line to tell me to stop speaking to Stark. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sounds about right. He’s gotta be threatened by you -- just look at you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I take it you’re not going to call? Whyever not? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Are you kidding? I’d rather stick my dick in a beartrap; waaaaaaaay safer.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think we have a couple of those back in the car if you’re interested. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Why the fuck did Stark drop you beartraps? There are no bears in Peru. Jesus.

Wait, are there bears in Peru?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You sound surprised. Didn’t you do your research? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Pretty sure that’s Nat’s job, she got loads of research done while Fury had her benchwarming this month.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We don’t actually have beartraps. Or bears. My apologies.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Sigh. Good thing I’m rapidly growing accustomed to disappointment.

[silence]

Yeah. The Becky thing is a … thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A _thing_ is a thing? You’re going to have to be a little more explicit, Barton. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It’s a thing that’s eating me up, that I can’t stop thinking about. That explicit enough?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes. 

[sigh] 

I’m sorry. If I hadn’t been an idiot about that ransom note...that wouldn’t have happened. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _What?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I made a decision that had major repercussions on the rest of the team. And. Uh. Former team members, I suppose. That shouldn’t have happened the way it did. You and Becky shouldn’t have been in the crossfire.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Yes?

What? What’s that look for? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You don’t realize how fucking ridiculous that sounds?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How what sounds? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yoooooou pretty much just blamed yourself for the end of a relationship that happened three thousand miles away and had nothing to do with you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I thought Becky was upset about being put in danger? Was that not what happened?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Not at all. If she was pissed about that that she never would have dated either of us. She’s not a _moron_ , Rogers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What-- what was the problem, then? I-- I hate to sound like Tony, but there must be...sorry. I don’t even know if you want to fix it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It’s not something that can be fixed. It’s… what I do puts me in danger, puts… 

I thought about quitting. You know. Retiring.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Oh. That’s…

[silence] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, I really did. Then when you were down for the count and Nat was so unhappy there came this moment when I had to pick between her and my responsibility to the team, and I couldn’t pick her. As long as I work, I can’t ever put her first. That doesn’t seem…

I don’t know. I’m almost forty. Eventually they put old agents out to pasture; or they would, if I still worked for SHIELD. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There was a moment...back...in December, when I was talking to Pepper, and she made me realize the same thing would be true for me. It’s one of the reasons I-- 

Thought maybe there was a chance, you know. With someone for whom that wouldn’t be a problem. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, that didn’t work out so well for me, either.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You could...if you’re working for Tony, can’t he give you something else? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Like what? An office job? Stick me down in graphic design? You couldn’t hack SI for a month, I doubt I’d last a week. 

I love what I do. Which is fucked up, because of what it is - you know, murdering people, basically. The act of executing that perfect shot is exhilarating, whether you’re shoot apples or chest cavities. 

It’s hard to imagine going day in and day out without that rush. And that makes me think maybe I’m not the guy she needs to be with at all.

[silence]

And there’s the whole New York thing. I did so much damage, it seems like… quitting feels like giving up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Actively choosing something else isn’t giving up. You know we all want you there, whatever your reasons for dropping off the roster. I feel like I should...I don’t know, have some kind of advice for you? I know she liked you. But that sounds...sort of wishy-washy. What does she think about it? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** She understands the circumstances. It was a mutual thing.

I’m not really looking for advice, I guess. Just a little commiseration, seeing as neither of us is with the person we want to be with.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it’s been...since the lake. I think it might… but I don’t know what happens when I get back. I hated leaving him with he was angry; I knew he’d be upset. But I left, and things were one way, and I’m going back to something completely different, and I’m not sure what it’s going to be like to see him again. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Probably horrible. Every time I see Becky I feel like I’ve been punched in the teeth.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you don’t like being punched in the teeth? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** As a general rule, no. Not even in tragic sex accidents.

I guess I kind of… I mean, seriously. I have no right to be on the team. I was compromised, my marriage imploded, I was hauled off active duty and only brought back because Nat has a weak spot big enough to drive a truck through when it comes to me--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** As far as weak spots go, she’s a pretty good judge of character. She doesn’t have many of those.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Thanks, I think?

I just. I got a lot of people killed. And I really wanted to fix that, but it’s not something you can fix, right? So I thought, I’ll be an Avenger and save people instead. But even that feels like a cop-out, because it’s letting what Loki did to me continue to control me. But quitting altogether is…

Man.

We really don’t have any beer?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry. We have, uh, Inca Kola? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don’t see how you can drink that stuff. You can feel your teeth dissolving as it goes down.

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Apparently it’s keeping my serum levels balanced. _Somehow_. Tony thinks it’s all the sugar. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [gagging sound]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] 

Stop worrying about what things look like. What the hell do you want? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Does “to do the right thing” sound idiotic?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not to me. You know that’s more or less all I ever try to do.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

I don’t know. Right now I think this is what I want. It’s just a shit decision to have to make, and sometimes I like to whine about it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t think it’s whining, exactly. It is a shit decision, and there’s…

[breath]

There’s something wrong with a world where the people who try to do the most good have to make the worst decisions. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah.

It’s a universal constant, though.

Do you miss it?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Miss what? I’ve got a long list. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Being Captain America. Not -- the stupid title or anything, but … you know, you walked away and yet here you are, combing the South American jungle-slash-mountains for your shield. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The shield got taken. On my watch. It’s my responsibility to get it back. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’s it, huh? Just cleaning up your mess?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Barton. Clint. I _killed_ myself to make sure these people couldn’t come back. I gave my life for this, and it didn’t do anything. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

You did the best you could with what you had. That’s not … don’t use the consequences to invalidate the choice. You saved half a dozen American cities.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There were parachutes on that plane. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** There -- …. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I probably could have survived a fall, anyway; I just wasn’t thinking about that. I didn’t know. The point is, I shouldn’t have done that. I left unfinished business behind. And, you know, if you think you’re about to die, and then for some reason you don’t, and you have another chance to do things right, you sort of have to take it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** ….

Yeah. That’s why I left Becky instead of the job. You -- 

[silence]

Look, I’m not - exactly a god-fearing kind of guy, but … you have to think that a pretty fucking incredible string of events, however unlikely, landed you here. Maybe you’re where you need to be, you just haven’t realized it yet.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know there has to be a reason I’m here. Or if not a reason, well. I can’t squander this. That’s why I’m in the middle of the South American jungle when I could be, I don’t know. Finishing art school. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Well, you don’t know. Maybe you were destined to ace every art school final project ever.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If I were, somebody would have injected me with oil-painting serum. 

[silence] 

I didn’t set out to be exceptional. I thought there would be more people like me. But there aren’t, and that changes what I am. I can’t just accept a gift and leave it stuffed in the closet. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You make it sound like there aren’t options, but it’s not an either-or scenario for you, Cap. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s Steve. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Steve, then. Though that feels weird. Rogers? Steve. Rogers. Hm.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just not Cap. It feels like an either-or. Because every time it comes down to doing something that needs to be done, it means leaving behind something I want. But I wouldn’t...I couldn’t live with myself if I chose the other way. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You didn’t have to leave anything - or, uh, one - behind this time. Any of us would have come with you, you’re part of our team, and… yeah, I like to feel like our team supercedes organizational bullshit like SHIELD or US Defense Forces. 

And before you correct me, yes, I know you quit, but so did I. Bruce has quit like…. six times?

It’s like the fucking Hotel California.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, considering that that song is technically about Hollywood, it doesn’t actually feel too far off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, no kidding.

All I’m saying is, no matter where you’re going, you have the team. No matter what happens with Stark. We -- and I am totally qualified to state this on behalf of everyone -- know you’ve lost a lot of people and we’re not gonna add ourselves to that list, so… don’t go thinking you don’t have backup, or have to do this shit alone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint? I know. I know every single one of you would be here if I asked-- and I-- I tried to send Rachel home, and she actually threatened me. But the last time I asked anybody along on a guerilla raid against HYDRA, I got my best friend killed. I know you’re prepared for the risk. I don’t think I am. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence, breath]

Not to be a dick, here, but I gotta shoot straight with you. James Barnes was a soldier. If you make yourself responsible for his sacrifice it makes it about you and not about what he willingly gave. He was proud to do what he did, let him… have done it, or whatever.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

Yeah, someone else told me that, once, too. Maybe I’m being a self-centered ass, then, but I’m the one who has to live without him being here, and personally, I’ve had enough of that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Then quit dressing your decisions up as self-sacrificing. If you’re here because you’re afraid to let the rest of us do it then you’re here for _you_ , not for us. Which is, you know, fine or whatever, so long as you own it and fucking run with it.

[silence]

I know how you feel. And sometimes it takes someone pointing out what an inveterate ass you’re being about something to make you put it in perspective and start moving forward.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, good. Do you have a list? Because I’m sure I’m being an ass in more ways than just the one. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** For fuck’s sake, Steve. Don’t do that.

Phil Coulson was a friend - a close friend, maybe my closest, if you take Nat out of the mix. His death was a direct result of my actions. Even so, as he bled out against that wall he picked up his fucking gun and fired.

He was a casualty, not a victim. And what happened to him isn’t about me.

[rustling, footsteps crunching]

You’re making it hard to have a solid bro-ment here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Clint. I didn’t mean to-- I actually...sort of meant it? Tony wanted me to go to a doctor, and I…kept putting it off. But I know you actually have. Sorry if that was out of line. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Well. It fucking… you don’t realize how deep in the shit you are, because the slide happens little by little. And suddenly the plane’s going down and you’re not reaching for the parachute.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There were a couple months where I thought, well. Maybe this was hell, you know? Maybe this was my punishment for killing myself. 

[silence]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Living with Tony _can_ be pretty hellish.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ha. No, it was before that. Before they, you know, re-integrated me, or whatever you want to call it. 

I think I asked your wife if we were dead.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** If we were still married, she probably said yes.

[sigh, silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She never said anything bad about you.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Believe it or not, that doesn’t make me feel much better. It’d be easier if I could loathe her, but you know. I still think she’s hot shit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She taught me how to make french toast.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

She did make tasty french toast.

..

Whatever, fuck off. This isn’t my pep-talk. Bobbi and I are old news.

Sounds to _me_ like you need to stop letting your situation control you and start controlling your situation.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s part of why I came down here. I’m trying to figure out how to do that. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [sigh]

You and Stark are peas in a fucking pod sometimes, you know that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

How so?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’re both stubborn shits with a martyr complex, who act like shit is out of your control when you’ve got zero excuses. But also - you know. Tough as nails. Solid friends, that kind of bullshit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Thanks? I think. 

Is this-- am I getting on your nerves?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** No, it’s… it’s cool. Haven’t I always told you when you were getting on my nerves? [snort]

I know you’re trying. I think this whole shebang’ll be good in the long run or I would have told Stark to stuff it when he asked me to fly down. You just worry me, sometimes. Also, you know. Feelings aren’t really my forte. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You say that, but I think you’re better at them than...well. I was going to say most people, but I don’t know that many people. Most people I know. Certainly me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laughter]

You know, if Coulson were around to hear that he’d probably faint. Or figure I was an alien imposter and lock me in an armbar while he called Fury. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t express things in terms of emotions. Doesn’t mean you don’t understand them.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. Well. Feelings are a pretty new development in Bartonland so I’m still getting used to it. 

Hey, can you do me a favor?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** As long as it’s, well. Something I can do? What is it? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Would you - uh. Maybe draw me something? Like… Becs, maybe? Your Rachel ones are good.

Though maybe you could do Becks with a shirt on.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...actually have a couple of her with her shirt off at home. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** My birthday’s in June. Just sayin’.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You can have the--er. I was going to tell you you could have the sketchbook, but that’s a little...if you’re broken up. I can draw her for you now, though. I’ve done her from memory before. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I do her from memory every night.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ahem.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _SORRY._ Sorry! I couldn’t not.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] So if you’re telling me to take control of my situation, I can tell you to work your shit out, Barton. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, I know. It’s top of my list. 

Save the sketchbook, anyway, anything could happen between now and June.

Here, if you need inspiration, take my Starkphone... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Photos? Aw, cute--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** There’s a couple in there. Just - uh, don’t go back past like, March 20th. Some of those are for. Personal use.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Understood. I’ll do what I can, all right? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** What else can you do?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Attempt the impossible? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** So long as you bring a parachute.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t need a ‘chute. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Get some sleep. I’m up next for the watch

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] I'll walk back with you. Tony thinks we’re going to need to get to Chile if we want to get out of here; we’re going to need a plan.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Thank god plans are what you do best, yeah?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] That’s what the jingle says, anyway.

{{Saving…}}


	593. Schedule in time for loneliness

Tony,

Look, I can sympathize. It's hard to tell how you feel when you're always angry at someone for running away and trying to kill themselves and not letting you help. Not that I'd know from experience, or anything, but I seem to remember some jackass getting his face in the news and crashing half the internet when his house got attacked on national television a year or so ago.

It's maddening to think back on that year, my first year out, and how furious I was with you, and feel like, in hindsight, I _should have known_. 

I understand the lonely bit. Maybe we can be lonely together. On the phone, on chat, by mail. I'll even schedule in time for loneliness with Becky so it can go on your calendar (assuming she decides to keep working for you). 

The eyesight'll be fine. I didn't even notice it, I guess because I'm around things with unfamiliar colors. Just add it to the list of ailments to fix, right? I'll be home soon enough; you can do a full workup.

I talked to Barton and Ray, and they're both agreeable to leave while we're ahead of the game. We've got the Crown, and that's the most important part of the equation, so let's do it. We'll scrounge up transportation somewhere and get down south. We're just going to get a couple hours' sleep and get moving before the sun is up.

You think I should do this Philly thing, then? The more I think about it, the better I think it might be. 

I guess that's my permission to take Moose; I hadn't quite even thought it would be right to ask, but I'll bring him up to see you on weekends when you're home. Tell him I'm sorry I left him. He's my responsibility, and I left him. 

And this conversation is circling back to where we were in December, with you saying you want badly to be my friend, and this time, I'm not going to misunderstand it. I don't want to resign myself to the belief that this can't work, that it should be over. I want to make the decision we should have made in December, that I'm not going to crumple and kiss you like I so badly want to, but that we're going to work from opposite ends on our own and see where we fall and maybe when we're close to the center, it will be near enough. 

And I think Philly's the right choice for that. I'll be close enough that we won't be completely removed from each other, but far enough away that I'll be making my own decisions for myself out of necessity. That's what I need, more than anything, time to figure out who I want to be. I have to do that before we can figure out who we are, together. 

But I also need to ask you what you need from me, instead of just taking what you offer me. What do you need? What do you want? And what are you able to give?

Steve


	594. Speculation of Foul Play, Industrial Sabotage

From: Morse, Barbara ([B.Morse@shield.gov](%20))  
To: Rhodes, James ([WarMachine@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)); Danvers, Carol ([C.Danvers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)); Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Details, Anyone?

Clint, sorry to loop you into this; I know you're technically no longer with the division, but I trust you to give me straight answers more than almost anyone else around here. 

I got the surveillance footage from Natasha; we definitely have HYDRA cells active in the area, and I've sent all the documentation to Fury; we'll be sending a team down as soon as WSC clears it; there's no way they can sit on their hands in the face of all this evidence. There's a real probability with the industrial waste that I'll be getting shuffled off again to do some analysis. 

Is Steve okay? These serum numbers concern me. Since I'm sure Stark's not sharing data with any of you, Steve's serum isn't binding to his tissue unless his blood sugar level is through the roof. I'm starting to suspect that the extreme amount of blood loss he suffered means he'd require another Vita-Ray treatment for the serum to have the expected effect long-term. 

If any of you can tell me what the hell Stark is up to down there, and how far we're going to need to cover our asses, I'd appreciate it. And for God's sake, can someone please explain what Thor is doing? I finally got an update from him this morning and he's talking about the life-sustaining power of the eye of Horus.

\--Bobbi

 

Explosion At Roxxon Plant Fuels Speculation of Foul Play, Industrial Sabotage

An explosion Friday morning at Roxxon's newest Bolivia facility has led to a whirlwind of speculation surrounding the company's recent South American endeavors. 

Nearly forty employees were killed when what was claimed to be a waste treatment facility blew sky high without warning, just at the start of the work day. 

After a battle with Stark Industries that led to accusations of corporate terrorism over a breakin at Stark Tower that threatened the life of genius-billionaire-playboy-elevator connoisseur Tony Stark on New Year's Eve, Roxxon and SI have been going head to head to determine the future of global energy. News that Stark Industries will be partnering with Viastone, the nation's largest media conglomerate, to build the world's first nationwide clean energy grid, using proprietary Stark Industries technology. 

Roxxon has been left in the dust and is racing to catch up. President and CEO Hugh Jones has leveled numerous accusations at Stark, concerning the safety and transparency of ARC technology central to Stark Industries' latest initiative. 

And now, rumors from locals have been spurring new speculation, as several workers at a nearby mining facility claim to have seen a small, airborne object that they purport may have been the Iron Man suit. 

The pilot of the Iron Man armor, Tony Stark himself, however, was seen in New York City that night with his assistant, Rebecca Quan, at a charity event for the Sloane-Kettering Memorial Cancer Center's Children's Wing. We caught up with Mr. Stark to ask him about these rumors.

"Please," said Stark, "Roxxon wouldn't be the first private company to put together an Iron Man knockoff, but they would be the first who managed to blow up their own facilities in the attempt."

(We hesitate to remind Mr. Stark that he himself blew up his own California facilities while testing the first Iron Man armor in 2008) 

So could that be it? Is the oil titan close to building its own Iron Man armor? And what happens when Iron Man isn't the sole property of _the_ Iron Man? Should we be expecting a patent lawsuit in the near future?


	595. hocus-pocus fancy-pantsy hippie-dippie

From: Rhodes, James ([WarMachine@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)) To: Morse, Barbara ([B.Morse@shield.gov](%20))  
CC: Danvers, Carol ([C.Danvers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)); Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: RE: Details, Anyone?

Bobbi--

Roxxon's been a fucking pain in the ass for a year and a half now-- I don't need to tell you that they were deeply implicated in the Mandarin conspiracy, though no one could ever pin it on anyone at the company precisely. 

Look, Tony will kill me for ratting him out, and there's not that much to rat out anyway. I know about as much as you do, and I know Fury knows it, too-- Steve's in South America; Tony and Natalie, or whatever she's calling herself, ran a mission. They're looking for some mystical artifact. Thor's looking for the other half of it, which is why you're getting the hocus-pocus fancy-pantsy hippie-dippie messages from Thor. 

Off the record: I know Tony's worried about Captain Rogers. Rogers' health hasn't been good, and I think it's one of those deals where you worry more when someone who seems invincible starts having health problems. Reminds you of your own mortality, right? Plus, since I assume you've gathered by now, they've been on-again-off-again for months. It sounds, from Tony, like they're on again, and I can't tell how much it's affecting Tony's judgment. Somewhat, at least. He's never been good at drawing a line when it comes to people he cares about.

If you want my professional opinion, we need to get Rogers out of South America ASAP. The kid is not up to the stress of this mission when his health is tanking, and it's putting the rest of the team at risk. 

But we need to get enough to sink Roxxon. They're dangerous. We're talking about people who will stop at nothing to make a buck, and that includes the destruction of natural resources. They've got some top politicians in their pockets, though, so we need to tread carefully. 

\--Jim


	596. I'm looking at you, Jim.

From: Danvers, Carol ([C.Danvers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: Morse, Barbara ([B.Morse@shield.gov](%20))  
CC: Rhodes, James ([WarMachine@AvengersInitiative.org](%20)); Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: RE: Details, Anyone?

Morse-- 

Pardon Jim's language, but Roxxon is a bunch of flaming fuckwits. The Air Force had to deal with them exclusively as a fuel provider for a while, and it was a nightmare. Last I dealt with them, they were attempting to create artificial vibranium, and the process caused some serious industrial accidents. They bought up the tech from an up-and-coming solar power researcher a few years back and completely screwed him over-- you might remember that incident with the satellite crash in Florida a few years back? Yep. Roxxon. 

Anyway, look, if they need you down there, I'll be happy to take over paperwork here in New York for the time being (mostly because I know I can trade it in for favors later…I'm looking at you, Jim.) 

I am electing to stay out of any conversations dealing with the personal lives of coworkers.

\--C.D.


	597. Circle of clusterfuckery

From: Clinton Barton (Hawkeye@starkindustries.com)  
To: Morse, Barbara ([mimus.polyglottos@gmail.com ](%20))  
Subject: RE: Details, Anyone?

Hey there Mockingbird,

It's good to hear from you - sorry for hitting up the personal address, but, well. I left SHIELD to excise myself from this circle of clusterfuckery and sabotage - so please keep this off the record; I've really enjoyed ignoring Fury's emails. 

I don't know much about vita-rays, but Stark sent me off with a list of symptoms to watch for in Steve and I've hit most of them to some degree. In particular the breathing is an issue; he can't hold his breath as long as he could before, he coughs, wheezes, etc mostly due to the altitude..but it's pronounced and consistent. Stark sent me with a shitload of glucose drinks and the like and Steve's been guzzling them before action, but at present we are being pursued and he's burning through them quickly. Steve knows he's running at a reduced capacity but doesn't seem to care.

All I can say for stark's motivation is that Roxxon brought this fight to him; they're partnered with HYDRA and leveled several assaults on his homes. Steve is leading the charge down here, he was behind the explosion at the plant, though the signature scans of the building and complex tell us that every last one of those casualties was armed. As far as I know, all Stark has on the table for now is an extraction and a return to New York.

That said, HYDRA has also vetoed every one of Stark's projected flight plans except a handful under false names -- if he can't get in legally you can bet your ass he'll come in under his own steam. Could shake out badly.

If you make it down here make sure you try the alpaca saltado, it's tasty. Also, let me know where the WSC okays you for entry, I'll make sure we're far away.

clint.


	598. 88% replaced

Steve,

Hey, look at that - it’s loneliness o’clock, time for your daily Tony Stark letter of love! I was going to call, but you guys have been doing the whole traveling-under-cover-of-darkness thing and I don't want your phone to go off at an impromptu moment. I've been in the lab for the last sixteen hours and a board meeting in another two, so this will have to be quick. (The suit is chugging along, though. I'm having a hard time rebuilding the same model I sent Clint in without altering or replacing anything, but I keep reminding myself that time is of the essence.)

Not to change the subject, but I didn't have a chance to mention this before the whole Lake Titicaca shebang. Bruce came into my lab the other day and asked me to do him a favor – he wants me to fabricate a set of rings suitable for wearing by someone who does a lot of hand to hand combat, something flexible that won’t shatter if it strikes solid concrete (or human bone, or…) and will stretch if the knuckles swell to a massive superhuman size. 

He also asked me to be his best man when Natasha says yes.

(well, technically he said _if_ , but you and I both know this is only going to end one way…)

I recommended that he wait until you get back to go through with it. I can’t imagine Nat as a long-engagement kind of girl, and I know you’ll want to be home for that - he said he already meant to, but I'm stoked for him... it's nice to see that some of the team has their house in order.

Love,  
Tony

PS: Of course you’ll take Moose. He’s yours. Though honestly I don’t think he even misses you, DUM-E has filled your role as resident ball-thrower and treat-dispenser. He’s only managed to fire-extinguish Moose once so I consider you roughly 88% replaced.


	599. Genius-Billionaire-Playboy-Philanthropia

Steve,

Yesterday you asked me what I need, I’ve been, you know. thinking about it. constantly. I tried to put this in my last letter but I couldn't find the right words, so I kept chewing it.

I want to draw a line and kind of – commit to working our shit out before anything else. so … i feel like I need to talk to you about Ty, and I'd rather do that now when we're still at a space-having point. 

I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear this – It was painful for me when you started talking about Rachel, but as we go on I'm feeling ... not angry about it, but still jealous. I know I shouldn't, especially after how calm you've been regarding my (long, long list of) indiscretions. Still, I’ll understand if you don’t want to finish reading this. 

In the magical land of Genius-Billionaire-Playboy-Philanthropia, sex has always been – like drugs or jobs or anything else - a commodity to be exchanged. It’s just… you know, what you do. People offer sex because they want something, and I have been known to do the same in turn. When Ty turned up this spring I needed something, he wanted something, and it happened. That’s why, even when I thought you’d walked out on me, I slept with you. You needed something, I wanted something, and they seemed to intersect. I know you're not that kind of person that would have expected that of me. If I hadn't been out of my head, panicked about you nearly dying and completely wrecked over the idea of another relationship failing I would have actually put this supposedly genius brain to use and thought about you without the lens of my own self-involvement. 

And then there was Ty - I was lonely, he was there, and it fucked up everything between you and I. I wanted you to know the full story so that – well, so that if it changes your feelings about me, at least we know now and not later, right? Right.

I feel a little backwards telling you what I want after all the time I spent last year ineffectively attempting to sort out how to help you be happy, but I was surprised to realize I wasn't sure about the answer. What I know for certain is that I want you, obviously. Back in my life to some tangible extent. Lovers is naturally my preference, but I want to work with you regardless of how everything else shakes out - I want a privatized Initiative with outreach programs and enough teams to serve and protect the way we need to be able to in a world post-Chi'tauri and post-Mandarin. I also want the mansion to feel like a home again - I was thinking I might add another wing, or a second building, in case we bring more teammates on. I do have ten bedrooms, but you never know if that's going to be enough. Maybe I need to make another few floors of the tower residential?

I think in this case what I want and what I need might coincide - how often does that happen? Not often enough.

(I also want to take you to Hawaii. Still. Just so you know.)

What I can give you i - well. This would be easier if you were talking about things, because if you were talking about things my answer would be _everything_. But I know you're not, and so I guess the only thing I can really say is myself, if that's something you think you want-and-need. I've been seeing a therapist twice a week in California, trying to sort out how imbalanced my life has gotten, and it's kind of like... I don't know, I feel like I'm re-learning how to interact with other humans - she makes me stop and considering my actions, how they make other people feel, why I'm doing what I'm doing, I don't know. It's very touchy-feeling and she's very good at the gentle-guiding-hand shit. (Actually, she'd probably be annoyed that I spent a night without sleep and insist that I squeeze in a nap at least after our appointment.) so... I guess what I can give you is a not-so-new but slowly-improving version of the person you had a shot with six months ago. 

Mostly what I want - and I suppose what's on offer, though it'll take work on both our parts - is something like what Nat and Bruce have built, the way they fill up the same space and never take anything from each other that isn’t feely given. Whether we do that as friends or as more than friends – that’s what I want. To be with you but not worried about being with you, and to be better than we are when we're alone. That’s all.

Love,  
T


	600. What I can give you--

Tony,

All right. Negotiations, of a sort, I guess. What I can give you--


	601. Meow mix

From: Darcy Lewis Stark-Rogers ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Guys guys guys

It’s really freaking unfair that I’m the one stuck at home when the cat goes into birthing throes, or whatever the fuck you call it, she’s crawling around and yowling and licking her ass, and it pretty much makes me never want to have children. 

She won’t stay in your stupid castle-box-nest thing, Thor, so you’d better come home quick. Bust out that hammer, muscles.

Darcy


	602. cut the cord

From: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Darcy,

Bruce and I will be in later this evening if you are having trouble. 

Just give the cat space and position yourself a good distance away from her. She should not need assistance and the best thing you can do is to NOT bother her. 

The only time you should intervene is if she births the kittens and does not break the membrane protecting them or chew through the umbilical cord. She should do it herself, so wait and see, but if she doesn't, you may have to break the membrane or cut the cord (tie it off first and snip it with a scissor-- you can go into Bruce's supplies for his surgical suture and scissors if you need them-- remember to clean them well before and after). 

It should be about an hour before she starts to give birth, and several hours before she finishes delivering the litter. Bruce says he believes she's carrying four kittens, so give it four to six hours. 

If you're concerned about the health of any of the kittens, Bruce says you're free to text him. 

Good luck! 

\--N


	603. Honeyed wine

From: Darcy Lewis Stark-Rogers ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

SERIOUSLY

I am being REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS about someone coming home, the cat just swore at me – like, I really don’t think I’m hallucinating, it called me a sniveling peon unworthy of witnessing the birth of princes and then demanded honeyed wine for the pain??

THOR, YOUR FUCKING CAT SPEAKS ENGLISH. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.

D


	604. In the cabinet

From: Dr. Jane Foster ([jafoster@usm.maine.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry, Darcy! Thor mentioned something about a transdimensional portal at the base of the Great Pyramid and he said he wouldn't have mobile service for a few days. I completely forgot to tell you because I was so absorbed by the total lunar eclipse on Tuesday. It was practically a zero on the Danon scale, and I have some theories on the wavelengths of the refractory light present when an eclipse is in near totality that I'm just dying to present. 

There should be some honey wine in the cabinet.

\--J


	605. Are you sure

From: Dr. Jane Foster ([jafoster@usm.maine.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Are you sure the cat asked for honey wine? I don't think cats normally drink honey wine. You might want to ask again in case you misheard; alcoholic beverages might not be healthy for a cat in labor.


	606. Spare Keys

from: Bruce Banner (doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org)  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Darcy, If the cat is speaking you need to remove yourself from the situation immediately. I'm quite serious - leave the house. If you need a ride, the spare keys to the Charger are in the dish next to the coat rack on your way out. Take any and all human security personnel with you.

Natasha and I will be there shortly.

Bruce


	607. Cats don't talk

From: Dr. Jane Foster ([jafoster@usm.maine.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Did you just say the cat was _talking_ , Bruce? Cats don't talk.

Oh. Wait. The cat was talking, wasn't it? 


	608. This sort of thing

From: Morse, Barbara ([B.Morse@shield.gov](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

I'm getting in a car and coming out to the Island. Do I need to call in SHIELD? We have people who...well, no, we don't have people who deal with this sort of thing. If it were insects, I might have someone who could help.


	609. Sit tight

From: Danvers, Carol ([C.Danvers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Bobbi, don't worry. We ARE the people who deal with this sort of thing. 

Darcy, get out of the house and sit tight. Jim is on his way. He's got the armor, so he shouldn't be more than fifteen minutes.


	610. Normal kittens

From: Darcy Lewis Stark-Rogers ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Guys??

How many limbs do normal kittens have??

D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey, guys, it's Tea's birthday. Have some kittens.


	611. To the Wonder of All

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Greetings, my Brethren Fair!

I return from my Temporary Travails into the Land Without Mobile Service, having achieved Great Victory for our Cause! 

I have journeyed to the Oldest Kingdom, Duat, Mysterious Land of Death and Rebirth, having partaken in a Mystical Ritual to release my Soul from my Body. I must say, my Friends, that making the Joyous Acquaintance of the Gods of Midgard has been one of the Great Privileges of my Life Amongst You. My Newfound Compatriots have all witnessed the Might of Mjolnir, and honor it as a Tool of Great Power, meant to Restore Balance in the Universe. I have danced with the Lady Hathor and admired her Elegant Bovine Horns. 

To wit, I laid bare my Earnest Plea to these Great Immortals, and told them of our Woes. They allowed me to pass their Great Trial of the Twelve Gates, of late only the Honor Bestowed to Pharaohs, but, they said, in this Time, there are Few Supplicants who wish to pass these trials, and that they would be most pleased to challenge the Son of a King of Asgard. 

The First of these Gates was Guarded by a Jackal and a Ram, who would only allow the Pure of Heart to pass. Lo, but while I am not inclined to boast, this was but a Simple Task, and I left them both with a Kind Word and a Cheery Whistling Tune. 

At the Second Gate , two Fire-Breathing Serpents warned me of the Perils to Come. I believe that this was a Test of my Courage, and I spoke kindly to them and assured them that I was not Faint of Heart, but a Son of Odin Himself, and passed through their gate, whereupon I came upon a Lake of Fire. But lo, the Lake did not even singe me, for this was a Purifying Blaze, meant only to burn that which is Evil.

Within the Fourth Gate, I found Nine Slain Gods, and was put to work Raising them to Life, at which point they begged me for Sustenance. Though I was at the time Incorporeal, having shed my Body at the Outset, I was delighted to find that my Pockets were still full as they had been above, and I bestowed upon these Deities such Favors as Gummi Worms and Tic-Tacs, the likes of which they had never encountered, and the called me Bringer of Wonders. 

Cheered as I was by my Success to this Point, I entered upon the Grandest of Halls, the Hall of Judgment, in which my Heart, with all its Love and all its Burdens was placed upon a Golden Scale and weighed against but a Tiny Single Feather, which was presented to me as the Feather of All Truths. Of course, such a Trial was not unknown to me, and my Heart was easily lighter than this Feather. But I was not to finish there-- I was asked to place Mjolnir upon the Scale, and to the Wonder of All Present, Mjolnir and the Feather were of Equal Bearing, not even an Ounce Different in their Weights. This Revelation was met with a Tremendous Cheer. 

All were in such Awe of this Blessed Occurrence that I passed easily through the next few gates, with only a Friendly Word to the Serpentine Guards, who bowed their Heads in my Honor. 

But at the Tenth Gate, I was met by a Fierce Enemy-- the Villainous Serpent Apophis, who struck with his Venomous Fangs and slew All Who Crossed His Path. But I was able to defeat him with my Trusted Mjolnir, which I used to crush his Fangs so he could not bite his Victims. I then proceeded to drag him through the Eleventh Gate, where I tied him into a Pretty Bow and delivered him to my Grateful Hosts.

I passed through the Twelfth Gate to the Ringing Sounds of Applause and the Respect of All Onlookers. The God Horus, a Jovial if Rather Boring Fellow, then granted me that which I had begged of him: the Scarab Ring, Healer of All Wounds and Giver of All Life, meant to Destroy the Serpent Crown. 

So it is with Joy that I tell you I am prepared to return Home, and will regale you all with the Tales of my Journey, and offer to purchase a Great Quantity of Tequila with which to partake of Many Shots. 

Darcy, I have received your Missives and shall hasten to make my Way to Long Island, so that I may witness the Miraculous Birth of these Most Royal Kittens. I hope with all my Heart that I am not too late!

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms


	612. Deficient in maternal instincts

From: Darcy Lewis Stark-Rogers ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Guys,

So I know you told me to leave the house, but … kittens are kittens, right? Even when they're all covered in grody placenta and stuff. I couldn’t just, you know, go off after Bruce told me I had to cut cords and shit – I know you guys are into Knut but that cat is seriously not mother material, Jesus Christ. 

So – so when the cat started talking (I use this term loosely, it was like 90% Shakespearean obscenity) I kind of went and got Jane’s instruments from the conservatory and holy shit, the readings were off the chart. I set up the shit and by that point the cat was like... seriously into her contractions, so I knelt down and gave her wine from the saucer (sorry Jane) and she seemed to appreciate the company, I think. 

Thank god that’s when Thor showed up because I was pretty much out of sympathy when she started making a mess all over the cushions. Thunder, lightning, yadda yadda and suddenly he was stroking Knut’s side and making all kinds of sappy promises about the well-being of the royal offspring. There were actual tears, people, it was really emotional. 

Once Thor showed the action actually started in earnest and Knut was pretty quick on the draw – the first was a female calico and is actually super fucking cute, her eyes aren’t really open yet but it looks like one is yellow and one is green – is that normal? I thought kittens usually had blue eyes, but you know, eight legs, so what the fuck ever. The next three were all tabbies, one orange, one gray-and-white, the last a charcoal color with little guard hairs, aww. 

Knut (being completely fucking deficient in maternal instincts) gave them all a cursory lick-down (while the SHIELD helicopters were landing in the yard), bit Thor’s hand, and then bowed to me – fucking bowed, I shit you not, how is this even my life – and thanked me for my help. At that point she just sort of shimmered and vanished straight away. By the time the SHIELD SWAT type people were inside the house it was just us, four fucking eight legged kittens, and Thor's manly tears. To make matters worse the female is sort of – uh, hovering? Like, she can actually fly? So I’m not sure what the fuck that’s even about. (I did get some kickass readings, though, I'm totally emailing you, Jane!)

(sorry about your doors/windows, Tony, they weren’t even locked but SHIELD kind of kicked the shit out of all of them, oops)

So… yeah, uh, I guess all? Happy birthday, kitties. Iiiiii’m gonna go have a drink.

Darcy

PS I am totally the kittens' godmother. Suck it, people!


	613. Worst houseguests ever

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Okay, okay, what? You broke all my doors and windows? You are so fucking fired, Lewis. 

There’d better not be blood on my hardwood, jesus haploid christ you people are the worst houseguests ever.

T

PS Has anyone heard from Steve & co?

PPS Why the fuck can the cat talk?


	614. Asgardian Veterinary Science

From: THOR ([THOR@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  


Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

My Cherished Friends!

I must with All Haste to Asgard in order to have the Names of these Newly-Born Kittens blessed by our Elders and inscribed into the Annals of the History of Our Land, and also to see to their Health and Vigor, as Asgardian Veterinary Science far outmatches that of Midgard. 

It is with Utmost Joy and Tears of Rapture that I introduce you to the Newest Members of Our Clan. I took it as a Most Auspicious Sign that we were greeted with the Birth of one Female and three Males, and have named them for my Dearest and Oldest friends. Thus, the Lady Sif is the Eldest and Heir to her Mother's Title, and is followed in order by Fandral, Hogun, and Volstagg.

I hope that your Hearts all join mine in rejoicing upon their Arrival, and I shall return to you soon. I have placed the Sacred Scarab, in the meantime, in the Lefthand Corner of my Sock Drawer for safekeeping. And you have all my Apologies, Friend Tony, for the Disarray of Your Home, and I have left Royal Orders to commence Repairs immediately. 

THOR

_________________________

Thor Odinson  
~oO Prince of Asgard Oo~  
The Immortal Avenger, Thunderer, and Heir to the Nine Realms


	615. Weather Interference

From: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: RE: Meow mix meow mix please deliver

Stark--

The S.A.. team went dark a few hours ago. There appears to be some weather interference with the satellite; I've been monitoring it and it should clear in about fifteen to twenty minutes. It seemed oddly synchronized with the birth of the kittens I'll text you when we have a signal again. If you can't get through then, let me know. 

A reluctant but nonetheless sincere congratulations on your new kittens, Thor.

\--N


	616. You're okay

Steve, where the fuck are you? Don't leave me with that. Ping me. Let me know you're okay. 

Please.

T


	617. A stubborn streak a mile wide

T--

Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to send that. We got ambushed at our last camp; everyone's all right, but when we came out of it, the satellite was down. The worst casualty is my shoulder-- please remind me until I'm well that I'm not currently capable of flinging myself at speeding vehicles. Please no scolding-- Ray already won't shut up about it. 

We're on our way south to Chile; we're going to try to make good distance away from HYDRA. We had to steal a car, which I don't feel good about, but it was an old one and I left the rest of our cash in exchange. I was thinking maybe we could look up he owners when we get back and send them a new car. I took down their address, so it shouldn't be too difficult. It's a bit ironic that we're the good guys and yet all three of us knew how to hotwire a motor vehicle. 

I can't tell you how frustrating this is; I think I know my limits, but they're changing every day, and sometimes they're better than others. I'd stop and reassess but I've got no benchmark to reassess by. I keep thinking if I had my goddamn shield, at least I'd have something I could rely on; the shield can't lose its abilities based on its diet. 

Look, we're moving quickly; Clint's driving, so I have a little time, I think. 

All right. Maybe I was starting this from the wrong place in my last attempt, anyway. 

I think drawing a line is good. I think we are both the kind of people who need to draw a lot of lines.

I think part the problem is that we give things we don't want to give because we both hate to refuse. Neither of us like to admit there are things we can't do. I can't believe Natasha and Banner know where the lines are without asking; as much as Natasha seems to stare into people's souls, it seems like too much. They must ask each other. And they must sometimes tell each other no. The difference is that they're honest about that consequence. It's never been a question of one of us crossing the other's lines intentionally. It's always been a question of one of us not being completely clear on where the line needs to be.

I'm not angry about Ty. I'm worried about you, because I see you slipping into those habits when you're unhappy. If it was purely what you say it is, you would do it all the time, even when things were going well, and you don't. You only do it when you're hurting. 

I'm less angry that you did that with other people than I am upset that you did that with me. You didn't ask me, you didn't question it. You let me hurt you. I didn't know I was hurting you-- how could I have known? There was a point when you should have said no. Just as I should have said no to the job. And a dozen other things. If you'd said no, I would have asked why. I might have left on better terms.

You assumed I would deliberately hurt you. You have to know me better than that.

I don't know how I feel about the news about Banner and Natasha. I'm happy for them; of course I'm happy for them. But part of it feels like the same thing that always happens-- that life goes on without me there, and I miss it. Thank you for asking Banner to wait-- I don't know if he should wait to ask, but it would be nice to be there to see them. 

A lot of boys in the war met girls overseas, came home married. It just happened, I guess. 

If Moose doesn't remember me, maybe it's better for you to keep him. It would probably be harder for him to leave you than to leave me these days, after all. You've had him on your own for almost as long as I was there.

As for this whole discussion of wants and needs. I think it's already clear I don't know…that's what this whole Philadelphia plan is about, isn't it? 

I want to find a way to help people without sacrificing my personal ideals. So often the opportunity to do good comes with strings attached that I can't subject myself to anymore. I want to listen to your plan, think about whether it's something I can and should be part of. I need to start setting my own demands, though-- telling people the conditions under which I'll work with them, the moral obligations I expect them to uphold. I think I have the weight to pull some strings in that respect. 

I can give you-- I don't know. Me. I know I don't come with much but a stubborn streak a mile wide and a freezer full of ice cream, but I promise you, promise you that however this works out, you are ~~one of the most important people~~ the most important person in my world, and I don't intend on letting that change. 

 

I guess that's all. 

Love,

Steve


	618. Maximum honesty and minimal awkwardness

Steve,

Don't hesitate a second to do what you need to do - I'll buy your guy a car. I'll buy him fifteen cars. Forward the info and an anonymous donation will be made.

You’re onto something with the not knowing how to refuse thing. That’s my fault - I sometimes look at other people's boundaries as problems to be solved. If I’d let you be firm about things between us, we might not be here today. You definitely wouldn't have spent weeks hammering away at a job you didn't have any real interest in - although given the only reason I wanted you there was because I wanted you there... we both definitely could have done better. 

You didn’t hurt me. I mean, it did hurt, but in that moment all I really wanted was to be close to you and you ultimately let me have that. Please don’t believe that you did damage. You gave me something I wanted; I just didn’t understand the reason behind the giving. I should be the one apologizing to you - I know you, I really do. I guess on some level I just believe people need a reason to want to be near me. 

I know you know that's true - it's half oh why you don't like to accept my gifts. 

 

Okay, so… I’m gonna try to do this with maximum honesty and minimal awkwardness, because Bruce is my man. He was planning to wait for you to get back before doing anything, because he and Nat want you there. Clint’s not there either, and he’d obviously have to be Nat’s maid of honor… Bruce told me had no idea when or how he was going to do it, only that he wanted the ring ready so that he could be, too. 

I don’t know what to tell you. I think you should be happy for them, but I know feelings aren’t really a cause-effect kind of thing. If I’m being dickishly honest, I’m not particularly thrilled to hear wedding bells ringing considering the clusterfuck I’ve made of our relationship. It’s like pouring salt into an open wound. 

Still, Bruce deserves this, and he trusts me to make something important to him, so I'm gonna be as fucking supportive as he needs me to be. The fact that he’s my age and has had exactly zero healthy relationships in his life is enough to make me want to lay down and kiss Nat’s feet, no matter how much it reminds me of my own painful fuckups. I also -- I just need to point out that you're the one decided to leave us here. I know you had your reasons, but you chose to go to South America and your friends here aren't just gonna sit around twiddling their thumbs because you're not here to watch them. A lot of unexpected things have happened to you, but everyone has some measure of control over their own situation... don't sit down there feeling sorry for yourself if this matters more. You can always come home. 

Can I – is this about Nat and Bruce, or about you being asleep, or you wanting a ... more normal relationship than ours? Marriage, kids… it’s okay if it is. Most people want something like that out of life - I think it's pretty normal as much as anything is normal. It's just that you do this thing where you talk about my problems and not your own when you think I’m upset, and I want to talk about your problems, too. I know there are some things I can’t give you. Normalcy's definitely one of them.

Love you.

T

PS ... Moose remembers you, are you kidding? He still wakes me up at fucking five AM, the time when you'd always leave for your morning run. I put two of your shirts into his kennel so that he’d be calmer when I was out of the house and he sleeps on them every day. I just thought it was sweet, that you introduced him to DUM-E and now they’re fucking besties while you're away.

PPS We've had some serious kitten drama here at home - not to freak you out or anything, but I'm not sure Thor's cat was actually a cat... check the SI mailing list if you get a chance, that should tell you everything you need to know. Oh - SHIELD busted in the windows in the library, so we're gonna need to paint repaint a few of the sills and shit when you get back.

PPPS ...no scolding, fine, but go easy on the shoulder? If you guys get bogged down with injuries it's just going to be that much harder for me to get at you. Please be careful, Steve.


	619. Pure Want

Tony,

But I didn't finish the job, and these people are still out here, Nazis or no Nazis, and this is what I was made for. I'd be disrespecting Erskine's legacy if I let myself come home to go to friends' weddings. We'll...I hope we'll be home soon enough, but that's because we've gotten what we came for. If we hadn't, I would still have to answer to something bigger than myself.

No relationship I have is ever going to be normal. I've come to terms with that. And it's not as if Natasha and Bruce are going to go all white picket fence on us anytime soon. 

Did you ever want that? I assume, knowing what I do about your own family, that you probably never bought into the grand old American Dream like that. And because you seem to…I don't know. I feel like if there's something you want badly enough, you make it happen.

I think part of what I need time to do is actually decide what I want. I want a family. I want to make french toast every morning and have kids who jump on the bed to wake me up along with the dog. I know a lot of things about what families are have changed since I went into the ice, but it's hard to give up the ghost of a platonic ideal. But you only get to live once, right? I think it would be a shame to not have that. Besides, we have so much, and there are so many kids out there who don't, and why not share it?

But I guess I know those aren't things you're prepared to do. I shouldn't be rolling you up into all my daydreams about the future.

What I don't want is for anything between us to ever be transactional. Because that's what you're talking about, that thing you do with people. I don't want to bargain with you, I don't want to make deals, I don't want to be giving things in exchange for things instead of giving things because we each want to give them without expectation. And I want compromise between us to be real compromise that comes from working toward something, not from taking away from each other.

I don't know how to write these letters without thinking about being home with you again, without envisioning that as the end game. I can't think about these things in the abstract without filling your face into photographs, without filling you in beside me.

It's dark and freezing at night. We actually stayed in a lodge built entirely out of salt one night, but some of the lodges are full of tourists, and we don't want to draw too much attention, so we've been sleeping in the car. Your cape finally got put to good use; the three of us have been sleeping under both capes, packed in tightly like sardines, though I've been taking the outside because the cold doesn't get to me as much. Things are completely desolate here; I'm glad for the supplies, because we wouldn't have had anything to eat or drink, otherwise. 

I'm being careful with the shoulder; I promise. There isn't a lot to do, Ray and Clint are trading off on the driving, the most strain I'm putting on my shoulder is typing to you, but I imagine you don't want me to stop writing. And naturally I don't want to hinder your ability to get at me.

It's much easier with Clint here. He speaks excellent Spanish, which helps immensely. I understand the language but attract too much attention with my accent; it's hopelessly American.

We have this crown, Tony. Even keeping it wrapped in a bag, it radiates something terrible, like you can feel it begging to be taken out, like it has a personality, like it's not just a piece of headwear. I'm keeping it with me, tied up with my things, because I'm worried about what it could do. We don't even really know what it is, but I guess having it, I can understand why HYDRA wants it. It's as if it's screaming for people to take it, and I can't be the only one hearing this. 

It reminds me a little bit of Loki's scepter, the way it put us all on edge without us realizing it was exerting influence over us. But this is a different feeling altogether, this is pure want. 

I can't say if it's bleeding into my letters. 

I can't help believing the shield must be here somewhere, Tony, that coming home without it is quitting; it's-- you understand what it is to me, don't you? It's not just a piece of my identity, it's...I left the dog tags at home for the same reason. There's so little I have left. I hold that shield, and it's like everyone's with me-- Howard, Bucky, Peggy, most of the boys...they all held it at one point; it's like I can feel the warmth of their hands still on it. It's how I keep them with me, and without it...well. I feel like I've given up on them all. 

I love you.

Steve

P.S. I couldn't quite follow the messages about the cat...SHIELD really smashed you windows over a talking cat? Do we know what the hell it is? Is this an Asgardian thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys, Tea here! I'm sorry for the lack of comment replies the past few days...I'm out of town and there is ZERO signal at my hotel or at the convention center! Thanks for all the birthday wishes!


	620. More Than You Mean

Steve –

I'd call that hero-complex stuff a load of crap, but I know you actually believe it. You feel like you owe the world something for what little it's given you, and I'll never understand that - maybe it comes from genuinely making yourself into something out of nothing, which I will never, ever relate to. As long as people are capable of making choices there will always be people like the fucking Nazis out there. It's not your job to kill yourself trying to stop them.

I have a hard time believing that Erskine would have wanted you to spend the next seventy two years flagellating yourself over what he would or wouldn't have wanted. He trusted your judgement or he wouldn't have picked you for the super soldier program, why can't you trust that sometimes it's okay to do something for yourself? Or for the people around you?

Sorry. I realize how dickish that sounds. I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't honestly believe it was true.

As for the rest of your letter.... can you actually imagine _me_ with a family?? I like kids well enough, but I’ve never exactly been good with them. I talk to them like they’re just very tiny grown ups, the way I always wanted people to talk to me when I was small. I also tend to accidentally teach them new four letter words.

In all honesty, though, I've never given kid a lot of thought. My manly-man numbers were always low, even before everything happened with the Ten Rings in Afghanistan. After I put in the arc reactor the residual palladium tanked them completely, so I’m shooting blanks. (it figures, right? Biology has never been my strong point.) It was pretty great when Pepper was around at least, because she’s A+ 100% childfree. (I do have some swimmers frozen in a tank somewhere, in case the urge ever struck, but it’s been literal decades. Do those things have an expiration date?)

I always thought I’d be a pretty badass uncle or godfather or some shit. But a father? I try to imagine someone calling me "dad" and nothing makes sense anymore. How could I ever parent another human being when every example set for me was so... I don't know what word to use. Skewed, maybe, or self-serving? What if I fucked up the next generation as much as my parents fucked me up? What if I wake up someday and realize I'm as shit a father as my old man was -- god, I don't know what I'd do.

You never had a dad, or a -- I can see why you want to try to build something perfect. Maybe I could be part of a perfect equation, if that equation included you. Or maybe I'd be that one variable that could never be resolved. 

Maybe we should have this conversation when you’re not near this crown. You might be saying more than you mean to, or just straight-up more than you mean.

Listen - I know how you feel about your shield, what it means to you, what it is. In the last two days I've put together a system of vibranium detection - I've hammered out an algorithm that searches for the patterns of vibration your shield would be producing, based on size and density. I focused in on the southern half of South America, and as much as I hate to give you a reason to stay, it seems like it's there somewhere near the Chile-Bolivia border - the reading are imperfect, and I only have a hundred-mile or so radius on the location, but... you've said yourself that where we find the shield we'll find Madame Hydra and her cohorts. 

If you need to stay you need to stay, but please, wait for me. I'll come down, I'll bring backup, I'll bring fucking SHIELD. Between the team, the cavalry, and us -- we'll bring the shield home.

I bet the stars are pretty down there.

Love from me and licks from Moose,  
T

PS I ... you know what? Don't worry about the cat. It's under control; focus on you, mending that shoulder, and making it home ASAP.


	621. Signing off for Now

From: Morse, Barbara ([B.Morse@shield.gov](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: South America Recon

Team:

Stark tells me you're pulling your crew out of Bolivia; good timing. I'm getting deployed with a team to go down there and deal with HYDRA, but it sounds like we're also being asked to investigate a certain case of industrial sabotage that may have involved unauthorized military action on the shore of Lake Titicaca. I'm sure you may have read about it in the news. All in all, it seems like an unsafe place to be for anyone who is completely and totally innocent of any involvement in such an action. 

We've been asked to keep an eye out for Captain America's vibranium shield, which is technically property of SHIELD, so we're very eager to retrieve it. 

Just be aware that while SHIELD covert ops teams will be handling the situation in Bolivia, we do have reason to believe that there are active cells in New York, and that they may target anyone involved with SHIELD activities. 

If any of you can provide absolute evidence linking Roxxon to HYDRA, we're very much looking for a way to prosecute Jones as well as any other higher-ups in the Roxxon Corporation who may be complicit in these activities.

In the meantime, Danvers is responsible for day-to-day and liaising with SHIELD proper. 

Signing off for now,

Barbara Morse, PhD  
"Mockingbird"  
Team Leader, The Avengers Initiative


	622. I love you.  I'm coming home.

T--

The stars are beautiful. 

I didn't really intend to, well…I think given the circumstances, yes, the nature of this conversation is getting overcomplicated, delving off into subjects we probably aren't yet ready to discuss. 

Look, I talked to Ray and Clint tonight. This was hard. We've got this crown. That was the goal. Thor has the means to destroy it. SHIELD is on their way, and they're better-equipped to deal with the situation down here than I am, especially with the full weight of the WSC and the Bolivian government now behind them.

We're more equipped to handle the Crown. We need to do that. As much as I hate to say it, if it's coming down to finding my shield and getting this home so we can keep HYDRA from carrying out their plans, I've got to give the shield a rest.

Besides, I have you. I figure maybe it's about time to figure out who I can be without some piece of fancy metal.

I love you. 

I'm coming home. 

\--S


	623. See you soon.

Steve - 

Waiting for you is going to kill me. I might actually die.

I've hired private planes at six major airports, including the two closest to you. They're under the name Edward Carbonell.

You're more than just your shield - you know that, right? I'll speak to my contacts in Wakanda - maybe we can find more vibranium. Go with a totally new color scheme suitable for a Nomad.

I love you, love you, love you. Be safe. The pilots are prepped on our... unique situation. The planes are stocked with chutes and supplies. I'll have a chopper waiting at Newark.

See you soon.  
T


	624. Not at all Ominous

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**

[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]

[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 38° 14' 45.686" S, 72° 21' 0.086" W , VICTORIA, ARAUCANIA, CHILE]

{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[sounds of car motor, wind] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Geez, it’s like a baby airport. Airstrip. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Is that Stark’s plane? Hell of a puddle jumper.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It has to be; I don’t see any other planes around. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I don’t think they could fit any other planes. That runway’s about as wide as a tractor-trailer...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Well. The pilot better be good, is all I’m saying. Small planes are death traps in the wrong hands.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Small planes? Death traps? Never. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [snort]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Alright, Ray, it’s up to us. Steve’s not allowed to touch _any_ thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Excuse me? I crashed that plane exactly where I wanted it.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Har dee har, not exactly helping your case, dude. 

If push comes to shove, I’ll drive. I’m sport pilot and single-engine certified. One of those’ll cover that thing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** ...Of course you are. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** What’s that look about? I’m a versatile fucking agent, dude. Someone had to fly Nat’s getaway planes. Stark knows what I can fly, so I’m sure he sent the appropriate shit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And you bake cookies.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Cookies and murder, dude. That’s...pretty much my Reddit handle, actually.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** They’re basically projectiles, right? The planes, not the cookies, I mean.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Projectiles meant to be landed safely, _not_ crashed knowingly into raging Arctic seas. Just saying.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are you sure? I could have sworn I heard differently.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** How about you test that theory when we aren’t carrying precious cargo, i.e. moi.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, there’s meant to be a pilot waiting, and Tony would only hire the best. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Right. [muttered] Because shit always goes according to plan for ….

Is that -- security is waiting for us. Quick, hide the knives…

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Take off your shoes, separate your liquids? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’m gonna be pissed if they confiscate my deodorant. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You ran out of deodorant last week. Not like you wore it as often as you should in the first place. I’ve seen the surveillance footage, remember? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I was told there weren’t any cameras in the bathroom! God damn, Stark.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nah, I’m just fucking with you. We ready? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ready and willing. Here, Ray, make sure your earpiece is in-- here, tuck it a bit deeper, or put your hair over it or some… yeah. Better.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** These are like, a billion times more comfy than the ones those HYDRA fuckers made us use. 

[rummaging] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ve got the crown. I...it’s a little odd, security sitting out here at what’s clearly not a heavily-trafficked airstrip. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Who knows who actually owns the place. Some of these cartel dudes are shit-hot on security.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well. If anything seems suspicious, find some way to let the other two know.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Got it.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, alright. Hey, what about your alpaca-hoodie? You left it in the back, you can’t leave without _that_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, I believe I can.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m crushed, Steve. I give you a present, and this is how you show gratitude? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** You’re absolutely right, let me burn it before we go. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [tsking] No taste. None whatsoever. 

[wheels rolling to a stop, gravel crunching]

 **UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Good evening. Papers, please?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** ...Right, of course. 

[click] 

[rummaging]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [whispered] Uh. I don’t have papers. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [whispered] Shut your mouth.

Mine, and the lady’s.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And here’s mine. 

[papers shuffling, pencil scratching] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Give us a little credit, Ray. Tones is good for a passport or tw-- oo. Gotcha, Steve.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [cough] Knowing him, he probably made me sixty-five and from Latveria. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Pretty sure it’s 50 and the Savage Land, but you know.

 **UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** [rustling] Mmm.

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** We’re with the Carbonell party. 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** You’re here for the Kodiak. Due to heightened security restrictions, you’ll be asked to leave your vehicle at the road and walk to the processing building.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** “Processing building?” That looks like a shack.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** We’re the only flight out of here….by the looks of things, probably all week. What is there to process?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [car door opening] Let’s not hold the nice man up-- get your bags, everybody. Clint, can you check the car for my phone? I think I dropped it.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’re so clumsy sometimes, Steviepoo. [shifting, gravel crunching]

[number pad tapping]

[bzzt]

So this all seems a little strange - Is there a reason the light are off, sir?

 **UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Rolling brown-outs. Move along.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [muttered] Head toward the plane. If anything happens, just keep going. 

[footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Not seein’ a pilot out there, Steve. Or, you know, cover.

[bzzt]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [quietly] _I’ve got you on feed._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [whispered] Roger that, Stark. 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Sir, you need to report for processing. Your plane will not be cleared to depart without your paperwork having been --

[radio crackling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Just want to check out the plane, sir. It’s pretty small, isn’t it? Do you know what model it is? Gosh, I love planes. Where’s the pilot gone? 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Processing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Do you need all three of us for processing? I could come in to, uh, processing and the other two could get our stuff in the plane. Since we’re-- [laugh] not taking off without a pilot, are we? 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** All international travelers must submit to processing before take-off. You can leave your bags here.

[grumbled] Fucking American dogs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** In the middle of the airfield? I mean, it looks like rain. Doesn’t it look like rain to you? I just don’t want our stuff to get wet. We’re not-- we’re not technically international travelers, really, since I don’t think that plane is making any intern--

 **UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Do I tell you how to do your fucking job? You think your fucking American money can buy you out of customs paperwork? _Processing_.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [bag thumping to the ground] Alright. But I’m not leaving my trusty pool cues unattended.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Ugh. You and your pool cues.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yep, and I’ll be, ah, taking my bowling ball. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You and your bowling ball. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I can’t leave it alone! It belonged to my Grandpa. Grandpa Joe would come back from the grave just to throw a fit if I left it out of my sight. Oh, Ray, you don’t want to leave your diamonds unattended.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** No, I don’t. [snickers]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [footsteps] Processing. That’s not at all ominous.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, I’m thinking ground beef.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _I’m getting heat signatures in the woods behind the outbuilding. At least seven. Maybe ten. Two are immobile and prone. Hostages?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** The pilot. Security. Real security who probably doesn’t speak unaccented American English. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _I’m not getting anything inside the building; the corrugated metal is throwing off the pings._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t worry; we’re not going in the building. I’m going to make sure it’s clear and then put it at our backs. Weapons? Explosives? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** So, hey, Security. You got a name? 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Gomez. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Hey, Gomez. I’m Rachel. Where’d you learn English? 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** School.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah? We’ve been in South America for months now, and I don’t think we’ve met anyone whose English is that good. Clint, am I wrong, or is his English pretty fucking good?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah, for real. I mean the guy in the bar in Uyuni wasn’t terrible, but yeah. 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** [silence]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I took French in high school, but then I dropped out, so...yeah, I know how to say, “j’ai seize ans,” but I’m totally not seize ans anymore. So that’s useful. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _I see two M5s, three all-terrain vehicles --_

 **UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** Who’s that?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Who’s what?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Who’s-- oh, that’s me. I’m on the phone with my boyfriend. Yeah. I guess we have to go through processing, but we’ll-- be out of here soon? 

[smooching sounds] 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** [disgusted noise] Save it for home, twinkletoes.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** _Rude._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Twinkletoes?! Is that a local idiom? 

[click]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Oh, for fuck’s sake.

[scuffling, grunting, crunching]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ray? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [click, hiss] Got it. Sorry, Gomez. 

**UNIDENTIFIED.Security.1:** [shouting, choking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You two. Plane. If you need to leave without me, do it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _They’re moving, Steve -- Barton, don’t you fucking dare leave him._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You’ve got to be shitting me! You need us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There are two hostages in the woods. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Take Ray, it only takes one person to start a fucking plane, Steve. [running footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t-- Ah. Ray. You coming? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Right behind you. Stark, what have you got? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _They’re breaking rank around the shed, four to the right and four to the left, each with a sub-machine gun--_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Excellent, and I have non-lethal sparkly shit. Nice work, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Pretty sure you’ll manage, cupcake.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You alright out here, Ray? Tell me if you need to head to the plane--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m okay. Just gimme a gun. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Incoming. Move it or lose it, people._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [groan] Gun. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [click] Better. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m going in; you cover me? Increase the range on your comm. BARTON! RANGE UP. 

[running footsteps] 

[gunfire]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Two guys on Clint -- one guy… annnd he’s in the plane, nice._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right, Barton, do you copy? I need you to be ready to take off-- We’re going to have two more passengers and I don’t know if they’re injured. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I copy. Fucking amateurs didn’t even drain the tank.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _The plane only seats six, Cap, don’t bring more than three hundred pounds of crap with you._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** How many are we looking at on the ground? I’ve got five diamonds left. 

[running footsteps; thwack, groan]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right. I’m almost to the woods. 

[gunfire] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, I’ve got-- shit--

[gunfire] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ray, I need you at the perimeter. Get me a smokescreen.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m showing another heat signature in the woods behind the two -- a guard? South side.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [footsteps crunching] I’ll deal with it. Ray, your two o’clock. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [gunfire] Down. Here’s your cover, Stevie. 

[cllck, hiss] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m in. [smack, groans, thump]

[muffled voices] 

[cries of relief] 

[sawing rope] 

Got the hostages. We’re good, team. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _We get them all?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah, I’m sending these two out. Ray, can you help them? We’ve got...minor injuries, nothing serious, I think? Rope burns, dehydration...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _There should be med supplies in the green trunk in the back of the plane. I sent half a fucking hospital._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Thanks. You see anything else out here? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Nothing else on my feeds…_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right, I’m on my way out. Barton, let’s see if you crash planes half as well as I do. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [cackles]

[plane engine rumbling to life]

[running footsteps] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Okay. Hostages have arrived. Come on, guys. 

[coughing, running footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Everyone still with me? Check in._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yep, you got me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Good to go.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m here.

[scuffling, thump] 

[shout] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Steve? [footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Steve--!_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [shallow breathing] I-- just…

[snap, static]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ray, leave the pair and get the fuck back in there. I can’t come to you, I need more runway than that.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Steve? I’m ahead of you, Clint. 

[cough, spit] I can’t fucking see, there’s fog that’s _definitely not mine_ , and-- 

[spit] 

[cough]

Okay. Mask up. Steve, do you copy? This looks like a Viper setup, guys. This stuff is fucking toxic. Are you-- Stark, can you get a reading, I can’t see a fucking thing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Negative. The fog is emanating from the area where the hostages were located; readings suggest slight radioactivity. Steve, do you copy? Ray, what should we be anticipating here?_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Poisonous gas, for one. It’s kind of her trademark thing. Bio warfare. Might not be a lot of targets, depends what she’s after. High stealth. Guerilla tactics. Bait and swit--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Your boys made it to the plane. Hey, here, cli-- [grunting]

[scrambling, thwacking sounds]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Shit! Clint, status? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [gunfire, screaming]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _CLINT--_

[chopping, splattering]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [footsteps, crunching] Status when you can, Clint. I’m getting closer to the spot, Stark, visual’s still bad. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I just Indiana Jones-ed the shit out of that fucker. Eat prop, sucker! Hostages were plants. 

Dead plants.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** As I was saying, bait and switch. Steve, come on? Please tell me your comm’s not out.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _More good news - there’s a convoy eight minutes away. Get the fuck out of there, people._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** What about Steve? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _For fuck’s sake -- he can’t be that far away. He’ll make it. Just, gear up, get ready to move._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He _always_ fucking does this. Hey, look, guys, it’s time to go, why don’t I get LOST IN THE WOODS PLAYING HERO. 

I can’t find him, Stark; I think I’m at the hostage point. He’s gone. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _He’s not gone. Keep looking._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [growl] I am looking! Visual’s clearing; the woods is fucking empty. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Fuck. Barton?_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Nothing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Try the building?_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [breath.] Right. Going back. What time do we have on that convoy? 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Seven minutes. They’re--_

[slam]

[yell]

[smack]

[crack] 

[thump]

[scuffling] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** Hello there, Rachel. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [grunt] Fuck off and die. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Ray, status. What you got?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [grunt] I’ve got-- 

[snikt] 

[struggling]

[yelp]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Agent Barton. How lovely to see you again. 

[thwomp] 

Get-- 

[yell] 

Back here-- 

[running footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _You were the one -- you fucking bitch. You bugged my home-- gassed my friends --_

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [running footsteps] Tony Stark. I haven’t seen you since Christmas. I assumed you-- 

[breathing] 

Knew that already. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [muffled shouting] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _.....ah. I thought your voice sounded familiar._

_Well, at least the gang’s all here. It’ll save everyone some time -- spare me me hunting your ass down, you dying messily…_

**HYDRA.Madame:** That really wasn’t in my plan. 

[running footsteps] 

I was more thinking about shooting this treacherous bitch. 

[gunfire] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Believe it or not, I don’t give a shit about your plan - and if anyone is shooting the treacherous bitch, it’s definitely gonna be me. Dibs._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE. 

[snarl]

[thwack]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [hiss] 

[grunt] 

I hate to point out the obvious, but first come, first served, Mister Stark. 

[smack] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I figure I have all the time in the world - we all know how well HYDRA’s plans typically go.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Seem to be going fairly well these days, don’t they. Where’s Captain Boyfriend? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You -- fuck you, you miserable-- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [grunt] 

[thump] 

[click] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [gunfire, pop] 

[chuckle] I did always find those diamonds...quaint. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [crackling, flashing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _For the record, I am feeling slightly guilty about removing the razors from your diamonds. But I’m only saying it once._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, fuck you too, Tony.

[wood splintering]

[wet thwack]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [gunfire] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [muffled cry] 

[thump]

[whimper] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [laugh] You’re a very unpopular young lady, do you know that? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [panting] Fuck off.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Stark, how about you give me this one, I’ll give you Captain America? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _So he’s alive? And close at hand._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** You can’t be serious! You can’t-- 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [breath]

[twanging]

[thwok]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [shriek] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [tackling, scuffling] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** Fucking-- fucking _arrow_. [panting] No deal. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** If I had a dollar for every time I heard that….

[gunfire] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** And that would be my backup.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [grunt] 

[click] 

Well, we’ll see what they do with a gun to your head. Move it, bitch. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I’ve got my eye on you Ray. Stay visible.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _You can’t just--_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do, Stark. Steve’s MIA. I’m salvaging what I can here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Unacceptable. Fucking -- check the building, just fucking _look_ \--_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Kinda got our hands full with one of SHIELD’s most-wanted, Stark. Shut your mouth while we secure this fucker.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _YOU QUIT, GOLDIEHAWK. You don’t get to --_

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, well, she murdered my friends, Stark. And you were going to fucking trade me to her. You need to bring her in alive, Barton? Because I’d happily feed her a fucking hand grenade. 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [grunting, scuffling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Please. We wouldn’t have traded you._

_We’re the good guys._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [grunt] That’s what everybody says. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Three minutes._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You limping, Ray?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Yeah, it’s just a flesh wound. Don’t -- [wince] -- don’t worry about me. 

[deep breath]

Why don’t you take Madame Bitch here, and I’ll check out the fucking shack? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You sure? Most of this blood isn’t mine.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I can tell, cause it’s splattered so pretty. Yeah, just-- I don’t give a shit what Stark wants, but I’m sure as hell going to try to find Steve. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

[thwok]

[body crumpling to the ground]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Or there’s that. 

[deep breath] 

[snikt] 

Okay. I’ve got my comm back. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [zip ties zipping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Good. Hurry. We’re almost out of time._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** For fuck’s sake, you guys and your orders. 

[uneven running footsteps] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [grunting, footsteps, plane engine rumbling]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fuck. Shack’s empty. I’ve got two corpses. Stripped. I’m guessing this is who your plants replaced, Barton. 

Turning around. I don’t know where else to fucking look. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** A’right. Let’s get the fuck outta here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Convoy --_

[tires squealing, gravel scattering]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I see ‘em! Shit. I lost my gun in the-- 

[uneven running footsteps] 

I’ve got four diamonds. 

[grunt, panting] 

Clint, I’m coming straight for--

[gunfire] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I see you. [thwok, thwok, thwok]

Twenty yards. You can do it, Ray.

[thwok, thwok]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [click] 

[grunt, heaving] 

[uneven running footsteps] 

[thwok]

[explosion] 

[panting] 

Shit, you’re a fucking badass. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yep. An underappreciated badass. 

[thwok thwok] Is she still out? Check for me, before I fucking lock us in here with her.

[grenade pin slipping free]

[grunting]

[distant explosion]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Two more trucks pulling in._

_Get out of there._

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I’m GETTING--

[heaving, clanging on metal]

Affirmative, Clint. Is there a reason we’re not fucking killing her? 

[gunfire] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Steve wouldn’t have wanted--

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** She would have killed us. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Well, Stark’s right, for once. 

We’re the good guys.

[gunfire] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [groan] And this is why I don’t fight with the good guys. 

[bullet ricochet]

Ah! They’re getting close; close the fucking--

[gunfire, bullets clattering off metal] 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Holy shit. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [distant shouting] 

[gunfire, bullets clattering off metal] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Is -- oh, thank god --_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [rapid firing]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** He _always_ does this. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [clank, thump]

[heavy breathing] 

Status? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** STATUS, MY ASS. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [breathing] Sorry. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Fucking pissed. What _is_ it with you and almost dying? Haven’t we had this conversation? Like, twice?

[door slamming, bolt spinning]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Steve… shove your status up your fucking ass, you were off-comm for eight fucking minutes, you stupid fucking --_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [heavy breathing] A few bruises. I found my shield. 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Just like that? “I found my shield?” “I FOUND MY SHIELD?”

[plane engines roar]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _You have got to be shitting me. I can’t believe I’m hearing this._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You went after your favorite accessory and left us with Madame Bitchface to deal with? 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** I got _shot_. 

[wheels spinning, gunfire rattling off plane]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I didn’t _go after_ the shield. I’m not an idiot. 

Madame Hydra fogged up the woods, broke my comm link. There were more agents in the woods. They tried to tackle me. One of them had the shield; they were using it to guard your mother’s ring, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** The ring -- _you have the controller?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah. I’ve got it separate from the Crown; I’m not sure we want these together.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You just waltzed in and picked up two priceless objects? What the fuck--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, I’m sorry, did you want me to leave them? I have no idea; I assume they expected that I’d be easier to deal with when I’m not at one hundred percent.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Hang on, hang on. Your choice isn’t the unsettling part here. Just -- how could it be that easily acquired? There weren’t any other heat signatures in the woods._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It wasn’t easy. Well. Not at first. Then they started running around like chickens with their heads cut off. I assume it’s because we grabbed their leader, here. So much for two taking its place. 

[engines whining, wheels lifting off]

[humming of engines, silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _My instruments -- They knew we were here -- Steve, this feels too easy._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What, you think Viper wanted us to take her in? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _It worked for Loki._

Are you sure she’s completely restrained? I just - having the crown, the controller, and the shield in one place is careless. She tends to box clever.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Well, I’d offer to take one of them, but somebody here probably thinks I’m still on her side. She’s secure. Unless you don’t trust me to do that, either. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _....Steve, will you check her over?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ve got it. No. There’s no way she’s getting out of this without assistance. Tony, no doubt they found a way to use the shield to mask their own presence, too. I don’t know how else to explain it. Ray, you got shot? Are you all right? Clint, what the hell is with all the blood? You’re...drenched.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I propellered some dude. Man, all I can smell is blood, I think it’s up my nose. The items are--?

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Crown. And controller. Right here. 

[thump] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Jesus._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** We should split them up. Pass me the controller. I’ll totally be your Samwise Gamgee, Stevie.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ha. You mind holding onto the Crown, and I’ll keep the ring? I think I’ve been carrying it for too long; it does a number on your head. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I can handle it. Pass it up. 

[shuffling]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ray?

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fine. Thanks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Clint, since my pilot is dead, I’m gonna read you the coordinates for La Paz. You can leave the plane there, I’ll have an SI jet waiting for you. You’ll have to put down at least once to refuel._

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh god. How did I _know_ this was going to matter?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** If I trusted you to not fly us into a fucking mountaintop maybe I’d let you give it a try.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Fuck, Barton, just--_

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Look, he didn’t almost get _your_ ass killed, did he? _Fuck_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** What the hell, Barton? I didn’t _ask_ to get ambushed and have my comm destroyed. Just...show off your fancy small craft flying skills. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Your dumb ass broke every rule in the book -- we lost visual, we lost communication, _Ray got shot_ trying to save you because you’ve got a hard-on for danger and the self-preservation instinct of a fucking lemming, and you’re bitching at me for taking the wheel? 

Fuck you, Cap.

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** _I’m sorry you got shot, Ray._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** How many times do the rest of us have to say ‘fuck you?’ 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Get a handle on it, you three. Madame Hydra’s in the fucking back seat._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [shifting]

[wet squishing, splatting the floor]

[silence]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** ...I don’t normally think of blood as sexy, but the whole shirtless-bloody-chest thing is definitely a look for you there, Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [snort]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _Green locker. And an additional first aid kit under the wraparound seat in the back. Do you guys need anything else from me? I’m going to track you on radar and try to have a flying nurse waiting for you in La Paz._

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Call in to SHIELD. Let them know we’ve got a present for them. 

[rummaging]

Got it. 

[snap] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I think we’re alright for now, Tony. We...lost our supplies, though. Food? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _Can do._

_I’m -- glad you’re okay, Steve._

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I-- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Oh, for fuck’s sake, save it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Just leave it, Ray.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [clearing throat] Stark out.

[click]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Here, Ray, let me-- 

**LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [wince] I can do it myself. 

[unzip, rustling, fabric falling]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Lemme know if you need anything, Ray.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Nah, just worry about flying the plane, man. I’m all good.

{{Saving…}}


	625. (extremely private)

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is an image of a note on blue stationery with an envelope. 
> 
> The envelope reads simply "TONY." 
> 
> The note says: 
> 
> T-
> 
> You are cordially invited to meet me for a private (extremely private) tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 
> 
> 9PM Tonight.
> 
> Just you & me. I love you.
> 
> -S
> 
> P.S. I donated a large sum of money in your name. I hope that's okay.


	626. Mostly metaphorically

Pepper – 

Okay, I am trying to stay calm here, but Steve is coming home. He fucking – I mean after everything that happened with the remote suit two weeks ago… we started actually talking again, and I started thinking maybe I really had a chance to fix things even if it was gonna take a while, and then he just – straight up told me that he loved/missed/wanted me and he was coming home. It was pretty much all the progress I'd been hoping for since march crammed into a handful of letters 

And then he – I got this note via courier, I think he just **booked the MET for us** , _tonight_ , and I have no idea what that means -- I thought he was moving away and taking the dog and now he’s booked an entire museum for what he dubs an “extremely” private tour? Which, you know how much I love watching people spend my money, is only like the biggest fucking turn-on in the history of turn-ons. It's... sweet, and new, and just, maybe he's actually listening.

WHAT DO I WEAR, PEPPER. WHAT SAYS I-AM-MADLY-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU-BUT-TRYING-TO-BE-UNASSUMING-ABOUT-IT when you’re touring the MET alone at night and desperately hoping to have your tonsils inspected up against Perneb's Tomb? (mostly metaphorically, right, don’t get your art-historian-panties in a knot, no tombs were harmed in the making of this fantasy) ... Jesus. I feel like a teenager, second guessing everything.

What if I fuck it up? What if I say the wrong thing? I always seem to do that with him, I don't fucking get how I can blaze away off the cuff at stadium-size crowds and yet always put my foot in my fucking mouth when he's standing there.

This is only marginally less frightening than sailing a nuke into a wormhole. 

Love you. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tony

PS seriously, what the fuck should I wear?


	627. Black. Silk.

Tony,

Of course you feel like a teenager; you're practically dating one.

Sorry. The set-up was too good.

I don't want to dampen your obvious good spirits, but that sounds very out of character for our Steve. Spending a lot of money without warning? Going on a romantic date before sitting down for a mind-numbing debrief session?

I'm still concerned about his emotional well-being, and I know he has a tendency to do the kinds of things he thinks will please other people without thinking about himself, so just…tread carefully, will you? I'm concerned that if the two of you pick this up right where you left off, at least one of you is going to get badly hurt.

But knowing you, you'll ignore all my advice, and you wouldn't be you if you didn't, so wear the charcoal Armani, white shirt, dark red tie, black belt (gold buckle, do you still have the one that is slightly burnished and antiquey?), and for heaven's sake DO NOT wear your damn Iron Man boxer briefs. Black. Silk. 

Tell me how it goes. I'm going to be up grading papers. Skype me if you need help picking a tie.

Pepper


	628. A good sign

Pepster - 

Since when have I ever willingly gone to the MET? This is like the Steviest date that ever Steved. Assuming it IS a date. But I don't think he would have spent my money to book a venue in which he plans to dump me, so I can't help but feel a little optimistic... It's not like I'm expecting a proposal or anything, but... we've been talking, joking sometimes, figuring out a future. I'm not surprised he'd go in for a big date... I feel like he's trying to meet me halfway. Doing something we'd both enjoy.

It seems safe to assume it's a good sign.

I'll be careful, though. I'll be so, so careful.

I am about to send you ONE THOUSAND SELFIES so get ready for it.

T


	629. Why Don't We Do This More Often?

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 40°46'46.8"N, 73°57'47.6"W, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION: Why Don't We Do This More Often?--Freddy Martin Band--Eddie Stone, vocal] 

[door creaking]

[footsteps echoing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** …...hello? St--...

[paper rustling] Oh. oh. Notes? Like Valentine’s Day?

[soft laugh]

‘I missed you.’

[breath]

[echoing footsteps]

[paper rustling]

[footsteps]

‘Take off your jacket’ … ‘and pour yourself a drink’

And you gave me so much shit for my notes on Valentine’s day ...

[silence]

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

Tony…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:**

Steve…?

[breath] 

H….hey. You look…. wow, the uh, the suit is really working for you, shit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Just a-- I’ll come down to you.

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

You … wow, with the backlighting, and the coming down the stairs. Is that really you? Your hair -- and your beard, wow.

God.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] 

Tony. 

[breath]

God. 

[footsteps] 

Come here.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [slow footsteps] 

I missed you.

I …. 

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] 

We’re not doing that again. Never doing that again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

[sniff]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you-- Tony. It’s alright. It’s...everything’s alright.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not. I owe you an apology. I owe you a lot of apologies. 

I wasn’t sure you’d give me the chance to make them.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I ran away. I shouldn’t have run. It doesn’t matter now, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You weren’t running -- I just assumed you were, and didn’t let you correct me. I make everything about me.

Your letter made me think, maybe I had a chance of...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A chance of what? Does this mean you’ll take me back? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] Do you even need to ask?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Considering our history of communication errors, it couldn’t hurt.

[silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] This is me asking, then. Will you take me back? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** A million times. Kiss me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Gladly.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groaning]

God. I missed you so much. I just kept thinking, what if something happened to you and the last thing I’d done was make such a complete ass out of myself, what if I never got to touch you again or wake up to your ridiculous french toast --

[inaudible]

I can’t believe you did this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

We said we’d go to the Met when I got back. You want a tour? It’s all ours. The whole museum. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Well, we also said we’d go to Hawaii, but you got all frowny at me when I offered to buy you an island…

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s all right now. You can be your goddamn ridiculous self anytime you want.

[inaudible]

Buy me an island. Buy me four. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] What are _you_ gonna do with four islands??

[kiss]

What changed your mind? You don’t want to be a kept man. I don’t want that either.

You and I, we’re equals, that’s why we work. The money shouldn’t mean anything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know that. After...everything that happened, how you handled everything while I was away. I understand that now. It doesn’t mean anything; that’s why it’s all right.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

It just seems so sudden. You’re sure. You’re not just doing this because you want to make up for the whole leaving-but-not-leaving-me-running-away-and-almost-dying-twice-in-South-America thing? This is actually something you want?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It makes you happy. Everything else seems...a lot less important, now. It’s not sudden, Tony. I’ve had weeks to think about it. Weeks without you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want you to do this just because it makes me happy, I want it to make you happy. Maybe not an island - but we could go on that vacation? Hawaii, finally? Do a week and then invite the team out. See if Barton can really surf.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] He didn’t do too badly flying that plane. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I picked one I knew he could fly, genius. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So...Hawaii? Finally? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Suntan oil, mai tais, you, me...

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Who needs the fucking mai tais or the suntan oil? Anywhere. Anywhere you want. 

[inaudible]

I’m sure.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

It’d be fun. We could go for a week or two. Then fly the team in -- bill SHIELD -- it’d be fantastic, can you imagine Thor at a luau? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] Strewn with leis, rescuing the apple from the pig’s mouth? Or whatever fruit they have in Hawaii. Better than it would have been if we’d gone in November, hmm? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Infinitely. [smooch]

Are you sure you wanna do this tour thing? You know I’m hopeless at art. [rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] We’re not doing art. We’re going to go look at the armor. Come on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That -- they have armor at the Met?

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Jesus, Tony, an entire hall full. Didn’t you grow up here?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Exactly. I think we turned up here on a fifth grade field trip? I’ve been to the Statue of Liberty once, too. I’m a decent New Yorker.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

You’re a perfect New Yorker. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

Did you get whomped upside the head or something down there? I ran away to California as soon as the getting was good.

New York felt like my dad’s town until the Avengers came along.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re a perfect _everything_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

This was a terrible idea. I don’t know how I thought we’d make it down the hall.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** This was all your idea. What happened to your tactician’s bra-- 

Oooooooh, gauntlets….

[footsteps, shifting]

This is -- who the fuck would structure a wrist joint that way? Honestly. I scrapped that style of joint with mark IV.

[footsteps] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] I thought you’d like this. It’s...it’s like all your ancestors, on display, in one room. Mark negative-seventy-thousand.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I did use medieval armor as a template in the original run. I mean. That and like, Gundams.

I hate museums. Shit like this wasn’t meant to be behind glass - armor is made to be worn, and touched, and improved upon...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sure you could shut down security and try it on. If you wanted to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...Or you could shut down security and try me on. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Steve Rogers, you’ve grown a wild side...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The entire world’s seen us naked in an elevator; it can hardly hurt to pin you up against eighteenth century armor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I figured you’d be all _oh, Tony, but they’re priceless artifacts…_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re meant for battle; I think they can take a little manhandling.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… it’s not that I don’t want to, but I figured we’d take it slow this time around -- you know, just be ourselves. Try to figure out how the new shapes fit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

We know how they fit, don’t we? 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] Is that why you rented this place? To cram me up against eighteenth century armor?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I was hoping to do a little more than _cram_ you...I missed you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] Ha…. I could just… 

[inaudible] Divert and loop the feeds, maybe… let me get my phone, I can crack this shit in my sleep.

[inaudible]

[shifting]

Jesus, people, blow up my phone why don’t you… hang on, Steve. Ray -- and Nat…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony...Tony, turn it off. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I have nine messages. They may need us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No one’s called me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** … well, you did run away to South America...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told them we might meet them for drinks later. I didn’t tell them where we’d be. If it’s an emergency, they’ll try me next....Please. Just...just for tonight? I haven’t seen you in-- I want you to myself. 

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… I hate being without my tech.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Please? No distractions? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** …..

Fine. I want to do this right. Starting something new.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Putthe old behind us? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. It sounds nice, doesn’t it? Here, before I do, let’s get a little privacy working.

[tapping]

Feeds are looped. You should have timed that shit, I’m a master.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know you are. 

[inaudible]

[rustling] 

Can I...security’s off? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [panting] Yeah. [smooch, inaudible] Yeah. One set of hot, semi-public sex photos is entirely enough.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God. 

[inaudible]

The things I want to do to you…

[rustling]

[unzipping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [moaning] We have time. Let’s -- mmm, let’s -- [laugh] -- do them all.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

[rustling, fabric falling to floor, soft groaning] 

I don’t know if there’s enough time in the world for that, but I’ll do my best. 

[inaudible] 

Here, let me…

[footsteps moving together]

[armor clanking, laughter]

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] Shit, that codpiece is _cold._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [chuckle] Here. Better? 

[inaudible] 

[fabric rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck, fuck, you’re so -- I missed this shit like a starving man misses filet mignon, _Steve_ \--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I missed you like Captain Fucking America misses Iron Man. 

[inaudible] 

Let me...loosen your tie, yes?

[rustling, smooching] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm - yeah, well, see if you can get past the Eldredge knot. [groan] 

[smooch, bite]

[laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nnggh...The what? The…

[rustling] Like this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunt] No! [choked laughter] You’ve got it backwards, here, let me…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] What, am I pulling too hard? 

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [gagging] St--

[clanging, thrashing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling]

[thump, clang]

Good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking]

[whispering] What are you doing --? I ca--can’t --

[wheezing breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] 

What’s the matter, Tony? Too tight? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [wheezing stops]

[thrashing]

[wrenching] Hrrrgh--

[metallic thunking against flesh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [yell] 

[moan]

[stumbling steps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing] Much as I ….appreciate your dick, you left … [cough] yourself wide open, there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fuck. You fucking-- 

[groan]

[laugh] Are you _wearing_ the exhibit?

[smash, clang, metallic knuckles creaking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing, gasping]

[feet scrambling, metal clanging]

 _You_ suggested I try it on, asshole. 

[grunting, metal scraping] 

Not my gauntlet of choice, but it’ll do in a pinch.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smack] For how long, though? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Long enough to get a word in edgewise. [panting] You’re …. not yourself, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [grunt, thud, thump] 

[chuckle] I’m not Steve at all. You don’t understand, do you? 

[smack, thud] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [thrashing, scuffling]

Whoever you are, get the fuck off of me. [panting] 

You don’t want to do this, Steve, I know you’re-- [groan] --in there. You don’t want to hurt me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

[smooch] 

Hurting you is _exactly_ what I have in mind. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [panting] _Fuck you_. Give him back _now._

[clanging, tussling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [thwack of metal against flesh] 

You can’t have him. You’ll _never_ have him. 

The beauty of the Serpent Crown is, if anyone-- _anyone_ holds onto it long enough, they’re going to have an uncontrollable urge to put it on. 

[smack] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunt, splattering blood]

[choked breathing] You -- when??

[scuffling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] What, you think a sword is going to help you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [thrashing, metal thwacking into flesh] 

I don’t need to cut you, I just need to slash your pockets --

[plastic clattering on tile, footsteps]

\--and take your _fucking phone._

[running footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [grunt, growl, slam] 

[running paces] 

You’re fucking _dead_ , Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [running footsteps, panting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [clang] 

Oh. By the way. Look what I found. I think vibranium can cut through your little sword. 

[grunt] 

[metal whirring through air] 

[grunting, skidding]

[running footsteps]

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh, footsteps] 

What do you think you’re running from? Do you actually think you can get away? 

[footsteps, door clicking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, frantic tapping]

Jarvis, are you with me? I’m in the Met, I need you to find me a fucking panic room in the Met, fallout shelter, something -- I need armor--

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Sir, there has been a security breach at the Stark house, the armor isn’t--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What_??

You’ve gotta make this happen. I need armor, J, Steve is compromised. Steve is fucking--

[door clanging]

Shit --

[running footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your armor won’t get here in time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [running footsteps]

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you going to try to kill me? You do realize what that means. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t need to kill you.

[steps]

How long have you had him?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, do you think I’m going to give you that satisfaction? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** When he lost contact at the air strip, right? That makes sense. The crown tempts people into wearing it, he was alone -- or maybe Madame Hydra somehow activated it. You’re not wearing it now, though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t need to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [step]

The controller. Someone is contr--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [running steps, slamming] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunting, gasping]

Steve. I know you’re in there. You have to -- 

[groan] [rustling]

\-- fight it --

[grunting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not your precious computer, Stark. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Let’s see--

[metal clanking]

\--how you take--

[foamy explosion]

\--a fire extinguisher to the face--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [yelling, spitting, stumbling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [frantic tapping] Pick up pick up pick up...

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Cap? What’s your--_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You fucking-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hissing] Nat. Cap’s compromised. Met. _Now._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** \--Bastard!

[slam]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Museum or Opera, Stark?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [yelp, footsteps] Christ, the museum, the fucking art museum! 

It’s the crown. It’s the crown. The fat lady’s winding up for her big finale, so make it fucking quick, Legal! I can’t hold for long against the shield.

[thrashing, grinding of metal on metal]

And -- follow up on Hawke--uurgh--

[gasping, sputtering]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _On our way. Bringing mixed metaphors. Sit tight._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunt, shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You shouldn’t have done that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh, spitting] You know I never behave.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Then do you want to decide which one of us is going to be dead by the time they show? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

[breathing]

Steve. You don’t want this. Come on, sugarplum, you’ve got to--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s exactly what I want. [rustling, click] 

It makes sense, but it’s such a disappointment that they don’t keep the firearms in the exhibit loaded.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [wheezy laugh] BYOB - bring your own bullet.

Put the gun down, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What do you think happens if a bullet enters a super soldier’s brain? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re not going to do that. Give me the gun. Step back. Steve Rogers doesn’t let people use his brain for a fucking playground, _fight it, Steve._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Somebody’s read too many comic books. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not talking about the fucking character.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Neither am I. I’m talking about your touching little ‘fight it’ speech. There’s no one here to fight. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

I know that man, dickbrain. He’d want you to kill him over any alternative -- you’re just giving him what he wants. And what happens to you when he goes down? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Someone else wears the crown. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think that’s what you’re after, even now. I think you think I’ll offer to wear your fucking tiara if you put Steve’s life on the line.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it would be a shame to waste his life, wouldn’t it, after it took so long for him to get it back? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It would be - but Steve Rogers would rather be dead than compromised.

I’m not offering. I trust Steve to get us out of this, and the Avengers to melt that fucking magical party hat down for scrap.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think you’ll find it a little more difficult to destroy than that. And a little more difficult to resist. 

Let’s see. Oh. It’s much more fun to see the look on your face when the gun’s pointed at me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stop it. Don’t -- don’t you fucking dare --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Word of advice, Mister Stark. 

[scrambling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Your Steve doesn’t exist anymore.

[bang] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** STEVE!

[crash] 

[body hitting the floor] 

{Saving…}


	630. New York's most Hallowed Spoils of War

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 40°46'46.8"N, 73°57'47.6"W, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION:I Don’t Want to Set the World On Fire--The Ink Spots]

[thunderous footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** What foul play has been wrought here?!

[running footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing, staggering] Thor ---??

God, Steve, no, no, no-- oh.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I have wrested this firearm from his hand, friend Tony, and Mjolnir shall keep him immobile. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [gun clicking, disassembling]

[parts clattering to the floor, skittering away]

Fuck. Thor, you’re a sight for sore eyes. 

I hope that doesn’t leave a mark -- he’s gonna want that body back, eventually. Where’s --

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps] Right here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \--There’s.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark. [rustling] Your status? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...must look pretty miserable if you’re willingly hugging me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I spoke to Steve when they got to Newark; he left Clint with an entire team of SHIELD agents to bring in Viper and the Crown, took Ray to medical, and said he was going to see you.

I got a report a half-hour ago that Viper literally vanished. She was armed; blew out the tires on the entire SHIELD convoy, grabbed the Crown, and disappeared. Actually disappeared. Steve was suddenly off the grid, you weren’t answering your calls. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I was a little wrapped up. Once everyone checked in with me I wasn’t exactly paying attention to my calls.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I-- Clint’s trying to get up here as fast as he can. Rachel’s patched up; I told her to stay where she was, but god knows if she’ll listen.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** God. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan] What-- how-- release me this instant!!!!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmmmm, how ‘bout, no.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Friend Steve, you have been pinned by the strength of Mjolnir, only the worthiest of hearts may lift it! Stay down and I shall not strike again; such conflict brings me no joy!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [hiss] You shall rue this day, Son of Odin. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Neither Friend nor Steve, then! Be you the demon, Set?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am a GOD, fool!

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I did treat with your brother, Osiris.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He is no brother of mine.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I have had this conversation time and time again with my own beloved sibling. Perhaps you would do well to learn from each other. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groans] Oh my god, did I really just make out with an Egyptian deity only to have my hijacked date transformed into Family Therapy hour? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Ah, but I have it on good account this is no deity. He has been disowned and uninvited from all family functions by the royal decree of the Eternal Kingdom. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Somehow that doesn’t make this less fucking _ridiculous_ , Thor, are you even listening to yourself--

[breathing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Status_ , Stark. What happened?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [groaning] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve’s under the influence of the Serpent Crown. Consider him _extremely_ fucking hostile - he tried to strangle me, and shoot himself. Well, his host.

[hair ruffling]

Don’t worry, Steve. We’ll get you outta there. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [hiss, teeth snapping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Or, uh. Him outta there.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I despise seeing our dear friend and brother so debased; I struggled mightily in the bed of the ancient Nile, searching for the token that might counteract this nefarious hold.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** And? You brought the-- this is the sock-drawer scarab? The one that’s supposed to counteract the powers of the crown?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Verily, dear friend. I have been wearing it as a necklace, for my dearest Jane says it brings out the blue in my eyes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Of course she does.

It looks similar to the ring, but -- I fucking hate magic. 

Another solid name for my autobiography.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t tell Stephen Strange about that one. 

What do we do with it? Will it just...cure him? Clint says Viper has the ring. If we need it...

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Unfortunately, once vanquished by my mighty hand, the protector of the scarab disintegrated into the dust of ages and became one with the sands of the desert, the kingdom of Osiris disappeared from my sight, and I was left alone without guidance. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can we just like, put it on him? How does it work?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You might try. Little good though it may do you. Will you not listen? Your friend is dead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Me thinks the creeper-demon doth protest too much.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [struggling] Remove this...repulsive weapon! 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [laughter] I think not, cur, and still your tongue before you insult the great Mjolnir. I would slit it in two, if it belonged to you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [hiss] I’m glad no one’s ever had to do that to me. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I would not attempt it, were he merely a warrior of average strength. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Speaking of strength, he seems to be back at 100% -- the way he was slinging that shield at me looked like his usual skill. Either the presence of Set is granting him physical strength, or the crown affected the damaged serum somehow.

So a scarab, it’s… where’s the on button? Does it need to be worn?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Here, Man of Iron.

[shifting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. Well, that’s the most obvious tactic, so let’s try process of elimination. if all else fails, we’ll fucking feed it to him.

[thumping on pavement, scraping, thrashing]

Shit. Can you get his arm while I slip it over his head? And watch the teeth --

[thrashing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [growl] I told you it would be of no use. There is… _no way_ to retrieve him. Pathetic. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Gotta say, I’m a little tempted to tape your mouth shut, asswipe--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oooh, excellent idea, Stark. 

[tape ripping] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t you-- mmmfff…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s done. So the scarab didn’t work. What do we do now? 

**STARK.Jarvis:** [tinny phone speakers] Sir, I’ve indexed all available information on the Serpent Crown, arranged by relevance. Some of this may be useful to you and the team.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hit me up, big boy.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** The Crown allows the ancient being Set-- sometimes referred to as a god, sometimes as a demon-- to inhabit the mind of the wearer. The link between the wearer and Set is not broken even when the crown is removed. Set’s chief goal-- and this will come as no surprise-- is domination of the human race. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Domination of the human race. Why is it always domination of the human race?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Because gods are morons. I swear, these supernatural beings should spend some time around us before they decide to dominate us. It’s not fucking worth it. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I should say some of you are quite prized in my esteem. Set’s royal brother regaled me with tales of Set’s exile, told me that he has traveled the Earth now for many years, under many guises. Perhaps...

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Set, the Serpent God, the Serpent King...clearly not particularly creative with the nomenclature, Your Highness. Apep. The Lernaean Hydra. He was said to birth a race of beings called...quite originally, the Serpent Men. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** And of course, the mighty serpent, exploited as a symbol of HYDRA! So these two mighty foes have joined forces 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** This whole gods-and-demons thing reeks of total bullshit - there could be something technical to the crown, or it could be a perfected form of the neurotoxins we’ve seen HYDRA use before. I just -- _Set?_ Really?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** MMph!! 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I don’t know, Stark-- when I was hit with the toxin, I still believed I was me. What else have you got, Jarvis? 

**STARK.Jarvis:** The last recorded sighting of the Crown on Earth was in 1920, when an explorer on Captain Leonard McKenzie’s arctic expedition attempted to wear the Crown. The Crown was then lost; however, Sir, your father reported that HYDRA was searching for it in the oceans around South America in the 1940s. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did you find in his records any mention of how Mom got ahold of the ring?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** There are unfortunately no precise records beyond the fact that we know the Black Widow was certainly assigned to seek out the Serpent Crown at the height of the Cold War, for use by the Soviets. 

The ‘controller,’ as it is referred to, is merely a piece of the Crown which appears to have been dismantled, preventing the use of the artifact. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hiss] I figure if there were anything in there about shutting it off, you’d have brought it up first. So … she found it -- or maybe dad found it. 

Natasha, how’d you bring Barton back around in New York?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I smacked him in the head until he blacked out. 

[silence] 

I know how-- Howard followed her. He’d been looking for the Crown; she had better intel. He’s the one who convinced her to keep the pieces apart. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _How do you know that?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What, did you think the founder of SHIELD and the Black Widow met on a blind date? Single white spy seeks same for intrigue, long walks on beach, occasional garroting? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But how do _you_ know?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] 

Later, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...

I know it’s not the time for this, but if you have records, if you have anything about her before she… 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** There aren’t any print records, Stark. 

He beat her to the location where the Nazis had hidden the Amber Room. _That_ rightfully belonged to the Russians. By the time she got there, it was gone. She wanted another shot at him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The Amber Room? You think my dad had something to do with the disappearance of the Amber Room?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s irrelevant to the matter at hand. We need to work on getting Steve back. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...fine. Fine. But when we have a minute I -- I’d really like to have a conversation on this topic. If you’re… not opposed.

So they broke it up ostensibly to limit its ability to convince people to put it on, and put a continent between the two pieces. Hydra finally got their hands on both parts, slapped them back together, and let Steve try it on.

Great.

J, what’s the armor status?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** The armor has been deployed -- I believe. Communication functions appear to be damaged, perhaps in conjunction with the security issues, sir. I honestly have concerns about--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Security issues? What security issues? The alarm didn’t go off; I would have known. HYDRA didn’t get past your system, did they? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** They shouldn’t have been able to. The guards on duty check in every half hour -- have they kept up with their confirmations, Jarvis? If not, consider the situation escalated to level five.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** A connection to HYDRA is unlikely. It’s possible that the readings were an error in the new sensor arrays Mr. Stark installed in the labs at the Mansion house as per Mr. Stone’s advice; they reported no breach of outer perimeters, though they do signal that the armor was moved from its housing at 8:43 pm. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck’s sake -- and the backup armor?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Your secondary suit is still in production. You require a replacement after the incident over Lake Titicaca, sir.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right, compromised suit means I’m calling for backup. [tapping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not compromised. Not -- it’s unconfirmed.

[muttered] This is going to be an expensive night…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Think of it this way: Bruce will feel a million times better about New Year’s. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [tapping] This is Widow. We need backup at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. As soon as possible. First floor. Just...remind the ground teams not to destroy any art? Yes. No, I don’t want a repeat of the Louvre. Fucking Gnostic cults. That’ll do. Right. The Temple in the Sackler Wing. On my way. 

[footsteps]

Hill’s sending a team in; I told her we’d meet at the temple-- easy access point. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You get that, Thor? We’re gonna have to move your hammer.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** But of course! This temple - the doorway of stone in the southernmost chamber? By the pool and windows? Tis my dear Jane’s favorite trophy within these walls. I shall take him by hand and hammer and haul him thusly.

[groaning]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Easy -- easy. Just be, you know. Gentle.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Fear not, Man of Iron. Your lover is under my charge; I will cage him in this grand temple. 

[grunting, sliding]

My lovely Jane, she tells me it is dedicated to the family of Set’s dearest brother, Osiris, my newfound friend of Egypt. I thought, perhaps, the power of opposing kin might neutralize the threat … in my own experience, it is often so.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just… yeah okay, there are a lot of issues there I don’t really want to touch with a ten foot pole, Thor old buddy. 

Let’s see...

 **ODINSON.Thor:** If you might retrieve the good Captain’s shield, friend Tony...we should not leave it unguarded.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Absolutely not. Let’s see if we can dislodge it from the wall, where it… _lodged, after so nearly severating my skull from my--_

 **ODINSON.Thor:** ‘Sevarating?’ [laugh] Oh, Midgardian language _is_ the stuff of comedy, friend Tony. Need you help dislodging it there?

[shifting, grunting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, no. I have it.

[rushed footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [struggling, groaning, tape ripping] Ah. Ow. Ah. Thor? Why...what…? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Until your mind is sound, Captain, you must remain under my guard, though regret it I certainly do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What are you talking about? Where-- where are we? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** The great halls of New York’s most hallowed spoils of war; the art and statuary of a thousand conquered nations.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The great halls of...what? What are you...Thor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh] He means the Met.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Tony. 

God. Tony...I…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just -- don’t. [shifting]

Maybe you guys should handle this. I’m not sure I’m -- going to be that useful.

[pacing footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? _Tony?_ Tell Thor this isn’t necessary--Where’s-- where’s my shield? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stop. Listen. If you’re you, just listen.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course I’m me-- why won’t _you_ listen? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** As mighty as your skills of deception may prove on the screen or stage, your efforts hold no candle to those of my reckless brother. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Deception? I’m not-- Thor, it’s _me_. I’m terrible at lying! Thor, if you would only put me down...

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Were you truly yourself, you would know my efforts are born of necessity.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Necessity, my--

[crash, glass shattering and flying] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [footsteps, growling] YOU!

[footsteps, shouting, gunfire, crashing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why, _why_ did we pick the one room in the fucking museum with an entire wall made of windows?!

 **HYDRA.Madame:** I’m sorry, I’m so bad with names. Was it Hagar or Asterix? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Your words are mighty, but it is a physical challenge I crave.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** But I see you won’t fight your ally. Do you…

[gunfire] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [shots pinging off metal]

[running footsteps]

Mjolnir, to me!

[whooshing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** No, wait -- 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [BAMF]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She VANISHED. She fucking vanished. Just like Clint said. That’s not in her file. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [slamming]

[feet skidding]

Show yourself, foul wench!

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [footfalls] 

[whirring] 

Behind you, big boy. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [grunt, heaving]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [scrambling] 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [growl]

[splash] 

[snarl] 

[thump] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Hrrrruaaaaaah! 

[staggering footstep]

Fine, if magic is afoot - 

[electricity crackling]

[glass exploding]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [shriek] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [metal scraping against stone, growl, running footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Stay down, Captain, I do not wish to harm you further! [whooshing, metal against metal]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [grunt, rubber skidding against stone] I’m-- 

[clash]

Afraid we’re at cross-purposes, then. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, Nat -- he’s gonna get that body killed!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps] 

[electrical charge]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cry of pain, stumbling, splashing] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Not anymore. 

[tapping] 

This is Widow. Where the fuck is our backup? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The presence of the crown fucked with Steve’s communicator in Chile, it could have similar effects here… magical interference, I suppose. Jarvis, we -- 

Christ, Thor! Don’t fucking fry my boyfriend! Ex! Steve! Ex-Steve!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** God, you two are confused. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re telling me.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My apologies, Man of Iron, I will endeavor not to strike anything vital.

This pains me, Captain; though perhaps not so much as it will pain you...

[electricity crackling]

[many footsteps, shouting, gunfire] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark, stay back ‘til you’ve got armor. Here’s a gun. I’ve got to-- Listen, we’ve got at least-- twenty-- I need fucking backup. 

[tapping] 

[gunfire] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t ask me to--

[gunfire]

\-- ffff, wow, yeah, that’s definitely a real gun--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shout] 

[thrashing] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:**

[gunfire] 

Darling? Darling, we need you. Yes. Met. If you don’t-- no. Yes. And get Jim, too. No, no, that’s okay, I know Carol has to make nice with SHIELD, she can hold down the fort, but-- yes. Soon. Love you.

[gunfire] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunting] 

Shit. Don’t let them damage the temple!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Temple comes after humans, Stark. God, you sound like your father. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I -- [silence] -- need that temple. Possibly. For _my_ human.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [splashing, wet footsteps] 

You clearly can’t take two of us at once, can you? [whip in air] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [groaning]

Do not mistake me for some child playing with his father’s hammer - I am Thor, son of Odin!

[whip cracking]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [snarl] 

What was that again? 

[gunfire, advancing footsteps, shouting] 

[laughter] 

[BAMF] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [pained grunt]

[footsteps, swinging, air whooshing]

[ground rumbling]

[glass shattering explosively]

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [monstrous roar]

[water sloshing]

[tile cracking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?_

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** THOR, YOUR CAT IS GIGANTIC.

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Aaaaand has horns. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** KNUT THE VIKING CHIEFTAIN!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT YOUR FELINE BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO ASSIST US!

 **LEOPARDS.Snow:** [roaring] 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [growling, air whooshing, paws splashing through fountains]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh for fuck’s sake, I know those horns.  
[gunfire]

[screaming, claws scrabbling, stone ripping]

Fuck, I hate guns. And leopards. Are leopards endangered? Can you shoot an endangered--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t shoot the fucking leopards. They’re apparently on our side. 

[snarling, clawing]

 **FROGS.Assorted:** [hopping, ribbiting] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** ...And so are the frogs. 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [gunfire] Go after the fucking cat!

[gunfire]

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [snarling, wet splatter, bones crunching]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh for -- ugh, that’s dis _gusting_...

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My friends, I may have neglected a few details about my adoption of Knut….

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [lip smacking]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, the eight legged kittens did give me pause. 

Thor, your family sucks.

 **MACAQUE.Japanese:** [shrieking, clawing] 

[gunfire]

[shrieking]

[gun clattering, screaming]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [tapping] Yes. Cancel that backup request. Situation is...No, under control is not how I would put it. 

[ribbiting]

[roaring]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, contained wouldn’t be the word, either. Just cancel it. I beg you. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [slamming, grunting, splashing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Did Knut invite the fucking zoo?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Her true name is not, as I once believed, Knut The Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinson. It has been some time since I realized that the small creature I had taken in was in fact--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t tell us. Your _fucking_ brother. 

[gunfire]

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [roaring]

[rip of claws through flesh]

[purring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You told us he was dead!

[gunfire]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Since when is anyone around here actually dead, Stark? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I thought he was myself, for a time. Indeed, few souls - Son of Coul comes to mind - escape the mad dash that is our glorious Team. 

[slamming, grunting, body hitting the floor]

It is my brother, Loki Laufeyson, and his strange eight-legged get my brethren. 

[gunfire, screaming, cats growling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you’re expecting us to just blindly trust a man-- er. Cat-- who tried to destroy our planet? 

[gunfire] 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** Meow. 

[snarling, claws tearing flesh]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My brother has sworn a fraternal vow to assist me in the protection of my dearest friends-- which I am assured he shall keep, for he has been accidentally fixed in his feline form and requires my assistance to return to his proper self. 

[gunfire]

Should he be in breach of my trust, he shall remain in this shape. 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [teeth crunching bone] 

Mrrroow. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I tell you once more, brother, it was quite by accident, and I did not employ in any way the sorcery of Bastet.

[gunfire, clang, crash]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jesus christ. That means those kittens are like your -- nephews? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** And niece. The Lady Sif Foster-Odinsson is now heiress to our kingdom, should I not sire my own child.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… wow. Okay.

Clint is gonna be _so_ pissed. 

[crashing, footsteps]

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [snarling, snapping]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [laughter] 

[BAMF] 

[footfalls] 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [claws scraping, leaping, ceiling tiles falling]

 **HYDRA.Madame:**

[echoing footsteps on glass rooftop]

So you released those animals from the zoo? Those poor, poor animals, whom I’m about to…

[click, hiss]

[object hurling through air] 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnuttheVikingChieftain:** [howling, snarling]

[arrows hissing through the air]

[thwok thwok thwok]

[screaming, bodies falling to the floor]

[arrows hissing through the air]

[thwok thwok thwok thwok thwok]

[screaming, bodies falling to the floor]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [running footsteps]

Steve -- you still with me, compadre?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have a fucking _hammer_ on my arm, you pathetic human, what does it look like? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] Whine about it a little, why  
don’t you. Concussed? Bleeding? I have a vested interest in that hot bod.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [spitting] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Blech. I always did prefer a swallower.

[object hitting floor, hissing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’ll be gas. Shame, and you without a mask.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Fuck_ \-- [scrambling footsteps]

[arrow hissing through air] 

[arrow piercing metal]

[metal skidding across stone] 

[splash]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hell of a shot, Hawk-- alright, this is just getting ridiculous, who the fuck are _you?_

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** It’s Kate! Now clear out of the way of my shot! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Kate? As in Becky’s assistant?_ You’re a super archer -- ??

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** _SUPERIOR_ archer, thank you. CLEAR THE SHOT, MR. STARK. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [hitting the ground]

[arrows hissing through air] 

[thwok thwok thwok]

[shouting, bodies falling to the ground]

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** THANK YOU! [smooching sounds] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Draw them away! I’ll unscramble Steve!

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** On it! 

[arrow hissing through air] 

[thwok]

[distant roaring, growling]

[distant shouting, gunfire] 

[monkeys chattering]

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Sir, the--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A’right. Jarvis?

[glass shattering]

[repulsors firing, slowing]

[armor landing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, thank god.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You-- you can manage this from here, Stark? I can go help Kn-- uh. Loki. 

Fuck. Clint’s going to shoot the cat. He _said_ he was going to shoot the cat. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Can you blame him? 

You know, I’m pretty sure that furry fucker watched me shower. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps, tapping] 

Me again. Can you…there’s actually a, uh, situation with some animals. Might be more your cup of tea. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [bzzzzt] _Yeah?_

_.....alright. I’m coming in._

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Thanks. Love you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** _Love you, too._

[tapping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Chopper’s out back -- security should be able to fly him out.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Right. I’m going after Viper. Call if you need me. 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

[heavy breathing] Okay. Okay, now it’s just you and me - _armor_ , assemble.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Sir, I’m reading--

[hydraulics hissing]

[mask flipping open]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Nice auto-pilot feature, Tony. 

What happened to your boyfriend? 

{Saving…}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey, look, it's everyone's favorite creepy ex! 
> 
>  
> 
> [Have some Ty-centric prequel fic, courtesy of Tea!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2141799)


	631. He played our song

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 40°46'46.8"N, 73°57'47.6"W, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION:I’d Know You Anywhere--Glenn Miller And His Orchestra]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Tiberius Fucking Stone, _what the ever-loving fuck are you doing in my armor._

[footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Don’t be angry just because it looks better on me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Get. The fuck. Out. Of my suit.

[swearing]

[catches clicking, helmet releasing]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Mmmm, I love it when you manhandle me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Then you’re gonna love this. 

[fist striking flesh]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [stumbling footsteps]

[clank]

Tony! What the--

[clanking] 

You-- you…

[stumbling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You broke into my fucking house and _stole my fucking armor._

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You hit me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re damn fucking right I hit you! I nearly died. _Steve_ nearly died, and you’ve fucking compromised my fucking suit?! 

**STONE.Tiberius:** But you let Rhodey do it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** What the _fuck_ are you thinking --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You owed me a ride! I stopped by. You weren’t home. Since I built your security system, I figured you wouldn’t mind if I just overrode the--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shoving, scraping]

Done. We’re fucking done, you and me. Done. 

[latches releasing, hissing, hinges creaking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You...you hit me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And I’ll do it again if you put up a fight, prick.

Release authorization Eta-Zed-seven-seven-nine.

[hissing]

[magnetic whirring, Mjolnir whooshing away]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, that was holding St--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [thunk, clang, stumbling] 

What the hell was that-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck -- get down, you stupid son of a bitch. GIVE ME THAT GAUNTLET.

[gauntlet clicking into place, scrambling feet, footstep]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groan, splashing, staggered footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Well, you don’t have to shout, Tony. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But he’s so good at it. 

[footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shut your mouth and stay behind me, Ty.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** What the hell is going on? Why are we in the Museum? Why is it wrecked? I’m supposed to have a fundraiser next month; if I have to find another venue--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [metal scraping stone] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t move.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Or what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

I have a repulsor aimed at your throat. 

I _will_ fucking use it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, dear, I’m terrified. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Are you...wearing my underpants, Tony? Etiquette? Silk? With the mother-of-pearl buttons? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

I know Steve Rogers is in there, and I know he’d rather die than let you stick around.

So say goodbye.

[repulsor whine, two short blasts]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shout] 

[splash, thunk] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Ooh, ouch. There goes his head. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [teeth grinding] Stone, with me. Get his feet. Haul him into the temple.

[footsteps, splashing, wet squelching across stone]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You never play that rough with me. 

[two small splashes, grunting] 

Are we doing some kind of ritual magic now, too, Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** If that’s what it takes. [scraping, thumping]

Stand back. 

[metal scraping]

The shield stays with me.

[clicking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** ...You’re serious.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jarvis, any word or are we flying blind? Please tell me you figured out some kind of klaatu verata nikto bullshit.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** You may watch too many films, sir. If there are any oral incantations associated with rituals of purification, they’re lost to time. Given that you’ve already placed the scarab talisman around his neck, the effects might multiply once he’s within the confines of the temple...perhaps it it is closer to his skin...

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustling]

[buttons unbuttoning]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m with your AI on this. Tony, you’ve definitely watched “The Mummy” too many times, at very least. 

[thump, footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [quietly] Sorry, Steve. That had to have hurt. Let me… 

[low whirring hums]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [groaning] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath, scrambling]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** ...Right. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [scream] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve -- !! 

[footsteps] [knees hitting the ground]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [panting, yell, gasp] 

[flesh striking flesh, groaning]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [staggering, spitting]

Fffuck--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** SHOW YOURSELF, OR-- 

[heavy breathing] 

Where the hell--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [repulsor whining]

I’ll shoot you. God help me, I’ll fucking shoot you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

[breath] 

...Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] 

[panting]

Don’t... move. Just don’t.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Tony. Wh-what? What just- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [panting, wet smearing]

[breathing]

If you’re really you, you should know you’ve been compromised. You’re in New York. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m-- How. No. I-- I can’t-- _What_? Tony. Tony, you're...oh, god, I hit you, I--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You put on the Serpent Crown.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I-- no. How-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You did.

You were - are -- possessed - by an Egyptian deity. You flew here and tried to kill me. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Well, that’s a busy schedule…

[shifting]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you remember anything? Prove to me. Prove to me you’re you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was just-- in the-- woods. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ty. Armor off.

_Now._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why is Tiberius Stone wearing your-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He was trying to steal it --

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I was trying it on! I would have put it right back! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** \-- but the autopilot engaged and brought his worthless ass here inside it. 

**ARMOR. OFF.**

**STONE.Tiberius:** [groan] 

[clank] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is that my System of a Down shirt? God damn it, Ty, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t repulsor you in the throat and watch you drown in the fucking fountain.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Are you joking? You still have my GNR shirt from college. 

[armor re-latching, whirring]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re...arguing about shirts. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shirts, nothing. I need intel, Steve. If you’re really you, I need you to think. Clint flew you out, you transferred in La Paz -- I need you to think. What happened next. Did you give her the crown?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t remember any of-- I was in the woods. I found Madame Hydra. She vanished, just...popped out of view, like she had some kind of cloaking device, or--

[deep breaths] 

Where's Barton? Ray? Are they...?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** We only lost track of you for a few minutes, but it was enough. She vanished after the wheels blew out on the convoy truck carrying her and Clint. Ray’s fine. Nat’s last word was that she’s at the hospital.

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony...I… _Clint_? What happened to Clint? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s on his way.

Madame Hydra is here. The team is trying to take her out. They said she was armed in the car, you must have -- 

Fuck. I _knew_ this was too easy.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [stumbling footsteps] Right. I’ll go. I-- 

I’m in a suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

We were … 

[armor hissing into place, helmet sealing]

Nevermind. It doesn’t matter.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right. Let’s go. [footsteps] I’m not sitting around if HYDRA’s in New York. Just-- give me a weapon, and I’ll-- make it work. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

Yeah, about tha-- Fuck, Stone, what did you do to my OS? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** That font is terrible for your eyes, gumdrop. And bright green on a black background, really? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know what? I think I hate you.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m concerned about your vision! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Get out of here, Stone. There are giant cats loose in Central Park. 

And frogs.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps] Cats...and frogs? I...what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Turn’s out Thor’s pregnant cat was his creepy --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [thwack, bone on metal] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [stagger]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Get-- Hell! [running footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh, no you don’t, you fucker--

[grunting, boots cracking stone]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snarl] You think you could rid yourself of me so easily?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Stone -- what the fuck are you thinking? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I don’t know! I thought I’d-- bite him or something! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Get _out_ of here - you are so fucking out of your league right now. RUN!

[tackling, groaning]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Not until we know he’s not dangerous, sweetiepie. You want me to go to the fashion exhibit and find something to tie him up with?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, good idea. 

[metal scraping, groaning]

Do that. Strongest thing you can find. [grunting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [repeated thwacking] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Back -- [shoving] -- you go. _Fuck._

[electricity crackling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [growl, stumbling footsteps] 

\--was his creepy _wha--_ fuck, my hand, what-- [hissing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shoving, slamming] Move an inch and I blow your fucking head off. You know it how much it hurts, asshole.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [thump] Oof! Tony...what-- the hell? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence, repulsor whining]

I have nothing to say to you, you lying sack of shit. Jarvis, call Nat. The ritual failed. We need Mjolnir.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Yes, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t-- what the hell would I be lying about-- Tony. You-- 

[grunt, hiss]

I think my hand’s broken. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wouldn’t surprise me. The helmet’s a titanium-gold alloy. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** When the hell did you-- helmet? What does the helmet have to do with-- You were talking about cats! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing]

You ….

….what, you lost time again? You think I’ll fall for that?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? No, you were talking about Thor’s cat and then you-- 

[silence]

Fuck. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. 

Look, I hate to pin you down with the broken hand at all, but you’ve spent the last hour trying to strangle, stab and/or beat me to death. 

If you’re not lying, and you _are_ my Steve, I’m thinking you can’t leave the temple area while the crown is active. Either way, I’m not leaving you unattended until we can pin you with Mjolnir and keep you out of harm’s way ‘til the situation’s under control.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

But. 

HYDRA. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not your problem now.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hate to object, but actually, yes. Specifically my problem. 

[distant roars]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Jarvis - any word on Thor?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** His highness is at present engaged with a squadron of Hydra agents in Grand Army Plaza. Manhattan, not Brooklyn.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck. I need -- I need containment here. I have the compromised Rogers pinned, I require assistance to keep him restrained. Dial SHIELD.

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Of course, sir.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And-- what, I’m just supposed to stay here? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shut the fuck up, Set.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** \--What? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Just, stop. You’re not fooling anyone. You’re not--

[breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t-- Tony. You’re hurting me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

If you are Steve fucking Rogers, stay here, out of the way. I’m all out of ancient-egyptian-curse-breaking-tricks, so our next best bet is to destroy the fucking crown, or figure out Thor’s fucking scarab. Just.

[breathing]

God.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thor has the scarab? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I’m -- sorry. I can’t trust you, I can’t move.

You go out there, you become their secret weapon. If you’re really Steve, I know you don’t want to kill your friends. 

You don’t want Hydra to win. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

I’ll destroy the crown. We’ll fix this.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

I...did I hurt anyone? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t know. The team -- I think they’re fine. You smashed my phone. 

Well, Set did.

[silence]

I should have realized you were compromised.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I shouldn’t have let it happen. I don’t-- I don’t remember anything. 

[silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Anything?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I told you, Tony. The woods. I remember releasing the hostages...we were on-line. You heard me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I meant -- after that. Look, I …. nevermind.

Just sit tight. I’ve called for reinforcements, you need to be restrained.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

Fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing, shifting] This… isn’t. How I wanted to …

[silence, armor creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. Tony. It’s alright. Bring it back. Let me destroy it. It’s the least I can do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

It. You mean, the crown?

I’m sorry, Steve. I don’t even know if I’m talking to _you._ I can’t make a plan when you might be compromised, as much as I wish…

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sorry. What would you want for proof, if you were me and I was possessed? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You to make me french toast? Like an idiot who doesn’t know how to crack eggs?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

He has access to your memories, Steve. He set everything up like--

[throat clearing] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Like Valentine’s day. Hell, he was playing our song when I walked in. I believed it was you. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We have a song? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

You know what? Nevermind. Just -- [hoarse laugh]

Maybe it _is_ you -- only you could be that much of an ass.

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What? Tony, I don’t know what you...you think we have a song? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, the fucking song, the one I sang to you as you were fucking dying?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How would I know what song you sang when I was unconscious? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Because you picked it!

Never fucking mind. Don’t leave the circle, dickhead. I’m gonna go save the day.

[metal creaking, clanking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fine. Let’s get to work, then. I’m going to need a comm link, or a phone, and a full rundown of the situation. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You need to just -- stay there. Don’t move, don’t … fuck with your brain chemistry or anything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, there go my plans for the night.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whatever, asshole. You tried to fucking kill me, just… 

[clanking footsteps]

I hate you so much, right now. It feels like falling in love with you all over again - you drive me fucking _crazy_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That...didn’t sound like a compliment. Get me a link so I can help you fight this fucking fight.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** ……

Will a Starkpad work? I can stream the armor’s mic, unless Ty wrecked that feature too. 

Although my bag’s in the main hall. Will you wait, if I…?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You just told me not to go anywhere or I’ll turn into a demon. Pretty sure I’m sitting right here for a while. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. Forgive me for not taking your word for it. 

[repulsors fire, suit shooting through air]

[silence]

[repulsors whirring, suit landing, cracking tiles]

Here.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re still an ass, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whatever, you love my ass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Link me to Natasha and Barton and Thor. What else have we got? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Apparently Thor’s cat was secretly his creepy fucking mass-murdering adopted kind-of-brother and he unleashed the zoo to assist us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Repeat that? It sounded like you said the cat is Loki and he unleashed the zoo.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yep. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And he’s _helping_? Why is he helping? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t fucking know, how would I know?! Maybe he’s grateful Darcy delivered his fucking creepy bestial Sleipnir kittens!

...and Natasha called in Rhodey.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] Good. That means we have one more set of armor in the field.

Enemy? Madame Hydra, and she has the Crown? How many men? Weapons? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Madame Hydra and a goon squad - we downed twelve in the museum; there have got to be enough that they’ve kept the team busy for the last eight minutes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do you know what they want? The Crown, obviously, but...they already have it. They must have an end goal. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Other than revenge on you? There’s a lot of damage to be done, subverting a national icon. But I sort of thought...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If someone who looks like me murders one civilian, SHIELD puts out a statement that seventy years in an icebox damaged my brain, they put me in maximum security prison. I’m _hardly_ the most useful person to use a trick like that on. 

Thinking strategically, you’d want to go after real power. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The kind that wants a magazine or something?

You have -- there’s more to you than that. You’re a hero. That’s a definite type of psychological terrorism. 

[silence] Maybe they didn’t anticipate you going to South America alone.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They sent me after you first. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [metallic fingers drumming] They did. But did they send you, or did you just have Tony Stark on the brain? It may not be indicative of anything.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know. I don’t remember anything. But we had the Crown the whole way back to New York and...I guess I didn’t use it on Barton or Rachel. They didn’t want to give away the game until I got to you.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** True. 

We don’t actually know whether or not it can control more than one person at once.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] We don’t. You think they’d pass up a chance to control one of the most powerful men in the world, though? 

[throat clearing]

One of the most powerful, brilliant, funniest, attractive, worst-breakfast-making--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [throat clearing] Now you’re sounding just like your evil self.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** \--arrogant, ill-mannered, bed-hogging, quarrelsome--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I _will_ leave your ass here, Rogers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But I was just getting to the good part. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _Are_ there any good parts? Look at us.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** More good than bad.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You think so?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not an opinion, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

That’s another good autobiography name. “Tony Stark: More Good Than Bad”.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You could put it on your business cards. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [throat clearing]

So if I’m the target, that’s fine. Good, even, we can use that. I need to get close to her if we’re going to play offense instead of defense. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And we’re going to have to make her think you’re an easy target. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, conveniently, I’ve already had the shit kicked out of me so I look a little worse for wear. I could rig the suit to look faulty -- maybe have the power source flickering? That might boost their confidence. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’ve got the suit now. You think you can take me, if we step outside this temple again? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** In the suit? Knowing who you’re not? 

Any day of the week.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] I’ll believe it when I see it. Any signs that bastard remembers what I say or do?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Signs point to no, but if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, we need to be sure. Test it?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting, footsteps] Be ready. 

[helmet sealing]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps] You think some...gauze from some museum exhibit is going to hold me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I told you to stay the fuck inside the temple, Steve!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] And you think I’m going to listen? To _you_? 

[thwack] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For fuck’s sake, don’t -- your knuckles -- come on, Steve. I know you’re in there. Remember what I told you--

[scuffling, metal banging, staggering steps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [thwack] Of course not. I just said I don’t list-- 

[skid, stumbling]

[breath] 

[hiss] 

That was my other hand, wasn’t it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [grunt] Yeah. 

I’m sorry, we should have wrapped them first. You want -- I have a first aid kit in my left thigh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If we’d wrapped them, he would have known exactly how long he’d lost control for. We can’t risk it. Get me Widow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are…. yeah. Alright. Jarvis?

 **STARK.Jarvis:** Yes, sir. Patching you through to Agent Romanova’s communication link.

[beep]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _[gunfire, whooshing] Right, if we can corral the monkeys in the-- Who joined the line?_

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nat, it’s me. I have Steve here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Status?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mashed up my hands, but fine. You?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Well, the NYPD arrived. And the fire department. And we’re trying to keep **them** away from HYDRA… [crash, roar] We’re down to maybe four dozen HYDRA agents...our team, the snow leopards, monkeys, frogs, and several thousand ants._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ants?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Ants. It’s terrible. Bruce is trying so hard not to squish them._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s been a weird day. Better make sure he doesn’t _ant_ agonize them.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _[crash, gunfire] Not a problem. The big guy keeps stopping to pet the leopards._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Look. I’m going to need to call you all in. I need you within proximity to the steps of the Museum. In...we’ll tell you when. Just...start shifting everyone over there? Don’t let it be obvious.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Everyone?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not the ants. Or the frogs. Everyone else. Just be careful they don’t see you coming. Natasha? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Yes?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I am going to be compromised and hostile. Do not hesitate to use force if necessary. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Understood, Captain._

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _But only if you withdraw your resignation._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Done. Rogers out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Really?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Really, what?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re -- coming back?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I left SHIELD, not the team.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not what it sounded like back in March.

I’d… be happy to have you back. We need you if privatization is gonna work. 

I need you, full stop. In any capacity you’re available.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m going to be on leave for injuries for the next month at least. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And SHIELD’s going to drag me in for a psych workup whether or not I resign. We’ll work out the rest later. We need to get--

[running footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Rope!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [sigh] --him out of here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [groan] Ty, plan’s changed.

I need you to go. You’re not safe here.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** ...You’re welcome? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And th--aaaaactually, there _is_ something else you could do for me.

[armor clasps clicking]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps] Always, babycakes.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The right gauntlet has a solder setting on the index finger. I need you to seal the helmet in the back -- do a one inch line above each shoulder. Nothing at the front. It needs to be as invisible as possible.

[metal clicking into place]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Got i...we’re _soldering you_ into the armor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yep. Steve’s hands are too big - and, uh, crunched up - for the gauntlets, and I can’t see the seam, so you have to do it.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Why, exactly, are we sealing you into the armor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, ostensibly their fucking mind control crown needs to be worn on a head. This should make mine harder to get to.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Where the… _fuck_ do you find these people, Tony?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Don’t blame me for this one - Steve picked ‘em up in South America. Are you gonna solder or not?

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I was _talking_ about Steve. 

[huff] 

[buzzing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence] We’ll fix it, you’ll see.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’ve seen you do this how many times? Do _not_ get yourself killed because you’ve got to go be a hopeless romantic. 

[buzzing stops]

Done.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not a hopeless anything.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You hurt yourself too often for people who don’t give a damn.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I give a damn. That’s enough.

I’ll be fine - and I’ll have Steve with me.

[metal clicking and slotting into place]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** That’s exactly what I’m worried about. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You need to go. I may hate your guts, but I don’t want you to get caught in the crossfire.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Call me. The minute you get out of this alive. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I told you we’re done, Ty. This has gone too far.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Then I’ll fill up your voicemail until you tell me you’re not fucking dead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You took my fucking armor _you ass_. 

I don’t owe you _anything_ \- now get the fuck out of here before you get hurt.

[footsteps]

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Fine. Kill yourself for all I care. 

[footsteps] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wait. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He can’t just saunter out of here. HYDRA getting their hands on the CEO of a media conglomerate would be just as disastrous than them getting you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stone!

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [returning footsteps] What? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They don’t know you’re here. You’re safer inside than out. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I… shit.

Sorry, Ty. He’s right.

[footsteps]

[metal clanking against flesh]

[body slumping to the ground] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony! You didn’t have to--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes, I did. You don’t know him like I do.

Also, nobody touches my fucking armor.

[rope creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Stick him in here. I doubt the Crown can broach the entryway. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You sure? I was thinking we might leave him in a dumpster out back.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Where HYDRA can find him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Alright, so it was wishful thinking.

[dragging]

[body slumping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay… I’m going to tie his arms, too. Make sure you step out over here so that the view of him is blocked by the entry wall. 

So… I guess that’s it? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] You heard what I told Natasha. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah.

Listen, if something goes wrong -- don’t beat yourself up over it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If something goes wrong, I’ll still be possessed by a demon. I doubt it’s going to be the first thing on my mind. I mean it, Tony. Do what you have to do. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I get it. But we don’t know what it’ll do when it’s free again. I just don’t want to be another albatross, alright??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If we don’t know what it’s going to do, don’t worry about how I’ll react. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Fine.

You ready?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We need to go. I-- Tony? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If I don’t come back from this? 

[silence] 

You understand what I’m trying to say? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ...huh?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I just want you to know I…

I’m sorry. About everything. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Yeah. I’m sorry too.

You’re --

You’re the most incredible person I’ve had the privilege to stand up next to. I love you, so -- so fucking much. Every fucking second I spend with you makes the bullshit in my life worth it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...dammit. [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath, groan]

[inaudible]

….mmm, come on. We have a few seconds left. Let’s use ‘em to kick some ass.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let me signal Widow.

[tapping] 

Right.

[breath] 

[inaudible] 

Go.


	632. Cosmic Power

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 40°46'46.8"N, 73°57'47.6"W, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[footsteps, sound of metal dragging, scraping, clanging down steps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [groaning]

[coughing, metal fingers clawing]

S-stop--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Still alive in there, Tin Man? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [spitting] Fuck you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, we all know that’s what you want. It could be arranged. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [clanging, hollow thump]

So now what? Drop me at your master’s feet? 

So much for phenomenal cosmic power. _Good dog._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laughter] I have no master. I only let these mortal slaves believe they are free. You want cosmic power? 

[blast]

[stones shuddering]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [scrambling, swearing] What the _fuck_ \--

[crashing] 

[gunfire]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Blasts of pure energy. Impressive, isn’t it? 

[monkeys screeching]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Not the word that immediately sprang to mind, actually. I’ve been doing the whole pure-energy-blast thing for a while, see.

[repulsor charging]

[blast]

[metal crashing against stone]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How quaint. And you need gloves for that? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [spluttering, bloody coughing]

[ribbiting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps] Careful. I need you alive. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Bl...bluuh? wh-- what do you mean?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, we wouldn’t want to damage the two-time Sexiest Man Alive, now, would we? 

[cats growling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [grunting, feet clanging on stone, metal crashing against flesh] If you think for a minute I wouldn’t die before I let you-- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let me? How precious, you act as if you still have any control. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [staggering]

[metal clanging on steps]

[footsteps]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [checking language translation databases...no match found]

[untranslatable language] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [untranslatable language]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Good evening, Mr. Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey there, Merrie. I didn’t know you were a parselmouth. 

**HYDRA.Madame:** [hissing] 

[untranslatable language] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hssshthtttthhh-- please. Can you cut the dramatic hail-HYDRA bullshit and get this over with?

Seriously. Just kill me now, it’d be far more pleasant.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [laugh] So easy, are we? Good. Take off the helmet, Mr. Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Wh-- well, you see, here’s the thing. 

[pause]

I’m not gonna do that.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Oh, aren’t you?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, apparently not. It got kind of fucked up in the fighting -- your boy’s energy blasts, see… [tapping against metal] 

Does this mean I don’t get a fun party hat?

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [untranslatable language] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [untranslatable language]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [rustling] My associate seems to think it doesn’t matter. Although I can’t say it’s a flattering fashion choice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You kidding? With the amount of shielding in this thing? Good freaking luck.

 **HYDRA.Madame:** Oh, we already have plenty of that. 

[stone clicking on metal]

Are you ready? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [growl] I was born ready.

My team will come for me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you’ll kill them. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [thrashing] [scraping]

Steve --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] You need to stop doing that. Kill him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Kill-- _kill him?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Say goodbye, Mr. Stark. 

**HYDRA.Madame:**

We don’t need his old host anymore, you see…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [growl, shout]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [click] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [whispered] Now. 

[electricity crackling]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [scream] 

[thwok thwok]

[gunfire] 

[repulsor blasts]

[more accurate yet less forceful thwoks]

[click] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _STEVE--_

[footsteps, metal connecting flesh, thwuumpf]

[stone clattering against stone]

 **HYDRA.Madame:** [panting] 

[explosion] 

[splattering flesh] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [coughing] Steve?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Please_. Why keep torturing yourself? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh, good. You’re still breathing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can fix--

[THWACK]

[slumping]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Fix that.

Alright team, secure Steve. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Now that we have laid waste to our enemy, I shall secure him once more with my trusty Mjolnir. Fear not, Man of Iron, I shall be as gentle as a nursemaid. 

[soft thump]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ve… [footsteps, metal scraping]

Got the crown.

 **RHODES.James:** [clanking footsteps]

Tony? Tony, you okay in there?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** ….wow. I’ve got the _crown_.

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** [footsteps] Be careful with that fucker, Stark. It makes your head go loopy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, I…. oh. 

That _is_ weird. It feels so…

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Kinda makes you want to wear it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** And it’s -- warm.

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [footsteps] Give it to Bruce. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m okay. It’s okay. It’s just -- 

[silence, metal joints creaking] 

Can you imagine what I could do with something like this? Its readings are off the charts. I could --

 **RHODES.James:** Tony. Let it go. 

[breath]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Brussel Sprout, do you copy? We need your incredibly incorruptible ass over here, pronto.

 **HULK.Incredible:** _Hulk copy. Hulk coming._

[shuddering footsteps]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Can you hold this for me?

 **HULK.Incredible:** Smash?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, dear. Just hold it for now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** This is kind of a co-smashing effort. Go team.

 **HULK.Incredible:** Hulk hold. Hulk careful. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay -- so I think step one is remove the controller, step two -- I have a scarab thingie and I -- do what? 

[sound of metal tinking against metal]

Fucking magic.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Fit the stone insect of old to the gleaming jewel - it appears to align with the glittering of its carapace.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** \-- oh. I guess it does.

[click]

[whirring]

[hissing]

[humming, shredding, metal splattering against stone]

 **HULK.Incredible:** Oooh…. sparkles….

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Fuck! It’s...eating it alive. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Don’t -- why is it floating?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fucking magic. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [gasp] 

[heavy breathing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps clanking on stone] 

[breath]

 **LEIGHTON.Rachel:** Steve?! Fuck-- what-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Leave him -- this happened before, when he was… fuck if I know, exorcised? 

Let me -- he’ll want to see me. He’ll remember.

[armored knees hitting stone]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [scream] 

[heavy breathing] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, sleeping beauty.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, I--

[breath]

What happened? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We won.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Fuck you, Stark. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [faceplate hissing open]

I missed you too, sugarplum.

[metal creaking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There’s something heavy on my--

[thump] 

Uh-- 

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Shit, did he just--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mjolnir? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** … huh.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Ah, Friend Steve! Only the truest hearts may move Mjolnir; you have surely been restored to your rightful self. May I take my beloved weapon in hand once more? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I...yeah. You. Uh. 

[silence]

[hiss]

Here? 

**ODINSON.Thor:** My thanks!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [armor shifting]

Not sure how you two have managed to stay so pure considering who you hang out with. [weak laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [whimper] If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure I broke every bone in my hand.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You -- lifted the hammer with a broken hand? 

You sure it’s looking for purity, not stubbornness? 

[joint hissing]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My dear father has made that same jest in reference to my own pigheadedness! 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [metallic catches releasing, gauntlets settling against stone]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You have a mobile first aid kit in your leg? Do I have to let you play doctor now? 

**RHODES.James:** Last time Tony played doctor it ended up all over the tabloids -- let’s get moving. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Har dee har, how was i supposed to know she had the hotel room bugged?

 **RHOES.James:** Because Sunset was a fucking exhibitionist, Tony. [clearing throat] We need to get the goddamn animals back in their cages, Team.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [kit rustling]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Darling, can you get the mouse deer off the roof? 

**HULK.Incredible:** Tiny deer jump. Hulk jump higher.

[thundering footsteps] 

**ODINSON.Thor:** I fear my brother has vanished again, my friends -- my warning that he would be responsible for removing the feces of primates from the statuary of your city proved too much a burden. The retrieval of these fearsome beasts rests with us. I shall chase down the tuxedo-birds, then return home to care for my new-born family members!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Penguins. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** Yes, the aquatic birds who dress in so stately a manner! 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** They’re … are you people leaving us with the monkeys? Kate, load up the tranq tipped arrows -- they’ve got the blue notches in the fletching. 

**BISHOP.Katherine.E:** Got it. 

[arrow notching] 

[fistbump]

You still owe me Thai food. If Thai is closed when we’re done here, you owe me diner AND Thai.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** All you can eat, baby-hawk.

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E:** I am getting SO fucking much pad prik khing...and then I’m getting disco fries. And I might mix the two up on the same plate.

[footsteps] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You know, if _someone_ had filled my request for banana-peel arrows, this would be a hell of a lot easier…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Fuck you too, Barton!

 **RHODES.James:** I guess that leaves me with the amphibians, unless you want me here, Tony? But I figure you need a little--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [cough] Do you mind?

 **RHODES.James:** [sigh] Whatever. Cleaning up your messes is second fucking nature at this point.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Thanks, Rhodey. You’re the best.

[shifting]

[foil crinkling]

This is going to sting, but the salve is topical painkiller. And your -- your lip is split. I’ve got a hydrophilic polymer/potassium ferrate mix in here somewhere...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [hiss]

I love when you talk chemical compounds to me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I knew there was a reason I liked you.

[shifting]

There. It probably tastes weird, but it will stop the bleeding. 

Your hands need to be x-rayed. Do you want an ambulance, or do you want to go home?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Just-- let me take a minute. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [creaking] [metal clanking on stone]

Okay.

[fingers scraping] Nice buzz cut, by the by. Is that like a three?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I have no ide-- ow. Tony. I’ve got a bump the size of-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath hissing through teeth]

Sorry. I -- should keep my hands to myself.

[silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That goddamn helmet is sealed on your head, isn’t it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Seemed the safest solution. Bruce can crack the seal at home.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting] 

[breath]

This was-- I shouldn’t have ever left you like that, without making sure-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I should have helped you without question. I should have done more.

[breath]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I need medical attention. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Your hands are a wreck - and you’re burning up. We can call S.H.I.E.L.D., take you to the hospital, or have someone come to the house.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Moose is at the house? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah. Man, he’s gonna be stoked to see you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I’m home. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [creak]

[kiss]

I’m calling a chopper for you - I need go to check on Ty.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Send someone else. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** …

[tap]

Barton? You wanna take a break from Donkey Kong?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** _Do I ever. These things _actually_ throw feces._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Head back into the Met? Ty’s tied up inside the temple in the Egyptian display. For, uh, his own safety.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** _[laughter]_

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Can you get him out of there before the police turn up? God only knows what’ll come out of his mouth if he gets a chance to speak. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** _Awwww, Ty, no. I totally prefer the feces-throwing simians._

_[sigh] Will do, Tones. But only because I love you._

[beep]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Okay. Okay, we’re okay.

[fingers stroking through hair]

[distant sirens]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

Can I stay with you?

Tonight. We can talk about what happens after, but tonight--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath]

Yeah. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** My...room is still full of boxes; I don’t-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You don’t have to ask, Steve. The mansion is your home. 

Take the master as long as you need it -- and, uh, you can sleep there without me. You might be more comfortable that way.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But why, when you’re so good at platonic sleeping arrangements? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [strangled laughter]

You can be such a _dick_ sometimes, Rogers. At least your snark is intact.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I want to stay with you tonight. We can...figure out the rest in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever we wake up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath]

Yeah. Okay.

[helicopter blades whirling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting] I missed you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [swallow]

I missed you, too. I … 

[faceplate clicking free]

[inaudible]

[breath]

Sorry. I just -- wanted one more. From the _real_ you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [quiet laugh] Why the hell did you think I wanted your helmet off? I could stand to stop bumping my forehead. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Chopper’s here. Can you stand?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting] I didn’t punch you with my knees, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** How would you know? You weren’t there.

[armor creaking] 

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The fact that they’re not shattered might be a sign. 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I held my own against you for eleven and a half minutes sans armor, mister. You’re getting slopp-- _oh, shit_.

[click]

Barton? Grab the--

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** : _Shield? Two steps ahead of you, compadre._

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [sigh] You’re also the best.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.** : _I know._

[click]

[footsteps]

[stepladder unfolding]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ll get your seatbelt. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shield? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [seatbelt snapping into place]

You brought it back with you. I disarmed you in the museum and hid it -- being on the  
wrong end of that isn’t something I intend to try again any time soon.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We have my shield.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You found it. Or...possibly possessed-you was given it, we’re not really sure. It’s here, though, and safe.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This is your way of winning every single ‘who would win in a fight’ argument without me being able to prove you wrong, isn’t it? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort]

Well, seeing as Natasha and Thor had to rescue my dumb ass, not so much.

It doesn’t matter. [seatbelt clicking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I withdrew my resignation. Full report. Tomorrow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ll give Rhodey all the deets, don’t you worry.

[engines whirring]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ass. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Takes one to know one.

[smooch]

{Saving…}


	633. You just have to try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware, today's chapter includes some NSFW sections of dialogue!

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014}**

[LOCATION ID - BEDROOM LVL -3]

{{RECORDING}}

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [soft snoring]

[footsteps, paws clicking on wood] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Shh, buddy...we’re going to…

[rustling] 

Ow. Ah. 

[mattress shifting] 

[rustling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rustle] [low muttering] Nmmm. Mmmf. 

[breathing settles]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] 

[whispered] I love you. Tony. Fucking. Stark. I love you. 

[kiss] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

...mmmruh?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry. Back to sleep. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm… Steve?

You’re back. It -- I thought it was a dream.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

[breath] 

Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle] That’s my name.

C’mere, you. How are the hands?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting]

I don’t suppose you’ve worked out the painkiller problem yet, have you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath sucking through teeth] I’ve played around with a few things. None are tested. They -- oh, they’re _swollen_. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [hiss]

A little. Ow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** To-- Tony. Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ice should work, serum or not. C’mon, let’s...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think I’ve had enough ice to last me a few centuries.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** C’mon, the only thing we’re freezing this time around is your knuckles. It’ll help, I promise. I can’t spend all day kissing them better.

[kiss]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath]

Can’t you?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could probably be convinced…. [smooch] We both know I’m easy.

[kiss, covers rustling]

You look good, considering how quick you passed out after the shower last night. I was a little worried. 

[footsteps, ice clinking]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I assume I have you to thank for the red-and-blue splints? Tony. You look like shit. What...your neck. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ….I, well, you DID take back your resignation. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** From the team. Still not so sure about the title.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Neck? Is it bad? [rustling]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s purple. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Whoops. Well, that’s not that surprising, all things considered. 

Give me your hand.

[ice, towel shifting] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ah. Haha. Cold.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Better.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. What did I do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _You_ did nothing, Steve. You weren’t home at the time.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Did you know that when it happened? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. But I figured it out pretty quick.

[shifting, silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

[pillows rustling]

[shifting] 

Tell me everything.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you -- you’re _sure_.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sure. I need to know. It’s...if I’m revoking my resignation...it’s a debrief.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sigh]

You were out of character when you got back - but no one realized the crown was to blame. It was a tense situation, everyone was on edge. 

[shifting]

SHIELD arranged a caravan to meet you at the airport and collect you, Clint went with, you -- uh, Set -- took Ray to the hospital. You left her there, and at some point sent me a message via private courier. 

You then had me meet you at the Met after hours. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And proceeded to beat you senseless, apparently.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was desperate to see you, I didn’t think.

You asked me to turn off the security systems. And that’s what should have clued me in -- _you’d_ never ask for something like that. But I wanted it to be true, so I just… let it happen. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You thought you were getting laid at the Met. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [clears throat] Hope springs eternal?

I thought I was getting un-dumped at the Met. Wishful thinking, and all.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not that you got dumped to begin with, _may I remind you_.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ex _cuse_ me? You’re the _master_ of unintentional breakups, Steve Fucking Rogers.

[pillow thwumping]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m also an INVALID. Watch where you smash that pillow. Ah. I still have a lump on my skull.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You tried to kill me! This definitely counts as self defense. Delayed self defense. 

Your poor head.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, so when it’s _convenient_ , then I tried to kill you.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Believe me, it was extremely inconvenient.

He took me into the hall of armors and one thing led to another, and when we got close enough he slammed me up against a suit and started to choke me. I thought he was going to kill me - but, you know, hindsight. He probably wanted me unconscious for the transfer.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, if I ever wanted to kill you, I’d lure you into a trap with the promise of sex and armor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s...good to know? But not exactly comforting, considering I’ve already fallen for it once.

[rubbing]

So I freed myself -- sorry about the nut shot, by the way --

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, well that explains _that_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeaaaaah.

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to make a kiss-it-better joke here? I just want you to appreciate my show of restraint.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What restraint? You just made the joke, that hardly shows restraint.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s the thought that counts?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I know exactly which thought that is.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m a genius, Steve. I have plenty of extra brainspace dedicated to fantasizing about your cock down my throat.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** SO.

He busted out the shield, I managed to get ahold of his phone and call for reinforcements while running - that fucking place is like a maze. Terrible design choices, seriously. Someone needs to knock out a few walls.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So you’re saying we did them a favor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m just saying when I wanted to open up the living room/bar area I paid a fucking fortune. They ought to be thanking us.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not sure they’re gonna see it that way, Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Potato, po-tah-to.

When he caught up -- shocking, I know -- he … well, he told me one of us could walk out. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] He thought you’d try to save me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, well. Obviously.

[throat clearing]

I figured he was the type to take what he wanted and kill you anyway. Turns out I was right.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Of course you were. 

[breath]

You okay? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s fine.

I mean. It wasn’t, but you’re here, so I can’t really complain.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Considering the things you do complain about, I think you’ve earned the right, in this case.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort]

I’ll have you know I only complain about things worth complaining about. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Leftovers.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** People shouldn’t _take my stuff_.

[throat clearing]

So basically Thor and Nat showed up before he could pull the trigger and I did a lot of gaping uselessly while they shocked you down and pinned you with Mjolnir. Thor brought the scarab he won in Egypt, I don’t know, whatever, magic bullshit. It didn’t work on you in the hallway, but once I’d dragged you into the Temple of Dendur the magic took hold. 

I think you know most of the rest.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t believe we’re having a debrief about mind-control crowns and magical amulets. In bed. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Must be a day that ends in Y.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This actually _is_ like Indiana Jones.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] It’s not too late to re-name the dog….

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [whine] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh]

[ears ruffling, scratching]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re going to have to-- I need to call in to Fury. Real debriefs. Press conferen--

[silence]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What? Steve.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Press conference. We both look like shit.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Rhodey can do it. I think it might be a good idea to, uh, downplay your involvement here. There’s been a lot of speculation about your lack of public appearances since the photos went public.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nothing based in truth. 

Mostly bullshit about embarrassment over the photo scandal, or blackmail, or that you’d quit over me.

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You went public with that? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I didn’t say a thing about it… that was part of why I was in talks with Ty again. Media management.

[throat clearing]

People inferred we’d had a falling out, though, given that we stopped appearing together. They pegged “Ana” for a beard straight away, but we weren’t seen together in public afterwards… she’d be under too much scrutiny at that point to make the disguise worth it.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t need to explain. Is Natasha all right? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s fine with it. I don’t think she means to hide herself much longer anyway. 

I think she’ll be better when Bruce nuts up and pops the question. Someone around here needs a happy fucking ending.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He hasn’t done it yet? I know he was waiting to have the actual _wedding_ , but it’s not like he needs me or Clint here to prop--

Oh, god. He’s not going to ask Clint blessing, is he? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle] No! But he figures Nat’ll just like, want to go to the courthouse the next day. And he doesn’t want to make her wait, in case she changes her mind. 

I don’t think he realizes she’s a sure thing.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Natasha doesn’t change her mind. Once she says something, one way or the other, she does it.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You two are peas in a pod.

Listen. I… I don’t know where we’re going, but I want to… apologize for Ty, for Clint, for my -- stupid fucking reactionary tendency to fall in bed with the nearest person with a pulse.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You didn’t think you were answerable to me anymore. I just don’t-- I don’t pretend to understand why you do that. It never seems to make you feel any better. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No. It doesn’t. But when the bottom falls out, sometimes it just...

[silence]

It was idiotic. And I knew better. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why’d you tell me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wanted you to care. 

You were so -- reasonable about it, in the end it just made me feel even worse.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t-- I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were. I didn’t think you were inclined to listen to what I had to say. You told me you were screening my letters. I was trying to write something that wouldn’t trigger the filters. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was. And it didn’t, so, yeah.

I shouldn’t have filtered you, either. It was just -- keeping you in a place where you had to say what I wanted you to say. I wish I knew what you would have said if I’d been willing to listen.

[silence, ice shifting]

Is it helping?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Is what hel-- oh. The ice? Ah...well, it hurts from the cold instead of from the swelling, if that’s helping. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I was hoping for numbness, not bonus pain.

It was stupid. It was all so stupid.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I ran away to South America and got possessed by an evil god, so I think I out-stupided you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, Hydra apparently thought I’d go with you, so we kind of out-stupided _them_ , there. Go team?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] Does this mean you’ll _listen_ the next time I try to give you an assignment you don’t like? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wouldn’t hold your breath. [chuckle]

[throat clearing]

Stupid or not, Ty did help suppress the photos of us. The contracts we negotiated are mutually beneficial and also legally binding, so… as much as I might like to I can’t cut him out of my life again. I did that once; I’m not sure it was a mistake, but I didn’t have the entire picture at the time. 

It was rash, and it hurt him, so much as someone like Ty can _be_ hurt.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. You’ve known him since you were what, twelve? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ten. If you count the Christmas parties.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Why the hell do you keep him around? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He’s not all bad. I -- don’t want to sit here and make excuses for him.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He’s only as good as he needs to be to get what he wants. You think he honestly believes he’s trying to do the right thing? He stole your suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t think it’s a matter of right or wrong to him… but it _is_ all about him. He does thing that benefit himself, and because he likes seeing me in certain ways, things that benefit me to some degree sometimes fall under that heading.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Until he decides to hurt you instead. I don’t-- he-- what he did when I was in Peru...he knew everything. And he blew our covers. Because he wanted something from you.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know. That’s why I stepped away. 

[sigh]

The contracts are signed. Professionally I _need_ him. If SI backpedals on this green initiative it will set our efforts back years. As long as I handle him with care I think I can keep him in line.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’ll tell me if you think you can’t? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I dug this grave, Steve. I don’t want more people than necessary tangled up with him. He _is_ dangerous...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s exactly what you have a team for, Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ty isn’t a team problem, he’s a personal problem. And you’re already on his shit list.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think outing a covert mission in the international press is a team problem, Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You weren’t acting as an Avenger, Steve.

I’ll keep you apprised of what’s going on with Ty. I intend to keep him as a business relation, not a personal one, so it may not be entirely necessary.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He stole your suit, and you were. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What do you want me to say? He was a mistake, a huge fucking mistake. I know. I’ll deal.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] 

I know it’s not my decision to make. 

And if this isn’t the sort of thing you want to feel responsible to me for anymore...

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallows]

I had hoped we could talk about that. Maybe not today, if you need to time -- and I kind of obviously need to do some fixing in my life before I can really...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I understand. I think we both do. We...sort of made a wreck of things, didn’t we? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. We really did - from start to finish.

I got the dog right, though.

[tail thumping]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] Yeah. Yeah, you did. I got...did I get anything right? The french toast, maybe? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] 

You do make the world’s best french toast.

And you made my parents’ house feel like a home again.

I would be willing to try again, is what I’m saying. If or when you are. And if that’s not what you want, let’s… at the very least be friends.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Tony. Do you really think I don’t want that? I just...I want to make sure that i-- _when_ we do this, we give it a fair shot to last. And don’t let it hurt our ability to work together. Or hurt anyone else.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We really ran roughshod over a lot of people that we both care about. Pepper, Becky. Hiding it from the team was a dumbshit move, too. 

Even if nobody was actually fooled.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thor. Thor was fooled. I think. You can’t always tell. 

I don’t know if...So what do you want right now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ... I _want_ to drag you back to bed wrap up in you and never let you leave. I want to piece things back together. I want something like Nat and Bruce have. That kind of comfortable…

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] Right. Well, I’m still in bed, so dragging isn’t going to happen. You think anybody else can be that comfortable? They don’t even finish each other’s sentences; they know what the sentences are before they say them.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We could be that.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I really think we could. Though I probably need to stick with the therapy for a while if that’s gonna be even a remote possibility.

You can tell me if that’s not what you want.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** All I want to do is say yes to anything you say. And I know I can’t.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s -- mutual.

[shaky breath]

I’ve watched you be quietly miserable for almost two years, Steve. I want you to be happy. I don’t really care if that means staying with the team, or leaving, or staying with me, or leaving. It’d be pretty fucking hard to watch you walk out of my life entirely, but I would if it meant you’d finally figured out how to be happy in the 21st century.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Happy’s never been too high on my list. I’ll be satisfied with figuring out what the hell I’m supposed to be doing here. I...you sign up to save the world, that job just doesn’t get done once. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re supposed to be… nobody knows what we’re supposed to be doing, Steve. Not a single fucking person on planet Earth. But everyone deserves to be enjoy their life, regardless of where - or when - they came from. You can do both - be happy, and save the world. It’s not an either or. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But we have to make a lot of choices that aren’t always the best. Sometimes it means not making anyone happy, but I have to make them. I don’t think I could live with myself, otherwise.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know that better than most, Steve. I get the compulsion, believe me.

You say you have to, but you shouldn’t just settle for living with yourself. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I don’t know if I’m cut out to live with anyone _else_. I keep endangering the people I care about most.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Funny, from here it looks like you care the most about people willing to be endangered if the cause is right. Maybe you’ve got this backwards.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t help it if the people worth caring about are bigger idiots than I am. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Takes one to know one, is all I’m saying.

I’m … pretty shit at this kind of conversation, Steve. I love you. I want to be with you, but not if being with you is bad for you. 

I don’t know how to say it any other way.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

I love you. You’re not bad for me...you’re one of the best things. It’s just...there’s too much that’s bigger than just us...HYDRA’s still out there. We killed one of their leaders. That’s one cell. It’s the beginning. We don’t know how many more, and it seems so...inconsequential, in the face of things.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

We did. Together. We’re greater than the sum of our parts, Steve. Are you really going to put your life on hold because HYDRA is still out there? That’s… that’s letting them win.

It’s not inconsequential. It means everything.

Jesus fuck that sounds ridiculous.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] You’re always ridiculous. It’s why I love you.

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [sniffing]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [rubbing ears]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But we need to focus; we need to-- _quitting_ would be letting them win. Oh, there’s a secret organization of superpowered Nazis on the loose? How nice; I think I’ll make some tea. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You know that’s not what I’m saying. You’re letting them control your choices. You should be gloriously happy while you’re squashing those maniacs - make the victory complete.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t get _joy_ out of killing anybody, Tony.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That’s not what I meant. You can have a life - and a degree, or… or a family. Fill your life with people that understand it’s part of what you need to be doing - and still swat Nazis when necessary. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And that’s...look. Tony. When everything else was shit, that’s what I was holding on to. Because you’re always going to understand that better than anyone else I know. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know.

I -- shit, I don’t mean that in a dickish way. I mean, I know what you mean.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. And I do mean that in a dickish way.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

God, you’re wicked. You remind me of Yinsin sometimes - he could make me laugh even when I had an electromagnet nailed to my chest.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

How long does it take?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Does what take?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Till you can talk about an old friend without feeling like it’s your fault? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s been six years.

I still wonder, sometimes. But he made his own choices.

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think I was in love with him. He probably knew, but I never said anything about it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What makes you think he knew?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The way he looked at me sometimes. Like he was trying to figure something out. And he was always...protective of me. I mean. Always, but we got older, he got real concerned about me finding a girl. I think he knew he’d have to leave me alone someday.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know you don’t like me to suppose what motivated the guy, but you’ve got to see that for what it is, Steve.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not fooling myself. I know what it was. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He loved you. He wanted you to manage without him. He wanted you to be happy.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, somehow I don’t think this is exactly what he was trying to prepare me for.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? Steve Rogers, Lone Ranger taking on a massive evil organization despite being outmanned and outgunned? I think he would have called that one.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t think he would have exactly foreseen the part where Tonto has a titanium-gold alloy suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Shit, I should have gone with silver, there’d be so many fantastic riding jokes in there... 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, would you rather be the horse? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Given the number of times I have to haul your ass to safety it seems pretty fucking apropos.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] 

Yeah, well. Bucky did that, too.

[silence] 

Everything I loved him for, I see in you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] ...really?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You’re stubborn as hell, generous without question, look out for everybody around you, even when they’re pissing you off. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** To be fair, you’ve got a lot of his bad qualities, too. You drink too much, you need to be the center of attention, you do whatever the hell you want withou--

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like that.

[inaudible] 

Tony...we really shouldn’t be…

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Says who? We make our own rules.

Besides, I like your adorable blushy earnestness more when it’s espousing my good side, not my vices.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You seem pretty attached to the vices right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, to be fair, you’re my favorite one. 

And you’re half naked in my bed. So…

[rustling]

[breathing]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. I’m serious about this. This can’t be like December. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I don’t want December.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re back to that question, then, aren’t we? What do you want? 

In...December, January, February. I was happy. Things weren’t perfect. We shouldn’t have been...we were using each other to escape from things. But I was mostly happy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath hitching]

Me too.

It may not always be that way, though. I guess -- maybe I don’t need to warn you about that, considering where we are now.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So...is that where we start? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** That what?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Look at what wasn’t working when things worked. I hated my job, but that’s out of the picture now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** The job was not my finest moment.

We can try that. Even though it’s different, now. I’m different. 

Or maybe I just want to be.

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** There wasn’t anything wrong with you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** There were, and there are, a lot of things wrong with me, Steve.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nothing that can’t be fixed with a little spit-shine. You found a therapist? That’s something you’re doing? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s never too late to put your own house in order.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I should do that. And I want to go to school. I don’t know if I should take up Pepper’s offer or stay here. 

There’s still nothing wrong with you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I think all of those things sound good, Steve. 

I -- look, you can see how long it took me to admit that I have a problem or two that require fixing. Don’t blow smoke up my ass to make me feel better - when there are bugs in the code you fucking fix the code. Look at the way I treated Pepper, and the way I’ve treated you. 

I want to be someone you can trust with hard decisions.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I’m not sure how much of that is on you. I’m used to making hard decisions for other people, not used to having somebody to make them with. You have no idea how many fights I had with Ray before she told me that it wasn’t just my problem, and I couldn’t just try to make everyone else do what I thought was best for them all the time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** As much as I hate to say it, she’s right.

The shouldering of all that guilt and responsibility and obligation over any consideration for your own personal needs _is not healthy._ And it didn’t take a therapist to tell me that.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t care so much about whether it’s healthy or not. I care about whether it’s fair to you. Or to anyone else. But mostly you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** If I haven’t trusted you with decisions, it’s as much about my ability to hand over the reins as it is your trustworthiness. And we’re not talking about-- you’re one of the most trustworthy people I know. You act rashly under fire. It’s not the same kind of trust. I’ve got to learn to let some of that go.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You do. 

Even so, _I_ want to be someone more capable than that. I lost the plot when you were dead on the table in the lab. It took me less than a day to crawl in bed with someone else for a little physical reassurance when I thought you’d left me. I _assumed_ you’d leave, and my fucking assumptions made it true.

I’m fucking brilliant, Steve, I’m gorgeous, I’m an incredible fucking person. I shouldn’t feel that way about myself, and that’s what the fucking therapist is for. I want you to go to one. It needs to be step one if we’re moving forward.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I was going to. 

[breath]

Is there a step two?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Take classes this summer. You’ll be out of action anyway -- enroll. The core curriculum is all the same, you don’t have to know what you’re going for, if you don’t like the school you can transfer -- just fucking do it, no excuses.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You think they’ll let me slide in past the enrollment deadline if I explain I was killing Nazis? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [huff]

In a word? Yes. Though they may dock points for destroying the Met.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not if I go to Philly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Yeah. They’re probably okay with that. Go to Philly. Take your dog. Maybe -- date some co-eds, sow some wild oats. And then we can -- see.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s not funny. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not laughing. You’re trying to find a purpose, right? Maybe it’s someone else. Look at Rachel.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** What about Rachel? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She gave you something you needed, that I couldn’t. I … did a lot of, uh, exploration in college. Some of it was terrible for me, but not all. I learned a lot about what I wanted, and how I fit with people… you’re inexperienced in this, if little else. It might be good for you.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Rachel’s not-- we were only ever friends, Tony, it’s not-- The most important thing she did for me was smack me over the head every time I tried to make decisions for her. Maybe that applied to you, but that might be the only facet of my life where I _do_ know what I want. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

Yeah?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Obviously, it only took you so long because what you wanted hadn’t defrosted yet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choke]

[laughter]

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmm. I. Enough. You still think I should go to Philly? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kissing sounds]

Yes.

[kissing, smooching]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Too--ony_... Even with the team like it is? Even with-- your plan? And Natasha’s? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Now more than ever. 

You quit. We’ve been learning to work with Rhodey and Bobbi for weeks, this minimizes additional transition.... [smooch] If we privatize, everything will be restructured… [kiss] ...you can return to the post you vacated. If it’s still what you want.

If not, we want to offer the position to Rhodey permanently. He might bring Carol along, or she could stay military and act as liaison in his place. Bruce has a cousin. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know he does. I’ve seen photos. She’s cute. She’s working legal for you now, isn’t she? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [smooch]

Yeah, and she’s great.

I’m just saying, we have options. Is that okay?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I think it is. If I’m going to keep trying to save the world, I’m going to need a team. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A team, and possibly a partner?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s another one of those words that _implies_ something, and I kind of need to know what it implies.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It implies commitment. If we do this, I’m not fucking around, Steve. I want a fucking grown-up relationship, with stupid bullshit conversations about feelings after arguments and nobody leaving the continent when they’re pissed. I’m too old to beat around the bush any longer.

Wow, that sounded dirtier out loud than it did in my head.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s saying a lot, considering I’ve always assumed your head is one very wide gutter. To be fair, the running away bit was less about being pissed and more that there were Nazis.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Aw, you’re so romantic.

I don’t care if you’re pissed, or if you’ve spotted Nazi fringe groups, or what. _No more running._ That goes for me, too.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wait. Tony. Wait. I need to...Which do you want? You just told me to go to Philly, now you’re saying you want...

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

I just want you to do what’s best for you, regardless of me. You can pick one or the other, you can do both, you can do neither. But…

I guess I feel like you might be better at making these decisions if I wasn’t around.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because when you’re here, I want to choose whatever lets me keep you? I-- I’m not very good at the things you’re asking for. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swallow] I’ve never been good about letting you make your own decisions when my interests are at stake too.

You don’t have to be good at it. You just have to try.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And you have to be patient. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [huff] I just have to try.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmm..Is the kissing a way to avoid conversation? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [shifting] No. It’s just that the last guy I made out with was an evil Egyptian god. Leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Kind of… dusty, sandy, you know. Or maybe that was the dust from the rubble that is the Met’s Egyptian wing...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. So it’s my responsibility? And here I am without an Inca Kola. I bet you’d prefer the dust to the fake bubblegum flavor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re not the one who decided to make out with a murderous demon-possessed version of their ex-boyfriend. [laugh]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I meant for getting the taste out of your mouth. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Oh. If I say yes, will you kiss me again?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

[shifting] [kissing]

[inaudible] 

Don’t -- just lay back. Don’t… [kiss] hurt… [smooch] … your hands. Just lay back, and...

[rustling]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You do realize all the injuries you inflicted make things somewhat painful at the moment. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snicker] I could be gentle. I’ve kind of missed gentle, you’re so....

[sighing, inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [breath] I thought we were going to...take things slow? Try to work out our differences? See what we could live with? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breathing] 

I think we need to live apart. Have - dates, weekends together, spend a more reasonable amount of time with each other. Have lives outside of this. 

I’d… obviously it’s up to you. But I’d prefer to stay physical; it’s ...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sorry about what happened on my birthday. It shouldn’t have...it was stupid of me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was an accident. 

I shouldn’t have freaked out. I was -- uh. _Horribly_ jealous that she was the one down there with you, where I thought I should be.

And don’t sidestep.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s not a bad girl; she’s just had some bad luck. I want to see if there’s something we can do to try to keep her out of it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** She’s not your responsibility.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She saved my life. Twice. And put her own neck on the line to do it. I owe her something. 

[breath] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** We can -- I don’t know what needs to be done about Ray. She needs to make some decisions before you can decide where to go with her.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** She’s got to get her act together, but I don’t think she’d hurt anyone willingly. Look, Tony. You take care of Ty; I’ll handle Ray. I won’t stop you from doing what you need to do. Alright? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Fine. But my concerns have been registered -- in the interest of mutual disclosure, I need you to tell me if she goes off the grid.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I would do that anyway. You know that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Alright. But I think you’re still sidestepping. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I wasn’t trying to. That was important. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Not as important as us. 

Clint’s probably on top of it already, you know how he is with strays. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

But it needed to be dealt with. And I’m concerned about our ability to deal with what we need to deal with if we can distract ourselves with sex. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It does, but -- I understand what you’re saying.

[sigh]

I was hoping that being apart most of the time would make that less of an issue.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Can it be a conditional? Yes, if there are no immediate problems? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yes.

We’re making the rules. It can be whatever we need it to be.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [gasp] [inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Only-- [inaudible] 

After-- [inaudible]

All problems are solved-- [inaudible]

To both parties’ satisfaction. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] So if this is...what do we say to the press? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss] We say whatever you want to say. Here, move your…. yeah, just….

[groans]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [shifting] 

Tony. To-ony. 

[inaudible]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] I don’t care what you… [smooch] … I … [smooch] ...we tell the press. [inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [heavy breathing] 

[inaudible] 

Well, I already _told_ them we were dating months ago. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] Nobody ever listens, do they.

[snaps unsnapping]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want to--

[inaudible]

lie about it...ttt-- Tony, what are you...

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Enjoying the spoils of Victory, Steve. I’ll be careful, I promise. You’ll love it. [inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God, you’re incorrigible. 

[inaudible]

At least after the Met--

Wait, I’m _spoils_?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sexy, sexy spoils. You oughta be gold plated… maybe I’ll make you some skintight gold PJs? [smooch]

[fabric sliding]

C’mon. I know you missed me. Tell me what you missed most.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You…

[breath]

[groan]

distracting me from serious conversations by shoving your hand down my pants? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You always said you liked my fingers.

Who’s distracted? I’m being perfectly attentive.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _noticed_

[breath]

[inaudible] 

God, Tony, I--

[inaudible] 

Said. After problems are resolved. We agreed. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe you should make a numbered list. That’s, you know. Traditional.

[smooch]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, you want a list, soldier? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Is it horrible that I want to say yes?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** One. You have a problem, you come to me about it first. Especially if it’s a problem with me. No more talking to everyone we know without trying to resolve things.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss]

Okay. Yeah.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Two. Hear me out before saying no. Listen to what I try to tell you. Ask questions. Tell me if I’m being muddled. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You… don’t always make it easy to question you. You can -- sometimes -- ignore mountains of evidence if it runs contrary to your opinions.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s why I said ask questions, not-- you just dump mountains of evidence on people to prove they’re wrong. Some things can’t be quantified like that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Maybe. Or maybe sometimes they can, and you just don’t realize it because you won’t listen.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’ll listen. But you have to listen, too. Everything goes on the table. We don’t leave a room until we’ve compromised to everyone’s satisfaction.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m not willing to commit to compromise without question. That may not always be the answer. But laying cards on the table -- that I can do.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I didn’t say without question. I said to everyone’s satisfaction, and that includes yours. The point is, we make decisions together. I know we can.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What happens if we can’t?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Civil war? 

[snort]

Then we’re stuck in a room together with a lot of steam to blow off. I’m sure you of all people can come up with ways to pass the time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I could be convinced to write up a list of my own…

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let’s try it. It doesn’t work, we change the list. You’re welcome to start adding to it anytime you want. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Don’t tell me I can’t talk about things that matter to you.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t tell me I _have_ to talk about them when I’m not ready.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I never want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I’m also not willing to ignore something damaging due to your hangups. This one -- is a two way street. God knows I have plenty of my own baggage.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But we handle things differently. You need to talk to people about things. I’m more... private than that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Being private doesn’t excuse not seeking help when you need it.

I’m willing to reconsider my stance on this one once you start seeing someone regularly.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, it’s much more palatable to tell a stranger all my problems than my b-- you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss] Your boyfriend has a hard enough time managing his own bullshit, let alone bullshit for two.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Boyfriend? Yeah? We’re back there, now? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Is -- you know I... unless you’re not ready to, ah, go there again. 

We did kind of crash and burn the last time I tossed that word into the mix...

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I hardly think that was the terminology’s fault. I...you know I don’t care about the goddamn words; I just...want to see how we do. You can call me whatever you damn well please.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sorry. I thought that’s what you -- stopped yourself from saying, before. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It was. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Why did you stop?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Because we just agreed not to make decisions without each other anymore. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Okay. If that’s the case, let’s make a decision. Don’t just… tell me you don’t care and that I can do what I want.

I get what you’re saying, it’s not the label, it’s the package. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I know you’re going to call me ‘sugarplum,’ anyway. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Fuck yes I am. But I can’t really tell the press that. I’d have to crawl into a hole and live the rest of my life under a rock.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, then I’m going to have to come up with a pet name for you, and use it frequently, and in public. I’m in, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you in like you were in for the SI gig, or in like you were in for the elevator hookup?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m in like I was for dancing with you in front of hundreds of people at the Waldorf-Astoria. And taking you home and doing it all over again. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort]

Do you _want_ to tell the press? My … preference would be to wait and be sure this is working, first.

Not that it’s any of their business what we do together.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I need to say something with or without you. But I’ll make it about me if you don’t want to go public yet.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not a matter of wanting to. It’s a matter of cutting our losses if things go south the second time around.

If only I hadn’t concussed my top media guy last night…

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Maybe not the best foresight, no. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do we have to make a statement? Maybe we can just - be ourselves, and see what happens?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I do, Tony. I’m _Captain America_. Well. Sort of. There’s probably some kid out there trying to decide whether to tell his mom he has a crush on a boy in his class, and Captain America can’t even come forward to explain a bunch of photos? It doesn’t have to be about you.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s not like you tied your _self_ up with a silk necktie, Steve. It’s about me too, whether I like it or not. 

Do you actually want to come out? Five minutes ago you couldn’t bring yourself to call me your boyfriend. Doing the whole public-coming-out-thing needs to be something you actually want to do for yourself before I go along with it. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I _wanted_ to call you my boyfriend; I was trying to have some deference to you. I said I was in, Tony. I-- 

Yeah. I do. I can call up Stone, give him an exclusive, it might help mitigate the whole punching-him-in-the-face bit. I can show them all my tourist photos from Peru, tell them about fighting Nazis, kill two birds with one stone.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Hahaha, I see what you did there.

[inaudible]

Are you teasing? He’d love that to pieces, the creepy bastard.

I didnt mean to make you defend yourself. We both know I tend to hear what I want to, and you tend to go along with my assumptions rather than do something you perceive will hurt me.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Don’t second-guess yourself, Tony. If I hesitate, it’s a reflection on you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I wasn’t thinking about me! For once.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Once can be forgiven. I’m not teasing. It’s good business, we can downplay the elevator pictures in favor of, well. HYDRA.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** True. Confirming a relationship is a little more in keeping with the Captain America image than a blindfolded elevator hookup, even if it is with someone spoiled and disreputable.

Plus keeping Ty on the hook... I need him.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know you do. But it’s not about him. It’s-- relationship? You just said you didn’t want to go public just yet. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** For my part it doesn’t really matter. You have to realize, though, that my reputation isn’t going to make this any easier. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** For Captain America? Maybe it wouldn’t hurt. Maybe he’d help your reputation. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’d take a defibrillator to resuscitate my reputation, babycakes.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, we could get Thor on the job, then. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Speaking of, I’m still trying to figure out how his magical lightning didn’t fry me when he hit you. We were -- pretty close at the time.

Stop -- distracting me. [kiss]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Says the pot to the kettle. [kiss]

No more distracting. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. If you’re addressing the content of the photos directly, our relationship really needs to be addressed. If you play coy it will just draw more attention to what you’re not saying. But, if you’re focusing on Avengers business it’s unnecessary to mention at all.

There’s a reason I only ever addressed the photos on a level related to security, not the content. I was waiting for you.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] I’m here now. I was kind of hoping we could stop hiding. And, you know. See what kind of ice cream flavor Ben  & Jerry’s introduces.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath]

If that is a thing that happens I fully expect you to lick ice cream off every inch of my body.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] Iiii...don’t see the ice cream lasting long enough. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Chocolate sauce? Walk in freezer?

Because I’d … much rather take it slow.

Very, very slow.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah? I...no, I’d be all for-- [breath] -- a reasonable amount of caution. But I’d like to at least consider...starting to attend events together, let people see us out in public...walk the dog together...

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You realize I was just thinking about ice cream, right?

[rustling]

[groan]

Go on. I want to dance. I want you to attend functions with me in exorbitant hotels in Europe. I want you to accept my ludicrous presents and then quietly donate them to charity when you think I won’t notice.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You know I--- nggh….Tony… _Tony_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckling]

Good? More? Here.

[inaudible]

God, I missed you, I missed you, I missed you.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

You’re…

[moan]

Just...just... Where are we on resolution? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Five? Six? Did you want me to stop?

[smooch]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** God, no… I just…

[inaudible] 

I suppose, knowing that your definition of ‘platonic’ involves making out on your sofa, I could have predicted this is what you’d consider ‘slow.’

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

Can’t you just shut up and enjoy a solid hand job? Jeez, Rogers.

[smooch]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mmm...I… 

[breath]

I am...But I’m also enjoying berating you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, ‘far be it for me to suspend any pleasure of _yours_ ’.

[shifting, kissing]

Just let me take care of you - if that’s all we do, it’s more than enough, I love taking care of you.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I can’t even object, Tony. My hands are both smashed.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, I noticed - you smashed them on my face, babycakes. 

[kiss]

Painkillers won’t work, but endorphins might. Let me take care of you. It’s medicinal. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] 

[breath] 

[groan]

We said no sex to avoid problems. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** What’s the problem here? I’m super into celebratory second chance sex.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are we...are we resolved for now? Is there...is there anything else pressing we…

[breath]

_God._

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pressing? I can get behind some pressing. [chuckling]

You know we’re not. One conversation was never going to fix us.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s why I’m asking; I...should we…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Do you want me to stop? [inaudible] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I _want_ to fuck you so hard the diamonds pop out of your mattress, but I think I’m going to have to wait till my hands heal.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ngk-- oh my god, I fucking love it when you -- why is that hot? God, that’s hot. I have no idea what’s wrong with me.

[inaudible] [rustling]

I’m still secretly wishing I’d gotten laid at the Met.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** By the evil demon? _Someone’s_ ...ngh...mmm... not very particular.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I hadn’t seen you in weeks, I was desperate!

Maybe we can go for round two when we go on our for-real date… assuming they let you back in.

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, at least I wasn’t technically on the team for that. Maybe you won’t be liable for damages. I-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckling] I’m gonna have to build them a new fucking wing to keep the donors happy, we both know that. 

[inaudible]

You sure you don’t want it named after you?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Tony._

Tony.

[breathing] 

God, Tony...you...just...ah...

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmhmm?

[laugh]

The Steven G Rogers Wing of Half-Ruined Antiquities and Codpieces Used as Impromptu Weaponry. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [moan] Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Honestly, that might actually have a worse acronym than SHIELD… hey, is Hydra an acronym, or what?

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fuck, Tony, please, just… [groan] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, since you said “please”.

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

You know, the one upside to having hacked the security feeds is that … 

[smooches] 

...no one will blame you for the ruination of that god-awful painting of Washington crossing the Delaware.

[nibbling]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence]

[rustling]

[breath]

Wait.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Wait? Like - _wait_ wait?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [panting] I destroyed _Washington Crossing the Delaware_? The Leutze? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I mean, I’m not crying, I always thought his sword looked kind of awkward. 

And I’m pretty good with a _sword…._

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] Tony, it’s not funny. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It’s a little -- oh, come on, I’m just teasing. What, too soon? I’m pretty sure that’s on the second floor.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] On the secon-- _Stark_. You just saved my life to damn near give me a heart attack. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

You’re so cute, look at your little red cheeks. Awwwwww.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [choking] You’re lucky I’m half immobile or I’d be lobbing you with pillows.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’d rejoice in my immunity if I didn’t know how much your hands hurt. 

[smooch]

You’re -- pretty into patriotism, huh?

[sigh]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Fuck patriotism. I’m into treasures of American art history.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nerd. I… totally just destroyed the mood, didn’t I. 

[shifting]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] It’s...Tony. It’s okay. There’ll be plenty of time to get it back.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, plenty of time. [smooch]

I ordered breakfast in. If you can’t use your hands, does this mean I get to feed you?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** ...I don’t see how I could possibly turn you down.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I did enjoy the hell outta washing your hair last night, even though I was trying not to let it show.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** …Yeah?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah. Any excuse, baby.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And a shave? I’d love a shave.

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible] I dunno, I’m kind of into the mountain man look you’ve got going on…

[inaudible]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s hardly ‘mountain man’ and more like ‘downy chick.’ 

[inaudible]

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Pre or post breakfast?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Whenever you want. Or I could keep it. Go to school with a beard? Do I look more academic?

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You look like a giant hipster, but it’s working for you.

It… might actually help you pass for not-Captain-America, now that I think of it.

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You still like not-Captain-America? They don’t make action figures of me without the costume. I don’t have my own line of sheets. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You’re dating a billionaire - I can make all of those things happen. 

I can see it now - Hipster Steve, now with dramatic textbook-page-turning action!

[chuckle]

I like all versions of Steve Rogers. Including the creepy possessed one that tried to murder me.

[kiss]

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No action figures. 

[smooch]

Not even if you get lonely while I’m in Philly. 

[inaudible]

I like all versions of you, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You might, but I feel like I still have bits of Madame Hydra stuck in my hair.

I’m gonna shower again - breakfast should be here soonish.

You want to join me? Finish what we started?

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** After the incredibly attractive description of your hair?

[shifting, footfalls] 

Of course. You’re going to have to do all the heavy lifting, though. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I will. I’ll even change the sheets... _that_ is true love.

[inaudible]

You know, I’ve been saving your favorite sheets, just for your return. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible]

I didn’t know they _made_ Hawkeye sheets in king size. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] Traitor.

[inaudible]

[footsteps]

[water running]

[laughter]

{Saving…}


	634. Locals are especially pleased

From: Danvers, Carol ([C.Danvers@AvengersInitiative.org](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Night At The Museum: The Reckoning  


Team:

Excellent coordination last night. I've got a report from War Machine, Widow, Hawkeye, and the Other Hawkeye. Stark & Rogers, please take 24 hours to recover, and then I'll need to hear from you as well.

The press so far has been positive for the Initiative-- we've been lauded for intervening during an attack on a beloved landmark, and for rescuing hundreds of zoo creatures. Banner, we're getting lots of great feedback since those photos of the Hulk with the snow leopard went viral. I just thought you'd like to know. Locals are especially pleased with the fact that you lot cleaned up after yourselves. They are not so pleased about the appearance of large, obnoxious graffiti that says "meow, meow meow" on the side of the Central Park Boathouse.

Jim has already been scheduled to give a press conference on Monday morning at 0930-- that gives us enough time to do our fact-finding and craft our story. Please be careful not to let anyone know about Captain Rogers' recent condition. Captain Rogers, if you are feeling up to attending, Director Fury was hopeful you might introduce Jim, so that the press can see you're alive and well and dispel some of these rumors flying about your whereabouts.

Word from on high: Stark, you're on medical leave for two weeks, pending clearance. We're also going to reiterate SHIELD policy that all security work not completed in house be contracted to approved third-parties-- in other words, Tony, no skeevy college friends are allowed near your system unless that skeevy college friend is married to me. I know you don't give a shit, but you're this close to disciplinary action. Rogers, medical leave for six weeks, and we've arranged for a full neuro workup on Wednesday. Fury wants to meet with you tomorrow morning if possible to discuss the conditions of your return to active duty. I suspect you give slightly more of a shit, but you're even closer to disciplinary action. I suspect the only reason you're both scraping by is that you were actually successful. 

In personnel matters, I've taken over the hiring process Bobbi started and reached the final round of vetting for additions to the team and have a chosen candidate, following the team consensus that we find some sort of arrangement to engage the Additional Hawkeye in a more official capacity. I'll be submitting my recommendations to Fury on Monday.

\--CD


	635. Its own version of normality

from: Bruce Banner (doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org)  
To: Steve Rogers [srogers@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Testing results

Steve,

Thanks again for all your cooperation this afternoon - I know you must be tired of being poked and prodded after three months of medical evaluation, remote or otherwise - but I finally have good news for you. It's actually news that I don't quite understand, as all of our glucometer readings as well as Dr. Morse's reports suggested that the failure of the serum to bind to your cells was permanent pending another successful Vita-Ray treatment. 

In other words, all of our most recent readings display none of the damage, wear-and-tear or lowered levels that we were charting in your samples before you left South America; in fact, the symptoms are alleviated as well - we have your lungs operating at their usual 150% capacity, your MRI, vision and hearing tests etc also clocked in at your usual, stellar rates.

I can only speculate that exposure to the radiation of the Serpent Crown or the magical device that Thor brought back from Egypt may be what has affected your healing factor. Perhaps whatever energy invested in those artifacts re-bound the serum to your cells - be it radiation or magical in nature - allowing for your body to resume its own version of normal functionality. Further tests are needed - I'll be taking blood work as well as tracking your lung capacity and vision (though you make that difficult when you keep memorizing my charts), so please expect me to be in and out over the next few days. If my projections are right, though, we should have you cleared for light activity in a week or two.

The news related to your hands is, I'm afraid, less positive. You've multiple fractures in all five fingers on your right hand, three on your left, and a number of the smaller bones in the palm (the most severe being the trapezium and scaphoid respectively). Additionally, your right wrist appears to be sprained. As both are severely swollen casting is not an option, but they need to remain immobile -- the taped splint we fashioned for you yesterday will stay for now, I've asked Tony to play with his golden fabric and construct something less bulky, but you know how distracted he gets. You might consider a sling for the sprain if keeping your hands still is a challenge.

If my theory is correct and the crown did in fact heal you of your previous injuries, your renewed vigor should set the hands to healing at your usual expedited rate.

In closing, it was an absolute pleasure to have you back in the lab. You were very much missed, Steve, and Tony isn't the only person who's glad you're home. I know the last few months have been difficult for you, and while I am often Tony's confidant I am happy to be yours as well - swing by the lab any time if you want company, or even if you'd like a break from your extremely charming yet slightly overbearing bearded nursemaid.

Bruce


	636. My Own Personal Crusade

from: Steve Rogers [srogers@starkindustries.com](%20)  
To: Bruce Banner (doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org)  
Subject: RE: Testing results

~~Dr. Banner,~~

Bruce,

Tony says he improved the voice recognition on this thing after New Year's, so let's see how it work. Apologies in advance for any typos. 

Thanks for all your help and the offer to talk. I think though that what I really need to work on is finding an actual psychologist to talk to. I've got a bad habit of telling folks my problems and then rejecting their advice, and I've got to break that before I start subjecting more people to it. 

Anyway, I've been talking to Tony, and to Pepper, and we're working out a plan for me to move down to Philly for the summer. So I'll be out of pretty much everyone's hair. (Don't worry, I'll take the train up if any last minute invitations to celebrate any undisclosed occasions happen to come my way.) 

But I am really grateful for the offered hand. I know I asked a lot of all of you-- maybe too much-- because I took something that was much bigger than myself and treated it like it was my own personal crusade. I owe you an apology, for the fact that my decisions put you in a position to make a serious personal sacrifice for the sake of the team, and I owe you my thanks for filling in while I was gone.

It won't happen again.

Steve


	637. Turn Over a New Leaf

R&D--

I know things have been crazy for you the past couple of days, with Steve trying to work out the school thing and not actually being able to type or dial his phone, but I've got something I need you to think about. 

Clint and Steve both came to talk to me about Rachel. 

Clint says she's hesitant about her ability to turn over a new leaf, and she's afraid that once this all blows over, she's going to end up falling back in with the wrong kids of people. Which I know Clint sympathizes with. And I know you know my history. Sometimes taking the first steps to cleaning up your act are the hardest, because the bigest challenge is overcoming the voices in your head saying you were made to be this other thing, that you can't be anything else, that you can't fight fate.

Rachel was reviewing HYDRA surveillance for months. She has more shit on HYDRA and Roxxon and the link between the two companies than I'd believe possible. And she's been documenting it. She hasn't come forward with it for the same reason she didn't come to us for help-- you grow up on the wrong side of the law, you tend to believe the law's never going to do right by you. And she's right, to a degree. But she's got signed contracts, recorded conversations-- everything. She's probably got dirty elevator photos, if we press hard enough.

But Clint and Steve said they've more or less convinced her that she needs to turn herself in before anyone (no one named any names, here) gets around to pressing charges. No one's asking that charges be dropped, that's not what this is about. But we all know it's better for her if she does this of her own volition.

She needs somebody who can help her strike a plea bargain in exchange for her intel. She gets that she won't get out unscathed, but it sounds like she's willing to do this, and do it right this time. But I also want her to feel like she made the right choice in hindsight. This could be something that helps her as much as it helps us do our jobs, and if we can influence the outcome a little, say, maybe put her in a position where she can apply herself to finally getting her GED and maybe take a computing course, it wouldn't hurt. 

I'm not asking you for one of your lawyers, but I am asking you to use your connections. If you know anybody willing to defend her, I'll pay her fees. 

Thanks,

Legal


	638. Nails in Roxxon’s coffin

Legal – 

If Clint and Steve had been talking to you about this I can only guess that they either have a reason not to talk to me about it, or they figure you have an angle that will convince me not to press charges. So what do you really want, here? You have to know my legal team is prepped for Diamondback. I’m really not comfortable tapping my either them or my other contacts to deal with it.

Diamondback should be turning herself in because it’s the right thing to do, not because Clint and Steve want a pet project. Beyond the issue of her culpability I can’t believe Hydra’s been completely destroyed. If she goes clean the feds/SHIELD can actually protect her. 

I know that sounds harsh, and I do know your background – but I tend to find you the exception to many, many rules, Natasha. I don’t actually know anything about Rachel beyond what she's convinced Steve and Clint is true; while I can't judge her motives, I do know that I can’t let her go without pressing charges. I can’t let copycats to think they can level that kind of assault on SI and walk away.

For what it’s worth I would consider downgrading or eliminating some charges if it guarantees nails in Roxxon’s coffin. If all she has are some names of other active agents that’s really not enough. .. but if she has enough proof to link Roxxon directly to the SI attack (I want their top dogs by the balls – Jones, the board, everyone) then maybe we can do business.. 

Given that circumstance, I think you can see why I would prefer not to have anyone on my legal team affiliated with her. Try SHIELD? They might be willing to defend her in exchange for her contacts/services.

R&D


	639. humorous epithets aside

R&D,

Nobody's asking you to drop the charges. I get the impression Steve doesn't want to talk to you about it because he knows it's still a sore point and the two of you have enough of your own shit to deal with. Besides, he's still furious about Stone and says he doesn't want to play tit-for-tat.

We could talk about exceptions, but if I'm an exception, then Clint's an exception, and maybe even you're an exception given that you had no ethical quandaries surrounding your own weapon-building until you realized just how badly they were hurting innocent people, and really, that's not too different from where Rachel's found herself, apart from the bit where she's been doing it with makeshift projectiles and you were doing it with a multinational corporation. So half the team is made up of exceptions.

I don't want SHIELD to sink their claws into her. She's too oppositional for Fury and too impressionable for the organization. Besides, if we give her to SHIELD, SHIELD gets all her tech. I'm not being a bleeding heart about this-- I want control over that information, and I think you do, too. I don't want anyone but us to have her intel on the neurotoxin…which is why I already asked her to turn it over as a show of good faith.

Bruce has the encrypted files for the nanovirus microstructure as well as the program that triggers their activity one they're in the bloodstream. He's going to confirm that what he has matches the findings he reported at New Year's. 

She says she's got enough to go after Jones. I'm not going to ask her to hand over her get out of jail card now. She only gets help if she turns herself in AND coughs up the intel. If there's anything else you want her to hand over to us instead of giving it to the police, let me know now. 

I'm not asking for your legal team. I just don't want her to lose Public Defender Roulette, and humorous epithets aside, I don't actually have courtroom experience. So I'm hoping you'll give me clearance to go to Jen. I can use it as a lead-in to float the other potential opportunity we wanted to discuss with her, too.

\--Legal


	640. A semi-traumatic evening

To: Jennifer Walters ([jewalters@legal.starkindustries.com](%20))  
From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Legal references 

Jen,

Just checking to see if you got those documents Becky's substitute PA hire faxed over – she’s still getting the hang of the fax machine. (Seriously, I am over faxes, one of these days I’ll convince you to let me install JARVIS in your digs for digital facsimiles instead. It’s incredibly handy for when hard copies go missing.

I appreciate the updated files on the Roxxon stuff – nothing helps in a courtroom like an eidetic memory and a tendency to compulsively peruse every concurrent case they have open against them.

Listen, have you ever heard of a local lawyer named Matt Murdock? I ran into him last fall on a semi-traumatic evening – he’s barely an acquaintance, really, but I hear he takes on tough cases and Romanova’s got an acquaintance on hand that requires representation. I can’t loan them our legal department (as we’re kind of the ones pressing charges) but Romanova’s all up in my grill about it. If you know him – or anyone else versed in superhero/villain law -- and wouldn’t mind forwarding his credentials to Natasha I’d appreciate it.

The defendent might be willing to spill on Jones and Roxxon in return for measures of amnesty; I’m amenable to negotiations, though we’ll have to keep it under the table. If you can work with Murdock let’s burn Roxxon’s fucking house down.

Stark


	641. intense, but good

To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
From: Jennifer Walters ([jewalters@legal.starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Re: Legal references 

Hey, Tony.

No problem. Yeah, I know Matt, and I'm preeeeeeeeetty sure Natasha does, too, considering she used to date him back when she was working out of San Fran. He's a good guy. Little weird, kind of intense, but good. We'll figure something out. 

\--Jen

P.S. At this point I'm just holding out on the fax to watch you tear your hair out.

P.P.S. Brucie told me he's got you making jewelry. I might need your help cheerleading. You know Bruce; if he works himself up too much, he'll talk himself out of it. Once you're off Steve-detail, let's have lunch. This may require coordinating.


	642. Welcome Back, Cap!

S -

While you assume that S stands for Steve, in reality it stands for Sexy. Or Star-Spangled. Sex-spangled?

It looks like your presence in the press is improving - though the Bugle's really missing the forest for the trees. Considering this isn't one of Ty's properties I'd say that for once the Bugle might be a little more accurate regarding public opinion than most press outlets at present. 

T

PS I _told_ you the fries would make the papers. You owe me french toast.

**Welcome Back, Cap!**

After a two-month disappearance and a rumored jaunt to Peru, Steve "Captain America" Rogers resurfaced in New York this week with little fanfare and impeccable timing, apparently on the scene to bring down a now not-so-secret terrorist cell operating right here in Manhattan.

The exact details of the events leading to the near-destruction of the Sackler Wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, famously home to the Temple of Dendur, remain murky, but what we do know is that the Avengers foiled a terrorist plot centered on the Metropolitan Museum of Art and The Central Park Zoo on Friday night.

Several animals were reportedly released from the zoo, including a number of monkeys, frogs, and ants. Several passersby also claimed to have encountered an enormous horned cat, and at least one claimed that it insulted them "like it was from Elizabethan times," though Zoo officials claim that the Zoo does not currently house such a creature, and the _Bugle's_ scientific expert, Dr. Otto Octavius, insists that horned cats do not exist in nature, 

The _Bugle _is happy to report that, according to the NYPD, all animals were safely returned-- including the ants-- by none other than The Incredible Hulk himself. A nigh security guard for the Zoo claims that the Hulk carried the ants back in its large, cupped hands, and said "Ants bite Hulk hands. So tiny." before depositing the ants in a large plastic bucket.__

__The terrorist cell in question claims the name HYDRA, though whether they are in any way related to the famed Nazi splinter group featured in the "Captain America" comic books remains to be seen. NYPD suggests that it is likely the group is using the title as a means of distraction. Our eyewitness bystanders also claim to have seen the recently-dubbed "Spider-Man" on the scene. We can only wonder if this new local menace has any connection to the terrorist group in question._ _

__Rumors that Captain America was seen, shield in hand, on the night of the attack had been circulated but we unconfirmed until yesterday, when Captain Rogers was seen out and about in the vicinity of Stark Tower. The good Captain, as you can see from the accompanying photos by freelance journalist Peter Parker, has lost a significant amount of weight, and is sporting an uneven tan and a very close-cropped hairstyle instead of his signature blond locks. His hands were bandaged and one arm was in a red, white, and blue sling-- our sources confirm that he was injured in the battle at the Museum._ _

__Most notably, of course, Captain Rogers was seen in the very attentive presence of one Mr. Tony Stark (you know who he is), walking Rogers' dog, Moose, a large German Shepherd/Great Pyrenees mix who has become a popular fixture in Central Park, around the southwest corner of the park. After the leak of the now-notorious "elevator photos" a month ago, followed by rumors that Rogers was seen canoodling with an attractive brunette in South America, and silence on the subject from Mr. Stark himself, the question of Rogers' involvement with his fellow Avenger has been on the tip of everyone's tongue-- though quite a lot of our readers have accepted it as fact._ _

Captain Rogers reportedly wore loose-fitting jeans, high-top Chuck Taylors, and a plain white tee shirt with a blue cardigan. Mr. Stark was seen wearing black jeans, white running shoes, and a comfortable black hooded sweatshirt. While they both wore sunglasses, neither seemed to be making a serious effort to disguise their identities.

__While our photographer has not been able to provide photos, several passersby claim to have seen the men kiss once or twice, "chastely," according to one report, during their afternoon walk, and Mr. Stark stopped to sign autographs, though Captain Rogers could not hold a pen._ _

__"He offered to sign my comic book with his teeth!" said a high school student from Queens and frequent commenter on the _Bugle_ message board, who requested that she only be identified as "iheartspidey98." "They were so cute. Tony kept checking to see if Steve was okay; they're totally going to get married." _ _

__Though other readers remain skeptical. According to our reader poll, 22% believe the two are, in fact, in a relationship, which 38% suspect that it is merely a publicity stunt. 10% are convinced that the photographs were faked, and 8% guess that the men "were just really wasted," the night of the purported elevator incident. 6% don't know, while the remaining 16% claim not to care (we know they're lying)._ _

__Either way, this writer is pleased to see Captain America back at his post. Welcome back, Cap!_ _

Late evening update: Reports are coming in that the pair was seen sharing one side of a booth and a very large bacon cheeseburger tonight at P.J. Clarke's, not far from Stark Tower. One eyewitness described our local heroes as "very cuddly," while another claimed that Mr. Stark was feeding french fries to the injured Captain America.

__**Due to numerous inquiries, the _Bugle_ would like to inform its readers the the Zoo is open and fully operational, while the Metropolitan Museum of Art will be closed until at least May 1 to assess damage and make preliminary repairs. ** _ _


	643. Thoroughly-certified College Man

T--

I thought you liked keeping them guessing, no?

Becky's helping me sort through things in my room. It's incredibly frustrating watching this teeny pixie of a thing lifting all the heavy boxes while I can't strain my hands. Bruce says they should be mostly better in time for class...especially since the serum seems to be back up to its usually levels of productivity, but for now...Becky tells me to tell you she's mocking me appropriately.

We're going to set the room up as sort of...well, we're keeping the bed in here, but mostly as a sort of art studio/study, since I'd rather spend my nights with you until I leave, if it's all the same. You did a great job picking out furniture, really-- I've got the bookshelves along one wall, and the space kind of divided. It feels a little weird to be finally setting up my own bedroom when I'm about to move out, but it's nice to know there's a space waiting for me when I get back home.

UPenn does two intensive semesters over the summer, so right now, my plan is actually to try to finish up the credits I would need to apply toward completing the degree I'm a year away from finishing. I spoke to someone at the registrar, and they told me they might not be able to accept credits from 1941, but that they'd consider making an exception for my unique situation.

If I play my cards right, I might be a thoroughly-certified college man by the end of the summer. It means doing art history instead of the social responsibility program I had been looking at, but I can audit those classes-- at least, the ones that fall outside my course schedule.

I made good on my promise to Natasha and met with Fury, withdrew my resignation. They're requiring a full neurological examination before I leave. I can't blame them. We worked out a plan for my reinstatement, since I won't be cleared for about five weeks due to the fractures-- Bruce thinks it'll be better sooner, but SHIELD's being careful. I'll be taking a leave without pay while I finish up school, but Fury promised to make sure I get a check for the five weeks that I wouldn't be able to work.

I don't know how to-- Fury asked me how I was planning to pay for college; I told him I had a little money saved and I'd borrow the rest. And he gave me a blank check made out to the UPenn registrar. Turns out he's been putting a chunk of my salary in a savings account because Natasha told him I'd give it all to charity. There's enough in there to pay for the whole summer, and then some. He told me he'd mail me another at the start of next semester, and that if I have any more propositions on how to spend it, he's all ears.

I'm not happy about people deciding that they get to make these decisions for me, especially after everything else SHIELD's done in what was supposedly my best interest. But technically, they're correct. I would have given it all away. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but enough people around me seem to think there is (present company included).

Going through boxes, we found one of your dad's old photo albums. I don't know how you'll feel about this, but this picture of me and Howard was in one of them, and I thought that maybe you should have that. I scanned it in, in case you want a print. But it also reminded me to go back through Howard's notes. I wanted you to see this--It was crumpled up and covered with ink blots. Not that it reminds me of anyone I know, really.

Remember, we are ordering team dinner tonight. Natasha's calling Ben's Kosher Deli; make sure you let me or her know what you want if you've got a preference. Otherwise, we're going to just get a ton of knishes and pastrami and matzoh ball soup. I'd happily make you french toast, but I've got to keep the splints on. I'll order you around the kitchen? 

I love you.

\--S

__________

_M--_

_You need to cut the hogwash and put this mission behind you once and for all. We've got no evidence to support any of our hopes, apart from a few rumors, and your increasing fixation in the face of failure is making it practically impossible to cut our losses regarding the project._

_I know I agreed to support you in this, but I'm wasting money and resources on a snark-hunt. Your son misses you; he keeps asking for you, and you know I don't know what to do with him when he gets like this. He wants his mother. I know I should be the last one to have anything to say about this kind of thing, but maybe it's time to let ghosts be ghosts, yeah?_

_Please come home. I love you._

_\--H_

 


	644. I don't remember

Steve,

I’m glad you like the furniture – it’s not really my style, but it seemed like the kind of thing you’d enjoy having in your space. I’m glad you’re setting it up – I always want you to feel like you have a place here, regardless of what’s going on with you-and-me. Let me know if it’s missing anything or if you want me to go ahead and add the private garden – I left plans a landscaper drew up on the desk for you to glance at. It’d be more convenient to get that work started while you’re out of town.

It sounds like UPenn is exactly what you need. I don’t think many people out there actually give a shit what subject your undergraduate work is in – if you like school and decide to continue with a more hands-on postgraduate degree it might be necessary to take a few supplemental courses, but you might enjoy that too. We'll talk about the money later. You're not going to learn to manage your finances unless you have control over your finances, so that needs to change. I'm not going to tell you what to do with it, as long as you don't give it the the Toothless Orphans' Dental Fund or something.

Attached is a little something I worked up last night for you. Pepper has access to Jarvis through her tech, but she was adamant about not wiring the Philly house for an AI. So… meet your knew Starkwatch, which includes a link to Jarvis. It should allow you to dictate letters, texts, and make calls with voice command keywords. You can speak to it like you would speak to J in the house, but this way you won’t go without or have to carry around a Starkpad with your busted hands. It’s also got a flashlight function, a recorder function (if you want to record lectures), a radio, and the housing still had enough room for a small camera. 

I don’t know what to make of that note - I don’t remember missing my mother. I wonder if she ever found what she was looking for.

I read over the notes on your press conference script on the Met, and I think it looks good. Even though Rhodey is doing the bulk of the talking I'm sure you'll get a lot of questions when the Q&A opens up. Focus on the positives rather than allow them to trap you into elaborating on the damage, and if questions are leading -- just remember, a shockingly small amount of things were _actually_ destroyed, and I've committed to a serious donation in the name of the team, so odds are good the Met will come out on top at the end of the day.

I wonder if it would be worth it to go public with your potential art history degree sometime soon -- that would demonstrate your commitment to repairs and recovery, though it might draw more attention to your schooling than you'd prefer.

(Also, I don't think you should shave. That fresh-from-the-jungle look will shock people, it might work in your favor.)

See you at dinner – test the watch before then, I’ll bring my toolkit just in case it needs any adjustments. Remember, I'm willing to show up for the conference for moral support -- entirely up to you.

T


	645. Set the record straight

Thanks, Tony. Thanks for the watch, and the garden, and...everything, really.

I don't know how you did it; you just-- after everything that happened, you've pulled me right back into your life without question. I know we've still got our differences, but I know you, and I know you're not usually one to forgive so easily.

I feel like I need to ask you if you know you can be angry. You don't have to be on best behavior or give me incentives to keep me from leaving. You know I'm a stubborn ass; once I have my sights set on something, I don't let it go so easy.

I think you're right about school. I want people to know why I'm in Philly. I don't want them to have to speculate because I've surprised them. I think, after all the questions about where I've been and what I've been doing and why I disappeared, there are probably a few things I want to set the record straight about.

Thanks for looking over the notes. I'll probably manage this Tony Stark style, and wing it. I'm confident it'll be fine, but I'd love it if you came and cheered me on. I think you will, too.

See you for dinner,

Steve

PS: About your parents-- I put the notes on our shared drive so you can see them for yourself. He wrote about her all the time. And you. And since I know I maybe trip up when it comes to saying what I need to say to the person who needs to hear it, I really think you should.


	646. Don't be late.

Tony--

I know how much you love to ditch things, so let's just say you'd better damn well make the press conference. No excuses. I've put sixteen alerts on your phone and asked Jarvis to shut down all workshop operations at 9:45 tomorrow morning regardless of any excuses. Steve's really gonna need the moral support for this one, is all I'm saying. Don't be late.

\--Jim


	647. A Definite Upgrade

**{HOUSESTARK SECURITY MONITOR ACTIVE 2014}**

[LOCATION ID - LIVING ROOM LVL -1]

{{RECORDING}}

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I would be delighted, my love! Portland is the stuff of legend this time of year, the craggy rocks of the coastline much like the Fjords of home! I have been regaling Bruce with tales of its glory.

[footsteps]

[grumbling]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Where the fuck did I leave my….

[silence]

Oh. Uh. Hi.

[quick footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Friend Clint! I am about to embark on a journey to Maine to visit my beloved, and see the wonders of Bar Harbor, which my dear Jane informs me is named for a sandbar, though it also boasts many fine drinking establishments. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It, uh, yeah. It does. Water’s cold, though.

I’m… just looking for my, you haven’t seen my power cable, have you? No? Great, I’ll just…

[footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Was it not ensconced in yonder surge protector? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I … huh, yeah. Thanks.

[footsteps]

[power cord disengaging]

[footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** My friend, I have never heard you so sparse with your words; something weighs heavy upon your heart.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [silence]

Yeah, thanks for noticing. I’m … kinda pissed at you, which I didn’t even think was possible.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Speak freely; whatever I have done, I am duty-bound on my honor as a Prince of Asgard to listen without judgment.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You -- the worst fucking thing about being pissed at you is that sometimes you make it really hard to stay mad, and I have a good fucking reason to be pissed.

You -- let your fucking brother run --

[silence]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Go on. Perhaps we might sit. 

[couch cushions shifting] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** …. yeah, alright. You want a beer?

[footsteps]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I would be honored to partake in your Miller Genuine Draft.

[minibar fridge cracking]

[bottles clanking]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** But you must state your plaint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You let your creepy pregnant cat brother piss in my shoes, sleep on my bed, and fucking hang out in my house.

Our house. Which is a very, very, very fine house, but that cat should not be in the fucking yard.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I cannot disagree with your exclamation upon the fineness of this home, but if you will hear me out, I was unaware of my brother’s deceptions when first he came into our home. To be sure, I believed him dead. When I discovered his identity, my concern was for my unborn niece and nephews.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** When did you figure that shit out? Because you should have told us. You know what he -- was responsible for.

You’re saying our safety was trumped by a bunch of kittens.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** And my kinsmen. And were you in danger, I would have been the first to stand before my brother. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I don’t -- 

[leather creaking]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I am truly sorry for the hurt my brother has visited upon you, but he is also my brother, and I believe with time he will learn the error of his ways. As it is, he can do little harm at present, and I feel better for it. He has been removed to Asgard, where there are eyes upon his every move.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You still should have fucking asked us. You should have let us know. He’s -- it’s -- been running around unattended while you were in Egypt, it got into Stark’s bunker, you -- 

I get that you’re a fucking demi-god or whatever, thousands of years old blah blah bullshit… you next to the team is like Hulk with his ants. But you should have _told us._

 **ODINSON.Thor:** You have my most humble apologies, and my word as a Prince of Asgard that your plaints shall not go unanswered. What must I do in recompense? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [teeth grinding] He should be in jail. Or _dead_.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** He was imprisoned a year and more beneath the stones of our home, and when our most valiant mother was wrested from us by creatures hellbent on destruction, there was nought he could do. Perhaps you think that not suffering enough, but it is neither of ours to judge where justice has prevailed. I can only offer redress for my own actions against you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** I just -- I can’t. 

[pacing footsteps]

I need a vacation.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Perhaps you might consider Maine. I am sure Jane would welcome you there! 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [groan]

I’m mad at you, dude. I don’t want to go hang out with your girlfriend. Not that she isn’t, you know. Lovely and all.

Did Tony say anything to you about it?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Tony has been most occupied with the return of our Captain, but he made his concerns known to me. 

Did you not have struggles with your own brother, my friend? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Of course I have. I try to keep him at arm’s length for a reason, dude. I also don’t force people he brutalized to hang out with him.

I mean, it sucked for all of us. And I’m lucky I’m not dead, or worse. But you _know_ what he -- 

[gulping beer]

This is why I didn’t talk to you about it. Because I’m pissed and this doesn’t feel productive. Ugh.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** It is not our to play with the transit of time, or I would right this, but it is in the past, and I have offered already to do what you require of me. You need only speak it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** You sound like you want another fancy quest. I … don’t really work that way.

[beer sloshing]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Our own mother was slaughtered, the one person we both loved most in all the realms. I believed him gone from me forever; I had seen his murder with my own eyes, and I put all thoughts of anger at his past betrayals behind me at the discovery of his good health. It did my heart good to have him near for a time, and I did not consider it at your expense. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Yeah. That sucks. 

It all sucks. I don’t even know if I’m actually mad at you or pissed off that your douchey brother still has this much of an effect on me. It’s been literal _years_.

[sigh]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** He will not enter this house again, as man nor beast, without your say-so. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** It’s not really up to me. It’s Tony’s house.

That’s, uh, probably a good start. 

Friends?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** In light of the hands we have both been dealt by blood, perhaps someday brothers? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [laugh]

Well, you’d be a definite upgrade.

[bottles clinking]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** I will drink a toast to that! 

[swallowing]

**{Saving...}**


	648. You still want to take this one, Steve?

From:  
Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: Press this! 

Tony, baby--

Gosh, Steve must have one lucky, lucky boyfriend. 

Sending you the clippings from the press conference; get ready for the world's hugest list of links ever; the story is fucking EVERYWHERE. I literally got stopped on the street coming to the tower by a SEA OF PEOPLE asking me for a comment. 

I love you crazy kids. Tell Steve he's got to get better fast; he's going to have a lot of interview requests flying at him. 

Smooches. 

\--Becky

_Steve "Captain America" Rogers and Colonel James Rhodes of the US Marines, better known as *coughWarMachinecoughcoughwemeanIronPatriot* met with the press this morning to answer questions about last Friday's attack on the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Central Park Zoo._

_As we've learned from Avengers-related press conferences of yore, the topics on the agenda completely threw us all for a loop._

_See if you spot the record-scratch moment below. (Hint:you will)_

_Captain Rogers took the podium first, to warm applause. He appeared well- groomed but looking worse for wear, with both hands splinted and one arm in a sling, and visible bruises and marks on his face. He appeared to have lost significant weight, sported an uneven tan (sunglass lines, anyone?) and a buzz cut, but was impeccably dressed in a navy suit from the latest Van Dyne Menswear collection._

_Transcript follows._

S.R.: Hi, Ladies and Gentlemen. Hi. Yes.

[Cheers and whistles]

S.R.: What, you don't want to wait to hear what I have to say? Look, I didn't even bother _bringing_ cards this time. 

[laughter]

S.R.: Well, it's not like I can hold them with these things on my fingers. 

[whistles]

S.R.: I see we've got Buzzfeed with us this time! And Cracked. You folks are covering actual news now? I can just forward you the photos I took of the top ten times Hawkeye ate pancakes if you want 'em.

[laughter]

We could do both. 

But I'm just here as a formality; we just wanted to stamp out any rumors about my whereabouts and current activities. I've been in South America the past few months, and Jim is going to touch on that in just a minute, but I'm back now.

[cheers]

I'm currently off the Avengers roster due to, uh, extremely brightly-colored injuries. You can blame Tony Stark for these. 

[ _Captain Rogers pointed out Mr. Stark, who was sitting in the first row. Mr. Stark acknowledged the audience with a wave._

I'll be spending the summer in Philadelphia-- 

[boos]

\--eating cheesesteaks and finishing college-- what? What's wrong with Philly? I feel like Captain America needs to spend at least a little time in the birthplace of our nation, you know, check out the Liberty Bell and Constitution Hall…and I just wanted to take a moment to remind all of you who have served at least ninety days with the U.S. Military, or have been honorably discharged or discharged for a service-related injury after thirty days, that you're elegible for training and tuition assistance through the G.I. Bill, and you can find out more at http://www.benefits.va.gov/gibill/post911_gibill.asp. I will advise, though, that you're better off being on record as serving and not signing up for a secret government experiment, especially if you were born before Social Security and don't have a birth certificate, unless you really, really enjoy red tape.

Q. Captain Rog--

S.R.: I know, I know, everybody's got a lot of questions, but let's hear from Colonel Rhodes first, and we'll take questions together. 

So, without further ado, Colonel Rhodes. 

[applause]

J.R.: Thanks, Steve. As Captain Rogers said, we know you have a lot of questions, so I'll make the statement brief. As you know, a terrorist group calling themselves HYDRA, which appears to have links to the Nazi-related organization made famous in the Captain America comic books, staged an attack on the Metropolitan Museum of Art on Friday night. While extensive structural damage was done to the northeast section of the museum, all artwork remains intact. 

The situation was complicated when a guerilla animal rights activist organization comprised of, ahem, illegal aliens, chose Friday night to release a number of animals from the nearby Central Park Zoo, but we're happy to say that all animals were returned to their cages without serious incident. The activists in question have since been deported to their home…country. 

There were several casualties related to the incident, but as they were all HYDRA agents, we will be contacting their families privately where applicable and not releasing names to the public. Several of those casualties included names on SHIELD's internal 'most wanted' list. 

This attack was the culmination of several months of work on the part of Captain Rogers and the rest of the Avengers Initiative, who isolated a particularly deadly HYDRA cell working out of Bolivia. After a number of successful operations in South America, Captain Rogers returned home, at which point the Avengers were able to identify a live cell here in New York. 

As of this morning, further information has linked HYDRA with Roxxon Oil Corporation, and that information has been fully turned over to law enforcement to act upon as they see fit. 

The Avengers Initiative was instrumental in containing and eliminating the threat, and it was an honor to work with them. 

Questions? 

Q.: I have a question for Captain Rogers.

S.R.: I'm sorry, I'm just up here to look pretty. I'll be deferring to Colonel Rhodes for this session. You're welcome to ask him your question, if you want.

Q.: Colonel Rhodes, what is the official response to rumors that this attack was somehow magical in nature?

J.R.: Well, magic is always a tricky issue. It's not really a word us scientists like to throw around. But SHIELD did call in an expert on metaphysical anomalies to investigate, and we can pretty much assure you that we're not dealing with, like, a Night at the Museum type situation, here. No mystical cursed artifacts coming back to life.

Q.: Can you tell us more about Roxxon's involvement?

J.R.: I'm afraid I have to leave that up to the police. I'm sure you'll be hearing more shortly. 

Q.: Can we ask about Captain Rogers' alleged romantic invol--

J.R.: No, no we can't. What are you asking; you're from the A.P., not Seventeen Magazine. 

Q.: What about this girl you were seen with in South America, Captain Rogers? Rachel Leighton? 

J.R.: She was assisting Captain Rogers on mission in South America. She does have a criminal record as per earlier reports, but she's since turned herself in to the authorities and agreed to full cooperation in bringing HYDRA to justice in return for protection. A lot of our current intel on HYDRA and Roxxon is thanks to Miss Leighton.

Q.: And were the Captain and Miss Leighton romantically--

S.R.: I'll take this. We were posing as a married couple on vacation during the mission. I also dyed my hair brown and told people my name was Rogers Stevens, so take anything you hear out of South America with a grain of salt. Apart from the alpacas. Any rumor you hear about alpacas is true. 

[laughter]

S.R.: I couldn't help myself. They're just too adorable. 

J.R.: Steve, what are you implying? 

S.R.: Jim, what do you think I'm implying? God, have you no shame? 

[laughter]

J.R.: Neeeeeeext question. Ms. Everhart? 

Q.: There's a big hole in this story, and it's just…The Metropolitan Museum of Art? Why? Why would a terrorist organization purportedly driven by Nazi principles choose an art museum as a target? Were they planning to rob it? Something doesn't add up here. 

S.R.: Jim, do you mind if I?

J.R.: What's the matter, Steve, are you getting antsy, not being the center of attention? 

S.R.: You have me mixed up with Tony.

J.R.: Oh, yeah, I can see him squirming in his seat down there. Hey, Tony. Hey. Yeah, put the phone away. Listen to your friends for five minutes? 

[chuckles]

You still want to take this one, Steve?

S.R.: Do I ever. So. Roxxon and HYDRA have been apparently working in tandem for at least the past several months. You all remember the attack at New Year's? We believe that was orchestrated by HYDRA agents, based on our security footage. Stark Industries has been a major target on Roxxon's radar ever since Mr. Stark's become more serious about replacing fossil fuels with green energy-- I'm sure you've all been covering the Stark-Viastone agreement, and the first station is going live on Stark-generated power next month in L.A. You're all invited to the party. It's on Mr. Stone's dime, I'm sure he'd love it if all his competitors crashed.

So the target here, from the beginning, has been Mr. Stark. From what we can understand about HYDRA'S goals, they meant to coerce Mr. Stark into canceling his clean energy plans, among other things. 

The target was always Mr. Stark. Mr. Stark has already pledged to pay for the repairs to the Sackler wing and to support a new art education program for young cancer patients, in partnership with Sloan-Kettering Memorial Hospital, where we've both volunteered. 

[hush, applause]

The Museum, as far as we can tell, was never intended to be in the crossfire. But it unfortunately suffered collateral damage because I'd just gotten back from South America and my boyfriend and I pulled some strings to get an after-hours viewing. 

[murmurs]

Q.: Sorry, did you just say--

S.R.: No, no, we didn't abuse any political connections or anything like that, and it wasn't an Avengers-related activity at all. I want to make it clear that there was nothing unethical about the visit; we gave them a sizable donation. It was just your typical, run of the mill welcome-home-date-on-a-billionaire-budget. I just-- I _do_ want everyone to rest assured that the visit was entirely above-boards, and the museum was well-compensated. Well. Well-compensated for your average night that doesn't include a terrorist attack. 

[murmurs] 

S.R.: We are both incredibly, incredibly sorry about the damage; it showed a terrible lack of foresight on our part, and we're both going to do whatever we can to make sure that the burden for the repairs doesn't fall on the museum, members, or taxpayers. 

J.R.: So we've got time for just one more question… Yes, you? Daily Bugle? 

Q.: Just to clarify, did you-- 

J.R.: And let's circle away from the museum, now, if we can. I think we've spent plenty of time on that subject.

Q.: [cough] Uh. Should we be afraid of a counterattack or increased terrorist activities from HYDRA?

J.R.: If I'm being frank, HYDRA is out there, and they're a real threat. The fact that their organization is deeply rooted in Nazi philosophy is pretty goddamn scary. But as to being afraid? Don't be. That's what we're here for. 

Q.: Captain Rogers, did you just confirm--

S.R.: Sorry, we're out of time! But I'd love to chat later. 

J.R.: Thanks, everyone, for coming out today. 

_So…we did all see that, didn't we? The question of the day is: **Did Captain America just say what we think he said? And was that a little double entendre on the part of Colonel Rhodes?**. Tweet us your thoughts at @nycdailybugle_


	649. Threaten to kneecap me

S - 

You are the most ridiculous person on planet earth. You're -- you're so dangerous, I fucking love watching you dance with the press. It was well done, just the right amount of blasé indifference.

Of course, considering how freaking delicious you looked in that navy suit, who could blame me for climbing you like a tree backstage?

T

PS I was planning on coming when you asked me to! You didn't need to have Rhodey threaten to kneecap me, I am totally capable of showing up at things on time. Totally.


	650. US Forest Service

T--

If you ever do that to a tree, I'm going to have to have you reported to the US Forest Service. 

We're eating in tonight. Dancing or no, I've had enough press for a while.

\--S


	651. I am not, in fact, dead

from: you know who i am ([starkaholic@hotmail.com]())  
to: fuck yeah ([kissmyasteroids@aol.com]())  
subject: Alive.

T-

This is your notification that I am not, in fact, dead. That said, your restraining order still stands; contact me again and I won't hesitate to extend my team's legal action against you.

You stole my suit; that's so much more than I am prepared to forgive you for. It’s no small miracle you weren’t killed in the crossfire the other night – you’re welcome for saving your life.

Stay the fuck out of my way and I'll consider seeing you at the west coast release party next month. 

-T


	652. Acts of good faith, blah blah blah

Tony,

I got a fax this morning from your favorite media conglomerate owner. He says he received your note and in the interest of illustrating his commitment to abiding by your requests or some very long-winded shit, he was going through the proper channels and contacting me. 

He asked me to remind you that he has not gone public with the actual course of events that took place at the museum, nor has he pressed charges for assault in spite of suffering a broken nose, rope burns, a slight concussion, and emotional trauma, and he hopes these decisions will be seen as acts of good faith, blah blah blah.

He says he'll see you on the west coast next month and that he's been working with a group he'd like to introduce you to, re: promotional opportunities. 

I sent him a form letter response. I figured he'd get the picture. 

Also! Congratulations on being the most talked-about news ANYWHERE this morning. Walking through Times Square, they were just showing that video on loop, the one where you had to pick your jaw up off the floor at Steve's press conference dealie. Aunt Susie called and talked my ear off for a half an hour; she kept reminding me that you stayed at her house that one time with Bruce. Anyway, it's crazy that Steve's leaving and I still haven't met him. Do you guys want to go to all you can eat yakitori before he takes off for PA? I would LOVE to challenge his to a battle of appetites!

Jen


	653. mucking out the Augean Stable

Jen -

Thanks for that. Sorry you're basically mucking out the Augean Stable that is my personal life ... form letters are good, anything that keeps him from feeling special is good. He won't hesitate to take his version of events public, and I really need the world to not realize that Steve was being mind controlled. We might be able to convince people it was part of his cover, but Ty would suppress the story pretty handily.

I still have another two weeks to plan before he can legally access me again... any chance of drafting a contract that prohibits him disclosing those events in exchange for the restraining orders being terminated pending further incidents?

Yakitori sounds amazing. Yes, please. Pick a night.

T


	654. On Second Thought

Tony--

No problem, but check the attached letter. I'd rather exchange his non-disclosure for, oh, not taking further legal action than you already have. I'm not dropping the pending SI suits against him, but we can play those off as business-not-personal. I definitely wouldn't eliminate my ability to get a restraining order against that guy, if I were you.

\--Jen

P.S. On second thought, I could just punch him for you.

P.P.S. Okay. Let's do tomorrow. I'm looking forward to FINALLY meeting the boyfriend! I've seen photos. He's cute.


	655. Your hair

S - 

Just in case you're still nervous about the move to Philly, remember: Steve Rogers never lets shit get him down. 

T

PS your hair is hard to draw.


	656. The likeness is astounding.

T--

I'll take it with me to Philly and pin it on my wall; the likeness is astounding.

You reminded me that I haven't drawn you any instructions in a while.

My hand is killing me, so rather than scolding me for over-exerting myself, I expect gushing praise. 

Now that this is in rule form, you are hereby obligated to follow them.

-S


	657. Really Into Patriotism

T--

Sneaking adoring soundbytes into news articles? Is this petty revenge for my press conference surprise? 

The party was terrific, even if Jen won the impromptu slider-eating contest. I don't know how she DOES that; she was still going when I felt like I was going to puke. I'm going to have to work on my stomach muscles or something. Thanks for the spectacular send-off. It finally feels like I'm home again, and it's already time to leave. 

Consider me thoroughly schooled on the subject of 'our song.' In front of a hundred of your closest friends, really? I guess you really can't overdo a good thing.

God, I'm going to miss you.

Love,

S

After the most sideways coming-out statement since Jodie Foster announced she wasn't coming out at the 2013 Golden Globes, Steve Rogers and Tony Stark have become New York's most in-demand celebrity couple overnight (not that they weren't in demand before that, but we didn't know whether they were a couple!). With the warning that Rogers is leaving to finish college next week, there's been none of the red carpet or VIP appearances we've come to expect from Tony Stark's high-profile romances, and while the two have been spotted around Manhattan since the announcement, the most star-studded event they've been seen at was the hastily-planned and relatively intimate (by Tony Stark standards) dinner for the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the Bronx Zoo, on the roof deck of Stark Tower.

Mr. Stark's fundraiser was invitation-only, limited to one hundred guests and select members of the press. Stark, who has been uncharacteristically quiet since Rogers' announcement, was generous enough to speak with us for a few moments-- though it was obvious from the way his attention kept straying to his new, muscular blond boyfriend that his attention was elsewhere. 

"Was I surprised? By the timing, yes, by the announcement, not so much. Steve crashes airplanes into icebergs," Stark said, chuckling. "This kind of thing is par for the course with him."

He went on to add: "No one should feel like they can't be honest about themselves with the people they care about. Steve's heart is just so big it took a nationally televised press conference to cover the bases."

The fundraiser doubled as a going-away party for Captain Rogers, who will be spending his summer in Philadelphia, completing a B.A. in Art History. Captain Rogers tells the _Bugle_ that he plans to concentrate in 20th century American Art. "I missed a lot of it the first time around, you know?" said a smiling Captain Rogers, stroking his recently-acquired beard. "But it's great-- it's a great way to understand the contemporary American identity, how we viewed and understood our history as it unfolded." 

Of course, the announcement has stirred quite a controversy-- it's one thing for a celebrity to come out of the closet, but when that celebrity is a superhero meant to reflect the core values of America, everybody's got something to say about it.

"We're all really excited," said Miss Gwen Stacy, President of the New York Public Schools United Gay-Straight Alliance. "It's great to see a role model like Captain America make a statement like that. A lot of us look up to him. And it makes it feel like he's...he's one of us. There are suddenly lots of kids really into patriotism around here." 

"I don't make it policy to comment on the personal lives of government agents," said President Ellis, "but Captain Rogers and Mr. Stark are two of the finest Americans I know, and I wish them the best in whatever they do." 

Not everyone is as positive. Senator Stern, R-PA, called for Captain Rogers to return the uniform. "I don't mind gay people," said Sen. Stern. "I have gay friends. I just don't think they should be shoving their personal lives in everyone's face. It's not appropriate behavior for someone wearing the stars and stripes, to be so...overt about his sex life. And this really calls into question-- you know, who-- who's calling the shots around here when it comes to Captain America? Do we feel safe knowing that Tony Stark might be able to influence the leader of the Avengers in, in, you know, that way?" 

Yet others have been calling into question Mr. Stark's playboy reputation. After his two-year relationship with Stark Industries CEO, Pepper Potts, imploded last falls, Stark had returned to his famed bad-boy behavior, while Captain Rogers is notoriously squeaky-clean. A source close to the couple suggested that it was unlikely to last, given their differences in lifestyle.

And of course, the Sons and Daughters of the Second Amendment have been demanding that Cap surrender a blood sample for testing, claiming that this man couldn't be the original Steve Rogers, and this recent announcement is all part of a ploy to discredit a national icon.

"That's just absurd," said a spokesperson for SHIELD. "SHIELD has all of Captain Rogers' medical records; we guarantee that this is the genuine article." 

We can tell you that the affection between the two Avengers seemed genuine-- Mr. Stark asked guests at his dinner to clear the dance floor so he could serenade his new beau before his departure, with the classic 1941 pop song "Why Don't We Do This More Often?" And the Captain sang every word right along with him.


	658. Smaller, more approachable

T--

The Acela train was comfy and clean, and I chatted with some of the other passengers on the way down. I could tell some of them recognized me, but they were polite about it and sort of pretended not to. 

I guess dogs aren't usually allowed on the train, but they make exceptions for service dogs. I got a seat by the door where there's extra space for luggage and wheelchairs, and he didn't whine one bit. 

Pepper met me at the train, and it's only about a ten minute walk to campus…she insisted on wheeling my bag, even if my hands are mostly better. 

I haven't been to Philly since the USO tour, and most of that was spent in a theater and at a couple formal functions in hotels, not walking around these pretty, tree-lined streets.

There's something homey about it, almost instantly. It feels...a little more like New York before the war. Smaller, more approachable. Not quite as monolithic. I did almost get hit by a car as soon as I stepped outside of the station, though...apparently jaywalking never really caught on around here. 

My bedroom's blue. Not bright, Captain America blue, but sort of slate-grey-blue like the sky over the beach on a rainy day. I unpacked the stuff you had shipped; I'm pretty sure I don't need six sets of Iron Man sheets, but some local charity is going to be delighted. 

Pepper bought furniture for my room at an estate sale; I've got a nice solid wood dresser and an old brass bed that is definitely big enough for two people and a dog should anyone happen to be interested in staying the night. There's windows in two walls, and enough space in here for a desk and a drafting table. 

It's a cute house; there's a living room, dining room, kitchen downstairs, a nice yard, and then three bedrooms-- Pepper's using the third as an office. It's on a nice little tree-lined street and probably the closest I'll ever get to living in the suburbs. The mansion doesn't count; you need other houses in proximity for it to be the suburbs. Compared to the Tower, it's practically rural. 

We went past the center of town and over to the Delaware River and Pepper bought me a cheesesteak (she said just looking at them clogged her arteries enough, thanks) and then she took me to this old-timey ice cream parlor, and they put my ice cream in a Chinese takeout-type container with lots of whipped cream. She wouldn't let me pay for anything-- how did the two of you ever manage to settle a check, really? You're both the same. She's pulling the sort of thing you'd pull and insisting it's because it's my first night, but we'll see.

I'm going to turn in. Take a break from the new suit. Eat something. I left you pot pie in the fridge. It's a little messy what with the hands being like they are, but it tastes delicious.  
Love

Steve


	659. Turnabout is totally fair play

Steve – 

It sounds like you’re really excited about everything. I could have told you Pepper would treat you out of house and home – don’t forget she’s the most well-compensated female CEO in the United States. Or was. Anyone who takes a break from a gig that high paying would hardly hesitate on buying dinner for a friend.

When we dated the money was never really an issue – by that time she’d lived with my extravagance for long enough that she didn’t mind me footing the bills.

How does Pepper look? She told me she went down St Bart’s with a colleague for a week off – I need you to be a fly on the wall for me. Was it a date? Did she get any nerdy tan lines? She’ terrible on beaches, always wears giant hats and complains about her freckles. Most importantly, I need to know if this person was younger than her – because turnabout is _totally_ fair play and she’s been teasing me about robbing the cradle for months.

The new suit’s coming along – not a lot of cosmetic changes but Jarvis and I are gutting the OS and getting a little crazy about it. Now that Ty’s gotten an up close and personal look at the code it seems smart – we’re also pulling the mansion security completely offline, making an intranet that should be a little bit tougher to crack.

I was called away to California last night, but I brought your shepherd’s pie with me and ate it on the plane. It was by far the best cabin chow I’ve had in years.

How does Moose like the yard? And the doghouse I sent him? I like Philly – you should probably go to Underdogs, Pepper used to take me there when we were in town for business and she was being strict about the gluten-free thing.

Your room sounds gorgeous, but if your furniture is antique I feel that I may need to come down and inspect it for safety reasons, make sure it passes muster. I’ll bring my screwdriver.

T


	660. You and your screwdriver

T--

You and your screwdriver can come down here any time.

Pepper got me the number for her therapist; I'll call in the morning. Is there anything I should be asking? 

Pepper looks like Pepper, I guess. I don't know; she always looks so well-put-together, even when she's in pajamas. Even her ponytail holder matches. It's some sort of talent of hers. 

She didn't say anything about a trip, and really the only person outside the team she's mentioned at length was Happy, so I don't know what to tell you. It sounds like they have some kind of Tony Stark Survivors support group going. If she's seeing someone; she's playing her cards close to her chest-- what do you think? She knows I'm beholden to report back to you. I wouldn't tell me anything, either.

Look, this is silly. I'm still using text-to-speech-- I'd much rather talk to you directly. It's probably still too early for you, so call me when you get up?

Love you.

S.


	661. Profoundly uncomfortable

Legal – 

I’ve spent some time thinking about whether or not I want to take you up on your offer to share what you know about my mother. I’m not happy to do it – the fact that it’s necessary makes me pissed as hell. Even so, I need to. I want to know who she actually was, and it turns out that you’re the only person who can make that happen. 

I know you know more about my mother than you should. I can guess at why. And I get that recalling that kind of thing can’t be pleasant for you. So if your offer was genuine - and not something that will be profoundly uncomfortable for you - I’d like to talk.

Let me know.  
R&D


	662. I remember 1917.

Tony,

I don't want to overwhelm you with details, or make decisions for you about what you do or don't want to know. You say you want to know everything, but until you are aware of the breadth and depth of what everything is, I can't take it for granted that that's what you really mean. 

Here is the short version:

I was born in 1984. I remember 1917.

The Black Widow is built out of lies. Her story is changed, refined, rebuilt, the way the myth of Persephone changes, the stories of Ophelia and Juliet, the women who inhabit the maiden, the mother, and the crone. Some of my memories are true, and some of my memories are false, and there's no way for me to detangle the yarn of my own fate from the stories. They're all true to me. But I can guess at some of them.

The Red Room was initially developed by Russian-Jewish scientists at the end of the nineteenth century. They acted under the best intentions-- they were trying to help people, not hurt them. The first Black Widow was instrumental in uncovering the pact between Nathaniel Essex and Grigori Rasputin, and in effecting Rasputin's assassination. She never gave up her cover, and was murdered along with the rest of her family on July 18, 1918. 

When I came to the Red Room as a child, I had no surname, so they gave me hers. 

The Red Room changed, like any group changes, from something idealistic, meant to help people, to something terrible and shadowed. 

When the current Black Widow is no longer useful, another girl is called up. Her own memories are taken away from her, and replaced with the memories of the Black Widows who came before. They take our memories back from us at intervals, store them, to keep a record. When one of us dies or defects, there is of course a brief period of memory that's lost, but we have everything before that. It's why we all have some of the same mannerisms; it's why we wear the same perfume: sage and rosemary, both meant to enhance memory.

I remember meeting your father.

I remember choosing to leave. 

I also remember your parents' death. I remember having orders to kill you, too, but you were nowhere to be found. 

That happened when I was seven. None of these things happened to me, but I remember them as if they did.

That's why I asked to be assigned to you. It was a way of staring to repay the debt I'd accrued. It was the first time Fury trusted me on a solo assignment, and he understood why I needed it. 

I can't tell you if your mother loved your father. I can tell you she believed in his ideals. If you're hoping to unlock secrets about who they were to each other, or how either of the felt about you, that came after anything I know. 

What I can tell you is what she did for the Red Room, how they met, how they came to know each other, what made her decide to go with him, and what made him agree to take her. 

Decide if you want to know more. I'll tell you everything. 

\--Natasha


	663. So much as a glance

Legal,

I had guessed a lot of what you've told me -- not the content, but the context. I knew it wasn't going to be easy to hear when I asked.

You know I was supposed to go to the party - dad and I argued about a glass cutter I'd accidentally welded to a bench in his lab, and when mom came in with my pressed tux I told her to fuck off and leave me alone. Once they were gone I left home, rented a hotel room under an assumed name and spent the night with Ty. 

I didn't so much as glance at my mother - I didn't even know what she was wearing until they handed over her collected belongings in a plastic bag at the hospital.

You have her memories. All of that made her part of who she was, and they were the things she deliberately hid from me. I don't need an answer from you, but if I knew what she'd been through, I could at least make an educated guess on how she felt about Howard and about me.

I'd really rather do this in person than through letters.

R&D


	664. A Whole Meal of Dead Animals

Love-- 

Stark's got some things he wants to talk to me about, and I think he's a bit down over Steve leaving and it's making it worse. I know he dislikes that house on the best of days, but now with it empty, I can't help but think that it's got to remind him too much of his parents. And Steve being in that honeymoon period where he loves everything and anything that has anything to do with Philadelphia probably isn't helping-- he called me earlier and all he did was babble nonstop about cheesesteaks and museums.

Clint is...oddly enough, he took Thor to a karaoke bar. I'm slightly concerned, but not THAT concerned. They seem to have bonded all of a sudden overnight, and it's nice to see Clint have a friend he didn't rescue and/or sleep with, for once. Whatever Thor did or said to make amends for Loki clearly worked.

If you don't mind, why don't you take the night to work late and order yourself a pizza? I'm going to get Tony to take me out for bacon cheeseburgers and a whole meal of dead animals. Don't worry, I'll brush my teeth before I come to bed. 

Kisses,

N


	665. A matter of hours

Hey,

I can’t believe it’s been two days since I dropped you off at the train station. Thanks for letting me look over Bruce's final test results, I'm sleeping easier knowing the numbers myself… and all seems to be in order. There don't seem to be any magical side effects of your possession … none that are immediately apparent, anyway. But it’s nice to have that confirmed via my favorite thing in the world (science).

I talked to Pepper this afternoon – she said you were getting settled in and bought all her groceries in retaliation for the cheesesteak -- you sneaky thing, you. She also mentioned wanting to paint the living room sometime next month – if your hands are up to par by then, make sure you help her move furniture, alright? The woman make six figures and yet is too cheap to hire movers, go figure. She’s just as stubborn as you are, though, and will probably try to horse through it herself unless you step in and do some of the heavy lifting.

I realized when I got to California that you only took one of Moose's monogrammed dog beds – I can have another two or three sent down, if you like, to make sure he's got adequate snoozing pace on every floor. He really likes the green and gold one a lot, almost as much as the blue one, so … you know, I’ll send them down, just to be sure. Also, I’m having a three by two foot outdoor fountain delivered for the yard. Don’t let him scare the FedEx guys away with his big bad bark. 

I don’t want you to stress out about the therapy thing. It may seem like a big thing, but you're probably overthinking it. Focus on gearing up for your first real week of class… if you have the opportunity, you should go out and meet people and explore your new neighborhood and stuff. Your appointment will come and go and you'll get to know the therapist and decide if they're someone you feel comfortable chatting with, and if you're not comfortable you'll find someone else ... you don't go in and bare your soul straight away, you go in and see how it goes. And then you write me, of course, because while I am into respecting your privacy and everything I'm going to be super nosy demand immediately to know what went down. You can be vague, naturally, but I want to hear about it, even in broad strokes.

I miss you already and it’s only been a matter of hours. I can't wait to see your grown-up digs, sans Ikea beds and milk crates. Pep has strict instructions not to let you haul any "found" furniture into the house - it always has bugs and shit living in it, just say no.

Anyway. Let me know. Be good. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Or would do. Just – maybe use Pepper as a role model instead, alright? That's a much safer bet.

Give Moose a treat for me,

T

PS I know we video-chatted this morning, but I don't care. I like writing to you. Store up your response in your head and dictate it to me tonight, it'll be like you reading a letter out loud.


	666. It's hot as hell in Philadelphia!

Tony--

You'll be so proud. I used that gift card you gave me and went shopping for snappy new school duds. I kept the beard, by the by. You were right-- Pepper gave it the okay. For now. I want to show off my attempt to dress myself without your help or Natasha's. Chat me tonight? Actually, I'm just going to set an alert with Jarvis so you don't forget.

(And then I get to see your face.)

Everything is good. Pepper and I have been cooking together-- I'm a more practiced cook, but she's got this incredible ability to match flavors and taste things and know exactly what they're missing. Her kitchen is the kind of kitchen I've always wanted-- not as big as the one in the Tower (nothing is as big as the one in the Tower, one might think someone was trying to compensate for something when they build that monstrosity) but bright and airy with a big workspace. We got a pasta maker! We're going to try to make ravioli! 

The dog beds came-- you really didn't need to overnight them. Moose is overjoyed; we've got the green and gold one in the breakfast nook now. The other one's in my bedroom, but of course he's been sleeping with me. Somebody really seems to have gotten used to sharing a bed in my absence; I wonder who could have taught him that, Mr. No-Dog-In-The-Bed.

This is a ridiculous number of dog beds for the size of this house, and you should have seen him wagging his tail when his gift basket arrived. (Where's my gift basket?) He likes the liver and cheddar treats best. He's having the time of his life, running around the yard and marking all Pepper's trees. Of course he loves his house. (But gold, really? Did it have to be metallic gold? The neighbors are going to complain about the public eyesore, just watch.)

I went out and got curtains and sheets and things, and it's quite satisfying to have a bedroom that isn't decorated with a single piece of licensed merchandise. I picked up a drafting table at a garage sale, too, and I found a flyer for the continuing ed courses at the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts, so I'm going to try out this Wednesday night class on drawing fundamentals-- it says it's recommended for people who are a little rusty and trying to pick their skills back up, so it sounds like the right thing for me. 

I've been doing exactly what you asked and exploring the city and finding things I want to try. I went to see the Liberty Bell, and Independence Hall, and some kids on a school group recognized me, so I ended up taking a bunch of photos with them, you know, pretending to sign the Declaration of Independence and things, and then Pepper made me watch _1776_. I can't get that opening number out of my head. It's hot as hell in Philadelphia!

I took some good photos for DUM-E at the Franklin Institute; I know he was excited about Maillardet's Automaton.

The city seems to be thrilled I'm here, too-- I've got competing invitations to fireworks displays for Memorial Day. I think I'm going to accept the one at Sesame Place, since they want to seat me with Big Bird and Elmo. That seems to have about as much gravity as suits me at the moment.

Say hello to everyone. Barton sent me a stuffed Iron Man pillow doll in the mail. It looks sort of terrifying, though, so it's in the closet, but tell him the gesture was very much appreciated.

Okay. Chat me tonight. I've got a million questions about the therapist. I know you said not to worry, but I have all kind of concerns about, well...how to handle talking about things that most people haven't experienced at all. I figure you understand.

Love,

Steve

P.S. Somebody misses you


	667. Exhibition at a certain gallery space

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Rebecca Quan ([rquan@starkindustries.com](%20))  
Subject: SI Opportunities 

Rebeccakes,

I got an e-mail from Jan last night, and imagine my surprise when I noticed it was an exhibition at a certain gallery space I hold near and dear to my heart. Given that you haven't said a word to me about it I can only assume that the gallery refurbishment is complete and that you've been replaced. Does this mean you've quit the art scene in New York? 

I never meant for your position as my PA to take you away from a field you are passionate about; I also know this was always meant to be a stop-gap. I also remember promising you the ability to curate my private collection, all of which is in storage in California.

(Incidentally, I also have a new mansion being rebuilt in LA, as well as a house being refurbished in San Francisco and one in Seattle, all of which needs some TLC in the interior decorating department.)

Basically, what I'm saying is that there's work for you in California if you want to get away from New York. I know a lot of things have changed over the last half of a year (it feels like a hell of a lot longer to me) and another change might not be what you have in mind - but that art isn't going to curate itself, and I actually installed a gallery space on the old Malibu site rather than re-building there. It's a funky Mediterranean looking kind of place that could use a guiding hand as far as what's actually going on display.

If you're tired of the PA shtick, there's always PR. The Avengers could use a solid PR rep on the west coast - I have a few plans in mind for that half of the country and it would be helpful to have someone familiar with the team and the credo, etc etc out there to manage the brand image.

Let me know what you think - you know I'll be delighted to keep you here in New York, and I'll be understanding if none of this is what you're looking for. But if that's something you interested in, the offer stands.

T


	668. The World's Most Impeccable Timing.

Tony bo bony banana fana fo fony,

Hey. You know you have, like, the most impeccable timing in the world right?

I've been sitting here mulling things over the past few weeks. Clint and I had a really good heart-to-heart before he left and you know, it made me feel better about us being splitsville. Not that I'm going to, you know, not harshly judge the next girl he dates (does he date guys or just bone them?) and come up with lists and lists of how she's terrible for him, but I think I'm kind of at peace with how everything eventually went down. But we really talked about how being so closely connected to any of you (and you know I love you, babycakes) is never going to give me the life I want.

So I've been trying to figure out how to interrupt your practically-wedded bliss (you guys are nauseating, you know that, right?) to explain that I have to give my notice. I sold my shares of the gallery to Kate's parents, believe it or not (rich people! Jesus you people just buy anything. I wanted to offer them to you but that idea was flatly refused by the other owners, go figure). I've actually been talking to my folks about moving back to Seattle. They're both, you know, getting slow, my dad had a health scare last winter, and my sis and bro both have families here on the East Coast with in-laws who would kill them for stealing away their adorable grandbabies.

Anyway, I could do LA instead. That might work out pretty good, it's way closer if I have to hop on a flight and get up to them, but I won't be, like, under their disapproving gaze or deal with my mom trying to set me up with her friends' dentist sons all the fucking time.

I guess as long as you can promise me this job isn't going to put me right in the crosshairs, which, like-- it won't, right? Your other non-P.A. non-security people don't have to fend off attack by badly-named supervillains with half-assed powers, right?

I guess that's a yes. I mean, yes. Like, I'd honest to goodness kill to get to play with your art collection. And I wouldn't even kill for that stupid priceless magic artifact, so this is big. Huge. Gargantuan, even. 

Thanks, Tony. Seriously, you always seem to know exactly the right thing to offer people. Go give Steve some big sloppy kisses for me-- HOW HAVE YOU LASTED THIS LONG WITHOUT BREAKING DOWN AND GOING TO PHILLY?

Smooches,

Becky


	669. Non-Profit Ventures Division

Dear Ms. Rebecca E. Quan:

On behalf of myself as well as my colleagues in the Non-Profit Ventures Division, I'd like to congratulate you on your promotion to Chair of the Sarah Rogers Memorial Gallery of Twentieth Century American Art.

Attached is the required transfer paperwork for you to sign and return at your earliest convenience, including your contract (signatures required on pages 7, 13 and 19, all others to be initialed in the bottom right hand corner),background check clearance, confidentiality agreements, orientation packet, manual on division-specific policies, parking voucher form, corporate gym/meal plan/day care services requests, information on your upgraded benefit package including optional health & retirement services, and mandatory internet safety training and sexual harassment training sign ups (special managerial-level course offered bi-monthly, to be completed within six months of acceptance of the position).

I will be expecting you on the 2nd floor of our Palo Alto facility at 10:00 am on Wednesday, May 21st.

We look forward to hearing from you. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at E.Jordan@StarkIndustries.com

Respectfully yours,

EARNEST JORDAN  
Stark Industries Human Resources  
777 Stark Blvd  
Palo Alto, CA 94304


	670. violate your ironclad code of ethics

Hey, Clint--

So, I'm not really sure how to say this, but Tony offered me a job out in Malibu. It's doing some curatorial art stuff, exactly the kind of work I want to be doing, without all the risk of being constantly around Tony Stark. 

You know how I've been feeling about the whole Avengers thing, and you know what's up with my dad, and all that shit, and I just…

I think I need to do it, you know? I told him yes. I'm going to start next week. Kate's gonna sublet my place, and I'm packing up my shit. I'm leaving the TV, and Kate says you're still allowed to use it if you are willing to violate your ironclad code of ethics and buy her beer.

I'm going to miss your stupid face like crazy. So I figure, like, since this isn't going to become habit or anything, do you wanna get drunk and ask me home one more time?

\--Becs


	671. Pick a day, any day

Beccarex -

Wow, big changes...

That sounds perfect for you - California is gorgeous and you'd be a lot closer to your parents... it's a smart move. 

Plus, with SI you've got a job for life if you want it, Tony will take care of you. Especially after all the shit that's gone down in the last eight months.

Not to make this all about me, but I'm going to miss you. ~~Like, really a lot~~ It's funny how people get under your skin, you know? You're a fucking incredible person and I know you're going to take California by storm. Plus, having Tony Stark's art collection to play with has gotta be a wet dream come true, even if he did sell most of it during the whole nervous-breakdown-over-palladium thing.

I absolutely want to get drunk and ask you home. I'll even stick around for the awkward morning after and help you pack boxes. pick a day, any day.

clint


	672. How's that crow taste?

Steviekins - 

I'll overnight whatever I want, and yesterday that just happened to be exorbitantly overpriced customized dog beds. (The neighbors won't complain about the gold - remember those crates I designed before Moose horned his way into the bed? Yeah, they sold out completely in a matter of days. How's that crow taste?)

Now that you mention it, I think I could put together a gift basket for you. It's incoming -- don't open it in front of Pepper or she's going to learn a lot about you veeeery quickly.

So you actually went to a garage sale? You bought _used furniture_? What is that even -- other than gross. Pepper had her orders, I am absolutely betrayed. 

Though I know you've gotta have a drafting table, I would have sent you one... Or sent a designer down to put something together that is appropriately ergonomic, what if it's too low and hurts your back to use? What if you strain yourself? One of us has to think of these things, Steve.

Call me tonight -- just remember, you're not auditioning, you're interviewing, and the therapist works for you. I'll be done around half past eight, a bit late for you -- can I call you at dinner?

By the by, you know how my birthday is coming up? My actual birthday, not my completely-misleading-false-birthday-that-inspires-a-nation birthday. I was thinking you might want to come up from Philly, I could make reservations somewhere nice and show you the mansion repairs -- they're finally complete and everything looks great, though I did knock out a few bonus walls to make the windows bigger and the floor plan a bit wider. The living section is actually a nice blend of the old house and the low-and-modern styles I like in the Tower and Malibu houses... I'm curious as to your thoughts. 

If you're swamped with the beginning of term that's okay too, but the offer is there.

Love you.  
T

PS Tell Moose I miss him too. [This](http://www.amazon.com/Adjustable-Collar-Moose-Handmade-U-S-A/dp/B00G1L70NC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=undefined&sr=8-1&keywords=moose+dog+collar) may or not be in the mail for him - don't let him forget me, yeah?


	673. All you have to do is show up

Tony,

I'm in the library, between classes; I figured I'd write, but I'll call when my last class gets out--remember, they run late tonight. I hope whatever you overnights me is safely wrapped, as Pepper is definitely getting home before me. And i feel like this may be an excellent time to remind you that I placed a firm kibosh on the appearance of lookalike sex dolls of a certain two-time magazine award winner, particularly ones clothed in licensed merchandise. 

Class is going well, although it's funny after working with you to see how highly un-advanced certain aspects of academic technology still are. (See below). But here's the real news.

I went to Pepper's therapist first thing this morning. She told me she didn't think we were suited to work together-- and I had a moment of self-doubt, wondering what it was that made me such a hopeless case. But then she explained that Pepper and I live together and it would be better for me to go to someone who could deal with my problems individually. She also said I might be better off with a guy. 

She referred me to someone else just down the block and he was actually able to slot me in right away-- I think he guessed who I was? He's a social worker, actually, instead of a psychologist. Young guy, really, friendly, explained that he sort of fell into the social work thing after having problems with the law when he was younger. He has a pet bird in his office. The way he talked about it made it sound like it was another person, at first. I thought he was talking about his kid or something, and then I realized it was his pet.

He said something about how I should like birds, they're the closest thing we have to the dinosaurs that roamed the earth in my day.

So you can guess I liked him. Problem was, he said I really needed a psychiatrist, somebody who was a medical professional. I told him medication wasn't going to work for me; he just calmly told me to humor him. So I've got a list of psychiatrists now and I'll have to figure that out. 

But he also told me he runs a summer program for teens. They call them "at risk" teens, which I guess means they have a penchant for getting into trouble. And, well, it sort of sounded right up my alley.

It's sort of--they go on field trips, do arts and crafts type stuff, talk about their feelings. It's intended to give them things to do to keep them out of trouble, but also to give them a chance to find things that interest them, that they're good at, inspire them and build self-confidence.

I told him I hadn't been feeling much like inspiring self-confidence, lately.

Then he told me that he suspected that one of the kids had superpowers. 

Celerity, he called it. "Like the Flash," he said.

In other words, she's a speed demon. And get this: she's in this group after skipping too much school and getting arrested for _organizing political protests_. She apparently got in some police officer's face while playing hooky to help dismantle factory machinery during a labor strike.

I haven't even met the kid yet, but I have to say I'm intrigued. I guess I'm going to be helping out with this summer program, huh. Not what I was expecting, but I'm excited about it, Tony. I don't think it's too much of a commitment on top of my course load, and ~~Dr. W~~ Sam (the social worker) said I can see what I think before he expects me to sign on.

So now I've got my first day of the summer program to look forward to-- I'm doing that first week of June-- and then I guess a third therapist. Sam gave me a few names; I hope one of these works out, but I get the sense he wouldn't steer me wrong.

Look, Tony, I know I said I'd come up for your birthday, but I had a thought. Your birthday's on a Thursday, and I have class that night, I don't want to start cutting classes right from the get-go, especially since you never know when I'll have to skip for Avengers-related duties. 

Here's my thought: have your birthday in New York, then come down Friday and spend the weekend with me. Pepper says you haven't seen the house yet, or her office on campus, and she'd love to have you over at the school while I finish up my Friday morning classes. And then I'll show you the house, and the yard, and we can take Moose for a nice, long, meandering walk across the river before I whisk you away. I'll make all the plans. All you have to do is show up, and I'll spoil you rotten in all the ways you deserve to be spoiled. 

I love you. I miss you.

Steve


	674. You can even pick the red.

Nat - 

I hated leaving you this morning - I always hate leaving you. 

Today was the first truly calm day in ages -- the reporters left the gates last night and Tony's contractors are finished with the security installations, so thank goodness for small mercies. 

When he's not in California, Tony is constantly underfoot since Steve left; I know he's lonely without Moose or Steve, but it's hard to concentrate on my specimens when he's singing ACDC at DUM-E. He moved DUM-E into my lab - or rather, he installed an elevator in the Bunker (which he is naturally calling the DUM-waiter) to allow DUM-E to go back and forth as he will. Which explains why we found him playing with the ducks in the fountain last night.

I realize it's sudden, but can we take a few days for us? I'm getting that itchy feeling behind my eyeballs -- I need to get away from the press and rush of all the action at the tower and mansion. I was thinking Portland this weekend, a little further afield than our usual treks... quiet coastline and cold water. I'll pack us a lunch for the drive and even put meat in your sandwich.

I'll be in the garden this evening, I promised the tea roses another dose of the bone meal/superphosphate food and though he offered I hardly trust Clint to mind the bed while we're out -- he always volunteers and I come back to thirsty, thirsty plants. I'm going to be lazy and reheat the veg lasagna for dinner, would you snag a bottle of wine from the cellars when you come through the house? You can even pick the red.

Good luck at the hearing this afternoon. I'm sure Ray will do fine, she's in very capable hands.

Bruce


	675. The risk of getting squashed

Darling -

Writing from a break in the hearing; it seems to be going well. Ray's nervous as hell, but Matt's his usual self and doing an excellent job of making her feel at ease. There's no question that the state will accept a plea bargain-- it just remains to be seen exactly what it is.

I think I can do Portland. I need to check with Fury; he's been focused on Bolivia and of course this Roxxon mess in Delaware, though it sounds like Steve is going to help with that since Wilmington is less than an hour from Philly and he's mostly recovered. 

I'm working on this dance of delicately extricating us all while not burning bridges. As awful as the museum was, it played very well on the national stage, and everything we managed to uncover with Roxxon is gaining us a lot of goodwill from a lot of government bureaucrats who'd been pushed around by them for too long. I think that's going to get us the okay we need from DHS. 

Bobbi's agreed to work as our point person on the SHIELD side, so she'll be staying with the Division but working directly with me, Steve, and Tony. It's a good match-- she gets along with all three of us and knows how to keep Tony on task. 

The part of this, for me, that I'm struggling with, again, is my public identity. I've been talking to Tony about his mother. And I know the Red Room will continue to operate, and keep doing this to women and girls for as long as they can. I think Maria Stark knew that she couldn't stop it if she ran away, but becoming a public figure was eventually her downfall. Spiders stick in corners, and of course coming out into the light comes with the risk of getting squashed. I'm wondering if it's time for me to do something different. 

Steve's the rallying symbol. Tony's the PR machine. By necessity, I end up in the post of mastermind…I feel a bit like Fury-lite. I'm the person who can sneak and hide and manipulate from the background. But people are going to keep asking who I am, and if someone finds out, it might not be on my terms. Of course, I know my choices here affect you, so I want your opinions, too. 

Let's talk about it over our reheated lasagna, and maybe some hikes on the coast. I'm opening that cab franc we wanted to try. 

-N


	676. go for it, moses

  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   



	677. Captain America in the Cradle of Liberty

**{STARKWATCH AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 39°57'34.1"N, 75°11'37.4"W, PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** The _looks_ on their faces. Oh my god - I’d say we should do it again, but it’ll never be the same…

[footsteps]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** [laugh] You’d think after an entire semester of constantly asking me ‘What would Tony Stark this-or-that?’ they’d have had more actual questions for the genuine article. I think their jaws were glued to the floor. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m a little disappointed that nobody asked me to sign their breasts. Usually there’s at least one. Do I look okay, I mean, uh...

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** [laugh] You’re hopeless. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Is-- is this it? I guess this is it. 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** No, it’s the other one with the overeager puppy sitting on the front stoop. With his dog. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m not sure I should even be glad to see him. He made me take the _train._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps] TONY! 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [bark] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps] Good afternoon, gentlemen.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [happy barking, paws clicking on pavement] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh, knees hitting pavement] Hey boy, hey baby-dog -- how’s my favorite boy --

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [slurp]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** EYUCK! Who taught you to lick like that? I’m gonna have words with your old man.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, so he’s your baby-dog favorite and I’m an old man? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [chuckling] Hey, Steve. I thought you’d have figured that out by now… [footsteps, laughing] Hey, down boy, let me say hi… 

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [rustling] 

You’re…

Hi. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath]

[rustling]

Hi.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Hi. 

[smooch] 

**POTTS.Virginia.P:** Annnnd I’ll be changing my shoes. Multiple times, most likely. And then going to the gym. And shopping. 

[footsteps]

[door opening and shutting] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] I missed you. [smooch] I missed you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] Did you miss me? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] A little. [smooch]

Almost as much as I missed Mooseter-rooster.

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [snuffle, rustling] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] Okay, okay, buddy, you get attention, too. 

[scritching] 

Come inside? Get the grand tour? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** What, and deprive the neighbors of their show? [shifting]

[rustling ears] Hey, baby baby. Yeah, I know, I taste _great._ Just ask your dad.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The neighbors have two teenaged daughters. They’ll probably be grateful. 

[rustling] 

Come on. I want to show you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [sing-song] We’re gonna be on insta-gram, we’re gonna… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Like that picture of the look on your face at the press conference isn’t up there a thousand times. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Hope you like that one - you’re getting a 30x45 canvas blowup for Christmas.

You’re such an ass, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me…

Shoes off at the door?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [door opening] 

I know, I know, you’ve…

[smooch]

Said so every day. 

Pepper’s house, Pepper’s rules.

[thumps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I remember. [shoes thumping off]

[grumbles] I don’t like surprises.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Says the man who just made an entire MBA class piss in their pants. You love surprises. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Only when I’m the one giving them… 

[smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know, I know. No surprises this weekend, I promise. Unless you ask for one. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snigger]

Can it be--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Only because it’s your birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter] I _love_ you.

[smooch]

Okay. Grand tour. Spare no expense! Leave no nook or cranny unapproved of by your brilliant, yet highly critical significant other!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [door shutting]

[inaudible] 

So there’s...this is the living room; this is the room I helped paint, we...see the stencils? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It looks amazing, naturally - but you painted this with _broken hands_? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** They’re _better_ , Tony. It’s been weeks. I’m sure you’ve never, ever done anything with injured hands.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I _always_ behave when I’m under doctor’s orders.

[snort] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Someone’s definition of ‘always’ is as flexible as his definition of ‘platonic.’ 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort] Yeah, yeah.

It really does look great. I bet Pepper was thrilled - she wanted it painted before that graduate dinner, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah. We did this, and then the trim in the dining room...through here…

[footsteps] 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [claws clicking on hardwood] [snuffling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Cozy… are those flowers _Iron Man themed?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, they’re Tony Stark’s underwear-themed.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh man. I have got to show you the new Iron Man panties we’re licensing, they are _slick._ I’m definitely ordering you a pair. [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No. 

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** What about the Captain America ones? They’ve got a little star on the--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No.

[inaudible] 

And a pre-emptive no to whatever you were going to suggest next. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [silence] Are you sure?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yes, unless we were getting off the subject of licensed merchandise. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, yeah, but I - uh - may need to change before dinner.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

Come see my room? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Moose can show me the backyard later, huh? [padding footsteps[

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** This way. 

[footsteps on staircase] 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [tail thumping against banister] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s...okay. Close your eyes. Don’t peek. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Trusting you, here. I’ll feel really silly if Iron Man breaks his neck falling down the stairs. [footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I won’t let that happen. Here, see, you can hold on to me. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** So I can. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You-- [cough]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** This feels like a pretty...firm handhold. Yep. I feel very secure.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. Pepper’s still--

[door opening]

Home. 

[footsteps] 

**STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [jumping, bed springs creaking] [whumpf]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [door closing]

[inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible]

Can I open my eyes now?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not quite.

[inaudible]

Now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s….. oh.

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know it’s no mansion. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** It’s… really _you._

[footsteps]

The view’s great. It’s… I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen you fill up a space before.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] It’s not really _full_ , it’s just...look, here, I’ve been going to Rittenhouse Square and sketching people. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Can I -- sit?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** No, you’re required to stand at all times.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s very army-boy of you, Cap. [smooch]

[bed springs creaking] [rustling] 

[pages turning]

Man, you’ve been … is this full? You’ve only been here a few weeks. They’re really… these are great, Steve.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Thanks. I’ve been playing with watercolors, and I got a box of pastels, but I haven’t cracked it open yet. 

[bed springs creaking] 

Happy birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Thank you, Steve.

It was a pretty excellent one. Rhodey, Carol, Nat, Bruce and Clint all took me out to dinner. Clint was my date, he pulled out my chair and everything. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** How gentlemanly.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** There was a whoopie-cushion on it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That sounds more like Clint.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [pages turning] You’ve been drawing a lot.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Every day.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** This is a good one of Moose. You’ve got his I-heard-something head-cock down pat.

[pages turning]

Are… these my feet?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] Maybe? Do they have an outrageously expensive pedicure? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh]

You drew my feet from _memory_? 

Ridiculous.

[kiss]

This is -- a pretty good setup you got going on here. With the tree outside the window it feels like you’re living in a treehouse.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] The only problem is the aforementioned teenaged daughters. I have to keep remembering to draw my blinds. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** They probably feel like _every_ day’s their birthday….

Should I be jealous? I haven’t gotten nearly as many sexy selfies as I’d hoped. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sure you can ask them for their Instagram handles. [smooch] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [smooch]

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I’m taking you out to dinner. 

[inaudible] 

And ordering for you. 

[inaudible] 

And paying. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Well. 

[inaudible] 

It _is_ my birthday, and seeing as I don’t spy any fabulously extravagant presents laying around, I suppose I’ll allow it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] You are getting an entire _day_ of presents tomorrow. Assuming you behave.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** When do I ever misbehave?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Always. 

[inaudible] 

On the stairs.

[inaudible]

In the hall.

[rustling]

Right now. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t hear you complaining.

[inaudible]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [tail thumping] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...your dog is licking my elbow.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Our_ dog. You’re obviously delicious. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] Do I have to wait ‘til after dinner to tie you to the bedposts and have my way with you?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, is that what you have in mind? Not in front of the dog, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] I like how the dog’s the issue, not the teenagers outside the window.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, shi--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [smooch]

Made you look.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m getting the blinds.

[shifting] 

[footsteps] 

[rustling] 

[footsteps]

[bedsprings creaking] 

Mmm…[inaudible]

How’s New York? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible] Lonely and Steve-less. But otherwise, pretty good.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t have class for the Fourth of July. It’s a Friday. I could come celebrate my fake-birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m hoping I’ll see you before then -- Bruce and Nat are in Maine this weekend.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh, are th-- _Oh_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [smooch] “Oh” indeed. Dollar to donuts say wedding invitations’ll be in the mail Monday morning.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’re talking about Natasha. We’ll all be lucky to get a perfunctory email instead of a text. ‘All: pleased be advised that Dr. Banner and I will be requesting a half-day on Tuesday...’

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter] Natasha _and_ Bruce. Invitations. Bruce will want to make sure you’re invited properly.

Don’t look so disappointed - someone around here will have a big foofy wedding for you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Live music? Dancing? Do you think they’d kill us if we showed up to eat homemade cake in tuxedos? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Can we do it anyway? As Thor would say -- ‘Twould be a noble death, befitting of great warriors!’

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] Let’s do it. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [kiss] Sounds like Project Tony Stark’s Personal Team Of Superheroes is moving along nicely.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh? Is it? That’s…

[breath]

[inaudible] 

I’ve got an appointment with the Mayor’s office to talk. They sound...skeptical, without seeing the plan in action, but on the other hand, they’re already asking if I’ll stay. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s not a very good incentive for me to talk to Pennsylvania. 

[inaudible]

[shifting]

[inaudible]

Tell them they can’t have you. [kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s an hour and a half on the train. Think of the tourism benefits...commercial tie-ins. Captain America in the cradle of liberty? Nothing’s stopping you from coming down here. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Maybe give it a month or two before deciding to leave me for the entire city of Philadelphia? [smooch]

California’s expressed interest too. We could go to Malibu instead…. think of the beaches. _Beaches._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Museums_. I’m taking you on a tour tomorrow. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Just as well. I think Clint’s into the California idea -- Kate’s coming along nicely, though I’m not sure Becky will ever forgive him for stealing away another one of her assistants.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Kate’s the...that’s the kid, right? Are we-- is she old enough for this?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t ask me -- we haven’t exactly hammered out the membership requirements yet. She’s an adult, though, and a hell of a shot. I’m working up some new non-lethal options for her so she can try her hand at actual field work.

There are a few other prospects on the table, too. Rhodey may stick around, Jan’s in talks with legal… [smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] Is ‘legal’ Natasha, or Banner’s cousin? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] “Legal” will always be Nat, but Jen’s taken up the mantle. Nat’s hung up her legal hat for good, it’s been retired along with her Tony-Stark’s-fake-girlfriend hat...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Good, I’m enjoying the Tony-Stark’s-real-boyfriend hat.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh -- and shit, I meant to tell you this! Did I tell you about the kid on top of Madison Square Garden?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Exactly what I said -- I was flying low the other night, following a fleeing arrest call, and I spotted this kid in a ridiculous getup… red and blue, you’d have loved it. I’m pretty sure he was wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. [laugh]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Mexican wrestling-- is this that Spider-Man guy? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Mmhmm, the Bugle’s been running smear pieces on him for months, but he can’t be more than sixteen. 

And he admitted he’s my tensile wiring perp -- you remember that stuff I was cleaning off the tower spire, the stuff I used partials builds of for the gold undersuit? It’s his own design, or so he said. He’s sharp enough, if a little excitable.

I gave him my card. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, are you turning into Barton? Picking up strays everywhere?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hah! Well I mean, it’s tough to go it alone. I tried that, didn’t work out so well for me. And even if he doesn’t stick with the vigilante thing, he’s obviously got a brain for R &D. I’d take whatever he gave me. 

Plus he asked me to sign his glove, so what was I gonna say? No?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [laugh] 

I love you. 

What’s the timeline?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** We’re floating it to Fury next week. I have some thoughts on how to go public with the matter... I’ve got guys handing around unofficial contracts to gauge interest. The only real issue is whether the states balk at the liability clauses. I’m basically giving us a deductible for damages, above which the team becomes jointly accountable… so we’re gonna have to have a chat with Thor about all the column-smashing he likes to get into.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And the coffee mugs. Those things add up.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re telling me!

Steve…. there’s something I should have told you a few months back, I just wasn’t sure how you’d take it, so. I kind of put it off. Uh.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You sound nervous. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, a little afraid you’ll lay me out again. Because I should have looked into it literal years ago. 

[smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Looked into...what? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** When Nat and I first discussed privatization, the subject of trademarks came up. You might not know this, but I own most of the trademarks associated with the team -- titles, trademark phrases, that kind of thing. I snapped them up when Fury first floated the Initiative by me. The thing is, my dad owned the trademark on Captain America for the last seventy years. He bought it up after the war.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Right, I know how the licensing works, we all...when you talked to us about this two years ago. I signed those papers, gave you permission to use my likeness...I don’t…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, I did. But the thing is -- the Cap line of comics, figurines, lunch boxes, Halloween costumes -- that shit’s been going on for seventy years. It was a serious revenue generator, and I never really thought about it, because the money never came up.

So I did a little digging after my chat with Nat in February, and realized that my old man had a fund set up. A set of accounts, where all the Captain America marketing money was going… one of them is in Peggy Carter’s name. 

The other one was for you, when he found you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

You’re...you’re not just making this up as an excuse to hand me a check for school, are you? I told you, Fury took care of that. I’ve got all the money I need.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m being completely serious, Steve. I wouldn’t joke about this.

[shifting] 

The paperwork’s all at the mansion. We’re not talking college money here - this makes college tuition look like lunch money.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Howard obviously wanted you taken care of, and Peggy, too. She was Director of SHIELD for ten years so she wasn’t exactly hurting for cash, but he probably assumed you would have wanted her to benefit from the name if you couldn’t.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [swallow] I’m going to need an accountant. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [short laugh] Believe it or not, technically you already have five. They’ve been managing the -- that’s really your first concern? You didn’t even ask me how much it was.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it doesn’t matter, really. I need-- not your accountants, Tony. If there’s enough money to generate sizeable interest, I could do something with that, and…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve. It’s almost three hundred million dollars.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [silence] 

All right. So. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** So.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Can I buy into the Initiative?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m not joking. Can I? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I -- I’m just. Natasha said you’d say that. I owe her twenty bucks.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And what did you think I’d say? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I put my money on founding a not-for-profit. But -- listen. Natasha’s sitting on a pile, too - apparently assassinating dictators provides interesting opportunities for personal acquisition.

My chief concern with privatization was being held fiscally responsible for damages related to the team - but if the three of us are investing, we could form a board? Council? Triumvirate of power? Vote on structural elements, keep everything transparent. Pour some of the funds into a legal defense fund for superheroes - kids like fucking Spider “omg can we please take a selfie” Man, maybe start providing for -- you know, Charles Xavier has a school for genetically mutated kids upstate and he’s talking teams, we could put some there, just… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I know Sam had a couple run-ins with the law when he was younger, and he’s pretty keen on working with kids, maybe-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Sam? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** My not-therapist. With the summer program. I told you about him; I’m supposed to help him chaperone a field trip this week. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Oh, yeah, the dude with the pet bird in his office. You think he’s got what it takes? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it couldn’t hurt to have a social worker on board. Especially if we’re talking about helping out kids. At least get his advice. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We’re kind of a tough crowd, but we could probably -- make that, uh, definitely -- benefit from a little professional support in that department.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t want to make the same mistake we did with Ray. I could bring him up to New York sometime, let the rest of you get a read. I’m sure you’re going to want to decide for yourself. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [throat clearing]

I - Your word’s good enough for me. He sounds like a good guy - maybe we could go for a drink or something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah? I bet he’d love that. He’s not going to let up on you, though. He keeps asking me what it’s like to date the Sexiest Man Alive. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snort]

Superlative, obviously.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I like telling him about picking up your dirty socks. 

[inaudible] 

And how you used to crack an egg. 

[inaudible]

I know you’re going to want to...probably do a background check before we ask him to do anything with the team. He’s got a...sort of a record, from a while back, I don’t want you to think... 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Nobody’s perfect, just so long as he wasn’t... you know, hanging out with neo-nazi Puff Daddy wannabes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort] I doubt it. I just don’t want anybody getting judged for not having a squeaky-clean file full of patriotism and apple pie. 

Although his mom makes a good apple pie. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] Does he know you only like him for her pie?

Natasha already took care of that. She’s been double-plus paranoid with her stalking since Rachel slipped through.

She’s still off the Christmas Card list, by the way. Rachel, not Natasha.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [smooch] That was obvious. She’d probably burn anything you sent her, anyway.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** She never even gave me my sexy gold boots back…

[grumbling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’d consider that a favor, if you ask me. You make those part of the permanent uniform, and that’s a dealbreaker. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Love conquers all, Steve. You’d come around.

What about the matching undies?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Ahem. I’ll be sending my _list_ of dealbreakers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You and your fucking lists.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** One. [inaudible]

Two. [inaudible] 

Three. [inaudible] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [groan]

[inaudible]

It could work. The team, I mean, not the manties. We could make it work.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You don’t have to sell it, Tony. I’m in. You know I’m in. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [breath] Yeah?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] I might have to pick a fancier restaurant for dinner. I was going to take you to a pizzeria. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [inaudible, laughter, smooching]

Well, I do like pizza.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And...did you bring a suit? I haven’t unpacked my suit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** A suit? Or _my_ suit?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The fabric kind. I don’t want to have to share you with excited onlookers. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re dating the wrong man, then. I _live_ for excited onlookers.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I like excited onlookers when they’re _you_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ohh, you have a bit of a voyeuristic streak in you, who knew?

You know I always have a suit laying around. [kiss] But we can eat wherever you want. I don’t care if we eat food cart chilidogs in south Philly as long as you’re there.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] 

I’m taking you to a _fancy_ pizzeria. And doing all the ordering. Like a real grown-up. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh]

You’ve got a real _thing_ about ordering, don’t you? Is this because of our kind-of-first-date?

[kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You told me you’d let me order when I was a real grown-up with money of my own.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Man, I’m a condescending asshole, sometimes. Why do you even like me?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And that was when you were _trying_ to win me over. It beats me, Tony. Maybe I’m a condescending asshole, too. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Takes one to know one, I suppose. I love it when you give orders, I’m sure I’ll love having you tell me what to put in my mouth.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, I know what we’re doing when we get _back_ from dinner. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Sure you don’t want a little amuse-bouche to start? 

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We… [inaudible] ...have a reservation. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You’re a millionaire now. Reservations are more like guidelines, really. [inaudible]

[shifting] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** _Serum levels_. I need to eat at least a pint of gelato. I found the _best_ gelato. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Don’t give me that shit, we both know you were magically healed by a fucking brain-bending snake crown. 

Seriously, ice cream before sex? _Ice cream before sex?_

This must be what hell feels like.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You drive a goddamn hard bargain, Stark.

[inaudible] 

You’ve got to change your pants anyway; you might as well take them off. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Awwww, yeah.

[inaudible] 

[unzipping]

I like big bucks, and I cannot lie… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Nice underpants, Iron Man. You’re an ass. 

[inaudible] 

And very lucky you never attempted a secret identity. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [snigger] Yeah, but this ass? Is entirely yours.

[inaudible]

[laughter]

Seriously though - pass me my slacks?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort]

[rustling] 

You sure? It’s your birthday. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, well. I already got what I wanted most.

[kiss]

{Saving...}


	678. A...pretty big step in our relationship

**{STARKPHONE AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 43°42'04"N, 70°16'25"W, PORTLAND, MAINE, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[dishes clinking, voices in the background] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** You got lunch, so I’ll pick up dinner. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Ah… this weekend is my treat, don’t be silly.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** The whole weekend? Bruce, I’m two pay grades above you, log more hours, and you’re paying your aunt’s mortgage. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I -- and? I can do those things and still pick up dinner. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I know you can, but if you calculate out the--

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [shifting]

I ordered double dessert. I’m fairly certain that renders the bill my sacred duty.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Yes, your nine-dollar extra dessert far outprices the hundred dollar bottle of wine I ordered. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Which I drank half of!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** And I ate half your cake, so...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [sigh]

I was -- 

I suppose it doesn’t matter.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** You can buy me dinner. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** You -- no, if you like, please. The notion is a bit -- old fashioned and rooted in patriarchal gender norms, anyway. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** [laugh] Did Darcy leave her textbooks in the lab again? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** She’s started reading aloud from them when she’s trying to get Jane’s attention -- and you know she always wants to play with my toys when she’s down for the weekend. 

Tony -- really ought to build her a lab of her own. There’s the other set of glass houses, he could… 

[silence]

You... look lovely tonight. I mean, you always look lovely, you know that, but I. 

Are-- is that jewelry new?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I know the diamonds are ridiculous. They were Tony’s mother’s, he gave them to me as a thank you; I wanted to wear them. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** They’re -- very bright. I was just thinking you didn’t seem like much of a, um. Diamond person.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** [laugh] They’ll buy us a nice vacation someday. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** You’d sell his mother’s diamonds? I think you should keep them, for when Steve finally convinces him to adopt. They’d make a lovely sixteenth birthday present for Moose’s little sister.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I’d do it for an actual child, but not if it’s another pet.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [laughter]

I enjoyed having a cat around. I thought about adopting one myself. An actual cat, I mean - would you mind having a cat around the place?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** That depends, are you bringing home your new snow leopard friend? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I bet Tony would buy me one. And a castle/throne/palace to go with it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Don’t you dare ask. He will. 

As long as we’re talking cats and not children, adopt away. You just have to promise to scoop out the box.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** That feels like a … pretty big step in our relationship, Nat. Are we ready for that?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Bruce, we already have a sniper, a billionaire, and a comic book hero. I think we can handle a cat. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [chuckle]

I’ll install a flap, maybe. Give it the, uh, freedom to do what it needs to do but a … warm place to come home to when it tires of the rough-and-tumble life out in the garden. Nice, quiet, fire, good wine…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Sounds like me. Are you going to get me a flap? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** That’s not exactly what I had in mind...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Oh, you want to make me scratch at the door? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** You have opposable thumbs, darling.

I, er.

I can certainly try to spoil you, though compared to Tony, or -- most of the other guys out there -- I can’t offer much.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Love, don’t do that to yourself. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [weak laugh]

He … bought Moose a _golden dog house._

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Well, when I want a golden dog house, I’ll leave you for Tony. I’m quite satisfied with what I have at present. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Is there anything you would change?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I’d love it if you could accept for once that I can have any man I want, and probably most women, too, and I chose this. You. And stop putting yourself down. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [cough]

I -- yeah. Of course.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** And I think we should get our own place. Off Tony’s property. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** ….really?

Somewhere a little more private?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Close, so you can still use the labs, but somewhere where Tony’s personal media circus won’t bother us. I don’t know if it’s more practical to buy something further out that we can use on weekends or something very close that can be a full-time residence. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [breath]

I’d -- Prefer something small. Out of the way. But there’s more anonymity to be had near the city...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** There’s time to think about it. I want to deal with privatization, get all the paperwork out of the way, before we start talking to realtors. I can sign the mortgage; your credit history is better than mine, but I’ve got the savings, and bankers can be terrible about lending to unmarried couples. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [coughing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** What? Too soon? Am I being too forward about this? I didn’t ask your opinion. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** No, no -- [clearing throat]

I was thinking about how ironic it is that I have a better credit rating when I ought to be in debt up to my eyeballs for the damage done at Columbus Circle on New Year's…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** That was work-related, dear. On-the-job accidents really shouldn’t count toward credit ratings. Anyway, it’s unsurprisingly difficult to build credit when you have no identity. Natalie had excellent credit, but I had to give that up. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I’m sure Tony would act as guarantor, but that sort of defies the point.

[fork scraping on empty plate]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I would happily keep taking money from Tony. I would just prefer not to be in the line of fire the next time he or Steve makes the news. 

That means you like it? You like the idea? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Of course I like the idea. Even if your ideas weren’t generally sound, I’d hardly object to more time with you, to more privacy.

Plus, you know, more room to spoil my future snow leopard.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** If you really want a snow leopard, I know a Kazakh trader who owes me a few favors. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I didn’t realize you had an inner Tony to channel, sweetheart.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I don’t buy things. I just kill people. And I don’t know anyone who can get us a solid gold-plated snow leopard palace.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** It’s all futile, then. I can hardly have an exotic snow leopard without a gold palace. Sigh.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Maybe Thor can loan you Knut’s, now that his creepy cat-brother has been banished back to Asgard.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** I keep waiting for that whole affair to sink in and feel less ridiculous, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

Though I have to say, I’m Clint’s utter hatred for the cat was justified, it was getting a bit disturbing there towards the end.

[shifting]

So… you talked to Tony.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** We started to. There’s a lot there. There’s…lifetimes, and some of it I’d rather not remember. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Did you tell him that?

Those memories aren’t really yours. You don’t have a responsibility to him for them.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** I don’t know, Bruce. If someone could tell me where I came from, I’d…

Well. I’m not sure if I’d want to know. But I’d like the option. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I understand that. I just don’t -- Tony, and you know I care about him -- has a way of forgetting other people are factors in his equations. Don’t let him pressure you into delving deeper than you’re comfortable with.

I know I don’t really need to be telling you this, I just…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** But maybe if I give it to him, I can put it to rest. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Have you ever known Tony to stop asking questions?

[shifting]

I -- 

[silence]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Bruce? Is everything alright? 

You know I don’t give anyone more than I’m willing to give. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [swallows]

Yeah it’s -- 

[chair scraping]

I shouldn’t have gone for the scallops when they’re out of season, I -- I’ll… just, be right back.

[footsteps]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia.A.:** Bruce?

Bruce, the scallop season in Maine is largely intended for population management, not--

[sigh]

{Saving...}


	679. Panicking

  



	680. All their imperfect ways

S - 

I love you.

This weekend was incredible. _You're_ incredible. The Mütter museum was -- well, more gross than incredible, really, I'm pretty sure some of those were fake. Jarvis agrees.

I just -- I feel like we can make this work. I won't say that it's a new feeling... I mean, I've always thought that between your stubborn refusal to give up and my tendency to obsess over what I want, things would fall into place, but I never thought it would feel like this. 

It was easy to sit next to you, to kiss stray cupcake icing from the corner of your mouth, to laugh and tease you when I realized my boyfriend was older than the duck tour's DUKWs. I even liked the ghost tour, and that shit is usually so hokey. I don't know if it was the ridiculous tour guide or the fact that you laughed so hard at all his corny jokes.

I got home and Bruce gave Moose a run for his money with his ecstatic greeting - we all ended up sitting out in the garden under the Christmas lights Clint strung all across the patio, drinking whiskey and playing cards until two in the morning. Not mentioning the war, of course, because Nat wants to be the one to tell him - that's super weird, knowing something about Nat that he doesn't.

I may have convinced them to have some semblance of a party -- do you think I can convince Clint to jump out of a cake? 

I'm happy for them in a way I wasn't before. Maybe I was always a little jealous, and maybe I always will be -- I mean, they're perfect for one another in all their imperfect ways -- but it was nice to sit there and observe what hard work and honest affection can build.

anyway, it's late. I really should be sleeping. If I close my eyes I can still smell you on my pillows.

Love,  
T

PS I lied, I totally paid Pepper off to stay at the Ritz-Carleton on Sunday. I promise she was grateful rather than annoyed.


	681. DVD player mysteriously jammed

T-

I love you.

Funny thing, when I first saw the brochures for the duck tour, I spent a while trying to figure out why people would pay money to see the ducks of Philadelphia. 

I'm not ashamed. 

Well. I'm a little ashamed. Fortunately Pepper didn't laugh too hard. 

I'm sorry the DVD player mysteriously jammed when we tried to watch Star Wars...well, I'm not too sorry, as from what I've been told the ideal condition for first-time viewers is not "wearing a blindfold." No, I'm fairly certain that paying Pepper off was the right decision.

Moose is incredibly disappointed that you're gone, though he did get to sleep on your side of the bed last night. Are you sure that scent is from your pillows? That would mean you hadn't changed your pillowcases in three weeks. I suspect it may in actuality be from my favorite tee shirt, my favorite new blue tee shirt which is somehow missing from my laundry hamper where I know I put it after you so helpfully blasted me with the hose in the yard on Saturday afternoon. (I have been informed that _that_ is indeed on Instagram.) My bed, on the other hand, smells entirely like you; it was hard to get up to go to class this morning. Not to mention that awkward moment before you open your eyes and you almost kiss your dog's ear good morning. 

I'm meeting up with Sam and the kids this afternoon; we're taking them to the Mütter Museum too-- lucky me, I get to see the drawers of ingested foreign objects and all the hydrocephalic skulls twice in three days. I want to float some of the things we talked about this weekend by him, so I'm going to try to get him to grab some dinner after the trip. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Give Bruce and Natasha my best wishes. I'm glad for them, and I know what you mean. It feels a little better, knowing there's someone whose idiosyncrasies match mine just as well.

Love,

Steve


	682. Bring the Superheroes To Us

S - 

I hope you said hi to the sexy, sudsy soap lady for me.

T

PS - our west coat reveal of the substation/grid system SI is building is next Saturday. How do you feel about a whirlwind trip to Cali to visit Ty?

PPS: aw, they like you, they really like you...

**Captain America in the Cradle of Liberty**

Since his arrival in Philadelphia, Steve "Captain America" Rogers hasn't exactly taken the city by storm, but he's certainly brought a little superhero flavor to the City of Brotherly Love. In between hitting the books at UPenn, he's been hitting bad guys in the face...and helping out around town. He was seen last week on the scene of a convenience store robbery as well as rescuing a family from a fire on the fourth floor of an apartment building. 

But this Tuesday, he prevented the theft of the Liberty Bell from masked agents claiming to be affiliated with HYDRA, the terrorist group responsible for the attack on the Metropolitan Museum of Art in April and various activities internationally. 

Cap was purportedly at the exhibit while chaperoning a field trip for The Liberteens, a summer program for at-risk local teens. 

Springing to action shortly after the alarm sounded, the unarmed Cap took down two agents before he was joined, despite his protests, by a group of youths apparently from the program-- and it appears that Philadelphia may have our very own superhero squad! One remarkable young lady who zoomed in with Captain America's famed shield moments after the fight began was clocked at well over the speed of sound in tennis shoes, while a young man managed to freeze several of the perpetrators until law enforcement arrived.

The Guardian caught up with the teens involved. While all declined to give names, they eagerly justified their involvement in such a dangerous situation. "We were...honestly, we were supposed to be sightseeing?" said the first one. "All I can say is that none of us were responsible for cracking an important national treasure."

When informed that the Liberty Bell had indeed been cracked for quite some time, she replied, "I dunno, I didn't even realize your Liberty Bell was cracked. Uh. Look, I'm not from around here, and I'm not sure how my moms would feel about it, so maybe you'd better ask one of the other kids." 

Our second interviewee was more forthcoming. She happily defended her position. "If I'm old enough to be arrested, I'm old enough to fight crime," she said. "My boyfriend gets stopped by cops just for walking down the street in my neighborhood. That's a lot scarier than some ****heads in masks stealing historical artifacts. The real threat to the American people is the systemic opp-"

Unfortunately, a young man we can only assume is said 'boyfriend,' chose this opportunity to drag off our whiz kid. 

Locals this morning are questioning the motive behind the attack. 

"From what we can tell," said Captain Rogers, "The theft of an important American icon appears to have been intended as a direct attack on my presence in this great city, and as a jab at the Avengers in general. It's hard to tell whether it served any real purpose apart from the friendly reminder that HYDRA is an active threat, but it is worth considering that HYDRA has, in the past, been interested in mind control technology, and I can see how a bell, even a broken one, might play into a mass hypnosis plot. In the words of my fellow, uh, former Avenger, Hawkeye, who I'm pretty sure was quoting something else, this would be a good time to practice constant vigilance." 

We asked Cap if there was any chance we'd be seeing him at the helm of a PA-based group of heroes. 

"The kids you saw here still need some training," he replied. "They're just getting the hang of their skills, and there aren't a lot of folks out there teaching young people how to manage superpowers. Frankly, it's not something we've really had to worry about. But as the number of supernatural threats appears to be climbing...well, I think in a few years, you'll be seeing superheroes in a lot more places than New York."

Sam Wilson, the youth group leader, answered questions about his own involvement. "You can tell kids to stay out of something like that," said Wilson, 32, a social worker and grant-winning volunteer. "But face it, you can't stop 'em. Especially when they're this age, when they're stronger and faster than you and think they're invincible. Funny thing is, some of them are. Honestly, I can't blame 'em. I'd be right out there with them if I could be!" 

With questions swirling about Captain America's plans for the future-- and the expectation that he will return to the Avengers in New York once he finishes his degree (prompting jokes about deliberate failing marks on the part of UPenn), maybe it's time to ask what we need to do to bring the superheroes to us.


	683. You've piqued my curiosity.

T--

The Soap Lady misses you and wants to know how you could leave her after all your special time together.

The coverage is great; it's all been surprisingly positive in spite of the fact that I was worried at first that people would question my judgment in letting a bunch of kids into the fray. The truth is, I didn't let them, but there was only one of me, and I could hardly keep them out. There are only so many times you can tell a bunch of superpowered teenagers to stand back when it's obvious they can help. They're too young to be doing this, but at the same time, I feel like someone has to teach them. We-- none of us had anybody to show us the ropes; we had to figure it out for ourselves. Watching them, it's no wonder we wound up stubborn as mules and so certain we're right about everything. I feel like we can do this better. Do better by them, at least. It's like your Spider kid, you know? Anyway, the city wants to talk, and I think I have a foot in the door to present the Initiative now, so I'll let you know how that goes. 

By the way, Sam mentioned somebody with a Stark Industries R&D badge stopping by his office and asking him a bunch of questions about vertigo and motion sickness. I'm sure you don't have anything to do with that whatsoever at all. You've piqued my curiosity.

Visiting Ty? You know I'll come with you if you feel better about it that way, but really, if you're trying to sell me on this trip, "visiting Ty" was jus about the least palatable invitation. I can think of a huge host of things that would be more pleasant, including being forced to wear nothing but stylish silk Iron Man boxer briefs and possibly shaving with a razor dipped in lemon juice. Then again, if I'm going to have the press peering into my personal life for the foreseeable future, I'd prefer to have it be while I'm sitting around looking inordinately smug and proud and getting to brag about you and reminding people that we have lives apart from running around in costumes, instead of deflecting questions about damage to historical monuments. So, that's a yes, as long as I can squeeze it in between Friday afternoon and Monday evening so I don't miss my seminar. I am proud of you. I want to sit in the audience and watch you amaze everyone, and a hundred Tiberius Stones is worth that.

First exam scores back tomorrow. Cross your fingers and toes.

I love you. 

\--S

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, team!
> 
> We just wanted to let you all know that we've imported the last of the chapters into the fic and written out the schedule for what's going up which day-- and it looks like the LAST CHAPTER will post on Sunday, September 14. 
> 
> That's one week from today, so we figured we would give you a little fair warning. 
> 
> One more week!
> 
> Thanks so much to all of you for following us on such a long adventure and we hope you enjoy the last week!


	684. i love choo too

 

 


	685. if you can't beat 'em, join 'em

T--

The "congratulations" cake was absolutely unnecessary for acing an exam. One tier would have been perfectly acceptable. I'm a little worried about what you might do for finals.

I've decided to live by the old adage "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," and thus am submitting the following design for your new line of trains:

I would also like to request increased leg room, additional charging outlets, and in-car vending machines, with sodas, snacks, and stylish silk Iron Man boxer briefs available. If these things are going to be Captain America-themed, I need to be certain that their quality lives up to the name. 

\--S

P.S. I finished the cake.


	686. Every time I ride you

S - 

Look, you're the one who made sad eyes at every bakery we passed the entire weekend I was in Philly. And I know how Pepper can be about sugar and carbs.

Maybe I'll make you an Amtrak cake to celebrate the rebirth of mass transit via exceedingly phallic, patriotic man-trains. I bet I could have them put it on wheels. 

I hope you know that once the U.S.S. (what do they call trains? I'm gonna go with USS anyway) Steve is launched, I will text you every time I ride you. It'll be fabulous - I'm sure it won't detract at all from any future exams that need acing.

T

PS your exterior design looks great, can I use it when I pitch to the board?


	687. Nacho Tuesday

  



	688. The weirdest relationship ever

**{WIDOWSWEB10.9.4.5 SURVEILLANCE MONITOR RUNNING:HOME SYSTEM}**

 

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Diiiiiiiid someone say nachos? I brought jalapenos. Alllll the jalapenos.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint, I don’t think six jalapeños is enough for a plate of nachos. 

[footsteps] 

[smooch]

[timer buzzing] 

I’ll get that. Beer’s in the fridge. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** They were kind of grody at the store, and the canned ones suck. Only six worth having. They’re like… the tributes of the jalapeno world. Hunger Games style.

You’re gonna make me cut them aren’t you?

[fridge cracking]

[beer opening]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I think you just need one of them. 

[oven opening] 

[plate on counter]

Look. Perfect melty cheese. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** One? We need like, a lot. At least three.

Don’t be a wuss. You’re the one who suggested nachos. You’ve gotta go all in.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, I can take the heat. I don’t know if you can. 

[beer opening]

Cheers. 

[clink] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Cheers indeed. Can we put onions on nachos? Is that weird? I feel like it could be good.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you volunteering to dice onions? You know I love seeing grown men cry. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I don’t cry.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] I’ve seen you cry. On several occasions.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** The Notebook doesn’t count.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What was that? I’ve forgotten it already; you’re going to have to tell me from the beginning.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [groan]

I might occasionally shed a man-tear, but they’re made up of pure, liquid testosterone and thus not the same thing. 

[knife on cutting board]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Well, then, I defer to your manly prowess in terms of nacho toppings. I usually just do whatever Bruce tells me. The fact that the nachos didn’t burn is a huge achievement.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** The big green bastard is spoiling you rotten. [laugh]

[knife clicking against cutting board]

Two? Two peppers? And I’m trying the onions.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Two peppers. 

[gulp] 

How’s the glamorous life of a Stark Industries employee treating you?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [snort] Tony’s fucking ridiculous. 

[knife on cutting board]

He’s so infuriating sometimes, at yet - and he’s _brilliant_ , and when he’s in your corner he’s brutal. Which I consider proof positive that there is no god - doesn’t seem fair for one man to have it all.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You needed proof? What’s he have you doing now that disaster’s averted? I’ve been trying to work the SHIELD end of this tangle and leaving your employ entirely up to him. I told him as long as he didn’t have you stripping, it was probably fine. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, he did offer. But I’m not sure I could work the pole in a moving plane.

All private security now - first up is vetting and consulting the security in all SI properties. You have any idea how many bugs Rachel slapped into the picture frames in the mansion? Tony stripped some - but missed dozens.

Annnnd done.

[crunching]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And Becky never understood why she was so keen to learn art handling. 

[crunching] 

That kid managed to sidestep every single one of my background checks. I don’t know how she did it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** She kind of reminds me of you.

[gulping]

[beer bottle on table]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Does she really? I have never been that perky. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah, well. Neither was your rack. 

If wishes were fishes…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Are you making wishes about my tits now? 

[crunching]

[gulp]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Not your rack. Rachel’s, obviously. I still can’t believe Steve hit that -- I’m jealous. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If you keep showing up to her court appearances, you might get a few points in your favor. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I dunno, I’m a little over his leftovers.

And… maybe not quite ready for that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She’s a little young for you, anyway. And her luck actually might be worse than yours. But she’s a good kid, when she’s not telling people how to do their jobs.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** After the last hearing she said something to me about grabbing egg creams, which makes me think Fury’s had a chat with her. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m not crazy about the idea of her going to SHIELD. But if it keeps her out of harm’s way… 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [sharp laugh]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** _Relatively speaking_ , Clint. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah.

She told me -- off the record -- that the gang is breaking up, cutting its losses, but most aren’t interested in working with Fury. 

Then again, they don’t have a lot of on-the-level options outside of SHIELD...

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] Well, I hardly think SHIELD is going to want the likes of Puff Adder and Boomslang to begin with. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I dunno, Puff Adder’s kind of a sweet name. Makes me want to sample some Sting and call up Faith Evans.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yeah, go post that on Reddit and see what happens.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** So what’s up with you? You look like you’ve got something stuck in your throat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Jalapeños. 

There’s something I wanted to show you. I’m still not sure what to make of it; I need a second opinion. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** It’s not some weird rash, is it? After Colombia in 2007, I’m _so_ over rashes.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** No, it’s this. Just a second, it’s in my pocket. 

[rustling] 

See? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah, yeah, I see it, Bilbo. 

Where’d you -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Same place I learned not to burn nachos. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Nghk. 

[silence]

Really?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He asked me Saturday night. He...we went out to dinner, I offered to pick up the check; he got cagey all of a sudden, disappeared to the restroom. I...I told him I wanted to buy a house; I thought I was moving too fast, scared him...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** So Hulk is terrified of realtors, or what?

Oh. You mean together.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [breath] We’re this close to privatization. I...Tony and I have been talking about it; there’s a very real chance I’m going to have to have a public identity. If I do, I’d like to avoid the Stark Mansion Three-Ring Circus. And Bruce can’t be in the middle of that. It seems like the practical solution. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** It’s a good idea. I mean -- it really is. Tony’s idea of privacy has always been a little more lenient than most.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony’s definitions of a lot of things are more lenient than most. 

[swallow]

Bruce and I went back to the hotel; he was being quiet. I couldn’t get a read on him. I changed into my pajamas, pulled out my book, and he kept...looking at me, like he was waiting for something. 

Turns out the ring was inside. I almost dropped it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh]

He didn’t actually _ask_?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He did. When the ring fell in my lap and I asked him what it was. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laughter]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s not customary for an engagement ring to be stretchy! I had no idea. 

_Clint_. You’re making faces.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Come on, that shit is hilarious. Bruce is literally indestructible, yet terrified you’d say no… 

I mean, okay. Maybe not that funny, but it’s so _Bruce_.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It is. And he got himself one, too. A ring. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** They’re Tony’s gold-alloy fabric, aren’t they? Smart.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** They’re perfect.  
It just...I can’t get used to wearing something on my finger. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [silence]

 _Really?_ That’s the hangup? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What do you think? You’ve been married voluntarily. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Are -- what conversation are we having? Are you asking me if you think you should marry Bruce?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [swallow] 

Well, I wouldn’t phrase it as a yes-or-no question. I know you notice more than you let on. You’re a good judge of character, as long as the subject isn’t someone you want to sleep with. I want your insight. 

[refrigerator opening]

[clinking]

[footsteps]

Come on, there’s a whole sofa. Bring the nachos. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [footsteps]

Now I get why you wouldn’t let me invite Thor to nacho-night. Here I thought you were just bogarting the bean-dip.

[plate on table]

[cushions whompfing]

[deep breath]

Okay, then. Let’s walk through it.

Why did he ask? Bruce doesn’t do things for himself, he’s -- kind of Steve-y in that way, really. Did he ask you for you, or for him?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We’ve been talking, since Steve got hurt, about revising my...directives. So that we could both make sure he’d have a hand in those decisions. Given that it’s exceedingly difficult for him to get hurt, it seems like a dependable option. And I think it would be good for him; to know he’s taking care of me. He dwells too much on the damage he causes, even as it’s less and less.

Marrying him would almost guarantee that he’d get a say. I trust him. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** So you think it’s for both of you. I feel like if that was the end of the story you wouldn’t be asking me about this.

[glug]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It..it is, I think. But you’re the person it would affect most, after me and him. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** What, because I’m your next of kin?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s taking the decision away from you. That’s part of it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Hey, it was never my decision. It’s yours, and you get to pick who can best enforce it.

You know I’m thinking about taking Tony up on … you know. All that. If I’m not here, Bruce makes sense, with or without the marriage.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You think you’re going to go through with it? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I could use a change. Things here -- remind me of things I’d rather not remember. 

I probably should have left New York years ago. After all is said and done, there are a lot of memories here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m glad you stayed. But if Bobbi’s stationed here permanently...and after Loki, and all...I understand. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Yeah.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’ll stick around if we...for the wedding, won’t you? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Is water wet? Are Hulks green? C’mon, Natasha. You’re my number one, of course I’d stick around.

Bruce makes you happy in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you be happy. You’ll have peace of mind with him making those calls. He’s a good man.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re all good men. 

[gulp]

[clink] 

[bottle opening] 

I know what the past couple years have been like for you. I don’t want to leave you out in the cold. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [bottle on table] This shouldn’t be about me. Why is this about me? It’s high time for something around here to be All About Natasha.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You don’t think this is about me? You’re the most important person in my life. You’ve been important since before I knew people could be important like that. I need you to be good. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You always did have terrible taste in humans.

[sipping]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You always did know how to pay a compliment. 

[silence]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’m good, Nat.

It’s been two years since New York. You don’t need to treat me with kid gloves, or crawl into my bed at two AM anymore because I can’t sleep. Hell, Loki’s been peeing in my shoes for the past five months and I only had one _slight_ freakout over it.

Thor bought me apologetic thunder god ice cream.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] Oh, good. I hope you got a six-scoop sundae with at least three toppings. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Fuck yeah I did. Lots of toppings. Like… fudge, toffee bits, nuts, _and_ caramel sauce. And then we made them mash up the cherries and turn those into a topping, too.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you taught him the Dog Cops theme song. Which I will never forgive you for. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I need not your absolution! 

Anyway, we’re bros now, it’s cool. He can come visit me when the next season premieres.

What I was really trying to say with all that is that you’re not responsible for my happiness, only your own. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [rustling] 

You know I promised myself I’d never get attached to someone like that again. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Choosing to be with someone is different.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I know. I’m trying to consider all the particulars. If we do this, he’ll be less likely to leave. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Aaaaaaaaaaaand that is a terrible reason to marry someone. Believe me. I know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I mean it as a reason not to. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You’re considering not marrying him because marrying him will make him less likely to leave? You’re not taking away his freedom to act if he’s offered it to you. And knowing Bruce’s martyr complex, I’m not so sure you’re right.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I think he might mean it that way. To say he won’t leave without putting it into so many words. The funny thing is, I think the only thing that ever made him stay as long as he did was that I promised to never keep him from leaving. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [sipping]

Killed him with kindness, huh. Do you trust him?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Do you think we’d be having this conversation at all if I didn’t? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Don’t look at me. If you trust him, why are you second guessing his intentions? He’s head over heels in love with you. He wants you as a permanent fixture in his life, which is pretty incredible considering this is Bruce we’re talking about and he’s spent the last god-knows-how-many-years running away from anything and everything remotely permanent. He lived off paneer and saag in a shack for _two years_.

Though I mean, paneer _is_ pretty tasty.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You know how permanence and I get along. All that being said, does that make it the right decision?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** It’s a choice, just like any other choice. I’d say … I’d say there isn’t really a right or wrong in this context. 

I thought I was doing the right thing when I married Bobbi. I felt the same way when I broke it off with Becky, and that -- well, I still think it was correct, but it was awful. Intentions mean nothing when it comes to people, it’s only what you do that matters in the end.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence]

I said yes. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [smooch]

Look at you, all grown up.

For what it’s worth, that’s what I would have told you to do. Not that you ever listen to me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Twenty-ten. Syria. I absolutely listened to you. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s true! And that time I was the one who ended up with a mouthful of bees. C’mere.

[rustle]

Bruce will always have your back.

[rustle]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tell me no one’s going to tell me I can’t. Tell me no one’s going to take it away from me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** No one is going to tell you you can’t. And if they try, I’ll plant an arrow between their eyes.

But I can’t -- you know what we do. Bruce is about as invincible as they come, but as long as we do what we do he’ll always be in the cross-hairs. You know that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch] And so will I. And I think we’d rather be in the cross-hairs together.

I guess this is what we do, when we start making decisions for ourselves. You quit. I get married?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s almost the summer of 69.

I’ve been at this a lot longer than you, and my bones are getting creaky and old. Where once I thought of desk jobs with revulsion, now they seem like a vacation. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh, you going to get a tie and a briefcase? Maybe some horn-rim specs?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I heard from a very reliable source that I’d look cute in glasses, thank you very much.

Anyway, I’ve already crossed the marriage thing off my bucket list, so what else is there to do? Croak?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I assume, knowing you, that you mean like a frog. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Naaaah, that’s Thor’s gig.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** So the ‘marriage thing?’ is it a tick-box on a survey now? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [snort] Nah. I’m just saying.

Does it hurt or help to remind you that without SHIELD breathing down our necks, we’re free to make our own mistakes? At least I know that marrying Bobbi was what I wanted. And my failure to make it work was no one’s but my own. I find that weirdly comforting.

Not that I think Bruce is a mistake. I think he’s the best possible choice you could make, really.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You know I would never have spoken more than three words to him at a time if it hadn’t been an assignment. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** No one could blame you for that.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I mean I’m suspicious of Fury’s motives. As usual.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** You two have the weirdest relationship ever.

Not you and Bruce. You and Fury.

I don’t think anyone could have predicted you and Bruce, even Nick Fucking Fury.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I wouldn’t put it past him. 

What’s weird about it?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [snort] Your mutual distrust of one another somehow looking like deep and abiding familial love. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That’s what it is. How is that different from other people’s families?

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Search me. You know how little experience I have with normal families. Becky totally took my Family Christmas Virginity. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’ve still never had one. Well. With an actual family. Maybe we’ll go to Dayton next year. I might have to tell Bruce’s aunt my real name if we’re getting married. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** HAH! Hashtag superspyproblems.

You should make jolly old Saint Nick your best man. That’d really get his blood pumping. [rustle]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] No. You. Idiot. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, when you ask like that, what idiot could say no?

[bottles clinking]

You really think Fury planned all of this? Maybe you should go ask him what flavor wedding cake you need.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Cake. Do we have to do that? The whole...cake. Party...I had been thinking I would just drive over to Town Hall. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** It’s your wedding, Nat. We do whatever you want. Though Tony’s probably gonna send you on a ridiculous honeymoon no matter what.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce would like that. Getting away from the city for a little while. Maybe I can convince him to send us somewhere with no other people.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’d voice your thoughts, otherwise you’re gonna end up someplace ridiculous. Pretty sure I heard him talking to Jarvis about Bali the other day.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I...don’t think he’d send us to Bali. Have you ever read all of his file? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Nah. I let you and Steve take care of that for me. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Hallucinogenic drugs, monkeys on rollerskates, and something about a prostitution ring? With Tiberius Stone. On September Eleventh, 2001, of all things.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s… Jesus Haploid Christ. How is he even _real_.

Well, not Bali, then. Just, I’d give him input before letting him decide. You might end up honeymooning on top of a giant custom rabbit.

[smooch]

I’m - really happy for you, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You next. Not married, necessarily. Whatever you need to do to carve out a life.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Well, if Kate works out…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** If? I thought she was the greatest thing since wheels made out of sliced bread. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I mean, I think she’s pretty rad. I’m thinking more of her place within the team. She’s young - maybe too young. I’m also not sure she really gets what she’s volunteered for.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** She’s a lot older than I was. Clint, I hate to break it to you, but anyone who’s willingly spending as much time with you as she is deserves _any_ consequences that come of it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Hey, you fell for my witty humor and charming good looks, too. Can you really blame her?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Yes. She has a trust fund, and I fell for you not putting an arrow in my throat. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [snort] Hard to argue with that.

Becky was pissed at me for picking her up - but how could I not, when she’s got such a ready-made skillset? She was meant for this shit, Nat, trust fund and all.

I feel sort of guilty, though. She thinks it’ll all be roses and Daily Show interviews. I don’t know how to make her realize that this line of work is anything but easy. And if I do scare her off, then what? Leave without filling the hole in the team? I don’t know.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Stark and I have some thoughts about that. We’ve...been keeping track of some talented kids. Steve’s got a couple more down in Philly. I’m not about to let them go through what we did. 

Anyway, just don’t try to sleep with her, and you won’t scare her off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** What? _Me_? You’re the one hooking up with team members. Well, you. And Bruce. And Steve. And--

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Don’t look so pleased with yourself. Just because it’s the first time you’re on _that_ side of the fence.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh]

I’m not going to sleep with her. I like her too much.

Besides, I want Becky to continue speaking to me.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Mmm, so not fucking nine year olds is probably a good start. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** She’s not _nine_. Christ.

It’s more about Becky than about Kate.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [silence] 

Still? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I want her in my life, Nat. I’m not… [silence]

If I can’t be _with_ her, I at least want to be with her. I know that sounds stupid - but she’s important.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And you’ll be alright with that? If she doesn’t ever…

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** What’s the other option? I’m not gonna freak out or something, shit.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint, if I’m getting married, I… Don’t let yourself be an odd man out. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I’ll figure it out, Nat.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** This doesn’t change anything between you and me. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Of course not. You’re -- you’ve got that look on your face. The one where you think I’m an idiot.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I only think you’re an idiot when you mistake “I love you” for “you’re an idiot.” 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** They’re usually the same thing with you. 

I’ll say it again - you’re not responsible for my happiness. And I _am_ happy, even without Becky.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** We ever going to get a repeat performance of the Golden Archer? That might win her over. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Hey, I look _good_ in gold!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** And in skin-tight pants. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Tony Stark is an inspired man. You should have him design your dress.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce said I didn’t need a dress. I was going to wear...I think I have something in my closet, but I have to remember to get the iron out.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Man, I have seen a lot of things in my life, but I’ve never seen you iron.

Speaking of Iron, though… Tony mentioned something about cutting his shiny new material into dress-form…

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint. _Clint._

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That’s my name, dame.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Whose side are you _on_? Is this what happens when you Super Dog Cops Racing cheat on me with someone else? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** And here you thought _I’d_ be jealous!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Replaced in your affections by _Tony Stark_. That’s much worse than Thor. That’s a long way to fall, Barton.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Is it, though? [laugh]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re commiserating with him! Over my wedding! That you didn’t even know I was havin-- wait. You didn’t know, did you? I _assumed_ Stark knew, on account of the rings, but...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laughter] 

Oh my god, you’re making this face, your left eyebrow does this thing -- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** What thing? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Mmhmm. Even though you fake your tells, you’re _so_ actually nervous.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [snort] This might be scarier than defecting. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [smooch]

You’ll be brilliant. And look on the bright side - it’s unifying your team! Happy wedding, we’re no longer trying to murder each other with our Death Glares!

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** That was just you and Stark. Well. And Steve and Stark. Various people and Stark. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** So picky. Just think of it as… I don’t know, an operation? Where no one is trying to kill you and you get extra tax credits?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s not an operation; it’s a state of being. 

It’s part of an identity that I don’t cast off. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You’ve been moving towards that for a long time. A permanent self, I mean.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m trying. I’m not always sure I know how. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** You get to decide how. That’s part of being your own person. There’s no right or wrong way to go about it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I still act to elicit the reaction I want. Not-- _mostly_ not with you or Bruce. Still sometimes with Steve and Stark. It’s impossible to do with Thor, so I don’t try. But it seems like that’s the wrong way to go about it. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Everybody does that - people alway look for what’s best for them. You’re just better at it than most of us.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I need you to check me. If I do it too much. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I can do that.

If it’s impossible to do with Thor, how do you act around him?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] I’m not sure. I’ll have to watch some footage. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh]

You should be -- you’re you, Nat. I get that thinking of yourself in this way is new, but… you’ve always been you, you just didn’t notice it.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [breath] Well, my identity’s about to become a lot more public. So I suppose it’s about time to figure out what it is. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [laugh] I’ll drink to that.

[bottles clinking]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’ll drink to anything. 

If I’m wearing a dress, you’re wearing a suit. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Works for me.

It’s gonna be _gold_.

{Saving...}

{{Saving to partition...}}


	689. hamburgers, hot dogs, beer and cake

from: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Next Friday

All: 

If any of you happen to be free next Friday night (as Steve and Stark are in California this weekend), Bruce and I are going to be getting some paperwork signed that afternoon, and we'd love to have you over for hamburgers, hot dogs, beer, and cake. It's an informal get-together, please feel free to invite friends, dates, art-gallery-assistants-turned-sidekicks, and so forth. 

\--N & B


	690. kidding, kidding.

  
From: Darcy Lewis The Viking Chieftain Stark-Rogers-Foster-Odinson ([DLewis3@culver.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
Subject: Re: Next Friday 

Does this mean what I think it means?! FREE BEER?

kidding, kidding. I'm stoked for you guys, congratulations!! And regardless of your wishes I'm totally swinging by Rite-Aid to buy you the wedding gift of your dreams.

-Darcy

PS who asked who?? we have to know who won the pool!


	691. Flower Dog

From: Steven. G Rogers-Lewis-Stark-Romanova-Banner-Odinson-Barton-Foster-Who-Else-Is-On-This-Invitation (S.Rogers@Starkindustries.com)  
To: tower-ml@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: Next Friday 

Pepper and I are driving up, since Tony's state-of-the-art trains are shamefully delinquent in their availability. We're bringing Moose; we've taken the time to explain to him the very serious responsibilities of being a Flower Dog. 

-S


	692. Maid of Honor

from: Tony Stark([TStark@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: Next Friday

congrats and all that jazz, should I start ordering tablecloths and place-settings in red and green?

Why wasn't I informed there was a pool?!

-T

PS Clint, call me, Jan needs to get you fitted for your Maid of Honor dress.


	693. Insider trading

from: Clinton Barton ([Hawkeye@starkindustries.com](http://archiveofourown.org/works/972937/chapters/2016228/))  
to: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: Next Friday

Awww, dress, no.

Stark, nobody invites you into pools because you're a sore loser - also, we figured Bruce would consult you. Insider trading totes disqualifies you from the pot.

more importantly, though, congratulations to two of my favorite people. you two deserve all the happiness and tax-breaks legally wedded bliss can offer.

clint.


	694. barring some celestial cataclysm

From: Dr. Jane Foster ([jafoster@usm.maine.edu](%20))  
To: [tower-ml@starkindustries.com](%20)  
subject: Re: Next Friday

I was about to ask Tony how he was unaware there was a swimming pool on his property, considering the number of times he's pushed people in.

I'll be there barring some celestial cataclysm. Congratulations! 

-J


	695. get away

From: Tony Stark ([tstark@starkindustries.com](%20))  
To: Natalie Rushman ([N.Rushman@starkindustries.com](%20)); Bruce Banner ([doc.banner@avengersinitiative.org](%20))  
subject: Re: Next Friday

sorry kids, there is NO WAY we are doing this in the bark yard. I've booked Delmonico's. All of it. And the deposit is non-refundable, so let's get ready for some maaaasive protein intake. 

(and Brucie, they've agreed to do a blackened eggplant, portobello and tofu steak selection as well - just because i love you best.)

the honeymoon's on me, the jet is at your disposal. I'll even turn the tracking off so you can _really_ get away.

T


	696. Please no gifts!




	697. Terms and Conditions

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 34°03'23.68"N 118°24'52.43"W, LOS ANGELES, CA, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION: Young And Beautiful-- Lana Del Rey, 1985-PRESENT] 

[garbled voices]

[chatter, laughter, drinks pouring]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You okay with this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is my natural habitat, sugarplum.

[kiss]

Are _you?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s what worries me. You know I’ll be fine. Remember what I said. One of us wants to go, we go. No ten more minutes, we pick up the keys and leave. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** And I agreed, babycakes. Do we need a safeword? Can it be “banana hammock”?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You mean like in that photograph over there? _Yours_ can. Mine is going to be something I’m not ashamed to say in public. How about Mapplethorpe? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

You’re so -- 

[breath]

Thanks for coming, Steve. I know this isn’t comfortable for you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And I know you feel better with me here, natural habitat or no. You can owe me a milkshake. 

[smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love you.

[smooch]

…. hey, hey, I spy with my little eye one _Jan Van Dyne_ ... You know she’s going to have thoughts about your hipster beard. She’s been harping about mine for the last decade. 

You mind if I go say hi?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You can tell I’m already eyeing the buffet, can’t you? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] 

You’re drooling. Plus I’m pretty sure there are ten different kinds of cheese, should keep you occupied for long enough for me to make small talk. [kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I haven’t eaten since we left the hotel! 

[inaudible] 

Go. I’ll be right back; I want to say hello, too. Be good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m always good.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah, you are.

[smooch]

[kiss]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION: This is Hardcore-- Pulp] 

[footsteps]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Um, excuse me-- I don’t mean to bother you, but--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Are you…?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laugh] Uh. Probably? Yeah. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Could you…my kids are huge fans, and--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I...um...sure? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Oh my god, thank you so much; I never do this, I just--

[tapping, click] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** That come out okay? 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown001:** Perfect. Thank you, thanks, I’ll let you--

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Hey, Angie, you aren’t monopolizing our favorite blonde, are you?

 **UNKNOWN.Angie:** I’ll tell Brad on you, Tiberius. Go on, go on. He’s more your type than mine.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckling]

[footsteps]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Nice color scheme, Stone. But I think your decorator’s trying to compensate for something.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Mm, I wouldn’t take you for the thinking type, Captain. You appear to have such simple tastes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah, well, forgive me for preferring Rockwell to Mapplethorpe. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** No accounting for taste, I suppose. Did Tony ever tell you he posed for Mapplethorpe? He was barely legal at the time.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And Howard had the outtakes seized. I’ve seen them. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** He _was_ awfully proud. It was all over the tabloids.

[ice clinking]

He looks good, tonight.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough, footsteps] 

You have anything to drink around here for a teetotaler? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** There’s a full soda bar in the kitchen.... [footsteps]

[footsteps on tile]

[bottles clinking]

I hear the caterers forgot the root beer, though. Tsk.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Gee, such a shame. I’m sure that wasn’t deliberate. What’ve you got? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Not a big reader, are you?

[cabinet creaking open]

Let’s see… Orange soda, grape, Coca-cola, a slew of diet-cancer type drinks, Blue Sky cream soda...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Grape, please. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [can snapping open]

[liquid pouring over ice]

Your wish is my command, blondie.

[glass on the counter]

Your tie is crooked, Captain Rogers. Allow me.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t think so, Stone. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Oh, touchy. 

[shifting]

Still sore over Tony, cupcake? There’s room enough for both of you in my bed, you know. Don’t be jealous.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, the day I lose all sense of self-worth, I’ll call you. You think I’m angry about _Tony_? You tried to have me killed. And Rachel, who had nothing to do with your goddamn...fixation.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I’m sure I did nothing of the sort.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You know exactly what you did. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Are you up in arms about that article? I was trying to make a point.

Besides, I have a very firm view on violence. That sort of thing should always be safe, sane, and consensual.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Funny how that was none of those. You want to explain what your point was? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I don’t like being ignored. Particularly not when someone owes me something.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I didn’t owe you anything.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** [snort] It really had nothing to do with you, handsome.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Considering it was my life on the line, I beg to differ, Gumdrop.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** Oooooh, have you grown teeth? Fascinating.

[shifting]

[sniffing] 

Mmm, you smell like... Are you wearing _his_ Clive Christian? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Not unless it rubbed off. Do you want something? 

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION: Monster-- Lady Gaga, 1985-PRESENT] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** I think you know what I want.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I haven’t the faintest idea. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps]

I want to know what makes you tick. The macho-good-guy-with-a-side-of-patriotism shtick gets old, Captain. Where’s your pressure point? Let me...

[hands against cloth] ...find --

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [rustling]

[slam]

[dishes rattling] 

Don’t. Touch. Me. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [choked coughing, gasping]

You maniac -- [coughing]

[shifting, thump] I can -- see why Tony likes you. He always did enjoy a little man-handling.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [breath] Considering that you’re business partners now, and I had to sit through the goddamn training, I can safely say that everything you’re doing constitutes harassment. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** What, should I have stopped to ask your color?

[groan]

That’s going to bruise. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good. Don’t touch me again. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You know if that scratched my cabinets I’m billing your personal Daddy Warbucks, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Did he bill you for scratching his armor? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** He should be paying _me_ for the improvements. I don’t work for free, it’s bad for business.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m sure you’re making more than enough off the energy deal. And Tony’s paid you back and then some in his time. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Yeah, well, money is rarely his currency of choice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You want to try to scare me, or rub in how very well you know him, you just go right ahead. I’m not playing those kinds of games. Frankly, I don’t care. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Then why’d you come to my house and corner me in my kitchen?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony wanted me here, and I wanted a soda. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** God, you’re dull. Just a walking, talking Ken doll for my Tony to play with. 

Enjoy your _soda_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [footsteps]

You need to understand something, Stone. He’s not yours. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [chuckle]

He’ll get bored of you. He always does, with your type.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s not about me. People can’t own people. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Spoken like a man with too few zeroes in his paycheck.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Funny, because I’m not the one who intercepted a phonecall from another hemisphere to tell someone to stay away from him.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** I intercepted a lot more than that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I noticed.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** It’s unfortunate that only one of us was concerned enough about his well-being to address the real issue at hand, Captain. I _told_ you why I called. 

And I was right. I saw what you did to him at the Met, even if the photos didn’t make the paper. You nearly killed him. _Again._

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You used your company’s resources to leak information that endangered the life of someone I had a responsibility to. You hacked a security system overseen by an international law enforcement agency, and stole one of the world’s most dangerous weapons. To _prove a point_. And as far as I can tell, you didn’t give a damn about the welfare of anyone else involved. You owe the fact that you’re not being tried by some secret tribunal somewhere while your stock prices shrink to the price of a bowl of soup in _my day_ to Tony. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [snort] Don’t be so overdramatic. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not being overdramatic. I’m being factual.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You were the one with your hands around his throat, loverboy.

Besides, I had permission to try the suit.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Not under those conditions.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** And you’re all about conditions, aren’t you. How about I offer _you_ some conditions?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’m not interested. Somehow I get the sense I’m going to hear them anyway.

 **STONE.Tiberius:** You stay out of my way, and your little pink-haired girlfriend stays out of my sights.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Really? You’re going to bring Rachel into this? Are you _joking_? 

**STONE.Tiberius:** She’s been so good about attending her hearings, it would be a shame if something happened to her.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t threaten my friends. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [footsteps] That wasn’t a threat, that was the condition. _Now_ I get to state my terms.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No. That was my condition. These are my terms. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [yawn]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [fist smashing through drywall, splintering, rattling] 

**STONE.Tiberius:** Ah.... [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Don’t do that again. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [swallow]

Th… I’m still not sure you… [shifting]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION: Die Young-- Ke$ha, 1987-PRESENT] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yes, you are. You’re very sure. 

[footsteps, bottle scraping against counter, swallow] 

I’ll tell Tony you said hello. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** You …. do that.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I hope you weren’t using that wall for anything. 

**STONE.Tiberius:** [angry footsteps]

[party chatter]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** There you are, babycakes. You leave any cheese for me?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Steve! Tony and I were just talking business. It’s so good to see you back! And that beard, yummy. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Right? It’s really growing on me, although I feel like the constant beard-burn is probably karmic.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Technically, it’s growing on me, Tony. And you deserve it. 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** [laughter] You _two_. You’re really learning to wing it, Steve. To think how awkward you were last winter! 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He wears confidence well, though I almost miss how easy it was to make him blush…

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Oh, I bet he can make _you_ blush by now, with those stingers. I’ve got faith in this one, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckles] That’s the first time you’ve ever, ever said that about someone I dated. Though I, uh, tend to agree.

[cough]

Your drink is empty - can I grab you another?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I kind of wanted to see if I could take you home and make you blush. 

[throat clearing] 

More than you already are, I mean. One of the Mapplethorpes is looking at me funny.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ah -- 

They _are_ a bit oppressive. I mean, _mine_ is quite tasteful, but nine in one room?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Oh dear. What did Ty do this time? Do I need to flit over and pick him up off the floor? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m sure he’s being his typical charming self. Are you alright, Steve?

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [smooch] 

I’m fine. 

The kitchen might not be.

You might get a bill. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [coughing] Oh, my god, I leave you on your own for _five minutes…_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Good night, Jan. We’ll see you in New York? 

[footsteps] 

**VANDYNE.Janet:** Do bees buzz? Goodnight, you two! 

[footsteps, door opening and closing]

[elevator button click]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I love you.

You’re really alright? You seem a little, ah...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** He assaulted me and threatened Ray. I assaulted his kitchen. 

[tapping]

I need to get a message in; SHIELD’s going to want to move her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He-- _what?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [tapping] He tried to grope me and said it would be a shame if something happened to her. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He -- for fuck’s sake, how juvenile can he possibly be--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I don’t care; I just don’t want to take any chances with Ray. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** He won’t touch her. He wouldn’t dare. I’m more pissed that he touched _you_.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I broke a few plates and put a hole in his wall. I’m fine. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** ... I shouldn’t have brought you along for this. Can...

[shifting]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [rustling] Yeah.

[kiss] 

You sure you want to work with this guy? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You -- know I have to.

Anyway, I helped make him what he is. I can deal.

[elevator bell ringing, door opening, footsteps] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s not your fault, Tony. You didn’t-- he’s not one of your robots. Youre not responsible for him. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [sharp laugh] DUM-E is much better behaved.

[button mashing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And has better taste in art. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Come on, Mapplethorpe has his appeal.

Can I blow you in Ty’s elevator?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] 

With the cameras, motion detectors, and an alarm system that triggers the elevator brakes if the security system is disabled?

No. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** How about in the front seat of the Maserati?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] 

You’re terrible at changing the subject. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** It was worth a try.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I didn’t say no. 

[elevator bell ringing, door opening]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckle] 

C’mon then, sugarplum. Let’s take this conversation on the road. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laugh] 

[footsteps, automatic door opening] 

You do realize that between living in New York and growing up in the Great Depression, I am _woefully_ inexperienced with cars? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [chuckles]

That’s fine. 

You’re driving, it’ll be good practice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible]

Damn right I am. 

{Saving…}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tea here!
> 
> So I keep track of all the chapters for the fic in a handy little spreadsheet with dates and then the list of chapter titles to be posted on that date.
> 
> Somehow, at some point, I mis-numbered the dates, and never noticed that I did it. 
> 
> The upshot is, you get one extra day of posts, because Tea is bad at spreadsheets. Fic is ending on the 15th!


	698. This is the Rest of My Life

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 43°38'19.39"N 116°14'28.86"W, New York, NY, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[beep]

 **LEWIS.Darcy** Okay, Bridal Party part two, rolling.

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Mew. 

**LEWIS.Darcy** No, you can’t… Si-if, don’t bat the camera...

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Mew? 

**FOSTER.Jane:** Here, I’ll take her -- Sif, dear, we’ve discussed this, you know that plastic isn’t good for you.

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Mew? 

**FOSTER.Jane:** Yes, I’ll read it to you when we get home.

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Purr. 

**LEWIS.Darcy** Can you really -- Jesus, why am I even asking…

[glass chiming, chatter subsiding]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Okay, everybody! It’s time. 

[scattered applause]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You ready for the big moment, Nat? Signing the ole life away?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Oh? Don’t get too cocky, Stark, we all know you’re next. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [laugh] Please, if you start throwing bouquets I’m running in the other direction. You _know_ how commitment-a-phobic I am….

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, will, you, now? Are you planning to back out when it’s your turn? We might have to have a conversation about that. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [chuckling] Go on, then.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [pen scratching on paper] [breath] 

It’s done. Signed. 

[laugh]

This is the rest of my life.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [laugh] Is that the scariest thing you’ll have to do today? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Bruce. You need to sign, too. If you---

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** We can’t leave the man of the hour out. Bruce, we’ll let you go second, under your wife....

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [snort] This is more exciting than going down to city hall.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You just hate lines, dear. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** Hand it over.

[scritching]

Done and done. It’s official.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [paper rustling] Well done, you two. Is it feeling real, yet?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** It’s the only time in my adult life I can remember my knees shaking. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** All right, where do you need me to stick my John Hancock? 

BARTON.Clinton.F: [snickers]

 **MAN.Spider:** [groans] 

Hawkeye, don’t ruin it! This is exciting. I wish _I_ was signing something.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You get to sign something when you turn eighteen. 

**MAN.Spider:** Wh-- I’m totally eighteen. Why wouldn’t you think I’m eighteen? I’m definitely--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And I’m totally ninety-six. Tony. Give me the paper. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Of course. I do love watching you write, your loopity Gs are the sexiest.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Catholic orphanage penmanship. We got our hands swatted if we didn’t shape our Ls correctly. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ohh, kinky.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I’m sending you and Clint to the corner. As soon as you sign this. Or are you still too chicken? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Chicken? _Me?_

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t know, you look like you might turn and run. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’ll show _you._

[pen scritching]

[deep breath]

There we go -- Houston, we have a Team. With the addition of four active, full-time signatories The Avengers are officially _plural_. 

[glass clinking]

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official - the Avengers Charter is open for business. Any further participants having met with the approval of the _Triumvirate of Power_ \-- 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Tony, just let them sign the paper. Thor?

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Verily, Lady Natasha. I shall sign in the name of my father’s line and the mighty house of Odinson, swearing my solemn oath of allegiance before all the brave souls gathered here today.

[scribble] [scribble] [scribble] [scribble]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** That’s…. a pretty impressive series of titles, Thor.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** It is my given name, Clinton. It would be wrong to sign in another fashion… though the empty spaces here are quite small… 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Leave some room for the rest of us. You want me with the six up here, even though I’m sort of-- in limbo? 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Six original members. All together. Right here. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Alright, alright... man, I feel like I’m signing the Declaration of Independence. 

[scribbling]

Take that, monarchy!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s exactly like that. Captain America says so. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Make sure you it real big, so that old King Fury won’t have to squint.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [inaudible] John Fucking Hancock. 

**MAN.Spider:** [flash clicking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [snicker] I always thought he had the dirtiest name, but Captain America just made it dirtier…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Did he _ever_. [smooch]

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** [laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That’s a terrible thing to say about our Founding Fathers. 

[inaudible]

 **MAN.Spider:** [flash clicking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** Kid, are you taking photos of the signing or the face sucking?

 **MAN.Spider:** Both. I can do both, right?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You need college money; the face sucking pays better.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** Whatever you like, as long as you have at least one shot of Natasha in her dress.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [sigh] Oh, god. Not the dress. 

[rustling] 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** You look divine. But then, you always do. [smooch]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Up, up, up. I am not having wedding pictures without you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [laughs] [shuffling] 

[cameras flashing]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [smooch]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That’s the money shot…

 **DUM-E UNIT 003:** [happy beeping]

 **STARK-ROGERS.Moose:** [barking, tail thumping against table legs]

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** Oh, I always cry at weddings. Not so much at board meetings now that Tony’s out of my hair, though. This feels like a strange fusion of the two…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Signing the privatized team into existence is Nat’s gift, Pepper. Literally _the only thing_ she would let us give her.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P.:** [laughter]

Well, since I’m not signing, I’ll gift a hug. Nat, you look amazing.

[rustle]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Who’s next?

 **DANVERS.Carol.S.J.:** Next. Pen? JIM. We’re signing together. 

**RHODES.James.R:** Yes, dear. Tony, stay away from the caterer while my back is turned.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Steve _did_ do the desserts...

 **RHODES.James.R:** [snort] [scribbling]

 **BISHOP.Katherine.E.:** Give me the paper, before they decide to tell me I’m too young again. 

**MAN.Spider:** And then me, pass the--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You _are_ too young.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** But if you’re still interested on your eighteenth birthday... 

**MAN.Spider:** I don’t see how you can possibly expect to maintain my anonymity AND find out when my eighteenth birthday is.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Well, you can sign when you stop being mysteriously busy between the hours of eight and four and complaining about your third period Geography tests, how about that?

 **MAN.Spider:** _Fine_ , Dad. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And that’s how we know you’re too young.

 **MAN.Spider:** For what it’s worth, my parents are dead...

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Join the club, Batman. [manly shoulder pats]

 **MAN.Spider:** [laugh] For the record, if Tony is dad, Cap is _deeeeefinitely_ mom.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F.:** [muttered] Not sure how I feel about that, it feels a bit incestuous...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Wait, why am I mom? What--

 **MAN.Spider:** You promised to make everyone breakfast! And told me to do my homework! And offered to check my answers!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Well, it doesn’t matter what Tony says, French is still important for more than picking up women.

 **MAN.Spider:** Most of my picking-up-women these days is way too literal. [sigh]

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** [fluttering, buzzing] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F.:** How’re you gonna manage the pen, Jan?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** This isn’t my first rodeo, Hawkeye! OOoooooffff----

[poink]

Okay, okay, maybe normal size is better for this kind of thing.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I will _never_ get used to that. I can’t believe you were spying for SHIELD all along and you never told me. Is there no justice in this world?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Spying sounds so nineteen-sixties cold war. I prefer ‘information specialist.’ _Someone_ had to be keeping an eye on Tiberius Stone.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** _You_ are ridiculous and _I_ am in love. Sorry, Steve, it’s over. _Jan_ even appreciates my forays into the fashion world.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Forays, yes. Fashion, only if you use the term veeeeery loosely. 

[smooch]

You had your chance, Tony. I told you, if we’re both single when I turn forty-five, maaaaaybe I’ll consider it.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Hey, Steve, I found us a baby mama!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:**...Do I not get a say in this?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** No, you don’t, because the answer is no, unless you’re looking for baby wraparound culottes.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Is that like pilates?

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** No, they’re like jeans.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Lady Jan, my Jane would be most interested in--

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Thor! Shush, Th-- 

**ODINSON.Thor:** \--studying your phenomenal --

 **FOSTER.Jane:** [muttered] I meant the other kind of genes.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** oh, was that meant to be a … oh.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** You can’t just go around telling people I want to pick apart their genes. It’s unseemly.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I dunno, that line got me laid once or twice…

 **RHODES.James.R:** Twice.

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** And they were such classy, memorable occasions.

 **RHODES.James.R:** I’m still just as horrified that line worked on more than one person in the world today as I was back then.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Jim, that’s not fair, one of them was technically a mutant.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** And the reason I’m no longer allowed to go out drinking with good old Logan. Poor, poor choices...

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [cough] You’ve never asked _me_ that, Tony. And my genes are actually _altered_. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Eh, I picked a hair off our pillows ages ago.

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** Why do I actually believe you? [smooch] Thanks again for inviting me to the team, Tony. You guys are way more fun than those stuffshirts over at SHIELD. They wouldn’t expense my beverages or anything! 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** That’s not a tough order, Miss Van Dyne. Jane’s not the only one interested in your genes though, I really _would_ love a chance to--

 **VANDYNE.Janet:** [laugh] Of course, Bruce. I’m an excellent patient. Very well behaved!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** That makes you the only one -- you have any idea how grumpy these bastards get when they’re under the weather?

 **LEWIS.Darcy:** Says the man who said it was the intern’s job to find some fucking ramen that they only sell in one grocery store in Manhattan the last time he was sick. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I don’t get sick. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Correction. “I don’t get sick, but when I do, I’m possessed by an evil dark god who hates artistic archaeological artifacts with the burning of a thousand suns. Also I black eyes.”

 **POTTS.Virginia.P:** Please, Tony. You’re an absolute child when you’re sick. And you once ordered a _seventeen hundred dollar_ hot water bottle.

 **MAN.Spider:** Se -- sevente--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I know. It’s ridiculous. Show of hands, who here hasn’t blacked Tony’s eye? 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m out. And Clint, didn’t you have that, uh, ‘sex accident?’

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [cough] I thought we agreed never to speak of that again, Clint.

 **MAN.Spider:** [hands clapping over ears] La la la la, can’t hear this, not thinking, not visualizing…

 **ODINSON.Thor:** [booming laugh] Aye, that is truly the bravest of wounds, I once -- AH! Dearest Jane, you’re crushing my toes--

 **FOSTER.Jane:** NOPE. NOPE. NOT AT ALL. Never happened. Not a thing.

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Mew. 

[general laughter]

 **MAN.Spider:** I just -- eight legs? Everyone’s just okay with floating eight legged kittens?

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** [purring] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Aren’t you technically a two-legged spider?

 **MAN.Spider:** I’m just saying, it takes more than a radioactive nibble to sprout that kind of bonus limb-age. 

**ODINSON.Thor:** [throat clearing]

 **MAN.Spider:** Not that they aren’t--you know, totally adorable and everything. That one has your eyes, Thor.

 **FOSTER.Jane:** Well, if your aunt decides she’d like a new cat...

 **MAN.Spider:** Yeah, that’d be about as easy to explain as the D I made on my last chemistry test.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony, if he’s getting Ds in chemistry, he’s not allowed to crash in your lab anymore. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yes, dear. 

Chemistry is more Bruce’s field anyway, maybe your Thursday study sessions should be at their place…

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** The door is always open, Spider-Man.

 **MAN.Spider:** Aw, shucks. I suppose I could _swing_ by.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Dearest Jane, I have spoken to you already, but I fear that adoption might… not suit my fine young niece and nephews… 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [snort] [footsteps]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Even with eight legs, these kittens are way less creepy that their mom. Dad. Uh, parent. 

**MAN.Spider:** At least they’re not hovering permanently three feet off the ground in the men’s restroom.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Kid, your brain is a little disturbing sometimes. 

**MAN.Spider:** No, it’s from a … never mind.

 **KNUTSDOTTIR.LadySif:** Mew. 

[general laughter, talking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [quietly] Nat? You want to …?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [shifting] I don’t know what, but yes. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** [footsteps]

[voices retreating]

[door opening and closing]

[smooch]

Hello, wife.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [inaudible] 

Bruce. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** This is our wedding day, and that room contains more people than I’ve ever… 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] That’s why no one will notice you whisking me off. . Believe me, Stark can hold enough attention for ten of us. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** It’s like every birthday party I never had all at once. It’s amazing. And it’s all because of you.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [rustling] Hardly. Tony’s the one who insisted on the fancy party; you know that. But...getting everyone in one room, to sign the papers…

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** It’s an elegant move, and everything I expect from you. This entire day has been about beginnings. It’s… been a long time since I let myself look forward to things.

[kiss]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** You’re...sure you’re all right? With signing on? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I am if you’re in charge. I trust you. If we create meaning in our lives, it’s difficult to see a meaning more satisfying than what we mean to do here.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I still stand by my original promise. I’ll never ask you to do anything you don’t want to do. And if you want to leave...I won’t lock you in. I guess those are my wedding vows, of a sort.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** No cages…. just the old ball and chain, hmm? [laugh]

Natasha. 

I’m glad you found me. I’m even more glad you asked me to stay. [inaudible]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I’m glad you chose to. [inaudible]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

[knocking]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Uhhhhhhhh guys, sorry to interrupt your clandenstine married-people-makeouts, but you’ve got a special visitor. 

In the hall.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** A...Bruce? 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** I … who is it?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Fury. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** _Nick fucking Fury_. 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Clint? Does he look happy or out to arrest someone? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** ... he brought a _gift_.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** He knows about the privatization now, right?

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** Of course. He’s known all along. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** That explains the Kitchenaid. Sorry, I peeked.

[pause]

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** He… [silence] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Would it kill the bastard to say something next time? Shit.

[footsteps]

[door creaking]

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [smooch] 

**ROMANOVA.Natalia:** I...Yes. Fury bought us a _mixer_. Let’s...

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [rustling] [chuckle] 

Thank him politely, and pretend he never tried to blackmail you into leaving me?

Even I can guess what that’s Fury-speak for.

 **ROMANOVA.Natalia:** [laugh] I...I got out. _We_ got out. And we didn’t have to hide, or kill anybody. We’re out. We get to decide what we want for ourselves.

 **BANNER.Robert.B:** [kiss] Yeah.

Let’s go open that champagne.

{Savng...}


	699. Assuage his neurosis

Steve,

So… can I come visit you in Philly? I realize that's technically inviting myself over, which I'm pretty sure is tacky, but hey. I’m just like, trying to give Nat her space, and Tony’s kind of obsessively monitoring the corner by your house via traffic cameras so I thought maybe I’d attempt to assuage his neurosis via an on-site security inspection, making sure Pepper’s system is up to snuff…

Also like, Nat is all busy being married and I don’t want to get up in her business… it’s weird, her being married. I keep thinking about how psyched I was when Bobbi and I tied the knot and I want her to be able to do all that shit – the goofy looks and surprisingly freaky afternoon sex and burned dinners that everyone laughs about without me hanging around, especially since she tends to keep an eye on me when she should be prioritizing her own shit. And Thor is in Portland with Jane, and Ray’s been relocated before her next hearing, so.

I thought that you know, we did the whole manly South American bonding thing? Maybe we could try the bonding rituals of the north American male, involving foosball and pbr? And like, maybe foot long philly cheesesteaks? You could take incriminating selfies of yourself eating them and text them to Tony when he’s in board meetings, it’d be great.

it's been a hell of a year. I know you’re super busy with school and all, so it’s cool if it doesn’t shake out.... it'd be nice if it did though. we miss you around here.

clint


	700. You'll be thick as thieves

Clint--

Pepper's out of town this weekend; you should hop on a train and come down. You're not a bother, as long as you don't blast the Dog Cops OST at 4 in the morning. I get out of class Friday afternoon, and Sam and I are taking the kids to the movies; you should come. Sam will be thrilled to have someone around who drinks the same shitty beer he does and makes a bigger ass of himself at karaoke. You'll be thick as thieves; it's going to be great. 

I guess I can't say I know how you're feeling, but I guess seeing Natasha married must be for you what it would have been life for me to watch Bucky get married. You find people in your life who just make sense, you become part of a pair, and seeing them peel off...it doesn't mean you're not still part of a pair, but they've got two pairs to be part of. 

It's been nice to get away from New York. That first year out, it felt like a prison, and even though all that's changed, it feels good to have a life of my own, and friends of my own. I know I told you last winter that I felt like I never got to do what I wanted, and I feel like I'm finally finding a way to keep my obligations to other people and the ones to myself that I neglected. It's funny, sometimes I felt like too many people were piling too much responsibility on my shoulders, but when I step back, when someone actually lets me choose the responsibility? Of course it's what I want. 

 

So, thanks. Thanks for trusting me and giving me the benefit of the doubt, and thanks for calling me on my bullshit when you thought someone had to make the call. 

Come down whenever you feel like it-- Friday afternoon is fine. I'll call Sam, we'll go to a bar. I'll even pick up your tab.

Steve


	701. Fireworks to Follow




	702. The Life of Every Party I Attend

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	703. Think of how weird the fan fiction would be.

**{STARKWATCH AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 40°42'20.07"N 74°00'09.7956"W, New York, NY, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [footsteps, plastic crinkling] Hello?

[ropes creaking, water lapping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Permission to come aboard, Captain?!

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Ooh, role-reversal. I like it.

Permission granted… uh, Captain.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [footsteps] 

I know I’m early for the party; I just came straight from the train. Can I--

What the hell are you wearing?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** A captain’s hat, obviously.

And my vintage “purrfect union” fourth of july glitter-cat tee. What?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [chuckle] I think I saw a five-year-old girl wearing that on my parade route. C’mere. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Sir yes sir….

[smooch]

Mm. How _was_ the parade? I hope nobody rained on it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Mmm...

[iaudible]

_Fun._ You should have come down. I have a whole… 

[plastic crinkling] bag of art little kids drew me. 

And they gave me this collectible visor. And whistle. And light-up bracelet, see? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Very impressive.

The bracelet, not the art, seriously… [rustling] Look at that -- you can see your stick-legs through your pants in this one. Indecent. DUM-E is a much better artist.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are you mocking preschoolers, Tony? The levels we stoop to. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Excuse me, preschoolers should at least know their shapes. Look at this. Triangle shields aren’t very patriotic.

[rustle]

[splash]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony! My visor! What are you-- [laughter] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nope! No visors on my boat! My boat, my rules, no visors.

[rustling]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [rustling]

[inaudible] 

You’re lucky you have guests coming, or that _shirt_ would be in the river. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** But it’s _vintage._ Also, Becky bought it. We have to at least take a selfie or something before it goes into the drink.

[kiss]

So. About that party…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** The party I’m supposed to be lending my grilling skills to? Tonight? In...eight minutes, which, considering this is New York, probably won’t see any guests for forty-eight minutes? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [clears throat] Yeah, that one. I’m thinkin I might have ...slightly... exaggerated the guest list.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Slightly, as in…?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well. I only cooked for two. I left the steaks for you, though. I never get them right.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** For tw-- _You cooked_ \-- I--?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I missed your actual birthday. So I figured an un-birthday would have to do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** You-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Please tell me that’s a good stunned silence and not a giant custom rabbit stunned silence? At least taste the marshmallow salad before you get mad.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Marshmallow _salad_ What is a marshmall-- oh. 

Tony. Yeah. It’s good. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Happy un-birthday. [kiss]

I’m sorry I threw away your visor.

[kiss]

Almost, anyway.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** So what you’re saying is, I get to throw away your shirt? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** You wouldn’t dare. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [rustling] 

Smile for Becky. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Cheeeeeeeeeee-eeese.

And one for me.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] 

Shame we didn’t get one with my visor. 

[rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? You’re going to pollute the poor east river with that monstrosity of a t-shirt? [inaudible]

What if I get cold?

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Isn’t that what you keep me around for?

[rustling] 

_Now_ you get all environmentally-aware, when it’s not my clothing. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [snort] You can’t be serious - you know they just awarded me the Green Award of America last week over the new Flint plant, right? I even showed up to accept it.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [kiss] 

Fine. I won’t put it in the river. 

[rustling, fabric falling] 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss] You could use it as kindling on the grill? You know those steaks aren’t gonna cook themselves. [swat]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I see how it is…’Happy birthday; now make me dinner.’ Where are the steaks? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laugh] I could try. Don’t be mad if yours is too well-done, though.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, I’ve got it. 

[footsteps]

You know, most people say they’re just going out for dinner and spring a surprise party. Usually doesn’t happen the other way around. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I know, I know. We didn’t get much time to talk at the wedding… not just us, I mean. I thought it would be nice.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [grill ignition, flames]

It is. I keep hearing about your boat; it’s nice to see what the fuss is about. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I thought about getting it painted red white and blue just for you, but Becky suggested that’d be “dog park” levels of overkill… so I figured you know, bbq, picnic blanket, fireworks…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, no, we wouldn’t want to overdo anything; let’s just have a picnic on a yacht. 

[thumps, steaks sizzling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Har dee har har, yuk it up, giggles.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That you built. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mmm. And tuned up while waiting for your might fine grand-marshalling ass to show up to your birthday party.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And probably had to get special clearance from the Port Authority to dock this close to the fireworks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, you _are_ a superhuman. And they owed you one anyway, after all the help you gave during Sandy…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Is that how this works? I was wondering what you do in these sorts of circumstances, do you call the Mayor’s Office and say “Hello, this is Tony Stark,” or do you say, “Hello, this is Captain America’s boyfriend?” 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Mostly it’s just “Hey Bill,” seeing as I have him on speed dial and all…

What were they gonna say? No, you can’t throw your sexy keys-to-the-city holding boytoy a patriotic birthday party on his favorite day of the year? I’m no Tiberius Stone, but even _I_ know that’s terrible PR.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [cough] Since we’re bringing up Mister Stone, do we...know for sure this isn’t being televised? Or recorded for rebroadcasting? Or going to show up on the cover of twelve papers? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I’m more worried about Spidey these days, that kid is fucking _everywhere._

I think we’re safe - he’s on his best behavior in the hopes that Jen won’t renew the restraining order.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s what kids do these days, Tony. I’ve got the same problem with the kids in Philly; they’ve got themselves plastered all over Instagram. They just know better than to sell their photos to the paper. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter] And he thinks he’s being so sneaky. You know he came in his day-clothes looking for internships at SI?!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And what did you do, call him Mister Parker and pretend you had no idea? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nah - I did blow past him on my way to the elevators, just to see what he’d do. His poker face is as terrible as yours.

So I had Earnest invent a youth outreach program to give me a way to pay him. He’ll be a glorified grasping arm, but sometimes it’s good to start from the ground up.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** What I lack in poker faces, I make up for in deadpan. 

[steaks sizzling] 

Speaking of starting from the ground up. I have a present for you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Really? You’ve got this whole birthday thing backwards, babycakes… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [kiss] 

Seeing as you’re the one who did the surprise party backwards. 

[paper crinkling] 

Here. 

[kiss]

I have to turn the steaks. 

 

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [paper rustling]

….hey! They went for it! Is this the real deal?

[pages turning] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** Real deal.

[clinking, sizzling]

Philly’s in. Mayor Nutter gave it to me at the parade. I guess they like the stuff Sam and I have been doing with the kids. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** This is fantastic, Steve. The west coast has been shy about signing on… having another city go in for the official SHIELD-free pitch is exactly what we need in our pocket to land LA. [smooch]

You’re amazing.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [inaudible] 

You’re amazing. If Pepper were here, she’d tell you you deserve at least twelve percent of the credit. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, I did donate an obscene amount to the Independence Hall visitor’s center repairs …

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** And we didn’t even _cause_ that damage. 

So, what does this make it? New York is in, right? Flint...We can get Newark, can’t we? I’m pretty sure Cory Booker would just sign on to _be_ an Avenger. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

I expect you’re right.

So, are you… thinking about staying in Philly, then?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well. 

They agreed to take my old credits, so if I stay for the August semester, I’ll have a diploma. 

I figure the kids go back to school in September…

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Yeah, they would.

You know, I hate to say I told you so, but I was _totally 100% right_ with my schooling advice last fall. [laugh]

I don’t actually hate it. and in this case I’m happy to be right. I’m just saying… [smooch]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [smooch] 

You did tell me so. 

[sizzle] 

That was almost a year ago, Tony. You told me that in _September_. You want this thing rare? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** A year. Good lord, that’s fucking weird.

Mooing, please.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Right, then these are about done. 

[sizzle, clink] 

Yeah. So, I’ll finish school, if I can ever get through this damn paper on the Russian Symbolists, and then…

[footsteps] 

Where’s this picnic blanket? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Up front. I’ll grab the salad.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Oh, the marshmallow salad. I’m still sort of terrified. [footsteps] 

[footsteps] 

[squishing footsteps]

TONY. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** _What?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** There’s grass. There’s a picnic blanket. And grass. On your boat. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Huh. Now how did that get there?

[bare footsteps padding]

[ice bucket clinking]

Root beer?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laughter] 

[thump] 

[grass rustling]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [kiss]

[knife and fork scraping]

Get comfy, I’ll text them and let them know they’re okay to start the show.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I love you. And I can’t tell if you’re serious or not. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughter]

Not. 

But I, uh, am serious about one thing tonight.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Uh-oh. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Uh-oh? I get an automatic uh-oh?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony Stark is never serious. It’s grounds for concern.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Untrue. I’m serious about you. And… well. I don’t know what you want to do when the summer is out, but I made these for you, just, you know. In case.

[clinking, clacking] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence]

Keys? And key-cards?

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [throat clearing]

To the mansion, the tower, and the Malibu property. I know we rushed into things before. And I don’t really expect you to say yes? But I hate to think of you, you know, going where you want to go and doing what you want to do without someplace to think of as home, so… keys.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [silence]

[clinking] 

Yeah. I’ll-- I’ll take them. The Malibu place is…? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Becky was out overseeing the final work, and opening the new gallery space.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Are you planning on moving back out there? Or staying in New York? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** New York. I feel like I need to be there, with the team.

I have something in mind for the West Coast, anyway.

[cutlery scraping, soda fizzing]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** New York it is, then. 

[cutlery scraping, chewing] 

Think I could start a Master’s? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** It’s impolite to stare, Tony. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** I … didn’t really think you’d say yes.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Well, it’s a program in disaster management, so I’ll be better-equipped to handle things this time. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [choking]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [laughter] Wait. Wait. The look on your face, I need a photo of--

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [swatting]

[tussling]

[fork clattering on wood]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Ah! Watch i-- [laughter] 

[rustling]

[inaudible]

I told you. 

[smooch]

Tony Stark is never serious about anything. How can I not say yes? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Just so long as you’re doing it because you legitimately want to, and not because you think it’s the answer I want to hear.

Which, you know, it was. [inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I want to. I figure I’ve been gone four months; it’ll be six by the time I’m out of school. 

It’s funny, coming back to New York, getting off at Penn Station, it’s probably the first time I didn’t look around and wonder when the old Penn Station went. I just went upstairs, elbowed people out of the way, made a beeline for the A train. 

I figure that means it’s about time to come home. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Well, that’s music to my ears.

But I have to admit, I was hoping you’d be willing to take a little trip with me first. There’s something I’d like to do.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Yeah? Are we going to Hawaii? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Nope! Well, we could, we’d be headed in that direction. Check your keychain.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [clinking] 

Tower Penthouse, Tower Lab...Old Westbury...Soho...Malibu...Breckenridge...Key West...Chicago...Seattle...London...and this one’s got a panda on it.

[clink]

China? Are we going to China? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [laughs] You think I’d take you to China before I took you to Hawaii? This is partially precautionary anyway... All the security on all the properties needed Ty-proofing. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** If you had some kind of business meeting in China and thought you’d be bored stiff without company, yes. 

If it’s not China, what-- did you build a panda suit? Is this the key to the Iron Panda? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Dear god -- we have got to franchise the shit out of that. I’d take the Japanese market by storm. I might even let you do the character design if you’re good.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** [smooch] Saving the world with his best friend, Captain Alpaca? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [inaudible]

Think of how weird the fan fiction would be.

[inaudible]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** No, Tony. 

[inaudible]

It’s too terrifying. I don’t want to. 

[inaudible]

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** I dunno, it seems like it’s working for you…

[inaudible]

Guess what you’re getting next Valentine’s Day?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** That’s…

[inaudible] 

A long way off.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** [silence]

Too far, huh?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** I’ll just have you know that any cake you bake now is not going to be edible in seven months. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** Who said anything about cake? I’m buying you an island.

[kiss]

To read your 600+ chapter epic Captain Alpaca fanfic on undisturbed. I’ll send you daily updates. It’ll be great.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** Tony, no one’s going to write anything that long about us.

 **STARK.Anthony.E.:** Are you kidding? We’re dreamy, Steve. Dreamy.

[silence]

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** I love you.

[inaudible]

And I’m good for it if you are. 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** [breath] 

[inaudible]

I love you too. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G:** [jingling] 

[singsong] Are you going to tell me what the panda key is for? 

**STARK.Anthony.E.:** No-pe. You’ll find out on the tenth. [kiss]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G:** The tenth? What’s on the tenth?

{Saving...}


	704. THE END

  



	705. ...OR IS IT?

**{STARKPAD AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 43°38'19.39"N 116°14'28.86"W, Portland, ME, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[microwave binging]

[door swinging open]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Behold, brother, the glory of the heated beverages of Midgard!

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow.

[hiss]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** It must be bedecked with whipped cream and marshmallows, first, and if it is burning your tongue, then you should allow it to cool. 

[whipped cream container cracking open]

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [sniffing]

[lapping]

[more enthusiastic lapping]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Nay, do not stick your whole head in the mug, Brother!

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrow!

[hiss]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** You were warned! But foresight has never been your strong suit.

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [growling]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Keep such unkind thoughts to yourself, brother. Perhaps if you had not thought to commit genocide against their people, they would be more inclined to change your litter.

 **FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mrowl.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Such language is unbefitting of a Prince of Asgard. 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** Mew.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Precisely what I had been saying before I was so rudely interrupted. It will not do for you to so neglect the education of your children. 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [snort]

Mew, mew, mew.

[licking]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** It would do you well to put more thought into the future of our line. 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [hiss]

 **ODINSON.Thor:** Blood or not, they are my kin just as you always have been. 

**FOSTER-ODINSON.KnutTheVikingChieftain:** [lapping tongue, kitty bathing]

Mrow prrr mrow _mew_.

 **ODINSON.Thor:** And you call me stubborn.

{Saving...}


	706. Credits

**An It's Raining Tea Production**  
Written and Directed by Rain  & Tea

**Cast, In Order of Appearance:**

  
Tony Stark…  
Steve Rogers…  
JARVIS…  
Natasha Romanova…  
Bruce Banner…  
Earnest Jordan…  
Clint Barton…  
Rebecca Quan…  
Moose Stark-Rogers…  
Pepper Potts…  
Thor…  
Jane Foster…  
Darcy Lewis…  
Merrie/Madame Hydra/Viper…  
Rachel Leighton…  
DUM-E…  
Tiberius Stone…  
Janet Van Dyne…  
Nick Fury…  
Knut The Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinsson…  
Maria Hill…  
James "Rhodey" Rhodes…  
Carol Danvers…  
Barbara Morse…  
Jennifer Walters…  
Katharine "Kate" Bishop…  
The Extremely Mysterious Spider-Man...  
Sam Wilson…  
Doreen Green…  
Wade "Deadpool" Wilson/Godhatesstony  |    
Rain  
Tea  
Rain (and occasionally Tea)  
Tea  
Rain  
Rain  
Rain  
Tea (and occasionally Rain)  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Rain  
Rain and Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Tea  
Rain and Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
Rain  
Tea  
Tea  
Tea  
---|---  
  
Art Director: Tea  
Lead Character Artist: Tea  
Chief Postcard Mailer: Rain  
South American Photographs: Rain

Moose Wrangler: [texankate](http://archiveofourown.org/users/texankate/pseuds/texankate)

Beta reading support provided by [Aleph (reallysmallgiantrobot)](http://archiveofourown.org/users/reallysmallgiantrobot/pseuds/reallysmallgiantrobot)

"Lady" Steve modeling by [ adventuresofbuckybear](http://archiveofourown.org/users/adventuresofbuckybear/pseuds/adventuresofbuckybear), costume by [datura_snape](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Datura_Snape/pseuds/Datura_Snape)

Texts generated using [ios7text.com](http://www.ios7text.com)

Filmed on Location in:

New York, NY  
Austin, TX  
Washington, DC  
Osaka, Japan  
Kyoto, Japan  
Tokyo, Japan  
Lima, Peru  
La Paz, Bolivia  
Santiago, Chile  
Dublin, Ireland  
Belfast, Northern Ireland  
New Fairfield, CT  
Lewes, DE  
Philadelphia, PA  
Boston, MA

Knut the Viking Chieftain is a real cat looking for a home. You can adopt him [here](https://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/26410467/) and many other fine Brooklyn cats here at [Petfinder.com](https://www.petfinder.com/).

**Musical score:**

  
"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU"  
Written by Mariah Carey, Walter Afanasieff  
Performed by Mariah Carey  
© Columbia Records, 1994 |    
"SERENADE NO. 10 IN B-FLAT MAJOR, K. 361 GRAN PARTITA: III. ADAGIO"  
Written by W.A. Mozart  
Performed by Wurttemberg Chamber Orchestra  
---|---  
  
"CALAMBRE"  
Written by Astor Piazzolla  
Performed by Astor Piazzolla, Simon Bajour, Jaime Gosis , Horacio Malvicino  & Kicho Diaz  
© Sony Classical 1961  |    
“WHY DON’T WE DO THIS MORE OFTEN”  
Written by Allie Wrubel, Charles Newman  
Performed by Freddy Martin & His Orchestra  
© 1941 Bluebird Records  
  
“NOVEMBER RAIN”  
Written by Axl Rose  
Performed by Guns N' Roses  
© Geffen Records 1992 |    
“POR QUÉ ME HAS ENGAÑADO”  
Written by Miguel A. Cabrera Jiménez  
Performed by Camela  
© 2000 EMI  
  
“I DON’T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ON FIRE”  
Written by Words and Music by Eddie Seiler, Sol Marcus, Bennie Benjemen and Eddie Durham.  
Performed by the Ink Spots  
© 1941 Cherio Music Publishers  |    
“I’D KNOW YOU ANYWHERE”  
Written by Jimmy McHugh & Johnny Mercer  
Performed by the Glenn Miller Orchestra.  
© 1940 Warner/Chappell Music, Inc  
  
“DIE YOUNG”  
Written by Benjamin Levin, Henry Walter, Kesha Sebert, Lukasz Gottwald, Nate Ruess  
Performed by Ke$ha  
© 2012 RCA, Kemosabe  |    
“YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL”  
Written by Lana Del Rey, Rick Nowels  
Performed by Lana Del Rey  
© 2013 Water Tower, Interscope   
  
“THIS IS HARDCORE”  
Written by Nick Banks, Jarvis Cocker, Candida Doyle, Steve Mackey, Mark Webber and Peter Thomas.  
Performed by Pulp  
© 1997 Water Tower, Interscope  |    
“MONSTER”  
Written by Stefani Germanotta, RedOne, Space Cowboy  
Performed by Lady Gaga  
© 2009 Streamline, Kon Live, Cherrytree, Interscope   
  
“IRON MAN”  
Written by Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, Ozzy Osbourne, Bill Ward  
Performed by Black Sabbath  
© 1970 Warner Brothers Records |    
“KILLER QUEEN”  
Written by Freddie Mercury  
Performed by Queen  
© 1974 EMI, Elektra   
  
“FORTUNATE SON”  
Written by John Fogerty  
Performed by Creedence Clearwater Revival  
© 1969 Fantasy Records |    
“HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT”  
Written by Eddie Schwartz  
Performed by Pat Benatar  
© 1969 Chrysalis Records   
  
“U CAN’T TOUCH THIS”  
Written by Stanley Burrell, Rick James, Alonzo Miller  
Performed by M.C. Hammer  
© 1989 Capitol Records |    
“FREE BIRD”  
Written by Allen Collins, Ronnie Van Zant  
Performed by Lynyrd Skynyrd  
© 1974 MCA   
“SQUIRRELS!”  
Written by Beastie Boys/Rick Rubin, parody lyrics by Barry Hansen  
Performed by Beastly Boys / Dr Demento  
© 1996 Rhino Records   
  
[Original Soundtrack Available from Spotify](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/1dz1C3eii8tUjmkxMdJ9gt?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)

Additional soundtracks inspired by the story also on Spotify:

[Steve Playlist](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/0U1VwiOyfqCnP5EZeK4qUw?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)  
[Tony Playlist](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/7e4lrEA0SS2acoev5sP9fM?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)  
[Jekyll & Charlotte Playlist](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/5GjNeYvZ4NSaSQcQfW3kT0?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)  
[Tony & Tiberius Playlist](http://open.spotify.com/user/teaberryblue/playlist/79k4XReaIIYN3D1lznKN4z?play=true&utm_source=open.spotify.com&utm_medium=open)

Thanks to [catchan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CatChan/pseuds/CatChan), [runningondreams](http://archiveofourown.org/users/runningondreams/pseuds/runningondreams) and [sineala](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sineala/pseuds/Sineala) for playlist suggestions. 

Captain America Created By: Joe Simon & Jack Kirby

Iron Man created by: Stan Lee, Larry Lieber, Don Heck, & Jack Kirby

Captain America, Iron Man, The Avengers and all related characters/concepts belong to Marvel Studios. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as a non-commerical work. No profit is being made off this piece. If you would like to support the fanworks community that makes stories like this possible, please consider a donation to [Archive of Our Own](https://archiveofourown.org/donate).

Ice Cream provided by Ample Hills, Ben & Jerrys, Big Gay Ice Cream, and Grom. Beverages provided by Argo Tea, The Brooklyn Roasting Company, Inca Kola USA, Ward III Tribeca, and The Waystation.

No animals, robots, ancient artifacts, Washingtons Crossing The Delaware or Captain Ameridolls were harmed in the making of this fic.

This story is a work of fiction, any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Unless you bartend at Ward III, in which case, yes, your cameo is legit.

Please visit Grom Gelato, the real 1796 Broadway, New York, NY, 10019.

You can continue to follow us on Tumblr: [Rain](http://rain-proof.tumblr.com) and [Tea](http://teaberryblue.tumblr.com). We'd love it if you did-- we want to keep in touch with everybody!!! 

This fic was made possible by viewers like you! Thank you all so much for joining us! 


	707. Surprise Announcement?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And for those who sat patiently in a dark theater...

**{STARKWATCH AUDIO SURVEILLANCE ACTIVE}**  
[GPS COORDINATES LOADING...]  
[GPS LOCK ATTAINED - LOCATION: 32°42'25.95"N 117°09'44.49"W, SAN DIEGO CA, USA]  
{{Internal surveillance active...}}

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Iron Man--BLACK SABBATH]

[clapping, shouting, chanting]

 **AUDIENCE:** To-ny, To-ny, To-ny…

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Ladies, gentlemen, if you please…

 **AUDIENCE:** To-ny, To-ny, To-ny…

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** [sigh] You know, if you speak his name three times--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [footsteps] He shall appear?

 **AUDIENCE:** [screaming, shouting, wild applause]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [laughter]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** You’re insufferable.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** You love it. [smooch] 

Quiet down, quiet down, ladies and gentlemen… 

[applause, chanting, eventually dying off]

Thank you, thank you.

 **AUDIENCE.Anon1:** I LOVE YOU, TONY!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** May I congratulate you on your staggeringly good taste?

[scattered laughter]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** [groan] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing to attend the Avengers Initiative promotional session, in which we are purportedly going to be going over the new line of dye-cast Avengers-related action figures and vehicles. 

Tony, do you think they really want to talk about toys?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** That depends on the toys. Ours _are_ pretty good looking.

 **AUDIENCE:** [screams of agreement, hoots, whistles]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I don’t know, here I bet I have a tiny Iron Man somewh...ahhh!

[cheers]

Look, isn’t this great? I think it’s great. Check it, the mask comes off and everything… and you can hit the catch here and the top pops off, because really, who doesn’t need more shirtless Tony Stark in their lives?

[screaming]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** So if I hit _this_ catch, here…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Gooooooold undersheath, baby, you know you like it.

[catcalling, fannish shrieking]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** And the repulsors light up and go--

[toy gun sound] 

They don’t really sound like that, do they? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you. 

They really do look great though. I mean, the Black Widow, here? _This_ shit has Barbie shitting her pants in envy. Check out the biceps on this check, BAM. I love it. I really do. She looks like a real woman, pow pow pow--

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** With normal human proportions and everything. Impressive. Oh, dear, Tony, do you really want to do that? I hear she can kick your ass. 

**BANNER.Natalia.A.:** [voiceover] Did somebody call? 

[hush, scattered cheers]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Well, we didn’t call the fucking ghost busters. You gonna tell the kids at home about how you blacked my eye, Widow?

[hush] 

**BANNER.Natalia.A.:** [voiceover] Which time? You think I should come out there? 

[scattered cheers]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** If you like. I’m sure the good people of San Diego would be happy to see you.

[cheering, applause]

But it’s the first time you’ve made a public appearance, so if you’re feeling shy….

 **AUDIENCE:** Wi-dow, wi-dow, wi-dow…

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** Yeah, I’ve got a little stage fright. 

[screaming, shouting, applause]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Killer Queen--QUEEN]

[footsteps]

Hey, kids. Pleased to meet you. 

[audience roaring]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [muttered] Welcome to the circus, Legal.

[kiss]

I told you they’d love you.

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** [kiss] 

[muttered] We ready to do this? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [muttered] No take-backs.

[louder] So. You want to tell the good people what panel they actually walked into?

[hush, murmurs]

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** I thought this was the toy panel. Aren’t we going to show them our new toys? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Does that include… boy-toys?

[screams] 

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Fortunate Son--CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown01:** STEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!

[audience roaring] 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown02:** CAPTAIN AMERICAAAAAAAA!!!

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** Well, he’s technically an _old_ toy, but…

[screams]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [footsteps]

Hey, Tony, do I get to tell the kids at home about how I blacked your eye? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I dunno, that was kind of a personal moment....

[fabric hitting stage] 

Hey! Someone dropped their Iron Manties! Steve, do you mind if I--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Aren’t those the same ones you’re already wearing? 

**AUDIENCE:** [screaming]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [zip]

Mmm, actually, I went with Hawkeye today.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Hey, me too!

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** Lovely, I outed myself after twenty-one years undercover and you’re all looking at each other’s underwear. This is what I work with, folks. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** But I bet our panty-sales soar, so hey, way to take one for the team.

 **AUDIENCE:** [laughter, applause]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Hit Me With Your Best Shot--PAT BENATAR, 1953-PRESENT]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [footsteps] Did someone say Hawkeye panties?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Told you I’d wear ‘em.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [bills crumpling] Take your fiver, asshole.

[screaming, wild cheering, applause]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown03:** HAWKEYE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Awww, hey, you know who I am!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown03:** HAWKEYE YOU’RE THE BEST!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** …. somehow I knew it’d be sexy Loki. [sigh]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown03:** WELL, TONY’S NOT SINGLE ANYMORE. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** _Man_ , what is it with me and leftovers?!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** OTP.

[audience screaming, fans crying with joy]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Well, it can’t get any better than this.

[cheers, screams, applause]

[thunder sound effects]

[screams]

[thunderous footsteps]

 **ODINSON.THOR:** Verily! This is the greatest crowd amassed since the coronation of my wise and mighty father! 

[audience going wild]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - U Can’t Touch This: HAMMER, M.C., 1962-PRESENT]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Hey, aren’t these Tony’s ringtones for us?

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** The Mighty Thor! Now with light up hammer-action!

[screams, applause]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Do I get any action? 

[screams]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [chuckles] I’m not sure can answer that question in mixed company, Cap.

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown02:** HOW ABOUT A THREESOME? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Sorry kids, I’m a little bit - okay, a lotta bit - possessive of this one. But wouldn’t you be?

[screams]

[muttered] I love that blush. I want to lick it right off.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [muttered] well, if you don’t think we’re going to get _enough_ publicity off this panel already…

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [muttered] Let’s see what a hand-hold gets us, mm?

[clapping, whooping]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Very risque, Stark. I think we might be pushing the bounds of human decency.

[smooch] 

[screams]

 **ODINSON.THOR:** Huzzah! Huzzah!

 **AUDIENCE:** Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah…!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [gagging sound] C’mon, c’mon, c’mon already! If you’re not gonna get on with your surprise announcement, Stark, I’m gonna jump on mine.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Surprise announcement? You told me we were just here to unveil the dolls.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F, STARK.Anthony.E.:** Action figures. 

**BANNER.Natalia.A.:** [throat clearing] So this is the part where if you were a supervillain, Tony, you’d make us all guess why you’d brought us here together today. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Well, big announcement number one - 

[thunderous background music]

[hush]

[screen shifting downwards]

As our initiative grows, we’re looking for new talent -- and new stomping grounds. The Avengers Initiative is proud to announce -- you know, actually? I think Steve oughta handle this one. Just to, you know, redeem himself after last year’s hilarious performance in New York.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** I thought I was great in New York. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Juuuust keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. You did alright with the aliens, I mean, but the crowds…

[laughter]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Someone’s sleeping on the couch tonight. Or with the aliens. 

[laughter] 

[throat clearing] 

Right. So. Thanks to a partnership with our friends at SHIELD and the United States Department of Homeland Security, the Avengers Initiative will officially be going _private_ beginning September Nineteenth, 2014. 

[gasps]

And that’s not all. We’ll be expanding our roster-- so if you know anybody, you can give me a call--

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown05:** GIVE US _YOUR_ NUMBER!!

[musical crescendo] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** That number, right there, on the screen. Or you can get more information at AvengersInitiative.org. 

Because we won’t just be located in New York anymore. Soooome of you might have noticed I’ve been spending a lot of time in Philly. 

[bell tone]

Oh, look, there’s Philly on the map. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Ooooh, ahhhh.

 **AUDIENCE:** OOOOH, AHHHHH.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** And here’s our first new recruit. 

[cheers]

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Free Bird-- LYNYRD SKYNYRD]

[footsteps] 

**WILSON.Samuel:** Hey, Steve. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sam. 

[fistbump] 

**WILSON.Samuel:** This is...a lot of people. Hey, people. 

[screams]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sam Wilson, everybody, coordinator for the Philly division. Sam, you want to tell everyone what we’re doing in Philly? 

**WILSON.Samuel:** Yeah. So. We’ve signed an agreement with the City of Philadelphia to help out there in the event of extraordinary circumstances. Like alien invasions and tiny children getting lost in the mall. We’re also opening a youth outreach center for area teens to learn about disaster readiness and papier-maché. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** You two are freaking peas in a pod, aren’t you? Cute.

 **WILSON.Samuel:** You watch it, Stark. I’ve got my eyes on your boyfriend. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** So does half the crowd, Samwise.

 **WILSON.Samuel:** Well, he makes a great wingman.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Not as good as you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [groans]

[crowd cheers and claps]

 **ODINSON.THOR:** Our presence will also be felt in the fair city of Portland, Maine, which shall now be as renowned for its valiant acts of heroism as it is for its lobster rolls!

[bell tone]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Oh. Question. Question from the audience? Am-- are we allowed to take questions? It’s not question time. 

**QUAN.Rebecca:** I think one or two couldn’t hurt.

[screams] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** No questions about elevators allowed. 

[awwwwwws]

Just saying.

[screeeeams]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** How about…. you, the mild, dorky one? Purple shirt, with the gla-- yeah, you. 

**BANNER.Robert.B:** So… kind of a big team-party, right? Is Hulk coming out tonight??

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** The big guy isn’t too keen on crowds. I think he told me he was going to stay home and bake with his new cat.

[laughter]

The Hulk has a cat. Her name is-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Jolly.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** It’s not actually J--

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Like Jolly and the Green Giant, right?

[scattered chuckles]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Her name is Madeline. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** No one actually calls her that, she’s--

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Let’s take another question! 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** But you’re leaving out how she only has -- 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Sorry, she had her hand up first. Yeah. You, with the tail? 

[MUSIC IDENTIFICATION - Squirrels--BEASTLY BOYS]

 **GREEN.Doreen:** Excuse me, pardon me, sorry, just… 

[thump on stage] 

Hi, Tony! 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Heyyyyy, it’s my favorite little chipmunk!

 **JOE.Monkey:** [indignant squeak]

 **GREEN.Doreen:** He says we’re squirrels, Tony. 

Hi, everybody! My name is Doreen and me and my friends will be joining the Avengers in Flint, Michigan. Surprise? 

[bell tone]

Okay. Okay. Do I say anything else? Am I good? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Is that me? Man, I should have read the cue cards.

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** We had cue cards?

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We have teleprompters, Tony. Those things with the words you keep ignoring. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Yeah, yeah, we all know I’m terrible at prepared statements.

[cheers]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** Last city on the map - you called it, people. Los Angeles.

[sound effects, map unfurling]

[cheers, screams]

Ahhhh, yes, LA. A city in which I have a little, shall we say, unfinished business -- in the name of a girl I keep going home with…

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** What? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** Who I’d like to take a stab at… you know. actually dating.

[laughter]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** _What?_

 **BANNER.Natalia.A.:** You’ve got another announcement, don’t you, Hawkeye? 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** I do, in fact. Given how far L.A. is from the Avengers Tower in New York, an executive decision has… these teleprompters _suck_! This shit is boring, how do you make this crap sound boring?

People, listen up. The Avengers are divvying up custody of the good ole U S of A. Come October yours truly will be heading up a new division, one we’re - somewhat uncreatively - calling the…

[echoing, archery sound effects]

West Coast Avengers.

[screaming, cheering]

Watch out, L.A. … I’ve got my eye on you. And I never miss.

[finger gun sound effects]

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Wait, you’re--

[microphone clicks off] 

[muffled] You’re moving _here_?

[sound effects, map animations, audience cheering]

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** ….yeah.

It’s, uh. Less field work, more training and admin, you know. Great for an oldie-but-goodie like moi.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** Tony? Tony, did you-- 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** My work here is done, Rebeccakes.

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** So...

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** And I thought that if -- I would, uh. We could finish…. watching Buffy, even if season six is kind of weird, and… go to the beach...

 **QUAN.Rebecca:** [inaudible] 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [inaudible]

[screams] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [clears throat, mic clicks on]

So, what do you think?

 **AUDIENCE:** [roaring cheers]

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown07:** COME TO DALLAS!!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown04:** SEATTLE!!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown06:** VEGAS! VEGAS NEXT!

 **UNKNOWN.Unknown05:** WACO!!

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** [muttered] _Waco?_

 **WILSON.Wade:** BEAVERLICK!!!!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** Not sure how that’d fly with the marketing people, Mr. Pool.

 **WILSON.Wade:** Oooh, honorifics. Fancy. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** .....moving on.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** So that’s six locations by the end of 2014. We’re in talks with two more cities, but I can’t quiiiiite reveal what they are just yet. But we’re going to have to expand our roster before we add more. 

**UNKNOWN.Unknown02:** I HAVE SUPERPOWERS, STEVE. 

**WILSON.Wade:** ME! ME! PICK ME!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We’ll be holding auditions around the country in early 2015. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I’m envisioning something a bit like American Idol, but with significantly more spandex.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Yeah, Tony, we’re not assigning you to judge the screening rounds. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Aw, come on baby, I could be your Simon Cowell.

[screaming]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** He left that show for X-Factor, Sugarplum. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** Isn’t that that group of amateurs Xavier is training up?

[screaming]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Something like that. But I want to just clarify to all of you that this isn’t fun and games. We’re looking for people with skills that surpass ordinary folks on the streets, and who are willing to put their lives on the line. You’ll need to be over twenty-one to be considered for full-time membership, and have a high school diploma, GED, or test out via our own examination. It’s going to be rigorous, and difficult, and you’re more or less committing your life to putting other people before you. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** If that’s not exciting enough for you, we’ve got even _more_ news. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** We do? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** We do. 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Are you just trying to cut off my rousing speech about personal responsibility? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** I find all your speeches rousing, Steve. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [groan]

[screaming]

 **WILSON.Wade:** NOW KISS!

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** [remote clicks]

[screens lowering]

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the newest Marvel Animations Studio production: Avengers: Buttkickers of Freedom!

Okay, no. They vetoed me. Let’s roll on the previews for the new hit cartoon coming this fall… 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Cartoon? There’s a cartoon?

[lights clicking off]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** You didn’t tell me about the cartoon.

[crowd screaming]

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? You made me into a cartoon? 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** [kiss] Us, actually. Shh, it starts with Clint stealing leftovers. Very realistic.

 **BARTON.Clinton.F:** I hate you.

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [snort]

[microphone clicks off]

I love you. 

[cartoon credits roll]

 **STARK.Anthony.E:** I know. [chuckle]

[mic clicks on] 

Alright, how was _that_ for a sweet intro? Our heroes are in the processing of moving into a swanky new tower at 1796 Broadway, courtesy of yours-truly -- only Steve, newly defrosted, is being a bit of a dick and making lists of everyone’s tasks… 

[beeping] 

**ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony? 

**BANNER.Natalia.A.:** [throat clearing] 

[footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** ...and only the true-hearted young Stark is taking seriously the horrendous crime of leftover theft plaguing the newly-minted Avengers family. His handsome beard! His astonishing eyes!

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** Tony. 

**BARTON.Clinton.F:** [whispers] 

**ODINSON.THOR:** [whispers] 

[footsteps, thundering footsteps] 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** The night is black, the kitchen is dark, a mysterious stranger creeps past the island, salivating over the scent of cold lo mein…

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** TONY. 

**STARK.Anthony.E:** _What? I’m trying to narrate here, pe-- where’d everyone go?_

 **ROGERS.Steven.G.:** [throat clearing] 

[finger against watch case] 

Avengers Assemble. Sorry, folks, we’re out. 

[screams] 

{Saving...}


	708. Appendix

Thanks for reading 1796 Broadway! We're so pleased you could join us!

What now? Well, you can [read the prequel](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1288582/chapters/2671708).

Due to a couple of bugs on AO3, we've decided to create a set of end notes with references and inspired works for you to check out.

If you have a fic or art on AO3 that is related to 1796 Broadway, please feel free to tag us as your inspiration, and we'll approve the link!

If you have work ELSEWHERE that should be linked here, just leave us a comment with the link and we'll get it up soon!

We now have a list of [Frequently Asked Questions](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1303975/chapters/2708188) that you can check out if you have questions about the fic. If your question is not answered, please feel free to ask in the comments. 

**PLEASE NO SPOILERS IN THE COMMENTS ON THIS CHAPTER** No hard feelings, but we'll be deleting spoilery comments on this chapter as we want this chapter to be spoiler-free so people who aren't too far along can use the resources here. 

Thanks!

### Works that inspired 1796 Broadway:

These are works by the two of us that got us started thinking about and talking about this project.

  * [Dear Captain America](http://archiveofourown.org/works/963943) by [teaberryblue](/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [I Thought You Always Wanted to Get Married in the Boathouse](http://archiveofourown.org/works/962309) by [teaberryblue](/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [Two's A Crowd](http://archiveofourown.org/works/772207) by [rainproof](/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof)
  * [Heir Apparent](http://archiveofourown.org/works/667224) by [rainproof](/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof)



### Elsewhere:

Have fun with us elsewhere!

  * [The 1796 Broadway Meta Tumblr](http://1796meta.tumblr.com): Post fanart, fanfiction, other apocrypha here! 
  * [Captain America: The Saddest Avenger](http://thesaddestavenger.tumblr.com/). More Steve Rogers Angst Comics.
  * [The 1796 Broadway Interactive Map](https://mapsengine.google.com/map/edit?mid=zi0jeRS5uJxw.kx_7Ydz8w3Q0)



### We also hosted a fanworks challenge:

*   
[Read those entries here!](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/earth17962014)   

  


**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Simple and Perfect](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032871) by [Filigree](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigree/pseuds/Filigree)
  * [Not All That Platonic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1053743) by [MissIronAmerica (itsleanneyall)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsleanneyall/pseuds/MissIronAmerica)
  * [[ART] T-shirt designs for 1796 Broadway](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055201) by [QueenBee4Ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBee4Ever/pseuds/QueenBee4Ever)
  * [Of Course I Want You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057036) by [Fodforever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fodforever/pseuds/Fodforever)
  * [Come to bed](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057498) by [flyingwithstonewings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingwithstonewings/pseuds/flyingwithstonewings)
  * [Like It Never Happened](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058322) by [Fodforever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fodforever/pseuds/Fodforever)
  * [Spark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024268) by [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [Happy Squidsgiving](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067538) by [Sleepwelljudas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepwelljudas/pseuds/Sleepwelljudas)
  * [Love is everything it isn't supposed to be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073269) by [caseykaboom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caseykaboom/pseuds/caseykaboom)
  * [Shield Marks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1078026) by [QueenBee4Ever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBee4Ever/pseuds/QueenBee4Ever)
  * [Do the Right Thing](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079265) by [Fodforever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fodforever/pseuds/Fodforever)
  * [That part's awesome](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079929) by [divenire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/divenire/pseuds/divenire)
  * [Tony Doesn’t Use a Robotic Dog to Seduce Captain America](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080360) by [Fodforever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fodforever/pseuds/Fodforever)
  * [Further Sexual Tension](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1091551) by [Fodforever](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fodforever/pseuds/Fodforever)
  * [A Visit from (St.) Nicholas, Or: Tony Stark's Night Before Christmas](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100945) by [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [Dear Pepper](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121658) by [Misscar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscar/pseuds/Misscar)
  * [Toothpaste Steve](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1127990) by [CatChan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatChan/pseuds/CatChan)
  * [Membership Benefits](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139786) by [imel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imel/pseuds/imel)
  * [Going There](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1139998) by [greenjudy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenjudy/pseuds/greenjudy)
  * [Notre Dame](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184510) by [CanterburyTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanterburyTales/pseuds/CanterburyTales)
  * [Clint and Sensibility](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1194843) by [immoral_crow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/immoral_crow/pseuds/immoral_crow)
  * [Sometimes Even Robots Need Therapy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1211317) by [jena13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jena13/pseuds/jena13)
  * [Jekyll And Charlotte](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1288582) by [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [1796 Broadway FAQ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1303975) by [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof), [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [1796 Broadway Tag T-shirts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1337068) by [CanterburyTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanterburyTales/pseuds/CanterburyTales)
  * [The Bus's Unexpected Stoppers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1352074) by [CatChan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatChan/pseuds/CatChan)
  * [It's Not a Zoo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1353973) by [MyIronValentine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyIronValentine/pseuds/MyIronValentine)
  * [Knut the Viking Chieftain Foster-Odinsson](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1384858) by [PuddingTame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuddingTame/pseuds/PuddingTame)
  * [SPOILERS: Six things in Captain America: The Winter Soldier that reminded me of 1796 Earth...and other meta](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1409800) by [CanterburyTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanterburyTales/pseuds/CanterburyTales)
  * [Pour Un Flirt Avec Toi](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1479106) by [CatChan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatChan/pseuds/CatChan)
  * [Regret](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1532027) by [DifferentChild](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DifferentChild/pseuds/DifferentChild)
  * [I Have No Mouth Yet I Must Scream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1654343) by [LightDarkPheonix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightDarkPheonix/pseuds/LightDarkPheonix)
  * [1796 Broadway Index and Chapter Summaries](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1655642) by [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof), [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [Inaudible: Valentine's Addendum (NWS)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750094) by [myrafur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrafur/pseuds/myrafur)
  * [You Were Tiny](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1752527) by [Zephre (zephrene)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephrene/pseuds/Zephre)
  * [Without a doubt...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756571) by [Baws](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baws/pseuds/Baws)
  * [Avenger Pets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756587) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)
  * [With Tooth And Claw](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1769881) by [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof)
  * [Stealing Leftovers](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1785871) by [hogwartshoney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hogwartshoney/pseuds/hogwartshoney)
  * [Calculated Risk](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1793440) by [hogwartshoney](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hogwartshoney/pseuds/hogwartshoney)
  * [I'm Sure You Understand](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1817371) by [cabin6](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabin6/pseuds/cabin6), [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account)
  * [Starting from Scratch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1976979) by [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [Kings and Queens](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2141799) by [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [A Day at the Zoo](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2324726) by [themuppetyone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/themuppetyone/pseuds/themuppetyone)
  * ["How I Spent My Thanksgiving Vacation" by Clinton F. Barton, Age 39](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2674157) by [rainproof](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainproof/pseuds/rainproof), [teaberryblue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaberryblue/pseuds/teaberryblue)
  * [I Don't Really Do Goodbyes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2714870) by [damngayboys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/damngayboys/pseuds/damngayboys), [thisonesforthelonely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisonesforthelonely/pseuds/thisonesforthelonely)
  * [The Nobley Letters](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3392513) by [CanterburyTales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CanterburyTales/pseuds/CanterburyTales)
  * [The Sweetness of Revenge](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625035) by [Lillian_Shepherd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_Shepherd/pseuds/Lillian_Shepherd)
  * [I'm Hot, Sticky Sweet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458854) by [JeanGenie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeanGenie/pseuds/JeanGenie)
  * [Chaos Magic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4744700) by [EmuSam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmuSam/pseuds/EmuSam)




End file.
